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Yo Martin, For more than a decade now, I've had the same exact problem. Through lots of introspection, what I've realized is that this mentality has wrapped its tentacles into every aspect of my life. It's not just the social life that's been affected; it's also career path, physical activity, familial relationships, general well-being, and pretty much everything else. All of these areas have been tainted with the idea that I somehow need to receive validation from others (external sources) in order to feel loved and not be abandoned. I don't know you or your situation, but you may want to look a little deeper to see how far down your people-pleasing rabbit hole goes. You may find that you still lie to yourself in many ways. Some questions to contemplate: Is your desire to be a "positive force" in the world less about helping others and more about wanting to be loved and appreciated? Do you have a tendency to try to "fix" other people? Have you ever considered that this is a method of masking your own perceived deficiencies? Do you isolate yourself (usually for spirituality purposes) and avoid conflict at all costs? Have you ever considered that is is a method of hiding perceived flaws and avoiding disapproval from others? Do you perform physical activities that you hate doing? Have you ever considered that this is because you want to look a certain way in order to receive approval from others? Do you believe it's selfish to put your needs first (spiritual belief of selflessness)? Have you ever considered that this is because you believe you are somehow defective or undeserving of love? As you begin to dig yourself out of this mess, as you've done, you'll find that most of your friendships are not real friendships; they are covert contracts. You've been using them for validation, and they give it to you, even though you may not even actually like these so-called friends. As a result, you've felt generally alienated and unsatisfied. I have two book suggestions for you. One is No More Mr. Nice Guy! by Robert Glover. If you answered "yes" to any of the above questions, this book will read like your autobiography. It's uncanny. In it, you'll find tools and action steps to transcending what the author calls the Nice Guy Syndrome. The second book is Radical Honesty by Brad Blanton. This one will give you tools and action steps on how to be more honest with yourself and with others. As they always say, the truth will set you free. A fair warning though, when you begin to cultivate honesty, it will feel as though you are committing suicide. In a sense, you are. Lastly, some food for thought: "You can't have social anxiety if you don't want anything from other people." --Benjamin Smythe Cheers.

This thread has been moved to "Serious Emotional Problems" Call a national suicide prevention right away: 1-800-273-8255 If you are outside of the U.S., do a search on a suicide prevention agency in your country and call them right away. With that being said, I will try offer some advice on your UTI problem, which you believe is the only uncurable one, and seems to be where most of your depression is derived from. I think you can cure it. Have you tried Apple Cider Vinegar? It is a highly recommended herbal cure to this ailment, over every other listed cure. Please see here: http://www.earthclinic.com/cures/apple-cider-vinegar-for-bladder-infection.html If you have tried the Apple Cider Vinegar, have you tried it in the pill extract form? Go on Amazon and search for "Apple Cider Vinegar Extract" and you can find potent doses of this herbal cure, which you can use at your own discretion to try and cure your ailment. But again, call a suicide prevention agency right away.

It's ok that you feel that way, but I don't really see the benefits in killing one self. But there is a time for each one of us to come and go. And you never know when and how death will occur. So you could wait until death arrives. If I were in your position - and I am not (I tried to feel what you wrote as much as I could though) - I would maybe look if there are some videos of people that inspire you on youtube where they talk about death or physical suffering or suicide. So that you can put your situation in perspective. Not to escape, but to find the peace that is nevertheless here in abundance. You don't have to kill yourself to find peace imo.

Hello everyone, This gets a bit heavy but I didn't know where else to post this, I'll probably put it on reddit too. I'm an 18 year old male. Normally I should be excited for the life ahead and all its possibilities. My situation is a bit different. Very soon, I will take my own life. I know the response would be to man up and stop being a victim, which is all good and well when you actually have some control over your circumstances which I have not. Suicide in my case is not a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Let me explain. There are a million things not going right in my life right now. I'm severley depressed and have been for years now. Psychologists and therapists don't help at all. And no I'll never take drugs. I've seen how they changed my mothers personality and I'd rather die than live like that. And I'm not depressed bc of a brain imbalance, I'm depressed bc of the circumstances. However I'm convinced I could fix this if only my circumstances changed. I have extreme social anxiety and few friends. I have a binge eating disorder. My stomach hurts often because of overeating and then dieting/fasting. My dads an alcoholic who has no empathy at all for me. He also is in the beginning stages of Alzheimers (no one knows this; I recognized the symptoms but haven't told anyone). My mom is a wreck and emotionally unstable as well. I'm starting to develop an alcohol problem as well. However I'm convinced I can solve all of the above. My main reason is embarrasing and unsolvable. 4 years ago (when i was 14) I contracted a UTI. I had extreme pain during urination, had frequent urges and had extreme pain during ejaculation. So just go to the doctor and get it fixed, right? Well I did. I went to my GP maybe 12 times in the span of 2 years? He prescribed me all kinds of things (antibiotics, drugs, ...) but nothing helped. Then I went to two urologists. I did every test imaginable, from urine testing to checking inside my bladder with a camera. Again I took lots of different medications for months on end. Nothing helped. At this Point I started becoming extremely desperate. I could live with the urination pain but the worst part of all is the fact that ejaculating hurts so much. I'll never be able to have sex like this. At this point I also started looking into other doctors. I did homeopathy (a scam). Didn't help. I went to a psychologist and a psychiatrist. They told me I should learn to live with this. Fuck that. I went to a herb specialist. Didn't help. I went to a chiropractor. Didn't help. I took supplements that are supposed to kill the pain. Didn't help. I went to a hypnotherapist. Didn't help. I tried affirmations, visualizations, meditation. Didn't help. I'm now 18 and in my first year of college. During every class I have to leave the room with more than a hundred people several times just to go to the bathroom. It's extremely embarrasing. The pain is still there. Nothing. Fucking. Helps. All my friends are getting their lives started and are getting laid and while I'm happy for them, the realisation has now dawned on me that I will never experience this. If it weren't for this problem I would have been able to solve all the rest. I'm failing college as well because I just can't handle this anymore. I'm at my wits end. Therefore I have decided to kill myself the next time my parents are out of town for a night. I'm still researching on what the most painless method is, but aftre putting on some music I'll probably just fill the bathtub, get in and slit my wrists. I still don't know what the meaning of this existence is and why so many people have to suffer so much. I never chose to start this life, but I can choose to end it. I have come to the conclusion that God can't be good. Even if all this suffering is just ego, it's still very real for the people who live through it. Maybe there is an afterlife. I hope its better than this. I don't know why I wrote this or what kind of a response I should expect. Just why not i guess. To anyone reading this, I wish you all the best in life.

If life is suffering, then surely the existence of life - and, more relevantly, the creation of new life - is a negative. That is not to advocate suicide, though the pursuit of enlightenment does seem equatable to deathless suicide, but simply to pose the question: is life worth it? I don't know why I would choose to play a game in which my only objective is to unfuck myself. Whilst I am aware that most of our suffering, that which is produced by our egos, can be transcended with spiritual practises, my past experiences with physical suffering have led me to believe that it is something very real - and with that, really negatively valuable. I notice even most generally wise gurus speak implicitly about the inherent beauty of life - a fabrication that, as far as I can see, has little to do with the true nature of existence.

@RJ Rhodes It is very difficult to find a man who has not thought at least four times in his life of committing suicide. Why do people think of suicide? – for the simple reason that life is ugly and they don’t know how to beautify it, how to make a song out of it. It is just sadness, a long long anguish, a nightmare. When you are thinking of suicide, that simply says you are thinking that this life that you have lived up to now is not worth living. But there are possibilities in it which you have not tried yet. I say to you: This life can become a great joy. You may have lived a life without love. Why not try love? You may have lived a life obsessed with money. Why not live a life unobsessed with money? You may have lived a life which hankers to possess. Now live a life which is not worried about possessing anything. You may have lived a life of respectability - you may have always been considering what people think about you, what their opinion is. There is a life to live without bothering what others are thinking about you; there is a life to live individually and rebelliously. There is a life to live which is of adventure and not of social conformity. There is a life of meditation, of God, of search, of going within. You may have lived an outside life, chasing this and chasing that. I make available to you another life of not chasing anything, but sitting silently, disappearing within your being. A life of interiority. And you will be surprised - the whole idea of suicide will disappear like dewdrops in the morning sun, and you will stumble upon a life which is eternal.

I have come to my understanding through my own experience and doing the work. If Im "attached" to that just means that its working for me. I was ready to commit suicide two years ago, and if it was not for my spiritual path i would not be here now. Its going to take 20-30 years to become non attached to a system that saved me from taking my own life. If you imagine that this is a case of just dropping all ideas then you are mistaken. Ideas in the end release us from all ideas and identifications, in the end, not halfaway through, not just because some idiot on a website requests it of us because they want to win and disarm others by telling them they are identified with their path. And not because i couldnt really give a toss about what you think you know about "enlightement" while you stand there and speak in a way that very clearly deomostrates that you have merely made a conceptual ideology of this work and that you are indeed not free, or do you see that your ego was an idea, because free people dont need to strive for a better happiness than what already is. And yes, you can learn what projection is from one of leos videos and then use that as a weapon against anyone who doesnt fit your ideology, but this does not mean that you know what projection is, merely means you use it as a weapon while you project the idea of me projecting onto you. Projection is a mechanism you use to decieve yourself in order to win arguments based on internalized beliefs that are not in harmony with your experience. Ive already pointed out youre lying to yourself and everyone else by claiming you dont exist yet your ego makes value judgements and seeks to gain a "better" life than it already has. That is not the sign of an enlightened person, or an awakened person, its the sign of a liar who has taken on a belief system.

The death of a close loved one can be used for great spiritual growth and will sooner or later be realized as a great gift. Not only because most people have learned not to feel their emotions and not to show them, as this is a huge suppression of the true self and can create a very unbalanced mind full of confusion and frustration and the shock of such a death can break that pattern and allow for (collective) opening and release, if that doesn't happen then the burden gets heavier and a breakdown is even more likely. So yes, by all means take (a lot of) time to get in touch with the sadness. I've also noticed that a lot of the sadness is not actually related to the loss of the physical form of the beloved, but it reminds of the pain we feel because of the separation with our true self in spirit. My dad died 6 years ago, some years after that moment I started to learn to become more conscious in this life and in my dreams, which has resulted in having clear amazing contact in dreams and sometimes even contact here consciously. I know this is real, I've had one very confirmatory dream experience which I validated in 'real life' and the evidence in general is clear. (www.evidenceforthesoul.weebly.com). Yet still, often it still touches me deeply when I might feel him in meditation or wake up from a dream, not because I am that sad he isn't here physically, after all, we meet on the regular, but because it reminds me of the free true free self full of unconditional love and free from suppressed emotions, fear and actually least importantly, I think, the physical body. Every time it touches me, it allows for the growth of my being, because it sheds some of the suppression and creates more realization of the true self which I then may re-member. And contrary to what you might expect, I actually dream more often of him now then I used to do a few years ago. I belief because it's less of such a shock to my system now, whereas otherwise it might be too much of a distraction and too strong of an desire for suicide if you are not settled strongly enough on the path. Peace and love, you can handle it.

Technically suicide will solve all of your humanely problems.

The last three years I had a very hard time, here is my story, enjoy. When I was I kid, I used to play like every peer that time, going outside in the woods, playing all kinds of games and so on. Life was normal at that time, my parents were very dysfunctional, but this wasn’t something I could comprehend as a child. My whole youth my mother influenced me negatively, by complaining about my father and treating me like an adult at moments like that, for example the way adults complain to each other about someone else, sometimes the truth and sometimes gossip. These conversations took place when my dad was at work Because of that I was always angry at my dad and saw every flaw as something negative. The relation between me and my dad was that time also very unnatural. I also have a little brother who is two years younger than me, so he and me are on the same page. The way of life was the same for many years, until I was 17 years old. A week before my 17th birthday (early December) my mother told me she had breast cancer, of course I was shocked. My mother had to undergo surgery and take chemo therapy. The surgery happened very well, unfortunately her breast needed to be amputated. After the surgery, she took the chemo therapy, in that process she went crazy. She talked about killing herself, was very instable and was scared to death about the chemo’s. Eventually she had to be hospitalized in the hospital at the department for mental instable people. Things did not change much, only when the chemo therapy was over. All that time my father stood by her side, motivated her, joined her to the chemo and psychological therapy, offered his lunchtime at work to see her and so on. When my mother wasn’t around anymore I saw that my father wasn’t a bad person and he had very good and caring sides. Al my life I was blind to this, because I only saw the negative. When it was, summer vacation we all did go to France (I live in The Netherlands) with the mobile home of my father. My mother was back and everything did go back to what we were used to. The negative influence from my mother changed me back to my previous way of thinking. After the vacation my mother wanted a divorce. My father was devastated and wanted to commit suicide so he cut his wrist. The cut wasn’t deep enough so his life wasn’t endangered. My mother involved me in this dilemma and eventually I called the emergency services, for my fathers on good. Eventually my father left for two weeks to his parents and I was at home with my mother. My mother was angry at him and told gossip al around our family and acquaintances. She also prepared to have the divorce. Eventually the divorce was in progress, my father came back home and my mother was going to live with her mother. Eventually were opened and I saw everything my mother had done. A while after that broke the contact with her, because she was still trying to manipulate me. Half a year went by so I ought to give her a chance. After a couple of times she was trying to influence me again, later I helped her to move her to her new house (the divorce is still in progress). I once again had enough of it and broke the contact again. Last year I tried to give her another chance, but things were still the same. Since then I haven’t spoken to her, because she blocked me on social media after an argument and I finally had enough of this madness. To this day, I haven’t spoken to her, she thinks my father is holding me and my brother back, but this is of course nonsense. I can conclude from here E-mails that she still is the same person as she always has been. I know she has a hard time to accept me as I am and will try to influence me once again. That is why I don’t communicate with her. Does someone has advice or an opinion about this, please let me now. Thanks for reading

@Leo Gura Although I would agree that I am lost in life, I wouldn't say that I lack the maturity to pursue enlightenment. I've been doing self development for ay least three years now, two of those following you. I would at least consider myself an intermediate. My study of enlightenment theory also is not limited to Jed Mckenna especially since his tone is radically different from Tolle who is the first teacher I ever followed. I've also followed Spira, Swan, Krishnamuri, Young, Norquist, Adyashanti, Sadguru, etc. Lots of parallels but different still. All of the pretty much say what @Frogfucius said which is just lip service at this point. In any case my intense yearning for death has been caused more so by my intense hatred of existence which lasted for at two months. I come in and out of it. The thought of working for another 60 or 70 years for no reason other than to survive and reproduce disgusts and frightens Maybe that's "immature" but that does make it any less real. The clock on humanity is running out pretty soon anyway because of greed and ignorance. My interpretation of life being a dream is that people don't "die", the fade in and our of existence much like how a person fades in and out of a dream. Once I do fade out of existence, there's really no telling where "i" might end up next. There's not really anywhere to go because I'm everywhere and everything but that's just my intellectual understanding. I don't claim to be enlightened or on the brink of it, I'm just saying most of these things make sense conceptually. In retrospect, there's not any real reason for me to ask for your help or anyone else's because Im on my own either way. Im well aware that my ego is the one who is deceiving me and suicide is a lie and blah blah blah I get it. I get all this stuff conceptually but I'm not free from the confines of ego. I still have to exist and do things that I hate. And yes I know that is ego too. Anyways, that's my two cents.

I quit doing pickup back in July after attending a PUA event which left me incredibly disillusioned. After quitting, I spiraled into a deep depression unlike none I have ever had before. I couldn't even bring myself to meditate anymore since then and was struggling to find a reason to go on living afterwards. I didn't want a girlfriend, I didn't want to be popular, I didn't want more clothes, I didn't care about success, and came to hate socializing. Even now I still avoid socializing whenever possible and have distanced myself almost all my friends. Over the course of those three months, I finished the remainder of Jed Mckenna's Enlightenment series, and began seeking, like for real. I also bought Haunted Universe about a month ago. Between the time when I quit pickup and began seeking enlightenment, I've also had many emotional epiphanies which led me to a deeper and deeper understandings of the nature of enlightenment as well as an out of body experience which led me to believe i was some sort of "ghost driving a body suit". Very deep, frightening insights, but I wouldn't consider my current state to be "abiding nondual awareness". I think this entire time, I was expecting enlightenment to save me from the inner demons that were let loose when I decided to quit PUA. I was so miserable that I said to myself, "Either enlightenment or nothing else (suicide)." I was incredibly angry. But now, having come to understand that life is a dream, truly understanding it and understanding how ego functions, the idea of suicide seems fucking stupid. Enlightenment just seems pointless now and I now have the urge to start bolstering my ego again like I did when I was a PUA, mostly out of boredom, sexual frustration, and other egoic reasons. However, I almost can't bring myself to do this, because not only would it feel like a huge step backward, but I have also come to hate socializing and have no motivation do so unless some outside force compels me to do so. I struggle with a lot doublethink, cognitive dissonance and ambivalence. On the one hand, I don't want a girlfriend and understand that I'm neither qualified or motivated to play the role of "alpha male" yet my ego is salivating at the thought of this. On one hand, I'm antimaterialistic (not that it's better than materialism) and on the other hand, I want new jackets, shoes, and whatnot. On on hand, I don't care too much about how my life ends up yet on the other hand, I want to be successful, have a good job, etc. Is the "ego death" i thought I was undergoing recently just depression? Is it just my DNA driving me to go out and do shit? Should I really be a PUA again? What do I make of this?

Yoga means that now there is no hope, now there is no future, now there are no desires. Total despair is needed. That despair is called dukkha by Buddha. And if you are really in misery, don’t hope, because your hope will only prolong the misery. Your hope is a drug. It can help you to reach death only and nowhere else. All your hopes can lead you only to death. They are leading. If you are disillusioned, if you are hopeless, if you have completely become aware of the futility of all desires, if you see your life as meaningless – whatsoever you have been doing up to now has simply fallen dead nothing remains in the future, you are in absolute despair. If you are in anguish, suffering, not knowing what to do, not knowing where to go, not knowing to whom to look, just on the verge of madness or suicide or death, your whole pattern of life suddenly has become futile. If this moment has come, Patanjali says, NOW THE DISCIPLINE OF YOGA. Only now you can understand the science of yoga, the discipline of yoga. If that moment has not come,you can go on studying yoga, you can become a great scholar, but you will not be a yogi. You can write theses upon it, you can give discourses upon it, but you will not be a yogi. The moment has not come for you. Intellectually you can become interested, through your mind you can be related to yoga, but yoga is nothing if it is not a discipline. Yoga is not a scripture. It is a discipline. It is something you have to do. It is not curiosity; it is not philosophic speculation. It is deeper than that. It is a question of life and death.

@Huz these...https://azarius.net/smartshop/magic-mushrooms/magic-truffles-sclerotia/ For sale over the counter in The Netherlands. Magic mushrooms, fresh or dried, can't be sold anymore in The Netherlands. Because there was one(!!) case in the past, where someone commited suicide, that may have involved magic mushrooms. If you compare this to the anual death toll of alcohol, you can see how ridiculous this is. Anyway, truffles are just a way to avoid petty laws. They are not technically 'mushrooms', and thus can be sold freely. Because, when talking about psilocybin mushroom dosage, people are usually talking about dried grams of mushrooms. Unless mentioned otherwise. Truffles are sold fresh, refrigerated and vacuum sealed, not dried. Fresh they contain alot of water weight. About 90% of fresh truffles, and mushrooms is water. So 10 grams of fresh truffles equals about 1 gram of dried mushrooms.

Well.. i don't want to repeat but yeah the more things you're attached to the more you're suceptible to suffer. It doesn't only applies to material things it also goes towards your psichology. I've been by most of this year on a journey of letting go. Actually it was fun, i started getting rid of all the unnecesary things i had on my room (and life) and my friends said to me all the time that if i was planning to suicide or what (i got rid of A LOT of things) jajajaja but actually i just found that although those things are nice and were good memories it was all in the past and most of those things were not relevant to my life now and just a way of manifestating my ego and my NEED to hold my past and that which i "built" although i knew i wouldnt need it anymore. At one point of my life i got to the realization that "it's better to travel light", first were the books, then clothing.. then other things like my gaming pc and my unused electric guitar.. but then it started shifting towards more deep things like pleasing other people, my relationship with money, my relationship with friends, family and romantic partners... and then it was towards just changing my life and accepting that yeah, life changes; i'll say no more as that is the moment that i am now If i could say anything is that.. yeah, it's better to travel light

This is neurotic, obsessive, and self-centered. This isn't a life purpose, hell no, and it isn't even a relationship. It's a needy, selfish, foolishly idealistic attachment to your idea of a person. For fuck sake man! To be specific, there are some very obvious problems here. One, you're trying to force your will on a person. That never works. Two, you yourself have unaddressed psychological issues. If you aren't mentally healthy yourself, how do you expect to take care of someone else, especially when they're mentally ill? However good your intentions, you will do damage. Also, how devastating would it be for you if she did die, whether from suicide or something else? If you see what you'd be doing as a "life purpose", your whole purpose and world would collapse. Let it go. You can't help her. Build up yourself first. Fix your emotional issues. Then if you still have the urge you could pursue a career as a social worker or whatever else.

7731 ...and the new video is ooooon... money! Nice topic when America just got a tycoon as a president... Nice topic when just some days ago I wrote a german poetry slam on being poor. It brings many funny stories with it, like Leos when they had to light candles because their electricity was cut off. No, seriously about most of the stuff that has to do with the lack of money I do laugh now. Still, when I think of the future I tend to worry... At least I can say that I am not afraid of the word business and it´s not that I am completely idealess about what I could do. The thing is that I don´t want to walk on thin ice. I know that I don´t know much about it and I want to learn. Last semester I even tried to attend a course from the business administration faculty to get a taste of the basics but it was a way too time and energy consuming investigation and I decided to put my focus on other things first... That´s another struggle with self actualization... To take decisions on what to learn first because somehow, it´s all important because it´s all part of life... Health, relationships, spirituality... money... depression I´ve learned to get through my downs. My very low psychological downs. When they end I get caught in something I call an identity crisis. I do not have neurotic thoughts anymore but I am extremely problematized about who I want to be and what I want to do. It is basically going from thinking nothing is possible and the world is ending to everything is possible and just take responsibility. The power scares me and paralyzes me. I spent last week sort of hiding in my four walls, rearranging my life and making up a plan that will, freeze time for me in a sense. I took a couple of decisions and had some realizations on what I really need and want and how "I bloom". time Let´s be honest. Learning takes its time and making a really good plan, mental preparation and training execution-they all take time. Last week there was this episode on culture (I do the worksheets by the way). Do you know the Lewis model of how time is understood in different cultures? I found that very interesting when I read about it around a year ago http://www.businessinsider.com/how-different-cultures-understand-time-2014-5?IR=T . I think it´s a little like an invisible religion. Everytime one looks at the clock, "one does his/her prayor" and I like to think of all those expressions we use about time and I like to replace the word by "life". I have no time vs I have no life. Wasting time vs wasting life. I don´t have time for that vs I don´t have life for that. In some expressions you can even replace it with death. Even though for us humans time is always a symbol of finiteness it allows us to somehow cover up the direct confrontation with the finiteness of our lives themselves. Then there are people who are pressured by it, or are addicted to this invisible weird thing. Seriously... And there are all those other perspectives from which you can look at it, not just semantics or philosophy or psychology-how about physics? Do you remember this elder man I told you about who I visited in summer, my neighbour John? Before I left he said that I should remember that time is stretchable and suppressable. How did he mean that? I can´t stretch and suppress time... Or do I? I don´t even know if behind this construct, this concept there is something I can truly grasp. Uh life´s so weird... And then "time runs". Like water. Don´t get me started in that one... spiderweb Let me tell you something... Even though the journal helps me in some ways I find it stupid. I never feel wise writing the journal and I know I´d never feel wise even if I ever accomlished saying something wise. The only time I feel wise in my life is like in situations like this morning, when I am silent, I am standing between some trees and the sun is shining through the clouds and I can hear the wind and see the trees moving and the leaves falling down like oversize confetti. My life is like vision through a spider web. I can see the web, I can see what´s behind but I can´t see it in all clarity and all beauty. But I can see it and I know it´s real just like the web is real. Now one could just get rid of that strangely transparent but still visible web by destroying it... If one overcomes the fear of the spider... Who made the web... And if one is willing to get a little dirty... I wish real life was as simple as removing spider webs. I used to be afraid of spiders by the way... But then I learned loving them. My favorite is Bagheera Kiplingi. Obviously because it´s cute, colourful and vegan. But please note that I´ve never encountered one in real life. wind Okay we talked about time and money and spiders so let me give in to the wind... I remember being a child and sticking my hand out of the cars window to feel the wind because wind was really soft even when it was very, very strong and sometimes even painful. And when it is really strong and on an island surrounded by the sea it tends to get really strong then sometimes it builds so much resistance that you can´t really close that little hand and it feels as if you can hold it. As if this ungraspable gas is an object. Okay, okay I know I should stop my isolation because I am starting to look at the world like an alien again but I really love it and let me continue... And I remember as a child that in winter I would go outside sometimes and literarly let myself fall against the wind without falling down and that was pure awesomenes. My grandfather from my fathers side died when I was a child but he once told my mother that a life in which he can´t feel the wind in his face is unworthy living to him. When he was brought to the hospital and realized that from now on he´d be bed bound he just died within weeks, in fact he died when I was on a vacation in Germany. Sometimes I wonder if he committed suicide. He loved his life but I can imagine him doing so. If he did then I think it was smart because nobody there had the knowledge or knew how to get access to the knowledge that would had made the situation financialy, psychologicaly and medicaly best. So... A life away from my values is no life, I do not want to die in misery and I want to be brave enough to end it in case all hope gets lost rather than suffer waiting for death but before all I want to enable myself to get and sustain my dream life as long as possible and that ladies and gentlemonkeys... Well, I´m working on that... DNA, a little family history and geography Leaving aside all cultural influences... I have some influences through my genes too. I have influences on who I think or used to think I am just by the landscape I grew up in... As I was going through one of my so called identity crisis I digged up memories again and tried to remember good memories to find my way to set my life in a way I´ll get more of those. First I want to mention that my mother mainly grew up in a small village near Munich in Germany. As a child she´d swimm in a river and she even said that together with other kids they´d build a float, a raft from woodpieces and float on the river with that... And dad? Well dad grew up on the island (I just noticed that I like saying island instead of Rhodes and Greece because I feel uncomfortable doing so) in a small village at the foot of the highest mountain. He´d walk miles and miles as a child. He had no toys apart from a slingshot but he and his siblings shared a donkey (all this is from second sources because he never talks to me about the past and actually there have been years in which he sort of did not talk with me at all-imagine something like the grandpa of Heidi and no, not the cartoon)... None of my anchestors are city people, not even town people in fact. None of my anchestors have gone to university and none of my anchestors were saving money with 13 I think, to buy a Nintendo DS light... (Red coloured of course because when I was a child red was my favourite colour). Me? I grew up pendling between town and the sea coast middle of nowhere and some summer vacations in Germany. I have felt being ripped out of context about a million times. I remember something though. I remember being at that beach with walls of rocks on both the left and the right side and I was there with one of, if not my best friend from the closest village, ( I think I´ll dedicate a whole entry to her one day because humans have fascinated me a lot throughout this life) and we were jumping from that rocks into the water. We were on the second highest rock (I said I´d jump from the highest with 18 but with 18 despite visiting the island I did not visit this beach) and from experience I can tell that the longer you wait the worse it gets and I was trying to overcome my resistance looking at the view from up there (be ensured that it was great), I took a mental photograph at that moment and then thought "It´s my house/home (in greek that´s one word for both)" and jumped. My summers as a child were mostly spent on beaches and this beach in particular was something I knew in and out. It was part of home. I was never deeply patriotic but I liked nature and being part of it and that has not changed untill today. Oh and don´t you dare assume that all other kids felt the same way. Like even my brother who had the potential to feel similarly to me did not simply because he is afraid of deep waters... And climbing rocks was never his thing either-he read comics and books instead. I´m not afraid despite the fact when I was a child I did as well have this other friend who was living by the port (the island has two ports-that´s the small one) and one day we were really deep in the sea and she thought it would be fun to just push me under water with zero warning... Obviously I thought this was my end and that I will have to die but somehow even without having taken a breath I made it back to the surface... pfff... The stupidity of humans is more dangerous than any octopus, crab, sea eal or eagle or big wave. Okay, whatever, I´ll go do the worksheet now... No, actually just allow me to keep talking... Oh and I sound like a grandma-no seriously- when I tell stories about my life I tend to talk about them in a tone as if my life is already over... I have so many memories of so many people and experiences. At least my perspectives come from something real that allows me to recognize and relate to other people. Sometimes I feel the urge to just hold the impression I got from a person from who I learned something or shared any experience with. Sometimes I don´t want to write about myself at all. I tend to isolate myself, still humans are my main teachers and therefore inspirations. I could watch them forever. It started in kindergarden... I was late and the others were already playing a game that translates to something like "there comes there comes the bee" where kids walk in a row forming a circle and sing and pass under each others arms and clap and shit like that and I looked at this and had one simple thought: What the fuck? This made zero sense, was completely stupid, non creative, non adveturous and had nothing to do with bees... Of course I had to conform after a while and participate. Later in elementary I kept mostly observing rather than participating... In second or third of elementary the kid sitting next to me got incredibly angry because I was constantly staring at him. The teacher had to change my seat... I´d stare at people and I would notice everything. When I was 8 or 9 the teacher said to my mum that I was so silent that she forgets my existance. I think with 10 or 11 I started to stare less at everyone and focused on drawing cartoon frogs on my books (in Greece school books are freshly printed every year and made of simple paper-most children throw them away when the school year is over and in higher grades they like to rip out the pages or even burn them-yes they absolutely love going to school or learning... not...). my theory is that I got inspired by a character in a manga comic I´d read sometimes who had an obsession with frogs-not that I identified with her but I definitely found this authentic... Okay I forgot where I wanted to go with this...

@NTOgen I would like to comment on each sentence, but let's keep to the juiciest minimum. I know that real christians only dislike that they are left alone w/o man they used to love and be with. But they firmly believe and act out of the place that the dead are in a better world so no grief for them is due. Suicide is the worst sin -> eternal suffering -> not doing it. Let's agree that thinking, investigation and analysis are the same thing - prefrontal cortex logical stuff, our "drill" as Rali puts it. So asking yourself who am I, observing, contemplating, analyzing the answer and re-asking from that new place again and again - is what was postulated as "proper" stuff in my initial question, where SDS is a catalyzer. My question is what process do you postulate instead? P.S. All this feedbacking and wiring stuff is not good - it's not formal enough to be biologically correct, let's drop it, it's a rabbit hole. (I sometimes think much simpler that pure awareness is one program and ego is the other and logic is the third, emotions is 4th, sensations, memory... and they all communicate with each other in our brain - computer) This is a misunderstanding -> from your previous points I understood you force that thinking on your belief web alone would do it w/o observations and contemplation and I exactly formulated my point based on that.

Animals (dolphins and whales, mainly) have been known to torture, commit suicide, mourn death, rescue people, and so on. Male chimpanzees have been known to commit infanticide and eat the baby, even when the baby may in all likelihood be theirs. Chimpanzees have also been documented as going to war with other tribes - the only non-human species known to have committed acts of war.

This is exactly the sort of baloney that's being circulated, especially in some Buddhist sects. It's a real joke and I have absolutely no doubt that some of this is contributing to the demise of Buddhism. The most convincing theory of reincarnation I've heard is from the karma kanda sections of the Vedas and it goes like this: For the sake of simplicity karma is accumulated actions. For example, if you eat an ice cream and enjoy it you create a tendency to repeat that behaviour which causes a preference to repeat that action. It becomes a habit that just lives itself out repeatedly. The traces of these actions are called "fragrances" in the Vedas. The modern scientific explanation (which supports the Vedic theory) is that these tendencies are stored in seed form in the causal body, or if you prefer the DNA or the 'unmanifest'. These genetic tendencies are also called 'vasanas' and it's the vasanas that create another body to continue to act out the karma accumulated in the "previous lifetime". So the "person" and the physical body that the vasanas create is the part that dies (well in actuality energy doesn't even die it is just transformed), but the vasanas continue to live on and they are the aspect that creates the next body. This is why quantum physics asserts that it can prove the existence of God. God is basically the causal body projecting these tendencies outward in order for consciousness to experience itself as forms. That's all we are really as individuals. The vasanas. The Gunas (shakti or energy) are the "fabric" of existence that allows these vasanas to play out. The vasanas provide the action and the Gunas provide the canvas for the action to take place on. So the Gunas are satva, Rajas and tamas. These are just Sanskrit names for the three forms in which shakti appears in form. Satva is the ideas, tamas is the material aspect and Rajas is the projecting power that transforms satva into tamsaic concrete objects. An analogy of this would be the creation of a guitar. Satva is the idea of the guitar, tamas is the materials (wood, metal and plastic) and Rajas is the action that makes the idea into a reality - the energy of assembling the different parts of the guitar to make the idea into a material object. This makes much more sense to me than a lot of the theories put there. Suicide I assume would continue to manifest itself in some negative tendency in the next body that bundle of samksaras creates.

Ordinarily, the man who commits suicide does not do it feeling himself responsible for it. Mostly he feels people are driving him to commit suicide; certain circumstances, certain events are compelling him to end his life. If the circumstances were not such, he would not have attempted the suicide. A man, for instance, was in love with someone, but his love was not returned. Now he wants to end his life. Had his love been reciprocated, there would have been no need for him to embrace death. In fact, this man who is contemplating suicide is not doing so with any readiness to die really. He is willing to live only on one condition. Since the condition has not been fulfilled, hence the denial of life. The man is not interested in dying actually; the truth is, he has lost interest in living. So basically this kind of suicide is a forced one. Therefore, if a person who is about to end his life can be stopped even for two seconds, perhaps he will not attempt it the second time. Just the delay of a couple of moments can be enough, because in those moments his mental resolve will fall apart -- it was put together forcibly. A man committing suicide is not making a resolve. The fact is he is running away from making the resolve. Ordinarily, a man who has killed himself is not a brave man; he is a coward. Actually, life was asking him to exercise his will; it was telling him, "The woman you loved before... now make a resolve and forget her." But the man didn't have the capacity. Life was pointing out to him: "Forget the person you loved before, love someone else." But the man didn't have the guts. Life tells someone, "You were rich until yesterday, today you are bankrupt. Nevertheless, live!" He doesn't have the courage. He is not able to make a determination and live. He sees only one way out: self-destruction. He does this in order to avoid making firm resolves. Meeting death like this is not a demonstration of his positive will; rather, it is a show of his negative will. A negative will is of no use. Such a man will be born with an even weaker soul in his next life -- with a much more impotent soul than the one he had in this life, because he escaped from a situation that had offered him an opportunity to arouse his will.

@pluto Good to know. A couple of quick questions b-c I really don't know much about the subject. Since all memory is wiped away you come back as a happy person next time living life to it's fullest? And what happens when you die a natural death at a ripe old age? Something different apparently. What would that be? Also I'm not sure what my mission is. How can I find out before it's too late? Is there an age cut point like 70 or 80? How would I know if this life is a "restart" now ? Any way to know? But what is there to know if all memory was wiped? I'm confused now. What happens to snakes that commit suicide ?

I've thought about this, and I don't think suicide or how we live our lives up until the final moment has anything to do with how we reincarnate. We are all playing a role, one in which we have no control over. Our thoughts, feelings, and actions are not independent of the universe. One thing I wonder about reincarnation, is if we reincarnate into a different form of consciousness for eternity, each time with a clean slate. I wonder if people I see on the street are me, but in a different form of consciousness that I experience from the one I'm having now, but not independent of my consciousness. I wonder the same about other animals. Crazy shit.

Suicide will only make you have to do it all over again with a new body and a wiped memory. You cant complete your mission thus must restart the game.

I don't believe in reincarnation. With beliefs about science and evolution in my web of beliefs, it just doesn't make any sense. Do I know it doesn't exist? Nope. I can't think of a conceivable way it could be proven one way or the other. You didn't ask any specific question about suicide, so I'll go on the things others have commented. Is it selfish? Sure. So is moralizing about suicidal people being selfish. I use selfish as in "stemming from the ego" rather than society's seeming definition of "this person did something I don't like, thus they're selfish for not having considered how I'm affected by it".