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4 hours? That is nothing. Do you know how hard South Korean students work on a daily basis? They literally have school from 7pm until 11pm including homework generally speaking and they work 6 days/week - not 5 days like in European countries. Which explains the high suicide rate in South Korea among teenagers, but you get the point. So don't tell me you cannot even work concentrated for more than 4 hours per day? For what; because your mind "tricked" you into believing in what some authority figure told you? I think you may fear hard work and you gotta set higher standards for yourself and put things into perspective here.

nah I find it imperative that we reconcile the social nature of humanity with our goals of self-actualization. it is like the wind eroding sharp edges. the form we take is the stone. eventually the wind brings us back to dust, but throughout that journey we have form, and the wind smooths the minor edges of the form, but does not destroy the form. Our natural behavior is to be social - in some, we do discard the social for pursuit of authenticity, but for most we hold the form of social interest. the wind flows around that form without disruption, and in fact for most of our life emboldens that form by removing the flaws which disrupt it - the anxieties and addictions that make us behave poorly. Perhaps the wind shifts where our existence rests, moving our form from one position to another. Some reach the form of monastery work, but most do not. this is all natural. we individually find various ways to pursue authenticity. as a group, we find stronger methods of that pursuit. but this does not mean we should all as a species discard our natural form in order to erase it so the wind flows without disruption. if this were what should happen, we would simply mass suicide. but the wind would not care if we did that, or if we held our most jagged form. mindfulness work is nothing more than allowing the wind to smooth the ruggedness of our form. ps. perhaps the better analogy is the formation of snowflakes. the wind puts us into form by chance, and that form builds upon itself until it crashes into the ground. Desert sands would show both these anologies actually - the wind forms a dune, and shapes it throughout its life. eventually the dune becomes one with the desert again.

In hopes of inspiring people trying to discover their life purpose, I wanted to share my story. This is the story of someone who went into college for the money. He tried, under pressure, to turn his major into a passion, instead of turning his passions into a career. My situation: I'm finishing up college at a computer science major. I went into the field because I thought there'd be a lot of money in it, and that from going to school, I'd get my ass kicked into high gear and be able to get a good job. I was into PC gaming, like a lot of other CS majors, and chose the career because of that. I didn't think about being a creator, or the huge impact I could have or anything like that. From at least 5 years back, I started really getting into anime and Japanese culture. I started studying the language 2 years ago, and I started to actually see the potential of what I can do with it. I enjoy reading and writing, and I enjoy a well translated manga or visual novel. I think that in a way, translation can be a form of art. A good translation of a translated manga can literally make or break the impact of the work. In this sense, as a translator, you're interpreting the original story and conveying it to an English (or whatever 2nd language) audience. It's a tireless and meticulous career, working on translation, but I also mastering the language will be viable long-term. I worry a bit for betting it all on mastering a language, but I don't believe that prose in Asian languages can be translated into English prose by AI in my lifetime. The written language is so contextual and requires a real brain to determine what's going on in context. Mastery: Whenever Leo talks about the mastery process and coming to enjoy the work itself, it just rung so true with my casual study of Japanese over the past 2 years. I started to actually enjoy looking up individual Japanese words just for the sake of knowing them well, and for the sake of mastery. The reason is fluency, but Japanese is something that I didn't angrily dread pouring hours of frustrating and dread into. I started to enjoy the process itself, and when I have the time, I would slow down to be more thorough studying. Through the law of attraction, I started to get more interested in the culture, in cooking, I started meeting people at college who are into Japanese culture, and I started to look for mentors. All the sort of things that you're supposed to do when you enjoy something and want to master it, I was beginning to do with Japanese before I knew anything about self-actualization. Struggles, details (you can skip to the next section, but it has some specific details on my thoughts about the different career/life purpose prospects: My main difficulty now are some conflicting ideas about how to use the language to become a creator, outside of doing translation. I trust in the mastery process to eventually take care of my needs years down the road, so that I can become so skilled that I can translate, because my literal purpose for living is Japanese, but I've discovered my values and strengths, and I'm reviewing them daily. My life purpose statement I previously made was about programming, because I didn't even consider that I could turn my main hobby, the study of this language, into a career. I thought it was too impractical, and that programming was the logical, safe choice to quickly get that $40-70k job as a coder, as I let my years spent on interests just die completely, in hopes of discovering passion for programming. Some other fundamental issues I have with Japanese - it is largely escapist fantasy. For any Redpill readers here, a lot of this content is pretty much "The Ultimate Blue Pill Fantasy." But I think that by focusing on the creative aspects on the medium, and by translating material that inspires people is ultimately a good thing. Movies and TV shows are also escapist fantasies, but not everyone takes the same thing out of a movie. From Leo, I learned that you can watch a movie with the goal of being inspired from it, like with Jodorowsky's Dune. It's a bit complicated, because I got into Japanese content through escapism, but I feel like studying the language and changing the mediums I consume (more visual novels now than anime) has reduced the dopamine spiking and raised my consciousness a bit. There's plenty of depraved Japanese content that gets associated with anime, and this parallels all the addicting software and social media that's out there with programming. There's pretty much no creative medium I enjoy that doesn't have cons to it. You can even use classical music and fine art as distractions from doing work. Some interesting aspects of Japanese - I find the mediums of manga and visual novels to be especially moving. They're not the same sort of quick, instant gratification experiences that you could get in video games. You'll often a dozen hours on a single story arc before any major climax happens in a visual novel. My highest emotional peaks and peak interests were hit when I was reading visual novels. I think that by spreading this medium to the West, gamers and people who enjoy anime will learn to enjoy the calmer, slower paced aspects of entertainment, and of life itself. Some issues I have with programming and technology: The impact that technology has had on our society, lowering our attention spans, lowering people's consciousness, and all these little quick apps, I feel have actually fucked over my generation in a lot of ways, and now people are dealing with heavy procrastination with all the free dopamine everywhere. Men don't have enough positive male figures in their life, and porn and entertainment is so easily accessible that technology leads to escapism. Of course, technology is a tool and this is a huge negative generalization of it. Mark Zuckerberg might've had a positive creative vision with Facebook and creating his company, and a lot of these companies might actually have great intentions. Being connected with tons of your friends online sounds great in theory, but the anxiety, the fake posts, the instant gratification and dopamine, the distraction element, the attention span and motivation reduction, and all these other side effects are just killers for me. Rather than working with social media or making some game apps, I would want to create some meaningful software, and to spread self-actualization ideals through the software, but I spent years trying to program and never came to really enjoy the process. I'm annoyed that I was so unconscious when building up all this resistance, and didn't understand how I could ever possibly come to WANT to program. I spent every day of my life for years comparing myself to others, thinking about the money, programming under pressure, all before I grasped these self-actualization fundamentals, that made me really believe that I could catch up to and even surpass these friends of mine who are going off to work at Google. Career counselors at my college told me "Not everyone can be like him, but you can still get a good job programming." I think now that if could even make some productivity-related software, it would be really beneficial for people, and it would convey things like discipline through usage and support of my software. I also think that programming will become really chaotic, and in order to gauge the marketplace, I have to really stay plugged in. I would end up being a problem solving sort of career rather than a creative one, at least for some years until I become good enough to gain career capital and creative control. My entry into a programming career could be be too rigid for too long before I can create anything that I feel is meaningful. They say programming is just problem solving, but I don't want to be some reactive problem solver for a company. The solution to this that I came up with was working with Startup companies, and focusing on the creative aspect of programming. I'm definitely capable of becoming an excellent programmer, I believe, but with my conflicting passion with Japanese, and my low consciousness resistance towards programming that I built up from coding under pressure for my classes, it's not right. 10 years down the road, I think programming could be the better option, and I think in the near future I'll start doing it as a side hobby, so I can enjoy it and burn through my resistance. 10 years from now, it could become a new life purpose, or be combined with Japanese once I've become a master and have some economic security. There are other aspects of my life like health, fitness, and relationships that I need to work on, and having two exhausting mental hobbies, Programming and Japanese, isn't going to work out if I want to achieve those goals. My Big Fuckups: (choosing what was possible as a career) I didn't TRULY consider using my years spent on hobbies AS my career. I didn't believe I could do it. I didn't pitch the idea to my parents, even though I knew that I have a good 3-4 years of financial saving saved up. How was I going to tell them that this language I study for fun could actually become a career? Until last summer, I didn't have the confidence to speak up to my mom much at all, until I found TheRedPill and read No More Mr. Nice Guy and started building up my confidence. With learning Japanese, I sometimes guilted myself for spending too much time on it, instead of on college and my career. (NEVER GUILT YOURSELF). I went through Leo's Life Purpose Course and partially preselected Programming as the medium, though I had 3 or 4 other big ideas based on other interests and skills. I had Japanese as an idea on that list, along with writing, but I thought my parents wouldn't allow it and I don't have the financial freedom right now. There are a lot of other psychological investments I've made with Japanese that my ego won't let go of. I have friends of over 10 years that share the same interests as me. Trying to cut my ties with Japanese is equivalent to mental suicide at this point. At the end of my semester in college, I started having so much fun with people of similar interests, and I suddenly felt like "holy shit, I belong with these people." and was doing a lot of meta-analysis of the experience. I felt really overly attached to these people, because I felt like I would have to give up Japanese and sever connections with them next semester to transition into a programming regimen and career. When the semester ended, I felt extremely awful, worse than when my best friend died. I didn't even know that I could ever feel that level of emotional despair. I spent years repressing my hobbies and avoiding people with similar interests, investing into shallow one-sided friendships. At this point, I truly understood the inherent bias of having friends with similar interests - they actually care. Yes, it's a biased, neurotic, cliquey sort of caring that Leo talks about, because they value you because of your shared interests, but this leads to a real tight friendship. It's hard to find people who will be as egalitarian as you try to be, and will appreciate your interests the way you appreciate theirs. Sever attachments from people who don't love and support you, because life is too short to maintain so many shallow friendships. Investment is probably why Leo chose to combine his Sage advice with Actualized.org, rather than leave and become a sage himself, because he's become really invested in helping us, and he'd be abandoning the life purpose he adopted. On the other end of my own ego investment, I have a ton of negative ego investments against programming. I projected all my pain and anxiety towards it, by feeling like it's taking away time from my hobbies, and is creating all of my anxiety and unhappiness. I'd overeat just to be able to program more and get past the pain. I exhibited pretty much every neurotic behavior in the book to many extremes, when it came to programming. I would talk shit behind people's back because they were successful at programming and I wasn't. I thought that since these guys didn't do anything besides programming, they "didn't have a life," because they didn't have other hobbies. In reality, these programmers who enjoy their work and understand the mastery process are actually the happiest people I've ever met. Understanding the mastery process and my own potential to master anything, I feel that my biggest regret was pouring so much negative emotion into something that I actually always wanted to become good at. I felt like I wasn't talented, that it didn't come natural, or that I would lose myself and my hobbies if I dedicated all my time to programming. I realized that these beliefs are something your mind has built, especially with things you've attempted over and over again before learning about self-actualization, and so even with newfound objective information on the hours it takes to master something, and a path to doing it, it will still feel like we sometimes inherently can't do it. tldr; Basically, I see the beauty in Japanese culture, spreading it, focusing on lower dopamine mediums in Japanese, using translation and the written word as a medium, and I've got some intrinsic motivation for mastering the language. Hour for hour, the money will probably come later with Japanese for me, and I might be working slave wages until I'm truly excellent. I'd rather master Japanese and translate, starting at slave wages, than go into programming for the money like everyone wants me to. I'd rather "waste my degree" and follow my bliss, because it lights my fire. I recognize my own bias towards people who share the same interests as me and the connection I feel with those people, and my bias towards anything Japanese. I enjoy plenty of things outside of Japanese, even moreso thanks to self-actualization, and I enjoy talking with people who don't share my interests at all, thanks to mindfulness. I'm utilizing this subjective and biased reality of mine in order to master Japanese. I can't realistically do both programming and Japanese to a high degree, and Leo explained this. The mind subconsciously homes in on ways to optimize learning and retention when you have a singular purpose. It's like a heat-seaking missile, as he says. You start finding the most optimal methods, and because your purpose is so important to you, you see the longterm payoff and invest in those better methods, because of the long-term payoff for the effort in advance. Your time becomes precious. Being married to your life purpose and being disciplined to it gives you the freedom to relent to it. I have to redo part of Leo's Life Purpose Course with Japanese in mind, as I work towards mastery. My recommendations for those seeking their life purpose: Look for what you've done the most in life, something where you feel like you've gone through steps of the mastery process, and have begun to enjoy. Truly forget the money. Get a part-time job or some financial security (refer to Maslow's Hierarchy and what Leo says about supporting yourself first, and then going on to be a creator). Don't go to college until you're ABSOLUTELY sure about what you want to do, and I recommend dedicating hundreds of hours on your own into working on your skill you plan to Master before majoring in that field in college, so that you don't fall into the traps of working for the money. See what other people are doing with your productive hobbies - look at the creators on YouTube. Look at the people who teach your hobby, if it's something like that. Ideally it should be a hobby that's somewhat productive. You can even combine 2 things you enjoy, like watching movies and writing reddit replies --> into doing some sort of meta-analysis of movies as a video career or something. I think that if you've taken one of your hobbies so far that you find yourself saying "I can't live without this," you may find that you have already selected your life purpose. Tap into that, and go all in and see how much energy you can summon into working towards that hobby every day. See how confident you feel when you imagine "I can just utilize this one main hobby of mine, increase the priority to the top, and I can let the other ones go." Also, as a general thing: Watch Leo's Foundational videos on YouTube. They helped give me a clear picture of self-actualization. Also, don't fall into the trap of settling for a shitty life purpose or career simply because of having the goal of Enlightenment and enjoying the Now. The whole point of Actualized.org is to become the best that you can be, not become some enlightened guy at 7-Eleven. The Maslow's Hierarchy video was also really helpful in this regard, since I was actually debating between mediocrity + enlightenment. Also, not to sound like a shill, but the Life Purpose Course helps a lot of things click together. I think I learned to some extent like 50-70% of the theory from Leo's videos. I think a key to taking the course is to do it when you feel you're financially stable, or if you're in high school or college. The confidence you get from having a more complete picture, though, is worth the $250. You have to think of it as an investment in yourself, just like the food you eat, the house you live in, the books and video games and coffee mugs and crap you buy. Don't be afraid to invest in yourself, especially for the long-term. You only get one life. I can finally proudly share this video from Alan Watts, because I feel that I'm living it now - And if you still want to convince me how easy it is to become a programmer, I'll check some resources you send to try and do it on the side, but my life purpose is to master Japanese and become a creator with it.

Day 4 and day 5 : What kind of life would you like - A life full of distractions and comfort but no freedom(you wouldn't even know what freedom means), or a life of freedom but also a degree of discomfort, pain, and madness/psychological dysfunction(you might even commit suicide from the emotional trauma)? Huxley's society was the former. There is of course no need for spirituality. People only seek spirituality when they want to end their suffering or find a way to cope (or find meaning, which is basically the same). If you can simply consume drugs to take a journey to the moon, you don't need to take notice of the present. Things i did - 1) Started "Introduction to mathematical thinking" 2) Started reading molecular biology, started MITx 7.28.3x 3) Meditation (1 hour) per day Distractions - 1) Spent time with friend - 6 hours 2) Finished reading "Brave new world" by huxley. Great book, especially the last few pages. 3) Listening to Noam Chomsky on life, linguistics, psychic continuity, politics(is the tall man happy) Things i want to do - Online courses, revise notes, finish application statement Random trivia - The glucose transported in neurons (GLUT3) transports glucose 3 times faster than other glucose transporters. In tumours, glucose transporters suffer from something called "Warburg effect" where there is a overexpression of these transporters because there isn't enough oxygen available for the cell to produce enough ATP (it only produces 2 ATP in the absence of oxygen).

Hey there. My brother was recently diagnosed with obsessive compulsive personality disorder. He is around 27 years old and as far as I can remember he was always acting problematically. We have visited several psychiatrists with my family except him, because he does not think that he has a problem and so he blames and accuses us for making him miserable. He said once to my father "if you don't do what I want I will commit suicide". Every month or so he has anger explosions. He grabbed me and my father from the neck and once he threatened me with a knife. My mother has depression that is cause by him and my father is constantly worrying and gets angry. I am keeping him a distance. We are living in the same house by the way. And we may talk once every 3 or 4 months. His behavior is really toxic, he wants us to leave according to his expectations. He is constantly anxious and occupies himself with cleaning the house almost all day. He does not go out or have any friends. So, my question is how to deal with it, because I know deep down myself I am suffering. Thanks

Please everyone, grasp that 'Complete'/'Ultimate'/Finished Enlightenment is an imaginary goal that can never be completely reached. Yet, it's viewed as something you can fully achieve in order for you to start going for it. You can approximate it, sure. Jesus Christ, Buddah, Mohammed - these dudes are viewed as the "highest" you can get to. Truth is, even Jesus were not fully enlightened. This reflects that: Truth is enlightenment is a never-ending-path. Or it ends when you die. But physical death itself has nothing to do with enlightenment. There is always more to enlightenment than just "becoming" enlightened. With that said, it's not unthinkable that many people have had sad lives, then gotten an 'epiphany' that the whole shit including enlightenment is just one big game, and then choosed to commit suicide because they realized it doesn't matter at all. Is that enlightenment? I guess it is sort of, but for me it lacks the part of mastering human life, which I at least enjoy trying to do.

Update: no need to wait for gun license, I found a better suicide method. Charcoal briquettes. I will lock myself in an enclosed space while they burn, and the carbon monoxide gas will deprive my body of oxygen. It'll be a painless, peaceful death. I'm going to attempt this tomorrow if I'm able to. This may very well be the last post I make. Thanks Leo for all you've done. Bruzzix.

OK I'll start first with some VERY destructive childhood vows that I've created and the extreme damage it has caused me. I don't regret anything that I've done since it has really helped me progress spiritually. I've learned so much on my life journey. When I was 6 years old my dad started becoming verbally and physically abusive to me. I was in kindergarten and they discovered that I had some type of learning disability. (I suspect that it was Asperger's Syndrome, high functioning autism) My parents never actively pursued it nor was I placed in special education but it led to my dad calling me "stupid" and a "dumb ass." So I really started to believe that I was worthless and I was not good enough. <=== my childhood vow. My mom gave me a contradicting belief completely the opposite of my dad telling me that "I was practically perfect in every way" <=== another childhood vow which caused me to become a perfectionist. Which lead me to perfect everything I was doing so I would be deserving enough of love. This escalated as I grew older and I started distancing myself from my dad. I pretty much rejected him as my father and started looking else where for masculine and fatherly companionship. This led to very abusive dating relationships. My last relationship was in college where I dated my bf for four years and broke up with him because of his verbally and sexually abusive tendencies. As you can see we create patterns and we learn things from our parents. We learn how we should be treated, whether that is right or wrong. I learned that I should be treated with low self worth, and abuse. I accepted that belief because I didn't know there was anything better, nor did I know how to differentiate or to tell between someone that would be abusive or not. My ex used to tell me I was a terrible girlfriend for no apparent reason, and he used to yell and go into rages of anger. I ended up filing a 6 month restraining order and moving away just so I could be safe. He stalked me and left me long phone messages and emails begging me to come back. I haven't dated anyone since in a long term relationship. It has now been 9 years. I created a new belief/ childhood vow when I was 24 that there was no good men out there to date, and they only wanted me for sex. It's amazing how far the rabbit hole goes. I started to dig deeper into the destructive vows I've made since I watched Leo's video last week. I made a new discovery and I broke down in tears on New Years Eve. The childhood vow that I made when I was six years old even effected my lifestyle and my career choices. When I was very young I got very heavily involved in video games. The video games became a literal addiction and I used them to cope with every day life. Because I had low self worth I was often picked on and bullied at school so I would bury my sorrows into video games to keep me sane and happy. It even kept me from thinking about suicide when I was 13 years old. Final Fantasy 7 was literally my life in junior high..... After I graduated high school I decided to go to college to study video game design. I thought it would be a fun career, plus I thought it would be cool to help other people escape like I did by creating them. But deep down I also used this video game career so I could attract love and relationships. It was a very male dominated career, where I was often the only girl in my class. I wanted to feel loved, I wanted someone to like me. But it didn't work because I didn't believe that about myself. I over looked the guys that were good matches and were interested and instead attracted the abusive bf. After I graduated from art school and studied video games, unfortunately it was around the time the economy crashed in 2008. Game Companies were completely shutting down and going out of business and many were not hiring. I couldn't get a job and I looked everywhere. I couldn't even get a normal job at a grocery store! The employment opportunities was just so slim and non existent. I should have gone home to live with my parents at that point, but I was afraid to go home, and I wanted to stay as far away from my dad as possible so, I got involved in adult entertainment. I thought it would be fun to have beauty and all this attention, but it left me feeling even more empty inside and attracting even more abusive relationships. I ended up living with two room mates that took complete advantage of me financially. They were also verbally abusive. I was so stuck financially that I couldn't leave. They had me paying all of the bills in replacement for their help in getting me into adult entertainment. It was horrible. In December of 2014 I finally had a huge mental breakdown in conjunction with being drugged at the bar I was dancing at. I ended up in the hospital for over a week and finally came home to be with my parents and started my life over. I went back to school to become a hypnotist, reiki practitioner, and a life coach. My dad also passed away in October, 2016. I got to reconcile to some extent with him, but I also felt a lot of emotional freedom because of his passing. I forgave him for what he did, and I Love and miss him so very much. A friend of mine that happens to be a spiritual medium told me that my dad was Bi-polar. I also went to see my guidance counselor and she confirmed that my dad definitely showed signs of being Bi-polar so it was very possible and very likely that he was. This gave me a lot of closure because I knew it wasn't all his fault. I also thought about the way he was raised, and how my grandfather treated my dad. My grandfather was also abusive and played favorites. My dad was never good enough for him, making him also a perfectionist. My dad not knowing any better just passed on the same pattern of destruction and what he knew to me. Knowing this made me feel a lot better, and really escalated my healing and personal growth. I've started creating some new affirmations to replace these old destructive childhood vows. I really like the one that Leo talks about in one of his videos..."Not giving a shit what other people think of you". His Affirmation: I am completely independent of the good and bad opinions of others. This is great for my perfectionist attitude that I created. A new healthy vow to replace the old one. I found one for creating new loving relationships and to deal with my self worth: Love is everywhere, and I am loving, and lovable. Everyone deserves a healthy and happy relationship, no matter what they have been through. We all deserve LOVE.

I prefer being in control, even when it comes to life an death matters. If I'll get untreatable disease diagnosis and I'll still be able to move and work - I'll design a wonderful suicide machine which will end my life in a great explosion, evaporating my whole body to steam in a matter of milliseconds. Before that I'll make a series of videos, talking about things I seen and learned during a human lifetime. It won't be all gloomy, I don't see anything bad in death as long as it's painless and no crucial info being lost after you gone. And there'll be plenty of music, no way I'm going without it.

To go on vacation and have fun is Always good if you are sick, but if you read the works of Dr Hulda Clark "Cure and prevention of all Cancers" There could be a verry important and Lucky coinsidents besides the fun. In short she says all cancers start at the same organ that is the hypothalamus. Due to our food these days we get chlorogenic acid in our bodies. This goes directly to the hypothalamus and does do much harm but some cells detouch themself from the hypothalamus because of it. They will floot around in the blood vessels and will not be attacked by whitebloodcells because its not seen as a tread. Now the hypothalamus is the organ which is the commander of body Household so to say. He orders and the pituitary executes. Pituitary cells get loose because of phloridzin also comming in the blood steam. When they meet those cells will hookup. Than there must be a fluke present which is called fasciolopsis buski with four other bacteria. If they catch the 2 cells they use them to start a tumor because one of the bacteria can activated the cel of the hypothalumus and make him order to cells divide. Normaly cells will suicide if they are beyond repair. But the parisites prevent that they make him a slave he cant die and hes a hostage. Because the Buski is an anarobic fluke and needs protection from our defence systeem it creats a tumor there is practicly no blood flow. So no oxycen and no white bloodcells. Healty people have no problems cause chlorogenic acid and phloridzin will be attackt before it can do harm. Now people with lower immune power cause mainly because of the water they drink. Water out of the tap in the US contains aluminum, chlorine bleach, pcb's, 20 different heavy metals, malonic acid, benzene, isopropyl alcohol, azo dyes, asbestos, oil, grease from the pomps. These can more or less paralize the immune system. Not everywhere in US it is this bad but the futher you live from the water cleaning plant the worse it gets. Even if you dont drink the water washing yourself and wareing clothes washed in it, rubbing all day against your skin. Is damageing enough. Plus if you have a lot of stess and unhappy it all adds to it. So because she went on holliday she had a different water source and in good spirit the body is capable of healing a lot. Well this is in a nutshell what she discovered, healing 5000 cancer patients with a 99% succes. Verry interesting stuff in case you have a close one suffering from it.

I guess for me, it's like 3 states of being. Not being in a state of happiness, and getting off track with my life purpose, and stalling everything makes me feel like "Oh well, I could walk out my door and get shot and that'd be pretty ok with me. I wasn't going to do anything big, anyway." Or "I could kill myself now and it wouldn't really matter. Nothing big's going on right now." If I start to get on track and realize my potential, then I start to get more realistic about it, and think more about my own safety. I re-ground myself, and I'm more careful about going out at night. When you're on a mission, you don't want it to end abruptly. But when I'm in a state of total acceptance, you really feel like "If I were to die right now, I'd be happy." When I go for walks, I usually think much about the past or future, but I sometimes flash forward to the idea of "What if I died, or wanted to commit suicide. How would I feel about it now?" to gauge how things are for me at the moment. If I'm eager to die, it might be because I'm avoiding work I need to be doing. We have to build up my ego and attachments to accomplish big goals with life purpose, so naturally I'd think you'd want to die less. But if you pair it with acceptance, you're literally ready to face anything, even death or intense suffering. The "feeling better" that you're experiencing is probably coming from a place of acceptance. Maybe you haven't thought about death as a means to escape suffering (suicide). Until we get into a near-death experience where someone puts a gun up to our head and we're forced to react, either afraid or unphased, we might not really know how deeply prepared we are for death.

I just came from my first cold shower. I saw a YouTube video of someone doing the 31 day cold shower challenge (video below) and was convinced to adopt this habit after hearing of the benefits it has on willpower. I turned the temperature to its minimum, ignored the bullshit excuses my brain was trying to come up with, and jumped in. Oh it was a shock to my body! But I adjusted. I aimed for 3 mins. I got out after 4. I began to enjoy the shock. In the morning my mum took me shopping for clothes. I was being a complete cu**. I was tired and fucked up on vyvanse. I emptied a portion of my 70mg capsule into a glass of water. I'd estimate I took 50mg. Still too much for day to day purposes. Anyway my mum asked how many hours of driving Ive done. To which the answer is 0. I put myself into a terrible mood, thinking only about how my dad never took me driving and how a lot of people my age already have their licenses yet I don't. I obsessed over this thought and fell into a pit of self-pity. I acted like a baby the entire time we were at the mall. I got home and cried like a bitch and considered suicide. After the crying session, my brother's asked me to have a nerf gun war with them and I said no. I promptly resumed crying and thinking of ways to kill myself. I decided that anything is better than suicide, so I should stop giving a fuck about everything and then I won't feel pain anymore. It doesn't matter if I'm a cu** to other people because now I don't care, was the attitude I espoused. Latser, my brothers came into the room and I just completely let go and did and said whatever I wanted without any filters. I did some weird shit. We get called downstairs for dinner and I'm still in I don't give a fuck mode and basically being an idiot. Shaun snaps and yells at me after I be a smart-ass to mum. I wouldn't have cared but he threatened to kick me out of the house and I had no where else to go so I settled down a bit. At the dinner table I was tweaking out and still being a cu**. Mum then snapped at me and started yelling. She said I'm not acting like myself and I'm really edgy. She asked if I took drugs. I had previously kept my ADHD-PI diagnosis a secret from her, but now I spilled the beans. She basically said that the diagnosis is bullshit (which I actually agree with) and that I use it as an excuse for bad behaviour (I disagree). She ranted on and on and actually made some good points. She was especially pissed off because she thought I wasn't listening. I actually was but I was tweaking real hard. She said some pretty hurtful things to me. It was a wake-up call. One thing she said that stuck was "stop the self-pitying. Stop it. Just stop. Stop self-pitying. Stop it". I really wanted to just walk away and go self-pity more. I had a decision to make; self-pity or man up. It was really fucking hard to do in the moment but I chose the latter. In her rant, mum was complaining that I was spending all my time reading self-help books and not being with family. I decided that I should spend time with family while I'm at her house to appease her. We calmed down, and watched the A-team. Good movie by the way. Liam Neeson fucking rules. I was tired as fuck but stayed awake so it looked like I cared about family time. After the movie I did my push-ups, had the cold shower, and now I'm here writing this. It's already 1am and I'm fucking dead tired. I promise one day there'll be an entry that's actually decent to read... One day. I'm writing these mainly for me now so I just spew words onto the page as they come to my mind. I'll cater to readers soon (I doubt there are actually any). Night.

1. Suicide is selfish. Think about the pain that you would cause to your parents. 2.

Sooo, boys and girls. I had a quite interesting year and I thought I sum it up in this post, so you can benefit from my lessons and have some fun reading. Plus I'll probably share a little forecast in which direction I currently take my spiritual journey. I'll take the major topics and hindrances I faced this year and illustrate them a little bit and cut all of the uninteresting shit. So it goes like this ... +++ Existential Crisis +++ If I had to sum up my whole spiritual journey this year with one phrase, it would probably be that: an existential crisis. A complete brain-fuck and wrapping every one of my world-views inside out. It's kind of interesting, I started my meditative journey in early April 2015 and for most of that year and the first two months of 2016 it just gave me lots ad lots of typical benefits. I would be way more calmer, I stopped biting my finger nails, I stopped smoking, I had my first clarity experiences, I was very pumped up to do my meditation etc. etc. Then in early 2016 I watched @Leo Gura's Free-Will-video and meditated after it one the question: "What is going to happen next?". And in this meditation a strange shift happened. It was a very physical kind of opening (like literally a popping in my head) and from then I could consciously conceive that there are thoughts that I consciously formulate and there are thoughts that just come up and fill up the space. From this day on, my whole life should begin to change. In the next 4 months I had the deepest experiences of fear, anxiety, helplessness, depression, falling apart etc. etc. that I ever had in my life. Besides that, I had the deepest realizations I had so far on my journey, 3-4 deep awakening experiences that always were surrounded with 1-2 weeks of total bliss and then an even deeper amount of existential crisis than I experienced it before. It all ended in early August I guess, right after I had my first Kundalini awakening in late July. This was one of the strangest things I ever experienced and at the time I didn't even knew what it was. I found out 1-2 months later here on the forum and then through research, that what I experienced was a Kundalini awakening. Now, this whole phase was extremely strenuous. I had weeks and months in which I would wake up and be bombarded from second one with tremendous and ridiculous thoughts. In my daily meditation it would even get worse and make me completely crazy. I had a few sits I had to end after about 40 minutes because it was too hard. I had phases in which when I went outside I felt any kind of distress another person carries around amplified times a thousand in my own body with awful thoughts screaming at me. Why did all of this happen? Well, I was bullied when I was about 12-14 years old for doing shitty rap music and I have some regular deficiencies and problems most of us have. If you wanna get out of the trap, you'll have to cut every single one of these bindings to the world. And you have to let go of your shadow. And that's not a pretty process. I had 2 times I seriously thought about suicide, because it was that hard. Funnily, right after these times I had even deeper awakenings. But well, if you go through such a phase yourself (and you will more than one time probably on your journey) go back to this post and see you are not alone. It's natural and its very good. It gives you so much strength, realization and vision. It's incredible. You come out of that as a new human being. Also, how did I went through all that w/o going completely nuts. Well, I went nuts for some time to be honest. I had times in which I wasn't sure anymore whether this is just purging or whether I'm mentally insane. I followed my intuition that said "Wait it out" and so I did. Everything was okay. I went through it. In that time I tried literally every kind of meditation technique, listened to every Alan Watts lecture multiple times, listened to tons of Rupert Spira stuff, Mooji stuff, did all sorts of things to help me out and they all did to a certain degree, but in the end I just had to take it and experience it. It's hard, and it's okay to give in in that phase and learn from it. I started smoking again for example, because I knew it would help me out here and I could stop it when I'm through and have the mental power for it. For you it might be eating some ice cream, binging on other shit. Sometimes, this is necessary. +++ Change in perspective +++ Another key change this year was my change in perspective. When I started out on my enlightenment journey the one thing I was mostly fascinated about was: "How is the day to day perspective of an enlightenment being?" Because they always say: "Well, you have it. You are it." But there still is a change that is happening, right? Why are we doing this work otherwise? Well, yeah there is a shift that happens. And it'll start to happen with your first enlightenment experiences and then slowly sink in to your day to day life over time. That's at least my experience. I can consciously recognize who i really am at every time. I can see it. And this happened with I guess my second deep enlightenment experience. From then on it stuck. And now its for me more about adjusting my whole life to it that I integrate these experiences and deepen them for the rest of my life. Because, although the simple recognition of who you are is a thing you can either see or not, all of the implications that you can draw from that to your normal life, are endless and can be deepened endlessly. And that's where the journey really begins. To name some symptoms that stuck with me since I saw: I see colors brighter than I did before. I see new patterns in what I perceive. I see a lot of the games that nature plays with itself. I see how things mutually arise and aren't caused by each other. The list goes on and on. But remember: These are just personal symptoms that came with the recognition. It's not the recognition itself. I have phases in which these symptoms will get amplified and I might tap into huge amounts of intuition. This is where the crazy shit starts. I had 3-4 times visions of events I could have never predicted that turned out the exact same way as when I saw them in a dream. I sometimes have an extremely accurate sense of time (like sitting in a meditation and being able to tell when it ends in the last 2 minutes). I have this 11:11, 10:10, 13:13 phenomena going on a daily basis sometimes 5-10 times since I guess like 6 months now. I had a few mystical encounters in meditations and dreams. And a lot of other crazy shit. I'll probably do a whole post on that in the future. I mean, you can think of that what you want, but if you have it yourself going on very frequently you start to at least see how intelligent and crazy nature is. And that your normal one-coffee-bored-consciousness is not where it ends. But yeah, my perspective changed completely this year. I recognized who I am and am now able to integrate this for the rest of my life and see where it takes me. +++ Psychedelic experiences +++ This year, I also started to experiment with psychedelics in a more spiritual and integrative way. I started using psychedelics (mostly LSD) in the summer of 2015, but in this year I did I'd say probably like 10 deep LSD trips, 10-15 DMT-trips, a few shroom trips and then of course the MeO-experiences. I also had 2 bad trips (one on LSD and one on shrooms [actually just 1 week ago]) and I found that these bad trips are the ones that do the deepest inner work and that really change your being permanently. So after some time you'll know how to handle them and use them for this. It's great. Ever since my first and last MeO-breakthrough I am still integrating the experience. I had one sober really, really deep enlightenment experience that lasted for 3-4 hours a few days after the breakthrough and a lot of what I'd call clarity experiences. Also, another round of shit came up over the weeks that I had to deal with and go through. But right now I'm pretty good and I think I can do the next experience in a few weeks (after all this x-mas and new year stuff is over). In the future I think I will mainly focus on 5-MeO-DMT, shrooms and normal DMT since I found these three substances to do the most permanent and deep healing for me. I use 5-MeO to crack the shell, shrooms to heal the wounds and integrate what is puring out and I will start with normal DMT as well again because I think the realizations you get from it will be hugely intensified through the 5-MeO. Every time I take a substance right now, whether its weed, alcohol, some party drugs or what not, I get a medium to strong MeO experience along the way, which is crazy and pretty cool. I don't know why, but it happens to be that way. Psychedelics have shown to be a huge amplifier on my own journey. It's great. +++ HoloSync And Meditation +++ Another biggy is HoloSync. I started using the Awakening Prologue in late August this year and will buy in a few days the Awakening Level 1. HoloSync boosts my daily meditation like motherfucking nuts. It's incredible. I go so much deeper. I sometimes am high from my meditation for 3-4 hours after it (sometimes the whole day). It also induces little existential crisis to integrate your shadow and it's worth its price, if you ask me. I love it. Meditation is just so much more fun with it. Try it out if you wanna boost your journey. It has also shown to help me focus, be more intuitive, more creative and just give me a better feeling throughout the whole day. I totally love it. Also, another thing I've experimented this year with are various forms of meditation. I did my standard "Do Nothing" + "Strong Determination Sitting". I use these two as my standard and then will lay other layers on top of them like doing some Tao meditations, breath meditations, counting meditations, mantra meditations. Right now I do a mix: I do my HoloSync and in the first 30 minutes I do a counting meditation and in the last 30 minutes I do a mantra meditation with the word "no-thing". I hesitated a lot to do mantra meditations because it is always connected with TM and a lot of people seem to not like it for that reason, but I found out for myself that it gives me great results. So the lesson here is: Try out a bunch of things and do the ones that work. Fuck what other people are saying. If it works for you great, do it. Engineer your own techniques. +++ Going The Whole Way +++ Well, and lastly I wanna take all this and put it in a box. I hope that if you've read that far, one thing you picked up is that I had a lot of highs and downs, a lot of trial and error, a lot of crazy shit, but that's just the journey. Was my existential crisis bad? Yeah, it was fucking nuts. But anytime right I have negative shit coming up for a few weeks I kind of laugh about it in my mind because it has no real power anymore. I know anxiety, pain, anger, loneliness, being tied to these things so deeply and intimately that they don't scare me anymore. Every thing I go through is there to let me know that the person I was always seeking and was always wanting to be, is just myself. Is just giving up the search. Giving up the "wanting to be different". And that everything I should do, comes from an inspiration that arises by itself when I rest in this calm and fulfilled state. But it takes some time to get there. It takes heavy seeking to arrive at the point where you can't seek anymore and have to give it up. It takes massive action. And even then you'll have cycle after cycle that shows you new stuff, that presents new challenges etc. etc. But along the way you'll become a master of it. You'll master yourself and you'll lose all fears and all hectic to get it done. So if you take one thing away from this post, then it is this: To become abundant, happy and fulfilled and enlightened, you have to take your neurotic being and try go get there by pushing so hard for it that you'll see at some point that you just can't keep up with the work you have to do to keep this happiness. And then you'll fall a deep, deep way to the bottom and realize that you are happy and abundant by default, that inspiration and realization happens by itself, and that action will always come and pick you up when you wait for it to arise. It'll show you the way. It always does. And you'll have the time of your life. So, go the whole way and see for yourself. There is no rush, there is no one to get there first. It's just a ride you can take if you want. Anyways, merry motherfuckin' x-mas from your silly-ass angel of death... Azrael

A life of people-pleasing has produced for me a web of dependent relationships, each with their own nuanced persona on my part. The contradictions of these persona's combined with their false nature leaves one feeling like an ever-imploding fantasy. As I currently see it, there are 3 ways out of this: To chose one persona and stick to it only. To leave them all behind and move away. To commit suicide. I feel that the correct answer is none of these, but rather to choose no persona - but how? The closest solution I have is the second: to leave all of them behind and take great caution in the formation of future relationships that I do not metamorphose back into the spider, or rather the spider's web that I currently feel I am. However, I fear that this is a blind running away - that in doing so I will inevitably make all the same mistakes again. Therefore, I write this post in the hope that a more experienced being may guide me in the right direction.

If something is bothering you, it's because you're not perceiving it accurately. When this Law of Attraction stuff talks about seeing things 'positively', it's referring to having a more accurate perception of reality, to raise the quality of your consciousness, because when you do that, you realise there is only everything to be grateful for and joyful about, so it's trying to get us to perceive this way, because our quality of consciousness determines what we reap in life someone who is consumed with negative emotions may eventually commit suicide, so like does attract like the essence is to raise your quality of consciousness, at least that's my understanding of it, you may have seen the video about consciousness on actualized.org you don't have to pretend to be what you're not, but focusing on certain principles such as gratitude, and of functioning on a creative plane rather than on a competitive one, to give every person more in use value than you take from them in cash value (hence generosity and giving), instead of thinking about scarcity, you realise there is only abundance, and you take action from such a place. Poverty, scarcity, fear, disease - they're all appearances, let go of your focus on false appearances, and they stop concerning you(: every thought creates our reality because there is no objective reality, it's all our perceptions basically It may help to record your emotions every hour to get a better understanding of your state of consciousness All the spiritual books on success etc. draw these parallels, of creativity, giving, gratitude, removing fear, taking responsibility, faith and persistence, consciousness, sometimes indirectly, so read a few and you'll get an overall sense hope that helps!

No that isn to quite right. Giving the body what it needs to survive, is not unwholesome because its as well in accordance with Awareness, duty. If you would let yourself without reason die out of hunger, that is unwholesome behavior. Lets says someone is in accordance by seclusion from unwholesome behavior, and someone has a sickness that is very very painful, to hard to bear. But one is awakened, Attained Awareness. Then its not unwholesome to commit suicide. Please understand, Drinking alcohol and taking drugs for fun, is unwholesome because the body nor Awareness needs it. Its born out of passion and ignorance. Not eating and dying yourself out just because of laziness to take care of the body, is still ignorance.

It's all about perspective. In the "boy draws on a blank paper"-analogy, to me, - the boy/the boy's hand/the pencil = God (y) - blank paper = True Self (z) - whats drawn on paper = experience/happenings/ego/mind/body (x) - The blank paper is eternal (was never born, will never die) & it's conscious of whats drawn upon it. - The blank paper is infinite in size & in its "ground-state" it's just completely blank and empty (nothingness). - The pencil that's drawing can switch randomly between infinite colours and infinite types of pencils and it also has an ereaser on it's back that it often uses. - The pencil can draw an infinite different pictures upon you. - Whats drawn on paper is real enough, but only momentarily real. If you cling to whats drawn, you will constantly switch between happiness (when something good is drawn) and sufferiing (when the drawn disappears again). - If you realize that what's drawn is NOT you, but just experience/happenings, and that you are the no-thing/blankness that experiences all that, then you become enlightened. - Makyo is when there is drawn something you percieve as 'extraordinary'/true and you then cling to it as Truth. - A True Complete Enlightenment Experience is when you become fully aware of what's going on: ... Your perspective/awareness sort of raises above the paper, and you directly see the pencil drawing on the blank, eternal you... You meet God. - A Real (with a capital R) Awakening happens when the pencil -- for whatever reason -- momentarily, completely halts all the drawing while also erasing the earlier drawn (mind/memories) completely. What is then left is just the blank paper: nothingness (True Self). No experience. It's not an experience. That's enlightenment. The mind is COMPLETELY killed. NOTHING is left. There is only YOU (nothingness) left... discovering your self (but ITS NOT AN EXPERIENCE, because you are a no-thing, and a no-thing can't be experienced). This is litteraly equal to physical DEATH. The only difference is that -- for some reason -- it's possibly to keep the body alive while the paper is completely blank... It's sort of a paradox, right, because the body is something that's drawn on the paper... What when you go to deep sleep? Isn't this equal to what I just described? Sounds like it... the difference may lie in that when you go to deep sleep, "the pencil is being handled in such a way" that the mind doesn't remember itself shutting down.. it happens gently and unconsciously... A real awakening, here you see the mind/ego getting annihilated right in front of You , and then momentarily there's nothing left but You, and then some "time afterwards", the ego comes back, and You see it coming back.., like You get pushed back into a skull from the nothingness... When going to deep sleep and waking up, it's all happening in such a way that the mind is programmed to not store (remember) the experience of it being killed. In a same way when "you" wake up from deep sleep, the mind is programmed to not store the experience of being resurrected from nothing. I'm not talking about the deep sleep/nothingness itself, because here there is only You/Silence/Nothingness, i.e. it's a no-experience because the mind produces zero experience -- the paper is blank -- simply because the mind is death. I'm simply talking about the very few seconds BEFORE the death of the mind (the killing), and the very few seconds AFTER the resurrection of the mind. No one remember falling asleep. Yes, we remember when we went to lie down on the bed. But we never remember any experience of actually falling into deep sleep (= the mind being killed). This, I postulate, is "simply" because the brain/mind is wired in such a way to not store such an experience. If the mind, on the other hand, WAS wired/programmed to store such an experience, then everyone would be enlightened, lol, because everyone would see their egoes/minds getting completely killed, and thus everyone would directly be able to see for Themselves that They are not the body nor the mind/ego. Everyone would be scared shitless, lol. Very few would dare to go to sleep -- because it would feel like getting actually killed. And from an evolutionary perspective it's extremely "bad" for an "organism" to realize its True Self is not the body (for very obvious reasons), so OF COURSE the brain/mind is wired to not remember falling asleep. Same goes for waking up from deep sleep. Everyone has tried to be waken by someting/someone while you were in a very, very deep, deep sleep. When that happens, you are always very, very confused in the seconds after waking up. I think this is because the mind/brain is wired in such a way to not remember the experience of being resurrected from nothingness. Also if your body dies/you commit suicide... Then... there is no mind left to integrate/remember "the experience" ("the experience" = the 'right before' and the 'right after' the 'no-experience'/ego-death. And thus, physical death has nothing to do with enlightenment, just like going to deep sleep has nothing to do with enlightenment. Enligthenment is sort of a paradox, because enligtenment, yes, is the DEATH of the MIND. But at the same time, enligtenment requires the mind/brain/person to be FULLY 'alive/awake/aware' to actually remember the experience of both the killing and the resurrection of the mind . It's the memories of such two 'happenings' that produces an enlightened person. The space between the two happenings (i.e the killing and the ressurection) is the no-experience/nothingness which the mind itself can't remember because it wasn't there. But the process of the killing and the process of the resurrection; this the mind 'can' store and remember as a memory. And when the mind remember these two happenings, the mind can now see that it doesn't really exist, and it starts producing thoughts and emotions without the "I" labeled on to them. So an enlightenment experience could basically be described as: - going to deep sleep, while being fully aware of going to the deep sleep (i.e. the mind rembering the experience of going to deep sleep, i.e. the mind remebering the experience of itself being annihilated into nothingness). - then shorty after waking up from deep sleep, while being fully aware of waking up from deep sleep (i.e. the mind remembering the experience of itself waking up from deep sleep, i.e. the mind remembering the experience of itself being reborn from nothingness). In both cases, of course, "You" (z) is always there, You can't be modified. You are just there. You experience the memories the mind produces for You. So after all... Enlightenment is sort of a paradox because it's: - on one hand: all about the mind (it has to be 'alive'/'be there' to store certain experiences needed for enlightenment) - on another hand: not about the mind at all (it has to be killed for reaching enlightenment) It's two opposing statements ... Yet both of them are equally true and false Truth with a capital T comes when the two opposing ideas come together and form a circle: - the mind has to be killed (one half of the circle). <----> So You can become You (Nothingness). - the mind has to be alive (other half of the circle). <----> So You can experience the killing of the not-you. The True Self can only fully discover itself by directly experiencing the killing of The False Self. Without a False Self (ego) in the first place, there could be no True Self (nothingness) in the first place And vice versa. The world we all see ourselves in is dualistic. For there to be darkness, there has to be light. For there to be 'a day', there has to be 'a night'. For there to be 'good', there has to be 'evil'. For there to be a True Self, there has to be False Self. Two opposing things are always two sides of the same coin. So basically enligtenment is a change of what x (ego / mind) produces for You (z) to experience. If "you" are an enlightened person, "you" are still just a person/ego/mind/brain running around -- playing the game of life. The difference "just" lies in what this person says, does, thinks, feels . (What the mind produces for You to experience) So achieving enligtenment is after all just achieving a special type of personality ... But a very special, rare kind of personality, of course. Its traits are, among other things: - Absolute Self-Discovery. - Unconditional Love to all of reality. - Deep intuitive understanding of human life & how the mind/ego functions. - Deep understanding of reality. - No attachment to any experience, yet no detachment from any experience either. - Passion for life -- passion for both self and others. Cheers. EDIT: I edited the shit out of this one. Added a lot of rambling shit.

Somehow, although I did lose the job and fail the class, the predator decided to stay with me. I don't remember how that ended up being arranged since he was initially very clear that failure was grounds for break-up. But instead I was put on probation and he told me that if I could get all A's in the next quarter then I could be his girlfriend again. I got two A's and an A-, which was close enough and somehow the whole snowball kept going. Eventually I moved in with the predator that's when everything got way worse. Everything I did wasn't good enough, even working and going to school full time wasn't enough. I didn't have time to exercise, cook, clean and do everything else the predator wanted. He didn't want to take care of me (although my parents paid the rent and the government paid for the food), I was still too much of a burden and he wanted me to go back to my parents home... I called my parents but they told me that I wasn't allowed to come home. Thankfully I had my handy-dandy suicide kid for emergencies like that. And that's when I really got messed up. The hardest thing about living through everything I've been though, Body, is not knowing. I've never met anyone else who's done what I've done, to you us. I wonder if what I'm-we're going through, the fainting, if it's because of what I did to you, or if it's completely unrelated. Some days I just can't walk. It's gotten better, I know, I've been working hard to take care of you body, but I just wish I could know. It's a lonely thing. I've never met anyone else who's done it. Killed themselves, failed, only to try again. It wasn't just once that I did it to you. I have a nice life now but there's this involuntary pain whenever I remember what I've been through. I can't go through the day without remembering what I went through... I was so convinced that last time, that it was really the end. Nothing compares to the pain I felt that night. The agony. My blood literally a fire through my veins, unable to breath, unable to lift my head off the ground. That kit I had intended as a salvation for myself, a safe haven I could turn to when there was no one else who wanted me. I took the whole kit, as much as a could swallow. He sat at his computer, the predator. I lied down on the giant bean bag we used as a bed and dozed off knowing he didn't know and that I could enjoy my last day still having him, not having to be alone, abandoned. I lied down and listened to In All My Dreams I Drown from the Devil's Carnival trying not to focus on the fact I wasn't wanted. He took me out to Dairy Queen, it felt very romantic to have one last day of happiness with him I thought at the time. I don't really know why I thought that then. But that's what I thought. It was around that time that the metabolic acidosis kicked in and my body started to fight the poison. I hadn't been inefficient in my dosage. I had to run to the bathroom, I couldn't swallow back the acid my body churned up. I could barely stand as we stood in line for burgers. By the time we'd driven home I could barely stand, I'd stand for a couple moments then the dizziness would wash over me and I had to crouch down to catch my breathe and keep from passing out. I went upstairs, dizzy, tired, ready to succumb to the fate that I had chosen for myself. I felt powerful. In my life I could control one thing. My life. No matter how hard I studied, with the dyslexia and the ADHD, my grades were not under my control. I fought, and I fought, and I fought against everything in my nature to prove to myself that wasn't the case. But I still failed. I failed, tried again, and failed and someone was sick of it, and it wasn't just me. Too dizzy to keep myself upright I slumped into bed to pass out. My ears were ringing and my chest was starting to hurt. It was coming and sleep would guide me into my new a new, better life, back to the darkness from whence I came. I fell asleep, just like the last time I'd tried. Only this time, I was certain, my plan was fool proof. And no one would ever know. Pain killers. They're supposed to numb the pain, to numb away my life. My life was pain back then, emotionally, but it didn't even measure a fraction to what the physical pain I experienced that night. I didn't want to be alone... Unwanted... I awoke to a sharp pain, my stomach burned, my throat burned, my blood burned, I could feel the burning from inside my skin to the outside. The temperature felt ice could, then burning hot. I'd created myself a living hell. So much for a painless death. I tried not to throw-up but I couldn't. I rushed to the bathroom, and my body did everything it could to purge the acid out of my system. My heart raced, as fast as the heart beat of a hummingbird, I remember comparing it to that. I spent the rest of my night in that bathroom, after the second trip to throw-up I could barely stand. I crawled back to the bedroom. After that I couldn't walk anymore. The predator wasn't a strong man. I couldn't stand. A trail of towels followed from our room to the bathroom, he had to carry me to the bathroom to throw up twice, he encouraged me to stay the second time after I came crawling back into the room. I was up till 4 AM that morning, eventually I couldn't lift my body off the floor, I had to settle into the bathtub where I could vomit up the drain. He came in to join me for awhile while I was in there, he talked about taking me to the ER, I tied to pass it off like I must have a bad strain of the flu. If he took me to the ER, they might figure out what was happening, they would try to save me. I had to prevent that. I told him that if I wasn't better by the morning I'd go to the drop in clinic. He felt bad for me, worried I suppose, although he told me he was incapable of feeling. He said that he didn't think it would be good to leave me when I was sick that I was, he told me he might stay with me. I didn't want to manipulate him into staying with me, it wasn't why I'd tried to kill myself. But it made me happy. I just wanted to be with him. He left, I kept throwing up. Eventually around 5:30 AM the sickness subsided. As I drifted off I felt fear of death, very intense fear, I felt the darkness reaching for me. Even though I had created this situation where I was dying I still couldn't help fighting it. Just for a few moments more. I didn't know what was going to come once it was all over. I was scared. Very scared. And then I thought of my sister and I felt an intense sense of guilt. What would her life be like without an older sister? Would she blame herself if she found out? I felt awful. I remembered how she'd cried for weeks when she realized my 12 year old brother had started smoking. How would she take it, when she realized that she would have to spend the rest of her life without me. I cried. She deserved so much more. She was the one person I realized, in that one moment, who mattered more than anything else to me. I didn't see her frequently, she lived with her boyfriend only a few houses down. I never, never really, went to see her. I didn't want her to cry. I wish I could've been more for her. I loved my sister. But I didn't love her more than I hurt. I cried, I cried for the pain, no matter how much I breathed, and breathed but I couldn't get any air, I couldn't stand. My limbs went numb. I could slowly feel my body dying. I couldn't move my arms, I couldn't move my legs. I cried for my fear of death. I cried because of the darkness. I cried because of the loneliness. I cried because my parents didn't love me. I cried because my boyfriend of 4 years didn't love and wanted to get rid of me. But most of all I cried because I wish I could've been a better sister. One who didn't bring pain into her life. I never realized up until that moment how very, very precious she was to me. I felt the darkness coming. I don't know how but at sometime my consciousness broke and I teleported from the bathroom to the bed and I was lying next to my beloved predator. I was so close to him. I fell asleep next to him, just happy to be with him. I decided that if I could survive that night I would be the submissive he wanted me to be. I would do everything he wanted me to, anything he asked. I just wanted him to want me and I was happy fading off into the darkness. Embracing death. I couldn't walk for a week; I couldn't even properly crawl. I didn't think I'd ever be able to walk again. Didn't think I'd ever be able to hear again either, but by day three of groveling across the carpet I was able to start hearing things again. I should be dead. But here I am... Four years later. I can walk, I can hear. But I worry that things won't ever be the same. It doesn't matter what I'm doing or where I am, walking, standing, I lose contact with you Body. Falling spells, are they related? The doctors don't know. I've told them everything, but even so, they don't really know. It only started happening, like the recognition thing... I don't know why. But, you know what... Looking back now, as I write this, I realize it wasn't love that drove me to kill you, body, but my fear of being alone. I have, and even still, am terrified of being alone.

Ok, so it seems like everyone else has some goals posted in their journals so I'm going to go ahead and include my goals here to. 1) To consolidate my experiences into a digestible format for myself so I can sort though and finally process everything I've been through. As it is said, those who don't know history are doomed to repeat it. 2) To develop an emotionally and spiritually healthy self. 3) Figure out where my current personal problems originate from, learn how to move past the things I've been through and grow beyond my history. 4) Develop healthy beauty habits. 5) Nurture, nourish and accept the body I have. To really love my body and help it become healthy and reach it's full potential. 6) Find to correct balance between inner peace and emotional control without sacrificing my personal safety and security. 7) Find and pursue the correct trajectory for my life so that I can live it to it's fullest. 8) Feed my mind and grow analytically. 9) Create a happy relationship for myself that I feel happy in, where I get to experience romance and passion while still being secure and know that I am loved. As a heads up this journal may get very dark. It is brutally honest, intimate and authentic. I want to move past the darkness that I carry inside my mind. This journal covers my struggle with suicide, my unhealthy eating (or not eating) habits, living in poverty, drugs, criminal activity, abuse, BDSM, my faith (or lack thereof) and how it is I got to where I am today. The start of this journal is more ruminations on my past while I get everything out, but after it moves past that I intend this to be about my personal journey to grow into a wiser, more knowledgeable, analytical person. To explore the person I'm becoming, the image I want to have, and the everyday pursuit of becoming healthier. It will cover everything from from the shallow and superfluous, the readings I take on, ethics, exercise, everything.

Dear Body, I am you, or, at least the person who lives inside you. I know that I've hurt you a lot in the past and I just want you to know know that... I'm sorry. It's funny sad, because usually I'm a very compassionate person, towards other people that is... but when it comes to you Body, I don't didn't see you as a person. I saw you as an object. I've misused and abused you. I hated myself and by proxy, I hated you too. Maybe that's why you've pushed me out. It used to be that when I looked in the mirror I saw myself. Now days I look in the mirror and I see a stranger. I see a beautiful but unfamiliar woman... I live inside you body, but I feel as though I am no longer really a part of you. I feel that maybe you are defending yourself from me because when you'd really let me in before I betrayed the trust you had in me. You just wanted to be loved: To be cared for, nourished, hydrated, treated beautifully, cherished, and with the respect that I afford literally every other person I interact with. I'm sorry. I love you Body, you are mine and you are the only, only, person in the whole world who has gone through and experienced literally everything I have. No one else in can ever know so completely, so intimately, every ounce of pain, fear, joy, love... every emotion, that I've experienced so thoroughly. There's a barrier to language, a restriction by the very nature of language, that even if I spent every moment of time trying to communicate my life to someone that they could never know it as truly as it was experienced. That is why, starting today, I will treasure you, Body. You are my life companion, whether you want me or I want you, we are together for this life. You know me completely and I know you. I see you Body, you are a lovely person. Beautiful, empathetic, gentle. I accept you and I will treat you better from now on. Never again will I put my needs and desires above yours. I will not punish you for my shortcomings. I'm going to stop trying to change you. My dearest and only Body, I love and accept you, exactly as you are now. I accept you Body, you have wide, wide hips and thick thighs. But! That is OK, big hips and thighs do not make you less beautiful. Jack says that you look just like Alexandre Cabanel's Birth of Venus painting. It may not be the ideal of beauty that I've always aspired to, but to him it's beautiful. We aren't any Kristen Stewart or Nicole Kidman, but we are beautiful in our own right. There are many kinds of beauty in the world and we don't need to be airbrushed to accept and love our own kind of beauty. I won't try to starve your hips down, and your tummy is a sign that I actually feed you now and that you are properly loved. Jack loved to kiss your tummy, I hate the way it tickles but I resent your tummy much less for it. I accept your dark brown eyes, they are perfect just the way they are. I know other people have pretty eyes too, they are colorful but ours are nice too... Remember in our earliest memories? One of our first formative thoughts, as we began to perceive the world and develop our preferences... The elegant, refined look of dark stained wood. Rich, beautiful. One of the first thoughts we had before we had words to define our thoughts was just how much we loved the way that dark stained cabinet and wooden hourglass looked. You have the time in your eyes. Body, they're the same color as that hourglass, they are beautiful eyes and there is no need ro compare them to the eyes of others. They may not be blue, green, or even amber eyes, but they are ours and they are perfect. Wood, trees, the forest. Eyes are the window to the soul and my soul... your soul... our soul is a sacred forest we need to treasure and nurture back to life. Now, not every bad thing I've done to you was out of a desire to be pretty. I think maybe that's why it's so hard love, to feel, the way I did before. You've taken away the depth and breadth of my emotions and most especially my love... because of all the things that have driven me to hurt you, dear Body... love drove me to hurt you the worst. You have left me a husk of who I formerly was, dry, porous and unabounding. Not only have you stripped me of my identity, my self-recognition, my faith and my fires of aspiration, but you've taken my heart from me. My soul has run dry Body, and you and I are all that remain; damaged though we both are. Mind and body. Our soul seeped out beyond our grasp. Jack loves us but I struggle to match his love. I feel that my own emotions are shallow because I feel as though I have no heart, no spirit, no personality beyond that which we need to survive. It makes trusting hard and you won't let me love again completely. I wish it'd been Jack I'd loved then instead of.. the predator. (That's what I'm going to start calling him from now, for the sake of this journal.) Love is a dangerous emotion, it has driven me to do terrible things to you. I'm not like other people; other people, they make threats of suicide to manipulate and control the person they're with... to coerce them into staying while still having too much self respect for their bodies to really, seriously, consider actually hurting their bodies. Although the words might pass from their mouths, the thought of truly hurting their bodies repulses most people enough to deseage them. Most people would never actually make an attempt to poison, hurt or actually attempt to kill themselves... in spite of their claims. I used to think that my fear of death made me a coward, that suicide was an act of bravery that made me a silent martyr of love. By taking my own life, I felt that I was courageous and powerful, it vindicated me. Freeing me of the pain of my inevitable abandonment without forcing me to manipulate the person I was with into staying with me, someone they didn't love. It made me feel like the love I felt then was pure, selfless, good and true. Rather than dealing with my fear of being alone without the person I had chosen to love, I chose to kill myself. And when I made that chose, the choice to take a human life, everything changed. I have always been a troubled individual, that much is true. Love was at the source of all my trouble, or the lack thereof. So when I tried to take my life from you, That first unplanned incident that struck me to the core I had so little control over my life back then My life at that point was a losing battle of willpower vs. nature That evening was a profound one Every day recurring that one had been a tedious battle to fight my true nature and overcome it. Pouring literally everything I had into the ever illusive success I aspired to... When I woke up, to late for school, too late for work, my success in both a contingency I needed to uphold to garner the intimacy of the predator. The weight of my failure was more than I could bare... sharply aware of the fact I'd just lost my job for failing to attend, failed my class with the only question remaining: By what margin? Based on the calculations I ran in attempt to comfort myself thinking that I had some slim margin of grace I could pass by but realizing there where only levels of failure, C-, D+, D, D- and E left for me to "achieve". And that margin, and why, didn't matter. Meaning, to me, I was dumped. The predator had only agreed to stay with me if I passed my classes and held down a job. It was a simple arrangement, in theory I hadn't felt it unfair, I wanted to succeed, so why wouldn't I want to be worth someone who wanted me to succeed too? No one at that point knew that I had lost my job, failed my class and been dumped... yet. But it was all in my future, clearly laid out for me. I future I didn't want, which led me to me first, real, attempt in adulthood. I took a bottle of aspirin down from the medicine cabinet and swallowed as many pills as I could before passing out again. Drifting off into a thoughtless back sleep thinking the pain of living was behind me. I woke up the next morning, too annoyed to try again, it would look suspicious if I did anyways. My parents were home, they would know if I tried again that it was suicide on not some mystery cause of death. So I went to school. My ears rang for a week but I didn't no other notable side effects. When I returned home that evening I figured I just hadn't taken enough, I calculated the lethal dose of aspirin for someone my weight, rounded up, then doubled the dose and put it in a neat little zip-block for later. My suicide kit. My escape if I ever needed it. It would be painless. Painkillers inhibit the feeling of pain I reasoned so it was a better option that other methods I'd reasoned at the time. It was that morning this sweet, innocent, Christian raised girl lost her faith in God. Death, suicide, the act of taking a human life, it changed me in a way I fear is irreversible.

@renegade_bee I don't know much about UTI's but I do know just because you think you have tried everything, the answer is to not give up. I have had many clients who have come to for depression and suicide and what I find most is that these people do not want to end their life, its a big cry for help, a solution and as hard life gets you are the answer to any problem you will ever have in life. You are 18 years old and I am sure you have heard this before but you have your whole life to design and make things the way you want. Just because you have went to 100 Doctors, Psychiatrists, Psychologists doesn't mean you have tried everything. Why don't you try 101 times and if that doesn't work try a different approach. Your life is not over due to this condition. I have had many people come across me with more severe life threatening conditions who have made it through things like cancer, people who have lost a leg and won't be able to walk for the rest of their life. These people are some of the most successful people in life and business that I know because they never gave up. You need to develop mental toughness first and foremost because your mind will determine which path you choose. We are so used to doing what it easy and comfortable but we are so much more than that. Our mind has the power to overcome just about any adversity IF we learn how to train it and use it right to get the results we want. Definitely call a help line in your Country/Area to help with your emotional side of things. Go see a specialist (even a few) to find a solution to your problem. I don't think UTI are incurable so don't give up. There will be tougher situations you may come across in life, whatever happens, learn to be stronger than anything comes your way and don't ever be ashamed to ask for help or seek guidance from people. Don't feel you are left out or different from everyone else, some people progress slower and faster than others at various things, some people were born with conditions while others are healthy their whole life. What seperates the weak from the strong is your determination, persistence and how mentally strong you are. Believe in hope and believe in yourself that you will get through this.

uhh I wish i could show you.. Suicide will only lead to doing it all over again and leaving deep karmic marks and pain to those left behind. Have you ever considered psychedelics? They saved me from suicide when everyone else didn't work. They showed me the meaning of existence, who i really am, what life's really about, why i came here on earth and answered every question i had ever wondered about in a flash of an eye. Now i am living life to the fullest helping others like myself come to the same realizations. I have been through so much darkness which is why i know what i know today. I know from experience nothing i say will help if i started with herbs, diet, meditation, travel ect.. but for emergency situations i honestly believe from the deepest part of my heart these were put here on earth for, to reconnect ourselves to who we truly are and whoever disagrees just lacks the experience and understanding. One experience magic mushroom, LSD, DMT, MDMA, Ayahuasca, Peyote ect.. or even Cannabis if you never have before can completely change your life around. If you don't try once you will never really know what it was all about and you would never know if it could of saved you from doing what you were planning to do. If i had to pick i would go with Shrooms or DMT, they show you what you need to see but if you cant come across them give the others a try and make sure they are pure. Drugs don't help, drugs don't work, Nature helps, nature works. and when i say psychedelics i mean those extracted from plants, even LSD originally is extracted from a type of fungi i believe. Checkout PsychedSubstance on youtube and MAPS(Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies) to properly educate yourself about these substances. Growing up, living on the streets, being bullied, tortured daily and treated like trash, betrayed, left alone i tried to kill myself many times but there was always something that kept me going and stopping me at the last minute. I am always grateful for that now that i live a completely different life and had experience with psychedelics and meditation that made it all clear and simple for me. Nowadays i know that no matter what happens in life, even if i endure the pain i endured 10x over i will never even come close to suicide because i understand the impact it will have on not just those left behind but my growth as a soul and my future existence will be filled more more karmic energies following me around and never knowing why. Do you remember before you were born? Its not worth it. I suggest giving this a read it may help understand this stuff better http://thegreaterpicture.com/guides.html I know you said you probably wont listen to others but i honestly think you should give me a chance when i say this since i have been through a lot myself and something similar to what you are going through. Over the years i have become a some sort of health expert myself and you are 100% correct all those guys and things you went to are meaningless, if you want to try something for me because i swear by this stuff, my life has changed around switching from modern medicine, drugs, therapists, ect.. to nature, to natural methods that actually work. http://www.top10homeremedies.com/home-remedies/home-remedies-for-urinary-tract-infection.html https://au.pinterest.com/pin/413416440768149564/ https://draxe.com/home-remedies-for-uti/ I used to have the same pains as you say every day, once i started eating real foods(organic fruits, vegetables, nuts and seeds, and Herbs & Spices= natures medicine) and cut everything processed and junk out, i started becoming alive again. No more pains or problems. This is when it all began after my darkness phase lead me into meeting my fungi friend. I have even helped people cure their own cancers and other disorders, its very simple, Nature contains everything we need to sustain life, its when man started making and doing everything artificial is when diseases and problems started to occur. This is all a big business scam. Cancer industry alone makes 200b+ a year from treatments and those who practice natural alternatives lose their jobs or end up dead and this is not a joke. The people you went to see are trained a certain way, they don't know jack shit about health and curing. If you want to see how intelligent is nature and how simple cancer can be cured all you have to do is find the root cause. And the root cause of cancer and most diseases is Lack of Oxygen to the cells which causes an acid environment. Cancer cannot simply exist in an oxygen rich, alkaline Environment. All the same for everything else. You have to find real people with real answers, look for natural remedies and cures, doctors are all trained to sell drugs nothing more. Never go there. I know cranberry and aloe vera juice daily should help too and do wonders and buy organic who cares if its double the price, this is life, spend your last penny because when your gone it wont matter. https://www.ihealthtube.com has helped me a lot. Ayurvedic medicine is also another thing i swear by and methods that actually work and cure modern diseases. They have been used for thousands of years. I hope my words can help you, i will always be here to help because i know what you are going through. It never hurts to try a few more things. These days i try to live as its my last day, so i make sure i do as much can and fuck everything else, this is your life, fuck society, fuck the system and go do what you want, what makes you smile, what makes you laugh, do what you fear to do, your existence here is more important than anything else man-made and never let those things bring you down and limit your existence, you are far more valuable and important. All the best. I exchange my Highest vibration of infinite love to you, Pluto <3

@renegade_bee The thing about suicide is people assume that ending their life is going to end their suffering. But nobody knows what happens to the energy once it has been "bumped off" so to speak. Science tells us that energy never dies, can only be transformed, so dont be so hasty thinking that death = the end of suffering. Nobody can prove an afterlife, but nobody can disprove it either, meaning you dont know that death is going to end suffering, so there is no point in bringing about the end of it in this way. Adjusting your mind to the circumstances is the way to end suffering, its easy to do when you just knuckle down and get on with replacing your negative attitude with one of gratitude for having been blessed with an experience at all. Yes, youre not getting what you want, that doesnt mean youre not getting what you need. If you are still breathing then take that as a gift. Believe me, the only way to end suffering is to change your mind, because that is the only thing you have control over. Pain very well may continue, but you can control suffering.

good point. this kind of topic is not important right now. i see myself on the place you are because once i actually was. i was sexually ill, with a sick penis, for 26 years. sex was horrifying and i had to go through a dangerous surgery, with the risk of losing genital sensibility. fight for your healing because it's possible. you need professional help. all i said on the other comment was that suicide is NOT going to help at all.