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My parents forced my brother to suicide, my mother ruined my life. I gathered courage to go back consciously and found insights which have made me unburdened.

So..In the past few months I have been depressed and highly anxious.But,since I started to meditate daily my depression lifted up,and now I'm anxious about my future or I'm being negative only when I'm really tired(don't really know why).Other than that,my life is going pretty well(I mean..mediocre).My grades are improving,I'm not that anxious anymore when I'm called on in class,and I am socializing better. The point is..Even though I'm not depressed anymore,life still not seems that exciting.When I try to improve myself trough learning programming or socializing(these are the things that I know I should be doing more) I often ask myself..Why am I doing this?And then I realize that I don't have a solid reason for doing them.I mean..I like programming,but I don't see myself doing that for the rest of my life,at least now.And socializing..I do that because I think it will keep me far from depression,and it also raises my spirit when I am down..As you can see,it is about me..Just to summarize..I don't really have much motivation or solid reasons for doing something. Now I think that having a purpose would change my life drastically (in a positive way).I would finally wake up in the morning excited,because it is a new day and I might do amazing stuff,or have fun with friends..But the thing is I can't find it.You might say, "well buy Leo's course"..For reasons not worth mentioning I can't,but there is a way I could gather money and buy it... The thing is...I don't have motivation to put in the effort to do so.I don't have motivation/solid reasons for improving my life,get a girlfriend,socialize more,study harder,etc..And I don't know why.There is something missing.. When I was a kid,I liked waking up in the morning,and I was enjoying my day..(when I was going to school,but I remember times when I was a kid when life seemed very dull).. Anyways...My question is the following:How can I get motivated to improve my life?How can I wake up in the morning excited,even though I don't have a purpose yet?How can I add more zest to my life? Remember when I said I could gather money and buy Leo's course?Well,it would be a good step in the right direction,but that doesn't seems exciting..The idea of finding my purpose doesn't seems exciting to me,and I do not know why. And one more last point..You might ask how I managed to force myself to break out of depression if I still don't have a sense of direction/purpose?I didn't did it for me,I did it for my parents..I was having suicidal thoughts and I realized if I was one day to commit suicide one day,my family would suffer a lot..And I didn't wanted that..(please, don't telle things like "well,find your purpose and improve yourself for your parents if that was a good reason for stop being depressed"..This still doesn't seems motivating to me).

I was meditating today until I burst out in tears (sometimes I burst out in a laugh attack-you never know with crazy people like me... Who seriously think they will become a sage one day. heheh... oh man...). And then continued meditation because I am a disciplined person... And then swapped all plans of the day because I am not a disciplined person... To journal about depression- no taboos . What is depression? The period of time you spend until facing the options of 1. overcoming your fear of feeling and accepting what is to feel/accept, understanding and growing from whichever events/beliefs/thoughts triggered it OR 2. Spiralling down some sort of addiction to carry on OR 3. Committing suicide/dying. It´s that period of time you spend until you finally find some empathy for yourself and others or... Don´t. The destination of depression is either birth of new reasons to try and live or staying with your old reasons and eventually taking those to the grave... Depression is a consequence of bad balance, bad self care and the belief that you have no power over your emotions. It is a victim mentality and a perspective far, far away from Truth... I fear depression. Why? I´ve been there. I hate it. I was making a list about what I hate about depression and then wondered if there is anything I love about depression. Weird thought with interesting results... What I hate about depression your thoughts being a Mary-go round without much variety, reinforcing and dancing around the same shitty memories, beliefs, emotions and possible futures. your entire energy being wasted on neurotic monkey mind until exhaustion and collapse the "freeze up" out of hopelessness, fear and victim mentality making you to either attend the movie played in your head or having to escape that through sleep (Or like... Staring at the sealing to the point of thoughtlessness...? :S) your attention span decreasing day by day until you can´t focus for 2 minutes straight anymore... the lack of drive to do anything feeling too tired to do anything. Even watching some video, listening to music, eating food, taking a shower, brushing your teeth... Okay, even in my worst of days I still visited the bathroom though... hehe... Being dizzy because of starvation and oversleeping on the way to the bathroom... Googling what the best way to commit suicide is but not having the motivation to get up and buy the utensils for that and also feeling too tired to write a goodbye letter to the very few people you don´t want to get upset about your death (´cause you know... It´s a bad and cowardice thing... Maybe not towards death... But towards life ) Remembering being like 16-17 years old and complaining in your dairy (nowhere else-I mean I was probably the only one who hided the fact that I wanted to die ) that society doesn´t allow you to die. The loss of a sense of time (sometimes even space). Knowing that it would take people (even people I consider close to me) a lot of time to notice that I am dead so that the poor housekeeper would have problems getting your room back into a human friendly place but also re-renting it to someone in the knowing that a decomposing body was its last inhabitant. when you decide you want to feel better and even though your normally insatiable curiosity has ended up like your in general eradicated personality, you use your last strength to click on some documentary (short videos aren´t suited ´cause auto-play is annoying and always clicking on new stuff too tiring when you are dead depressed) and force yourself to watch that... then watching documentaries for 5 hours. At some point noticing you fell asleep and it´s like 3 o´clock in the morning or something like that. then feeling guilt about having watched documentaries for for 5 hours... knowing that the world will not just not love you this way or for having been this way, no, not even like you but probably even get mad at your disfunctionality (okay, I admit most part of it will stay in apathy). Asking yourself: Do you even WANT to live?! Do you even WANT to be happy?! And getting no answer... the loss of stamina and physical strength... (hooow UN-attractive and baaad... Sooo bad for health...ts-ts-ts...). Remembering that stupid promise of the last big melt down that you would never get in some state like this again. The binge or overeating after re-establishing eating despite the absence of real appetite since some part of you has lost the trust that you will feed yourself in regular timespans... Knowing that you have the following options to explain yourself for your absence and unproductivity during this period of time in case you come up with a way to survive it: 1. Pretend as if you were okay all the time and you just slacked off carelessly and lazyly because you are irresponsible so that he/she will have their stupid explanation, can negatively judge on you and leave you alone. 2. Tell them you were suffering from some sort of illness and lie up some crap. 3. Tell them you were not feeling well in the hope they will get the point... 4. Tell them you were depressed in the hope they would believe you without further questions, pity or that disbelieving face that looks like it´s saying: Wining, lazy piece of shit with a Greek surname. 5. Tell them your life story in an understandable way (minimal duration 5 hours), dispite having no hope they would actually understand much. 6. Avoid anything that might require you have to explain yourself (yea that´s so me... Creates social anxiety since it makes you choreograph each move and word of a conversation because god forbid they find out you are not a lovable piece of sunshine producing rainbows, riding on a unicorn and leaving smiles wherever it goes (excuse my hyperbolic talk but I have to make fun of myself sometimes...). I could continue but I think... I think I really don´t want to go to that place again. Like EVER. So, I have to get this function out of the system. Like forever. And EVER. And EVER...

INTRO. I took LSD yesterday, and I'm integrating the insights today. Here's what I learned. Disclaimer: These insights are from my perspective. They're not absolute. But I think a lot of you will resonate. KNOW THYSELF. An hour after popping the tab, I didn't know who I was. Literally, I did not know. There was nothing to define me. I was nothing, had nothing, and everything was leftover. I felt like I had arrived, which is the feeling I've been looking for my entire life without realizing. Death didn't matter, because the distinction between death and life didn't apply. When there's nothing to hold onto, what dies? I laughed and cried. "Thank you for my life" cannot even come close to the level of gratitude I felt. ACCEPT THYSELF. I agree with Freud when he says that societies are fundamentally neurotic. Civilization is full of "should's". It needs to be in order for things to run smoothly. We forget, however, that humans are animals, and to moralize an animal is to cage it. The zookeeper, the thing that keeps the human animal in its cage, is often called the ego or the lower self. I like to call it the Guardian. The human animal has no knowledge of death, but the Guardian does. He thinks he has the animal's best interests in mind by protecting it from the Darkness, by keeping it in a cage, by not allowing it to get hurt. Sure, he allows the animal to survive, but he doesn't allow it to live. The human animal has a primal urge to connect. To share. To give freely without taking. To feel. To be naked and vulnerable. To have wild and crazy sex. To look someone in the eye and acknowledge that they're here together on a leaky boat in a shoreless sea. I realized that my Guardian has been using spiritual ideas to deny these things. Leo has revolutionized my life; I thank him dearly. But his prioritizing of spirituality/truth has also convinced me that spending time with friends is useless. That connecting with other people is a waste of time. That I should instead work endlessly on self-actualization alone. Stack that on top of the spiritual purification idea, that sex is somehow bad, that you shouldn't feel anger or sadness. Then watch all of those Rupert Spira/Mooji videos to see how peaceful they look, and then to try to be that way all the time. It's ironic how I've used the very tools for uncaging the human animal, to cage it even more. I've been isolating myself. Avoiding social interaction. Reading books for mental masturbation. Masturbating to porn, using one hand to block the view of my other hand. This is the Guardian, sedating the caged animal before it gets stir-crazy again. For as long as I can remember, I've had little to no circulation from my waist downwards. Cold feet. Premature ejaculation. Constipation issues. It's like the bottom half of my body's been lifeless and I've been "full of shit." But once the LSD kicked in, the Guardian was obliterated, and the human animal escaped its cage. Circulation came back to my bottom half. I could actually breathe again for the first time in years. I felt relaxed. I felt my primal urge to connect, to give freely, to be horny and beastly. I was alive! When this happened, I started growling and walking around on all fours. I did somersaults, something I only did in my childhood. I took all my clothes off and went in an ice bath. I laughed and cried and smiled. I took a walk outside and laughed that I had to wear clothes. I felt like a chimpanzee in a tuxedo. Looking at other humans was the most fascinating spectacle. This place is just a massive costume party. I realized that I take my costume way too seriously. Leo talks a lot about holism, about accounting for all of Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Now I see the value in that. Focus too much on spirituality, and it becomes a sedative for the caged human animal. FORGIVE THYSELF. This bit is more personal, but I figure I'd share. In my journal, I mentioned that my friend killed himself a couple years ago. What I didn't mention was that I felt it was my fault. No matter how much I tried to convince myself otherwise, I felt guilty. I recently discovered that this guilt runs deeper than his suicide. It's been a constant theme all throughout my life. "You don't deserve to be alive. There's something wrong with you. Go away and hide. You're defective. You don't deserve anyone's time and attention." At some point in the trip, this guilt hit me like a freight train. I was writhing on my bed, sobbing like a child. I couldn't stop saying, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!" Here's the weird part. I split into two personalities. There was that one, the child, and there was the mother. The mother let the child sob while she comforted him. I put my hand on my leg and started rubbing it with my thumb, the way my mom used to do it. "It's okay, it's okay." the mother said. Then, something snapped. I forgave myself. The tears washed the guilt away. It felt nice to not need anyone else but me to... LOVE THYSELF. That's right. I said it. I'm not a new agey kind of guy, and I think it's an overused word. But now I understand the meaning of "self-love." It can't be half-assed. It can't be faked. It can't be put into an affirmation. You need to feel it in your innermost being. It's easy to forget. Civilization conditioned us to believe that love comes from outside sources. We spend all of this time seeking a girlfriend/boyfriend, achievement, success, enlightenment, and other things because we think they will provide us with the love we so desperately need. But these are finite resources, and as with anything finite, we fight to keep them. We get competitive, greedy, self-centered in order to keep the love we think comes from these sources. The masses of men lead lives of quiet desperation because they believe love is scarce. But we are all sadly mistaken. After I forgave myself, love was gushing out of me like an unclogged hose. It was endless. I loved my body, my legs, my personality. I loved my voice, my hair, my dick. The love couldn't contain itself. I loved the bed I was lying on, the ceiling, the sheets. I loved the trees outside, the sky, the water. Then I realized...wait for it...ALL is love. There's no difference between life and love. Go ahead. Laugh it up. Then I realized that the only obstruction to this abundance of love was...wait for it. Fear. We accept the love we think we deserve. Fear is the Guardian. When the Guardian is obliterated, love remains. Thus, in a paradoxical sort of way, love = death = life = God. In the state of love, every second is an extra second. A privilege, not a right. Life is a heavenly epilogue to a melodramatic farce. Life is God's masturbatorium. God just wants to jerk Himself off with his own love. All you want to do, is share it. There was so much love to give that I didn't know what to do with myself. So I took that walk outside, called my brother for once (I don't normally reach out to people). I complimented a girl in a shop. I looked all of the passers-by in the eye, hoping that they would at least receive some of the love I was trying to share. Most of the time, they looked away in a split second. But it didn't matter to me. I didn't need anyone to love me. I WAS love itself. OTHER NOTES. LSD is a very cerebral psychedelic. There weren't as many visualizations as shrooms. I was mostly in my head. I consider myself fairly creative, but this drug multiplies your creative capacity by 1000. I couldn't stop writing and talking. Insights were spewing out of me at a million miles an hour. LSD is an opportunity to ask yourself deep questions, especially about your psychological issues. Here's a sample of some of the questions I asked myself: What do I want? Why do I isolate myself? What purpose does my constipation serve? What am I so afraid of? And so on. You ever see the movie Limitless, with Bradley Cooper? It kind of felt like that. The trip lasted more than twelve hours. I popped the tab at 10 AM, and I was still tripping at 1 in the morning. The Guardian is back. Circulation to my bottom half is cut off again. But at least now I know what I can work towards. This song was the theme to my trip. I listened to it more than 15 times: OUTRO. If you made it this far, thanks for reading! Words can only do so much justice. I can write for hours about this trip and it would have 1/100th of the impact compared to actually taking LSD. My suggestion? Give it a try. Just know what you're getting into. Do the research. Be meticulous. And, most importantly, enjoy. Cheers, Brett

(What you about to read are my collection of beliefs I've worked hard to put together, to understand life. Mostly it's a programmer's/creator's point of view which I find to be the most accurate one. There are plenty of statements which might not be true, but probably have to be to fit into the story) Introduction to reality: Ego is You. You came to existence because it was useful for Source to make a split. This is permanent. Source wants to grow and you are fully connected to that process whether you know it or not (your feelings will make sure you do the work). Source will keep you in a "detached ego form" but will let you experience things (as a reward, mostly called "heaven") depending on how much value you bring in growth "Mining World" in which you live right now. There should also be "hell" as well if you have been knowingly harming the growth process - not sure how it works though. "Heaven" should be about rewarding you with anything you want. Maybe whatever you will come up with. But also there should be ways to experience what Source already has created. So it's possible that your life will be observed countless times - just like a video - by other "travelers". It looks like a wonderful system and overall it has to work perfectly (no room for error) to work at all. Problem with Ego death: As I've mentioned - Ego can't be destroyed anymore. It's good enough in a state that it is and will serve Source in one way or the other. Source wants to keep the identity of - "management system / God". But what about the experience? (Note that I haven't experienced anything "drug-induced" or what could be called as "near death experience - NDE". Simply collected the data.) Let's start with NDEs: It looks like people go to the state of "choice". They want to leave "Mining World", but because they are presented with the "choice" Source will try to convince "to continue the work". To do that Source can only use "current relationships" and "potential" - possibly only the knowledge you already know. But I am still wondering about "people's extra perception" - It doesn't make sense that Source would allow that. There is a way to predict the future through patterns and so far I found no reason to believe in other means, even "special dreams". Otherwise you can somehow ask for the Source some pretty powerful things simply by threatening with "Ego Death". Ego Death Experience: Simply the opposite of being - You refuse to Grow. "Ego Death" (commonly by Leo is described more as..) "forgetting being" because of all the other Ego's that exist - which is actually not Ego death - but Lust. So the Source will quickly remind you of how things work and that you have to have your own collection of experience. While actual Ego Death is simply suicide. And obviously this is ridiculous - of-course you would want to avoid it. Should you have a way to completely give up Ego? Source WILL take a lot of Ego powers from you if you will do something like this. But no matter how much power you lose Source will keep the "Ego Origin" - the idea that creating you was still a good idea. Most importantly Feel free to play with my ideas :3 (Instead of trying to attack them or take them too seriously)

@Gurunext Ego gives you nothing but illusion. The power that comes from the ego is only illusory. What do you mean with "Ego Death Experience: Simply the opposite of being"? pure being is the result of the disappearance of the ego; The ego veils being with false beliefs. "Ego Death is simply suicide" Yes! that's exactly what we are here for. Complete annihilation of the false. We don't "kill" anything that's true, but only that which was never true in the first place

Thank you for the no-bullshit reply! If it were not clear from my topic, I consider myself an artist, and I am fully open to the possibility that I suck at marketing despite investing energy and learning and practicing. One part of what I feel is limiting me in this aspect is a notion that Oscar Wilde expresses the following way: "A work of art is the unique result of a unique temperament. Its beauty comes from the fact that the author is what he is. It has nothing to to do with the fact that other people want what they want. Indeed, the moment that an artist takes notice of what other people want, and tries to supply the demand, he ceases to be an artist, and becomes a dull or an amusing craftsman, an honest or a dishonest tradesman." I suppose it is possible that I am extending this principle into the realm of marketing where it may not apply, but it often feels like the very things that make my art genuine and unique are that things that differentiate it from the norms and wants of mainstream culture. This leaves me with the choice of either watering down my art and becoming a craftsman or seeking out the minority that could appreciate its value appropriately to justify a reasonably high price. I would obviously opt for the latter but how does one even go about achieving that pragmatically? Over the years I've accumulated a decent following of over 10k people on my Facebook page taking photos of mostly alternative girls, but unlike Suicide Girls my work is focused more so on portraits and aesthetics rather than nudity. This is obviously a significantly less viable source of income with everyone interested in working with me playing the "it's free exposure" card, including major magazines. I've had photos of mine with thousands of likes and/or becoming editor's choice at virtually all of the photo-sharing sites, including National Geographic's platform, yet when it comes to print sales the numbers tell a completely different story. I don't want to be another artist crybaby about it, I'm determined to get better, not bitter, hence my interest in joining the forum. I am certain I still have a bunch of limiting beliefs as well as an ego I'm unconsciously protecting so your input and suggestions are all very welcome. Thank you once again!

Sallekhana OR Santhara OR Prayopavesa is not in Hinduism, it is in Jainism. Jainism is the most ascetic religion in the world. Jaina monks torture themselves so much that one wonders if they are insane. The idea of committing santhara, suicide, by not eating or drinking, is nothing but a very long process of self-torture. Your life here should be the days of meditation, love, compassion, friendliness, playfulness, laughter; and if you can do that, you will be rewarded by a conscious death. You cannot manage to die consciously without a long, meditative, conscious life. Only a conscious life is rewarded with conscious death — it is a reward, but only to the conscious man.

Hello @One, if you are saying that you are not depressed, than be aware, because statisticly speaking - people who are depressed are not commiting suicides. Those are people who are not depressed. They have a clear mind to do such a bad desicion. It would be pity to lose live just because you fit into the stats, woldnt it be? Another statistics say, that in these days it is more plausible to die because of suicide, than because of murder. That means you are your bigest enemy. This forum is all about how to became your bigges friend, so to speak. Head up! And go to nature, that will help. Love, Delinkaaaa

There are people who have lost their all hopes and finding life meaningless. There are people who are ready to suicide or are on their death bed. Can they choose path of enlightenment ?

@SC GM Ain't nothing "reasonable" or "logical" about your life. 99% of everything you do is emotional. Including any considerations of suicide. The problem is that you don't have sufficient awareness yet of just how powerfully your emotions control you. You are like a puppet of your emotions. And you are never going to change that with logic. Logic is the backwards rationalization you make for your emotional prejudices.

After struggling today with my consciousness work, I felt disappointed in myself for not meeting my expectations. However, I was shocked at the compassion I had for myself. One year ago, I would have been toxically self-critical and would have identified as a failure. I was honestly shocked at how much better I handled this that I would have one year ago. I just realized, I've been following Actualized.org for over one year now. I had just been rejected by my first romantic love interest, and I was contemplating suicide back then. I noticed today was how this place really gives me hope. Knowing that I don't need to chase after unattainable materialistic goals to get the best life is probably what saved me from total and utter despair. Before Actualized.org, I had given up hope because I realized how ludicrous it was to aspire to certain things. I had done some deep introspection in High School and reasoned that the only way to truly get the most out of life would be to be God. I literally set that as my long term vision and planned on banking my whole life on transhumanism and the hope the science would master everything. I thought biological immortality and complete manipulation of reality would be the optimal situation. When I slowly became more aware of the inherent limitations of rationality, logic, and science, I entered deep depression and turned to pathetic hedonism as the best life strategy. I got into pick up, watched Leo's videos on how to attract women, and funny enough found that he was into the same philosophical/ intellectual topics that I was. I never even considered spirituality as a path to truth until I found that a person with a similar personality and history was serious about it. I didn't think it would lead anywhere but I gave it a shot. A year later. I've been doing this work consistently and I just have so much more hope. It's tough to believe at times that I actually can do something to create the best life for myself and my lack of talent, good looks, etc. isn't really an issue. By raising my consciousness, I feel so much more secure, as if God himself is embracing me and letting me know that no matter what happens, it will all be okay. You just have to wake up and see that is the case for yourself. I shed a literal tear of joy writing this.

The more intelligent you are, the more the idea will be coming again and again: Why go on living? For what? For this same rut? Only a very very mediocre person can go on living. Otherwise, one day or other, the idea arises: "What am I doing here? If this is the way life goes, I have lived for forty years repeating the same thing, I may live forty years more, repeating the same things again - then what? This is the beginning of intelligence, although not the end. And by committing suicide, nothing is changed. You will be born again, and the whole nonsense will start, from ABC. That is pointless. When you are thinking of suicide, that simply says you are thinking that this life that you have lived up to now is not worth living. But there are possibilities in it which you have not tried yet. I say to you: This life can become a great joy. It became a great joy to Krishna, it became a great ecstasy to Christ, it became a jubilation to Buddha. The life that you have lived is not the only alternative. It can be lived in a thousand and one ways - there are other ways to live it. You may have lived a life without love. Why not try love? You may have lived a life obsessed with money. Why not live a life unobsessed with money? You may have lived a life which hankers to possess. Now live a life which is not worried about possessing anything. You may have lived a life of respectability - you may have always been considering what people think about you, what their opinion is. There is a life to live without bothering what others are thinking about you; there is a life to live individually and rebelliously. There is a life to live which is of adventure and not of social conformity. There is a life of meditation, of God, of search, of going within. You may have lived an outside life, chasing this and chasing that. There can be another life of not chasing anything, but sitting silently, disappearing within your being. A life of interiority. And you will be surprised - the whole idea of suicide will disappear, and you will stumble upon a life which is eternal.

Suicide is the desperate and paradoxical attempt to fully live, to release and free oneself of all suffering/hopelessness/despair/pain. In that sense it's the ultimate lie. And obviously because there is no such thing as death

Because I don't see the point. Your second statement doesn't make sense to me - life contains suffering, death would end it, it would seem logical to commit suicide.

@Hanski I can totally relate. This happened after a couple years of daily meditation and just a few weeks after a strong dose of psilocybin. I've noticed that it was highly due to the fact that I stopped meditating, taking more breaks/shortening my sit times for each day after. I fell into an endless loop of all hopelessness, fear, depression, and a feeling that even suicide wouldn't even make a difference. As soon as I read more about this "Dark Night of the Soul" I became more aware. Check out "End Of Your World" By Adyashanti (about post awakening and how to deal with life) I found it very relatable and helpful. I see it as a process of 'ego confusion' as if the ego realized it's own emptiness/essenseless and it's kinda thinking twice about things. As soon as I picked up my meditation practice, micro-dosed every few days, took ashwagandha here and there, most if not all have cleared away! I am confident in saying that after this "hurdle" life will become clairvoyant and evermore magical! Keep your head up and be aware.

Enlightenment and dealing with it As far as I understood Jeffery Martin there are 2 ways people react to the permanent non symbolic experience or enlightenment...( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=azYF3EFpZ4g). 1. There are those who feel free and at the peak of pleasant and 2. Those who feel desperate, fall into deep depression and maybe even commit suicide. I guess that is why Leo once said something like: If you want to get enlightened and then kill yourself, then fine. We can´t know in which category we´ll fall, or do we?

What happened in Jonestown was absolutely Christian, but not even a single person in the world has talked about the fact that it was a Christian phenomenon, that Christianity was its background, that Jim Jones was a reverend, that he was a Christian priest, and the people who followed him simply followed according to the Christian ideology. Of course, they went to the very logical end. Jesus says to his people: ”After death there will be judgment day, and I will be there to pick my people. And only those who are with me will be saved; all others will be thrown into the eternal darkness of hell.” Reverend Jim Jones was continually teaching the BIBLE, Christianity, and of course he was teaching that real life begins after death. And if he convinced those fools, one thousand fools, it is nothing to be surprised at: they were all Christians. The gospel was Christian, and if he convinced them to die with him ... why wait for the judgment day? And on the judgment day there is going to be so much of a crowd – poor Jim Jones, how is he going to find his one thousand followers? It will be really difficult. The best way is: Jim Jones dies and with him his followers die. And they will reach the gates of heaven with God and Jesus Christ and all the apostles shouting, ”Alleluia!” This is far better, quicker. Other Christians have waited for two thousand years but the judgment day has not come yet. And if you read Jesus, his disciples asking again and again, ”When will the judgment day come?” and he says, ”Soon.” The whole indication is that it is going to happen within your life. Now, twenty centuries have passed; it has not happened. Nobody asks the pope, ”What about the judgment day? Jesus was saying, ‘Soon.’ What do you mean by ‘soon’?” At least it should be explained how many centuries, how many generations .... ”Soon” cannot be extended that much. But Christian bishops and cardinals and priests are comparing Osho with Jim Jones. In churches, sermons were delivered and it was said that Rajneeshpuram was going to become a second Jonestown. Now, who is going to say to these fools that this was the only place which cannot become Jonestown? The whole rest of the world can become – because Osho was not interested in the afterlife, he was only interested in life here, now. You will be surprised to know that in Jonestown, lovemaking among the members of the sect was not allowed. Celibacy was enforced. There were hard strict rules: the people were not allowed to go outside the commune, no contact with outsiders was allowed. They were living in isolation, they were all ascetics. And it is because of this asceticism that they were ready to commit suicide. Now people are searching for the causes. Somebody thinks that he hypnotized people, somebody thinks something else—a thousand and one reasons are being found. The simple reason is, he diverted their eros—that's all. And eros can be diverted very easily….just like in christian monasteries, where monks don't suicide but practice of homosexuality is well known.

I've always struggled with my esteem, at one point my social anxiety was so bad that I couldn't even talk to my family and closest friends without experiencing physical symptoms. Recently I started appreciating myself and what I stand for and all of a sudden I woke up. I could see everyones insecurities, their intentions... It was extremely overwealming and I kinda freaked out. In any case, I drew a load of attention to myself and said a bunch of stuff that people couldn't comprehend and I guess my sanity is under question at the moment. I can no longer see auras at the moment and I don't think I would like to at the moment either. Although I've committed social suicide... my esteem is still quite high and I go through periods of not caring about judgement. However when I'm in my own corner I feel so energetic and act completely differently to the way I was before which only draws more suspicion. It sucks, I've formed such valuable friendships over the span of two years and now nobody really knows how to approach me. Everyone is walking on eggshells around me. I'm so glad I've realised my potential, but I kinda destroyed my place of belonging in the process. Tl;dr: How do you keep your inner child at bay and appear collected outwardly & how do you remain positive when your life begins to crumble around you.

battles are lost in the same spirit with which they are won. I cried last week. I do it a lot nowadays. What often happens is that something triggers a sad cry: for my friend's suicide, for my guilt, for life's vanity. But then, out of nowhere, I transition to a hysterical laugh-cry: for gratitude, for the love for everything, for being alive, for the big cosmic joke that is life. Strangely, I don't prefer one mode of crying over another. They're both beautiful and cathartic in their own ways. My man Walt Whitman once wrote that battles are lost in the same spirit with which they are won. I think I get what he means now.

Hello everyone, This gets a bit heavy but I didn't know where else to post this, I'll probably put it on reddit too. I'm an 18 year old male. Normally I should be excited for the life ahead and all its possibilities. My situation is a bit different. Very soon, I will take my own life. I know the response would be to man up and stop being a victim, which is all good and well when you actually have some control over your circumstances which I have not. Suicide in my case is not a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Let me explain. There are a million things not going right in my life right now. I'm severley depressed and have been for years now. Psychologists and therapists don't help at all. And no I'll never take drugs. I've seen how they changed my mothers personality and I'd rather die than live like that. And I'm not depressed bc of a brain imbalance, I'm depressed bc of the circumstances. However I'm convinced I could fix this if only my circumstances changed. I have extreme social anxiety and few friends. I have a binge eating disorder. My stomach hurts often because of overeating and then dieting/fasting. My dads an alcoholic who has no empathy at all for me. He also is in the beginning stages of Alzheimers (no one knows this; I recognized the symptoms but haven't told anyone). My mom is a wreck and emotionally unstable as well. I'm starting to develop an alcohol problem as well. However I'm convinced I can solve all of the above. My main reason is embarrasing and unsolvable. 4 years ago (when i was 14) I contracted a UTI. I had extreme pain during urination, had frequent urges and had extreme pain during ejaculation. So just go to the doctor and get it fixed, right? Well I did. I went to my GP maybe 12 times in the span of 2 years? He prescribed me all kinds of things (antibiotics, drugs, ...) but nothing helped. Then I went to two urologists. I did every test imaginable, from urine testing to checking inside my bladder with a camera. Again I took lots of different medications for months on end. Nothing helped. At this Point I started becoming extremely desperate. I could live with the urination pain but the worst part of all is the fact that ejaculating hurts so much. I'll never be able to have sex like this. At this point I also started looking into other doctors. I did homeopathy (a scam). Didn't help. I went to a psychologist and a psychiatrist. They told me I should learn to live with this. Fuck that. I went to a herb specialist. Didn't help. I went to a chiropractor. Didn't help. I took supplements that are supposed to kill the pain. Didn't help. I went to a hypnotherapist. Didn't help. I tried affirmations, visualizations, meditation. Didn't help. I'm now 18 and in my first year of college. During every class I have to leave the room with more than a hundred people several times just to go to the bathroom. It's extremely embarrasing. The pain is still there. Nothing. Fucking. Helps. All my friends are getting their lives started and are getting laid and while I'm happy for them, the realisation has now dawned on me that I will never experience this. If it weren't for this problem I would have been able to solve all the rest. I'm failing college as well because I just can't handle this anymore. I'm at my wits end. Therefore I have decided to kill myself the next time my parents are out of town for a night. I'm still researching on what the most painless method is, but aftre putting on some music I'll probably just fill the bathtub, get in and slit my wrists. I still don't know what the meaning of this existence is and why so many people have to suffer so much. I never chose to start this life, but I can choose to end it. I have come to the conclusion that God can't be good. Even if all this suffering is just ego, it's still very real for the people who live through it. Maybe there is an afterlife. I hope its better than this. I don't know why I wrote this or what kind of a response I should expect. Just why not i guess. To anyone reading this, I wish you all the best in life.

@renegade_bee If this is truly it, the end, if you've given up; then you're truly free. If you have the money, get on a plane, go to Asia, go to a monastery and they will take you, free of charge. If you don't have the money, walk. Go to a homeless shelter, get a little job, save a bit of money for a flight and fuck off somewhere. Piss yourself whenever you feel like it, fuck it, who cares? You did it a lot when you were a baby. Go get a load of shrooms, trip your nuts off. You're talking about becoming a corpse soon. Fuck your parents, fuck your comfort, fuck it all dude. Seriously. Try being free before suicide, and if then you still want to leave. you're free to check out. Don't even feel bad for being suicidal, you don't owe anybody anything.

@renegade_bee Don't do it. Hope you're still here and I'm really sorry you're going through all. But it's not worth it. When I was going through a similar phase, prayer was the only thing that helped me. Life is hard but you are only 18, you have your life ahead of you. If you are worried about getting laid, your life is more precious than any girl/boy/friend in the world. We don't live only for romance and sex, there is so much more to life than stuff that you see other people doing/enjoying. Stop comparing yourself to others because comparison is the biggest self-esteem demolisher. Everybody has their own problems and their own stories to tell. There are millions out there who suffer, at least just like you if not more. So you are not alone. You got to find your own 'sea of hope' where you will find your inner peace. Even in the worst circumstances, life is still worth living because you get this chance only once. Suicide can never be the ultimate option. Even suicide has a big drawback and that is the risk of failure associated with it. Many people end up handicapped or permanently disabled when their suicide attempts fail. So it's extremely dangerous. Try to heal yourself emotionally and spiritually first. Your problems may either go away one day or they may no longer be relevant from an existential perspective. May you find peace in your hour of trouble. Take care. (plz don't do it).

https://www.disabled-world.com/artman/publish/article_2086.shtml Famous People with Aspergers Syndrome Adam Young, multi-instrumentalist, producer and the founder of the electronic project Owl City. Adrian Lamo, American computer hacker Carl Soderholm, speaker in neuropsychiatric disorders Clay Marzo, American professional surfer Craig Nicholls, frontman of the Australian garage rock band, The Vines Daniel Tammet, British autistic savant, believed to have Asperger Syndrome Daryl Hannah, actress Dawn Prince-Hughes, PhD, primate anthropologist, ethologist, and author of Songs for the Gorilla Nation Gary Numan, British singer and songwriter Heather Kuzmich, fashion model and reality show contestant on America's Next Top Model James Durbin, finalist on the tenth season of American Idol Jerry Newport, American author and mathematical savant, basis of the film Mozart and the Whale John Elder Robison, author of Look Me in the Eye Judy Singer, Australian disability rights activist Liane Holliday Willey, author of Pretending to be Normal, Asperger Syndrome in the Family; Asperger syndrome advocate; education professor; and adult diagnosed with Asperger syndrome at age 35 Lizzy Clark, actress and campaigner Luke Jackson, author Michael Burry, US investment fund manager Nicky Reilly, failed suicide bomber from Britain Paddy Considine, actor Peter Howson, Scottish painter Phillipa "Pip" Brown (aka Ladyhawke), indie rock musician Raymond Thompson, New Zealand scriptwriter and TV producer Richard Borcherds, mathematician specializing in group theory and Lie algebras Satoshi Tajiri, creator and designer of Pokemon Tim Ellis, Australian magician and author Tim Page, Pulitzer Prize-winning critic and author Travis Meeks, lead singer, guitarist and song writer for acoustic rock band Days of the New. Vernon L. Smith, Nobel Laureate in Economics Hmmmmm.....I'm seeing a lot of SUCCESSFUL people here. Oh wait.....there's more! People that most likely had Aspergers Syndrome! Abraham Lincoln,1809-1865, US Politician Alan Turing, 1912-1954, English mathematician, computer scientist and cryptographer Albert Einstein, 1879-1955, German/American theoretical physicist Alexander Graham Bell, 1847-1922, Scottish/Canadian/American inventor of the telephone Anton Bruckner , 1824-1896, Austrian composer Bela Bartok, 1881-1945, Hungarian composer Benjamin Franklin,1706-1790, US polictician/writer Bertrand Russell, 1872-1970, British logician Bobby Fischer, 1943-2008, World Chess Champion Carl Jung, 1875-1961, Swiss psychoanalyst Charles Rennie Mackintosh, 1868-1928, Scottish architect and designer Emily Dickinson, 1830-1886, US poet Erik Satie, 1866-1925 - Composer Franz Kafka, 1883-1924, Czech writer Friedrich Nietzsche, 1844-1900, German philosopher George Bernard Shaw, 1856-1950, Irish playwright, writer of Pygmalion, critic and Socialist George Washington, 1732-1799, US Politician Gustav Mahler, 1860-1911, Czech/Austrian composer Marilyn Monroe, 1926-1962, US actress H P Lovecraft, 1890-1937, US writer Henry Cavendish, 1731-1810, English/French scientist, discovered the composition of air and water Henry Ford, 1863-1947, US industrialist Henry Thoreau, 1817-1862, US writer Isaac Newton, 1642-1727, English mathematician and physicist Jane Austen, 1775-1817, English novelist, author of Pride and Prejudice Kaspar Hauser, c1812-1833, German foundling, portrayed in a film by Werner Herzog Ludwig II, 1845-1886, King of Bavaria Ludwig Wittgenstein, 1889-1951, Viennese/English logician and philosopher Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827, German/Viennese composer Mark Twain, 1835-1910, US humorist Michelangelo, 1475 1564 - Italian Renissance artist Nikola Tesla, 1856-1943, Serbian/American scientist, engineer, inventor of electric motors Oliver Heaviside, 1850-1925, English physicist Richard Strauss, 1864-1949, German composer Seth Engstrom, 1987-Present, Magician and World Champion Thomas Edison, 1847-1931, US inventor Thomas Jefferson, 1743-1826, US politician Vincent Van Gogh, 1853-1890, Dutch painter Virginia Woolf, 1882-1941, English Writer Wasily Kandinsky, 1866-1944, Russian/French painter

Here is a holistic answer. Book: Louise L. Hay - You can Heal your Life. Pg. 201 Problem: Suicide Probable Cause: Seeing Life Only in Black and White. Refusal to see another way out. New Thought Pattern (to meditate and focus on): I live in the totality of possibilities. There is always another way. I am safe.