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I used to have crippling anxiety I still can remember the feeling, I just wanted to escape my life, and meditation gave me that, so I used it for escapism until I experienced the bliss that comes with mindfulness, when it hit me I realized this new realm of possibility, everything changed. But then bipolar hit me and I started drowning in an endless spiral of misery until recently I had my first glimpses of enlightenment, for once in a very long time I felt liberated for my self, it might be a self-deception tho because I was about to commit suicide and I couldn't bullshit myself anymore so my mind had to do a trick it never did before, or maybe it was real bliss idk, either way it worked. Needless to say I still get bipolar depression physical symptoms (including the dark thoughts and dull mind) but for some reason reason it doesn't bother me much anymore, even anxiety doesn't bother that much anymore, don't get me wrong I still have to do so much work to balance my brain chemistry, correct my thoughts, cultivate awareness, etc. But my god it's so much better now. This is unnecessarily long, but I ain't deleting ?

Pluck might have made a mistake Sheela made. He might have idolized Leo so much without doing meditation and then his life got fucked up and he blamed Leo for it. I like Leo because he seems to have empathy towards others. I disagree with some of his ideas though. Just some. For example: Leo prefers Sadhguru over Osho. Honestly, I don't like Sadhguru. He seems to me a harsh man saying HEAVEN OR HELL, YOU CHOOSE. From what I see, Sadhguru wants to people to create a traction in their life, the traction that he considers good, fitting with his eyes. He seems to think one is 100% responsible for his life. . From the way I see, the answer is no. Most people were born poor, not intelligent, not emotionally well-grounded. And it's understandable why they feel depressed. To be honest, I don't want to be born. It sounds negative but it's the truth. However, instead of continuing to take my anger on others, I'm starting to meditate to master my emotions and live blissfully. What I want to say is we should be more empathetic and focused on ourselves at the same time. If we focus too much on who gives us the ideas, we do not take the ideas seriously. If things get too difficult for me, I can just commit suicide like Osho. No need to get angry at anyone. I'm not good at expressing my point of view, hope you guys understand.

@Viking lol ? If you choose to commit suicide, I think silver bullets will do it.

Actually a very strange thing happened to me. I was looking at the moon and I felt sort of "download" of energies from it. I felt a sensation in the belly, it was as though it was growling and I was hungry. I didnt think anything of it, but then about 30 minutes later, I was with my friends, the moon became more red I felt this energy in my hands and back and i started to freak a little, but it passed. at around 10pm when the eclipse was at it's peak I felt a sensation in the back of my head. I concentrated on it and it went to the front of my head. at that point the sensations in the upper back and the hands came back again, but much stronger. the energy continued and continued to increase and I felt a sharp pain in my teeth, they actually became very large, and a lot of hair was coming out of my hands and my back!!! my nails also started to grow bigger and i couldnt help the energy in my throat chakra and just started howling. everyone around me looked at me terrified. then I felt this anger and that hungry feeling again and I couldnt hold myself back and slaughtered and ate all my friends. im now covered in blood, I ran back home just to write about it here in the forum!! and what a synchronicity that you posted a topic about this!! all the hair fell out and I dont know what to do now, im contemplating suicide, help.

Wanting to know Truth is not enough. If you need to know it like it's eating at you from the inside out night and day and even if it kills you you're willing to die to know it,then I'd say you're ready. "willing to die to know it" doesn't mean physical suicide either. That's a cop out reserved only for elite pussbags who can't stand themselves and don't deserve to even sniff the sweet taint of truth.

Hey guys! I have a quite difficult situation which may or may not determine my future and I don't know how to decide. My situation is that I am a 20 year old male student from Hungary whose just gotten admitted to a university as an IT engineer (that pushed me to take action and seek help). I am an only child and been spoiled by my mum, she protected me from a lot of things and partially due to that I have little life experience. The other part is me who gets scared when something radically new emerges and tries to go back to it's comfort zone, to maintain homeostasis. I have two choices. The first one is I stay with my mum, finish the university and continue this trend. The second is I enroll in another university, which is a college in Slovakia (it's not far, about 50 km), on a similar course. I have been invited by a friend (The only person I call a friend. I realized upon watching Leo's video about stage orange that I truly suck at relationships. I've only been contacting people only when they were of any use to me. I've been a loner most of my life) with whom I would go, enroll and live there. I would meet new people, finally socialize and experience a great deal of new things which have been absent in my life until now. I've tried talking about this to my parents, but they were defensive about it. My mum's reason is not to destroy my future, my possible career by following my friend and going to a (possibly) weaker university. My dad just doesn't want to lose me. The situation regarding my parents is a complex one as well. They divorced when I was 2, but my mum allowed my dad to be around me for me to have a 'role model' when I grow up. My dad is still around, but there is a twist to the story. He has epilepsy and tried to commit suicide once. It's one of the strongest forms of epilepsy when he starts shaking, loses consciousness and his muscles in his whole body starts jerking out of his will. He often bits his tongue and gets a couple of bruises. He is a disabled pensioner and thanks to that has difficulties finding a job. He is currently working as a security guard at a place for a company that deals with construction. His bill is low, he is barely able to live on his own. However, thanks to his illness, he can't be left alone else he may even have a fatal accident. If it wasn't for this, he may not be around me anymore. From my point of view he is closed-minded and would not want to lose me, as I am the only reason he can visit us. Both of them got irritated and angry upon I mentioned it and would not want to talk about it. Moving on, I also did a silly thing. I got admitted to the university in Slovakia and paid the fees of enrollment and translation of the required documents without telling my mum that I am going there. Now we are having a vacation in Croatia and I don't want to spoil her vacation by telling her now. I would go there, and I wouldn't at the same time. When I was there in Slovakia, I felt like 'This is it! This is the place where I will change my life for the better!' However soon after I just don't feel the same enthusiasm. I would rather stay here and enroll the university, learn new skills in IT and get a diploma with which I would have more than one choice as to where to start working. It's me again trying to stay in my comfort zone, but is the enthusiasm I used to feel authentic there? There are also a lot of factors to consider when making someone's choice of career. I am not even sure IT is something I would build a career out of. I have had good grades and understood most of the things and I am particularly happy when I finish a small project in 3d modeling in Inventor or a code that works and does something more than displaying text or do basic math. However, I rarely find the motivation to even start something like these. Most of the time I spend endulging in my internet, social meedia and video game addictions, I still spend half of my day at the computer unless I have something else to do. There is a lot to work on myself. I would appreciate any input, and thanks for reading.

The desire for oneness can sometimes look like "sin". When the drive "I need you to love me" doesn't get fulfilled, it may turn into suicide, murder, rape, power, control, and manipulation. People feeling unloved is dangerous.

I’m a 47 year old software developer from Chicago. I’ve been dealing with a high conflict divorce and custody case for the past two years and it’s really taken a huge toll on me. I have two kids, a boy 7 and a girl 9. I thought long and hard about suicide and they’re the only things that stopped me. Now that I’ve decided I can’t leave my children, I have to find a way to fix myself so I can be the best dad possible. I also have a semi annoying cat. The divorce went as horribly as it could possibly go. I spent much of my savings fighting for equal time with my kids, and mostly I lost. The court took her side and gave her majority of time with the kids, full alimony and child support. I see my kids a fair bit - I have about 42% custody, but it was a long expensive battle and I still feel I got screwed. I have a lot of anger at the legal system and I’ve become extremely cynical about relationships and the government. We used to be pretty fairly upper middle class and our lifestyles have taken a big hit during the divorce. I used to own an expensive home and now I rent a small apartment so I can be close to my kids. This is due to the financial strain of the divorce - I basically have to support two households on one salary now. It’s been a huge lifestyle change and I’m still sort of in shock about it. I was always introverted, depressed, and had low self esteem prior to my marriage, but during the 10 years we were married I had something to dedicate myself to and marriage gave me a sense of purpose and identity. Since the divorce I’ve been lost, massively depressed, borderline suicidal, I had anxiety attacks for the first time in my life. My self esteem is lower than its ever been. I feel alone, I don’t have many friends and my family is not supportive. I don’t have anyone to talk to most of the time. My life is very sad. When the kids are with me I can keep it together most of the time, but when I’m alone I’m lost. I can’t stand to be alone with myself. I distract myself with working on my side business - which is not going that well, or I play video games. I used to run marathons and play guitar. I’ve lost interest in these things because they don’t distract me from my pain and they remind me too much of my former life. My main personal goal is to fix myself so I can be better for my kids. I want to live a virtuous life, I don’t want to be so alone but I don’t know how to go about making those types of changes. I don’t want to be so debilitated by despair and sadness that I can barely function or take care of myself. I don’t want afraid of the future. I want my kids to see me as a good example. Other than that, my physical health is very bad. I don’t take care of myself. Right now I’m taking Celexa and Wellbutrin - if it’s helping at all it’s only enough to allow me to function. There’s no family history or mental illness that I know of. I’d like to get back in shape again, I know it can’t be good for my self esteem to be ashamed of how my body looks, I guess I don’t value myself enough to take care of myself physically. I have a masters in computer science. I have a good job as a senior developer at a software startup. It actually pays extremely well but most of my pay goes to my ex wife. I like the company, the work and the people I work with. But I also know that my severe personal problems the past couple of years have not helped me in my career as I’m not advancing and I’m seeing my peers get promoted. I spent the last six months preoccupied by the divorce trial and have been neglecting work. I’d like to get a promotion at work someday if I can get myself together. It’s also a personal goal of mine to grow my side business to where it makes up the money lost in the fig ice and maybe down the line allows me to quit my job and work for myself. My side business is writing mobile apps and financial software in addition to trading crypto currencies.l. In 1 year I’d like to know that I’m well on the way towards a better life. In 5 years I’d like to get promoted. In 10 years I’d like to work for myself full time. I grew up in the Chicago suburbs in the 80s. I have two brothers, I’m the oldest. My parents were immigrant doctors, and they put a lot of pressure on me to succeed academically. I rebelled and fought a lot with my parents growing up. Our family moved a lot and I had to switch schools multiple times. It made it hard for me to make and keep friends. I grew up very sheltered and repressed in a lot of ways. When I became a teenager I went wild and it caused a lot of friction with my parents. There’s a lot of pain there. It’s probably the source of my low self esteem. My parents always made me feel bad that I didn’t want to be a doctor, they compared me to my brothers and at the same time held me to much higher standards. I wish I had more of a happy healthy upbringing. But I grew up to be a damaged person in a lot of ways. I don’t think my ex wife knew how damaged I was when she married to me, and I thought that maybe marriage and fatherhood could fix me somehow. I’d like to talk to someone when I’m struggling to make it through the day. I’m also aware if I’m going to make a change I need someone to remind me to do the work and provide a program I can use to get better. I feel like I have so many problems I don’t know where to start - or it could be as simple as working on one thing like my character or self esteem that will help me make sense of everything else in my life. If I could change anything about myself I’d like to have high self esteem and confidence. When I was a baby my parents left me in the Philippines with my grandparents to go to the states and become doctors. At age 2 I came to join them, but there was a part of me that always felt abandoned by them at an early age. I don’t share this with anyone, but - my low self esteem is due to feeling alienated from the world. I’m alienated from the world because I’m so introverted and wrapped up in myself. I spend a lot of time alone. And this is what I learned as a child as a coping mechanism. I would abandon people first because I was so scared of them abandoning me.

i didn't say "horrific", but alaska is quite isolated and cold and people from switzerland have major issues with depression and suicide.

@Durka_Durka Come on! Suicide is not an option! I know,no matter how shitty you feel and think, it doesnt have to end like this. Why end your life cause of those stupid thoughts? Have a little faith.Something to hold on to even if its totally fake,not existing,a bubble . Cause life is a bubble anyway. So why not? "I look out of this window and I think this is a cosmos, this is a huge creation, this is one small corner of it. The trees and birds and everything else and I'm part of it. I didn't ask to be put here, I've been lucky in finding myself here." Morris West

My thinking is just fucked. Every subconscious thought and action I take seems to drag me toward hell, and directly away from where I want to go and live. I self-sabotage is everything, even easy things. And the only way I can think to be free of all this is suicide. I just don't know what to do and my parents (especially my mum) are so fucking unconscious that they don't know that they've fucked me and my sister. But my sister is equally a cu** as well. I just don't kno what to do. Basic self-help stuff is so fucking hard for me, especially because I'm still in my family's house. Basic self-help stuff that everyone seems to be able to do and it helps them, I can't even do. Because my fucking programming won't even allow it to work. I feel so helpless and I can't deal with the world. Suicide seems like the only way to be free

@Revolutionary Think Yes. Accept and love them for who they are. Dismiss their ways of thinking without being obnoxious yourself ( even in your own mind, keep it healthy ) Create more space and time between your interactions. Be the one in control with the power of suggestion Stay true to yourself I wrote a long article but cannot post it, sorry. I wish I could share my life that much, I really do, but in my case I had to be a warrior in a 3rd world post communist country while being a hippy with purposeful implementation. I've been manipulated, experienced betrayal and even had to accept the fact that a family member committed suicide. I wrote that small list because I gradually developed them in order to survive while not severing the love bonds between us. One more thing : "With great power, comes great responsability" [Uncle Owen from "Spiderman"]. Most of the time accepting the limits of others while still loving them, can solve more problems than you can think. Take control of the moment, wisely. Want a job ? https://www.freelancer.com/ http://upwork.com/ https://www.fiverr.com/ // Hope this helps // I am currently working on financial independence and found these platforms very useful for starters, at least for gathering resources ( money ) // I posted these ideas since I saw you said that you do not like complicated math (didn't mean to offensive), so content writing, web development or even programming could be a great start. Peace

@Mikael89 I may have been unclear. I'm not saying consciousness can be annihilated. I'm not even saying phenomena can be annihilated, just that to the enlightened it wouldn't make any difference if it was. If you're so indifferent to the world that you couldn't care less whether all phenomena disappears tomorrow or continues, what difference does it make whether it does or it doesn't? So it is annihilation. Re reincarnation, my mind has long been open to that concept (it makes sense), but I don't believe dogmas without evidence and certainly wouldn't bet the governing strategy of my entire life on it. In any case, it's beside the point, we're not considering actually committing suicide, we're using it as a thought experiment. Think of a time when you didn't know about enlightenment or believe in reincarnation. Someone says 'Life sucks. Why don't you kill yourself? Then you'll know what happens when you die'. Would you have done it? It's the same question. Re 'life is bullshit', perhaps this summarises our differences and reinforces my point about the reasons anyone would want to be enlightened. I don't think life's bullshit. .................................................................................................................................................................................................... I won't have internet access for a few days now so I'm going to wrap up my part in this discussion. I know I've been provocative, and I'm sorry if I've ruffled anyone's feathers, but I stand by my tiny effort to balance a discourse that too easily leads to unrealistic expectations and a careless 'of course enlightenment' perspective. Views some have expressed here such as 'there are no cons to enlightenment' reinforce my theory that many seekers don't know what they're asking for, and are expecting a big pay off that isn't going to happen. 'There are no pros or cons to anything' might make more sense, but could you say it and mean it? I used to think enlightenment was a no-brainer, too, but you know what - there is absolutely no obvious answer to whether it's a worthwhile pursuit. From the perspective of the human being, of course it isn't. From the perspective of God, nothing's worthwhile, who cares? For my part I will be probably be contemplating this for a while before deciding whether I return to seeking or not. Special thanks to @Solace @Emerald @Victor Mgazi for the food-for-thought.

@Stretch I think you missed my point. Awakening is not about ending the dream ,you can't end something that has no beginning. It's simply about being aware of the dream, the same way you would be aware in an actual dream that you are dreaming so even if you get shot(or be held at gun point) in the dream that wouldn't matter to you. Awakening is not suicide or death, it's the realization that there is no one to commit suicide or die. Similar to the way that there's no one to get shot in the dream. Everyone (including you) in that dream are happening in your head and even in this reality. You are simply part of the dream and once you awaken you will still be part of the dream because you only exist in this dream. Even the concept of a truth is part of the dream, everything you know is part of the dream! So yeah you can choose to be conscious of that or not. Maybe you like all the pleasure and pain in this dream so do what you will. It's very simple.

@Outer Once again, this argument took it as a given from the start that believing in a seperate self is a delusion and truth can be found in stillness. Doesn't answer the question. 'No thoughts is the goal' only applies if you're already assuming enlightenment is a desirable thing. Frankly, some of you here sound brainwashed. @Victor Mgazi So we're back to the 'truth for truth's sake' line. All you get from enlightenment is to end the dream of life. So really it doesn't make any sense if you're not sick of living. It's the 'life sucks, just kill yourself' argument. If enlightenment wasn't dressed up with fantastical, misleading appeals to the ego (mystical states you also have to ultimately renounce, the ridiculously nonsensical prospect of being some blissed out 'enlightened being', etc), I wonder if any mentally stable person would give it any more consideration than a suggestion of suicide? Unless, (I'm addressing everyone now), knowing the truth just for the sake of it matters more to you than everything else in the universe combined, and you'll gladly do that trade. Think you fit that category? Ask yourself why you're still doing anything at all.

@Mikael89 Sure, my mind is rebelling totally. That could be said of anyone who ever changed their mind. Only if you already assume that enlightenment is a desirable thing does that become a concern. And lol, yeah if I ask a teacher of enlightenment they're sure to promote enlightenment. If I ask a teacher of terrorist suicide bombing they're sure to promote suicide bombing. Doesn't make it a good idea. @Bobby Go on then, what have I missed? @cirkussmile Yes, enlightenment is the end of suffering, and is natural of course, as it's truth. We're going round in circles here, that was established at the beginning.

I’m having some problems to determine where on the spiral could I be and therefor I don’t know where the hell to begin working on. From one hand I’m still trapped en a very blue sense of guilt because of a lot of thing I’ve done in the past, but in a lot of things I’ve also trascended blues guilt. I think I’m mostly in orange, but in a kind of inward orange or a low stage orange because I’ve being very depressed for around three years ive had an intempted suicide a couple months ago, I am very disinterested in accomplishing anything with small lapses of entrepreneurism. Because I don’t have any money I started to attend to AA meetings (Ive never had problems with any substances or so, but I’ve found a place to empty my self of those thoughts) but even in AA I see a lot of delusion as Leo has explained. There is something inside of me that knows that what Leo is teaching is the way, but at the same time I know I have so many things to work on my self first. It’s strange! It’s like I understand everything that Leo is saying (I know that “believing” doesn’t matter at all) but my reality is so basic, and every time I plan to work on stage Orange to fully embody my stage, Thoughts of “Why even try if it’s delusion?” Comes to my head. You can see in my writing that it’s so confusing, but that’s how I feel right now. I really really hope you can help me and that I’m ready for the help.

@Primentex thoughts of suicide are just a distraction. Suffering comes in many forms, small and large, simple and complicated. But all mental suffering occurs because you want to force 'reality' to your will. And when 'reality' doesn't do what you want it to, you suffer. All distraction is just suffering in disguise; you distract yourself because you do not like reality and you do not like reality because it's not happening the way you want it to. Step away from the suicide. Step away from the distraction. Embrace reality as it is.

I tell myself regularly to not be cheap. 2_ ways to not be cheap Focus on health first Don't stop trying Give value to yourself the way you are. Do not care about societal expectations of yourself. Embrace your uniqueness Express yourself fully and be honest and upfront and not pretentious Be detached and indifferent from the world. Be a goal setter but don't be too ambitious. Give value to your time Stop giving value to objects. Take care of your self Remember that you are better than you what you think you are Remember that you are important Do not spend your time in frivolous stuff Stay away from anything that is even slightly toxic Cut off people who are annoying, painful or harass or difficult. Be very open and assertive Be matured in your choices Develop healthy habits If you constantly feel like you are not good enough or you wish you could have been this or that or you had something you wish, it's natural to feel that way, but remember that you are not the only one and remember that life is not meant to be living with pity and regrets but with hope and faith towards a better future. Be appreciative of whatever you already have and embrace and accept it and nurture it. Make good out of whatever you got instead of feeling sorry for what you don't. Remember that there's just nothing about something that doesn't exist or lost, but salvage that which you can. Regretting your life is like crying over spoiled milk, the milk is not gonna come back, so what's the point of crying and regretting and feeling deprived or unlucky for not having what others got. It has no benefit other than a momentary feeling of upset and disappointment and sadness. It's like adding insult to injury. Find peace. Constantly reminding yourself of what you can't have is a recipe for adding unhappiness to an already frustrated unhappy mind. One thing is - you never know if others have it better. What if they don't. What If they are tired of their shit and want out. ..you might think they have it better but maybe think don't think same. Often times we hear a celeb commiting suicide and we think it's absurd but it's actually not. You never know what they had to deal with. Therefore don't be quick to judge or don't think everyone has it perfect. In fact most don't. It's just that most people don't tell how they suffer cause they are shy or embarrassed to open up about their struggle...... ..... So if you think you aren't good enough, don't beat yourself, you weren't expected to be, you are already good as you are and frankly if you are constantly thinking that then you are obviously taking life too seriously. Fuck that shit. How does it matter if life turned out bad or good. Competition only exists because you create it. Your create your own thoughts of misery and despair. Yes life can be complicated and painful but we can control how we react, we can definitely choose not to react at all. So it doesn't even matter if things didn't work out. If you did your best, you should be at peace. Remember that nothing in this universe is perfect or free from chaos. Even if anything is perfect its mostly rare. And everything that is perfect doesn't stay perfect forever. That's how time causes everything to finally degrade and disappear. So enjoy it in the hear and now. Beauty lies in experiencing beautiful moments every now and then because these moments once gone are not gonna come back ...... .... Appreciate who you are because you are the product of your circumstances and you are not to be blamed and you are not at fault. You can only do as much good as you can and that's the testimony of how much good you are. Your trials are a witness of your strength and your determination to make it good. Don't be let down by them. Life may not be worth living because there's not much to enjoy but it's definitely worth struggling and fighting for. Don't let it slip by just cuz it doesn't get better. Your effort to better your life will bear fruit one day even though now it looks like an unfulfilled dream.

@Primentex The nature of the universe is to evolve. Suicide thwarts that nature.

@Primentex There was a time when I thought the secret to life was suicide. I'm not sure why, but everything around me was pointing to it. I wasn't depressed or anything. It just seemed to come to me like an insight or something. Suicide seemed to make sense on so many levels. At the time I had been really diving into teachings of enlightenment and was expanding my mind at a really fast rate. Back then there was no internet, no forums, no one to discuss my experience with that understood. So it was a very lonely journey. Instead of ending my search for understanding and allowing suicide to be the answer, I kept going deeper. Until I found myself in a place of a gratitude and wonder. Reflecting back on it, I think I was misunderstanding most of what I was reading and experiencing. I was taking everything too literal. I think suicide is a very self centered trap on the road of self development. I think it's healthy to contemplate death and to practice accepting death. Life is a paradox. So considering life to be an illusion or dream, doesn't make it any less real. I don't know if you play video games but you can think of it this way... you know the game isn't real but it's fun to play! If you kill your video game character, he really dies in the game. But the point of the game being created is to play it through until it's end not to just kill your character and stop playing. You're here now in this beautiful/ugly illusion, why not use the opportunity to explore and play!

Spot on. I have too experienced something like that on LSD. I "realized" that I cant escape myself or the world, so if I commit suicide I will be just where I was before and I will live forever in a limbo. So it was nonsense, but it felt very very real. What got me out of it, was to firstly become aware that it is happening, then become present and ask myself: "what is true? what is true beyond my thoughts?". Then I realized my panic was rooted in a thought, and a thought is not the ultimate reality. So the panic stopped right there. Then I laughed. You talk about "meaninglessness sucking you in". One reason for that could be that you resisted your experience with your mind. Your mind is a meaning and connection making machine. When it suddenly can't find any, it panics and clings to what ever it can get a hold of. Sometimes that meaning is pure delusion (say, a psychotic episode) but the mind does not care, it's a survival mechanism for it so it could not care less if the meaning it comes up with is true at all. You started to distract yourself, that was a mistake. You tried to deny it was happening, but that denial was a superficial layer on top of your true experience. It was a attempt to take back control of the situation. But really, you have no control over anything, so you used all your (non-existant) "tools" available. You simply jumped to an experience that you maybe was not ready yet. How to know when you are ready for some psychedelic experience? When you are facing it. How to recover? Ground yourself in what you know is true. Ground yourself in things you enjoy. Not what you believe is maybe true. You don't know anything about death, and thats okay. Take your time to just live your regular life. Right now, the experience is over, but the memory of it still haunts you. Have you read Echard Tolles "Power of now?" If you haven't, read it. If you have, read it again. Happiness and joyful living is available for you right now, every second. Only reason you feel scarred is that you are not in the now, you hold on to a memory. Of course letting go of that memory is not as simple as "dropping it", as it will find it's way to your consciousness. So what you are facing here is a process of becoming present each time you notice you are somehow re-living the experience. Also, don't take drugs for now, that's obvious I think. If you can't get past your trauma say, in a few months, consider therapy and/or a healer. Im clueless about healing myself, but I have read it's very helpful for many. Also one thing what you can try if nothing else works, try taking something around 80mg of MDMA. It is a powerful way to work with trauma, and lots of research is being made on it's effects to cure PTSD. If you decide to go that route, your standard drug safety guides apply. Get a milligram scale. Good luck! Come on...

Just look around you. Is there anything that you see that is not calm and quiet? Have you see the trees wondering about comitting suicide? Or a chair? Or a rock? If you are observant there’s only one thing that is not satisfied with what is and that is the voice in the head having these kind of conversations with itself. Are the entire universe wrong or is it something you haven’t figured out yet? If that voice is not there you will see that everything around you is perfectly fine with being what it is.

@fireworld Let me rewrite what you wrote from stage Blue's POV thinking about your stage (Orange). Orange Stupidity: The idea behind Spiral Dynamics is that you go through the stages and incorporate the previous stages into the higher ones to some extent. Given this shouldn't stage Orange have a decent amount of understanding of how religion and morality works? I understand that there are limits to religion and that it can be done in an unhealthy way, but from my perspective every person that i have met that is in stage Orange is extremely selfish and disconnected from "moral living". Take the human body as an example of a system, we know that this system called a human body operates in certain ways that keeps it healthy and strong. Proper food, sleep, prayer, fasting, chastity, and so on. But the stage Oranges seem to be extremely against any "set" rules for keeping your materialistic cravings in check. They will take something like casual sex or greasy fast food or alcohol and call it healthy even though we know it isn't healthy at all and is most likely going to be the thing that kills you. The same is true about business, or relationships or anything that we have a deep understanding of. Our religious leaders have long ago pointed out the evils of having a materialistic worldview. Materialism leads to a rejection of God, a mindless belief in technological progress and science, and is responsible for greed, corporate exploitation, objectification of women, sex addiction, drug addiction, food addiction, pornography, crude humor, violent video games, nuclear weapons, depression, suicide, loss of direction, broken marriages, single mothers, STDs, abortions, and much more. Isn't Orange corrupting the very fabric of decent society, turning it into the devil's playground? How can Orange be so stupid as to expect happiness from money, fine clothing, technological gadgetry, TV, video games, Facebook, sex before marriage, pornography, drugs, and rock n roll? Isn't Orange the embodiment of depravity and godlessness? Isn't this the greatest limiting factor to stage Orange? Is that they are completely ignoring how spiritual reality actually works and that's the reason they end up in so much trouble and pain?

I always find it silly that people automatically assume that if someone wants to suicide , it's surely because he doesn't know people love him. like : "oh why do you want to kill yourself ? your mom loves you , your father loves you , everybody loves you ". why do you assume that any suicide related question is about love somewhere ... lack of love , or lack of awareness about the love he receives ? Maybe someone just want to end his life , because he doesn't see any meaning in it ... maybe he got the feeling that life being an illusion , it has to be a joke, a bad joke filled with non sense.