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I've taken dilaudid twice. Dilaudid is the strongest opiod and similar to heroine. Ime, dilaudid was a mystical experience of bliss (even in a hospital setting). Yet it is extremely addictive.

@Harikrishnan No of course not, because that isn't everyday reality lol. This is kinda the issue with psyches you can get caught up in states and bliss instead of realizing this is it, this very moment is it.

@Alex bliss No need to give up your desires. They will fall away by themselves once you realized what you are.

@Alex bliss Your flooding the forum with mental masturbation and inviting others to join you.

@Alex bliss Do at least a bit of work in your threads. Express your distinctions, a “here’s where I’m at with this”, in hopes they may be uncovered & unified. Otherwise, you prime yourself to add more, to believe the distinctions of others, to unfortunately, increase your suffering.

14-Day Dark Room Retreat On the first night, I entered around 7 pm and after getting comfortable with the space blew out the candle. Darkness. I will struggle to talk about how long I did anything for as I lost a clear sense of duration or time passing. I managed to maintain a day/night cycle though. My primary practice was contemplation, after a while of focused contemplation (and particularly in the second week) I found the contemplation fading away into meditation. The not-knowing became natural and blissful. I could sit effortlessly in love or fulfilment for hours. Generally, after a period of bliss, love, or samadhi I would experience mini ego-backlashes of fantasising and boredom. I found myself accepting this after a while. Expansion... and now I'm a person again. My fantasies got strange. I started dreaming of work, success, and business. Thinking about the intricacies of burgers. Childhood memories of certain places and foods. Food was a big one this time around. I would often realise I'm doing this and it's all occurring in my mind. It's imagination, not real, it's not actually here and I'm the one doing it. On day one I got hit with all of my hallucinations. I slept a little during day one, after that it became hard to sleep so I just had to keep contemplating through the night since there was nothing else I could do and if I lied down I would be more likely to fall into fantasising. I had hallucinations of a friend sitting on my bed, I could see him clearly. I hallucinated leaving the room, going outside and speaking with people. I realised this was a dream and started speaking with people conscious of this. I started being able to see the room as clear as day, without light. I was hallucinating this. I experiencing the room turning into an orchestral symphony, and realised I was composing an entire song unconsciously with my mind. Lyrics and all, like I was listening to it through stereo headphones. I did not do this for the hallucinations, I had come for the Truth. From day two onwards, there were no more of these. The first 5 or 6 days weren't too tough if I recall correctly. Days 6 - 8 were the hardest, knowing I had another week to go. On day 8, I got a nice hit of effortless sitting, bliss, love. This was a confirmation of trust and surrender for me. I could feel presence giving me the consciousness, almost whispering to me: I'm always here, just trust, you really think I would ever do anything but love you. The second week my contemplation got more fluid. I started contemplating: What is invention What is mind What is innovation What is technology What is love What is eternity What is reality What am I What is life What is self What is another What is death I'm experimenting with my contemplation style. I had just worked on a single question for 2 weeks in a Contemplation Intensive. This time I would switch a lot more. I also found that I was by far the most conscious in the early afternoons through evenings. And felt the least conscious shortly after waking up. I also made some new distinctions in my experience based on Ralston's consciousness work. I didn't lose myself in Nothing/Love/Truth. I expanded my sense of self, purged some resistance. I didn't have what I consider a full non-dual awakening. But I can be lightly conscious of God, perhaps somewhere between catching and taming the ox (or maybe not, just my intepretation). When I departed I didn't know what to expect. I felt pretty normal in the darkroom, sober and not all that conscious at that moment an hour or so after waking up. I opened the door at sunrise. I took a few steps and then had to sit down because I was so conscious, so high, I couldn't stand. I couldn't walk more than a few steps without losing my balance. Reality was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, colours, form, sound. Life. I could feel myself in the plants, I marvelled at my hands, how amazing it all is. It was divine, I had no idea I was this high in there. It was stronger than any acid trip I'd ever done, barring a 600ug trip. It was akin to a light 5-MeO microdose. And, it can't be compared. There is an unfathomable beauty in being that conscious and being completely sober. It feels so right, that reality is actually this good, actually, not with anything else needing to be there. I have some signs when I'm going deeper, guidances. The presence of a dog, or what I can only describe as guiding Sam-energy. Within seconds of stepping out, a beautiful dog came and sat with me. There was a love between us, he licked me, I stroked him. I did a meditation that morning, and then stood in the sun. The sun was a warm loving bliss. I'd never appreciated the sun this much in my life. I've come down a bit since then. I can still see God in the trees if I focus. My baseline has been significantly upped. I was offered a little weed a few days after getting out. I had a very small amount and it was perhaps the most insightful and blissful yet intense experiences with weed. I feel so much more purified now as well, I can sit with people in a deep not-knowing without much fear, letting myself be authentic without much fear. I will keep becoming more God, truly appreciate life and reality more fully, what I am. Live in not-knowing and no-mind. I am able to be more comfortable operating in no-mind now, there is less fear in me and more trust. It didn't solve everything. I'm still worried about survival concerns, what to make my career out of, to pursue business or spirituality. I struggle with this one a lot. I still get sadness and existential emptiness at times. The journey has only just begun. Peter Ralston Fall Series I did the entire fall series workshop, ending in a 2-week long contemplation intensive. This is (I believe), the only time that a 2 weeker has been offered at the Cheng Hsin centre. It was perfect, I would have struggled much more with the darkroom had I not just done this. The consciousness work itself was great, Brendan Lea was our primary facilitator. I had concerns about the work not being led by Ralton, but they were completely unfounded. Brendan was great to work with, and it was work. It wasn't easy, long days and deep work. I didn't grasp a lot, of course. The seeds were planted and my ability to do consciousness work effectively has increased. My only suggestion to those intending to do it, expect to also NEED to get the audio courses and eCourses afterwards. There is too much and it goes fast, you won't get it all and will need to do the work ongoing. This consciousness work is pretty advanced, so I wouldn't go to the centre without some prior consciousness. Just a little bit should be fine, who knows, go and see for yourself I guess. I wasn't a big fan of the Enlightenment Intensive format. I feel I can go deeper by myself, without a partner. The partner is there to help focus and not get so lost in fantasy. I definitely get lost in daydreaming or losing the question when I'm alone, it's more fluid. If reality starts to feel beautiful, I go into the beauty for a bit. The CI was not like this. There is an appreciation for life that I have when getting out of these intensives. It is so beautiful, so entertaining. It's hard to imagine a better place to spend my time, I'm so happy to have this life to deepen consciousness. Learn and grow. Please ask me about the experience, I would love to answer any questions or help clarify my experience with Ralston, Brendan and the Cheng Hsin centre or the darkroom. ❤️Thank you, much love, and I wish all of you courage and determination on your own journeys. It's worth it. ❤️

@erik8lrl Absolute Love --- isness itself Need more awakenings around here to Absolute Love. When you actually become it (you already are of course but in it's purest form) you're body will shake and tremble with uncontrollable bliss and Love as the essence of your Being fills you completely to where you implode with Divine Love :❤

In my experience, seriousness arises from incomplete knowledge. Why did I underline "incomplete"? Because to have all the knowledge (you are fully aware) means to be enlightened. And to have almost zero knowledge means to be completely ignorant. "Ignorance is bliss.", they say. It's the journey from knowing to not-knowing (even in reverse if you will) where all the seriousness arises. There is no enlightenment really, because reality is infinite and always changing, so we aren't capable of knowing/learning/being aware of everything. However, the more knowledge one acquires, the closer they are to enlightenment. The only difference between enlightenment and ignorance is that ignorance stems from spiritual bypassing, i.e. something like: "problems only exist when you think of them", "there is nothing but direct experience", "your car doesn't exist unless you look at it", etc... While enlightenment stems from observing reality, through mediation, and through those 'spiritual bypassing' lenses as well as through anything else. However, there's nothing wrong with being serious. I think that it's a requirement for a healthy growth. I like to think of it as a spectrum of seriousness vs. non-seriousness. One should not attach themselves to one side of the spectrum. Just my mind monkeying around.

Sorry in advance for any grammar mistakes, English isn't my native language Okay so... It's been about an hour+ since I took 25mg DPT(plugged) I'm feeling really happy I must say. Generally it reminded me a lot of 5meo which I tried yesterday for the first time. But I felt it more gentle that 5meo(same dosage) Maybe because I knew what to expect kind of... Only thoughts in my mind right now are that I love my life sooooo much. Like soooo much. And old school trance music. Probably not exactly what I should be doing right now. But this music calmed be down so much, I feel literally in a state of bliss. Music with headphones on psychedelics is really something...and this uplifting music, I'm feeling so alive, such a weird dejavu feeling. It's also really nice that I can type with no problem right now. Random facts about yesterdays 5MeoDMT experience: I was having the most random thoughts possible, non stop until I got a feeling that I was losing my body and then I just fell asleep and woke up about 10 hours later, one of the deepest sleeps I had. In the beginning all I was thinking was "this is nuuuts" haha I can definitely see how "death" can happen on higher dosages. Random thoughts also are that I just wish I had company for all this experiences, It's hard to find like minded people my age(I'm turning 22 12th January) that are interested in spirituality awareness psychedelics etc... Much love to everyone <3 Listened on repeat for almost an hour https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EM2dsZf1oKg

@Surfingthewave I think i'm expecting a certain level of bliss and happiness from my meditation. So when i sit and down and meditate, I can recognize that i'm not there so i guess that disturbs me. There is also just a physical sensation or feeling that my mind uses as evidence of my non-enlightenment/ non-happening.

What comes to mind for me is “Being Now” I often notice my mind a try to manipulate an environment to achieve a result. I may manipulate a “meditation environment” to achieve some state - no-self, attention, peace, insights, bliss, relaxation. This has it’s benefits, yet also it’s downside because this orients meditation. Orientation isn’t necessarily bad. If I want to travel to Mexico, I better orient myself south. Yet with orientation comes a price. . . Some of my best meditations are spontaneous. Just me sitting on my couch staring at the window and just Being Now. No bells or whistles. Just Now-ness.

@Average Investor At your end, it will lead to emotions, and some outpouring & healing... as a starting place here..this is what stands out to me. (Also, not to feed into the story but...you might wanna get a good night’s sleep before reading this.) The separate self only exists in thought. It is perpetuated and kept “alive”, only in the nuances of our thinking. In thought alone, there is an idea of me, which is believed to be me, and feeling will never align with this belief as the idea of me, is of the past, and feeling is only now, and is of the true self. It’s important to make the distinction between when one is unconscious, and conscious. Not unconscious as in sleeping, or passed out. We can walk, talk, live, and even somewhat thrive - completely unconscious. Again, it’ll “open some wounds”, but that is the beginning of the deeper healing desired. When we feel a way we would not choose to feel, we are unconscious. No one would consciously choose to feel ‘not good’, so when one does, one can deduce one is actually unconscious. When the suppressed feelings come up, either they are allowed to arise and pass through, or thinking is utilized to construct a thought story of the emotion. The thought story will have “the separate self” in it (thoughts of you), and will transpire in the past or future. There will always be another person in the thought story. Here is the critical difference. You’ve got to catch the mind assigning the feeling, in anyway whatsoever, to the past, future, and or other person. In this way we can remain present, and then the emotion empties out freely. That can be rough, but there is soon a very deep, yet very subtle sense of peace present. From then on the purification is easier in terms of feeling / relief / release (though it still looks rough as heel to any onlookers). Who do you believe has depersonalization disorder? You must believe you are an individual, a human, the one who has a “disorder”, etc. Maybe they are one and the same. The “disorder”, and the “separate self” are never actually seen or found, but kept going via the patterns of thinking dancing around this fact. If you look for, or try to go to the “disorder”, or “the separate self” - it can feel scary - but it results in relief, because neither can ever be found. But one must look, with the genuine desire & intent to find. This is “facing the fear”, resulting in the visceral realizing there is none. Have you practiced writing, journaling, and scrutinizing your writing, marking the nouns / pronouns, etc? When it’s in front of the eyes, the mind can ”identify“ the separate self as only in the words, and the realization then happens. There is an epiphany that sounds sort of like “holy cow..I’ve literally been speaking & writing about a second self, as if I was not the one speaking & writing”. This is the ‘getting down to it’, meeting the mind at it’s incredible sneakiness. Notice, there is an assumption that there is a difference. This is in and of itself a protective barrier. Because there is no separate self, there is no disorder - therefore, there also is no difference that could ever be found. The level of scrutiny required is highly detail oriented. The word “it” is being used as a write off - notice there is not an “it” at all, but notice how this slips right by us in our speaking / writing, and this reveals the slipping by in our thinking. “My ego” is a write off. There’s no such thing as an ego. Supporting that there is, in thought, speaking, writing...is how this situation is perpetuated and kept going. It’s that sneaky. That single action, or rather, unchecked action, of thought - is this.. “The Devil”. It’s been sneakin people for thousands of years, the majority of the population is deeply under “it’s” spell. But the separate self, the write off, the devil, the disorder, and the idea of me - do not exist as entities, or even as any thing anywhere in the world, but in your thoughts. I would wake up every morning and outright admit, “I am the sneakiest entity which has ever, ever, existed”, and then meditate. It is common for a couple weeks of meditation to be pleasant and relaxing. One is stating in an unspoken manor - “I am done with this suffering, I am done being a separate self, I’m slowing down and doing something about this”. And adopts the practice of meditation. The body response in kind, “Well fuck ya man, let’s do this thing. Here comes all the shit you innocently shoved down up in this place, it’s coming out and we’re healing, let’s rock this.”......and thought says “yeah right, I don’t think so. We’ll make this about someone else, somewhere else, and or some other time...and we’ll label the feeling of the whole charade....”bad”. And that’s the end of that. Instead, to expedite this, try daily practices like yoga, and anything oriented towards ‘moving awareness’ through out the body. This results in a ‘safe’ inner body reassurance, and a reconnecting with now, feeling - presence. The theme is sneakery. States of consciousness - “ I “ - was “ in “. I understand the semantics, and again I don’t mean any personal offense. Consciousness is absolute fundamental. There can never be a “you” which is “in” a state of consciousness. This is the thinking which perpetuates the belief that there is a separate self. It happens ‘right under our noses’, in thinking. Also, the reference is a comparison to what would ‘normally occur with depersonalization’ which does not exist whatsoever. There is not a “you” which was a person, and is “becoming” not a person. There is no separate self which is “depersonalizing”. That is entirely, only, a thought story. The separate self (thought) supports the disorder (another thought). Claiming (just a thought) the disorder (just a thought) perpetuates the separate self (just a thought) who has “it” (just a thought). It is not uncommon for experiences to ‘get one half way there’, and critical scrutiny to ‘bring us home’. An obstacle comes to mind -“but everyone, Nahm, Leo - everyone - talks in this same way - “me”, “I”, “you”, etc.” It has to be acknowledge & realized, that difference between relative linguistic communication, and the clarity of the actuality within, by one. A good feeling is a good feeling, and I’m not at all knocking that. However, this also jumps out at me. There is a thought pattern at play, which supports the separate self, in the perspective it is good to separate from the body. I would suggest seeking in the opposite direction, detaching from the believing of thoughts, and going into the feeling in the body. “Anxious” is a write off. It’s a very popular one, but it is a write off. In removing the write off, the label or term - one is then forced to see what the feeling actually is. The true I has is never “anxious”. The true I is the unconditional love, which is being suppressed, by choosing the thinking instead of the feeling of the message. It is slippery sneaky, but these are the nuances in thought to uncover, to root out the separate self. “I am _________” is the most profound life experience shaping thought / words that could ever be uttered. The true self is not identifiable, only know to itself. I would pause indefinitely before finishing that statement, and allow it to be lost into silence, the true I am. Being, is a reference which gets confused. The “experience” of being, is not like “unbelievably relaxed”, nor “profound peacefulness”. Being, is literally an infinite being knowing only, itself. When the chair is you as much as “you” are “you”, being is known, and only Being is known, there is no chair anymore, there is literally no self anymore. No notions of a self, no inclination, no belief there is a self, nor any beliefs that there ever was a self. One can not be experience, as this is sneakery at play, supporting & perpetuating that there is this “separate one” who could be something (experience). Not to mention, the self referential thought, “I think”. (Pointing out nuances in the name of helpfulness here ??) There is not an I which possesses an ego. Again, there’s no such thing as separation, a separate being / entity, or an ego. “Matter” arises appearing as “objects” of infinite being, pure potentiality, and never isn’t infinite being. In truth, “objects” never even “appear” as separate objects. A thought that a thing is separate arises, and is believed...and be indirect default, there is the belief I am also a separate object - separate from the “object” I am believing is separate. The “objects” body, perception, thought, and sensation, all arise simultaneously with what gets referred to as, “objects”. There is no separation in any of this. Thought is known, a separate “object” - thought - is never known. Perception is known. A separate “object” “perceived” is never known. Sensation is known. A separate “object” “sensed”, is never known. In science terms...if there seems to be a “hard problem of science”, a difficulty in finding the answer of how the quantum world meets the atomic world, the answer is there is no you. “You” are the “reason” there seems to be (but isn’t) a “hard problem of science”. It is because the entirety, every “thing” that could be named in direct experience, arises simultaneously - combined with the belief “I am a separate self”, that there seems to be this problem. One of, perhaps the greatest tool of sneakery, is time. Time does not exist. There is not actually “7 years of depersonalization”. What there actually is, is a belief right now, in seven years of depersonalization. This is how the separate self, the ego, and the “disorder” “stays alive”, how it is perpetuated. It is no more than a story being retold, reinforced, re-believed, again and again, right under our noses. Really take a minute and contemplate - there is no past. Nothing “happened”. There is no future “coming”. These are just thoughts. Feel the truth in this. Feel the liberation in this. You are not bound by a damn thing. Nothing. It will never feel good to believe you are, to think you are, to write that you are, to hear that you are, or to speak that you are. This is the deeper meaning, the true wisdom of these very symbols...???. To sin, is to speak ill against The Self. You are That True Self. To repeat ill against The Self, is to believe one is ill, and to sustain that belief. Likewise, this symbol...♥️...is profound and wise. What arises to the top, is duality, twoness - all thinking is such. What this symbol points to, downward, is where this love comes from, but as the symbol reflects, it can only be pointed to, never symbolized. The om symbol (not emoji available ironically) points to the fact, that what the heart points to, can not be named or spoken. Symbols are important to grasp, as they undercut words, and reveal that all words are too, symbols. Not feeling fucking awesome is not something to be considered normal or managed.It is not something to ‘get used to’. It is something to be inspected and released. Right now is all there is. Look around, smell, feel, breath, hear. That’s it man. That’s “everything”. That’s infinity. That is it. Notice how sneaky thinking is, so easily slipping into a “past” and using it to justify it’s own leaving of the now. This is the sneakery which perpetuates the story of the separate self, the “one” who is “moving through time”. You are the infinity, the entirety - you are not the body, or the person, in the story of time. You are the time. That’s a good sign, and I would hone in on it. Why doesn’t it feel good typing that story? I suggest it’s because none of it is true...because you are the Truth. Enlightenment is much more pleasant, but why is that? Probe deeper. Enlightenment = the actuality of unconditional love, infinite being - the true you. When we are threatened, abused, etc, we block the feelings, to protect our true self, the inner being. This was never needed, but of course nobody could be expected at present, to know or understand this, especially given an environment of people who are very far from wisdom. There is a yin to all yangs though, and it is you, rising like an ignorance crushing Pheonix out of all this, and paying it forward so other to come will benefit from the wars you survived. This is your Shaktipat, your opportunity to know and live the greatest love, the selfless giving of your love. The more you give, the more you embody. Everybody “wins”. This is the supreme existence incarnate. This is where you’re headed, the greatest height of life, what you have been through, and that you come out of it a renewed and yet untouched pristine love, will speak volumes in presence. Notice the relationship between inspecting the nuances of the thoughts in words, and never actually needing any to convey what is real. Thought searches to no end, never finding feeling. Feeling, reconnection, extinguishes the “apparent needs” of thought, and it ceases. Focus, concentration, attention, sky rocket naturally, like a cork released from being held underwater. Also, this is a very contemporary perspective. Enlightenment is not sought, attained, and correcting of feeling. Thought is properly inspected, emotion is cathartically releases - and the end “result”, is enlightenment. When it does “occur”, it will take at least a year to even connect the dots, that this was that thing you referenced. It is that profound. So don’t imagine it. Stay true to yourself, to feeling great, to inspecting and releasing. This, even more so. Infinity is unmistakable, earth, life, space, time, shattering. Unspeakable, ineffable. Blow that up! Expand it. Go try some new to you healing modalities. Make dream board, and dream the impossible life - and actually live it. Someone does not notice you have a disorder, because you do not have a disorder. There is nothing wrong with you, sans the belief itself, that something is “wrong” with you. The “prolonged feeling of detachment” is only from feelings. It is through feeling, sensation, love - that all is connected - that all is One. You are The One. “Ego & identity” are not present. Thought to that tune are still being believed, so it seems so. It is like holding a filter at the end of a flashlight, it skews all that is seen on the wall. Thoughts, are “on the wall”. Don’t believe what is thought or seen, inspect the flashlight. Notice the sneakery at play. Again, it seems semantically, but their is no such thing as “my awareness’. This is like a cell phone claiming “my wifi”. The wifi is the wifi. You are awareness. Scrutiny your direct experience, and notice you can never find this “sense” “awareness”. It brings to mind the example of that there is no nonexistance, nor is there such a thing or state as nonawareness. If you imagine someone claiming that there is, you could ask them - what was then present, to make such a claim. Surely, only in being aware of “nonexistence” or “nonawareness” could someone make such a claim. But in making the claim, they reveal they were aware, they existed. Inspect that to complete satisfaction - and there is enlightenment. Hold it in a future thought story, and such a “future”, of course, never “comes”. This is where it all heads to...ultimately the beliefs and perpetuation in them sustains the veiling, the living in thought as “a separate self”, which one day dies. But death is a belief, again, a popular one, but a belief in total nonetheless. (Watch Leo’s death video if you haven’t, it’s phenomenal) Death is Actual You - Unconditional Love. Do you see the correlation yet? The feeling of bliss on the mountain, which represented the ‘facing of the fear’, of death = cutting away at the stories of the separate self, at it root - at death. ?? Again, I know this is harsh and critical. I hope it is all taken as an offering of love.

Glad to hear its been working man. Just read this earlier today: Questioner: Namaskaram, Sadhguru. Whenever I try to stop any negative emotion like anger, it only becomes stronger. How can I get a grip on how my mind works? Sadhguru: If you try to stop what you don’t want, only that will happen. This has always been the nature of your mind and the human mind as such. The whole system of yoga is about experientially exploring the nature of your body and your mind. When you get up in the morning and do your asanas, it is not because it is a stretching exercise, as a whole lot of idiots across the planet describe it. Yes, you have to stretch to do it, but fundamentally, it is an exploration of your body and your mind. Because the biggest problem in your life is, you are trying to live here without having a grasp of the two basic vehicles without which you cannot go through this life – the physical body and the mind. Understanding the vehicle How comfortably you travel through life depends on how deeply you have grasped your body and your mind. For the journey to be comfortable, the vehicle has to be good, and you must understand the vehicle – how it behaves, what it does,and why it does what it does. This is not enlightenment – this is necessary even if you only want to live an ignorant life. They used to say, “Ignorance is bliss” – if that was true, the world should be blissed out by now. An experiential exploration Even if you have chosen to be ignorant because you think it is blissful, to walk through this world, you must have a grasp of this body and this mind. Otherwise, doing anything is a problem. I will not go into this further intellectually, because then you would get all wound up. That is why the yogic system is an experiential exploration without trying to go into it intellectually. When you do your asanas, you explore the nature of your body and your mind. If you move your fingers in a certain way, your mind will function accordingly. Everything that you do with your body does something with your mind. You will not come to this understanding by reading a book. It will come to you only by exploration. If you close your eyes and try to forcefully remove something from your mind, you will never be successful. This is the most basic and at the same time the most important realization that everyone needs to come to. Without this realization, you will make a complete mess out of yourself. If you are not so sharp in your head, it will be okay. But if you are sharp, you will cut yourself all over, and before anyone can save you, you will be mutilated. Every day, such mutilated human beings come to me and say, “Sadhguru, I’m interested in enlightenment.” First fix the wounds, or at least stop causing further wounds, because you have a very sharp knife. Exploring the fundamentals Even to shave themselves, a whole lot of men cut their faces. I have seen people bleeding in the face because they want to cut themselves close and it gets closer than planned. Understanding the fundamentals, grasping as to how your mind functions, does not come from an intellectual analysis – it is an exploration. What you need to do is, hold your body in one posture, and see your mind functions in a certain way. Hold your body in another posture, and see your mind functions in a different way. When you do your asanas, you explore the nature of your body and your mind. Hatha Yoga is preparatory If you stay in an asana and breathe properly, as you go through this process, the mind will go into various states. This exploration is the most fundamental aspect of yoga. Hatha Yoga is not the peak – it is preparatory. If you try to go to the peak without that preparatory step, you will probably crash. At least 80% of humanity will not be able to do any kind of meditation in their life unless they do some kind of physical preparation. The very way they sit, the very way they move their body, it is clear that they cannot meditate, no matter how hard they try. Some amount of physical preparation is needed, because body and mind are not two separate things – or is your brain outside your body? What happens to your little finger happens to the brain. What happens to the brain happens to the little finger. It works both ways. The brain is not a separate entity by itself. Doctors have learned about the body by dissecting dead bodies – if you open a dead body and cut out different organs and keep them in different places, it is all separate. But that is not how your body is – it is all one. Only to a discriminating scalpel it is separate, but for a living human being, it is all one. That is why the yogic system is designed the way it is. What you resist will manifest As an experiment, try to resist the things that you want. You will see they will manifest strongly within you. If you want something to happen, try to not make it happen. It will definitely happen. That is because you are in a state where when you want to put your mind in first gear, it goes into reverse gear. This is not the best way to do things, but you could try this to understand that this is how it is right now – if you resist something, only that will happen. Doing your sadhana – It works! From tomorrow, get up at five o’ clock in the morning, have a cold shower, and start your sadhana at 5:30, every day. After some time, so many things which were a problem in your mind will be gone. Just do your hatha yoga for an hour a day – it works. But if you want to understand how it works, what the mechanism and the process are, it takes a lot of effort and time. To make it work does not take much. But if you want to know the whole intricacy of what makes it happen, why it happens the way it happens, why a particular asana has a particular effect, then it is lifetimes of study. Those who want to benefit from the technology should simply learn to use it. For those who want to know the basis and the science behind the technology, it is lifetimes of work. It took me three lifetimes to understand how it works. I am assuming you are smarter than me because you have come to me, and after all the things I do – no sweetness, no promise of heaven, no miracles, not even a pleasant word, no hug – you are still here. So, assuming you are smart, it is a lifetime of work.

Pitfalls on the Path This is a summary of some obsticals we might encounter on our journey toward supreme consciousness. We are each a spectrum of various degrees of the pitfalls that make up our shadow side. The shadow playing into the light and the light playing into the shadow. Love-consciousness would be the light side that is half of who we are, would it not? The darkside would be the recalcitrant neglect of cues from body-mind-soul-muse regarding the appropriate care and love-consciousness for self or other. Shadow is perhaps the separate-self-sense's blind concern and focus on that which stops the heart from expanding to infinity. Kundalini and our beliefs about God and spirituality are not important. What is of ultimate value to us is Life, love and relationship. If our kundalini and our beliefs are interfering with our Life, love and relationship then we must do everything within our power of awareness to rectify this situation. 1-Pathological Regression Retreat into infantile prerational uroboric fusion. Indulgence in dissolution and fragmentation; often due to lack of modeling, support, structure or clearly defined developmental framework of ascent that covers all sides of the whole human (survival, somatic, emotional, social, spiritual). Desire to let ones life collapse in the hope of being rescued. Retreat into depression and grief to escape more expansive perception and profound sense of being 2-Running Away Retreat and evasion through dissociation and denial. Inertial holding back to former modes of perception and being. Effort to pull energy down, back and in through substance addictions, heavy food, sedentary lifestyle and through avoidance of "opening" practices and therapy. Secondary fear chemistry due to negative interpretation of kundalini events resulting in panic, paralysis, stagnation, isolation and avoidance. Even running away from bliss and increased wellbeing with various forms of anaesthetization, self-repression and self-destruction. 3-Oblivion Bliss obsession is a preoccupation and addiction to blissful energy, using it as a form of narcotic anaesthetization to avoid real world obligations, survival and development imperatives. Hazy, diffuse, forgetful, preoccupied, heedlessness, day dreaming, castle building, directionless. Lost in fantasy, trance, myth, symbol, story, meaning making, synchronicities and connections. Creativity at the expense of survival, through avoidance of rational discernment. 4-Diffusion Loss of left-brain focusing and hierarchical prioritization. Chain of Being collapsed. Codependency, dependency, false security in catering to the egos of others, coupled with lower-order giving through forms of slavery whereby ones highest contribution is lost in obscurantism, confusion, ambiguity, paradox, double-binds due to the collapse of the hierarchical prioritizing faculty. Indistinct, labyrinthine, vague, leaky boundaries, jumbled, enigmatic. 5-Fixation on Internal Processes Overly fascinated, morbidly curious, distracted by and absorbed in kundalini symptoms, psychic phenomena and newfound spiritual powers (siddhas). This compulsive obsession with symptoms and phenomena feeds inflation and interferes with relationships and functional utility. Possible secondary fear or depression over the temporary loss of adaptive functions and left-brain sharpness. Inability to disembed to perceive emotional storms as psychosomatic events of alchemical cycles. Excessive reactivity to conditions both internal and external. 6-Chasing the Dragon Blindly engaging in practices, stimulants, relationships and events with the aim of rapidly increasing the intensity and speed of the trajectory of kundalini opening. Thereby increasing the danger of more extreme peaks and valleys, which could result in tissue damage, depression, regression and burnout. Self destructive use of the alchemy for thrills, novelty and status. 7-Inflation Expanded psychic ability, high energy and siddhas inflate the ego to feel overly special, superior and unique. This feeds into the separate-self-sense's illusion of an independent existence and promotes selfishness or "my enlightenment for me." World savior, grand mission, martyr, new religions, global ideas, evangelical crusade. Visionary over-estimation of reality and potential, generating the propensity to forcibly impose ones will on the world. 8-Internal Exploitation Turning the sacred into the profane. Lack of integration between the levels, coupled with disillusionment about achieving "higher goals." Hence exploitation of sex/kundalini/muse energy for "worldly goals" of power, status or monetary gain. "Using" oneself is an introverted symptom of inflation. The more we exploit ourselves the more others exploit us. Treating ourselves as a resource without regard for our spiritual welfare. 9-External Exploitation Using powerful psychic and siddha powers to exploit others in order to fulfill ones own drive for power, status or monetary gain. Lust, usurpation, manipulation, dominator-hierarchies. Power mongering is an extraverted symptom of inflation. The more we exploit others, the more we exploit ourselves through turning the sacred into the profane. Treating others as a resource without regard for their spiritual welfare. 10-Projecting Spirit Transference onto Gurus, lovers, alien or channeled entities, angels, saints etc...in disownership of ones own alchemical process, soul and muse. Feels like a powerful force enacting on us from outside, sometimes seeming too great for mortal endurance. Externalization of internal archetypal aspects (Great Attractors) ultimately resulting in our reclaiming them as our own through the pain generated by the projection. 11-Formalism Entrenched preoccupation with appearances, rules, forms, formulas, dogmas, details, rituals and traditions of religious sects. Fanaticism, orthodoxy, fundamentalism, letter of the word, conservatism, conventional, spiritual materialism, elitism/exclusion, need to "belong." Feeds into power, pride and defense systems of the psyche. 12-Perpetual Seeker Looking for wholeness and Self outside oneself. Fragmentation due to lack of coherent integration, individuation and boundary definition. Spirit always over the horizon, without serious intention of achieving Self, due to resistance to sovereignty and autonomous choice. Tendency toward projecting Spirit and formalism. Need for parental figures as there is an unconscious commitment to remain immature, obsequious and surrender ones personal power. Bottom dog trying to gain power through connection to a Guru or power figure. 13-Addiction to Cognition Inability to relax into the spaciousness of the transrational due to tenacious drive of the mind to "know." Unwilling to let go of focal, associative, analytic mind in order to transcend and include it in "whole-seeing" and full spectrum consciousness. Resistance to relinquishing the myopia of the representational mind and thus avoid uniting the relative will with the Absolute Will; perhaps due to lack to lack of faith or knowledge that there is anything higher than intellect. 14-Absolute Knowledge Loss of growth potential by closing off to new information due to the hubris of a premature claim to enlightenment. Rigidified bubble of the known as a defense against chaos, dynamism, dissolution and breakdown--thereby preventing resurrection to a higher order. Bombastic grandiose omniscience. Cults, obdurate, implacable, inflexible, rigid, unshakable, stagnant. Arrogance, self-righteousness, self-justification, vanity, pride, top of the heap. Forgets beginners mind due to inflation hence is ignorant of ones ignorance. 15-Spiritual Bypass "Premature transcendence--high level denial. Avoiding painful psychological issues by immersing oneself in a rigorous spiritual practice, or focusing on experiences of transcendence within the Kundalini phenomena to the exclusion of processing trauma from the past." - Michael Dubois 16-Abiding in the Absolute "Holding the absolute dimension so tightly that we can't see all the relative learning that we still have to do. Trivializing the sense of relative impermanence amidst the artificial perfection of what can seem like a permanent awakening." - Michael Dubois 17-Blinded by Clarity "When inner Vision and Intent become so clarified and overpowering, that the clarity itself fixates attention on a limited range of perceptions/interpretations/possibilities. Polishing the interpretive lens so thoroughly, that the lens itself becomes invisible as an object of perception." - Michael Dubois 18-Cosmic Paradox Religious forms kill the human spirit or stop it evolving, because religions, churches and ashrams are attempts to legitimize that which needs no legitimization (I am That). And in so doing, a defense against illegitimacy (evil) is set up, which perpetuates evil (self/other separation). Rather, what needs to occur is education in inclusivity, global embrace, We-thinking and the observation that the ego will always try and separate and elevate itself above the crowd in an attempt to acquire legitimacy (good), power and significance. From: http://biologyofkundalini.com/article.php@story=PitfallsonthePath.html

Bliss Bliss appears to be kundalini phenomena especially related to heart expansion and is a consequence of increased energy flow in the nerves. One of the functions of spiritual bliss is to incapacitate the higher cortical functions rendering the individual "childlike" soft, maluable, changable, open and to conserve energy and internal resources for the metamorphosis of the physical body that occurs. Normally our conditioned "I" is kept so busy, hypervigilant and preoccupied by the tasks of daily life and obligations that this "fall" into the spiritually receptive state doesn't occur. Hence the preponderance of unpopped humans populating the planet, all vigilantly remembering who they are. excerpt from: http://biologyofkundalini.com/article.php@story=Bliss.html

Sure but how would you answer the question then? Do you agree that it is confusing, of course I am god but havent the insights told us that an individual human will nevertheless does not exist and it is all gods will? Thats what I have learned so far, which doesnt mean I am not god (allthough you might think I am still confused). But it means that I as a human only am performing whatever my highest conscious self wants to and that I will never figure out how consciously it unfolds step by step I just perform according to thoughts, Impulses, conditioning. .. And so on. If I am conscious enough through lots of training I manage to supress thoughts and mostly be and witness and remain in bliss. Then there are people that are highly unconscious but still perform according to their/my/our highest self who still makes the decisions with utmost intelligence, do you agree? So how does suicide fit into that highest conscious intelligent decision performing? Its a really old curiosity which could be interesting to dissolve, because it seems paradoxical that we have no individual free will but still when it comes to suicide suddenly we have it.

Blissness is starting to leak in and taking me over im on the teeter of awakening i just realized that all my problems are not real im just a thought i see the beauty in creation i can see infinity working in everyone there no limit to creation thats why it seems so real its beatiful i broke threw the materialised paradigm it seems completely absurd to me that there's a external world there's not its just consiness using its infinity to dualized it self when really its all the same source i think the reason why we suffer is because it feels so great to wake up like to truly wake up to be so bought into the worries of life only to find out death is a comedy it feels so blissfull im so glad to achieve this by such a young age in my life as 17 i think im gonna be really happy and i dont think anything will bother me because its all just beauty as allan watts would say magnificent illusion

@Leo Gura Indeed it's paradoxical and hard to understand and communicate what's the difference but I think it's important to not confuse the Soul with God and that it's important to learn the difference. I don't have all the answers and I don't know everything but I will try to make some arguments for the soul in this post. Just for fun. I agree that at the highest level, there is only one "thing", but I think that by you talking from this point of view and ignoring all notions of individuality, you're spreading ignorance and putting things in the wrong context that will not help evolve consciousness of the viewers to the highest level in the most efficient way. I hope that at some point in time, you'll speak more about souls, soul evolution, the 5 kingdoms of nature and how the concept of the soul fits in the grant scheme of things. I think that without that, there is still a lack of discernment and humility in your teachings. When we look at the present moment, we can experience it. We can only experience one moment, from many points of view. If there is only one moment, and there is only one moment, then we can realize that everything exists now. Everything is here and now. The past exists now, and the future exists now. When we recall a memory from the past, we experience it now. In the past we experienced the content in the now. In the future we'll experience the content in the now. So... there is only one moment and everything exists here and now. BUT, we experience only what is relevant to the individual field of consciousness. What we put out, is what we get back. If we smile at the mirror, the mirror will smile back. If we don't smile at the mirror, we can't see a smiling face staring at us, so as long as we're souls there is always an established bondage to relativity. I can say in my mind, I am this and that, I am a human living on the planet Earth, and then this becomes my identity, I can use language and symbols to create a character that is part of a story...but if I say I am a coffee table, I will not be able to function as a coffee table because I am not a coffee table... I can go through the motions of everyday life believing I am a coffee table but that has no direct implication on the present moment and does not help me evolve...I can experience the coffee table, because everything is made out of consciousness, made out of one "thing", but as a soul, I have a role to play, I am a certain kind of energy, I can come up with all sorts of stories about what I am, but my ability to recognize patterns as a soul and by ability illuminate everything around me to see it as it actually is as a soul, allows me to understand the relationship between two types of energy and come to the knowledge of what I am in the present direct experience and also what I am in my mind. This is discernment. Distinctions are of the mind but discernment is based on awareness, internalized knowledge and understanding the relationship between things. Everything is energy, but not everything is the same type of energy, not every energy is part of my energy, my ability to recognize patterns and how these pattern fit together to form a picture allows me to understand my individual field of consciousness, it allows me to understand what I truly am and what resonates with ME. The infinite field of consciousness that connects everything together, from which everything is made allows diversity, and the intelligence of the soul, can recognize different types of energies and intelligence. I can say to myself, there is infinite intelligence, but my ability to recognize patterns and discern them from one another also allows me to discern different types of intelligence while simultaneously being aware of the infinite field of consciousness in which everything is happening. I can realize that I am everything and nothing at the same time, but I can also recognize a different individual soul, I can see it for what it actually is, a divine being participating in a divine animation, in the field of consciousness that connects everything, and I can understand and know that this being has the ability to illuminate this infinite field of consciousness that connects both of us. Through God, I can realize that two sentient beings are part of that same unity and are one. By connecting to this unity the process of transfiguration takes place and the emotional, mental and physical bodies start to align and balance with the Soul mission, and the individual starts experiencing bliss, peace and harmony. So while being aware that I am him and that he is me, I am also simultaneously aware that I am me and that he is a different individual, that he is the same and also different. I know that I am, he is, and that we are one. With imagination, intellect and reason I can create an image, an interpretation of what this being is, I can assign labels, and create my identity of what this being represents and by doing that I separate myself from the other being because I'm doing an egoic activity...BUT simultaneously I can also be aware that this being is actually me, this field of consciousness connects us together, there is no boundary between the two... we can come to this via direct consciousness, connecting on this level and seeing that this being is actually me happens via awareness and not the mind. This infinite field (God) allows two individual souls to experience compassion, love and connection - that happens as a result of connecting and establishing a relationship between fields, this is not relative, when you become aware, all boundaries collapse and you also become compassion and love. If you're aware and not compassionate and loving, then you're not fully aware. If this infinite field of consciousness, God, pure emptiness, nothing, the container for all of reality was able to fall under illusion and become a limited thing, then I as an individual field of consciousness would no longer be able to shift from one reality to another reality because God would be busy connecting to one particular form, and if I am bonded to one particular form then I would be forever bonded to that form if infinite was not accessible eternally. This infinite field of consciousness of God cannot be subject to any state of subordination to illusion because if it did, then it would become conditioned and no longer infinite, this ability of infinite self-generation and self-regeneration would stop. But it doesn't, reality always keeps changing. So God cannot fall under illusion. Only the individual soul can fall under illusion. While the soul can be subject to illusion, God is not. Under this principle, of God being perfect and unconditioned, I can free myself from bondage to illusion... this infinite unconditioned field that transcend time and space allows me to shift from one reality to the next. It is only my responsibility as an individual to free myself from the cyclic nature of things, become aware=infinite=God and then shift from bondage to freedom. Forgetfulness and ignorance, allows me to rediscover myself once again as - God. The more I as an individual free myself from the bondage to what I am not, the more I can come to the realization of what I truly am. If God was conditioned, then it would no longer be infinite, it would be finite. You can say that finite is infinite, form is formless, and it is, but the problem is that God must stay in the infinite formless emptiness in order to hold all of the contents of reality and for all of reality to function, so in order for God to rediscover itself once again in all of its majesty and glory it needs to create individual fields of consciousness that can be a subject to illusion, that can identify with something and make distinctions. The infinite stays infinite and this feature allows souls to access it. The constant change and infinite self-generation and self-regeneration is what allows souls to free themselves from bondage. The individual field of consciousness allows the soul to evolve and embody more knowledge of what it is as God. If there was only one field of consciousness, we could become totally omniscient and access AND EMBODY the knowledge from all of the beings in the entire universe, but we're not able to do so, because it is no relevant to our individual field. What is just an idea for one being, is a totally internalized realization for another being. There is no point for me to know how to fly, if I don't have wings. How can Truth grasp me, if I have no individual field of consciousness? It can't, because Truth can only grasp me if I am bonded to a relative thing, I can only awaken from the relative and surrender to Truth. You said that Truth=God... but then you said that God can fall under illusion...So you're basicaly saying that Truth is not illusion free. You are contradicting yourself here, see? God must necessarily be illusion-free and not a subject to illusion. So what is then subject to illusion? The Soul. Truth comes from God....but how can Truth come from something that is subject to illusion? ? It is only through my individual field of consciousness that I can experience the defects of deception, an incomplete perception, the defect of falling under illusion, and the defect of inattentiveness. The individual field of consciousness allows us to store internalized Self-realizations through different life-times. We can clearly see that some beings are more evolved than others, denying that is ignorance. Even though some beings have less ideas, have read less books and have apparently went through less experiences from which they could learn, even though all that, they seem more evolved, they take more responsibility for their actions and it seems as though they can tap into a source of knowledge that is beyond personal ideas accumulated during the current life time. Why is that? An individual field of consciousness, soul, might be a simple answer to that question. The individual field can also store the light quotient of the being, the light that determines how fast the process of transfiguration will take. God is already infinite light, so the light quotient of God must be necessarily different from the light quotient of the Soul. If you were infinite light (infinite knowledge, awareness, revelation and lucidity), then you would be able to pass trough walls, access any spaceline/timeline, any electromagnetic spectrum and meet beings in other dimensional realities, and basicly do whatever you want, but you're not able to do that because you are bonded to a form, which is another argument for the soul, the soul can access only a fragment of that, which is relevant for the individual field. The ego has no free will, but look, if you could EMBODY the infinite in a finite form, then this would defeat the purpose of experiencing that particular form, so if you're not able to do that, then maybe there is some purpose behind that...a soul purpose. There are levels in this game and it needs to be respected as such. The soul is dependent on God, the Soul is our True Self. Only by understanding my True Self, I can embody spiritual bliss. God is what allows me to do that. God is that which allows me to connect the dots.

2 days ago I had a psychedelic experienced where I thought I had found the truth of life which would lead us to eternal bliss and happiness. I felt that I somehow discovered the ultimate secret and that I was able to bring love and joy to the rest of the world. I even pictured myself a sort of next Jezus but than bigger. However, it's important to note I didn' t felt I was above others. This may be my best psychedelic experienced yet, because I learned many important things. I still have a sense of pure happiness inside me right now, which is very strange to me. Obv I know i'am not the next messiah. I was just wondering if this is a common thing to experienced. Have you ever felt this way?

@Raptorsin7 its not the petty little human love. Its Absolute Love. Absolute Divinity. Its so powerful that it will knock you to your knees and leave you reeling. It will leave you in uncontrollable tears of bliss.

By the way i noticed your Meshuggah avatar... I am a huge fan. Male speaking here, i have noticed very many times, if you really attain to some level of bliss and ferociousness, if you are genuinely listening to people talking to you and if people can see bliss in your eyes, if the people arond you seem to think hey this guy is always happy, the usually all look at me when i am not happy, because of how rare it is (internally it is very different, i think you all know how it is), and ESPECIALLY some women in my univerisity, i think they found out that i do all kinds of self development things, and i also think women are more sensetive to a persons vibe, even if i generally try to avoid them, not engage in post school activities, i get all these "hints" you could get from their body language. The more ferociously you are doing your own thing and not being needy, the more attention you are going to get. I don't know why they "hint" me, maybe its just for me to give my attention, i don't know, i don't think i care if im in good/average mood. Of course, maybe majority will not be interested in you, but some group of opposite sex will really enjoy your authenticity and the "weirdness and differentness of you". Ofc if you have better "game", or you just know how to interract, sociaize better, feel less fearful from experience of socializing, that will probably help you way better with a larger group of people, but be careful what you wish for, you may not be involved with the larger group of these people... because you are self developing and they are not. Even some girls with bf's (that know me for some good 1-3 years) have flirted with me by touching me, i am not sure what to think about that tho...

@Sombra Thank you very much for sharing. That is what we must go through to get awakening I think. Our deepest fears will come to fruition and because it is all love, these fears are just another representation of us or source that can be loved and accepted if we are willing to surrender to the experience. The problem is it's fucking hard af to surrender to something like ghosts or demons, or whatever else we fear at our deepest being. On the other side of this fear is love and bliss, i'm just not ready to cross it. I wonder what others think about this. Maybe we can learn to build ourselves so we can confront our deepest fears easier, but idk...

@Serotoninluv It is getting complicated, so I will try and make it as simple as possible and cut out the complexity. We are all One. There is but Love in this world, everything else is illusion. It is Love that binds us together and connects us. Hate and mistrust, on the other hand, separates us. When we Love, we unite and become One. In Unity, there is diversity, yet, there is no separation, because we exist in a continuum, all unique in our own way, but we also have points of connection, where we merge into each other and it is no longer possible to tell where one of us starts and the other ends. It is at these connection points that various forms of love manifest, depending on the kind of relationship we have with one another. This could be friendship, neighbourliness, kindness, familial love, romantic love, etc... But, the highest form of love is divine love, which is love for all. All other forms of love are pale reflections of the real thing and in our lives, what we ultimately seek is divine love, expressed through unity consciousness. All throughout our lives, we seek connection and meaning. Even our various addictions are a desperate search to find, meaning, connection and unity. What we ultimately all want is to love and be loved. The forces inherent in the illusory mirror world that we're lost in pull us away from each other. Our memory of our divine nature and what it means to be ONE is what draws us closer together. When we serve the forces of Unity and Love, we move the whole world closer together to its ultimate source. Fear of unity and the insecurities that come with it are what fuel hate and separation. Our ultimate destiny is to regain unity consciousness and to reintegrate our souls into a greater whole, from which we consciously separate ourselves every waking moment of our lives, even in our sleep and as reincarnation proves, even in our death. We are consciously resisting drifting back into unity by constantly building and maintaining barriers between us and others. Reversing that requires letting go and not doing, in other words, stopping the conscious and constant sabotage of our own happiness and bliss. When we let go of the ego, our fears, insecurities, hatred and all other separational emotions and consciousness vehicles, that is when the bliss of infinity and nothingness, of unbound love and unadulterated joy becomes our reality. Because at this moment, we are filled with light, some refer to this re-emergence of unity consciousness as enlightenment.

@mandyjw Yes, that is true. In reality we are not Christian and we are really nothing and everything. Sometimes I think about what Buddha said that if you meet the Buddha you have to kill the Buddha. I don't know if I can Kill Jesus really hehehe... because is always in the back on my mind. I think the indoctrination we get from church is crazy and in that sense is hard sometimes to not get attached to certain beliefs and dogmas. Yes, no problem. I will try to make it short, because I don’t want to hijack your thread. I will post in my diary a more detailed version of this experience, I will let you know if you want to read it. It was nuts hehehehe… But basically I asked in prayer to be “saved”. And I did it so intensely that something happened. I was not so sure about my beliefs so I wanted to know for once and all if I really was wrong or If there was any purpose to life, if Jesus was “the only way”, if Buddhism was wrong, etc. So, I read that Jesus said “Ask and it shall be given”, so I asked so much that one day it was given. I asked for salvation, I wasn’t sure if Salvation and Enlightenment was the same, so I did what it was safer for my beliefs at that moment, I asked for salvation, to be baptized with the holy spirit. And something happened, God listened to me hehehe... I was going to work and during my commute, I had an epiphany or as Jed Mc Kenna says I had T/R (“Truth Realization”). But it was partial. In the sense that I didn’t have any background about true spirituality, so I couldn’t understand what had happened. But anyway it was marvelous. And it was really Truth realization, the only problem is I didn’t know it at that moment. The first thing I had first of all Love for everyone that it was on the train. A super selfless love. And then I had a vision (or a shift in perception in reality) where I saw that everything is alive, and God was in everything. I saw energy all around me and I felt that all was connected. There was energy everywhere and it was running from one person to another, like if all of us were connected and one thing. I also felt like I was really alive, that before I was dead and now I was seeing really what is to be alive. But I still was in the old paradigm, that I was my thoughts, that I was separated from God, etc. In my arms I could see that energy running inside me, like if there was very brilliant water running through my veins. That made me remember what Jesus said that “He who believes in Me, as the Scripture said, 'From his innermost being will flow rivers of living water.'" So one day I began to suffer the ego backslash. Now I know what it is, but at this moment I didn’t have any idea. And even today I was thinking about it and in reality the ego backslash was created by me, because it was what it was. IMO it was an awakening that my ego interpreted as something bad, but I will explain that in a moment. I lost control of my ego, the ego acted any thought that appeared or arose in me. And I didn’t know what it was me, what it was thought. So, I did funny things, I said a lot of truth but mixed with crazy stuff, like exaggerating, like I love you (but in a way that it seemed devilish). It was a psychotic episode. I went to the hospital and I ended up staying there like one week trying to go back to normal. I couldn’t think well, my memory was super bad. I forgot everything. And I had terrible nightmares. The nightmares where me going to die (hehehehe). What happened was that I become conscious of being in nothing, in a void. It was completely black, like in a blackout and I was conscious but I didn’t know what I was, I didn’t have any identity. And that consciousness began to fall into that black hole, at that moment I was consciousness but the ego was still there, and I was still identified with the ego. Now I know because of all the experience of ego death that I read, I know what it was what happened. But when it happened I remember telling my wife that it was the worst nightmare that I ever had. Now I know it was a blessing in reality!!! I was going to be awakened but I chickened out due to lack of knowledge! What I was trying to tell you Mandy is that you are right, what one person sees as bliss or tranquility other like me can see it as the devil, as hell. So I believe that we create hell, but in my opinion you with the knowledge that you have now, you are safe, you will never be in that “hell” hehehe… because you know is you who creates it so your mind will go to another place. That’s what I think. I watch with my wife a TV serie called Criminal Minds, and they write from time to time some quotes from famous people and I remember that they put in one of the episodes a quote that I think it has to do with all these, it said this: “Hell is truth seen too late.” ― Thomas Hobbes, Leviathan

Thanks for sharing your experience. I think which states of mind are most conducive to spiritual insights and realizations is a really interesting area. Ime, a busy distressed mind is not optimal for insights/realizations to appear. I find anything that can relax the mind and body is helpful. Meditation, yoga, time in nature etc. It allows space of insights/realizations to appear. For me, the "space" is more important than "joy". Joy can be an expression of what arises in the space, yet for me joy isn't the key - it is the empty space. Yet, a happy mind-body is generally a better mindset for insight/awakening than an unhappy mindset. Yet I wouldn't say it's the joy itself, I would say it's more about attachment/identification, desire and distraction. When my mind body is unhappy, there is usually thought stories occurring in my mind and desire to change Now. For example, if the mind is worrying about making money there can be insecurities and desire to change one's state. We don't like being Now and want a better now in which we feel good. In a joyful mind-body there much less desire to change Now. This makes it easier to be Now, since we are not seeking a better state. We are happy with Now. Yet this is still within a pleasure/pain dynamic. As soon as the thought/desire to make the happy state stable and permanent - desire arises and a pleasure vs. pain duality appears. We may seek the joyful state and become motivated to stablize the joyful state. We may start chasing joyful states. Relative joy distracts from unconditional joy. For example, last year I was in an isolated area of Belize that was paradise. After a week, my mind and body was relaxed and joyful to levels I didn't even know exist. One day I was floating in the ocean and everything was perfect, I was in joyful bliss. No worries, no distractions, no personal stories, no me. Various insights and realizations appeared. There was no time. . . Then, there was a thought about how joyful this was. As soon as joy appeared, non-joy appeared. If I am joyful, then I am not unjoyful. This appearance completely change the energetics. There were know thought like "What if I become unjoyful again? I don't want that. I want this joy to be stable. What if I return home to work and become unjoyful? How can I make this joy stable?". Then appearances of desire and thought stories. There is a mixture of joy and unjoy. For relative joy to exist, it must contrast itself to nonjoy? How can we tell if we are joyful? We must contrast this to nonjoyful. . . This can be beneficial at the personal/human level, yet relative happiness is a distraction and resistance to unconditional / absolute happiness. Unconditional/Absolute happiness is not dependent on conditions. It is impossible to be unhappy because there is Happiness in all conditions. There is unconditional happiness during meditation, while cooking, while running away from a pit bull, while having sex, while worrying about work, while being angry etc. . . . Ime, relative happiness can be important at the personal/human level - relative joy/happiness is healthy to the mind and body. Yet I need to be careful, because relative happiness can be alluring, mesmerizing and captivating. It can distract from unconditional/absolute happiness.