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Hey guys I know that "This thread is quite old. Please consider starting a new thread rather than reviving this one." But just wanted to let you know that I am currently doing Leo's life purpose course and am upto #54 and am far from depression and suicide as of right now and have a clearer vision for my life now Thank you for those who commented and spent the time to write what they wrote. Sorry it took this long to get back to you. I hope you guys are doing just as well as you were then.

Now, shrooms can be highly effective in your situation. But I am not a doctor and I don't now who you are and how much you can stand. If I just were to say: "Yeah, go ahead, shoot your brain out with shrooms" and you do that and commit suicide because all of the repressed emotions are coming up, I cannot stay by that statement. (Btw, that's possible. You can lose total control if the dose is high enough and if you then get into a wrong stream of thoughts, you might kill yourself. That's not just a saying.) For someone who is emotionally at a normal base level (normal non-integrated egoic consciousness), I think it's quite safe if you do the research and start slow to try psychedelics. Of course there are always exceptions. But if you have serious emotional problems, you better talk to a doctor about that or do it with a doctor. I had serious emotional problems (due to shadow work / spiritual purification) and I did psychedelics either way, but that's because I researched them myself intensely, started slow, and I know who I am and how much I can take. But I can't make that call for you. So, go research. And if you do, start slow.

Suicide is my destiny now. I know now that there is no going back. My life will soon be terminated because of my inability to overcome myself and because I am not genetically coded for living. I never was. Some people will succeed and will do wonderful discoveries because there are gifted, because there are genetically coded to be successful. It's been a week since I stopped to meditate, I stopped eating healthy, I stopped to do math and science. I am now in a shitty job an organic grocery market. All day long, I transport fruits and vegetable to the shelf. Could I had a better job, a job in science, in research? NO because I am a 27 years old fucking retarded. I binge on porn and on junk media, on junk films, on masturbation because that's my destiny, because I can't resist the temptation! Because my brain is finished, his dopamine receptors will not be restored fully, I will never be able to be a researcher in maths. That's the cruel and clear reality. Now I am accepting it, I'm am accepting my mediocrity and know that this is all what life will be for me. I accept my destruction, I cannot fight any more, I cannot be better than this, it is impossible. Nearly 5 years of self-actualization for nothing... I was meant to be a failure. Now suicide is the only option, my absolute truth, my sweet and lovely destiny!! Dying like the junk I am. Self-help is useless, only gifted people or correct brain like Leo Gura and others can succeed. It was there destiny. Just like an organism that die prematurely because of a disease or because of an accident or malformation, I must be eliminated from the surface of the earth. Only the more intelligent, the more adaptable survive. I am not like that. I am tired and can't evolve.

@ajasatya then if someone who is Enlightened is so sure that the Ultimate Truth is pure Nothingness and knowing it is so relieving and beautiful why does not he suicide and end the physical body and ego completely?

@kieranperez It is very difficult to find a man who has not thought at least four times in his life of committing suicide. Why do people think of suicide? – for the simple reason that life is ugly and they don’t know how to beautify it, how to make a song out of it. It is just sadness, a long long anguish, a nightmare. When you are thinking of suicide, that simply says you are thinking that this life that you have lived up to now is not worth living. But there are possibilities in it which you have not tried yet. I say to you: This life can become a great joy. You may have lived a life without love. Why not try love? You may have lived a life obsessed with money. Why not live a life unobsessed with money? You may have lived a life which hankers to possess. Now live a life which is not worried about possessing anything. You may have lived a life of respectability - you may have always been considering what people think about you, what their opinion is. There is a life to live without bothering what others are thinking about you; there is a life to live individually and rebelliously. There is a life to live which is of adventure and not of social conformity. There is a life of meditation, of God, of search, of going within. You may have lived an outside life, chasing this and chasing that. I make available to you another life of not chasing anything, but sitting silently, disappearing within your being. A life of interiority. And you will be surprised - the whole idea of suicide will disappear like dewdrops in the morning sun, and you will stumble upon a life which is eternal. Osho ~ Dhammapada Volume 8

Leo, 1. Any plans to discuss suicide as a topic? 2. Where do you see actualized.org in 10 years?

How do you know that he wasn't talking about his state of being drunk? If someone is so drunk that he is falling to the floor and almost passing out he could be referring to his state when saying "why don't you let me die?" and not suicide later on.

@Toby COMPLETELY disagree with this advice. Any time anyone says anything about suicide it should be taken 100% serious, no matter the conditions. The conditions don't matter. Plenty of times throughout history I imagine that people have said suicidal stuff when drunk and then committed suicide later.

http://ruckasworld.com/ He attempted to suicide but he got help from a contact, people that help with these kind of cases (Listed on his website.) and now he makes amazing video parodies, he's happy and does what he loves to do. I think you father needs to change his aspect of life, he needs to spend his time with his family and gather peace in mind. You should definitely call your mother and sister, don't deal with this alone because you just might regret not calling them. He needs his family right now.

Sigh. Not a good day today. Anyone here I can PM? Or even just talk on this thread? Sorry, but I'm getting more depressed as the minutes pass. Being down is turning into sadness. Sadness is turning to depression. And from where it's heading, it seems like it's going to turn to despair. I'm even growing some thoughts of suicide but don't worry, I'm not taking that seriously. And I won't in the future. Probably. I would go talk to my usual listeners. But no one I know would really get the context of this situation. I explained it in my journal that I've recently made.

To be honest, I have always been an outcast. I have never think like everybody, I was always with myself because others rejected me or because I was tired of their type of discussion, their interests and their mentality. But I forced myself to be like them for a long time. I repressed my creativity and my interests into others futile things. It is only since a few years that I realized that. But I think it is too late. How can a 27 years old boy with no diploma can do if he wants to solve a difficult logical math problem? I am not ready, and I never will. I should have started doing it a long time ago, when I was young, when my mind was more plastic, more efficient, less polluted my drugs, porn and society. I wanted to end my life 3 times: one time when I was 5 or 6, one when I was 9 or 10 and one when I was 18 or 19. I'm sorry I did not act, i'm sorry I did not cut those veins or tied this rope. I should have done that before. If I had know what was waiting for me then I should have committed suicide long time ago. Next time I will not miss the target, I will not fail, not this time. The only thing that must not be failed is this.

I had trouble in meditation for the past weeks. I am struggling to complete the full hour of meditation. I am so agitated, I feel so much pain. But I can't observe it, I can't embrace it. I am less and less able to embrace my pain. Less and less able to be in mindfulness in my every day life. I feel that the darkness is slowly enveloping me. My demons of the past doesn't want to let me go. I am condemned to do the same error again and again. It has been 4 years since I wanted to change radically my life and being able to study and innovate in mathematical logic. The only changes that I see at the moment are that I failed and failed at college, and I have simply multiply "good" habits that doesn't give me any progress and any reliefs. In contrary, I feel like on edge constantly. On the edge of suicide, on the edge of total failure, on the edge of giving up once and for all. And I waste my time doing that shit of personal development because I'm not able to do logical maths. I want to change but my mind and body doesn't allow it. And the porn relapses weakens me each time a little more. How many time will I keep going like that? Few years, maybe 3 or 4 but not more. Life is meant to thrive, not to survive. And I am sick to survive. If people tell me that life is surviving then I will respond to them by suicide.

There has always been a nagging question in the back of my mind when listening to Leo talk about enlightenment. If it is the death of the self/ ego, then would suicide bring about enlightenment/ experiencing absolute infinity?

Currently I am in the trenches of life and I am forced to give effort in things I am not good at in order to learn and evolve. Who is suffering that? You would, and I would say no-one, but the reality of the situation is that I am here getting punched left and right, required to make decisions and choices between accepting and escaping my reality if I have to be honest. I'm talking about the human being that is typing those words, not awareness. Turns out I am not really awareness! It has been a sham. I am actually a human being that has to deal with issues, but I'm so far the rabbit hole that I can't, so the only thing on the horizon is death. There is no way out. I better be awareness, because suicide looks like a better option day by day. It's a struggle, this life requires endless struggle and effort, unless you have the faculties needed to survive ( good DNA). There's nothing else. A damned lottery. Who is required to give an effort? The answer of that question leads nowhere. I accept my inability to give effort, furthermore my inability to find the one that is supposed to give effort. However at the same time as I accept effort can't be made at this time, at the same time I can see that this is just an attempt to escape from responsibility and effort. Why is escaping from a prison that tortures you worse than accepting a prison that tortures you in your opinion? This post may look like a bunch of ramblings, but that's because of my current state of consciousness, which is probably what Leo describes as severe Ego backlash.

of course there is nothing bad about death..there's only infinite love and light beyond the illusion of the ego. but there's value in reaching enlightenment while still being focused in this physical reality. so in that sense suicide would not bring the experience of being enlightened while being incarnated on earth

maybe his job here was done...realize the amount of love and light this guy brought to this world, the millions of souls he reached out to... this guy has done an incredible job on earth. his life was not a failure in the slightest maybe he did what he needed to do and moved on, death is never by accident, the spirit choses when to let the physical incarnation end and to head to new explorations. some souls come here on earth with certain specific goal; it's unique for everyone whether his suicide was an act of low consciousness or an act of high consciousness of his spirit just leaving earth as it achieved what it come here to do, is very personal. I suspect it the latter but that's my opinion

American culture seems to consistently take the attitude "If it's your problem, you got yourself into it, so it's only YOUR problem." We do this with drug addicts, the mentally unstable, homeless individuals, those in debt, those who have neurotic patterns because of their parents, etc. Depression and suicide seem to be a huge problem in our culture, 9 kids from my high school committed suicide in the 4 years I was there. The problem permeates through the individual, but couldn't it be a societal and cultural issue as well? Just theorizing

Hey Leo! I noticed you mentioned shamanism in a recent episode, as something you should "maybe do an episode on." You referenced Carlos Castaneda. Before you go down that path, I have a couple of suggestions. Apologies in advance if any of this sounds patronizing. It's not intended. Shamanism, as you know, is a huge topic. Seeing as you're turning this website into a kind of Sage University, I suggest you consider that shamanism is something you're going to come back to again and again. It's intertwined with spirituality, though in someways distinct. Terence McKenna was ultimately more drawn to a shamanic style of interpretation with entheogens than a spiritual path with meditation and gurus. Myself, I'm studying both and have written a forthcoming book from Apocryphile Press (San Francisco) on my experiences with Amazonian plant shamanism (particularly ayahuasca) although I've more recently embraced meditation and Kriya yoga, while continuing to work with entheogens such as toad sacrament, huachuma (San Pedro cactus) etc. (I recommend the latter to you.) Anyway, my point is that I support your idea of covering shamanism on Actualized.org but suggest you think of it as an ongoing major theme and not something to cover in one or two episodes (although an "Introduction to Shamanism" episode would be a great idea). In that regard, please invest in further learning about and sharing the work of real shamans and real students of shamanism, and not Carlos Castaneda. Of course you can refer to Castaneda, who wrote beautiful fiction and whose work contains wonderful moral and other teachings. But I suggest there are better sources. You can find a BBC documentary on YouTube that examines Castaneda "the man" as opposed to the myth. His books were based on his own imagination and not any real scholarship or understanding of the indigenous people whose culture he claimed to represent. The BBC program presents him as a fraud and leader of a cult that included somewhat zombified blonde interchangeable acolytes some of whom committed suicide in the desert after his death. You can draw your own conclusions about Castaneda of course. Maybe the BBC documentary is itself a piece of agitprop although it didn't strike me as such. In any case, i commend to you the writings of a real American shaman -- Bradford Keeney -- and especially his books about the bushmen of the Kalahari (e.g., Way of the Bushman) into whose secret and sacred methods of ecstatic dance, healing and N/om energy he was initiated years ago. That is only one of many authentic and existent shamanic or medicine holding traditions, of course, including the First Nations modalities, and the aforementioned Amazonian plant shamanism. There are many other wonderful writers and experts on shamanism. I have immensely enjoyed your shift in direction over the past year or so, and am myself walking a parallel path to yours, of the sage. I have worked with some of the same entheogens as yourself, and plan to try AL-LAD because of your video on that. One more thing, and sorry for being picky, but I shudder every time you use the word "trip" in regard to your experiments with different entheogens. In the psychedelic/shamanic culture some of us are making a deliberate effort to cultivate new language around these profound (and in some cases ancient) tools. Words like "trip" and "drug" are holdovers from the 1960s culture and bring to mind the excesses with LSD and so on. While it's a bit of a stretch to refer to substances such as AL-LAD as "medicines" my preferred word is "sacrament" and I refer to my experiences as "journeys" rather than "trips." (You can file this point under analism of editors.) I invite you to help us re-tool the language of altered states with similar innovations. You're doing great work Leo! I'm not one to be easily impressed, yet I'm devouring your recent videos and sharing them widely. Your interview with Martin Ball was superb, by the way, and I suggest you do more of those. Brad Keeney would be a good guest in that regard, for shamanism. (Note that he doesn't use entheogens.) I will recommend a few books and sources in another post. I've stumbled on some real gems in the past three or four years that you'd enjoy. I'll just mention one here, which is The Psychedelic Gospels,co-authored by Dr. Jerry B. Brown (not the California governor!) who was interviewed about his book by my friend Dan Cleland on an excellent episode of the Dan Cleland Experience Podcast (DCEP). That book makes a slam dunk argument that Christianity and Paganism co-existed more or less harmoniously up until the time of the Inquisition, and that therefore the use of Amanita Muscaria and Psilocybin mushrooms was widespread among church elders. Because Brown is a mycologist (among other things) he was able to detect overlooked depictions of both mushroom strains throughout the paintings and stained glass art and iconography of the church throughout Europe. Brown has kicked open the door on what could be a whole new field of understanding Judeo-Christian mysticism. And I won't even get into the acacia species whose DMT-rich bark is found throughout the Middle East, with one example being the Acacia Nilotica that, interestingly, was depicted by the Egyptians as the Tree of Life in wall paintings.

I have been getting similar feelings about suicide lately too. It isn't entirely new to me however; I have struggled with suicidal thoughts for years. Sometimes I think I'll drive myself to insanity with my spiritual practice and the only way out is suicide. Luckily, that thought is baloney The more I inquire the more I realize that there isn't even a me that needs to die. I'm already dead! Just because there is content and sensory perceptions doesn't mean that there is a self at the center of it. They are simply just there. I can't know for sure, but if "I" were to die, then I would still be who I am, minus somethingness. So basically, you're already dead, so what's the point in suicide?

@Dan Arnautu Many depressive drunks, at times, talk in a depressive way. I used to be one. My motto at the time was "poor me, poor me, pour me a drink". I used it as justification for getting drunk. After all he did admit to this by saying " I would at least mention to him that he is still okay (a loving and supporting father when he is off the drink), well I don't know him, but from what you say it points to that. If you get a chance to talk with him in a non threatening way, find out if he actually has a 'plan' for committing suicide. If so, I would be very concerned. In Australia, and in my ex-profession as a counsellor, if a client had a definite plan, it would be my duty to tell the client that I have to call the mental health team and get them to have a chat with that person. Surprisingly, nearly every one of my clients, probably for the first time, realized that what they were planning to do was very serious. They became willing to be consulted by the team. The team are specialists in helping people to circumvent their suicidal tendencies. Also, if your father has already attempted suicide in the past, then that is also a major concern, because he will have less fear of dying. If you are having difficulty dealing with this, I would advise talking with a mental health team, or those trained for attempted suicide, to get help for both you and your father.

Hello Journal! Things have been chaotic lately! Awareness has been a bit fuzzy, I am not sure if that is because I have a lot going on or if has something to do with the solar flare that hit earth 3 days ago. I have a side hobby that involves studying the solar wind, earths magnetoshpere, and when earth goes into geomagnetic storm the effects on people around me. I have been focusing a lot since the geomagnetic storm which has caused me to neglect my awareness a bit. As far as the effects of the geomagnetic storm. Things I noticed I will put below for tracking: Linclon Park band member committed suicide right after geomagnetic storm started- Emotional disturbance is heightened during magnetic storms. Anxiety and depression in particular are heightened. My whole works network shut down for about 2 hours- Computer software issues are common during geomagnetic storms. Thunder storms have become extremely electric since the solar flare hit. I live in the lightning capital of the country USA, and the lightning has been insane. People seem very emotional- I talk to people all day long while working and every day I have had people crying and claiming mental illness since the flare hit. People I know have advised they feel excessively emotional and irritated the last few days. As far as my awareness goes I feel It has been a little fuzzy. I have been extremely focused on other things at this time. I am going to regroup and start fresh this weekend. This weekend I will be trying to keep my awareness constantly. I will also be meditating more to recenter myself since things have been hazy.

The trip I will write about is my first and only Magic Mushroom (Psilocybe Cubensis) experience so far. It happened more than 10 months ago and I slowly feel like I'm done processing what I experienced. What I did was utterly arrogant and stupid and I hope other people can learn from it as well. I took a 4,5-5g(dried) dose without having ever experienced psychedelics of any kind previously and I was alone. I was under the silly impression that because I have an easy time accessing the mindfulness state and had some spiritual insights that therefore dealing with these mushrooms would be easy. Boy was I wrong... It all already started 5 min after I ingested the mushrooms (eating the dry flesh) with me getting stomach ache and my breath feeling "weird". Those feelings continued to become more intense for me and about 10minutes in my body began to feel heavy. In restropect- I have practised to watch my breath without manipulating it way too little until this trip and the come-up made me very self-conscious about all my usually automatic body activities. At this point in time I was not able to focus on my breath without manipulating it and because of that I progressively felt more uncomfortable in my body, especially with the shrooms' body load. About 20 minutes in things started to get weird and it dawned on my that I took way too much because it would obviously become a lot stronger. My thoughts felt very agonizing to me. In retrospect I realized that I just experienced my usual thought patterns and "algorithms" but it felt so artificial and I felt disconnected from it. Also just sitting in front of my Computer felt very uncomfortable so I went back and forth between my bed and Computer without being able to find rest. About 40 minutes in I felt alive for the first time. Every sense felt clear and sharp and things smelled as though I smelled them for the first time ( the smell of fresh bread was orgasmic). Then suddenly it all made sense (in an intellectual way). I concluded in different ways (of which I non remember) that all of me and what I think of me and other people is just a story. This realization made me laugh hysterically. At that moment my laughing sounded to my spectator self like a shouting monkey and I started to completly emerge in the role of a monkey. I rolled on the floor and laughed hysterically while ripping apart a paper towel roll. After an unknown amount of time I realized that I could not be a monkey forever because I was exhausted as fuck. As I laid on the floor and catched my breath I looked into the wall and got sucked into one point deeper and deeper(I stopped breathing while I was sucked into it). I had this amazing insight that even if this body dies, there is still something.. the kind of awarness that there is when I am mindful. And It felt like I had a direct experience of exactly this. After an unknown amount of time it felt like I was just at the moment at which I would lose consciousness if I didn't breath again so I gasped for air. For a moment it felt like "I am here" again but before I could realize it I was sucked into another point and the same thing repeated. This happened some more times but after the second time I got to my bed. While I was sucked into the point I had a very hard to describe moving Kaleidoscope effect with many colors. At some time I got into a loop of me standing up from my bed, going a circle in my room and laying down again. I did this multiple times and it felt to me like I can't stop this. The fear that I would continue this for the remainder of the trip let me to the realization that time is absolute fiction. But out of delusion I thought time stopped and I am stuck in time forever. This made me think my only way to escape was suicide but I could quickly disregard this idea again. When I calmed down I stood up from my bed and when I stood there I became "one with my entire room". Though this sensation is way more complex than this cliché statement makes it sound. My sense of awarness was no longer bound to this body, it was free to whatever was inside my field of awarness. I was as much the body as I was everything in my room. I also had an amazing insight on how I project my inner world onto others. All in all I can now say that I look back very positive on this experience but for the first 1 or 2 months after the trip I got breathing problems and anxiety whenever I thought about it. It was a very difficult and intense experience that required a lot of processing but It gave me many precious insights.

This all sounds very enlightening and is a great way of seeing things to accept reality for what it is. However, the reason we're all here, I hope, is to improve the quality of our lives, and when you present this view, many people might interpret it as acceptance for their laziness and complacency which will lead do much suffering, emptiness and even suicide, because well like you mentioned - it's all good and part of universe. This is why I'd be careful posting replies like this for the question of life purpose where it can be easily misinterpreted.

@Gabriel Antonio My Ego has been suicidal for some part of my life. What I mean is whenever things go against what I like in a hardcore way, I always say. Enough! Take me! Why am I eve alive!! Do you think this kind of Ego structure would be easier or harder to bring dissolutionment to? I feel like when you say existential terror, I wanna go like : I have non-existential terror : Fear of existing I mean I want to die, I just don't want the pain cause im obvs pussy. Also I have proven to myself even without direct experience that I cannot not be, so I feel like if i suicide, im entering a russian roulette with rules I dont yet understand. (My next life could be better or worse) Thats why I want enlightenment and no next life. I just wanna chill around in space as space or something like that :-D

I feel this urge to shoot myself, to destroy myself, to eliminate myself from the surface of the earth. I don't see the ending of this. It's been this an early age that I wanted to die. I think it is a pattern in life. Suicide has always be a part of my being, of my thinking. My parents doesn't want to deal with it and ignore it most of the time. I am so tired of this world, so tired of people, so tired of this cosmos and of humanity. Keeping doing the same mistakes over and over again. And I think I'm doing the same things over and over again, it is contagious. This society contaminates me. Contaminates my purposes, my goals, my aspirations, all...