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Trying to become enlightened whilst also dealing with my little addictions (Junk food, news, etc.) and stressful life situation is overwhelming me right now. I'm at the point where thoughts of suicide are starting to feel like a real option for me if I'm being honest. What keeps you following through with concentration practice, self-inquiry, and life responsibilities when you feel like you just wanna run away from it all?

Instead of just entertaining the desire to commit suicide, inquire the feelings and thoughts that makes you think you really want that. It's only scary the first few times, after that you will see it as a joke. If you don't, you will likely be sadder and sadder to the point you would actually, for real try to commit suicide, just like every people who fear to inquire within. It's just a perspective, as hard it may feels, it's a temporary feeling that will fade away in due time.

I have concluded that I let my emotions control my actions. This is not good. Why I was considering suicide even though I decided against it already. The past few years have been really bad for me. Living in an abusive environment plus been unable to bond with other people. Parents divorced. Friendships starting and ending. Legal crap too. Unable to get a job as well. Best pet I'm ever going to have died.

Enlightenment will take you far in the other direction from suicide. So, you are looking into the right stuff.

That's because he's not. I wasn't just being a troll with my posts. All this spirituality stuff is new for him coinciding with his wife committing suicide after knowingly giving her like 3 of his STD's. He's in a bad place and he's using it to cope. At least, that's the likely explanation.

I believe someone in the comments said it best: She opened with I heard your wondering the streets looking for a girlfriend/date after he's lost his girlfriend to suicide and instead of getting angry he remained calm and kept it real. Jim knows what's up and i know exactly what his doing and been doing, planting seeds

@CuteCornDog You know, you really should have a far more positive attitude. Funerals are actually very good socially stimulating gatherings! Hopefully you can see that you can be suicidal but still want a funeral. -------------------------- Okay okay, jokes aside. Suicide is a very serious issue. . . yadda yadda yadda. . . .should be an issue taken with careful understanding and genuine compassion . . . blalalala whatever who cares? -------------------------- Okay Okay, jokes really aside, now. Seems to me that what you really need is deep self-reflection. Really deep self-reflection. Ask yourself why exactly are you having the emotions and thoughts that you're having. Do you actually know why you're suffering? I mean REALLY know why you're suffering? Really, Actually, Literally, Existentially. Don't start with asking yourself how you can stop the suffering. Really all that will do is target the symptoms and not the root. It also helps to know that everyone suffers. I'm even willing to bet that I've had more suffering in my life than you've had but that's something I can't really know for sure. The only real difference is how we each deal with it. The question is: How effective are your ways of dealing with suffering? For example, I see suffering as completely unreal and always ego-based. I find that that helps me deal with suffering in such a powerful way. In summary, try to find the root of your suffering and try to think of ways you can improve your relationship with suffering. Also, eat fruit 'cause they're healthy and delicious Yum yum.

@Outer I am already doing aerobic exercises: HIIT for 20 min approximately each 2 or 3 per week. And besides, it is not physical exercises that can improve my mood or IQ or solve my problems. I am already doing plenty of it and nothing changes. I don't think that you know who screwed up people can be: doing the same shit everyday, without realizing that you hurt everybody around you, that you have made bad choices in life and that you are paying the price every day for it, that you destroy yourself enough to be unable to get up in your head, that society, your parents and family is doing massive mind pollution unconsciously and you can't do anything about it. That you can't escape your situation. That my "middle age crisis", like Leo said in his recent video, I had it already when I was 8, then 17 and 20 and now 27 AND NOTHING CHANGED ABOUT IT!! All those fucking "spiritual growth" are fucking bullshit that a few try to persuade others so that we can make money and so they unconsciously push those group to behave like zombies so that this fucking society don't collapse. There are people who are made and have the capabilities to live. Me...no. So what, after my crisis at 27, I will have another at what...30 or 35 and it will be so strong that I will have enough courage to suicide? I will not wait that time. I have always been a coward and this is not going to change soon. I should have died when I was 17, I should have died when I was 17,I should have died when I was 17,I should have died when I was 17,I should have died when I was 17,I should have died when I was 17,I should have died when I was 17,I should have died when I was 17,I should have died when I was 17,I should have died when I was 17,I should have died when I was 17,I should have died when I was 17. This brain will never let me, never. And I will never going to be detached from judgement of people. This is my fatality. You should resign to help me, I am helpless. THe only thing that this reality can offer me is death. Soon I will be strong enough to kill myself. My parents have no idea how closed I am from death. Fear, doubt, regret, guild and death were the only emotions in my head since my childhood. I know now that it will be like this forever.

Life has decided to KO me these days. I find myself more and more intrigued by this... The thoughts in my head are looping the cathartic events that happened to *me* recently, looping Mooji, Eckhart, Rupert wisdoms that help me investigate what is happening/drop/let go of past&future and mainly, looping reminders of my *belief supported by own investigation* that there is no free will - therefore it's illogical to beat myself up for my own mistakes (?) and I should just accept what is happening fully (but then I go into why am I not accepting of suffering, so I give myself room to burst with anger, tears, etc... The thing is, sure I do the inner investigation, but this doesn't stop this story thought is weaving from being so real and true. It is so real that I am the one in the middle of what is happening, like me, some creature that is in so much pain right now because shit is falling left and right. I do feel good when I drop the thoughts and the loop ends, but my immediate circumstances remind me very quickly and the pain continues. It's not like when you forget you are without legs for example (just an example) that you magically grow legs or are ok with not being able to walk. Today, while I was having suicidal thoughts, the following peculiar thoughts while I was lying on the grass in the park: "The not me wants to commit suicide", "The not me is in pain and wants to die because he's not made for this world", "Why is the not me even alive as this if I am not supposed to be this??" Thankfully I have one good friend, a mother and a sister, without whom nothing would really be stopping me, death looks very promising tbh, but I can't inflict such pain on those who are close So how does Ego drop Ego really? It's impossible right? How does a ball drop itself... Am I the Ego or am I awareness? If I am awareness big whoop right? Everyone is addressing me as the Body, I feel the body's every pain, I feel the story's pain. I feel so much different than everyone else. I get angry at people who say they want to be different than the rest, because for me I would be so happy to just blend in and not stand out as the "weird guy" with a name nobody outside my own country can pronounce or get from the first try... I don't know really where im going with this post, mostly wanted to get it out, not that anyone will read this, I know I am a joke anyway in most people's eyes, just a mental masturbator. I need the 30-day no mental fap challenge..

I will soon begin my 8th years at college, in the same cycle...again. I just missed the train of success years ago. I know that many great discoveries and mathematical progress was made by young geniuses. They all finished their PHD or began to make a significant discovery under 23 or 25. And they were all good at school and at mathematics. Maybe not in auxiliary courses like language or history or others but all were significantly smart at a young age. Me, well I have failed my high-school, my college and wasted so much time, years at doing nothing but working for mindless jobs. At 27 years old, it is impossible to catch up all the mathematical knowledge of those gods. Plus, I am interested in a subject (tetrality) that is of the level of those geniuses. Needless to say that I can't do it. Even with 50 years I will never be able to crack that problem. I am too slow and lack a critical amount of abstraction. There are those who are born to do great things in the domain that they love, I don't belong to that group. I will endlessly do what I don't enjoy to do because I suck in what I want and love to do. That has always be my life, and because I understand more and more this universe and its laws, I will ever be my life. Nobody who has failed so many years at college and at high school has made great discoveries in science, this is well known and the person who is telling me the contrary is unadvised. Next week, I will begin college. Will I fail again? Will I be able to have the courage to suicide, finally? Will I be able to surpass my emotional barriers, to push my limits, to transcend my current condition? I am very sick to be obligated to make superhuman effort just to pass my exams and college. This is the sign that my life will never be in my control. I have too much fear, i can't feel it...I am watching porn, watching 9gag and binge on junk food. This has always been my life. And nothing will change. @NatashaYes, I am listening Ecktard Tolle youtube channel. It is very interesting and profound but many of his teachings have the same material than Leo Gura. But it is a complement and he speaks simply about the practice of mindfulness.

I think pro-social behavior and attitudes (kindness, compassion, generosity and gratitude), just like wisdom, mindfulness and concentration, are not only the results of awakening, but also skills to be consciously cultivated as part of the journey. These skills will not be perfected until awakening, but still needs to be cultivated to a certain point for awakening to be plausible. It's true the Buddha himself didn't practice compassion as part of his journey to enlightenment. He practiced samatha/jhanas , yoga and asceticism, which were the main spiritual practices in India at his time. There are, however, good reasons why he didn't advice his students to copy this path. These common practices often resulted in profound mystical experiences, but not to any significant, permanent changes. The Buddha reached awakening by coincident/luck, combined with having an unusual talent for meditation (supposedly, he mastered each Jhana faster than any of his peers and surpassed all the Jhana masters he studied under in short time) According to the Sutras: The Buddha considered pro-social behavior and attitudes as a foundation of the most reliable path to awakening. In his later, mature teachings, after decades of teaching/mentoring experience, and after gaining a solid understanding of how different practices worked for the thousands of students he had guided, he kept increasing the focus put on compassion. He even declared compassion as one of the two "wings of the dharma", alongside wisdom. His answer to examples like the "compassion" of George Bush is: the two wings of wisdom and compassion have to be balanced. If one wing is overdeveloped compared to the other, the "Bird of Dharma" will not fly. Pro-social attitudes constitute three of the four Brahma Viharas. When aspiring practitioners ask the Buddha which practice they should start with his typical answer was the practice of generosity. As one progress towards stream entry, one has to pass through the dukkha nanas. Practitioners following mechanical/technique-focused paths, downplaying the importance of compassion, often have to suffer through prolonged, painful dukkha nanas. Many give up the path at this stage. Some even commit suicide because they can't handle it. On the other hand, practitioners from the Tibetan schools, which heavily focuses on compassion, rarely report problems with dukha nanas. One typical explanation given for why these practices are so central is that without them "spiritual" practices tends to be subtly ego-based and ego-reinforcing. The practice becomes a tool for serving the interests of the Self: A pursuit for my Self's enlightenment/equanimity/mystical experiences, so that my Self will be enhanced. Focusing on other people tend to have the opposite effect: It reinforces feelings of interconnection and weakens the sense of a seperate Self. Next time you act with compassion or freely give away something, try to be mindful of how it feels. You will most likely notice a mild, warm feeling of connectedness, and a subtle temporary weakening of the sense of Self.

So usually I'm the one asking for advice but this time I think I have a valuable message to you guys out with this similar issue. I hope this helps Last night I truly felt like I was going to commit suicide. I beat myself by punching myself in the head, screaming in my car, crying, banging my head, etc. Right when all of this started though I just had this intuitive realization that just hit me - I truly want to suffer. How I'm subconsciously addicted to hating myself inside and also addicted to not let things in my past go because I simply shouldn't allow myself to let go of pain and emotional scars. I received a message from my ex (I won't go into the details of our history as that isn't relevant in the message I'm sharing nor do I need to bore you with such details) who was my first love who left me. I had asked her for some advice. I knew I still hadn't gotten over the disappointment from the breakup (which ended in May of 2016). I was still very hurt. It wasn't so much about her as it was the pain of the whole breakup. However, when she messaged me and the moment I heard the Facebook notification, I felt a shiver down my spine. I saw her message of advice. However, what triggered everything was realizing that by her giving me thoughtful advice I just got a great giant picture of how much better off she is if I'm asking her for help after she left me and I'm still hurt. It also didn't help that her profile picture is of her romantically kissing her current boyfriend who she's been with longer than she was with me (choking up a little saying that). Right after that and I felt overcome with emotion, I immediately realized 'holy fuck. I really don't want to let go of all my pain. Not just from this, but with all my trauma I've ever experienced in my life.' Although I had this breakthrough I still went down a very dark path last night. Images flashing of all my traumas. Now here's the obvious question: how did I get through this? My answer: Running. Running is my life. So what did I do? I kept crying but I went out into the pitch black, put on my running shoes, and I ran. I ran up the first trail I ever ran on. It was only 20 minutes but those 20 minutes showed me all I needed to see to breakthrough. After I finished, I let out a war cry in the dark that I'm not going anywhere. Now, I'm more determined than ever before to go out and go all out in what I want out of my life. So what's my message?... you can get through your darkest hour. Live and embody and do the thing you love more than anything in life. This addiction on my part will be overcome. @Leo Gura thank you for your video on subtle addictions. If I hadn't watched it earlier in the day yesterday, I wouldn't be here.

dude I'm the same way. I haven't let myself suffer in so long because of the newfound hope i've gotten from self development. but I suffer once every two months. and this suffering feels GOOD. SO GOOD. I remember back in my super high suicide days a year ago, I would intentionally hate on myself and pity myself and just keep doing it and it felt good to do that. I could see myself hating on myself yet I would still do it.... If I have a small problem I would be like FUCK IT I WANT TO DIE. and that feeling of self-pity and victimhood would feel good. It's like I preferred to suffer over being happy. Christ... I too would like to thank Leo for saving my life though. Without him and another youtuber, I don't know if I would be alive.

Huge belly laugh! ...I knew that!! 2 yrs to realize my true nature. ...naturally. No, I didn't spend all day in meditation. I had tried suicide prior, do to extreme suffering...the OD wasn't strong enough, after 5 days in a coma and on life support... I survived. To my suprise. So, I was highly motivated for a change!

Hello, thank you for reading this. I would appreciate any opinions on my situation, especially from anyone who may have experience with this sort of thing. I have a close friend, who we will call A, who has severe mental health issues. As context, I have been a fairly rigorous follower of personal development and enlightenment work for several years. I met her 2 years ago and we were attracted to each other. We became sexually intimate and very close, and she slowly started revealing more of herself to me, including her self harm, depression and history of suicidal thoughts and attempts. In the early stages of our relationship, I considered leaving her as I could foresee that a relationship with someone like this could get me into trouble. I did not leave her, however. Our relationship became intense, as my presence seemed to become the only thing in the world which could alleviate her mental pains. I saved her from multiple suicide attempts, acting as a 24/7 guardian at some points. This has taken its toll on me personally. Generally I am an extremely happy and content person, with the one exception of when I believe her to be upset and in danger of harming or killing herself. Which is often. When I realise she might be in danger, or even consider its possibility, I become very distressed. A while ago I had the awful job of telling her that I did not want to be in a relationship with her anymore. Somehow she survived the ordeal, and has a new partner now. She still contacts me now and again, telling me how suicidal she feels. It is an awful position for me to be in. I never know what to do, and it distresses me awfully. Obviously I care for her so much. It was just too much for me to be her suicide carer. Far too much. If she were mentally healthy I would love to spend much more time with her. How do I help her? How do I help myself? What do I do? I have a massive fear is of her successfully committing suicide. I know that if I were with her, she almost certainly would not ever be successful in doing so. But I don't want to be the person who she learns to rely upon. I would be very grateful if anybody could give me their perspectives on this and how I should approach the situation, or indeed on their own personal experience on similar situations. By the way, to my knowledge she has regular therapy sessions, so there's not much I can do by way of encouraging her to get therapy.

Heyyyyyy.... Its me. Another tiny spec of a human on this giant blue earth with illusionary problems. for the past 3 months.(well actually since 15. I am 29 now) Ive been going through alot of over thinking, depression, anxiety, negative beliefs, self sabotage. and using weed, porn,lsd and alcohol to distract myself from all this bullshit Ive created for myself. It helps for a tiny bit but as we all know it actually makes things worst. I am in a really really low point in my life right now. Its effecting not just me but everyone around me, my career. Everything. I have a fuked up aura and its all because I am having a really hard time changing. Thoughts of suicide have come up because its the easy way out for me but I know I cant do that because my family, girlfriend and friends would be so hurt. I am wedding photographer and when i am in my bestest state. Im friken good at it. but other times I just have to put on a mask and act all happy but deep down im dying and when I get home after a 15 hr day of being a happy chappy social butter fly i crash and burn for days and hate life. i live a very comfortable and easy life. I work maybe 4-6 times a month and the rest of the time I try to gym and do jujitsu. I try to catch up with friends when I can but lately I feel i get major social anxiety and feel very intoverted. I live with my parents and they dont nag me at all. They give me a roof over my head, bathroom, toilet, food and just enough money for me to be very comfortable. Ive got it so dam good. Im spoilt and my family is just above middle class. I have so much guilt because of this because I know there are others that have it so much worst then I do yet here I am with my first world problems. Anywho. in the past I have done landmark which helped for a time. Ive watched the shift by wayne dyer and Ive read eckhart tolle and i was into tim ferris for abit. that all helped me for a time but i always find myself back in hell sooner or later. Lifes been a summary of a bunch of Ups and downs and never steady. Ive taken lsd and had a massive bad trip which lead me to having a big breakthrough and death of my ego. It lead to me eating super healthy and going to the gym. I lost 6kilos and even got a tiny bit of abs. I even got inspired to give youtube a stab because it felt right and passionate. but that only lasted about 8 months untill it suddenly just fell flat on its ass.. I am now back at square one but I feel this time its even harder to figure out this next step in my life because I know exactly why i feel the way i do physically, spiritually and mentally but fuk my ego/lower self gets more cunning and evil everytime I catch me out. I am very desperate right now. I cant live like this anymore. think the way i do. its terrible. i just want to die but i dont even have the guts to kill myself. Please guys, anyone, Leo, obiwan!? Help me! Theres so much more i could be doing with my time and life and for this planet and the people around me. Would getting the life purpose course help me? I dont think I have the discipline to complete it.. i am seeing a shrink but i think i need to see another one for a different opinion. Thank you for those who have taken the time to read this. selfish me.

I'm honestly having a VERY similar struggle to this. In the life purpose course exercises, all I keep coming back to is the fact that I want to leave a legacy and impact through my creative endeavors as an athlete. Not in an egotistical way. I want to make my sport and the way I race not about beating people, but into art form that inspires people. I feel stuck because I'm like 'I don't have the genetics to be that kinda athlete.' Yes I know that's a common excuse people use sometimes but I think when we're talking about athletics (especially for me as a runner) it's a very valid one. Not to mention I keep thinking 'this feels just way too self centered because I feel like SHOULD be impacting people more directly, e.g. Coaching and what not. However, it just doesn't hit home at all. I truly want my pursuits as an athlete to be my legacy that touches people and inspires people to get out the door and get the best out of themselves because for me, running and sports is spiritual if you take it serious enough. I just love the life of being so committed to my sport. I love waking up super early like at 5am, doing meditation, having my tea, visualizing my athletic pursuits, making breakfast before the sun rises, stretching then driving out to where I'm gonna run and do my session. I get lost in the stretching, the warm-up, etc. I just connect with the life of a 100000% committed athlete who just has the desire to do it till the grave and also be self coached because I want people to be inspired to lead their own lives and learn how to be self driven. Again though, sports is different because a lot of it just comes down to if you have the genetic makeup to even reach such a level. Im doing all the visualizations, exercises, everything but I keep "should'ing" myself to be more realistic and what not. However, I love my sport so fucking much that it's always been my way out of low moments such as suicide even. My running brings the most meaning because I feel like it's a perfect metaphor for life. @Leo Gura what are your thoughts? I think this is a matter a lot of athletes struggle with and abandon their athletic passion not cause of superficial/egotistical ways, but because they don't know what to do with such a pursuit/passion.

Reincarnation has been the closest to a belief that I hold about our existence here on Earth, when I was a child I always thought about it. Not as much now, but today, I've come across Dolores Cannon and her work. She was a hypnotherapist and in her sessions she just couldn't ignore all the patients talking about past lives and she compiled all the info, wrote lots of books. In one of her books she proposed the idea of volunteer souls. After Hiroshima, these souls (free of karma) volunteered to come to Earth for the first time in three waves. The first wave is the baby boom generation, born after the war. They were kind of lost here, so although they have jobs and raise a family, they feel they don't belong. They get depression and sometimes commit suicide. The second wave, born somewhere in the 80s (she says it's difficult to draw a line) were a bit luckier. Their job is to only be, and raise the energy and frequency. She says these people heighten the spirits when they go into a place by just being in there, but they feel so uncomfortable that they prefer to stay at home, work from home etc. if they find a similar soul they get married, but probably won't have children. The third one is the children of today, mostly geniuses although some are misunderstood and diagnosed with ADHD etc. She said these children have different and better DNAs, and are probably the saviour of the Earth. Now I hope you will keep an open mind and tell me what you think. When I listened to her I thought about Leo being in the second wave, and also myself. Especially because as much as I hate to be in a room full of people, I am always told I raise people's spirits. I'm also sceptical of course. Want to hear your ideas about this. Anyone having a similar experience? A small talk by Cannon, longer ones can also be found on YouTube:

@texter 'she shouldn't commit suicide, is that true?' 'It's in her best interests to not commit suicide, can I really know that?' Contemplate these questions. They will change the way you feel about this situation. Note: I'm not saying that it's in her best interests to commit suicide, but if you contemplate these questions, you will get some amazing insights.

Don't worry, most of us who have an impasse/deadlock are not yet motivated enough to be willing to go to any lengths. Many in this situation have to get sick and tired of being sick and tired. Some even have to truly get mangled egotistically before surrendering it. And there are the unfortunate few how get so deluded by this that they end up thinking they are a mistake and rather die (suicide) than live another day with the impasse. However, there is a shortcut. Take a risk! Do the opposite. Feel lazy? well take a risk and go for a quick walk around the block. Can't set a goal? Take a risk and break your goal into smaller digestible/achievable pieces (one nail at a time so to speak). Negative self-talk? Take a risk and talk aloud your positives. Getting angry? Take a risk and calm down, be soft and gentle.

"NOTHING IN MY LIFE NOR ANYTHING I DO IN LIFE MATTERS SINCE I DON'T MATTER." In a twisted sense I'm actually happy I finally found this. Just because I've finally articulated the source after all these years of what I truly feel that has been causing all my self-sabotage and planned attempts in suicide over the years... Now, the question is... how the fuck do I eradicate this fucking thing once and for all? Yes, I know, 'challenge it.' I'm talking about on specific practical level though. Any techniques anyone has to share that can relate to this?

Need to get this off my chest and would really welcome some advice. I'm going to be all over the place here. Apologies in advance. This is probably gonna be a long story, so sit tight. When I was 10 years old, my entire family went to our home country to attend a wedding. It was awesome at the start. I loved going with my family to another country. All of us together. It was the first time in my life that I felt like I belonged with my family and it was great. That happiness was short-lived. The night before the wedding, a lot of the beds were taken up at the home we were staying at, and so we shared beds. It was me, my mom and the groom. My mom was in the middle of me and the groom. I woke up in the middle of the night. I did not move. I heard some noises. I opened my right eye. And saw my mom on top of the groom. She was fucking the groom. And she was fucking the groom, while I was in the same motherfucking bed. I mean, what the actual fuck? What sort of bitch would do that? Holy shit. I managed to get back to sleep. I woke up in the morning. The groom was leaving to get ready for his wedding. I heard him say "you're a home wrecker" to my mom. Later that morning, I saw my dad. He asked me where I slept that night. I thought it was really weird that he didn't know where I slept. I told him I slept with my mom and the groom in the same bed. He asked who was in the middle. For some reason, I knew this question to be important. So I answered "I was in the middle". I lied to my dad. And I knew I lied to him. And I lied to him to protect my family. Even now, in my twenties, I have a huge amount of respect for my 10 year old self for doing that. Top kid. I knew that had I said my mom was in the middle, he would know something was going on sexually. I was scared my family was going to break up. I didn't want that to happen. Later in the day. I plucked up my 10 year old courage and confronted my mom. The balls on that kid! I asked her about what happened last night. She lied to my face and said that the groom and her were "just talking" and gave me a hug. Fucking whore. She made a cuckold out of me and my dad. My mom is a rather volatile person. My dad is bigger and stronger than her, but she beats him and slaps him. Last year, after she slapped him a few times, he came to me in tears saying he was ready to "kill her" and rip her head off. I had to calm him down and tell him that isn't the right thing to do. And just to get a divorce. He's still with her. He's a big wimp. A big pussy. Always has been. He's a broken man. My mom slapped him up a few months ago, and he came up to my room and told me about it. What the hell am I gonna do about it, if he's not willing to do anything about it? I've been living with this secret my entire life. Only now am I telling it, on actualized.org, because I need another perspective on this. Ive blocked this memorry out of my mind for most of my life, but I've remembered it as I've started meditating and working on personal development. I'm unsure on my course of action here. I can't tell the truth of this to my family. It will rip and tear the family apart. It might even drag my dad to suicide. Like I said, he's broken. I'd rather keep this secret than tell them of it. For sure my mom never told my dad. Worse is that the groom and my dad are best friends. I saw the groom a few months ago at my grandma's funeral. We played cards. Ugh. One of the worst things is that, everyone thinks we're a normal family. But I've seen shit that tells me that we're fucked up. Everyone thinks we're the perfect family. But man, we've got some skeletons in the closet for sure. Everyone sees her as a holy religious person. But deep down she's a psycho. I regularly think about just disconnecting from my family. I think it will be healthier for me. Too much baggage. Way too many shitty memories. Not enough good memories to stay. Do I need to give them a reason for leaving them if I choose to? Or should I just do it? My heads all over the place atm. She's so nice to us now. She was horrible before. Used to lock me up the basement. Used to beat me. I was scared of these Halloween masks when I was a kid, and she knew that, so whenever I did something she never liked, she put on the mask, held me down, and made me stare at the mask. Fuck man. That was scary as hell. Then this? Putting me through that? I guess seeing her fucking the groom was my first ever sexual experience. Ugh. What would you do? Would you just carry on with life with these people as if nothing had happened? Thing is she's so nice now. Of course she is. I'm now 6 ft 2. She can't pin me back anymore. Plus, I think she's realised that she'll need people to look after her when she's old. She's super nice now. But the real side of her comes out when she's with my dad. Abuses him and everything. My dads a broken, broken man. I will not talk about this with my family. I won't reveal all this to them. I won't do that to my dad. I don't like family get togethers. Because I know I'm the only person in the room to know that this is all a lie. That this family is broken. And only I know this. Christmas with them is bullshit. My extended family look at me like "what's wrong". If only they knew the truth. But I gotta hold it in. I can see that this whole family dynamic is a complete sham! A mirage! Holding it in and staying connected to the family is harsh on me. Holding it in and leaving the family will be more just and merciful on my soul, I feel. More likely to forget about it that way as well. So should I just forgive and keep living on with them as if everything is cool. Or forgive, and then leave and go on my own? Don't wanna go to no therapist or shit. Need a course of action. Stay, or leave? They are family, though. What would you do? (If you've made it all the way here. Thanks. I realise this post was just everywhere and jittery. My apologies) Thanks in advance

@Outer I am not intelligent (the proof of that is that I failed college multiple times) so it does not apply to me. Besides, if that person was very intelligent then they wouldn't be homeless and a total failure. And suicide is a good option because that man has made probably a lot of suffering to his family or friends (because of his behavior) so suicide is good way to end this pathetic life and preserve the one you love.

I consider emperor Nero a zen-devil, too. He and Marcus Aurelius shared the same teacher, Seneca. The latter two are to be considered two of the main figures in stoic philosophy. I am not sure if they practiced some form of non-dual inquiry, but guessing from the way, they lived their lifes, I think, that they were somewhat spiritually realized. At least regarding the detachment aspect of enlightenment. But all three of them lived out their stoa in a different way. Seneca was more the yogi kind of guy and others wanted to learn philosophy from him, Marcus Aurelius went full on life purpose, becoming a great conscientious but at the same time extremely modest emperor after Neros death, and Nero himself just went all nuts, burned Rome several times and ordered Seneca to commit suicide.

I'm fifteen and my parents have crippling fears about self-actualization work . I tried to convince them but it didn't work very well and i asked (naively ) to a family friend to help me persuade them . She said that this work could bring me to suicide because i'm too young and imprudent . Now I fear this work too and i can't buy Leo's books nore the life purpose course wich i was so optimistic about. I've acknowleged that trying to convince my parents to buy these things right now is useless and i need to be more prudent and cautious with this work. Furthermore my parents are extremely aware of any unusual behaviors such as sadness and i'm scared that they could take my internet. I know that this goes against integrity but i need to know the most subtle and prudent ways i can approach this work right now ( apart from meditation and yoga )