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Living organism is afraid to die. All what living organism does is surviving. Whatever we do is aimed to live now or live more in future, and all our motivations come from this. We work to live. We create art coz we will feel more alive if we do. Whole society is structured in the way to make life better or at least people THINK their structure, system will make life better, but still it stems from desire for life. And society advances coz people want to live better. We treat deceases to live more. We fall in love to live because need for love is a need to feel alive = desire to live. We do science and try to learn new because we think knowledge will make life better = we will feel more alive, OR we learn because learning is interesting, and feeling interested = feeling alive = desire to live. We do religion to have better life, or to have better afterlife which also comes from biological desire to live. We do personal development to have better life = to feel more alive. We even self-destruct to feel more alive! We drink alcohol to feel alive, to feel good. We harm ourselves, we blame ourselves or beat ourselves up because we want to fix something in order to improve life and feel more alive eventually. We even commit suicide coz it is one way of dealing with problems and dealing with problems = improving life = desire to live, so we kill ourselves because we want to live! Very paradoxical. So our whole life is simply a run to win some more time in this world, getting some more life for yourself or for whoever you identify with, for your family, kids, friends, countrymen, homo sapience species, any living organism, planet Earth (that's why we care about climate change). We pursue enlightenment to know the truth, to be happy, and why we naturally want this truth or this happiness? Because we will feel more alive. Truth is nice, right? Truth will ultimately make you very bad? No, Truth will make it very good for you. Desire for absolute truth is desire for life, for more life, for having this very moment constantly. Life is all about life, and desire for truth is all about life, all non-living things don't care about life, and all living only care about life. Our cells are charged with energy, plus and minus, and it is scientific fact. Positive and negative energy, ying and yang, life and death. Cells have negative energy so they can die out to create new cells, but this have its limits for human. But not for all animals, there are some animals who never age like Greenlandic whale, naked mole-rat and some others. They can die though in this wild world but not from ageing. So doesn't all that mean that the point of life is to live forever and living organism is not necessarily designed to die eventually, and what Jesus and Buddha tried to make is a manual of eternal life for a living organism, all nirvana and heaven notions??? Was it not the manual of creating heaven on Earth, right here, right now with your own mind and body? And heaven is where your are young, happy and live forever. What if they saw that heaven is possible on Earth? What if they implied not only achieving understanding and experiencing of infinity, eternity but actually living forever as a human-being in your own body. They gave us some diet advices, some good habit advices, good behaviour advices etc which all aimed on making us to get into heaven state. Of course their knowledge was limited comparing to what we have now. The truth and enlightenment are not enough, I guess for this matter you have to have your whole life to live in certain way, like super-healthy, not living in bad ecology, only drinking some very high quality water etc. I understand that life and non-life dichotomy or borderline only exist as illusion within absolute. But can we make a thought experiment? What if absolute infinity is sort of a life within nothingness which is sort of a non-life. Absolute infinity wants to live forever, while nothingness doesn't care. Interesting fact, meditation slows down ageing, I guess enlightenment even more. But what if there is more to enlightenment, deeper and deeper enlightenments? Longer and longer, until you constantly experiencing bliss and happiness, and peace? And what if there is a stance that will make your body to stop age and die, and make your cells to reproduce without limits? Of course, given that your lifestyle and environment is healthy in all terms. I mean, if some animals like naked mole-rat have gone trough evolution and now don't have genes that is responsible for ageing, thus staying eternally young, why can't human do this without waiting for evolution? So, can we say that human-being only desires to live forever, i.e. to live in this moment infinitely, and actually able to live forever? Coz 'human being was created in the image and likeness of God', and God is infinite. I want you to realise that your rationalisation of acceptance of eventual death doesn't matter coz your instincts will always make you to try to survive even when you are on your deathbed. You can even feel that you accepted death and feel that you had a nice life, but on your deathbed - your body will try to do anything to live one more moment and one more moment and so on for infinity. Just like the universe. Sorry for my english, i hope its all clear

@Anna Konstantaki Chances are that when you will free yourself from these lies, compulsiveness and mental dead ends, you won´t even stray so much for what you think it is that you need. If I translate correctly, you want that I give up what I want in life? Then, ok. Everyone wants that I quit, that I stop pursuing what I consider to be the right thing to do. Well guess what...I already quit! And guess what? I fucking regret it!! I understand now, people want that I quit so that I can "be in peace". Let's just be in the present and not pursue desires!!! fucking idiots! @Outer If you do take psychedelics, lay down, take it, close your eyes - play the associated music track, meditate, the substance will last for 6 hrs. You are psychos!!!! LSD, drugs and shrooms are potentially destroying the structure of the brain!! A Proof is the actual shape I am right now. All you want to do in this forum is to use psychedelics because you don't know any better to improve your life, you psychos!!! This forum, personnal development, journalism and all on that forum is shit. I have made no progress with that. When you are screwed up, you are screwed up period!! I'm nearly 30, with no experiences on the job market, the only option in this competitive world is shitty jobs for the rest of my life, period!!! I quit all of you psychedelics-eaters and accept-yourself-persons. Fuck you all! Suicide is king, suicide is love, suicide is the answer! Farewell once and for all!

david and goliath. I'm not sure if I'll be able to rise up out of my own bullshit. I think I've reached my last leg. I'm tired and lonely as fuck. I feel like nothing's changed. I've meditated, stretched, breathed, read hundreds of books, tried pursuing a higher purpose with music for three years. I even went out and busked in front of hundreds of people on a busy street on several occasions. But nothing will remove the guilt of my friend's suicide. Nothing will remove the endless rage I have for my father and my brother. Nothing will remove the anguish I feel when I contemplate life's utter lack of meaning. Nothing will remove the sense of deficiency I feel constantly. Nothing will remove the inner critic that tells me that I suck at making music and that I should quit like I did a decade ago. From what I (barely) remember (seriously, I can hardly remember my past), I used to feel joy as a kid. I also used to cry a lot, but I used to feel genuine joy. Now, I can barely feel my feet. They're cold and sometimes numb. There's a tension deep in my navel that's been around since the suicide, and I haven't been able to go to the bathroom without assistance from an enema. Talking to my parents is like talking to fucking automatons. Especially my Dad. All he does is hoard, protect, hoard, protect, perpetuate his identity, rinse, repeat. All is logic to him, and little does he realize that his emotions are telling him that. Do you know how frustrating it is to try to communicate with someone like that? It's like trying to talk to a broken record. Like someone from another dimension. And I hold my tongue as much as I can, because money. The slimy, manipulative fuck that I am. And now, here I go again. As I'm drowning and sinking back down into the depths, I come back to this forum platform. For what? Do I really expect someone to throw a line out for me? To give me some magical bullshit word-formula that I've already heard in the 100+ books I've read? What the hell do I want? Nothing? Then what the fuck am I doing? What's the point of living if I don't even want anything? What's the point of trying to drive a car that doesn't want to start? I have a doc appointment in ten days, but I don't really expect too much, since it's a western doctor. He'll probably say it's depersonalization or DTD and give me some tranquilizers with questionable side effects so I can continue to plod along and chew my cud like all the other somnambulistic zombies (i.e. my family) out there. Treating symptoms not causes, as per usual. It's so sad. This physical, social, emotional and spiritual disconnection. Part of me wants to give life and everything a great big hug. But then there's the other part that doesn't want to be hurt again, doesn't want to be rejected again for the 10487th time and reminded once again that he's a defective piece of shit. But it's already too late, since he believes he's a defective piece of shit and it seems that no amount of mirror affirmations or inner child work will fix that. The fears are endless, and the walls are high. I've got no other enemy but myself. David and Goliath. At least I have this beaut of a song.

@cetus56 That is true, I have actually heard a few stories like that.. I'm not sure if you're familiar but that kind of reminds me of the Johnny Cash story, from memory it was a similar situation where he'd been with his wife for a lifetime and they both passed together within a short space of time. Obviously the desire to live had truly fallen away, much like the case with your Mom it seems (thanks for sharing some insight with that story as well). - I think that is a great and concise explanation of what is going on here.. I remember seeing the video where Sadhguru tells that story, it may have also been in this one (video below) where he tells a story of how he helped an elderly man perform his mahasamdhi in front of a small crowd including police officers, who had come after hearing this man 'was going to commit suicide' haha, thought that was quite funny. I've heard him talk about this 'final conscious exiting whilst alive' many times.. not just in relation to others but to himself and his advanced practitioners as well (pretty sure there was another story as well where he was scrambling to find some food to keep him in desire/the body, otherwise he says he would've slipped out). I know it's definitely in this one wear he talks about the use of the copper ring I mentioned in my initial post... - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CSthgmU3xtE

Entry 224 | Drive Theory: To be driven as a person means to have a clear mental picture of the person you intend to become. Applying it: Make sure a single day doesn't go by where you aren't focussing on the long-term future you are destined for. Without intending to go on an ego field trip with this topic, it has to be said that throughout my teenage years into adulthood, one quality that has never changed within myself is drive. A drive that recognises everything that is possible whilst also being present with where I am now. Ever since that so-called crisis situation with my friends back in early secondary school, I knew that I was destined for better things than what were happening at the time. Potentially even great things. And once again, it's not to suggest any egoic desire to be greater than everybody else because I've since reasoned that we are all equally worthy, special and great in our own way. The point here is that rather than giving up and denying my own worthiness to live a great life, I always embraced the possibility of a better tomorrow. And it certainly did the trick. I'm here, right? But what influenced that decision? Especially given that my emotions around that time were severely distressing, if there was ever such a thing that could transcend the suffering, it had to be nothing short of powerful. It had to be a cause worth dying for because anything otherwise may have led to suicide. And indeed it was one of the mots powerful moments of my whole life. I remember exactly where I sat in the diner of a caravan park near Leamington Spa, listening to the music of a guitarist who would become my first source of inspiration. What happened? I realised that if this guitarist can have such an inspiring career, then so could I. In that moment, I created a powerful vision for my own personal future. From that day on, I strove to become the guitarist and performer of my dreams. And all of the best decisions in my life so far have been fuelled by this decision: the desire to shred, the desire to learn guitar pieces that even my teachers felt were too difficult, the urge to learn to play the acoustic guitar, the desire to study music at university, the willingness to audition for (and eventually win) a performance scholarship whilst at university, to perform devilishly hard pieces from all of my guitar idols for my final-year recital, to constantly write and perform new music, to pursue a career as a performing musician. The transformative power of a strong vision must not be underestimated. My vision is so strong that it has remained intact for a solid 9 years leading up to right here right now. And it feels wonderful. My gratitude is immense for my younger self who managed to create this life right now without even being aware of the wonders he was working. And just like I have done for 9 years, there's only one thing I can do: keep the faith. Pick of the day:

Very very confronting. And to some extend dark. You can use this analogy on a micro scale in terms of suicide for example. Even though the ego is a source of suffering... We don't hate life THAT much. And what is there to like without suffering? This contrast gives birth to meanings we attach onto things.

Just notice that there is no danger, really. It´s not like tiger and drug dealers are chasing you. You are not gonna die. Dont play with suicide when you are 19. Nothing lasts in this world, everything is changing constantly. If you feel like this 20 years from now, then you have my permission to cash out. But, now try to relax a little bit and then try every method. (shrink, meds, etc.)

You got me a bit wrong... I am 19 years old and I dont want to take meds because no matter how bad I am, I want to stay as natural as I can, I just cant do that to my brain. I am young and my brain is still in a state of evolving. Moreover the fear of the sideffects is so overwhelming, if I'd take them, it would put me into a state of guilt, dont know why, but I would feel guilty. When I'd have a plan for suicide, I would take them, I dont have one yet. I am just at a point where I figure out, if this life is still worth living. Yeah in 3 weeks I am seeing a therapist. @Nahm Honestly, my perspective right now is unbelievebly limited. I can barerly get out of this perspective that I am destined to suffer and this is all my destiny. I dwell on destiny every day. I read so much spiritual stuff and I told myself, I will only get through this when my ego dies. I worried about all this stuff that my mind is in a state of irrationality, confusion, escapist. Since I've had this terrifying attack because of the thoughts of future and that I kill myself if it gets unbearable, my sense of self is so hazy, I feel like I lost myself in time and that with time running forward, I will lose myself even more until I dont know myself anymore. Thats the reason I have a massive anxiety of time (sounds kinda funny, but it isn't at all)... This thought creates pain in me. But when I somehow get totally present, being fully aware of these thoughts, the pain dissolves, but as soon as I get unconscious about them, the suffering gets worse and worse. Last time I was in a state of consciousness was in mid-september, but I came to the (bad) conclusion that consciousness alone cannot be the only cure. Since I've had this attack, I have a constant fear that I will kill myself accompanied with an intense agony. But somtimes I ask myself: is this shit all a bluff, is this pain self-inflicted? vs this "voice" in your head could be true, dont leave it alone" I am worried because I recovered from anxiety by not believing my thoughts, but now it just seems like I cant stop listening to them and believing them. It is like I have the urge to suffer. I just cant go on like this, I dont know what I am going through, but it is freaking scary and I am confused to the bone, because NO ONE can give me a rational answer to what I feel, not even me. It just feels like I should not be here anymore, everything seems odd, music, TV etc...

It's your choice, bud. If the meds work correctly, yes they kind of zombify you, but that's only a temporary numbing of your extreme negative psychological experience of life. That allows you to take more action than you would have previously. If you're really on the edge with the suicide stuff and you're not able to integrate better behaviors and patterns into your life because your too depressed they are an option that can help you get beyond that. After a while you can simply get off them and stop being a zombie when you feel appropriate. It can be a good option for people like you, but again it is your choice. I just hope you're not irrationally shrugging this off as an option because it could really help you.

Considering the last time Leo was late for a video a few weeks ago, I found that someone had jumped from an apartment complex in Vegas and wondered what the hell was going on! Then a few weeks later, we get yet another massacre, except this one being the first on Trump's watch. They said the killer was wealthy & a professional gambler, making money hand over fist, playing $100 hands at Poker. I figure he was a highly functioning sociopath that lived for cheap thrills. I bet he had thought about performing a massacre over the past few decades whilst contemplating suicide, a similar mindset that serial killers have: they want to be caught or dead, they want it to be sensational, & it's all done for thrills. Like serial killers, or sociopaths, they don't have any feelings & because of that, they can't have any compassion for anyone. It's still quite bizarre that someone who had everything they could want would act this way. I wonder if he had killed anyone else before this. And the body count is rising...

I appreciate your help. But my brain just seems to be incapable of absorbing any kind of information or wisdom. I am confused to the bone, docs wanted to keep me in the hospital. I just sat there saying I cant explain how I feel. I just am. I am just empty. I feel nothing at all. I said I have fear of time. They kinda laughed. I dont have plans for suicide. But now I am in a state where I dont know whats right or wrong, if I should swallow this pill prescribed from the doc or just continue. I have fear it will trigger DPDR again, and I am then not able to control myself.

Listen to some Alan Watts. His wisdom and warm voice may calm you down. It may help you realize that it doesn't actually matter at all whether you kill yourself or not...... it's pointless to kill yourself and it's pointless to keep living,... so if everything is pointless, like i tell you, really, absolutely nothing that happens matters at all *except for those happenings you attach yourself to and apply your own constructed meaning (which by the way right now to a large degree is determined by society/culture/your parents, you're just not aware of it, so technically not your own meaning)* ... then why not just stop doing anything (including killing yourself, inlcuding being upset over your monkey-mind that won't quiet down, just let it do its thing man, don't be so upset over it) ?? I mean litterally... just stop everything you're doing and just watch what happens... when your body gets hungry, naturally the body will do what's nessecary to get food, when your body is tired, naturally it will sleep, when "the person" you think you are, but which is just an illusion, is sad, it will cry, and so on and so on. In other words, if everything is completely pointless and meaningless, including suicide and living, then why the hell not just stick around for a little longer and play the game of life? The tides could change, it could be more fun at some point. Since you're so low right now, it doesn't take much for you to get to a 'high', since a 'high' is only defined in contrast to 'low'. Since you obviously will die eventually (no matter what; either you kill yourself, you die of age, you die in an accident, or you die of a disease) why fear what's going to happen? Why not do something crazy? Don't be afraid to set your mark on the world, don't be afraid to follow your crazy dreams, don't be afraid that other will laugh of you, don't be afraid of failing, cos in the end; you will die, and all you did/didn't will not have mattered anyway, so don't be afraid man... there is litterally nothing to be afraid of. Of course if a tiger comes out of the woods, you will be afraid, but this is a natural reaction. Right now, you're afraid of unnatural, conceptually, ego-created, society-created reasons... throw those reasons away, they're not natural. Read my quote from Alan Watts in my signature, trust what he's saying is right, and then go search alan watts and youtube and begin listening to the old man. doesn't matter which video/speak you start with, everyone are golden.

My thoughts are based on the past. Those suicidal thoughts traumatized me to the bone. I thought I'd die to suicide soon and since I didnt do it, I constantly get thoughts that I should have done it. These thoughts put me instantly in the past and since these automatic suicidal thoughts my time perception has been so odd. I cant even do something, even listening to music without having the thought that I should have died. This feeling is just unbearable and automatically creates an abnormal and doomed fear of the future, I feel like I will lose myself completely in future. I cant imagine future and past anymore, they dont seem logic to me anymore, just a big blurr. My mind is just completely worn out and in a constant fog, completely emotionally numb. I dont know who I am anymore.

I want to start with truffles but want to get sure that everything does not go wrong. On the internet some people say that there were reports when people were committing suicide because of shrooms. Can this happen on small doses and with truffles? Also I want your advise about environment: Is it better to be in a dark room or light? Do I need sitter for a first time? (I don't have one) What is the worst possibility for 15 g truffles? Is there any possible way to stop trip if it goes bad? any tips of how to use the trip time? (techniques, meditation, inquiry..)

Hi, I am 19 years old and my mental-suffering and spiritual journey started in February when suddenly Derealisation and Depersonalisation hit me out of the blue (probably because of prolonged stress). Very traumatic time, but I managed to get over it, graduated during my worst anxiety times, constantly felt detached from the world and people. It vanished when I let go of control and accepted it. I became more and more aware of my thoughts. Actually, I am a bit grateful, because this time taught me a lot about myself, but it definitely left its traces. Many people who recovered from DPDR say they have a much better life after it, but it somehow distorted my perception of the world, because I know that I was in this "movie/dream world" for a long time. But DPDR is over now, and I have to accept it as it is now. Well, my anxiety vanished more and more, I was just depressed sometimes after it. And I didn't know that it just would get started. During the second half of July, I developed a strange time anxiety/phobia, I just wanted the time to stop and I didn't want the future to come. It all climaxed in the beginning of August. You know, when you have DPDR, you have a warped sense of time and time runs. My time anxiety is based on the fact that I somehow don't have memories of the last months, I feel like I was thrown on this earth without a sense of time. I googled: "feeling trapped in time", "feeling stuck". This time thing just occured, it didn't bother me much before the end of July. I felt so lost, still feel like this a bit. I just continued living, I was sure that I was 100 percently over anxiety and panic. But slowly and steadily another thought creeped in, and it was the first time I experienced this incredible and terryfing wave of pain and panic, not really anxiety as I knew it. Automatic suicidal thoughts. I literally projected myself into the future that I will commit suicide if it becomes unbearable. The "funny" thing was that I was fine, not good, but DEFINITELY NOT FEELING LIKE MY LIFE WAS MEANINGLESS. Those thoughts were automatic and I was sure I wouldn't act on them, but my mistake was that I did all to prove them wrong. They soon ruled my life, and combined with time anxiety, I was trapped in a terrible cycle of depression and pain. I thought that I was determined to commit suicide and I was a victim of this feeling, not knowing what to do. It was really the worst suffering I have ever experienced, until my mind suddenly shut off all my negative emotions, it was a mild anhedonia, incapable to really feel something. I was in a total blankness. I am glad that it happened, because it offered me the opportunity to realize how fucked up my mind was. The time before TOTALLY distorted my reality and sensations. A really dark place with a constant “resistance feeling”. Now I am here, fortunaley I am doing better now, but thoughts about time and past still creep in and I feel like I walk on thin ice. Honestly, I sometimes feel like I shouldn’t be here anymore (although I used to love life and deep inside, I still do!) and I have many difficulties in making sense out of time. I look at the date and a strange wave, well a mixture of despair and confusion runs through my body and leaves me depressed, like really depressed. I’ve gradually lost all my interests during the last weeks, because I constantly reacted on the thoughts. My awareness faded too, to a point where I was in a state of deep unconsciousness, where I even felt detached from my breath, my mind was in a constant blankness. I was unable to meditate. Meditation was only a measure during my worst times, when I suffered very bad from anxiety to give me some relief, but it was never on a daily basis. So I started it now on a daily basis as well as exercising, but I am afraid to fall back in this dark place although I already see many benefits, and I am able to observe myself again, which I am really proud of. But still I have a feeling of being stuck between past and future and I really don’t have a sense of self. I read “The Power of Now” what didn’t give me more information than I already had. I also don’t know if it is really worth it to go to a therapist, because I cannot really describe how I feel sometimes. They would probably diagnose me with Major Depression or so… I think I have self-inflicted trauma because of my 24/7 brainfuck which ruined my life and got me to the rock bottom of my life. Also because I cant really accept that it is how it is and that I have an odd time perception. A monkey mind at its worst. I am able to work every day, but I am afraid that I will fail when I start college in two weeks, because I am in a constant daze. Any help appreciated. Sorry for my bad English, I am from Germany

@Principium Nexus good question about embracing my flaws. Maybe I'm not quite ready yet to totally do that. I don't believe I'm insane, but I'm afraid I might seem that way to others. I think the psych meds will help me as a temporary fix until I can recover my body. My diet, exercise, and sleep schedule have been trash for a long time and I think it contributed largely to throwing me off balance. I naturally have a seemingly athletic build, and Ive never been told by a physician to change my diet or exercise. But how would they know all I eat is junk? My physical tests all come back ok (probably also helps that I'm young, 22 years old). Seems kinda like how crazy "normal" behaviors go undiagnosed in the realm of psychology. Anyway, once I get grounded in a healthier routine I think I will gain more confidence to embrace myself and eventually come off of the medication. After all, it's better than commiting suicide.

Hello everybody, I'll try to keep it short, I already started topics of this, and started gaining distance from my parents but something occurred. My parents got attacked by their dog which sent them to the hoapital in bad conditions, right now my mother has her arms messed up and her husband is much worse, he is in a coma and lost one arm, I don't know if he will survive, right now Im taking care of everything because they are too messed up. The dog trainer blamed them for what happened so I'm trying to save the dog and he will start rehabilitation soon. I'm afraid if I just disappear from their life my mom will comit suicide, should I keep going through this thing or should i just dissappear because it's been years of trying without any succes?

I've studied personal trainer and got lots of formation, because I love fitness but that have'nt make me successful in this area an I'll tell you why. Nowadays it doesnt matter how much passion you've got in sport. Being a coach or a trainer is being a salesman, persuade people, make them thing they need your service so bad, and that is against my principles. I hate sales and going behind people trying to trick their mind, I just want to coach people who are truely interested. If you are franchisee with a gym you have the pressure and stress to recruit lots of customers. And if you work for yourself the insurance is gonna kill you, and there are going to be months without benefits. It depends on the facilities which your country has for enterpreneurs. I live in Spain and here it's a suicide. You are right that it's hard to get credit when you are young with zero to little experience. Try to get a inferior job and when you got a full idea of how this world works go for it.

Damn. Well I don't feel at ease knowing that Erlend's advice here conflicts with everyone else's. Even if I gained complete independence from my parents, I am still not sure if entrepreneur ship could really become a suicide path for me.

That sounds like a huge change, but in the end there doesn't seem to be another opportunity. Honestly, I already considered going to a monastery or so. I believe in the energy of the presence of those people. In one week, I start studying industrial engineering, but I consider myself incapable of integrating, my reality is clouded. I cant even imagine learning because I am really blank most of the day. I've worked in a really boring job since August which was supposed to distract me, but after 8 weeks it left me much worse than before. Man before all this mental sh*t in February, I dreamt of studying, I looked foward to a bright future. But all I want now is definitely not the future. It would tear me down if I failed studying. But I've always been a massive worrier, therefore I considered DPDR to be my awakening. But I am still dwelling on this, on my inner voice that wants me destroyed since August and I dont know why. All I did was dwelling very much on the suicide of Chester Bennington and before I've always wanted to be cured BEFORE August, but it didnt happen and that was another thing which threw me off the track. I asked one, lets say awakened and very aware Dude who helped me through my anxiety times, and he told me that it isnt important to know, that I should let silence answer my worries. All I can focus on the whole day, whether it is during work or at home, is the inner mess, which distorts my perception of the past and the future. Sometimes I feel guilty, because I cant appreciate my life as I actually should. There are millions of other teens that would give everything for the life I'm living. One of the few things that keeps me alive is the appreciation, that my town isnt bombed 24/7, that I actually have everything, food etc.. what other people dream of. I also hate self-pitying and that I do it so often. But that all doesn't change much regarding my mental state. Whilst meditating I notice myself automatically believing those thoughts like "I shouldnt be here anymore". But how can I "disbelieve" thoughts that are already deeply embedded and believed? Does anyone have experiences with "the art of living happiness" program? Or more exactly Sudarshan Kriya? I think that would be a first step.

Here i am, after 1 week of binge on porn, drugs, procrastination, junk food, endless masturbation... still here, back to square one. Every time I want to get up my brain doesn't want to. Every time I swear to not doing it again, I find myself in the exact same opposite. I did this for 3 years... And I don't progress at all. I am again failing to remember my lessons at college. I fail to be able to solve problems. I am only capable of doing middle school stuff now. My brain has so much decayed for the last 5 years. My IBS is getting worse, despite all the precautions I am taking (betaine HCL, probiotics, L-glutamine). I know that my destiny is suicide. It is clear in my mind. Nothing as been more clear than that. I will soon quit college, find a shitty job (that's what I do best, doing things that I don't like and abandoning things that I like. But not everybody are suited to do what they want, this is life, survive of the fittest), buy a gun (seems very easy by the way even in France, even if media said that it isn't) and shoot myself in the mouth (near the cerebellum). This is my fate, I know it deep down. I knew a friend of mine (from a long ago), he committed suicide at 25. He was very smart but drugs took his life. He made the right decision I guess. His act was a message for me: suicide is the only option. He knew that this world will destroy him gradually and rob him of all his dreams and aspirations. He was clever than me and realized the nature of the horror of the world: I should have done as he did sooner. My life purpose is crystal clear: leaving this world. Because I am tired, because since my 6 I tried and tried and no progress at all. Because I am too sick, too damaged by drugs, IBS, anxiety, depression, constant pain in the teeth, countless failures that will never be compensated (my IQ is dropping like mad every single year), my wasted youth, my wasted time, my wasted dreams and my failure to invent the tetrality logic system. Hello Creator, look at what you have done to me, hello parents, look at what you have done to me, hello me, look at what you have done to me. Even if have worked hard to get better, I will never be able to get up. Things of the past haunt forever a human being (and saying the contrary is pure deny). Hello Creator, I hope to never see you, I hope to far far away from you, because you broke me, like countless others for your sadistic pleasure. Hello Creator, I will soon see you. Hello Creator, I hope to destroy you.

@How to be wise Sure. I think it depends on how you want to define the term "science." Is Leo's work a science? What about in the broad sense of science? I think the biggest problem that Enlightenment faces is that people are so scared of death that they will never embrace death, which is what Enlightenment is: The death of the illusion of life. It takes a leap of faith to face-down our own Egos, and also a lot of courage and emotional-labor. What is the difference between science and knowledge? Maybe instead of trying to pidgeon-hole Enlightenment Theory as a science, we become ok with it just being knowledge. Or maybe we stop needing to label or categorize it in a meta way period. The theory works -- and at least in the way that Leo explains it, it is already rich in both breadth and depth. So, I think we already have what you think we need. It's just that Enlightenment needs (1) outstanding teachers; and (2) people willing to do the work. Those are the two key variables as I see it. On a separate note -- I think it's a fascinating question though about whether Enlightenment is a way to save the world. Think about it -- if the world is a dream, who are you saving? You are playing a video-game in your own mind. There are no Egos to reform. Instead of saving the world, you are just watching a dream unfold. See? Enlightenment goes deep. People don't want to believe this stuff. Enlightenment is basically telling people that their lives are not real. If you're stuck in the ego-paradigm this is gonna sound like death before death -- like killing yourself before you die, which sounds crazy. From the egoic perspective, Enlightenment looks like a life for losers who can't handle life and thus need to think it away. To the Ego, Enlightenment looks like the ultimate way to stick your head in the sand in life -- a systematic denial of reality. Like committing philosophical suicide. Egos might think that Enlightened folks are just people who want to die but don't have the balls or ovaries to take their own life for real. Or maybe they believe that Enlightened people are a bunch of losers: loafers who have conned themselves out of being successful in life through a kind of silly rationalization. And you wonder why more people don't pursue Enlightenment? Well, Enlightenment smells like poo to the Ego. It's like -- who would keep a bunch of mosquitoes as pets? Let 'em fly around the house? Probably not, right? You're gonna get ur ass bit badly! Same with Enlightenment. Ego-death hurts. Enlightenment is gonna be counter-intuitive by its very nature.

@Dodo the point i'm trying to make is no one gives a fuck (excuse my language) just think about it morality (Whats good are or bad) has nothing to do with smoking. ..............I'm actual pretty calm I smoke because i find it beneficial .... beneficial equal Good THINK ABOUT THIS - Who decides whats good are bad........??? You do Your alcohol addiction is only good if it you truly believe it is. Bad if you truly think its bad. How would I consider something good: If your not hampering anyone or the environment at large at carryout their natural/desired function. And this is from a moral stand point. And Again if something prevents you from committing suicide personally i would consider it to be good. Would love to hear you response

@The Monk @Prabhaker nothing really has a meaning; bad or good. only the meaning you assign to it. I would consider smoking a good habit if it stops you from contemplating suicide. but one can consider it a bad habit if your a ten year old kid with your future ahead of you.

@Mad Max How have I fitted in?Well..I'm not that sure.I've recently found out that my father abused me physically one time in my earliest years of life and for a long period of time I was afraid to even come near him.Eventually,I started to become emotionally attached to him and started to love him..but I remember that most of the time I've had a kind of resistance feeling towards my father..Like..whenever I had to do something with him,I've felt a resistance..maybe it's because of the time he abused me.My bigger brother..I remember he didn't let me express myself..Like making noises when playing with toys or talking to my toys..or running around..things like this.And he did this most of the time.I remember that I became very silent at some point because of this..being afraid/annoyed when he showed up because he would forbid my self-expression and telling me that only retarded people talk to themselves.Being the first time I write and remember my childhood..I realize that this might have caused me to become so introverted....My mother was loving most of the time..Except the times when things were going bad(financial,emotional matters) and she was spilling her frustration on me by shouting loudly..Other than that my childhood was pretty dull .I don't remember doing anything exciting..the Kindergarten years were nice..even tough I don't recall that much I know that I truly enjoyed them..I think it was the best part of my life..I was having fun with the other kids..no one was stopping me from doing anything. Pfff...Now I realize how important would be to go to therapy..But heey..I'm 17,I have no fucking money,I can't get a job because my parents would not let me to,and most recently can't even study properly because of self-doubt/hate issues,low self esteem and anxiety.It's so damn hard to heal myself emotionally..I see that now.The worst of all,I don't even have hope for myself in any way..The only reason I am going forward is not to get more miserable than I am now..because if that happens I will most likely end up commiting suicide or living a very shity life.Not that I would care that much(I don't care about myself)..but I care about my mother.I can't stand the thought that she would see me how low I've fallen..So yeah,I am trying to get up for her..not to make her suffer. Life truly sucks and there is not a light at the end of the tunnel..not even a drop..God fucking dammit.