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As the title says, I’ve lost all hope in my sex, social, and romance life. I’ve getting help in this, but nothing has helped me. Therapists have failed. Meditation and enlightenment and finding my life purpose take way too long. What’s a quick and easy way to get rid of this heartache. If I didn’t have a family I would seriously consider suicide as a viable option. I really mean it.

The universe doesn't always know what it's doing. It's so hard to be in the present when there's so much uncertainty out there. It's sometimes scary. That's why I occasionally contemplate suicide. I am tired of living with all of this unpredictability.

Is not everybody's main purpose to survive? Why do we try so hard to survive and to avoid pain if eventually we will die? Is not the whole existence pointless and impossible to have a point? Should not human beings, who unlike other creatures have mind, commit suicide? Is there a global purpose or meaning? Do you mean by unknown that never can be known? Because if we did not care unknown we would have never evolved.

So, I got around to watching Leo's Does Free Will exist right after watching his latest one. At the beginning of the video, I was open minded as usual and agreed to all if not most of what he was talking about. Usually at the end of Leo's videos, while he's concluding the video and giving practical advice, I get the sense of "everything will be okay," even though we just beat down the ego. But in this video, it was different. I started to become depressed, just as how Leo predicted. I started to wonder "Then what was the point to this whole thing?" I was questioning all the spirituality work I've been doing. What was the point of working on the ego when at the end, you won't have control over what happens? A bit after, I started to consider suicide because I've been working on all this spirituality thing because I knew that life would be much relaxing when you're more aware/conscious. Yes, I did have that for a long while but now, it's like all that work was leading to no where. This is how I'm thinking about at this moment: even when I gain more awareness with what's happening in my mind, body, environment, I can't do anything about it. SO THEN WHAT WOULD HAVE BEEN THE POINT OF ALL THIS WORK?! Right now, I've somewhat calmed down and started rethinking this whole thing so that there's a happy ending. So, I started considering the possibility: what if what this really means is that you still have to try to do things or else you'd just be a bum BUT you just have to be aware of the fact that your not the one choosing to do any of these. And with this awareness, you can become more "enlightened." I also started thinking of the possibility that it could also mean that even if you still try, just know that things won't always go correctly, so there's no point on beating yourself over it. And that whatever comes by and happens "to you" just keep in mind that it's not really happening to you, it's just reality happening and you don't have any will over it, so there's no need to beat yourself over it. These "happy endings" I got to really gave me more assurance that this work still has something more to it. Nevertheless, I'd love to hear of what they're reaction was to the fact that there is no Free Will and how you dealt with any egotistical resistance that may have occurred. I'd also love some feedback on the "happy endings" that I got to. Are they even close to possible?

At some point, you don't even have the energy for anything (including suicide) but in many way you don't really survive anyway. For me it was like this, during my childhood and teenage years I was extremely addicted to playing video games. So all my friendships most of which I meet online in these games were incredibly shallow. After getting though high school I stop playing video games and in the process lost these "friends" and I came to the realized that my social skills IRL were basically nonexistent. Therefore I couldn't make new friends and so the "fun" begins. Have you had friend in the past? How old are you and what do you do(study, work or unemployed etc)? How do you spend your free time(for fun)?

@Hardkill very good. you're getting closer. drop all of that. also, drop the suicide thing. allow yourself to let go of everything. EVERYTHING. get used to being lightweight. it's freedom. you have no obligations whatsoever.

@Nadosa I marked up all the problems you stated not to judge you but to show you that your body and mind are screaming that there is something very wrong. I do not know if it was a trauma of some sort or the onset of a mental illness. Ether way it is not your fault. Secondly trusting people here as qualified professionals is a mistake. We can encourage and help you find options but that is about it. My experience with suicide is such that I have known two people that attempted it and one of them succeeded. I also worked at a shelter and crisis line for people like yourself. Even with that experience I am not qualified. People stop seeing options and feel trapped then they only see one option. Suicide is not the answer. This way you are feeling is not a permanent state. I get you feel trapped frustrated depressed anxious and fearful. I completely understand you want instant change to make the pain stop. The fact that you even posted here is a good thing it means you are still looking for options and you are asking for help. People break when put under undue stress and when they do they all break in different ways you are human. Every person goes thought a emotional break of some kind in their life we all break differently But there is a way back. You need to seek out help if you are dissatisfied with the people that are trying to help you. Find others call a suicide prevention help line talk to someone that can get you the resources you need. Meditation is not meant to deal with this kind of crisis. You have options , maybe they are options you have not thought of but I assure you they are there. If you can not see them then get other people involved to help you find other alternatives that you can not see. Please call someone Immediately.

Day 14 - Night I'm glad its time to journal because I'm having a bit of an epiphany here and you can bet your ass I'm taking you through it with me. As I'm sitting here, I keep thinking my past is pointless. I keep thinking the future doesn't really matter. There is, or at least was, a severe sense of depression as this began to hit me. Like truly depressing to the point I began to question what value my life even has. I can admit that suicide briefly crossed my mind but as I'm going through this, another sort of realization. The only thing that really matters is if I'm happy. I'm not happy. I feel cold even though I know I'm a very warm human being. Even as I'm writing this, thoughts of "why" and "what's the point" circle in my head. But I know exactly why I'm doing this! I don't frankly care what anyone thinks of me here, I do but I try not to. But I'm documenting this for two reasons. 1. For myself, even though what I read tomorrow from this or even 10 minutes after, its no longer relevant. Its gone, done. Am I happy journaling? Not really, but sort of. It helps me get this garbage out of my head so I can focus on what I want to do tomorrow. 2. I'm trying to document my thoughts exactly as they occur in some vague hope that someone, anyone, will read this and find it at least somewhat helpful. To know they are not alone in their struggles. So exactly what am I thinking right now? Nothing honestly. My mind feels empty at the moment but that overall message of meaninglessness, it keeps coming back in spurts. I know I have to find my own happiness worth while. But I'm still not happy! What can I do to change that? I'm not really sure. There is some contentment inside but I want to build! I want to earn! I want to feed! I want a damn job! I want a relationship! I want a few close friends! I may even want to find God. I've opened up my heart, I've prayed. Nothing. I don't feel any different. Or maybe I do? I'm not sure at this point. I could go into all the what ifs of it but I won't drag you through that. Not yet anyways lol! It's such a hard concept to grasp though, how can I be truly happy right this second? What can I do?! To be fully content right where I sit on this floor. Propped up against my pillows. My guitar, busted now, standing off to the left by the wall. My brother wasting away in front of his video games to my right. The urge to smoke cropping up in my head. The kitchen light is on, other big source of light in the living room where I lie. What would make me happy? My first thought, a woman by my side. My left arm wrapped around her, as she kisses me. But would that be realistic? How comfortable would that be for her? Lying on this floor next to me, listening to my brother scream at the game to stop cheating him! Yeah... That's not realistic. What else can I do right this second to be happy? Uncross my legs for one. My knee is hurting. Shift a bit. OK so there's really nothing I can do to change any of this right this second. So I can only try to accept that this is where I am right now. I know I want a job so bad, I know I want someone to love so bad it makes me nearly emotional, I know I want to be happy. I keep running around in circles in my head because my exterior world is not matching the changes in my interior world. I could waste an hour of my time trying to at least clean the apartment a bit but I don't see the point. My brother is extraordinarily messes and he likes to dig his hair out and leave it all over the floor. I wish I had a shop vac. I can't keep this up here. It's killing me to watch him waste away his life. I try my best not to judge and be supportive but this is just not working. I know he sees me changing, so he knows it's possible to do so. But I can't open his eyes for him. He just chooses to keep wasting and I can't keep being around that!.. Oh wow... So that's it? He's my brother. He's helped me, I wouldn't even be out here in Ohio if it wasn't for him! But I can't force him to see. I can't force myself to want to watch him waste his life away either. I need a big change and soon. Not interior, exterior. Change your playground, change your playmates, change your mind. So this is why I keep running in circles. I'm fairly satisfied with that answer. No, fully satisfied. Its going to hurt to do that, to leave him be. I know I'll still come back from time to time to make sure he isn't too far gone, but I can't keep living like this. I'm just taken aback a bit. I knew for a long time that being around my brother for long periods wasn't good for me but I don't know... I love my brother and I wish I could help him see. All I can do is lead by example. Hope that he sees. Which means I need to push harder to keep up my daily rituals, to stop fumbling around. Stand tall, be a man! Even despite all the doubts I have. That's all I got for tonight.

I have no medical background so I wouldn't dare declare that tourette's syndrome is what I have but ever since I began meditating and self-actualizing, I've started having these moments where I just say absolutely random shit that I have no control over. This used to be a problem in the past but I never payed much mind to it and now it begins to really bug me because lately, the things that have been coming out of my mouth have been really offensive and grim, to the point of legitimately stressing me out and making me feel very demoralized. Very often it's been something about suicide and I've never had the urge or impulse to kill myself, at least I don't think I did. Another weird factor is that this never happens around other people, only when I think I'm alone. It's like a rising urge that I can control around other people without effort but when I'm alone, it's absolutely undetectable. Is this a normal thing to experience and if so, how do I deal with that?

Hi everyone, I'm new to the site and was drawn to this thread as I frequently have suicidal images in my mind. I don't know that I'd say I think about suicide or desire it, but I sometimes get images of very clearly ending my life in different ways. It was interesting to read through some of the responses. I do try to do yoga, meditate, eat well, etc etc but my son is disabled and his care needs are quite complex so some days I run out of time or if I'm really tired I just fall asleep as soon as I start to relax. I feel incredibly trapped by our situation, physically, mentally, emotionally, financially. So the post on feeling suicidal because of feeling trapped really resonated with me. There are some good thoughts and ideas on here. I look forward to reading more and getting to know people better

My Psychoanalyst once told me that the desire to stay alive can be very strong, he's a doctor also and he told me that once he saw a cop with a bullet in his head obviously in a very bad situation but still alive. I have had a lot of depression in my life, why didn't I attempted suicide yet? Because I am just too scared to die anyways or even worse being crippled.

I feel extremely pathetic saying what I'm about to say right now, but I'm not sure how much more I can take. I have posted a lot on this forum about my addiction to porn/overstimulation/anything in this kind of category. I have received very valuable and well thought out responses regarding this, and I am so grateful. For my entire life, I have been obsessive and had disturbing thoughts. As I battle my addiction, I see everything rise to the surface. Ever since I was as young as 6 years old, I have been experiencing disturbing thoughts about my death, constantly obsessing about and fearing the idea of suicide, death of loved ones etc. It's very strange to me as I try to beat my addiction how my disturbing thoughts manifest themselves. As an addict, I relentlessly obsess day in day out about suicide and whether my life is worth continuing. I feel frightened constantly, always fearing that I could do something drastic which really makes me feel insane. If not insane, then definitely not entirely stable mentally. I analyze my entire life history, picking and choosing certain events to latch onto just to exhaust myself with endless attempts at reassurance. My addiction plays a lot into this, since I ruminate 24/7 about how pathetic I am being an addict, how much of a loser I must appear to those I care about, how much better my life could have been before making the mistake of becoming an addict and even feeling extreme jealously of those who are not in my situation. It feels as if I have a large intimidating gloomy cloud hovering over me everywhere I go, no matter how good my circumstances are. When I feel bouts of joy and happiness, I constantly question if I deserve it. Any grain of happiness that I do experience these days is quickly destroyed by myself. It's got to the point in my life where I cannot even do simple things which once gave me excitement without obsessing over why I should even bother since my life is ruined. At such a young age (19) I am even more terrified since I can also obsess over my potential future dealing with such misery. If I could have one wish, it would be to turn back the clock. But I can't, and I never will be able to. I understand that I am only to blame for this, nobody else. I chose all of my actions, and I deeply regret making such awful decisions in my life to lead me to where I am right now: In my crumbling mind. I really need help, I feel alone and unable to do anything.

@cle103 You should be grateful you've had enough wisdom and motivation to get this far. If you made it this far, you can make it to the end of the rabbit hole. No one said this would be easy. We are talking about suicide here, after all. The ego will not give up without a fight.

Thank you so much! First thing I must change, is the whole perspective of this thing. My mind tricked me by telling me that I am not able to ground myself anymore, that leads me to 24/7 uncertainty, feelings of walking on thin ice, like the threshold of feeling safe was transcended. Since that day, I have a strange time perception and everything regarding "time", what currently happens (news for example), triggers my mind and it tells me: "well, you had suicidal thoughts, why are you still here?" After that I get a feeling of what I am doing here anymore and feel like I cant be present, especially that I cant let these thought patterns go. I have a strange belief, that suicidal thoughts HAVE to end in suicide. Can I trick my mind out of it, simply by seeing this whole state differently? Primarily, I accepted that I might be suicidal, so I said I will do everything to get out of this state instead of fearing it.

Sometimes I think about suicide to escape overwhelming pain, but sometimes I think about suicide, because I feel emptiness inside. It is not pain actually. I just feel detached from everything, even from my parents and other loved ones.

thawing. For years, I've felt frozen in this block of ice. Physically stiff, psychologically circuitous, emotionally numb. Blindly falling into the same karmic cycles over and over and over and over again. I didn't realize how frozen I truly was, until I started reading through my old journal entries. All of these memories of past rejections. How I brushed them aside, projected onto the other person (e.g. she's just a stupid bitch), and refused to feel the hurt. Lack of awareness only made me get rejected even more. Slowly but surely, the heart grew colder and colder until it froze. Then my friend committed suicide and my heart became Antarctica. A little more than two years into this work, and I finally feel like I'm thawing. The anger, the hurt, the sadness, the grief. All of it's been coming to the surface. My body is releasing stuckness through yoga. My awareness is increasing through meditation. I see very clearly now that my self-esteem is extremely low, and my fears of humiliation and rejection are extremely high. I see how I've compensated for these fears: the social anxiety, the video games, the clinginess, then the isolation. I see that I haven't been able to forgive myself for what happened to my friend three years ago. I may just have to take a road trip to visit his family for closure. Despite feeling so dang sad, I'm also glad that I'm feeling. I'm actually feeling!

Thank you very much LaucherJunge. I will definitely read her book. However to be honest I cant imagine what can make me feel good. Because the life itself seems grey and nothing draws my interest at those horrible moments when I think about suicide. No success, money or anything external can make me even slightly better. I feel emptiness and meaninglessness inside.

I recommend Teal Swan to you guys, she is the only spiritual teacher I know who actually has the balls to talk about suicide. I don't think that is the case, because I experienced that intense pain fade in a matter of 20 minutes after Teal Swans Completion Process, everything changed from this point on my feelings, behaviour and thinking, literally like I would have gone back in time with a time machine and changed my future. I guess there might be exceptions for people who are physically bound to the pain, but there might be other possibilities I just don't know of to overcome it. Althought I have to say that pain is just pain, you are the ones who make it to be suffering with your thinking, I am at a point where I am capable of loving my pain, atleast the relatively mild pain that was left after the process, thus I don't have it anymore because there is no resistance.

Day 2 - part 2 I'm beginning to rework my schedule so I can start fitting things in. I am going to try waking up at 7am to get a headstart on my meditation before my brother wakes and gets into his games. That's one thing I've found ironic. I used to be a hardcore gamer myself. Before I started working on myself, my days were spent being bored. Waiting for my turn to hop on and play. Now, I don't even touch video games. I played one time and it was sheerly to build a house I had seen in my mind. Beyond that, video games just don't interest me anymore. I even tried installing games on my tablet and they just sat there. I was never inclined to even open them so I just uninstalled them. I'm pretty certain I can say that my interest in video games was nothing more than a time filler. Now my time is so filled with digging around in my brain, finding parts of me that need fixing and then fixing those parts. I am still taken aback from all of this. It still feels so strange. To be able to feel some pride in what I'm doing. Though the itch to get out there and build is still growing. My therapist had gave me a fairly intriguing insight yesterday. That if I want to be a good employee, then later a good partner, I need to be good to me first. This requires that I get this schedule down and follow it. I didn't see the use of a schedule for myself for so long. To say these are things I want to do. It makes me emotional just thinking about it because I still remember exactly where I came from. It seems like a world of difference, but in reality the only thing that changed was me. I had two pivotal breaking points in a couple of weeks that led me here. The last thing I said as the old me was "I can't do this shit anymore". I was balling my eyes out trying to find an answer, I couldn't keep being toxic, I couldn't keep being manipulative, I couldn't keep hurting myself. It was do or die, quite literally. I was so scared because I really felt that suicide was a viable option. In that conversation, I broke. I became unwired. I sought out help. After this break, I immediately went and watched Leo's video on how to deal with negative emotions. I sat there and watched, took it all in. It was at this moment that things began to change in me. I did exactly as he said. I faced that pain inside. That has led me to where I'm at now. I'm still experiencing that swing of wanting to just give in and not wanting to give up. So I give in to study it. Every time. I don't care if I'm at home or outside, if I get hit, I don't fight it. I pick it out and study it intensely. Then I pour love into it. Take responsibility for it. To put this bluntly, its a beautifully tragic experience. Then I can come back to the now and be proud of myself. Which is still so amazing that it hurts.

It's been about 13 months of 30 – 120 minutes of daily meditation/concentration, here and there some self inquiry and about 15 trips on LSD, Al-Lad or shrooms. A lot has changed, but it feels like I've been suppressing or disconnecting from my emotions for too long. In most of my trips so much fear, shame and pain comes to the surface that in 2 of them I seriously considered killing myself cause I just couldn't stand it anymore. And now I am aware of constant shame and fear and pain also during meditation or randomly throughout the day. At least now I can feel something, most of the time in my life I was depressed and numb or not even aware of my anxiety. However recently I do experience some moments of peace, quite rarely, but it's getting more. I've been emotionally disconnected from my parents and couldn't connect to friends throughout my life, so that I cannot remember any love in my life. Been playing quite a role of someone who is overly friendly and funny. I've always tried to hide my pain to the point where I was imitating laughing on a regular basis when really I felt nothing or worse. The few sad moments I had where actually one of the best, I finally felt alive. However recently, when I watch a video of Leo, Eckhart, Rupert etc. I can feel an outburst of love (the trips really helped alot with that). At first I actually wasn't sure what this intense feeling in the area of my solar plexus could be, this is how fucked up I am. I've been compensating this before I consciously started on this journey with weed, alcohol, porn, drama, food, self destructive behavior, isolation, disconnection and daydreaming. I believe if I didn't come across Leo, last year while I was vegetating in my dorm room, being stoned from morning till evening, I would have committed suicide or ended up as a heroine junky. Since then I've never touched weed again and almost no alcohol, I've lost over 44 lbs and am now the leanest I've ever been in my life without any effort, I just don't have any desire for unhealthy food or behavior anymore, it's just the opposite. I still have low self esteem and a victim mentality, but now I can really see this during my interactions. I feel quite stuck in life. I just don't know what to do. Been studying an computer science related bachelor programm for over 2 years now, but I'm quite sure that this doesn't fit in with my values. I just cannot develop any passion for coding, nor do I want to become a software consultant or a project manager. I'm also stuck in the middle of the life purpose course due to limiting beliefs and uncertainty about my values. I am a 24 y/o virgin and this journey doesn't seem to help with that, since I quit going to parties or anything similar for the last year and I have no desire to go back. I've cut down some toxic relationships and feel like I can only relate to one friend anymore(he's also into PD and enlightenment). I am getting more and more aware of synchronistic events and also it seems like I can sometimes intuit what other people think by knowing what they're going to say. I'm also much more aware of other people's emotions, it feels like I've been blind my whole life and probably still am. I feel quite neurotic/anxious about posting this, but I don't care. It felt quite releasing to write this down. Thanks for reading.

@Hardkill That extreme direct style of game was useful for me for a short period. But it's definitely not the best way to approach or something I'd recommend long term. Here's why extreme direct game is useful. Many guys studying the PUA stuff are terrified to put their sexual intentions out there. That was me, and even now I still occasionally fall into it. So you take this terrified guy and you get him to say this really sexual, polarizing line. He will feel like he is committing suicide, but if he pushes through that, then what happens is his comfort zone is massively expanded. Once you CAN do that if necessary, you don't have to keep doing it. The point is you never want to be in a position where you're rationalizing not taking right action out of fear. Fear and getting laid are basically inverses of each other.

Entry 242 | Aiming For The Stars Theory: No greater source of motivation can be generated than that which comes from aiming for the seemingly impossible or goalless. Applying it: Never mind worrying about attainable goals. Aim for the highest levels of mastery possible instead. I've been reading through Mastery, the next book on my agenda, and a lot of the dialogue resonates me more than I imagined. It describes what it takes to go on the journey of mastery and the necessary "keys" that you must obtain to follow it properly. And it amazes me to know that my journey of mastery in fact started almost 10 years ago. That was when I hit such an all-time emotional low that I decided it was time to pursue the extraordinary. That was when my journey to guitar and music mastery truly began. To give you an idea how much this cause meant to me when I first started out, I regret to say that thoughts of suicide were starting to emerge. Completely irrationally, of course, but certain nonetheless. I was made to feel worthless by everybody in my school as they proceeded to bully me, expose, exploit and flat-out ignore me. My close family and my guitar teacher were the only people who I could trust. If it weren't for their belief in me, I never would've had the realisation that I had the potential to be something special and extraordinary. My visions from there on out were fuelled by this potential. As a form of escapism from all the bullshit at school, I would entertain my mind with visions of myself performing guitar alongside my guitar idols. I imagined myself shooting instructional videos, performing concerts in grand halls, and living the rock star life. The vision was so powerful that my actions became a complete slave to it. I cultivated my guitar practice to last many hours, even getting up mid-sleep on some evenings to practice licks and scales. Before this revelation, I was such a slow learner who struggled to keep up with the Grade 8 songs and exercises in guitar lessons. But after the revelation, I knew that in order to become a guitar-playing extraordinaire, I needed to learn from them too. Whilst many my age were learning music from their favourite bands, I learned pieces by guitar virtuosos that were truly astounding. By the age of 16, I was able to perform a song called No Boundaries by Michael Angelo Batio (brownie points if you actually remember me mentioning this tune ages ago!). A link to the video will (regrettably) be linked below The point of this nostalgia trip is to serve as a reminder for how important it is to literally aim for the stars. Don't aim big. Aim HUGE. Aim for the things you know you could never accomplish right now but you could eventually. And over all of those years, that vision may have become stronger and weaker now and then. But it remains with me until this day. The vision never died. The same visions that guided me as a depressed, anxious teenager are the same ones that fuel my actions as a peaceful, positive young adult. What luck to have forged a journey of mastery so long ago. Enough time has passed now for me to know that such a journey and such visions are so fucking worth it! Pick of the day: By comparison, this is me 5 years later:

Hi, this topic will be my main journal. Maybe I will create other journals more specific but for the moment this will be a all purpose journal. This page is a summary of my life, my habits and other significant events that I want to record here for you to understand myself. I will update this page as my journal and my life goes. Age: born in 1990 Gender: Male Location: France, living with parents Current occupation: student in Computer Science Civil status: single Hobbies: problem solving in math, personnal developpement, language learning What I have constructed Diet & nutrition habits: - breakfast: 2 eggs, 3 tomatoes, 1 red pepper, 4 red radish, green salad, 1 tranche of ham, 1 carot, 1 cup of whole rice. - dinner: 2 eggs, pretty much the same thing in terms of veggies , 1 cup of whole rice - supper: 1 steak or 2 sardines, pretty much the same thing in terms of veggies I don't eat wheat, processed food, fast food or high IG glucid. I use Beyond Tangy Tangerine. I take omega-3 pills, nascent idone, and others. I want know to supplement on glutamine, pre-pro biotics and glycine for my IBS but I don't have enough money for the moment. Meditation habit: 1 hour of daily meditation with zafu on my bed beginning between 22h00 and 22h30. I meditate since mid 2015. I meditate principally with Do Nothing Technique and Focus on breath technique. Gym habit: 3 times a week at least. I workout in my house. I have sufficient equipement for this. I compartiment session with: legs, pectoral, back, arms, shoulders. Approximately one muscular group per day. Approximatly 1h30 per session. Sleep habit: in bed between 23h00 and 23h30 and wake up between 6h00 (college time) and 7h30 (holiday time) Productivity habits: every day 1 quiz of Brilliant, every day 10 mins of Duolingo in English Ludotherapy habit: NeuroNation every day for 20 minutes on average. It helps me with depression. Life purpose: solving a particular problem in logical mathematics (tetrality) but now it is impossible Mentors: Jean-Pierre Petit, Godel, Bertrand Russel Misc: I gave up manga (because it is a media that oversexualize a lot and has too much fantasy and false model of reality). I am doing the Nofap challenge. What I have to overcome Addictions: porn addiction (i'm doing NoFap since 2015), masturbation addiction, news addiction Failures: at college, failed physics years (failed my first year, failed my second year), failed mathematics years (failed my first year, failed my second one), failed computer science (failed the second year) and i'm continuing in this program. I have failed so many years at college and now I'm in a program that I hate but where I validated some courses. Computer science is really for those who are stupid, I have never seen such poor science. We are in computer science just to be some technicians and nothing more. At least in physics we learned some advanced math and understanding in the behavior of matter but in computer science all I learn is commands that will be of no use when strong AI will be develop. What i study there doesn't passionate me at all, but I validated some courses so... Health concerns: IBS, imbalance in pelvis (I wear orthotics), bruxism (some teeths are broken), depression, history of drug abuse (LSD and marijuana) Past drug abuse: My brother convinced my to try LSD and marijuana when I was in my lowest phase in life. He destroyed my brain with false claims about those two drugs and just wanted that i do like him. i have now HPPD. Family problems: My mother is very superstitious, she is into new age. My father gave up in life. And my brother is an irresponsible who mocks everyone who is different that him. My mother wanted that I quit maths because she wanted that I do something "more easy" because money and a job is more important than doing your passion. So i quitted math because she persuaded me that I am not good at it. Same with my brother who said to me that I don't have the intellect to do advanced maths. Misc: What I understand more and more through my life is that Suicide: I have programmed my life to terminate to my 35 years, If the global economic crisis and future social upheavals doesn't kill me before. People pleaser: well, nothing to add. I'm a people pleasure that's for sure. Diagnosis by psychiatrists & psychologists: One psychologist diagnosed me with giftedness via emotional tests. This diagnosis is impossible since i'm not good at college and to learn things. One psychiatrist diagnosed me schizo-affective disorder but wanted to conduct more tests on me to be sure at 100%. Since I do not have enough money and that my mother swear to me that I am not schizophrenic, this diagnosis is in suspend. I visited 4 differents therapists on psychology, Cognitive Behavior Therapy, hypnotherapy but nothing worked. I continue to fail all of years in college. Why I choosed to do personnal developpement: Because my life is a mess, because I'm weak and it seems that weak people tends to be in the self-help community. So be it. I'm a looser, it seems that it is my destiny. Some quotes that I like: Every thoughts is an organized system of beliefs (Jean-pierre Petit). Happyness: harmony with oneself. Love: harmony with the other. Love feeds on the happiness of the other without requiring any return. (The Ummites) My point of view on masturbation: For me masturbation is another drug despite all the facts that a lot of psychologists and biologist say the contrary. I will try to argue: that behavior encourages the idea that you don't have to work to have pleasure. The act of masturbation is something you do very easily without accomplishments or without hard work. Sex on the other hand is different for me: you have to work hard on a relationship and/or on a date to make love after that. Masturbation has this component of a drug because: it is cheap, the outcome is a self-pleasure (maybe something that is related to ego) and nothing is accomplished. When I stop masturbating, after a while I feel a lot of benefits, just like Nofap suggests. My point of view on LSD: I had six trip on acid. All very pleasant, no bad trip, no anxiety, no fear and no serious problems in general during the trips. After the 5th one, I started to develop what is called HPPD. My main symptom is static field vision (like an old television, white noise) and distortion on my computer screen after maybe 2 hours on it. I had also change in mood and dissociation disorder. I think that this substance should not be used because of this shadow zone: you know that biologists and neuro-scientists uses a certain protein to identify presence cells being killed. My point of view on Marijuana: My point of view on relationships (marriage with the opposite sex and sexual act): I'm not interested into marriage, sex or relationship with a woman. But the problem is that because of my porn addiction I struggle to not thinking about women and sex. It is clear for me that I don't want to create a life with relationship with a woman, it is not my goal and I don't want my brain to chase after it. Life is short and I don't want to waste it on things that are futile. I want to train myself into not thinking about it and be completely free of it.

dissociation in a nutshell. Once upon a time, body/mind was born. Body didn't feel safe in the first few months of its birth. Perhaps it didn't receive enough breast milk, or enough love from the bigger body/mind parental units. Perhaps it was abused. Whatever the case, it adopted the visceral belief that no matter what it does, it doesn't deserve enough. And thus, the world is scarce and unsafe. This belief manifests in physical form as body/mind grows up. Body/mind is underweight no matter how much it eats. Body/mind has health issues, especially with the large intestine. Body/mind feels fear, depression, and anxiety nearly every waking hour. Body/mind is restless and disorganized. Body/mind has a hard time focusing on long-term tasks. Body/mind doesn't like to be touched. Body/mind is conservative and not open to new experiences or meeting new people. Body/mind has a hard time making money. Body/mind feels generally ungrounded. Mind didn't sign up for this shit. It doesn't want to feel this painful burden that body bears. So what does it do? It splits, or dissociates. Mind tries every way to dominate body in order not to feel the pain and the visceral feelings of danger. Mind tunes out the feelings by doing drugs or alcohol. Mind tries to stay occupied through television, video games, monotonous heady work, mental masturbation, or even real masturbation. Mind tries to solve its problems on the level of mind, thinking that as long as it strengthens itself, it won't have to deal with body. It adopts the belief that the body is a filthy prison that can be transcended. It spends years in meditation. It spends years in talk therapy. It spends years ruminating about philosophical topics. But nothing is working. Body is still screaming fear. At this point, mind has reached the tipping point. It feels tempted to destroy the body in an act called "suicide," because it feels trapped. It feels like all hope is lost. It feels like it's tried everything. Mind feels like it's in a burning office building, where the building is the body. Mind devised an ultimatum. It's either jump out the window, or walk into the fire.

Dark Night involves more hopelessness in my opinion. Most depression is usually caused by deep but temporary strong negative emotions. The majority of people who get out of depression do so because they either tried to commit suicide but failed or they didn't take action at all. It's interesting how gun control can reduce the number of suicides simply because choosing a gun to kill yourself has a higher success rate than other methods.