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Huge belly laugh! ...I knew that!! 2 yrs to realize my true nature. ...naturally. No, I didn't spend all day in meditation. I had tried suicide prior, do to extreme suffering...the OD wasn't strong enough, after 5 days in a coma and on life support... I survived. To my suprise. So, I was highly motivated for a change!

Hello, thank you for reading this. I would appreciate any opinions on my situation, especially from anyone who may have experience with this sort of thing. I have a close friend, who we will call A, who has severe mental health issues. As context, I have been a fairly rigorous follower of personal development and enlightenment work for several years. I met her 2 years ago and we were attracted to each other. We became sexually intimate and very close, and she slowly started revealing more of herself to me, including her self harm, depression and history of suicidal thoughts and attempts. In the early stages of our relationship, I considered leaving her as I could foresee that a relationship with someone like this could get me into trouble. I did not leave her, however. Our relationship became intense, as my presence seemed to become the only thing in the world which could alleviate her mental pains. I saved her from multiple suicide attempts, acting as a 24/7 guardian at some points. This has taken its toll on me personally. Generally I am an extremely happy and content person, with the one exception of when I believe her to be upset and in danger of harming or killing herself. Which is often. When I realise she might be in danger, or even consider its possibility, I become very distressed. A while ago I had the awful job of telling her that I did not want to be in a relationship with her anymore. Somehow she survived the ordeal, and has a new partner now. She still contacts me now and again, telling me how suicidal she feels. It is an awful position for me to be in. I never know what to do, and it distresses me awfully. Obviously I care for her so much. It was just too much for me to be her suicide carer. Far too much. If she were mentally healthy I would love to spend much more time with her. How do I help her? How do I help myself? What do I do? I have a massive fear is of her successfully committing suicide. I know that if I were with her, she almost certainly would not ever be successful in doing so. But I don't want to be the person who she learns to rely upon. I would be very grateful if anybody could give me their perspectives on this and how I should approach the situation, or indeed on their own personal experience on similar situations. By the way, to my knowledge she has regular therapy sessions, so there's not much I can do by way of encouraging her to get therapy.

Heyyyyyy.... Its me. Another tiny spec of a human on this giant blue earth with illusionary problems. for the past 3 months.(well actually since 15. I am 29 now) Ive been going through alot of over thinking, depression, anxiety, negative beliefs, self sabotage. and using weed, porn,lsd and alcohol to distract myself from all this bullshit Ive created for myself. It helps for a tiny bit but as we all know it actually makes things worst. I am in a really really low point in my life right now. Its effecting not just me but everyone around me, my career. Everything. I have a fuked up aura and its all because I am having a really hard time changing. Thoughts of suicide have come up because its the easy way out for me but I know I cant do that because my family, girlfriend and friends would be so hurt. I am wedding photographer and when i am in my bestest state. Im friken good at it. but other times I just have to put on a mask and act all happy but deep down im dying and when I get home after a 15 hr day of being a happy chappy social butter fly i crash and burn for days and hate life. i live a very comfortable and easy life. I work maybe 4-6 times a month and the rest of the time I try to gym and do jujitsu. I try to catch up with friends when I can but lately I feel i get major social anxiety and feel very intoverted. I live with my parents and they dont nag me at all. They give me a roof over my head, bathroom, toilet, food and just enough money for me to be very comfortable. Ive got it so dam good. Im spoilt and my family is just above middle class. I have so much guilt because of this because I know there are others that have it so much worst then I do yet here I am with my first world problems. Anywho. in the past I have done landmark which helped for a time. Ive watched the shift by wayne dyer and Ive read eckhart tolle and i was into tim ferris for abit. that all helped me for a time but i always find myself back in hell sooner or later. Lifes been a summary of a bunch of Ups and downs and never steady. Ive taken lsd and had a massive bad trip which lead me to having a big breakthrough and death of my ego. It lead to me eating super healthy and going to the gym. I lost 6kilos and even got a tiny bit of abs. I even got inspired to give youtube a stab because it felt right and passionate. but that only lasted about 8 months untill it suddenly just fell flat on its ass.. I am now back at square one but I feel this time its even harder to figure out this next step in my life because I know exactly why i feel the way i do physically, spiritually and mentally but fuk my ego/lower self gets more cunning and evil everytime I catch me out. I am very desperate right now. I cant live like this anymore. think the way i do. its terrible. i just want to die but i dont even have the guts to kill myself. Please guys, anyone, Leo, obiwan!? Help me! Theres so much more i could be doing with my time and life and for this planet and the people around me. Would getting the life purpose course help me? I dont think I have the discipline to complete it.. i am seeing a shrink but i think i need to see another one for a different opinion. Thank you for those who have taken the time to read this. selfish me.

I'm honestly having a VERY similar struggle to this. In the life purpose course exercises, all I keep coming back to is the fact that I want to leave a legacy and impact through my creative endeavors as an athlete. Not in an egotistical way. I want to make my sport and the way I race not about beating people, but into art form that inspires people. I feel stuck because I'm like 'I don't have the genetics to be that kinda athlete.' Yes I know that's a common excuse people use sometimes but I think when we're talking about athletics (especially for me as a runner) it's a very valid one. Not to mention I keep thinking 'this feels just way too self centered because I feel like SHOULD be impacting people more directly, e.g. Coaching and what not. However, it just doesn't hit home at all. I truly want my pursuits as an athlete to be my legacy that touches people and inspires people to get out the door and get the best out of themselves because for me, running and sports is spiritual if you take it serious enough. I just love the life of being so committed to my sport. I love waking up super early like at 5am, doing meditation, having my tea, visualizing my athletic pursuits, making breakfast before the sun rises, stretching then driving out to where I'm gonna run and do my session. I get lost in the stretching, the warm-up, etc. I just connect with the life of a 100000% committed athlete who just has the desire to do it till the grave and also be self coached because I want people to be inspired to lead their own lives and learn how to be self driven. Again though, sports is different because a lot of it just comes down to if you have the genetic makeup to even reach such a level. Im doing all the visualizations, exercises, everything but I keep "should'ing" myself to be more realistic and what not. However, I love my sport so fucking much that it's always been my way out of low moments such as suicide even. My running brings the most meaning because I feel like it's a perfect metaphor for life. @Leo Gura what are your thoughts? I think this is a matter a lot of athletes struggle with and abandon their athletic passion not cause of superficial/egotistical ways, but because they don't know what to do with such a pursuit/passion.

Reincarnation has been the closest to a belief that I hold about our existence here on Earth, when I was a child I always thought about it. Not as much now, but today, I've come across Dolores Cannon and her work. She was a hypnotherapist and in her sessions she just couldn't ignore all the patients talking about past lives and she compiled all the info, wrote lots of books. In one of her books she proposed the idea of volunteer souls. After Hiroshima, these souls (free of karma) volunteered to come to Earth for the first time in three waves. The first wave is the baby boom generation, born after the war. They were kind of lost here, so although they have jobs and raise a family, they feel they don't belong. They get depression and sometimes commit suicide. The second wave, born somewhere in the 80s (she says it's difficult to draw a line) were a bit luckier. Their job is to only be, and raise the energy and frequency. She says these people heighten the spirits when they go into a place by just being in there, but they feel so uncomfortable that they prefer to stay at home, work from home etc. if they find a similar soul they get married, but probably won't have children. The third one is the children of today, mostly geniuses although some are misunderstood and diagnosed with ADHD etc. She said these children have different and better DNAs, and are probably the saviour of the Earth. Now I hope you will keep an open mind and tell me what you think. When I listened to her I thought about Leo being in the second wave, and also myself. Especially because as much as I hate to be in a room full of people, I am always told I raise people's spirits. I'm also sceptical of course. Want to hear your ideas about this. Anyone having a similar experience? A small talk by Cannon, longer ones can also be found on YouTube:

@texter 'she shouldn't commit suicide, is that true?' 'It's in her best interests to not commit suicide, can I really know that?' Contemplate these questions. They will change the way you feel about this situation. Note: I'm not saying that it's in her best interests to commit suicide, but if you contemplate these questions, you will get some amazing insights.

Don't worry, most of us who have an impasse/deadlock are not yet motivated enough to be willing to go to any lengths. Many in this situation have to get sick and tired of being sick and tired. Some even have to truly get mangled egotistically before surrendering it. And there are the unfortunate few how get so deluded by this that they end up thinking they are a mistake and rather die (suicide) than live another day with the impasse. However, there is a shortcut. Take a risk! Do the opposite. Feel lazy? well take a risk and go for a quick walk around the block. Can't set a goal? Take a risk and break your goal into smaller digestible/achievable pieces (one nail at a time so to speak). Negative self-talk? Take a risk and talk aloud your positives. Getting angry? Take a risk and calm down, be soft and gentle.

"NOTHING IN MY LIFE NOR ANYTHING I DO IN LIFE MATTERS SINCE I DON'T MATTER." In a twisted sense I'm actually happy I finally found this. Just because I've finally articulated the source after all these years of what I truly feel that has been causing all my self-sabotage and planned attempts in suicide over the years... Now, the question is... how the fuck do I eradicate this fucking thing once and for all? Yes, I know, 'challenge it.' I'm talking about on specific practical level though. Any techniques anyone has to share that can relate to this?

Need to get this off my chest and would really welcome some advice. I'm going to be all over the place here. Apologies in advance. This is probably gonna be a long story, so sit tight. When I was 10 years old, my entire family went to our home country to attend a wedding. It was awesome at the start. I loved going with my family to another country. All of us together. It was the first time in my life that I felt like I belonged with my family and it was great. That happiness was short-lived. The night before the wedding, a lot of the beds were taken up at the home we were staying at, and so we shared beds. It was me, my mom and the groom. My mom was in the middle of me and the groom. I woke up in the middle of the night. I did not move. I heard some noises. I opened my right eye. And saw my mom on top of the groom. She was fucking the groom. And she was fucking the groom, while I was in the same motherfucking bed. I mean, what the actual fuck? What sort of bitch would do that? Holy shit. I managed to get back to sleep. I woke up in the morning. The groom was leaving to get ready for his wedding. I heard him say "you're a home wrecker" to my mom. Later that morning, I saw my dad. He asked me where I slept that night. I thought it was really weird that he didn't know where I slept. I told him I slept with my mom and the groom in the same bed. He asked who was in the middle. For some reason, I knew this question to be important. So I answered "I was in the middle". I lied to my dad. And I knew I lied to him. And I lied to him to protect my family. Even now, in my twenties, I have a huge amount of respect for my 10 year old self for doing that. Top kid. I knew that had I said my mom was in the middle, he would know something was going on sexually. I was scared my family was going to break up. I didn't want that to happen. Later in the day. I plucked up my 10 year old courage and confronted my mom. The balls on that kid! I asked her about what happened last night. She lied to my face and said that the groom and her were "just talking" and gave me a hug. Fucking whore. She made a cuckold out of me and my dad. My mom is a rather volatile person. My dad is bigger and stronger than her, but she beats him and slaps him. Last year, after she slapped him a few times, he came to me in tears saying he was ready to "kill her" and rip her head off. I had to calm him down and tell him that isn't the right thing to do. And just to get a divorce. He's still with her. He's a big wimp. A big pussy. Always has been. He's a broken man. My mom slapped him up a few months ago, and he came up to my room and told me about it. What the hell am I gonna do about it, if he's not willing to do anything about it? I've been living with this secret my entire life. Only now am I telling it, on actualized.org, because I need another perspective on this. Ive blocked this memorry out of my mind for most of my life, but I've remembered it as I've started meditating and working on personal development. I'm unsure on my course of action here. I can't tell the truth of this to my family. It will rip and tear the family apart. It might even drag my dad to suicide. Like I said, he's broken. I'd rather keep this secret than tell them of it. For sure my mom never told my dad. Worse is that the groom and my dad are best friends. I saw the groom a few months ago at my grandma's funeral. We played cards. Ugh. One of the worst things is that, everyone thinks we're a normal family. But I've seen shit that tells me that we're fucked up. Everyone thinks we're the perfect family. But man, we've got some skeletons in the closet for sure. Everyone sees her as a holy religious person. But deep down she's a psycho. I regularly think about just disconnecting from my family. I think it will be healthier for me. Too much baggage. Way too many shitty memories. Not enough good memories to stay. Do I need to give them a reason for leaving them if I choose to? Or should I just do it? My heads all over the place atm. She's so nice to us now. She was horrible before. Used to lock me up the basement. Used to beat me. I was scared of these Halloween masks when I was a kid, and she knew that, so whenever I did something she never liked, she put on the mask, held me down, and made me stare at the mask. Fuck man. That was scary as hell. Then this? Putting me through that? I guess seeing her fucking the groom was my first ever sexual experience. Ugh. What would you do? Would you just carry on with life with these people as if nothing had happened? Thing is she's so nice now. Of course she is. I'm now 6 ft 2. She can't pin me back anymore. Plus, I think she's realised that she'll need people to look after her when she's old. She's super nice now. But the real side of her comes out when she's with my dad. Abuses him and everything. My dads a broken, broken man. I will not talk about this with my family. I won't reveal all this to them. I won't do that to my dad. I don't like family get togethers. Because I know I'm the only person in the room to know that this is all a lie. That this family is broken. And only I know this. Christmas with them is bullshit. My extended family look at me like "what's wrong". If only they knew the truth. But I gotta hold it in. I can see that this whole family dynamic is a complete sham! A mirage! Holding it in and staying connected to the family is harsh on me. Holding it in and leaving the family will be more just and merciful on my soul, I feel. More likely to forget about it that way as well. So should I just forgive and keep living on with them as if everything is cool. Or forgive, and then leave and go on my own? Don't wanna go to no therapist or shit. Need a course of action. Stay, or leave? They are family, though. What would you do? (If you've made it all the way here. Thanks. I realise this post was just everywhere and jittery. My apologies) Thanks in advance

@Outer I am not intelligent (the proof of that is that I failed college multiple times) so it does not apply to me. Besides, if that person was very intelligent then they wouldn't be homeless and a total failure. And suicide is a good option because that man has made probably a lot of suffering to his family or friends (because of his behavior) so suicide is good way to end this pathetic life and preserve the one you love.

I consider emperor Nero a zen-devil, too. He and Marcus Aurelius shared the same teacher, Seneca. The latter two are to be considered two of the main figures in stoic philosophy. I am not sure if they practiced some form of non-dual inquiry, but guessing from the way, they lived their lifes, I think, that they were somewhat spiritually realized. At least regarding the detachment aspect of enlightenment. But all three of them lived out their stoa in a different way. Seneca was more the yogi kind of guy and others wanted to learn philosophy from him, Marcus Aurelius went full on life purpose, becoming a great conscientious but at the same time extremely modest emperor after Neros death, and Nero himself just went all nuts, burned Rome several times and ordered Seneca to commit suicide.

I'm fifteen and my parents have crippling fears about self-actualization work . I tried to convince them but it didn't work very well and i asked (naively ) to a family friend to help me persuade them . She said that this work could bring me to suicide because i'm too young and imprudent . Now I fear this work too and i can't buy Leo's books nore the life purpose course wich i was so optimistic about. I've acknowleged that trying to convince my parents to buy these things right now is useless and i need to be more prudent and cautious with this work. Furthermore my parents are extremely aware of any unusual behaviors such as sadness and i'm scared that they could take my internet. I know that this goes against integrity but i need to know the most subtle and prudent ways i can approach this work right now ( apart from meditation and yoga )

Hey guys I know that "This thread is quite old. Please consider starting a new thread rather than reviving this one." But just wanted to let you know that I am currently doing Leo's life purpose course and am upto #54 and am far from depression and suicide as of right now and have a clearer vision for my life now Thank you for those who commented and spent the time to write what they wrote. Sorry it took this long to get back to you. I hope you guys are doing just as well as you were then.

Now, shrooms can be highly effective in your situation. But I am not a doctor and I don't now who you are and how much you can stand. If I just were to say: "Yeah, go ahead, shoot your brain out with shrooms" and you do that and commit suicide because all of the repressed emotions are coming up, I cannot stay by that statement. (Btw, that's possible. You can lose total control if the dose is high enough and if you then get into a wrong stream of thoughts, you might kill yourself. That's not just a saying.) For someone who is emotionally at a normal base level (normal non-integrated egoic consciousness), I think it's quite safe if you do the research and start slow to try psychedelics. Of course there are always exceptions. But if you have serious emotional problems, you better talk to a doctor about that or do it with a doctor. I had serious emotional problems (due to shadow work / spiritual purification) and I did psychedelics either way, but that's because I researched them myself intensely, started slow, and I know who I am and how much I can take. But I can't make that call for you. So, go research. And if you do, start slow.

Suicide is my destiny now. I know now that there is no going back. My life will soon be terminated because of my inability to overcome myself and because I am not genetically coded for living. I never was. Some people will succeed and will do wonderful discoveries because there are gifted, because there are genetically coded to be successful. It's been a week since I stopped to meditate, I stopped eating healthy, I stopped to do math and science. I am now in a shitty job an organic grocery market. All day long, I transport fruits and vegetable to the shelf. Could I had a better job, a job in science, in research? NO because I am a 27 years old fucking retarded. I binge on porn and on junk media, on junk films, on masturbation because that's my destiny, because I can't resist the temptation! Because my brain is finished, his dopamine receptors will not be restored fully, I will never be able to be a researcher in maths. That's the cruel and clear reality. Now I am accepting it, I'm am accepting my mediocrity and know that this is all what life will be for me. I accept my destruction, I cannot fight any more, I cannot be better than this, it is impossible. Nearly 5 years of self-actualization for nothing... I was meant to be a failure. Now suicide is the only option, my absolute truth, my sweet and lovely destiny!! Dying like the junk I am. Self-help is useless, only gifted people or correct brain like Leo Gura and others can succeed. It was there destiny. Just like an organism that die prematurely because of a disease or because of an accident or malformation, I must be eliminated from the surface of the earth. Only the more intelligent, the more adaptable survive. I am not like that. I am tired and can't evolve.

@ajasatya then if someone who is Enlightened is so sure that the Ultimate Truth is pure Nothingness and knowing it is so relieving and beautiful why does not he suicide and end the physical body and ego completely?

@kieranperez It is very difficult to find a man who has not thought at least four times in his life of committing suicide. Why do people think of suicide? – for the simple reason that life is ugly and they don’t know how to beautify it, how to make a song out of it. It is just sadness, a long long anguish, a nightmare. When you are thinking of suicide, that simply says you are thinking that this life that you have lived up to now is not worth living. But there are possibilities in it which you have not tried yet. I say to you: This life can become a great joy. You may have lived a life without love. Why not try love? You may have lived a life obsessed with money. Why not live a life unobsessed with money? You may have lived a life which hankers to possess. Now live a life which is not worried about possessing anything. You may have lived a life of respectability - you may have always been considering what people think about you, what their opinion is. There is a life to live without bothering what others are thinking about you; there is a life to live individually and rebelliously. There is a life to live which is of adventure and not of social conformity. There is a life of meditation, of God, of search, of going within. You may have lived an outside life, chasing this and chasing that. I make available to you another life of not chasing anything, but sitting silently, disappearing within your being. A life of interiority. And you will be surprised - the whole idea of suicide will disappear like dewdrops in the morning sun, and you will stumble upon a life which is eternal. Osho ~ Dhammapada Volume 8

Leo, 1. Any plans to discuss suicide as a topic? 2. Where do you see actualized.org in 10 years?

How do you know that he wasn't talking about his state of being drunk? If someone is so drunk that he is falling to the floor and almost passing out he could be referring to his state when saying "why don't you let me die?" and not suicide later on.

@Toby COMPLETELY disagree with this advice. Any time anyone says anything about suicide it should be taken 100% serious, no matter the conditions. The conditions don't matter. Plenty of times throughout history I imagine that people have said suicidal stuff when drunk and then committed suicide later.

http://ruckasworld.com/ He attempted to suicide but he got help from a contact, people that help with these kind of cases (Listed on his website.) and now he makes amazing video parodies, he's happy and does what he loves to do. I think you father needs to change his aspect of life, he needs to spend his time with his family and gather peace in mind. You should definitely call your mother and sister, don't deal with this alone because you just might regret not calling them. He needs his family right now.

Sigh. Not a good day today. Anyone here I can PM? Or even just talk on this thread? Sorry, but I'm getting more depressed as the minutes pass. Being down is turning into sadness. Sadness is turning to depression. And from where it's heading, it seems like it's going to turn to despair. I'm even growing some thoughts of suicide but don't worry, I'm not taking that seriously. And I won't in the future. Probably. I would go talk to my usual listeners. But no one I know would really get the context of this situation. I explained it in my journal that I've recently made.

To be honest, I have always been an outcast. I have never think like everybody, I was always with myself because others rejected me or because I was tired of their type of discussion, their interests and their mentality. But I forced myself to be like them for a long time. I repressed my creativity and my interests into others futile things. It is only since a few years that I realized that. But I think it is too late. How can a 27 years old boy with no diploma can do if he wants to solve a difficult logical math problem? I am not ready, and I never will. I should have started doing it a long time ago, when I was young, when my mind was more plastic, more efficient, less polluted my drugs, porn and society. I wanted to end my life 3 times: one time when I was 5 or 6, one when I was 9 or 10 and one when I was 18 or 19. I'm sorry I did not act, i'm sorry I did not cut those veins or tied this rope. I should have done that before. If I had know what was waiting for me then I should have committed suicide long time ago. Next time I will not miss the target, I will not fail, not this time. The only thing that must not be failed is this.

I had trouble in meditation for the past weeks. I am struggling to complete the full hour of meditation. I am so agitated, I feel so much pain. But I can't observe it, I can't embrace it. I am less and less able to embrace my pain. Less and less able to be in mindfulness in my every day life. I feel that the darkness is slowly enveloping me. My demons of the past doesn't want to let me go. I am condemned to do the same error again and again. It has been 4 years since I wanted to change radically my life and being able to study and innovate in mathematical logic. The only changes that I see at the moment are that I failed and failed at college, and I have simply multiply "good" habits that doesn't give me any progress and any reliefs. In contrary, I feel like on edge constantly. On the edge of suicide, on the edge of total failure, on the edge of giving up once and for all. And I waste my time doing that shit of personal development because I'm not able to do logical maths. I want to change but my mind and body doesn't allow it. And the porn relapses weakens me each time a little more. How many time will I keep going like that? Few years, maybe 3 or 4 but not more. Life is meant to thrive, not to survive. And I am sick to survive. If people tell me that life is surviving then I will respond to them by suicide.

There has always been a nagging question in the back of my mind when listening to Leo talk about enlightenment. If it is the death of the self/ ego, then would suicide bring about enlightenment/ experiencing absolute infinity?