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My last shroom trip was 5G - I had severe body aches, my back pain was doubled and had no ability to be comfortable and thoughts of death & at one point even suicide - but it was necessary for my own psyche and I don't regret the trip - it was what some people would consider a bad trip, but I made it through just fine because it is about the MENTALITY of the situation, not the additive CHEMISTRY that you speak of. Please stop this nonsense.

From taking various kinds of drugs, I learned how malleable my emotional experience and my perspective on life are. When I got into personal development, health and spirituality, I learned that there are tons of possibilities to increase the quality of my life. I tried out a bunch and saw that it works. I actually don't get how people can still think about suicide after being confronted with all this theory. What's your life situation like, what do you do all day? I'm gonna make a prediction: You will move through your situation and later think how unnecessary it would have been to commit suicide.

Realize that PMO is the highest correlative sign of depression besides maybe literally attempting suicide. That is, more than almost anything else, the more you PMO the more depressed you are. So, as you do anything to stop PMO, you end up doing something to prevent depression. Seriously, you need to understand this because its important: STOP PMO AND YOU STOP MOST OF DEPRESSION. PMO might not cause depression, or it might not be depression, but it's one of the biggest check engine lights you might have. So, set stopping PMO as a high priority and don't let anything get in the way of that. Moreover, you can't follow actualized.org if you don't take responsibility for your life. Period. But letting PMO stop you shows a major sign of irresponsibility. You're letting your dick take over your life. It's pathetic. I mean, how do you expect to change your life and change the world if you can't even take responsibility for your own dick? So, make a commitment. Envision the life that’s possible and then envision what happens when you don’t take action. Then, when urges pop up, just find new shit to do with yourself. Also check out Improvement Pill's work on the topic on YouTube. He has a whole thing called the Tamed course that's fantastic. Also Check out the book the 4 tendencies.

So you suffer and want do end it. . . To escape the pain right? But if you think about it what happens after it. . . Lets suppose you gonna reincarnate into another human being, 75% of people live poorly suffering and with no access to clean water, get flooded and cant afford food. What kind of life is that sm1 would say? Well i say that is life. . . You have 3/4 possibility to end up like that. Let's assume hell exist (which i doubt) you would be feeling pain for eternity. .. . Suppose everything goes dark with no memory and no timespace exists so this life of yours is a hallucination and never happend. . . Well it would happen anyway 40-50 years from now in a normal lifespan dont you think? So you cant really escape the universe. . . What's left to do. . .well my friend you have a health problem which i strongly recommend to seek help about. You owe it to your mum to your friends and to yourself. For what i read people who failed suicide most of them turned their life 180degrees because their family and friends helped them and listened their silenced scream. And dont tell me you cant do it coz on the internet there's a guy with no arms and no legs who got a job a perfect family and has a lot to give to the world. At least you can advertise yourself better on internet im sure you gonna be asked to play in concerts ect. Your guitar skills are amazing. I'm sure chicks would pull their had of fighting to bang you. But first you must help yourself in order for the universe (or God) to help you.

Gosh , I have to admit that I contemplated suicide often and have actually tried to carry it out a few times , I used to be very very depressed , The last time I tried to harm myself was many years ago , i took a bottle buzz and some razors and walked along the freeway to get to the wilderness, as I walked along , a question flashed into my mind , Why would you kill yourself if God put you onto this Earth ? With that question I "woke up " from my trance like state and I realized that there was no reason at all . I walked back and from then on I had to face all my demons and problems. One of my most amazing therapist said to me once , that the people who commit suicide are the ones we needed the most , they are the most sensitive and valuable for society , the exception being murderers of course. PLEASE FIND A GOOD THERAPIST THEY CAN PERFORM MIRACLES !

Hell, your input is always appreciated I have to say that I don't really have a strong foundation. I don't really eat that healthy - still need to look into that topic. I don't smoke, I seldom drink. I meditate daily and do also self-inquiry daily (still have to make it seperate from meditation). But my main struggle would be depression/mental illness, at times it's crippling. I think if that was different, then the trip might have turned out better. I am guessing that the weak ego is trying its best to keep "me" from getting better/seeing through the illusion, and it does that using suicide/gore/death as its main weapon since I don't really mind dying (that much). It surely would be a big + if I had a better foundation.

Humor is an interesting thing. Some of the greatest comedians have been very depressed. Robin Williams killed himself and Owen Wilson tried to commit suicide. Jim Carey has dealt with depression in the past, so did John Cleese from Monty Python. Eminem he describes it well in that song I posted, the thing about hiding behind the tears of a clown. Eminem he is like a comedian as well. That is what sets his lyrics apart. But at the same time his lyrics can be real acid as well. When I look at myself, my own sense of humor comes from a much darker place sometimes, like a more cynical and sarcastic worldview. Sometimes it's like my brain makes a lot of connections, it connect a lot of dots, that a lot of other people just don't. I think the inspiration for humor and comedy often has its roots in that much darker place, but it's an art to filter that darkness the right amount to make it sound funny.

@Sine I really dind t have any serious relationship until now ,the problem is way deeper. I bought Leo s ultimate life purpose course 1 year ago(I did almost 70 % of the course).The book list 4 mounths ago.Then 2 mounths ago I found out about enlightenment ,and this hit me hard like very hard.My dream was to be a movie director.Right now I study Cinematography,but when I found out about enlightenment my dream went to the trash cam.It really fuked me over man.Right now I dont even now what I em because I wached all the videos leo put on about enlightenment .I read books about enlightenment and my mind misinterpreted the information I think .2 days ago I was walking and I didnt know what is real or not.Because the truth of "enlightenment" means that you see that this thing you call you is fake and it does not exist. I think I have a short circuit in my brain.This "enlightenment" stuff is hard wired in my brain right now .At it says "Nothing matters,all of this( my dream) is a distraction.And my motivation disappeared over night.I dont blame Leo, if I had not bought the course sure I was committing suicide until now.I dont know what to think guys, leo says in his videos about enlightenment that relationships are a distraction but Peter Ralston who is enlighted is married.And I stress this thing with relationships so much because tits the last thing that makes me fell alive and not to go crazy and kill miself.I really dont know what to do guys.If I went to the psychologist right now he will think that I em crazy.

I can tell you I worked in a transitional living shelter for a 2 years and helped ran five programs from non-residential to the apartment program , An extensive in house 18 mouth program , groups of almost every kind from training to emotional support. The list goes on and on. I Thought I wanted to go into psychology and help people in that way. So I placed myself in a real world environment to explore that. I would not trade that experience for anything it was amazing. But I learned several things. If you can do this I applaud you. I can tell you that the amount of emotional, physical , mental and spiritual energy it takes to work in that field is Eminence. There is a reason suicide is higher in therapist psychologist and psychiatric disciplines. Addiction is a constant in every persons life in one way or another. You will get great insight into this aspect of life. That includes the simple fact that until the person hits their rock bottom they will not succeed. They have to make that choice themselves and until they do no meaningful work will be done. That being said you have to support everyone like that is the case even when they fail. Relapse is not just part of the process it has to be taken into concentration on a daily basses. I loved my time doing this type of work I would not trade the experience for anything. I met some of the most caring genuine people that ran these programs. I also experienced burnout and saw it in others on a semi-regular basis. It is more destructive than you could know. So anyone that wants or is thinking of doing this kind of work I would tell them to do the same thing I did get in this field in a real way. Even Before that make sure your own emotional, mental, physical and spiritual life are rock solid otherwise your setting yourself up to fail as well as those you could potability help. Second you better find a way to decompress and compartmentalize your life. I know it sounds like I am trying to discourage you. I am not people that can navigate all the challenges and pitfalls of this field are needed and ones that can stay healthy and happy are rare. Maybe you are one of the people that are needed with the rare constitution to do this long term. Get into field get your hands dirty and see what you are in for and start to develop strategy's and ways to cope and adapt. I would recommend at the least one year commitment at the most a two year commitment to really know what you are dedicating the rest of your life too. I can tell you after two years my delusion that I wanted to dedicate my life to psychology and helping other people in this way dissolved. My drive to help others did not change I just go about it differently now. Good luck

But it's not the usual death (through car crash/suicide etc), so maybe there is a more accurate term?

PMS is killing me. The last time it took 2 weeks to go away and now that it's over for this month I feel like a totally different person ;All motivated studying for more than 7 hours a day -feeling confident - feeling like I'm on top of the world- happy - sleeping well and on time and waking up early - no overthiking over trivial things and I practically put my life back together. But you should've seen just a day before my PMS finished. I was actually considering suicide for real feeling unattractive as hell feeling like life has done me a disservice for bringing me here like everything is against me I practically had my face glued to my laptop watching torture movies one after the other for two whole weeks and trying to feel their pain in the movie and adding their misery to my own . And right now I'm kind of worried about this if this keeps happening month after month It's going to ruin my life at one point.But the severity of it differs each month but there was a point that I thought it might be bipolar but after observing the cycle carefully I realized the close link between this mood and my periods so I don't think it's bipolar. I would really appreciate any solutions you might have.

You can call me Joe. I'm hoping my own journey so far and going forward can resonate with some of you. I've really covered the bases when it comes to self-actualization, I swear I know every strategy like the back of my hand - but the changes I've cared about most haven't come. The changes that HAVE happened, have been great. Success with women, presentation skills, healthy diet, etc. But one thing that hasn't changed threatens to root me in place like concrete, for good. There's a cycle, and it begins with getting distracted (riveting I know, just stay with me). I'm now behind on something I was supposed to be working on. I lie and say I've done it - whether this be lying directly or just acting like nothing's the matter. Can't break the facade, which means I can't be seen working on it later. Rather difficult when I have only so much time alone after work, school and research before I see my girlfriend. Don't break the facade, I can just finish it later and make up an excuse as to why it's late (Let me tell you, I'm quite the architect with these.). In the meantime, I've kept myself busy, but with everything EXCEPT what I was supposed to do. Maybe I game, or do 3d modeling, or the news. The time spent on my assignment would have to be explained, if not to someone else than myself - I'd have to face the issue at hand - but even I need to believe the facade. I could finish all the week's work in one night. (I could, I've done it before, but there's no reason in the world to think of that as some dependable occurrence.) As time drags on toward deadlines I can't even put a pencil to a piece of work, or an important email that I have to send. I give up if I start to fail during a day instead of catching myself and switching gears. I'd rather give in and believe that I can't take corrective action than do something about it. Part of this is a tendency to get distracted, but there's something else - something I hope is reversible. When I was kid I used to dream. Sure, I was distractable then too (actually more so) but I didn't have any feeling of resistance when it came to my schoolwork. I loved it. Then middle school came, severe bullying, near suicide, difficulty with parents compounding. I was bullied, at least in part, because I asked too many questions. I liked learning too much. I was the "What-If" kid. What-if the coffee maker could do this? What if the landing craft could do this? What if nature could do this? What if (in math) x could do this? I didn't understand why the abuse was happening, so I aimed the blame inwards and nearly committed suicide at 12. I became anxious, judgemental (toward myself and others), and got most of my drive from keeping up a facade rather than letting my curiosity roam free. As you might guess, keeping up a facade based on lack of effort and ease....isn't sustainable. It was for high school, most of Bioengineering Undergrad. But now, with research, school, work and a girlfriend who just lost her father, the facade can't be sustained. These past couple years, I've tried to use negative thought to force myself to change my actions. The results haven't been good. It's as if I were in a sealed off room, and due to my own breathing I will eventually risk breathing in too high a concentration of CO2. My current strategy would be to hold my breath, to avoid breathing in the CO2 - doesn't work too well, and leaves me with the suffocating emotional feeling I'm all too used to now. Instead, I think I need to reach for the oxygen, and turn on the supply. The oxygen is my..drive. Curiosity, breathing room, whatever you want to call it. Without that flow of oxygen, I'm left with the 2 options I encounter every day: 1. Be paralyzed, suffocate as I stop yourself from taking in any air. 2. Breathe the air that's available - the distractions, the low-engagement entertainment from gaming to news. My need to consume remains, but I'm unwilling to let myself freely do so, out of recollection of what I went through. My biggest hurdle is commitment. My biggest hurdle in accomplishing that is the emotion that I attach to the smallest tasks and decisions. I know that if I can commit to small changes I can avoid the "molehill into a mountain" dilemma. I also know that I need fuel to get me there, and that negativity and self-shaming will do more to fuel the defensive facade than it would productive actions that in their enactment would acknowledge that facade is based on a lie. The ego will always protect itself. And so there's the loop. My goal is to find my dreams again, and form values that will get me there. When these values are strong enough, my daily actions will more easily represent them and the direction I want to go. My goal right now is to be responsible - a small one compared to what I used to have, but perhaps what I need now more than ever. If I can accomplish this one half-decently I should get the momentum I need to do more. Thank you for listening friends, and godspeed. I look forward to knowing you.

I have become mentally disturbed by my thoughts and memories of all of the failures I've made in my life including my dating/sex/romance life, social life, school, work, etc. For years, these things have been negatively affecting my life including my concentration on my schoolwork, my job, my workouts, my social life, etc. It's as if I have demons in my head that have been haunting me for eternity. Since pickup, dating advice, and social advice of all sorts from A-Z have failed me I really wish I didn't feel anything towards anyone anymore. For over 15 years of my life, no therapist nor has any medicine been able to help me with this matter. Also, meditation takes years to for it to work. So, I don't know what to do and don't know where to go now other than committing suicide or continuing to suffer through this forever. I don't want to castrate myself literally because I am too afraid to do something so gruesome like that. I would like to somehow be like a machine with no feelings or emotions for about year. I know that if I were a robot then I would have 100% laser-like concentration and work virtually non-stop on achieving my personal dreams. I am begging with all of my heart, soul, and every fiber of my being that someone here could tell me how to lose my humanity, at least for a brief period of my life.

@Leo Gura You are not talking about suicide though?

@blazed Too bad you can't quit when you like.. or maybe one could by suicide... but then I guess you would still be dealt a random new game. If you only knew, you could just kill yourself every time you get born into a nightmare... but I guess that is a little oversimplicated of an idea. I guess it's just random, infinite and happening in the Now. Anyway, hard to make sense of it with concepts, and without actually being the Truth.

What I also want to say is that if they convinced themselves they are happy, at least it worked for them. They were able to live a long life and not suicide due to unhappiness, because they thought they were happy. From the standpoint of death, does it matter whether they were trully happy or not? Only in the present moment it matters whether you are happy. Death makes everything irrelevant. Sometimes i just think - lets just blow up the entire planet and get it over with. There is no point in it anyway. Unless there is. It's not like if they were actually happy they wouldn't die?

why is all the loneliness creeping up again? what is it, actually? it's cold, a feeling of distance and of being alienated from others. disconnection, separateness, isolation. it's strange, because people around me seem happy. or at least quite ok with their mainstream lives. they study, play video games, watch TV, interact on social media, eat bad food, gossip, get drunk at parties. I lived like that too, it destroyed me. it became so bad, I had finally had to change something in my life. sometimes I think: why can't I be satisfied with that 'normal' life? why can't I be ok with living like the average westerner? then again, what is normal? why have suicide/depression rates never been so high? this isn't leading anywhere good, I've experienced it myself. I have to keep reminding myself of it. but then, why do I feel lonely, empty, sad and pissed of again?

Since last Friday, I've been thinking about an old flame. She's a singer & usually they put together some event at this time of year. However, I haven't heard from her in the past few months & have not actually seen her in, I think, a full year now. After awhile of thinking about it, I felt like a stitched wound in my body just reopened & started gushing out raw emotions. As if the downfall of that relationship happened yesterday, instead of two years ago. I went back to the chat forum on the phone system that her & her friends use to see if they were putting together any event this year. From last year & the years before, they chatted all the time on that forum & it was blowing up my phone. So much so, that I had to disable notification. I rarely paid attention to it until now, when these lamentations popped up & made me wonder if I would see her & her friends this year sing their recital & do a meet & greet. But there was near silence on their chat forum now. As if their chat system was dead or replaced. I did see a screenshot of local newspaper showing there was going to be a recital at a church coming up & she was going to be in it, but no invitations were sent out & nobody said anything about it. It's almost as if there is any chatting going on, it is happening on another chat group & not hers. There's no information, even though there are nearly 300 members on the group. I'd feel really weird about just showing up uninvited. In the past, they would put together lists to find out who would attend in advance. And now there doesn't appear to be anything. I thought I was over all of this but I guess the nostalgia of the event, that sense of belonging, has me in its grip again. It'll pass after some time, if I can get lost in something else, perhaps a story on TV or working. But once I'm alone again, having to live with my silent thoughts, that crushing sorrow rears its ugly head. Sometimes, I get some morning anxiety right before I wake up & I had a thought about planning my suicide. Writing up the will & getting everything ready for my exit. Morning anxiety always plants the most horrible thoughts that my brain can think of. There's not any real reason for these such negative thoughts. And then I also remembered that I probably suffer from Seasonal depression disorder (I think it's called SAD) as I always feel a bit gruesome this time of year. I was just curious about these waves & why it would appear now, after all of this time. Perhaps they were simply repressed & not fully handled at the time. It hadn't bothered me all year until I started to think about it & the upcoming singing recital that I'd attended every year for the past 5 years. There's no grudges from this woman against me, she just drifted away, as women do. She had called me a few months ago about asking me to help her with her resume, but I was caught by surprise & probably talked her out of it. I all I had to do was ask her to arrange a time & then I could talk in person & find out what was going on with her & figuring out my own feelings, since everything I'm going through is just inside me & not happening to her or anyone else. Just an ebb & flow of some old emotions, which I thought were long behind me.

We cannot really "kill the ego", what I have found from the endless regurgitation of guru speak is what really happens is the ego just acts like it 'commits suicide' or dissolves itself and then hides from the awareness in the subconscious mind behind all the trappings of the "enlightened non-dual" rhetoric calling it "truth". After chasing that mythical dragon in hopes to slay it for years I have chosen another path that has brought lasting peace and fulfillment to my life experience. There are no tricks or tips, no practices or beliefs, no ideas or concepts, no truth or right that I can teach about this path other than to say, just be it in the moment. Whatever you seek for your being.... just be it. Then what is all this other stuff in our mind, body, emotion and spirit that tries to interfere with what we seek to be? Some will say it is that ego that needs to be killed. Well, the ego can be killed as readily as the past can be changed or erased so if one is trying to kill the ego they are simply letting the past distract them from the present. In this very moment, in every moment just be what one seeks for one's own being and the ego will take care of itself.

I just realised that depression is the thing that makes you very close to enlightenment. And there are two ways out of depression - first is to fight against it, win and become happy - that’s what people usually do, that’s what psychologist advise to do. And the second way is to go deeper and deeper into depression straight to the point of death, the point when nothing left, then your ego dies out and you realise enlightenment! Not many people decide to go and sacrafice own ego during depression. This is counterintuitive (as Leo would say) if you depressed go and become even more depressed! Suffer, but then sacrifice your ego, your self to reach the very bottom end, literally sacrafice yourself, your life with full honesty without waiting for something in return, without the need and desire for enlightenment, gave away everything, surrender your wants and desire, realise you want nothing, you need nothing, and realise nothing left, realise there is nothing except what it is right now - and then become enlightened. OR go and fight, kill dragon,hope for better, win and become happy again, fight for enlightenment - that’s nice but that’s all ego fight and ego victory, yes you won, but it really is just your ego won. That’s what people usually do during depression, that’s why only few enlightened. Because if everyone would go and sacrifice self when self is already so sad and tired and on the verge then whole western civilisation would be enlightened given the rates of depression. That is what only crazy people would do, coz it’s an existential suicide and no different than real sacrifice of your life! Because by doing this, your self image thinks that it sacrifices itself literally and gonna die after that! Look many enlightened people become so after depression or trauma. So i guess there’s a requirement to go and die on the cross, and only then come back to walk on the water. Maybe it’s not the only way, but it certainly seem as what most of famous enlightened people like Tolle has experienced. Think of dark night of soul. Think of Jesus dying on cross, he asks God ‘why you left me?’, then he accepts god’s will, It’s a clear metaphor of depression, of suffering of the ego, resistance and eventual surrender.

Suicide is pointless, sadly most people never get the experience to realize why until its too late

I think most people would prefer suicide over 3 cups of beans every day. And I'm not sure all vegans out there have the will for same. At some point it feels like you hate yourself.

@Leo Gura But, how do you gain that "overwhelming trust in TRUTH"? I took 300ug al-lad 4 weeks ago. It feels like I actually had an ego death, but reemerged with a terrified, fighting ego, because my sitter directly engaged me in a conversation and I projected onto him beeing my executioner. It took me 4 weeks of all day flashbacks now to realize, that I don't have to commit suicide and I just have to focus on processing those feelings/energies. With this retraumatisation my trust in TRUTH is quiet shattered now...but I want to get fully back on the path. HOW? (trip report in progress)

I was afraid that would be the answer. Although I did kind of allude to it in my original post. In that case how do we overcome the fear of death? So it appears that Necron was right... "All life bears death from birth. Life fears death but, lives only to die. It Starts with Anxiety. Anxiety becomes fear. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. The only cure for the fear is total destruction (not saying I agree with Necron here). In a world of nothing fear does not exist. This is a world that all life desires." Anyway... I guess enlightenment is death with out actually dying? Instead of suicide I guess it's killing all of your desires with out the desires there is nothing to cling on to and nothing to cause you suffering when you don't have it. Including friends and family. Including parts of your body and any ideas you hold on to as "facts" and "truths". The thing is that we as humanity are trying so hard to avoid the void. Instead of avoiding the void why not get comfortable with the void and embrace the void. I guess a way of not avoiding the void is meditation. At a young age I always thought that death means eternal darkness. I had this idea of death in my head as blackness that I am staring at and it's just my thoughts surrounded by this darkness for the rest of eternity and that scared me a lot. Then again that can't be true because these thoughts would have to be coming from somewhere. Well in one video you said we don't spend a lot of time contemplating and we are trying to manipulate things around us. Well in this instance I am not doing that and genuinely trying to understand this "void" so I can get comfortable and accept it. I'm also wondering if there is anything to be learned from Near Death Experiences https://www.near-death.com/science/research/void.html. So the more time we spend alone doing absolutely nothing I'm wondering if that is the best chance we have to not fear death as much as we do (or at least I do).

I don't mean physical suicide of course.