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Thank you so much! First thing I must change, is the whole perspective of this thing. My mind tricked me by telling me that I am not able to ground myself anymore, that leads me to 24/7 uncertainty, feelings of walking on thin ice, like the threshold of feeling safe was transcended. Since that day, I have a strange time perception and everything regarding "time", what currently happens (news for example), triggers my mind and it tells me: "well, you had suicidal thoughts, why are you still here?" After that I get a feeling of what I am doing here anymore and feel like I cant be present, especially that I cant let these thought patterns go. I have a strange belief, that suicidal thoughts HAVE to end in suicide. Can I trick my mind out of it, simply by seeing this whole state differently? Primarily, I accepted that I might be suicidal, so I said I will do everything to get out of this state instead of fearing it.

Sometimes I think about suicide to escape overwhelming pain, but sometimes I think about suicide, because I feel emptiness inside. It is not pain actually. I just feel detached from everything, even from my parents and other loved ones.

thawing. For years, I've felt frozen in this block of ice. Physically stiff, psychologically circuitous, emotionally numb. Blindly falling into the same karmic cycles over and over and over and over again. I didn't realize how frozen I truly was, until I started reading through my old journal entries. All of these memories of past rejections. How I brushed them aside, projected onto the other person (e.g. she's just a stupid bitch), and refused to feel the hurt. Lack of awareness only made me get rejected even more. Slowly but surely, the heart grew colder and colder until it froze. Then my friend committed suicide and my heart became Antarctica. A little more than two years into this work, and I finally feel like I'm thawing. The anger, the hurt, the sadness, the grief. All of it's been coming to the surface. My body is releasing stuckness through yoga. My awareness is increasing through meditation. I see very clearly now that my self-esteem is extremely low, and my fears of humiliation and rejection are extremely high. I see how I've compensated for these fears: the social anxiety, the video games, the clinginess, then the isolation. I see that I haven't been able to forgive myself for what happened to my friend three years ago. I may just have to take a road trip to visit his family for closure. Despite feeling so dang sad, I'm also glad that I'm feeling. I'm actually feeling!

Thank you very much LaucherJunge. I will definitely read her book. However to be honest I cant imagine what can make me feel good. Because the life itself seems grey and nothing draws my interest at those horrible moments when I think about suicide. No success, money or anything external can make me even slightly better. I feel emptiness and meaninglessness inside.

I recommend Teal Swan to you guys, she is the only spiritual teacher I know who actually has the balls to talk about suicide. I don't think that is the case, because I experienced that intense pain fade in a matter of 20 minutes after Teal Swans Completion Process, everything changed from this point on my feelings, behaviour and thinking, literally like I would have gone back in time with a time machine and changed my future. I guess there might be exceptions for people who are physically bound to the pain, but there might be other possibilities I just don't know of to overcome it. Althought I have to say that pain is just pain, you are the ones who make it to be suffering with your thinking, I am at a point where I am capable of loving my pain, atleast the relatively mild pain that was left after the process, thus I don't have it anymore because there is no resistance.

Day 2 - part 2 I'm beginning to rework my schedule so I can start fitting things in. I am going to try waking up at 7am to get a headstart on my meditation before my brother wakes and gets into his games. That's one thing I've found ironic. I used to be a hardcore gamer myself. Before I started working on myself, my days were spent being bored. Waiting for my turn to hop on and play. Now, I don't even touch video games. I played one time and it was sheerly to build a house I had seen in my mind. Beyond that, video games just don't interest me anymore. I even tried installing games on my tablet and they just sat there. I was never inclined to even open them so I just uninstalled them. I'm pretty certain I can say that my interest in video games was nothing more than a time filler. Now my time is so filled with digging around in my brain, finding parts of me that need fixing and then fixing those parts. I am still taken aback from all of this. It still feels so strange. To be able to feel some pride in what I'm doing. Though the itch to get out there and build is still growing. My therapist had gave me a fairly intriguing insight yesterday. That if I want to be a good employee, then later a good partner, I need to be good to me first. This requires that I get this schedule down and follow it. I didn't see the use of a schedule for myself for so long. To say these are things I want to do. It makes me emotional just thinking about it because I still remember exactly where I came from. It seems like a world of difference, but in reality the only thing that changed was me. I had two pivotal breaking points in a couple of weeks that led me here. The last thing I said as the old me was "I can't do this shit anymore". I was balling my eyes out trying to find an answer, I couldn't keep being toxic, I couldn't keep being manipulative, I couldn't keep hurting myself. It was do or die, quite literally. I was so scared because I really felt that suicide was a viable option. In that conversation, I broke. I became unwired. I sought out help. After this break, I immediately went and watched Leo's video on how to deal with negative emotions. I sat there and watched, took it all in. It was at this moment that things began to change in me. I did exactly as he said. I faced that pain inside. That has led me to where I'm at now. I'm still experiencing that swing of wanting to just give in and not wanting to give up. So I give in to study it. Every time. I don't care if I'm at home or outside, if I get hit, I don't fight it. I pick it out and study it intensely. Then I pour love into it. Take responsibility for it. To put this bluntly, its a beautifully tragic experience. Then I can come back to the now and be proud of myself. Which is still so amazing that it hurts.

It's been about 13 months of 30 – 120 minutes of daily meditation/concentration, here and there some self inquiry and about 15 trips on LSD, Al-Lad or shrooms. A lot has changed, but it feels like I've been suppressing or disconnecting from my emotions for too long. In most of my trips so much fear, shame and pain comes to the surface that in 2 of them I seriously considered killing myself cause I just couldn't stand it anymore. And now I am aware of constant shame and fear and pain also during meditation or randomly throughout the day. At least now I can feel something, most of the time in my life I was depressed and numb or not even aware of my anxiety. However recently I do experience some moments of peace, quite rarely, but it's getting more. I've been emotionally disconnected from my parents and couldn't connect to friends throughout my life, so that I cannot remember any love in my life. Been playing quite a role of someone who is overly friendly and funny. I've always tried to hide my pain to the point where I was imitating laughing on a regular basis when really I felt nothing or worse. The few sad moments I had where actually one of the best, I finally felt alive. However recently, when I watch a video of Leo, Eckhart, Rupert etc. I can feel an outburst of love (the trips really helped alot with that). At first I actually wasn't sure what this intense feeling in the area of my solar plexus could be, this is how fucked up I am. I've been compensating this before I consciously started on this journey with weed, alcohol, porn, drama, food, self destructive behavior, isolation, disconnection and daydreaming. I believe if I didn't come across Leo, last year while I was vegetating in my dorm room, being stoned from morning till evening, I would have committed suicide or ended up as a heroine junky. Since then I've never touched weed again and almost no alcohol, I've lost over 44 lbs and am now the leanest I've ever been in my life without any effort, I just don't have any desire for unhealthy food or behavior anymore, it's just the opposite. I still have low self esteem and a victim mentality, but now I can really see this during my interactions. I feel quite stuck in life. I just don't know what to do. Been studying an computer science related bachelor programm for over 2 years now, but I'm quite sure that this doesn't fit in with my values. I just cannot develop any passion for coding, nor do I want to become a software consultant or a project manager. I'm also stuck in the middle of the life purpose course due to limiting beliefs and uncertainty about my values. I am a 24 y/o virgin and this journey doesn't seem to help with that, since I quit going to parties or anything similar for the last year and I have no desire to go back. I've cut down some toxic relationships and feel like I can only relate to one friend anymore(he's also into PD and enlightenment). I am getting more and more aware of synchronistic events and also it seems like I can sometimes intuit what other people think by knowing what they're going to say. I'm also much more aware of other people's emotions, it feels like I've been blind my whole life and probably still am. I feel quite neurotic/anxious about posting this, but I don't care. It felt quite releasing to write this down. Thanks for reading.

@Hardkill That extreme direct style of game was useful for me for a short period. But it's definitely not the best way to approach or something I'd recommend long term. Here's why extreme direct game is useful. Many guys studying the PUA stuff are terrified to put their sexual intentions out there. That was me, and even now I still occasionally fall into it. So you take this terrified guy and you get him to say this really sexual, polarizing line. He will feel like he is committing suicide, but if he pushes through that, then what happens is his comfort zone is massively expanded. Once you CAN do that if necessary, you don't have to keep doing it. The point is you never want to be in a position where you're rationalizing not taking right action out of fear. Fear and getting laid are basically inverses of each other.

Entry 242 | Aiming For The Stars Theory: No greater source of motivation can be generated than that which comes from aiming for the seemingly impossible or goalless. Applying it: Never mind worrying about attainable goals. Aim for the highest levels of mastery possible instead. I've been reading through Mastery, the next book on my agenda, and a lot of the dialogue resonates me more than I imagined. It describes what it takes to go on the journey of mastery and the necessary "keys" that you must obtain to follow it properly. And it amazes me to know that my journey of mastery in fact started almost 10 years ago. That was when I hit such an all-time emotional low that I decided it was time to pursue the extraordinary. That was when my journey to guitar and music mastery truly began. To give you an idea how much this cause meant to me when I first started out, I regret to say that thoughts of suicide were starting to emerge. Completely irrationally, of course, but certain nonetheless. I was made to feel worthless by everybody in my school as they proceeded to bully me, expose, exploit and flat-out ignore me. My close family and my guitar teacher were the only people who I could trust. If it weren't for their belief in me, I never would've had the realisation that I had the potential to be something special and extraordinary. My visions from there on out were fuelled by this potential. As a form of escapism from all the bullshit at school, I would entertain my mind with visions of myself performing guitar alongside my guitar idols. I imagined myself shooting instructional videos, performing concerts in grand halls, and living the rock star life. The vision was so powerful that my actions became a complete slave to it. I cultivated my guitar practice to last many hours, even getting up mid-sleep on some evenings to practice licks and scales. Before this revelation, I was such a slow learner who struggled to keep up with the Grade 8 songs and exercises in guitar lessons. But after the revelation, I knew that in order to become a guitar-playing extraordinaire, I needed to learn from them too. Whilst many my age were learning music from their favourite bands, I learned pieces by guitar virtuosos that were truly astounding. By the age of 16, I was able to perform a song called No Boundaries by Michael Angelo Batio (brownie points if you actually remember me mentioning this tune ages ago!). A link to the video will (regrettably) be linked below The point of this nostalgia trip is to serve as a reminder for how important it is to literally aim for the stars. Don't aim big. Aim HUGE. Aim for the things you know you could never accomplish right now but you could eventually. And over all of those years, that vision may have become stronger and weaker now and then. But it remains with me until this day. The vision never died. The same visions that guided me as a depressed, anxious teenager are the same ones that fuel my actions as a peaceful, positive young adult. What luck to have forged a journey of mastery so long ago. Enough time has passed now for me to know that such a journey and such visions are so fucking worth it! Pick of the day: By comparison, this is me 5 years later:

Hi, this topic will be my main journal. Maybe I will create other journals more specific but for the moment this will be a all purpose journal. This page is a summary of my life, my habits and other significant events that I want to record here for you to understand myself. I will update this page as my journal and my life goes. Age: born in 1990 Gender: Male Location: France, living with parents Current occupation: student in Computer Science Civil status: single Hobbies: problem solving in math, personnal developpement, language learning What I have constructed Diet & nutrition habits: - breakfast: 2 eggs, 3 tomatoes, 1 red pepper, 4 red radish, green salad, 1 tranche of ham, 1 carot, 1 cup of whole rice. - dinner: 2 eggs, pretty much the same thing in terms of veggies , 1 cup of whole rice - supper: 1 steak or 2 sardines, pretty much the same thing in terms of veggies I don't eat wheat, processed food, fast food or high IG glucid. I use Beyond Tangy Tangerine. I take omega-3 pills, nascent idone, and others. I want know to supplement on glutamine, pre-pro biotics and glycine for my IBS but I don't have enough money for the moment. Meditation habit: 1 hour of daily meditation with zafu on my bed beginning between 22h00 and 22h30. I meditate since mid 2015. I meditate principally with Do Nothing Technique and Focus on breath technique. Gym habit: 3 times a week at least. I workout in my house. I have sufficient equipement for this. I compartiment session with: legs, pectoral, back, arms, shoulders. Approximately one muscular group per day. Approximatly 1h30 per session. Sleep habit: in bed between 23h00 and 23h30 and wake up between 6h00 (college time) and 7h30 (holiday time) Productivity habits: every day 1 quiz of Brilliant, every day 10 mins of Duolingo in English Ludotherapy habit: NeuroNation every day for 20 minutes on average. It helps me with depression. Life purpose: solving a particular problem in logical mathematics (tetrality) but now it is impossible Mentors: Jean-Pierre Petit, Godel, Bertrand Russel Misc: I gave up manga (because it is a media that oversexualize a lot and has too much fantasy and false model of reality). I am doing the Nofap challenge. What I have to overcome Addictions: porn addiction (i'm doing NoFap since 2015), masturbation addiction, news addiction Failures: at college, failed physics years (failed my first year, failed my second year), failed mathematics years (failed my first year, failed my second one), failed computer science (failed the second year) and i'm continuing in this program. I have failed so many years at college and now I'm in a program that I hate but where I validated some courses. Computer science is really for those who are stupid, I have never seen such poor science. We are in computer science just to be some technicians and nothing more. At least in physics we learned some advanced math and understanding in the behavior of matter but in computer science all I learn is commands that will be of no use when strong AI will be develop. What i study there doesn't passionate me at all, but I validated some courses so... Health concerns: IBS, imbalance in pelvis (I wear orthotics), bruxism (some teeths are broken), depression, history of drug abuse (LSD and marijuana) Past drug abuse: My brother convinced my to try LSD and marijuana when I was in my lowest phase in life. He destroyed my brain with false claims about those two drugs and just wanted that i do like him. i have now HPPD. Family problems: My mother is very superstitious, she is into new age. My father gave up in life. And my brother is an irresponsible who mocks everyone who is different that him. My mother wanted that I quit maths because she wanted that I do something "more easy" because money and a job is more important than doing your passion. So i quitted math because she persuaded me that I am not good at it. Same with my brother who said to me that I don't have the intellect to do advanced maths. Misc: What I understand more and more through my life is that Suicide: I have programmed my life to terminate to my 35 years, If the global economic crisis and future social upheavals doesn't kill me before. People pleaser: well, nothing to add. I'm a people pleasure that's for sure. Diagnosis by psychiatrists & psychologists: One psychologist diagnosed me with giftedness via emotional tests. This diagnosis is impossible since i'm not good at college and to learn things. One psychiatrist diagnosed me schizo-affective disorder but wanted to conduct more tests on me to be sure at 100%. Since I do not have enough money and that my mother swear to me that I am not schizophrenic, this diagnosis is in suspend. I visited 4 differents therapists on psychology, Cognitive Behavior Therapy, hypnotherapy but nothing worked. I continue to fail all of years in college. Why I choosed to do personnal developpement: Because my life is a mess, because I'm weak and it seems that weak people tends to be in the self-help community. So be it. I'm a looser, it seems that it is my destiny. Some quotes that I like: Every thoughts is an organized system of beliefs (Jean-pierre Petit). Happyness: harmony with oneself. Love: harmony with the other. Love feeds on the happiness of the other without requiring any return. (The Ummites) My point of view on masturbation: For me masturbation is another drug despite all the facts that a lot of psychologists and biologist say the contrary. I will try to argue: that behavior encourages the idea that you don't have to work to have pleasure. The act of masturbation is something you do very easily without accomplishments or without hard work. Sex on the other hand is different for me: you have to work hard on a relationship and/or on a date to make love after that. Masturbation has this component of a drug because: it is cheap, the outcome is a self-pleasure (maybe something that is related to ego) and nothing is accomplished. When I stop masturbating, after a while I feel a lot of benefits, just like Nofap suggests. My point of view on LSD: I had six trip on acid. All very pleasant, no bad trip, no anxiety, no fear and no serious problems in general during the trips. After the 5th one, I started to develop what is called HPPD. My main symptom is static field vision (like an old television, white noise) and distortion on my computer screen after maybe 2 hours on it. I had also change in mood and dissociation disorder. I think that this substance should not be used because of this shadow zone: you know that biologists and neuro-scientists uses a certain protein to identify presence cells being killed. My point of view on Marijuana: My point of view on relationships (marriage with the opposite sex and sexual act): I'm not interested into marriage, sex or relationship with a woman. But the problem is that because of my porn addiction I struggle to not thinking about women and sex. It is clear for me that I don't want to create a life with relationship with a woman, it is not my goal and I don't want my brain to chase after it. Life is short and I don't want to waste it on things that are futile. I want to train myself into not thinking about it and be completely free of it.

dissociation in a nutshell. Once upon a time, body/mind was born. Body didn't feel safe in the first few months of its birth. Perhaps it didn't receive enough breast milk, or enough love from the bigger body/mind parental units. Perhaps it was abused. Whatever the case, it adopted the visceral belief that no matter what it does, it doesn't deserve enough. And thus, the world is scarce and unsafe. This belief manifests in physical form as body/mind grows up. Body/mind is underweight no matter how much it eats. Body/mind has health issues, especially with the large intestine. Body/mind feels fear, depression, and anxiety nearly every waking hour. Body/mind is restless and disorganized. Body/mind has a hard time focusing on long-term tasks. Body/mind doesn't like to be touched. Body/mind is conservative and not open to new experiences or meeting new people. Body/mind has a hard time making money. Body/mind feels generally ungrounded. Mind didn't sign up for this shit. It doesn't want to feel this painful burden that body bears. So what does it do? It splits, or dissociates. Mind tries every way to dominate body in order not to feel the pain and the visceral feelings of danger. Mind tunes out the feelings by doing drugs or alcohol. Mind tries to stay occupied through television, video games, monotonous heady work, mental masturbation, or even real masturbation. Mind tries to solve its problems on the level of mind, thinking that as long as it strengthens itself, it won't have to deal with body. It adopts the belief that the body is a filthy prison that can be transcended. It spends years in meditation. It spends years in talk therapy. It spends years ruminating about philosophical topics. But nothing is working. Body is still screaming fear. At this point, mind has reached the tipping point. It feels tempted to destroy the body in an act called "suicide," because it feels trapped. It feels like all hope is lost. It feels like it's tried everything. Mind feels like it's in a burning office building, where the building is the body. Mind devised an ultimatum. It's either jump out the window, or walk into the fire.

Dark Night involves more hopelessness in my opinion. Most depression is usually caused by deep but temporary strong negative emotions. The majority of people who get out of depression do so because they either tried to commit suicide but failed or they didn't take action at all. It's interesting how gun control can reduce the number of suicides simply because choosing a gun to kill yourself has a higher success rate than other methods.

Living organism is afraid to die. All what living organism does is surviving. Whatever we do is aimed to live now or live more in future, and all our motivations come from this. We work to live. We create art coz we will feel more alive if we do. Whole society is structured in the way to make life better or at least people THINK their structure, system will make life better, but still it stems from desire for life. And society advances coz people want to live better. We treat deceases to live more. We fall in love to live because need for love is a need to feel alive = desire to live. We do science and try to learn new because we think knowledge will make life better = we will feel more alive, OR we learn because learning is interesting, and feeling interested = feeling alive = desire to live. We do religion to have better life, or to have better afterlife which also comes from biological desire to live. We do personal development to have better life = to feel more alive. We even self-destruct to feel more alive! We drink alcohol to feel alive, to feel good. We harm ourselves, we blame ourselves or beat ourselves up because we want to fix something in order to improve life and feel more alive eventually. We even commit suicide coz it is one way of dealing with problems and dealing with problems = improving life = desire to live, so we kill ourselves because we want to live! Very paradoxical. So our whole life is simply a run to win some more time in this world, getting some more life for yourself or for whoever you identify with, for your family, kids, friends, countrymen, homo sapience species, any living organism, planet Earth (that's why we care about climate change). We pursue enlightenment to know the truth, to be happy, and why we naturally want this truth or this happiness? Because we will feel more alive. Truth is nice, right? Truth will ultimately make you very bad? No, Truth will make it very good for you. Desire for absolute truth is desire for life, for more life, for having this very moment constantly. Life is all about life, and desire for truth is all about life, all non-living things don't care about life, and all living only care about life. Our cells are charged with energy, plus and minus, and it is scientific fact. Positive and negative energy, ying and yang, life and death. Cells have negative energy so they can die out to create new cells, but this have its limits for human. But not for all animals, there are some animals who never age like Greenlandic whale, naked mole-rat and some others. They can die though in this wild world but not from ageing. So doesn't all that mean that the point of life is to live forever and living organism is not necessarily designed to die eventually, and what Jesus and Buddha tried to make is a manual of eternal life for a living organism, all nirvana and heaven notions??? Was it not the manual of creating heaven on Earth, right here, right now with your own mind and body? And heaven is where your are young, happy and live forever. What if they saw that heaven is possible on Earth? What if they implied not only achieving understanding and experiencing of infinity, eternity but actually living forever as a human-being in your own body. They gave us some diet advices, some good habit advices, good behaviour advices etc which all aimed on making us to get into heaven state. Of course their knowledge was limited comparing to what we have now. The truth and enlightenment are not enough, I guess for this matter you have to have your whole life to live in certain way, like super-healthy, not living in bad ecology, only drinking some very high quality water etc. I understand that life and non-life dichotomy or borderline only exist as illusion within absolute. But can we make a thought experiment? What if absolute infinity is sort of a life within nothingness which is sort of a non-life. Absolute infinity wants to live forever, while nothingness doesn't care. Interesting fact, meditation slows down ageing, I guess enlightenment even more. But what if there is more to enlightenment, deeper and deeper enlightenments? Longer and longer, until you constantly experiencing bliss and happiness, and peace? And what if there is a stance that will make your body to stop age and die, and make your cells to reproduce without limits? Of course, given that your lifestyle and environment is healthy in all terms. I mean, if some animals like naked mole-rat have gone trough evolution and now don't have genes that is responsible for ageing, thus staying eternally young, why can't human do this without waiting for evolution? So, can we say that human-being only desires to live forever, i.e. to live in this moment infinitely, and actually able to live forever? Coz 'human being was created in the image and likeness of God', and God is infinite. I want you to realise that your rationalisation of acceptance of eventual death doesn't matter coz your instincts will always make you to try to survive even when you are on your deathbed. You can even feel that you accepted death and feel that you had a nice life, but on your deathbed - your body will try to do anything to live one more moment and one more moment and so on for infinity. Just like the universe. Sorry for my english, i hope its all clear

@Anna Konstantaki Chances are that when you will free yourself from these lies, compulsiveness and mental dead ends, you won´t even stray so much for what you think it is that you need. If I translate correctly, you want that I give up what I want in life? Then, ok. Everyone wants that I quit, that I stop pursuing what I consider to be the right thing to do. Well guess what...I already quit! And guess what? I fucking regret it!! I understand now, people want that I quit so that I can "be in peace". Let's just be in the present and not pursue desires!!! fucking idiots! @Outer If you do take psychedelics, lay down, take it, close your eyes - play the associated music track, meditate, the substance will last for 6 hrs. You are psychos!!!! LSD, drugs and shrooms are potentially destroying the structure of the brain!! A Proof is the actual shape I am right now. All you want to do in this forum is to use psychedelics because you don't know any better to improve your life, you psychos!!! This forum, personnal development, journalism and all on that forum is shit. I have made no progress with that. When you are screwed up, you are screwed up period!! I'm nearly 30, with no experiences on the job market, the only option in this competitive world is shitty jobs for the rest of my life, period!!! I quit all of you psychedelics-eaters and accept-yourself-persons. Fuck you all! Suicide is king, suicide is love, suicide is the answer! Farewell once and for all!

david and goliath. I'm not sure if I'll be able to rise up out of my own bullshit. I think I've reached my last leg. I'm tired and lonely as fuck. I feel like nothing's changed. I've meditated, stretched, breathed, read hundreds of books, tried pursuing a higher purpose with music for three years. I even went out and busked in front of hundreds of people on a busy street on several occasions. But nothing will remove the guilt of my friend's suicide. Nothing will remove the endless rage I have for my father and my brother. Nothing will remove the anguish I feel when I contemplate life's utter lack of meaning. Nothing will remove the sense of deficiency I feel constantly. Nothing will remove the inner critic that tells me that I suck at making music and that I should quit like I did a decade ago. From what I (barely) remember (seriously, I can hardly remember my past), I used to feel joy as a kid. I also used to cry a lot, but I used to feel genuine joy. Now, I can barely feel my feet. They're cold and sometimes numb. There's a tension deep in my navel that's been around since the suicide, and I haven't been able to go to the bathroom without assistance from an enema. Talking to my parents is like talking to fucking automatons. Especially my Dad. All he does is hoard, protect, hoard, protect, perpetuate his identity, rinse, repeat. All is logic to him, and little does he realize that his emotions are telling him that. Do you know how frustrating it is to try to communicate with someone like that? It's like trying to talk to a broken record. Like someone from another dimension. And I hold my tongue as much as I can, because money. The slimy, manipulative fuck that I am. And now, here I go again. As I'm drowning and sinking back down into the depths, I come back to this forum platform. For what? Do I really expect someone to throw a line out for me? To give me some magical bullshit word-formula that I've already heard in the 100+ books I've read? What the hell do I want? Nothing? Then what the fuck am I doing? What's the point of living if I don't even want anything? What's the point of trying to drive a car that doesn't want to start? I have a doc appointment in ten days, but I don't really expect too much, since it's a western doctor. He'll probably say it's depersonalization or DTD and give me some tranquilizers with questionable side effects so I can continue to plod along and chew my cud like all the other somnambulistic zombies (i.e. my family) out there. Treating symptoms not causes, as per usual. It's so sad. This physical, social, emotional and spiritual disconnection. Part of me wants to give life and everything a great big hug. But then there's the other part that doesn't want to be hurt again, doesn't want to be rejected again for the 10487th time and reminded once again that he's a defective piece of shit. But it's already too late, since he believes he's a defective piece of shit and it seems that no amount of mirror affirmations or inner child work will fix that. The fears are endless, and the walls are high. I've got no other enemy but myself. David and Goliath. At least I have this beaut of a song.

@cetus56 That is true, I have actually heard a few stories like that.. I'm not sure if you're familiar but that kind of reminds me of the Johnny Cash story, from memory it was a similar situation where he'd been with his wife for a lifetime and they both passed together within a short space of time. Obviously the desire to live had truly fallen away, much like the case with your Mom it seems (thanks for sharing some insight with that story as well). - I think that is a great and concise explanation of what is going on here.. I remember seeing the video where Sadhguru tells that story, it may have also been in this one (video below) where he tells a story of how he helped an elderly man perform his mahasamdhi in front of a small crowd including police officers, who had come after hearing this man 'was going to commit suicide' haha, thought that was quite funny. I've heard him talk about this 'final conscious exiting whilst alive' many times.. not just in relation to others but to himself and his advanced practitioners as well (pretty sure there was another story as well where he was scrambling to find some food to keep him in desire/the body, otherwise he says he would've slipped out). I know it's definitely in this one wear he talks about the use of the copper ring I mentioned in my initial post... - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CSthgmU3xtE

Entry 224 | Drive Theory: To be driven as a person means to have a clear mental picture of the person you intend to become. Applying it: Make sure a single day doesn't go by where you aren't focussing on the long-term future you are destined for. Without intending to go on an ego field trip with this topic, it has to be said that throughout my teenage years into adulthood, one quality that has never changed within myself is drive. A drive that recognises everything that is possible whilst also being present with where I am now. Ever since that so-called crisis situation with my friends back in early secondary school, I knew that I was destined for better things than what were happening at the time. Potentially even great things. And once again, it's not to suggest any egoic desire to be greater than everybody else because I've since reasoned that we are all equally worthy, special and great in our own way. The point here is that rather than giving up and denying my own worthiness to live a great life, I always embraced the possibility of a better tomorrow. And it certainly did the trick. I'm here, right? But what influenced that decision? Especially given that my emotions around that time were severely distressing, if there was ever such a thing that could transcend the suffering, it had to be nothing short of powerful. It had to be a cause worth dying for because anything otherwise may have led to suicide. And indeed it was one of the mots powerful moments of my whole life. I remember exactly where I sat in the diner of a caravan park near Leamington Spa, listening to the music of a guitarist who would become my first source of inspiration. What happened? I realised that if this guitarist can have such an inspiring career, then so could I. In that moment, I created a powerful vision for my own personal future. From that day on, I strove to become the guitarist and performer of my dreams. And all of the best decisions in my life so far have been fuelled by this decision: the desire to shred, the desire to learn guitar pieces that even my teachers felt were too difficult, the urge to learn to play the acoustic guitar, the desire to study music at university, the willingness to audition for (and eventually win) a performance scholarship whilst at university, to perform devilishly hard pieces from all of my guitar idols for my final-year recital, to constantly write and perform new music, to pursue a career as a performing musician. The transformative power of a strong vision must not be underestimated. My vision is so strong that it has remained intact for a solid 9 years leading up to right here right now. And it feels wonderful. My gratitude is immense for my younger self who managed to create this life right now without even being aware of the wonders he was working. And just like I have done for 9 years, there's only one thing I can do: keep the faith. Pick of the day:

Very very confronting. And to some extend dark. You can use this analogy on a micro scale in terms of suicide for example. Even though the ego is a source of suffering... We don't hate life THAT much. And what is there to like without suffering? This contrast gives birth to meanings we attach onto things.

Just notice that there is no danger, really. It´s not like tiger and drug dealers are chasing you. You are not gonna die. Dont play with suicide when you are 19. Nothing lasts in this world, everything is changing constantly. If you feel like this 20 years from now, then you have my permission to cash out. But, now try to relax a little bit and then try every method. (shrink, meds, etc.)

You got me a bit wrong... I am 19 years old and I dont want to take meds because no matter how bad I am, I want to stay as natural as I can, I just cant do that to my brain. I am young and my brain is still in a state of evolving. Moreover the fear of the sideffects is so overwhelming, if I'd take them, it would put me into a state of guilt, dont know why, but I would feel guilty. When I'd have a plan for suicide, I would take them, I dont have one yet. I am just at a point where I figure out, if this life is still worth living. Yeah in 3 weeks I am seeing a therapist. @Nahm Honestly, my perspective right now is unbelievebly limited. I can barerly get out of this perspective that I am destined to suffer and this is all my destiny. I dwell on destiny every day. I read so much spiritual stuff and I told myself, I will only get through this when my ego dies. I worried about all this stuff that my mind is in a state of irrationality, confusion, escapist. Since I've had this terrifying attack because of the thoughts of future and that I kill myself if it gets unbearable, my sense of self is so hazy, I feel like I lost myself in time and that with time running forward, I will lose myself even more until I dont know myself anymore. Thats the reason I have a massive anxiety of time (sounds kinda funny, but it isn't at all)... This thought creates pain in me. But when I somehow get totally present, being fully aware of these thoughts, the pain dissolves, but as soon as I get unconscious about them, the suffering gets worse and worse. Last time I was in a state of consciousness was in mid-september, but I came to the (bad) conclusion that consciousness alone cannot be the only cure. Since I've had this attack, I have a constant fear that I will kill myself accompanied with an intense agony. But somtimes I ask myself: is this shit all a bluff, is this pain self-inflicted? vs this "voice" in your head could be true, dont leave it alone" I am worried because I recovered from anxiety by not believing my thoughts, but now it just seems like I cant stop listening to them and believing them. It is like I have the urge to suffer. I just cant go on like this, I dont know what I am going through, but it is freaking scary and I am confused to the bone, because NO ONE can give me a rational answer to what I feel, not even me. It just feels like I should not be here anymore, everything seems odd, music, TV etc...

It's your choice, bud. If the meds work correctly, yes they kind of zombify you, but that's only a temporary numbing of your extreme negative psychological experience of life. That allows you to take more action than you would have previously. If you're really on the edge with the suicide stuff and you're not able to integrate better behaviors and patterns into your life because your too depressed they are an option that can help you get beyond that. After a while you can simply get off them and stop being a zombie when you feel appropriate. It can be a good option for people like you, but again it is your choice. I just hope you're not irrationally shrugging this off as an option because it could really help you.

Considering the last time Leo was late for a video a few weeks ago, I found that someone had jumped from an apartment complex in Vegas and wondered what the hell was going on! Then a few weeks later, we get yet another massacre, except this one being the first on Trump's watch. They said the killer was wealthy & a professional gambler, making money hand over fist, playing $100 hands at Poker. I figure he was a highly functioning sociopath that lived for cheap thrills. I bet he had thought about performing a massacre over the past few decades whilst contemplating suicide, a similar mindset that serial killers have: they want to be caught or dead, they want it to be sensational, & it's all done for thrills. Like serial killers, or sociopaths, they don't have any feelings & because of that, they can't have any compassion for anyone. It's still quite bizarre that someone who had everything they could want would act this way. I wonder if he had killed anyone else before this. And the body count is rising...

I appreciate your help. But my brain just seems to be incapable of absorbing any kind of information or wisdom. I am confused to the bone, docs wanted to keep me in the hospital. I just sat there saying I cant explain how I feel. I just am. I am just empty. I feel nothing at all. I said I have fear of time. They kinda laughed. I dont have plans for suicide. But now I am in a state where I dont know whats right or wrong, if I should swallow this pill prescribed from the doc or just continue. I have fear it will trigger DPDR again, and I am then not able to control myself.

Listen to some Alan Watts. His wisdom and warm voice may calm you down. It may help you realize that it doesn't actually matter at all whether you kill yourself or not...... it's pointless to kill yourself and it's pointless to keep living,... so if everything is pointless, like i tell you, really, absolutely nothing that happens matters at all *except for those happenings you attach yourself to and apply your own constructed meaning (which by the way right now to a large degree is determined by society/culture/your parents, you're just not aware of it, so technically not your own meaning)* ... then why not just stop doing anything (including killing yourself, inlcuding being upset over your monkey-mind that won't quiet down, just let it do its thing man, don't be so upset over it) ?? I mean litterally... just stop everything you're doing and just watch what happens... when your body gets hungry, naturally the body will do what's nessecary to get food, when your body is tired, naturally it will sleep, when "the person" you think you are, but which is just an illusion, is sad, it will cry, and so on and so on. In other words, if everything is completely pointless and meaningless, including suicide and living, then why the hell not just stick around for a little longer and play the game of life? The tides could change, it could be more fun at some point. Since you're so low right now, it doesn't take much for you to get to a 'high', since a 'high' is only defined in contrast to 'low'. Since you obviously will die eventually (no matter what; either you kill yourself, you die of age, you die in an accident, or you die of a disease) why fear what's going to happen? Why not do something crazy? Don't be afraid to set your mark on the world, don't be afraid to follow your crazy dreams, don't be afraid that other will laugh of you, don't be afraid of failing, cos in the end; you will die, and all you did/didn't will not have mattered anyway, so don't be afraid man... there is litterally nothing to be afraid of. Of course if a tiger comes out of the woods, you will be afraid, but this is a natural reaction. Right now, you're afraid of unnatural, conceptually, ego-created, society-created reasons... throw those reasons away, they're not natural. Read my quote from Alan Watts in my signature, trust what he's saying is right, and then go search alan watts and youtube and begin listening to the old man. doesn't matter which video/speak you start with, everyone are golden.

My thoughts are based on the past. Those suicidal thoughts traumatized me to the bone. I thought I'd die to suicide soon and since I didnt do it, I constantly get thoughts that I should have done it. These thoughts put me instantly in the past and since these automatic suicidal thoughts my time perception has been so odd. I cant even do something, even listening to music without having the thought that I should have died. This feeling is just unbearable and automatically creates an abnormal and doomed fear of the future, I feel like I will lose myself completely in future. I cant imagine future and past anymore, they dont seem logic to me anymore, just a big blurr. My mind is just completely worn out and in a constant fog, completely emotionally numb. I dont know who I am anymore.