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@AleksM Hope you don’t mind but I found the “stages” from your link so clear and precise I thought I’d just post them here. Question for you also...I would say one’s reality - as in surroundings & relationships - their ‘microcosm’ - miraculously transforms along with them somewhere along these stages of awareness. If you’re view is similar, where would you estimate that it begins to become apparent that this was happening all along? Shame – Just a step above death. You’re probably contemplating suicide at this level. Either that or you’re a serial killer. Think of this as self-directed hatred. Guilt – A step above shame, but you still may be having thoughts of suicide. You think of yourself as a sinner, unable to forgive yourself for past transgressions. Apathy – Feeling hopeless or victimized. The state of learned helplessness. Many homeless people are stuck here. Grief – A state of perpetual sadness and loss. You might drop down here after losing a loved one. Depression. Still higher than apathy, since you’re beginning to escape the numbness. Fear – Seeing the world as dangerous and unsafe. Paranoia. Usually you’ll need help to rise above this level, or you’ll remain trapped for a long time, such as in an abusive relationship. Desire – Not to be confused with setting and achieving goals, this is the level of addiction, craving, and lust — for money, approval, power, fame, etc. Consumerism. Materialism. This is the level of smoking and drinking and doing drugs. Anger – the level of frustration, often from not having your desires met at the lower level. This level can spur you to action at higher levels, or it can keep you stuck in hatred. In an abusive relationship, you’ll often see an anger person coupled with a fear person. Pride – The first level where you start to feel good, but it’s a false feeling. It’s dependent on external circumstances (money, prestige, etc), so it’s vulnerable. Pride can lead to nationalism, racism, and religious wars. Think Nazis. A state of irrational denial and defensiveness. Religious fundamentalism is also stuck at this level. You become so closely enmeshed in your beliefs that you see an attack on your beliefs as an attack on you. Courage – The first level of true strength. I’ve made a previous post about this level: Courage is the Gateway. This is where you start to see life as challenging and exciting instead of overwhelming. You begin to have an inkling of interest in personal growth, although at this level you’ll probably call it something else like skill-building, career advancement, education, etc. You start to see your future as an improvement upon your past, rather than a continuation of the same. Neutrality – This level is epitomized by the phrase, “live and let live.” It’s flexible, relaxed, and unattached. Whatever happens, you roll with the punches. You don’t have anything to prove. You feel safe and get along well with other people. A lot of self-employed people are at this level. A very comfortable place. The level of complacency and laziness. You’re taking care of your needs, but you don’t push yourself too hard. Willingness – Now that you’re basically safe and comfortable, you start using your energy more effectively. Just getting by isn’t good enough anymore. You begin caring about doing a good job — perhaps even your best. You think about time management and productivity and getting organized, things that weren’t so important to you at the level of neutrality. Think of this level as the development of willpower and self-discipline. These people are the “troopers” of society; they get things done well and don’t complain much. If you’re in school, then you’re a really good student; you take your studies seriously and put in the time to do a good job. This is the point where your consciousness becomes more organized and disciplined. Acceptance – Now a powerful shift happens, and you awaken to the possibilities of living proactively. At the level of willingness you’ve become competent, and now you want to put your abilities to good use. This is the level of setting and achieving goals. I don’t like the label “acceptance” that Hawkins uses here, but it basically means that you begin accepting responsibility for your role in the world. If something isn’t right about your life (your career, your health, your relationship), you define your desired outcome and change it. You start to see the big picture of your life more clearly. This level drives many people to switch careers, start a new business, or change their diets. Reason – At this level you transcend the emotional aspects of the lower levels and begin to think clearly and rationally. Hawkins defines this as the level of medicine and science. The way I see it, when you reach this level, you become capable of using your reasoning abilities to their fullest extent. You now have the discipline and the proactivity to fully exploit your natural abilities. You’ve reached the point where you say, “Wow. I can do all this stuff, and I know I must put it to good use. So what’s the best use of my talents?” You take a look around the world and start making meaningful contributions. At the very high end, this is the level of Einstein and Freud. It’s probably obvious that most people never reach this level in their entire lives. Love – I don’t like Hawkins’ label “love” here because this isn’t the emotion of love. It’s unconditional love, a permanent understanding of your connectedness with all that exists. Think compassion. At the level of reason, you live in service to your head. But that eventually becomes a dead end where you fall into the trap of over-intellectualizing. You see that you need a bigger context than just thinking for its own sake. At the level of love, you now place your head and all your other talents and abilities in service to your heart (not your emotions, but your greater sense of right and wrong — your conscience). I see this as the level of awakening to your true purpose. Your motives at this level are pure and uncorrupted by the desires of the ego. This is the level of lifetime service to humanity. Think Gandhi, Mother Teresa, Dr. Albert Schweitzer. At this level you also begin to be guided by a force greater than yourself. It’s a feeling of letting go. Your intuition becomes extremely strong. Hawkins claims this level is reached only by 1 in 250 people during their entire lifetimes. Joy – A state of pervasive, unshakable happiness. Eckhart Tolle describes this state in The Power of Now. The level of saints and advanced spiritual teachers. Just being around people at this level makes you feel incredible. At this level life is fully guided by synchronicity and intuition. There’s no more need to set goals and make detailed plans — the expansion of your consciousness allows you to operate at a much higher level. A near-death experience can temporarily bump you to this level. Peace – Total transcendence. Hawkins claims this level is reached only by one person in 10 million. Enlightenment – The highest level of human consciousness, where humanity blends with divinity. Extremely rare. The level of Krishna, Buddha, and Jesus. Even just thinking about people at this level can raise your consciousness

@Nahm Evolution created consciousness with an ego which allowed humans to do what exactly? Have the illusion to choose? What benefit would that be compared to all the other animals who are not 'self-aware' like we are and are able to go about jsut fine without mental anguish, global wars, self-harm, suicide, destroying their environment, taking drugs, torture one another... the list goes on.

@Shin How can one let go of extremely traumatic events? My uncle just tried to commit suicide - he tried to hang himself and he also opened his neck with a knife and stabbed himself. It was a horror blood bath. He's schizophrenic, and hearing voices and he's in deep suffering. He says he can't take it any more. I am just so sad about this. Are these people beyond repair? Should we just let them kill themselves? Furthermore can these people get out of hell on their own?

Hey everyone on the interwebs. I have to ventilate since well, it will be explained in the end of the over simplified version of my life if you wish to read it. Its not special by any means and my writing style might make make some of you explode but... Ps. English is not my native language... Age 1-6 Indoor kid watching whs tapes and tv, playing with toys, being with my parents, going to the water park with my dad and cousin, bullied at pre school, being so naive and having no social skills that i'm being taken advantage of neighbor kids when trying to play with them. Age 7-12 Moved to a better school without bullying, people want to hang with me after school for some time, i realice that life has no meaning and everything i do is pointless, depression starts, problems with studies starts, school kids find me weird and dont want to be with me anymore, begin smoking. Age 13-17 Feel hollow inside, finally someone wants to hang with me after school, being at youth centers all day, meet another guy that toke more than anyone there, start smoking weed with him and eventually taking psychedelics and a variety of other drugs, being depressed i know its extra risky but i dont care about my self, im being bullied again but dont understand that its hapening becuse simultaneously im with people i can laugh and smoke with. I had one friend from school i hanged with alone outside from youth centers that i feel i could talk to about personal stuff, now i'm with youth criminals that knows my naivety, they make me steal and burn cars and push me around all the time, i saw nothing wrong with that. School eventually caught on that i smoke reefer and call in my dad, he was furious, he was ashamed of me and forbid me from being outside, i wanted to die and so i tried comiting suicide after the meeting, didn't work, being let loose ouside again the cycle of getting caught repeats itself several times, sober for a while i finally invinte the girl i like home to me and we chill, after that i feelt even more empty and confused and didnt talk to her anymore, im a wreck and just wanted to die, get diagnosed with depression at 14, talk with a psychologist for a while, don't see any improvements so i get antidepressants prescribed, eventually i feel the effects, im a somewhat happy soul less doll now. Outside again i return to my self destructive ways, but now its synthetic cannabis, was more of a wreck than ever, sent to rehab for youths by social services and parents, i agreed to it as well, everyone there smuggeld in synthetic cannabis, was a outcast there too since a stole there product, its realy addictive so yeah, 8 months later i get out since im 18 and could decide for my self, parents dont know ive been using all that time. Age 18-19 I decided i would quit antidepressants since i was didn't feel real anymore, a soul less doll if you will, more down i was but real i felt, now i try school again, once again i return to my self destructive ways, leaving positive urine samples all the time since the school already knew about my habits, i quit school, get sign in to a government internship kinda thing going from place to place where people is needed for shit jobs, land one where i get a good enough salary and regular work hours, i feel like i have some purpose, work college is a nerd like me so that's nice, still hanging with that one friend from high school, he has a girlfriend now so we tooke at her place very often, life feels a little better, they break up. I and other friend of his get called over by my friends ex, she told us the shit he actually thought about us, we both were shocked, we were shown texts he had sent to her about me and the other guy, he sent a text a week later witch i didnt answer to, he never called or texted me again, guessing he figured out or were told by her what he had said about us two his ex told us the shit he hade been saying behinde our backs, i honesly dont know. Age 20-21 (pressent day) I moved from home still working the same job, the job was on a time limit and it was over, i live on the government, my dad gave me a number a work college had given him to a hypnotherapist, the sessions were expensive but seems too made me be able to forgive my self and the people that hurt my in my past, but still i feel gloom, started studying to finish my gymnasium grades but i have cancelled that becuse one day when i helped my dad paint there cabin i remebered how much i enjoyed painting, i just got accepted to the school and will start there soon and hopefully it will be fun to learn something for one's outside from regular school. I stumbled upon Leo's videos on youtube one day and find his videos interesting since ive been an abstarct thinker my whole life but brushed it off until i saw one pop up on my recommended feed again, watched them weekly, signed up on his website, bought the book Meditations by Marcus Aurelius and it was like i switch in my head had flipped and i was no longer feeling sad or lonely anymore, i was happy being alive and doing good for my self and my family, i didnt need anything else i tought, so i started eating even healthier than i alredy was and working out too, walking up straight, looked people in the eyes when walking in town and smiling. I saw beauty in the world for once instead of darkness and despair.The Voice inside my head that keeped talking down to me where gone so i stopped smoking weed, stoped vaping, still working on the porn but i cant stop feeling good being alive for the first time in my life. I saw Leo's video "How to raise rockstar kids" today and it hit right in the feels and i became hollow inside, took down the drapes and layd in my beed in darkness feeling nothing again. I deccied to share my nutshell version of my life instead of digging my self a new hole again. Its seems to have helped. I feel again, somehow but everything still dosent fell right. I need to start meditating. Inspiration...

It’s been a long time since I posted anything. I wasn’t bored in the meantime at all. The whole month was spent having very emotionally difficult, exhausting, painful end-of-relationship time with my ex boyfriend. Filled with scenes, arguments, resentment and tears. I felt like on some kind of an insane swing from hell. One day, it seemed that things could be saved, and that they would work out eventually. There was even a strong feeling of love and belonging on some days. On others, there was nothing but resentment, mean words or deep, heavy silence. In this, I spent pretty much all December. And also had the worst Christmas holidays of my life (even worse than last year, which I spent all alone, depressed and miserable in my mother’s home). It all culminated yesterday , on the very last day of the year. Coincidentally, also the last day of our relationship. I had another LSD trip two weeks ago, my second. It was nice, less intense than the first (not a full ego death). And I decided to do another yesterday, on December 31. Bad decision. BAD DECISION. To my credit, though, I had no way of predicting it would be so horrific. Things seemed to be relatively stabilized with boyfriend, since 2 days ago, and going well (sort of). And I wanted to have a trip while skyping with my young friend/lover Apollo, who had never had a trip and never even had seen anyone tripping – I thought it would be a nice and interesting experience for us both, him trip sitting me online, so to speak. Well, that didn’t quite work out the way I had imagined. I took the tab at noon, like before. It kicked in after about an hour. Again, it was a weaker trip, without a full ego death (but on the other hand, strong enough to be terrifying and nearly unlivable). To my massive surprise, and hurt, Apollo announced at 2:30 PM that he had to go, and stated some activities that he needed to do, that seemed really trivial to me in that state. So he went away, and I felt hurt and cried a little. Which is obviously a bad thing to happen while you are tripping. I knew I had probably 12 or so more hours of the trip to go, and it was going to be bad. Then I chatted for a bit with Hermes, my ever-busy workholic boyfriend, now ex. He also told me in no uncertain terms that he was busy, he had work to do (and indeed, he spent the whole New Year’s Eve working, until about 3 in the morning… yep). So I was left all alone in the room, with only my computer to type my "hallucinating" ideas on – which I did, I wrote some 8 pages during this trip, as I did on both previous trips, too. I’m clearly not the type who is good at doing psychedelic trips alone, and shouldn’t be doing them alone, at least for now. I tend to get scared often and need reassurance and company, and someone to talk with. So being left alone, I took the puppy to my lap most of the time, at least, to keep me company. But at other times, that wasn’t enough, and I had to go to the other room and try to talk to Hermes, who was obviously busy each time, working on his computer. I felt like I was disturbing him and begging for any bit of attention that I had no right to. But I still had to go because I really couldn’t handle being alone. On one of those early visits to the other room, I had the bad (hallucinating?) idea of starting a conversation about our relationship. And Hermes had the worst idea possible of a response. He let me know with absolute coldness and decisiveness (both quite unusual for him) that the relationship was over, he didn’t love me, never wanted to be with anyone in the first place, wants to be alone for the rest of his life because he’s just better off that way, and had been trying to end this relationship since over a year ago (which was news to me, especially as he was telling me most of that time that he loved me and wanted me, and so on). Well. What can I say? Please, anyone who ever has the idea to tell something like this to a tripping person, don’t. I repeat, DON’T. Even if it’s true. This is not something a tripping person has any capacity to deal with. I argued, pleaded, cried tons, collapsed on bed in this heavy body that didn’t even feel like it was mine, begged…. And all for nothing. Hermes kept his newfound (newfound at the worst moment possible) coldness and decisiveness till the end. Actually, till this moment. While tripping, I had to observe my life as I had known it collapsing for good, to never be rebuilt. And not being able to do a thing about it. Yesterday was the first time I experienced the feeling of absolute, complete, unnegotiating self-hatred, loneliness, destitution and despair. It was by far the worst thing I’d ever experienced, and I wouldn’t wish this even on my worst enemy. I spent the rest of my trip, which went on for 15 hours altogether, mostly laying on the bed, with or without the puppy in my arms, wishing to just switch off, die, but frustratingly not being able to even do that. It was an experience after which my life can never be the same again. A lot of things in me died. I don’t wish to even relate to my past life, and I don’t want to be, and am not, the person that I was until yesterday. Here are some excerpts from the trip report that I typed throughout this trip. It’s excrutiating to read, indeed. And it doesn’t come even close to how horrible the actual experience was. "I would feel better without this body. Just a whole wide plane of possibilities. Body is cumbersome, it’s stupid, it’s 3 dimensional and heavy and stands in the way. But i have to be in this body for now. I have to be "her" for now. It’s just a short term gig. 70-80 years max. Hermes thinks there’s something super wrong with him. But that’s like, welcome to everyone’s world. Everyone has to have something wrong with them. It seems so by design. Why it is that way? I don’t know. Everyone has a lot of wrong with them. It’s impossible not to. But what can you do? You just deal with what you have on your hands. Apollo has just left me all alone. I was counting on him to trip sit me, but he all of a sudden said that "he had to go", he will study and then go to a doctor. And I should text him when I’m done tripping. He just dropped me like that. And so did Hermes. They are both busy. They have "real" things to do, which obviously are more important than my "hallucinations". To them, that seems to be the case. They have no time to spare. I can go fuck myself. And they can go fuck themselves too. I can do it alone. I can do all alone, in the absolute. Hermes has now said that it was "incompatibilities in nearly everything" what ended our relationship. He blames it on "incompatibilities", because that’s a nice handy word. But in his more honest moments, he admits that he wanted to be alone since long before he even met me, and that’s why he kept on sabotaging the relationship over and over and over. Incompatibilities are just a handy excuse. The truth is much more brutal. Incompatibilites are a nice label that says nothing at all, and certainly isn’t even pointing in the direction of the real answer – HE NEVER WANTED TO BE WITH ANYONE AT ALL. NOT WITH ME, NOT WITH ANYONE ELSE. NO ONE. ALL THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH HERMES, WITH MY OLD STORY, WITH MY BODY, WITH MY LIFE, WITH ANYTHING THAT EVEN REMOTELY REMINDS ME OF DEMETER DIOGENA. I DIDN’T ASK FOR ANY OF THIS. There’s a battle of ideologies, social conditioning and subconscious bullshit playing itself out in each of our lives. And it was also in mine. Someone who considered herself pretty much non-ideological. Here I am, finding out that all that’s been acting itself out in me (and reversely, ON ME by others), was just unaware bullshit, social conditioning and brainwashing with as many ideological notions as I could count, since I was born until now. I feel like I was raped in the mind this whole time of my life. But I can’t point to who the rapist is. This is cosmically frustrating and unfair. I feel nothing but disgust and hatred and shame for myself. Just a short taste of it is killing me. I’m a perfect example of how not to lead life. Hermes thought that was him. Well, maybe there is enough space for many people showing how not to lead life. The question then is, who are the ones showing how to lead it? And is there any way/hope that I could turn my life around and actually become one of the people showing how to lead life? I was bleeding from the nose from all the crying. Like I was being killed and drinking my own blood. I felt so absolutely disgusted and desperate about having this horrible, heavy, bleeding body to deal with, I just collapsed in crying on bed. I think my lesson in this life is to be alone. Alone. ALL ONE. Nothing and everything. No one and everything. To be ALONE AND FINE WITH IT. It’s the New Year. I’m sitting here alone with the dog. I’m 32 and single. It’s the definition of loneliness. It’s the definition of the worst trip imaginable. It’s the definition of the worst nightmare. What the fuck is this shit??? My mind can’t deal with it in any way. I want a complete blackout, but it isn’t coming. I sure as hell hope that this is the deepest of rock bottoms that I’ll ever have to see. That things have no deeper to go. I told Hermes I am not giving up on him no matter what. But he says that he just doesn’t want me. He operates much better alone. And that I have no choice but to accept that and move on. I need to heal myself and heal my life. I need to be around enlightened people who just know It, which Hermes doesn’t have any idea about, and no interest in. Hermes has his own way, and it doesn’t include me. He needs to heal himself on many levels, and he knows it, but wants to do it "without being pressured" – as in, he hints that I pressure him. At this point he has more important (in his view) things to do than healing himself. Like, of course, working himself to death. He told me that he cares about me deeper than about his family. But at the same time wants nothing to do with me, and wants none of me – if I understood it right. It doesn’t compute in my mind at all, at this level of consciousness, and I doubt that it will compute at my normal level of consciousness, but I'll give it a try then, I guess. It’s complete loneliness and complete despair. Nothing left of the life that I’ve known. Nothing left of all the false identities that I’ve had. Absolute loneliness and despair. Me sitting in this bedroom in this city. In a flat of someone who’s essentially a stranger. It doesn’t get much worse than that. At least I don’t know in what way it could get worse. Maybe if I lost a limb or something, it would be still worse. Unspeakable horror. Times ten. Times all the fireworks and explosions outside going on this whole afternoon and evening. All happening at the wrong time and for wrong reasons. My whole life is nothing but a wrong thing happening at the wrong time for the wrong reasons. Things will never be so bad anymore. This is the worst it will ever get. This is the worst and I’ve seen it now. Things can only get better. And they will. This is what I keep thinking just in order not to go insane. Just to be able to deal with this terrible time. He’ll never love me again. That’s what he thinks, and what he forces me to accept. Nobody that I know of now (other than my family) gives a shit about me. I will need to find new people to add to my reality. To give a shit about me, and me about them. That will be insanely difficult, maybe. But I’ll give it a try. Puppy is so scared of the firework explosions. And I’m so scared of being alone and unlovable. We are here scared together. I have to pull myself up. Be like someone I would like to be with. I’ve wasted another year on this dead end. He DOESN’T WANT ME, NEVER DID, NEVER WILL. It really isn’t that complicated. He gets what he chooses, I get what is chosen for me by him. Beggars can’t be choosers. And now I sound like a 100% victim. Which is pretty pathetic and off-putting. I have to have the courage to own all of it, and treat it as if it was my own choice. I want to be loved by someone. That’s all I want. When I met Hermes, I thought this was what he wanted and what he was missing – just someone to love him. And maybe it was that at that time. But it isn’t anymore. He doesn’t want to be loved, and feels no need for it. He actively refuses it, actually. Now it’s me who needs and wants that. But I can’t go blindly about it, and get with the first dude that walks by, because that would end up in dysfunctional shit again. I have to make peace with myself and love myself again, first. This time for good reasons. I’m horrible and unlovable, and am afraid that nobody will ever love me again. I want to die. There’s no way for me to fix the mess that my life is. No possible way. That’s what I told Hermes, and he said "no, there is a way". But that’s all that he can say. He won’t tell me what that way is. He won’t tell me anything. That’s completely my job, and he "can’t do that for me". Then why does he tell me that there is a way at all – how would he know? Why isn’t he ok with letting me die? I want to die. I literally would kill myself had I had any means to do it at hand. But I have no poison, no gun, and no tall building available. I can try to go jump under a car. But Hermes is right, I might not die and it would probably be even worse. And here we go, 2018. I spent the New Year midnight sitting in the bathtub, first feeling suicidal. Then, through the immense suffering, being able to be mindful and enjoy actually feeling myself washing my hair. And realizing a lot of this suffering could have been avoided, had I been strict with myself and disciplined myself. Strict discipline, structure to my life. Strict discipline is the answer for now. It’s the one and only reasonable alternative to suicide that I can see possibly working and if not helping in this life, at least keep it away from getting worse. A strict discipline in timetable, meditation practice, eating, physical activity, learning and all other aspects of my life. This is the only livable option to keep myself from going down. It’s the only reasonable alternative to suiciding myself right now. I FORBID MYSELF FROM FORGETTING THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Exampleofhownottolive.com I spent over 3 years on someone who, it turns out, never wanted to be with someone in the first place. On me, he was just "trying to act out what society wanted him to be" – not single, a husband. My life happened to be a playground for his unconsciousness, social conditioning and brainwashing. And as it turns out, the playground, my life, was utterly wrecked by it. It’s in so many pieces that I see no way for myself to ever put it together again. Joining a monastery seems like a relatively good idea. Except that it should be a monastery with sex. I wonder if there is sex in zen buddhist monasteries. Though maybe the interest in sex will just go away on its own as I practice meditation. Just like the meditation teacher told me at the Vipassana retreat, when answering my question about sex – that people eventually prefer to just meditate together because sex seems too gross for them anyway. Who knows, I might reach that level myself. Maybe. I’m the ultimate loser in every possible sense. And now, I have absolutely no choice even about the thing that I want the most – being with Hermes. I’m the one who is left with love for him, being unloved back. And I’ll hold this losing card forever, it seems, because he’s got no plan of loving me anymore ever. So I’m stuck in this losing position for as long as I live. I swear I’d rather be dead than be myself right now. According to him, I’ll find a way in my life without him. He "believes in me". That’s…. nice. Thanks. This was the worst day of my life. He told me some months ago that this place sucked without me. That I was making it feel like home. Now it feels like this place sucks for him with me in it. And home is anywhere where I’m not. I wish I could say that I learnt something from this experience. One thing I understood now is that I’ve been horribly bad at choosing the right partner. My criteria and my judgment completely blew up. I have no idea how I’m ever going to choose a partner ever again. Not only I can’t trust my judgment, but also the choice of available men has become close to none for my age group. Also, I have nothing to offer to my potential new partner. All I had was spent on Hermes. Something that, apparently, he didn’t even want. There is absolutely nothing left for myself, let alone for any potential new partner. It will probably take me a few years before I build myself up enough to have anything to offer to anyone ever again. I’ve just had the worst trip humanly possible. Most of the time, i was wishing for a complete blackout, sleep or death. None of it came. I had to suffer through every second of it, and every second of realization that my life as I had known it, was over. If I had a gun or poison available, I would have no doubt used it. That’s good to know for all possible future trips. Never do them with guns, poison or trains nearby. And never do them in a tall building. Unless you are ready to die. Not that there’s anything wrong with dying. I just hope LSD and other psychedelics won’t get a reputation for being suicide drugs. I wouldn’t want that for them. I didn’t choose to have my reality collapse just yet, but anyway, that’s what I’ve been dealt. My reality has completely collapsed. It’s over. Nothing that was before applies anymore. I’ve had my work cut out for me. Kicking and screaming, I’m being dragged onto my hero’s journey. Which no sane person starts on voluntarily, of course. So far, my beginning seems to be fairly statistically normal, I guess. And I hope I’ll be in a good company on the way.“ So there you go. Nothing like starting the year in style. I’m now officially a person with a collapsed life, but committed to reach enlightenment or die trying. There’s absolutely no going back, I’ve reached the point of no return. I would love to hear from anyone who’s on the same journey, and talk.

Did you not read anything I've said? I've stated this is about MENTALITY. Yes, there was thoughts of suicide along my trip, but I also stated nothing of where I was when I took them, the situation I was in, and even the life I was living - sure. Be alarmed all you wish, but you cannot simply chalk this up as 'holy fuck you wanted to kill yourself because of shrooms? go get help!' I've overcome many of my demons that I was fighting during that point in my life, and Leo has plenty to do with that immense change - and everyone who knew me then to now would attest that everything I am now is a polar opposite of who I was, why? Because of my experiences, because of everything that HAS happened - including that trip. Including the LSD that I took two weeks ago - which there's a trip report with that, too. It was a very positive and uplifting experience. But you're seeing things for face value rather than actually thinking about these things. I'm ending the conversation here because you are clearly in paradigm lock - maybe I am too, but from the changes I've made whilst even having those thoughts has proven itself for me. And trust me - the thoughts I had during my shroom trip are nothing in comparison of things I've battled with sober. Good luck to you.

My last shroom trip was 5G - I had severe body aches, my back pain was doubled and had no ability to be comfortable and thoughts of death & at one point even suicide - but it was necessary for my own psyche and I don't regret the trip - it was what some people would consider a bad trip, but I made it through just fine because it is about the MENTALITY of the situation, not the additive CHEMISTRY that you speak of. Please stop this nonsense.

Greetings, This is my first post on the forum and I want to make it count. I have been on the spiritual path for as long as I can remember. Ever since I was a little kid I felt a calling towards the mystical. But there is something wrong with me… I noticed I was different when my mom signed me up for kindergarten for the first time. As her cab left for work I just couldn’t handle it. Nothing really happened on the outside but on the inside I was falling apart and I wasn’t sure why. I couldn’t speak to anyone at the kindergarten and I just cried myself to sleep every day. This happened every day until eventually my mom realized I wasn’t doing so well there and she removed me from kindergarten... The painful me-story I come from a dysfunctional and a chaotic family – My parents were divorced before I was born. Although I saw some screaming and fighting it definitely was not the worst story out there. I wasn’t abused or anything like that, however I realized that adults didn’t know what they were doing either and this confused me a lot and made me somewhat unstable. I didn’t see my father a lot - just a couple of times and then he died somewhere in Asia from unknown causes. My mother married another guy who was a decent fellow and I was brought up in that family. He died too (in front of me). For a while I became somewhat stable. I didn’t have too much problems in primary school but I reverted to deep depression in late high school again. The kind of depression where you wake up in the morning and just start crying after realizing you are still alive. I started doing drugs. Didn’t have friends so I didn’t have access to popular drugs but I did stuff which an unscrupulous pharmacist was willing to sell me. I was taking recreational drugs by myself in my room. I had my first panic attack during one of my first trips, thought I was dying. I called 911, but when the lady said “Hello” I hanged up. The thought of my mother finding out overwhelmed me. I thought I would take the risk and wait it out instead – if I die then so the fuck what? I didn’t die that day and it actually felt really good to disrespect death – I felt liberated. I felt like a god. I thought I could get away with anything, so I shifted from depressive to manic reckless behavior. Went to the gym, started taking steroids and all kinds of other substances. Quit after a few months since I ruined my digestion with a bizarre diet which my idiot trainer recommended. I did get huge stretch marks from all the water retention though. I went to depressed again and started taking mushrooms from time to time. I had a horrible trip which lead to a brutal panic attack and this time it was so bad that I couldn’t contain my fear and went to the ER. They kept me in the hospital for three days and my mom found out I was doing drugs, steroids and all that. Since that day I have been becoming more and more neurotic. Nowadays I have terrible social skills. I have never had sex. I have never had a real relationship. I am so neurotic that I have turned away girls who themselves offered to date me and who I wanted to date as well. I’ve had many offers from girls but I always turn them down, because deep down I feel that I am not good enough. I feel that because I haven’t had any sexual experience I will disappoint them and I don’t want to experience the shame from this situation. I know that because I have never kissed a girl in my life I don’t know how to kiss so I will disappoint. I feel that I am not ready to be in a relationship. I feel like I’m a product that’s not ready for market. We are talking pathological levels of insecurity here. I am sometimes afraid to say “Hi” to people - when they are about to look at me, I avert my gaze to avoid eye contact. I am so afraid of rejection that I sabotage my whole social life. That’s why I have spent most of my life in my room, in the dark, alone. I talk to myself because I have no one else to talk to. I have wondered whether I am autistic or something like that. I am so neurotic that my brain likes to generate horror thoughts all the time. Sometimes when I walk on the street and see an open hole I instantly imagine how I didn’t notice it and I stepped in and my foot broke in the worst possible way. When someone calls on the phone my initial reaction is to assume that they are about to tell me that someone has gone crazy or has died. I always assume the worst – I am not doing it on purpose it’s just the result of years of pain, suffering, loneliness and negativity. It’s probably programmed in my subconscious. But wait there’s more... At some point the health problems begun. All kinds of weird stuff – allergies, asthma, digestive issues, unexplained bruising and scratches on skin, insomnia, vertigo, headaches, fatigue. I read every wikipedia article about every symptom, I read hundreds of health and diet books, I’ve tried hundreds of supplements, I’ve spent thousands of dollars on blood tests. I am practically an expert on health and nutrition at this point, only I am not, because all of those diets (paleo, gaps, fodmap, autoimmune paleo etc.) and supplements, and gluten/sugar avoidance and all kinds of modifications which seem to solve other people’s health issues and result in success-transformation stories have done nothing or very little for me. I’ve been to so many doctors – some of them have plain stated they have no idea what’s wrong with me. When I had my health meltdown everyone was either telling me that I am fine or that I need psychiatric help (didn’t know that skin bruising or copper deficiency or abnormal TSH levels were treated by psychiatrists) or that there’s something wrong but they are not sure what. I am starting to think that my health problems are caused by something else entirely. Maybe my deep negativity is destroying my body. Maybe there’s bad feng shui in my room. Maybe my sexlessness is ruining my energies. Maybe holding my sperm when I ejaculate is actually harmful (I read that in a Mantak Chia book, but the author later said that this was actually bad advice, I don’t know why I am still doing that). Maybe it’s just fucking karma and I have to accept my nightmare and wait it out... Let me just say that maintaining my sanity is becoming harder every day. I’ve considered suicide many times. I know it would destroy my mother and I just can’t do that to her. Who wants to play “am I tired of this shit”. My spiritual journey My deep suffering forced me to seek relief in spirituality. I have never had a teacher or a guru, but I did found a person on a forum who mentored me for a while and taught me to let go of beliefs and to seek free thinking and authenticity. I also read some Jed McKenna, some Chogyam Trungpa, some Osho, some Sam Harris, some U.G. Krishnamurti (the most depressing shit ever), some Buddha, some Lao Tzu, some Eckhart Tolle. Listened to thousands of hours of video from spiritual masters. I even went to India for a “radical” satsang. Don’t say I am not committed. I am committed AF. After a while this shedding of beliefs started to suffocate me because I realized that everything is a belief and everything can be questioned. I realized that every concept is just someone’s opinion or perception. If you think about it even the notion of truth is questionable. People say that truth is just the way things are, but that’s based on the belief that logic is meaningful. Maybe there is no “the way things are” - it doesn’t make sense, but then it doesn’t have to make sense, just because I want it to make sense. You know I hear all these teachers making big claims such as “consciousness is real and eternal”, “there is no death”, “there is no self”, “there is a self”, “jesus was enlightened”, “buddha was enlightened”, “tao is union of the opposites”, “tao is not the union of opposites” - doesn’t it seem to you that all of this is BS? I mean how do you really confirm that your consciousness is real and eternal? What if all of this is just some simulation and these insights are worthless or even worse - force-fed as a part of an experiment (remember the Matrix)? What if I am just a brain in a vat? What if existence collapses after a second and we get stuck in blackness for eternity? I get it – most or all of these scenarios are just brain generated fiction. The intellect desperately tries to fill the void of uncertainty with some story, but sooner or later I will have to let go of the idea of certainty as well. So what’s left? More beliefs? More neurosis? Is the goal simply to be peaceful regardless of circumstances (Eckhart Tolle)? Sounds good but what if I become a schizophrenic and lose control over my peace too? Start hearing voices that tell me to eat brains? My uncle just became a schizophrenic a few days ago and he’s already tried to commit suicide. I’ve known and loved this person for decades and suddenly he’s all fucked up talking about conspiracies against our family reputation. How do you make sense of this, how do you accept and integrate this? What the fuck is going on? Anyway... Don’t get me wrong. I’ve learned a lot too. I am super stubborn and I tend to play the victim card a bit too often, but I am actually quite open-minded as well. I don’t claim wrong or right, although I prefer ease over dis-ease. I am becoming too lazy to suffer. I am still afraid of losing my mind, but there is some peace in not taking myself too seriously. Definitely not heaven, more like giving up, but still better than crying myself to sleep (insomnia). I want peace. I want clarity. I want effortless existence. I want to live in the mountains and play my dizi flute. That’s pretty much it. Not sure what to do. Nothing at all to hold on to. I would love to hear back from you. Don’t need consolation, need a way out. All of your advice is welcome and appreciated.

From taking various kinds of drugs, I learned how malleable my emotional experience and my perspective on life are. When I got into personal development, health and spirituality, I learned that there are tons of possibilities to increase the quality of my life. I tried out a bunch and saw that it works. I actually don't get how people can still think about suicide after being confronted with all this theory. What's your life situation like, what do you do all day? I'm gonna make a prediction: You will move through your situation and later think how unnecessary it would have been to commit suicide.

Realize that PMO is the highest correlative sign of depression besides maybe literally attempting suicide. That is, more than almost anything else, the more you PMO the more depressed you are. So, as you do anything to stop PMO, you end up doing something to prevent depression. Seriously, you need to understand this because its important: STOP PMO AND YOU STOP MOST OF DEPRESSION. PMO might not cause depression, or it might not be depression, but it's one of the biggest check engine lights you might have. So, set stopping PMO as a high priority and don't let anything get in the way of that. Moreover, you can't follow actualized.org if you don't take responsibility for your life. Period. But letting PMO stop you shows a major sign of irresponsibility. You're letting your dick take over your life. It's pathetic. I mean, how do you expect to change your life and change the world if you can't even take responsibility for your own dick? So, make a commitment. Envision the life that’s possible and then envision what happens when you don’t take action. Then, when urges pop up, just find new shit to do with yourself. Also check out Improvement Pill's work on the topic on YouTube. He has a whole thing called the Tamed course that's fantastic. Also Check out the book the 4 tendencies.

So you suffer and want do end it. . . To escape the pain right? But if you think about it what happens after it. . . Lets suppose you gonna reincarnate into another human being, 75% of people live poorly suffering and with no access to clean water, get flooded and cant afford food. What kind of life is that sm1 would say? Well i say that is life. . . You have 3/4 possibility to end up like that. Let's assume hell exist (which i doubt) you would be feeling pain for eternity. .. . Suppose everything goes dark with no memory and no timespace exists so this life of yours is a hallucination and never happend. . . Well it would happen anyway 40-50 years from now in a normal lifespan dont you think? So you cant really escape the universe. . . What's left to do. . .well my friend you have a health problem which i strongly recommend to seek help about. You owe it to your mum to your friends and to yourself. For what i read people who failed suicide most of them turned their life 180degrees because their family and friends helped them and listened their silenced scream. And dont tell me you cant do it coz on the internet there's a guy with no arms and no legs who got a job a perfect family and has a lot to give to the world. At least you can advertise yourself better on internet im sure you gonna be asked to play in concerts ect. Your guitar skills are amazing. I'm sure chicks would pull their had of fighting to bang you. But first you must help yourself in order for the universe (or God) to help you.

Gosh , I have to admit that I contemplated suicide often and have actually tried to carry it out a few times , I used to be very very depressed , The last time I tried to harm myself was many years ago , i took a bottle buzz and some razors and walked along the freeway to get to the wilderness, as I walked along , a question flashed into my mind , Why would you kill yourself if God put you onto this Earth ? With that question I "woke up " from my trance like state and I realized that there was no reason at all . I walked back and from then on I had to face all my demons and problems. One of my most amazing therapist said to me once , that the people who commit suicide are the ones we needed the most , they are the most sensitive and valuable for society , the exception being murderers of course. PLEASE FIND A GOOD THERAPIST THEY CAN PERFORM MIRACLES !

Hello, guys. During the last couple of years, something click on my mind, and made me change how I view my life. It happen around the time when I turned eighteen, it was more than the classic existential crisis that most of us have during that age, with the pressure of what to do, or what to major on, in college. Instead, I think my mind went the other way with this idea of life being void of meaning. The bottom line is, I am tired of living. To be more specific, I am not depressed (or at least I do not think I am), but I would not mind just dying and saving myself the suffering that comes with life. Just a little info on me, my life is going alright, currently in college, have nice hobbies, an active lifestyle, and not a horrible family. However, just thinking about having to work for many years, responsibilities, doing meaningless task until the day I die, does not seem worth the suffering that comes with it, at least not to me. This kind of mindset, is constantly creeping on my mind, and have taken a toll on my happiness level. Even feeling like a victim at times, but most importantly, makes life feel like a constant uphill battle. Which just helps and feeds even more into this idea of life not being worth the trouble. What I am saying, is that I would not mind dying, and saving myself all the trouble. At the same time I am not planning my suicide or anything like that. Going through the motions of life, or this “journey”, all the ups and downs. It just seems like a waste of time, for the same result. Death. What do you guys think ? Would appreciate any insight on this.

Hell, your input is always appreciated I have to say that I don't really have a strong foundation. I don't really eat that healthy - still need to look into that topic. I don't smoke, I seldom drink. I meditate daily and do also self-inquiry daily (still have to make it seperate from meditation). But my main struggle would be depression/mental illness, at times it's crippling. I think if that was different, then the trip might have turned out better. I am guessing that the weak ego is trying its best to keep "me" from getting better/seeing through the illusion, and it does that using suicide/gore/death as its main weapon since I don't really mind dying (that much). It surely would be a big + if I had a better foundation.

Humor is an interesting thing. Some of the greatest comedians have been very depressed. Robin Williams killed himself and Owen Wilson tried to commit suicide. Jim Carey has dealt with depression in the past, so did John Cleese from Monty Python. Eminem he describes it well in that song I posted, the thing about hiding behind the tears of a clown. Eminem he is like a comedian as well. That is what sets his lyrics apart. But at the same time his lyrics can be real acid as well. When I look at myself, my own sense of humor comes from a much darker place sometimes, like a more cynical and sarcastic worldview. Sometimes it's like my brain makes a lot of connections, it connect a lot of dots, that a lot of other people just don't. I think the inspiration for humor and comedy often has its roots in that much darker place, but it's an art to filter that darkness the right amount to make it sound funny.

@Sine I really dind t have any serious relationship until now ,the problem is way deeper. I bought Leo s ultimate life purpose course 1 year ago(I did almost 70 % of the course).The book list 4 mounths ago.Then 2 mounths ago I found out about enlightenment ,and this hit me hard like very hard.My dream was to be a movie director.Right now I study Cinematography,but when I found out about enlightenment my dream went to the trash cam.It really fuked me over man.Right now I dont even now what I em because I wached all the videos leo put on about enlightenment .I read books about enlightenment and my mind misinterpreted the information I think .2 days ago I was walking and I didnt know what is real or not.Because the truth of "enlightenment" means that you see that this thing you call you is fake and it does not exist. I think I have a short circuit in my brain.This "enlightenment" stuff is hard wired in my brain right now .At it says "Nothing matters,all of this( my dream) is a distraction.And my motivation disappeared over night.I dont blame Leo, if I had not bought the course sure I was committing suicide until now.I dont know what to think guys, leo says in his videos about enlightenment that relationships are a distraction but Peter Ralston who is enlighted is married.And I stress this thing with relationships so much because tits the last thing that makes me fell alive and not to go crazy and kill miself.I really dont know what to do guys.If I went to the psychologist right now he will think that I em crazy.

I can tell you I worked in a transitional living shelter for a 2 years and helped ran five programs from non-residential to the apartment program , An extensive in house 18 mouth program , groups of almost every kind from training to emotional support. The list goes on and on. I Thought I wanted to go into psychology and help people in that way. So I placed myself in a real world environment to explore that. I would not trade that experience for anything it was amazing. But I learned several things. If you can do this I applaud you. I can tell you that the amount of emotional, physical , mental and spiritual energy it takes to work in that field is Eminence. There is a reason suicide is higher in therapist psychologist and psychiatric disciplines. Addiction is a constant in every persons life in one way or another. You will get great insight into this aspect of life. That includes the simple fact that until the person hits their rock bottom they will not succeed. They have to make that choice themselves and until they do no meaningful work will be done. That being said you have to support everyone like that is the case even when they fail. Relapse is not just part of the process it has to be taken into concentration on a daily basses. I loved my time doing this type of work I would not trade the experience for anything. I met some of the most caring genuine people that ran these programs. I also experienced burnout and saw it in others on a semi-regular basis. It is more destructive than you could know. So anyone that wants or is thinking of doing this kind of work I would tell them to do the same thing I did get in this field in a real way. Even Before that make sure your own emotional, mental, physical and spiritual life are rock solid otherwise your setting yourself up to fail as well as those you could potability help. Second you better find a way to decompress and compartmentalize your life. I know it sounds like I am trying to discourage you. I am not people that can navigate all the challenges and pitfalls of this field are needed and ones that can stay healthy and happy are rare. Maybe you are one of the people that are needed with the rare constitution to do this long term. Get into field get your hands dirty and see what you are in for and start to develop strategy's and ways to cope and adapt. I would recommend at the least one year commitment at the most a two year commitment to really know what you are dedicating the rest of your life too. I can tell you after two years my delusion that I wanted to dedicate my life to psychology and helping other people in this way dissolved. My drive to help others did not change I just go about it differently now. Good luck

Hey everyone ! and to any kind souls reading this right now... Before I write anything right now, I would like to thank Leo and the existence of this forum, as I believe and am sure it has helped many people along the way. I pray this might help me to too and truth me told, the only reason I thought of writing this post today was out of pure inspiration and insight, remembering the existence of this forum! To try and keep things as concise as I can, and for reference sake - I'm a lady in her mid 20's, been suffering from Depression for what feels like years now (have been diagnosed with it twice by 2 different ppl in the past year, however they didn't care to define the type and as a Psychology student I Feel like I have Major Depression) and as time has gone by, I started to realize that it has started long before I've started University (2 years ago now). Actually, I think I've had small bouts of depression in the very, very last few months as a senior in High School, and then later on in quite a few incidents during the time I served in the Military (due to suicidal thoughts mainly and deep emotional suffering and abuse). I am currently IN therapy (finished my 18th session thus far), have been asked to go on antidepressants but am not willing to do soas I do not believe I want to put it in my own body (same stance I have against wanting to use the pill for contraceptive reasons for myself, personally speaking). So basically, I take no medication for my depression and only "rely" on therapy, which tbh has not been going as well as I had hoped it would. If it means anything, I'm deeply Spiritual but not religious. Long story short, I've been suffering with a LOT of suicidal thoughts. They are nothing gruesome in nature ("how I would like to kill myself") but rather are born out of a deep, deep sadness and loss of motivation in life. I keep thinking how I feel like I have no place in the world and how easily I would let myself let go of all my dreams, the possibility of a career, a social life, literally friends, a decent job, a partner/husband (I'm single) and kids and so forth...when it gets really bad, I realize I do not care for anything I have thus mentioned. What really, really deeply bothers me and is a source of great pain and frustration in my life and has been for the longest time right now, is the issue of me feeling like "I don't care anymore". Nothing seems to matter anymore. It has ruined 2 relationships of which made the men involved literally break up/dump me/give up on me. It has cost me my potential in school and in my career choices, it has isolated me from friends and literally killed any hope I have for myself and my future. The point of the matter is that...words do NOT do it justice when I simply say "I don't care". It sadly makes them seem like I'm "bratty" and "annoyed" and that's not really the point I want to come across when I say that I feel like "I don't care". What I really want to convey on those words are my deep pain of hopelessness. I truly feel like there is NO cure for me. There is no pill I can take to give me back the motivation I so desperately need. I feel like I have so so much potential in school, as a partner, as a future wife, as a mother...I feel robbed of everything with these deep rooted pain of how everything doesn't matter anymore and that I simply "do not care" It has gotten so bad that I literally feel, deep down in my heart and soul, that there is no medication for me that can "fix this". Like there are absolutely no words my therapist or a therapist can tell me, in order to "fix" me and this problem. I am deeply anguished and have absolutely no idea where to look or find my solution. *To be honest, I feel like my therapist is really shitty and hasn't helped too much but that's besides the point. I know other ppl might be going through similar things and it truly breaks my heart, but I just don't know what to do anymore. I am faced with courses upon courses with University right and as I look at everything...I realize deep down that I do not care anymore. I really, really don't. And, I know you must be asking yourself that I should probably just switch majors and find something I'm passionate about and stick to that, but the truth is that I AM technically already "studying" my dream major, Psychology. Which breaks my heart even more because hey, I'm studying my dream major and feel like I cannot possibly really be good at anything else...so what's really left for me? How can one be so suicidal and could care less if they're already studying something that was their dream from the very start? I'm just tying to give out examples for my current situation, which I hope helps gives the bigger picture right now. As for a love life, I was literally dumped 3 times in the span of 5 months, by the SAME guy who I thought loved me (dating for 9 months, and prior to that was dumped by someone whom I had been loving for 10 years) You can imagine the amount of pain and the toll that took on me. And to be honest, it has made me want to swear off relationships in general. It made me see how depression destroyed not just me but a future of ever being with someone, whilst still suffering from depression myself. My parents do not really understand the depth of my pain, no matter how I try to explain it. I do not feel the need or want to hang out or enjoy a social life anymore. People are literally going about their day at university and trying to study and make things work and I'm just sitting there literally baffled at everyone making such amazing efforts and truly caring about their lives when I myself struggle to go through a lecture and feel like killing myself. I have expressed my deep suicidal thoughts to my therapist, my parents...but no one seems to care. At least not enough to stop me or do...anything for that matter. It's as if nothing seems important to everyone and that just breaks my heart because if I had a child and they were suicidal...Gosh, I would do everything in my power to make them feel better. I really, really would. My real issue is this deep and painful loss of motivation in life and everything I do. I cannot be bothered to study, I really could care less deep down in my heart. I realize that effects me having a decent career or getting a job and maybe a relationship but I just find that I really do not care about those things either anymore. Even to the point where I do not want a social life anymore. If it means anything, my dream was to become a Clinical Psychologist. My dream was to help ppl exactly like me *sigh* I really wanted to help ppl, with all my heart and soul, I mean it. I know this is such a side note right now, as I myself have not seem the WHOLE entire TV show of "13 reasons why" (just 2 episodes + the last one) but I deeply felt for Hannah especially in the scene where she committed suicide and I had been shaken the past few days as I feel like I saw her pain and it resonated with me 200% in my heart and soul. I know I'm not alone but at the same time so incredibly alone and suicidal. I pray that any kind souls reading this right now, would be nice enough to let me know their thoughts and what they think I should do. I truly feel like there is no solution for me out there and it breaks my heart. Please help me. Thank you so much for reading everything. <333

But it's not the usual death (through car crash/suicide etc), so maybe there is a more accurate term?

Have thoughts of buying a few portable bbqs and burning charcoal in my car to gas myself. I feel like just sucking it up and doing it. Felt this way too many times before I've had bad ocd for quite a few months and been isolating myself a lot. Been binge drinking 2-3x a week for the last few months. I'm now over that, I don't want to drink anymore, it's no longer doing any positive whatsoever. I've still maintained a really healthy diet for many years now. My health has issues, I've got a problem with my breathing, it's very controlled, it takes much more effort than it should and is on mind 100% of the day. I've sat down and spent 100s and 100s of hours trying to work it out. My body feels very ill and does not function in anyway as it should. I can't feel any pleasure in my body. I have tried a few different hard drugs, which i don't condone for myself, i cant get a single ounce of good feeling. It's been 4 years since my body has been capable of producing a nice feeling. Long term health condition diagnosed as m.e, in other words, i have no idea what's going on, it's caused immense suffering for me. I believe if i could let go of this ocd and feelings of guilt, and looked after myself and got my emotional health in order, then my body should heal itself somewhat after many months. The doctors have provided no help, after shit loads of visits and tests. I haven't been able to sort my emotions out and the ocd and it's just been dragging on for ages. It's just suffering at the moment and nothing else. I'm 26, living with my mum. Don't want to burden anyone else whilst im feeling this way. No job atm, except for the stuff i was doing part time with a mate and when my band gigs. I feel like a pretty incomplete, kind of stupid, well behind in life for my age, and socially awkward in ways. I managed to build some decent guitar skills over years and I know people think highly of me in this. I don't have much else. Potential for doing other stuff? Sure I have family coming up for christmas, an old friend coming through also wants to see me, i have a gig on new years, i have a friends wedding in january. I don't want to do any of it, and i don't want to see anyone. I'm actually feeling temporarily less morbid after writing this, I don't expect it to last. Are there consequences to suicide? -In regards to this thing that I perceive as the self. What are beliefs on this around here? Am I gone like I want to be? Or is something in 'me' likely to continue on and pay for it. I know I'm incredibly selfish, I just don't care atm

You can call me Joe. I'm hoping my own journey so far and going forward can resonate with some of you. I've really covered the bases when it comes to self-actualization, I swear I know every strategy like the back of my hand - but the changes I've cared about most haven't come. The changes that HAVE happened, have been great. Success with women, presentation skills, healthy diet, etc. But one thing that hasn't changed threatens to root me in place like concrete, for good. There's a cycle, and it begins with getting distracted (riveting I know, just stay with me). I'm now behind on something I was supposed to be working on. I lie and say I've done it - whether this be lying directly or just acting like nothing's the matter. Can't break the facade, which means I can't be seen working on it later. Rather difficult when I have only so much time alone after work, school and research before I see my girlfriend. Don't break the facade, I can just finish it later and make up an excuse as to why it's late (Let me tell you, I'm quite the architect with these.). In the meantime, I've kept myself busy, but with everything EXCEPT what I was supposed to do. Maybe I game, or do 3d modeling, or the news. The time spent on my assignment would have to be explained, if not to someone else than myself - I'd have to face the issue at hand - but even I need to believe the facade. I could finish all the week's work in one night. (I could, I've done it before, but there's no reason in the world to think of that as some dependable occurrence.) As time drags on toward deadlines I can't even put a pencil to a piece of work, or an important email that I have to send. I give up if I start to fail during a day instead of catching myself and switching gears. I'd rather give in and believe that I can't take corrective action than do something about it. Part of this is a tendency to get distracted, but there's something else - something I hope is reversible. When I was kid I used to dream. Sure, I was distractable then too (actually more so) but I didn't have any feeling of resistance when it came to my schoolwork. I loved it. Then middle school came, severe bullying, near suicide, difficulty with parents compounding. I was bullied, at least in part, because I asked too many questions. I liked learning too much. I was the "What-If" kid. What-if the coffee maker could do this? What if the landing craft could do this? What if nature could do this? What if (in math) x could do this? I didn't understand why the abuse was happening, so I aimed the blame inwards and nearly committed suicide at 12. I became anxious, judgemental (toward myself and others), and got most of my drive from keeping up a facade rather than letting my curiosity roam free. As you might guess, keeping up a facade based on lack of effort and ease....isn't sustainable. It was for high school, most of Bioengineering Undergrad. But now, with research, school, work and a girlfriend who just lost her father, the facade can't be sustained. These past couple years, I've tried to use negative thought to force myself to change my actions. The results haven't been good. It's as if I were in a sealed off room, and due to my own breathing I will eventually risk breathing in too high a concentration of CO2. My current strategy would be to hold my breath, to avoid breathing in the CO2 - doesn't work too well, and leaves me with the suffocating emotional feeling I'm all too used to now. Instead, I think I need to reach for the oxygen, and turn on the supply. The oxygen is my..drive. Curiosity, breathing room, whatever you want to call it. Without that flow of oxygen, I'm left with the 2 options I encounter every day: 1. Be paralyzed, suffocate as I stop yourself from taking in any air. 2. Breathe the air that's available - the distractions, the low-engagement entertainment from gaming to news. My need to consume remains, but I'm unwilling to let myself freely do so, out of recollection of what I went through. My biggest hurdle is commitment. My biggest hurdle in accomplishing that is the emotion that I attach to the smallest tasks and decisions. I know that if I can commit to small changes I can avoid the "molehill into a mountain" dilemma. I also know that I need fuel to get me there, and that negativity and self-shaming will do more to fuel the defensive facade than it would productive actions that in their enactment would acknowledge that facade is based on a lie. The ego will always protect itself. And so there's the loop. My goal is to find my dreams again, and form values that will get me there. When these values are strong enough, my daily actions will more easily represent them and the direction I want to go. My goal right now is to be responsible - a small one compared to what I used to have, but perhaps what I need now more than ever. If I can accomplish this one half-decently I should get the momentum I need to do more. Thank you for listening friends, and godspeed. I look forward to knowing you.

@Leo Gura You are not talking about suicide though?

@blazed Too bad you can't quit when you like.. or maybe one could by suicide... but then I guess you would still be dealt a random new game. If you only knew, you could just kill yourself every time you get born into a nightmare... but I guess that is a little oversimplicated of an idea. I guess it's just random, infinite and happening in the Now. Anyway, hard to make sense of it with concepts, and without actually being the Truth.

What I also want to say is that if they convinced themselves they are happy, at least it worked for them. They were able to live a long life and not suicide due to unhappiness, because they thought they were happy. From the standpoint of death, does it matter whether they were trully happy or not? Only in the present moment it matters whether you are happy. Death makes everything irrelevant. Sometimes i just think - lets just blow up the entire planet and get it over with. There is no point in it anyway. Unless there is. It's not like if they were actually happy they wouldn't die?

why is all the loneliness creeping up again? what is it, actually? it's cold, a feeling of distance and of being alienated from others. disconnection, separateness, isolation. it's strange, because people around me seem happy. or at least quite ok with their mainstream lives. they study, play video games, watch TV, interact on social media, eat bad food, gossip, get drunk at parties. I lived like that too, it destroyed me. it became so bad, I had finally had to change something in my life. sometimes I think: why can't I be satisfied with that 'normal' life? why can't I be ok with living like the average westerner? then again, what is normal? why have suicide/depression rates never been so high? this isn't leading anywhere good, I've experienced it myself. I have to keep reminding myself of it. but then, why do I feel lonely, empty, sad and pissed of again?