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if you use it high quality, in the right setting ( not dancing, on random drug + alcohol ) like purely. and purity in the substances. there will be no comedown ~120mg lesser. I just did mdma 10 times in life, but with all my gathered knowledge for people who are not about drugging themself here : - 100-120 mg ( no comedown, and normaly none if you do it once every 5 years : you read right, every once in a year is ok too, every month is a very bad idea. ) different from psychedelics but has some potential, there is a low mood then, that stay almost for 3 days, but you'll not experience it below the ~120 mg there is psychedsubtance on youtube who talks a lot about mdma. it is used/try in setting in some country for psy-therapy. yes it can teach you in meta, what an absolute feeling of love & bliss is. but that's the thing, most people get hooked on it, and don't try to embody what can be teached by the substance. can help someone very down to see there is "high". I would be cautious with mdma, I didn't do it since 1 year, and don't plan to do it again, I always do half a pill of xtc in some random party where I feel for it, in my case, I like to be surrounded when I do mdma. ( But I will maybe never do it again, cause of the possible comedown, and because I already dig what there is to learn from it ( maybe there is more, but not for now ) )

Such incredible Love in this one <3 I will climb into your ocean, I will sail into your shore, I will breathe in your magnificence, and never ask for more, I will be as I am written, courage on every page, I will carve this life with every breath, a sage to the age, I will turn up the fountain, and fill this world with bliss, I will sing a song of joyful love and merge into your kiss, And I will stumble into beauty, recognizing that it's me, I will open up my heart, and surrender unto thee I am the child, I am the mother I am your bride, and your lover I am everything, great and small I am the one, I am it all I am the child, I am the mother I am your bride, and your lover I am everything, great and small, I am the one, I am it all I Am The Light Of Love I will dive into each moment, because I'll die as I was born I will walk at peace with ease and grace, and float with the unknown I will find the gift in everything, perfection in every way I will bow at the altar, of this and every day I can't promise not to feel some fear, or to always understand But I'll be the change I wish to see, I will hold every hand I am tangled up in beauty, I see clearly that it's me I have opened up my heart, and surrender unto thee

So, long story short - would love to hear your thoughts on this situation. I Just really need to get this off my chest - There's this man I've been talking to the past hmm...I think about 5 or so months? We seem to have had an instant connection the moment we found one another and although it was based on "sexual" talk at first, I grew very fond of him and care for him. I'm someone that gets easily jealous, especially when it comes to a man I feel attracted to and genuinely care for so needless to say, I really do have a tough time with him talking about other women. We're not exclusive so of course he has every right to and I know I have no say in this for lack of better words - but in my heart it honestly does get to me. He's someone that's basically single and divorced and according to him, after being with the same Lady for 20 years, this is his time to be free and have fun with women...which I understand. Also, I never asked him to be single for me either. I have expressed my genuine feelings of me being fond of him and we have both shared our love for one another. He knows I get jealous and I have asked multiple times of him to NOT speak or mention other women because it tears me up inside. But, something happened... In July, I was having a bad day emotionally and was trying to seek comfort in him. Right when I was about to message him, I saw that he had already texted me. A pic. I opened the pic and it was a semi revealing pic of him but what really got me was that I immediately noticed that a 1/3 of the pic, contained someone beside him, laying in bed, Basically, another Lady laying beside him and her not knowing she was part of the pic at all. I got VERY angry and pissed because I was clear about how I felt for him and although he knows this, he disrespected my wishes by sending this AND acting all innocent about it like "what's the problem?" and in my mind, thinking I would be too dumb to notice. Needless to say, being how upset I already was from the day - I couldn't keep my cool at all and felt so disrespected that I had to let him know about it. He was very taken aback and we fought. He seemed very cold and I wasn't feeling heard nor understood so when the conversation essentially ended, I felt in my heart that I didn't want to speak to him every again. And so, I didn't text him at all and we went without talking for a whole entire month. I would be lying if I said that I didn't feel better - because I did, and suddenly I felt more at peace despite the situation and how it ended. I felt like I could breath. Fast forward, he messaged me a while later and apologized. For some reason, it felt heartfelt to me and I agreed to talk to him despite me (before) wanting to never speak to him again. I felt like we melted into each other and couldn't let go. I however said I had very specific terms that I wanted to share and they were A) no sexual talk whatsoever because I feel very used, disrespected by him because of it and B) No talk of other women whatsoever. None. Zero. I want to hear none of it. He at first said he'll try and see how it goes but apparently it got to him because even before NOT trying it, he had already gotten back to me about 2 weeks later and said nope, not for him and he wishes me well...basically "breaking up with me". I was mad as hell because this is a person that always said how much he wanted me in his life forever and always begged me not to leave him and yet I AM THE ONE getting broken up with when he never tried for ME? Needless to say I was beyond furious. After we fought, I felt at peace for a split second because I thought wow so is that how that is? Fine, I'm better off alone. But then, somehow...in the heat of the moment we managed to mend the connection and now we're talking. In a way, we started talking sexually (gradually!) and it seemed like I was semi okay with it not being on my terms in that regard. I had a really, really rough day a week plus ago and was so upset that I thought even he couldn't really help me and I even warned him that I might disappear for a few days because I was honestly having a very hard time, emotionally. He very much surprised me and was there for me and honestly somehow made me feel better and made me laugh and I was so surprised I even managed to have him and feel better, kinda. He kept being lovely to me for a few days after that and I felt like we were closer than ever, on a much more well rounded scale. Then suddenly, after one really lovely chat, the next day he suddenly sent me really degrading sexual messages that were honestly not only uncalled for but felt really hurtful, especially him not even asking if I was in the mood or not before even sending everything. I was too shocked to full on get angry with him and so questioned him about it and he seemed more carefree and unbothered by saying he's just in the mood and that "I should just let him be". Despite us continuing to talk, this whole thing made me feel some type of way because just when I thought wow here's this amazing man that has my back, he goes around and does this. Needless to say that really made me feel some type of way to a point where I decided that I'd rather he not hear or have me at all till I felt like it. I disappeared for 2 days and it was bliss. I then felt the need to at least say hello and we did talk after those couple of days but since my sleeping hasn't been too good and so I felt asleep and still felt some type of way about things and so we didn't talk for another 2 days. Now, I messaged him yesterday and he has seen my texts which were tbh very friendly and loving but he has not respond at ALL which is very much not like him. This never happened. I have been feeling uneasy about this and it dawned on me that despite all of this (good and bad) - ever since July, every time I think of HIM...what immediately flashes in my mind is that ONE dumb pic he said of him laying next to another Lady in bed and him acting all dumb about it like he never thought I'd notice ect. I honestly cannot even think of him without thinking of that pic and it hurts me inside despite knowing that he and I aren't exclusive. I don't know what to feel anymore because if he were to act as a genuine FRIEND than honestly there should not be ANY sexual talk whatsoever. And me TRYING to establish that hasn't worked because he's too weak of a man and a person to fully respect my terms, especially about not talking sexually. On the other hand I feel my heart strings being pulled because he always says how much he wants me in his life and begs not to ever leave him and that he loves me. And, no matter what I honestly can NOT hear about other women - even though we're both "single" and he has every right to do whatever he likes, I'm too jealous to hold that space for him to hear about stuff like that because then I feel like I not only never enjoy the conversation, I walk away feeling hurt and cannot handle it no matter how hard I try. It honestly makes me feel some type of way. This has honestly taken a toll on my heart because on the one hand when I did feel bliss and peace over us "breaking up", but at the same token I do feel sad because he's the only male friend - more than a friend - man I have in my life. Without him, I would have no one to talk to when I was feeling very emotional and upset like I mentioned and he has surprised me the last time by being there for me and wanting to help me in my life. But, now no matter what - when I think about him, the pic flashes in my mind and I get internally upset and sad inside. I will mention because I think it may be asked - we have never technically slept together. What should I do? P.S - it would be so lovely to hear a man's perspective on this !!!!!! What's the game here really? What he hell is going on?

Hey, been blessed to have been following leo for about three years. Best thing ever happened to me. So, I immediately became fascinated with Enlightenment after his Mushroom breakthrough. After that, I began meditating for hours at a day, eventually doing my own isolation retreat, and doing 247 mindfulness. I awoke my kundalini and could sit for 4+ hours in bliss, lol, so I am quite prepared. Now, my current practice is only 30 minutes of witnessing and focus practice. - So, I took two tabs on a 12-16 hour fast and within 30 min, it hit me like a brick that I was already enlightened and that I was just coming home. I could not stop laughing. Best walk of my entire life. Was laughing so hard at how amazing of a tool this is and how people have no clue. Anyways, contemplation power is X4-5 and totally in the moment. Felt like I saw the world for what is actually was the first time, ever, almost like a kid. Saw that these workers outside aren't working on a task, they ARE apart of the big picture, and they are either contributing to degration/resistance of evolution or helping it, basically. I saw through the entire rat race of society. In that instance I was floored on how I could go back to my two wage slave jobs the next day, but nonetheless, NOW it is inevitable I quit those jobs for my ultimate life purpose (still transitioning). Then, I am talking to my roommate, and he is of a different race and I immediately saw how racism was a complete joke - not even possible on this dose/for me at least. Saw that every leader must take this, if not, disaster may ensue - because without big picture, self-bias will kick in. Ecstatically realized that I want to make psychedelics my life purpose - doctor, therapist, advocate, etc. Then, it got to a point where I was completely out of concept land - a non dual experience where it just felt like I couldn't conceive of opposites. Also, everything seemed inevitable. Like psychedelics awakening man-kind/legalization, me completing my life purpose, and some other things. Resistance is what seems like things aren't God's inevitable plan. Soon, I started filming a passionate video about myself and basically doing a trip report on video. I was explaining on how obvious my life purpose was and was perplexed on how someone could avoid the experience of ego-dissolution on this substance - how they could resist it or not experience it on two tabs just blew my mind. And, I realized that all/70% addiction was seeking this awakening experience. Everything else was a cycle of suffering with weed, alcohol, and other drugs, aside from medicinal uses. Best experience of my life. Was very sad in this state to see that people are too scared to look into the own depths of their mind and are scared of these substances - if you're scared, you're putting off the inevitable things you'll have to work through in your life at some point anyway, it just seemed insane how people are missing out on this incredible joy for hits of coffee and weed. The major realization on this video was a mystical vision where Humanity would awaken through these substances - in this technology age, no one is going to go to the east and go to monasteries. If they do, it will most likely be catalyzed by psychedelics. The greatest human invention, truly. Because if you can change your mind, you can change anything in the material world you want, really. There was no ifs, ands, buts, or maybes that this will happen. Like Leo said, a time in future will people will awaken stupidly as if robots with a psychedelic path in a matter of years. Most importantly, I could NOT conceive of suffering. In this state, all suffering was was resistance. Resistance to what is, psychedelics, evolution, your sober state, etc. It was awesome - but still really hard to see how I resist in daily life, but nonetheless helped 7% more. I had a big urge to share the video I filmed because I feel like most people I know have NO clue that these substances can be used seriously for enlightenment and I wanted to document a live enlightenment experience, felt so authentic, however, losing my job was just not an option - and it would not have panned out well in general. 3 hours later, I crash HARD from that enlightenment experience/all that shakti, and am kinda depressed and feel icky from the acid. Definitely not an enjoyable drug after peak. It lasts too long, anxiety, and just feel uncomfortable and restless in my body/hard to write a bit. So, I may try AL-LAD, or 4-aco-dmt (but have heard bad things with 4-aco-dmt). So, even though this experience faded away, I knew I would never ever be the same. I kept on texting my best-friend several days after waking up, I will never be the same. I can't un-see what I saw. I must actualize my dreams and become enlightened. I also realized that I had been having mini awakenings and kundalini experiences that were similar to what I experienced in this trip the whole time, I just doubted them so much. Weed gave me a lot of pseudo mystical experiences - but was really hard to remember them (distraction substance compared to this stuff). Next couple days my brain felt totally rewired, more intelligent, way more energized, and conscious. Until couple days after, I began to sleep mid day and feel exhausted because of all of the rewiring and Central Nervous System taking in that extraordinarily high level of consciousness it was not used to - was definitely a good shock to my system. Best experience of my entire life in like three hours, LOL. -- Action: -become apart of psychedelic groups -A Career where I can do prison studies with psychedelics, 5-meo -A Career where I can take psychedelics myself -Tread the psychedelic path for enlightenment and therapy - I am so inspired by this path, yet at times it feels icky (maybe because of stigma/guilt) -study leo psychedelic booklist -study spiral dynamic book and forum -psychedelics, politics, enlightenment/philosophy -Life vision statement/vision-board -Get good at sitting with apathy, boredom, not feeling passionate, not feeling spiritual or feeling connected to God (obviously a green state chasing ideal) -Embody Orange because even though I had this intense mystical experience, I can't share it without losing my job and it's really sad lol. -Close friends MUST desire the Truth in some aspect Questions: I want a psychedelic that can take people quickly to God and I believe 5meo could help prisoners, and deeply unconscious people. Because I saw that even LSD wont do that, because no one I have talked to had even relatively the same experience I had, because no one cares about the Truth - I want something that can show it to people despite their intellectual ignorance? Is that kundalini awakening I felt after the trip for next week possible to feel all the time? Like that joy and excitement and STUPID easy ability to negate negative thoughts and do positive thinking/meditation? How do I make a career of out of Psychedelics without getting fired from my jobs as I start the business up and post stuff? And even with a medical degree, if I was truthful about the main objective of my degree, I would be dismissed immediately. Really tricky.

Unconditional Love is not a feeling its not bliss, sorry hun. Unconditional Love is Uncondtional Love. Unconditional Love is suffering on behalf of your students. taking on their pain so they can see and think clearly at the end of time, when all your students have awakened. onlt THEN is Unconditional Love a source of bliss. Grow the fuck up

Watching the breath can seem boring compared to whatever thoughts you may be having . This type of meditation belongs to the concentration category so yes, you're training that too. Like when you've got studying to do but would rather do something, anything else. My suggestion is to be kind to yourself, accept your laziness and carry on. Try and stretch yourself a little bit, within your comfort zone. Also, it helped me in the early stages to reach the occasional blissed-out state to motivate me to carry on. I still get bliss sometimes but it doesn't matter. Also, do you get enough aerobic exercise to burn off excess energy? That might help with the restlessness.

@Alex bliss ?

@Alex bliss i have no idea, because i didn't reach it lol, so I can't tell you for sure just like Leo and anyone in this topic but, from what I've heard - every path is different, yeah, that's for sure, because we are all different and it's a silly question tbh but what is more - there are the same steps that you have to go through to reach it for everyone, like, let's say - if you want to learn to run you have to learn to walk first, everyone learns this in a different way and in a different time, but still, we can all learn to run (you know what I mean) also, check these out: https://imgur.com/a/z6t4psC

@aklacor727 When i had a mystical experience/direct consciousness of Oneness that was one of the hardest ones for my ego as well. It had the most severe ego backlash. Because basically it recontexualizes everything you thought you knew your entire life. The curtain is lifted over all of reality for the first time and it's hard to swallow that duality is actually non-duality in disguise. I was left sick for a week with this feeling of being alone and looking back at myself; felt like i was going crazy and had depression. But that was the bad part. The good part was first a feeling of absolute bliss, wonder and amazement that this whole thing was mine. It was very liberating. Once you get past the backlash and integrate the realization it is much better.

@Alex bliss you're right, I guess if that's true then it just surprised me alot because I don't have anyone in person to talk to this about so it excites me when people show some kind of interest or understanding

beautiful, but the part about liberty is important. 3 generations is enough to makes people servil, stupid, and loving their golden cage.. North corea is just not even a golden cage. but ignorance is bliss, she talks about the fact that she was feeling nothing for people death on the street when she was in north corea. So maybe love "is a disease we spread " if she wasn't aware it existed and didn't feel anything ? does that mean that empathy is a delusion though ? She probably had some, but she extrapoled a bit for the ted, I doubt human are passive to human death, even as a pure psycho there is at list a "noticing", probably more a self defense mechanism to keep surviving. I was feeling sad for her, but in the meantime, it's not only "north korea", every egoic society needs his "north korea side".

I'm soon going to make a long and probably quite a controversial topic on the notion of suicide, or suicidality. IU've worked on it already a bit, but I'm not done yet. Right now I'm busy with other processes so it has stalled for a little bit, but it's probably going to come out in a couple of days. I have made a previous post on the topic of suicidality some two years ago, which I will link you to. However: Note that this was two years ago that I had written this, and my understanding about suicide and suicidality has deepened significantly. I had a tremendous insight into the nature of suicidality almost a year ago. But I will give you the link anyways since it may still very wel help you. Read the rest of my reply though before you click the link. https://psychcentralforums.com/depression/494523-whats-point-potent-reasons-choose-life-over.html?fbclid=IwAR3tWuDHuDFT7OOAxaMkoK8RN3xPC164po7qQ2rXEK0EjPqc43wkbonkeAM The important difference as to regard with my understanding about suicide or suicidality then and my understanding about it now, is that I've completely veered off from the idea that suicide is something that needs to be prevented, something that is evil, something that is bad and you should not do. In my realization I had almost a year ago, I realized that there is actually nothing objectively bad about the decision to commit suicide. You inherently have the freedom to do so, and God or existence will not punish you for committing it. If you commit suicide, it is my feeling that you will end up in a new incarnation in which you then get to choose the ideal conditions for your next life, also having taken into account how you have acted (including your decision to commit suicide) in your previous life. I'm not saying you will necessarily be better off in your next life —as what has not been resolved in the previous life has to be resolved in the next one, or the one after, or the one after, or the one after... It all depends whenever you decide to choose to allow spirit to guide you instead of your ego-based identity. But... suicide won't make it worse also. The unconsciousness in which you allow yourself to be possessed by that moves you to the decision to commit suicide will make it worse, but it is my feeling that the very act of suicide itself is neither good or bad. It just is. Nobody or nothing is going to punish you for the decision to commit suicide. But the ego-mind which you had decided to cling to prior to the final act of self-imposed death will make a vengeance, as suicide has not permanently resolved its identification with it. But you may get a temporary relief up until the point that the ego-mind starts re-establishing itself in the next level you are going to play in the game called life. So the whole problem with trying to prevent others or ourselves from committing suicide is that we do not understand that the ultimate purpose of life is not about survival. Whether we decide to commit suicide or not is not essential. The ego doesn't permanently evaporate when we commit suicide, but for the same coin our ego also doesn't leave us if we persist in continuing in our ego-based struggles where we insist that we must survive life at every cost, even though our life may be an almost continuous torment. In fact, to insist that we must survive life at all costs is, if we really think about it in a clear objective way, simply an absolute insanity! Because life is not about survival! It's ultimate purpose is awakening, not survival! What's the point of merely trying to survive, trying to stay positive, trying to fend off reasons and feelings that seem to support quitting the game, and trying to find and attach ourselves to reasons that seem to support our continuation of the game? (In actuality, it is the level we're quitting, but most people believe they will quit the game altogether, which I feel is impossible). Now to answer your questions: Is suicide always unconscious or possibly justified at higher stages of development at a particular context? Good question. I have heard stories about sages willfully leaving their own body because they have decided that their work is done for that particular incarnation. The stories have said however that they don't leave the body by doing something crude like hanging themselves, but that they can consciously leave their body through leaving it through the navel, as so I've heard. So I think that indeed at higher stages it can be justified. In fact, even at lower levels of consciousness if you really focus your energy and will to succeed in this one goal of taking your own life, it is in a way of looking at it more justified or at least more respectable than those who end up committing suicide in a fit of desperation. I myself had a time where I had very willfully tried to focus my energies to take my own life, trying to make it a very conscious and deliberate act. As you can tell, I had not succeeded but I really tried to devote myself to doing it. It is my feeling that if I had had succeeded in taking my own life this same spirit of devotion would have greatly benefited my next life, as opposed to doing it in a sort of eruption of repressed suicidal feelings whilst in a fit of despair. I'm not saying I would have been better off had I committed suicide, and probably not worse also. But now it has turned out to be that I get to use this same spirit of devotion in my current incarnation. True and internalized understanding of the nature of suicidality however ceases to allow any feelings of suicidal despair to ever pervade your being again. And total understanding comes only with total acceptance. In other words: if you are capable of truly and fully accepting the idea that you would or could commit suicide, that you are completely okay with it towards yourself, you would not fear it nor resist it, and thereby paradoxically the whole suicidal desire dissipates. Therefore, my devotion of me trying to commit suicide was not total; there was still judgement and resistance. Because if it was total, I would have come to total peace with my decision to do it. And if I were to come to total peace, then who wants to commit suicide when he is completely peaceful? Then the whole idea seems absurd. People at very high stages of consciousness however can decide not out of despair but out of a simple, calm understanding that this life has been outlived and that they can choose to leave their body at will to go on to the next journey. Perhaps other older people who are not as consciously developed can choose not out of despair but out of tiredness that also they have been long enough in the body and that they want leave it. But I'm not really sure about it, though. Is there a time period of going through a form of hell for the ego mind/body that commits an unconscious form of suicide that settles one's energies in order for them to be able give birth to another form of existence? If so how long does it approximately last according to human time understanding? I can't really be entirely sure but I doubt it. Not after you're already dead, I feel. Or otherwise not very long after it. However, I have heard a guru that I have a lot of respect for say that whatever your emotional state is at the time of death, it will be magnified 100x more (don't take the number too literal; I doubt it's mathematically completely accurate). So if there's bliss at that moment, bliss will be magnified 100x more, and if there's anguish, it will be magnified 100x more. Perhaps it is accurate to say that whatever egoic patterns you're holding in your body-mind structure that has been developed throughout this incarnation will have to be evaporated within a very short time span in order to release your soul from the body (which means it will be very intense for a short period of time for it to be released), and then even more deeply embedded unconscious egoic patterns that have been ingrained in the soul-level you take with you to the next incarnation —whether these egoic patterns already existed in you from previous incarnations or were created in this incarnation. That's my feeling about it, but I'm not totally sure about it. Is there a hierarchical principle of stages of life achievements and personal development at which one dies or commits suicide that determine what will one reincarnate as in samsara after some time? For example if I kill myself now at 22 having not worked a day in my life and not contributing almost nothing to society and still having pretty bad habits of being lazy will I reincarnate for example as a simpler form of life a worm or some plant and how in that context does one through the process of samsara earn to become human again? I don't think you will ever devolve this far down the line, if devolution is at all possible to begin with. That, I doubt too. My understanding in this area has yet to grow further, though. Neither not contributing to society nor being lazy nor even killing yourself I think will create negative karma. Understand the difference between the act and the quality of which you're doing it by. No act in itself creates negative karma. Any act that may seem to be valuable or honorable by standards of society but is done from a place of ego WILL create negative karma. Karma is not a punishment also; It is you allowing yourself to get more entrenched in the egoic position and thereby creating more pain in the future for yourself as there is more egoic holding patterns you have created for yourself to be detached from, which is always inevitably painful. Your quality of consciousness decides what is righteous and what is not. If you commit yourself now to the lazy life —as I had to do too— you are ought to create many valuable traits within yourself that is associated with the particular polarity in which you are devoting yourself to. Laziness can, amongst other things, be a form of guarding your own space and rediscovering your inner truth. Later down the line when the pendelum swings you towards the polarity of activity, then all the assets you have learned during your phase of laziness will then be put to use. So you are now growing the roots so that later on the tree can blossom much more vividly.

@Alex bliss also watch Leo's video on Godels incompleteness theorem.

@Alex bliss hello how are you? Who are you?

@Alex bliss ?

@Alex bliss watch Leo's latest video

Hey folks. I'm really excited about what happened to me these last few days. Recently due to my 4 hour long mindfulness sessions, I've started to experience jhanas. These are absorption flow states in meditation. There are 8 specific altered states called jhanas in the Buddhist literature. Don't be scared. The first one is absolutely doable by commited practitioners. But remember: Jhanas only start to occur AFTER access concentration. Access Concentration: High stability of attention to the meditation object which results in with very little distractions and dullness. A sense of effortlessness arises. Stage 7+ TMI practitioner can easily do access concentration almost every time they sit on the cushion with relative ease. That is what I've been doing. But that is not really producing a strong anti-depressant-dopamine effect. I was never a jhana person. I'm totally fine doing painful SDS sits and transcending pain and reducing suffering. But at the same time, I was experiencing WAAY too much aversion to meditate for 4+ hours a day. Constant pain and boredom create an obstacle on the path. I don't care how much of a spiritual strength you have. All the marathon monks who are doing crazy long SDS sits have not only mastered these jhanas but they have transcended them with multiple awakenings. So don't underestimate the power of jhanic states. Masters are doing these all the time. This is how joy is cultivated. I've realized that what Culadasa regards as 'Piti' - joy and pleasantness is not a strong part of my practice. Leigh also has an ENTIRE book about this topic called: 'The Right Concentration: A guide to Jhanas' - This is amazing supplement book to TMI by the way. So the problem is: I'm concentrated but I can't infuse my body with rapture and joy similar to when a depressed person takes a strong dose of SSRI. What do I do? That is where jhanas come in. After dropping into the first Jhana 3 days in a row using some very basic instructions, I had to talk about it there briefly for people who want to do it as well. This is NOT something a beginner can do. But you don't have to spend 40 years in a cave to do it as well. So relax. Again, if you are stage 5-6-7 in TMI, then you are absolutely ready to master the first jhana. Here is my claim: I can conclude that if you can drop into the first jhana deeply and maintain that depth in daily life, there will be virtually no difference if you've taken a good dose of Xanax and an anti-depressant like Paxera. Not only you are calm due to samatha practice but your whole body and mind is infused with joy and happiness to a radical degree due to the 1st jhana. And let me remind you that there are 7 more jhanas But the first one is enough to create a dopamine effect so strong that it rivals anti-depressants like Paxera. Here are the step by step instructions: 1- Get to access concentration with the breath. You don't have to get to effortlessness or no-mind too deeply. Just get to a place where mind wandering no longer occurs. Breath is primary and your attention no longer alternates. Expand the awareness to the body as always once this occurs. That is necessary for the 1st jhana. 2- Now this is VERY important. Completely let go of the breath. Let the breath sensations stay in awareness in the background. Move your attention to a pleasant sensation in your body. Awareness will cover the breath, the external sights and sounds. If there are no perceptible pleasant sensation, there 2 great antidotes: - Smile. Don't underestimate this. A fake smile will turn into a real one by the time you are in access concentration. This is BY FAR the most effective method for me to generate pleasant sensations. Don't judge it before trying it. - Stop putting the body in uncomfortable postures. Lay down if you have to. Use pillows. This is the number 1 rule if you want to practice jhanas: You CANNOT train the nervous system for jhanas if you are experiencing a lot of physical discomfort and pain. Period. So take a break from your painful SDS sits and look for the joy and happiness in the body. Do shorter sessions if you have to. Pleasant sensation will usually arise in 4 places: (Although it can arise literally anywhere) - Around and at the top of the head (This is where it occurs in me the most strongly) - Heart and chest area - Hand area. - Whole body as a whole. Someone who is skilled in 1st jhana can experience pleasure and happiness in all 4 locations at the same time. So keep that in mind. It doesn't have to be just one location. 3- Maintain stable attention on the pleasent sensations and wait for it to evolve to rapture, bliss and meditative joy. This is the most deceptive stage. If you desire for it to occur, it won't happen. If you have a craving for a psychedelic experience, it won't happen. If you still concentrate on the breath, it won't happen. Just maintain attention the pleasent sensations without expectations and craving and then all of a sudden, you'll drop into the first jhana. This is not rare. This is not luck-based. If you could come to the 3rd step and did everything as instructed, you'll get to first jhana. You just have to have enough concentration to turn that subtle pleasant sensation into a full blown SSRI effect. And you have to maintain detachment and non-craving at the last phase. If nothing else works in the last stage, don't be frustrated. My best tip for step 3 is to take it easy and actually do a walking meditation. Or simply talk to someone. Read a book. Do all this with mindfulness. Why? The idea is to put your attention elsewhere to create relaxed diligence. You are likely tensing too much mentally for a jhana to occur. Even if your body is relaxed, there is still craving on a deep unconscious level. What works for me is to do daily activities and just as my tension dissipates, there it is, SSRI effect is coming very strongly. It just arises without me forcing anything. I'm talking to my brother and all of a sudden, joy and rapture infuse my body very strongly. And I can maintain this with relative consistency for most of the day. This is mind-blowing for me. I never could imagine jhanas could be SO intense and effective as SSRIs. If someone told me that this was possible to do all day and turn this into a baseline with meditation, I'd have practiced with more diligence and discipline. I'm in a really happy place. I feel AMAZING. I'm even feeling a lot of joy and happiness RIGHT NOW as I'm writing this. This is incredible. I highly recommend following these instructions if you feel ready to experience jhanas.

Its nature, the eternal can only be known, and never be told. In the end, silence is the only pure language of god. and in the silence there is stillness and in the stillness there is eternal bliss.

Sat chit ananda AKA. "existence, consciousness, bliss" or no-thing

tldr; ive spent literally 10-15 years of my life looking for my life purpose. I haven't found it and am depressed and exhausted. Should I continue looking or just accept doing a job I hate? I've got this idea in my head from an early age(since primary school) that if you find your life purpose, you will find something that will make you excited to wake up early every morning, something that gives you deep gratification, something where if you do it you get instant bliss, a flow state. In 10-15 years of searching intensely(searching to exhaustion, every day, causing my family, teachers and professors stress in the process) I have not found it. What keeps me going to this day is I know and can strongly feel there is happiness in this world. It exists. I can feel that if I do something(not sure what) I will feel that bliss and love I've always wanted. It feels immersive, expansive, beautiful, deeply joyful. I get images of a transcendent life form; a heavenly realm, ancient Egypt, the advanced complexity and lovingness of mother nature; awe inspiring, the hippy movement, plants, ecosystems, the greatest of the great of ancient greece like Pythagoras. Deep deep wisdom. It feels huge, like it would suffocate and swallow whole the entire universe im in and then dissolve into bliss. While I can smell and feel it, I cannot find it. Its like the sweet scent of a delicious cake, I can smell it but cannot find it anywhere. Summary of my journey Maybe its contained in science. So in middle school I ace my science exams. But for some reasons science feels mechanical and I get the sense that this logical mechanicalness removes that scent I'm looking for. So I try computer science. Maybe its computer science. I love building things that impact the world. Maybe the happiness is located inside of the satisfaction from building some really marvellous code. But as I do computer science, that happiness evaporates. It turns into suffering. Computer programming is highly myopic. I can't see the big picture, and even if I can its so rule based. Its dry and dead. So then I try biology. But you don't really build things in biology, and also it has this very horrible tendency to reducing living systems into logical, process driven units that interact with each other in ways that aren't inspiring. Then I thought, ahhh the scent must be in something inspiring. So then I go to mathematics. Maybe the scent is contained in the mathematical beauty of building an equation that is so advanced its transcendent, like that image I have of ancient egypt. Then I try and realize that mathematics is more about meddling with made up, completely dead rules that have nothing to do with the happiness I'm looking for. So then in haste I leave university and make a startup. Things are going much better but while doing the startup I'm a programmer and hate it. So then I think, how can I benefit the startup without using programming? I need more inspiration in my life, more liveliness. So then I try adding value by making meditation techniques and being sort of a company yogi. But the problem is, a large part of that work involves thinking. And there is no happiness (that im looking for) in thinking. Its in experience. So then I try visual arts. I spend 6 months learning how to draw, trying to feel rather than think. But then the intuition in my head says "No matter what you try, if you're trying to create something which is made of thought, by doing that you remove yourself from that thing you're looking for". So then in my last attempt to find that life purpose, I double down and for the 4th time do Leo's LP course. I love big picture thinking, beauty and wisdom. I dream of advanced cities. Maybe my LP is law and political governance. But as I attempt to spend heaps of resources in exploring that option, I'm reminded of the amount of times I thought I had found that happiness, my LP, but then after a while realized that there was some problem or misunderstanding, and withing a few months that happiness that I was looking for was gone. What should I do? Should I continue exploring and looking for my LP or just accept that I will have a job I hate, or try to be a millionare and retire early?

Neither is Bliss

Shrooms will not make everyone feel like "ass" the next day. Sometimes you will feel amazingly high on life for days and weeks after a shroom trip. You are not automatically tapping into pleasure centers, like you are on a recreational drug like heroin for example, which is going to give you a desired effect, the psychedelic is going to amplify existing consciousness, which may or may not be pleasurable. If it is pleasurable, its likely because you are seeing a new perspective on life and tapping into your natural bliss, it isn't forcing you to be ecstatic like mdma for example. What you are saying is just as true the other way around, imagine the individuals brain chemistry already being "messed up" and the psychedelic is a tool to bring it back closer to baseline if used correctly. Psychedelics go far beyond brain chemistry, they will show you truths about existence.

I Am Love I Am Light I Am Bliss I Am Free I Am One I Am Two I Am You I Am Me

Trip #2 (40mg DMT powder crystals extracted from Mimosa Hostillis; drank with water and fresh squeezed orange juice): 9/21/2019 Participant: Anonymous Gender: Male Body weight: 160 lbs? Known sensitivities: None History of psychedelic use: One previous trip where nothing happened (dosage too low at 15mg) Pre-Conditions: Set (mind): Fairly peaceful; spent day doing homework at library and feeling moderate sexual urges. Meditated/napped laying down for 3 hours in the morning. Somewhat antsy and restless about getting results with spirituality and experiencing god directly. Slightly impatient with the fact that I have not had any psychedelic breakthroughs, but I still respect the process and am committed to a lifelong journey of meditation, yoga, mindfulness, thoughtless awareness, and waking up from the dream of physical reality. Set (physical condition): Somewhat energetic; stomach is fairly full (I didn’t eat that much, but sometimes I get full quickly; I’m not bloated, but if I ate a bit more, I might quickly become bloated). My body feels comfortable and I feel like I can quickly shift between relaxed and active. Setting (location): Arizona, US; my studio apartment Time of day: 7:06 pm Recent drug use: None Last meal: 2 pm-is; peach smoothie; spinach/banana smoothie; brown rice; yellow bell pepper; kale; dandelion greens; 2 slices of wheat bread with hummus; Lara bar Bioassay: Substance(s): DMT extracted from Mimosa Hostillis Dose(s): 40 mg; I will take a second dose of 20 mg 2 hours into the trip if effects are inadequate Method of administration: pharmahuasca tea preceded by harmala mix (2:1:1 in tapioca capsule) Effects: Administration time: 8:27pm; nothing happened until about 9::20pm Duration: about 2 hrs 40 min First effects: 9:20pm; a droopy, tranquilized feeling Peak: 10pm – 12am; heightened consciousness continually forcing me into the present moment, then relaxing me into sickness/nausea, then pulling me back into the present moment with heightened consciousness Come down: 12am – 3:15am; Waking up after a 3-hour nap and just realizing the effects were mostly gone. Baseline: 4am Rated Effects (Scale of 1-10): Intensity: 5 Pleasantness: 4 Unpleasantness: 5 Visual Intensity: 1 (no hallucinations, but regular vision was heightened and more real) Hangover (duration): for 30 min after napping? Afterglow (duration): for 1 hour after the hangover thing? Preparation/Intention: Decided to do only one trip per month max. Set intention at least one week in advance: What ideally would I like to get out of my experience? I want to open my third eye to intelligent infinity. Questions to consider: -What is success to me and how will I know if I am heading in the right direction? To me, success is emulating sages like Lahiri Mahasaya in the sense that I can oscillate between formless and form gracefully. I will know if I am heading in the right direction when I can walk around at work with a dissolved mind (not even thinking that I am “at work”), yet have the mind spontaneously appear with all its relevant HVAC knowledge exactly when needed. Maybe fear will be involved, but I will not mind the fear—I will welcome it. Also, this whole oscillation will not involve hurting others or myself, or any sort of collateral damage that can come from aloofness—this is how I will know I am successful at my simultaneous spiritual/physical journey. Also, in meditation, my two primary criteria are how deep is my meditation bliss, and how long do I naturally enter the breathless state. Trip Report: Plan: 3- to 4- hour expectiation Ginger tea, sip once before, then throughout Take harmala, wait 50 minutes; recommended dose: 150-170 mg; my dose:170 mg Take pharmahuasca drink (DMT + water + orange juce); recommended dose: 30-80mg; my dose: 40 mg; take 2nd does of 20 mg 2 hours in if nothing much happens Expect trip to last no longer than 4 hours 7:06pm Took harmala tapioca capsule after soaking it in hot water for several minutes so it digests eaiser; meditated/read “secret power of kriya yoga” for 54 minutes until 8pm 8:00pm Weighed out 40mg; drank it with warm water and squeezed juice from an orange 8:27pm Drank DMT 9:20 pm-ish As a summary before I get into details, it appears the whole “trip” lasted about 3 three hours, from about 9:20pm to about 12am. Also, there were absolutely no visuals, and I guess I would classify this as a “bad trip,” although it wasn’t really horrifying or anything. I remember saying to myself, “On a scale of sick to high, this definitely feels more on the sick side.” And I thought, “I’m also not sure why sick and high are on the same spectrum . . . but they are right now, I guess . . . .” It didn’t feel blissful or divine, but there was a sense of self-aware humor and the present moment of me laying and walking around in my apartment was very real. I oscillated between sick/nauseous and awake/heightened reality/present. I kept saying to myself, “It keeps coming back. I don’t know what to do. It keeps coming back. Please help me. When will this stop? Go away, I get it. I get it. Go away. Go away.” “It keeps coming back” was referring to this sense of heightened consciousness whereby I really couldn’t think of anything else except what was happening in the present moment. I felt possessed, and I kept shaking my head and flailing my arms, and when I walked around, my body felt hot and tingly, and my legs were weak as if my entire body were exhausted and ready for sleep, yet my head was wide wide awake and refreshed. I remember saying to myself, “I feel nauseous like I’m going to throw up and have diarrhea, but then, just as I feel I’m going to vomit, the feeling resolves itself into feeling awake and refreshed, like I just woke up.” (Was this a result of the BDNF? I don’t know.) This oscillation happened maybe every 30 seconds or every minute. Anyway, on to the details. I was naked during the whole trip, as it’s just more comfortable I guess. No real effects happened between 8:27pm and 9:20pm. At 9:20pm, I was thinking I should get up and take another dose because I wanted something to actually happen during this trip. The second dose would have been the rest of my DMT because I didn’t have much left, and it would be about 20mg or so. I was beginning to think the DMT I had extracted was a dud, or I had let it sit in my freezer for too long, but then I started feeling relaxed and droopy in my body, yet my head was wide awake. My arms flailed here and there, sort of like I was having an incredibly mild, almost controllable seizure. I felt like I was being tranquilized by the harmala, and at this point, I still thought my DMT was a dud, I wasn’t sure if I was feeling the effects of the DMT, and I figured everything I was experiencing was because of the harmala, like it wouldn’t have mattered if I had taken the DMT at all. So for a while, a debate was going on in my mind (not in language, but subtle thoughts) about whether I should take that second dose because what was happening so far seemed kind of lame for a psychedelic experience. It almost felt more like food poisoning mixed with possession by heightened consciousness. And I distinguish between heightened consciousness and higher consciousness. Whatever my conceptions were of higher consciousness before this trip, this certainly didn’t feel like that. By heightened consciousness, I just mean that I was constantly being pulsed with a feeling of just waking up, my brain feeling really refreshed and not sleepy at all. And then the sick feeling would come back, but there weren’t any stomach aches or anything. Just a feeling like I was going to have diarrhea (although when I went to sit on the toilet several times, all that came out was gas) or vaguely like I was going to vomit (though I never did). It felt like my intestines were in the process of being tranquilized, and they were just relaxing and ready to evacuate anything in them. I felt like I was being constantly evacuated (though, again, nothing ever came out of either end). And for the heightened consciousness aspect of it, you might say I was on a rack of consciousness (like that torture device they used in medieval times), and my consciousness was being pulled open to heightened consciousness, and then relaxed back down, then pulled open again, and so on. Although the peaks never really got any higher, it was just up and down, up and down, always up to the same level. So, this next part will be sort of stream of consciousness of what happened during the “trip.” Anything I write in quotes is something I said to myself out loud (not too loud, usually just in whispers or low volume talking; also they’re probably not direct quotes, I’m just going off of my memory of it, which is slowly fading). I hesitate to call it a trip because it might have just been biological effects, but there was definitely something about this that shifted my reality and made me realize I was experiencing something I had never experienced before, it just didn’t feel particularly psychedelic. Also, whenever I spoke out loud, I had a slight anxiety and caution about not letting any of my apartment neighbors hear me. I lay on my bed and wonder if I should take more DMT. “I can’t tell if this is the . . . harmala . . . or the DMT.” I flail around a bit and walk over to the bathroom. I feel a little less nauseous standing. As I pass by my microgram scale on the ground which I used to weigh the dose, I put my hands out toward the scale and say, “Okay, I won’t take any more. I won’t take any more.” It was like my thinking process wasn’t really working, and any decisions that had to be made had to be said out loud. At first, I wasn’t really scared at all. I look at myself in the mirror. I look almost like a manikin. Sometimes after I meditate, I get this meditation high, and then I look at myself in the mirror and I do look sort of like a manikin, like my reality becomes sort of like a lucid, dissociated clay-mation puppet thing, and this was sort of like that—lifeless, yet having an alive is-ness. I sit on the toilet because I felt like I was going to have diarrhea, but then when I sit down, the feeling goes away. “What is happening? What is happening?” My face contorts like I’m crying, like I’m a kid who feels lost or something. “What have I done? Is this the DMT?” I keep reminding myself that I took a psychedelic, and I sort of imagine what I would say if I went outside and talked to the authorities or called 911 or just talked to a stranger. “I just . . . took . . . a psychedelic. I took harmala . . . and DMT. My name is *blank* and I work at *blank*, and I just took a psychedelic. I don’t know what’s happening. I don’t know what’s happening. Please help me.” I walk around a little from my bathroom to my bed, and back to the bathroom, occasionally looking at myself in the mirror and talking to myself. Any thoughts or mental images that I have are quickly pushed out as the heightened consciousness pulls me back into the present moment and most of my memory goes. “Memory . . . memory . . . .” I will refer to the heightened consciousness as if it were an entity possessing me, but I might be misinterpreting what happened and I could be self-deluded. It wasn’t full force “Exorcism of Emily Rose” possession, nor did it feel demonic at all, but it felt vaguely other-worldly. Suffice it to say I had never experienced anything like this before and this was not “normal.” I look at myself in the mirror and my face and eyes contort as if to cry. “I don’t know what’s happening.” I stumble around from foot to foot and fall back gently into the wall, then stand up again and keep stumbling around. My head shakes from side to side. Sometimes when my head shakes, I make sounds like Jabba the Hut, and it feels like I’m a duck shaking something off. “What have I done? I don’t know what to do. Can I eat? Am I supposed to eat something?” I sit on the toilet and just lean sideways against the wall. My body feels exhausted like it’s sick, but my head is wide wide awake, yet I can’t really think very much. The heightened consciousness keeps pulling me back to present moment, like it wants me to face something. “What am I supposed to learn? Am I supposed to learn something? What am I supposed to learn? What do you want to teach me?” I walk over to my bed again, briefly stopping by the refrigerator as if to get something to eat, but I don’t take anything. I sit on my bed. “What am I supposed to learn?” My body feels hot and tingly, kind of tired, but my head doesn’t want to sleep at all. I am being pulled constantly awake, and my head feels refreshed. There is a slight feeling of anxiety and maybe fear, but ultimately I know I am okay. This whole thing is just foreign to me. “Am I the teacher? Find . . . just . . . .” I don’t know, man, I think of the first thing that comes to mind. “ . . . just be love. Just . . . be . . . just . . . be . . . love.” I calm down a bit. I walk to the bathroom and sit on the toilet again. “What am I supposed to do?” My head shakes from side to side continually, as if I’m having a seizure. “I don’t know . . . what to do.” I look at the bathroom door and it looks very real. I focus on it, and it becomes augmented a little, like it’s “shining is-ness,” but there are no psychedelic visuals or anything like hallucinations. “I feel like I’m dying. But I’m still here. It keeps coming back. Fuck, it keeps coming back.” I’m referring to the heightened consciousness pulling me awake into the present moment and away from any thoughts. I imagine killing myself. It never turns into something I might actually do, but I don’t know what to do, so I just think of stuff. I can barely do anything. I feel tranquilized, but my head is wide awake. Again, I know I’m not going to hurt myself, but I’m just helping myself navigate through this experience and seeing what works in terms of thoughts or behaviors to make me aligned with “what feels right.” I imagine taking a knife and cutting my throat. Maybe shooting myself in the head. This calms me down a bit. This doesn’t seem to be what the heightened consciousness wants. It seems to want me to see something. It’s not giving me any thoughts. It’s like it’s revealing myself to me through my behavior and feelings in the present moment, but no thoughts or concepts or teachings come. It wants me to figure something out for myself. Like it’s showing me, “This is what you are. No interpretation, no analysis, no concepts. Just . . . raw . . . you. This is what you are. Behold.” But it wasn’t like I felt amazing about myself. It didn’t really mean anything, and it just felt kind of arbitrary. But it was all very very present. It’s almost like the angels of Christmas past and present or whatever, but this thing feels like it’s dragging me by the neck and showing me the present moment again and again, arbitrarily. It’s not saying anything to me, in thoughts or in subtle feelings or vibrations. Whatever is happening, I’m on my own, and if I’m supposed to learn something, I’m supposed to just figure it out. (This is just a way to describe how my body felt like it was possessed; I didn’t feel any sensations of grabbing, I didn’t feel any pain, and I didn’t feel violated in any way, but I did feel controlled by something.) And maybe I didn’t need to learn anything. Maybe it was an experience that meant nothing. Anyway, I look at myself in the mirror. I smile and giggle a little. “I don’t know what’s happening. What the fuck is happening? What the fuck is happening? Please stop. Stop . . . just stop. I get it. I get it. . . . Go away. Please stop.” I oscillate between imagining someone else observing me and seeing how weird this is, and then directly facing the present moment on my own, realizing I’m in a situation that I need to deal with, and imagining other people or other scenarios is not gonna work. I just have to face the present moment on my own. The heightened consciousness is just showing me the present moment—heightened—over and over. I’m not tired of it in an exhausted sense, but I do want it to stop because it feels weird, not blissful like meeting God or anything, and I keep oscillating back down to that nauseous state. And I feel hot and tingly and weak in the legs, almost like I have a fever, but, again, my head feels awake and refreshed. “I get it. I get it.” I want the experience to stop. There are moments of humor where I’m laughing at myself and seeing how strange this is. At one point, while I feel the urge to have diarrhea, I say, “My life . . . purpose . . . my life . . . purpose . . . is diarrhea. My life purpose is diarrhea.” I laugh at myself. A belly laugh, all the way up to my neck and face, and it feels good. “I get it. Please go away. Please stop.” My face contorts as if I’m crying. “When the fuck is this going to end? Just go away. God . . . is apparently lame. Aaahhh . . . go fuck yourself.” Essentially, I’m talking to the heightened consciousness, or to the experience itself, and then sometimes I talk to myself. I’m not claiming that I was actually experiencing God, but that was my initial intention beforehand, and so it was on my mind and I was just saying what came to mind. I imagine a girl from my childhood. “Alexandra . . . please help me.” I imagine all my coworkers and say their names. “Please help me . . . I love you. Please help me.” All at once I feel anxiety/anguish/sort-of-helplessness, and then the heightened consciousness pulls me out of that and then back into the present moment where thinking barely works and my head feels refreshed. It seems to want me to face the present moment. It’s not quite bullying me, but it is pushing me. At one point, I point at my penis and say, “This is my penis. This is my penis.” I look around and at the ceiling, and I’m pointing things out to the heightened consciousness (or maybe to myself) like a little kid just pointing things out. Just . . . a little kid pointing at its genitals. I grab a peach smoothie from the refrigerator and start drinking. I walk to the mirror. There are gnats flying around. I have an empty garbage bin on the bathroom countertop. Inside the bin, there’s a tray filled with apple cider vinegar. There is plastic wrap covering the top of the garbage bin, except with one corner pulled back. This is so I can catch the gnats since they’re attracted to the vinegar, and then release them outside. As a side note, in my personal life, I have a soft spot for insects, and I practice loving them. And I feel bad when I kill them. Anyway, I look at some of the gnats flying around and they remind me of fireflies. I talk to the gnats, “What am I supposed to do? What the hell is happening?” I sit down on the floor next to my refrigerator. “I just . . . want a cookie. I want a cookie. Can I . . . eat a cookie?” I grab a cookie-flavored Lara bar and I hold it for a while. As I try to open it, my hands are shaking and I can barely move. “What the fuck is happening? I don’t know what’s happening. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. . . . I’m sorry. . . . Please help me.” It takes me forever to open the Lara bar wrapper, and eventually I do it and eat the bar. I chew on it and my jaws is shaking like my hands. But I also have periods where my body just sits still, tired. And with each shake of my jaw, I chew the Lara bar. “Please stop. I just want this to stop.” My face contorts as if to cry, my body feels like it wants to evacuate something, through the mouth or the bottom, and then the heighted consciousness pulls me back to the present moment, head refreshed. My face has the expression of, “Fine, I guess you get your way. I guess I’m just gonna deal with you, then.” My lips purse a little. I get up and go to the mirror. I see my peach smoothie sitting on the bathroom counter, and I don’t remember putting it there. It seems like forever ago that I was drinking that. I pick the bottle up. “I remember you.” I kiss it and smile at myself in the mirror. I put it back in the refrigerator. I occasionally say, “I already said that. I already said that.” I was getting these feelings like I wanted to get out of the trip, and then the heightened consciousness would pull me back, so I figured it wanted me to admit defeat—admit that I’m weak and that I lost—admit that I didn’t know what the hell was going on, and in the face of this thing, I was a slobbering, blumbering fool with his thumb in his ass, begging for help (strangely, though, I never begged for help from my mother or from a generalized mother, I just “begged” for help in general). So every time I got that feeling that the heightened consciousness was trying to “put me in my place,” I got the feeling of, “Okay, you win. I’m weak, you’re powerful. I submit, I surrender.” And then I would say out loud, “I already said that. I already said that.” As if to say, “I already admitted defeat. I already surrendered. You got what you want, now let me go.” But it kept coming back. And I also vaguely forgot that I had previously “surrendered” until the next moment of surrender came. At one point, I’m looking for my mp3 player. “I need Bentihno Massaro. Help me . . . Bentinho . . . help me.” I keep looking for my mp3 player, but I can’t find it, and I have to force myself to look for it because the heightened consciousness keeps forcing me back into the present moment. And I almost forget than I’m looking for it. So I walk around somewhere else for a while, then remember to look for my mp3 player. I give up a couple times. Then I finally find it and sit on my bed and listen to what’s on there. It’s Leo Gura’s “What is God?” episode from his YouTube Channel, so I listen to that for a little while. Then I switch over to Robert Gass’s “Kyrie” because I feel like spiritual music will help me. After about 5 or 8 minutes, I pull out my headphones. The rest of the trip, both before and after this, was all experienced without headphones or any media or music. Just me and silence. I’m on all fours on my bed. “I can always . . . call 911.” Before these words came out, I felt some anxiety, like I needed to fix a problem. After the words came out, I realized this probably wasn’t the way to go, and the heightened consciousness wanted something else from me (also, I just didn’t feel like creating any hassle). It wasn’t so much that my intuition was making decisions, it was more like I was a slave to whatever was happening. Whatever happened just happened. The present moment made decisions by happening. Nothing was thought out beforehand. “This is still fucking happening. I took DMT. I took a psychedelic. When the fuck will this end? What have I done? What . . . have I done? It keeps coming back. It’s very persistent. Why is this lasting so long? . . . Oh, yeah, that fucking harmala . . . .” I walk to the mirror. Again, the heightened consciousness keeps pulling me back to the present moment, and I can’t think about or put my attention on anything else. Past goes, future goes. But it’s not really blissful. It’s almost like I’m surviving it. But when you’re trying to survive the present moment, it’s almost like an oxymoron because you feel slight panic like there’s an emergency, and then it’s just the present moment which is calming, dispelling, and . . . it’s just there. It’s like the heightened consciousness was constantly putting me in a state of emergency, and then soothing me, then emergency, then soothing me (this is an exaggeration to make a point; again, I never really felt in any danger, but it was, indeed, fucking weird). “I thought . . . God was gentle or something. I thought it supposed to listen to me when I asked for something. Please . . . stop. It’s . . . not stopping. It’s not stopping.” I felt like I was being possessed, and if this was God or Pure Awareness, it didn’t give a fuck what I wanted, but it also wasn’t harsh or painful. It just kept showing me the present moment. Oscillating between sick/nauseous and heightened consciousness/head refreshed. “Am I being punished?” Nah, I’m not being punished. I don’t know what this is, but it’s not malevolent . . . but it doesn’t seem kind or gentle or sweet either. Every time my mind tried to imagine something, like a scenario, or asking my coworkers or family for help, the present moment would just replace my imagination, and it was like I was imagining the present moment, but then the present moment was just there in front of me, so there was no need (or ability) to imagine anything. The heightened consciousness kept slamming me (exaggeration for clarity) and slamming me back into the present moment, like a bully smashing my head against a wall. Of course, being slammed into the present moment doesn’t really hurt, but it was very persistent . . . almost obnoxious. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. Please help me. Please help me. Please stop. Just . . . stop.” I look at myself in the mirror and my head shakes again, and it’s like that scene in “Fight Club” where Brad Pitt gives his speech about the “all-seeing crap of the universe” and the screen starts shaking. So my head shakes and shakes, and I just look at my head in the mirror as it shakes, allowing it to look like that “Fight Club” scene. This happens a couple more times throughout the “trip.” I sit on the toilet. Lean sideways against the wall. I feel sick, and then I feel present. Oscillation. Continual oscillation. I feel weighted down on the toilet like you do when you’ve expelled a lot of vomit and diarrhea, and I feel empty (again, nothing actually came out). Everything was very real. Every thought I had was just pushed away by the present moment. “Memory . . . memory . . . .” My memory was very vague, and the present moment was the obnoxious answer to everything. “What am I supposed to do? What have I done? What the fuck is happening. I don’t know what’s happening.” My head shakes like a mini seizure or like Jabba the Hut or like a duck shaking off water. I make a sound with my lips like Jabba. Sometimes my breathing is shallow and then I take sudden inhalations—sudden gasps for air, like you do when you just wake up from a dream and shake your head a little. “3 or 4 hours. This thing will last only 4 hours. It’s going away. Just stop. It’s . . . stopping.” It wasn’t quite stopping, but it was fading a little. I was saying this more as a “spell” to cast this thing away. My arms flail occasionally. Like mini seizures, or when you just feel so sick and nauseous you have to move because you can’t stand being still. “Okay. I’m with you, man. I here for you, man. It’s okay if this lasts maybe 12 hours. A 12-hour trip? . . . Sure. 8:30pm . . . I started at 8:30pm. So . . . by 8:30 in the morning, if this thing hasn’t gone away, I’ll ask for help. Yeah. Okay.” Heightened consciousness slams me back into the present moment. Plans don’t last very long, but I do remember this plan since I said it out loud, and it feels good to have a vague plan. I lay on my bed. “Please help me. Please help me. Just go away. I get it. I get it. Just go away.” I am reminded of a time I was babysitting this kid named Nick. We were playing with Legos I think, and for some reason, I felt like whistling (I think it was “Summertime”). I was just whistling “Summertime” for a really really long time while we played with Legos, and eventually Nick asked me, “Could you stop whistling please?” And his tone showed he was pretty annoyed with me. That’s how I felt about this heightened consciousness. It was annoying me. “I get it. I get it.” I sort of felt a whining feeling as I said this, maybe like I was being lectured by someone, but the lecture didn’t resonate, and I just wanted them to shut up. “I get it. Go away. I get it. Please stop. Please *gasp* stop. Please help me. No one . . . is going to help me. No one . . . is going to help me.” I laugh a little. My face contorts as if to cry. A thought of Leonardo DiCaprio from “The Wolf of Wall Street” crawling on Quaaludes enters my mind, and I laugh a little. I lay in stillness on the side of my bed. “. . . No one . . . is going . . . to help me.” I feel rather peaceful, even though the words seem panicky. This is a foreign experience, and I’m not sure what’s going on, but I don’t feel in any real danger. Like waiting for a fever to pass, maybe? I don’t know . . . . I lay on my back, very still. I grab my blanket. “This is a good spot. This is perfect. This is good. This is good.” 12am-ish I fall asleep. Not deep sleep, I don’t think, but more like a shallow nap, but I was definitely more in the subconscious state than wakeful. During my shallow sleep, there were still those nauseous, anxious-yet-not-really-fearful qualities that were there during the trip, but again, it wasn’t as wakeful as during the trip. And I don’t really remember any dreams I might have had. 3:15 am-ish I wake up and realized the DMT has worn off. I don’t particularly feel like writing about it, so I just lay there and get dressed in a sweater and leg thermals because I do feel cold. Eventually, at about 3:50 am, I go to my laptop and start writing all this. 4am As I write all this, I get up and have my first bowel movement since maybe late the previous morning. Again, there was no vomit or bowel movements during the trip. Reflection: I don’t really know what the lesson was. That thing I said during the trip about “just be love” might be the lesson from this. That idea feels pretty good, I suppose, and it felt pretty good when I said it, but there wasn’t any deep resonation in my heart like a profound insight or anything. Or maybe it was just showing me how deep and real (and refreshingly obnoxious?) presence can be. I mean, it didn’t feel deep in a profound sense, only in the sense that it was lucid, and thinking was very difficult over the power of the presence. Or maybe the “somewhat benevolent bullying” was meant to reveal subtle levels of pride within me that I wasn’t previously aware of, and which I must now learn to surrender. And maybe I need to learn to develop true devotion, but I thought I had a certain degree of devotion already, but maybe this heightened consciousness revealed to me that my level of devotion is actually rather pathetic, and it’s actually tinged with pride and arrogance. Or perhaps this is meant to show me that I might be bullying myself in the way I approach self-inquiry, or jnana yoga, and that I need to infuse more self-love. So maybe I need to focus more on kriya and especially bhakti yoga. Self-love does seem to be a major theme for my life, so that could be it . . . . I’ve been practicing it plenty, but I could always deepen it. Or maybe it was showing me that I need to be more intense with my self-inquiry. Maybe I was a little reckless with this trip and should have prepared more by deeply establishing my intention throughout the previous week and keeping my mind a lot more calm than it was (it was fairly calm, but it could have been more calm). There was a slight feeling like the DMT was telling me that it wasn’t something to fuck around with or jump into quickly. The DMT (if it did, in fact, work properly and wasn’t faulty because of my extraction method) wasn’t quite punishing me or acting malevolent because there was a sense it was trying to show me something. So it was forgiving in that sense, I suppose. I’m not sure if it felt wise, though. It just was. What happened is what happened. But I was able to walk around and talk and stuff. I was barely able to do things because I felt tranquilized, but I could activate my will and focus, and then I was able to walk and do things. So maybe I didn’t take enough, because I feel like you’re not supposed to be able to move during a DMT trip. Maybe the DMT I extracted is faulty somehow, but it definitely isn’t a pure “dud.” It definitely has effects. I’m still not fearful of it, but I’m not necessarily eager to have that experience again. I suppose next time, if this same thing happens again, I won’t be afraid to take another 20 or maybe 40mg on top of the initial 40mg. I read that the safe dosage is 30 to 80mg. This was, overall, a “bad” trip I guess, but it wasn’t really all that bad. But that’s certainly the aftertaste. I don’t feel like I just experienced something blissful and wonderful, but it wasn’t terrifying or horrifying enough to make me turn away from experiencing it again. I really don’t think I reached that threshold breakthrough point, but I’m also not sure if my DMT extraction method is 100% perfect. My first trip, nothing happened, so that eliminated fear of DMT entirely. This was my second trip, and although it wasn’t blissful or divine, but rather weird and strange, it was still other-worldly enough and present/heightened consciousness enough to keep me intrigued and to want to explore more. I’m gonna have to extract more DMT, though. I’m also still not completely sure how much of the effects was the harmala, and how much was DMT. Maybe I’ll have to take harmala by itself to find out. This was a little weird, a little lame, and it almost feels like there’s nothing worth reporting, but it was other-worldly and strange enough that I’m convinced something legit was going on during this trip. I’ve never experienced anything like this before, and I’ll continue exploring . . . mindfully and with respect.

The real problems started when I got awakened to how much I was suffering after attending a meditation course. Haha. That’s when all this deep deep suffering began. Since then I’ve been clawing my way out slowly, and not without a massive fight. And I’m still not strong enough. Funnily enough, some of my most massive sufferings of late have been contrasted by huge feelings of bliss and happiness. Like, the work I’m doing is working, I’m catching glimpses of the light, but I’m still deep deep in the cave. I will look into the books you mention, I like the idea of running with my own kind of wolves, if I think I know what that means...follow my own path?