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HRV- Heart Rate Variability Breathing, will take you deep pretty quickly. You enter HRV when your in/out breath's are less than 6 breaths per minute(bpm). It's not hard. All you have to do is make the out breath slightly longer than the in breath. For example, breathe in fully for a count of 4, and breathe out for a count of 6. Make sure there are no pauses on the in and out breath. Keep the breath fluid. First sign,and good marker you are in HRV , is the hands will get "hot and heavy",another sign is tingling or slight numbness in the bottom lip. Also a "tingling" in the spine which is the dorsal vagal nerve. In fact, HRV is directly stimulating the dorsal vagal nerve.In Kriya yoga it is called the sushumna. As you continue over several minutes, and as a result of "entering the sushumna/DVN, "great bliss" or joy will manifest. As you continue more, the breath will become very subtle to the point of almost stopping. This has been called "the breathless state" or "the tranquil breath". At this point you're in a very deep state,but fully aware. You may also lose consciousness of the body as the senses have been drawn within and are no longer outward going. If you want more info,I would highly recommend checking out this program 4th Phase - Tranquil Breath. It was developed by a Kriya Yogi and I can verify he definitely knows what he's talking about. He teaches the basic HRV breathing on his YT channel, but the "Trainquil Breath" program goes more in depth and adds a couple of important practices not shown on the channel.

@Inliytened1 For me it's higher dose pyshcs haha true. But you never know, maybe if I lick my lips 10 times and spin around 10 times that might produce bliss too haha. I'm open to anything, i'm at the "just give me bliss and absolute happiness already" stage of the path,

@Haumea2018 Leo's descriptions are cool stories. But what he's pointing to is not. What he's pointing to is what happens when you contemplate. The answer you get after contemplation. Its contemplating deeper and deeper into the GodHead. Leo's assertion that some people are more awake then others is ridiculous and ego ce tric - true. Leo's drive to go deeper and deeper is not enlightenment - true. But Leo is not talking about cool stories. He's talking about revealations from contemplation. When Leo or anyone serious takes psychedelics, you take it to contemplate. Not to come up with cool stories. It is possible to paint a mystical experience with a certain projection, to give a mystical experience a story, a meaning, and a projection, but I don't think he's doing that here. Leo is aiming to quench his curiosity. And some teachers - like the Buddha - were into this. That's different to relieving suffering, embodying ever lasting peace, bliss and love, and integrating a non dual perspective into your life. You're not gonna do that with Leo's teachings. With Leo's teachings, you will be more aware of what God is. Leo and you guys are aiming for totally different things, and are on different planes. And your confusion is from taking your orientations and aims as absolute, without seeing they are different. There are different levels to how well you embody bliss, love and truth into your daily life. There are different levels to how conscious you become of what God is. What God truly is. Knowing yourself more and more deeply. This has nothing to do with enlightenment(sorry Leo it doesnt) and 'normal' teachers are aware of this - Jann Esmann talks about depth beyond self realization, and sadhguru talks about how kriya yoga is used for going beyond self realization. This is for the Selves that are curious. Not the selves that are not curious and are just after bliss, peace and love.

Being God means that you occupy the highest reality. You take responsibility for this universe and its course. Seeing this entire experience as one (time as one, this life as an endless paradox, dying into this life over and over again) puts you in the center of the highest reality, this present moment. That is why it is worth considering. It brings you to a point of maximum oneness and deep awakening. The present moment never ends or begins. It could very well be assumed that it in fact does begin where it ends! Here is a example of the thought process. Wow this definitely could be the truth. If this was the truth, and I am awakened now, what is stopping me from succeeding in life? I am totally accepting of the fact that this life may be the only experience. Of course it is the only experience. My entire personal experience of life may definitely be the thing that is one, and everything would tie into this. Even if it isn't, I am deciding to save myself for the express purpose of preventing avoidable suffering in the future. I know that suffering before this moment was only leading into knowing I must tread the path again to experience the bliss I do right now. In a way, I am experiencing the Nirvana of past lives and future lives, right now. I would love to know if there is anything more deep and profound than what I am telling you right now. Even if I give this idea up, I am still living it. This idea melds so easily with Being to the point that it is one and the same with the experience. Seeing that I am posting, replying to myself--alone in this topic--suits the purpose very well I suppose! This thread is an almost-contained paradox(give or take a couple replies) in which I further on this insane idea of reality for others to sit and judge. What could you expect? People to be open-minded? Hey Leo, Your audience is not open-minded enough! They could be discovering experiential insight into the repetition of this experience on micro and macro levels! Yes! Even if Reincarnation is true, Even if it isn't! You've found yourself totally accepting of being in any cause, in any situation, directly from the point of your life, right now! It's the only life that has ever been!

Having curiosity for understanding God, and being drawn to integrating a non dual perspective into every day life(living in bliss, peace and this sense of completeness and this sense of satisfaction and love and just basking in it, like basking in a pool on a hot day) are definitely 2 distinct drives. If you've got a drive for the latter, its actually possible to go beyond all of what you are drawn to, and go deeper. The question is, do you want to. Not saying Leo doesn't have whatever you wrote before, inflation or whatever. Its totally possible for someone to go deep into the former without the embodiment of the latter(which i guess would be a form of inflation). But its not like if you have a deep sense of curiosity and are drawn to going beyond that completeness and bliss that you're deluded. You're just different and expressing a different Self. This is how amazing This is.

@electroBeam Spot on. You put it perfectly. I myself resonate with Leo because my main passion is knowing reality, god, love, intelligence, etc. I look at the absolute state as a positive side-effect, because it will eventually dawn on you. And I like the idea of studying teachers across the board, which Leo actually suggests you do. Leo has often said this work is about more than just feeling good in your body, and living the rest of your life in some bliss state. And I agree with that, and id say that's where psychedelic use differs and can take one deeper than the standard teachings do. The teachings such as Spira, Ralston, etc, ultimately trying to make you realize your true nature, disidentifying with the false self. Psychedelics I believe will take one deeper into the structure of the machine of god, exploring god consciousness and not just basking in bliss. There also comes a time where one has to give up all "external sources" which is what Leo has been doing now recently. And what many of us who are on this path will have to do at one point. But none of us are as far as Leo has gone I'm sure. He got where he is precisely because he studied teachers of various sources. The teachers like Spira, Ralston, Sadhguru, etc, all still have their own way of teaching things. They are not completely rid of ego, else their teachings would all be exactly the same. Different cultural upbringings and worldviews play a big role. You can experience divine god consciousness from a stage yellow (teal), turquoise, indigo, violet, etc, thinking you've "made it" when in fact it's just a state from which you see your worldview. Integral Theory covers this very well. Reality is infinite after all, you can go on forever.

@fridjonk I want to separate his teachings from him because i dont know anything about him. His teaching's orientation is what makes it less integrative than Rupert's. His drive is to 'figure out' or contemplate deeply reality. Thats literally his teaching's focus(his teachings before i made this post because after making that post i stopped watching him). He has a very sharp, pointed focus on unravelling the 'how' consciousness works. And he unravels many fragmented aspects, from love, intelligence, bliss, Moo(nothingness), and there's a drive to figure it out. Its like this huge curiosity, single focus on 'figuring it out'. If you check out other teacher's teachings, they arent so limited, and subject themselves to just this single pointed focus of deep contemplation and 'figuring things out'. There's emphasis on how to live with what you've figured out in your day to day life: work, relationships, family problems. How to practice spirituality while living life. How to embody bliss, how to constantly Be peace(in contrast to what Leo does which is, fuck embodying peace, lets go figure out what the fuck Love is, quench ya curiosity). How to constantly be compassionate in times of covid. See the focus is much more on living with mystical insight in day to day life. And generally these sort of rupert spira teachings goes beyond Leo's drive to know more and more about consciousness, its either beyond it, or its just a different orientation. Just a different focus. Leo focuses on knowing more and more, others focus on living through all aspects of life: work, relationships, blissfully, from a different perspective. Could be wrong, but people like Charlie are conflating the 2. Leo has said in a blog post that he's not a zen master but an explorer, and he said on the forum he's passion is studying God, and he wants to do that for another million years. Its clearly a different focus. A lot of sadhguru's advice actually contradicts Leo's. Sadhguru constantly emphasises not taking the path too seriously, being to enthusiastic, and single pointed focus on the path, and taking the ideas of the path too seriously, and he always reminds his audience to treat both spirituality and mundane life equally. To live mundane life to the fullest. And forget spirituality for a while here and there. Leo's the exact opposite, constantly thrusting his audience into more and more hardcore spiritual practices. And he's getting more serious. This comes at a cost: a cost of forgetting to embody, forgetting spirituality is not special, and there's a beautiful life beyond psychedelics, contemplation and non dual ideas. To live a happy life, there needs to be at least some sort of satisfaction. You can't enjoy your life having a need to search deeper and deeper into the godhead. Thats why a balance between hard core Leo/Ralstone and softcore sadhguru is good. Like you've gotta ask why does Leo just want to know more and more and more? And aint ever satisfied? Because I've certainly been in states where i was completely satisfied and felt like just basking in it and living from that place. Because Leo's drive for more is in itself a particular state, not an absolute state.

No No you got it all wrong. You don't follow Leo for enlightenment, every lasting peace, or to integrate yourself better. You follow Leo to understand consciousness more deeply, or to be more conscious of what reality is. Thats different to Ramana style enlightenment. Ramana style enlightenment is all about integrating yourself better. Ramana style enlightenment is about being whole, being complete, living a life of peace, living a life of beauty, no suffering, integrating your human life with your awakening experiences. Leo will never ever do any of those things if he takes the path he does, and thats not what he wants to do. He specifically said he wants to study God as God for another million years(in a particular reply on here). That has nothing to do with integrating God, or answering how to be blissful and joyful, or how to embody God, or typical enlightenment stuff. Leo lacks integration - by design. Because he's too busy going deeper and deeper into what God is metaphysically. Leo lacks coming back to why enlightenment is valuable in the first place, and he's (not to project just explaining here) disconnected with the joy and bliss and peace and even love aspect in his teaching. And disconnected to the embodiment. He's not trying to do those things, hes trying to go deep. You dont follow Leo to get enlightened or to be blissful or to find what it means to be human, and how to live a good life(even though Leo once said he's channel is about living a good life) you follow him to more deeply understand God.

@Arzack - A breakthough IS pure Nirvana and bliss. But no words can describe it. It's also like pure heaven and pure hell at the same time... Because thats what God IS. It is everything... All rolled into one. But don't let the dark side freak you out, cause it's perfectly balanced by heaven, so to speak. When you come back... "The afterglow" stage, is like a full body cosmic orgasm. (As martin has referred to) . I have a more vulgar term, I like to say its like "being skull fucked by god" . Nothing touches that feeling. Nothing. It's the most amazing high you'll ever have. Hands down. And even then, it's still scary for the ego you to do again... Cause the ego just wants control of everything... And with MeO you are literally killing the ego self. So the ego doesn't exactly like that beforehand lol. I always get mega fear beforehand. And the longer I DON'T do it... The bigger that fear gets for whatever reason. Regardless, after I do it. I am more than happy I did For plugging, you have to clean your bum out. I always make sure I poo before hand THEN shower and clean out my bum with my fingers and soap. Otherwise your getting a diluted effect. Also, I'd highly suggest setting up a strong daily meditation practice beforehand. So you can allow yourself to fully let go.... I meditated for a hour every day for 30 days beforehand. And I'm over a year of daily one hour meditations now. Additionally, I read this entire thread (one hell of a long read lol) and did more research. Probably 30+ hours of research before going into it.... So I (kinda) knew what to expect, logistically speaking. But nothing can prepare you otherwise for the radical reality of the truth (the Godhead). But again... Fully worth it. 100%

@nowimhere Good job. Let us know if you ever breakthrough with plugging. Can I ask you how it was for you to breakthrough when smoking it? Is it intensely unpleasant during the first part of the trip? And does it switch to bliss/nirvana? Martin Ball says that most people need to smoke it 3-4 times to reach that (back to back consecutively in the same session), because the effect is too short lasting when smoked. I tried plugging a minimal amount to test it and I didn't like it, my ass was on fire and it made me poo, maybe Martin has a point when he advice smoking it, after all if you have the balls to smoke it once you can probably do it again. Otherwise my (planned) alternative is ingesting 6 tabs of 1p-LSD on an empty stomach (Chris Bache style).

One of Leo's videos that helped is called "Distraction the egos favorite defense mechanism" When I look back now after several Awakening experiences it's easily recognized how important it was to Calm the whirlpool of the Mind or Chronic pathological over thinking( monkey chatter) Traditional yogis believe that our souls are divine and therefore our true nature is a state of peace and bliss. But the whirls of consciousness that disturb our minds prevent us from experiencing our true nature. To reach the state of stillness—known as Samadhi—that allows us to experience the divine within us, we must reach the point where all the whirls of consciousness completely cease. A very straightforward translation of the sutra that defines yoga. Is quieting the mind through meditation. Yoga is the ability to direct the mind exclusively toward an object and sustain that direction without any distractions. But either way, whether the aim of your practice is to experience the divine bliss that is your true nature or simply to become more present and comfortable with uncertainty, quieting the mind is the path that will get you there.

For me, learning from suffering seemed to be the only way to help me grow and find wisdom. Understanding that I am the cause of all suffering I experience, provided the radical push I needed to free myself from old habits and ignorance. Life still brings hardship and bliss but now there is less resistance to what is and I come to life's table with a calm, loving mind and have a sense of inner joy that is always present in the background. Coming from this loving perspective my physical experiences have started to manifest more positively. I am careful, reflective with my thoughts and am excited for what life brings. Love.

I did 100ug of LSD last night and I have some questions about progressing on the path. I have a hard time crying, and I think the next part of the path for me is to learn to cry because I think it will lead to relief. During the trip I was able to cry a bit and that felt better, but I also realized how it was very hard for me to just relax and how hard it was to just feel good. I went through many suicidal thoughts because at certain points I just couldn't handle the emotional pain. I noticed that when I tried to stop and breathe it felt better, but I would also get nauseous and so I was stuck just basking in the misery without any relief. It was my worst trip to date, and i'm scared to trip again because if I do higher doses I might just kill myself, and I dont' want to die I want to live. I also spent time looking at myself in the mirror. I always had a complex about how I looked. I was very vain every since I was a kid, and I am definitely neurotically obsessed with how I look. I understand how I look is subjective because I've improved my self confidence about how I look in the past, but look at myself in the mirror was still crazy. My eyes got all weird, my eyes changed color, I noticed my face and body would literally change and I would see multiple eyes on myself it was crazy. I was scared at one point that the person in the mirror would just start talking to me and I didn't know how to handle. I feared the terror and horror that would come from that kind of hallucination but it didn't happen. Has anyone faced this kind of intense of emotional pain and come out the other side happy? I feel like the point of spirituality, psychidelics, etc is to just feel good and be happy. That's what i'm looking for on the trips is well being and pure happiness. I also feel a strong urge to vomit on my recent trips and I wonder if that's related to anything? I know my diet is terrible so that's the number one culprit. I'm really going to make an effort to clean up my diet and stop poisoning myself moving forward. I've had LSD trips where I felt misery, but there was also a break through into bliss. But this time I got stuck at misery. Will a higher dose be better for me now that I am used to doing 100ug trips? I've tripped about 5 + times in my life now, ranging from microdoses to about 150ug doses.

Personally I'd really focus on diet, start running or yoga if you don't have a good solid exercise routine or habit. The point of spirituality is to go directly in the direction of feeling good, which paradoxically means confronting a lot of illusions that don't feel good. You'll notice stuff bubbling up and getting really bad, then being resolved and released to bliss, lots of back and forth on the path. If you want to feel good in the exclusion of feeling bad, it only beckons the boogeyman you don't want to face so you'll stop resisting him. That's likely what your trip showed you. Change your mindset to one that's more like an author writing an epic story or play, rather than the mindset of the character itself or even the reader. Good writers know that a great villain makes the hero. They also know that neither, in fact actually exists outside of their own imagination.

What practices do you do that produce good feeling? I'm trying to cultivate feelings of joy, bliss, appreciation, gratitude etc but i'm having trouble. I find simple meditation on the feeling of being me isn't enough to get me bliss and joy, are there are specific meditation practices that can generate these high tier feelings? Any other thoughts on how to feel better?

@korbes Move over my friend, I think we're sitting in the same boat. I too feel like I am currently stuck in a very weird purgatory where I constantly shift between fleeting moments of peace and bliss on the one hand and an almost apocalyptic sense of dread & despair on the other, and I have no clue where all of this is going to lead me. Obviously I don't have any brilliant insights to offer since I am practically drowning in a sea of cluelessness with hardly any land in sight; but it can be helpful to know that you're not alone.

Of course could be wrong, but your ideas of enlightenment are not real. They are monsters under your bed. I personally, with resistance by many on this forum, would go so fa as to say enlightenment IS not real, but imaginary. You're getting all fussed up about an imaginary story of this thing called enlightenment. Im sure you feel something strong, and you feel there will be a radical revealing of reality that will shake the stream of consciousness, but the projections, labels of what this feeling means, and will do to you are fucking you up because they are not real. Follow your bliss.

@Gnosis Thank you and likewise. Might be Knowing the unconditional within, via solid & lasting direct experience, but finding some resistance in knowing the unconditional as the fabric of reality, or the ‘without’ (the world, and your life unfolding ‘in’ it). Another way to say that might be, unconditional & pure at heart, but still ‘physical reality’ ‘real life stuff’ in perception & knowledge. I recall a stage of ‘being done’ on the path, which was just before ‘returning to the relative’. I didn’t want that honeymoon to end. At all. Very reluctant. I wanted life on pause forever, though I knew ‘two worlds needed to collide’ sooner or later. In letting go, the body did start flushing out what felt like a ‘bones level’ of emptying, followed by a deeply beautiful series of purifications. Prior to that though, there was recognition of spiritual ego...of the intelligence facet of the unconditional feeling so good, it’d just bliss out the body in love & infinite intelligence, then go straight to my head, followed by my foot in my mouth. I found the continuation of the expansion of the unconditional, a true infinitude of “the path”, in living it. Putting it first, above all. Uncompromising. A much deeper purification ensued. Intuitive sensitivity went through the rough, often being a bit too much and exhausting the body. Going ‘over capacity’ in terms of visceral love. Honestly the depth of purification was shocking. In that ’returning to the relative’, I believe you know what I mean when I say I was basically ‘forced‘ to bring all attention & mind space back to my life. There were thoughts like, “well, parties over I guess. I’m gonna lose it, but whatever. I’ll do a retreat soon”. And I just, surrendered everything. “Jesus take the wheel” lol. Done. It didn’t take long at all for what I’ll just call ‘creation consciousness’ & ‘cosmic consciousness’ to settle in to the ‘space’ purification cleaned out. It was and is better than experience had ever been by far. In hindsight - what did I even think I was giving up? It was just that I was holding apart life. “Pressure”, “responsibility”, “finances”, etc. I was so sneaky, I had divided existence from experience right under my own nose, and I did not really want to see that I had done so. But all that deeper purification came because I did look and see, because I “got real” with the unconditional in living. Then I was dumbfounded by a single insight - “Oooohhhh! Ok. “Dreamboard”. Eleven dry erase boards, and a 40 ft chalk paint wall for years - with a single insight I saw them for the very first time for what they were. Saw what I’d been up to in the most wonderful way, again, right under my own nose. It was like someone pulled a dam out of the way, and everything I’d written on them began to pour into my life. Perhaps the single greatest epiphany in that stage was how everything I’d ever experienced, made perfect sense with everything I wanted in life now. Just seeing it coming together on the board did it. I saw everything in my life, home & family, work, hobby, interests - I saw it all as one big perfect unfolding - which (and I mean this unconditionally) simply didn’t matter at all. It was that “inner kriya”, that “choice”, to let the ‘meta’ & ‘the spiritual’ of the past go. The experiences, the knowledge, the character, the trips & insights, the retreats, every last atom of every last memory of it all. I just let it all go for nothing. And now everything is nothing, and nothing is everything. TLDR: Order a dry erase board. Through expression of your entirely relative, and perfectly unique preferences & wanting, the absolute desire of creation flows through you, and everything in your life that is, rather magically recontextualizes itself. (It’s been flowing all along.) You will change, and your life will change, and that can seem scary...but the punchline is alway unconditional. Relentlessly, infallible & unconditional. It’s Good to get your hands dirty in life creation. Source has no problem washing ya clean again and again. @electroBeam What’a you just stay up all night spreading The Message? Shouldn’t you be sleeping. ?

I ate 3 grams of Penis Envy Mushrooms (Lemon Tek). I had the deepest awakening of my life. Here are my notes (converted from voice recordings). This was my fourth awakening (One sober, one on Aya, two on Mushrooms.) I had another awakening on mushrooms like 10 days ago which was deeply profound, but this most recent trip blows that one out of the water. Looking forward to going deeper in the near future. Hope you enjoy I realized that I just keep forgetting over and over again that I'm not in control. God is the unstoppable force and anything other than total surrender to it is insanity. Ego is basically resistance and therefore, by this logic, insanity. Identity is like a struggle against the river of surrender to God. The fear of psychedelics because of losing control is irrational because we lose control completely every single night in our dreams. Also, we specifically face our deepest subconscious fears in our dreams and we experience our dreams as if they are reality because we are not conscious that they are just dreams. That also connects to how our waking fears are irrational but we're not conscious enough to realize that our identity and therefore, all fear is an illusion. God is constantly morphing and changing. There's no way it can be conceptualized because it's absolutely everything. It's so total. It's the fabric of everything. There is nothing more fundamental. This whole identity that I take so seriously is so fucking laughable, it's just a joke. My ego identity is just as true as anything. Everything is true and false simultaneously, but I hold my identity as so important, but it's not who I am. I am so much more. Telling people that reality is an illusion is a nearly guaranteed way to make people demonize you and discredit you because it threatens their sense of reality and their ego. Telling people that they don't exist is pretty much the last thing they're willing to accept. Even though I see all of these amazing visuals, I am still aware that this is not exclusively God because anything that you point to is not it. It's everything. Everything I say is still missing the point. There is no point, lol. But the point I'm trying to make is that everything I am asking and searching for when it comes to God and Truth, I AM IT. Just be it and surrender to it. It doesn't get any deeper than that. Nothing could ever be closer or further away from God than anything else. No matter how far you run from God, you're still in the exact same place. You're still God. You cannot run away from it. You just are. There's nothing contradicting about using logic and rationality and being conscious of the divinity simultaneously. I became aware of a demon I've been fighting my whole life about there not being enough time. This is so silly because time is something I invented. I have infinite time. One of the most fundamental differences between normal waking consciousness and my mushroom trip is that with normal consciousness, I am clinging to my identity and therefore unconsciously defending it, as I must in order to perpetuate the illusion. Basically everything I say is just a projection to defend my ego. I realized that I was unconsciously trying to attain a higher level of consciousness or an ego-death experience. Then, I realized that it cannot be attained this way. I just have to realize that I already am it (God). All descriptions of God are completely delusional, including my own. Everything basically boils down to infinite delusion. This creates a strange loop of everything being delusional and everything being true simultaneously. Falsehood and delusion are identical to reality. It's all the same thing. This entire psychedelic experience cannot be grasped or remembered accurately because it is so complex, deep, and constantly changing. This is why a trip cannot be well explained or conceptualized. No symbol could communicate or represent the experience with a high degree of accuracy. This trip has such a strong theme of me trying to figure out what God is and what I am. It also has a deep undertone of me trying to control. It's more accurate to say I'm a human dream than a human being. The tricky part is, what is the "I". It seems to be continually morphing, like it's not steady, like it's not real. Yet there is one steady presence. There's no fundamental difference between my rational mind and my intuitive mind. It's all part of the same source. It's all part of the same dream. Surrender is not what I thought it was. I used to hold this idea that surrender means to be at ease with what is going on in this moment. It's like there's multiple layers or dimensions to what's happening. Let's say, for example, I feel anxious about talking to a woman. On one dimension, I'm doing it; the words are coming out. On another dimension you’re thinking; all of these anxious thoughts flowing through your mind. I also might be thinking that surrender would be the experience of talking to this girl without anxious thoughts. But what I realized is that there's no winning that game. There are always infinite dimensions and factors at play. Total surrender means accepting all of it exactly as it is. Surrender is realizing there is no surrender. It all just is exactly how it is. It was like I transcended the duality of surrender and non-surrender and discovered Surrender. It was like accepting the Isness totally, including all resistance. I surrendered to the resistance, and in a paradoxical way, resistance no longer existed. This insight is specifically hard to explain but this was a massive insight for me with an enormous energetic release. It was like a metaphysical orgasm. My cat was deeply concerned about me lol. I also had new deeper insights into divine feminine and masculine. I no longer understand these forces as just certain parts of the One but as an all-encompassing duality. Masculine is the primary being or isness of God. It's about owning what you are by being it. It shows up in people through confidence and courage. Counter-intuitively, the most attractive thing possible is to completely own who I am, knowing that all I have to do is be who I am, and yet the feminine will always be attracted to Me. There will always be the other half to love Me and to help Me accept what I am. Feminine is the acceptance, love, and reaction to the Masculine. Of course, these are not absolutely True. This is only a relative truth. In Truth, these forces are one. My deepest fear both as a human and as my God-self is of what I am. My deepest fear is accepting Myself and all of my infinite beauty. If anyone could be selfless enough to be totally honest as a spiritual teacher, they would be one of the greatest teaches in the world, or maybe they would just come off as completely insane. Or both. A great spiritual teacher must find balance by grounding his message in truth and authenticity and also present it in a way that will be understood by considering the psychology of his audience. All of my egoic concerns, questions, worries, and anxieties, all seem so fucking petty and delusional. The deeper I can accept Being, the more peace and bliss there is. I'm in the middle of a massive fucking Awakening. How do I describe this? It's so fundamental. It transcends all human knowledge! I shed so much fucking delusion. But, I'm as thick in the delusion as when I began! There's nothing but delusion! It's all made up. It's all imaginary. Infinite delusion: that's what reality is! Everything I'm saying right now is completely fucking delusional. Of Course! Self-acceptance is the theme of this trip. I'm not talking about my human self. The human self is so fucking petty compared to my actual infinite Self. 3-D reality is challenging but it is not punishment. It's actually a gift. A lot of what we're doing is this metaphysical dance of grasping and clinging to reality, purging delusions, and clinging to new delusions. This reality is something to be cherished. It's so beautiful. Remember to be grateful for it. "Physical reality" gives us stability. It's something to be grounded in. This "3-D Matrix reality" gives us the experience of having a stable, tangible reality that allows for amazing experiences that would not otherwise be possible. There is no difference between fantasy and reality, or between true and untrue. Clearly, a fundamental shift happened I this trip where I stopped thinking of me as a human and started thing of Me as in God. The claim that everything is a delusion seems fake when you're grounded in physical reality until you realize that the "real" beliefs that you are grounded in are also delusional. One way to sum up this awakening is the realization that reality is completely fucking magic. It's completely bonkers, amazing, grand, and unthinkable. People just don't realize it because they're too caught up in delusions of survival. Survival is delusional because the self everyone is trying to preserve doesn't exist. This problem is so tricky, it's godly. This awakening was so incredibly deep, but it had nothing to do with learning any new facts. It was just a deeper realization of what I am. Any time I feel tension arise and I try to argue with someone, I am most definitely wrong. This statement is also delusional.

This can be a challenging thing to face, since fear triggers maximum resistance to observing. If I am feeling blissful laying on a beach in Belize, there is very little resistance of being now. Since I'm blissful, I don't want to change my conditions - I like the conditions of Now. So it is much easier to relax the mind and ask "who or what is experiencing bliss?". It would be lovely to lay on the beach feeling blissful and contemplate the nature of bliss. . . .Sign me up! Yet it is a very different scenario if I am chained up in a dungeon and a man enters with knives and a bottle of Hydrochloric Acid. Here the mind and body is flooded with fear. The is an intense desire to change one's conditions. The mind and body will strongly resist observing the fear and contemplating "who or what is experiencing fear?". When the mind and body is not directly experiencing fear, it is much easier to contemplate fear - yet there is a limitation. The tendency is for the mind to create all sorts of thought theories about fear. This can have some practical value, yet it will be at a surface level - unless it is coupled to extra-ordinary imagination - which most beings lack. One can practice to develop this skill or psychedelics can breakthrough this barrier. For example, I recently watched prisoners describe their experience in solitary confinement. At the start of the video, I didn't feel any fear or discomfort. I let my mind and body relax and allow space. What is "real" vs "imagined" began to dissolve. With time, intense fear arose to the point of insanity and panic. . . There were very energetic dynamics at play in which we could roughly describe in two categories. There was identification to the fear and panic. There was a sense that "I" was experiencing fear and panic. There was a strong desire to stop the video and do something else. As well, there was a "meta awareness" observing the fear and panic. To this awareness, it is not something to avoid. Through this observation, deep insights may arise - yet it's challenging to do because it's the last thing the mind and body wants to do. It is much easier to observe bliss when one is blissful because it's the first thing the mind and body wants to do.

I'm hoping for a materialist death. My body breaks down into its constituent atoms, which are then scattered back into the cosmos from where it came. Bliss. I think the reality will be very different however, more like existence will go POOF! And feel sorry for the rest of you in advance. But maybe, just maybe I'll get immortality - whichever "I" that would be.

It takes every ounce of self control in me to NOT write a wall of text in his comment section. Ignorance isn't bliss

I feel this. I've experienced this deeply myself. I think this is what quite a few people on this path go through. I wish you the best no matter which path you chose to take to solve this. Know that I for one unconditionally love you for who you are . Right?! Trying to rationalize these insights always takes my mind for a ride. also, about the whole sexual compulsion thing. Have you ever tried looking into tantra or cultivating the energy? An example would be channeling your sexual energy through visualization, body movement and clenching of the PC muscle to move your Creative energy(sexual energy) to different parts of your body. Heart chakra to experience bliss and ecstasy or third eye for creative insights into your work. I've been informed by some spiritual practitioners on how once they started this they were able to use this energy to actualize their dreams, such as writing books with this energy or creating communities that help benefit mindkind through the use of this energy. P.S seems like some people use all that to have better sex too. So if your into that then have fun

I haven't journaled in a little while. notes: 1) I woke up today with so much love in my heart. I still feel the beauty of the now. I love life so much. I love how I'm able to wake up in so much love. I've figured out that if I just sit there for a few minutes I can tap into so much love. 2) I'm noticing addictions to distractions. T.V, talking to people, video games. When I started actualized.org I let go of my addictions to T.V and video games. I would only ever watch anything if I went to someone's house because that's what most people do or visit my brother. Last week for the first time in a while, I started playing video games for fun. The first time was really joyful, but the fullfillment soon left me. Now I feel strong disires to play. Im seeing how when I drop one addiction that distracts me from the now another one pops up. When I went through my awakening I dropped all addictions for a few weeks. Man, I was the most aware I have ever been. I would often go from extreme bliss to extreme suffering. awareness doesn't = happiness. meditation: 20 min I have changed my meditation to do nothing and I've had great success. Really getting great results.

These are a couple comments I've transferred from a thread about attachment to desire where someone made some good points. Desire is a wonderful thing. But attachment to desire is something else altogether. Attachment to anything is conditioned and dependent. I would have to say either you are or aren't mired by dependent habitual conditioned energies. But mostly it is a matter of gravity and degree. In terms of the most basic necessity, observing the disease of the mind entails suffering. This is an habitual relationship not with the world, but with oneself. It is neurosis. This neurosis is a mental crutch. This is dependency one must acknowledge and cut away from one's life. Keying one's attention to externals without being sidetracked, without abandoning oneself to craving, one learns to deliberately manage following the heart's desire without stepping over the line. The most subtle veils of delusion are of your own making and must be swept away until there is nothing left of your habits. When you don't crave, personal issues of self and other turn into a matter of mutual response because now the situation becomes the context. Sure, no one else knows that— but when you do, you are not at issue with conditions, and you don't get swept away by emotional craving or selfish psychological patterns. So when others seek to manipulate or cling psychologically or emotionally, you detach from their issue, not the situation. The situation may very well go on, but you don’t perpetuate issues relative to self and other and right or wrong. This is itself an expression of compassion, even should it be ruthless. Who can start and end here without further deliberations? Not sidetracked by externals in this regard, one follows the heart's desire without stepping over the line. It is a most curious affair, because, in terms of clarity, you do not go along with the world's momentum— but then you find that the world must have you without exceptions. It is relentless. This is where (the buddhist image of) Mara comes into play. She is relentless. She never goes away …only temporarily recedes from time to time. Even sudden enlightenment only severs the compulsion to follow conditions; stopping without rejecting is always in your power, so harmonizing enlightenment does not depend on the sudden. Whereas creation is fecund— endless manifestations material and mental; enlightening activity is endless transformations according to the time without unknowingly changing along with creation’s phantasmagoria. You have the power to choose going along or not, whereas the norm is going along with Change unawares. As it so often happens, something comes in from left field and one's flow is obstructed, and one naturally stops. Ordinarily, one’s psychological momentum, characteristic of insistence, might seek to push through obstacles— or even assign self-reifying definitions without benefit of objective knowledge. That is stepping over the line— merely seeking definitions relative to self and other is entertaining intellectualism, which perpetuates habit-energies fueling the personality’s psychological momentum bound to creation. Should one admit objective impersonal analysis, the only measure is mutual accord in reality. Beyond the fact that creation is already oneself without beginning, being the partial aspect in the real meaning of unity, mutual accord is the affair of subtle response carried out by virtue of the nature of reality. Working with potential is possible because it is inherent in situations themselves. Admitting objective analysis is really just immediate impersonal knowledge. As one gradually stops using the selfish perspective relative to self and other, the immediate objective knowledge of potential relative to situations gradually becomes apparent. This is mentioned further on as the Dharma Eye. Seeing potential actualizes immediate acquiescence, or virtuous accord in reality, also known as nonresistance or the virtue of the receptive. Just different names to express the arising of enlightening potential. To the degree one follows the heart's desire within unknowing (innocence, that is— not ignorance or cunning rationales), situations are naturally self-refining. This is all made possible because effective self-refinement enables immediate acquiescence. By selfless mutual accord, conditioned situational gravities stop; it's not that you have to stop outside of stopping. It's a matter of seeing reality. Real seeing is spontaneous transcendent seeing. It comes about by not exercising the personality's psychological apparatus habitually. In terms of physics, it is simply an absence of momentum, so one is not carried over into arbitrary action and one stays within the response-body. Enlightening being is the innate quality of subtle response, which is to affirm that sudden realization is not a necessary consideration in terms of expressing effective enlightened qualities. Why? Enlightening being is the quality of being so— it's self-refining, and is therefore selfless action in the world, Using the world's situations for self-refinement, instead of self-gratification, one begins to see reality— not that self-refinement and self-gratification are mutually exclusive, because they’re not. Reality is inconceivable; good or bad is not the criteria of enlightening being(s). This is the means to develop authentic practice. Wielding potential without thoughts of good or bad, enlightening activity is open and sincere unminding response in meeting the created energy of ordinary events. Sudden enlightenment is just waking up to the fact that the light shines (or not) as creation radiates the causeless. The light is like spontaneous enlightening activity adapting to conditions by one who is awake to the activation of innate spiritual function. Subtle spiritual response is natural because Creation and Nonorigination are not different. I've noticed a certain reluctance and trepidation in some to personally own up to the term enlightening. At the risk of appearing glib, I only mention it because people need to know that sudden and gradual are two rails on the same track. They are one continuum. Don't be misled by the analogy of the two rails. The light is one substance and so are its inconceivable functions. It’s like Blues and Country (being music) are Rock&Roll. It’s the Mystery Train and no one knows why. Getting back to momentum, or even further— back to some good points someone made regarding "now." The exquisite realm of now is effortlessness, whereas the perpetually creative realm is beginningless arbitrary ideas arising out of nowhere to upset the weak balance and harmony of those clinging to personal conditions: that's karmically bound evolution. Creative evolution is Karmic. Self refinement is the long process of ridding the aware being of clinging bias and inclination to arbitrary psychological stimulus whereby one’s autonomy in the midst of worldly situations is gradually stabilized. Enlightening being is not a matter of insularity, it is unity coming from within differentiation. Creation evolves by virtue of its conditioned potential. After a long time of gradual practice, seeing reality is recognized as such, but one still loses this again and again when seduced by phenomena. Unbending intent is single-minded determination to avoid following externals unawares. Beginners use renunciatory discipline or precepts; adepts plunge fully into delusion, without differentiating. In practice, one develops discipline first (symbolized by the 3rd I Ching hexagram, Difficulty), then deflects externals (symbolized by the 4th hexagram, Darkness or Innocence). First stopping conditioned stimulus; then seeing situational potential void of one's self-reflective psychological patterning. Stopping is not static and seeing is not relative to the person. Stopping sees the relative (movement), whereas seeing is just awake without bias or inclination. Secure in one's dedication to now, presence is basically being ultimately natural, without hangups. From this vantage, it is easy to see momentum (or conditioned potential) in situations. That's why I say either one is or isn't attached to kinetic (karmic) momentum. One only sees the real by virtue of stillness; conditioned energy is its mass times momentum squared. Not that it matters~ what matters is that in seeing the real from within the false, one gradually enters the inconceivable. One uses delusion to enter reality. This is possible because enlightenment is not different than karma. Enlightening being sees this. Spiritual illuminates match creation by its inherent potential and use it to partner with creation according to the time. Partners of creation do not go along with its karmic evolution, while ever gathering its potential. That's why some have been known to "ascend to heaven in broad daylight." Jesus isn't the only one by a long shot. In many respects, desire is complete in and of itself. Attention is mutual, in terms of self and other in the sense that one necessarily attracts when another is attracted. That much doesn't require deliberation. In terms of application, desire and bliss are coeval. The timing depends of their arising (or their arousal). The point is, it's mutual. This is the direct relationship we have right now within the heart of nonorigination. Relative to the essence of the creative, enlightenment isn't different. When one follows desire with openness and sincerity presently, without anticipatory momentum, one is activating the tao in reality without intermediary. This is enlightening being, but don’t expect the world to cooperate, so don't mention it. If it did, adapting enlightenment to conditions wouldn't be exceptional, and buddhas becoming people wouldn't be a secret— even though it has always come and gone without saying. This is because selfless movement doesn't have mass, only potential, therefore it can't be said to be still or moving. Subtle adaption is like that. The inconceivability just is without any body knowing better or being the wiser. Since it's already your own mind right now, immediate acquiescence is like taking over creation and stealing its potential. Poof. The ancient taoist alchemical classics all tell us to refine the self and await the time. They also say neither rushing ahead nor lagging behind, like a cat watching a mouse-hole, ever vigilant, ever careful not to miss the timing: when the celestial time arrives, human energy is responsive. It's not a matter of helping the tao, it is just in an ever-ready equipoise in mutual respond to situations fearlessly, honestly and without cupidity. Obviously, the timing arises in the situational context. The whole point of this kind of subtle intensity is to follow the breath of creation, which waxes and wanes in intimate accord with the celestial design. Only enlightening beings see this. This is an affair of transcendent living whereby one has no mind in going along with creation which is literally neither here nor there. One clings neither to the falsity of the conditioned matrix nor to the reality of the mystery, because they are not different. It is just as is and no one knows why. The ancients have left this teaching for those who have the affinity to follow in their footsteps to carry out the open secret, and go on …beyond. In the final analysis, the benefit is this: taoism calls it stealing potential. Such is that the spiritually aware potential energy that makes manifestation possible can be gathered by any individual not going along with the karmic matrix of creation. This gathering of potential is real, yet one doesn't actually gather anything. It goes back to following the heart's desire within unknowing: innocence following the heart's desire naturally steps over no line. It is all a matter of seeing. One last thing… it is like the story of the monkeys who do not want 3 nuts in the morning and 4 nuts at night. So the monkey feeder says, "Ok, I'll give you 4 in the morning and 3 at night"— at this the monkeys are very pleased. One doesn’t seek to please because that’s the monkeys’ business. First of all, you adapt to the situation selflessly and respond impersonally to give the universe its arbitrary causeless requirement in each situation as it arises. It is not a matter of logic, but of strategy. Secondly, one uses the current situation as a means to master the 3rd and 4th hexagrams in order to transcend the conditional aspect (without anybody knowing). Since you don't speculate on the conditional manifestation, you naturally cull its essential potential and seal it away void of intellectualism. You see, the way of the world is to get it all backwards— and keep it that way! So the way of all prior illuminates is to foment subtle audacious reversal within the course of creation in order to take it over and steal its potential (back) unbeknownst to anyone. Actually, it is a matter of freeing unrefined potential from its conditioned matrix simply by seeing reality as it really is, as it is. In terms of alchemy, those of you who know the I Ching, know that the 3rd hexagram Difficulty is done before, i.e., in the morning. This is advancing the yang fire. This is effort. This is following desires. This is entering the tiger's lair. The 4th hexagram Innocence should be done after. This is withdrawing the fire when the killing energy of the yin convergence first arises, in order to gather potential and seal it within innocence void of intellectualism. This is non-doing. This is only a possibility by virtue of following real desire without stepping over the line, so to not act on arbitrary ideas relative to the personality. Just the not-doing of intellectual activity is itself stealing potential. Having done so is gathering the medicines of the spiritual elixir. Guard this in the wordless. Spiritual release is spontaneous awakening. Having directly divulged the secret, who can put it to use? ed note: add "without rejecting" in 5th paragraph; put a little in the middle; put "acting on arbitrary ideas" in parentheses in last paragraph