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I don't even recall what I said in that episode. I shoot and write down so many insights they are impossible to remember logically. Everything gets integrated into my mind, but I can't necessarily recall it in an instant on demand. Yes, I'm sure many more things could be added to that list. All my lists are just tips of the iceberg usually. I could make those lists 100 items long, but the videos are long enough already. Always. All my advice is to my current self, past self, or future self. I am not above you guys. What you see in the videos is just my thought process, which is always evolving. Every video I shoot becomes outdated the very next day for me, because just by shooting it and reading your guys comments, I already discover my errors and ignorance on the subject, deepening and refining my prior insights. We shall see how things unfold. I am just a vehicle of infinite intelligence. I will do what it beckons me to do. Sure, if that helps you feel warm and fuzzy After enlightenment your genitals wither away Currently my morning routine is nothing fancy. I'll probably improve it in the future and post a video about it. Psychedelics & contemplation. Of course it's a good idea. You will go super-deep. It's really the only way one should trip. And my "meditate" I simply mean: sit and observe without moving. No techniques. Just be conscious and fully alert without distractions. I listen to and read everything under the sun, from nonduality to evolutionary theory to brain science to cosmology. I have dozens of favorite teachers, but I am loyal to none of them. I'm sort of a nonduality slut Not very deeply. I don't see the point of getting deep into the scriptures and such. That would be a distraction. A general understanding is good enough for our purposes here. You can easily waste years studying that stuff without actually becoming conscious of what is being talked about. Yes, I would like to do a dark room retreat at some point. Hard to find the time. I have done float tank once. I didn't find it helpful. In the time it takes me to drive there and shower, I can already be tripping balls at home. Noises and sensations are not something that bothers me in meditation. They are all good things to meditate upon. If anything, I find the float tank to be a distraction because of the weird sensation of being in this foreign capsule of salty water. I don't see the point of it. Yes, I do want to travel to India at some point.

"To construct a metaphysics about the fundamental nature of reality- demands... a kind of disciplined introspection that critically assesses... the elements observed, the observer, the process of observation, and the interplay between the three in a holistic manner." - Bernardo Kastrup I hope all here are well and having a good day :). The following is a contemplation I wrote out in my journal, based on the above quote. I consider it quite good, and worthy of sharing (my life purpose entails being like Leo and sharing these ideas, I am now understanding ;). *Keep in mind, all the following insights were provoked by a single sentence in a book of over 200 pages! That, my friends, is a testament to how incredibly dense- singularity like- this "thing" called reality is!! What does it mean that reality must be understood through "disciplined introspection"? the cultural beliefs which are pervading are not going to cut it, reality is too weird to not map out very carefully How can I understand "the elements observed"? Mindfulness, first and foremost. study, study, study: human behavior, social psychology, masculine/feminine dynamics, brain science, physics, emotions, psychedelics, the astral world, paranormal phenomena and psychic abilities, all traditions of nonduality you come across, weird animals and plants, indigenous cultures, astronomy and cosmology, quantum stuff... do, do, do: immerse yourself in other cultures through genuine (non-touristy) travel; "when in Rome" fucking immerse yourself in the culture, without getting deluded. cut through the socially accepted bullshit and start asking other people what they want from life, what their mission is. Learn how to astral project and lucid dream. Take psychedelics in a shamanic sense; entertain the possibility that there are literal spiritual entities out there which interact with human beings (without getting deluded, of course;). Go to parties and nightclubs and stay sober, and take mental notes which you then write down, on human behavior when the higher brain is disabled by alcohol. Have a sampling of different friends with different preferences, and develop a genuine interest in them, seeking understanding of their perspective. Take a course in software engineering (you'll be dumbfucked at the insane complexity of the most taken-for-granted thing ever-modern microchip technology).... How can I understand the "interplay between the three" in a holistic manner? study,study,study: SYSTEMS THINKING (this will give you, not necessarily the facts, but the skills to understand the mind-body in a tangible way.) materialism, naive realism, and the alternatives to such ("open up the gates" so as to be open to a greater understanding). Also, study everything which you "do," in the next section. do,do,do: YOGA (literally "union"). Law of attraction and manisfestsion. Take those astral projection experiences you know how to induce and fucking confirm them through empirical science and corroboration, and while you're at it, learn to do telekinesis and move shit with your mind. WORK OUT AND HAVE SEX!!! The more gnarly (yet tender, in the case of sex☺️), the better. Art, poetry, dance, music, theatre. Life purpose! Eat healthy! And most important of all, deserving its own paragraph... Emotional Mastery. Emotional stability and mastery is literally the bedrock, the cornerstone, of EVERYTHING: self-actualization, self-realization. I want to direct you to a quote by Sadhguru. Too many people have been deluded by neo-advaita "already enlightened" talk into believing they can just abandon their humanity, even if it's in super lame conditon, and go directly to the Absolute. This quote is the antidote. On his Enlightenment, he has said, "What was happening was indescribable; I was fully conscious and aware, but what I had considered myself to be until that moment had disappeared. I had always been peaceful and happy; that had never been an issue. But here I was, drenched with a completely new kind of blissfulness. I was overflowing with an exuberance I had never known or imagined possible.” did you catch the critical piece of that quote?? "...I had always been peaceful and happy; that had never been an issue..." Ahem... EMOTIONAL MASTERY. (coming from one of the most enlightened beings on this planet;). Well, there it is. As you can see, I only addressed half of Kastrup's insights, and I didn't go into the ramifications of his insights, but this post is already veeery long so. Simply, this is what I consider a good contemplation, and I don't particularly know what value you will glean out of it; perhaps if you don't know how to contemplate this will help. Truly, it's just something I felt compelled to share. Love& Peace, William

Haha, nice try. But you've only scratched the surface of things bud. Keep contemplating. Inner/outer is a duality. All dualities are illusory. I have a very firm grasp of the relative vs absolute. I speak of many relative truths. But from the absolute perspective, realtive/absolute is also an illusory duality. You have yet to fathom the degree to which the mind contructs reality. One day, you may discover that it does so totally. You are misunderstanding Ken Wilber. Him and I are not in disagreement. He is just making a different point. What I am talking about isn't Green or Yellow or even Terquoise. It is his ultimate stage: Clear, Absolute, Nondual. At this level, Spiral Dynamics completely breaks down. All of existence collapses. There is only infinity. Wilber's quadrants are relative conceptual distinctions which ultimately all collapse. Don't take his quadrants as some ultimate metaphysics. There are no quadrants within consciousness. That is just a handy conceptual tool for talking about what we call "ordinary phyiscal reality". Wilber wrote a book called No Boundary. You have yet to understand what "no boundary" actually means. It's fucking unbelievable. The physical universe does not actually exist. But it is convenient to speak of it as-though it did, because most people have never experienced nonduality.

@supremeyingyang actually no. I have some people to talk to about certain aspects of self-development / actualization, but I don’t have anyone to talk to about stuff like nonduality and enlightenment. I tried, like you to talk about it. And everytime I do it I regret it, as some concepts and experiences sound really absurd to a person who hasn’t experienced something like that. I even sometimes think I come off as crazy, seeing how people look at me. But I am not a hundred percent successful still. I’ve seen that sometimes it reaches out and some of my friends have told me a few days after, stuff like “I’ve been thinking about what you said” but I’ve never actually had someone take this thing seriously. I guess I’d rather not talk about it, especially at work because some people will never get it, label you as weirdo and make it hard for you to focus on your work, both jobwise and developmentwise. about things like quitting smoking, meditating, eating clean... these are all just too superficial, and subjective. You can chitchat about them but don’t try to make people change their behavior. Accept them as they are, or you will suffer. I never talk about this stuff anymore. These are just ideas about practical life, and can be disproved. Don’t waste your energy on these ideas, there are lots of low consciousness people talking about this every day. Carry your work next level.

Contemplate why you're so bothered about it. What do you fear there? Nonduality makes you MORE effective at life, not less. Watch out for such simplistic and wrong assumptions. Life is a bittersweet thing. It's not meant to be 100% sweet. Watch and see. Don't really have one. I do not fawn over celebrities or any authority figures much. Couple of years ago. Yes, enjoy it. Never, nor would I want to be. He clearly had some spiritual attainments. But nothing special about him over any other human being. Every human being is equally God. I liked smoked salmon. I like self-inquiry most. We're all basically racists. It's just hardwired into us. The ego's job is to be self-biased. I am highly introverted and I do get nervous in social interactions sometimes. Pick up helped me overcome a lot of that. But what helps the most is enlightenment experiences. Over the last year, with various enlightenment experiences, it's getting harder and harder to care what people think, or that people even exist. I'm not looking for a coaching lesson. I am happy with the trajectory of my life. I'm into letting it evolve organically. 1) It varies. I experiment with my diet a lot. Every quarter it tends to be different. 2) Probably, I don't really worry about them too much. My focus is on understanding reality, not states. I don't have any fixed schedule. I usually listen to an audio book for 30 minutes every morning while I shower. I tend to read organically. It depends on what I'm in the mood for and what great new book I find. I just pick a book which I'm most curious about at the time. Not all of them. I take fewer supplements now. Not for a while. And maybe never. I am letting things unfold more organically. I'm not gonna force it. If my heart doesn't want to create it, I will not push it. Glad you learned that lesson I have managed a sort of middle way. Not to say that I will never abandon it, but for now I have been able to get massive consciousness growth in the last year while still running Actualized None Yes, but I decided that's not aligned with my life purpose. My purpose is to be generate my own insights. Well, I have changed careers many times before starting Actualized. I would never quit personal development. If anything, I would quit Actualized in order to deepen my pursuit of personal development. Ironically, running Actualized holds back my own development. I would easily have been enlightened by now if I didn't invest so much time in Actualized. I rarely get lonely. For me, reality is just too amazing to be lonely. I would be happy if I was the only person alive in the world. In fact, even more happy. Get more in touch with reality/being and your life purpose, and you will never be lonely again. No! Wheat is evil. It's not possible to quantify. There are of course daily frustrations. But my connection to reality is pretty amazing. You start to feel a bit like a Jedi attuned to The Force which nobody else sees. I can see the infinite beauty of everything more and more. See above answer. Yes, it feels like there is a higher intelligence at work in every facet of reality. Both have helped a lot. Spirituality is starting to transform the very fabric of reality for me. The solid physical world is dissolving into a infinite sublime hallucination. Every problem in life simply dissolves into irrelevance, including death. I don't worry about that at all. I just let my mind organically interconnect everything, and it does so almost effortlessly. My problem is not getting distracted by tangents, but seeing too many deep interconnections. The interconnections are quite literally infinite. So it's hard to keep track of them all for sharing purposes. Yes I used to in the past. Not any more. Sometimes I just self-inquiry while playing trippy music. More fun that way sometimes. Mundane life distractions I don't make a big deal about images of enlightenment, so they don't bother me. I know what I'm after and I know what must be done to get it. It's as simple as that. Yes, I have chronic pain sometimes. There is no magic solution. You try to find way to fix it as much as possible, but in the end if nothing fixes it, you just carry on with your life purpose as best as you can. You have no alternative anyway. I don't worry about retaining information. All the information you really need you will remember. Don't worry about remembering trivial stuff. There's no ideal order to read it. It's gonna depend on where you're at in life and what issues you're tackling. Try to read the top-rated books about consciousness. They are the most important. But you might not be read for them yet. There are many. I tend to distribute my sources very well, so that dozens of the best teachers can influence me. I don't like sticking with any one teacher because all their teachings are partial and incomplete.

Leo has introduced me to and helped me to appreciate some of the most absolutely profound and lesser known self-help concepts (things like radical open mindnedness, skepticism, epistemology, belief systems, nonduality and enlightenment, etc etc), and yet there's a more obvious, well known self-help subject I've barely heard him mention: exercise / physical activity. People tend to have superficial motivations for working out, but besides those benefits there are the mental, mood enhancing effects (i.e. the effects on consciousness). I tend to notice that after a long walk, or even a more vigorous exercise, I can go deeper in my meditation, and am just all around happier, more confident, higher energy etc. Most self-help gurus tout exercise as one of the most absolutely crucial activities to integrate into your life, and from personal experience it has an immensely beneficial impact on my mood and well being. That being said, it can deplete some energy that might otherwise be used for life purpose or things of that nature (for example after a heavy weight lifting session I just want to lay back on the recliner feast and watch tv). And one source of mine claims that most folks really don't need much more than a light walk daily (the book "Perfect Health Diet" makes this claim... tbf this is the exception and almost everyone else says we should try to be quite physically active). Basically, I would just be very interested to hear Leo's take on this. I believe I recall in one of his videos he talked about how he used to go to the gym but stopped to focus on other things more. But whay about walking, stretching, yoga, etc? And how do these things lead to higher consciousness? Maybe touch on the connection between mind and body, etc etc.

A) Change is hard for everyone, regardless. B) You're misusing a very advanced teaching which you do not have any direct experience of. As far as you're concerned, you have free will because you're still playing the game of controlling life, and you don't even have an idea of what no-self means. You just took on a silly belief. That is not no-self, and that is not no-free-will. You actually believe you are in control of life, so stop pretending otherwise. If you ever truly discover what no-free-will means, that will be the happiest day of your life. Until then, do the more ordinary self-help -type work and learn how to function in society. You are trying to fly before you've learned crawl. You need a few years of just very ordinary self-help before you start barking up the tree of nonduality. If you're worried about your Autism, start buying books about it and doing your research. There have been hundreds of books written about every disorder known to man, especially Autism. Study people who have successfully overcome it. Practice what they did. C) Many people feel self-conscious, including myself. That is not necessarily Autism. Be careful with lumping all your issues under one label. Unless you've been doing personal development for a decade or more, you will have all sorts of emotional, neurotic issues -- everyone does. That's where the work begins. D) Everyone's mind is tricky. Don't paint yourself out to be some unique hard case. Most of the stuff you've described is totally normal human neurosis which can be overcome with years of personal development work. E) Stop comparing yourself to others so much. Most people who you think are "happy" and "normal" are anything but. Judging people by outward appearances is extremely deceiving. Focus on doing the inner work: exploring your own psyche, exploring what is reality. Don't treat this like a prison sentence. Personal development is supposed to be interesting and exciting. We are talking about you designing your own life, and then living it. What could be cooler than that?

Understanding nonduality is one thing ? I understand your statements from that point view but you can not talk to everyday people like that , unless they are specifically wanting to understand nonduality. Every conversation does not have to be a extensional dialog to convert everyone to nonduality. Nonduality is just one facet of reality. Explore More Learn more. Move forward How about move on to the next thing awareness of the present moment without thought. Or you could try to understand perception and how it colors our experiences. See nonduality is not about separating yourself or putting yourself higher in any regard it is about the fundamental unity and connection of all things namely oneness. Qualitative arguments on what things are defined as are really missing the point. That is for you and your inner work. But you have to be careful you do not fall into the trap of definition though language. Work on awareness in the present moment.

@SirVladimir You can't lay on the nonduality lectures on a wounded, grieving ego. In a situation like that, you apply compassion, then you bring up nonduality LATER, once he's not emotional. The whole point of an emotional reaction is that the mind is resisting reality. So of course at that moment the last thing it wants to hear is a nonduality lecture. That's like talking calculus at a mule.

By doing self-inquiry, contemplation, studying nonduality, and tripping consistently. Yes, I also meant normal human state. Infinity is independent of state and independent of being human. Self-inquiry is the key. Ya'll keep avoiding it. That's the whole problem here. If you actually did it, you wouldn't need me or this forum or anyone else. But you hate doing self-inquiry, so here we are. Actualized.org is just babysitting for kids who refuse to do self-inquiry

Your mind wants black and white. Your mind wants good and evil. You mind wants to praise good and despise evil. Reality does not give a Fuck what your mind wants. This realization is rather simple when it comes down to it. Nonduality is about unity and oneness of all dichotomy's but how do you resolve evil vs good. In fact there is no evil or good without each other they drive each other and when you get right down to it they are the same force. Just like the old saying you can not have a argument with out two people. You can not have a one sided reality. Look at good and evil as two independent forces not unlike two people in a argument each wants their own way but Neither will get anything unless they comprise. It is the outcome that is important part not the two sides of a argument. Good and evil are in fact the same force one is just turned inside out. I will put it another way. You have a coin. On one side you have heads on the other you have tails but both can not be separated they are both part of the same coin even though they are opposites they are unified as one, tied together for all eternity. They are both the same universal force. Good and evil are heads and tails of the same coin. Where this concept gets challenging is when you are slighted by someones actions that are entirely wrong. Their is a struggle you feel angry and you want them to pay for the injustice of what they did to you. You start thinking negative thoughts , evil thoughts you want retribution. You want them to hurt like they hurt you. Reality is a measure of all things just as humans are and if you do not understand that you can never truly be unified and whole. Your ego wants you to take things personalty and take a side and say I am better I am good when in reality everyone has the capacity for great evil. It is usually a matter of how far are you pushed before you brake and flip and think evil thoughts. People also have a capacity for great good if given the right opportunity and surrounded by the right people. When you find you are taking things personalty realize. What you are doing. You are separating yourself from others isolating yourself so your selfish ego can indulge in being hurt and then strike out. This is the definition of duality and evil. Truly exceptional people preform a type of alchemy where they transform negative events into positive spiritual progress. That is the end goal to see though all the myriad forms of causality and see the conclusion without taking sides because there is no side to take in the first place. That is the best I can do to I hope it helps

I'm no expert and this is prolly enlightenment 101. . . The default setting for my mind is that enlightenment is a "thing", an "it", an "event", a "destination", a "process". My glimpses into nonduality is "it" just "is" - it's all and nothing of that (and this is coming from someone who for 20 years of my search hated when people talked liked that). As well, in my glimpses into nonduality - there is no "one" and "the same". Everything just "IS". There is "ISness" - I can't detach from it or escape from it - yet I can lose my awareness of it. When I am in a mindset attached to definitions, I'm generally in a low state of awareness. When I am chasing girls on Tinder, I am generally in a low state of awareness - this activity is also "IS" - the same "IS" as meditating at Machu Picchu, yet the chances of being that awareness of ISness is much lower when chasing girls on Tinder. For me, I have a higher chance by "getting struck" by awareness when I am not conceptualizing, attached to thought or distracted. Generally when I read or watch spiritual teachings, my mind is in "learning mode" with thought, concepts, curiosity etc. It's the teachings that break through that and stop me that are effective. For example, during Leo's latest video, I was watching very pensively. All of a sudden, he became very animated - waving his hands and saying with emotion something like "This is actual!! Right here!!! Me, doing this!! NOW, NOW!! THIS!!. . . ". It broke me out of my thinking and I had a glimpse. As well, Richard Spira relaxes my mind and gently guides me to a space where I might get struck by awareness. A few weeks ago, I was walking along a trail in nature and a big piece of fruit fell right in front of me. THUD!!" A glimpse. . . Another time a squirrel jumped on a log and started chattering loudly at me. A glimpse. . . And of course there are psychedelics. . .

Last Saturday, I went on a date. I arrived at her house and we sat on her couch chatting for about 20min (before heading out to a Halloween party). I experienced a mild feeling of discomfort. There was a touch of first date jitters and much of the conversation involved learning about "who we are". In addition to the uncertainty of a first date, she was the first woman of an ethnicity that I have dated. I've felt this type of uneasiness in other types of situations. I lived in South America for two months last summer and immersed myself deeply into latin-american culture - several times I experienced a sense of feeling out of place and uncomfortable. Yet, these spaces are good for me because they can reveal old beliefs as being bullshit, break down barriers and open my mind for expansion and deeper connection with others. I told her that I was at the edge of my comfort zone, yet it was good because that is where I grow. She asked if "this was ok", motioning to the two of us. I said yes, and reinforced that this is a good place that I seek to experience. She was pretty much like "cool" and off we went. We went out to a couple Halloween parties and then back to her place. I'm not a "player" and have no "game". I just tried to let go, just be and allow events to happen. During conversation, my mindset included being curious and intrigued, having opinions and wanting to tell stories. (I generally feel comfortable in my head). There seemed to be some rich areas of conversation. We have some overlap, yet much of our experience is different. I'm curious how her experience has shaped her. As well, there were aspects of a cultural vibe that was unique to that which I have been exposed to most of my life. I found that very appealing. It was similar to what I experience in South America, yet another flavor. During conversation and physical moments, I didn't experience a strong sense of separation, it was generally at a basal level. Over the last year, I've noticed my separate sense of self has been reduced and at times I have felt "one" with my environment. For me, this seems much more likely solo in nature than during social interactions. Language and conversation are inherently dualistic. That's fine and I like that perspective and experience. . . Yet, there were physical moments we shared where the dualism seemed low. There wasn't a strong sense of "me" and "her". There seemed to be a shared energy that just flowed and moved and I didn't have a sense of where I stopped and she began. Those moments were discontinuous "glimpses" since thoughts and talking arose intermittently. I've only had a few glimpses into nonduality over the last five months. I can't explain it, yet it seems in the same realm as what others along the path have conveyed. Sometimes this path has moments of "oneness". Yet ironically, there are also moments of "aloneness". Could these both be of the same consciousness? Similar to how "It" is both nothing and everything?

@0ne With psychedelics, you have to go slow, gradual, and steady, sometimes taking months to integrate a trip before going back for another drink from the well of nonduality. If you just blast yourself with it, that's going to be traumatic, and it won't grow you properly. The process leading up to enlightenment is just as important as the enlightenment itself. That process is necessary to prepare the mind to surrender. If it take years for some people, that's sometimes because that's what they needed. Of course other times they were just dragging their feet. The problem with psychedelics is that you can easily shortcut this ramp-up, which sounds good on paper, but in practice it leaves you unprepared to handle the Truth when it reveals itself to you.

That was what they call a samadhi experience. A merger. Very common to lose your first glimpse like that. That's just the tip of the iceberg. It goes waaaay deeper. You got a good introduction to nonduality. Now the real work begins. First glimpses tend to be easy

@Space All that stuff is helping. Sometimes you gotta clear out emotions before you can dig into the existential questioning. The psychedelics will def help you with self-inquiry if you keep exploring them prudently. You've only scratched the surface of them. Any kind of retreats are good. I find meditation helps with self-inquiry, and vice versa. Of course a week-long 24/7 self-inquiry retreat would super-charge your practice, and likely get you a glimpse of nonduality. 1 weekly retreat is worth like 365 days of practice.

@smd You have no idea what you're missing. You're speaking about nonduality or 5-MeO as if it's a fad diet or a new TV show. It's not easy, but nothing life-transforming will be easy. "Looking into Zen" isn't Zen. Sit down and start doing some serious self-inquiry and go do some serious meditation retreats. If you ever try 5-MeO you will realize it is the single most important human discovery in history.

@Mathew Pav thank you for posting this. It feels great being able to relate to someone on such a unique experience. Man I love trip reports. The veil is really something man. What. A. Trip. Right? I had almost the word for word same breakthrough just a few months ago. The clarity on the One that I am, and the person / reality through the veil. I used to see the veil as something on the human, now it’s clear (for now lol) the veil is on God, imposed voluntarily by God, allowing / creating the experience of the human, which of course is God, or The One, and not seperate from the human. Last weekend, I went on a trip again, and the veil slipped off like taking off a pair of sunglasses. Like nothing. Effortless. But then I had a new experience. My previous experiences were basically, everything is One, then everything is dual of the One, which is actually me and non-dual. But this new experience was that what is, is, and there are no words or thoughts for it. Nothing to be said. Nothing to be thought upon it. It is. I get something I didn’t get. The ‘why people don’t talk about it’. It’s because there’s nothing to say. It is. It just is. There’s this factor of all this that I want to ask you if you can relate to or have any thoughts on.... It’s been a few days since the last ‘unveil’, which I’ve experienced a good number of times. But the ‘back in normal reality’ right now, is a new experience. I feel that (and who knows if there’s any “accuracy” at all in my experience) the veil isn’t there, yet at the same time, here I am. Maybe I just accepted the veil? I don’t know. It’s like, where did all the little emotions about everything go? Or, as if the micro judgements that I wasn’t so aware of are not there anymore. There is everything and nothing at the same time. Anyways, thanks again for sharing Mathew! Love you brother! Side story, two ufo’s hovered about me last Thursday night (while driving. Completely sober) then the same two hovered above me Saturday night. That could really sound crazy. It is crazy. But, it’s true. Nonduality is a hell of a drug in it’self. ❤️

A bold claim, I know. The truly important information is contained in the first hour; watch at least that much all at once.

@Psyche_92 from the nonduality perspective, there is no we or us. Thinking is illusion. Reality can never be manipulated because it is absolute. Thinking we manipulate ‘reality’ is part of the illusion. What you’re calling ‘reality’ is the illusion. What you really are is absolute.

@Wes Thoughts No, I think your brain may just be less vulnerable to psychedelics. Which means you require higher dosages. 250ug of AL-LAD for me is full-blown nonduality, can barely walk or think straight. Deep deep stuff. Or maybe your stuff is weak. Maybe they told you it was 150ug when really it is 50ug?

I've been doing deep meditation and contemplation work for a while now, and a couple of months ago some weird shit started to happen. Parts of my body would tense on their own, seeing bright colours etc. but this is nothing super out of the ordinary for people who do consciousness work. The past week my meditation has gone to a completely new level for me, seeing strange visions, both horrific and beautiful and i'm getting some conscious understanding of nonduality. I've also been having very vivid dreams at night. Last night though, my reality got flipped on it's head completely. I had an hour of kundalini yoga earlier in the day and I sat down to do an hour of meditation. I immediately went deep and being present to the moment was effortless and my mind seemed to just melt away. Then I started seeing some vivid images of faces, grotesque looking creatures, demonic looking entities, and beautiful creatures too. Some time passed and then I saw to creatures that I could only described as fairies and they were building me wings. Normally my mind would be going 'what the fuck' but I was in complete awe and was at a level of consciousness where everything made sense. I started to feel a spinning above my head and came to realize that it was a halo. I was being told that I was divine. (note I have never been a religious person in my life, or believed in anything supernatural before). After I finished meditating I was on a meditative high and was a bit blown away. However, this is where the seriously weird shit happened. About 20 minutes after my meditation I started to get the uncontrollable muscle tensions in my body. This only happened in meditation before. They slowly started getting stronger and stronger and were happening all over my body, my arm would tense up and move on it's own, my jaw would clench and move around etc. my whole body was just doing whatever the fuck it wanted and I had no control. Then I started masturbating, but it felt like someone else was doing it because I has such small control over my own body. My body or whatever was controlling my body intuitively knew what to do, and even put my finger up my asshole, something I have never done before and usually would absolutely not do. (Sorry for the explicit detail, but all of this really happened to me and I want to be completely honest about it, I hope you aren't eating whilst reading this lol). My body was still moving on it's own after this and I became very warn out, like all the energy was being sucked out of me. I tried to sleep but couldn't my body felt so strange and my whole understanding of the reality wasn't the same and I don't think ever will be again. As of writing this it's the following day and i'm extremely worn out physically. My consciousness is not the same and everything looks different to me now, I am not panicking but I am bewildered by this experience. After research it sounds like a Kundalini awakening , but if anyone has any information, insight or has had a similar experience then I would love to know what you think of all this, I don't think I will ever be the same again.

@Brimstone Thanks. After about 25 years of personal development, I’ve recently had some glimpses into. . . I don’t know what to call it. . . Yet listening to Leo, Rupert Spira and Ananta Kranti speak of nonduality, I’m like “yea, ir’s kinda like that.” That kind of talk used to drive me crazy. I’d think “Just explain it in plain English!”. Now, relating to people feels odd. There’s like a familiar dual perspective with language. Then, this nondual whatever. So many things seem important and meaningful from my dual perspective, yet there is a singularity from nondual perspective. It’s almost like flipping between two different languages. Or, English and some alien sixth sense of just being like everything else, without thought or talk. It feels awkward at times.

My job allows me to take a month off each winter and two months each summer. I'm considering using that time for solid consciousness work. I have a career that I find rewarding and it comfortably pays the bills. I'm curious to what extent full-time communities, such as ashrams, are necessary or helpful. I've had a few glimpses into nonduality (mostly with psychedelics, yet a couple sober as well). One recurring message is that "IT" is right here, right now. That I don't need to travel thousands of miles to India in search of anything, because right now I am zero miles away from "IT". The sense feels like "truth". Yet then I read about people going to ashrams and monasteries and think perhaps some are a good idea.

@Wes Thoughts You have to be smart here. Of course 2 solid months of personal development or consciousness work would be a huge boost. If you did it seriously, you might even get a glimpse or two of nonduality. But then what? You go back to working at McDonald's in your half-enlightened state with hardly enough money to pay your next bill? Going for broke is a bad idea. You don't want to paint yourself into a corner. It would be smarter to figure out a more sustainable solution. For example, many Zen monasteries charge a low initiation fee for living with them for a whole year. So if did that, you could buy yourself a whole year of practice. Or you could hatch a plan to save up more money so you have more time later and you don't go broke. If you are SERIOUS about pursuing enlightenment full-time, there are plenty of ways to do it. Society does have avenues created specifically for such people. That's what monks and yogis do. There are entire communities designed for that, and they don't require you to be a millionaire. But they do take serious commitment. So the most important first step is to clearly decide how serious you are and what you really want to do for the next few years. If you have no good career prospects, pursuing enlightenment full-time for a few years might be a really good option. But it must be done seriously.