Search the Community

Hi guys, I'm grateful that I've found this community. Hopefully you can help me by getting a different point of view on my situation. Let's jump right in: I feel fucked from life and I'm seeking help in this forum. I don't really know what exactly my problem is but I'll describe it as accurate as possible without going too much into detail. However it is necessary for me to go a little bit deeper than usual in forums so I go by example of Leo's videos and don't make it up too long and yet deep enough to cover all important information so you can help or share your similar experiences precisely. If you want to help please do so by reading my story carefully since it took some time for me to bring all this in order. Also please be direct and share every little bit of advice you can give, but don't just write: "you need to meditate more". Short version: Quarter life crisis; have no life purpose which affects every area of my life negatively. Long version: Let's start by telling that I never really knew what I was going to do in my life. I just followed what my mom told me to do, so I went to school and roughly two years ago I passed the a-level-exams (there you get a certificate to enter a university here in Germany). During my last two years of school I met a great friend who gave me a book to read which transformed the way I live (Eckart Tolle - The Power of Now). For the first time in my life I consciously shut off the mind and enjoyed what it was like to just be. After school I tried tons of different ways to fulfill my need for a profound, purposeful life. For instance work experience in different areas, university, traveling in Europe and South America, a lot of reading and some private projects with family and friends at home. Remembering the time during these projects I often felt fulfilled and satisfied with myself and the situation itself, but in between when there was nothing to do for me and when I was just looking for the next thing to try, I often felt lonely, depressed and as if there was a hole in the midst of my body which is constantly draining energy from myself to keep me a little victim/spectator of life. In addition to that there were a few other experiences worth mentioning here. Due to my sexual desperation (got my first girlfriend at 18, broke up at 20 mostly because of sexual inactivity; didn't have any hots for her left) I tried NoFap. After 150 days or so without fapping/watching porn I strongly felt disconnected to myself and my sexuality so I became interested in audiofiles and what I call "sex with ghosts" which I stopped again for the reason that I want to feel some boy-girl intimacy again. Furthermore I already had a few enlightened experiences on Magic Mushrooms and a very special one on Ayahuasca. Lastly I'd like to mention that especially during the last 3 months I sometimes blindly followed universal signs which brought me in a bad money situation where I successfully lost a big part of my savings. Not to say all of this is bad, on the other hand I really am grateful for the experiences I made up to now and I'm sure all of this will be with the benefit of hindsight. So how is the situation right now? I'm 22 years old ,1500€ left, still living at my mothers house, spending my days self-actualizing as far as possible without lots of energy left and trying to motivate myself to find a job to restore my savings. From the outside it probably doesn't even look so bad. I've got a nice morning routine (exercising, meditation 30 minutes, cold showering, each 6-7 days a week), playing the piano every now and then, taking care of my nutrition as far as possible, reading/actualizing on self help stuff, walking or cycling in nature almost daily etc. But on the inside it looks worse. I just force myself to do all this because I know if I even would stop meditating or exercising I couldn't even look myself in the eyes anymore because there's nothing left at all to do for me. Often in the evenings when I'm lying in my bed my body is tired of all this walking and exercising but my mind still fully awake because deep inside of me there's so much energy left which makes it hard to fall asleep sometimes. I just know and feel that my potential is limitless and not used to capacity at all which probably is one reason for the depressed state of mind at the moment. Often during walks in the forest I discover how the filter in my awareness shifts from negative to positive and suddenly the world looks promising and positive again. I even become more clear-headed and some ideas pop up what I could do next but as soon as I'm at home again starting to look for a job for instance, the mind kicks in again telling me why the fuck should I do this job if I have way more potential and this is not good for me because of that blablabla. When talking about family I sometimes when I'm in good mood can talk and laugh with them a lot but on the other hand sometimes I can't even look them in the eyes and don't want to say a single word when eating together e.g. Same with friends, when there's something to do, I'm the first one who wants to help and work all day but when it's about coming together as a group and chill and relax it usually doesn't take more than a hour until I want to leave which proceeds so far that I don't even want to meet some of them anymore (yes I know sometimes it's necessary to cut off unhealthy relationships but don't I need any form of balance like new friends first so my social skills won't freeze even more than now?) Lastly here's the tip of the iceberg: The first time in my entire life there are minor suicidal thoughts popping up in my head even though as I write this I wouldn't even consider killing myself as an option (Is this my mind tricking me?). I'd rather work myself dead before consciously thinking about suicide. I just know that I'm bigger than any problem in life and that it's just a question of time when I'll feel more fulfilled and happy again but I just need some help to do so. But that's not how it has to be: All of my experiences so far gave a kind of outline how my life could be. I do have goals in life and yes, I do have a lot of dreams. Just for example I want to master the piano, become a veterinarian specialist for all sorts of cats, have successful relationships with my surrounding partners (family/friends/future girlfriend), become evolved in competitive e-sports and master another passion of mine like snowboarding and on top of that I want to become more and more self-actualized to find my true authentic self. So what's the problem? I have goals and if I would think about it for a minute I could even set myself a step by step guide how to reach all of my goals in during the next 10 years. Let's take the competitive e-sport for an example. I just cannot sit there playing my favorite game without thinking that there's fucking more important stuff to do than playing for 12 hours, I can do that when I'm financially free but not now when I'm struggling with my life. Bad example because playing video games it chimpdump like Leo calls it, right? So let's take the vet thing. I started learning about all the different type of cats in the world but even there I think that when I move to Berlin in 6 months to start university again that I don't want to live in some kind of chicken house eating ramen all day so please work for your financial freedom first. If I continue anyway to play the game or to learn, the depressed feeling slowly starts to come back and I go out for a walk in the forest to rethink this whole thing again. I was thinking about taking the life purpose course but somehow my gut feeling tells me to that I should rather work my way through Leo's free stuff first (like becoming successful at everything) before considering buying the course. And furthermore I want to bring my life in order again at first so I have more mental capacity left to do the course in a more authentic way (are these just excuses of the mind so I can continue to feel like a "victim" in life?). Possible next steps: I'm free so I could force myself to find a job that I could do until October so at least I've some money reserves again. Or I could even move to Berlin right now, leave all of my old life and friends behind me and find a job over there. Or I could say fuck all this and take the course to restructure everything. I just don't know. As you can see I'm very confused which is probably normal for a guy at my age but I feel a bit overwhelmed with all the possibilities considering my background and my goals. Furthermore the regularly depressed feeling makes it harder and harder to make strong decisions and stick to them. Thank you already so much for reading all this. If you need any further information to help me precisely please feel free to ask anything you want to know. If you have some similar story you want to share but you don't want to make it public please feel free to contact me via PM. Edit: Got a call today while meditating. Got a job which I can do until university start, and furthermore I'm thinking about getting a second job to be busy during the week. Any replies are still appreciated

From my understanding, if you end the body with a mind that's still filled with rejection/attachment/fear, that's what you'll be faced with, and if letting go of it all will be too hard then (which I can imagine, after suicide especially), you'll be given a new life through workout the growth process.

I was deluded, I get it. But his excuse was really centered around "awakening". He tortures himself, writes this and commits suicide later: His excuse for doing the things he did was so convincing to himself that he asserted that's the truth and we all should know it. God fucking damn @aurum! You just had me, you get my biggest imaginary upvote. @pluto, this was beautiful. That quote spoke to me. Of fucking course @blazed. I can't deny that I created this post for selfish purposes. In case this does actually lead to a change, I could say I was the one who started it. Of course. I am an ego but this was - and is - the most authentic thing for me to do in this situation. You fail to understand something here. You say I create unnecessary suffering for myself - and for others. You try to show that talking about @vanish is useless and won't bring any good solely through reason. The resistance will always be there until it is released and authenticity is the source of all spiritual purification. I made people show their opinions and feelings (the latter most people here can handle). I manifested my life purpose in this very thread. The understanding that humans are rational or emotional creatures goes full circle. If you first try to calm down a person purely through reason and see it not working, you intuit that humans are emotional. But when you try to understand the root of the emotional problem, you see that it's rational.

Not sure why we needed a thread about it on top of his original thread. On average there is supposed to be 120 deaths by suicide per day on US alone. Then there is all the other kinds of brutal and unfair deaths. The importance of this person is only because you had some attention diverted towards him on this forum. The ego constructed a story/scenario and now the ego is fighting/debating about it about how sad it is and how reality should be all rainbows and sunshine. It's all in the mind. If he wanted to die and went through with it he manifested what his mind wanted at that moment. There's no point labelling it as good or bad. you feeling bad about it isn't going to change anything for him but it will make you unnecessarily feel worse. No one here is responsible for anything, and shouldn't feel guilt. Yes we all suffer when a loved one dies but it is all in the mind, the logical thinking and memory's and inability to accept change and let go of a person who was always bound to an ending. None of Leo's teachings points to physical death, only ego death or spiritual enlightenment, but one who seeks suicide will find what he ultimately seeks.

I dont know this person in real life, we have been communicating daily for a little over a year now over tumblr. The person is nice and we have alot of stuff in common (since we talk alot) but i notice they anger me a little bit too much to be friends. Basically this person is a heavy "past lives" believer and constantly is trying to reassure me that weve met before in multiple past lives. (Which i call bs). once they said they need to clear up their karma and said "im sorry ive abused you in the past life, im sorry i had more power over you.." and i do t know if this is just me being close minded but i think wtf? Then when i start getting pissed off they just say "its ok one day you will see what i mean" and whenever we thought of the same subject in a day, for example suicide in cults, they immediately point out how this is not a coincidence. Also they are from a south american country that they hate, so whenever i mention the word "brazil" or simply allude to that place they start attacking me "how could you, you know i have trauma from that word" etc. Last point is we were talking about religions, and he is a huge believer in witchcraft. He was talking about "low magic"-like spells, divination vs "high-order"magic like rituals i guess? And how the goal of both types is the same thing, the result of a spell or whatever. I then asked why does high order magic then go through all that extra hard work to achieve same thing as a low magic and then he said "wow i cant believe you said something so amateur" Is this person trying to manipulate me (i think the metaphysical ppl like to call them energetic vampires) or am i super close minded? Ive blocked them twice before but then i feel bad and start talking to said person again.

thats interesting.I had a forced nirvana enlightenment experience.I was in paradise...i saw the truth the love the freedom.But after two years i was fucked i was ready to suicide.So much pain in my heart.Is it attacks or is it just the + and - in life?

Once you transcend your consciousness into nirvana but not enlightened yet (not in kingdom of god state) your consciousness lose your body's protection and you are target for all kinds of vital forces that can make you to commit suicide. Buddha had many attacks of such kind just before his awakening under Bodhi tree. Second thing is the way he reached transcendental consciousness or witness state - ice bath and month in darkness and starvation - what the fak? Such techniques will drive anyone to insanity, people try to get fast results and eventually do wrong things, spiritual path has to do with energy and energetic mechanisms should be understood but he used brute force- God knows what happened to him but if it ended up badly then well he will probably reincarnate and start everything again, God is all forgiving.

That's really sad.But you know...at this point you feel nobody understands you.Suicide is a part in human nature.I believe he tried it.I also believe parents are responsible for that, in every circumstance a young individual commits suicide the parents are responsible.I believe parents are responsible for your 'normal' suffering too.Fuck people that become parents without real self development.In the forum there is so much pain...this is what forces us to change, if we were 'happy' we would not try.The only thing that matters is to stay alive.Its ok to feel pain to become sick but everything can be reversed if you are alive.If you trully believe you can change the situation everything is possible.I wish nobody feel the destructive pain of suicide.Pain can be destructive for the body or for the ego(which is the opossite)

To say he did it in the name of Truth is ridiculous. Likely he did it because he was suffering mentally. It became obvious with later threads that he was seriously psychologically disturbed. His initial thread where he talked about fasting and jumping into the ice water was a little intense, but not worthy of intervention. Within the context of this forum, extended fasting isn't exactly an alarm. He said he did it for 25 days drinking water, yes, but there weren't other details and he seemed fairly lucid. People go on juice fasts for 1 month, and that could have been what he meant. It sounded like he was just a dude who was pushing some physical limits, as is one approach that has been taken by others in the past. Btw, some people, like athletes, do ice baths regularly. Weird? Yes. Extreme? Maybe, but within context it wasn't cause for any particular alarm. He came across like a hardcore seeker. Not everyone in life does things softly, and we can't always assume the worst. In this case, Leo probably assumed what I assumed: that he's a little foolhardy, but admirable. In the first thread where he mentioned killing himself he was being cryptic and making it seem like he was seeking ego death rather than physical death. I left a half joking comment saying he should consider the suicide hotline because something felt really off... if you look at the posts, it's clear that not everyone thought he going to literally kill himself. When he implied potential self harm, Leo's statement both times very clear: don't do anything to harm yourself. Distorting these teachings to make that stuff okay is only something that can be done out of a very low and distorted level of consciousness - at that point it doesn't matter what teaching or teacher you put in front of them... they are going to reap their own distortions.

Disclaimer: I understand that the following criticisms, objections, and opinions are just projections of my and the collective shadow and that all of this is untenable. Even if @vanish is a troll and didn't actually kill himself, my heavy emotional reaction is real and the lessons learned from this - maybe hypothetical - situation still hold true. For those of you who are unaware, @vanish posted some radical things on this forum - hopefully so far. He holds/held the view that awakening may only come from physical death, aka suicide. He wrote about living a life-threatening lifestyle - being in the dark, only drinking water for multiple weeks. He went into a bath full of ice almost killing himself which he announced earlier as killing "him"self. On March 26th, he wrote about the two lifestyles - self-development and self-destruction - and two days later he wrote a post saying that after he finished writing this post he is gonna shoot himself. Alot of people - including myself - started following him after this - he hasn't been online ever since. Now, I hate to say this but from an absolute perspective, every choice is equal. Fundamentally there is no difference between saving 100 lives and torturing yourself and committing suicide. I was shocked that even though I may grasp this on an intellectual level but not an emotional level - and I won't until my psychological death as @vanish would put it. The wording used by @Leo Gura and other spiritual teachers can be very easily misinterpreted: Because Leo didn't react until @vanish mentioned taking his life and almost complimented him for fasting and almost dying in that ice bath, many people accused him of talking @vanish to suicide. I would argue against this on some level; any symbol could be a trigger for any action. In theory, you could train a person to rape anyone if you say the word "peanuts". But Leo - also everybody who encouraged him, everybody who remained passive including me and for that matter everybody -, still, how the fuck didn't you stop him earlier? He was seriously playing with his health; he could have died from that ice bath. I want to discuss this issue - I think others may be also worried about this. @vanish, if you are reading this, come back and say "it was just a prank, bro!". What can we do about this? How to prevent or limit such misinterpretations in the future?

Suicide can be used as an experiment in willpower, but normally people who commit suicide don't do it for that reason. For example, in the Jaina (Jainism) tradition death (Santhara) has also been used to strengthen willpower. Phowa, is the "the practice of conscious dying" in Vajrayāna Buddhism.

Over the last year I've come around on Islam as my level of consciousness has increased. Firstly, Mohammed's project was a vast improvement on the tribalism of the Arab people some dozen centuries ago. (Of course, his success in this was partial. Arabs are still fairly tribal. But it was a necessary and moderately successful undertaking by all accounts.) This is something that probably escapes a lot of Islam's critics. (BTW, same applies to Genghis Khan and his empire.) Secondly, some very smart people have persuaded me that Islam is not unreformable. And they were right: pay attention to the social and legal changes in the heart of Islam (Saudi Arabia.) Women will have near-Western type equality with men within a decade. They are doing something very smart: instead of inviting endless culture wars as we have now in the West, they are building cities with relaxed, Western-type laws and culture. Localism is best, localism works, people need to stop trying to inflict their vision on one another. Live and let live. Allow for religious enclaves and liberal enclaves. This is real diversity. Iranian mullahs will likely be deposed within a year or two. Iran is already fairly Western in outlook, so the reforms there may come even faster. We're at the tail end of the radical Sunni Islamic extremism era that began post-Soviet invasion of Afghanistan, where the O.J.s (Original Jihadis) honed their chops; roughly from early 1990s. We are now in the mopping up phases. ISIS is nearly toast; Hezbollah will be taken care of within a year or two. You will get lone wolf (and maybe small group) attacks for awhile because there are now Jihadist breeding grounds in Europe, but eventually Europe will decide suicide is not the answer and proceed accordingly. So I say we're done with it by 2025 or so. I would guess it's closer to 111, but that's still the highest of any group, and when you get to the higher edges (130+ and 140+) it really becomes out of proportion to the general population. The reason for that is likely a form of what I call "literacy eugenics." Ashkenazi Jews have been what some historians call "service nomads" throughout the last millenium or more (tax collectors, highly skilled tradesmen, physicians, merchants, etc.) More IQ demanding professions than, e.g. farming. (Especially math and verbal; visuospatial less so.) So there was likely a filtering process of those who couldn't hack it and had to leave the group.

vanish.....I don't know how old you are, but as you've noticed, suicide attempts are not helping this situation...also, you don't have to trust your parents. Life is not black and white. The self-construction vs. destruction. There's no vs. You could take things from the construction to destruction, or vice versa and follow either, and they would be equally valid. And you are valid. So you need to live. Another suggestion is, find a "great teacher" and/or "guardian" who doesn't criticize others and has the wisdom to be thankful for correction.....

Egoless, that is a good point. And more generally speaking, what is the point in seeking enlightenment, because the YOU that is seeking the enlightenment is the YOU that is going to die. It's basically suicide, so why does it want that? Or does it? What does it think it will get out of it?

I feel like a prisoner in this world. I assume this is the reason why some choose to commit suicide. To escape the matrix. As the ultimate fuck you to whoever placed us here. I am not suicidal, nor depressed, but I admit that I do recognise some aspects of these conditions within me. I have adopted a non-seeking behaviour (or perhaps a passive-seeking behaviour). Why do I need to perform all these practices to realise something I didn't ask for? Why do I need to wake up everyday in a reality I didn't ask to be in, to follow a sequence of events that I don't believe in? It feels like groundhog day, except very very real. But I do admit I don't really know what real means. I don't have anything to compare it to. This realness just doesn't seem to give a fuck. It's indifferent. And for that reason I don't give a fuck about it... At times. At other times it seem to be one hell of an interesting place to be in, beyond beautiful. But this view is not pervasive. Is this an egoic mechanism at work, me trying to attack God, but only hurting myself in the process? Probably, but I can't seem to escape it. This perspective is persistent. The doubt and lack of trust I've experienced from the start of this journey has increased. It's like I'm trying to keep myself from knowing. Whenever I start to make progress in any practice, be it breathing exercises, Samadhi meditation, or psychedelic breakthroughs, I just seem to be pulled? back into complacency and homeostasis. It seems like I'm worse off than I was at the beginning. The frustration, wanting, needing, craving, desire is overwhelming. It makes my mind uneasy. Meditation does not help to lessen the uneasiness I'm experiencing. Neither does introspection. It makes it worse. For that reason I have considered giving up, or at the very least taking a break from all this. But I can't do that either. Not while I know that this path could lead to salvation. I'm feeling kinda lost at the moment, because I have no freaking clue what's going on, or what to do.

@Leo Gura I am on your side... I am not fighting you why don’t you understand. I want you to collapse the duality once and forever. If you had the biggest realization possible on 5 Meo as you say then why is your experience and perception still dualistic? I am only trying to tell you to be more skeptical towards those drugs... Openmindedness is good but there are lines. You don’t know what side effects these drugs could have on you in a long run. I just want you to be healthy and you take my wake up calls as an assault... I am on your side man! @kieranperez It’s not about what I like. You never know the side effects of the drugs in the long run. Especially such a powerful one as 5 Meo... It may drive you insane. Who studied them long run... there is so little known. And Leo uses psychadelics heavily as far as I know. I just want him to be more skeptical and careful not to hurt himself... Moreover sharing what he sees on drugs on youtube is dangerous imho. Because people who never experienced themselves can just turn it into a belief system which may lead to nihilism. There were some posts about suicide lately. I’m not saying it’s because of Leo... We don’t know what caused delusions... but everyone should be more careful when sharing perspectives... There is a reason why most Enlightened people don’t talk about Truth directly!!!

@SpaceCowboy Psychedelics in general should be highly effective for treating depression. The problem is, people misuse psychedelics because they don't do the research and refuse to follow proper protocol. If one is already on the brink of suicide then trying any solution is better than doing nothing.

It's highly controversial. Non-duality can be misunderstood, especially by suicidal people, resulting in even more damage. My deepest realization to this moment was when driving a car. I was intensly focused on the road and my thoughts had wandered for a second towards metaphysical question, then I saw that all is nothing and never existed. It was very positive, but to be honest, if there was a road accident going to happen then I probably wouldn't fight for my life, I would simply let it be. That's how powerful this realization is. I think it may be the same for depressed people. If they are already on the brink of commiting suicide, then Enlightment experience might be just a green light for that, with very high possibility of killing themselves during the trip. I don't know for sure, I am just guessing. So, maybe not 5-MeO, but low dose of AL-LAD would be more suitable?

A distant friend of our family recently took his life due to years of depression. Apparently, he saw his own suicide as the only possible solution. Hypothesis: Wouldn't it make sense to treat highly suicidal people with 5-Meo-DMT? I mean, if they are so depressed that they are going to take their life anyway, why not try to get them back on track with psychedelics?

You're right! But we should be aware of this behaviour for the future. Threads that suggest suicide shouldn't be exposed here at all. It doesn't give the forum the vibe we like it to have. As you said, his decision had nothing to do with spirituality or this forum. He made his mind up independently of spiritual teaching or actualised.org. Tragic anyway.

Yeah, I though the whole thread was satire, so I participate with my own made up contribution. But unfortunately it wasn't satire I guess. And now he is most likely gone.. We must raise a warning to young people that spirituality can be dangerous if combined with mental illness. We already had John Flores in the past, and now this "Vanish" guy. It's depressing to see how some people think suicide is a way out of duality and into timeless being. That's NOT how it works. That's a shortcut, and shortcuts don't lead anywhere.

He shot himself like 12 hours ago. That's why I think mods should remove his contents since it can inspire others, and that's not good! Please, take responsibility! This is the most alarming thing I've seen here. This community shouldn't be associate with suicide of any kind.

I had a similar experience with Lsd.I just called a friend and not my parents (they would have fucked me in the ass and destroy the trip if they learn I took psychedelics)Your brother was enough I believe.I had take 2 blotters and I was thinking I will suicide or become crazy but when the trip kicked in it was great.These substances are really powerful.Προσεχε

Forms of abuse 1 Gaslighting 2 passive aggressive 3 Codependency 4 domestic violence 5 Emotional Blackmail 6 suicide threats 7 Manipulation 8 curses and ill wishing 9 Guilting 10 Warnings 11 Stalking 12 Using past mistakes of the other as a way to cover up present misconduct or as a defense 13 Lying and Hiding 14 Pathological lying and compulsive lying 15 Use of physical force for restraint 16 Display of physical threat and intimidation 17 Abusive words 18 Discouragement 19 Obsessive Interference 20 Demonization 21 Systematic psychological degradation 22 Character Assassination and Witch Hunt 23 Targeting and Bullying 24 Slander 25 Cyber bullying 26 27 28 29 30

As long you do not suicide is OK.These feelings exist to teach you something.Observe the mechanism of the ego.It is the ego that make you feel that way.Accept everything that happens and feels.Try to isolate yourself from your family if this is possible.When you are getting angry with others your subconscious wins and you are out off control you can not be conscious of your feelings.Its challenging when you live with your family, you can reach a state that you are peaceful though.It is very early to change your feelings 2 weeks is not a lot of time.Continue and you will see results in a month from now maybe 2 or 3 it depends.Keep fighting I wish you the best!!!