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Update: He comitted suicide. Said he couldn't take it any longer. Some people are just not meant for success and being in the spotlight. He hated the fame, but always loved making music.

(Sorry for the bad english )So let me tell you how I got to this hell. From early in my childhood I felt that I didnt belong here. My mother left me at her grandparents until I was 4.She visited me once at 2 weeks. She was into trial whit my dad for me and I started to hear some horrific stuff adout my dad and my other grandparents from her and her grandparents. My mother grandparents told me that my other grandparents wanted to cut me to peaces and throw me to the trash can and in fact they dindt even wanted me to be born.(HOW RETARDED YOU MUST BE TO TELL THIS TO A 4 YEAR OLD KID). The thing is that back then I felt that my dad grandparents were the only one who actualy gave a shit about me. My childhood was this constant battle to make sense of who loves me and stuff like that. Fast foward 2 years I m in a new home whit me mother and my stepfather and I start school. The first 4 years of school were hell I was the bullied kid even the professors were making fun of me.I had no friends .Then my stepbrother and sister apeared. And I was the "left behind" kid.All the love was going to my stepbrother and sister and I was just looking and thinking why my parent dont love me the way they love my brother and sister. Fast foward another 6 years I was 12 and I had finaly decided to ask my dad grandparents about that shit that told me back when I was 4. My grandfather almost started crying and he told me the the whole story.In a nutshell he told my that when he found out that my mother was pragnent whit me he knew that my dad and her will not he able to raise me properly and that I will be a kid whit no mother and father.And boy he was right... I understude back then what he meant and I cound see how he was right... Fast foward to when I was 16 I had my first girlfriend.It felt amazing only do go south in 1 mounth when I found out that she cheated on my whit one of my only 2 friends. At school I was doing horrible I was the dumbest kid in the class because I could not do anyting because of the deppesion. And on top on all of this when I went home I will just hear."You are a failure,you will not do anything whit your life "and all this kind of bullshit. After 1 week I had my first suicide attempt at 16.It was unsucceful thx god. Then I found out about Leo. I started to watch his videos, my life was going really well,for the first time in my life I was happy.After 2 years I purchases his course.Amazing stuff there. But then resistance started to kick in and life starded to "happen again to me." When I found out about elightement I went into deppresion again.Because I realized that all of the stuff I wanted to do were just a distraction from the truth. I really half-assined enlightenment and almost went into psichosis. 3 years into future and I am here.I discovered that I am a psichopath and I dont feel anyting for anyone.For example I know that my dad grandparents love me at the logical level but at the emotional level I dont feel anyting is just a void inside myself. The same is for my mother,father,brother etc. I m dead inside really and I feel like no one loves me ,so I decided to take LSD and to go deeper on the problem.Bad idea.... The trip was so intense that I think I have ptsd now. It showed me that my biggest fear is to die without loving anyone.It showed me that I must go and satisfy my need for sex and love because I was like. "Enlightenment is the only thing that matters fuck love and sex". The trip was like all of my loneliness and paranora and "no one loves you" were X1000. It was not all just pure hell it helped me overcome one of my biggest fears. My fear was that I will go crazy from this enlightenment work ,but the trip showed me that I will not go crazy. I had changed my life went from a victim to a newbie artist. The thing is I feel really lonely. Right now I have friends and a great carrier up ahead but the thing is that I m dead inside. I dont feel anyting and the lsd really fucked me up. I dont know what to do guys I don't wanna kill myself but the loneliness does... I feel like I'm extra in this reality. Yersteday was my birthday I made 20 years and it was the worst day of this year, I feel lost in life.I feel like no one loves me. I feel like no one undestard me, my frieds call me crazy when I tell them about enlightenment but I dont care. ( I dont understand the truth I just know about it right now) . This loneliness and the lack of emotions is killing me, for 4 years I'm doing self-help and right now I feel like I'm at ground zero again. I'm strong guys but I'm tired..

What I can say is that this message is very important to me. I remember clearly when I was in my bed thinking on suicide more than two years ago. I remember I was thinking on how my mother would be sad if I killed myself. But just thinking on your mom is not what makes you overcome suicidal thoughts. You can't relieve your suffering with the suffering of other people. You can't relieve your suffering with pity. I can't remember exactly when, but there was a moment when I thought: "I have a purpose and I won't give up. I can overcome it because I always believed it's possible." It's kind my slogan in life: "you can overcome anything in life." I have many rants with people who say it's not possible to overcome anything in life. I remember when my grandma was sick and my father told me: "there is no way for her, she'll live this way until she dies." My grandma died unhappy. But I would argue a lot with my father telling him: "yeah, even with dementia, grandma can have a happy life." But he insisted on telling me that she was done. It was kind like: "just wait her die." I was young. I think I was 14 or 15 (can't remember). But it was very unfair with my grandma. No one defended my idea that was possible for her to have a happy life even with dementia. I'm feeling angry towards my family now because while I'm writing it, I'm realizing of how unfair and hopeless my family was. Yes, I'm sure it's my life purpose. I'll help people believe it's possible to overcome anything in life. I love my father anyway. But I had many rants with him of what's possible in this life. I recognize that he never told me it was not possible to overcome schizophrenia. I think he did his best to educate me and put food in my mouth. I haven't found my top 10 values in life, top 5 strengths and top 5 goals though. I don't know how is Leo's approach towards these things. I just had a talk with a person today who told me I can express my ideas clearly. Some strengths that I also have: writing, drawing, physicality and linguistics. Values and goals change with time, but I haven't assessed them yet.

Hi guys, I'm grateful that I've found this community. Hopefully you can help me by getting a different point of view on my situation. Let's jump right in: I feel fucked from life and I'm seeking help in this forum. I don't really know what exactly my problem is but I'll describe it as accurate as possible without going too much into detail. However it is necessary for me to go a little bit deeper than usual in forums so I go by example of Leo's videos and don't make it up too long and yet deep enough to cover all important information so you can help or share your similar experiences precisely. If you want to help please do so by reading my story carefully since it took some time for me to bring all this in order. Also please be direct and share every little bit of advice you can give, but don't just write: "you need to meditate more". Short version: Quarter life crisis; have no life purpose which affects every area of my life negatively. Long version: Let's start by telling that I never really knew what I was going to do in my life. I just followed what my mom told me to do, so I went to school and roughly two years ago I passed the a-level-exams (there you get a certificate to enter a university here in Germany). During my last two years of school I met a great friend who gave me a book to read which transformed the way I live (Eckart Tolle - The Power of Now). For the first time in my life I consciously shut off the mind and enjoyed what it was like to just be. After school I tried tons of different ways to fulfill my need for a profound, purposeful life. For instance work experience in different areas, university, traveling in Europe and South America, a lot of reading and some private projects with family and friends at home. Remembering the time during these projects I often felt fulfilled and satisfied with myself and the situation itself, but in between when there was nothing to do for me and when I was just looking for the next thing to try, I often felt lonely, depressed and as if there was a hole in the midst of my body which is constantly draining energy from myself to keep me a little victim/spectator of life. In addition to that there were a few other experiences worth mentioning here. Due to my sexual desperation (got my first girlfriend at 18, broke up at 20 mostly because of sexual inactivity; didn't have any hots for her left) I tried NoFap. After 150 days or so without fapping/watching porn I strongly felt disconnected to myself and my sexuality so I became interested in audiofiles and what I call "sex with ghosts" which I stopped again for the reason that I want to feel some boy-girl intimacy again. Furthermore I already had a few enlightened experiences on Magic Mushrooms and a very special one on Ayahuasca. Lastly I'd like to mention that especially during the last 3 months I sometimes blindly followed universal signs which brought me in a bad money situation where I successfully lost a big part of my savings. Not to say all of this is bad, on the other hand I really am grateful for the experiences I made up to now and I'm sure all of this will be with the benefit of hindsight. So how is the situation right now? I'm 22 years old ,1500€ left, still living at my mothers house, spending my days self-actualizing as far as possible without lots of energy left and trying to motivate myself to find a job to restore my savings. From the outside it probably doesn't even look so bad. I've got a nice morning routine (exercising, meditation 30 minutes, cold showering, each 6-7 days a week), playing the piano every now and then, taking care of my nutrition as far as possible, reading/actualizing on self help stuff, walking or cycling in nature almost daily etc. But on the inside it looks worse. I just force myself to do all this because I know if I even would stop meditating or exercising I couldn't even look myself in the eyes anymore because there's nothing left at all to do for me. Often in the evenings when I'm lying in my bed my body is tired of all this walking and exercising but my mind still fully awake because deep inside of me there's so much energy left which makes it hard to fall asleep sometimes. I just know and feel that my potential is limitless and not used to capacity at all which probably is one reason for the depressed state of mind at the moment. Often during walks in the forest I discover how the filter in my awareness shifts from negative to positive and suddenly the world looks promising and positive again. I even become more clear-headed and some ideas pop up what I could do next but as soon as I'm at home again starting to look for a job for instance, the mind kicks in again telling me why the fuck should I do this job if I have way more potential and this is not good for me because of that blablabla. When talking about family I sometimes when I'm in good mood can talk and laugh with them a lot but on the other hand sometimes I can't even look them in the eyes and don't want to say a single word when eating together e.g. Same with friends, when there's something to do, I'm the first one who wants to help and work all day but when it's about coming together as a group and chill and relax it usually doesn't take more than a hour until I want to leave which proceeds so far that I don't even want to meet some of them anymore (yes I know sometimes it's necessary to cut off unhealthy relationships but don't I need any form of balance like new friends first so my social skills won't freeze even more than now?) Lastly here's the tip of the iceberg: The first time in my entire life there are minor suicidal thoughts popping up in my head even though as I write this I wouldn't even consider killing myself as an option (Is this my mind tricking me?). I'd rather work myself dead before consciously thinking about suicide. I just know that I'm bigger than any problem in life and that it's just a question of time when I'll feel more fulfilled and happy again but I just need some help to do so. But that's not how it has to be: All of my experiences so far gave a kind of outline how my life could be. I do have goals in life and yes, I do have a lot of dreams. Just for example I want to master the piano, become a veterinarian specialist for all sorts of cats, have successful relationships with my surrounding partners (family/friends/future girlfriend), become evolved in competitive e-sports and master another passion of mine like snowboarding and on top of that I want to become more and more self-actualized to find my true authentic self. So what's the problem? I have goals and if I would think about it for a minute I could even set myself a step by step guide how to reach all of my goals in during the next 10 years. Let's take the competitive e-sport for an example. I just cannot sit there playing my favorite game without thinking that there's fucking more important stuff to do than playing for 12 hours, I can do that when I'm financially free but not now when I'm struggling with my life. Bad example because playing video games it chimpdump like Leo calls it, right? So let's take the vet thing. I started learning about all the different type of cats in the world but even there I think that when I move to Berlin in 6 months to start university again that I don't want to live in some kind of chicken house eating ramen all day so please work for your financial freedom first. If I continue anyway to play the game or to learn, the depressed feeling slowly starts to come back and I go out for a walk in the forest to rethink this whole thing again. I was thinking about taking the life purpose course but somehow my gut feeling tells me to that I should rather work my way through Leo's free stuff first (like becoming successful at everything) before considering buying the course. And furthermore I want to bring my life in order again at first so I have more mental capacity left to do the course in a more authentic way (are these just excuses of the mind so I can continue to feel like a "victim" in life?). Possible next steps: I'm free so I could force myself to find a job that I could do until October so at least I've some money reserves again. Or I could even move to Berlin right now, leave all of my old life and friends behind me and find a job over there. Or I could say fuck all this and take the course to restructure everything. I just don't know. As you can see I'm very confused which is probably normal for a guy at my age but I feel a bit overwhelmed with all the possibilities considering my background and my goals. Furthermore the regularly depressed feeling makes it harder and harder to make strong decisions and stick to them. Thank you already so much for reading all this. If you need any further information to help me precisely please feel free to ask anything you want to know. If you have some similar story you want to share but you don't want to make it public please feel free to contact me via PM. Edit: Got a call today while meditating. Got a job which I can do until university start, and furthermore I'm thinking about getting a second job to be busy during the week. Any replies are still appreciated

You'll learn isn't true, infact Leo doesn't promote killing yourself for the truth through suicide. It can occasionally happen where people will "kill themselves in the name of truth" but this is stupid in my opinion. Realize if anything has "should" or "I need to" in it, that pretty much means its dogma. For example "truth is the only thing that matters, and look how all these silly things distract me!" He's also done a video on Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Which describe the need for sex and love, and if your smart you'll realize that working hard towards enlightenment will be hard if your not dealing with these other things in life, and that doesn't always mean "I need to satisfy my sexual need" but you need to deal with it responsibly somehow. I also chase emotions, but by practing do-nothing meditation, I've come to realize and accept that you won't always be feeling amazing. Which sounds shitty right? No, just realize that's there's two separate parts to it, you've got 'the need' and also the 'feel good' and your mind meshes those two together making "I need to feel good" but if you change the "I need" part by accepting you won't always feel good, then it will no longer tear you to shreds. that's sort of the theory anyway, but know that 'feeling good' is a material need, or in other words - a thing that exists that I need man this is just life, I know it probably seems unbearable and shitty, but your only in this life for who knows how long, and if there's a legitimate chance there's a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and coins along the way, then don't let the rain beat that hard on you that you want to quit. Contemplate, research, ask questions, just think. The rainy may be soggy and miserable, but you'll learn by looking up that its because of the rain, that the rainbow exists.

@Jed Vassallo Here’s something I wrote down today that I think relates: “When you’re dreaming, do you think you’re the one who’s controlling it? Doesn’t everything seem so real when you’re in the dream? But then you wake up and say ‘that was a crazy dream, it felt so real!’ And go on with your day. When we have bad nightmares, the subconscious urge to wake up becomes stronger. Doesn’t it always seem in our nightmares we wake up abruptly when we are in danger or about to die? Life is a dream within a dream, just wake up!” Life looks literally like an absolute nightmare to those who commit suicide. After my first experience with enlightenment, I fell into psychosis and thought that I would actually physically die if I fell asleep. My ego backlashed HARD. I was so desperate I went to the hospital and I made them give me drugs just to make me fall asleep because I hadn’t slept in days, and of course I awoke in a psychiatric unit. I guess this is the weird metaphor, things are finally seem to be coming full circle for me.

This thread gave me a thought. Most people think that people who commit suicide are cowards. But, it takes (in most cases I'd imagine) the strongest will possible to actually end your life. It takes that exact same strongest of will to purposely kill the totality of your Ego/Self. It's a shame for all those that have committed suicide. They were looking for a way out of the suffering. If only they knew that they could kill themselves, without having to end their life. I bet once this knowledge spreads, the suicide rate will drop drastically.

you talk as if avicii failed his life, he "couldn't" handle it avicii came here and did what he had to do, sharing beautiful music with people all over the world bringing joy and positive vibes all over the world, clubs might be what some refer to as 'low-consciousness' but its places where people gather to have fun, to dance, to have a good time, this is a million times better then people killing and exploiting each other music is so transformative, so personal for so many people, it might not look like it but avicii is a modern day shaman. it might not fit a traditional image of a shaman, but you make music, you make people dance, bring them to other vibrations, you're a shaman not to idolize him by no means, he had his own issues yes, just like everyone else on this rock and this forum right now, he did what he had to do and then he left the earth to continue other ventures, its not because he died earlier that he failed. people die early, by accidents, sickness, suicide, murder, some souls dont want to stay on earth growing old, they might just want to experience what its like being a child then leave, there's no failure in that. if you don't get that life on earth is a magical virtual reality simulator pretty much that our souls are playing right now you'll see death as failure

Sorry to see you leave us @Source_Mystic . I understand what you're saying, and I actually read your warning post about the shamanic breathing technique and its risks and decided against it. I respect Leo a lot because he's a true pioneer and an invaluable resource of experience and knowledge. I also, however, use discretion in anything Leo or other teachers recommend that I feel is unorthodox and potentially unsafe. People need to take responsibility for themselves. I don't think Leo intends for this forum to be a cult at all; but he's accepted to a certain degree that it's human nature for people united under a common goal or interest to form a collective ego at some point. There are a ton of sweet, encouraging people on this forum dedicated to improving themselves and assisting others along the way; how could we not to take up for each other every once in a while? I do wish Leo would warn about the psychological impact his videos may have upon viewers with preexisting psychological disorders; it kind of scares me the number of people on this forum who literally want to commit suicide. It's flat-out creepy.

No, I don't believe he was, but your flippancy towards suicide is rather worrisome.

For the past few days, I have been struggling with the idea of 'choice'. How do you choose between two activities? Seems like a easy thing - but when you know that all paths lead nowhere, that death is inevitable, and more important, you can clearly see yourself feeling the things that you would possibly feel because you have played those roles in the past. For eg, you can feel a sense of accomplishment at doing something 'worthwhile', and before you do the activity, you remember this feeling. On the other hand, you can feel a sense of pleasure at doing something 'pleasurable', and you feel that before you do the activity as a sort of memory. And then you compare the two feelings - and you are lost. Because they both seem to go nowhere, mean nothing significant. Thus you cannot choose. So the decision of choice becomes arbitrary. But what kind of arbitrariness are we talking about here? Some things I will not go - I will not shoot myself with heroin, or commit suicide in the name of truth(at least not easily). So there is some criteria in my mind. These are the unconscious criteria. But you could have more definite criteria. For example, the kind of activity that I want to do could be based on what I want to achieve, if I want to have some theoretical understanding of my place in this world, then I would choose intellectually rewarding activities. But within those activities, there are some which are easy and some which are difficult. I would choose the difficult one, because I want mastery in what I do. https://medium.com/personal-growth/if-its-not-hard-it-won-t-be-rewarding-5a9f85b072d8 There aren't always paths that are so clear cut. Sometimes a choice is made for you and there is nothing you can do about it. The very idea of having choices goes against all manner of understanding of the self, if there is no you then there is no choice either.

@Leo Gura As far as I'm concerned, there is nothing to solve and nothing to escape right? Why all of the sudden the worry? Do you think actualized will get blame if someone here suicides? It's all just a dream, illusion, death is not real, nothing exists etc etc. I often thought about suicide myself. The only reason is didn't do it is because almost all philosophies and occult practices teach that there is punishment to the soul aka individual consciousness after this. I hope you can elaborate more on the suicide issue.

If you are talking about suicide, I hope most of these comments get through to you in time to see that there are people concerned about you. I don't know what is going on in your life to make you feel this way. We all have our own inner demons to battle, but if you kill yourself you aren't even giving yourself a fighting chance at happiness. You know what comes after the suicide? nothing, because you are no longer a factor in anyone's life equation, not even your own. There are people who live every second of their lives in pain and devastation all around the world, but they still find something to keep them going. There has to be something to keep you going. Even if it's just the support and knowledge that these strangers do care even if they don't know your name or even your eye color. However, if by "unplug" you mean to just disconnect from the Webb to allow yourself some quiet time of reflection, then I wish you the best of luck! I personally have not been apart of ANY social media network outside of Pinterest and Etsy and it can be very relaxing to get away from the screens. I hope you are still here to fight the good fight! But if we are too late, RIP...

LWAM, Season 1, episode 4 Disclaimer: the following story is a result of phenomena called purging on steroids. Symptoms include: shrieking, violent shaking, shifts of energy in the body and the sweet relief that comes after it. This is a full ( it's looong) version of Danielle's story. My first memories of being alive were connected to hatred and violence. My parents fought a lot and their fights weren't one of those minor quarrels that married people have, they fought with the intent to kill one another. I had this vivid image of my brother crying because of them for years playing in my head. I found peace in church of all places. Looking back, I had these weird experiences where I didn't know who I was and something about those moments intrigued me and I kept going there. I went there so often that everyone thought I'd become a nun. I spent most of my days playing on the street or in the mud. All my friends were boys and that effected my self image as a girl later on. My parents would buy me dolls and I'd tear them up beyond recognition. I might have looked like a girl, but inside I was a dude. Then middle school came. I could easily understand all my classmates, but very few understood me. Then that got me questioning: Why don't they get me? Maybe there's something wrong with me. It's like there's constant disconnect between me and most people. I began asking existential questions very early on, wondering about the nature of existence and myself and yet, nobody seemed interested in it.I couldn't understand why things seemed so crazy and everyone considered it to be normal. Why do they keep repeating actions that don't work? Am I really suppose to believe that this is normal? Everything they found meaningful, I found stupid and vice versa. The 'odd one out' narrative resulted in repression – I shouldn't think what I'm thinking, feel what I'm feeling and be so weird. My father was very emotionally abusive and my mother did the opposite – she killed me with love. My sister got married when I was 12 and I saw it as betrayal – she was my protector and i felt like she left me all alone to parent my parents. What was even worse, I saw her get into a shitty dysfunctional marriage like the one our parents had. Throughout all these years I felt like I knew too much, felt too much, was unworthy of love and not good enough to live. The belief in abnormality increased when i got deep into pubrety and realized I was attracted to girls as much as I liked boys. You can imagine how quickly my faith eradicated. From there, further repression and denial, hiding away of who I was from everyone while simultaneously soaking up people's emotions like a sponge and blaming myself for all of it. I was in so much pain all the time – I thought I deserved to suffer. I couldn't relate to my peers - felt too mature. It was like a cruel joke – i was born in the wrong family with reversed roles, in the wrong country whose medieval ideologies I could never buy, with a clearly abnormal personality which no one will ever understand. It always felt like I was backwards. I could have talked to my best friend, but he was so deep into gays are not okay paradigm, I didn't dare to talk to him about it until years later. At this point, I'm 14 and I just find out I'm bisexual, I lost all faith, I feel lonely and misunderstood and the pain is never ending. That was the first time I thought about suicide. It seemed like the most rational thing to do – I don't belong anywhere, I can't trust people and I'm uncapable of living, and the key thing - I can't fix everyone and everything, no matter how hard I try, I can't do anything besides feel their pain. Somehow I got through that year and found people who were like me in high school. Still, there was always this tendency to self destruct - to find a way to prevent what I want from happening. My logic was, I failed at being normal so I might as well try to succeed at being a misfit. I became a hardcore atheist and a social warrior, spending my time getting high, smoking and drinking. 2 edgy 4 u. How do you like that, mom and dad? When that failed, I tried couple of identities for size- the punk one, the nihilist one, the misanthrope one, the commie, the emo, the stoner, the liberal, the clown. Needless to say, none of them worked. And here comes the turn. After I've broken off a toxic relationship and went through that horrific healing period that only teenage heartbreak can bring about, hating people more than ever, I got tired of feeling so hopeless and I got into Buddhist philosophy. Still, reading about peace and compassion for mankind felt a bit dry until I stumbled upon the big E word, the promise land – to die without dropping the body – the thing I wanted to do for years. The quest began, or so I thought. My grandfather died and for the first time ever, I realized the significance of this work, it wasn't about being blissed out , it was about death. All those years of on and off depression was only a preparation for this death. Meditation brought back that peace I felt at church and I began to open up again. My personaliy is pretty much all or nothing, so when I heard about E, I got obsessed. I tried to create a new identity out of it so I can have all the peace and love without having to face my shit, but couldn't do it. It was too late - ups, the Pandora's box has been opened. For every release, dark night followed, up and down, from bliss to depression, from confusion to clearity. until I hit that breaking point. That breaking point build up over the years. And just when I thought that the pain couldn't get more unbearable, it got even worse and worse. I woke up one day, rather recently, realizing I'm going to die as a 19 year old and all of the things I i thought were true held no reality whatsoever. All I ever did was renew my story every step of the way, new layer of delusion, new ways to resist and to suffer. And that trauma and extreme suffering I endured for years was a perfect way to get me to surrender. To say: you know what? I can't do this anymore. I give up. I surrender. If I need to go through a this pain for another 10 lifetimes, I'll do it. I won't try to escape. From then on, it's like someone took off this enourmous baggage of my shoulders and dissolved the suffering. My body has been going crazy these last few weeks and that's when this trauma came to the surface. I was in a way protecting myself from those memories and feelings that were deeply burried for years and now they are free to come because I have no resistance. Most importantly, it's not only on a mind level, but on a body level. My family came to visit me the other day and the the first thing I noticed was the lack of tension in my body- it's amazing how I used to tremble when my father would touch me and now I feel open and welcoming. There's no need to protect anything anymore. Just a couple of months ago I wouldn't have even allowed myself to think about these things and now I fully accept them. If you're still reading this, good for you! Sorry I didn't make a dramatic coming out video like everyone else, guess i'm simply old- fashioned. End credits: And when darkness comes let it inside you. Directed by Bigger, Longer & Uncut.

Im quite aware. You mean OCD? If that is so, yes my arms would twitch, shake violently, i would have obsessive thoughts (even with me being mindful about them), my body would go from usual to really cold or hot, not as in a pleasant warm, my eyes would hurt. Now I live the same life and its all different. I dont know, I did some work such as meditating, disbelieving thoughts, contemplating, etc, etc. Nothing gave me this calmness, it all resulted in failure (which was very valuable because I could learn a lot, but failure is also apart of the progress which if you think about it, is it really that bad?). I watched a teal swan video, bla bla bla, pretty much said:"In the situation you are in (feeling suicidal) its either going to result in suicide or something else. So you have a choice, to quit this life or give your all". It had not reasonated with me yet. Then I watched some Douglas Bloch's videos about coping with with depression, I was feeling desesperate, so I decided to take a walk. da da da, there was the calmness.

Tip: We ride the EGO to make sense of what we feel, see, hear etc. Getting rid of the EGO is physical suicide, it is death in a literal sense. <3

I have been chasing truth for years, I have had enormous insights, my life became amazing after this process, I live in total peace and contentment but at this level where it feels like the next step is enlightenement, which is like physical suicide...

You see the world with your own eyes.If you are in peace then you will see others in peace.It is OK not wanting letting go.I am chasing truth and power.They come through the death of the ego and you are even more happier.I guess you don't refer to physical suicide!

* Carlos Castaneda. He wrote "The teachings of Don Juan" as his dissertation for his anthropology study. He claims it is all true, but there are theories that he was a con-man who mostly got his ideas from other books that were in libraries at that time. The book "Journey to Ixtlan" (mentioned above) is one of his later books in the series he wrote. He had a whole cult-following. Including 4 women that lived with him in a big house he bought with the money he made from The teachings of Don Juan. "The teachings of Don Juan" is mostly excerpts from his other books, and is difficult to follow (in my opinion) without reading his other books. I loved the first few of his books. The later books seem to get less interesting. - The teachings of Don Juan - A separate reality - Journey to Ixtlan - Tales of power - The second ring of power - The eagle's gift - The fire from within - The power of silence - The art of dreaming - The active side of Infinity * Also interesting to read are some books of the women he lived with: - Florinda Donner: "Being in dreaming" - Florinda Donner: "The witches dream" - Taisha Abelar: "The sorcerer's crossing" * Also good to watch the documentaries that talk about the cult phenomenon: * In the 90's, he and his "witches" started the Tensegrity company. When you search for Tensegrity videos on YouTube, you'll notice that the instructor women seem kind of drugged or emotionless. After his death, many people were disillusioned. The women went out in the dessert to commit suicide. Only Taisha Abelar was later found. The others are still missing. http://sustainedaction.org http://www.4missingwomen.com

Is enlightenment better than non-enlightenment? Could taking psychedlics be considered a form of spiritual suicide? If not, what preparation should be done before hand? Wondered if it might be like changing gears on a car without the clutch.

@Thanatos13 It’s not something that is learned or understood. It just “IS”. It is repulsive to the self. It’s no-thing and every-thing. Every idea and thought you have just “IS” and has no more relevance than any other thought. The self and all it’s thoughts is all WITHIN it. For my self, moments of awakening came with self dissolution. Everything I thought and believed was stripped away. Early on, the loss of mental control was so terrifying my self wanted to commit suicide since that was the only way to regain control. If one is immersed in debating and “figuring it out”, they haven’t even encountered the rabbit hole yet. As the self dissolves, there are not the same highs and lows. The character still goes on, but there isn’t the attachment to the story or the chase for completion. The self gains nothing, it gets jack squat. The self gets exposed and loses all. There is no way to sugar coat it: the process involves brutal and terrifying moments to the self. Yet, its also beautiful and liberating. With that said, there are some beautiful duality teachings. And a reminder to all: dual vs nondual wars are against the TOA - so keep it civil.

Day 2: @Charlotte @egoless It is now the following day I started the day full of energy at a much earlier time than before. Although I didn't have the longest sleep I fatigued a little since then but my muscles feel much more relaxed, breathing feels more synchronised and my chest has this amazing feeling. My chest feels more open, warm and loving really. My morning meditation felt like a breeze and feel like many blockages have opened up. I have felt some minor purging such as I felt like having a good cry last night but didn't quite get to that point and just felt some fear when walking around in the dark which I haven't felt since a child. Did have minor thoughts of suicide when driving but I was very conscious of the fact they were simply thoughts similar to those I recall from about 3-4 years ago. Overall this feeling of love in my chest is nice, I'm sort of just relishing in that therapeutic feeling throughout my mind and body.

So for the past couple of months I have been really considering the pointlessness of life. I realised no matter what things i achieve or experience i have i will always seek more. And I think this is what comes with being born and being an animal. So I lost interest in everything, because what else is there to do. I can do stuff but I won't be satisfied with it and its only for short term excitement. If I was dead I wouldn't have to worry about having a house or eating food or maintatining relationships. Those things are cool, they keep me alive but that's a bit shallow. There is no purpose that can fulfil anyone. There is nothing to do. I kept telling myself that its logical to commit suicide. Not like a depressed sort of suicide but more in the sense that if you look at death and life objectively, death is much better than life as you are at peace and there is no suffering. Then I looked into leo's videos about enlightenment and it was like, ooh so i do need to kill myself to find fulfillment, but not my body, just my sense of self. But then what about everything else? All the birds and insects and fish and other sentient beings. Nature is really cruel and life keeps on living and feeding off of other organisms and dying and I think all organisms are stuck in this trap of chasing survival all the time. It's all we do, trying to avoid death, when it is the only thing that will free us from suffering ( apart from enlightenment ). This led me to thinking maybe the earth is better off with all life extinct so there is no more suffering for anyone. Like if nuclear war or some other disaster just wiped out all life on earth and made it inhospitable for any life. I mean I can become enlightened, but what about all the animals and other humans which will live their whole lives trapped in this ego dopamine chasing machine. Any thoughts on this? Does this make sense? Anyone else thought like this?

@Applejuice You may have lived a life without love. Why not try love? You may have lived a life obsessed with money. Why not live a life unobsessed with money? You may have lived a life which hankers to possess. Now live a life which is not worried about possessing anything. You may have lived a life of respectability - you may have always been considering what people think about you, what their opinion is. There is a life to live without bothering what others are thinking about you; there is a life to live individually and rebelliously. Don't commit suicide! Let your past commit suicide. Start living afresh, moment to moment. Don't live in desires, but live in a kind of desirelessness. You have lived a life of strain, effort, struggle. Now start living a life of relaxation, calm and quiet. And you will be surprised , you have been missing life, not because life is worthless. You have been missing life because you have been taught to live a worthless kind of life.

@Applejuice It's important to understand that it's ok to commit suicide though. It can be a stressful thing to carry if you have thoughts that it is wrong! Remember, you are free! You can't be happy until you understand that. Paradoxically, when you understand that you are free and perfectly allowed to commit suicide, then that option often falls away. The same with ego. When people think they are a solid self, then comes responsibility, and often what follows is that you don't take responsibility, since it's viewed as a burdon or a fear of screwing up. On a contrary, when you understand that there are no responsibility or a self, then "you" often start acting responsible.