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@Slade well if it wasn't for personal development I would still have severe depression/anxiety and would have maybe commit suicide. I retain all of my addictions though, but I know my ego is starting to die from meditating 50 mins plus daily now. Starting to feel more grounded in the present moment. From meditation, I feel I've learnt that self improvement can paradoxically be hindered by your desire to improve yourself. I'll be meditating, and I'll think "why isn't my meditation making me feel better? Why can't I detach from my thoughts? ". But if I let go of my want to feel better and let go of my want to "get something" out of meditation, I feel better and I'm detached from my thoughts. By getting out of your own way, your mind and body will automatically take the correct actions you need to improve yourself. We are always in a state of anxiety because our egos are under the illusion that our external circumstances (job performance,sexual relationships, family, friendships and etc) are inherently important, when they are not. Once you let go of clinging to external circumstances, your external circumstances improve. And I feel I'm starting to learn that.

Forget about the materialistic view that matter is the fundemental reality. Physics says that everything material is not really solid matter, only energy is real. But my true problem with materialism is that it destroys the human spirit. To Maslow, the highest need is the spiritual, the desire for self-actualization. But as mother Therese observed while being in the United States, the people are impoverished in spirit. I have been the western world myself and I can see that spirituality and faith is low. That's because, if only matter is real, then material possessions are the only reasonable foundation for happines and a good life. The truth is the opposite, materialism leads at best to crime, suicide, disease, and other problems. Spiritually, it keeps you primitive and locked. Science needs to do more research on consiousness as they will find out that it's all there is, if it is even possible to scientifically know that. Most importantly, they need to tell the world that matter is in fact unreal.

When I had my most powerful samahdi / no self experience it was full of energy I dissolved and lost sense of body and reality ceased to exist and all I could feel was energy, it actually felt like dark matter energy, and that I was connected to it. Obviously my mind is creating concepts to explain it but whatever it was it was out if this world. It was so different to other no self experience bcuz it was full of energy, literally the energy which creates my whole existence. And I dont do any drugs or substances. I have not entered that place again since now I desire to go there and you are not allowed there you must be completely dead, I had to commit mental suicide for it during that sit. But Holy crap if you could enter that place whenever you wanted you hit a infinite gold mine. Also it did not lead to enlightenment this wasn't about becoming aware of the screen permanently, this was more like going deep into the core and seeing all the zeros and ones 1010101001010101 that create what we call reality (just as an analogy).

i had experienced suicide thoughts on my trip, it happends because your awarness get bigger and you understand how unimportant you are in the world , you always think that you are the best and important but the reality is that u are nothing. if you are nothing you think that you are worthless and it is better to kill yourself because of social norms. at least it happened for me because of that reason... you are just dealing with reality, nothing bad happened. it is actualy you key to develop yourself

I realize what I'm about to write can be pretty alarming. Many of you are probably going to tell me I should stay away from psychedelics, but hear me out. Even though a lot of it was very dark, and potentially dangerous; I learned so much about myself from this trip. I really feel like I have direction now in my life. I'm not saying I intend to do any psychedelics in the near future, but I haven't ruled them out entirely. At 6:15 I made tea with 3.5 grams of mushrooms. This was my third time doing them, the first two times I took 2 grams and it was very enjoyable. At the 15 minute mark I was already starting to feel it coming on. I don't even know when it started at full force, but it felt like there was a storm going on in my mind. A little detail that's kind of important - I have Chostocondritis, which causes chest/rib/back pain sometimes. Usually it's just a minor inconvenience, and not that big of a deal, but during the trip the feeling was amplified by 900,000x. I couldn't get comfortable, and I remember walking up and down the stairs in my house laying/sitting down in different places and positions. At the peak of my trip I was laying in bed, and my mind was extremely restless and loud. I was hyper focused on the feeling happening in my body. I couldn't tell the difference between things happening in my head, and things happening outside of my head. This is when it got really dark. I actually thought about suicide. I was reaching for some way to get out of the experience, some way to avoid facing what was happening. I've NEVER considered, or thought about suicide in my life. This wasn't like some negative thought pattern that was making me feel bad about my life; it was purely crazy visuals, and uncomfortable physical sensations. I thought about how it would be over, and peaceful. I actually called the suicide hotline briefly, but hung up. During this whole thing, I had a little voice in the back of my head reassuring me that it would not last for ever, and that I would look back and be glad I didn't do anything. This was the most disturbing part of the trip, I can't believe I actually thought about suicide like this. When I woke up today, this was the hardest thing to deal with. The second crazy thing that happened is I felt like all my vulnerabilities were out in the open. Like everyone I have in my social web that I interact with was notified of all my insecurities and fears. It wasn't just the people I knew though; it was my neighbors, it was the people at the park across the street, It was the people in the cars going by outside, I felt totally exposed. After having to face this for a while, I remember sitting up in my bed feeling like I had schizophrenia. I was mumbling random shit to myself, making weird faces, and my visual field felt like it was being moved to different snapshots around the room. Eventually it took a 180, and every time I would see a new snap shot a little bit of pressure was alleviated. Each snapshot made me careless and less about what people thought of me. It felt amazing. At about the 5 hour mark, I was almost back down to base level; I was filled with dread. I thought that I had just ruined my life, that now I was going to have post traumatic stress disorder. I then ate 25 lbs of food and went to bed immediately. When I woke up today, I was doing what ever I could to avoid looking at what had happened. After a couple hours I decided to face it, and broke out my journal. I've never used one, but today I learned how freaking valuable they are. I wrote out every detail I could remember about the experience. I then got out a separate piece of paper and jotted down the things that bothered me the most. I remembered that mushrooms could reflect your subconscious mind back at you, and that it can bring your deepest fears and expose you to them. I also remember hearing that the best way to make it through a bad trip is to not fight what is happening, and to surrender yourself fully to the experience. After dissecting the things that were the most troubling I came to a few conclusions: I always run and avoid uncomfortable experiences, which includes pretty much every social situation. This has been the case most of my life. When I had suicide going through my head, it wasn't because I felt hopeless or depressed, it was because I was so desperate to get away from something that was uncomfortable. I now have a very strong determination to look my fears in the face, and not run away. I realized that the only way for me to break out of this social anxiety is to surrender to vulnerability. Welcome it, and get used to it. And that eventually my comfort level around people will increase. I've always had a small part of me that thought I was actually insane. It's not something that I consciously think about, but the mushrooms made that glaringly obvious. I'm not entirely sure what I can learn from this yet, but at least i'm now aware of this underlying fear. It showed me the importance of taking care of my body. I don't eat terrible food, but I know I can do better. More vegetables, more water, better sleep, exercise. I feel this need to take care of future me, and be more understanding and compassionate to past me. It really made me appreciate my life and my health. I'm so happy to be alive. I won't be tripping for a while, but I haven't eliminated the possibility. I really believe there is more to learn from psychedelics, I don't want one bad experience to turn me off of them completely. I did some stuff to prepare like meditation, cleaned, cut out negative stimulation for a few days beforehand and wrote some stuff for myself that would help in case of a bad trip, but I guess it wasn't enough. If I decide to do them again I'm going to go all out, every possible safeguard I can find. And the most important thing would be to surrender to the experience, because me not accepting what was happening made it so much worse. Also my writing ability isn't the best, but I tried.

I was a different person before. I'm a different person today. Maybe I've become more loving with time. We are all equal whatevr religion, race, culture, social status we belong to. We don't decide how we are born. We don't control in what situations we are born into. Therefore it doesn't make sense. I mean nothing makes sense at all. Everything is out of order and logic. In the past few days I've realized that family is complete bs. There's nothing like family. Family is shit. It's an illusion created in the mind that there are people who care about you but it's a false concept.. Nobody really cares. We're just individuals. We're entities trying to live through life. Life is bs too because there is no real meaning to it in a rat race world. This life is brutal. You're forced to make money and only money is considered important in this world. There is no value to friendships. There is no value for bonds or family. Only money has become God. It's sad that humanity has come to this. You will try to figure out your way through this life but there is no way because you are born to lose. This is not negativity but a fact. Acceptance is important. The system is designed to bring you down. Not to bring you up. Millions of people commit suicide every year because they can't cope with the struggle that this stupid evil world has created. This rat race which we are born into just to be wasted. There's no purpose. I've been having these disconnected thoughts since morning. I've been questioning myself "what really is life". Why is it so tough. Why is life so hard. Sometimes unbearable. This world is an impossible maze. And people lack empathy. There are major problems that have plagued humanity and they need to be resolved One is money. Money has become the new God in our times. It's impossible to live a decent life without money. Money makes people do wrong things. Therefore money is evil. Money needs to be taken out or at least the disparity needs to be reduced and people need to be given assistance and there should be a cap on how much money people can have and a minimum wage they will always get no matter what. Nobody should have to be deprived of a good life just because they don't have money. That's not fair at all. Money needs to be less important than life. Life needs to be valued. Too many lives lost everyday just because money is more important than life. Absence of God. I think this is another problem. The absence of God in people's lives will cause more chaos, disorder and destruction. In a Godless world, there is no morality and people act cheap. Lack of empathy and love : there is no real love in this world and no empathy for each other. A non cohesive society is ultimately causes its own extinction. The social fabric should be of love and empathy. Family is a shit show.. We've been trained to believe since childhood that family is everything but it's not true especially if it's a bad family. When family members are selfish, life becomes hell. The family unit needs to be broken down and people need to live alone in hippie communities Imbalance. The population of the worldbis just too much almost out of control. Too many people and too few resources to feed the people. This will automatically cause chaos at a very fast rate. It will throw the system out of balance. People will get hostile to each other in a race to win a good life for themselves and it will become unsustainable at some point. Everyone will have to pay the price ultimately. More the population more is the suffering. The earth can't handle so much and so many. So lack of balance will become an overwhelming problem in the future. It will be a big drain and a burden on the resources. The only good thing is unfortunately companies will make tons of profit. Population is good for capitalism to keep making profits but not good for the life of the average man because everything gets more expensive and the demand for resources is huge and the supply of people is too much and so there is no value for their life. People become like puppets and circus animals only to be used and thrown out because there is always someone to replace them. Health. The global burden of disease is rising. Too many health problems because of too much stress. Our bodies are not equipped to handle so much stress. Our bodies wear out in time but challenges of life don't stop with time. Sometimes we tend to take more responsibilities than we can handle. This is a recipe for disaster. The global health is on the decline. Lifestyle disorders have gone out of control. Too many people with diseases. Depression is on the rise. Mental health problems have become a crisis. Therapy and counseling is very expensive. At this rate, we're headed towards a massive health crisis on a scale that must have never been seen before by the medical community. It will surely make the doctors rich very quick. But this has dangerous consequences. Loss of too many people. Fragile relationships Relationships are no longer based on commitment and care and love but power, money, status and politics. The person who is more powerful is in more demand. Relationships have lost the depth and strength. The have become fragile. People want each other only for help and they want to forget.

I think it is impossible to achieve the completely selfless state as long as You are a live, in some cases there are benefits of dealing with life from a self perspective ( Not selfish ), and in the other cases there are benefits of dealing with life from a selfless perspective, but it is impossible to be completely selfless in life, ( I am not encouraging anyone to kill Himself or Herself, Do not commit suicide ) Warning, because even when You are using language You are saying Me, He, She, My, Her, His ..... and these about self, So You can not even think, Talk or write without using self. I think the right way to live is a combination of being self in some cases and selfless in other cases, and that will be beneficial for Yourself, and for everything around You. I think if You are looking to be completely selfless in life, You are wasting Your life, because You are looking to achieve something that unachievable, ( I am not encouraging anyone to kill Himself or Herself, Do not commit suicide ) Warning,

I think it is impossible to achieve the completely selfless state as long as You are a live, in some cases there are benefits of dealing with life from a self perspective ( Not selfish ), and in the other cases there are benefits of dealing with life from a selfless perspective, but it is impossible to be completely selfless in life, ( I am not encouraging anyone to kill Himself or Herself, Do not commit suicide ) Warning, because even when You are using language You are saying Me, He, She, My, Her, His ..... and these about self, So You can not even think, Talk or write without using self. I think the right way to live is a combination of being self in some cases and selfless in other cases, and that will be beneficial for Yourself, and for everything around You. I think if You are looking to be completely selfless in life, You are wasting Your life, because You are looking to achieve something that unachievable, ( I am not encouraging anyone to kill Himself or Herself, Do not commit suicide ) Warning,

@zoey101 I am SOOO sorry for you! We are here for you Your friend's suicide isn't your fault neither are the reactions of your husband. Weigh your options. What is the best for you and your daughter? Give yourself the love no one could ever give to you. Stay strong! ?

My husband just stopped by for a little... He was still pretty upset about the whole thing... I tried to beg him to just drop it and please be with me... I told him I was scared to be alone right now... He stopped and held me for a little, but then he wanted to have sex and I told him I really didn't want to right now.. that I just wanted to lay there for a little and he got a little agressive... He tried to say that it was because I was thinking of my friend... I told him it wasn't that but he started to get mad so I just did it.... I don't know what happened... I wasn't thinking about anything but I got overwhelmed and started to cry in the middle of it and he got so pissed... He started to yell that "he knew I was thinking about my friend" but I wasn't.. it just happened.... He kept calling me a liar... I yelled that he was being so selfish and ridiculous... I told him that I supported him wholeheartedly when his friend committed suicide and when his grandfather was dying but that he can't get over himself long enough to see that I'm fucking hurting right now.. that I'm scared right now... He smacked me on the cheek.... He yelled that I had no right to bring that shit up because it wasn't the same.... He said the difference was that he didn't fuck his friend... I stayed where I was as he left the room... He was going through shit and started to walk out with a box... I asked him what he was going to do and he said that he thinks we need some time a part from each other.... The box was full of knives and shit and I asked him what the hell that was for... He just said it's because he doesn't trust me not to do something stupid... And then he just left... I didn't do anything... But everything is falling a part.... I don't understand why this is happening.... Why is my husband being so stubborn..? I've never done anything to make him think I would cheat on him... He's just blowing this all up...

If I spent thousands of hours and maybe decades to finally completely kill myself / Ego / sense of self and separateness, and realize limitless infinity / God. In that ultimate moment of killing off the very last bit I'm holding onto, is it possible for my body to die too at that crucial moment? I guess that fear of actually killing my body (in this case, accidental suicide), would be that last fear block that would keep me from going into complete enlightenment. With this block, I'd always be at 99%, never able to get past that last percent. And I know that if my body did die, it wouldn't matter. I'd still be consciousness, without a Self, which is what enlightenment is. So no difference. I'm more concerned with not being able to enjoy being enlightened while "I'm' this life, because that fear block of dying, whether rational or not, is keeping me from achieving this. And of course as I progress and achieve higher consciousness, my fears will dissipate as well. So yeah, do you think it's medically possible for the physical body to die, when the Self dies? Has this ever happen? And if it did, how would we know? Have others had this fear and got over it? If so, how?

In Leos latest video on consciousness he says that consciousness has to be completely empty without any qualities/attributes. Because if consciousness was big lets say, if 'big' was a fundamental quality or attribute, then it couldn't take the form of the opposite attribute, 'small' that is. So consciousness is completely empty, without any qualities or attributes, therefore it is NOTHING. But it is not nothing in a conventional mening in a way that it doesn't exist, because it does exist! And here comes my question, isn't 'existence' a quality in itself? If so, then consciousness is nothingness with ONE quality/attribute, namely the attribute that it exist So, consciousness can't take the opposite form to that attribute, it can't be non existing. And if consciousness can't cease to exist, is it really totally free and infinite then?? We as humans are free to cease to exist(suicide), the same can't be said for consciousness, it lacks that freedom, since consciousness with its only attribute is what is prior to everything and something fundamental that never change, IT IS, and can never turn itself into non existence? Hence no ultimate freedom?

I am sorry you had to go through this love, but in all honesty, Its not your fault, so please don't cause any more suffering on yourself than already has, as of right now that is the last thing your friend wants. He seemed to have his own demons to deal with and that was his way of choice to deal with them. I don't believe this had much to do with you at all because if it did, it most probably wouldn't of happened the way it did. I know it seems paradoxical but that's just how things seem to be in this universe. I had similar situations in my younger days, and recently a friend lost her father in a similar situation which i have been helping for some time now and all you have to understand right now is that All is forgiven and All is well and its no longer in the present. He now is with his higher-self(so to speak) and has the enlightened perspective(The perspective and beingness we all try so hard to reach or maintain) to make sense of all his life till that point and that he is completely free from any possible suffering as of right now. Sometimes souls come for short periods only to learn and experience something needed in a particulate body/lifestyle then they have to go and live another life to learn something else because the current life no longer has the possibility for the next lesson. Suicide is extremely tricky but i don't believe it can be done unless both the soul and the higher self agree and in that case we couldn't of done anything about it even if we tried. Souls come and go, but their energy is eternal. All you can do now is appreciate, be grateful and trust the process of life for a greater divine plan that's in order as hard as it seems. Its really the only way to make peace with it and go by it to avoid further suffering for yourself and others. If you need anything feel free to PM me, i will do my best to share my wisdom.

"Substantiated in the form of video and eye-witness testimonies: Physical assault in the form of kicking or slapping Non-consensual administration of additional psychedelics during sessions Unexpectedly electrically shocking participants into a standing position Misogynistic bullying in an attempt to coerce participants into accepting additional doses of 5-MeO Pouring water down the nose or throat of otherwise unconscious participants Unexpectedly blocking the airways of participants for over 15 seconds. Unsubstantiated rumors or accusations: Unsolicited or inappropriate physical contact while under the influence (most reports are of kissing and touching) Involved in the death of at least three individuals during sessions directed and lead by Octavio. Two elderly gentlemen who died officially of heart complications, and one 26-year-old woman Ana Patricia Arredondo whose body wasn't recovered until six days of search and rescue. Severe psychological trauma from sessions which result in long-term depression and suicide." http://psillyrabbits.com/podcastblog-archives-1/2018/5/27/exploring-psychedelics-2018-reviewing-zealotry-and-apologetics-within-the-field-of-psychedelics-2lyt5

Oh I don't know, you might be, you should put a lot of enquiry and awareness on it, you did say Rumi's words were "choking" you. You might be afraid of non-existence which is the same as death. This is the very thing that leo means when you need to commit suicide. @Etagnwo @Anna1 Anna I think this guy likes you with the amount of white knighting, you guys should take this business to PMs, There is nothing great or good about using the excuse "I am real and not fake" and proceeding to be obnoxious , rude, violent, etc. That's the excuse most shitty celebs are using these days to get away with all bad behavior.

So I had an existential crisis recently, I seriously considered suicide. But then I was like hey wait a second the reason I'm suicidal is because I have a shit life and no point in life. And whenever I'm socialising the deppression just melts away. So I'm doing that. And I want to be a social worker after sixth form and uni, so I can make a positive impact on the world. Especially with homelessness as this affected me and my mum. However, I'm thinking that why should I care about people and animals and the state of the world if it's all meaningless anyway and really what I'm after is satisfaction from life? It is all perfect no matter what happens as I've seen from my kensho experiences. So do I have to drop empathy and success? I mean fuckign hell. Also what is the key to being happy? What is it that really satisfies people? i know that enlightened people are really happy so why should I be a social worker if I can be a monk? Isn't my happiness the most important thing in reality? ( my reality which is the only one I have access to? ) So should I drop everything and just be a monk so I can be blissed out all the fucking time lol? Also another thing why do I need to start a family or socialise, eat or do drugs, or socialise or any material pleasure if enlightenment is the ultimate satisfaction? Wouldn't it be wise to put all my efforts into enlightenment?

When you opened your eyes on the world for the first time as a child; how brilliant the colors were; what a jewel the sun was; what marvel the stars; how incredibly alive the trees were... And to love again and again, and have people to whom we are deeply attached go to sleep and never wake up... and the laughter echoes only in one's mind... but then the echo goes... the memory, the traces are all gone. All your efforts, all your acheivements, all your attainments turning into dust, nothingness... what is the feeling? what happens to you? The idea of God as the potter, the architect of the universe, it makes you feel that life is, after all, important, that there is someone who cares. It has meaning, it has sense, and you are valuable in the eyes of the father. But after a while it got embarrassing, the superstition, the myth, the absolutely unfounded idea... why does anybody believe that? So you become an atheist, and then you feel terrible after that because you got rid of God... but that means you got rid of yourself, you're just nothing but a machine... And your idea that you're a machine is just a machine too... (a machine in the system)... So if you think that that's the way things are, you feel hostile to the world. You feel that the world is a neurological trap into which you somehow got caught... trapped... You run from the maternity ward to the crematorium and that's it... that's it... So if you're a smart kid you commit suicide. Now I want to propose another idea all together... The real you, is not a puppet which life pushes around. The real you, the real deep down you, is the whole universe. You cannot confine yourself to what happens inside the skin. Your skin doesn't separate you from the world, it's a bridge. But just as a magnet polarizes its-self in north and south but its all one magnet, so experience polarizes itself as "Self" and "Other", but it's all one. What you call the "External world" is as much YOU as your own body. Most people think that when they open they're eyes and look around that what they are seeing is outside... it seems, doesn't it, that you are behind your eyes. We haven't realized that life and death, black and white, good and evil, being and non-being, come from the same center. When you look for your own particularized center of being which is separate from everything else, you wont be able to find it. The only way you'll know it isn't there is if you look hard enough, to find out that it isn't there. It isn't there at all, there isn't a separate you. There are, in physical reality, no such things as separate events. People can't be talked out of illusions. If a person believes that the earth is flat, you can't talk him out of that, he knows that it's flat. He'll go down to the window and see that its obvious, it looks flat. So the only way to convince him that it isn't is to say, "Well let's go and find the edge".

Imagine life of a bum, what is it like? Every morning you get up dirty in some shithole. You have to beg for money and often you barely manage to get enough for even shitty food. Sometimes you starve. Everyone treats you like shit. You wash rarely in places like river or lake or if you are lucky probably under the cold water somewhere where people let you. You can't get to a warm place with a clean and soft bed and just lay down and relax. Just imagine yourself in this position, really imagine how you smell like shit and beg people for money every day because you have nothing in your life and this is the only way you can eat, at least for some time. Imagined? Do you think it's disgusting? Yes, because you are used to comfort. If you would be forced to live like that for a year and all your concerns are only about survival that will probably not shock you that much. Your smell wouldn't be such a problem when you managed to get some food after a day of starvation. You would probably get used to beg for money because you have to and won't be so ashamed anymore, this emotion will just forcefully atrophy, same shit with your smell and look. Now imagine Chester Bennington, a singer of the band called Linkin Park. What would it be like for you in his place? You probably have a great house, a great car, a dream career that you are passionate about, millions of people around the world would fucking shine if they get to meet you, your wife is a former Playboy model and you have three kids. I mean really, just imagine that many people around the world are obsessed with your character, cool, huh? Probably not that cool since he committed suicide about a year ago. What about Kurt Cobain? Merilin Monroe? Robin Williams? Now imagine one more time that a crowd of people are obsessed with you. You meet them, they want to take a picture with you, they are shining and utterly happy to talk to you. What if you have a 100 concerts a year and you meet these people every time it ends? Do you think it would be as pleasing to you as it first seemed in your imagination? Probably not. Same shit with house, car, dream creer, Playboy model. And usually if people commit suicide and don't even leave a note it means they suffer because of the devastating depression for several years. What is it like? Probably you cry almost every day, you are hopeless, you feel like shit all the time, your suicidal self-talk accompanied by total, utter emotional devastation can barely stop for a brief periods of time, you are totally used to and even sick of all the wealth that you have, it has zero positive effect on you. Is that too different from life of a bum? If you think yes than you have never been depressed as much as all those people that I listed, they fucking killed themselves, see? Do you remember this feeling of anticipation when you wait to get something like a computer, a car, a girlfriend, money or something else? Then what happens next, say, in a month? You get used to it and it's like you have always had it. Yes, it's plausible. But not so speacial anymore. I don't know why did I write this. I just had an impulse. I guess the point that I want to make is that you have to be happy with your life purpose independently of success. You don't have to wait for fascination, curiosity, desire to create like for a shipment from an internet shop. Life purpose is not something you get, it's something you give and can't keep for yourself because it burns your pocket. And also that physiological and psychological health and enlightenment are way more important than everything else. Are you ready to live a life of happy bum?

The Medicine Woman/ Rumblings of Kundalini I’m hunching over a constellation of tarot cards, spread amongst slender crystals on a small table belonging to Nicky, a medicine woman. I came on a recommendation, perhaps out of desperation, dubious but prepared to lay my doubts aside. Now, with every new insight that spills into my thought stream as we discuss the enigma before us my skepticism crumbles away crumb by crumb, and I rub my chin in stunned wonderment mumbling ‘yes, that’s right’ and ‘wow’ and ‘that makes sense’. Fantastical characters and symbols seem to arrange themselves intelligently, casting a vision of my life more clearly than I could have articulated it myself: the magician, the moon, the reaper, the high priest. We dig deeper. A new constellation exposes more secrets; we uncover a hidden pain appearing disguised in unexpected corners of my life, and its relationship to my current dilemma seems suddenly crystal clear. Our time is up, we finish and I go to the bathroom. With cool water rolling off my hands, my inner currents begin to shift. I begin to feel a cascade within me, and suddenly a deluge of emotion tears through, flooding my being. Shaking, I return downstairs. Nicky says I can stay for a while to sit with the pain, so I spend twenty minutes or so sobbing and shuddering in her garden before she comes out and puts a soothing hand on my shoulder. She suggests I lie on the grass and invite the earth to assist in my healing. I do as she says and she begins to sprinkle over me what I later learn is water collected from a sacred well. The emotions continue to churn for a while, until they gradually begin to transform into an explosion of energy radiating out from my shoulders. Nicky has me stand up, and my body convulses as if possessed. I let go as deeply as I can and allow my body to do anything it needs to. I groan, shudder, whimper and writhe. This goes on for a long time. Eventually there is a pause, and we take the opportunity to finish. I thank Nicky profusely for her compassion and time and head to the nearby woods to continue the work alone. The emotional and energetic torrent doesn’t stop for over a week. In addition to the episodes of deep hurt and the involuntary movements, which evolve into flailing arms and whole body spasms, I experience feelings of electrical, magnetic charge in my hands and neck, nosebleeds, headaches, moments of expanded perception, feelings of unity and an afternoon of feeling quite spaced out. This is enormously challenging, not least due to juggling this with my job. My work week involves responding to a heroin overdose, listening to an audio recording of live domestic abuse, and the suicide of a well-known client. I get through the week, though, and the symptoms slow down until sporadic shuddering during meditation is all I’m left with. I spend hours researching, trying to work out what happened. It appears this is the first rumblings of kundalini. Most likely, the energy radiating out from my shoulders and arms was the current spilling out from my heart chakra as the freshly loosened pain was unblocking. This is new territory for me in so many ways, and I’m still adjusting to a growing array of concepts I would have regarded as quackery only weeks or months ago. I’m embracing the learning with an open mind and heart, and embracing the journey with excitement for whatever mystery next finds me.

In 1899 Sigmund Freud got a new telephone number: 14362. He was 43 at the time, and he was profoundly disturbed by the digits in the new number. He believed they signified that he would die at age 61 (note the one and six surrounding the 43) or, at best, at age 62 (the last two digits in the number). He clung, painfully, to this bizarre belief for many years. Presumably he was forced to revise his estimate on his 63rd birthday, but he was haunted by other superstitions until the day he died—by assisted suicide, no less—at the ripe old age of 83. That's just for starters. Freud also had frequent blackouts. He refused to quit smoking even after 30 operations to correct the extensive damage he suffered from cancer of the jaw. He was a self-proclaimed neurotic. He suffered from a mild form of agoraphobia. And, for a time, he had a serious cocaine problem. So much for the father of psychoanalysis. Mental health professionals are, in general, a fairly crazy lot, at least as troubled as the general population.

Suicide, quite common! You are the monkey mind, and you're not happy with it! Simple as that!

Do you really think so? I feel psychedelics are pointless when you are fully awakened. I feel they are more for people who are more in an emergency situation in life and need a glimpse of truth before suicide? Psychedelics only ever showed me what i already knew and experienced naturally just more in a short period of time and more intense. They do help you remember the Enlightened state or confirm what you know from within(shall we say) but if you apply and live it daily, there is no need IMO.

Great point. And I agree. You can take the information without liking the source. I like some actors work, even if I do not like them as a person. But, to use this same analogy, imagine being someone who is in Germany in 1933. You see a leader as potentially dangerous. All the warning signs are there. But 90% of the people love him and following him . You're baffled by this and concerned. He's obviously a pathological liar and severely mentally ill. But, no one cares and still follows him. That's what this feels like. Obviously no one's died here (oh wait, haven't 2 people so far committed suicide based on her teachings?). What worries me most, beyond the damage she can be doing to the overall Enlightenment movement, is the potential of a Jim Jones situation. When you have a mentally ill deranged psychotic that is held as a spiritual leader and has millions of followers (and Teal does have millions of followers), history has shown that never ever ends well. I see that potential in Teal. I can care less if some of her words are inspirational.

Hey everyone. I know this is a super old thread. But, someone on this Forum suggested a video by Teal Swan. I had never heard of her, so I watched some of her videos. I was immediately put off by her. Though it seemed like she was massively popular with people. One of her main videos was 2 hours of her countering claims that she is fraud. So I dug a little deeper, into what the controversy was about. I was shocked at what I found. This girl has serious issues. Watch this video. People have committed suicide based on her words. She claims to heal the sick, talk to the dead, talk to aliens. She claims to have been sewn up into a corpse (which is physically impossibly). She claims to have watched 6 children be murdered, yet no arrests. It's alarming that she has over 500,000 followers on youtube. And most of the comments here are favorable. Seems obvious to me she has psychotic traits, as well as narcissistic personality disorder. The lying, the delusions of grandeur. What scares me most, is this is becoming the norm for Spiritual leaders. For every Leo, there seems to be 10 nutjobs that are only getting into teaching spirituality for their own nefarious gains. There was the spiritual teacher that just got arrested for duping his female followers into sex slavery and branded them with his own initials. The real tragedy, is all these con artists are what the general pubic associates with the words 'Spirituality' or 'Enlightenment'. So when someone legit wants to teach, the majority of the public may avoid them, thinking that that teacher may be a con. It sets the whole evolution of humanity back. To me, that's the real harm of these can artists. Let alone, all the people they physically and emotionally harm in their strive for personal power over others. And for those of you here that are looking for more spiritual teachers, please do some research before investing emotionally in them. People like Teal Swan are dangerous for a multitude of reasons.

@Arman This song has saved my life numerous times especially the second verse ”Suicide? nah, I’m not a foolish guy, don’t even feel like drinking or even getting high, cuz all that’s gonna do real is accelerate the anxieties that I wish I could alleviate” man... thats from the heart...