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Hello everyone, my name is M4sti for you, and i am coming from Greece. i am 27 years old. The past two years of my life, i am trying as hard as i can to find a path for me. And i decided this is the best site to make a shot at, after long time of investigation and thinking. I lived all the other years of my life being the ultimate impersonation of nihilism while not being conscious about it the whole time, all resulting from a period of my 15-17 where i had severe depression , panic attacks and extreme psyschosomatic symptoms, resulting from??(Ego blames narcissistic parenting). Some symptoms nature was so physical and real that still to this day i can not believe how the mind had created them without a pathological problem in the backround, i remember one day , after every 3-4 heartbeats, and so with the third or fourth heartbeat i was feeling the blood going through my necks veins with so much density and bulkiness that someone could see the veins are throbbing from 30 metres with naked eye, i put my hand to my chest and no surprise, this was happening because the heart , again, every 3-4 heartbeats, was stopping for maybe even up to 1.2-1.3 seconds and then it was giving a beat so hard that would throw my hand away from it. When this happened i had already visited any doctor possible i already knew the response of me complaining about this stuff is gonna be mockery and anger from my enviroment. I gave up everything, i gave up life completely and my ego was constructed in such a way were nothing was a goal anymore, it was just day in day out, eat, sleep, movies, porn, video games a tone, you get the notion. I remember this stories every time my Ego's current situation gets cornered , same thing happened when i dropped the university were somehow i endend up with no real intentions , after spending years doing nothing the time had come , and the truth was gonna be revealed, i was not doing anything there , absolutely anything else than satisfying this sick Ego, and letting the familly know would lead to qonsequences that it would not like. Then the insanity unfolded, i created a story, a story to blame everyone else instead of myself, to keep this as short as possible, 1) I concluded that mother is the ultimate narcissist and is ressponsible for me being this way and for my earlier psychosis. 2) As if this was not even enough i started making insane thoughts that all the symptoms were physically imposed by her to me , this is called Mynchausen by Proxy when a caregive intentionally causes harm to the one he is responsible for in order to gain sympathy attention etc. from now on i will speak for both of this thoughts that i have and why they make appeal to me(2nd) and absolutely certainty for first. 1)Before it all spontaneously happened i was actually fearless, the roles were reversed, mother was worrying about my health, and i was making fun of her, the thought that something can happen to me never ever crossed my mind. 2)This syndrome is way more common among narcissists.And people who were neglected by their own parents, for the first, no i am not clinical psychologist and this test needs two years, but i bet everything, if the best doctor came out and said she is not, he does not have aproxximately an infinite amount of information i do have on her through my life. For the second part , she told me the story of my grandies neglecting (exact word ) her... she failed suicide 2 times by extremely luck , for some reasons she only trusted that to me and nobody else knows. 3) First day of the events, look now some insane coinsidences, i was not allowed for no reason to sleep at the bottom house(and repeatedly) (every other time it was no problem). Started feeling unease, tried to communicate her from my bed to the other room where she was in, it was 30 past midnight,she was awake, i did not know what was happening to me i was feeling very weird, my heart was beating very fast, a bit of sweat, and an alteration of aweress which is hard to describe presicely. She guessed it, tachycardia, said yes, she told my father, after a while i started having spasms in my whole body and i went to the hospital, did all the checks and everything was fine. 4) Meets the bahaviour of the incentive. All the time, every time she got first talk to the doctors, sided the doctors, spoke for my symptoms for me instead of me, "nah he is prolly feeling this and not describing it well" "he is just a bit tired and nervous", by changing the tone of the voice down 5 notch softer(PSYCHOPATH)(does this all the time even now when she has to change from personal (to us,familly) to social(everybody else). Was on the phone with every single friend of her for hours, talking about how poor little thing is having a mental break down, and how hard it is to care for him and what she was going through, in front of me, who was supposed to be going through nothing.. , to me it looked like she was looking for this, for everyone to tell her how hard this is, she was chasing it, no way was focusing on the problem itself. 5) Physicality of symptoms as i explained before, after all of this i had tachykardia for the rest of my life, but wait a minute, there is a huge difference, there was something extremely mechanical in the first few times, specially the second and the third, it was looking purely mechanical, i was litterally not feeling bad or anything, i would feel my heart beating like crazy without feeling anxious, and i would change position in the bed to maybe make it stop as it was something trivial( was told was fine after first time in hospital). 6) History of early childhood, poor boy , seeing it from my point of view now i can see more clearly ,i was under a 22 year old woman who tried to kill herself just 5 years ago.Guess she was in no position to raise a child,not to talk about emotional stability. 1) So what do i have here that makes my mind go wild, i remember having nightmares with my own mother, i dont know if i was even 3-4 years old, this dream felt like reality, it had a vivid feeling it was lucid , some guys broke into our house, and they came to kill her, and they did, then her spirit came over the place i was normally sleeping but feeling awake, and told me that this happened because of me, that it is my fault. And i felt like shit. 2) This one is beyond crazy , beyond, what i know for sure is that my mother was sitting in the living room discussing with her friend and i entered the place, and i said something , i said the word that means slut , i am very young there still, 4 years maybe, but i have another vivid memory, this all came to me when i was trying meditation for first time and self-hypnosis, i originally had forgotten about this incident at all , something told me that she set it up, as a memory, her spelling in my ears while i was playing with some toys, that when *** comes to the house, come and say "slut". It ended up with me getting a slap so hard its impossible to forget, the other woman was stunished, she said are you fucking crazy how you hit the child like that, my mother said, well you dont know what he said, he called me a slut, i left the room, but if i am not sure of the memory of her putting the words to me, i remember super clearly that i had no clue of what happened and why, as if i did absolutely nothing to deserve that , and not knowing the value of the word. 3) I was sleeping in the same bed with her, i was having a bad dream that i do not remember, and what i did was, i grabbed her hair and started pulling her violently (not conscious of reason) , she woke up in shock and asked what the fuck i was doing, i said i thought it was brother, 3 years younger, which for some reason i thought until my adolescense it was perfectly fine to hit him at every chanse until we grew a lot older , you see i was already a devil. 4) 3 incidents of hallucinations that are extremely hard to explain their causes. 2 of them when i was 7-8. It was all starting with a fever , then my head was in pain, mother did put me in bed, i was not conscious that i was human by that time , i was hearing airplanes and bombs , radio playing some weird incoherent speech, but all this sounds were not normal the sound field was altered heavily, making it look impossible to distinguish sources of sounds with sound itself, it was like sound as a sensation was covering the 90% of the awerness, the visual field was messed up as well, the ceiling was half ceiling half sky sometimes random objects will fly trhough that space , there where black colors like objects constantly changing their position and size by vibrating violently all over the place, covering the whole 3d visual field, meaning that i could see 15 of them between me and what it seemed to be ceiling.Yes of course mother was aware of that, and when i told her if there was war on the Tv i just remember a small laugh and asking me why i ask that then nothing. The other one i dont remember when it was, maybe close days by, maybe same day even. I was again at the bed , consiousness was extremely altered than normal and than the previous incident, the state of this concsiousness is just undesrcibable, but i have an event , i tried to reach the door, i was feeling that i had to go for toilet, but something crazy happened, when i walked throuth the carpet, i got stuck, i was moving my feet to walk, but it seemed like there was no floor, or the carpet was slipping infinitely below my feet, like this joke you see in comics where somebody is staying in the same place because instead of him moving forward the carpet beneath his feet is taking the motion. and it lasted for one minute or so, i also noticed while i was stucked in the same place, with my altered consciousness and awerness that my movements were mental projections, and that my body was actually still the whole time like by purpose, so i was seeing 2 hands, and 2 other legs that were emerging from the body and were trying to move and one other body that was still, and i started to run, and the legs and hands were going faster and faster but they were not the hands and legs of the "real body i guess?" they had no control, the real body was staying there like it was frozen and nobody was inside it to do something., but there was no visual distinction between the extensions, they were looking exactly the same, even though everything was lookingextremely different than normal already. I fell down , i got up and finally opened the door and felt like i was inside the body and in control again, went back to sleep because...there is nothing else possible to do in this state i guess and then i cant remember what happened next. The last one i was older,like 10, i was at school and i had a crazy headache, i asked permission to leave but got denied, when i went for house after some hours i dropped to my bed feeling sick, i was dreaming about video games, i woke up and had double vission, and dizziness, my mother was on the floor, that stance where you use the wall to keep your back up and your legs straight on the floor, she told me where i was going, i said toilet but she got triggered imidiately, i was seeing everything double, when i tried to get back to the bed i lost consciousness completely, i woke up lying on the couch, and my mom was calling my father to rush home because i collapsed, and stayed this way for 5 minutes, she said my eyes rolled back and stayed open for a while , showing completely white, what is crazy here is that when i woke up, i was feeling like i could go for football just for fun or do anything , no scared, no bad mood, not anxious , nothing, i was saying to her to calm down and that i am fine. Everything just magically dissapeared somehow and i was completely healthy from not being able to speak coherently. 5) This woman has shown psychotic behaviour that if she was to be played by an actor the actor would suicide faster than Ledger. i guess you should have guessed by now that she was extremely physical when we were younger, i remember her stinging my brother with her hand while cringing her teeth like a total psycho and i got scared not for him but she could break her own teeth for real, like she was drawing energy from his pain, one time it felt like she became another self, a self that was 5 years old and for like 10 seconds the act was unconceivable to my mind, it was litterally what happened , what the hell was this there was no reaction possible to do, our familly is a madhouse in denial, we meet all the criteria for the narcissistic familly, the father is just her pawn, he is just absent and not enganging with anything ,unless she says something must happen, then he just bends to her will like he is not even a real person. + a tone but this already got huge. When i got interested, like 3 years ago to investigate this again , and snapped out of my filthy pleasure cycle. I just said, ok i can see, maybe all that happened is because of our relationship, and the way she treated me, all the dissonanse , the injustice, the feeling why the hell is this happening, this is not how familly is supposed to be, all the projection she does on me, blaming my character etc, i said ok i understand , i just need a plan to escape all of this now and do something for me, and forgive, but when i thought of the case of the intention, i lost my mind completely, everything came to surface, i had done nothing for myself, no studies no self investment no work not skills, ultimately nothing, and my mind started believing it , i believed that there was intention from her by medicince or what the hell, and i went blank, for first time i realized how suicide was possible, i thought there is no way someone can suicide in almost under any circumstanse, but my feet like they were seperate for me, they wanted to move for the balcony, i could not believe , it was the hardest urge to resists ever, i went out for a walk , the next days were horrible. No matter what is the truth of this story, no matter who is ressponsible. This is the place where i finally found some peace, channels like Leo's , Teal Swan, the term meditation and getting some knowledge around it by itself, Alan Watts, i would have been done for completely, because no matter what is truth after all, i would never see it like this, i would have lost the game completely, for me it is sure that my Ego is the devil, thats the last thing i would have thought by myself, basically i would never seperate myself from it, thats more important i think, because in the end i was already bashing my Ego but through the perspective of the Ego. It feels like my mission is to kill my potential in every way possible or even myself, even if "others" tried i only helped them. That is the best description of my reality at this moment, there is no better languange possible to use, a languange that atheists and most people do not use to describe reality very often. By the way the tone of this writting, has not big emotional invenstement in it even if it looks like so, i describe everything as if i am seeing it from third person perspective now. It is more a matter of wondering, contemplation, what does it all mean, so i can use it only for benefit in the future, it is just a story that i can get aware of its meaning , and if i get aware of it i will just move on, and live at now. But there is really nobody to discuss this with. There is this bitterness, the kid had potential, like real potential, i was writting sentences at 3 years old, i was reading , i trolled my father intentionally , i went in front of him and read the newspaper backwards without mumbling a bit and he started running like crazy screaming. They told me i was a genius, not smart, they said i was special, i was years ahead of my peers and i should skip classes. But the virus was already there, and it was growing and growing under my awerness. Now i feel like a low consciousness abomination in comparrison to what i should have been by now, i feel my IQ is 1/10 of what could have been , my life experiences my skills everything. I tried to make something happen, i had an idea , i started playing Poker with the dream of making it big, and doing the great escape, and maybe even a comeback later, that was it, if i can make this, i can use the money to study something i like, or live a life the way that i like by being independent, but through that mind state and psychology i was in , compined with how hard of a sport it is , the time and mental invenstment it needs for mastery, let alone the money that i do not have. It is a miracle how it did not destroy me even further, i was into it, it was another addiction, i stopped video games that made me tilt and go monkey and replaced it with Poker. All and all i made about 10.000$. Which i spend on survival needs and rent. So there is only one work to do, and that is self-invenstment, and it looks like this is what this forum is about.Even with my limited knowledge as a newbie i have experienced how the mind can change in a profound way , when i follow my simple meditation for a week or so, 1 hour per day, i am already something else and completely changed, i feel calmer, less neurotic,maybe it makes sense that if you are in the bottom it could be beginers gains. I have a programm and a plan, involving a lots of work. Fixing my sleep schedule, fitness, health, studying about spirituality, working on spirituality, studying poker, working on poker, pretty much same goes for everything and lot more. Any advice would be helpfull,ir you can ask anything you like. I would like to see what you think of all of this and what is your interpetantion

I want to self-actualize myself yet in my house with my parents, I feel pressured to lie about my identity and hide my true opinions, feelings and lifestyle from them. I love 80's rock,try to practice spirituality sometimes and sometimes see the world through a non-dual lense Yet, through this progression, I'm always pulled back to egoism, lying, scheming, manipulation, anger, sweating, cursing, negativity, sometimes breaking things and/or punching myself out of anger, and extreme anxiety, boredom, unsatisfaction and fear. Because of the fact that my parents are so demanding that we live and breath strict right wing conservative Christian values, and act like dictators in that, Bags and rooms are sometimes searched for weed and threatened to be kicked out if found out. Never allowed to voice my own opinions, thaughts on things or voice disagreement. 1. Freedom of speech is banned 2. There is NO freedom of religion or freedom from discrimination based on religion 3. Protection from unwarranted search and seizure 4. Freedom of belief or world view 5. Right to Criticize or peacefully protest You are always pressed and searched before we go out anywhere, Where we're going, how long we'll be out, what time we'll be home, what in my pockets, what did I buy? It's just so frustrating! And I always feel suffocated and like I have to lie. And also, sometimes I do wonder if I am a bi-sexial guy and if I could experiment. That's obviously not something I can talk about either considering I'd probably be kicked out for just asking. And lastly, I feel too ashamed and guilty to even meditate or be spiritual because I sometimes feel like I'm just spitting on the face of spirituality through all my lying scheming manipulating swearing cursing and letting my anger get to me at times. The reason I put this in the self actualization column and not family situation is that I want advice for how I can effectively be me and self actualize while still not having to worry about my parents kick me out. Because I'm fairly sure if that happens, my entire life will be over as in, I may any hope for a good future, end up homeless not wanting to be taken in by my friends for too long or maybe, maybe... Be so devastated I'd commit physical suicide.

What about when suffering ends up leading to suicide? Again, pain is not suffering. Physical survival has nothing to do with suffering, you merely think it does. We survive only because we're blessed. That's all. Suffering can be just a part of the path, it's not necessary at all. Suffering is still an assumption. Moaning does not necessarily mean suffering. It can mean anything, but suffering is your interpretation. I have personally cried many times out of joy and ecstasy. Suffering is irrelevant to physical survival, it's just an egoic strategy for egoic survival. Nothing has to do anything with survival but pure luck or bless. Because if the purpose of anything was survival, then we wouldn't ever die.

@Leo Gura I just can't see in any way shape or form how this solipsistic understanding brings you joy. My mother is just a fucking hallucination I'm making up. I wish I could die eternally and never create anything again if that's really the case. Is eternal suicide possible? If so, I want that more than a drowning man wants air.

That the negative talk of my mid take total control of my self and I ended commiting suicide

Day 30 [6/20/2019] - Challenge Completed!!! I DID IT!!! I FOUND THE HIDDEN TREASURE THE BUDDHA TALKED ABOUT! -.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-. Summary I feel healthy for the first time in about 15-16 fucking years. It was as if I was in "airplane mode" the whole time. I could never be fully present, because I had an unresolved trauma that triggered recurrent depressive episodes throughout my years and early adult years. -.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-. Background I have been into self-development for 11 years. Here's my "curriculum": Omg, a lot of stuff, huh? I was so desperate... Anyway, all of these things were an attempt to heal. Never would I have thought of that the solution would be simply going to a fucking psychiatrist. I thought they were "evil". But, truth to be told, most of them suck-balls. At some point in my life, between the ages of 17-21, I desperately sought Spiritual Enlightenment, and let me tell you: If I what I have been feeling in this past month is not Enlightenment; then, I don't even want whatever that is. PS: I will write a book called: "How I Got Enlightened Through Taking Anti-Psychotic Medication" -.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-. Results: This new medication (which I will not say the name for safety reasons) is doing me wonders. It is bringing me back to a healthy state of mind and body. > I am sleeping much better. I now have a repairing night of sleep. > I am much more focused and concentrated. > I do not feel overwhelming fear and sadness (the technical name is pathological). > I am much more organized, but not in a neurotic way. It is something organic and natural. > I am much more confident that I ever was, but again, in a healthy way. I do not think I am God or that I am flawless (this would characterize an maniac episode). > My social anxiety has vanished. > For the first time, after many attempts, I am doing psychotherapy and it is being very productive. So from now on, I do not tolerate people who bash on psychiatric medication. If you want me to expand on any of these benefits, reply to this topic -.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-. Future I still haven't decided whether I will keep posting here or not. I really like @Joseph Maynor's style of creating new journals with different titles and topics. I might experiment with that... But either way, my next 30-day challenge will be to Keep Track of My Weight. I plan to write down the "rules" of the challenge today or tomorrow. And I want to create a new journal by Monday June 24th, 2019. -.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-. Final Considerations Thank you, everyone, for reading this journal! I will leave you guys with a bitter pill from Kay Redfield Jamison, one of the most respected authorities in Maniac-Depressive Disorder. This is especially for whoever knows something is not right in the life, for whoever went through severe emotional trauma and now can't trust anyone, for feels like is not worth-living: If you can relate to the description above, I suppose deep down you know you have some sort of disorder (depression, suicide ideation, social anxiety, bipolar, etc.). At the same time, I also assume you might still be in denial. That was certainly my case for many years. I thought that self-development, self-help, or meditation would "heal" me somehow. In reality, all of these things -- which I was quite obsessive about -- did more harm than good. But, anyway, thanks for reading about my story! It was a pleasure to write about how I tamed my depression (at least for now ). Remember: there is treatment and there is hope! But, again, don't think you'll get out of this quagmire of suffering by yourself (that is, by watching YT videos, or reading some "spiritual books, or doing some crazy-ass meditation). Btw - The fact that the last day of the challenge, and very likely of this journal, was in the Summer Solstice was a pretty neat synchronicity. May you all be well, healthy, and happy... and, why not, Spiritually Enlightened!

Is this in response to my question whether kundalini awakening can kill you right away? Then I wasn't precise. I didn't mean whether it can kill the ego (because this can of course happen, furtunately:) ) but whether it can directly kill the body (and thus the ego along with it) (and with directly I exclude indirect ways like suicide due to not being able to handle the awakening)

@Peo Sit down and don't have sex for 6 months. And suffer through the hell of not getting what you want. There is no shortcut here. You're gonna have to suffer until that ego finally gives up and dies. The ego will not just give up its most important desires without massive struggle. To achieve this you're basically talking about giving up your entire life. It's harder than suicide. Which is why virtually no body does it. The solution is the very thing you've been avoiding your whole life: death.

Think they meant it to be a fictional story. What interests me is that this idea of IV drip and being able to be fully nondual for 24 hours+ is beginning to take off. I had an idea awhile ago about opening up a clinic somewhere like Costa Rica. Partner with registered nurses and doctors, where they medically administer IV drip of 5-MeO. There could be a pre-session explain what to expect, and a post-session teaching how to integrate what was experienced. Could be marketed as a suicide prevention retreat center. "Die before you die". But the larger picture would be legitimizing such profound Nondual experiences. With the expectation it would catch on and see thousands per year. You want to change the world, I could see this as one of the best ways.

It's hard to really give any advice or respond to your post unless you were more specific. It seems you are talking about thoughts of self harm / suicide here? I encourage you to reach out for help in a more accessible way. There are people that want to help you if you let them be that giving advice or relating with your story or receiving counselling.

@Aldo Life is a big escape from death. No matter what you do in life, you are running away from death. Even suicide is meant to be an escape from pain which is translated subconsciously to death. So, the question is: where do you want to escape to? Think about that, let your heart lead the way, perhaps the best thing to do is to integrate both.

So I'm hallucinating this whole thing. Leo, my family and the entire universe. Nothing more than fake hallucinations with no more life to them than a video on a screen or character in a computer game. I really can't do anything with my life any more as there is nobody to benefit from anything I do. I don't even know why I'm making this post to be honest. Every day I feel nothing. I no longer know how to feel love or joy as there is nothing to achieve and no goal any more. I am absolutely stuck now, suicide is no option and there are no options. I wouldn't say that I'm suffering, there is just no emotion now apart from great fear in the morning. I used to think that we are all pure consciousness, we are all in this mind and when a person awakens, a little bit of that one mind awakens and the whole thing was working to know itself and once the whole mind awakens to its true essence, it was nirvana for eternity. It's not like that. Once I know myself, I just start the cycle again from the stages of primordial sludge and all the misery continues ad infinitum. How the hell do I work with that?

These are the ones i came up so far, feel free to add ones you found, and discuss these: Facing your Fear-> goes against all of our body's mechanisms for safety and survival, literally the opposite of survival Suicide-> self explanatory the ACT of meditation, not the habit-> during the act itself of meditating, basically were overriding our survival instincts by letting go of thoughts we were meant to cling onto, letting go of emotions, in the case of strong determination sits you resist the urges to adjust your posture, move your limbs slightly, etc. This is just referring to pure meditation, because sometimes we do get caught up in monkey mind, sometimes we to unconsciously adjust our back, etc, but were not meditating during that instant. The habit of mediation can be seen as survival since we see it as a self improvement method or as a way to enlightenment, which is to seek the moment when suffering stops. Unconditional Love-> I intellectually know that this isnt survival since to have unconditional love you stop caring what will happen but i dont fully understand it since i havent experienced it yet

@Nahm I really like creation too (ha ha - baby part, so true). I can't think of anything else.... except maybe the willingness to die (not in the suicide sense, but ways like: complete openness to physical death at the end of life, or openness to ego death at any point)

Studying, pondering and looking within myself and seeing the layers upon layers of contradictions, loose ends, faultlines and loopholes; it astonishes me how this whole 'thing' is still in one piece. I mean the whole world. I am astonished how anything functions at all! Given that 99% of people having no clue there is such a thing as meta knowledge. I mean its sooooo easy to poke and break people into ashes from inside out considering how flimsy and dreamlike sand castles our fabricated identities are. It astonishes me how come people seem to get together for few hours without raping and slitting each others throats, how people live in a family for decades without murdering each others, how suicide is not happening in billions, how people are not running outside naked in mass frenzy consumed by gnawing madness, how people dont just smash their heads open against the wall, how they dont pick out the eyeballs of their children and cook it so on and so forth. An absolute benevolent force is indeed operating. Yeah the abovementioned 'scary' cases do happen once in while, but yet there is this astonishing miracle holding it all together. Its a miracle people 'think' they are happy and happiness is possible tomorrow, its a miracle things still feel 'stable' in spite of few hiccups here and there. Its a miracle how everything is still maintained and conducted on time and schedule year after year...as if some almighty force is keeping everyone straight in line by firmly sticking its hand up everyone's butt. Its a miracle! And of course if spoken from plain, honest experience, all of it is my imagination. It is all held together because I have still held it all together

@Preetom Murder, violence, suicide and madness IS happening every day all over the world, and is getting worse. This is due to the rejection of the thing holding us all together you talk about and letting the mind rule. Our minds are getting more and more monkey like as our access to knowledge and information increases. Why do you think we need forums like this?

As Leo said, Ralston does not realize love as fundamental so it's not quite the same. For example, many very experienced meditators say that Nirvana is just blackout cassation and they want to get off the wheel of life and rebirth to eternal no experience which they consider the best possible scenario. Bill Hamilton use to say that Buddhism is like "cosmic suicide" club, how radical that is? These realizations are very different from what Leo talks about. What if this is precisely what full ego death means and most egos just can't handle it and want to be in some non-dual state after death - start to believe in eternal live etc.

Now this is perhaps some elementary question in the PD community and the more I read Actualized the more I get the feeling that nothing really matters I think I may not be very evolved yet but all I know from my own experience, is that for most people and myself included, having a purpose or a meaning in what one does or in ones life is very important to mental well being. And that has been proven all over. (e.g. Logotherapy or the general mass delusion of following what you are told and the long term consequences of that shit). Being myself in this quagmire of enduring a meaningless but reasonably paying job that now also violates some of my principles and which is almost impossibly to give up without committing some kind of family-suicide, it becomes evident that it is just not healthy to carry on this way. I can accept what is happening all day long and go along with it but this either a subconscious problem or something more. And it will come back to bite you. Misery, illnesses, regrets... Now technically one could imagine that your purpose and the meaning that you associates to activities is a pure construction of the ego in order to boast one's self importance and do-gooding in the world and feel good about it. Might as well leave your marble bust behind... But now we come to the spiritual side of it, are we all endowed with a purpose or alternatively is the activity we feel to be meaningful something that was given to us as an individual somehow? After distilling the meaning conundrum down to its basics one almost always comes to the point where service to the community or to humanity will be regarded almost universally as a”meaningful” pursuit. I can feel it... most of you will. If I do stuff for others and it helps it feels good. If I am selfish with my family it feels ok for a minute but not in the long term Now isn't that interesting? It appears that there is more behind that, the selflessness – meaning connections is somewhat intriguing. What I also feel curious about (a parallel form the meaning issue) is our so very diversified interests. I see it with my children who had very different interests. From the time they could speak they knew what they liked. Same for me, I liked planes and radios and some technical stuff. Until this very day I do not know why it attracts my curiosity... I cannot figure it out! I was told I pointed my fingers to the sky before I could talk. Isn't that strange? Now many people (I think it perhaps started with Nietzsche, and I may be totally wrong) have said if you don't see a meaning you have to detect it in yourself. Go inside and you shall find it. Now this is a perhaps a very spiritual or even mystical activity and it totally contradicts the ego hypothesis. Now with spiritual I associate something that gives you that kind of inner peace that you wouldn't experience otherwise. A connection to the higher... meaning???? Hence I think Meaning and Purpose is connected to something higher than Ego. What's your take?

Iv been meditation everyday, often multiple times a day for 3,5years. I dont see any benefit at all. I use the technique of letting all thoughts go and im good at it. But the cake seems like a massive lie. Is this normal? Leo said in a video that after 10 years you see a massive change. But why dont i see any now? Im not less irretated. Im not less stressed. Im super depressed until the point of contemplating suicide.

Can be ego backslash. Those thoughts about suicide are not yours either. Just let them go too. When you begin to meditate the ego will fight a lot, maybe you are still stuck fighting against the ego. The ego cannot be fought, you only have to observe it and learn his mechanisms to keep you in the matrix. Probably you are crossing what is called The Dark Night of the Soul. That's why it says in the Psalms "Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me." This "walk through a dark valley" is the path of enlightenment that you are going through. You will cross dark valleys to be free.

With the rise of democracy, the identification of the State with society has been redoubled, until it is common to hear sentiments expressed which violate virtually every tenet of reason and common sense such as, "we are the government." The useful collective term "we" has enabled an ideological camouflage to be thrown over the reality of political life. If "we are the government," then anything a government does to an individual is not only just and untyrannical but also "voluntary" on the part of the individual concerned. If the government has incurred a huge public debt which must be paid by taxing one group for the benefit of another, this reality of burden is obscured by saying that "we owe it to ourselves"; if the government conscripts a man, or throws him into jail for dissident opinion, then he is "doing it to himself" and, therefore, nothing untoward has occurred. Under this reasoning, any Jews murdered by the Nazi government were not murdered; instead, they must have "committed suicide," since they were the government (which was democratically chosen), and, therefore, anything the government did to them was voluntary on their part. One would not think it necessary to belabor this point, and yet the overwhelming bulk of the people hold this fallacy to a greater or lesser degree. Murray Rothbard quote

Day 13 [6-4-2019] I went to my psychiatrist today with my mom. It was a very productive conversation. I can clearly see what depression is. I know how it feels in the body. And the medication I am taking is preventing it to happen. All the years I spent studying about Personal Development were useless in a way, because I had depression. And depression makes it impossible for any progress to happen. I used to think medication was "bad". I thought it didn't work. But it does. I took a nap and woke up feeling much better, but my neck and shoulders were really tensed up. I feel a little bit fat, but that's okay. I know I will sooner or later get back to my natural body shape. I feel very attractive lately. I feel like I am glowing. And it's not something I have to think about. I think this has a lot to do with coming out as gay. Not that I will get lost in this label, but just the fact that I have said to the world that I am into guys feels so liberating. I have a consultation with my psychologist on Friday. I think it will be a very good conversation. I know she can help me heal the trauma of my parents' divorce. I contacted my old keyboard teacher, and I think I will have classes with him again. I want to take my car's license by September. Nothing seems to be impossible. I am not on cloud nine, thinking I am invincible or something. It's just a realization that with the right help, I can achieve incredible results in my life, and impact the world positively. I have been talking with a guy who lives relatively close to me. It's very easy to talk with him. And I'd date him. But I am trying not have so much expectation. But I hope to meet him soon. He's pretty and easy-going. "Grief comes and goes, but depression is unremitting" ~ Kay Redfield Jamison "Manic-depression distorts moods and thoughts, incites dreadful behaviors, destroys the basis of rational thought, and too often erodes the desire and will to live. It is an illness that is biological in its origins, yet one that feels psychological in the experience of it, an illness that is unique in conferring advantage and pleasure, yet one that brings in its wake almost unendurable suffering and, not infrequently, suicide." ~ Kay Redfield Jamison "I wish I could explain it so someone could understand it. I'm afraid it's something I can't put into words. There's just this heavy, overwhelming despair - dreading everything. Dreading life. Empty inside, to the point of numbness. It's like there's something already dead inside. My whole being has been pulling back into that void for months. (81)" ~ Kay Redfield Jamison "When people are suicidal, their thinking is paralyzed, their options appear spare or nonexistent, their mood is despairing, and hopelessness permeates their entire mental domain. The future cannot be separated from the present, and the present is painful beyond solace. ‘This is my last experiment,’ wrote a young chemist in his suicide note. ‘If there is any eternal torment worse than mine I’ll have to be shown." ~ Kay Redfield Jamison "I have often asked myself whether, given the choice, I would choose to have manic-depressive illness. If lithium were not available to me, or didn't work for me, the answer would be a simple no... and it would be an answer laced with terror. But lithium does work for me, and therefore I can afford to pose the question. Strangely enough, I think I would choose to have it. It's complicated." ~ Kay Redfield Jamison "I am tired of hiding, tired of misspent and knotted energies, tired of the hypocrisy, and tired of acting as though I have something to hide." ~ Kay Redfield Jamison "Anybody who's had to contend with mental illness - whether it's depression, bipolar illness or severe anxiety, whatever - actually has a fair amount of resilience in the sense that they've had to deal with suffering already, personal suffering." ~ Kay Redfield Jamison "Others imply that they know what it is like to be depressed because they have gone through a divorce, lost a job, or broken up with someone. But these experiences carry with them feelings. Depression, instead, is flat, hollow, and unendurable. ... You're frightened, and you're frightening, and you're 'not at all like yourself but will be soon,' but you know you won't." ~ Kay Redfield Jamison "Far too many doctors-many of them excellent physicians-commit suicide each year; one recent study concluded that, until quite recently, the United States lost annually the equivalent of a medium-sized medical school class from suicide alone. Most physician suicides are due to depression or manic-depressive illness, both of which are eminently treatable. Physicians, unfortunately, not only suffer from a higher rate of mood disorders than the general population, they also have a greater access to very effective means of suicide." ~ Kay Redfield Jamison "I think that when you're depressed, you can't concentrate long enough and well enough to read for the most part; some people can, but by and large people - that's one of the first things that goes, is the capacity to read meaningful literature. With grief, that's not true. For a while you can't read, but then you really are amenable to solace." ~ Kay Redfield Jamison "The awareness of the damage done by severe mental illness—to the individual himself and to others—and fears that it may return again play a decisive role in many suicides" ~ Kay Redfield Jamison "Others would say to me, 'It is only temporary, it will pass, you will get over it,' but of course they had no idea how I felt, although they were certain that they did. Over and over and over I would say to myself, If I can't feel, if I can't move, if I can't think, and I can't care, then what conceivable point is there in living?" ~ Kay Redfield Jamison "I have had manic-depressive illness, also known as bipolar disorder, since I was 18 years old. It is an illness that ensures that those who have it will experience a frightening, chaotic and emotional ride. It is not a gentle or easy disease." ~ Kay Redfield Jamison "I think wanting to write is a fundamental sign of disease and discomfort. I don't think people who are comfortable want to write." ~ Kay Redfield Jamison "It is tempting when looking at the life of anyone who has committed suicide to read into the decision to die a vastly complex web of reasons; and, of course, such complexity is warranted. No one illness or event causes suicide; and certainly no one knows all, or perhaps even most, of the motivations behind the killing of the self. But psychopathology is almost always there, and its deadliness is fierce. Love, success, and friendship are not always enough to counter the pain and destructiveness of severe mental illness" ~ Kay Redfield Jamison "No pill can help me deal with the problem of not wanting to take pills; likewise, no amount of psychotherapy alone can prevent my manias and depressions. I need both. It is an odd thing, owing life to pills, one's own quirks and tenacities, and this unique, strange, and ultimately profound relationship called psychotherapy" ~ Kay Redfield Jamison "Every seventeen minutes in America, someone commits suicide. Mostly, I have been impressed by how little value our society puts on saving the lives of those who are in such despair as to want to end them. It is a societal illusion that suicide is rare. It is not." ~ Kay Redfield Jamison "One of things so bad about depression and bipolar disorder is that if you don't have prior awareness, you don't have any idea what hit you." ~ Kay Redfield Jamison "I remember sitting in his office a hundred times during those grim months and each time thinking, 'What on earth can he say that will make me feel better or keep me alive?' Well, there never was anything he could say, that's the funny thing. It was all the stupid, desperately optimistic, condescending things he didn't say that kept me alive; all the compassion and warmth I felt from him that could not have been said; all the intelligence, competence, and time he put into it; and his granite belief that mine was a life worth living." ~ Kay Redfield Jamison "I decided early in graduate school that I needed to do something about my moods. It quickly came down to a choice between seeing a psychiatrist or buying a horse. Since almost everyone I knew was seeing a psychiatrist, and since I had an absolute belief that I should be able to handle my own problems, I naturally bought a horse." ~ Kay Redfield Jamison

@Rilles It's also survival because as Leo has explained, suicide is dying so that, in a twisted way, one's ego and beliefs can stay intact and "survive".

Ironically, suicide is usually an act motivated by survival. It is motivated by suffering. And suffering is survival.

Suffering is a teacher. Suicide is an option.. I can only speak for myself. Suicide comes from a place of fear and it's about running away. Living comes from a place of the heart/love and it is our true nature to be.