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grandiosity and depression. I'm currently reading "The Drama of the Gifted Child" by Alice Miller, which discusses the origins of grandiosity and depression (both of which I had/have). Her theory is this: if the newborn does not receive proper love and mirroring from his mother in the early stages of life, his sense of self will be damaged. He will try to compensate through either an outward yearning for attention (grandiosity) or an inward denial of feelings (depression). Either method results in what John Bradshaw calls "soul murder" - the growing child represses his authentic self and flaunts his false self in order to receive love from his mother and survive the family environment. In the long run, this doesn't work, because the child receives love only for his false self, thus dooming the child to perpetual feelings of emptiness, futility, and frustration - even outside of the family environment. "Why doesn't anybody understand me? Why can't anyone love me for who I truly am?" He asks. The answer is: Because he doesn't understand himself and he doesn't know himself. With this new perspective, I can see my entire childhood through the lens of grandiosity and depression: I tried to be a perfect student with mostly straight A's. Whenever I received bad grades, I went into deep depression. I tried to be the independent one of my family so my parents could focus their time on my older brothers, one of them being autistic. I denied my own need for acknowledgement/love/attention. Nowadays, I crave it so much, but the moment I have it I can't accept it because I've trained myself not to receive it. Depression and loneliness are the end results. I played the therapist role with all of my friends through the school years. I craved being of service, because it made me feel important - a substitute for real love. But the relationships became one-sided, my friends became clingy, and I felt that I wasn't appreciated. Depression and loneliness were the end results. The worst case was in college, when I left my best friend to his own devices, he became mentally ill, I tried to help him, and he ultimately committed suicide. I failed at my therapist role. That sent me into a terrible depression. My pursuit of music was out of grandiosity. I wanted to be the unique, amazing, talented musician. But whenever I received applause, I never felt they were for me. I still feel that way. My video game addiction as a kid was due to grandiosity. I wanted to be the best avatar in every game so I could at least receive surrogate love and admiration. Of course, that never lasts, so I craved it more and more. Growing up, I would have delusions of grandeur. I would daydream about being the hero in a fantasy novel. I would daydream about saving my crush and winning her affection. Nowadays, I daydream about having a kickass life purpose, achieving yoda status, and impacting millions of people. But the reality is, I've been a serial loser, and every time I fail I beat myself up more and more. My attraction to Actualized.org was out of grandiosity. I wanted to be the most successful human being out there. I established my 20,000 different habits, did my daily affirmations, and read my 200 books not for the genuine interest of personal development, but for the pursuit of a sense of self ("actualized person") that would be worthy of love and admiration. My entire pursuit of spirituality was out of grandiosity. I wanted to be the most enlightened motherfucker out there. I meditated and self-enquired my ass off not for the genuine pursuit of Truth, but for the pursuit of a sense of self ("sage") that would be worthy of love and admiration. Eventually, I became so sick of the game, and depression was the end result. Orthorexia - my pursuit of dietary perfection (especially veganism) - was out of grandiosity. I wanted to be the most compassionate, healthiest human being. I did my juice fasts, ate my spirulina and sprouted lentils, followed the gospels of Michael Greger and Robert Morse, followed the rest of the vegan dogma, and secretly shunned the carnists. The truth is, I pursued a superior sense of self ("vegan") worthy of love and admiration. The end results were hair loss, muscle loss, loss of libido, loss of brain power, loss of the ability to form sentences, loss of friends, loss of 25 pounds while already being underweight, and intense depression that forced me to quit my job and go home. My inability to "reach out" to other people is a perfect mix of grandiosity and depression. Grandiosity: "I'm too special and preoccupied with other important matters to reach out to others." Depression: "Nobody's reaching out to me because I'm not lovable." And many, many more. It's getting harder and harder to stay where I am, but I have no idea where else to go, because I don't even know what I want...because I hardly know myself. After all this inner work, I thought I did. But WOW, I really don't. Scary...or exciting?

Yes but what about Eci Monday! And suicide Tuesday! Man oh man the highs are specfuckingtackular but the lows oh Lordy help me through the come down! however I speak of my rituals over 10 years ago and they may have a purer product now !

(chicken) shit happens. I killed a chicken today. Or did I? Am I really at fault? So I'm currently housesitting some chickens. They have an inside area and an outside area to waddle around and do their chicken things. At night, they waddle inside through a hatch and huddle together to embrace the night. Last night, as per usual, I closed the hatch. As per usual, I heard their squawking inside. As per usual, I walked inside and they were huddled together, feathers fluffed like illuminati costumes (don't ask how I know what illuminati costumes look like). As per usual, in the morning, I went to open the hatch. But what was unusual? A dead chicken right next to the hatch. No blood, no nothing; just glazed eyes and stiff as a board. After disposing of said chicken, resolving the issue with the host, and contemplating the fuck out of the situation, I directly experienced that there is no such thing as "fault". (Chicken) Shit happens. Nothing could ever possibly be at fault for anything (nor "more" at fault than another thing), because there are an infinite number of causes and effects. Conversely, everything is at fault for everything, because everything is a potential cause and effect for everything. And to make matters even more paradoxical, there is no such thing as cause and effect, because that would imply duality in an otherwise nondual reality; there only appears to be cause and effect. I could be at fault because I didn't notice that there was one chicken left outside before I closed the hatch. The chicken could be at fault because it hid in the corner and didn't squawk or bring attention to itself. The host could be at fault because she installed a new feeder that the chicken was unfamiliar with, thus starving it to death. Another chicken could be at fault because it pecked dead-chicken's butthole, thus compelling dead-chicken to stay outside in fear of being butt-pecked once again. The weather could be at fault for freezing the chicken to death, even though it is summertime. The chicken could have had an illness or a virus. Maybe it somehow found its way outside in the middle of the night. I used to feel so guilty for my friend's suicide. I was the one who got him arrested after he assaulted me. I was the one who brought him to court, which he ultimately skipped and killed himself instead. I was the one who failed to save him from his mental prison. And due to my own supreme guilt, I almost failed to save myself. Now I see, that's my own narrative, and it's arbitrary. What happened, happened. I know the body needs time to absolve psychosomatic guilt. But if I can keep in mind that "fault" is a human creation, I can have at least 50% more relief. Did I kill a chicken today? The answer is yes. And no.

hello everyone, this is my first post right there before all i'm thankful that i found a place where i can express and have advices from amazing people as i saw in the forum, my name is zack i have 23 year old i cant find out a sens for my life anymore i don't want to suicide but i don't want to live , i'm positive but i have a serious downs... so here i'am my story is that i get lot of issuses , started with my envirenement which is vexy toxical , and i cant figure out how can i find new people with good vibe , i'm studying something i don't like but i have to ,because it will lead me to something i like at the time , i reapeated my year 2 times and i'll repeat again and that causes me smash emotion in me , i feel hopless even if i strive for big goals... , i have at the time insecurities i strugled because i'm losing my hear that cause me self insecurities , i'm feeling alone and i feel like no one can understand that feeling or even help me , i'm trying lot of things every day , well lot of people said move on u're not a tree ... but in my case in cant leave because even the closest people to me ar toxicals and i have to survive with them(very complicated case famely ) , i have doubt with comparaison and i still stress meeting people i feel like i'm losing my self , it causes me headtache everytime because i can figure out any solution especely for that year that i'll repeat my university class it so harmfull emotionaly for me , i also had focus issues and i've been rejected by a girl that i was convinced that she'll help me steping forward, i'm in the point that i i dont wont spread negativity by telling how i feel but to get some advices and opinions ,

@Moreira The thumbnail though The point is the message, not the messenger. I really resonate with the methods of Teal, if @Shin were here now, he would say the same thing about Massaro. Sure, Massaro may be a psychopath and may have sexually abused his followers and Teal may be a narcissist, have radical views on suicide, and maybe she lies about being ritually abused but that shit doesn't matter if the stuff they teach helps you grow. If you haven't seen Teal's response to these claims, here it is:

Thanks you guys. Wow Contemplation is really great tool. I did contemplation about ''why do i want to move America''.Now I realized I can build extraordinary life here. there are no need to move there to build great life. I always thought about I if moved there I can earn lots of money and many more fantasized. One week ago I practiced breathing technique(wim Hof method and Holotropic Breathwork) and also I joined gym. Now I am shifting into pragmatic life. Breathing techniques are really profound. I purchased 60+ physical book but never read any books seriously and applied these thing in life. And I also had life purpose course, leo books list, 1 tb hard disk full of courses. I conceptualized many theories but never did anything great. @Leo Gura We worship god.I don't know anything about god But For me your are god. I want to hug you. This is turning point of my life How profound these tools are. Thank you Leo for everything. I have really inspired story But I can't express in English so When I am good in English I will definitely share these story. When I thought about childhood memory. This memory always bring tears because Our father is alcoholic he always try to killed all of us. I was just 12 years old I tried suicide but I didn't die.............................

im now on my last semester in university, and all my friends which have the same age as me, already finished their years a month a go. they already did the research to finish their degree. and me cant finish it, due to this condition. a day a spend on campus is just like im on a cloud, depersonalized, brain function off, so much awareness but cant function my brain very well, thats way i was left behind. and im sad, depress, i dont want it to happen. i dont want they say im stupid,, i want to chase them, but its imposible. im not this such person before, i used to be an analytical thinker, and very creative person. but later i know about chakras,, the me be in the past is good but the root and heart chakra is blocked. its different with my condition right now, where i feel that my heart and root start to balance each other, but my mind (third eye) cant function like its normally does in the past. it just so hard. my family condition too, want to their child to became somebody, that have a proper job. i choose the univ department not because i want it, it because my family option. and i regret it now. but i guess im not too stress about it, cause i enjoy the course a bit. i guess its depression, theres a suicide thought recently. like i want to runaway from my problem and my family. i never think that i have so much inner problems on myself until i became this aware (before doing meditation). im afraid on continuing this journey because i dont have any gurus, and if bad things happen (like this time, i dont know it will turn out like this) i dont know where to speak and find any help, so i decide to find solution here , although my english is not very good.

@Rookie@ajasatya oh I think I get now why I do this. I think it's because I dont give a shit about life anymore. Or at least that's what happens subconsciously. I ask myself "would I care if i'd die right now" and I think a sincere answer is "no", I have no resistance to dying or any will to continue to live. that is not to say I want to commit suicide, I dont want that at all, I just dont care, apathy is I guess the technical term for it, I dont know though. I dont care about anything so I just go through the path of least resistance, there's no desire to try and do something that would "be beneficial" or would even make me happier. I know these 3 weeks could be extremely fun and I could feel extremely good doing life purpose work but I just dont care. I guess it will pass.

Man... I am sorry to hear that. I apologize for assuming, you didn't try psychedelics, it just appeared that way from your post since I have never seen pink elephants or anything close to that on psychs. Psychedelics can definitely be challenging. I have also contemplated suicide from many angles myself many times with and without psychedelics. Delusions are definitely possible on psychedelics, but I see that as coming from the mind and not psychedelics themselves. It's better to ignore all of those interpretation - quiet the mind- and embrace breathing and being.

I experimented with ayahuasca 9 times in religious settings ("Santo Daime" and "UDV"). When i was doing some research, i found several reports of people who took ayahuasca for themselves in a non-religious setting and it went pretty bad, i read one that the experience went horribly, left most people involved traumatized and one even committed suicide. I am not saying that this will happen to you but maybe there is a reason that ayahuasca is usually taken in a controlled setting with experienced people/shamans. The one time i took a moderate/high dose of shrooms (5g) i found it very powerful and the trip was pretty similar from the ones i had with ayahuasca.

Ive just had another moment of awareness, putting things into perspective. It feels like in daily life I am caught up in an pseudo-awakened alter ego and totally clouded, totally filled with concepts and beliefs, so clouded that it makes me depressed. An ego with stories around awakening, feelings and experiences that are clearly mind filtered. That is the default state of my mind. I begin doubting, feeling like I just pretend things happened a certain way when they actually were just mind-distorted so I could put them into words. I look at this self and it is so far away from reality. It makes me absurdly sad, very very sad looking how deep I fell. And yet I am still unconsciously always caught up in it. Pls take me out of it, this realization is very heartbreaking somehow. I have already had such realization where I cried because I realized how unconsciously deep I fell without even noticing it driving me to the point of thinking about suicide. This poor soul just didnt know it better because it got dragged away in the mind's stream of stories. That is probably the reason I have no clear sense of self - it is so clouded and manipulated by the mind.

Signs of psychopathic behaviors Fails to address the underlying issue behind the argument Doesn't admit fault or responsibility for actions Doesn't apologize Dominating Tries to cast your family in a bad way so you lose all kind of emotional support Suddenly shifts the topic instead of addressing the concern Blames you for questioning his behavior Mocks when you are serious Gets serious when you are being light Jumps to premature conclusions and assumes too much without evidence Manipulative Doesn't give attention or time Makes you do everything as per his whims and fancies Shows retraint with anger and good self control Hides real intentions Does not show worry or concern. If you are ill Calculates his moves Blames constantly Anger issues Suicide threats Not available when you need or want Switches off his phone when convenient by blocking you Does not give you the freedom to express yourself Spies on you Controls your every move Lies.. Big lies Tries to maintain a good public image. Helps people so that they will call him a good person. Huge huge red flag of fake humanitarian Is rude to you, not in public but at home Does not respect your work assignment or boundaries Continues to talk to people who you don't want him to talk to Gets easily jealous when there was no need to Blames or guilt trips you for wanting help Does not lay out a clear plan for the future Does not invest money Abandons you when you need Creates drama Does not respect boundaries Does not allow you to sleep because he needs to talk Evokes sympathy when you are angry about an issue Triviliases your achievements and accomplishments Hardly ever praises you Infantilizes you. Wants you to be dependent Takes pride in being complimented Harasses you till you say yes to his demands or till he wins the argument Tries to prove he is morally superior to you Switches the topic when you want to have an important discussion Compares to other people Gaslights you by constantly trying to show that you are wrong Triviliases your logic Contradicts almost every statement Never tries to get along with you even if it's easier to do it, as easy as saying yes or no Neglects you for hours Gives very trivial excuses for his negligence of you Gives more value to friends. And family. Big sign Does not tell you openly and then blames you Finds a way to blame you or show you are wrong Blames you for his losses Shows how others are superior to you and you should measure up to them Compares others bad behaviors to you Forecasts a bad outcome for your behavior. That you will do so and so in the future Emotional blackmail Doesn't bother to help Shows fake emotions Constantly talks about his ex Talks friendly to people who have been mean to you or not getting along with you. Does not respect your ego. Calls you jealous if you called out on it Blames you if you trying to point out your issues with him Does not show serious commitment Takes revenge or gets vengeful Holds grudge for too long Humiliates you publicly Does not say sorry when he is wrong. Only says it when he sees he might lose you Argues till infinity Blames you for his mistakes You are the only one who seems to be interested in calling Everything is about him always Selfish Tries to demean you or lower your worth. Does not respect space Doesn't show committment Uses abusive language Abusive, Narcissistic, manipulative

@MrDmitriiV Sounds pretty similar to Wim hoff breathing or shamanic breathing both which I stopped as I feel can get to same place with regular meditation and I really don't like the side effects of these breathing techniques (nausea, dizziness, headace, etc) which precisely why I dont like drinks/drugs. @Dogsbestfriend I agree with you. Have you gone deeper and had a full samahdi experience yet? There is no breath or energy or body. Just completely being in utterly emptiness, a single thought of even "This is it" would break it. I'm still trying to master getting into this place, i notice some regularities. Intense energy and focus during meditation (can't be tired or sleepy) Blindfolded and earplugged, trying to removing every sense/experience possible. Intense self-enquiry, doubting all things, all body senses, and the mind. Intense enquiry to existence (many will disagree with me on this one) but enquiry into the nature of existence, and non-existence, similar to being a robot who's enquiring how could he could possible be "experienceing existence" when all he is material and software. State of facing existential fear and commiting suicide (ego death) Being. unfathomable power, like a blackhole, neither something or nothing. During this peroid I could die and stay here forever, theres no ego to argue against it. I dont see it as "love" or "happiness" its just like default mode but also very powerful, it's god (for lack of poor words to describe it). Then obviously you come back from it and the ego comes back, but the more consciousness work we do, the more that emptiness is apparent in the "now" the foundation of all things.

I can relate, I´m 18 too. As young men we have to find our place in the world and It´s not easy. Youth is the most difficult part in a young man´s life because we don´t have nothing to offer...yet. I can also relate to the suicidal thoughts, I don´t buy into the whole "suicide is bad, you are a snowflake, bla bla bla". Whenever I feel suicidal I renounce to my identity, to my expectations and plans, I simply let go of all of it, and a new playfulness arises, maybe I can´t do X at the moment, but I can do these other amazing things instead so who cares! Hope it helps, hit me up if you want

The Attraction for Drugs is Spiritual – Osho (No prohibiting the use drugs) Drugs are as old as humanity itself, and they certainly fulfill something of immense value. I am against drugs, but my being against drugs is for the same reason as for thousands of years people have been addicted to the drugs. It may look very strange. The drugs are capable to give you a hallucinatory experience beyond the mundane world. That is the experience that is being searched through meditation. Meditation brings you to the real experience, and drug gives you just a hallucination, a dream-like experience but very similar. To meditate is difficult. The drug is cheap. But the attraction for drugs is spiritual. Man is not satisfied with his mundane existence. He wants to know something more. He wants to be something more. Just the ordinary life seems so flat, so meaningless, that if this is all then suicide seems to be the only way out of it. It gives no ecstasy, no joy. On the contrary, it goes on piling you up with more and more misery, anxiety, disease, old age and, finally, death. From the cradle to the grave, the ordinary life is just a drag. People go on living it because they are cowards. Otherwise they will commit suicide. They don’t have the courage enough to commit suicide. But this is not something one can rejoice in. You can drag on but you cannot call it living. There is no dance in it, no color in it. It is just a vast desert spreading as far as you can see, with no oasis anywhere. I am reminded of one of the dreams of Leo Tolstoy. It is a rare dream. It is also unique that it went on repeating continuously almost his whole life. As long as he could remember, the dream was happening. And the dream is very strange. In his dream he sees a vast desert and two gumboots without anybody in them, just the two gumboots without any feet inside them, are walking. They go on walking and they go on walking, and there is no end to this walk. The desert is endless. And he always woke up perspiring, his heart beating louder, gripped with great fear. Without going to any psychoanalyst, he knew the meaning. He himself was a genius. He knew that this is his life, this is not a dream. It is not even symbolic. It is exactly his life. Where he is going? Wherever he goes he will end into the grave. Who is going he does not know. The gumboots are empty. He is unaware of anybody inside. He is unacquainted of the person who is wearing the gumboots. He is invisible. All that is visible is the gumboots and the desert, and the tedious journey, pointless, meaningless. This is the reason that drugs have attracted man since the very beginning. And they have at least given him a temporary relief. Only few people tried meditation. And my own understanding is, these people also tried meditation because drugs at a point become useless. You become immune. In the beginning they give you tremendous experiences, but soon they become almost part of your body chemistry. Then if you don’t take them you are in trouble. Your whole chemistry wants them. If you take them, you gain nothing. You go on increasing the doses. In India where the experiments with drugs must have been the oldest, because the oldest scripture in the world is Rigveda, the religious source book of the Hindus, it talks about a certain drug, Somras. Because of this Somras, Aldous Huxley has called the ultimate drug one day, when LSD is refined and there is no side effect, it will be called Soma. The name is from Rigveda. Rigveda according to Hindus is ninety thousand years old, and nobody has been able to prove that they are wrong because their arguments for its old age are almost irrefutable. They are not logical, otherwise it would have been easy. They are astronomical. In Rigveda there is a description of a certain combination of stars that had happened according to modern astronomers also ninety thousand years before. Now there is no way for the people who were writing Rigveda to describe it in absolute detail unless they have seen it. Now this is such an evidence that you cannot do anything about it. The astronomers say for ninety thousand years that combination has not been again in the sky. So certainly whoever was writing it was fully aware of the combination of stars at that time. For ninety thousand years Hindus have accepted drugs almost as part of their religious ceremonies. It was only under British regime that drugs created trouble, but because they were part of a religious ritual, which is the ancient most religion in the world, even the British government was afraid to interfere with it. It continued. Even in my childhood all drugs were available in the market. There was no question of any illegality. And every school of Hindu religion was using drugs, but they were using it in a very scientific way. They will give the drug in a certain quantity, create a certain experience in the man, and then when he will come out of it will tell him that, “This was only an illusion. It was simply because of the drug, because of the chemistry, your mind experienced. “Would you like to experience it in its reality? If the illusion is so beautiful, you can think how much more the reality would be. And the experience created by the drug lasts for a few hours, and again you are back to the same old rotten world. But if the experience is real, it is yours forever. You never lose it. It is not something that has happened to you, it is something that was already in you; you have discovered it.” So I don’t see that it was wrong to use drugs in this way. In fact, this should be the approach around the world for the modern man. And now we have more advanced drugs, synthetically made, and we are capable to purify them more. We can make drugs which have no bad effects at all. We can make drugs which are not addictive. And we can have in every hospital, in every university, a certain department which teaches people how to move from drug to meditation. Just to talk about meditation remains simply verbal. There is no way through the words to give you any experience. But drugs are immensely useful. The words can explain to you what meditation is, the drug can give you an hallucinatory experience of it. And then you can be initiated into a method. And now you will not be moving in darkness. Now you know that something… if an ordinary drug can do so much, then there must be some way to find an authentic transformation, to experience it without any dependence on anything. So the drug simply opens up a door and helps you to understand that man’s life and his experience need not be confined to the ordinary mundane world – he can fly high towards the stars — that he is capable of knowing things which are not ordinarily available. Under proper guidance — medical, meditational — drugs can be of immense help. I said I am against drugs because if they become addictive then they will be the most destructive for your journey towards the self. Then you become enchanted into hallucinations. And because it is cheap — no effort has to be done, just you have to go on taking bigger and bigger doses…. In India it came to a point…. Still today there are monasteries where they keep poisonous snakes because the people had become so addicted to all kinds of drugs that no drug has any effect on them. They can take any dose and they will remain normal. The only thing that gives them a little experience is a bite on their tongue by a cobra. That will be death to anybody, but to them it is a beautiful drug experience. Sometimes it has happened that these people become addicted even to cobra bites. Their whole bloodstream becomes poisonous. And it is on record, and once it happened in front of me, that a cobra was brought to bite. The cobra did it perfectly well on the tongue, and died. The man had become so poisonous… because the cobra is not poisonous in his whole body. He has simply a small gland which has poison, and that gland is just in his mouth. So whenever the cobra bites someone, he immediately turns upside down, because the gland in his mouth has the opening up. He will bite; that is not dangerous. That is simply making your blood available. And then he will turn over to pour the poison on your blood. The bite is not really poisonous. The poison comes from the gland which hangs above his tongue in the mouth. It has to hang that way, otherwise the poison cannot remain in it. So he turns upside down. The poison starts flowing out of the gland into the wounds that he has made by his bite. But before he could do that, biting the man was enough to get poisoned himself. For thousands of years people have been using drugs. Moralists, religious people, governments have been trying prohibition absolutely unsuccessfully. And I don’t see that they can ever succeed. The only way to succeed is what I am suggesting. Rather than prohibiting drugs, let the scientists find out better drugs which give deeper and more psychedelic, more colorful, more ecstatic experiences and without any side effects, and without any addiction. And these should be available in the universities, in the colleges, in the hospitals — wherever some kind of guidance is possible, that the person is not prohibited, is allowed total freedom to use anything that he wants. And we use his experience to help him grow towards some authentic process so that he can start experiencing something far greater than any drug can give. And only then he can compare that the first one was just a dream, and this is a reality, and the first one was just cheating myself through chemistry, ‘And the first one was not helping me in my spiritual growth. It was in fact preventing the growth, keeping me addicted and retarded’. The second one goes on growing, and now he starts gathering courage to explore more. He was never aware that these experiences are possible, that these experiences are not just fiction. So drug can be used in a very beneficial way, to make the person realize that this is hallucination, and the hallucination is so satisfying, would not you like to try the real? We have the real drug also. I call it meditation. And it takes you to the uttermost blissful experience possible. Then only drugs become useless for you. If we want humanity to get free of drugs, then meditation is the way. But before we can get free of them, they are very important and can be used to introduce people to meditation. So this paranoia about drugs is not helpful to humanity. You can make drugs illegal, it makes no change. In fact, they become more attractive, more exciting. Particularly to the youth they become a challenge. I am amazed sometimes, is man going ever to learn even the ABC of human psychology? The same stupidity goes on which God did with Adam and Eve: prohibition. Don’t eat the fruit of this tree. But that becomes an invitation. That becomes a challenge. And thousands of years have passed, but the authority figures are still in the same mood: don’t use the drug, otherwise imprisonment for five years, seven years. And nobody bothers that drugs are being made available in jails. Just you have to pay a little higher price. And the people who come out of the jail are not cured. They go back again because … the reason is the drug gives them something which your society is not giving. They are ready to destroy their health, their body, their whole life becomes a mess, but still that drug gives them something which your society does not give. So rather than preventing them, create a society which gives something which is better. I have been fighting in India with one of the most idiotic prime ministers India had, Morarji Desai. He is absolutely fanatic, is not ready to listen to any reasonable argument. Alcohol has to be prohibited. He prohibited the alcohol. That does not make any change. People start making alcohol but that proves dangerous. Thousands of people died because the alcohol they drank was poisonous, was not made rightly. The people who were making it had no idea what they are making. And this has been happening around the world. Once in a while some idiot comes in and tries to prohibit, but nobody asks why people drink alcohol. Your life gives them nothing. You suck them of their blood and in return what they get? No joy, just anxieties upon anxieties. Safe alcohol makes them relax for few hours, sing a song or have a little dance — or a fight in the pub. But for few hours they are transported from your world. The very attraction proves that your society is wrong, not that alcohol is wrong. Your society should help people to dance, to sing, to rejoice, to love. The alcohol will disappear. The other drugs are far better than alcohol. There are many drugs which have less bad after-effects, particularly synthetic drugs taken in a right atmosphere, in a right mood, for example, LSD. It simply enhances your mood, it does not do anything to you. If you are in a despair the LSD experience will become a nightmare. But if you are feeling a well-being, that is the time to take LSD. Then it can give you a really positive ecstatic experience, although it will be hallucinatory. But if you don’t know the real, it looks almost the real. Even a man like Aldous Huxley, one of the most intelligent men of this generation, thought that through LSD he has achieved the same experience as Gautam Buddha, Kabir, Ramakrishna. If you don’t know the real, naturally you cannot call it hallucinatory. It is so real. Huxley had no experience of meditation. He has really no right to say such a thing. You can say such a thing only when you have experienced both, that it is the same experience as Kabir. Kabir never used any drug. His experience was purely of meditation. On what grounds Huxley can say it is the same experience? He does not know the experience of Kabir. I can understand that he has been through a tremendously beautiful experience, but that experience disappears as the effect of the LSD goes out of the system. But Kabir’s experience remains twenty-four hours, day in, day out, his whole life. Once it happens, it is always there. This is a simple criterion. But he was so much fascinated by the experience, and he corrupted almost a whole generation. They thought that if a man like Huxley says that LSD can give you samadhi, then what is the need of going into so much trouble for meditation with no guarantee whether you will be able to succeed or not? I am against drugs because they can become addictive and they can prevent your spiritual growth. You can start thinking that you have achieved what you were seeking, and your hands are empty. You are just dreaming. But, on the other hand, I am a very scientific mind. On the other hand, I would like drugs to be used, not to be prohibited — but used under proper guidance as a stepping-stone towards meditation. And governments should pay more attention for improving the drugs rather than preventing people. If improved drugs are available, then other drugs will already be out of the market. There is no need to prohibit anything in the world. Just produce something better — something better, cheaper, legal. Then who is going to bother about marijuana, hashish, heroin — for what? There is no reason. Something better is available with the medical store, without prescription. Even in the hospital you can book a place for yourself that doctors can look after you while you are in the drug experience. Meditators can help you to understand what has happened to you. And this is possible very easily through meditation. One thing more, that if something even hallucinatory happens to a person, meditation becomes easier. Something in him becomes certain. Something in him is now perfectly guaranteed that meditation is not just fiction. And the hallucinatory experience also opens some doors. The guidance can be of very much importance. For example, when somebody is under LSD and is having an ecstatic joy, that is the moment to teach him the method of meditation, because he is very sensitive, very clean and clear as he is not ordinarily. He is dull and cloudy. Now the whole sky is a clarity. You can teach him meditation more easily in this moment than you can teach him when he is in an ordinary state. He seems to listen but he only hears. It does not go deep. His sleep is thick. But in certain moments under LSD he is very close to awakening. Under a right guide he can be introduced to the technique of meditation. He can be given what is called post-hypnotic suggestions for which he is absolutely vulnerable. He can be told that, “This meditation, you will be able to do it when you are out of LSD experience.” You can go on repeating it that, “You are going to succeed in it.” It is a simple method and there is no problem in not succeeding in it. Just one or two sessions with a guide will be enough. The man can be moved towards meditation. And once he moves towards meditation, drugs have no importance at all. All the efforts of scientists and the government should be to understand that if a certain thing has been so attractive for the whole history of man, and no government has ever been successful to prohibit it, then there must be certain need that it fulfills. And unless that need is fulfilled in some other way, drugs are going to remain in the world. And they are destructive. And the more governments are against them, more destructive they are, because nobody can make any refinements on them, nobody can make any experiments on them, nobody is even allowed to say what I am saying. But I can say it because I am against drugs. But that does not mean they cannot be used. They can be used as a means, they are not the end. And if we can hope a future free of drugs, if man becomes naturally meditative…. And that is possible. If a child finds his father is meditating, his mother is meditating, everybody is meditating, he will start being curious about it. He also wants to meditate. And that is the age when meditation is very simple because he is not yet corrupted by the society. Yet he is innocent. And if everybody around him is doing something and enjoying in doing it, he cannot remain behind. He will sit with them with closed eyes. First they may laugh at him, that it is not possible for children. But they do not understand. It is more possible for children than for the so-called grownups. Just the atmosphere of meditation in schools, in colleges, in universities — wherever the person goes he finds that atmosphere which nourishes his own meditativeness. I would love to see that no drugs are needed in the world. But not through prohibition, but through creating something better, something real. Drugs will be defeated without any difficulty, but these idiotic governments go on giving importance to drugs and they go on destroying the youth around the world. The most precious time of life is wasted in hallucinations, and by the time they realize what they have done to themselves, perhaps it is too late. They cannot come back to a normal state. Their body has become accustomed to have certain chemicals in it. Then even unwillingly they have to go on injecting themselves with all kinds of poisons. Or if somebody has not been on hard drugs, returns back, then he finds life very much dull, more dull than you find it because he has seen something beautiful. It always remains a comparison. He has made love under the impact of drug and he had felt at the very top of the world. And now he makes love and finds that it is nothing but a kind of sneeze. It feels good; you sneeze and it feels good, but it is not something that you live for. Nobody can say that, “I am living here for sneezing.” -Osho From The Last Testament, Vol. 4, Chapter Six

I used to have crippling anxiety I still can remember the feeling, I just wanted to escape my life, and meditation gave me that, so I used it for escapism until I experienced the bliss that comes with mindfulness, when it hit me I realized this new realm of possibility, everything changed. But then bipolar hit me and I started drowning in an endless spiral of misery until recently I had my first glimpses of enlightenment, for once in a very long time I felt liberated for my self, it might be a self-deception tho because I was about to commit suicide and I couldn't bullshit myself anymore so my mind had to do a trick it never did before, or maybe it was real bliss idk, either way it worked. Needless to say I still get bipolar depression physical symptoms (including the dark thoughts and dull mind) but for some reason reason it doesn't bother me much anymore, even anxiety doesn't bother that much anymore, don't get me wrong I still have to do so much work to balance my brain chemistry, correct my thoughts, cultivate awareness, etc. But my god it's so much better now. This is unnecessarily long, but I ain't deleting ?

Pluck might have made a mistake Sheela made. He might have idolized Leo so much without doing meditation and then his life got fucked up and he blamed Leo for it. I like Leo because he seems to have empathy towards others. I disagree with some of his ideas though. Just some. For example: Leo prefers Sadhguru over Osho. Honestly, I don't like Sadhguru. He seems to me a harsh man saying HEAVEN OR HELL, YOU CHOOSE. From what I see, Sadhguru wants to people to create a traction in their life, the traction that he considers good, fitting with his eyes. He seems to think one is 100% responsible for his life. . From the way I see, the answer is no. Most people were born poor, not intelligent, not emotionally well-grounded. And it's understandable why they feel depressed. To be honest, I don't want to be born. It sounds negative but it's the truth. However, instead of continuing to take my anger on others, I'm starting to meditate to master my emotions and live blissfully. What I want to say is we should be more empathetic and focused on ourselves at the same time. If we focus too much on who gives us the ideas, we do not take the ideas seriously. If things get too difficult for me, I can just commit suicide like Osho. No need to get angry at anyone. I'm not good at expressing my point of view, hope you guys understand.

@Viking lol ? If you choose to commit suicide, I think silver bullets will do it.

Actually a very strange thing happened to me. I was looking at the moon and I felt sort of "download" of energies from it. I felt a sensation in the belly, it was as though it was growling and I was hungry. I didnt think anything of it, but then about 30 minutes later, I was with my friends, the moon became more red I felt this energy in my hands and back and i started to freak a little, but it passed. at around 10pm when the eclipse was at it's peak I felt a sensation in the back of my head. I concentrated on it and it went to the front of my head. at that point the sensations in the upper back and the hands came back again, but much stronger. the energy continued and continued to increase and I felt a sharp pain in my teeth, they actually became very large, and a lot of hair was coming out of my hands and my back!!! my nails also started to grow bigger and i couldnt help the energy in my throat chakra and just started howling. everyone around me looked at me terrified. then I felt this anger and that hungry feeling again and I couldnt hold myself back and slaughtered and ate all my friends. im now covered in blood, I ran back home just to write about it here in the forum!! and what a synchronicity that you posted a topic about this!! all the hair fell out and I dont know what to do now, im contemplating suicide, help.

Wanting to know Truth is not enough. If you need to know it like it's eating at you from the inside out night and day and even if it kills you you're willing to die to know it,then I'd say you're ready. "willing to die to know it" doesn't mean physical suicide either. That's a cop out reserved only for elite pussbags who can't stand themselves and don't deserve to even sniff the sweet taint of truth.

Hey guys! I have a quite difficult situation which may or may not determine my future and I don't know how to decide. My situation is that I am a 20 year old male student from Hungary whose just gotten admitted to a university as an IT engineer (that pushed me to take action and seek help). I am an only child and been spoiled by my mum, she protected me from a lot of things and partially due to that I have little life experience. The other part is me who gets scared when something radically new emerges and tries to go back to it's comfort zone, to maintain homeostasis. I have two choices. The first one is I stay with my mum, finish the university and continue this trend. The second is I enroll in another university, which is a college in Slovakia (it's not far, about 50 km), on a similar course. I have been invited by a friend (The only person I call a friend. I realized upon watching Leo's video about stage orange that I truly suck at relationships. I've only been contacting people only when they were of any use to me. I've been a loner most of my life) with whom I would go, enroll and live there. I would meet new people, finally socialize and experience a great deal of new things which have been absent in my life until now. I've tried talking about this to my parents, but they were defensive about it. My mum's reason is not to destroy my future, my possible career by following my friend and going to a (possibly) weaker university. My dad just doesn't want to lose me. The situation regarding my parents is a complex one as well. They divorced when I was 2, but my mum allowed my dad to be around me for me to have a 'role model' when I grow up. My dad is still around, but there is a twist to the story. He has epilepsy and tried to commit suicide once. It's one of the strongest forms of epilepsy when he starts shaking, loses consciousness and his muscles in his whole body starts jerking out of his will. He often bits his tongue and gets a couple of bruises. He is a disabled pensioner and thanks to that has difficulties finding a job. He is currently working as a security guard at a place for a company that deals with construction. His bill is low, he is barely able to live on his own. However, thanks to his illness, he can't be left alone else he may even have a fatal accident. If it wasn't for this, he may not be around me anymore. From my point of view he is closed-minded and would not want to lose me, as I am the only reason he can visit us. Both of them got irritated and angry upon I mentioned it and would not want to talk about it. Moving on, I also did a silly thing. I got admitted to the university in Slovakia and paid the fees of enrollment and translation of the required documents without telling my mum that I am going there. Now we are having a vacation in Croatia and I don't want to spoil her vacation by telling her now. I would go there, and I wouldn't at the same time. When I was there in Slovakia, I felt like 'This is it! This is the place where I will change my life for the better!' However soon after I just don't feel the same enthusiasm. I would rather stay here and enroll the university, learn new skills in IT and get a diploma with which I would have more than one choice as to where to start working. It's me again trying to stay in my comfort zone, but is the enthusiasm I used to feel authentic there? There are also a lot of factors to consider when making someone's choice of career. I am not even sure IT is something I would build a career out of. I have had good grades and understood most of the things and I am particularly happy when I finish a small project in 3d modeling in Inventor or a code that works and does something more than displaying text or do basic math. However, I rarely find the motivation to even start something like these. Most of the time I spend endulging in my internet, social meedia and video game addictions, I still spend half of my day at the computer unless I have something else to do. There is a lot to work on myself. I would appreciate any input, and thanks for reading.

The desire for oneness can sometimes look like "sin". When the drive "I need you to love me" doesn't get fulfilled, it may turn into suicide, murder, rape, power, control, and manipulation. People feeling unloved is dangerous.

I’m a 47 year old software developer from Chicago. I’ve been dealing with a high conflict divorce and custody case for the past two years and it’s really taken a huge toll on me. I have two kids, a boy 7 and a girl 9. I thought long and hard about suicide and they’re the only things that stopped me. Now that I’ve decided I can’t leave my children, I have to find a way to fix myself so I can be the best dad possible. I also have a semi annoying cat. The divorce went as horribly as it could possibly go. I spent much of my savings fighting for equal time with my kids, and mostly I lost. The court took her side and gave her majority of time with the kids, full alimony and child support. I see my kids a fair bit - I have about 42% custody, but it was a long expensive battle and I still feel I got screwed. I have a lot of anger at the legal system and I’ve become extremely cynical about relationships and the government. We used to be pretty fairly upper middle class and our lifestyles have taken a big hit during the divorce. I used to own an expensive home and now I rent a small apartment so I can be close to my kids. This is due to the financial strain of the divorce - I basically have to support two households on one salary now. It’s been a huge lifestyle change and I’m still sort of in shock about it. I was always introverted, depressed, and had low self esteem prior to my marriage, but during the 10 years we were married I had something to dedicate myself to and marriage gave me a sense of purpose and identity. Since the divorce I’ve been lost, massively depressed, borderline suicidal, I had anxiety attacks for the first time in my life. My self esteem is lower than its ever been. I feel alone, I don’t have many friends and my family is not supportive. I don’t have anyone to talk to most of the time. My life is very sad. When the kids are with me I can keep it together most of the time, but when I’m alone I’m lost. I can’t stand to be alone with myself. I distract myself with working on my side business - which is not going that well, or I play video games. I used to run marathons and play guitar. I’ve lost interest in these things because they don’t distract me from my pain and they remind me too much of my former life. My main personal goal is to fix myself so I can be better for my kids. I want to live a virtuous life, I don’t want to be so alone but I don’t know how to go about making those types of changes. I don’t want to be so debilitated by despair and sadness that I can barely function or take care of myself. I don’t want afraid of the future. I want my kids to see me as a good example. Other than that, my physical health is very bad. I don’t take care of myself. Right now I’m taking Celexa and Wellbutrin - if it’s helping at all it’s only enough to allow me to function. There’s no family history or mental illness that I know of. I’d like to get back in shape again, I know it can’t be good for my self esteem to be ashamed of how my body looks, I guess I don’t value myself enough to take care of myself physically. I have a masters in computer science. I have a good job as a senior developer at a software startup. It actually pays extremely well but most of my pay goes to my ex wife. I like the company, the work and the people I work with. But I also know that my severe personal problems the past couple of years have not helped me in my career as I’m not advancing and I’m seeing my peers get promoted. I spent the last six months preoccupied by the divorce trial and have been neglecting work. I’d like to get a promotion at work someday if I can get myself together. It’s also a personal goal of mine to grow my side business to where it makes up the money lost in the fig ice and maybe down the line allows me to quit my job and work for myself. My side business is writing mobile apps and financial software in addition to trading crypto currencies.l. In 1 year I’d like to know that I’m well on the way towards a better life. In 5 years I’d like to get promoted. In 10 years I’d like to work for myself full time. I grew up in the Chicago suburbs in the 80s. I have two brothers, I’m the oldest. My parents were immigrant doctors, and they put a lot of pressure on me to succeed academically. I rebelled and fought a lot with my parents growing up. Our family moved a lot and I had to switch schools multiple times. It made it hard for me to make and keep friends. I grew up very sheltered and repressed in a lot of ways. When I became a teenager I went wild and it caused a lot of friction with my parents. There’s a lot of pain there. It’s probably the source of my low self esteem. My parents always made me feel bad that I didn’t want to be a doctor, they compared me to my brothers and at the same time held me to much higher standards. I wish I had more of a happy healthy upbringing. But I grew up to be a damaged person in a lot of ways. I don’t think my ex wife knew how damaged I was when she married to me, and I thought that maybe marriage and fatherhood could fix me somehow. I’d like to talk to someone when I’m struggling to make it through the day. I’m also aware if I’m going to make a change I need someone to remind me to do the work and provide a program I can use to get better. I feel like I have so many problems I don’t know where to start - or it could be as simple as working on one thing like my character or self esteem that will help me make sense of everything else in my life. If I could change anything about myself I’d like to have high self esteem and confidence. When I was a baby my parents left me in the Philippines with my grandparents to go to the states and become doctors. At age 2 I came to join them, but there was a part of me that always felt abandoned by them at an early age. I don’t share this with anyone, but - my low self esteem is due to feeling alienated from the world. I’m alienated from the world because I’m so introverted and wrapped up in myself. I spend a lot of time alone. And this is what I learned as a child as a coping mechanism. I would abandon people first because I was so scared of them abandoning me.

i didn't say "horrific", but alaska is quite isolated and cold and people from switzerland have major issues with depression and suicide.

@Durka_Durka Come on! Suicide is not an option! I know,no matter how shitty you feel and think, it doesnt have to end like this. Why end your life cause of those stupid thoughts? Have a little faith.Something to hold on to even if its totally fake,not existing,a bubble . Cause life is a bubble anyway. So why not? "I look out of this window and I think this is a cosmos, this is a huge creation, this is one small corner of it. The trees and birds and everything else and I'm part of it. I didn't ask to be put here, I've been lucky in finding myself here." Morris West