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@Nahm that's rough man sorry you had to go through that. This topic is coming up so much, suicide is not the answer - and I believe you will just get dumped into another miserable existence when you do until you learn your lesson and achieve enlightenment, however many lives that takes.

If you are enlightened even just being is enough. Your beingness will touch people's lives. Have you heard about the homeless man who was about to commit suicide and because of the eye contact and smile of one single stranger while the crossed each other, he decide to stay alive and totally turned his life around?

@Primentex Went to my friend’s funeral yesterday, who committed suicide. Some reasons off the top of my head not to do that; his mom, his sister, his friends, his niece, his nephew, his coworkers, his uncles & aunts, his cousins, his grandma, & that he could have gotten the help he needed and lived a happy and amazing life (he was 23). And I don’t mean he shouldn’t have done that for the sake of those people, I mean he could have realized he had all those people loving him already, and he could have loved them. He probably would have seen that life typically get’s easier in just a few years from 23. Also, if you actually were aware (realized) that this is an illusion, you wouldn’t be thinking about nor asking about suicide - that reveals you are in the duality of believing you are alive. Upon realization, there is all the love & joy in “life”, as there is in “death”, as they are actually the same, with regard to You.

Life can be sheer joy, a beautiful dream. People think of committing suicide because they don’t know how to beautify it.

You'll just be catapulted into a new life anyway. Reincarnation man. And in this new life you might not be aware of actualized.org and that suicide is really not that much of a problem. Better work a bit on your (illusory) karma while you have the chance.

Man, there's been a lot of suicide talk here lately. Do you think you've gone as far as you can in your life? Nothing more to figure out? You're here to learn.

After meditating, I had this thought : why should I avoid committing suicide, this entire life is an illusion anyway. I know that suicide isn't a bad thing to do in dreams, but If life is a dream, then why is it bad to do it there ???

Question: Beloved Jesus, what would you say about fasting (in a sense of totally abstaining from food) as a way to accelerate one's spiritual growth? The idea to pass through the 40 day fasting (while totally abstaining from food) - as you did when you were in the desert, and as other spiritual seekers, ascetics and hermits did - inspires me a lot. So the question is: can it give some benefit or harm? And how one could abstain from food without harming himself? Answer from ascended master Jesus through Kim Michaels: (May 26, 2011) I strongly discourage anyone from trying to go for 40 days while totally abstaining from food. There is simply no way to do this without harming your body, and there is not spiritual benefit from doing so. It is a misunderstanding that I spent 40 days in the desert without eating anything. You can take two basic approaches to any aspect of my life. One is the literal approach, where you think the Bible is the literal word of God, and thus anything mentioned in the scriptures happened exactly as described. Through this approach, you will never understand the true meaning of my teachings and example. The other approach is to realize that even so-called actual events from the scriptures have a deeper meaning—and thus you must always look beyond the literal interpretation. So what is the deeper meaning of me spending 40 days in the wilderness? You might see this in terms of the contrast between two environments. You have human society, an environment in which most everything is controlled by man-made rules and ideas. Then you have the "wilderness," an environment in which things are not controlled by man but are closer to a natural state. So the symbolism is that I withdrew for a time from the world of man-made rules, doctrines, beliefs and ideas. Yet doing this does not necessarily mean going out in nature. You can do this almost anywhere, as long as you can be in a quiet space and turn down outside distractions. You can even do it in the middle of a city, although it is a bit more difficult because of the more intense mass consciousness. Fasting does not necessarily have anything to do with food. I "fasted" by emptying my mind from man-made ideas, thereby creating an empty space that made my mind open to intuitive impressions from a higher source, namely my I Will Be Presence and my spiritual teachers. Do you see my point? What is the purpose for which you want to fast? If it is to gain a more spiritual state of consciousness, then it is not necessary to abstain from food. It is necessary to abstain from certain types of heavier food, such as meat, and to abstain from eating too much food. However, it is not necessary to abstain from all food, and it can indeed be counterproductive to do so. What will it take for you to have a more spiritual experience? Everything in your life revolves around your attention. If your attention is on worldly affairs, it is more difficult to have a spiritual experience. So in order to get a higher experience, you need to take your attention away from worldly affairs, including the physical body. Yet the simple fact is that abstaining from food is not the best way to take your attention away from the body. Most people who fast by totally abstaining from food find this to be such a difficult experience, that they end up putting more and more attention on the body the longer they fast. So the true meaning of fasting is to take your attention away from worldly matters and focus it on spiritual matters. Yet even this must be understood more deeply. For there are many people who think that focusing on spiritual matters means studying a spiritual teaching with the intellect or practicing a spiritual technique. This is not necessarily invalid at a certain level of the path, but when you come to the higher levels, "fasting" truly means to empty your mind of everything and attuning it to your Presence. Fasting means focusing on experiencing pure awareness, so you truly become the open door for the Presence. Meaning you have no preconceived opinions that color the impressions from the Presence. You cannot do this at the lower levels of the path, but at higher levels this is your main goal. What has happened over the centuries is two things. First of all, Christianity was hijacked by literalists, who thought everything should be interpreted literally—according to their definition of a literal interpretation. Secondly, during the Middle Ages, Christianity became hijacked by people who focused on life as suffering. You will see that in most art from that period, I am depicted as hanging on the cross, suffering greatly. So instead of focusing on my positive teaching – that I came to give all people life and that more abundantly – Christianity became focused on the few hours I suffered on the cross. And then came the belief that it was my suffering on the cross that "bought" humankind's salvation by somehow compensating for people's sins. You will easily see that this was influenced by the age-old belief that sacrificing an animal – by bleeding it to death – could pay for one's sins. A belief that was in complete opposition to my true teaching, but which nevertheless came to dominate the view of my mission. As a result, it came to be believed that God – who was seen as good – required that you suffer before you could be free from sin. The insanity of this belief can be seen by considering the following. You have done something that caused suffering to another human being. You acknowledge this, and now you voluntarily put yourself through a process that causes suffering to yourself, thinking this second suffering will somehow compensate for the first suffering. Yet in today's world, you know that everything is energy. What you did to another, created a certain amount of misqualified energy. When you cause yourself to suffer, you create even more misqualified energy. Two wrongs do not make a right, because misqualified energy cannot eliminate misqualified energy. The only way to compensate for one's sins is to produce positive energy, which can indeed transform the misqualified. Yet it can only do so if both sides have truly forgiven, which is why I emphasized forgiving all who have harmed you. So my point is that over the centuries, the focus on suffering caused people to think that since abstaining from food causes you to suffer, this was a way to pay for your sins. And thus, has come the added belief that the more you suffer, the more you pay back sins. And this was then tied in with the idea that I fasted for 40 days, and some people then came to see this as the ultimate form of suffering through fasting. Some have even thought that if they died trying to fast for 40 days, they would surely be rewarded in heaven. They thought, "I will not surely die." Do you see that this is a complete misunderstanding? First of all, trying to abstain from all food for 40 days would kill many people, and suicide is not the way to a higher state of consciousness. Secondly, those who can survive fasting for that long, will end up focusing most of their attention on the pains of the body, which takes your attention away from being the open door for the Presence. So what is gained by this? And thirdly, deliberately causing yourself to suffer will produce misqualified energy that will not help your spiritual growth. Concerning the 40 days, it should be considered that 2,000 years ago, people did not conceive of numbers the same way you do today. In today's world, most schoolchildren understand that you can count to very high numbers. How many of you tried to count to one thousand when you were children? Yet 2,000 years ago, most adults could not count to one thousand, let alone conceive of this number. So back then, people simply could not conceive of the kind of numbers you today use to calculate the national debt. And even today, you will see that people have trouble visualizing how much money a country like the United States actually owes—it is simply too big to relate to anything in "real life." You may have heard that animals cannot count any higher than two. The same goes for some native peoples, who distinguish between one and two, but anything above two is seen as "many." Well, there was a somewhat similar mechanism at play 2,000 years ago. People could count to a dozen, but anything above that was seen as "many." The words used for that has since then been translated to the western "score," but even the word "score" was originally used about an indeterminate amount and it was only in more modern times that a precise number was attached to it. So when the Bible says that I fasted for 40 days, the actual number was not 40. It was simply a "large" number of days I spent in the wilderness. And here is another point. I went into the wilderness – and I did actually go away from human settlements – in order to have a spiritual experience, and I stayed only long enough to have that experience. During that time, I ate whatever food I could find, so as to keep my body just comfortable enough that I did not have to put my attention on the body, but could keep my attention free from outer distractions to focus within. So if you try to imitate this by forcing yourself to fast for 40 days, you will actually put yourself in a frame of mind, that will make it more difficult for you to have a true spiritual experience. Because you will not simply be open to letting the experience happen at its own pace—you will be seeking to force it. And what you seek to force, you will be pushing ahead of you, as the donkey pushing the carrot hanging from a stick in front of its nose. Any time – and I mean ANY time – you seek to force a spiritual experience, you will not have a true experience. Instead, you will open yourself up to lower forces, who can indeed give you an experience that is far beyond your ordinary state of consciousness, but it is not a true spiritual experience because it does not make you the open door for your Presence or ascended beings. Over the centuries, many people have attempted to take heaven by force and have opened themselves up to lower forces, thinking they had had a genuine spiritual experience. That is why fasting should not be attempted by people who are not balanced and who do not have both personal protection and spiritual discernment (discernment of spirits). Do you see that fasting can very easily become an ego game? The ego wants to do something extreme, because it either wants to set itself apart from others, or it even thinks this will earn it points in the eyes of God. So, in conclusion, the way to fast is to take your attention away from whatever draws it outwards. You need to empty your mind so you can be an open door for the Presence. The only way to do this is to approach fasting the same way as you approach everything else on the path: through always striving for balance. This is simply the only way for you to pass the initiation of encountering the tempter, as you will do whenever you rise to a higher level of consciousness, and as you saw that I was tempted by the devil after my however many days in the wilderness. You also need to see that it is not constructive to take what I am saying here as a reason to withdraw from society and isolate yourself. It is valid to withdraw for a time in order to establish your inner connection to your Presence. Yet once you begin to have this connection, you can now get involved in society without losing it. And in the Golden Age, we need people who can be involved with society while being the open doors for ideas from the ascended realm. In today's age, I would say that the most important way to fast is NOT by abstaining from food. The best way to fast is to eat enough to keep your body a non-issue and then keep your mind away from all of the "information pollution" with which modern people are bombarded. It is not the physical body that is the greatest hindrance for modern people; it is the fact that your minds are overstimulated by the information that comes at you from so many sources. So the best way to fast is to turn off this stream of external information. And then turn off the internal bombardment, caused by the mind creating problems and then trying to convince you that you have to solve them. It is all a matter of monitoring where your attention goes. The kingdom of God is within you, so you will not enter it as long as your attention is constantly focused outside the point of stillness within you. So try fasting from "information food" for a while. The good news is that abstaining from keeping up with what your friends are doing on Facebook won't kill you—even after 40 days.

Sigh.. Ok whatever. I was gonna reply @Key Elements anyways.. I was gonna say that in most of the cases the stages are already about where the consciousness level is rather than how the situation looks or free from the manifestations in display. As if, take the example of committing suicide. If you look at the same act from turquoise stage it is a complete different story versus where everything turns into offense whenever what guru says is completely misunderstood because of the mismatch of the consciousness levels of the related parties. History is full of examples of what the enlightened beings are through while trying to awaken the society.

Having suffered from a degree of confusion that reached a point that left me crippled and paralyzed in bed, unable to make choices sometimes to the smallest details, questioning almost every existential matter possible, I believe I have a certain authority on this subject. After having have watched Leo's video on the topic of confusion —whilst he made some very valid points and I don't criticize his video as a whole altogether— it is my feeling that I am able to contribute even further to this topic, since I had to develop my own way and strategies on how to deal with an incredibly confused mind; A mind that didn't know what left or right was, that didn't know what forward or back was, what up or down was, what was going to help me or what was going to hurt me. The advice I'm going to give is to anyone who is sincere enough to face the fact of his own ignorance, to admit to himself that he doesn't know the answer to the dilemma he is in. If you try to resolve your confusion by clinging to some idea you have learned in the past, you are not being sincere to yourself. Also, the confusion I'm going to portray in my story is the confusion of facing the existential desert; it is the confusion where you have lost your orientation, and don't know where to go next anymore. I feel like many people face confusion, but it is not about being totally lost and disoriented as far as life itself is concerned; it is about facing an obstacle which you are unsure how to navigate around it. But beyond that obstacle, you still see a certain heading or direction. My confusion is about the deepest, existential confusion possible. Nevertheless, the advice I'm going to give at the end of the post is applicable for both "ordinary" confusion and "existential" confusion. Let me give you a short peek of my story. My story Having read and watched much material on the topic of spirituality and mysticism, particularly from Osho, I found myself eventually in a state where I started to lose my capacity to orient myself. If you know Osho, you know that his teaching can be incredibly contradictory and non-linear, primarily for the simple fact that his books have been derived from his talks, which often was oriented to answer questions, and he himself said that it was his purpose to answer the questioner instead of the question. This implies that he accounts for the questioner's unique situation, which means it is specifically applicable to that person, but may in fact be harmful to another person. But this was Osho's approach. I on one hand loved the many different perspectives he brought to the table, and the cleverness and intelligence he presented these perspectives, but on the other hand he never clarified a specific path, a certain clarity of which to derive orientation from, as far as your evolutionary progress of consciousness concerned. Maybe in one book he presented such a model to understand it, but in another book you would yet again feel contradicted. Regardless, eventually I became very confused to all this vast array of knowledge, as I had a large amount of perspectives, but no clear direction, or something that I could work towards. I was simply too confused, too overwhelmed by the vast amount of possibilites on literally every subject. Eventually this lead me so far down the rabbit hole I started to become suicidal. Not suicidal because I thought ending my life would be the solution to my problems, but rather, because I had this strong sense that SOMETHING had to be done amidst my complete paralysis, and not the idea of suicide, but the idea of pushing my pain so much I would perhaps have a transformation at the brink of suicide, appealed to my egoic mind the most at that time. The egoic mind had me completely in its grip, and this idea I had come across that only in absolute despair you are able to be transformed, somehow appealed a little bit to me too much, which I was trying to push the pain through suicidial behaviour. Of course, the idea that you need utter despair is also simply a perspective, which doesn't have to be valid or at least relevant to my situation, but it seemed very real to me at the time. After some time, I realized that it was going to be actual suicide (which I didn't want to do in the first place, so it was really a gimmick to begin with), or I needed not to hope for transformation, but to actually transform myself, which also wasn't going to be this one-time event. But if you're so incredibly confused, that every time you think of a possibility or perspective, then immediately your mind throws in the opposite viewpoint, discerning your initial plan, then it becomes incredibly difficult, because you have no idea what you're supposed to be doing in the first place. I would describe the situation you're in —or think you're in— at that point with being submerged in the sea on a moonless night, with no orientation whatsoever. You want to breathe, you in fact you want to breathe desperately, but you can't tell where the surface is. You don't know what is up or down, left or right, forward or backward... Then how to make a choice? What if you accidentally simply go deeper down into the sea and drown altogether? This is how the situation of utter confusion feels like. You feel like you're starting to run out of breath by the fatigue of the confusion you've already been battered with, but you're afraid to move of making the situation even worse. The reality in this metaphor is, however, that you in fact have gills, and that you need to start swimming for oxygen and thus life to run through your gills! Of course when you're still in the water there is no water running through your gills, and thus you're not deriving any oxygen from the water. But if you have gills, then it doesn't matter which direction you're swimming. But we'll get to that. So how did I manage to get myself out of such a state of confusion. Well... I will portray this by a quote from (who else but) Osho. What does this story imply? What does it signify? It is a metaphor for disorientation, for existential confusion. It is the stream of life. It tells us about how we are able to navigate the terrain of life with a certain capacity to orient ourselves. It doesn't mean the terrain is always smooth and cooperative, and sometimes there are obstacles which have to be navigated around, but at least we can recognize that they're obstacles as such. You may be confused, uncertain as to how to get around a certain obstacle, but at least you can see it as an obstacle and you know the terrain continues after that. But as far as the desert is concerned... Then what? For as far as you can see there are only dry sands, and you begin to dry up... Where to go? This story talks about the winds. About how to trust the winds to carry you over. It sounds absurds to the mind. What winds? You see yourself as seperate from the winds. You think you have to find your navigation by your own... but there is no landmark whatsoever for orientation. The winds portray the Tao; The winds signify the flow of existence, of life. The egoic mind is diametrically opposed against this flow. If you were to become one with this flow, it would mean ego death. So how can the ego possibly not resist it? It has to! But ultimately, the way to get out of this confused, disoriented state is to relinquish your personal resistance against life, against the flow of life, and allows yourself to be carried with it. What does this mean in practical terms? How did I apply this in my personal situation. Going beyond my confusion Realizing I needed to transform myself instead of waiting on a transformation to happen, I realized two essential things. First off, I needed a determination for myself, a commitment. I had read "when going through hell don't stop" from Douglas Bloch at that time, and the title couldn't be more appropiate. It is one of the best titles for a book ever made. It is exactly that: When you're in an incredible amount of suffering, then why stop exactly there? Then why get obsessed with it and start fighting and reacting against it? You won't manage to push it away; in fact, you'll only stop right in the middle of it instead of moving further. If you were in actual hell, but you knew it had a beginning and an end, would you stop there to go sightseeing whilst being consumed by fire? Of course not! So his book called for a longer-term determination. An attitude that no matter what happens, you'll keep setting one step at a time and hold this vision for yourself that things will get better. He also recommended a mood journal: noting down how your day went every day, rating it by a number. This can be very helpful, since it allows you to stay with it in a certain objectivity; You don't get as lost in your subjective experiences and judgements about yourself, but you stay objective to some degree. This is not necessarily a tool for dealing with confusion per se, since it also helpful for getting out any sort of ditch; be it depression, anxiety, or what have you. But it is definitely an essential attitude that I needed to develop at the time being, and it can help you too. The second important attitude I needed to change, and this one is relevant specifically to confusion, is that I needed to make choices for the sake of making choices itself. Instead of trying to make the best decision possible, the emphasis now shifted on making the choice anyways, on the capacity to make choices for choices sake. This meant many choices were made, with no idea on what basis I was making them. Sometimes I would choose A, sometimes I would choose B, and then the next day A again, and sometimes AB... or C... And with absolutely no (apparent) intuitive or mental foundation on to which base this decision! At least at first, it was all seemingly at random! There seemed to be no pattern to it. This was a major shift in focus, and required a great amount of trust. This trust is what the story was talking about, the story about the stream of life. This trust is something very mysterious, because where does this trust come from? How do you know you can trust this trust? What guaranteed me that simply making choices for choices sake was going to get me out of all this confusion? It certainly wasn't something that was immediately obvious when I started to attempt to trust this trust, that showed itself clearly that "this is the way". But somehow, this trust somehow always remained somewhere on the background from that point on. Even when it seemed faraway and sometimes even appeared nonexistent, it always remained on the background somewhere, sometimes without me noticing it. Why was this trust there? What logical basis was there to show me that I could rely on this trust? There was none, as I've already been able to doubt absolutely anything anyways. And neither was there a sense of intuition that I was aware of that was guiding me. But when times are so rough that there is really no other alternative than to evolve, miracles can happen. A response from your being then comes stronger than the objections than your mind can make, and you now start functioning from a complete unknown source, a source not supported by the mind or logic, or even by feelings, how I felt about something. Because I had made choices by logic alone, which ultimately had failed, and I had made choices from feelings alone, which ultimately had failed. On top of that, any "feeling-intutive" sense also now seemed to be obscured by the excessive mind activity. Now how to make choices? From what center? But I had to make choices, so that's what I did. By and by, functioning from an unknown source became more comfortable to me. I still didn't know for sure I was making the right choices or decisions, and there still showed no consistent, reliable pattern, but the anxiety about "needing to make the right choice" seemed to cease more and more. I became more relaxed in it. That's when it started to become more and more clear to me that it was never about the choices and decisions I made in the first place —it never was— but about the quality of how you make your decisions, and how whole-heartedly you make those decisions. Then you can relax in it, whatsoever you choose to do. The decisions you make now come from a deeper place. I call it: Being-intuition. How does my experience apply to you? (advice part) Understand that you reading this may not have reached the point yet where you are able to act the same way I now act, regarding the way I make decisions, but nevertheless there are some things I wish I would've known when I was at the height of my confusion. Let us first be clear about what confusion actually is. In its most simple definition: The need to know. If you are confused, it means you need to know something, otherwise something within you remains unsatisfied. Isn't it a little bit strange? Can't existence be fine without you understanding it? Babies don't know anything at all, yet they're perfectly happy. But our minds want to be able to grasp, want to understand, are afraid of the unknown. If we want confusion to settle, we need to let go of our need to know. But ultimately, this is not possible in the beginning. The compulsion to understand is too great even if we intellectually understand and agree that ultimately there is nothing that we can and should try to know. Just because we are aware that there is no necessity to know, does not mean we are instantly able to stop this momentum of unsatisfiable curiosity. Nor should we. Acknowledgement of the fact that we do not know the answer is the first step. Acknowledgement that there is no need to ultimately know anything nor could we, is the second step. Or I should say: Acknowledgement of the fact that the possiblity of the previous statement exists. It has not been your experience yet that nothing could or should be known, and just because I say so may convince your mind, but it will not convince the deeper core of your being, of your system. For that reason, if you have the need to really ponder and contemplate upon a certain subject, don't hesitate to do so! If you live by the idea that nothing can be known and nothing should be attempted to try to know anything, you're going directly against yourself. For you, this is simply an idea that is being presented to you; It has not been your reality yet. If you try to avoid confusion or questioning, you will be fighting against yourself, you will start become divided and ultimately this will lead to a lot of unnecessary suffering. What needs to happen is that your intellectual sword of the many opposing perspectives and ideas need to be sharpened to such an extent, that just by experience you start to see the futility of it. The futility is of the fact that despite having all this knowledge, all these perspectives, all these ideas, you still don't know how to live by them. You still don't know how to implement them into your own life. You still don't know how to integrate them, where to find the balance, which perspective to apply when, and how to actually live it! The map is not the territory! But this can only happen when you take your contemplation, your questioning and pondering to the most extreme degree possible for you, as to where you will start to see the futility of your knowledge as far as your happiness is concerned by your own experience. Then naturally, you will want to step away from this knowledge because it's becoming too heavy for you. So, paradoxically, the sword of knowledge needs to be sharpened to a degree that it is sharp enough to cut away from itself! If it's blunt it can not cut itself away. Go figure that one out And be very, very honest to yourself. If you try to delude yourself by holding onto an old fixated perspective or by avoiding a certain perspective out of fear because of what implications it could have if it were true, you are only making the process more difficult for yourself But there's one important thing to notice: Just because I give you permission to ponder, question and contemplate, as you should, doesn't mean that you can't take a break from it. Here's what I recommend: I say that whenever a question is on your mind, or that whenever you want to clarify and go deeper into a certain perspective because you are curious how deep the rabbit hole goes, then go and do so. Personally, I'd recommend taking a walk. Taking a walk always helped me quite a bit because it allowed my thoughts to be a little bit clearer and sharper, and thus it significantly made this contemplation process easier. It may not work the same way for you that way, but for me taking a walk definitely helped me. Alternatively, you can also write down your thoughts and get them on paper (or Word or whatever). Then if you write them down, they will have a certain solidity to it. This can also help tremendously. So, if you're then going out taking a walk whils pondering, writing down your thoughts, or just sitting at home contemplating, go as deeply into the matter as possible. Think or write down all the thoughts and perspectives and ideas you can come up with for that time being, and at some point you will notice that either you are out of relevant, renewing thoughts, or your mind simply gets too tired from all this thinking. So at this point is where you decide to let it all down, and just leave it be for now. Now you can give yourself permission to let it all go just for that moment, because you cleared up everything that was possible for you at that moment. Take some rest now, do something else, and later on you'll either go deeper into the same subject, or start pondering upon a new subject (or an interrelated subject), which you can then explore until your mind gets tired. This I found to be the healthiest expression of dealing with confusion. I only learned this after I got through the climax of my personal period of confusion. By the way, after that climax, that crescendo of confusion has ended, there will still be confusion and questioning sometimes, but it will gradually become less and less (intrusive). So: Don't fight confusion, don't pretend that you're above it all and should attempt not to try to know something, but go into it as your mind desires to. If the topic is too much in the forefront of your mind, then allow it to surface! Don't fear confusion, go through it! Do you think you will be able to avoid your matters of confusion for the rest of your life? If you have just a little bit of intelligence, these questions will keep on coming back, demanding your attention to answer them. Now once again, they will not ultimately be answered, as nothing can ultimately be known for sure by the mind, but your perspectives, arguments and viewpoints will be as sharp as you can possibly get them. And when your mind gets too tired, or you're out of renewing ideas and perspectives, at that moment, drop it. Now you are able to. And if you keep on doing this and persisting in questioning, you will reach a point where almost everything has now been questioned and almost every existential perspective (at least the ones that are relevant to you at that moment) have now been clarified, and now the matter of how to drop this questioning mind will come to the forefront by itself. Now it's not something you're trying to make happen, now it's something that starts happening by it own; Now you start questioning the very nature of questioning itself, not because you thought you should, but because your system now requires that from you. And that is the moment that you start moving completely into the unknown. Now you start making decisions from which you do not know on which logic you make them from. If you persist in making decisions and choices on an illogical basis long enough (and notice, the idea of making "illogical decisions" can become another obsession by the mind), you'll now start to connect with true being-intuition. The difference between being-intuition and the more common feeling-intuition is that feeling-intuition just considers how you feel about something, whereas being-intuition both considers how you feel about something, and what you think is necessary to do in that situation, what your mind tells you, and then takes both centers into persective and makes a choice based from the unknown, the unknowable. That is being-intuition: Making choices from the unknown, yet with a strange, unexplainable sense of certainty if you really start to connect with it, which will not happen at first. But at first when you're moving out of confusion, you'll have to make choices anyways, even if you have no sense of certainty whatsoever or what you're doing or why you're doing it. So in conclusion: Questioning is good, it is normal, and should not be repressed. Confusion is only a sign that you're moving forward. Only idiots are not confused. Only idiots can live a life of apparent certainty. You are not such a person, otherwise you would most likely not be reading this. You should be aware from the very getgo that the perspective exists that ultimately nothing can be known at all with certainty by the mind, but if this is merely an idea to you and not an experience, hold the perspective in the back of your mind but don't attach yourself to the idea that "I don't know" either. So question, wonder, ponder, and don't hold back, until your mind temporarily gets tired and you actually feel like dropping it. And when questioning, wondering and pondering, go on a walk or start writing. This can help elevate your level of mental clarity, thus helping the process. And on a longer, more permanent basis, when the whole thing altogether gets too much, and you really want to drop this mind altogether, then you need to start accepting to be absorbed into the flow of life. How do you start doing that? If your realization is deep enough, you will be able to drop it by making decisions based on what appears to be thin air, on no logical basis. And notice: Making decisions based on feelings is also making them "on a logical basis", meaning you logically use your feelings. You can use logic to make decisions, and you can also use your feelings to make decisions, but they are not the primary core of which your decisions come from, they can simply act as facilitating information for the unknown to act from. This may sound as very strange and uncomprehensible to you, but it is only a matter of time until you reach this stage and you will start to understand by experience what I'm talking about. All of this has been at least my experience, my point of view. I can not attest with absolute certainty that what I've described will be the path for everybody, but I reckon it certainly will be for many, because if it could happen in this way to me, it means there were universal laws that allowed and made it to be so, and those universal laws will also apply to other people aswell, though the details may differ. Also notice that you don't necessarily have to go to the same degree of confusion and despair I found myself in. I was a lunatic. And with this guide, I hope to prevent in you the same degree of total confused disorientation Good luck

Patanjali says in first sutra Athayoganushasanam. translation- NOW THE DISCIPLINE OF YOGA. First try to understand the word "now". This "now" indicates to the state of mind. If you are disillusioned, if you are hopeless, if you have completely become aware of the futility of all desires, if you see your life as meaningless - whatsoever you have been doing up to now has simply fallen dead nothing remains in the future, you are in absolute despair - what Kierkegaard calls anguish. If you are in anguish, suffering, not knowing what to do, not knowing where to go, not knowing to whom to look, just on the verge of madness or suicide or death, your whole pattern of life suddenly has become futile. If this moment has come, Patanjali says, NOW THE DISCIPLINE OF YOGA. Only now you can understand the science of yoga, the discipline of yoga. If that moment has not come, you can go on studying yoga, you can become a great scholar, but you will not be a yogi. You can write theses upon it, you can give discourses upon it, but you will not be a yogi. The moment has not come for you. Intellectually you can become interested, through your mind you can be related to yoga, but yoga is nothing if it is not a discipline. Yoga is not a shastra; it is not a scripture. It is a discipline. It is something you have to do. It is not curiosity; it is not philosophic speculation. It is deeper than that. It is a question of life and death. If the moment has come where you feel that all directions have become confused, all roads have disappeared; the future is dark, and every desire has become bitter, and through every desire you have known only disappointment; all movement into hopes and dreams has ceased. ~OSHO @okulele Read more about 'real meaning' of Yoga http://oshosearch.net/Convert/Articles_Osho/Yoga_The_Alpha_and_the_Omega_Volume_1/Osho-Yoga-The-Alpha-and-the-Omega-Volume-1-00000001.html http://oshosearch.net/Convert/Articles_Osho/Yoga_The_Alpha_and_the_Omega_Volume_1/Osho-Yoga-The-Alpha-and-the-Omega-Volume-1-index.html

I have a question regarding one of Leos statements. He once said that you literally have to die to attain enlightenment. I think that statement was either made in "what is consciousness?" or "what is intelligence?". Does that mean for example, when I'm tripping and I'm asked for some mystical creature to jump from the balcony, I should do that? I mean how can i be sure, that there is no "evil entity", that is trying to trick me into killing myself or something? I'm asking that, because i already had similar experiences like that, but i thought, that this was bullshit, and therefore i did not kill myself. I'm certainly not that suicidal guy, but i need that to know what is beyond the profane existence. EDIT: Changed the titel

1. a suicide bomber, after his death, will be in "heaven" and get his 72 virgins. 2. heaven with gardens, fruits, milk-lakes (Quran/Bible version of Heaven) exists. about # 1 first. How can this be? the bomber is claiming so many innocent lives - how can such a person go to heaven? The answer: he goes to his version of heaven. We know that from God's point of view, there is no good/evil - it's all one, no distinctions So what appears to us in our experience is what we expect (law of attraction) What really drives this manifestation to reality is the BELIEF in it. We expect to die when we go in the water and cannot breath, or jump off a sky-scraper... (sounds silly, i know) but this expectation is another word for blind-belief, without a shred of a doubt... most suicide bombers/terrorists - especially in Afghanistan/Iraq etc are BRAINWASHED by another, promising heaven/72 virgins in the afterlife if they do this deed for the sake of God/Allah what we must realize is that these persons reach levels of belief that is unbroken, it is a 100% surety for them. some of these were taught when they were young kids... they have been grown up as lamb for slaughterING - so to them, it is an absolute truth that the end result is heaven their consiousness is clear - there is no guilt. only guilt needs to be gotten rid of. guilt/good/bad feelings are all illusiory... so provided that they have 100% belief in the end result, that is what they will manifest/see after death. that due to his/her deed, she/he is now in heaven (in the way it is consturcted in their mind - with other souls also living in that place jsut as others live among us in this dream of the "world" ) and in that construct of heaven, he/she will live eternally - he/she may never recognize the true nature/essence of us (may eventually) but that is the reality in which she/he lives after death AS THEIR MIND EXPECTS IT TO also. to those who practice law of attraction/manifestation. it only works if you have undying belief in the process not just that, if i think about being rich or getting money outta nowhere, it will happen. if you somehow became aware of the mechanics of this, and did believe as strongly as you do about dying if jumping outta building, then you will manifest that reality infront of you almost instantly about # 2 if one takes the pious/normal route to death and again, she/he is a believer of the heaven promised by Quran/bible - then that is where she/he will dwell allow me to ask you this. sure all that would/could be another construct of reality which is all illusiory - but given the option, would you not take it? that you can never die - live eternally in bliss and harmony - live with whoever you wish/will, marry or whatever as many women as you please (because that's the law of the land - in heaven, as we are told and as is constructed in your mind) in short: one having not a firm enough believe may not get this version of heaven after life, it is ultimately our beliefs which define our reality very important to note that this promised heaven is still illusiory but who will complain if one lives in eternal illusion if there is no pain, hungery, violence and nothing but fun,sex,food, no disease, no dirt, peace the higher level of full transesnedant out of the illusion to the god-head / oneness state is still the most higher level but this path/end still awaits to those souls who would be having this experinince knowing reality as all possiblities that can be, and all are now - then these states i describe above absoultely do exist. nothing can not exist. just the road-way, pathway to there needs to be taken - mechanism and belief is the key

I completely agree. Completely. I totally appreciate your effort, but it's not you the problem. The problem is that if you even DARE to chat about mens issues like suicide, not having purpose in life etc the left destroys your life and attacks you like you were the KKK, and at the same time they want tolerance for terrorists and ISIS. I think the left is in need of an insane asylum. How can you trust such a "progressive" movement? And I'm not from the right, I don't like conservatives. I'm very centrist politically. Another thing that worries some men and boys, in my opinion rightfully, is that we hope that once the womens issues are fixed, which I'm ALL IN FAVOUR and supportive, we can also get attention and empathy towards our problems. And at the end to get a pleasant society where everybody is accepted and not screamed at. Where there is no slut shaming and no "kill all men" and "all men are rapists". Why is it so hard to just care for our own life and let the other live their own? As a very calm and peaceful young man I find it very very cowardly to be classified as evil by the left. At the same time I don't like hearing slut shaming, because it's none of people's business what a woman does in her life. What I'm trying to say is that you can't fix some biases towards women by treating men like monsters, we are people with emotions and feelings and fears too. We love and breathe too. But to the left this is just nazi propaganda.

In this essay, I will try my best to use the language of logic to indicate the significance of the illogical for those who are too attached to logic, yet I will also argue against the illogical for those who are too attached to the dimension of the heart. Then, I'm trying to create a holistic perspective in which both are integrated, but neither one of them has become an attachment. This will have its limitations, because the first "illogicality" I was talking about was in a certain sense still logical. That illogicality can still be logically pointed out why it is functional. So there's a certain rationality towards that dimension of being irrational. However, there is a certain point where no matter how strong your logic is, a leap will have to be taken into trust. Trust, genuine trust (not faith or belief), requires you to take a jump into the absurd, the unexplainable, the unknowable: not having the capacity to be understood by the mind. This I call the truest form of absurdity, of illogicality. It's difficult to argue why this has so much significance to take this jump; you will have to experience it, that's the only way. However, there are still some pointers I can provide, some perspectives that can be utilized. But obviously, only the direct experience can free you and truly make you understand it, and not a intellectual agreement of it, though this can be the first step. Firstly, let's discuss the matter of why atheism/rationalism, and its loyal brother called "science", is an act of limiting yourself and ultimately an ego strategy for keeping you stuck. Often times, people ask for "evidence" when a certain statement is made within the realm of religiousity or spirituality, or even just general self-development. The problem is, that such a thing cannot be proven as an absolute truth by its very nature, because everybody is different. Science is good for the development of new technologies and the discoveries of universal truths, such as the realm of physics and mathemathics. However, as far as the matter of humanity is concerned, things really start becoming much more complex. The realm of spirituality, religion and even psychology are cluttered with paradoxes and opposites. What is poison for one person, can be the cure for the other one. It all depends on the makeup of someone's system: one's heart, one's beliefs, one's conditioning, one's personality and so forth... For this reason, how can science and psychology provide any evidence for a technique that would work for all? Impossible! We are all unique individuals, and there is no absolute truth that works for everyone all the time. At least, as far as the conventional perspective is concerned. From the perspective of the absolute, of the all, then perhaps there are truths that work for everyone. Let me give you an example. Take the statement: Love frees you from suffering. Is this true? I would definitely say so. However, what happens when people start taking this statement very seriously? Then people start to act loving, to pretend they are loving, to believe they are loving, when in reality they carry a lot of judgement, resentment, hatred and so forth within them. In reality, the action that is required for them could be to become very assertive, dismiss people out of their lives, start saying "NO!", become angry at someone and defend themselves from hurt that others can inflict upon them. It's not to say that THAT is the absolute truth either for happiness and peace, but it is the relative truth that at that moment works for them, because that is a part they need to develop at that point. True love is only possible when you know how to defend and assert yourself. True love also doesn't mean to always be soft, kind and gentle towards people. Sometimes it is necessary to be harsh and to deliver uncomfortable truths to people directly. Again, relative truths that they need to embody at that stage of their development. Do you see the limitations of science here in the fields of psychological development? Humans are incredibly complex, and a particular advice can be poison for one person and medicine for the other. It all depends what part of them they need to develop at that particular stage in their evolution. Sometimes masculine values have to practiced, and sometimes feminine values. What I just argued for wasn't necessarily against atheistic viewpoints so much; It didn't do much to disprove the notion of a purely materialistic and accidental reality, as atheists believe, but my feeling is that many rationalists turn towards science to explain for them how to live, and my argumentation was to support the dismissal of this notion. Then, if we understand the complexity of our psychology, and we realize that there are no absolute truths and therefore techniques or methods we can eternally hold onto, we may start to realize that our intellectual systems will eventually be limiting towards progressing further in our evolution. Then, we may start looking for a different center from which to make decisions from. This is where the heart comes into play: The world of feelings and emotions. However, what usually (if not always) happens is that instead of understanding that an integration between heart and mind needs to take place, which allows the intuition of the soul to truly open up, we start instead becoming identified with our feelings and we dismiss the cold rationality of the mind. It's not that the mind now has completely disappeared, but that it now utilizes the heart for its beliefs and decisions. It's not that at this point that the identification with the mind has been transcended, but that the mind now simply doesn't purely function from itself only. Feelings now have a great significance, and certainly they do have a great existential importance, but the irony is that the mind starts dismissing its own analytical processes; at least on the surface level. In reality, the mind is still running the entire business, but the underlying belief one is now attached to is: "I should go by what feels right". One does now realize the importance of connection, love, communion, empathy and so forth, but fails to understand that the mind has to be used in this physical reality. Mind has its purpose, and needs to be used consciously, instead of being dismissed. If we fail to integrate our heart and mind, we then start becoming too "weak". We become too floaty, too undriven, too undisciplined. We start dismissing rational, logical decisions which would've helped us further or prevented us from getting in trouble because "It doesn't feel right" Ultimately, this will backfire on us. This is the hypocrisy that —often cold-hearted— rational people such as atheists can see in people who are too identified with their emotions and feelings, as we are experts in pointing out the flaws of our polar opposites, but fail to see the dysfunctionality within ourselves. So naturally, scientists, atheists, rationalists, and all the types of people who are functioning almost purely from their mind and logical systems, feel a great resistance towards the people who get so caught up in their emotions and feelings, as they can see that they get nothing done, that they lack a "down-to-earth" approach, that they are too much floating around in the skies, that they lack self-control and discipline. And certainly, there is a certain truth to this. However, if we dismiss our subjective reality entirely, then we set ourselves up for a great amount of suffering. Then we keep in our emotions, then we start to feel disconnected from existence and other human beings, then we repress our desires if they don't correlate to our rationalist perspective, then we start becoming overwhelmed by stress and anxiety... You may become very succesful in the material world, but you'll realize it's all hollow and you're still the same unhappy person as you were before. In fact, you are unhappier now because you now got what you thought you needed to be happy, but you're still not happy. Now, hope also starts slipping out of your hands. The only way out of this is to start realizing the significance of your subjective reality; You start honouring your feelings, your emotions. You allow yourself to cry or to express joy and laughter in a very frivolous, free-flowing manner. This can be a great relief to your system, and you start to realize the significance of feelings and emotions. However, as I have already explained, the mind tends to swing to the polar opposite. At first we may have honored our rationalism to a great degree, but as we started seeing the pain of our lack of emotional awareness, we now tend to become very antagonistic towards what we first considered to be so valuable. Somehow, we often start to forget all the hypocrisy we saw in people who became very identified with their emotions and feelings. I have already explained what this can result in. Let's get into the next phase. There comes a point when we start once again see the limitations of this identification with all these feelings and the dismissal of the mind, as we were able to when we were still rationalists. However, if we've lived through this phase of feeling-identification, we now start to realize that both heart and mind has a certain significance. This is the door to wisdom. We start to understand that both the language of the heart and the mind has a certain significance. What we don't immediately understand however, is how to proprely integrate both of them. We now start to try to philosophize and figure out logical systems in which we can somehow apply a technique, a strategy, a method as on how to integrate them. We think and think, and the more we go into the many perspectives on what ground or logic we can make our decisions on, the more we start to realize that there is always an opposite perspective to whatever standpoint we take. We use logic —the mind— to try and integrate mind and heart, but again and again we fail to truly understand how to find this balance, because if we really go deeply into it, we always realize that an opposing argument is just around the corner for whatever standpoint we try to take. This can lead to greats amount of confusion, because we don't know what is left and right anymore, what's up and above, what will help us and what will hinder us, what is forward and what is backward... Life can start becoming really difficult and, as was my personal experience, you can come to a point where you become so confused that it paralyzes you to the point where all you do is lay in bed all day, just thinking —even though you're physically perfectly health— and the confusion and thoughts become so crippling that you lose the motivation to do anything at all, except for perhaps supplying the needs for your physical survival. This is the dark night of doubt and confusion, which I personally probably went into more extremely than 99% of people ever will, granted people will reach this stage in their life in the first place. It got me to the point where I started considering and attempting suicide. And it was not merely because I wanted the pain to stop (as I was very open to the idea of reincarnation, this seemed rather futile anyways), but because all other ideas had failed for me, I now had the idea that perhaps if I push the pain to so far that it reaches a certain limit, then perhaps it will somehow instantly transform me, or at least reverse the direction that my life seemed to be heading in. I'm talking about the pain you experience when you're on the edge of death, but haven't made the last step into it yet. So it wasn't really about actually ending it, but pushing the pain to such an extreme so that perhaps something would crack in me and I would have some sort of transformation. It was a last-resort solution, no other idea seemed to work for me anymore. Eventually, I started to realize that this wasn't going to work out for me either. Either it was going to be actual suicide, or a complete change in attitude. Even though I had very strong doubts and fears that it would actually work, there was just one thing I could think of. And that was this: I simply had to make decisions, not knowing whether they were right or wrong, not knowing whether they were helpful or hindering, not knowing whether it was going to make things better or worse, but making decisions for the sake of learning to make decisions, and committing to them (for that moment), as much as I can. It was completely stepping into the complete unknown, having all my intuitive capacities of feeling what I should be doing overshadowed by doubts and fears, and despite all of that still making decisions, and somehow, for no logical explanation at all, still trusting myself and existence in spite of all the worries, that I was heading in the right direction. This is the trust I want to talk about. This is the trust I can not —despite all my clever philosophical capacities— make an argument for as to why to go with it. Except for that it works. Where one who is identified with feelings only may call his/her decisions based on trust, it is still based on faith and identifying with a mental position, namely: "I should go with what feels right". It seems like you're trying to go with your intuition, but in fact, you're not. You're going with a mental position, where your heart simply facilitates your head. Or perhaps I should say: you're going with feeling-intuition, but not with being-intuition. Being-intuition seems in some ways similair to feeling-intiution, but in fact it is radically different. This is the type of intuition that I can not explain or argue in favour for to any rationalist. With feeling-intuition, I can still show the rationalist the significance of feelings and emotional expression as to unburden himself. With being-intuition, my hands are tied. It is a mystery as to what it is. Sometimes it tells you to go with "what feels right", thus implying heart. Sometimes it tells you to go with "what needs to be done", thus implying mind. And sometimes it is somewhere in between. But of course, it doesn't take up a mental position. It simply decides. And you trust it. How can you trust it? How do you know it won't deceive you? Well, there's no way to argue it away, but you simply trust it. It is letting the unknown function through you, and the only indication that this is the right thing to do is the sense of tranquility and peace you get from going along with it, which doesn't mean it stays away from discipline and things you really don't feel like doing. Often times, I don't really even know if I'm listening to my being-intuition or if i'm getting identified with either a mental or emotional (feeling-intuition) position. I'm not so acquianted with it just yet. I've only started to become somewhat acquainted with turquoise for less than a year now [reference to spiral dynamics model]. To differentiate being-intuition from and identification with an idea or feeling is very difficult to notice, very subtle. Most characteristic about it, I would say, is that the element of confusion or hesitation has started disappearing from it. Not that you know for sure this is the right decision, at least intellectually, but there's is no need to be sure anymore. You start to understand that the problem all along was not the decisions you were making, but the division within yourself you were creating when you were making your decisions. One part of you said you should do A, another part said you should do B. Perhaps you were identified with the position of A, but still your unconscious desired for B (or vica versa), so you were in conflict. Perhaps you were genuine enough to see both the validity of A and B, but were unsure as to what to choose, thus still in conflict. Now, with this being-intuition, the decision you make is not important anymore. You can choose A, and that's fine. You can choose B, and that's fine. Perhaps you can even choose AB, and that's also fine. Or perhaps today you choose A, and tomorrow you choose B, and eitherway it is still fine. Now, you start to become truly flexible: being able to switch between a feminine, passive modality to a masculine, active modality very quickly, for whatever the situation requires. You realize that none of this really matters, as long as there is not conflict within you making decisions. Finally, you really start to realize there's no need to worry at all, because you've come to the absolute realization of your own ignorance, so why be worried? You don't know anyways. You can't know! All this worry and striving and contemplating and pondering and disciplining and attempting to accept, trying to not try... All of that was just a complete joke! And you don't even renounce striving, or contemplating or anything like that. If it's a joke, then why avoid it? Jokes are to be played around with. If you start fighting with a joke, it won't be a joke anymore. In realizing all of this, true spirituality and peace starts to become available to you. Finally, you're approaching the promised land, which in reality was never anywhere else but here to begin with. But... Don't take what I say as a philosophy. You have to apply the specific lessons that are relevant for you right now. Your situation is different than mine. Be genuine with yourself, and see what the specific lesson is that you need to learn right now. Don't try to avoid it, even if it is very painful. The only way to peace is to go through the pain of facing yourself, facing your demons. There is no other way. Avoidance is simply delay. What's the point in delay?

For me, it was unconscious suffering. I had to choose between suicide or non-duality. Some choose suicide. I think Jeff Foster is another person who had to choose between suicide or non-duality.

Dear Stretch, you asked so I'll give it to you straight, One think you are running towards something, but the fact is you are merely seeking to avoid what you fear the most. The true Spiritual path is not up but down, its not trying to become something but allowing yourself to become nothing. And I am not talking about the switcheroo of self deception where one pretends to be nothing so that the ego, the very subtle ego, is still hoping to be something. (Something and nothing often having to do with significance) The Universe is a big place, the more you see of it the smaller you feel and the more you will seek to compensate. There was a monk who unlike the other monks never snuck out over the walls at night to visit the ladies in town, he was absolutely sincere in wanting to attain his first samadhi, there was a very holy week coming up and so he decided he would remain upon the top of a tower at the temple fasting and meditating and so he did, but the week went by, and he found himself as he was and decided why bother, and so he slowly lifted his leg over the railing so as to end his life. He did not jump, there was no hurry, his mind did not obsess, he had simply let go of his ambition. It was at this point that he attained samadhi. This is a stage that cannot be faked, suicide is not even important in the story, he simply stopped thinking about himself. Now here is a truth you need to swallow, a man can never possess what he HAS, he can only possess what we GIVES AWAY. If you give love, then you burn that fact into reality itself and nothing in the universe can contradict that, people can write books about how selfish you are, media can carry it across the world to where every human being actually believes you are selfish, and yet if you have given it, the universe will know and you will know. So in practical steps, start thinking about something nice you can do for another, you don't have to know the mysteries of the universe, rather allow yourself to be insignificant, be vulnerable, be broken, but be wise.

Leo said consciousness is not a biological phenomenon. Then, is it possible for my consciousness to exist as a ghost after death? Or, will my death lead to disappearance of my consciousness? Or, am I already a ghost living in an illusion of physical embodiment? Which is it? Do note that I am not pondering suicide. The opposite is the truth in my mind. I have been pondering what it's like to live forever. But, that question can wait until I obtain some kind of immortality. I'm not even sure if immortality is possible.

@Leo Gura Thanks Leo that helps me too. I tend to have an idea about nothing and hold it in my body as a space, it tends to help me. I wonder why people can't handle nothing, is it maybe just cause it's not what they are looking for? They can't die, they can't jump, cause this is suicide what we are doing (as Michael James said), we must be pretty extreme patients to be here in this intensive care hospital, on our deathbeds. It never neutralizes substance, cause substance is already an illusion in Nothing, so ego thrives, cause ego is empty, and it gives 'form' to the Nothing. That is not good. But somethings can still be looked at as you know by identifying the mind's projected 'something' in the Nothing. This is discernement, and done without somethinging anything. I have not anythinged anything either

The ones that terrified me as a teen were the ones with wings. If I found one flying around before bedtime, I would not sleep until it was dead. This all happened because one night I was sleeping and had this "dream". I had this dream of eating something god-awful. It tasted like paper, rough, and gishy in my mouth and it had a foul stink to it. When I woke up, I realized that I had probably had one of the fliers land on my face, go into my mouth, and I had eaten it. It was really weird because they seem to like to go into your mouth while you're sleeping. Later, I found the nest brewing in my comic collection, brought them out in the open, and killed them all by hand & foot. These days I figure they were probably going into the mouth to try and get food in your teeth, need a drink, or perhaps to commit suicide. Last year, when I was in India, the corporate bathrooms would have nests of these things just hanging out on the walls or floors, undisturbed running their little roach errands or hanging out. Since I was awake, it didn't really bother me, but I'd destroy them if I found them in my bedroom (fortunately none were found in my hotel room). These days what gets on my nerves are wasps. I work from home & I'll be talking to a customer & have one large one suddenly fly out, heading to the bananas to build on their nest. The first time, I called maintenance to handle it in case it was a nest. However, it was just one. He killed it. A few weeks later, another popped out & heading to the bananas. On the last time, I found that if you just tap them from the top in mid-flight with your broom, they'll drop to the ground fast & then you can crush them quickly. This one was still alive after I pounced it, so I scooped it up & put it outside in case it was still alive (can live out the rest of its existence or be a resource for another animal). I've also found that what really bothers me about them is the jerky movement when they're on surfaces as well. They move in such an unpredictable way. At any rate, that's how I've handled my fear with them: try to find an explanation as to what they're doing around me, then kill it if it feels to be a threat, otherwise, ignore it.

Hey, since the last therapy session Ive felt kinda worse - it was the first very emotional one for me. For almost a year now, Ive been looking for answers for there being literally two "I's" in me. Let's call them subminds, that's how I was taught to call them by a buddhist teacher. So, there is one submind, thats been active since August last year, which obviously always had been there before, just hidden or not active. However, it is a submind with a deathwish, which is potentially connected to the divorce of my parents and fights between my mum and brother - I remember I told him several times that I'd kill myself and him (I think), but particularly myself if their fights would continue. This was at the age of around 7-11. I didnt process everything really well. That is the reason why I got OCD after the divorce. When my brother had kind of a psychotic break last year, my mind went whirlwind and I got severely depersonalized and derealized. That was when everything worse started. Basically I recovered from DPDR, but in August I got this feeling that a part of me didnt want to live anymore and so I dissociated from a complete person and split into a 'good' part and a suicidal part, I am not actively suicidal though. However, as you know, everyone has a bad and a good part inside, but for me this bad part literally feels like it is me for like 60% when it is active, maybe even 70% and that makes it so hard - if you feel like you are not supposed to be here anymore. It is like a second you growing and evolving inside you that feels really like it is you, if that makes sense... One trigger is time, like the date or passage of time - I cope with the split of my self by explaining it with irrational thoughts, such as, that I feel like that in August I potentially stopped living and I am not supposed to live anymore, living after the day those submind got active. Another one is that I feel like I broke out of the passage of time in August and live in resistance with time itself. So, I see myself especially triggered when there is anything about dates or so. Then main triggering is everything that is about "me" as a person - job, work, future, children - how is someone able to think about that stuff when there is 50-70% of yourself feeling like you arent supposed to live anymore? (Talking about me) Thing is, this is not suicidal thoughts, it is rather a complete different "me", like another society or so, like a multiple personality but not that extreme. You know, I know what it is like to deal with anxious and panicky thoughts but this is on another level, occured out of nowhere. It is so difficult to continue like that because you just do not know which part is you Is this a result of childhood trauma? I am really in need for help with this. I feel divided, not complete, I dont know how I can still hold on, Ive never wanted to die or to end my life. What I definitely can feel is the reason why people choose suicide. It is absolutely reasonable.

It is just pure mess, trauma processing, depression vs. finding a job THAT I LIKE vs. my parents, especially mum's pressure (money from the state, child allowance...). It is just that I cant find anything interesting enough in order to really have the passion to pursue it. And I am forced to do something if I dont do anything or do not find anything this year. I see it coming, my mum will kick me out, and I am left blaming myself, cant go to the therapist anymore and I am ready to suicide, because I cant find any meaning in living a normal life. I. Just. Cannot. It is a blockage in my damn mind. And I am really in need and pressured to find something in 2018 or my mum will go insane. I am 19, graduated last year, my brother is unemployed, that is why he got kicked out this year by my mum. But I just dont know, I always thought I would study, I could and theoretically, I'd be able to, but I am in a bad state mentally, that I dont trust myself enough to go through with it. So, I can only hope for an interesting apprenticeship, but there are only so boring jobs, where I get depressed only by reading through them. What I do like is media designer, but it is seems like it is too late to apply for something like that in 2018 (I tried several times...) PLUS that is something everyone in my age wants to do. You cannot talk with my mum, she will justify this and that and everything with my brother's failure, SO I CANT tell her that I AM NOT in a good state of making these choices NOW. But it will just bounce back from her ego-shield of telling me "that I am not her son and why I do that to her" and "I dont want to see you loafing here in the next month" or "You will do something, no matter what, if it was dishwasher, I DONT CARE!". Shit, I DONT WANT TO DO THAT, it is JUST MY BRAIN AT THE MOMENT. BOAH. I AM SO OVERWHELMED BY THOSE CHOICES, IT IS KILLING ME.

Never heard about suicide attempt, can you elaborate more on that?

That's interesting, the poisoning seems probable. But still even if he was poisoned why the suicide attempt. Perhaps he got so weak from the poisoning that he saw it as the only way to go.

So in the Wild Wild Country documentary there is a part where Osho wants to commit suicide with help of his doctor through lethal injection. The attempt is unsucesful but later on he does die at the age of 58 and in the doctor's presence. So we can say it's likely that they actualy did it in the end. Another thing is that as many of you may know in the eastern culture there is a tradition of Mahasamadhi which is basicaly leaving one's body after realization / fulfiling his pourpose on earth/ being no longer interested in life here, whatever you wanna call it. Phenomenon of Mahasamadhi is well documented and there are countles examples. So my questions are: If Osho was so blisful/attained and all that good stuff why would he want to commit suicide at the age of 58 ? And if he decided that it's his time to leave why woudn't he do it trough Mahasamadhi ? I'm sure he was aware of the practice. What do you guys think of it.