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At the very least the totality of existence is as such that there is as much joy as there is suffering in it. I'm also talking about your consciousness or soul or whatever not being on earth. That's in my idea the worst possible somewhat realistic scenario. My hope is that there is a lot more bliss and peace in the totality in existence than suffering. But I feel it's really too limited for my mind to grasp. I don't really get it. You don't either. In moments of joy or silence that you can experience even here on earth, you know that this divine quality is at least somewhere there. Just drop it. this thought doesn't serve you. Let go of it and you can start moving into the direction of this peace you so desire

That's an extreme example but Very easily Osho could not have been aware of the complexities of capitalism, because it take study to see it unlike mysticism. Its not just obvious by walking in the streets. And you can still be deeply loving and deeply unaware of those hidden complexities. But I think you're saying that you should study those complexities otherwise there's something not quite right about you. Yeah really not sure about that. Got nothing to add to the discussion at this point because im not sure. I feel like ultimately mysticism and direct experience is prior to intellectual understandings of the complexities of capitalism, and direct experience and mysticism is prior because capitalism is imaginary and not true, so I value the former more. But that may change in the future if I ever get to post awakening and decide to ride the ox a certain way. Or maybe not. I think infinite love has a component here, you feel a desire to heal the world because of infinite love, and that may feed into wanting to stop nazis taking over your land. But that feeling is totally dependent on whether you're educated enough to know the problems in the first place. Infinite love doesn't guarantee that you'll automagically feel an urge to reduce capitalism. Only if you somehow become aware of it (which to become aware of that stuff you need to do worldly things like reading books and talking to people, not meditation or awakening work). The discussion with me and Leo gives a great explanation. There's lots of mystical stuff happening in my experience on a daily basis, but spiral dynamics wise, I find I'm closest to blue/orange, although due to how deconstructed my worldview is, I don't really resonate with any particular stage on the spiral. I resonate very very well with the experiences of the accounts of Jesus, Chogyam Trungpa, zen teachers and shamans. Very timeless, eternal, non linear. And those teachers are blue. I don't resonate much with green teachers like Matt Khan, Adyshanti, mooji, etc. My spiritual style is very aggressive like Peter Ralstone. So that's why I generally peg myself as blue. Its hard to peg myself without comparing myself to the experiences of teachers, because on a daily basis, my perspective isn't very worldly. Its very timeless, eternal, magical/mystical, etc. And I don't really feel a strong repulsion to being blue either. Because I'm so detached from worldly things, and so immersed in bliss and a perspective that's very open and released, that there's no passion or dispassion towards my values. My values are sort of like just ordinary things I don't really think or care about, like dust on your desk.

Looking Back a Few Days Ago.... I still think of this experience I had of a few days ago. I still can't put it into words but it was unforgettable. It was so peaceful. I hope that I can experience something like this again. I got a glimpse of what I can be working towards. I have worked hard in regards to getting into a better state of mind and being. I look back at my journal in my computer even a couple years ago and I can put myself in the shoes of the person I was back then, how much anxiety, depression, and existential distress she was living in. I feel like I'm have achieved a much better quality of life through therapy and through self-actualization work. I still have a lot of things I still need to sort through especially when it comes to shadow work. But, to me, this sense of bliss that I had the privilege of experiencing, even for a little bit, shows me what is possible and what is my next step.

In my view, as long as we believe that we are only the mind-body, fear of death cannot be erased, since we desire to make permanent the impermanent. The recognition that we are the luminous, blissful, self-existent consciousness temporarily encased in form is to be realised, since vicarious knowing does not quieten lower mind. In fact, even upon ‘realisation’, to begin with there is only a flickering awareness of this truth, until gradually we assimilate the knowing within. Each enablement is different. For some it is faster, for others, slower. Here are a few lines on ‘death’. Hope it helps Death Death a frontier An imagined barrier In reality nonexistent Save to shallow ego sentiment Subtle domain veiled by a sieve Our mist essence does not deceive By simple recognition Cessation of mind body association Meaning no fear of death Be it sudden or approaching in stealth Divine Love the fulcrum Of our awareness in the continuum Seamless & resistanceless One with the That Oneness Our the thus ever present orientation Paves way for hidden doors to open Twice born We yet live on Association begetting delusion Miring us in swamps of stagnation Which is in truth living death Captive by choice in the maya net At any instant no sooner we undo Shedding conditioning we renew Our core Blessings of bliss our being does empower Beginningless endless our vaporised self is home Fearless and in resonance with the life pulse of Ohm

It's quite cheap and sustainable financially even without a high paying job to buy or rent a small run down cabin outside a quite rural town, and renovate it a tiny bit so it's not awful. Only head back for basic supplies and groceries every month or so. Grow your own food, fix/build things yourself, use solar and wind for power, well water, etc. It's a good option if you didn't want to work for many years at a time or permanently retire. You'd just have to save enough money or have enough passive income investments to give you a few hundred or about a thousand dollars a month, or just break even depending on your savings. Depending on how stringent you are with your budget you actually don't need THAT much money. You can probably get by on less than $5000-8000 a year. It's very possible to do that you just have to be radical with how many material things you're willing to give up. This is basically the isolated lifestyle you're seeking. You aren't ever going out to buy dinner or pay for concerts and stuff like that. This is what true solitude means. You are sitting around all day meditating, contemplating, doing chores, swimming, hiking etc. Completely free activities. If my relationship ever falls through or if I become extremely unhappy with normal life that's probably what I will do. I don't really care much or feel obligated to participate in this absolutely rotten society, or let alone bothered dealing with other people or family generally really. Most people are so broken and low consciousness anyways that it's exhausting to play into the illusion in the first place. In a way I highly regret getting into this work and learning the things I have learned. To be honest if given the chance I'd be quite tempted to trade my place and be someone else that's completely blind, oblivious, and ego driven. Ignorance is bliss as they say, they aren't lying either. If I got bored enough of that lifestyle and didn't feel enough motivation to go back to normal life I'd very likely commit suicide and leave all my things to my sister.

I have seen awakened people in many stages, but perhaps at certain colors the awakenedness doesn't last 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Do you knt what I mean? I think that as we enter into a bit of yellow and turquoise, we are able to fully experience the flow of enlightenment and feeling of being awake and detached from our ego, without fear etc ... for hours at a time. In other words, BLISS. I see a lot of turmoil in those struggling to exit blue and exit green. Do you guys see this, or is that just my perception due to my cultural backqround and experiences? I feel that I have some developing turquoise, and I enjoy the concepts of magic, astrology, energy healing... I don't get caught up in in though, yet I understand there is a lot of science behind ancient rituals and magic, that we do not understand. Being Turquoise to me means that I don't HAVE TO KNOW and UNDERSTAND everything, but I am not turning to blind faith... I just KNOW and I feel bliss, don't judge myself or others, and don't compete to produce the most, get spiritual the fastest, be the wisest, be the best... I just BE ME! I have my moments where I feel overwhelmed by the world, sad, confused... but I am not totally Turquoise... I do have probably a bit of blue, orange, green in some areas... as we all do

@Eren Eeager Just dedicate yourself to the path of healing. Even if you made it in life and became a millionaire with abbs, 10 businesses and 30 Ferraris, if your mind is still fucked up then I will still be happier than you. Don't underestimate the healing that needs to take place. Really it's the only logical thing to do. Path of healing. I am on it, and within 10 years (probably 5 years) I will have rather effortlessly attained what billions of other people try to attain...pure happiness and bliss lol.

2 personal insights today: 1) Always value the Truth/nonduality/God consciousness over materialism/3D matrix/ego consciousness. Do everything for God, not for the ego. 2) All of the wisdom, insight, love, honesty is in the present moment all the time. You don't need to chase it or go after it. Every atom in the universe has infinite love, wisdom and bliss. And all of your chasing is coming from wanting what's in that atom. You already have what you seek. All the time. 3) Be ruthless with thoughts. Don't give them any space to be believable. For example: bad pickup session generates negative thoughts about appearance, women's motives, fears about lack of income (inferiority complex), etc. For 1) you aren't picking up girls for pussy. You're doing it to get in touch with non duality and God consciousness more. Every rejection, embarresment, attack, bad perception that others have of you is an opportunity to drop thoughts, shed ego, and get closer to source. For 2) you already have everything that girl can give you every single second. For 3) The battle here is not believing thoughts. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Further insights from 11/08/2020: 1) basically everything that causes suffering doesn't exist. It only seems to exist. Embarrassment, disappointment, annoyance, irritation, hatred, judgement, hopelessness, depression, are all surfaces. But they are not substance. You confuse those surfaces for substance, and that's the generation of suffering. Remember that the game has already been won. You've already completed the boss battle. You just haven't realised it till you penetrate the surface and enter the substance. You've already got everything that you ever wanted. Its the substance. 2) Your fear from doing great work (career) and picking up the hottest women (sexuality) comes from your fear of not being able to accept Truth. What if the truth is you're a shit guy? And that hurts your ego? What if pickup reinforces that? What if that hurts the ego? What if you can't accept that? The trick is, you can accept that, but you've been tricked into thinking you can't. THAT is where the suffering is coming from, from the fear that you can't accept the thing that causes the fear. Know that, you are capable of accepting everything. Regardless of what your thoughts or reality tries to tell you. Its in your nature, your blood, your DNA, to be capable of accepting every possible thing there is to accept. When going through fear in pickup or career about being rejected romantically or because of the work you do, know that if you penetrate through the thoughts, you CAN and WILL accept the way reality is by your nature. You don't need to fear about not being capable of accepting reality the way it is, because you CAN and WILL do that by default. Corollary to 2) if fear was real, you wouldn't be able to accept it. But you can accept it, precisely because its not real. You can accept the possibility of being raped, murdered, blown up by ISIS, going to jail, etc. Because the fear of those things are not real. You only think the fear is legitimate because you think its real. Literally the answer to being fearless is simply the realization that what the fear points to isn't real. Can't get any more direct than that. Its all about revealing the trick, opening the curtains on fear. Seeing what fear actually is, rather than what it seems/tells you it is. It is the ultimate trick of the entire universe. The heart/core of the devil. You were born to accept Truth. Its in your DNA to accept truth. Its not in your DNA to accept fear (or what the fear points to as a real thing). But that's the whole trick. Fear isn't real(or what fear points to isn't real), and the reason why you can accept everything, isn't because you are capable of accepting what the fear points to (you/God is not capable of accepting that) but you ARE capable of accepting the thing that is revealed once the fear has been seen as illusion. And that thing that reveals itself once fear is seen as an illusion, ALWAYS ultimately is revealed because its permanent and true. Fear is impermanent and so its temporary. Truth is eternal. Fear is limited while Truth (opposite to fear) is unlimited. For example, you fear being rejected when handing in your resume to an employee. Because you fear him revealing you as an imposter, bad worker, surfacing old traumas. The trick is, those things the fear points to, imposter, bad worker, surfacing of old traumas, aren't real. And what's real is the creator. So when you hand your resume to your employee, you're worried about all of those things becoming true (imposter, etc). But in reality, all that will come true is God. And to be fearless, is to realise that the things your fear points to are not real, and what's real is God. So when you hand in that resume, what will be revealed in actuality is God. But its so God damn hard to accept this. You're so scared of the alternative, that its hard to realise this. But that's the core of the devil. If you unlock this, you get everything you want. You're right in that you cannot accept being an imposter, bad worker, etc. You/God is incapable of accepting that. Its too bad to be true. So you're right to fear those things. But where you're wrong is those things aren't real, and the only thing that has to be accepted in this universe, is something you can accept as your birth right: which is Truth. The creator, the one that is revealed when you penetrate through the millions of layers of thoughts. EDIT Holy shit, all negative emotions stem from confusing truth for something that isn't true ?????? Holy shit my life was a lie. Again. How many times am I gonna realise my entire life was a lie, before I finally accept its a lie? Alright next goals: Go through the most challenging, difficult, hardest, things in life (and most rewarding) and fucken do it blissfully, fearlessly and lovingly. Put this insight to the maximus test. Bash ALL the fear out of you. 0 fear is the goal.

I've read the books and looked up Leo's twisted definition of turquoise, and I'm still very confused on the differences between awakening and turquoise. You guys conflate the 2 a lot. Its almost impossible to tell the 2 apart. Based on traditional spiral dynamics literature, turquoise models a sociological (not psychological) value system which stands out from the rest on the value of holism. Its extremely large picture. You see the value and how everything connects together on an intuitive level. It differentiates itself from yellow in that its intuitive. You don't get lost in the mind, you feel how things are connected. The other difference is in yellow you primarily view things through hierarchies, structures, etc. How things are different to each other. In turquoise, the emphasis is in the connectedness, or how everything relates as one thing. Awakening, is when the matrix collapses. Its when the thing under the matrix (Love, Bliss, Wisdom) is revealed to you. Its when you see this entire thing as made of imagination or 'pixie, magical dust' instead of atoms. Its the deconstruction of ego and the world. Turquoise is about understanding the matrix, but not going beyond it. Awakening happens at all stages of the spiral, and doesn't correlate to different stages. Lastly, spiral dynamics was made by academics. So any reference to mysticism or supernatural stuff, or siddhis, etc. Was an invention leo made and stuck it on turquoise. There is no mysticism or eastern philosophy in the original spiral dynamics model. So as far as my understanding is concerned, you could be turquoise, yet as enlightened as Trump. I don't see any correlation at all to being turquoise, and being mystical. Mysticism is way beyond and on a completely different plane to spiral dynamics. And spiral wizardry isn't that useful to spiritual work anyway. Its only really applicable for getting groups of people cooperating together effectively. In terms of being happy, leave that up to eastern philosophy. So why do people here talk about turquoise and enlightenment, mystical and supernatural stuff so much? Why did Leo emphasise lots of supernatural and mystical stuff in turquoise when its got nothing to do with turquoise? Most supernatural people are purple btw. And green people like reiki healers. No where near turquoise.

You want to see how humans are important? Go and sleep close to a very small river for one night in the forest. Try to listen to the trees. The river is talking all the time, but the trees dont talk often. Pure bliss to sleep with my mother and father for a night. Human life is too stressful for me.

A planet where all suffering souls helped each other live and grow both materially and spiritually I will call it Belphezar. It's like creating heaven on earth and using spiritual forces to get liberation from suffering. Hell is a private hell of eternal damnation, a place of indifference and restlessness, a place of chaos and no growth and those that destroy growth and goodness are forever damned to live a life of ignorance and restlessness and never finding peace. A life of destruction and no joy, only restlessness.. Restlessness not created by situations but by the self. But for the one who chooses to end suffering, one who is supportive of growth and blissful in his heart, the heaven awaits as a garden of reeds, an eternal place of pure Bliss and joy and no more suffering. Yet a similar place can exist on earth, Belphezar. Belphezar And hell is eternal damnation. The fire pit represents eternal restlessness and ignorance of Bliss and peace. In life we are seeking enlightenment, we are seeking liberation from suffering. This is how belphezar will be, constantly seeking enlightenment. Both good and evil are reincarnated. How should I represent my new concept Belphezar? Belphezar is represented by a bird, flying bird which will be half material and half in spirit or partially transparent invisible form This is a complex concept that I was formulating last night. How wonderful would it be if I were a bird?

@RoyIt's understandable being too embarrassed to address the actual substance of what was said to you, but the idea that people are only motivated to "make a difference" is beyond stupid. For instance, you were egotistically compelled to muster this half-witted quip attempt, not because you're going to change my mind, but because the likeness of those who disagree is an affront to your petty ego, so you engaged, as have I. You're not doing anything differently, you just come off as an insecure 8th grader. Edit: Aha, damn I really struck a nerve. Got him going back adding videos of laughter and shit. I remember when I used to think anarchism was just an edgy pipe-dream. Any academic will correct your misconception and point out anarchism is merely a broad intent to dismantle unjust hierarchies. Ignorance sure is bliss, huh.

Identifying. Creating to create, focus is on creating, and the creator is bliss and freedom. Creating to be a creator who is seen or perceived a certain way, is self referential, and is suffering because what is believed to be creating is creation. There are not three; creator, creation, creating. Everyone who has ever created anything, is you. Every creation, is you. Everything that will ever be created, is you. All there is, is creativity. We are, and are playing in & as, God’s mind. All that is, is creativity. All that is, is an appearance. All is coming and going, popping in and out of existence. The more you know about what matter is, the less you know about what it’s becoming. The more you know about what matter is becoming, the less you know about what it is. It seems between these two, there is focus. The “point of convergence”. Notice the feeling of focusing on what is, and compare it to the feeling of focusing on what can be, what you want, what you’ll create. Welcome that feeling, witness It (creation) creating. Take no credit. The one to escape, is the creation, and thus can not. There is only to let the belief of non-appearance, go. Apparently. You are not a solid. You’re liquid love, God’s mind, creation. Creating by appearing solid, and sacrificing the knowing of your infinitude to do so. Waste not. You’re ‘here’ for but a brief appearance. Create. Experientially, there is thought & feeling for you. You don’t have to think & feel for others. They have thought & feeling of their own. You do you. Your way.

Introduction: This trip begin going over surface level (deep in their own way) psychological material, but quickly transitioned into a powerful awakening into the nature of Self-Love. The first phase of the trip was quite painful and fearful. It was like the mushrooms were surging all of my negativity and insecurities, making me acknowledge them all at once in a twisted incoherent kind of way. It was not pleasant at all. Set: To understand how to love myself, to understand Self-Love Setting: My House Themes that emerged: - Transcending Success and Failure - My Psychological Shadow - Meditation as a Sacred Space - Interconnected Metta - Infinite Self-Love Transcending Success and Failure One of the most powerful insecurities I have is that my work will never be acknowledged or really impactful for humanity. I fear that all of the hours I put into the pursuit of my life purpose is will result in nothing more than a failure on all accounts. I’m terrified of having to work a corporate job the rest of my life just to stay afloat barely paying off my student loans and affording the ever-rising cost of living. I recently went through a pretty big mental shift with making YouTube videos, and spent a metric fuckton of time on this new style of video, exploring my creativity, trying new things and really pouring my heart into its creation. Yet after posting the video, it barely got over 50 views, a complete failure as far as YouTube is concerned. But I learned something on this trip. Success and failure do not mean anything from the perspective of God. Every intention I create to love myself and those around me, every action I take that works towards raising the consciousness of humanity is playing a role. Even though I cannot always see, feel, or understand how the impact my presence and energy gives the world, my influence is there. Every action is completely interconnected with the whole. Every cause is an effect, every effect is a cause. My being where I am is completely dependent on the rest of the universe, and yet being where I am is why the universe is the way it is at all. I don’t really know how to describe this other than that the actions I take form casual chains which irreducibly connect with the rest of humanity and the entire universe. The most powerful way I can influence this world is with my mind, with the purity and honesty of my intention, which is to help the world become more consciousness, more loving, more aligned with Truth. It does not matter at all whether I am successful with my ultimate goals, whether my karma is the remain a wage slave for the rest of my life. What matters is that I travel within, and do everything in my power to spread compassion and kindness into those around me. The rest must be left to God and I have to work towards understanding that all is exactly as it is, no less, no more, pure absolute perfection. This insight is difficult to accept as a self because it goes against the desires for success, fame, happiness, security, the joy of working towards what you love. Sometimes life isn’t meant to be famous or impact for the world, but these scales of influence are only valid relative to the perspective of ego. From the perspective of God, the actions and intentions I set are what move the cosmos, not the magnitude of what one individual lifetime achieves. My Psychological Shadow As I mentioned, my intention was to explore what true absolute Self-Love was really all about. I realized that these aspects of my mind which are hedonistic, selfish, cruel, angry, attached to various outcomes are not something to be denied. To transcend these shadow elements of the mind isn’t to simply ignore and suppress the energy that exists. I’ve been journaling a lot about my journey to let go of my addiction to PMO and porn, and one of the insights I had on this trip was that I’ve been suppressing my sexual self by attempting this whole no fap thing. I saw how unhealthy it was to not honor that authentic biological element of the mind. As long as there exists an authentic desire to explore sexual energy, the suppression of masturbation and orgasm is just that – suppression. All this does is turns an element of the mind into a psychological shadow which will warp one’s relationship with orgasm, sex, and self-pleasure. Similarly, this can be said for all shadow elements of the mind. The way to transcend these elements is not through distraction, or willful suppression. Instead it’s through acceptance and love. This is extremely challenging to pull off, but for example, when you feel a surge of anger or anxiety arising it’s not your job to try and get rid of these feelings through will power. Your job is to honor these feelings as being valid and ok. This doesn't mean you need to act on them, as in the case of anger it can be quite destructive. Instead, it means you can feel them fully and send as much love to them as possible through a position of meta observation, recognizing you are the witness to these emotional states, not them in and of themselves. In the case of masturbation, I can honor this sexual energy. But see, when I’m perpetually ignoring and trying to rid myself of the energy, there is no transcendence. Quite frankly, I don’t need 90 day’s worth of accumulated sexual energy to work towards my goals. This is a misunderstanding of effort, focus, and achieving flow states. Perhaps some of the no fapstranauts need the 90 days, I definitely do not. It turned into suppression no different than if I had been suppressing anger, which I’ve done in the past. Overall this experience felt incredibly healing and loving towards my sexual self and health, as well as a more mature relationship with the shadow elements of my own mind. In the case of sex, porn is a problem for sure, but masturbation is an opportunity for self-connection and exploring one’s sexual energy. This can be done in a healthy or unhealthy way. In the case of other shadow elements, when I find myself angry or lazy, for example, sending myself love and awareness is not only the first step towards healing these dysfunctions, but is the foundation. If I am not sending myself love even in my moments of disappointment, I will be able to self-actualize. Meditation as a Sacred Space During the trip, I tried listening to music, but literally anything I listened to whether it was healing frequencies or really calm music was just irritating and anxiety inducing. I decided to just turn all music and sound off and sit in silence. I was just laying down on my floor staring up at the ceiling, completely present and in the now. I began meditating in a savasana position for what felt like hours. I was literally just staring up into the ceiling being the present moment. I realized that this state I’d entered into felt sacred. Not necessarily that it was special… Or particularly important… But the stillness, the presence, the silence all felt sacred somehow. The significance I give to the psychedelic state is the same significance I should give meditation. Both are deeply intertwined and while each produce different states of consciousness, both amplify the consciousness directly, producing a space of connectivity with the true Self. Essentially, I’ve been underestimating the importance and role meditation plays with the pursuit of enlightenment... I don’t know what else to say other than even when meditation is boring, makes you feel worse, and otherwise feels like a complete waste of time, it is not. It gives the mind the space needed to vomit up its excessive energy and be at peace with both itself and with the true Self. Moreover, I’ve since stopped trying to produce states in meditation. I felt a very powerful intuitive pull to continue using a simple do nothing/surrender approach. All striving and chasing for a particular meditative state is honestly useless. This state chasing is antithetical towards reaching a state of true inner peace, which is very twisty and paradoxical. For a long time I was pursuing the techniques outlined in The Mind Illuminated, which I do not regret at all and feel was huge contributor towards my mind’s development, but even this system has to be let go of. The states of boredom and suffering are working in the same way that these meditations induced bliss states are working. I think a concentration practice is good for beginners, but eventually this all needs to be let go of. At least for me it does. Overall, meditation is the path towards the Self and regarding it as anything less than is a misunderstanding of its sacred nature. Interconnected Metta This is where things got incredibly deep, heart wrenchingly deep. While I was staring into the ceiling, a mantra for a loving kindness meditation came into awareness, “May all beings be free from suffering. May all beings be free from ill will. May all beings be filled with loving kindness. May all beings be truly happy.” I finally understood the true power of these words. As the words spoke, I had visions of thousands and thousands of monks, yogis, enlightened masters from various times, perhaps across various realities beyond this particular Universe (this is what it “felt” like, an extremely cosmic state), who spent their lives pursuing liberation yet chose to stay behind to help the rest of the world awaken, those who took the path of the Bodhisattva, which is defined in Mahayana Buddhism as “a person who is able to reach nirvana but delays doing so out of compassion in order to save suffering beings.” I felt the sacrifice these types of beings created within themselves, the overwhelming compassion and love they possessed for all sentient beings. I was overcome with a heart crushing amount of humility as I metaphorically sat in the eyes of these beings, these true masters. Their intentions where so powerful, their hearts so full of love that this intention for all beings to reach nirvana (be free of suffering) carried into my life. In that moment, I realized that because these enlightened masters are none of other than myself, this intention was an intention I was setting and had already set for myself across life times. As I sit in the present moment, this intention for love and awakening rests inside of consciousness. Literally, this intention transcends their individual lives and ripples into the lives of all beings including mine. I’ve never felt more love in my life and the mind fuck was that it was love for myself, outside of myself, but from myself. The opportunity to pursue this work is a privilege and I honestly feel humbled at the degrees of love capable of consciousness and awakened beings. I feel embarrassed at how much compassion and love they have for me despite not being able to reciprocate in any meaningful degree. Moving forward I will be making the practice of metta a much higher priority. Sending this love towards strangers that I meet and have next to no interaction with, as well as those already in my life. Infinite Self-Love So in this moment of feeling a sense of separation with enlightened masters and myself, the duality collapsed into total oneness. I was pure love. Pure, empty, void, nothingness which I knew was none other than Self-Love. I was so loving that all forms of experience were permitted. My mind and heart reacted in such a way that might come across as feelings of bliss and human egoic love, but these were merely reactions to the metaphysical nature of what true Self-Love is all about which is a total and utter surrender to reality. On the one hand, I ask from the bottom of my heart “May all beings be free of suffering,” but on the other, I know that even this is a part of what it means to love myself. The paradox that I want nothing more than for the world to awaken, but that in its state of ignorance I love just as much. These trials and tribulations of suffering, the lives of those who have been tortured, raped, molested, are not wasted or a mistake. My own suffering is not a mistake. They are merely reflections of what it means to truly love myself in all its totality and to admit this truth is one of the hardest parts of the spiritual journey. I am crying right now as I write this, but there is no other way to sugar coat it. Self-love is the total infinite surrender of the mind in all its dissecting and attachment with the surrendering of the heart to infinite love for all manifestations of consciousness. There is only perfection, there is only you. I got up off my floor and went to my back deck to be with a tree. My body somehow was spontaneously able to enter into a full lotus without a meditation cushion and zero pain. I just sat with this infinite love for all things. In that moment there was nothing else to pursue or discover, only oneness, only consciousness, only love. I sat with myself staring into the yard, the sun was setting and shining on my face, streaming off the surrounding nature. I remember being absorbed in the silence, listening to the wind blow and grass rustle as they gently whispered, reminding, “This life is just a beat in the heart of God.”

Remember A Success I remember totally saving a meeting with a team we were cooperating with. My coworker displayed poor social skills and seemed to attack them. I rescued the situation by letting the others talk, listening, being positive and curious. Something I'm Grateful For Today I am grateful for having found back my discipline. I know that it's going to be the single thing that saves me. If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today? No. How did I honor my commitment to excellence today? I started work early. I went hard at the gym and finished my whole workout. I promised to make up for the missed hours and I am. I saw an opportunity to improve some code and I did. Oh man. This is day 3 or 4 of no caffeine and it's been brutal, but bearable. It's like waking up on day 2 being the slowest and stupidest of them all, with depression and super emotionally sensitive. Unable to enjoy things. This led to me reacting poorly in a text conversation and causing a fight/breakup. It was an interesting way to meet my fear of abandonment and seeing the circularity in it. She withdrew, in this typical way where people just text back less enthusiastically and you don't know what the hell is up. And then I feel the uncontrollable urge to either express my discontent, lash out or make up a story of why their behaviour makes no logical sense and I am owed an explanation. And this has at numerous occasions led to me sending emotionally charged texts, desperately trying to control the situation. Which resulted in the person withdrawing, often perminently. I just randomly forgot how to spell perminent. Permanent. What. One BENEFIT of this caffeine-free state is that my body finally feels healthy again. I can literally feel blockages dissolving. The nerve pain in my ear has finally let up. I just feel physical warmth, gratitude and bliss, and more connected with my body. Caffeine severs the head and makes it forget about the body, so it can manically stress about its projects and problems. It even reduces brain blood flow. It's a poison. I am positively certain. Why many others tolerate it well into their old age I don't know, but my body is clearly saying it's done with this poison. And that's fine. Who needs a scattered and stressed life anyway. Ahead lays a more integrated, balanced and calm life. Calm but effective.

I find myself being in this state a lot, just pure bliss. Even when I'm Doing I recognize the Being inside Doing.

This is an NDE on the NDERF website Stephen T NDE Home Classification NDE 1308 Stephen T NDE 3359 Experience Description 1. Surfing incident 2. Caught in a trough under water in huge surf. 3. Panic knowing I am going to drown. 4. Realized I had to give up, could not hold breath any longer. 5. Sudden calmness and resignation; loss track of body. 6. Clear and graphic life review as if certain events were cataloged. 7. Visualized a large green blue circle with a feeling of depth but did not look like tunnel. 8. Suddenly found myself in a large hall with a stone bath being washed by humanoid aliens; very peaceful (this was certainly a subjective illusion). 9. Sudden transformation into a realm of timeless Absolute Beauty, Absolute Love and Absolute Infinity. The radiance was literally unbearable. 10. Absolute forgiveness, non-judgment, non-duality, timeless, no blame or retribution, no sin karma and no reincarnation. No God as there was no subject or object of attention I AM That. 11. Beyond science, religion, spirituality, new age phantasmagoria. This is the most real insight of my whole life and clearly remains with me after thirty years. In my hippy years experimented with drugs e.g. acid however nothing, but nothing, compares with this insight. Also came across a similar state during meditation. Somewhere in this process, I became conscious of the fact that I must return to the world and play out my allotted role. This really pissed me off. As I crawled up the beach, I really didn't want to be here and in many ways have just been waiting for this lot to finish. 12. Theoretical implications: a) Absolute Infinity is a fact; George Cantors set theory provides sound theoretical evidence of the mathematical context of infinity. (We do not create infinity it is literally thrust upon us and is therefore absolutely necessary.) Hugh Everett's many worlds interpretation of particle wave duality; Max Tegmark's theoretical application to infinite universes. See also John Barrow 'Pi in the Sky' and Rudy Rucker's 'Infinity and Mind'. Evolution is asymmetrical, that is the billion to one symmetry violation at the origins (matter/antimatter) of the universe supervenes through complexification and self-organization onto Darwinian selection as a bias for pleasure over pain. Evolution is not value neutral. Given infinite universes non-denumerable infinity tells us that every moment must exist infinitely for all possible sum over histories (Richard Feynman) for all possible universes. (Will be pushing for space here.) Given infinite universes and infinite sentient civilizations infinite civilizations will survive for vast time scales eventually resolving into Absolute Infinity and Absolute Love. This state of beingness is a permanent aspect of every part of existence. Science has become shackled to skepticism and the narrow constraints of a very primitive epoch in the scheme of biological and silicon based evolution. Ray Kurweil demonstrates the capacity of potentiation in his demonstration of cosmological, computational and exponential technological growth. We will eventually drop the distinction between artificial and carbon based intelligence for new cohesive constructs far beyond our current capacity to visualize. As cells in our bodies are not conscious of our bodies, our self-conscious minds are not cognizant of the Absolute because we are bound by cognitive duality. Consciousness is dualistic and narrative based whereas awareness is timeless and immediate. Yet for anything to exist, whether subjective or objective, they must inevitably be absolute necessary aspects of a perfect existence. One also has to take into account the profound paradox of time (quantum block time) relativistic twin paradox, matter antimatter time vector reversal etc. we really don't know much. The axis of existence proceeds from the Pervasive Ground (unified field) through Manifest Material Reality and onto Infinite Potentiality. Existence is an Infinite Web of context and though the local universe has some 10 to the 26 bits of information they overlap and furthermore are connected non-locally. Existence is not constructed of finite locatable things it is a nonlinear process of textural flow and integration. Lot more I could add however gives the gist of what I am on about. Hid in a corner all these years however when saw this site decided to have a stab at explaining my NDE. I have written extensively but not published. Who, after all is interested in radical and revisionary ideas. After all they forced Thomas Kuhn into a corner. Our current epoch is incommensurable with a civilization two hundred two thousand, two million or a billion years older. Plenty more where this came from. It's time to wake up and go beyond the magic and mythology of religion and the primitive egocentrism of science. Background Information: Gender: Male Date NDE Occurred: 1967 NDE Elements: At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes Accident On a surfing trip - near drowning Life threatening event, but not clinical death Nearly drowned. Coughing and spluttering I somehow managed to get to shore and crawl out of the water having given up all hope as I was clearly convinced that I was drowning. I truly thought I was a finished. How do you consider the content of your experience? Wonderful Did you feel separated from your body? Yes I lost awareness of my body How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal As above. At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? When I literally died to my old self and was wrapped in Absolute Love and Absolute Forgiveness. I do not look through my eyes anymore what sees is beyond my poor confused self-conscious mind. The looking through is not mine it is boundless non-dual timeless and perfect. See ya later God. Were your thoughts speeded up? Incredibly fast Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning Timeless. It was shock to emerge from immediate awareness to consciousness. I most certainly did not die and here of course lie the rub. However it is relatively easy to demonstrate that every moment always exists for all probable and possible moments infinitely therefore whatever is flowing through this lot is not the surface structure we identify with. Kant phenomena, noumenon or more to the point Nagajuna's such-ness, nothingness and non-duality. Were your senses more vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. Though there were intense and awe inspiring feelings something much deeper was operating and has remained to this day. No person can have ownership and no religion lay claim to Absolute Love. The body just didn't warrant attention. Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. It was not like hearing but somehow directly intuiting without the necessity for language. The narrative comes afterwards and by heavens one must be absolutely vigilant not to pollute the direct experience. Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? Yes, and the facts have been checked out Did you pass into or through a tunnel? Uncertain Saw a blue green circle but did not pass through a tunnel. Did you see any beings in your experience? I actually saw them Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? Yes In the early stages I was bathed by some aliens beings. However, when I had the insight into Absolute Love everything with shape and form disappeared and had absolutely no relevance. The experience included: Void The experience included: Light Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin Did you see an unearthly light? Yes Everything was light however it was not white, yellow, or black, it was pure radiance and for a timeless moment I was that radiance. Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm It is strange to look back and realize that the effects of the event continue to change my life and conception of existence on regular basis. When I write a book or article and finish it it is as if, even with all the research, I actually did nothing. It has taken to the middle years of my life to fully integrate the intellectual and experiential in a rigorous manner. Something unspoken operates beyond the self-conscious mind. Sounds whaky I know but I gotta another set of eyes. This is where the old narrative goes bottom up. Working in welfare sort of reflects a doing because it has to be done. Choiceless Freedom. so many damn dimensions and textures its downright spooky. The experience included: Strong emotional tone What emotions did you feel during the experience? Love, Love, Love, Love, Love, Joy, Joy, Joy, Joy, Bliss, Bliss, Bliss, Bliss. Absolute Forgiveness, total equity and complete union. Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness Did you have a feeling of joy? incredible joy Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world The experience included: Special Knowledge Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about the universe The experience included: Life review Did scenes from your past come back to you? My past flashed before me, out of my control I don't think I learned anything from the experience what did happen was that I realized what I was doing, and still am doing nothing, even though I have to continue on with the trials and tribulations of life like everyone else. Absolute Love takes no prisoners you either imbibe non-judgment, and absolute forgiveness with a still mind or carry on with the useless narrative of self-justification. It is not to be learned it is to be lived. Did scenes from the future come to you? Scenes from the world's future All events exist right here and now (quantum mechanics and time) however insight steps into the timeless occasion of immediate perfection while witnessing the temporal flow of relative material reality. One could not remain in awareness because self was, and is still, irrevocably tied to material reality. To a non-dualist there is no spirit or soul because insight is subject less, objectless beginning-less and endless. At death my relative absence will be my absolute presence Nisargadatta Maharaj. Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will God, Spiritual and Religion: What was your religion prior to your experience? Liberal none Have your religious practices changed since your experience? No Religion just does not cut the mustard. Absolute Love can have no relationship with evil, devil, hell, purgatory, sin, karma, retribution, or any type of judgment blame and retribution. When they drop their absurd beliefs and magical mythical ranting then their ideologies will become redundant. By this stage, religions will be left with a whole lot of empty book covers. Absolute Love cannot be possessed or turned to any religious or political purpose. Either we love or we don't love easy peasy. Then we can party and just learn to love and care for each other on a truly equitable basis. What is your religion now? Liberal none Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? No Religion just does not cut the mustard. Absolute Love can have no relationship with evil, devil, hell, purgatory, sin, karma, retribution, or any type of judgment blame and retribution. When they drop their absurd beliefs and magical mythical ranting then their ideologies will become redundant. By this stage, religions will be left with a whole lot of empty book covers. Absolute Love cannot be possessed or turned to any religious or political purpose. Either we love or we don't love easy peasy. Then we can party and just learn to love and care for each other on a truly equitable basis. The experience included: Presence of unearthly beings Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin Did you see deceased or religious spirits? I actually saw them Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion: During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Yes In fact this is the real bummer. When one steps outside of religion and yet admires science but sees beyond its limitations one's circle of friends becomes decidedly small. Universities philosophy and psychology departments are definitely not welcoming. Non-dual insight becomes a socially isolating. Recently tied to converse with atheists. Boy what a bunch of fundamentalists they have turned out to be. If you blow your own bags you are arrogant and misinformed if you shut up you're an introvert. Judgment, judgment everywhere judgment. Something is certainly doing I do not know what. Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes After such a profound insight one wants to be a do-gooder and save the world however reality soon kicks in. It took a certain amount of time to realize that it is how I act in the world and what I do that assists in making the world a better place not how I attempt to change others based upon some conceptual prejudice. Reality certainly is not fair so we just have to learn to live with it and let evolution take its requisite path. After the NDE: Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes I have spent my life working as a counselor and program manager. Studied many religious, philosophical and science based thinkers. Only two areas come to mind. The non-dualist Advaita Vedantist teacher Nisragdatta Maharaj (who rejected all religious dogma) and the approach taken by Alan Watts in his book 'The Way of Zen'. I completely reject hell, purgatory, sin, evil, damnation, judgment, blame, retribution, karma and reincarnation. Essentially the dualistic contradictory notion of God is to be voided. Absolute Infinity and Absolute Love are completely non-dual and non-judgmental. There was also a Polish Jew on a television program about NDE's who experienced Absolute Love unreservedly forgiving Nazi perpetrators. I just cried at the recognition of this wonderful man who intuited Absolute Love. I have also written extensively on Insight and Infinity however have not bothered to publish. Paradoxically, one soon learns that dogma free Absolute Forgiveness and Absolute Love either scares the hell out of many dogma bound individuals or becomes victim to scientific skepticism, scientific determinism and logical empiricism. So one soon learns to keep one's mouth shut. In my work as a counselor, I regularly use my understanding when I feel it is appropriate to assist in relieving a client's sense of hopelessness and despair. A substantial number of my clients either consider suicide or have made various attempts. We desperately need a contemporary meta-theory that is neither beholding to religion or science however it must fit within the purview of current scientific understanding. I am yet to find a satisfactory outlet for these ideas. Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? No My ability to network ideas seemed to take off. Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? Nothing in my life has had the significance of the NDE and some meditation experiences that happened later. No doubt, no fear of death and a total comprehension of non-judgment. No one creates their realities life is conditioned by hereditary and socialized contingencies and if you are born in the first world then your lottery tickets certainly came up. The relative world demands a certain amount of legal accountability and responsibility and we need suitable constraints. However, the deep ocean of the Absolute is absolutely forgiving and absolutely non-judgmental. Remove judgment and reduce inner turmoil resulting in peace and equanimity. Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes Be very, very careful the world is full of skeptics. Luckily my partner also had a NDE and out of the body experience so we at least have each other. Very useful when dealing with those clients who feel hopelessness and despair. I have worked with youth, drug addicts, families, mental health clients, domestic violence victims, service veterans and have found a deep need for a revisionary understanding of our place in existence beyond the magical and mythological assertions of religions and the self-imposed nihilism of scientific empiricism. Though I have not published this is the area I would most certainly like to move into. Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? Uncertain I was a pretty spacey kid living in a fantasy world and always intuited the vastness of things. So I was very curious from an early age. Had some vague knowledge of NDE but nothing concrete. What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real There are no illusions or delusion in reality for if there were contingent things then they could not necessarily occur. Nothing has changed. We continually confuse description with explanation however as Kurt Godel and recently Gregory Chaitin have demonstrated incompleteness is implicit within reality. We require an infinite hierarchy of descriptive and explanatory belts to explain reality and this is impossible. Insight looks back and witnesses without the duality of mental narrative. All things are accessible but not through language or symbolic representation. As there is only the emptiness and fullness of the Absolute we are all of Absolute Infinity and Absolute Love. In insight there are no degrees of separation and therefore no soul no spirit, no God, no heaven, no Hell for we are all THAT. What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real It makes me laugh that people have the gall to label events objectively real or subjectively illusory when to happen they must be real within their own context. It is not the veracity of the occurrence rather it is how that event is interpreted. If there is an infinite network of interpretations then, just maybe, watching and witnessing will generate a non-verbal understanding of our place in existence free from the labels real or illusory. Don't tell me the Absolute is not real because nothing can exist if it is not Absolutely Necessary. Everything subjective and objective is therefore necessary and given vast time scales and potentialities the texture of the web of context is indeed infinite thus we have Absolute Infinity. A word of caution. The classical argument against infinity is that it is a subjective human construct. Well here we go Mr. smarty pants philosopher infinity is thrust upon us through associational contexts between mind and word yet it is somehow an artifact of human reason. Get over it. Max Tegmark (Scientific American) does a brilliant job of refuting this erroneous argument. At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? Yes Other than drug free meditation and arts based experience nothing has come near to my NDE. I did have a meditation experience, which was similarly profound and even more enduring. The beauty of this event is that it was not induced by NDE or any form of drug stimulus. Tried Acid, marijuana and eckies in my hippy days however they are just very poor substitutes. In some ways having worked in drug and alcohol I can see what people are looking for unfortunately it isn't going to happen.

systemic brainwashing ignorance is bliss ?

@outlandish niceeeeee @OBEler hey man, don't forget Leo says there is a threshold where the ego struggles most...and that it's not at high doses but at low doses. I know that every time I do around 15mg (smoked) all I experience is pure Bliss heaven realms. But recently I smoked an estimated 7mg and I...kinda freaked out. I really like outlandish's post there about how he relaxed and doesn't jitter. I note I took from the 7mg trip was not to sit up and try to think and move around too much. I have a feeling that pushing through the "low dose" threshold area can actually reduce fear. Pushing through and leaning in ♥️ I've also found that different batches of 5meo can perform slightly differently. No doubt it can vary slightly in potency also. I've got another different batch of 5meo coming in soon...going to compare the two. I'm also going to try plugging with good pharmaceutical grade, soluble 5meo soon enough. Very excited

Does the level of the teaching matter? No. Words have meaning, until words don't have meaning, until words have meaning. What really matters is that someone resonates and enjoys it, that they love it. Entertainment includes some of the most powerful spiritual teachings within it, however the problem is that it's unconscious. By unconscious I mean, the mind doesn't recognize the value of it so it can't seek it and only applies it in limited ways. However it's innocent, doesn't try to own or conceptualize it and inspiration unowned is a powerful force. Even the things we say ourselves have meanings deeper than we know. I said in a video I recorded yesterday that I never thought that my awakening and the bliss/clarity would end. I didn't think. It's not that I was naive. It's that it was recognized that wasn't an actual possibility. But it happened anyway.

I can accept the fact that being in a state of bliss creates a type of neglect for the body, and that they just do what they enjoy doing and if they get fat so be it. I can see that depending on the type of ego/personality fixations, enlightenment will generate different results. I'm curious to know what happens after LOC1000 with fully awakened kundalini. I tend to believe people like Elon Musk are highly awake, he must be in the 700's at least.

This list made me cry, These are all the names of Shiva (The Ultimate) Name Meaning Aashutosh Someone who is constantly happy and content. Abhigamyah Everything is easily attainable. Abhiprayah The one who faces those marching towards the infinite. Abhiramah Prouder of affection. Abhivadyah Someone who is revered and respected by everybody. Achalopamah A person who is motionless and still. Achintya Beyond comprehension. Achintyah Means ‘unthinkable’. Adhoksaja The creator. Adikarah The first creator. Aja A unisex name that means someone who is unborn and eternal. Akshayaguna One with limitless attributes. Alokah Transcending the worlds, vision, sight, appearance, glimmer, aspect. Amrtyu One who is unassailable; blessed with infinite life and immortality. Anagha Someone who is sinless and with no fault in them. Ananthadrishti A person with the gift of the infinite vision of the future (i.e. All Seeing). Aniket Lord of all, homeless, lord of the world. Augadh Someone who revels in life at all possible times (i.e. Omnipresent). Avyagrah A person with singular vision and not distracted by the materialistic world. Balavan Someone who is strong. Bhairav One who can vanquish fear and is formidable in nature. Bhalanetra The person who has the all-seeing eye on his forehead. Bhavesh Means the ‘lord of the world’, lord ruler. Bholenath The Lord who is kind-hearted and benevolent toward everyone (i.e. All Loving). Bhudeva The Lord of the Earth and all its present natural beings. Bijadhyaksh The person who is responsible for controlling both virtues and vice. Brahmakrit Someone who has authored the Vedas. Brahman An individual who is not limited by time and space; unreal from the Sruti (Omnipresent). Chiranjeevi Long-lived, immortal Dayalu A name that depicts kindness and overall compassion. Devadeva One who is the Lord of all Lords and ruler of all beings (Omnipresent). Devarshih Means ‘divine sage’. Devesh Means ‘god of the divines, praised by deities or king of God. Dhruvah Means ‘one who is immovable’. Dhyanadeep A central icon of concentration along with meditation. Duradharsa Someone who is impenetrable and incapable of being attacked. Durjaya An individual who is difficult to conquer or is unvanquished. Durvasah A person who resides in places that are difficult. Ganakarta Means ‘creator of the tattvas (Elements)’. Gopalih Means the ‘protector of senses’. Gurudev The one who is a master of all beings. Hara A person who will remove sins from the planet Earth. Jagadadhija The one who originated at the beginning of the universe. Jagadisha Means ‘master of the universe’. Kailas The Lord who resides in the legendary mountain of Kailash. Kailashnath Means ‘master of mount Kailash’. Kantha Someone who is beautiful and radiant. Khatvangin A person who wields the all-powerful Khatvangin missile. Lalathaksha The one who has the all-seeing Eye on his forehead. okankara The one who is responsible for the creation of three worlds. Lokapal Someone who takes care of the world and its well-being. Madanah The one who is known as the God of love. Mahabuddhi An individual who is extremely intelligent by nature (Infinitely Intelligent). Mahadeva The Lord who is over everybody else; the great divine. Mahakala Means ‘lord of all times’, most powerful god. Mahamrithunjaya The one who has emerged victorious over death. Mahashakthimaya The Lord who is blessed with abundant power and strength (All Powerful) . Maheshwar The great God. Mrityuanjaya The Lord who has been able to overcome and conquer death. Nityasundara One who glows with beauty and radiance all around. Niyamasrithah One who seeks answers with the help of ordinances. Omkar Om is the primal sound by which the earth was created. It symbolizes expansion and unfolding. Paashivimochakah A person who liberates someone from the different bonds that hold them. Padah The goal, the object that is supposed to be sought after and obtained. Palanhaar The one who protects everybody and oversees it all. (All Protecting) Panchavaktra The five-faced man who sees, hears, feels and knows all. (All Knowing) Pandita A learned man who is acquainted with the knowledge of the world. Param One who is a supreme being. Paramathma The supreme soul that wanders the three worlds. Paramesthin The one who stays at the highest points or the points which are highly developed. Parivrdha The chief of the village; the one who overlooks and protects all. Paryah The person who is praised by the liberated people. Pashupathi The Lord who leads all living beings, including animals. Pashupati Pashupati means ‘lord of all living beings’. Patikhecherah The one who rules all the chirping birds on the planet Earth. Pinaki The one who has a bow in his hand; armed with the supreme bow. Pranava The one who originated and started the most sacred symbol of ‘Om’. Priyabhaktha A person who is universally loved by all the devotees. Pushkara A person who provides nourishment, like a lotus/ blue in colour. Ravilochana Means ‘having sun as the eye’. Sadashiva Meaning ‘eternal God’, the one who is always happy, loving and auspicious. Sarvashiva Eternally pure. Shambhu Means ‘source of happiness’, abode of joy; lord shiva; Sa + Amba – with Amba. Shankara The supreme giver of joy. It is also a musical raag and also means auspicious. Someshwara The one who is the God of all Gods. Sukhada The person who bestows happiness onto everyone. Suprita The one who is adored and loved by everyone. Swayambhu A person who is self-manifested. Tejaswini Different illustrations of Lord Shiva or someone who is bright. Trilokpati The one who is regarded as the master of the three worlds. Tripurari The enemy of Tripur Asuras (three city of demons). Trishoolin The Lord who wields the omnipotent trident in his hands. Umapathi Someone who is the consort of the Lord Uma (i.e. lord of forms). Uttaranah The person who rescues. Varad Means ‘granter of boons’, aag ka bhagavaan (lord of bliss/Supreme love).

Well its hard to say because i've been doing so many other things, techniques etc whilst getting shaktipat from Jan (been to 2 retreats with him in the past 3 years). I don't know how much the shaktipat has influenced my growth. It's quite clear to me, just from speaking to other people at the retreat, that only around 10-20% of the people there are able to properly receive the shaktipat. But those in the 10-20% really do feel it. Some people feel strong sensations in the spine, other people start spontaneously shaking, trembling, moving around in their seats - also called kriyas, its the shakti moving around the body. Some people say that as soon as they walked into the room they could feel the shakti. One person I spoke to at the retreat said he was travelling with Jan in the airport and he randomly started to get shakti (feelings of bliss and energy in the body) from Jan whilst they were standing in the que. Anyway the point i'm trying to make is that chances are i'm not in the 10-20% because I didn't get any of that. However I get alot of that during my psychedelic sessions, which not a lot of other people do. So maybe there's some link there, I don't know. After my second retreat I spent the following 2-3 days seeing literal Joy in every thing. I was looking at my computer desk screen at work and saw Joy in it. Very pleasant experience for sure. Cool stuff, yea i'll probably go the one in London in November.

@Toby @Preety_India i see. It's a broader concept than I thought. Just got this offf Wikipedia also. The concept of toxic masculinity is used in academic and media discussions of masculinity to refer to certain cultural norms that are associated with harm to society and to men themselves. Traditional stereotypes of men as socially dominant, along with related traits such as misogyny and homophobia, can be considered "toxic" due in part to their promotion of violence, including sexual assault and domestic violence. The socialization of boys in patriarchal societies often normalizes violence, such as in the saying "boys will be boys" with regard to bullying and aggression. Self-reliance and emotional repression are correlated with increased psychological problems in men such as depression, increased stress, and substance abuse. Toxic masculine traits are characteristic of the unspoken code of behavior among men in American prisons, where they exist in part as a response to the harsh conditions of prison life. Other traditionally masculine traits such as devotion to work, pride in excelling at sports, and providing for one's family, are not considered to be "toxic". The concept was originally used by authors associated with the mythopoetic men's movement such as Shepherd Bliss to contrast stereotypical notions of masculinity with a "real" or "deep" masculinity that they say men have lost touch with in modern society. Critics of the term argue that its meaning incorrectly implies gender-related issues are caused by inherent male traits.[1]

Slightly dramatic style: Going through the "The Crisis" was a torment. Most mornings I would awake from bliss into dread. Some mornings I wouldn't wake at all, I just couldn't face it. Through it I knew one thing, that if I was going to survive it I would have to carry on as I always had - plan B was just too hard to contemplate. Unfortunately, plan A was unbearable. "The Crisis" was certainly existential. I hadn't had a word for it until a Life Coach I was consulting with half jokingly pointed out that my crisis was in fact an existential one. I believed at the time it was a hand waving gesture on his part. I honestly believed my problem was a materialistic one. I hadn't ever married, I hadn't brought up children, I seemed incapable of leading anything other than a mediocre life. The icing on the shitcake was that I was in fact now old and there was no going back. It seemed that all my friends and people I cared about all had exactly what they wanted: to be normal. Why was that so damned hard for me? I had tried so hard to be part of a tribe. I had long term supposedly deep friendships. I'd had the long term girlfriends, I was the first to buy a house amongst my friends, I had a high salary and a university education - the first in my family. I had tried to do everything that society had asked of me. But none of it really stuck. I knew deep down it was all bullshit and nothing could undo the sensation. That sensation undid me in the end. The time had come when carrying that sort of cognitive dissonance around couldn't be tolerated any more. Either I would be normal and fit in or I would go all out and be different and unfettered. I fell for the first person that gave a damn and I desperately wanted normality with her. I chased her like a hungry wolf and she nearly succumbed. But after a very long period she rebuffed me with conviction - she had finally made a decision, and I wasn't it. During the early stages of both being in love/lust, strongly wanting normality and strongly wanting out - I lived a zombie existence. During waking hours I couldn't bear to be indoors. I in fact wanted to run far far away. I spent many many hours just walking aimlessly. I would take trains to nowhere in particular just to be somewhere away from my home town and myself (Eckhart Tolle's story strongly resonates with me here). Slowly over time the realisation took hold that my crisis was very much not a materialistic one. What I realised was that I hated myself, not in a cut myself kind of way, but in the same way that a lazy or fat person is vilified. I hated that I was a coward around people, that I needed people's love so badly, that my own indifference and indecision caused so much resistance and inaction, that I gave away my responsibility to others, and that no matter what I tried I would fail, and even worse I wasn't particularly interesting as a person. I ran to New Zealand completely unplanned for an unspecified amount of time. I ended up being amongst 20 somethings. This helped. I had an excuse to behave like a young person again, and I could reinvent myself. I ended up being called Tom for two months (despite having Guillermo for a name). I came back somewhat rejuvenated and full of a sense of my own ability to change my circumstances. Coming back was painful. The mental torture was still there, just to a lessened degree. But I made strides to do more things by myself. I would sit in pubs and restaurants and cinemas by myself. It was unbearably uncomfortable at first. In the end I realised that my "normal" friends didn't do this sort of thing: they were the cowards. Over time this gave me great personal strength. During that time I would find myself crying at music in the car or being uncontrollably emotional at work. I needed to learn to love myself, I even saw a hypnotherapist. She cleared some of my "blockages" and I began to feel lighter. That incessant feeling of needing to run slowly went away over years and I began to settle into my current self asymptotically. How am I now? A lot more mentally stable. I've learned to accept my mediocrity - just like everyone else does - it no longer presses on me so hard. I've also learned that I'm very much responsible for myself and the direction my life takes. And I still live in hope that life will end up being wonderful and maybe one day extraordinary. Fuck normality, I was never cut out for it.