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Thank you, @Nahm! Awesome post by the way! Just to make it clear, you mean that, instead of taking many things to improve (like the 5 I mentioned), I should just pick one? I'm thinking about it and maybe it's a good idea to challenge myself for 21 days to create a unique habit and then start another. Baby-steps. The post was really awesome! Thank you, @Dan Arnautu! My tears are not of excitement and joy, but I love releasing them. It's being a bit difficult to focus on presence while on neuroleptics, but I'm handling it. Thank you for your inspiring post, @rabbitat! I really appreaciate it :). Thank you, @Hellspeed! That's the whole point of my thread, that if I really need a desperation point to start evolving. I think my desperation point started when I was hospitalized and forced medications. Then after the hospitalization, I gained some weight, had back injuries and lost my best friend (suicide). Maybe those situations weren't challenging enough...

Do you mean you have watched some monks commit suicide?

is that picture real? Suicide by fire? I don't think enlightenment can help you remain calm while being burned alive. You're going to feel the burn.

@BjarkeT I think you're missing the point. The reason I made the manifesto is so we should avoid disaster. Scarcity means a scarcity of resources spiritual and physical so if you really embraced pain why don't you right now give everything you own to charity and start from scratch. It'll be a painful journey to do something like that and outside of your comfort zone. There's a difference between going outside of your comfort zone and embracing pain which I do agree with you it helps. What I'm talking about here is true suffering that leads nations on the brink of war and people on the brink of suicide. I think if we avoided this we'd be living in a better world. I don't know what your history is yet I saw when someone asked if working 24/7 is manageable and you said that you doubt it and your body needs sleep. In a world of scarcity let's say if we got rid of all labor laws and a person had to work 24/7 and sleep was considered a luxury we'd all be suffering for it for no reason. This scenario would usually happen in a scarcity world as opposed to an abundance world. If pain is your thing in an abundance world you'd have the chance to buy a ticket to go climb mount Everest that would most likely push you out of your comfort zone and grow you. In a scarcity world just to survive if you needed to be a wage slave it wouldn't exactly be painful it would just be boring and mind numbing yet if you didn't do this job you'd run out of money and your survival needs. Do you understand it's not about pain and pleasure it's about creating a sustainable system that sustains physical and spiritual growth. It's about not being a mindless cog in a heartless machine.

Would you voluntarily subject yourself to military service for 6-12 months if you were never asked to join the army? I wouldn't. The vast majority of people wouldn't either unless they were rendering military service for other benefits like money and career. I could say the same thing about farming, mining, forced labor, etc, etc, ... I propose that as we become freer from forced labor, the societies will become more conducive to enlightenment and personal development. Your friend's experience could have easily become just another distraction if I were him. It would be just another unneccesary pain to me. Pain could easily become a distraction or just another noise in my mind because my ego would react like a crazy monkey. Some people end up shooting others or commiting suicide in army. Each individual needs a unique path to growth. A better path for me would be to do "do nothing" meditation for one hour a day. Even if you were lucky to grow spiritually in army, army would do almost nothing for rising through stages of Spiral Dynamics.

Cynthia Bourgeault gives great instructions on the practice of Centering Prayer In the spiritual circles I've traveled through. No one seems to appreciate Ocke deBoer the way I do. In this interview Iain Mcnay doesn't seem to get Ocke at all. I'll admit that in this interview, Ocke is not very articulate but I think it's because English is not his primary language. His two books HIGHER BEING BODIES and TWO SOULS are treasures to me. Two quotes from HIGHER BEING BODIES "If you could float above the earth and become aware of all the negativity that is going on, you would never laugh again. The world is ruled by negative emotions." "This is the difference between us and the angels. Angels are perfectly made and, therefore, naive and stupid; they can only do what they are made for. Humans have many more possibilities. There is more joy in heaven for one perfected human being than for a thousand angels." From Paul Beekmans review of HIGHER BEING BODIES There is much more in his work to recommend in a brief review. For me I found refreshing the fact that Ocke makes work on oneself appear a potential source of pleasure. As he proclaims; "Absence of joy is slow suicide." Nothing could stir one's appetite to work on the self more than this statement. Understanding his own joy so transparent in his work, is the most persuasive reason to read his book. The book contains many other "homey" statements of this sort that speak well to the reader who is not deep into Gurdjieff's language. For example, Ocke suggests how to put meat on the skeleton of consciousness. He would free his reader from the prison of identification. He contrasts the head brain's radiation with the heart brain's emanation. He tells us the difference between inner and outer memory. the solar soul that can be developed over the lunar body that is destined to dust. This is finally. a book written by one who knows and cares for those who care but do not know yet how to work on themselves.

The only way to cure suicidal thoughts is for one to do it themselves overtime. It won't take an hour, a week, or even months to fully get rid of your suicidal thoughts. It requires constant work and understanding of what suicide is. I haven't fully cured mine but it definitely is improving a lot. There was a time when I got low to the point of where I was about try to kill myself with a butter knife due to family problems and nihilism. The main thing that helps is knowing that there is always a possibility for happiness. And it's nice to have people to hang out with.

I had suicidal ideations a couple of times. I understand it like a mind trick, because suicide is out of question for me (if I have suicidal ideations, it's because something isn't working well). The first time I had suicidal ideations, I took antidepressants. No shame on that because I was probably physiologically screwed up. It's not just a matter of changing semantics. It's deeper than that.

So I went to a psychiatrist. She prescribed me Xanax, fuck Xanax, I'll shoot it in my mouth like candies. Couldn't get the antidepressant prescription because she was avoiding any discussion. I've also hidden my symptoms of bipolar from her because in this case I would get valproic acid or lithium which come with some nasty side effects and toxicity and I see no use in it unless severely manic. Also antidepressants may trigger mania or hypomania (which I had) that's another thing. I worked one day as a carwasher. Jesus Christ I really feel sorry for those stage red/blue women that work there 12 hours a day with very little weekends. The work is okay, it could give me some grounding physical exercises that are not too exhausting and very flexible working schedule, but the unbearable part is that they expect you to wash very fast and clean which is so difficult that it makes you sweaty and angry. After my exam car that I had to wash fast in the end of the day I was so depressed that I was thinking of suicide again, I barely suppressed my cries in front of my collegues. When I went home I was crying all the way and just surrendering to depression talking to myself like "oh yeah bitch, that's devil coming out of me, yikes". I thought "OK, depressed, not a big deal, will see in the morning if I can handle this job further", and then I realized that I don't even have time to sleep enough even though I tried to cook and shower as fast as I can. When I woke up in the morning it was definitely no. Well, at least I worked there for the experience, bwehehe, it was actually fun to use those waterguns, when you press the trigger you feel like you've got all the power in the world, you freaking clearing fairy goddamit. I had fights with my parents about psychiatry and work and shit. They agreed to help me financially with anti-inflammatory diet and acknowledged my health problems. The diet is the one of my main goals at the moment. Still looking for work though. My accountability partnership works. It's been almost a month since I stopped masturbating irresponsibly, it also helped me with some other important commintments like job search. I tried melatonin for sleep and it works. But I have some side effects: headache, nausea, it also seems to affects my kundalini. The carwashing thing shook my schedule and mental state, I will keep experimenting with it. First time I took it I woke up very early in the morning with no alarm and was like "HOLY FUKK?!?! MIRACLE!". Waking up in time definitely lessens my social anxiety and brain fog. Do-nothing is helpful for anxiety for me. Anxiety always comes with constant decision making loop, you are constantly in that state "I gotta fix this, I gotta fix that, what do I do what do I do what do I do", while do-nothing is the opposite of that. You just sit and whatever, fuck it, blah-blah-blah. As you develop do-nothing you can access that any time of the day when you catch yourself in that meaningless decision-making spiral. The length of the day started to increase in northern hemisphere, I will finally have spring fever after all.

This whole notion that the field of psychology is some innocent honest ethical system is just downright wrong. I’m sorry. Maybe it’s because you’re only reading one half of the story, maybe it’s because you haven’t suffered from crippling issues that failed to be addressed or solved AT ALL by psychiatry and psychology whether it be from ADHD to almost committing suicide to knowing people personally or whatever, but this notion that the psychotherapeutic and psychiatric system has their shit handled is just not true. These systems often don’t help people because their understanding is limited and also because this system is extremely corrupt, particularly the FDA. Hell look at how they treat psychedelics. Did you read why Reich was looked up and had his books burned? Because he started publishing “orgone energy” (or prana) and because his practices were rather “unorthodox”. “Unorthodox” doesn’t mean anything if it actually helps people but if you have certain knowledge which your government system doesn’t want spread (like the case in the USA with psychedelics) then don’t be surprised if they bust down your doors and shut you down. If you think what I’m saying is that NO ONE gets help from psychotherapy in some way shape or form than you’re mistaking what I’m saying but this notion that the FDA is some trustworthy and honest noteworthy federal agency is just fucking false. The entire system of psychiatry alone is incredibly corrupt and it’s honesty shameful and disgusting. Maybe you haven’t had doctors keep pressing you on pills because you were fortunate not to be in that situation to understand. Yeah you can read “documented cases” till the cows come home but that doesn’t justify how ineffective and dysfunctional and how lacking psychotherapy and psychiatry is in things like stage yellow systems thinking which is extremely needed because millions of people get fucked over and sometimes even killed because of shallow low grade solutions, cover up of symptoms rather than attacking root causes, a corrupt and ineffective system, pushing pills that more often than not aren’t needed that can totally change a fuck up one’s biochemistry that become extremely addictive with horrendous side effects that rarely work long term (years/decades).

@Leo Gura Have you read much on existentialism and Albert Camus? If so, what are your thoughts on this and also his philosophy of Absurdism? It almost seems quite related to the liberation of fear & anguish over death one ultimately acquires from a place of Enlightenment and awakening. The search for meaning as a cause of suffering and once becoming conscious of the absurdity of life and confronting that, avoiding ignorance, and eventually unchaining ourselves from a mental prison cell which ultimately unravels us into a sense of Nirvana & acceptance. When I read The Myth of Sisyphus for the first time as a teenager, it had a huge impact on me. Choosing philosophical suicide (or "leap of faith") over physical suicide healed me. I also thought the concept was strikingly similar to samsara. I find both existentialism and Buddhism, though both from different worlds, sort of come to some of the same conclusions. The act of mindfulness, embracing the inevitability of death, and seeing suffering as part of existence. It's not "bad" or negative because it implies to let go but never to give up either because suffering can indeed be overcome and provide the greatest meaning we search for by becoming a happier person and creating a happier life. The only way to seek "meaning" and find God is by embracing the Absurd which I think is the solution of facing the eventual reality of termination. “In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer." --Camus

@Mikael89 I’ve been in non duality for almost 4 years. Sentences like the apparent self suffers , and other non dual lingo are nonesense. There is suffering. It is felt. It is uncomfortable. 2 non dual teachers have even committed suicide.

@Blissout You really got a super fantasized version of Enlightenment. If this is a strict parameter, then may as well just commit suicide and leave behind the dead insentient body. That flesh doll won't have ANY emotional or psychological reaction whatsoever. That would be ENLIGHTENMENT. YAY!! THE FLESH DOLL GOT ENLIGHTENED! CONGRATULATIONS!! You are fantasizing about using a software, an app or any device without EVER running into a bug or crash here and there. Realize that body and mind are machines. And they are so interdependent on basically every element of it's surrounding which is really infinite amount of parameters. There cannot be THE PERFECT body and mind. All manifestations are inherently limited and operates in cyclical up-down curves according to the laws of nature. The core of Enlightenment is seeing that this imperfection of body-mind has nothing to do with me. Enlightenment can't make the body-mind perfect. But sure you can try various strategies and self-help to optimize this machine and there is nothing wrong with that.

I'm 26 as well and your story resembles mine. On the brink, or feeling like it, of suicide and having immense anxiety and depressive episodes. Lots of emotional "issues" and addictive behavior (eating). If this was school, what would you say that you are supposed to be learning here? What's the lesson? What do you feel is necessary or calling you to do or look at? What is your situation and why is it so difficult? Describe it to yourself as clearly and factually as possible. The environment, your thoughts, your emotions, your relationships, your habits, etc. Sometimes I find asking questions and describing the situation helps me. I would suggest letting go into the negative emotions and thinking as much as possible. No resistance. Dive into it. That has helped me in the past and I've come out the other side thinking way more positively. I've even heard accentuating the feeling or thinking is a way of getting control over it. Community and environment, for me, have also been really important. Volunteering, working at outdoor lodges, intentional communities, school, maybe even going to church if you think that will bring you closer to feeling safer, more secure, understood, warm, etc. Practicing honesty and truth with myself and others is also something that has helped me. Being vulnerable. Practicing loving-kindness can also help "disintegrate" negative emotions. I start with thinking of a picture that makes me emotional and brings the feeling of love. Then I focus on it and try to maintain and grow it as much as possible. It often melts away any negative feelings or reduces them significantly. It's especially helpful when I don't know what else to do. Being creative in any way. And Nature! That's been a savior for sure. Forest bathing. Taking mindful forest walks. Listening to birds and sounds. Looking at the trees and leaves. Exercise. What exercise can you do? Simply ideas and suggestions.

Do you really think all of those people are happy? and you're hardly alone in feeling this way. There's a reason why suicide rate skyrockets in holiday seasons

I dont know but enlightenment by suicide or death is the norm. Dying before you die is a cool trick. Please read carefully: Death = realization that ego-mind is a fiction. So you can still live. If by "that" you mean that ego-mind is fiction, you can only become aware of it. A belief would have to happen inside ego-mind. But you can get your ego-mind to action by asking yourself the question: How can you prove that you are ego-mind, how can you prove that ego-mind even exists? Why do you think you exist? Why do you think you were born?

@kieranperez Do not commit suicide. Whatever you do, don't end it Your mind keeps telling you that there are no possibilities left, but there are many many, you just have to contemplate a little bit. You can come here to Sweden! The borders are wide open! Learn to speak the basic language and it won't be hard to get a job. You will even get money for studying. Work here, start a new life and use the money to pay your debts abroad You can make yourself vanish without a trace, and in 5 years the court will think you died and your debts will go down that hole as well You can go to that monastery You can travel the world without spending a single penny You can do many many many things. You can fulfill your life purpose in many ways man, just don't end it. Don't make suicide an option, make something else replace that option, like "fuck man, it's so damn hard. I just wanna escape this fucking country by boat" You can solve your problems in the country you are in, you can do something about it, you can solve your situation anyhow! Don't make suicide an option. I just wanted to say this, but im in no position to speak out of my experience. But if I were you, I would seriously consider my options

Hello Guys and Girls, I don't know how to begin to describe how I feel. Maybe I will start at the recent trigger. So Yesterday, I again tried to have sex with the girl I'm seeing at the moment and again it did not work. I had this situation a couple of times now with a couple of girls. I feel like I will never be able to actually get over this and feel so freaking demasculined, if thats a word. And that brought everything else up to the surface. For three years I have tried to Self Actualize and the only real result I can honestly congratulate myself on is building a bit of muscle. I tried to build a consistent meditation Habit, now i cant even do 5 minutes. I changed my university degree to psychology thinking it would be my passion and I dont attend the classes. I tried again and again to start making music, buying equipment for lots of money and then ending up not using it. I tried to start to not give into instant gratification and still I cant get myself to be productive at all. I tried to eat healthy and I cant even get myself to cook one healthy meal a day. I tried to keep commonplace book and ended up deleting my notes over and over. I tried and tried and tried and ended up with failure after failure. Yesterday I ended up searching for suicide options for two hours and then realizing that I don't actually want to kill myself. Even in that I fail. I dont feel like I can get anywhere near where I want to be. I feel like its all a hopeless struggle against an invisible wall. The more I push, the more it hurts but nothing moves. I need hours to fall asleep and wake up with the feeling of "Fuck This." I dont even know what I intend with this posts, but this is nothing that i want to tell anyone. I dont want their fricking pity. Their pity makes it so much worse. It makes me feel so much more like I'm useless. Every time my mother looks at me with concern and tries to help me I get so freaking angry. I dont want help. I want to be able to manage things myself. I want to able to live a freaking good life. I dont want to always be depending on others. But I feel like thats a goal I can never reach.

1. How do you quit this game? I do not mean this life, but this whole reincarnation on Earth thing? I do not wanna see this planet again. I know reaching enlightenment is a way, but its too slow. I want to renounce the contract that binds me here NOW. 2. What happens when someone commits suicide? Don't worry I am not planning this, I have 2 daughters, but there is contradicting information on this. 3. Some people talk about psychedelics opening portals for demons, is that true?

If this utopian vision doesn't come with a massive psychological and spiritual growth collectively as well, then suicide rate will go more than 80%...maybe even more

@Hellspeed Thank you hellspeed. For reminding me to focus on inner self. To focus on my relation to God. It was probably my ego backlash haha. From doubting and not surrendering/trusting God completely. You hv no idea what I went through last week. And I was a bit too excited upon knowing &discovering(i'm new to this so it's not possible for me to be as cool & as calm as you , I was a bit too excited as everything started to make sense to me, but honestly it wasn't easy, my lowest point so far in life. Not so much on the outside, but I was so curious about God to the point that I wouldn't mind dying(not suicide but the thought that I wouldn't mind it if God were to take away my life soon,in my religion, dying means returning to God. If you do good deeds you can see God after the day of judgement) But now that I think about it, I can't die yet, I have to fix myself first so that I could see God in my purest form, I can't die now i'm still a bit messed up haha silly me. Then I remembered tht it's possible to see glimpses of what it's like in this lifetime. And if I die, I would at least know the reality of this dimension, since dying means transcending the lower dimension. At least I know what soul state was like. Haha silly. It was just my curiosity to see it myself. I've only known about it conceptually.But nevermind, what I learn is, to be grateful for this life & to do my best while i'm still alive. So that I could meet God in my purest state. What i'm really doubting before is actually about free will vs faith. I doubt it so much that I wanna test it myself and learn it the hard way. And I put myself into unnecessary suffering instead of trusting God 100%. I'm doubting whether I should make a judgement based on rationality or God's guidance. I already act on some crazy decisions but I'm still doubting if I made the right decision. In other words, not trusting God. But not anymore. I'm calm now. (In islam, there is a prayer where you can ask God for guidance and God had answered my prayer but it's.....a bit hard for me to follow hence all the doubting) it wasn't easy really. It's really funny when I look back, now that i've seen the wisdom behind it haha. This is so funny. I am currently attending a one week programme. Discussing about God, and guess what? Everything has been answered now. All my curiosity ,questions and doubts haha. @Hellspeed It can be understood conceptually because I had understand it now^^ Everything had made so much sense now...... Sorry for not being respecful before, that was really not mindful of me as I was only looking from my perspective and was a bit too excited when everything started to make sense to me. That was right before the session start. My mind is still very much limited. And I have learnt so much within this two days. Learning wayy beyond what I thought I had known haha. And there is so much more to learn. It was unexpected. I'm curious about other things now... Sorry about assuming that everyone was interested in cross-learning of different perspective. In reality, it was just me trying to know the essence of God...and make sense of everything as a whole. Now that I think about it, of course it would just be a distraction to those who had find real Truth,i'm sorry. Even the prophet, God revealed the revelations gradually. Not the whole book at once and that's it, I wasn't in my right mind before (curiosity kills). It took 23years for the quran to be revealed and learned/implemented in the prophet's life. After that, he died. When it has become complete. But he only changed dimension, no one will ever really die. And now I see the truth in all of this different perspectives as a whole. It has to make sense to me or else i'd be anxious. But really, the real problem is, my lack of basic knowledge about my own religion. But i'm fine now^^. But human tends to forget. There is so much truth in everything. And I genuinely respect all the masters/gurus/auliyaa'/saints and sages who had known the real Truth. I am nowhere near being enlightened. In my religion it's okay not to be Awakened in this dimension as we will return to God after we died. And those who do good deeds can see God without barriers. And it is beyond what we can imagine..... I learn so much within this two days. Everything make so much sense now.......... Everything new (creations)is subject to change. Hell and heaven are God's Creations too. Including other dimensions(both dimensions in this world and the afterlife). All creations are subject to change. Only God is permanent and Absolute. But God created everything as a Mercy.......and Creations won't know completely of the wisdom behind God's plan....... In this whole thing called maya( we call it something new ) , the people from a higher dimension can see those from a lower dimension.....my guru said he had met the prophet in his dream a few times... and others too....I feel so left behind now. And became curious about something else now haha. Sorry i'm a newbie, can't help but to be excited?

but this dying is very abstract. I have taken rat poison in the past in a failed suicide attempt. Hard to die. But don't we die every night anyway in deep sleep? Come to think of it, I am more deep sleep than a person, but now I have a veil in front of me, a dream which says "I am a body and need to survive as a body"

Serious question really. You know there are plenty of people who have plenty of money, but it isn't making them happy. And lots of people who learned to be happy in life, but struggle with having enough money. Looks like an ideal value exchange waiting to happen! Everywhere, online and in real life, I see people being angry, bitter, depressed, even suicidal because of what looks to me as silly little emotional issues that can be overcome with some simple changes of perspective, some bodywork practices and lifestyle changes. Emotional mastery is something I've been developing through enduring and growing through many kinds suffering & discomfort, synthesizing what I've learned from psychology and philosophy, as well as my experiences with yoga and spirituality. I would say this is a gift I would like to share this with the world... What would be some great opportunities to test and refine this skill in real life, interacting with people directly as opposed to just conversing and posting material online? This I can ask about volunteer opportunities, I'm considering volunteering at a depression/suicide crisis center. When ready, I would also need to choose a medium as for how I'm going to provide value by uplifting others. Become a life coach who specialized in happiness coaching?

I didn't really understand this rule. Is it the most difficult decision out of two logical and good choices? Because if you would take this rule litterally you would commit suicide or burn your house down? Can someone explain please?

Hey fellow actualizers, I would like to share with you my story with 5-MeO-DMT. I made a post previously talking about my experience with low dosages. In this post, I will describe the full encounter. Getting the substance I got this substance semi-legally about a month ago. I got it from a legal research chemical distributor. They will sell it to you provided you don't have the intention of using it on yourself or others. DMT is a scheduled 3 substance in Canada, which is not that high priority (Cannabis was scheduled 2 up until recently). Also, 5-MeO is not very known from the DMT family. RoA I've experimented with both snorting and plugging. Initially, I started with snorting, but I discovered that it wasn't the most effective for me. I didn't like the burning in my nose, I was losing substance, my nose became very dry, and I would have some dry blood in my nose afterward. Plugging, on the other hand, was very clean. The substance dissolves in water and you are able to absorb it much easier and faster with rectal administration. It is my opinion that plugging is the way to go (provided you get a small syringe ). Small Dose I've already made a lengthy post about my experiences on a small dose. To summarize it, at first, I felt a slight discomfort with tension in my head, small buzz, a little bit of shivering and nausea. These were minuscule and not very noticeable. Afterward came a very deep meditative state. This was meditation and contemplation on steroids. As if I took my most contemplative moments and multiplied them by 1000. My mind was firing with cognitive activity all over. Thoughts were cycling. Not just thoughts but more like "Aha" moments, like understanding after understanding and so on. Insights were everywhere and all sensation became very potent. I've experienced moments of deep love and connection, omnipresence, insights about awareness and the present moment. After those peeks I came to a state of bliss and peacefulness. Overall it was great, the experiences went by after about 30 min I was back to baseline. I was still present as my Ego throughout the experiences. Insight: Experience is the key. There is a whole world out there far beyond what mind can image and what we can put into words. Thinking/Language/Communication is also a type of experience, but only one out of an infinite sea of experiences and perceptions - don't give it too much weight. Medium Dose This trip was very very very different - 540 degrees different. I still can't fathom how you can get such a different experience from the same substance. This time it was very physical and can be summarized as hell, torture and slow death. All those discomforts that normally come up before the peak. Well, they got amplified to an unbearable degree. I felt an extreme amount of body discomfort. I wanted to escape to run away, to surrender. It wasn't a pain in a sense of somebody is cutting you with a knife. It wasn't fear either, as you can imagine standing on the edge of a building. It was this nasty nasty feeling of internal discomfort. Like when you're super anxious about something. Maybe loosely like when you wear an uncomfortable t-shirt, or its too hot, or something bothers and you want to jump out of your skin. You feel frustrated/angry/anxious at the same moment. It was a type of Ego-discomfort taken to the extreme of what's possible. I felt nauseous and wanted to puke very badly. My body was shaking like crazy. Not shaking from cold, but shaking from like a wound in a stomach. I felt like dying, like I couldn't take it anymore. I was trying to surrender to it, but I couldn't. I was trying to meta surrender - surrender to the fact that I couldn't surrender, but that didn't work either. I was fucked. Honestly, if you think you're a tough guy? I dare you to go through this. Some of the thoughts going through my head: "Why would you do this to yourself?" "Did I just overdosed and killed myself?" "I want this to pass!" "It's just a feeling, its just a feeling" That was pretty much the whole experience. It lasted for about 30 min but man, it felt like an eternity! I was still present as my Ego throughout the experience though. Insight: This is what dying is like. Ego is everything about you. It's a very physical thing! emotions and thoughts are interlinked. Subconscious thoughts give rise to emotions which give rise to surface thoughts and provoke actions. I heard before that Ego is just a thought, but dammit it goes so deep. It controls everything about our body. It is our whole existence. It is very subtle until your survival is threatened. I have huge respect for people who took 5-MeO-DMT Heavy Dose Preface Well needless to say that my previous trip freaked the shit out of me. I knew I came close, but not close enough to fall into the abyss. So I was musting up the courage. I knew that to go all the way I needed to die. My mind was coming up with excuses of not doing it. Suddenly things I was forcing myself to do became not so difficult just to avoid this experience (nice try mind). From the previous trip, I knew that dying feels very real at that moment. There is no difference between that and "actual" death. It's funny but to actually make passing over easier, I wrote a final letter/suicide note to my loved ones. I typed it up, printed it and left it on my desk before the trip. This might sound too extreme, and I didn't think I was actually going to die. I thought I will come out of it, and the whole thing will look silly. But then again, at the back of my mind, I thought that you never know. Plus I would want somebody to leave me a comforting letter before they go. I got ready, did an hour of meditation, which put me in a very relaxing state. Experience This substance keeps surprising me. It was very unexpected. I can't put it into words. It's just too much. The transition from regular consciousness was super clean. When the discomfort started to show up. I just laid on the bed, closed my eye and it passed away (or my sense of self passed away). I think the preparation and my state of surrender really helped. Either way, what happened cannot be even close to thoughts or words. It was deeper than time, space, ideas or my own self. I was the raw reality itself, it was impossible. It was there, but nobody was looking at it. Perceptions were there but nobody was there to perceive it. It's a f*cking paradox. You would think perceptions need a perceiver. My body was extremely loose. It collapsed and I was far far far gone. The body was doing things by itself. I didn't even know if I was breathing. Some sensations were there, but it was sort of neutral. I can't even say neutral because that's putting it inside criteria. Really language is incapable of describing this. Words are kind of like post signs to experience. But it wasn't even an experience, because there was nobody to experience it. It was incredible. But even to say that is giving it a judgment. It wasn't good or bad. It transcended all limits and criteria because there was nobody there to give any human judgment. Kind of like Earth was prior to humans. My body could die or live it didn't matter. It was waaaaaayyy beyond my existence. The mind would occasionally talk, but it appeared sort of in the background like an echo. All It could say was - thing, no thing. It went on like this "existence, no existence" "love, no love" "life, no life" "enlightenment, no enlightenment" and so on about everything. There was no difference between anything. I was not present as my Ego throughout the experiences. I lied on my bed for 2 hours after this experience in a state of no-self. I could say that it was bliss. But even that is not true, because bliss implies an opposite to be true as a reference. There was no reference in this experience. Then there was a feeling in my belly. I could label it as me getting hungry, but there was no reason to act on it. No reason to act on anything for that matter. Eventually, the intensity was slowly coming down and I convinced myself to get up. Insight: What I was describing is only what the mind can come up with. What actually happened transcended all of that. What happened is what is left when everything goes out the window. Every identification crumbled. There is only this something - It is nothing, everything, energy, dark matter, empty space, Tao, awareness, God, aliens, simulation whatever you say about it. It is so much bigger than you, you are not even on its radar. There is no free will, nor somebody to not have free will. As an Ego, I am a puppet empty inside. When I die ... I will go back to the source.