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@Mikael89 I do have a problem. I have high sensitivity disorder which caused me to develop really bad social anxiety and an underlying depression that is my baseline mood. Years and years I have just been living as the victim. “Certain people can do these awesome things but not me.”, “People don’t understand how bad it is for me.”, etc, etc. But then I realized what are my other options? Literally WHAT ARE MY OTHER OPTIONS. I can stay at home every day because the littlest thing overstimulates me and be all sad about it, or I can push my edge every day which may look like nothing to some people, but work towards living the life I want to live. If I want to be happy and live as I want, what other option do I have than to just do my best? So, I decided that I want to meet girls and become completely free in my self-expression. I cannot approach girls right now. I cannot behave exactly as I want to right now. But instead of being all down and defeated by that, I go out every day to go as far as I can. Saying “Hi” to everyone I see, walking past girls and looking them in the eyes instead of completely going the other way, small things like that. Monthly doing something that really scares me like actively being in a highly social environment and trying to join in f.e. In doing this I’ve already noticed huge improvements in how I feel on a day to day basis. It might take longer than most people but I will keep working untill I get to the point where I can be completely vulnerable and myself, and talk to any girl I want. I’m sure there are many people out there who have it much worse than me and so could you (I don’t know your situation) but subjectively, my life up to 3 years ago has been really dark and made me ponder suicide multiple times. If you are serious about this, and not trolling, ask yourself: Where will pitying myself and being a victim get me? We all just want to be happy and live a fulfilling life. Give yourself the chance to live a life like that. You owe it to yourself.

Who has ever survived suicide to tell us what Thought and Experience comes after the deadly act? Does Awareness survive suicide? Now you have yourself a great contemplation topic my friend. Look into it.

Is wanting ego death like wanting suicide? Does it mean Leo wants to commit (internal) suicide and wants others to see him do it? I think being dead and alive at the same time is cool.

I know. I was just saying to be careful with the relativism tool. The below statements could be used to neutralize someone else's views about morality and harm. In this case about pedophilia. Person A believes children are too young to make their own sexual decisions and that it is harmful for an adult to have sex with the child. Person B believes children can be mature enough to make their own sexual decisions and it is not harmful for an adult to have sex with them. Person B can use moral relativism to neutralize Person A's claim by saying "People interpret children's naivety in one way or another. There are an infinite number of ways to interpret data and none of them is true". I'm not saying this is your intention - yet in a discussion, that statement could be seen as discrediting someone's view. What if the data showed that 99% of children that have sex with an adult commit suicide and the other 1% suffer depression the rest of their lives? A person interprets that data to mean that pedophilia harms children. Would you still stand by your statement that the data can be interpreted in an infinite number of ways and none of them is true? I don't intend to mean that what you wrote is wrong. I'm just saying be aware of a slippery slope with relativism. It can shut down discussion and digging to deeper levels. Consider another viewpoint that combines relativism and reason: "There are many ways to interpret the same set of data. Perhaps several interpretations hold some value. How can we connect the dots from various perspectives to create a more holistic view?". This acknowledges that their are relative views, that various views may have value and that it is possible to develop an integrated holistic view with even higher value. This isn't easy to do because one must be open to considering other views that make them uncomfortable. It is something I am working to get better at.

@Emerald I agree with your essay on male - female power dynamics and I'm trying to think of a case where men "don't have it better". The closest I can think of is child custody after divorce. Traditionally in the U.S., women were seen as the nurturing mother that provided child care while the men worked to provide financial support. So after divorce it seemed like women were given preference for custody share and men had to fight for equal custody rights (especially in the conservative south of the U.S.). I know we have progressed in this area over the last couple of decades, yet would you say that overall there is gender equality for child custody (assuming both parents are healthy)? This is anecdotal, but my brother, who lives in South Carolina, has had to go to ridiculous lengths in court trying to gain full custody from an unfit mother. During the process, the mother has broken custody laws, she has snapped into fits of rage and aggression - she has been caught threatening and verbally abusing the children. My brother has spent years working with lawyers, police officers and psychiatrists to gain majority custody and get the troubled daughters into therapy (one of the girls attempted suicide). The mother has worked to *prevent* the girls from receiving therapy. Yet, the court kept giving her equal custody. After years of this, he was recently given 75% custody. If the situation was reversed - I can't help but think he would be stripped of custody. I know this is anecdotal and I don't have statistics, yet do you think, overall, child custody is biased toward the mother?

@Leo Gura You're in total denial of male primary issues, like divorce rape, suicide, and autism. Your'e also not acknowledging covert female wiring vs overt male wiring. That's what MRAs are mostly about. P.S. I will never actively involve myself in MRA work.

@Leo Gura Thank you, I will keep basing everything in my direct experience and not stay stuck in details. Thank you for your channel by the way, your advices changed my life completely. I found Actualized.org when I was seriously thinking about commiting suicide because of the guilt I was programmed with by the church. But now I see light and joy in everything I see thanks to following your advices for 2 years.

Entry 366 | The Joy Of Bringing Value To Others I'd like to dedicate this entry to anybody who has ever felt how I've felt when they've felt depressed about anything and particularly to my 13-year-old self. There were some dark moments of my teenage years where it felt like I would never be of any value to anybody in the world. At the very worst, I'd have thoughts of suicide but then further thoughts saying that even that wouldn't mean anything to anyone. But this entry comes from a much older version of myself that just today was reminded of his value in the world. And when I say "world" I don't mean the whole of the human race but more like "my world." These are the people in my life: my family, friends, partner and my customers. There honestly aren't that many people close to me in my life right now. I could possibly count them on my fingers. But I would like to make this entry for my future self to serve as a reminder of just how much value I can have on simply one person in life. I want to focus on my customers. There aren't many of them right now. In fact, there are only two of them right now. At this point, I think it's safe to say that my third might have decided to stop having lessons. Far from perfect right? And yes it's far from earning a living. I live at home still with mum and dad and earn what I can which (going on teaching alone) that's around £200 per month. It's important that I'm honest about this now because this has been my financial struggle for a good year now. Earnings are far from ideal but from my experience today, it's still so damn worth it. These two students have been with me for a year now. I've taught them to the best of my ability and encouraged them to practice and develop themselves as guitar players. One of them has autism and has been able to learn 4 pieces: Smells Like Teen Spirit, Wonderwall, Psycho and The Handler (well at least up until those difficult chords after the main guitar solo). The other student, whose lesson today inspired me to write this entry, has entered for his grade 3 exam to take place later this year. This makes me feel so damn inspired and fulfilled. I always say that the first year of doing something new is the worst. I've used that as encouragement for my students to help them push through that tricky first year. Maybe it's also true with teaching. But it's the second student in particular that has really fuelled me with energy because over the course of the year, I've helped him to perform 3 intricate rock/pop pieces, learn 13 scales, 7 arpeggios, improvise solos and recall melodies and chords through ear tests. It's after today's lesson that I'm convinced that he's going to pass his exam and it feels awesome. Seeing him smiling away through our whole lesson and genuinely having fun and laughter throughout was a great sign that he's found something that really matters to him. Could it be that I've helped this kid find a calling of his own? Time will tell. The lesson I want to take away from this is about having the motivation to go out and work on your life purpose. The reward of doing this work is the fulfilment that you get from doing the work. I repeat! The reward of doing this work is the fulfilment that you get from doing the work! The pay check at the end of the day is just there to allow you to keep doing the work that you are doing. The fulfilment from receiving money for doing your life purpose (no matter how small or big) is far outweighed by the fulfilment of actually doing your life purpose. Yes, I may have lost a student because I had kind of given up on him. That's fine. It's my responsibility that he's going to end up quitting because I've played a role in facilitating the lessons and doing the job (which is to inspire him with a more self-expressive life, not just to teach him how to play guitar). I failed in that instance and it's okay. Because if the other two students have taught me anything, it's that I have the ability to provide so much value for someone. I can be a valuable asset to someone. It doesn't matter about the quantity of people I help but the quality with which I help them. So there you go, Mr. 13-year-old Liam from the past. There is your proof at long last that you CAN be a valuable asset to someone. You can change the world in meaningful ways. It's time for you to stop believing that you're never going to be good enough for people because here is the proof! It took you nearly 10 years to create the proof but it was worth every second. And this is bizarre and possibly even imaginary but I do believe that when I actually was around that age, I visualised having a conversation with my future self. The future self who had figured out something worth living for. Something worth bettering myself for. Say what you will but I think that future self is right here and right now. Because for once in my life, I believe in myself. Pick of the day:

Chapter 28 Foundational emotions. The emotions/instincts of hunger and fear,survival,possession, intimacy. When these are threatened its called abuse of basic human rights. Examples of this behavior would be, death threats, kidnapping the person, not letting the person to eat, keeping a person chained, false imprisonment, threatening to kill or rape, physical assault or attack, stalking, killing, suicide due to harassment, blackmailing, suicide threats, sexual abuse, attacking the person's children.. Such behavior is criminal. Foundational violation. Basic qualities and emotions of love, dignity, peace, trust, and happiness. These constitute the person's attachment to house, hearth, job, occupation,religion, marriage, children, family, neighborhood, etc. The threatening of such emotions is "violation of basic mental and emotional needs." I will call this principal violation. Since it is the violation of basic principles or premises on which the relationship between two people or between a person and a system or institution exists. When these basic emotions are threatened, there is a possibility for the other person to then have emotional agenda and that in some way is justifiable because their trust has been broken. Therefore such a person reacting out of emotion is not very unwise or being criminal or bad. They are just being emotional. Although such a reaction may not have been necessary the anger or outrage is understandable. There is a crucial difference. A person can behave a certain way when there is no cause. This is aggressor behavior. If the person freaks out or is acting aggressive or is having temper tantrum but because they were triggered and they were abused or they were provoked or pushed to the edge or enraged by bad behavior then this behavior is not aggressor or reactor behavior. This behavior is not to be judged.. Examples Foundational violations A mother intentionally starving a child or a boy being bullied with death threats in school or a child being thrown out of the house even if he hasn't caused any harm or sexual assault of a woman at the workplace or stalking, or a person's reputatio being endangered causing him or her loss of job and income. Principal violations A husband cheating on the wife, a husband being emotionally abusive to his wife, uncaring individual, uncaring parents, a religious cult that bullies the member, classroom bullying,. Cyberbullying, a neighbor threatening or spreading rumors, isolation and humiliation of an employee , The nature of the perpetrator of violation. Is he /she an aggressor Is he /she a reactor This should be taken out before deciding or differentiating wrong and right behavior.

He was certainly of high vibration Also enlightenment is not an on and off switch, it is a gradient Which explains why many on the path of enlightenment still embody a part of the collective misery, although in their own special way, even suicide done by someone of high vibration can carry a lot of meaning So I maintain that no one will fully enlighten unless the whole world is enlightened, it is a collective evolution, we all carry the world inside of us and its emotional plane, as long as a part of the world is sick so will a part of us reflect that

This is another fascinating idea put forward by mark hyman in the book. "Consuming too many omega 6 fats also increases the likelihood of inflammatory diseases and links to mental illness, suicide, and homicide. In fact, studies have shown a connection of mental health with inflammation in the brain." https://drhyman.com/blog/2016/01/29/why-oil-is-bad-for-you/

Fine? The only thing that keeps me going is that I have an easy method of suicide prepared and ready to go, a bunch of weights and ropes in my room, a city canal, in case things get really too intense, the option to be able to sign out gives me reassurance and control over the experience, I came really close to giving in a few times, at this point each day is a win I've tripped so far visually that people myself included look like aliens compared to what humans looked like before, yet somehow I'm able to somewhat function, yes, I'm glad for that I could try to write down how intrigate and hard this experience , believe me I didn't try, but I don't like to moan, which is why I like your attitude. You're right, the last shaman I went to who started my initial trip could offer me little advice, perhaps I could benefit from talking to another shaman, even if it is mere talking If I could push a button to reverse the experience , stop it, loss of insights included I'd push it, I would've pushed it a thousand times, thats how I know this experience is not exactly a gift, there is no value in power through self-destruction @Bryan Lettner Hey Brian, did your 6-8 months trip include visual evolutions? Or not at all

Last year in january I engaged on a ayahuasca trip with a shaman who hosted free ayahuasca sessions at his home. The trip was quite hard, it consisted mostly of energetic suffering but after a certain point, redemption was attained, the trip became consistent with visions and insights and divine states of being. That shaman, wanted me to become an ayahuasca shaman as well, he gifted me with the necessary plant material to brew my own ayahuasca and he gifted 2 small bottles with ready-to-use ayahuasca enough for one extra as soon as I got home. As soon as I got home I was indeed quite excited to have one more trip of ayahuasca, it felt like I was on the tip of the divine, the edge of divine and sacred realms, I could go there and perhaps finally find the energy to open up my heart to cure my social anxiety which is at the root of my depression and empty-feeling life. I toke a normal dose, and because I had only just done an ayahuasca trip I worried that it wouldn't be enough, that I'd be too tolerant to the effects, I somehow compared mushrooms to ayahuasca, I was foolish, I knew that my past experiences with dmt proved that it was the opposite the more you do the less tolerant you get. In another way I felt brave, so I toke a normal dose and a half, 1.5 dosage The trip was the most horrible and difficult trip and difficult moment of my entire life,I couldn't have ever imagined that life could feel this vividly bad, I landed in pure hell, I was on the edge of killing myself save for having managed to call 2 friends in the middle of the night to come pick me up before I jumped into the city canal to end it all. During the trip I finally understood that one horror story, about that one guy in England or America who did drugs and ended up tripping so bad he ended up attacking his own girlfriend and eating her face up. I could comprehend how one could be so pushed so far, how volatile and organic madness could push one so far, in that moment I felt sad for that guy but the psychological hell of feeling like I'm drawing dangerously close to being able to do the same thing had me heading straight to the canal to kill myself. I had discovered my greatest fear and hell, it is not talking to girls, nor getting hurt physically, it is ending hurting someone else badly despite my own will. It was a matter of saving other people at that point of the trip. And that was only 3 hours into the trip, luckily my friends came over to pick me up, they were 2 strong lads and I could focus on making it through the trip without worrying that I'd end up hurting anyone, my physical body was in safe hands. I tripped the whole night hellishly, and the next day the trip continued with moderate to severe intensity till the end of the day. My advice for those who do ayahuasca, do it in daylight, you have more energy, both physically and mentally,especially in case the trip is hard, do it with multiple friends, so that you don't have to worry about your physical body, in the case that you lose absolute control you want morr then one person to be able to handle your physical body at its unconscious superstrength. It may not seem obvious at first, but its there in the back of your mind, you cannot let go fully if no one sober and trusted is watching your physical body. After that day my life changed forever, constant visual and energetic waves of tripping, in retrospect I've been tripping everyday for the past months. In variation to my activities, states of being, thoughts, meditation, perhaps this is enlightenment but I haven't really read in this forum or anywhere about people who encounter daily changes on the level of a moderate lsd experience everyday. Somewhere it feels my enlightemment is guiding me through this madness which really feels like one long non-stop ayahuasca trip, for the past months I had to quit about 3 jobs because I couldn't hold them down like this. I had to be mindless as much as possible most of the time, my own thoughts would send me tripping into bad places, only recently has it improved and I have effectively recuperated my mind. The city which used to change every few days visually is changing at a slower pace now. It is still impossible for me to be out at night, any activities being out at night in this city that I live in, friends or not, once its night time I lose all my energy, and if I push it I'm left with a depression that sends me on the borders of suicide. Night-time is deadly for me at this point I had social anxiety before, now I had periods where anxiety flared so much it was pure hell going to the supermarket doing groceries, passing by people on the streets I had to literally sometimes brace my abs so that I would not be swayed too much by the anxious event of a passing by someone that is walking in opposite direction of me, just to brace my own body, to keep control of my own walk, as if a train passed me by. Feeling people's emotions a thousand fold, great anger and a wide array of emotions let me get over my anxiety, which is good, except now I seem outlandishly confident, even alien and now it seems everywhere I go people notice me, but even worse some people fear me, or are intimidated. I know that I intimidate no one who's intentions are with love, these good souls don't fear me, throughout this ordeal I seem to be in harmony with life. I seem to be employed lately as a merciless reflection, a punisher of some sorts. Anyone with an ego, who thinks they are stronger then others, who measures others powers, when they meet me and measure my power they meet their own aggression right back at them pure and unfiltered. I know not what these people feel when they see me and try to measure me but I know it is now they who wobble when I pass them by, who can barely walk straight anymore,it is they who fear People start racing me by on the streets or weirdly almost charging at me, changing seats in public transport, trying to keep an eye on me, grown men, grown women, everyone with an ego gets it. And I would feel guilty, making people fear in the city, literally sweating in fear,I saw one guy and he looked like he thought I was about to murder him. I never wanted this I felt like a monster at times..but then I noticed the only people getting scared are the snobs, the intimidating tough guy type, the women and men with ego, who think they're somehow better then everyone else. Somewhere I feel it is people like them with selfish hearts who get on on having an advantage over others who have made it so hard for sensible timid souls like me to live on this earth. I never thought my light work would amount to this, breaking ego's of snobs and intimidators and judgers Well somewhere it feels good, like justice being delivered, these people only meet the violence and aggression that they project onto others. To measure someone' elses power is aggression, defense is offense, offense is defense Those who focus on being stronger then others, will meet the reflections thats coming to them That is how my enlightenment has evolved in an urban setting, hopefully my ayahuasca trip will slow down more and more till I can have a normal life again What has maintained my sanity through these months is no doubt the belief in love, life has let it presence and love be felt many times, for that I'm grateful

Hello Actualized.org, hello all who may visit. I decided to finally post a Self-Actualization Journal. My name is Paulina. I'm a very naturally curious and self-motivated person. I consider myself to be a natural explorer too. For the last few years in my life, I've lost a sense of direction and purpose do to various personal and economical problems. I fell into a deep depression and stayed there for years until one day I was on the brim of suicide. My family agreed I was crazy (or something) and I bought into this lie so I spent a lot of time and effort with shrinks... to little avail. I touched bottom, so I started digging into the root cause of my life's structure (rather, un-structure). I've found fascinating factors, I've gone through so many strange experiences and encounters and this is me trying to piece it all together. Feel free to comment, to share opinions and even contact me if you feel compelled, I'm quite open to people. September 26th, 2018. Cafe Tal - noon. I came here to read on the sociology of tourism, an article I downloaded a couple of days ago, and found some very interesting information which represented a huge relief to me: knowing that this thing named neo-colonialism exists and is acknowledged; I intuited a lot of what the article went on and now I have the vocab and references to back it up, if it ever comes up in conversation. https://www.jstor.org/stable/2083181?newaccount=true&read-now=1&seq=6#metadata_info_tab_contents https://www.ukessays.com/essays/tourism/tourism-is-a-neo-colonialist-activity-tourism-essay.php https://www.ukessays.com/essays/tourism/ Last week I began remembering and polishing my French skills on Duolingo. A friend brought it up and in a moment of procrastination I a gave it a go. I'm liking the App -I use the web page version- more than I thought I would, it's well programmed. I also began learning Japanese, for no good reason, probably a distraction. It's fun nevertheless and I feel at peace putting my mind to work rather than have it wander on its own. Ballet. I haven been to dance class for a while now. My muscles are resting but in the process they are probably losing strength. I also don't feel as energetic as usual. I don't feel like I should go back to my ballet lessons. It's not clear to me where I'm going, where the group is going, what is expected of me... why doesn't anyone talk about what's going on!! it's son unclear, the uncertainty stresses me out so much. There are other factors why I haven't gone back... I love the girls, the teacher.. the environment has become toxic for me though. I can't handle the drama right now. I'm not gaining anything.. people are nice-ish to me, at least they leave me alone, but I'm not treated like a ballerina, like a dancer, like an equal. Anyway, I'm working on flexibility, it's there, I still got it. Flute. I just saw a post of a flute master-class on Friday. I'm going for sure, just gotta think what to bring to the class so I may get a critique on it. I love my flute. I cried while playing the other day.. my memory goes so far back of when I began, and I'm finally starting to feel satisfied with my progress. Car problems. I finally took the car to the shop. I'd been having problems with it for the last month or two but well... ignored them, I didn't think they were _that_ serious..... but alas, they are, something got into the motor and the repair.... it may just be more expensive than I can afford right now. Self-actualization. I'm waking up early, around 5:30am. I'm learning how to relax my body. I'm not getting up until later though, sometimes I fall back to sleep. I'm getting up at around 7am, which is good for now, but not the objective. I don't get hungry until a couple of hours have passed after I get up. I like taking tea, walking, stretching and getting some sunlight in the early morning. Then I go about my daily activities. I'm also going to bed no later than 11, though sometimes I'll fall asleep at around midnight. I'm not where I would like to yet as far as sleep-wake discipline but I must remind myself that this is a huge progress in comparison to my former out-of-whack sleep-wake cycle. That is all for now. Forum topics I though of for future use: mocking to the death, a true story of cultural difference. society's catch 22's. distinguishing advanced creatures from retarded ones, impossible?. the trauma of cultural set-back. the trauma of societal set-back.

To me, this sounds like a perspective of the self. I would say this usage of free will is an illusion. It's very simple to recognize this, yet difficult since the ego will resist at any cost. There is nothing more dear to the ego than free will. If a person has reached the "observer-object" stage of meditation, it's fairly obvious that ego-based free will is an illusion. After reaching the "observer + object" space during meditation, observe thoughts. Focus on where they arise from. It's totally obvious that the self is not the author of one's thoughts. This awakening is devastating to the self, since it is obsessed with maintaining the illusion that it is in control of the narrative and is making choices. The next stage is to look for the "chooser". Exactly who/what is the "chooser"? If my self is not the author of my thoughts, how can it be a chooser? I spent about 3 months of meditation searching for a "chooser" and couldn't find one. The only thing I found was a subjective experience that there was a self making choices. For me, this was one of the most important awakenings I've had. It opened the door to a whole new world of spirituality. Living under the delusion of ego-based free will is a *major* block. It is a brick door preventing spiritual advancement. As well, so much suffering is caused by this ego-based delusion that it is a "chooser". Individuals and societies put so much emphasis and pressure about making the "right choices" - it causes so much stress, anxiety, regret and remorse. A person under the delusion that they are a self making choices will believe that they need to make choices which will lead to happiness in the future. As well, they will believe that they could have made different (better) choices in the past. Furthermore, this delusion will not be limited to the personal self - it is extended to others. The personality will believe that other people have a self that is making choices. IME, the biggest trap to self-actualization is the attachment and identification with self-based free will / choice. The VAST majority of people never escape this trap. For me, it was extremely painful for me to release myself from this trap. It was the only time in my life I considered suicide. Yet, it was also the most liberating process of my life.

Dude, there's no paradise. If someone kills himself he's going to disappear forever. And lose all life opportunites. There's no paradise and no female virgins awaiting you in the afterlife. I'm the same age as you and I was very hopeless and demotivated a few years ago. You can do it. Reconnect with nature, find bliss in just taking a break in the park with a bicycle, or walking. Feel the connection with pets, if you have one; bond with friends. You are just reinforcing the negative beliefs and this pattern is making your ego TRICK you into believing that suicide is good. It's not good, dude. It's just your ego subjugating you, and enslaving you with pessimism. This will help a lot. WATCH IT.

if you are a christian you know what your name means don‘t you - find that in yourself! stop being a wrong christ on the cross. jesus didn’t pin himself there. got it? suicide is not the only true choice we ever got - we can also choose to stop abusing ourselfs by choosing life! there is mutch more between life and death than darkness.

Did the first hour with Do-Nothing, the second hour with mantra repetition, and planned to just wing it after that . At about the 1:45 mark, I was a complete blank screen. No thoughts, no sense of presence, no identity. I was like a lump of coal that could sit there forever and ever. After a couple minutes of that, I felt a strange feeling of sadness and hopeless desperation creeping in like a fog, but it was from a memory that was taking shape, rather than my own mood/feelings at the time. The memory that took shape so vividly was a day when I must have been 18 or 19. I hadn't thought of this day in 25 years, yet recalled everything. I'd come home from work to eat my lunch, and I only had a short time before I had to go back to the store. It was, I think, the lowest time in my life. I was abjectly lost. Severe depression was a theme of my life in those late teen years. I was dangerously close to latching onto and following the call of suicide that came to me, and that day at lunch was the closest I'd come to simply giving in and doing it. My mother, my sweet mother, she knew I was down and wanted so badly to make her baby OK. She had no idea, though, the thoughts that I was entertaining. She made me a toasted cheese sandwich with tomato soup, and as I told her how good it tasted, I thought that this could be my last meal. I had a pheasant gun at the time, and knew that ending my suffering was a trigger pull away. I thought how all my co-workers would wonder why I hadn't come back from lunch. I stared at my soup and thought all this as I chewed. Sitting in meditation, never stopping my mantra, I relived this entire memory, but from a detached position. It was like I experienced the whole thing again, but from an observer's POV. I sat and cried. Silent tears running down my face and neck and chest in the darkness. The tears were an observer's sympathy and compassion for that poor boy. He was so inconsolable, so tragically lost. My whole body shook for probably 5 minutes. I calmed down and went on to finish the sit, but felt like I moved past some aspect of my ego and shadow that was hanging out in my subconscious. I feel lighter. Thanks for reading, and I hope you're having a good Monday.

Suicide is easy. Did you do everything, literally everything possible to raise your happiness levels? If your answer is that no, because it's hard, then do the hard thing. Become the hardest of all. You will not be taken down easy.

Thinking about suicide and having thoughts of it are one thing, lots of people go through this, but aren't serious about doing it, which is a good thing. You don't sound serious about doing it, another good thing. Perhaps you should ask yourself what are the things you do like about being a live, and do more of those and dont worry about what it means to have some suicidal thoughts occasionally. If you are seriously considering and feel a lot of emotion to do so, then call a hotline or seek some help privately or with family, it can open up things.

@Nahm you're starting to see my point I guess. It has to do with my work here because it shows me the contradictions in what Leo and we are doing. If Leo is consistent with himself, he'll admit that the reason he wants to attain enlightenment is to get more energy ( strengthen his psychology) and connect to infinite intelligence so that he can achieve more in his life ( maybe not materialistic achievement) but some kind of achievement like being able to invent new technology or solve the world's unsolved mathematics problems. It's still a materialistic desire. It's contradictory to enlightenment. Because enlightenment means you simply live from moment to moment with no goal, no desire, no planning. I'm not saying enlightened people are lazy people but if you look at Osho's life in an honest way, you can clearly see the mentality like "go get a job or start a business, support yourself" never entered into his mind". He even said he would never get into business. He simply lived moment to moment his entire life. It's what laziness is according to common logic. But we know he was not a lazy man. He went on teaching and teaching. However, he had no planning at all. Just imagine what his life would be if no one fed him food unconditionally? no one bought his books? He'd just commit suicide because he wouldn't want to get a job. What we can say about that type of person? Again we'd just call him a useless human being. But that's what enlightenment is. About the juice: Do you mean I care about something we have no control over? Maybe, because we're not scientists. Just like the way a maths teacher probably knows the best way is to have his student take a pill that can make him smarter but because that method is not available yet so he needs to rely on a secondary method which is the student will solve more problems. But if the second method is actually useless what is the point of sticking to it? I myself have not found a solution yet.

karma's a ditch. I've been thinking a lot about karma lately. How sometimes, the most loving, helpful thing to do for a person is to leave them to their own devices. Reality will eventually slap them in the face, and it's their free will to go with or against the flow. And some people in this lifetime will continually go against the flow until the day they die. It makes no sense, but neither does Reality in general. The classic curmudgeon comes to mind. You know, the old fart that sits on his rocking chair holding a twelve gauge threatening kids to get off his lawn while the world around him gets bulldozed and un-dozed. The walls around his worldview are becoming brittle, and he will devote the rest of his life to rebuilding the walls in a Sisyphean struggle. I suppose it's noble, because good god, you've got to have some strong principles to go so deeply against the flow. And besides, what's the point in trying to change his mind? He is the legal suicide bomber, so completely entrenched in his ditch of beliefs that he wants to pull other people down, and nobody can pull him out. Karma's a bitch, but she has to be, in order to give the lessons that she needs to give. As Jed McKenna says, Reality can be a playful puppy... but when that puppy doesn't get proper attention, she can piss all over your carpet and rip your sofa to shreds. The reason I'm thinking about karma is because I am positively shocked at my level of acceptance towards the struggles of the people around me. The spiritual ego shut up almost completely. It's not angry at the parents or the clueless store clerks for being so unconscious, and it doesn't crusade for spirituality or personal growth. It's just sitting there in that silent corner of my psyche having a time out with no foreseeable end. I haven't been writing much lately either because there's so little to complain about. Life is miraculous and amazing and painful and uncomfortable and all the shades in between. And it's all good.

You haven't changed my mind. I believe people are being honest with the polls. I believe if people are truly suffering to a large degree they will not hide it, instead they will complain about it because they want to feel sorry for themselves. "And on some random poll they are going to be fully honest and disclose their true sentiments?" This wasn't one random pole. I read about 20 and then picked one that was closest to the averages that I saw. The suicide rate in the United States is definitely increasing. That I agree with.

So everyone is fully conscious of their levels of happiness and fulfillment within their lives? And on some random poll they are going to be fully honest and disclose their true sentiments? People try to hide their feelings and deny them. There is a spectrum of happiness and suffering, the two are not necessarily synonymous. One can be suffering some serious emotional pains but still very content and at ease in the grand scheme of their life. Meanwhile, someone can be super happy about their new car and hot girlfriend but a growing feeling in their core of meaningless and emptiness. Someone earlier explained this, the worst suffering is shutting yourself off from feeling because the pain is too much - this is what is happening largely throughout the world. Our modern society has people moving less and less and spending more time stagnant at work, in their commute, watching television, etc. and their bodies are becoming increasingly rigid and lacking of motility (i.e. energy and ability to feel and express emotions). If you look at the rates of depression, anxiety and suicide rates (and the corresponding BS pharmaceuticals prescribed) around the world it is increasing rapidly. It's like the pain inside gets worse and worse but your body literally does not allow you to experience it by contracting your musculature and inhibiting the flow of energy and emotions.

My goal is not necessarily to live as long as possible, but to be maximally healthy and able-bodied at any age, physically and mentally. I am also very optimistic that much new technology and ancient wisdom can prevent, or reverse diseases of aging. I'm not afraid of death itself, and the first world is becoming more accepting of compassionate suicide as an alternative to a slow and/or painful death. You've probably heard a recent news story of 104 year old man who went to the Netherlands to be euthanised, since he had declined so much he no longer enjoyed living. The best way to die would probably be in your sleep, but even if you have end-of-life care, you will be so high out of your mind on drugs you won't worry about anything.