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Hello Guys and Girls, I don't know how to begin to describe how I feel. Maybe I will start at the recent trigger. So Yesterday, I again tried to have sex with the girl I'm seeing at the moment and again it did not work. I had this situation a couple of times now with a couple of girls. I feel like I will never be able to actually get over this and feel so freaking demasculined, if thats a word. And that brought everything else up to the surface. For three years I have tried to Self Actualize and the only real result I can honestly congratulate myself on is building a bit of muscle. I tried to build a consistent meditation Habit, now i cant even do 5 minutes. I changed my university degree to psychology thinking it would be my passion and I dont attend the classes. I tried again and again to start making music, buying equipment for lots of money and then ending up not using it. I tried to start to not give into instant gratification and still I cant get myself to be productive at all. I tried to eat healthy and I cant even get myself to cook one healthy meal a day. I tried to keep commonplace book and ended up deleting my notes over and over. I tried and tried and tried and ended up with failure after failure. Yesterday I ended up searching for suicide options for two hours and then realizing that I don't actually want to kill myself. Even in that I fail. I dont feel like I can get anywhere near where I want to be. I feel like its all a hopeless struggle against an invisible wall. The more I push, the more it hurts but nothing moves. I need hours to fall asleep and wake up with the feeling of "Fuck This." I dont even know what I intend with this posts, but this is nothing that i want to tell anyone. I dont want their fricking pity. Their pity makes it so much worse. It makes me feel so much more like I'm useless. Every time my mother looks at me with concern and tries to help me I get so freaking angry. I dont want help. I want to be able to manage things myself. I want to able to live a freaking good life. I dont want to always be depending on others. But I feel like thats a goal I can never reach.

1. How do you quit this game? I do not mean this life, but this whole reincarnation on Earth thing? I do not wanna see this planet again. I know reaching enlightenment is a way, but its too slow. I want to renounce the contract that binds me here NOW. 2. What happens when someone commits suicide? Don't worry I am not planning this, I have 2 daughters, but there is contradicting information on this. 3. Some people talk about psychedelics opening portals for demons, is that true?

If this utopian vision doesn't come with a massive psychological and spiritual growth collectively as well, then suicide rate will go more than 80%...maybe even more

@Hellspeed Thank you hellspeed. For reminding me to focus on inner self. To focus on my relation to God. It was probably my ego backlash haha. From doubting and not surrendering/trusting God completely. You hv no idea what I went through last week. And I was a bit too excited upon knowing &discovering(i'm new to this so it's not possible for me to be as cool & as calm as you , I was a bit too excited as everything started to make sense to me, but honestly it wasn't easy, my lowest point so far in life. Not so much on the outside, but I was so curious about God to the point that I wouldn't mind dying(not suicide but the thought that I wouldn't mind it if God were to take away my life soon,in my religion, dying means returning to God. If you do good deeds you can see God after the day of judgement) But now that I think about it, I can't die yet, I have to fix myself first so that I could see God in my purest form, I can't die now i'm still a bit messed up haha silly me. Then I remembered tht it's possible to see glimpses of what it's like in this lifetime. And if I die, I would at least know the reality of this dimension, since dying means transcending the lower dimension. At least I know what soul state was like. Haha silly. It was just my curiosity to see it myself. I've only known about it conceptually.But nevermind, what I learn is, to be grateful for this life & to do my best while i'm still alive. So that I could meet God in my purest state. What i'm really doubting before is actually about free will vs faith. I doubt it so much that I wanna test it myself and learn it the hard way. And I put myself into unnecessary suffering instead of trusting God 100%. I'm doubting whether I should make a judgement based on rationality or God's guidance. I already act on some crazy decisions but I'm still doubting if I made the right decision. In other words, not trusting God. But not anymore. I'm calm now. (In islam, there is a prayer where you can ask God for guidance and God had answered my prayer but it's.....a bit hard for me to follow hence all the doubting) it wasn't easy really. It's really funny when I look back, now that i've seen the wisdom behind it haha. This is so funny. I am currently attending a one week programme. Discussing about God, and guess what? Everything has been answered now. All my curiosity ,questions and doubts haha. @Hellspeed It can be understood conceptually because I had understand it now^^ Everything had made so much sense now...... Sorry for not being respecful before, that was really not mindful of me as I was only looking from my perspective and was a bit too excited when everything started to make sense to me. That was right before the session start. My mind is still very much limited. And I have learnt so much within this two days. Learning wayy beyond what I thought I had known haha. And there is so much more to learn. It was unexpected. I'm curious about other things now... Sorry about assuming that everyone was interested in cross-learning of different perspective. In reality, it was just me trying to know the essence of God...and make sense of everything as a whole. Now that I think about it, of course it would just be a distraction to those who had find real Truth,i'm sorry. Even the prophet, God revealed the revelations gradually. Not the whole book at once and that's it, I wasn't in my right mind before (curiosity kills). It took 23years for the quran to be revealed and learned/implemented in the prophet's life. After that, he died. When it has become complete. But he only changed dimension, no one will ever really die. And now I see the truth in all of this different perspectives as a whole. It has to make sense to me or else i'd be anxious. But really, the real problem is, my lack of basic knowledge about my own religion. But i'm fine now^^. But human tends to forget. There is so much truth in everything. And I genuinely respect all the masters/gurus/auliyaa'/saints and sages who had known the real Truth. I am nowhere near being enlightened. In my religion it's okay not to be Awakened in this dimension as we will return to God after we died. And those who do good deeds can see God without barriers. And it is beyond what we can imagine..... I learn so much within this two days. Everything make so much sense now.......... Everything new (creations)is subject to change. Hell and heaven are God's Creations too. Including other dimensions(both dimensions in this world and the afterlife). All creations are subject to change. Only God is permanent and Absolute. But God created everything as a Mercy.......and Creations won't know completely of the wisdom behind God's plan....... In this whole thing called maya( we call it something new ) , the people from a higher dimension can see those from a lower dimension.....my guru said he had met the prophet in his dream a few times... and others too....I feel so left behind now. And became curious about something else now haha. Sorry i'm a newbie, can't help but to be excited?

but this dying is very abstract. I have taken rat poison in the past in a failed suicide attempt. Hard to die. But don't we die every night anyway in deep sleep? Come to think of it, I am more deep sleep than a person, but now I have a veil in front of me, a dream which says "I am a body and need to survive as a body"

Serious question really. You know there are plenty of people who have plenty of money, but it isn't making them happy. And lots of people who learned to be happy in life, but struggle with having enough money. Looks like an ideal value exchange waiting to happen! Everywhere, online and in real life, I see people being angry, bitter, depressed, even suicidal because of what looks to me as silly little emotional issues that can be overcome with some simple changes of perspective, some bodywork practices and lifestyle changes. Emotional mastery is something I've been developing through enduring and growing through many kinds suffering & discomfort, synthesizing what I've learned from psychology and philosophy, as well as my experiences with yoga and spirituality. I would say this is a gift I would like to share this with the world... What would be some great opportunities to test and refine this skill in real life, interacting with people directly as opposed to just conversing and posting material online? This I can ask about volunteer opportunities, I'm considering volunteering at a depression/suicide crisis center. When ready, I would also need to choose a medium as for how I'm going to provide value by uplifting others. Become a life coach who specialized in happiness coaching?

I didn't really understand this rule. Is it the most difficult decision out of two logical and good choices? Because if you would take this rule litterally you would commit suicide or burn your house down? Can someone explain please?

Hey fellow actualizers, I would like to share with you my story with 5-MeO-DMT. I made a post previously talking about my experience with low dosages. In this post, I will describe the full encounter. Getting the substance I got this substance semi-legally about a month ago. I got it from a legal research chemical distributor. They will sell it to you provided you don't have the intention of using it on yourself or others. DMT is a scheduled 3 substance in Canada, which is not that high priority (Cannabis was scheduled 2 up until recently). Also, 5-MeO is not very known from the DMT family. RoA I've experimented with both snorting and plugging. Initially, I started with snorting, but I discovered that it wasn't the most effective for me. I didn't like the burning in my nose, I was losing substance, my nose became very dry, and I would have some dry blood in my nose afterward. Plugging, on the other hand, was very clean. The substance dissolves in water and you are able to absorb it much easier and faster with rectal administration. It is my opinion that plugging is the way to go (provided you get a small syringe ). Small Dose I've already made a lengthy post about my experiences on a small dose. To summarize it, at first, I felt a slight discomfort with tension in my head, small buzz, a little bit of shivering and nausea. These were minuscule and not very noticeable. Afterward came a very deep meditative state. This was meditation and contemplation on steroids. As if I took my most contemplative moments and multiplied them by 1000. My mind was firing with cognitive activity all over. Thoughts were cycling. Not just thoughts but more like "Aha" moments, like understanding after understanding and so on. Insights were everywhere and all sensation became very potent. I've experienced moments of deep love and connection, omnipresence, insights about awareness and the present moment. After those peeks I came to a state of bliss and peacefulness. Overall it was great, the experiences went by after about 30 min I was back to baseline. I was still present as my Ego throughout the experiences. Insight: Experience is the key. There is a whole world out there far beyond what mind can image and what we can put into words. Thinking/Language/Communication is also a type of experience, but only one out of an infinite sea of experiences and perceptions - don't give it too much weight. Medium Dose This trip was very very very different - 540 degrees different. I still can't fathom how you can get such a different experience from the same substance. This time it was very physical and can be summarized as hell, torture and slow death. All those discomforts that normally come up before the peak. Well, they got amplified to an unbearable degree. I felt an extreme amount of body discomfort. I wanted to escape to run away, to surrender. It wasn't a pain in a sense of somebody is cutting you with a knife. It wasn't fear either, as you can imagine standing on the edge of a building. It was this nasty nasty feeling of internal discomfort. Like when you're super anxious about something. Maybe loosely like when you wear an uncomfortable t-shirt, or its too hot, or something bothers and you want to jump out of your skin. You feel frustrated/angry/anxious at the same moment. It was a type of Ego-discomfort taken to the extreme of what's possible. I felt nauseous and wanted to puke very badly. My body was shaking like crazy. Not shaking from cold, but shaking from like a wound in a stomach. I felt like dying, like I couldn't take it anymore. I was trying to surrender to it, but I couldn't. I was trying to meta surrender - surrender to the fact that I couldn't surrender, but that didn't work either. I was fucked. Honestly, if you think you're a tough guy? I dare you to go through this. Some of the thoughts going through my head: "Why would you do this to yourself?" "Did I just overdosed and killed myself?" "I want this to pass!" "It's just a feeling, its just a feeling" That was pretty much the whole experience. It lasted for about 30 min but man, it felt like an eternity! I was still present as my Ego throughout the experience though. Insight: This is what dying is like. Ego is everything about you. It's a very physical thing! emotions and thoughts are interlinked. Subconscious thoughts give rise to emotions which give rise to surface thoughts and provoke actions. I heard before that Ego is just a thought, but dammit it goes so deep. It controls everything about our body. It is our whole existence. It is very subtle until your survival is threatened. I have huge respect for people who took 5-MeO-DMT Heavy Dose Preface Well needless to say that my previous trip freaked the shit out of me. I knew I came close, but not close enough to fall into the abyss. So I was musting up the courage. I knew that to go all the way I needed to die. My mind was coming up with excuses of not doing it. Suddenly things I was forcing myself to do became not so difficult just to avoid this experience (nice try mind). From the previous trip, I knew that dying feels very real at that moment. There is no difference between that and "actual" death. It's funny but to actually make passing over easier, I wrote a final letter/suicide note to my loved ones. I typed it up, printed it and left it on my desk before the trip. This might sound too extreme, and I didn't think I was actually going to die. I thought I will come out of it, and the whole thing will look silly. But then again, at the back of my mind, I thought that you never know. Plus I would want somebody to leave me a comforting letter before they go. I got ready, did an hour of meditation, which put me in a very relaxing state. Experience This substance keeps surprising me. It was very unexpected. I can't put it into words. It's just too much. The transition from regular consciousness was super clean. When the discomfort started to show up. I just laid on the bed, closed my eye and it passed away (or my sense of self passed away). I think the preparation and my state of surrender really helped. Either way, what happened cannot be even close to thoughts or words. It was deeper than time, space, ideas or my own self. I was the raw reality itself, it was impossible. It was there, but nobody was looking at it. Perceptions were there but nobody was there to perceive it. It's a f*cking paradox. You would think perceptions need a perceiver. My body was extremely loose. It collapsed and I was far far far gone. The body was doing things by itself. I didn't even know if I was breathing. Some sensations were there, but it was sort of neutral. I can't even say neutral because that's putting it inside criteria. Really language is incapable of describing this. Words are kind of like post signs to experience. But it wasn't even an experience, because there was nobody to experience it. It was incredible. But even to say that is giving it a judgment. It wasn't good or bad. It transcended all limits and criteria because there was nobody there to give any human judgment. Kind of like Earth was prior to humans. My body could die or live it didn't matter. It was waaaaaayyy beyond my existence. The mind would occasionally talk, but it appeared sort of in the background like an echo. All It could say was - thing, no thing. It went on like this "existence, no existence" "love, no love" "life, no life" "enlightenment, no enlightenment" and so on about everything. There was no difference between anything. I was not present as my Ego throughout the experiences. I lied on my bed for 2 hours after this experience in a state of no-self. I could say that it was bliss. But even that is not true, because bliss implies an opposite to be true as a reference. There was no reference in this experience. Then there was a feeling in my belly. I could label it as me getting hungry, but there was no reason to act on it. No reason to act on anything for that matter. Eventually, the intensity was slowly coming down and I convinced myself to get up. Insight: What I was describing is only what the mind can come up with. What actually happened transcended all of that. What happened is what is left when everything goes out the window. Every identification crumbled. There is only this something - It is nothing, everything, energy, dark matter, empty space, Tao, awareness, God, aliens, simulation whatever you say about it. It is so much bigger than you, you are not even on its radar. There is no free will, nor somebody to not have free will. As an Ego, I am a puppet empty inside. When I die ... I will go back to the source.

@Butters Yes and I think it's because I feel they don't have a say, they don't have a voice, they are completely at the mercy of man so therefore very vulnerable. Although I do feel the same empathy when a baby is harmed or somebody that commits suicide, so I'm guessing it's the vulnerability aspect of it that leads to these emotions (for me personally). That being said, the suffering I inflict on myself is not healthy and needs to be transcended.

For some strange reason, I can't add this post to the original post. The edit button is missing. This is response #5. There are many articles I read since yesterday. I'm posting the notes. The commentary is mostly found inside of the notes. There is a lot of research on the subject. The most defining authority would have been the European Union mandating a maximum of 48 hours a week. What other authority can you get? I've tried looking into the World Health Organization, a branch within the United Nations, for data on this; however, there isn't. Regarding my question on working 56 hours a week, the answer would have to be no. The limit would be 48. That's 9 hours and 36 minutes Monday to Friday or working 8 hours a day Monday to Saturday. Again with authority, this is a level below international organizations. An army of research scientists has stated that working beyond 55+ hours a week is very bad. The sample size is 600,000+ individuals. This is the closest approximation of truth outside of the physical sciences. This Fortune article is fascinating. It's a long read; however, it's very worth it. Some 30-year-olds have the same physical problems as individuals who are 50+ inside of Silicon Valley. It's disheartening that the vast majority of individuals are suffering from preventable heart problems. Many of these are choosing to do this to themselves. For Rosenstein, who co-created many things such as Google Drive and the Facebook like button, he works only 50 hours a week. His net worth is $150 million. It's yet another example that you can accomplish great professional success without selling your soul to the devil. Additionally, an incredibly useful article from Forbes gives an account to his daily routine. https://www.forbes.com/sites/oliversmith/2018/04/26/how-to-boss-it-like-justin-rosenstein-cofounder-of-asana/#9fccff4457b9 Some interesting activities he does: He sleeps 10 PM to 7 AM. An incredible 9 hours. Jeff Bezos himself sleeps 8 hours a day. He meditates, does yoga, runs, journals His phone is set on airplane mode and grayscale, so he's not distracted by it. Five glasses of water and ~10 supplements. I don't know what his supplements are. I [try to] keep the first few hours of my day meeting-free (and my whole day meeting-free on Wednesdays) to 1) set my work intentions for the day and order my to-do list and 2) get some “deep work” done, work that requires getting into the flow. "Methods-wise: I try to operate according to a work-rest fractal: taking a short meditation break every hour, a longer break (a walk outside) in the middle of the day, a day of rest between sprints, and longer breaks between months of hard work." Uninstalled some apps from his phone (social media, news, email) because they were taking too much of his attention At home, he lives in an intentional community called Agape (the Greek word for unconditional love in action) with 14 friends He recommends reading 15 Commitments of Consciousness. Every member within his company is encouraged to read it. https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/23275060-15-commitments-of-conscious-leadership Recommends The Untethered Soul as a great secular introduction to many of the insights that are underly spiritual/wisdom traditions. https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/1963638.The_Untethered_Soul The first paragraph is interesting because careers such as investment banking are notorious for incredibly long 80+ hour workloads; however, individuals still report happiness. The link to Sam Altman's blog is also interesting. He's the president of Y Combinator, arguably the world's greatest company accelerator, and he gives his insight into the dark side of Silicon Valley. For Startups Annonymous, it's interesting to show the dark side of the Valley. I was recently on there, and the founder is correct. Many of the anonymous posts talk about backstabbing, depression, cheating on significant others, and a wide variety of other dark stories. There are many stories on suicide within the Valley. The truth is that showing weakness is considered a massive problem. The reality is that you can only bottle up so much stress and emotional weight before it all explodes violently. When you look at Elon Musk and other icons within the tech industry, there is an uncountable number of people who failed. Even for the individuals who have everything right, they may not make it. The individuals on the top showcase a sense of survivorship bias. Why would you sacrifice everything for a chance that is smaller than 1%? There's a 23.5 minute-video from CNN. I highly recommend watching it. After watching it, my insight on success leading to happiness deepened. It's also interesting how the individual described in the video was so great at masking his delibating bipolar disorder while working at eBay. An overwhelming majority of founders in Silicon Valley has had struggled with severe anxiety and clinical depression. Success does not correlate to happiness. Things to Consider: I am glad to know it's possible to achieve professional success by working less than 50 hours a week. If you can manage your time well, delegate, and optimize your physical and mental health, you can do it. I am also glad to know my question of working 56 hours a week has been scientifically disproven. The European Union has disproved it. Technically, one can work for an additional eight more hours. The EU mandates overwork at a maximum of 48 hours a week. Since 56 hours of work is terrible, 48 hours can do. Now, if one were to work for 48 hours a week, as an aspiring academic and entrepreneur, what is considered work? Assuming you are a computer science student and you run a YouTube channel about computer science, is the blog time considered working? Instead of video games, you learn a language. That's cognitively demanding. Is that working? If you have a channel with unrelated content such as comedy, is that considered working? If you watch videos, read articles and books about computer science, is that considered working? When you socialize with your Computer Science club, is that considered working? When you shower and you think about computer science, is that working? haha It's difficult to determine the boundaries of what considers work and the other fun. Could it be that you do DELIBERATE PRACTICE for 40 hours and the remaining 8 hours you work on your blog and watch computer science? If that is so, what about engaging in other cognitively demanding activities such as learning a new language? At least, I'm satisfied that my two main questions have been answered beyond a reasonable doubt.

I'll paraphrase Ramana Maharshi and say that the real suicide is not knowing who you really are.

@winterknightwhat is suicide

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/11/30/opinion/sunday/suicide-ketamine-depression.html?action=click&module=Opinion&pgtype=Homepage Very interesting! The general population seems to be slowly getting more and more open towards therapeutic usage of psychedelics substances. I think western culture is hoping on the right tracks. I'd love to see where we'll be in another 20 years.

@thehero Wow thehero, thanks so much for sharing this. We are all here for you ❤️ Awareness of this is your first step so well done! That's progress in itself. I empathize with you completely. Now I'm no therapist or psychologist please understand that but I will give you advise based on my own experiences with this but somebody like @Solace or @Nahm will be hopefully able to give you a deeper understanding. This ultimately comes down to unconditional love and acceptance. For yourself. I don't mean that vainly. I don't agree that suffering will be of any help whatsoever in this department. You need to get to the root of the issue especially as you mentioned suicide. Could you possibly look into therapy? Preferably a therapist that specialises in the humanistic approach. Is that an avenue you could explore?

I saw a documentary about placebo effects. A guy ate his placebo pills to commit suicide. He was sent to the hospital where he almost died, the doctors had no idea why because there was nothing wrong with him physically...but he was dying. In the end he didn´t die fortunately but it´s crazy what power your mind can have over your body.

@Anna1Ouch! way to shut down this alternative medicine method with one quick search! I don't want to call out "Confirmation bias!" but you have not looked at it in detail (potential benefits, as even medications have their risks/side effects) However, I hope not to offend you as i respect your belief/opinion and personal experience. The reason i wanted your take is because of your specific background. (I have no idea what it would be like to have MS for 27 yrs, and i feel very blessed in my lack of health related issues thus far) Wim Hof created this method after losing his wife to suicide, being left with like 3 kids and finding a way to deal with his depression. What i found astounding, other than the many world records Wim Hof broke, is how he was able to prove how to consciously control the autonomic nervous systems. A college took him and some people he trained for a few weeks with the wim hof method into a lab to be injected with a bacterium supposed to produce harsh cold-like symptoms and were able to feel nothing (show no symptoms). I practiced this method a few years ago and it was challenging but beneficial. I no longer make a habit out of it but i recommend for someone not in good physical/psychological health (do your research if interested, many detailed youtube videos on proper technique and necessary precautions ) I would have disagree here Anna. All are mental health disorders. I am not so knowledgeable on the diagnosing of these disorders, but mood and thought disorders sound like "depression" and sure there may be a good chance it carries on through genes/dna (predisposed) to certain risks but this doesn't mean the main cause didn't come from environment/nurture/culture @EvilAngelAwesome hope you do check Wim Hof out! Some great documentaries on youtube. It reminds me of shamanic breathing in a sense and when i practiced it, it felt like it gave the brain (not just in the head) a good "reset" Wish you the best!

I've been diagnosed with Bipolar 1 and I'm on medication for it. My 2 severe manic episodes were both heavily centered around spirituality. Both times it felt like I was tripping, though I've never taken psychedelics before. It was scary at times, but I also experienced the greatest highs of my life. I truly felt like I had known God and seen the devil in myself. If you truly have this insight into the nature of yourself, it's the most absolutely terrifying and beautiful thing you will ever experience. However, I wouldn't wish this condition upon anyone. It's not exactly like a trip in that you're never sure if it will end or if you will lose your mind permanently and feel as though you're living in a different dimension than others. I also truly believed that I was going to physically die from it. If not by suicide then by sleep deprivation.

I choose to not live in denial. It's extremely important that if you have been properly diagnosed by a psychiatrist with Bipolar that you're medication compliant. It's irresponsible to tell ppl otherwise. Unless you would like them becoming manic or suicidally depressed on your shoulders? I'm a suicide surviver -year 2009. So, don't lecture me.

This article is completely biased and you will not find any relevant testimonies to uphold that claim It was made by an egoistical reporter that loved taking down spirituality, the easy way, claiming that the guru is some cult leader Vague claims and accusations , some scary halloween pictures of bentinho One fact, a student of his commited suicide,..,how many students do modern gurus have.? Hundreds, a suicide is a tragedy but people commit suicide from all walks of life, its absolutely ridiculous to demonize a guru for the suicide of one of his students He fled america? He left for personal bizz and he came back after that, like wtf so sensationalist You know this article is bullshit, if you read it, you can not tell one single concrete point after it that makes you go "oh this bentinho guy is horrible", you can recall one clear vivid point that upholds the claim, Its just brewing a vague and accusing vibe, histy misty scaredy tones, its bogus, absolute bogus If one single reporter, one single article is all it takes for you to discredit a spiritual guru maybe you're not as spiritual as you think you are, the ego and the media go hand in hand for destroying spirituality credibility, if thats all it takes be ready to wash down all your spiritual beliefs down the toilet real fast And make no mistake, ego dominated industries like the media are out to discredit spiritual practices

@Anna What are the panic attacks like in intensity and duration? I've had panic attacks in conjunction with suicidal ideation in the past. Whenever I have had a panic attack I just keep hyperventilating non-stop for 20-30 mins. What you should do about it really depends on where you intuitively feel the panic attacks to be coming from. My advice to you is to just examine where/why the panic attacks are arising and then decide from there. My panic attacks were coming from a deep pit of neurosis which almost made me dead serious about committing suicide. Obviously that doesn't sound like the case for you but just check that you are really convinced that your panic attacks are coming from a place of purification rather than a place of deep despair. Because people can experience deep shit when their neurosis resurfaces and is being cleared up from mindfulness. Just make sure you've investigated your psychiatric health. For your panic attacks, are there any triggers? Any particular topics or ideas which send your mind into a crazy spiral? Are there any triggers for the uncontrollable surge of emotions you feel? Do the panic attacks arise completely randomly? In reference to my first paragraph the duration, intensity and causes of your panic attacks completely define the context and significance of your panic attacks and hence they completely define what you should do about them.

@winterknight Wonderful work!! I did only read very little of this thread... I hope not this thread magically disappears from this forum before I can read it all. I realize that this journey is very long and im just at the beginning... What is the best expectation that prepares me for this journey? My preliminary answer: I should expect "hell of hell, no mercy, worst case scenario, slow suicide, etc", essentially expecting the toughest journey, only being able to push through with my current will and curiosity for truth. This expectation makes it easier for me to evaluate what I really want (Why suffer through hell?)... is it a valid expectation? Will alignment with this expectation (Me being in the second ox picture) prevent me from quitting in the toughest of times?

What do you think of the 'new age' phenomenon. The video I linked earlier is a 'new ager' so to speak. It's got its own dogma and religious qualities that are to be taken on faith or belief. The ACIM crowd sometimes crosses over into some of these concepts. The entire new age doctrine revolves around ascended masters who are actually aliens of the 11th dimension, or Arcturians, and there is a conspiracy about Atlantis, Ley Lines, the pyramids, and it all culminates in being the missing pieces in a huge conspiracy over the unsolved mysteries over the ancient world. Teal Swan has a huge following, she has had several followers commit suicide, she has promoted suicidal ideation as a 'reset button', claims she can hear tectonic plates moving, I could keep going. That being said, she has some decent practical psychotherapeutic advice, but definitely is not a mentally stable person. She has an 'ashram' in Costa Rica, her followers are tattooed with her symbol. She bashes basically every guru in existence, which is fine, but highly hypocritical in that she breaks the same rules she pushes for, like sleeping with your followers. Matt Kahn makes a similar show, where he makes predictions that don't come true, then makes an unverifiable excuse of how it actuality DID come true. The new age community at large cannot agree on a single narrative, though I'm sure something is in the works or already exists. They all have different interpretations, different alien races, but they all claim to 'intuit' it or get a 'download' from source. Wtf is happening here? All of these new agers seem to hand out good practical advice at times, then just go off into totally unverifiable and fantastic information...why not stop at the practical advice? Not to mention the amount of money they charge, hundreds of dollars for 'starseed' activation and other craziness. When I question these things, I'm bombarded by a weaponized version of spiral dynamics, pigeon holed into a place of 'you've not reached that stage of consciousness' to understand. There is a corruption, so to speak, in many spiritual circles and communities, it seems an inherent part of every human system, corruption exists or someone intentionally benefits from the misfortune of others, even on a path to God so to speak.

@brugluiz Spirituality is about facing your death, but it's often used as an excuse to justify the fear of living life. @vela3 Not everyone lives in the USA though. If I ever consider suicide imminent due to lack of money or impending homelessness, I'll give them a call and see if they can get me a place to live and provisions. Not doing that just yet since whatever accomodations I get would likely be worse than this corner of my parents' living room, but it is nice to know that my country is so against suicide that you can ask for help and they will help you. Even if that results in a 72 hour psychiatric hold, that actually helps your disability benefits claims, so I heard. @Baotrader Noticed you're from Vietnam, have you though about running away and living in the jungle? https://www.ibtimes.co.uk/vietnam-jungle-men-incredible-story-ho-van-lang-boy-who-lived-wild-41-years-1569459

National suicide hotline 800 273 8255 24/7 free and confidential support for people in distress, crisis, and prevention resources for you and your loved ones. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a national network of local crisis centers that provides free and confidential emotional support to people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. We're committed to improving crisis services and advancing suicide prevention by empowering individuals, advancing professional best practices, and building awareness.

National suicide hotline 800 273 8255 24/7 free and confidential support for people in distress, crisis, and prevention resources for you and your loved ones. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a national network of local crisis centers that provides free and confidential emotional support to people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. We're committed to improving crisis services and advancing suicide prevention by empowering individuals, advancing professional best practices, and building awareness. suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.