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I will probably get banned or receive more warning points for this and if so, that will be a perfect example of spiritual hypocrisy. For a few years now I have followed Leo's teachings. Since his channel took a dark turn into solipsism and utter madness, I've watched people go batshit crazy and descend into some of the worst cases of depression imaginable. @Paul92 actually tried to kill himself and there are almost certainly other cases. I hope you're still with us, Paul. I'm sure that as I write this there are many more poor sods out there thinking that their loved ones don't exist and they're all alone. If you're one of those people, please hang in there because I'm here for you and have experienced the sheer terror of what you are going through. I have to praise Leo for his "extraordinary human mind" as he puts it himself. Had Leo stuck with engineering, his contributions to the field would have been utterly groundbreaking to say the least. Alternatively, If he had kept Actualized.org as a personal development as opposed to the personal destruction platform which it has now become, he could have hugely enriched the lives of billions of people given the time. Well tragically, he will not be the driving force behind any of those great things. More and more people are beginning to see through his sickening brainwashing and mind games. Zzenn from Unspirituality, a few other people and myself will work to expose leo, reducing the amount of lives he ruins. When Leo gets exposed properly, he will be forced into the shadows where he now belongs. Leo's brainwashing would probably not work and the things he says would be instantly dismissed as psychopathic ramblings if it weren't for the very strong following and foundation of credibility he has built for himself over the years while he was creating genuinely helpful content. He was, in my opinion, unmatched. He was the go to source for getting your shit together. His brainwashing and gaslighting techniques are subtle, intelligently crafted and extremely effective. Every person has this feeling within them at times that there's maybe more to life or that it contains some deeper mystery. Leo skilfully exploits that aspect of you by making statements like: "Deep down you know this." or "You're too afraid to accept it" And I'm detecting an undertone of desperation here: "It's the absolute truth." With that statement, he is now on the level of a bible bashing Christian from Texas. He presents in a very arrogant, yet charming and authoritative manner which makes what is being taught all the more convincing to both your conscious and subconscious. He drums his toxic ideologies in deeper by using his killer phrase "You can verify this in your direct experience" This is after he has told you over the course of two plus hours what HE wants you to verify during your psychedelic trip! HE is the one who takes the DMT and in his trip concludes that I, am god! The utter absurdity of it is immensely hilarious yet tragic. I saved his most powerful and dangerous phrase for last: "Don't believe me" You will believe him though and he knows it. It's exactly what he wants. The statement is used to make Leo come across as totally genuine. My ultimate test of Leo's teachings Test 1 Leo. I am alone. I created and am imagining you. You have no experience of reality of your own because, you are just an illusion I'm imagining. In that case you will not mind at all sending me say £500 every month? As you don't exist and are a man who promotes infinite love and selflessness, you can not possibly have any issues with this relatively small request whatsoever. After all, you are now fleecing the gullible via Patreon to the tune of $4,225 per month on top of what you were earning previously. (The cash will be used to develop affordable battery management systems and inverter technology for electric vehicle projects). Test 2 I am god, there is no other than myself. Delete all your videos containing this teaching and tell the world that Shaun is god. If your teachings are really true, you will have no issues with that one either. Of course, you can't do that. You can not possibly say that Shaun is god as you know that will not work. You know you're presenting to millions of people therefore you use "you" so that you can delude every individual person into your sick doctrine of solipsism. I can see straight through you, Leo. You fooled me in the past, almost to the point of suicide. You will fool me no longer. Be proud to be human. Be proud to Exist. There's much beauty to be found in that.

You're better off getting dating advice from a woman. I went through a lot of these things in my many relationships. I was even called a murderer and that I might murder my partner in the future was my ex's hypothesis. So at that point I decided to leave because I had enough of his hypothetical future victim status. Now think about that. He had already dreamed up a future victim scenario for me. He even to the point of saying that if I married him, he would commit suicide the very next day and the whole world would find out how terrible I am, at which point I said that he could be free of being a victim of my cruelty if he chose to by dumping me. I asked his permission to break the relationship for the sake of his so called future safety. In which case he had no argument and he fell silent.. This was my second ex. Then he went to say that I might kill his parents out of hate. All of this over a very petty argument that I started because I fell asleep and forgot to reply to his texts. I finally had enough of his victim status under my perceived reign of terror and dumped him for good. The gaslighting felt like torture. If I didn't do what he said, I wasn't loving him the right way. If I did what he said, I was only doing it for some gain or perceived reason or out of fakery to please him. I just could not win. Any which way, I was bad and he was the good guy. The worst part of this perceived victim mentality is when they not only declare that they have suffered so much and how they have been wronged but also how great and honorable they are to put with this victim status because they are saintly, they are sacrificing their life and that they have to put with terrible partners out of love. Like when he would say that he "nobody will put with you, only me, poor me, I'm putting up with you because I love you and I am a great soul, look what I have to put up with" It's an endless cycle of frustration and torture and gaslighting and you get drained and miserable for being the cause of their victimhood. The other thing I noticed is the unwillingness to change the situation since the victimhood needs to be continued. So if I told him that maybe I can resolve the conflict if we sat together then he suddenly disappeared not wanting to resolve the situation, because how else can he continue blaming me in the future. So no resolution.

I went through a lot of these things in my many relationships. I was even called a murderer and that I might murder my partner in the future was my ex's hypothesis. So at that point I decided to leave because I had enough of his hypothetical future victim status. Now think about that. He had already dreamed up a future victim scenario for me. He even to the point of saying that if I married him, he would commit suicide the very next day and the whole world would find out how terrible I am, at which point I said that he could be free of being a victim of my cruelty if he chose to by dumping me. I asked his permission to break the relationship for the sake of his so called future safety. In which case he had no argument and he fell silent.. This was my second ex. Then he went to say that I might kill his parents out of hate. All of this over a very petty argument that he started because I fell asleep and forgot to reply to his texts. I finally had enough of his victim status under my perceived reign of terror and dumped him for good. The gaslighting felt like torture. If I didn't do what he said, I wasn't loving him the right way. If I did what he said, I was only doing it for some gain or perceived reason or out of fakery to please him. I just could not win. Any which way, I was bad and he was the good guy. The worst part of this perceived victim mentality is when they not only declare that they have suffered so much and how they have been wronged but also how great and honorable they are to put with this victim status because they are saintly, they are sacrificing their life and that they have to put with terrible partners out of love. Like when he would say that he "nobody will put with you, only me, poor me, I'm putting up with you because I love you and I am a great soul, look what I have to put up with" It's an endless cycle of frustration and torture and gaslighting and you get drained and miserable for being the cause of their victimhood. The other thing I noticed is the unwillingness to change the situation since the victimhood needs to be continued. So if I told him that maybe I can resolve the conflict if we sat together then he suddenly disappeared not wanting to resolve the situation, because how else can he continue blaming me in the future. So no resolution.

I want to hear some opinions on this matter. Over the last 2 years Overall my view on feminism has changed from being quite opposed to the movement to overall support it. However I still find myself some times feeling "injustice" or "threatened" to certain stuff. I want to know if this could still be part of my bias but I sometimes I just think some things are really not fair. I´ll give an example. I just saw an ad asking me to firm a digital petition to the government of my country. (similar to Change.org). There were a lot of "bullet-points" about feminism that the ad was advertising to firm and let know to the government. But there was one that got my interest. That one was simply "end the violence towards women" Why as a man I should feel fair that i am regularly asked to sign petitions like "end the violence towards women" which in other words is just "put effort and resources/money to investigate why and how women are more victims in x situations and how we can remedy that" (which of course i dont think its a bad thing!) but i never get asked to sign "end the violence towards men". I really don´t get it how that is fair. For example as a man I have more probabililty of being murdered or receive any kind of violence (except rape), surely a lot of money and investigation could look into why this happens and how reduce this statistics too. There´s also other scenarios where man are specially the victims apart from the usual violence : homelessness, jails, Labor Risks, Suicide. Why is fair there is almost no money and interest research in how to reduce this statistics and what man can be getting unfair to end in jails or get suicided more than women? From mainstream media In this case is indeed fair to attribute it to genetics and biology. To women problem is always because society. Of course with that dialectis is rational to try to fix everything unfair about women position in society, and ridiculous to fix it with men. And please don´t reply the Leo stuff "you are the one who is biased because blabla your survival because it turns out your a male". Yes but the same goes for women they also looking for their survival. Everybody is looking for their comfortabilty and survival. From that perspective women are also wrong for trying to fight for better salaries or positions because they are just looking "for their survival". That argument in this case i can´t see how it would make sense.

Firstly, I don't make a big deal about it. I'm just pointing out hidden consequences which you may not have considered to this action. Consciousness is more complex than just mind/body. There seem to be structures which persist between lifetimes. Suicide could affect those structures. In the ultimate sense, everything leads back to total oneness, so there is no problem. But it seems to take consciousness many incarnations to get there. I'm not saying suicide will damn you forever to hell. I'm saying it could be temporary set-back, slowing the overall process. There is nothing wrong with slowing the process, per se. It's all relative. By definition everything that happens is "God's plan". But not in the simplistic sense of everything being predetermined. God's plan is a meta plan which includes your human plans. You have the freedom to make your human plans. No choice is right or wrong. Any choice you make is fine from God's POV. God has no desire to manipulate you and no particular desired outcome. It's imaginary in the same way a brick wall is imaginary. The notion of "imaginary" is much more robust than most people think. It encompasses all of "physical reality". So just saying that something is imaginary doesn't automatically set you free of it. Nope. Humans clearly affect nature with our actions. Even if you decide to take no action, that will have an affect on nature. It is impossible to not take action. Even inaction is a kind of action.

I do not want this thread to become a thread about how to commit suicide. I think it has run it's course.

@Leo Gura Is it true to say that if many have committed suicide, it was indeed god's plan? How can anything go against god's will? If he gave us free choice, why should any choice be wrong? If death is imaginary, is suicide also imaginary? Isn't it arrogant to assume that that we can affect the way of nature with our actions?

This does not accurately describe why most people commit suicide.

Leo, however people suicide not always because they hate themselves and cannot finish a human life. People also commit suicide because they feel a lot of pain in very long periods of time and the future just holds more of the pain and even bigger. What then has this person to look forward to? Like for example if someone has some degenerative disease which turns his/her body into a 24/7 torture chamber and there is no cure so they can only look forward to more of the pain and worse. What can I say to them to their face if they ask me "But there is no death, I'll be just reborn so why can't I put to stop to this, living in constant pain is also not good for the well being of my mind/psyche" What do I say to them? That they just "just live with it?" Of course, I have the luxury of saying it while my body is not in the same mess as theirs. But if I put myself into their shoes, wouldn't it make sense for them to euthanize their current body?

Karma is much more than fear mongering. This topic is too complex and advanced to discuss on a forum. You'd need decades of advanced spiritual practice to begin to understand such things and I'm nowhere near understanding all that. If you violently disrupt consciousness (via suicide), it's not unreasonable to expect a ripple effect which cascades from such an event, disrupting the evolution of consciousness. Don't think of it as a punishment, think of it as a natural consequence of self-rejection and self-hatred. How can consciousness continue its evolution if it hates itself so much it cannot even finish out one human life?

Don't assume things can't get better. No matter how fucked you are, there is ALWAYS a pathway forward. Trust me, I've been to hell. Maybe there is a reason you are going through shit, maybe you have accumilated a lot of dead wood that needs to be burned off. Cleansing fire is rarely a nice thing, but it is in many ways necessary. Sometimes, however, we have accumilated so much dead wood, that that fire just completely shuts us down for a time. You feel completely hopeless and you just want it to end. And if you give into that impulse, you might commit suicide. What do you have to loose giving it one more try? and then one more? Maybe in one year your life would take a 180 and you would live the rest of it in heaven. You don't know that. Killing yourself ends that possibility. It robs the world of what you could have been, of what you could have provided. It's clearly morally wrong. Everyone wants to live, the only reason someone wants to kill himself is to end the pain. He still would like a good life, but he feels like the pain is unbearable and neverending, which it isnt. So killing yourself ALWAYS goes against your own wishes. Its like throwing your game against a wall and breaking it. So, thats just my two cents.

It happens all the time. Tens of thousands of times per year. But don't assume the "respawn" is free and clear. There is very likely an enormous karmic debt that comes with suicide. So avoid it if you can.

Hello, I really need to get some answers to this question, because I contemplate a lot and still not sure what the answer is. Question: If as we see the earth is a giant multiplayer-open-world-game, there WILL be people who would be dealt with bad cards in life and live in total misery. My question is if there is no death why cant these people who are trapped in very-hellish/painful lives, why can't they just commit suicide and be reborn as someone else? What does a person who`s life is total misery have to lose? Why not just start-over? I know suicide is a "taboo" topic, but I can see that this question is relevant for a good amount of people on earth. So please dont take this question as some sort of "trolling", I'm genuinely interested in an answer as to why this cannot be used as a "respawn" as we see in video-games?

We can't claim it's healthier because there's so little data on microdosing. Caffeine has been field tested for thousands of years, by billions of people, and studied extensively in science. It's been shown that consuming caffeine drinks is health-promoting on the whole (reduced rates of: cardiovascular disease, suicide + depression, diabetes, colorectal cancers, prostate cancer .. etc), and this agrees with the folk-acceptance of caffeine drinks as non-dangerous. On the other hand, microdosing is bleeding-edge. It's basically brand new to humanity in terms of field use, and it's barely been studied in science at all. We know a decent amount about the health effects of acute use of psychedelics now, and they turn out to be very safe when used sporadically, but we know almost nothing about chronic use (microdosing). David Nichols (the preeminent psychedelic pharmacologist) and others have raised concerns that because psychedelics like LSD activate the 5HT-2B receptor, that chronic use could lead to cardiac valvulopathy, like we saw with other 5HT2-B agonizing drugs like Fen-Phen. https://heffter.org/microdosing-lsd-research-potential/ Personally, I think this is a very real risk. Until we have evidence that microdosing flies under the levels of 5HT-2B activation that trigger valvulopathy, I'm not going to take the risk. I really hope that it turns out to be a non-issue, because I love microdosing. But until then, I'm keeping microdoses occasional (max 1x/week), saving up my 5HT-2B activation for full fledged trips, and sticking to tried-and-true caffeine for my day-to-day tweak. I might repost this in its own thread, because this risk isn't being talked about enough in all the excitement surrounding microdosing at the moment. I totally respect people's decision to microdose despite the risk, because you have to weigh risks vs. benefit, but it's something people should know about.

I feel you I generally have an depressive ideation and have one today when failing at an important task and succumbing to Internet pornography in order to numb the pain that I now felt today and over the past month or so at a slow path of suicide that my mother took because of still anti societal habits of getting up late, being stuck in my head and not helping family members around and a deep cynicism and judgement to the way my culture works stage blue nationalism and even slightly at some parts red criminal/tribal solidarity mostly is pressuring me since I am not fulfilling my life purpose of a sociologist that I intuitively feel and feel happy about when visualising myself in it to become one of them eventually or to isolate myself and slowly rot away homeless because of not adapting to their stage survival struggle. These depressive ideations are so strong at times that its hard for me to have the will to communicate to anybody or feel for and be sympathetic my family members shared pain for me at times and I strongly feel that I if continue down this path of not being physical skilled and yet having to work a laborious job and failing to finish academy and being stuck that suicide would be the only way out of the suffering and would follow down the path of my mother of isolating myself, abandoning the family and killing myself eventually when the mental pain of my life position intensifies too much. I feel to that if I am not conscious, loving and strong enough I will follow my mothers genetically predisposed upbringing and patterns of behaviour and selfish personality traits in to killing myself by jumping off a building eventually. I feel and think this heavily when I look at my current life's direction so I can't come to grips when contemplating that this is just my belief.

Over the years I've repeatedly experienced 'being in the desert of darkness and meaninglessness" and it's an awful feeling. Having that thousand yard stare,,,,,, At times I've been bolstered by a macabre saying of Gurdjieffs that he meant as dark humor and who himself admitted he contemplated suicide at a few certain times. He said - "Hell, its only terrible first few days. I never know if the antidote will be gritting my teeth and hanging tough or throwing my hands up and saying, "fuck it". If you know what I mean. You're not alone. Look at these thoughtful responses from others here and take heart. Find the path back to loving yourself and having a feeling of innocence and wishing well for others. A good cry or perhaps radically throwing yourself into a strenuous physical activity have been turning points for me in these periodic states of psychic entropy. Bless you and may light shine on you soon. As @Nahm said, I too wish you well.

Bit of a radical idea perhaps. But I was sitting here thinking, if I truly am willing to die to find out the Truth, why not actually kill yourself? Seems like that would be the most counter-intuitive move of all. Seems like that would pull back the curtain in one fall swoop. ps. Don’t worry, not on the brink of suicide.

Borderline primary.. Genuine Borderlines Is where basic Borderline symptoms and some added symptoms are displayed. Examples Intense emotions Intense reactions Rage Suicidal tendencies Unstable emotions Unstable reactions Borderline secondary The tendency to show primary symptoms along with extreme creepy behaviors and extreme needs and control behavior and hidden rage and manipulative tendencies. Are not genuine. Faking a lot of symptoms for sympathy, validation, acceptance, attention. Pathological lying Lot of cover up Reserved High privacy needs Not welcoming Anti-social traits Lacking empathy Manipulative Blackmail and trap back Self blame and self deprecation which is fake Ulterior motives Copying socially programmed behaviors and emulating them when needed Suicide threats Control freaks.. Control every move Stalking, spying, Fear of rejection They can't let go Extreme insecurity Aggressive rage Hidden rage Need to dictate and dominate Creepy dismissive and detached vibes Lack of openness or graciousness Immaturity Disregard of another's suffering and substituting and magnifying their little problems in the middle of someone else's suffering. Feeling intense self pity but no pity for others. Need to be center of attention Victim mentality Isolation of the partner and friendly behavior with the family Perverted sexual behavior Need to constantly blame and chastise and condemn Guilt trip and gaslight Make you feel like you have always deprived them Harassment and heckling Long emails or conversations which are wishy washy and vague. They are difficult to argue with because they never get straight to the point. Beating around the bush They always mean opposite of what they say. They are generally despondent and sadistic They invent lies Creating past and future scenarios to fit their narratives and to gaslight Plotting and scheming to act like a victim later or to make you look bad. bpd or borderline disorder is slightly different and it involves using victimhood and using extreme strategies to keep the person in control aka Jodi arias.. My ex was like that.. They usually use suicide to hold you back in the relationship. They have to paint the picture that they can't live without you and that they will extremely damaged if you left them, thus either blackmailing you or playing to get your sympathy. They feel no empathy for the other person's pain or problems and only see themselves as the only one who is getting impacted in every way. They are not necessarily narcissistic but they differ from narcissists in a way that they believe that everything is only about them. They completely disregard the other person's needs or problems or psychological effects and see everything from their own angle Even if they are made to notice how the other person is also suffering either because of them or others, they show a cursory or fake response of concern or seriousness, it's like they are incapable of understanding the seriousness of a situation at all, they act teenagey and lack maturity and understanding and gravity of a situation. They only feel bad when their emotions are getting hurt but fail to acknowledge that the sufferings of the other person are actually bigger than their hurt feelings.. They easily get butt hurt and resort to extreme behaviors to make themselves look good but deep down they are seething with jealousy and insecurity and the need to be constantly given attention and importance in the relationship. They are usually sadistic and don't smile when others are smiling or rejoicing and they are always the victim even when nothing offensive happened. They have to be center of the attention and they feel good only when they are given constant attention.. They try to self deprecate themselves in an effort to win praise or sympathy from people around them.. They cannot take being abandoned and such an action causes them to be aggressive

There is medical proof he did not suicide, yet you will still probably manage to deny this...

@Annoynymous bpd or borderline disorder is slightly different and it involves using victimhood and using extreme strategies to keep the person in control aka Jodi arias.. My ex was like that.. They usually use suicide to hold you back in the relationship. They have to paint the picture that they can't live without you and that they will extremely damaged if you left them, thus either blackmailing you or playing to get your sympathy. They feel no empathy for the other person's pain or problems and only see themselves as the only one who is getting impacted in every way. They are not necessarily narcissistic but they differ from narcissists in a way that they believe that everything is only about them. They completely disregard the other person's needs or problems or psychological effects and see everything from their own angle Even if they are made to notice how the other person is also suffering either because of them or others, they show a cursory or fake response of concern or seriousness, it's like they are incapable of understanding the seriousness of a situation at all, they act teenagey and lack maturity and understanding and gravity of a situation. They only feel bad when their emotions are getting hurt but fail to acknowledge that the sufferings of the other person are actually bigger than their hurt feelings.. They easily get butt hurt and resort to extreme behaviors to make themselves look good but deep down they are seething with jealousy and insecurity and the need to be constantly given attention and importance in the relationship. They are usually sadistic and don't smile when others are smiling or rejoicing and they are always the victim even when nothing offensive happened. They have to be center of the attention and they feel good only when they are given constant attention.. They try to self deprecate themselves in an effort to win praise or sympathy from people around them.. They cannot take being abandoned and such an action causes them to be aggressive

@Nivsch Green is often unattractive to Orange. And yellow can appear as more attractive. Especially to intellectual/conceptual types. So when an Orange-centered person wants to expand, they will often want to bypass Green and go toward conceptual Yellow. They may take some intellectual interest in Green yet aren’t willing to do the work to embody green. This creates a poorly integrated yellow that tries to have an outside “meta view” yet doesn’t “get it”. They are in an academic/conceptual space lacking green embodiment and modes of being such as empathic abilities. There is often a green shadow. For those that have embodied green it’s easy to pick up on. Green isn’t just about conceptual theory. There are also deeper levels that come through practice, work and direct experience. This cannot be theorized it comes through direct experience. For someone cognitively based, I’d estimate at least a few thousand hours. I found direct experience through immersion in marginalized/stigmatized groups to be most beneficial. For example, I volunteered within a psychiatric hospital with patients for five years. I would sit and listen to them and learn. Yet not an theoretical type of learning. These were patients that attempted suicide, had psychosis and victims of domestic violence. There were times, I would get severe anxiety or feel psychosis. Some nights I had trouble sleeping. I started to “get them”, yet not intellectually. As well, I’ve worked with drug addicts and alcoholics. I’ve also lived in marginalized impoverished communities, such as a poor village in Honduras. There is no substitute for this type of direct experience. It’s is a not a conceptual form of understanding. It comes through direct experience, embodiment and skill development. It is a different type of “knowing” and it’s totally obvious when an Orange or poorly-integrated Yellow lacks this green-centered embodiment. To me, an integrated Yellow is the gold standard. That integration includes conceptual understanding, transcendence of self, meta awareness and green embodiment that came through a lot of direct experience and work. There are many flavors of poorly integrated yellow with green shadows.

I have had some deep awakenings over the past month. Utterly profound. Even though these awakenings were deep, the aftermath was pure suffering. I realise the devil has been operating my life since I was a teenager. It is so paradoxical because it is apart of oneness. But it feels like it is separate. And now it is stronger then ever before. I have seen what is lurking within my unconscious mind and it is not pretty. All the worst things I could have possibly thought about myself has arisen into my awareness. It is paralysing. It is scary. It is hard to see it as an illusion because it is so powerful. I am scared. I am confused. I am lost. I can’t do anything. My emotions are completely out of control. I have lost my mind. There is so sense of any grounding to my reality. One moment I cry, one moment I am paralysed with anxiety. Taking my away ability to make any desicions. I have lost interest in material aspects of life, and I have reduced me social circle to literally a couple of people and family. I struggle to relate to my family any more because they are so different. They don’t have the same values. It is hard to keep any relationships with this peculiar, intense yet strangely synchronistic experience going on. Heck I am losing my ability to communicate and form sentences with people. The only thing I know I can do is to meditate more. I am in too deep now. I guess I have to continue and work through this stuff. I am only 24, sometimes I wonder weather to leave this work for a later time. But I can’t I have seen some deep shit. I can’t go back to my materialistic life. But my meditation are scary. The sensations get more intense, they get more dark. I have images/thoughts of suicide or killing others. And I never knew I am capable of thinking these thoughts and feeling these feelings. One thing is to just observe these feelings, these thoughts it will pass. Has anyone experienced this after having awakening experiences?

I got out of a two-year long, toxic relationship nearly a month ago. I was systematically manipulated, and taken of my innocence and worth. After my breakup, however, I felt confident, assured in myself and path, and excited for the future. For the past week or so, however, I've been dreading nighttime. When my family goes to sleep, I feel like I'm wandering around a hopeless, empty space. My blood heats when I feel I'm being a bore or not as well-liked as I used to be, my very soul is torn to shreds when I don't get responses from friends. My usual paths for validation (my toxic ex) are not available, and I feel a visceral pain knowing so. I acknowledge that the only validation I need receive is of my own, that it is the only way I can become self-sufficient and fulfilled. However, lately, I've felt so much loss in hope. My body constantly feels as if its being emotionally rejected or told it is unloved. I'm currently pacing around my house, my heart is on fire with dread and shame, and I cannot sleep because of my fear for being alone with myself. These intense, ritual emotions have lead me to consider suicide. I fear with my lack of approval, I have no inherent value. I fear I've made far too many mistakes because of my relationship (lying to my family, flunking out of college, selling my body for money) to deserve self-validation. To paint more of a picture on how intense these emotions are: My body feels immediate release when I think about talking to my ex. Even though I consciously know he is toxic, his validation that I've been hooked on for 2 years would give me instant relief. Every time I walk away from something that's distracting me, I fall into a deep depression. I immediately fall to intense tears, to which I'm terrified to face due to my scary thoughts (I'm also scared they'll reveal he treated me a certain way for a reason, that I have no value, etc.) Please let me know any thoughts about this situation you may have. I know this behavior is neurotic, I'm not looking for a quick fix, I'm seeking answers on how to face my fear of self-validation and loneliness, when I feel as if I have no intrinsic value or hope of being my actualized self. All is appreciated more than you may know, thank you so much.

Did he really commit suicide though? #lookintoit

this is teal swans video on depression notes, have a read, follow the step by step proccess and see if it works or not, now there are a few thngs in this video i am unsure of which i need to contemplate etc it seems like pretty good advice and i hope it helps !! Depression (The Truth about Depression that No One Sees or Understands) Depression is one of the most poorly understood conditions on the planet. All the ‘experts’ weigh in on what causes it and what solves it. But these causes and solutions are all over the map and often contradictory. And this can in turn add to the depression that people suffering from depression feel. Before I get into this episode, I need to say that depression is not a weakness and it is not something that you should be ashamed of. It is not a character flaw. You can in fact understand depression as well as how to solve it by understanding the nuance in one single sentence. I’m going to give you this sentence and then use the rest of the episode to explain it in complete detail. Here it is: There is a big difference between resisting futility and accepting futility. Everything you feel has a cause, dysfunctional brain chemicals are not the cause; they are the symptom. We are creators at our core. For us to feel good, we have to be able to perceive ourselves to be empowered so as to be able to alter our life so that our needs and desires are met. When we cannot do this, we feel powerless. Depression is caused by a situation in our life or many being something where no matter how many times we try and try and try, we cannot cause it to turn into what we want and what would meet our needs. Therefore, we feel it is futile. Futility and depression are synonymous. What you will find is that life is relationships. If we talk about our home life, what we are talking about is our relationship to our partner, mother, father, siblings, children etc. If we talk about our career life that is still about relationships, but this time to customers, bosses, colleagues etc. So what this futility is really about is that you perceive that in order for something to become what you want and need it to become, you need cooperation from other people involved in the situation because you can’t create it or change it by yourself. But they will not collaborate and cooperate. Therefore, this incapacity to change the situation because you “can’t do anything about it” makes your self esteem go out the window and you perceive yourself to be forced to surrender to the tortured ended-ness of the fact that your life is suffering. This is pure futility. It is terrifying to learn that you cannot make someone take your best interests as a part of their own, and collaborate towards you feeling good in a situation. This causes anxiety. But anxiety in this scenario is simply like the phase before someone hits a sense of futility. However, instead of accepting that futility, you resist that futility. Part of you does not give up which means you’re still in resistance to it. This creates a sensation that a person is not lost in a kind of darkness, but instead that they are becoming the darkness. To comprehend the way this works, imagine a person who wants to be let inside a gate to a village so badly that for years, they try every way to get it open and eventually slip into futility. At this point, they sit down motionless for years, still emotionally resisting that the gate is closed, hanging on to the strange possibility that one day, it might, so it’s just something you have to hang on through. All of this is done instead of getting up and walking to a different village. Part of you has not given up. Part of you is not willing to let go completely. You refuse to cut your losses. You are so tied to the image of how you need something to be that you wont give up on it. This resistance to the futility is what makes you so exhausted all the time and keeps you stuck in endless futility. And people who suffer from depression tell themselves they “can’t” cut their losses, when this is really about choosing not to. And you have very valid reasons for not being willing to cut your losses. But no matter how good your reasons are, you stay powerless in this way. It is critical to become aware of just what you are so attached to that you can’t let go of by accepting that it will never come to be. What are you afraid will happen if you accept it is and always will be futile? It is worth mentioning that some people use depression as a way to avoid committing suicide. This is because some people feel if they accepted the futility of a certain situation, they wouldn’t have any will to live anymore and would instead want to die. They would see no future. This often happens in situations where someone cannot conceive of wanting something else other that the specific thing they want and in the way they want it. For example, if they can’t get someone to love them back, they refuse to be loved by someone else. It is only ok if that single person loves them. People who suffer from depression also tell themselves that their needs are NOT going to be met anywhere other than in the situation that is futile. This is also more resistance to cutting their losses. They have to see that they subconsciously choose to commit to a dead end by doing this. It is a common assumption that depression is about suppression. This is both true and not true, which means there is a subtle nuance here to understand. A person with depression isn’t actively suppressing. After years of trying (through not suppressing) to create the thing they wanted to create and get people to change in the way that would get their needs and desires met, nothing worked. So expressing their truth also feels futile. Communication does absolutely nothing, so there is “no point” in expressing. While this means that a person has to suppress their truth, it is a different flavor of suppression. It is not active suppression so that a situation can be what the person wants it to be. It is suppression because there is no point screaming for help if no one is around to hear it. Again, back to the futility. If you have depression, you are not authentic, because you think being authentic is futile. So many children are stuck in this respect because the situation they often have to change (but that is futile) is the dynamics and arrangements of their family relationships, something that they are totally out of control of. If they try to express this, it only infuriates their parents and caregivers and thus makes matters worse for them. Childhood is prison where one’s happiness depends on the benevolence of the wardens. With a parent who is unwilling to help a child shift their life so they can feel good, a child is in hell and captive, powerless to change the circumstances of their life. Here is where the spiral gets worse. Because of the unwillingness to actually accept the futility and focus on any other way of creating your desires and needs, you stay in the situation that is futile. To do this, you have to betray one part of yourself. And this part of you gets VERY mad at the other part. So it feels like part of you is destroying another part of you. It emotionally feels like self-digestion. People who struggle with depression are both totally unaware of free will because they feel it is their responsibility to control the uncontrollable and get people to be how they want them to be (something they hate themselves for failing at). At the same time, they are all too damaged by free will. The grief they feel is that no one will participate in creating their version of a feel good life. They feel other people are all taking action, intentionally or unintentionally (and often idiotically as if oblivious) against it. You hate them for it because you feel so hurt by it. You can’t accept that other people have free will and with that free will, will not choose what is best for you. You also can’t accept that it is possible for you to do what isn’t best for yourself. You don’t understand this because it is an unhealthy relationship between two of your internal fragments. But because of this refusal to understand and accept that this is the case, you are just waiting for this to stop one day. As you wait, you feel more and more futility and more and more resistance to that futility the more people disappoint you by proving it is a futile situation over and over again. And then the third aspect of this spiral of depression sets in. You look around and notice that no one feels this same futility that you feel. So you make it mean something about yourself. “Something is wrong with me because I can’t feel good”. But because of the magnitude of the amount you care about this situation and the magnitude of the futility in the situation, doing little things to try to feel better (things that seem to work for other people) does not work. It feels like throwing a tic tac at a charging rhino or trying to feel amazing about an ice cream cone, when an asteroid is headed for earth. Or watching a comedy show to laugh when someone you love and need is dying in a hospital bed. They are acutely aware that these little things will not make the overall issue any better. What I am about to say is going to make some people very angry, but I have to say it. Depression is the byproduct of relationship dysfunction. Most people don’t want to see that depression is not chemically caused mental illness (remember the imbalance of chemicals is the symptom), but is the result of relationship dysfunction because most people don’t want to admit to the futility itself in the relationships they have. They would rather make it about how they feel. It is a coping mechanism for them to focus on brain chemical issues because this feels more empowering and promising than focusing on the real situation in their life that causes futility. It also offers hope that if someone sees they don’t feel good and are in fact ill, people might just feel enough pity to participate in creating their feel good situation instead of resisting it. For this reason, anti-depression medication is like shutting up the very voice telling you that an aspect of your life has to be changed, instead of actually changing it. So what should you do if you struggle with depression? Face your futility. Overcoming depression is all about becoming consciously aware of and facing and resolving the futility that is occurring in your life. Yet again, this could be a specific situation or multiple situations. Now that I have made you aware that depression is about futility and resisting instead of accepting that futility, look at your own life and recognize how this is playing out in your own life now. People often never get out of their depression because they keep trying new ways to make a futile situation not futile and therefore try to solve things in all the futility resistant ways they can think of, instead of facing the fact that futility in and of itself is the issue and especially, the resistance to that futility. This is why you should never approach healing from depression by “fighting depression”. Do The Completion Process with the feeling of futility specifically. If you are depressed, the futility is about a situation you are currently in. But this pattern of futility is a pattern that began in childhood and this current situation, is a repeat/reflection of a situation in your past of this same kind of futility. To learn how to do this process, you can get a copy of my book that is quite literally titled The Completion Process. And if you want to be helped through the process instead of doing it on your own, you can find a practitioner who is trained to lead you through it at www.thecompletion process.com. Work directly with the part of you that refuses to accept the futility and refuses to cut your losses. This is the part that continues to keep you adapting to the futile situation in ways that are detrimental to you. And this sets up a pattern of self-hate and internal anger. Also, work with the part of you that is opposite of that one. You don’t need to know what that part is specifically. You can simply say, “I choose with my free will to become the opposite part to the one that refuses to accept the futility and cut my losses” and allow yourself to really be overtaken by the energy of that part of yourself. To understand how to work with a fragment of your own consciousness like this, watch my video titled: Fragmentation, The Worldwide Disease. Also, to increase your understanding about the internally focused anger that is created by this part of you, watch my video titled: Bulldozing (The Way To Ruin Your Relationship With Yourself) Having accepted the futility, look for the ways you can move forward and the options you do have. You have to do something new. Resisting a futile situation puts you in a rut in life. Depression is all about focusing on what you can’t change and refusing to accept you can’t change it so as to focus on something else or do something else. Ask yourself, “If I accepted that what I want is never (and I mean never) going to happen, what would I do then or instead? It’s the thing where if you stop focusing on the door that is closed, you might see a window that is open. It may be hard to believe that your needs or desires can be fulfilled in any other scenario or even that any other option exists. For this reason, you might benefit by watching my videos titled: The Zebra and the Watering Hole and How To Meet Your Unmet Needs. Do something new even if you are simply doing it just to get out of your rut. The more drastically new, the better. The darkness you feel is the symptom of being disconnected from parts of yourself, and from what you really want in life. You must develop safe relationships. Depression is about relationship dysfunction that makes you powerless to create the life you want. Most specifically powerlessness and un-safety when no one will be an ally to the creating of the life you desire and need. This means, you need to go to places where people see, hear, feel and understand you. You need to heal the trauma of no one choosing to align with you so as to participate in what you want to create with them. But to do this, you can’t keep trying to get people who have no interest in doing this, to do this. For this reason, one of the most important videos you will ever watch is my video titled: How To Create A Safe Relationship. Also, depression is an intensely isolating and lonely experience. Being a situation that is in fact set up by the relationships in your life and one that is resolved by creating safe relationships, I encourage you to read my book titled: The Anatomy of Loneliness, which clearly outlines what causes this sense of loneliness as well as how to go from loneliness to a sense of connection. The more little things you do to make yourself feel like you have more power and control over creating the life you want, the better. If you are suffering from depression, understandably, you are super disempowered. On top of creating safe relationships, where people do cooperate in creating a life that feels good to you, you need to do lots of things in life, which don’t depend on other people to make you feel more empowered. Most of the suggestions people make about solutions to depression fit well into this category. Some examples might be deliberately eating foods that make you specifically feel good (especially mood boosting foods), spending time with animals, getting a massage or other form of touch, exercising, getting enough sleep, setting attainable and achievable goals and scratching them off the list when they are accomplished, taking on responsibilities which enable you to see your positive contribution, visiting and making new friends (this prevents you from isolating), taking control of your focus through positive focus or gratitude exercises or working with your core beliefs, sitting out in the sun, meditation, creating a routine, setting things in your schedule each day that you can look forward to even if it is as simple as watching a comedy show, picking up a new hobby, changing up things such as home décor or what room you sleep in or where you habitually go to eat etc. If someone in your life is struggling with depression, do not treat them like you are afraid of them. There is nothing to be afraid of. Depression is not contagious and people need your presence, not for you to solve a problem you don’t know how to solve. Also, there is nothing shameful about depression and this includes resisting futility. You know how desperate it feels to not be able to create something you want to create. It feels like accepting that the person you love more than anything else has died and never knowing if you will ever get love again. So it is a great deal more complicated than simply deciding with your free will to stop resisting and accept that futility and do different things that are empowering instead. It is a great deal more complicated than just deciding to jump out of a hole or be more positive. No one chooses to feel depressed any more than they consciously choose to resist something that is futile. This is a person that feels despair and desperation about a situation that is futile. And in their situation, anyone would feel that way. Lovingly help them to really focus on and face the pain they feel, don’t try to get them out of that darkness. Its better to hold their hand and dive consciously into it. My personal request to you is to become less afraid of other people’s suffering. Become less afraid of the way that watching other people suffer, makes you feel. All too often people abandon other people because of running away from feeling the feelings that seeing other people suffer, stirs in themselves. If you are struggling with depression, it is my promise to you that the feeling of wanting to be alive and feeling inspired and energized is on the other side of realizing that you do have the power to create what you want in life. You can create your desires and fulfill your needs. And there are people in the world that want to participate in that process as an ally instead of an antagonist. But all of that is on the other side of no longer focusing on the absence of what you want. It is on the other side of accepting and facing and resolving your futility, instead of being unconscious of it and therefore subconsciously resisting it.