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The mind interprets the vibrations the heart is sending out. Seeking Truth is Seeking The Heart. The centre of all Creation is The Will of Your Heart. You are because it is your Will. You breathe because it is your Will. You feel because it is your Will. You think because it is your Will. Trace it all back to the core of your essence. See The Sun reborn. Activate Yourself. Choose Yourself. There is nothing sweeter than waking up to being You. Cultivate your highest bliss NOW. See your Will in all of its reflection. Everything is as You Are. Generate your every next step in your Heart. You will be gently pulled forward into the unfolding of your perfection. Bathe in the joy of it all. Feel the excitement of being here and now. Be your own fulfillment. Stay Home. It is where all things come from and return back to. All you can desire is right here. All you truly desire is to be right here. In Your Heart.

For me, learning from suffering seemed to be the only way to help me grow and find wisdom. Understanding that I am the cause of all suffering I experience, provided the radical push I needed to free myself from old habits and ignorance. Life still brings hardship and bliss but now there is less resistance to what is and I come to life's table with a calm, loving mind and have a sense of inner joy that is always present in the background. Coming from this loving perspective my physical experiences have started to manifest more positively. I am careful, reflective with my thoughts and am excited for what life brings. Love.

Personally I'd really focus on diet, start running or yoga if you don't have a good solid exercise routine or habit. The point of spirituality is to go directly in the direction of feeling good, which paradoxically means confronting a lot of illusions that don't feel good. You'll notice stuff bubbling up and getting really bad, then being resolved and released to bliss, lots of back and forth on the path. If you want to feel good in the exclusion of feeling bad, it only beckons the boogeyman you don't want to face so you'll stop resisting him. That's likely what your trip showed you. Change your mindset to one that's more like an author writing an epic story or play, rather than the mindset of the character itself or even the reader. Good writers know that a great villain makes the hero. They also know that neither, in fact actually exists outside of their own imagination.

I did 100ug of LSD last night and I have some questions about progressing on the path. I have a hard time crying, and I think the next part of the path for me is to learn to cry because I think it will lead to relief. During the trip I was able to cry a bit and that felt better, but I also realized how it was very hard for me to just relax and how hard it was to just feel good. I went through many suicidal thoughts because at certain points I just couldn't handle the emotional pain. I noticed that when I tried to stop and breathe it felt better, but I would also get nauseous and so I was stuck just basking in the misery without any relief. It was my worst trip to date, and i'm scared to trip again because if I do higher doses I might just kill myself, and I dont' want to die I want to live. I also spent time looking at myself in the mirror. I always had a complex about how I looked. I was very vain every since I was a kid, and I am definitely neurotically obsessed with how I look. I understand how I look is subjective because I've improved my self confidence about how I look in the past, but look at myself in the mirror was still crazy. My eyes got all weird, my eyes changed color, I noticed my face and body would literally change and I would see multiple eyes on myself it was crazy. I was scared at one point that the person in the mirror would just start talking to me and I didn't know how to handle. I feared the terror and horror that would come from that kind of hallucination but it didn't happen. Has anyone faced this kind of intense of emotional pain and come out the other side happy? I feel like the point of spirituality, psychidelics, etc is to just feel good and be happy. That's what i'm looking for on the trips is well being and pure happiness. I also feel a strong urge to vomit on my recent trips and I wonder if that's related to anything? I know my diet is terrible so that's the number one culprit. I'm really going to make an effort to clean up my diet and stop poisoning myself moving forward. I've had LSD trips where I felt misery, but there was also a break through into bliss. But this time I got stuck at misery. Will a higher dose be better for me now that I am used to doing 100ug trips? I've tripped about 5 + times in my life now, ranging from microdoses to about 150ug doses.

One of Leo's videos that helped is called "Distraction the egos favorite defense mechanism" When I look back now after several Awakening experiences it's easily recognized how important it was to Calm the whirlpool of the Mind or Chronic pathological over thinking( monkey chatter) Traditional yogis believe that our souls are divine and therefore our true nature is a state of peace and bliss. But the whirls of consciousness that disturb our minds prevent us from experiencing our true nature. To reach the state of stillness—known as Samadhi—that allows us to experience the divine within us, we must reach the point where all the whirls of consciousness completely cease. A very straightforward translation of the sutra that defines yoga. Is quieting the mind through meditation. Yoga is the ability to direct the mind exclusively toward an object and sustain that direction without any distractions. But either way, whether the aim of your practice is to experience the divine bliss that is your true nature or simply to become more present and comfortable with uncertainty, quieting the mind is the path that will get you there.

@korbes Move over my friend, I think we're sitting in the same boat. I too feel like I am currently stuck in a very weird purgatory where I constantly shift between fleeting moments of peace and bliss on the one hand and an almost apocalyptic sense of dread & despair on the other, and I have no clue where all of this is going to lead me. Obviously I don't have any brilliant insights to offer since I am practically drowning in a sea of cluelessness with hardly any land in sight; but it can be helpful to know that you're not alone.

Of course could be wrong, but your ideas of enlightenment are not real. They are monsters under your bed. I personally, with resistance by many on this forum, would go so fa as to say enlightenment IS not real, but imaginary. You're getting all fussed up about an imaginary story of this thing called enlightenment. Im sure you feel something strong, and you feel there will be a radical revealing of reality that will shake the stream of consciousness, but the projections, labels of what this feeling means, and will do to you are fucking you up because they are not real. Follow your bliss.

@Gnosis Thank you and likewise. Might be Knowing the unconditional within, via solid & lasting direct experience, but finding some resistance in knowing the unconditional as the fabric of reality, or the ‘without’ (the world, and your life unfolding ‘in’ it). Another way to say that might be, unconditional & pure at heart, but still ‘physical reality’ ‘real life stuff’ in perception & knowledge. I recall a stage of ‘being done’ on the path, which was just before ‘returning to the relative’. I didn’t want that honeymoon to end. At all. Very reluctant. I wanted life on pause forever, though I knew ‘two worlds needed to collide’ sooner or later. In letting go, the body did start flushing out what felt like a ‘bones level’ of emptying, followed by a deeply beautiful series of purifications. Prior to that though, there was recognition of spiritual ego...of the intelligence facet of the unconditional feeling so good, it’d just bliss out the body in love & infinite intelligence, then go straight to my head, followed by my foot in my mouth. I found the continuation of the expansion of the unconditional, a true infinitude of “the path”, in living it. Putting it first, above all. Uncompromising. A much deeper purification ensued. Intuitive sensitivity went through the rough, often being a bit too much and exhausting the body. Going ‘over capacity’ in terms of visceral love. Honestly the depth of purification was shocking. In that ’returning to the relative’, I believe you know what I mean when I say I was basically ‘forced‘ to bring all attention & mind space back to my life. There were thoughts like, “well, parties over I guess. I’m gonna lose it, but whatever. I’ll do a retreat soon”. And I just, surrendered everything. “Jesus take the wheel” lol. Done. It didn’t take long at all for what I’ll just call ‘creation consciousness’ & ‘cosmic consciousness’ to settle in to the ‘space’ purification cleaned out. It was and is better than experience had ever been by far. In hindsight - what did I even think I was giving up? It was just that I was holding apart life. “Pressure”, “responsibility”, “finances”, etc. I was so sneaky, I had divided existence from experience right under my own nose, and I did not really want to see that I had done so. But all that deeper purification came because I did look and see, because I “got real” with the unconditional in living. Then I was dumbfounded by a single insight - “Oooohhhh! Ok. “Dreamboard”. Eleven dry erase boards, and a 40 ft chalk paint wall for years - with a single insight I saw them for the very first time for what they were. Saw what I’d been up to in the most wonderful way, again, right under my own nose. It was like someone pulled a dam out of the way, and everything I’d written on them began to pour into my life. Perhaps the single greatest epiphany in that stage was how everything I’d ever experienced, made perfect sense with everything I wanted in life now. Just seeing it coming together on the board did it. I saw everything in my life, home & family, work, hobby, interests - I saw it all as one big perfect unfolding - which (and I mean this unconditionally) simply didn’t matter at all. It was that “inner kriya”, that “choice”, to let the ‘meta’ & ‘the spiritual’ of the past go. The experiences, the knowledge, the character, the trips & insights, the retreats, every last atom of every last memory of it all. I just let it all go for nothing. And now everything is nothing, and nothing is everything. TLDR: Order a dry erase board. Through expression of your entirely relative, and perfectly unique preferences & wanting, the absolute desire of creation flows through you, and everything in your life that is, rather magically recontextualizes itself. (It’s been flowing all along.) You will change, and your life will change, and that can seem scary...but the punchline is alway unconditional. Relentlessly, infallible & unconditional. It’s Good to get your hands dirty in life creation. Source has no problem washing ya clean again and again. @electroBeam What’a you just stay up all night spreading The Message? Shouldn’t you be sleeping. ?

This can be a challenging thing to face, since fear triggers maximum resistance to observing. If I am feeling blissful laying on a beach in Belize, there is very little resistance of being now. Since I'm blissful, I don't want to change my conditions - I like the conditions of Now. So it is much easier to relax the mind and ask "who or what is experiencing bliss?". It would be lovely to lay on the beach feeling blissful and contemplate the nature of bliss. . . .Sign me up! Yet it is a very different scenario if I am chained up in a dungeon and a man enters with knives and a bottle of Hydrochloric Acid. Here the mind and body is flooded with fear. The is an intense desire to change one's conditions. The mind and body will strongly resist observing the fear and contemplating "who or what is experiencing fear?". When the mind and body is not directly experiencing fear, it is much easier to contemplate fear - yet there is a limitation. The tendency is for the mind to create all sorts of thought theories about fear. This can have some practical value, yet it will be at a surface level - unless it is coupled to extra-ordinary imagination - which most beings lack. One can practice to develop this skill or psychedelics can breakthrough this barrier. For example, I recently watched prisoners describe their experience in solitary confinement. At the start of the video, I didn't feel any fear or discomfort. I let my mind and body relax and allow space. What is "real" vs "imagined" began to dissolve. With time, intense fear arose to the point of insanity and panic. . . There were very energetic dynamics at play in which we could roughly describe in two categories. There was identification to the fear and panic. There was a sense that "I" was experiencing fear and panic. There was a strong desire to stop the video and do something else. As well, there was a "meta awareness" observing the fear and panic. To this awareness, it is not something to avoid. Through this observation, deep insights may arise - yet it's challenging to do because it's the last thing the mind and body wants to do. It is much easier to observe bliss when one is blissful because it's the first thing the mind and body wants to do.

I'm hoping for a materialist death. My body breaks down into its constituent atoms, which are then scattered back into the cosmos from where it came. Bliss. I think the reality will be very different however, more like existence will go POOF! And feel sorry for the rest of you in advance. But maybe, just maybe I'll get immortality - whichever "I" that would be.

It takes every ounce of self control in me to NOT write a wall of text in his comment section. Ignorance isn't bliss

I feel this. I've experienced this deeply myself. I think this is what quite a few people on this path go through. I wish you the best no matter which path you chose to take to solve this. Know that I for one unconditionally love you for who you are . Right?! Trying to rationalize these insights always takes my mind for a ride. also, about the whole sexual compulsion thing. Have you ever tried looking into tantra or cultivating the energy? An example would be channeling your sexual energy through visualization, body movement and clenching of the PC muscle to move your Creative energy(sexual energy) to different parts of your body. Heart chakra to experience bliss and ecstasy or third eye for creative insights into your work. I've been informed by some spiritual practitioners on how once they started this they were able to use this energy to actualize their dreams, such as writing books with this energy or creating communities that help benefit mindkind through the use of this energy. P.S seems like some people use all that to have better sex too. So if your into that then have fun

What practices do you do that produce good feeling? I'm trying to cultivate feelings of joy, bliss, appreciation, gratitude etc but i'm having trouble. I find simple meditation on the feeling of being me isn't enough to get me bliss and joy, are there are specific meditation practices that can generate these high tier feelings? Any other thoughts on how to feel better?

I haven't journaled in a little while. notes: 1) I woke up today with so much love in my heart. I still feel the beauty of the now. I love life so much. I love how I'm able to wake up in so much love. I've figured out that if I just sit there for a few minutes I can tap into so much love. 2) I'm noticing addictions to distractions. T.V, talking to people, video games. When I started actualized.org I let go of my addictions to T.V and video games. I would only ever watch anything if I went to someone's house because that's what most people do or visit my brother. Last week for the first time in a while, I started playing video games for fun. The first time was really joyful, but the fullfillment soon left me. Now I feel strong disires to play. Im seeing how when I drop one addiction that distracts me from the now another one pops up. When I went through my awakening I dropped all addictions for a few weeks. Man, I was the most aware I have ever been. I would often go from extreme bliss to extreme suffering. awareness doesn't = happiness. meditation: 20 min I have changed my meditation to do nothing and I've had great success. Really getting great results.

These are a couple comments I've transferred from a thread about attachment to desire where someone made some good points. Desire is a wonderful thing. But attachment to desire is something else altogether. Attachment to anything is conditioned and dependent. I would have to say either you are or aren't mired by dependent habitual conditioned energies. But mostly it is a matter of gravity and degree. In terms of the most basic necessity, observing the disease of the mind entails suffering. This is an habitual relationship not with the world, but with oneself. It is neurosis. This neurosis is a mental crutch. This is dependency one must acknowledge and cut away from one's life. Keying one's attention to externals without being sidetracked, without abandoning oneself to craving, one learns to deliberately manage following the heart's desire without stepping over the line. The most subtle veils of delusion are of your own making and must be swept away until there is nothing left of your habits. When you don't crave, personal issues of self and other turn into a matter of mutual response because now the situation becomes the context. Sure, no one else knows that— but when you do, you are not at issue with conditions, and you don't get swept away by emotional craving or selfish psychological patterns. So when others seek to manipulate or cling psychologically or emotionally, you detach from their issue, not the situation. The situation may very well go on, but you don’t perpetuate issues relative to self and other and right or wrong. This is itself an expression of compassion, even should it be ruthless. Who can start and end here without further deliberations? Not sidetracked by externals in this regard, one follows the heart's desire without stepping over the line. It is a most curious affair, because, in terms of clarity, you do not go along with the world's momentum— but then you find that the world must have you without exceptions. It is relentless. This is where (the buddhist image of) Mara comes into play. She is relentless. She never goes away …only temporarily recedes from time to time. Even sudden enlightenment only severs the compulsion to follow conditions; stopping without rejecting is always in your power, so harmonizing enlightenment does not depend on the sudden. Whereas creation is fecund— endless manifestations material and mental; enlightening activity is endless transformations according to the time without unknowingly changing along with creation’s phantasmagoria. You have the power to choose going along or not, whereas the norm is going along with Change unawares. As it so often happens, something comes in from left field and one's flow is obstructed, and one naturally stops. Ordinarily, one’s psychological momentum, characteristic of insistence, might seek to push through obstacles— or even assign self-reifying definitions without benefit of objective knowledge. That is stepping over the line— merely seeking definitions relative to self and other is entertaining intellectualism, which perpetuates habit-energies fueling the personality’s psychological momentum bound to creation. Should one admit objective impersonal analysis, the only measure is mutual accord in reality. Beyond the fact that creation is already oneself without beginning, being the partial aspect in the real meaning of unity, mutual accord is the affair of subtle response carried out by virtue of the nature of reality. Working with potential is possible because it is inherent in situations themselves. Admitting objective analysis is really just immediate impersonal knowledge. As one gradually stops using the selfish perspective relative to self and other, the immediate objective knowledge of potential relative to situations gradually becomes apparent. This is mentioned further on as the Dharma Eye. Seeing potential actualizes immediate acquiescence, or virtuous accord in reality, also known as nonresistance or the virtue of the receptive. Just different names to express the arising of enlightening potential. To the degree one follows the heart's desire within unknowing (innocence, that is— not ignorance or cunning rationales), situations are naturally self-refining. This is all made possible because effective self-refinement enables immediate acquiescence. By selfless mutual accord, conditioned situational gravities stop; it's not that you have to stop outside of stopping. It's a matter of seeing reality. Real seeing is spontaneous transcendent seeing. It comes about by not exercising the personality's psychological apparatus habitually. In terms of physics, it is simply an absence of momentum, so one is not carried over into arbitrary action and one stays within the response-body. Enlightening being is the innate quality of subtle response, which is to affirm that sudden realization is not a necessary consideration in terms of expressing effective enlightened qualities. Why? Enlightening being is the quality of being so— it's self-refining, and is therefore selfless action in the world, Using the world's situations for self-refinement, instead of self-gratification, one begins to see reality— not that self-refinement and self-gratification are mutually exclusive, because they’re not. Reality is inconceivable; good or bad is not the criteria of enlightening being(s). This is the means to develop authentic practice. Wielding potential without thoughts of good or bad, enlightening activity is open and sincere unminding response in meeting the created energy of ordinary events. Sudden enlightenment is just waking up to the fact that the light shines (or not) as creation radiates the causeless. The light is like spontaneous enlightening activity adapting to conditions by one who is awake to the activation of innate spiritual function. Subtle spiritual response is natural because Creation and Nonorigination are not different. I've noticed a certain reluctance and trepidation in some to personally own up to the term enlightening. At the risk of appearing glib, I only mention it because people need to know that sudden and gradual are two rails on the same track. They are one continuum. Don't be misled by the analogy of the two rails. The light is one substance and so are its inconceivable functions. It’s like Blues and Country (being music) are Rock&Roll. It’s the Mystery Train and no one knows why. Getting back to momentum, or even further— back to some good points someone made regarding "now." The exquisite realm of now is effortlessness, whereas the perpetually creative realm is beginningless arbitrary ideas arising out of nowhere to upset the weak balance and harmony of those clinging to personal conditions: that's karmically bound evolution. Creative evolution is Karmic. Self refinement is the long process of ridding the aware being of clinging bias and inclination to arbitrary psychological stimulus whereby one’s autonomy in the midst of worldly situations is gradually stabilized. Enlightening being is not a matter of insularity, it is unity coming from within differentiation. Creation evolves by virtue of its conditioned potential. After a long time of gradual practice, seeing reality is recognized as such, but one still loses this again and again when seduced by phenomena. Unbending intent is single-minded determination to avoid following externals unawares. Beginners use renunciatory discipline or precepts; adepts plunge fully into delusion, without differentiating. In practice, one develops discipline first (symbolized by the 3rd I Ching hexagram, Difficulty), then deflects externals (symbolized by the 4th hexagram, Darkness or Innocence). First stopping conditioned stimulus; then seeing situational potential void of one's self-reflective psychological patterning. Stopping is not static and seeing is not relative to the person. Stopping sees the relative (movement), whereas seeing is just awake without bias or inclination. Secure in one's dedication to now, presence is basically being ultimately natural, without hangups. From this vantage, it is easy to see momentum (or conditioned potential) in situations. That's why I say either one is or isn't attached to kinetic (karmic) momentum. One only sees the real by virtue of stillness; conditioned energy is its mass times momentum squared. Not that it matters~ what matters is that in seeing the real from within the false, one gradually enters the inconceivable. One uses delusion to enter reality. This is possible because enlightenment is not different than karma. Enlightening being sees this. Spiritual illuminates match creation by its inherent potential and use it to partner with creation according to the time. Partners of creation do not go along with its karmic evolution, while ever gathering its potential. That's why some have been known to "ascend to heaven in broad daylight." Jesus isn't the only one by a long shot. In many respects, desire is complete in and of itself. Attention is mutual, in terms of self and other in the sense that one necessarily attracts when another is attracted. That much doesn't require deliberation. In terms of application, desire and bliss are coeval. The timing depends of their arising (or their arousal). The point is, it's mutual. This is the direct relationship we have right now within the heart of nonorigination. Relative to the essence of the creative, enlightenment isn't different. When one follows desire with openness and sincerity presently, without anticipatory momentum, one is activating the tao in reality without intermediary. This is enlightening being, but don’t expect the world to cooperate, so don't mention it. If it did, adapting enlightenment to conditions wouldn't be exceptional, and buddhas becoming people wouldn't be a secret— even though it has always come and gone without saying. This is because selfless movement doesn't have mass, only potential, therefore it can't be said to be still or moving. Subtle adaption is like that. The inconceivability just is without any body knowing better or being the wiser. Since it's already your own mind right now, immediate acquiescence is like taking over creation and stealing its potential. Poof. The ancient taoist alchemical classics all tell us to refine the self and await the time. They also say neither rushing ahead nor lagging behind, like a cat watching a mouse-hole, ever vigilant, ever careful not to miss the timing: when the celestial time arrives, human energy is responsive. It's not a matter of helping the tao, it is just in an ever-ready equipoise in mutual respond to situations fearlessly, honestly and without cupidity. Obviously, the timing arises in the situational context. The whole point of this kind of subtle intensity is to follow the breath of creation, which waxes and wanes in intimate accord with the celestial design. Only enlightening beings see this. This is an affair of transcendent living whereby one has no mind in going along with creation which is literally neither here nor there. One clings neither to the falsity of the conditioned matrix nor to the reality of the mystery, because they are not different. It is just as is and no one knows why. The ancients have left this teaching for those who have the affinity to follow in their footsteps to carry out the open secret, and go on …beyond. In the final analysis, the benefit is this: taoism calls it stealing potential. Such is that the spiritually aware potential energy that makes manifestation possible can be gathered by any individual not going along with the karmic matrix of creation. This gathering of potential is real, yet one doesn't actually gather anything. It goes back to following the heart's desire within unknowing: innocence following the heart's desire naturally steps over no line. It is all a matter of seeing. One last thing… it is like the story of the monkeys who do not want 3 nuts in the morning and 4 nuts at night. So the monkey feeder says, "Ok, I'll give you 4 in the morning and 3 at night"— at this the monkeys are very pleased. One doesn’t seek to please because that’s the monkeys’ business. First of all, you adapt to the situation selflessly and respond impersonally to give the universe its arbitrary causeless requirement in each situation as it arises. It is not a matter of logic, but of strategy. Secondly, one uses the current situation as a means to master the 3rd and 4th hexagrams in order to transcend the conditional aspect (without anybody knowing). Since you don't speculate on the conditional manifestation, you naturally cull its essential potential and seal it away void of intellectualism. You see, the way of the world is to get it all backwards— and keep it that way! So the way of all prior illuminates is to foment subtle audacious reversal within the course of creation in order to take it over and steal its potential (back) unbeknownst to anyone. Actually, it is a matter of freeing unrefined potential from its conditioned matrix simply by seeing reality as it really is, as it is. In terms of alchemy, those of you who know the I Ching, know that the 3rd hexagram Difficulty is done before, i.e., in the morning. This is advancing the yang fire. This is effort. This is following desires. This is entering the tiger's lair. The 4th hexagram Innocence should be done after. This is withdrawing the fire when the killing energy of the yin convergence first arises, in order to gather potential and seal it within innocence void of intellectualism. This is non-doing. This is only a possibility by virtue of following real desire without stepping over the line, so to not act on arbitrary ideas relative to the personality. Just the not-doing of intellectual activity is itself stealing potential. Having done so is gathering the medicines of the spiritual elixir. Guard this in the wordless. Spiritual release is spontaneous awakening. Having directly divulged the secret, who can put it to use? ed note: add "without rejecting" in 5th paragraph; put a little in the middle; put "acting on arbitrary ideas" in parentheses in last paragraph

Challenger ADC Playing league of legends is effortless Joy, love, bliss, freedom, creativity, playing league of legends Pushing the limits in every game.

Jhana practice from the mind illuminated. I'm going to look for specific types of meditation to cultivate bliss, joy, ectasy, etc. All the pleasant feels i've been craving. There is resistance in the way. Resistant thinking. But simply be pressent of who you really are, hint it's not the guy in the thoughts. And then act.

@TrynaBeTurquoise I did like 50ug of LSD a few weeks ago because my baseline was already pretty psychidelic so i thought a minor dose would push me to a break though into bliss. But i just got stuck prior to full surrender, and I was just in misery. I find going with larger doses is good because it forces a sink or swim situation. Especially, for me because i have a hard time pushing my comfort zone, the drugs just do it for me. Especially at higher doses.

@Rodrigo SIlva I know your situation from myself. Good work, that you decided to do it anyway, you have strong will power. This sounds like a good trip in terms of growth, which will help you a lot in your journey. But dont go up. make a break and then do 50 again and again until you can rest in silence with bliss. silence is pure beauty. your ego just hates it For me I also get this claustrophobic silence, and I feel weird. Even music will not stop this. I then concentrate on the breath, that helps

We find it a beneficial combination because we are VERY familiar with the weed high, so we can handle ourselves in situations that others would completely freak out, and therefore unlock the hidden potential in it. I'm stoked that I'm not the only one who has had this experience For the gram joint, I got some king size Raw papers, chopped up the buds very well, and once the roll was done I continued putting weed into the end of the joint and packed it down with a little stick. Didn't even get close to finishing it though, I only just started smoking it when the wave of infinite bliss slapped my in the face, lol

It depends on many different factors. Ime, the most influential factor would be the willingness to let go and surrender. Yet there are other factors as well. "Ego death" isn't necessarily a scary experience. I've had some that were indescribably beautiful and blissful. When faced with "surrender" the ego has been like "I get to let go of that misery to enter this bliss? Heck yea!! Let's go!!". . . Yet other times have been difficult. If there is a lot anxiety prior to the trip, I'd make it as comfortable as possible as we don't want to traumatize the mind and body. For example, tripping in a crowded train station during rush hour wouldn't be a good idea. For me, I would say vaping 5-meo because there is the option to pull back if it gets too intense. Yet that option could also make it harder to "cross over".

I did 1.5 tab of LSD. Here we go. I'm expecting a breakthrough into bliss.

Don't know what it is, but I have a deep desire and curiosity to explore chakras, kundalini, bliss, different feelings, etc. Not for healing, not for relieving suffering not even for seeking, but for the sake of understanding, and becoming more conscious and aware of who I am (god), how I work, and exploring what types of states of consciousness are in God, what can be explored, what can be discovered metaphysically. I'm just so excited and curious about Myself, that I just want to explore deeper and deeper about what I am, really. I'm sort of like a metaphysical scientist, that's just deeply curious about what I am, what I'm made of. I want to explore, discover, see different metaphysical aspects of myself, etc. Do kundalini or chakra practices fit this bill? Are they helpful for exploring yourself for the sake of quenching your curiosity? Or are they really just made up systems for healing and relieving suffering?

I ate 3 grams of Penis Envy Mushrooms (Lemon Tek). I had the deepest awakening of my life. Here are my notes (converted from voice recordings). This was my fourth awakening (One sober, one on Aya, two on Mushrooms.) I had another awakening on mushrooms like 10 days ago which was deeply profound, but this most recent trip blows that one out of the water. Looking forward to going deeper in the near future. Hope you enjoy I realized that I just keep forgetting over and over again that I'm not in control. God is the unstoppable force and anything other than total surrender to it is insanity. Ego is basically resistance and therefore, by this logic, insanity. Identity is like a struggle against the river of surrender to God. The fear of psychedelics because of losing control is irrational because we lose control completely every single night in our dreams. Also, we specifically face our deepest subconscious fears in our dreams and we experience our dreams as if they are reality because we are not conscious that they are just dreams. That also connects to how our waking fears are irrational but we're not conscious enough to realize that our identity and therefore, all fear is an illusion. God is constantly morphing and changing. There's no way it can be conceptualized because it's absolutely everything. It's so total. It's the fabric of everything. There is nothing more fundamental. This whole identity that I take so seriously is so fucking laughable, it's just a joke. My ego identity is just as true as anything. Everything is true and false simultaneously, but I hold my identity as so important, but it's not who I am. I am so much more. Telling people that reality is an illusion is a nearly guaranteed way to make people demonize you and discredit you because it threatens their sense of reality and their ego. Telling people that they don't exist is pretty much the last thing they're willing to accept. Even though I see all of these amazing visuals, I am still aware that this is not exclusively God because anything that you point to is not it. It's everything. Everything I say is still missing the point. There is no point, lol. But the point I'm trying to make is that everything I am asking and searching for when it comes to God and Truth, I AM IT. Just be it and surrender to it. It doesn't get any deeper than that. Nothing could ever be closer or further away from God than anything else. No matter how far you run from God, you're still in the exact same place. You're still God. You cannot run away from it. You just are. There's nothing contradicting about using logic and rationality and being conscious of the divinity simultaneously. I became aware of a demon I've been fighting my whole life about there not being enough time. This is so silly because time is something I invented. I have infinite time. One of the most fundamental differences between normal waking consciousness and my mushroom trip is that with normal consciousness, I am clinging to my identity and therefore unconsciously defending it, as I must in order to perpetuate the illusion. Basically everything I say is just a projection to defend my ego. I realized that I was unconsciously trying to attain a higher level of consciousness or an ego-death experience. Then, I realized that it cannot be attained this way. I just have to realize that I already am it (God). All descriptions of God are completely delusional, including my own. Everything basically boils down to infinite delusion. This creates a strange loop of everything being delusional and everything being true simultaneously. Falsehood and delusion are identical to reality. It's all the same thing. This entire psychedelic experience cannot be grasped or remembered accurately because it is so complex, deep, and constantly changing. This is why a trip cannot be well explained or conceptualized. No symbol could communicate or represent the experience with a high degree of accuracy. This trip has such a strong theme of me trying to figure out what God is and what I am. It also has a deep undertone of me trying to control. It's more accurate to say I'm a human dream than a human being. The tricky part is, what is the "I". It seems to be continually morphing, like it's not steady, like it's not real. Yet there is one steady presence. There's no fundamental difference between my rational mind and my intuitive mind. It's all part of the same source. It's all part of the same dream. Surrender is not what I thought it was. I used to hold this idea that surrender means to be at ease with what is going on in this moment. It's like there's multiple layers or dimensions to what's happening. Let's say, for example, I feel anxious about talking to a woman. On one dimension, I'm doing it; the words are coming out. On another dimension you’re thinking; all of these anxious thoughts flowing through your mind. I also might be thinking that surrender would be the experience of talking to this girl without anxious thoughts. But what I realized is that there's no winning that game. There are always infinite dimensions and factors at play. Total surrender means accepting all of it exactly as it is. Surrender is realizing there is no surrender. It all just is exactly how it is. It was like I transcended the duality of surrender and non-surrender and discovered Surrender. It was like accepting the Isness totally, including all resistance. I surrendered to the resistance, and in a paradoxical way, resistance no longer existed. This insight is specifically hard to explain but this was a massive insight for me with an enormous energetic release. It was like a metaphysical orgasm. My cat was deeply concerned about me lol. I also had new deeper insights into divine feminine and masculine. I no longer understand these forces as just certain parts of the One but as an all-encompassing duality. Masculine is the primary being or isness of God. It's about owning what you are by being it. It shows up in people through confidence and courage. Counter-intuitively, the most attractive thing possible is to completely own who I am, knowing that all I have to do is be who I am, and yet the feminine will always be attracted to Me. There will always be the other half to love Me and to help Me accept what I am. Feminine is the acceptance, love, and reaction to the Masculine. Of course, these are not absolutely True. This is only a relative truth. In Truth, these forces are one. My deepest fear both as a human and as my God-self is of what I am. My deepest fear is accepting Myself and all of my infinite beauty. If anyone could be selfless enough to be totally honest as a spiritual teacher, they would be one of the greatest teaches in the world, or maybe they would just come off as completely insane. Or both. A great spiritual teacher must find balance by grounding his message in truth and authenticity and also present it in a way that will be understood by considering the psychology of his audience. All of my egoic concerns, questions, worries, and anxieties, all seem so fucking petty and delusional. The deeper I can accept Being, the more peace and bliss there is. I'm in the middle of a massive fucking Awakening. How do I describe this? It's so fundamental. It transcends all human knowledge! I shed so much fucking delusion. But, I'm as thick in the delusion as when I began! There's nothing but delusion! It's all made up. It's all imaginary. Infinite delusion: that's what reality is! Everything I'm saying right now is completely fucking delusional. Of Course! Self-acceptance is the theme of this trip. I'm not talking about my human self. The human self is so fucking petty compared to my actual infinite Self. 3-D reality is challenging but it is not punishment. It's actually a gift. A lot of what we're doing is this metaphysical dance of grasping and clinging to reality, purging delusions, and clinging to new delusions. This reality is something to be cherished. It's so beautiful. Remember to be grateful for it. "Physical reality" gives us stability. It's something to be grounded in. This "3-D Matrix reality" gives us the experience of having a stable, tangible reality that allows for amazing experiences that would not otherwise be possible. There is no difference between fantasy and reality, or between true and untrue. Clearly, a fundamental shift happened I this trip where I stopped thinking of me as a human and started thing of Me as in God. The claim that everything is a delusion seems fake when you're grounded in physical reality until you realize that the "real" beliefs that you are grounded in are also delusional. One way to sum up this awakening is the realization that reality is completely fucking magic. It's completely bonkers, amazing, grand, and unthinkable. People just don't realize it because they're too caught up in delusions of survival. Survival is delusional because the self everyone is trying to preserve doesn't exist. This problem is so tricky, it's godly. This awakening was so incredibly deep, but it had nothing to do with learning any new facts. It was just a deeper realization of what I am. Any time I feel tension arise and I try to argue with someone, I am most definitely wrong. This statement is also delusional.

@VeganAwake Precisely, there was never really a suffer to have suffered. Only if we agree with it, believe in it, attach our identity to it and fill our being with it does it manifest as suffering in us. It's not just undesired thoughts...even desired thoughts. It may start out as releasing from what we don't want but even attaching to what we do want can be a source of suffering. The thoughts of wanting truth, enlightenment, awakening, freedom from suffering, bliss, love is conceptually perceiving a lack of it as if we don't already have all we seek, that we are incomplete. The 'desire' is a yearning as if we don't already have it like hunger is from an empty belly but that yearning is the desire in our consciousness that can fill our being with a sense of emptiness. In liberation there is a sense of fulfillment that quenches the yearning, a peace that transcends conditions, joy that emanates through everything we experience. What's ironic is that when I first did experience liberation I was pretty ignorant of so many things but I didn't even have any desire to understand, I was content in the freedom from self suffering. Yet my lack of desire for knowledge turned out to be the very key to the vault of insight like being served endless meals with already having a full belly and no hunger. So, yes, seeking 'truth' can put some on the treadmill chasing after something they perceive they don't have to feed the desire. It's a yearning that won't ever be quenched because the mind's craving for new knowledge and deeper understanding acts like a belly that needs to be fed 3 times a day to fill it...but only temporarily. The ego will use the search for truth and any perceived truth it gets to justify it's identity but that ego's desire is so difficult to satisfy, the ego won't let it.