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I hope you are still here. If we consider that the world is empty and all at the same time and there is such a thing as dying to get enlightened (positive death) and suicide (negative death), then what if you are just on the other side of the coin right now. What if you are closer than you know, just because you are ready to give it all up. What if you just need one more step and that your suffering out of emptiness and seeing no point in anything anymore is getting you close to your wholeness and finding the beauty of the world than any other time in your life. Have you considered for once, looking at a beautiful scenery that makes your heart beat and say, I am not ready to leave yet. This moment is just too gorgeous and I really want to be here, right now at this second, to just feel it for one more second. I will end it a bit later, but not right now. If you experience it, you will most likely feel why you want to be here. I felt the same at some point. If you haven't, I hope you try to find something that makes you want to stay for one more second, just to fill you up for that time. Those moments give life, and they can happen at any time, especially if you turn on your radar and look for them. What if you do that, as the last try you'd do to stay.

For the past few weeks, I've noticed a few spiritual teachers talking about this idea that you essentially have no real choice or free will in what happens to you or what happens in regards to your life. And that everything that happens is determined by the God head as destiny. That God already pre-planned everything according to God's plan. I'm someone who has extreme anxiety about the prospect that I could be destined for failure as in, not being able to get into the college I want for Animation. Or being able to get that dream job I've always been wanting for a while in animation and story telling. Never being able to find a love partner, never losing my virginity, not being able to be hired for the most part and screwing it up when I do get the job. That ultimately my family may give up on me and kick me to the curb as a lazy good for nothing loser and me eventually losing all the friends that I have. My parents have been arguing since I was a kid, I think I was scarred as a result, I've been compared to my hot tempted aggressive and sometimes vulgar and disrespectful dad sometimes as though it's just me as well. And there's nothing I can do about it. Even though I'm mostly never like him. The only thing is that sometimes I have some anger issues and a big mouth. But I've been working on it and getting much better in that regard. Trying to own my mistakes. And I'm much better now. I've been bullied and rejected alot as a kid and in high school. I've never felt like I felt in because of different personalities. Sometimes I'm just shy and introverted and I feel very insecure about my self. I'm insecure about my looks since I'm a bit skinnier for my age, I've been called ugly alot growing up and even though I do groom pretty well and made progress in improving my style, I still feel subpar next to most other guys. I just feel like girls will reject me, end up leaving me or find a better looking guy than me. And I may end up dying a Virgin. I've been having horrible struggles trying to secure a job and have alot of confidence issues in myself and my abilities since without getting job experience now it might make it next to impossible for me to get hired anywhere down the line. Also I feel insecure about my art since I feel like I'll never be good enough for a collage and that I'll always be skipped over for better artists. And add this anxiety that God fixed it like this, or if you want to say I'm (not ego self) God, somehow decides to be cruel to this life experiencing form and curse it from birth, made it like a futile loser perpetual failure unloved, unworthy for love in the eyes of others basically complete futility. And that my only choices is try to counter act this and fail, or well, commit suicide. Me committing suicide would be surrender and well the only true relief from this. My one true act of rebellion and the one thing that could bring some pleasure, no matter how scarred I am to die. Or what lies beyond. Though I am emsly curious to know if this awareness or concuousness that I'm experiencing continues after death, or if it's just darkness and nothingness a complete lack of concuousness forever. Though we'll never, I'll never know until and unless I die I guess. And I'm teetering slowly on the side of suicide, trying to find some excuses to try to stave actually offing myself. Like, finishing game of thrones, hoping to get lucky or proven wrong or something like that. Help.

Thanks for the advice. It's crazy how during my personal spiritual journey, as I've been grasping the truth of the universe being immaterial, the I, concuousness being God creating reality through becoming holographic form and the truth of no ego self, How my ego created and pulled me so vigorously into this delusions and deceptions. As though it would prefer to commit suicide as an ego with a toxic mindset rather than be let go. I have not been meditating as much as I had been before however my spiritual progress was made mostly through contemplating and trying to be mindful of what Leo had said in his videos. I believe the mistakes I made was thinking that things are preordained rather than the fact that moments becomes eternal once it becomes. Since possibility is conceptual but moments are actual. And do not become actual until it happens. And if I am creating this narrative, than it will become like a self-fulfilling prophecy since I'm putting that energy in motion. And the future only existing as a multitude of possibilities that become the present as the the becomes recreated to now rather than then which becomes a memory in a continuous sequence as a certain possibility happens. And of course not meditating nearly enough. I see now as God, I puppet this life. And recognize it is connected with everything else as one. So there is no need to struggle and create bad scenarios by putting out that negative energy. Sending out that message that this is what I'm creating and where my focus is and affecting my Karma badly in the end. Since negative And as I become more conscious, and in tune with my intuition, I can guide this life and form working with nature to what I chose to create. Rather than fighting egoicly for control and trying to exert egoic will. Your advice actually helps and illuminates how this never "fit" is the work of egoic delusion. And unconsciousness.

So I’ve always had this problem of getting obsessed/”in love” with a person and it’s taking up all my attention and energy. Often times it’s also unrequited love which doesn’t make it easier. I know I must have some daddy issues but this reoccuring loop is seriously becoming way too pathetic. I don’t think I can handle this much longer. It’s standing in the way for me to focus wholeheartedly on any other ambition in life. But of course it must be my only true motivation and therefore also something I’m continuing to do more or less on purpose. Obviously I’m getting something out of it even though it’s slowly killing me and many times pushed me near the border of suicide etc. Please help me understand this. I want to focus on enlightenment work but how could I genuinely. I can’t seem to hold it up for a longer period of time. Sooner or later this shit is taking over me again and again no matter what. Another part of me just wanna find the love of my life. And a third part of me is guilt tripping and ridiculing myself because of this ”low consciousness” aspiration. And why the fuck do I keep getting obsessed with guys that doesn’t want me back.

That is the right attitude, to uncover the most deeps truths about yourself and about reality, you gotta have the strength to go places where no one else is willing to go. If you think "this ego death thing sounds cool but what if I actually die, what if this consciousness ends forever" go after that thought. Before my inner death occurred, I was "lusting" for suicide, not in a bad way, not at all. There was no doubt in my mind that it was the right thing to do, I could just intuit it beyond any doubt. I was going to end myself "Death" is the thing which everyone runs away in this reality, almost everything is structured around escaping death. Death is the big thing, the fear of death is by far the most prevalent and instilled thing in our culture, could that be a sign? Only the most brave will be able to see this and accept this truth. *Complete inner death is the ultimate truth and it is the only way to complete peace*. Because this lays so deep, it is the most difficult thing to do. Once you go all the way, God will give you everything: *Death is an illusion*, just like all the other illusions along the way that you discovered. Why would it be different with actual death? It has no substance.

I have persistent mental pattern that is responsible for my depression for years. Its about romantic love experiences which I never had. This pattern pops up multiple times per day. The main theme is that I only experienced romantic rejection in my life. From this on my mind projects a future how this is going to be the rest of my life now. Im hardcore into self development for about 2 years now and the irony is that this just enforces this pattern. "Youve been working on yourself for another year, and still no progress in that area". I know that on some level its just a story my mind spins around a neutral situations. But in another way its so real because thats just how it is. I made no progress in that area. Despite all efforts I have not had one good experience yet. Its just a fact. In a twisted way it even seems like the more I can handle through these insights and work I do on myself the worse the external experiences become so it cancels each other out and I stay at the same place. I know for sure that if I hadnt had the consciousness I have now the experiences of the past years would have driven me to near suicide instead into regular old depression. I tried to work with law of attraction and I was really happy for a while, I vizualized how I would have all these dates and my confidence was on top. The external didnt change one bit after months of that so it felt like delusion and I lost all hope in that. Nowadays I tend to think about it in another way. i know I have enormous creative talents and recently I got this idea in my head that god wants to use me as a vehicle to create certain arts in this world. And because of that romantic love or family life is not allowed to come into my experience as it would be too much of a distraction and defeat my life purpose. If Im being totally honest I even get the sense that after I finished my creative purpose in this world my life is done and I will vanish. I dont know if Im deluding myself.

Hello friends. I just wanted to share somethings that have been on my mind. And maybe get some help or advice. It was around my 9th grade year when I really started having suicidal thoughts. As time went on, I've had more. What I've noticed is that even small responsibilities that's placed upon me, I would start to think how much of a pain they are. I always feel powerless to take on these small responsibilities or tasks. As if I'm never prepared or just don't feel qualified to take on these responsibilities. I soon went off to college, which I really didn't even want to go to, I felt obligated. It was at that time where I hit a new low. I was depressed because I was so overwhelmed from all the new responsibilities I had. I felt so powerless to do anything and so, I literally didn't do anything. I didn't go to my classes anymore. I just waited it out. Waited my semester out and I decided to lie to my parents and sister that I had great grades and that I didn't want to go continue college anymore. I was lost and I didn't want my parents to worry so, I applied for the army. I was second guessing my decision and I told my recruiter about it when it was about time for me to swear in. The recruiter wanted me to go through with it and that the Army experience was great. The recruiter was nice and I guess I didn't want to let him down so, I decided to keep going. I forgot to mention that I started my spiritual journey in college when I got depressed. I lied to the recruiter about why I didn't want to join anymore. I told him I was Buddhist and I didn't want be involved in anything that may result in anything that will hurt others. He turned it around on me and he told me that he used to be Buddhist and made some points. I guess it was his niceness and the fact that he was Buddhist was why I still went ahead with the Army. Soon my basic training was done and I was healthier than ever. I felt great to be involved in something that was bigger than myself. I was greatful. I wanted to become active so that I could experience the Army with my other buddies that I met in my training. I was told that I had to wait 6 months before I could go active and I just knew that I was gonna be a completely different person by the time 6 months came, and surprise, by the end of the 6 months, I didn't want to go active anymore or even be in the army. I went to one of the monthly drills and was disappointed in how it much of a difference it was compared to how I expected. There wasn't really a strong sense of pride when I was there. That experience added into why I didn't want to be in the Army anymore. I also realized that I was identifying myself with the army which was pretty egoic.I haven't been going to those drills ever since and I finally got a letter saying that I'll be dishonorably discharged. When I received the letter, I felt afraid of how the rest of my life would turn out because of this. But I also felt relieved. I always felt caged in when I was identifying with the responsibilities of being in the army. It was soon after the letter from the Army that I realized that these worries that I had were conceptual. I had worries of my college debt and worries of becoming a dishonorable discharge and how that will affect my life. When I let go of the worries I cannot tell you how free I felt. It was also near that time where I had my first real spiritual experience. I felt disidentified with my body and my thoughts. That helped to take spirituality a bit more seriously and believe that it's all true. My goal soon was to be able to tap into that state at will or 24/7 and not this concept of enlightenment I had in my head. In hindsight, I guess I just wanted to be "numb" is a sense. Not feel like a victim anymore and know that anything that happens is all conceptual and not really "reality". And then we get to the current time. I began to have suicidal thoughts again. A lot of the time when I'm having suicidal thoughts, I felt like a victim, not liking how the world is, just didn't want to have these responsibilities anymore. Now, it feels more relaxing, relieving and right. I realized that in a sense, every thing I've been doing was to escape these suicidal thoughts. I may have sought spirituality keep from killing myself because I thought it was right to keep living and not disappoint my family or anyone. I always felt like suicide was this evil, a taboo thing. But now, I realized that I don't really want to keep living. Like, I don't feel the need to experience anything else in life. And if I did, it would feel like it's from an egoic state. And if I look for anything that I want to experience, it feels like I'm just clinging on to life and that I'm having egoic desires. The way I'm seeing it is that I've just been doing a lot of things to keep myself from having suicidal thoughts. I sought spirituality in hopes that I can keep living but not have to suffer which will get me back to suicidal thoughts. I feel now that my only real escape is to get enlightened enough to be able to transcend all my worries and responsibilities (and myself) so that whatever happens, I'll know it's all just experience and I can keep living. Or just suicide. I won't have to keep suffering until I naturally die. In a way, going along with the suicidal thoughts sort of felt like it was helping me see much more clearly. Like it was a bit of an awakening. But, that's probably just my optimistic self still hoping to get enlightened and keep living on. From reviewing what I just wrote, it feels like everything in life had been going "wrong" because I've been just letting things happen and doing things out of not disappointing others. And from lying so that I don't disappoint others.

@winterknight Thank you for your previous points. I'd second that as I am in the dark night and have been for the last 4 months. Paul actually attempted suicide but I didn't as I knew it would be no escape.

I can relate a lot. Sometimes i find myself not wanting to exist anymore & i get the feeling like i am trapped/forced by God to live this life either i want it or not. The fact that my mother was always talking about suicide when she was feeling really really bad doesn't help either because it programmed my mind to think this way.

@Aakash Yes you desire annihilation. The real you knows that it's being taken over by an impostor. People live their lives like that you know. Most people feel 'hollow', consciously or unconscionably, and that's the symptom of body-identification. To get rid of that there is only one way: kill the ego. Only the ego cannot kill itself. Only grace can be the murderer. That is why it's extra tragic when people commit suicide for spiritual purposes. The mind won't die with the body's death and it'll find a way back.

By your logic Isis & the KKK is are highly conscious spiritual organizations You might as well compare a suicide bomber dying in the name of Al-Lah and his terrorist organization (that is totally antiethical the very Greater Jihad they believe they’re killing themselves for) to Jesus voluntarily going to the cross.

@Aldo good god slow up. I know dudes that have lived in the ACTUAL hood. I’ve hung out in gang territory. If you ACTUALLY think those guys in gangs are who are fulfilled higher conscious human beings... man... go with me to deep East Oakland here in the Bay Area with me east of 51st and International. Go with me to the Iron Triangle in Richmond in the East Bay. Go with me to Hunters Point here in SF. If you think gang members aren’t attached to their ego... man you’re kidding yourself lol. You’re just kidding yourself. Dont make the mistake of thinking I’m saying everybody in those areas is some criminal, rapist, gang member. That’s not what I’m saying at all. All because people elicit basic human compassion has nothing to do with nonduality and Absolute Love. That’s just having good character and basic common sense and compassion for your fellow person... so long as you don’t violate their agenda too much. This isn’t a matter of debate. The fact that you think that these people are “dying joyfully” just shows how much you don’t understand what these guys have to live through. How afraid they are. How much they live in fear and have to bottle that up for the sake of their survival. These are all mental projections for you. These people who are part of gangs are not happy and they are not fulfilled, much less conscious. I’ve met and have had friends who were ex gang members and ex blud gang members. These people will break down because they’re so happy they escaped. This is utter immaturity if you think these people are like Turquoise blissful enlightened yogis. Which is not to say yogis are not above them in some absolute sense. These hedonist rappers are often insanely miserable because they often just chase titilation. Yeah they make music that has some idealistic talk but that doesn’t mean they truly know of what they run their mouth on. There’s a reason Mac Miller and such people commit suicide. That’s not an accident. These aren’t happy joyful people. The fact that your comparing their life to GTA just shows how foolish this view is.

Hi everyone i'm new. I am temporarily in the Buddhism monastery. It's like It was founded by a rich master. I come here to have a few insights about them. They are like a family monastery. People here are good human beings. There's no question about it. But they live a quite primitive lifestyle. For ex: spitting around ( including the master) . I can't blame them though because my country does not ban this act. I am from Vietnam. But I still have disdain for such acts. Their toilet and washing rooms are dirty and stingy but they don't allow me to wear shoes in those rooms. The shower in the male washing room is out of order so i can't wash my hair. A joint washing room that i almost could not find space to put my clothes. People are a little bit irresponsible in this case. They should have put their clothes in the washing machine when they are out. It's a little bit annoying. I feel like people here don't have any sense of hygienic standard at all. And they have me live in a room that only has a sleeping mat without a bed. The first day i could not sleep and almost wanted to leave but decided to carry on. My back still is not used to it yet . Interestingly I met a man whose left arm is severely wounded. His right hand is a bit wounded too. Later i founded his legs are wounded too. It became suspicious to me from the beginning that he did it himself. Since our ages are the same we talked and got along quite well. I asked him directly about his wounds and he admitted he did it himself in order to bleed to death. I asked him why and he said he's too tired of life and does not at all want to be part of the chain others have founded. He feels like he's a redundant person and not creating anything new for the world. I kinda understood what he meant. This man kinda wants to be an inventor or scientist who discovers something new but he's just not good enough. He tells me more about his personal life and my projection was confirmed. He's a kind and quite articulate man. I wanted to tell him that only 1 in a million can become a scientist or inventor or discover sth new. The rest just focuses on joining the already created working chain to make a living but decided to keep my mouth shut. His family has him in this monastery hoping he can decide his life ( continuing to live outside or become a Buddist). Honestly I think it's difficult for a man with his character to work as an employee in a company. He's not good salesman i am sure. If anyone tells me they want to commit suicide i will think they are weak souls but about this man i cannot. He's actually brave to cause such injuries for himself. Even his friend ( a martial artist said he would not have guts to). A few questions come to my mind: Should we have enough compassion to help someone die peacefully when they actually no longer want to live because for such people living longer just makes them suffer more. You have to be sentitive enough to see the suffering inside the man i met. He definitely tried but chose the wrong path to follow and he's just not good enough. About the monastery: It helps! Even after some uncomfortable things i still feel it helps. I am a bit fatter. I feel more energetic. People here are kindhearted but dogmatic. I will live here until April 22th or 23rd.

i am still living in this monastery. I must say people here are extremely superstitious and living a primitive style. I have tried to forbade myself from judging others but judgement just comes on its own. Pp here think by reading lectures their disease would be killed without treatment. They even try to drag me into their stupidity. They are trying to get me to drink the water they call "Yellow paper water". They believe drinking such water a lot of Buddhas will watch over them. They see Buddhas as super physical beings who still exist and play a role in their life not realizing Buddhahood is real, Buddha is just a pointer. As for the man who wanted to commit suicide, i am surprised to know he's a somewhat harcore meditator. The more I know him the more I am starting to know what's in his mind. He's an intelligent meditator but has wasted his time choosing the wrong path (I'm really worried for him). A thought has popped up in my mind: We must become financially independent first before we put our effort for enlightement work. If we are poor and enlightened it would be suicidal because when you're enlightened you are likely to just do nothing. Your survival depends on others 2) You can become enlightened and yet remain immature. 3) Good people are more than usual ( I would say 99% ) are good just because they have some kind of ideaology or some sort of moral code has been implanted into their mind since they were children or because they are good because deep down they know that's the only way for them to survive. Most people here choose to live in this monastery because they are unable to make money living outside playing the monetary games humans invented. 4) Truly spiritual people wouldn't want to follow the herd lol. I've realized it just by observing the above-mentioned man. He just flows with existence without caring much about the stances others conform to when we all pray together. 5) Enlightened people are not accepted by the masses ( this could be just my assumption) . I notice it in that man. The man just keeps getting reminded by others to follow what the rest does even though he doesn't really care or get annoyed by any criticism.

Ok, that makes perfect sense and that's exactly where I am at. I am deep in the dark night of the soul just now and I keep getting this idea that Shaun's point of view and experience is the only experience there is and it is scaring me, but I hope that part is just delusion or the ego trying to take ownership of the true I. I am terrified of reality, Leo and I don't know where to turn. There's literally nowhere to go, suicide is no escape and I don't know what to do. I am absolutely trapped.

Chapter 275 The implementation part of my spiritual journey begins. Here I will practice all the techniques and concepts I learned so far and record my progress. The conceptual part of my journey is over. I will also develop new techniques and refine existing ones. Finally I lifted off a huge burden off myself and all the toiling for a full year was worth it. This is a difficult path but I'm sure through all the frustrations and shrugs and the struggles I will get ample opportunities to smile and laugh and empty out the negativity in me. I'm now growing to be a better person, a more fruitful, productive and spiritual person. My journey in real life and through this journal has been filled with both struggle and fascination. I have seen everything and known everything and all of that at a pretty young age like an old soul in a young body I have known enough. Life has never been kind to me, but I should let that go. There is always be a better tomorrow as long as there is hope. What I came to know is that this human experience is filled with a lot of struggle, and pain and hardships and drama. This is called living and it will always be this way unfortunately. But I had to find my way out because I was about to kill myself. So a year ago when I knew that if things went really down south, I knew that I wouldn't be a stranger to suicide. I have tried that road many times and I have come back from it, there was always a vestige of hope but it didn't help much. I have somehow dragged through the suicidal period of my life. So a year ago, I knew in my mind that either I had to do something urgently to fix the situation or just give up completely and die. That's when I thought I had to bring a change in the way I looked at everything. I needed a reprieve. I was a mess, a terrible mess, and a terribly chaotic person. My childhood scars had left me deranged and looking for a direction in life. That's when I had the feeling that only spirituality could save my life. This journey started a year ago in February last year. That's when I started recording every day of my life and my thoughts to get a better understanding of what I needed to do on my spiritual path. I knew I needed a spiritual framework or a backbone to start working with because I was very fuzzy about spirituality, it was all scattered in my mind and I had no idea where to begin and how to bring it all together A year ago, if I had to ask myself, what is spirituality, my answer would have been, spirituality is spirituality, that's it.. Just a blank canvas. I had the worst nagging curiousity and I pledged myself that no matter what, no matter whatever the effort, I will dig this out. I will go deeper and deeper and think whatever I can and fish out whatever that makes sense and put it all together and weave it. Slowly and slowly, one day at a time, one hour at a time, I kept going with persistence and kept going and creating my own fantasies and concepts and binding them together. Eventually a pattern arose. Initially it was all scattered dots and I didn't know what to do. I was very frustrated with my own mind. Gradually with my persistence, I slowly began to join one dot to another and a pattern arose. It began to make sense after a while. Everything was making sense one day at a time.. I knew that I was close to the finishing line but the finishing touches were missing and still far away from my grip. So I had to wait. And wait I did. Then in October, I had it. I was coming to it.. Eventually over the past few months, the picture became stronger My dedication didn't fail even for a day. And finally I have it. I have it done what I had set out to do a year ago at this time. Now that it's in place, I can move on further bit by bit just like I did before Now I'm a free bird. I found my life savior in spirituality. It will be my sacred corner I will turn to every time something goes wrong in my life. It is something I can cling to. I needed the last straw. I can honestly say that I won't have to feel suicidal anymore because now I have some hope after all. I guess that's why spirituality exists. To give hope. To bring hope to those who are tired of life and this world and of people and drama, to give them a breather, a refuge, a shrine and a place of mental peace where nobody can hurt you anymore. It's a place to escape to when life is going down the gutter. Well of course it's better than drugs and suicide and self harm. It's much healthy and a way to heal away from all the chaos of the world around you. I wish I could afford a rehab. But I can't. So my spirituality is my rehab. I tried many ways to distract myself from all the abuse I went through and all the chaos, video games, food, music, over working, dating sites, trolling, constant shopping, crying, self harm,... But no use. It only makes my health worse and gets me even more depressed. So I figured out that my escape has to be a healthy one where I recover positively and I am able to get away from the emotional abuse and mess. The only thing I didn't try was alcohol and drugs because it's kinda illegal here. But now there is much more hope, thanks to all the effort I put in through this last year, despite my depression I was determined that I need to find that positive corner which will not be just a distraction that helps me get by through the day but also something that will be like a life purpose which will make my life purposeful and give meaning to it and inspire me everyday to live better and be better and lift me out of the depression.. Yesterday I was contemplating suicide again and I cried many many hours, feeling empty and hopeless. But after an hour this cup concept popped in my head I hurriedly wrote it down here. After that I felt better. I get bored very easily. Probably signs of some sort of borderline personality issues. I don't know. I think it's my hyper need for Stimulation. But anyway, I'm not going to waste my life diagnosing a new mental issue with myself every day. So yes distraction for me can only last so long. And I have an insatiable appetite for living a purposeful life. So yes. I need to make that happen or else I will spend my old age in regret. Yea I can be bipolar sometimes. But it's all okay. With a fucked up childhood, mental health issues are no surprise. But hopefully i have finally found a way to deal with my depression and emptiness and a lack of purpose and meaning. This I can put into practice from now on. And this will be my new life I have turned over to a new leaf. And it feels better. The chaos inside my mind has begun to settle. I'm finding peace. Finally and hopefully I can now move on and have a beautiful direction in life.. Yay.....its a new beginning. Amen....

@Mikael89 I've been to my doctor already. I have an appointment on the 29th to be assessed by a mental health team. I've been before. I've tried 2 medications. They were both horrendous, in terms of side effects and also messed with my mind. I'm not wasting my time with that any more. I'm not going into a hospital. I swear if they try and take me into somewhere like that then I'll be gone before you know it. I REALLY don't understand how you can't find non-existence depressing. It's truly absurd. I was baptised a Christian just after I was born. But I've never really believed. But how much more wonderful would Christianity be if were true? That we are all INDIVIDUAL souls. All INDIVIDUAL beings. Here together. Individual souls. You interact with different souls. All of creating ourselves, who we want to be. With free will. Then we live on, for eternity with one another, maybe just in different surroundings. PEOPLE, as INDIVIDUALS, not nothing as nothing playing with itself. Not just ONE thing fucking with itself. And well, if I am that thing, then my thoughts and everything must be ME. Thus, I don't like 'ME', and I'm ashamed that I invented a thing called an ego. It's sick. I'm selfish, clearly. It's all about me me me. One thing. Why can't I manifest something less complicated? It's absurd. Absolutely absurd. @Jkris There you go again. I mean, don't get me wrong, I bloody appreciate you taking the time to write on here to me. But you've jsut said it yourself. I don't exist. Neither do you. So why are you addressing me on here? Why does anyone care if someone commits suicide? When ultimately, it makes ZERO difference to anything as I don't exist. Whatever I am, or whatever this is, I have this weird urge, coming from somewhere to just end this. See what happens afterwards. I don't think anyone really knows. What I don't understand is, pretty much every single NDE, people have talked about meeting other entities, even God or Jesus etc. Who knows. Fed up. Tired. Head is a shed. Don't fear death anymore. I want out. Whatever I am, I can't be bothered anymore. Nothing matters.

@Paul92 Pls help yourself and try to read carefully and contemplate. Hey Paul you are repeating like a parrot again and again Paul don't exist Paul don't exist ? Who is this Paul ? Your memories about your body mind's life.Are you just thoughts,memories a mere physical body that exists ? Do Paul exist in deep sleep ? Who are you with out your memories ? Nope you are part of the Infinite the entire universe like a drop in an ocean.can the drop is considered as a separate drop or it is the whole ocean. Words can be misleading In Nondual sense there is only one existence.when they You don't exist means the physical sense of seperatedness or I feeling doesn't exist.And relatively that which is ever present is the only one that exists rest all created have begining and an end meaning the body mind will die not the real YOU.That which dont have permanant existance is a mithya - Not real.The body mind will relatively exist till the physical death. So nothing will change after enlightenment except the I feeling will vanish. Your life will be the same but peaceful and you cannot escape the duality till the physical death of your body. Enlightenment is not nihilism.Nobody is asking to believe your mental imagination of purposeless Ness and meaninglessly worry about mental imagination of purposeless Ness. Life will be more conscious more acceptance peaceful blissful and content after enlightenment. I said previously if you don't find purpose in life create one.Life is duality knowing reality is Infinite non dual. You will play the life as usual knowing you are not the body mind and the character Paul. Enlightenment will not solve your money,physical health or other problems which you will face in the life. No enlightened master commited suicide after realising truth.All wanted to spread the message and make people realize truth and reduce the suffering of humanity as much as possible. Even if you commit suicide you will take re birth and suffer miserably.So why not give a try to realize truth this birth itself ? Nothing more to say.

@Paul92 Excellent brilliant the non existing Mr.Paul is taking the non existing Leo's words as absolute truth and trying hard to commit suicide ??? Paul dear since you don't exist I who think I exist request you to transfer all your money,house,assets etc to me who exist before you really do something cowardly and stupid to harm or die yourself which doesn't exist ??? .I who exist will be greatly thankful for that ??? Dear Mr. "Non existing" Paul pls share your existing parents phone nos so that the "existing" moderators can contact them and tell about the mental condition of "non existing paul" ??? Hopefully the non existing Mr.Paul will be admitted in a physchiatric hospital and given some electric shocks by the dr's to bring him back to senses if he is adamantly holding on to some very wrong understanding of Advaitha,life and keep believing his stupid mind's imagination of self harm,harming others and suicide. Mr.Paul You exist and you need serious medical attention and counseling.Dont trust your mind.leave it to the professional s.

Suicide is hard man, call suicide prevention hotline for temporary relief. I am in the same shoe as you, don't know who the fuck am I and others around me, meditation and self inquiry scares the shit out of me now.

Lol, she was on the brink of suicide and suffered for YEARS! You are dismissing all that "work". Yes, if you drive yourself nuts to the brink of suicide and then finally the ego happens to collapse by some fluke instead of you actually killing yourself, the brain can then rewire itself. But it wasn't really quick. It was a process years in the making. It's like an explosion that was building up for years, and then one day it all burst. And even so, these kinds of cases are extremely rare. They might as well not exist. This is not a reliable strategy for awakening. You make an interesting point. But I still think there is a physiological component to spiritual giftedness. It's just damn rare. How do you explain that many of the most awakened people experienced their awakenings very early in life, often when they are 12 years old, 18 years old, etc. How do you explain people who do one meditation retreat or self-inquire for a few weeks and become enlightened? That is extremely rare and atypical. An average person cannot do that. Otherwise a large percentage of the population would be enlightened, but they just aren't and can't. More broadly-speaking, how do you explain that less than 0.00001% of humans wake up? This cannot be explained simply by lack of effort. Even within people who do hardcore spiritual practice, STILL, less than 1% deeply awaken. Again, this is not merely due to lack of effort. There is a deep connection between one's effort in this work and one's spiritual intuition. Why are some people much more spiritually attuned than others? Why are some people totally spiritually clueless? Lack of effort is not enough to explain it because one's willingness to exert effort is directly proportional to one's initial spiritual attunement. So my claim is that the people who wake up are the ones who start out in life already highly spiritually attuned. Poor upbringing and environment can obscure this attunement, requiring some decades of life experience for the person to realize that they even have this spiritual attunement. The problem with spiritual attunement is that most people who have it take it completely for granted. They don't know what life is like without it because they've always had it, and they assume everyone else has it too. But most people don't. It's sort of like having a very high IQ or being very tall. You don't even realize that most people are not that way. For example, I am 6'2". It took me 30 years to realize that not everyone is that tall. To me, being tall feels totally normal. I don't even know what it means to be short. It took me 30 years to realize that the world is designed for short people: hotel showers, all chairs and sofas and benches, airplane seats, sinks, toilets, urinals, jackets, pants, cars, etc. I can't sit comfortably on most chairs because they are designed for short people and I only realized that a few years ago! I didn't realize it because I assumed that all people are the same.

@Paul92 This wasn't a goodbye post. This was a, "Here's all my questions and problems I don't understand. Thanks but no thanks, fuck you." type of post. This was a "let me diss several people in the spiritual community on my way out" post. I think that is unfortunate, considering that many here have talked you out of suicide and been nothing but nice to you, but anyways, later bro... I really do hope you find what you're looking for. Godspeed.

Your tax dollars go to funding a stage Orange education system which leads to the indoctrination and suicide of many teens every year.

We can never really die because consciousness is eternal. Fair enough. But why assume suicide wouldn't be an effective escape just because you would transition into something else thus not solving anything? This seems to imply there is some type of system, reincarnation or otherwise which makes it impossible to give up the easy way. Since god has infinite possibilities, transcendent of all laws and logic, you should be able to make the choice to completely unmanifest and "delete" yourself such that you go into the non experience of the atheists view of post death. That doesn't seem possible from our present understanding because there is nothing independent of consciousness but hey god can do anything it wants right?

Where your toughts appear that space you indentified as "me". When this is "center of selfishness" is gone you become this empty space where phenomena are rising including toughts. Utter peace but devoid of all human motivations you previously indentified. Enlightenment is psychological suicide in a sense.