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I have a pretty clear sense of what has been going on throughout my journey in personal development. At the moment it is not looking good and it seems to be getting worse despite my efforts. My depression and medical problems have continued to worsen, making me unable to work due to severe medical reactions, insomnia, and depressive episodes. These things are happening to me despite the clarity and progress I have recently made. I have been going on a leave of absence more frequently and ending up in the hospital or rehabilitation for severe depression. This has been combined with continued complications concerning my medical insurance. I'm wondering how much longer this new insurance will take to be approved. I have an idea of what my depression is ultimately rooted in. I suspect it is severe childhood trauma which has made me incapable of loving myself. I appear to have been punishing myself by cutting myself off from relationships with other human beings under the belief that I need to find a higher life purpose with which to justify my existence. From this point of view, my attempts to find a life purpose are doomed to fail even if I took the life purpose course. I have cut myself off from love in many ways. To name a few this includes relationships, sexuality, the pursuit of happiness, and others. I developed several compensatory values designed to rebuild a sense of self-worth. This included values like truth, goodness, and spirituality which ultimately brought me to a place like this. I seem to value things like truth and goodness to my own detriment and it often seemed to hurt me due to never feeling like I could be redeemed. Given the significant ways in which trauma has distorted and clouded my authentic values, I don't see a realistic path to improvement without finally getting a trauma therapist somehow, but there are many obstacles to getting one. Even so, I have made some significant progress over the past 6 months. First of all, I moved away from my grandma and my sister. I was in an abusive relationship because my sister is a covert narcissist who likes to weaponize my trauma against me and exploit my vulnerability as she treats me like an emotional and psychological punching bag all while the rest of the family is blind to what she has done to me and therefore blame me for being too sensitive or not letting go of the past. The situation is still extremely problematic. Although I am not being driven to suicide attempts, there are still a ton of problems with navigating family gatherings such as holidays and birthdays. She continues to make underhanded compliments when she sees me while she pretends to be caring even though she knows she intentionally makes me suffer like this. I can no longer bring myself to attend family birthdays and holidays because the rest of the family continues to blame me when I express that I feel hurt while my sister gets to bully me with impunity. They tell me to let it go or be forgiving, but this is not an option in the case of somebody who is intentionally abusive. I have a somewhat difficult time feeling isolated from everybody I love through no fault of my own to the point that it now feels like Christmas is dead and I have been deprived of these gatherings. Sometimes I have nightmares about my sister, but my family does not understand PTSD symptoms and therefore blames me for not letting go of the past. It is also futile to try to explain my point of view to people in this situation, which is common in narcissistic abuse. And before you suggest I not judge her because she had her own trauma, I must point out that when she is not targeting me, she is targeting my younger brother who now also feels more distant from the family. It seems to have nothing to do with her trauma and more like she is just genuinely a spiteful bitch who wants to treat others like crap and get away with it for the sake of feeding her narcissistic complex. I knew her behavior was problematic for a long time, but I recently learned that there is a label for this kind of behavior and it is covert narcissistic abuse. I think this is significant progress because I now see through her dishonest tactics more clearly, and I am not giving her any further opportunities to manipulate me into an argument in which she will inevitably be the victim, forcing me to apologize when I have done nothing wrong. I learned the hard way the dangers of misplaced empathy and compassion while trying to be the bigger person for somebody who genuinely has no regard for the harm they cause you and might even enjoy it based on her smug laughter. I tried to be open-minded and understanding, but I understand that she never actually loved me or cared about my honest perspective because her empathy is two-faced and performative and she has repeatedly told me her bald faced lies without hesitation or remorse. I deserve better than this kind of family, as much as it pains me to be cut off from them even though I know they have objectively done a lot of shitty things in my childhood. I have made progress on other fronts of my life. I remember I used to put a lot of effort into becoming a professional chess player, only to be met with repeated disappointment and frustration. I have started exploring other strategy games and board games, and it turns out that I am pretty good at those games as well. It all ties back into severe trauma. As a child, I had a hard time seeing my own value and worth. When I discovered that I was really good at chess and that I was able to win money and defeat titled players such as national masters, it gave me a sense of direction in my life that I could enjoy. I often became so focused that nothing else in the universe bothered me, and it gave me a sense of freedom and joy even though Mom was stealing my money and blowing it one heroin. When I encountered significant obstacles to realizing this dream, I was hard pressed to find some alternative life purpose. The problem is that fundamentally I feel incapable of loving myself, therefore any purpose which does not make me happy, must justify my existence through being significant enough to help me endure living my life in severe suicidal depression. I explored many different fields and subjects and continued to educate myself, but I always doubted myself and struggled to find anything that would be compelling enough for me to not kill myself due to my deep suffering and the fact that my suffering was not worth going through if it does not somehow help a large number of other people, thereby compensating my misery through the philosophical standpoint that my suffering is ultimately for the greater good. I have developed very deep empathy for other people in deep suffering throughout this process. I have shown my goodness by going out of my way to help those in deep pain simply because I could. I did not need anything in return, which is what separates my genuine empathy from the performative empathy of narcissist who is trying to manipulate you through trauma bonds. To name a few examples, I helped a lost three year old girl who was abandoned by her parents, I helped a victim of predatory loaning get out of 60,000 dollars in debt, I helped my brother through his depression and suicidal thoughts by using everything I studied even though I am often limited in my capacity to help myself, and I overall supported various people in a similar situation to me in what ever way I could, and they were clearly grateful to have met me. Throughout my personal development journey, I have been reading lots of books on emotional mastery, hoping it would help me to overcome some of these deep emotional problems. Unfortunately, nothing seemed to be enough. I even studied psychology so deeply, that I now objectively understand psychology better than many therapists with master's degrees due to continuing to educated myself outside of college. Many therapists get tunnel vision because they focus on one narrow domain within psychology, causing them to overlook abusive relational dynamics while pathologizing the trauma responses of the victims. The problem is that my intellectual understanding alone is not enough to undo these deep wounds, and oftentimes it almost seems like more than I can bare. It isn't really fair that I needed to embark on this difficult journey to begin with, and I would have been a very different person if I never needed to study the mind this deeply. If I were my authentic self prior to all of this trauma, then I would likely be much more extroverted, jovial, and I would be much more open to dating rather than punishing myself through seeing my own sexuality as causing me to be permanently tainted and irredeemable. There is actually nothing I could do with my life which would finally make me feel like I am worthy of love, which is what I have been struggling with all of my life. There is no amount of success or external rewards which would be enough to fill the existential void of depression. The problem is that from my point of view, doing what makes me happy doesn't seem to be a realistic option, so I need to find a way to justify my misery through the philosophical framework of Christ like suffering in which I carry the burden humanity refuses to carry like some kind of martyr. For now I wish I could sleep at night, but I can't. I seem to be carrying a burden greater than I can manage on my own. I am unable to use my deep wisdom, education, and logic, to get myself through all of this because sometimes it is as if depression forces me throw away logic. At the very least I understand clearly, that I am unable to simply allow myself to love myself on my own. This is a silent struggle that I am often unable to communicate to my family as they think I need to toughen up enough to handle this level of depression. I really don't see how I am supposed to approach life at all if I am unable to function and I am losing my job and my money to hospital bills. I write this message because although my suffering may border on unbearable, part of me still holds onto hope. I see how I am capable of feeling love when extending compassion to others even when I must give from an empty well. I see that I may not be able to help myself through constant self-education through book reading in personal development, I still hope that somebody else can help me. I understand that such a person likely does not exist on this forum as chances are, I understand psychology better then them as well. Until then, I am probably alone in my suffering. A question I would like to contemplate is "what is strength?" All my life I have been looking to things like life purpose and intellectual ideals as something that would hopefully give me a reason to live. This reason to live would be the strength to withstand whatever life throughs at me because of my confidence and faith in my overarching vision and who I am. Perhaps in my next post, I will share what I come up with. Strength could mean a lot of different things, but what does it mean to me and what gives me strength if not praying to Jesus to not have Satan anally rape me with a flaming pitchfork until the end of eternity? I would love to explore where strength comes from and what it means. (My therapists actually did make me pray to Jesus by the way despite my objections.) I know it bothers you guys when I talk about these things, but I thank you if you were able to read this.

It's very recent; it started by "playing" with my psyche, as I explained in my journal, but I've developed a tendency toward suicide; it's a kind of strong attraction that comes from guts. Like it's almost Christmas or something. The problem is that I don't want to hurt my family, and I'm stuck with my narcissism in general (Valentin is too attractive and intelligent, has experienced too much to commit suicide; it would be a waste), and you don't know what happens after death. One possibility, btw, is that it's precisely this narcissism that creates this attraction. And it turns out I'll be reincarnated in the same life, or a shitty one. Another option is taking certain drugs or practicing BDSM (I will finish by coming across as a weirdo, lol, think of me as a consciousness technician); maybe a mixture of the two. I was talking about it somewhere once with @Nilsi So as to be able to approach a state of death and total relief, but with safety. It could also be more casual stuff like jumping out of a helicopter, going on a roller coaster etc; but that requires more courage.

Meh. Nah, not weak. People get all gaslighty about suicide, oooh it's cause you're weak. Nope. There's just no visible light at the end of the tunnel. People can get stuck in unbearable circumstances. And I remember yours from previous posts. It's no damn tea party.

True, and if nobody ever cared about your feelings, held you close at night, reminded you of the truths of beauty, love, friendship, warmth, you'd find unhealthy coping strategies (drugs/alcohol) or commit suicide under the weight of it all. Only amplifying suffering. Else you become jaded or traumatised and actively inflict more suffering on the world and others. This is a more accurate and holistic view of things. As horrific as child slavery is, child slaves in Africa find moments of joy in their lives. It's also true that bacon and/or a well made salad are delicious. How else does one get fat? All I'm saying is you need both for effective survival, and therefore truth seeking.

https://medium.com/the-collector/where-does-suicide-take-the-soul-883faa98e15e z

maybe it is justified though that i want these pictures to be seen they are my pictures after all they show me at my most vulnerable they show me at my strongest, at the peak success of a lifetime, as screwed-up as that is they're my pictures and i have a right to share them but still it's probably inappropriate and still, it saddens me every time i look at them and know i can't share them all, can't rub them in everybody's faces, from every angle every shot that still couldn't quite capture just how skinny i was imagine skinny, and i was just skinnier than any skinny you would think of i remember what it was like to have that body to meet every sight of my own legs and arms with surprise, at how unreal they were skinnier than any kind of skinny you'd normally imagine if the narcissism comes through now, i apologise like i said, i have no idea if or how harmful this expression is but it's the most honest reflection i can offer of my thoughts regarding this subject matter i think there's this implicit assumption that technically people are only allowed to talk about death (or suicide, for that matter) after it was too late. if they didn't do it, it couldn't have been close enough, they're exaggerating, they're overdoing it. it's been five years, i should suck it up, it couldn't have been that bad if i made it out alive, if i gained back all the weight on my own....yada yada yada. i know these thoughts, and i know they used to be a big trigger point that kept me going, kept me sick for longer, for months and months and years on end, disallowed me to even attempt recovery, disallowed me to dare and let go, to dare and stop hurting myself, to dare and live. these thoughts are a mess, they're not pretty, they're narcissistic. everything's wrong with me. i can only do it wrong, i'm always too much, always exaggerating. i don't care anymore. i'm so sick of holding back, sick of censoring myself. you want honesty? here you go. enjoy the mess, the chaos, enjoy all the selfishness and impurity of my thoughts. it wouldn't do any good pretending like it's not there anyway.

Uneducated people have more children because they’re not thinking in advance about the responsibility of having those children, they’re not interested in taking care of those children, so the father just disappears Educated people avoid having children because they want to give those children, a good quality of life and that requires money I would have 10 children by now if I had the finances to support it But because it’s financially suicide to do so, and I’m too educated to abandon my children, and I live in a country by law that forces me to support those children financial, I will not have children Having children is financial suicide that educated people avoid It’s also responsibility suicide

I'm probably at 30 days and I've definitely "won" the smoking battle ... i'm not smoking anymore. Whether i'm still impacted by symptoms hard to say because other confounding variables right now I am going through severe nervous system burnout due to overworking the last 2 weeks, combined with distress, pressure, trying to do too much and not recovering my nervous system properly as i had to tasx my body last week .. thought i could just pick it up after 2 days woo cold approach work woo everything no i cant GPT helped me understand this, nervous system recovery means you have to destimulate, leave all the pressure put it all away for 3-5 days, long naps, remove chores tasks and form of "micro stress" that would normally be a healthy part of an active life, remove the gym remove it all. I'm intentionally eating a satiating comfort burger and fries, taking long naps and watching a documentary for hours, and i'm going to have to possibly do this for another 3-4 days and emotionally too i need to detach from everything somehow, all my goals fears regrets desires needs tasks chores it's all disappearing, i have completely taxed my body and brain recently and i just need to fucking stop, no more writing no more thinking, just naps documentaries comfort food and and sleep. with my personality type this is the hardest thing I can ever do, might sound just easy and nice to sit around in comfort but to me it's hell, its another few days of not getting closer to who I want to be become, * It FEELS that way but actually it's just necessary for me to recharge No fap is non negotiable, I fapped and killed my 10 day streak last night and it did not help No fap is the no.1 habit among everything and leos biggest blindspot, it's the one aspect in which i wish i was never influenced by this forum, no fap is non negotiable, i will watch a documentary and eat my satiating burger today, i will try rest my mind, try let go, but the no fap will rebuild, and I'm going for 30 days this time, i might even make a separate journal (like this one) on just my no fap rejourny (i used to do it years ago but I lacked other qualities to enable it as a force multiplier, now I'm bringing it back and its completing me, the magnetism, the stares from women, it doesn't fucking lie! I'm not a supermodel, im decent looking but not standout hot, even at 15-16% bodyfat i get stares from 6.5 + women at day 10, not claiming I get constant stares from 10s, but getting stares from 6.5-7s is no small thing because women date up and are very selective, 99% of men dont get stares from even 6s, and its not solely the no fap its also good style and posture and subsconious work but the no fap is the force multiplier that powers everything, it's the electricity transversing the grid Edit ** I tried eating the "comfort food" and it did nothing for me, it did not rest me I tried starting a documentary and the regret, stress, frustration just piles up again and agian and again HOw the fuck does anyone do this? how the fuck does this "Rest" the nervous system? WHy cant i just keep working? Its anxiety abut not moving forward that stresses me, not action AHHH Chat gpt has to be wrong sometimes I've learn another deeper lesson about myself, inaction especially before like 7-8PM, is mental suicide to me, even if i'm technically burnt out, i literally had like a 1-2 hour nap and GPT convicned me to not create "micro stress", what the fuck is this? I have chores to do, i have goals, i have a city to move to, i need to make money, save money, invest money, approach women ... what the fuck man what the fuck this just makes me sooo much more fucking stessed and anxious, just sitting around "recouperating" i'm literally in my 20s not 95 years old? why do this shit absolute hell for my ennegram soul of a being

It's not that you shouldn't hunt, it's that you shouldn't cling; just "fill" what there is to fill. It the uterus who traps, who clings because of its muscles; a penis is like a big vein, it’s not made to cling, just be hard. Normally men tend naturally towards this state of detachment, but it can generate a morbid state of mind, even an inclination towards suicide. The more morbid I am, the less problem I have with women, and the more masculine I am in general, but that can be dangerous for someone who represses mood problems. If what i say is comprehensible.

Just finished it- thought it was pretty good. I like the fluidity and continuous spontaneity- it’s almost like a stream of consciousness-how random each of the scenes are while at the same time intertwining with one another. Certain scenes had an almost psychedelic feel to it- certain glimpses into insanity. What struck me was that we’ve all been there where Nicholas Cages character wasn’t having anything go his way, humiliated constantly and on the brink of rock bottom/suicide- but yet it someone all works out in the end

After Kurt Cobain’s death in 1994, Courtney Love went to Malibu to recover. Celebrity Skin, the Hole album released four years later, is the first major artistic expression to emerge from that period. “Malibu,” its lead single, seems at first like a breezy radio-friendly track - sun-drenched guitars, catchy hooks, easy drive-along pace. But something in it doesn’t sit right. Beneath the polish lies a wound that never healed. The song is not a statement of recovery; it’s a relapse masked as pop. And once you start noticing, you can’t unhear it. It begins with the line: “Crash and burn / all the stars explode tonight.” Already, we are in the climax. Not building up to it - there. The sun has already gone down. The stars are exploding. The catastrophe is not coming. It’s ongoing. The song opens at night - both literally and metaphorically - and the rest is a haze of flashbacks and echoes. In the first verse, the subject seems to be pleading with herself: “Come on, be alive again, don’t lay down and die.” And then, almost immediately, she sings: “Drive away from Malibu.” It sounds like an escape, a promise. Like she’s willing herself to leave the symbolic space of death and detachment. You think: Okay, this is the arc of recovery. She’s making it out. The structure suggests a chorus, but no real release comes. Instead, we sink back into another verse. The song’s architecture refuses catharsis. By the second verse, the identity of the addressed “you” begins to shift. The lines now feel unmistakably directed at Kurt: “Cry to the angels / I’m gonna rescue you / I’m gonna set you free / Tonight.” That tonight - the very same night that opened the song with stars exploding - is the moment when she was supposed to let go, to grieve, to survive. Instead, she slides into delusion. She hasn’t accepted his death. She’s still trying to save him, or rather, to inhabit the fantasy that she could have been the one to save him, if only. In the next lines - “We are all watching you / We watch you slip away” - there’s no ambiguity anymore. She’s witnessing his suicide, retroactively. She confesses: “I knew love would tear you apart / I knew the darkest secret of your heart.” And then, the devastating final turn: “Hey, hey, I’m gonna follow you.” At this point, the song reveals its structure: it’s a loop. Not a narrative of healing, but of haunting. The second verse is a relapse into the traumatic event itself. Love is not singing from recovery, but from within the impossibility of recovery. The fantasy of Malibu as a place for stars to get well collapses into the fantasy of saving Kurt posthumously. She has projected her own pain into this space, trying to become the one who took on the rehab he refused. But it doesn’t work. The sun goes down again. The loop starts over. That one line - “And the sun goes down” - quietly undoes the whole track. Because the song began at night. The sun never rose. If we thought we were heading toward a redemptive sunrise, it was only illusion. Instead, the sun goes down again, and we realize we’ve been circling. Nothing has changed. There was no movement, no healing. Just a return. The voice tells the whole story. It’s subdued, strangely restrained. There is no scream, no catharsis like on Live Through This. The guitars shimmer like daydreams; the production is tight, overglossed. But the voice is haunted. She’s too exhausted to scream. She doesn’t explode. The emotion leaks through the seams, and that’s what makes it so powerful. In the end, “Malibu” isn’t a celebration of recovery or survival. It’s a stunning portrayal of the inability to move on. It’s not a story with resolution but an echo chamber, circling around an absence that cannot be filled. The polished production makes it seem palatable - something to sing along to on the radio - but underneath, it is a tragedy.

“Suicide should never be an option” person A says to person B. Enter person C: “ well, actually, you’re wrong. Suicide is an option if the pros outweigh the cons”. WTF??

The truth that suicide can be the best option is best left unsaid in public forums. It’s weird how this is like the 5th thread I’ve seen around here where this obvious truth is being talked about like it’s some deep insight. Flexing how much cold truth you know around people toying with suicide is immature and dangerous.

Ah yes, sorry for the confusion. If you perused the dialogue that followed between Miguel1& I, I did backtrack. I was hasty. Terminal health cases where quality of life is non-existent are a good example of a case for suicide. I sensed the desire for the OP to harm themselves, so I was mainly acting out in an attempt to protect themselves from a terrible mistake

And if you have a disease that destroys your body little by little? Well, I guess you'd have to go through it like a mission. It's part of our path here, and we have to drink the glass to the end. That's what my intuition tells me now, but maybe in some specific case suicide would appear as what I have to do

Sounds like an interesting experience . The Japanese are fascinating, very difficult to understand. They seem like a very repressed culture, where everything is ritualistic. They're absolutely horrified at not meeting social standards, and where the main value is the repression of instincts in order to fit into the social framework. And then there's the whole hara-kiri thing... In no other culture has suicide been an institution. Not to mention their sexual fantasies. Very different than any other culture.

Just because they’re not openly advocating for the extermination of Latinos or whatever (although go on Twitter and you’ll see countless accounts expressing that exact sentiment), doesn’t mean their worldview isn’t fundamentally baked in anti-human white supremacy. A Nazi who “only” wants to deport every black and brown person from America regardless of the human cost is still a Nazi, they don’t need the death camps and swastika logos to prove this. A radical Islamist who calls for the death of the West and the final victory of Islam is still a radical Islamist, even if they don’t openly try to suicide bomb people (but then again they probably have obvious connections to groups who do.) It’s a sinister game of deflect and deny and I’m honestly tired of pretending that illegal mass ethnic deportations are “ok” just because the people doing so aren’t also waging war on Poland or whatever.

@Never_give_up thanks for opening up. All these things you mentioned can be improved .you just don't how yet .so the situation is not hopeless like someone who has a cancer .so the two points I asked you whether they apply to your life situation or not are not intact. By your own admission you said you feel slightly better right now . So I would say that means you are going to stick around for a while and not kill yourself just yet . I dealt with the question of suicide early on in my teen years . I just discovered that life is just a piece of shit and you just suffer and die in the end anyways so what's the fucking point of grinding and suffering for 60 or 70 or 80 years then die anyways..?..why not just kill myself and rest in peace? The answer is complex : 1- you do not know what happens after death . Maybe you incarnate as a jew in Hitler's Nazi era . Maybe you incarnate as a cow in a slaughter shop . So how do you know that death will end your suffering and not just increases it? I'm sure you reasoned with yourself this point . 2-it is not true that life is pure shit. You can't deny that happiness exist . And hope exist .People who kill themselves do so because they are hopeless. You need to find a source of hope .that could be God..Going to the church ..prayer ..practicing gratitude..etc Hope you live long fullfling life with peace brother 🙏.

@Natasha Tori Maru if what you are saying is true ..then why people commit suicide? Look at these suicide statistics https://afsp.org/suicide-statistics/ Don't delete yourself. Watch Leo's videos and work on improving your life everyday . Can you please open up about why you want to suicide?

I appreciate that you are speaking from experience. Btw why do you think you "incarnate" into a worse situation if you suicide? And what "evidence" do you have for that? I use evidence here more loosely... As in how did you come to believe this over time.

There are definitely cases where suicide is and should be the answer. And those cases are more than you would believe. It’s a fantasy to think that we are in such a world where suicide is never the answer.

This post really did something and hit me right in the heart I repressed my situation for so long, making myself believe that I didn't have it that hard or wasn't traumatised so hard and that I should man up because others have it so much worse But I basically dont believe i have a shot anymore at women for various reasons, mostly medical This post did something to me because I am one of those fantasizing about suicide and hurting women, basically everyday Been reading blackpill stuff since 18 in 2018, got off it at times but it always came back, especially after my medical issues started arising and i lost all hope I guess it's obvious that I am bottom of the barrel if I read this post and what kind of people are like this I've been repressing the pain and desperation with hate I'm afraid to die alone sometimes I am afraid that I would go through with hurting myself or others Like I shared in a previous post, I even got involved in nazi ideology and jihadi ideology, like i literally thought about joining *SIS - suicidal thoughts got me thinking about hell and jihadi thought says, you can die in battle and go to heaven and have all the girls you ever wanted, but if you kill yourself you go to hell forever And I just hate society and wanted to lash out With love of Truth and epistemology i pulled myself out mentally and actually see the world for what it is now mostly, even though that's a lot more blackpilling than normie worldview or even radicalised worldview, can't blame anything anymore Just nihilism but the remnants of hate remain even though and I feel a satanic identity growing, powered by nihilism and rage I'm pretty much at my wits end sometimes I feel like going on an endless pelgrimage, not committing suicide but just giving up on life, not planning anything, and just walking and die somewhere in nature, whether its in weeks, months, years or decades Like Gautama Buddha did, just give up on everything, including life, but not Truth, in a sense it's such a liberating and even cosmically spiritual idea Because life in this society doesn't feel liveable anymore Or turn into a devil and wreak havoc on this world, I won't lie, I fantasize about it I'm not sure who to talk to about this The thought of life being a dream and nihlism is so weird, like could I really just kill myself and be done with it and have my next life be how i want it? or would i go to hell? suicide feels wrong, like you're running away from the challenge, but is that even a real objection? does God even care if you hold on through it all? is there a reward for that? ============== The "funny" thing is, I was stuck in the mud from a young age, but fought and things got better, and my stats like height and looks are not even bad, just average, if not slightly above average, and got better over time, like i used to be really fat but im not now and even though i went through a lot of shit , even mental health shit and addiction shit from 2019-2022 i kept fighting and in the start of 2023 I felt better than ever, mentally and physically, and really felt like this is my time, blackpill wasn't on my mind at all "I'm going to get money, develop myself, talk to a lot of girls and get better at it!" And If it'd all happened that way I would have had major success by now probably, even though by compensating with money and fitness for my average looks, who cares but in june 2023 I got hit with medical complications hitting my face, facial nerves, tongue, jaw, from a festering tooth infection, and now inflammation on one side of my face is just constant and I have semiconstant dysarthria (unable to talk normally at most times), salvia coming, cramps in the face, nerve system issues including panic (not panic attacks but more a lingering panic and confusion), and just constant pain and inflammation I look like a fool and can't socialize and feel extremely ashamed only drugs like cocaine fix it temporarily(nerve system stimulants) but i'm not gonna be on fucking cocaine, and it doesn't fix all the issues, like I was with a girl 1.5 years ago on cocaine and she was the first girl in years i had a chance with and i tried to kiss her and my fucking tongue just couldn't stick out properly been to doctors who can't find anything, even though they don't really seem to care Ever since been getting back into blackpill and how women just care about looks and if you're a strong socializer and networker, and just having very negative views about women and my looks and my personality I don't even wanna die but it feels like I have nothing to live for atp except not dying for my family Sometimes solipsism, which I basically know is true, makes this super hard to live for others even though I know solipsism doesn't work that way, from a human sense nothing changes Looking back on it getting into those radical ideologies was just escaping from nihilism and solipsism because it felt like it was leading to my suicide, and religious thought gives you a reason to live even if you're in constant pain I feel like just walking indefinitely and give up Why are women so fucking beautiful man, their beauty hits like nothing else, like an angel of death Sean Kingston wasn't lying Somehow I am getting stronger one hand, quit weed and cigarettes for 5 months now and never looked back and working out regularly but it also feels like i'm just letting go of the cope and just facing my suicide IDK anymore man

Hard disagree with this and your post above. Suicide is never the answer. 1) there is always a solution, it's you're frame and perspective that is limited 2) pain and suffering are just part of this existence I've had a hard enough life to seriously entertain suicide. Things changed. You just don't know what life has coming.

@Never_give_up also stop kidding yourself about killing yourself. commiting suicide seems really logical only if: 1-there is literally no other solution to your problem in life even in theory . 2-the pain you are experiencing in life is bigger than fear of death . Are these two applicable to your life situation?

Very personal question. Prefacing this with the obvious that what follows below is pure belief. Additionally, I have been tainted due to being an experiencer, which altered my beliefs fundamentally. I believe the brain 'channels' consciousness. When the brain expires, the consciousness still remains - sort of like a broken radio. This radio is gone, dead, never to return. But the radio waves, broadcasts and channels, remain. So if the brain is harmed, consciousness is altered. I believe the consciousness that inhabited my particular form will return to harvest more experience in another body at a later time. The knowledge the consciousness accumulated in the previous form is then built on in the next one. This facilitates growth & experience. To know thyself. Every part of this illusion of reality is a lesson and there is something to be learned. If I do not learn from the experience, the event is repeated over and over until I can see the frequency, the cause & effect, then isolate and learn from it. Master it to alter it. This ties into my other belief that we are here to learn to use, control, influence & manipulate energy. Whether that is in the form of matter or energy is no matter. Emotions, feelings, light, sound, concrete, sex, food. All just energy in different forms. Suicide is no way out. I view it as a short circuit. You didn't achieve what you needed to in the current form, so you will return again in a lower state to learn the lesson again. I view suicide as anti-God. Most souls do not want to actually kill themselves - they just want to end their current circumstances. And circumstances are ever changing. This life, this experience, this body - it is a gift. And although there is suffering embedded into this reality, there is also joy, as it is an ever changing, flowing pattern. So, I guess I believe in reincarnation.