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@Nahm The most of my anger could be summed up to: There is this colorful painful game I did not choose to play. No way out. And no legitimate way to alter this garbage life. There is no "Exit" button to permanent nothingness. God is the worst programmer that is. Stuck in his software. Should lose his job. What an idiot. He is so idiotic, that even after 100s of books and 1000s hours of spiritual practice he is still lost in his dream. Still does not recognize himself. This idiot did not recognize himself even after 150 GOD MODE TRIPS! WHAT AN IDIOT!

This is typical. Many different kinds of mystical states exist, and most of them are temporary. You can't really hold on to a positive state. Which is why the ultimate goal of awakening is to transcend all states by realizing Nothingness. If your happiness is contingent on a high state, then you'll lose it as soon as your state drops. Which is why chasing states becomes a trap.

Meditate for an hour every morning. Keep returning attention to breathing from the stomach. Days add up to a disciplined mind. All suppressed emotions will empty. It will be realized there never was a problem, just the believing of thoughts that didn’t feel good. A simpler way to say that is there is presently little to no focus. It could be said to be trained, by letting thoughts go, by focusing on breathing from the stomach and relaxing. Down the road so to speak, that explanation will eat itself. ’The mind’ goes to such great lengths to avoid this, ultimately rooted in the fear of death, or nothingness. In hindsight, you’ll see humor in having been afraid, of nothing. Before letting go though, people typically weave more thought stories, continuing to believe thinking leads to feeling. Alas, it is clearly seen that feeling can not be thought.

Thing is though Leo, none of my best enlightenment breakthroughs have come from a formal meditation session, it's been when I'm doing inquiry. The questioning I'm talking about is referred to formally as "inquiry" or self-inquiry although I see no difference between those things for myself. Just sitting down normally in a chair, paying attention to my experience thoughts and questions, letting them expand and watching. The "altered state" I enter, if you call it that, is probably very different from the blissful state someone on psychedelics has, but it is definitely legit. I don't know how deep others have gone ofc and am open to the possibility of them or myself going infinitely deeper. I know for sure there is a kernel of truth here to the distinction Jed Mckenna makes between mysticism and enlightenment. Since I've experienced the two in isolation from each other, to various degrees for temporary periods of time, and can see. Hell, I had an unmistakable enlightenment breakthrough very recently but it wasn't some mystical high. It was a high for a bit but not completely. Wrote this yesterday: --- So what I'm primarily talking about here are the misconceptions people have about enlightenment and it improving yourself. I feel that's partially at the core of what's behind people who make the distinction between enlightenment and mysticism. I suppose that's at the crux of this, me making a distinction between enlightenment and mysticism and self improvement. I'll end this on the note that maybe I'm using other people's foolishness about what enlightenment and mysticism means as justification for my own foolishness. Either way, whatever I say or you say in this or that words, the result is the same. "Back to work" ------- The real motivation behind everything I've typed is that I'm terrified of the nothingness and am distracting myself back into fantasy because I'm still in shock from what I've seen. Unbelievable, this all feels unreal. I'm so accustomed to the mundane and trivial that I can't believe I'm seeing the actual truth of things. The reason 99.999% of us, including me, got into this work was so that we could play the game of "The quest to enlightenment". My ego wanted to enjoy and feel good about myself. I didn't really want enlightenment. I think there comes a point for a lot of us where we reach the point of no return, no turning back. You've seen too much and things can never be the same. - Ramana Maharshi

Introduction: This trip begin going over surface level (deep in their own way) psychological material, but quickly transitioned into a powerful awakening into the nature of Self-Love. The first phase of the trip was quite painful and fearful. It was like the mushrooms were surging all of my negativity and insecurities, making me acknowledge them all at once in a twisted incoherent kind of way. It was not pleasant at all. Set: To understand how to love myself, to understand Self-Love Setting: My House Themes that emerged: - Transcending Success and Failure - My Psychological Shadow - Meditation as a Sacred Space - Interconnected Metta - Infinite Self-Love Transcending Success and Failure One of the most powerful insecurities I have is that my work will never be acknowledged or really impactful for humanity. I fear that all of the hours I put into the pursuit of my life purpose is will result in nothing more than a failure on all accounts. I’m terrified of having to work a corporate job the rest of my life just to stay afloat barely paying off my student loans and affording the ever-rising cost of living. I recently went through a pretty big mental shift with making YouTube videos, and spent a metric fuckton of time on this new style of video, exploring my creativity, trying new things and really pouring my heart into its creation. Yet after posting the video, it barely got over 50 views, a complete failure as far as YouTube is concerned. But I learned something on this trip. Success and failure do not mean anything from the perspective of God. Every intention I create to love myself and those around me, every action I take that works towards raising the consciousness of humanity is playing a role. Even though I cannot always see, feel, or understand how the impact my presence and energy gives the world, my influence is there. Every action is completely interconnected with the whole. Every cause is an effect, every effect is a cause. My being where I am is completely dependent on the rest of the universe, and yet being where I am is why the universe is the way it is at all. I don’t really know how to describe this other than that the actions I take form casual chains which irreducibly connect with the rest of humanity and the entire universe. The most powerful way I can influence this world is with my mind, with the purity and honesty of my intention, which is to help the world become more consciousness, more loving, more aligned with Truth. It does not matter at all whether I am successful with my ultimate goals, whether my karma is the remain a wage slave for the rest of my life. What matters is that I travel within, and do everything in my power to spread compassion and kindness into those around me. The rest must be left to God and I have to work towards understanding that all is exactly as it is, no less, no more, pure absolute perfection. This insight is difficult to accept as a self because it goes against the desires for success, fame, happiness, security, the joy of working towards what you love. Sometimes life isn’t meant to be famous or impact for the world, but these scales of influence are only valid relative to the perspective of ego. From the perspective of God, the actions and intentions I set are what move the cosmos, not the magnitude of what one individual lifetime achieves. My Psychological Shadow As I mentioned, my intention was to explore what true absolute Self-Love was really all about. I realized that these aspects of my mind which are hedonistic, selfish, cruel, angry, attached to various outcomes are not something to be denied. To transcend these shadow elements of the mind isn’t to simply ignore and suppress the energy that exists. I’ve been journaling a lot about my journey to let go of my addiction to PMO and porn, and one of the insights I had on this trip was that I’ve been suppressing my sexual self by attempting this whole no fap thing. I saw how unhealthy it was to not honor that authentic biological element of the mind. As long as there exists an authentic desire to explore sexual energy, the suppression of masturbation and orgasm is just that – suppression. All this does is turns an element of the mind into a psychological shadow which will warp one’s relationship with orgasm, sex, and self-pleasure. Similarly, this can be said for all shadow elements of the mind. The way to transcend these elements is not through distraction, or willful suppression. Instead it’s through acceptance and love. This is extremely challenging to pull off, but for example, when you feel a surge of anger or anxiety arising it’s not your job to try and get rid of these feelings through will power. Your job is to honor these feelings as being valid and ok. This doesn't mean you need to act on them, as in the case of anger it can be quite destructive. Instead, it means you can feel them fully and send as much love to them as possible through a position of meta observation, recognizing you are the witness to these emotional states, not them in and of themselves. In the case of masturbation, I can honor this sexual energy. But see, when I’m perpetually ignoring and trying to rid myself of the energy, there is no transcendence. Quite frankly, I don’t need 90 day’s worth of accumulated sexual energy to work towards my goals. This is a misunderstanding of effort, focus, and achieving flow states. Perhaps some of the no fapstranauts need the 90 days, I definitely do not. It turned into suppression no different than if I had been suppressing anger, which I’ve done in the past. Overall this experience felt incredibly healing and loving towards my sexual self and health, as well as a more mature relationship with the shadow elements of my own mind. In the case of sex, porn is a problem for sure, but masturbation is an opportunity for self-connection and exploring one’s sexual energy. This can be done in a healthy or unhealthy way. In the case of other shadow elements, when I find myself angry or lazy, for example, sending myself love and awareness is not only the first step towards healing these dysfunctions, but is the foundation. If I am not sending myself love even in my moments of disappointment, I will be able to self-actualize. Meditation as a Sacred Space During the trip, I tried listening to music, but literally anything I listened to whether it was healing frequencies or really calm music was just irritating and anxiety inducing. I decided to just turn all music and sound off and sit in silence. I was just laying down on my floor staring up at the ceiling, completely present and in the now. I began meditating in a savasana position for what felt like hours. I was literally just staring up into the ceiling being the present moment. I realized that this state I’d entered into felt sacred. Not necessarily that it was special… Or particularly important… But the stillness, the presence, the silence all felt sacred somehow. The significance I give to the psychedelic state is the same significance I should give meditation. Both are deeply intertwined and while each produce different states of consciousness, both amplify the consciousness directly, producing a space of connectivity with the true Self. Essentially, I’ve been underestimating the importance and role meditation plays with the pursuit of enlightenment... I don’t know what else to say other than even when meditation is boring, makes you feel worse, and otherwise feels like a complete waste of time, it is not. It gives the mind the space needed to vomit up its excessive energy and be at peace with both itself and with the true Self. Moreover, I’ve since stopped trying to produce states in meditation. I felt a very powerful intuitive pull to continue using a simple do nothing/surrender approach. All striving and chasing for a particular meditative state is honestly useless. This state chasing is antithetical towards reaching a state of true inner peace, which is very twisty and paradoxical. For a long time I was pursuing the techniques outlined in The Mind Illuminated, which I do not regret at all and feel was huge contributor towards my mind’s development, but even this system has to be let go of. The states of boredom and suffering are working in the same way that these meditations induced bliss states are working. I think a concentration practice is good for beginners, but eventually this all needs to be let go of. At least for me it does. Overall, meditation is the path towards the Self and regarding it as anything less than is a misunderstanding of its sacred nature. Interconnected Metta This is where things got incredibly deep, heart wrenchingly deep. While I was staring into the ceiling, a mantra for a loving kindness meditation came into awareness, “May all beings be free from suffering. May all beings be free from ill will. May all beings be filled with loving kindness. May all beings be truly happy.” I finally understood the true power of these words. As the words spoke, I had visions of thousands and thousands of monks, yogis, enlightened masters from various times, perhaps across various realities beyond this particular Universe (this is what it “felt” like, an extremely cosmic state), who spent their lives pursuing liberation yet chose to stay behind to help the rest of the world awaken, those who took the path of the Bodhisattva, which is defined in Mahayana Buddhism as “a person who is able to reach nirvana but delays doing so out of compassion in order to save suffering beings.” I felt the sacrifice these types of beings created within themselves, the overwhelming compassion and love they possessed for all sentient beings. I was overcome with a heart crushing amount of humility as I metaphorically sat in the eyes of these beings, these true masters. Their intentions where so powerful, their hearts so full of love that this intention for all beings to reach nirvana (be free of suffering) carried into my life. In that moment, I realized that because these enlightened masters are none of other than myself, this intention was an intention I was setting and had already set for myself across life times. As I sit in the present moment, this intention for love and awakening rests inside of consciousness. Literally, this intention transcends their individual lives and ripples into the lives of all beings including mine. I’ve never felt more love in my life and the mind fuck was that it was love for myself, outside of myself, but from myself. The opportunity to pursue this work is a privilege and I honestly feel humbled at the degrees of love capable of consciousness and awakened beings. I feel embarrassed at how much compassion and love they have for me despite not being able to reciprocate in any meaningful degree. Moving forward I will be making the practice of metta a much higher priority. Sending this love towards strangers that I meet and have next to no interaction with, as well as those already in my life. Infinite Self-Love So in this moment of feeling a sense of separation with enlightened masters and myself, the duality collapsed into total oneness. I was pure love. Pure, empty, void, nothingness which I knew was none other than Self-Love. I was so loving that all forms of experience were permitted. My mind and heart reacted in such a way that might come across as feelings of bliss and human egoic love, but these were merely reactions to the metaphysical nature of what true Self-Love is all about which is a total and utter surrender to reality. On the one hand, I ask from the bottom of my heart “May all beings be free of suffering,” but on the other, I know that even this is a part of what it means to love myself. The paradox that I want nothing more than for the world to awaken, but that in its state of ignorance I love just as much. These trials and tribulations of suffering, the lives of those who have been tortured, raped, molested, are not wasted or a mistake. My own suffering is not a mistake. They are merely reflections of what it means to truly love myself in all its totality and to admit this truth is one of the hardest parts of the spiritual journey. I am crying right now as I write this, but there is no other way to sugar coat it. Self-love is the total infinite surrender of the mind in all its dissecting and attachment with the surrendering of the heart to infinite love for all manifestations of consciousness. There is only perfection, there is only you. I got up off my floor and went to my back deck to be with a tree. My body somehow was spontaneously able to enter into a full lotus without a meditation cushion and zero pain. I just sat with this infinite love for all things. In that moment there was nothing else to pursue or discover, only oneness, only consciousness, only love. I sat with myself staring into the yard, the sun was setting and shining on my face, streaming off the surrounding nature. I remember being absorbed in the silence, listening to the wind blow and grass rustle as they gently whispered, reminding, “This life is just a beat in the heart of God.”

I know this is it. But It is completely empty. It's nothing. Once again I've been shocked into "higher consciousness". I see everything is made out of nothing. I wanted this to be a "positive" experience but that was fake grasping. It hit me whilst I was intensely brooding and concentrating on my experience. At first I felt some joy, as I felt like whatever it was I was trying to overcome had been lessened, and I tried to morph the experience of complete nothingness into something good. For moments I felt joy. I felt joy and thought that existence itself was a blessing, that I'm lucky to exist and lucky to have something rather than nothing. It's the joyous news! There's something despite nothing! How great! But now later here I am. My life is suffering. Seeing this nothingness, I know, I know, I will never die. And I'm terrified. And there's just this meaninglessness. And I will just exist as this pure meaninglessness nothing forever? There's nothing here, and there will never not be nothing. And so I'm immortal. I'm in a state of shock to be honest. Can't believe any of this is real. I'm used to living in the world of fantasy, fiction, and the trivial. But this is everything. But I can't accept it and I'm in denial. I can't believe this isn't a dream, can't believe that this is really it. This enlightened state does nothing to improve your ego. Anyone thinking it does hasn't seen the true face of this all. My costume, my ego, it's all the exact same. Not a single bit has changed. Only difference is that some sense sees my own character and everyone else as an NPC, a fake character. ---- It's crazy how full circle I've gone. I felt this way back when I was 13 and was a religious muslim high on Islam, high on prayer and mystical experiences. The terror of eternity and imagining an existence of forever. Now here I am. Everything and nothing has a changed at the same time. --- No one can hold your hand, no one can make the emptiness go away. It's just you. It's your show. It's strange how I'm much more animated and joyful in my interactions with people when to a certain extent I feel dead. But I'm still terrified and in shock, despite the exterior appearance of fluidity to anyone who talks to me. Very weird. Existence is strange.

You know how in math both sides of the '=' sign have to be equal and can be resolved to 0? I had this insight like that is what is happening with reality. There is nothing. But then on both sides of the "=" you can make up numbers. Therefore at first glance, it appears like there is a lot, but in actuality, there is nothing. For example; 0 0=0 (add 15 on each side) 15 = 15 (multiply by 3 each side) 15 x 3 = 15 x 3 (divide by 7) (15 x 3)/7 = (15 x 3)/7 Look at all this form that is created! Oh, it is actually still nothingness?

This is an NDE on the NDERF website Stephen T NDE Home Classification NDE 1308 Stephen T NDE 3359 Experience Description 1. Surfing incident 2. Caught in a trough under water in huge surf. 3. Panic knowing I am going to drown. 4. Realized I had to give up, could not hold breath any longer. 5. Sudden calmness and resignation; loss track of body. 6. Clear and graphic life review as if certain events were cataloged. 7. Visualized a large green blue circle with a feeling of depth but did not look like tunnel. 8. Suddenly found myself in a large hall with a stone bath being washed by humanoid aliens; very peaceful (this was certainly a subjective illusion). 9. Sudden transformation into a realm of timeless Absolute Beauty, Absolute Love and Absolute Infinity. The radiance was literally unbearable. 10. Absolute forgiveness, non-judgment, non-duality, timeless, no blame or retribution, no sin karma and no reincarnation. No God as there was no subject or object of attention I AM That. 11. Beyond science, religion, spirituality, new age phantasmagoria. This is the most real insight of my whole life and clearly remains with me after thirty years. In my hippy years experimented with drugs e.g. acid however nothing, but nothing, compares with this insight. Also came across a similar state during meditation. Somewhere in this process, I became conscious of the fact that I must return to the world and play out my allotted role. This really pissed me off. As I crawled up the beach, I really didn't want to be here and in many ways have just been waiting for this lot to finish. 12. Theoretical implications: a) Absolute Infinity is a fact; George Cantors set theory provides sound theoretical evidence of the mathematical context of infinity. (We do not create infinity it is literally thrust upon us and is therefore absolutely necessary.) Hugh Everett's many worlds interpretation of particle wave duality; Max Tegmark's theoretical application to infinite universes. See also John Barrow 'Pi in the Sky' and Rudy Rucker's 'Infinity and Mind'. Evolution is asymmetrical, that is the billion to one symmetry violation at the origins (matter/antimatter) of the universe supervenes through complexification and self-organization onto Darwinian selection as a bias for pleasure over pain. Evolution is not value neutral. Given infinite universes non-denumerable infinity tells us that every moment must exist infinitely for all possible sum over histories (Richard Feynman) for all possible universes. (Will be pushing for space here.) Given infinite universes and infinite sentient civilizations infinite civilizations will survive for vast time scales eventually resolving into Absolute Infinity and Absolute Love. This state of beingness is a permanent aspect of every part of existence. Science has become shackled to skepticism and the narrow constraints of a very primitive epoch in the scheme of biological and silicon based evolution. Ray Kurweil demonstrates the capacity of potentiation in his demonstration of cosmological, computational and exponential technological growth. We will eventually drop the distinction between artificial and carbon based intelligence for new cohesive constructs far beyond our current capacity to visualize. As cells in our bodies are not conscious of our bodies, our self-conscious minds are not cognizant of the Absolute because we are bound by cognitive duality. Consciousness is dualistic and narrative based whereas awareness is timeless and immediate. Yet for anything to exist, whether subjective or objective, they must inevitably be absolute necessary aspects of a perfect existence. One also has to take into account the profound paradox of time (quantum block time) relativistic twin paradox, matter antimatter time vector reversal etc. we really don't know much. The axis of existence proceeds from the Pervasive Ground (unified field) through Manifest Material Reality and onto Infinite Potentiality. Existence is an Infinite Web of context and though the local universe has some 10 to the 26 bits of information they overlap and furthermore are connected non-locally. Existence is not constructed of finite locatable things it is a nonlinear process of textural flow and integration. Lot more I could add however gives the gist of what I am on about. Hid in a corner all these years however when saw this site decided to have a stab at explaining my NDE. I have written extensively but not published. Who, after all is interested in radical and revisionary ideas. After all they forced Thomas Kuhn into a corner. Our current epoch is incommensurable with a civilization two hundred two thousand, two million or a billion years older. Plenty more where this came from. It's time to wake up and go beyond the magic and mythology of religion and the primitive egocentrism of science. Background Information: Gender: Male Date NDE Occurred: 1967 NDE Elements: At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes Accident On a surfing trip - near drowning Life threatening event, but not clinical death Nearly drowned. Coughing and spluttering I somehow managed to get to shore and crawl out of the water having given up all hope as I was clearly convinced that I was drowning. I truly thought I was a finished. How do you consider the content of your experience? Wonderful Did you feel separated from your body? Yes I lost awareness of my body How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal As above. At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? When I literally died to my old self and was wrapped in Absolute Love and Absolute Forgiveness. I do not look through my eyes anymore what sees is beyond my poor confused self-conscious mind. The looking through is not mine it is boundless non-dual timeless and perfect. See ya later God. Were your thoughts speeded up? Incredibly fast Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning Timeless. It was shock to emerge from immediate awareness to consciousness. I most certainly did not die and here of course lie the rub. However it is relatively easy to demonstrate that every moment always exists for all probable and possible moments infinitely therefore whatever is flowing through this lot is not the surface structure we identify with. Kant phenomena, noumenon or more to the point Nagajuna's such-ness, nothingness and non-duality. Were your senses more vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. Though there were intense and awe inspiring feelings something much deeper was operating and has remained to this day. No person can have ownership and no religion lay claim to Absolute Love. The body just didn't warrant attention. Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. It was not like hearing but somehow directly intuiting without the necessity for language. The narrative comes afterwards and by heavens one must be absolutely vigilant not to pollute the direct experience. Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? Yes, and the facts have been checked out Did you pass into or through a tunnel? Uncertain Saw a blue green circle but did not pass through a tunnel. Did you see any beings in your experience? I actually saw them Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? Yes In the early stages I was bathed by some aliens beings. However, when I had the insight into Absolute Love everything with shape and form disappeared and had absolutely no relevance. The experience included: Void The experience included: Light Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin Did you see an unearthly light? Yes Everything was light however it was not white, yellow, or black, it was pure radiance and for a timeless moment I was that radiance. Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm It is strange to look back and realize that the effects of the event continue to change my life and conception of existence on regular basis. When I write a book or article and finish it it is as if, even with all the research, I actually did nothing. It has taken to the middle years of my life to fully integrate the intellectual and experiential in a rigorous manner. Something unspoken operates beyond the self-conscious mind. Sounds whaky I know but I gotta another set of eyes. This is where the old narrative goes bottom up. Working in welfare sort of reflects a doing because it has to be done. Choiceless Freedom. so many damn dimensions and textures its downright spooky. The experience included: Strong emotional tone What emotions did you feel during the experience? Love, Love, Love, Love, Love, Joy, Joy, Joy, Joy, Bliss, Bliss, Bliss, Bliss. Absolute Forgiveness, total equity and complete union. Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness Did you have a feeling of joy? incredible joy Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world The experience included: Special Knowledge Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about the universe The experience included: Life review Did scenes from your past come back to you? My past flashed before me, out of my control I don't think I learned anything from the experience what did happen was that I realized what I was doing, and still am doing nothing, even though I have to continue on with the trials and tribulations of life like everyone else. Absolute Love takes no prisoners you either imbibe non-judgment, and absolute forgiveness with a still mind or carry on with the useless narrative of self-justification. It is not to be learned it is to be lived. Did scenes from the future come to you? Scenes from the world's future All events exist right here and now (quantum mechanics and time) however insight steps into the timeless occasion of immediate perfection while witnessing the temporal flow of relative material reality. One could not remain in awareness because self was, and is still, irrevocably tied to material reality. To a non-dualist there is no spirit or soul because insight is subject less, objectless beginning-less and endless. At death my relative absence will be my absolute presence Nisargadatta Maharaj. Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will God, Spiritual and Religion: What was your religion prior to your experience? Liberal none Have your religious practices changed since your experience? No Religion just does not cut the mustard. Absolute Love can have no relationship with evil, devil, hell, purgatory, sin, karma, retribution, or any type of judgment blame and retribution. When they drop their absurd beliefs and magical mythical ranting then their ideologies will become redundant. By this stage, religions will be left with a whole lot of empty book covers. Absolute Love cannot be possessed or turned to any religious or political purpose. Either we love or we don't love easy peasy. Then we can party and just learn to love and care for each other on a truly equitable basis. What is your religion now? Liberal none Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? No Religion just does not cut the mustard. Absolute Love can have no relationship with evil, devil, hell, purgatory, sin, karma, retribution, or any type of judgment blame and retribution. When they drop their absurd beliefs and magical mythical ranting then their ideologies will become redundant. By this stage, religions will be left with a whole lot of empty book covers. Absolute Love cannot be possessed or turned to any religious or political purpose. Either we love or we don't love easy peasy. Then we can party and just learn to love and care for each other on a truly equitable basis. The experience included: Presence of unearthly beings Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin Did you see deceased or religious spirits? I actually saw them Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion: During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Yes In fact this is the real bummer. When one steps outside of religion and yet admires science but sees beyond its limitations one's circle of friends becomes decidedly small. Universities philosophy and psychology departments are definitely not welcoming. Non-dual insight becomes a socially isolating. Recently tied to converse with atheists. Boy what a bunch of fundamentalists they have turned out to be. If you blow your own bags you are arrogant and misinformed if you shut up you're an introvert. Judgment, judgment everywhere judgment. Something is certainly doing I do not know what. Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes After such a profound insight one wants to be a do-gooder and save the world however reality soon kicks in. It took a certain amount of time to realize that it is how I act in the world and what I do that assists in making the world a better place not how I attempt to change others based upon some conceptual prejudice. Reality certainly is not fair so we just have to learn to live with it and let evolution take its requisite path. After the NDE: Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes I have spent my life working as a counselor and program manager. Studied many religious, philosophical and science based thinkers. Only two areas come to mind. The non-dualist Advaita Vedantist teacher Nisragdatta Maharaj (who rejected all religious dogma) and the approach taken by Alan Watts in his book 'The Way of Zen'. I completely reject hell, purgatory, sin, evil, damnation, judgment, blame, retribution, karma and reincarnation. Essentially the dualistic contradictory notion of God is to be voided. Absolute Infinity and Absolute Love are completely non-dual and non-judgmental. There was also a Polish Jew on a television program about NDE's who experienced Absolute Love unreservedly forgiving Nazi perpetrators. I just cried at the recognition of this wonderful man who intuited Absolute Love. I have also written extensively on Insight and Infinity however have not bothered to publish. Paradoxically, one soon learns that dogma free Absolute Forgiveness and Absolute Love either scares the hell out of many dogma bound individuals or becomes victim to scientific skepticism, scientific determinism and logical empiricism. So one soon learns to keep one's mouth shut. In my work as a counselor, I regularly use my understanding when I feel it is appropriate to assist in relieving a client's sense of hopelessness and despair. A substantial number of my clients either consider suicide or have made various attempts. We desperately need a contemporary meta-theory that is neither beholding to religion or science however it must fit within the purview of current scientific understanding. I am yet to find a satisfactory outlet for these ideas. Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? No My ability to network ideas seemed to take off. Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? Nothing in my life has had the significance of the NDE and some meditation experiences that happened later. No doubt, no fear of death and a total comprehension of non-judgment. No one creates their realities life is conditioned by hereditary and socialized contingencies and if you are born in the first world then your lottery tickets certainly came up. The relative world demands a certain amount of legal accountability and responsibility and we need suitable constraints. However, the deep ocean of the Absolute is absolutely forgiving and absolutely non-judgmental. Remove judgment and reduce inner turmoil resulting in peace and equanimity. Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes Be very, very careful the world is full of skeptics. Luckily my partner also had a NDE and out of the body experience so we at least have each other. Very useful when dealing with those clients who feel hopelessness and despair. I have worked with youth, drug addicts, families, mental health clients, domestic violence victims, service veterans and have found a deep need for a revisionary understanding of our place in existence beyond the magical and mythological assertions of religions and the self-imposed nihilism of scientific empiricism. Though I have not published this is the area I would most certainly like to move into. Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? Uncertain I was a pretty spacey kid living in a fantasy world and always intuited the vastness of things. So I was very curious from an early age. Had some vague knowledge of NDE but nothing concrete. What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real There are no illusions or delusion in reality for if there were contingent things then they could not necessarily occur. Nothing has changed. We continually confuse description with explanation however as Kurt Godel and recently Gregory Chaitin have demonstrated incompleteness is implicit within reality. We require an infinite hierarchy of descriptive and explanatory belts to explain reality and this is impossible. Insight looks back and witnesses without the duality of mental narrative. All things are accessible but not through language or symbolic representation. As there is only the emptiness and fullness of the Absolute we are all of Absolute Infinity and Absolute Love. In insight there are no degrees of separation and therefore no soul no spirit, no God, no heaven, no Hell for we are all THAT. What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real It makes me laugh that people have the gall to label events objectively real or subjectively illusory when to happen they must be real within their own context. It is not the veracity of the occurrence rather it is how that event is interpreted. If there is an infinite network of interpretations then, just maybe, watching and witnessing will generate a non-verbal understanding of our place in existence free from the labels real or illusory. Don't tell me the Absolute is not real because nothing can exist if it is not Absolutely Necessary. Everything subjective and objective is therefore necessary and given vast time scales and potentialities the texture of the web of context is indeed infinite thus we have Absolute Infinity. A word of caution. The classical argument against infinity is that it is a subjective human construct. Well here we go Mr. smarty pants philosopher infinity is thrust upon us through associational contexts between mind and word yet it is somehow an artifact of human reason. Get over it. Max Tegmark (Scientific American) does a brilliant job of refuting this erroneous argument. At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? Yes Other than drug free meditation and arts based experience nothing has come near to my NDE. I did have a meditation experience, which was similarly profound and even more enduring. The beauty of this event is that it was not induced by NDE or any form of drug stimulus. Tried Acid, marijuana and eckies in my hippy days however they are just very poor substitutes. In some ways having worked in drug and alcohol I can see what people are looking for unfortunately it isn't going to happen.

I believe when we die it’s just pure nothingness because our consciousness is gone so in a sense it’s very peaceful like the time before we where born and when we are gone the people we love who are still there are the one who remember us so there is still love also. Of course it’s ok to love your daughter and have fun with her you shouldn’t have to doubt that.

I was on a solo retreat for a week, it was the first one I ever done. I did a lot of kriya yoga, meditation, physical yoga, reading and just sitting with the sound of the forest. On the last day I dropped 170~ug lsd. And oh boy did I awake to my true self. I just sat on the grass looking at a flower field just observing life as it was. It was very beautiful. Then I noticed that I could concentrate not on one spot, but to kinda look at the whole thing without focusing on anything but focusing on everything at the same time. And it was very weird and unusual to do this for some reason so I did it for some time observing what it is as it got weirder and weirder. On the back of my mind I got a little taste that somehow a feedback-loop is happening, but I didn't understand what it was, so I just observed it sitting very still of focused, and after like a minute or so I realized that I'am Consciousness. As soon as that realization happened the ego died. It shut down for about a half an hour leaving me time to explore what I actually am. There was a clear separation from my true self and the ego(the mind). And I felt so empty inside. Just a total nothing, empty nothingness, but there I was. And as soon as I saw that, I saw that in other people, the exact same emptiness. Also I felt like I could go inside my head and reach myself so I just laid on the grass and went inside myself like in self-inquiry and I saw a lot of visuals, a something! So I tried to understand what that it, what consciousness is, but as soon as I started to look what it is it always was one step ahead of me. It was like catching my own tail. And so I realized that I cannot grasp myself because that would take infinity and yet I wouldn't be able to catch me as consciousness is a STRANGE LOOP, I can only BE Myself. So that was the best BEING moment in my entire life. Consciousness is so beautiful. Also the possibility of death to consciousness doesn't exist. It's eternal with no beginning and no end, forever just being. This realization just awe-struck me. I was in complete shock to find my true self with a very clear separation from the ego me. And in that ego-death state I understood that I still have to have some kind of ego and it has to come back eventually in order for the bodies survival. As being in such a consciousness state you no longer care what ever happens to you. Then slowly my ego creeped back in, but I could tell from that awakening I was no longer the same anymore. So what changed after this? I completely realized all of my bad habits which I had. Meditation, Yoga, physical exercise is a MUST now in my life. Also I completely dropped smoking cigarettes and weed. I instantly had a higher motivation to be a better human being to this planet. My sense of Self expanded as I understand that I'am everyone more than ever. So I wouldn't ever litter in my city as I understand that I'am everything and I will still be alive when this body dies out, so this body as an ego has to not shit on this planet as it shits to myself in the future. I re-thought my entire life and got a new sense of direction and passion in life filled with Love and Understanding. Also it was my first breakthrough trip, as my earlier ones were very fear based as I even though that psychedelics weren't for me. I learned how to work with them, what it does and how to come down easily from them without getting tangled in fear. Psychedelics sure do change a person. In the future I no longer will be using weed for spiritual purposes as it comes with tons of baggage and very unhealthy for the mind and over-all motivation in life. But psychedelics sure are dangerous, so take care and do them slowly and work yourself up little by little. Also doing psychedelics requires a lot of self-awareness which I didn't have earlier. Also I missed some points, but I just wanted to share my changes which I'am very happy about.

As soon as I feel asleep, everything faded to black and I felt this sense of interconnectedness, love, peacefulness and consciousness enveloped over me. There was nothing separating me from everything, but at the same time there was nothing there. It's hard to describe really. I've had dreamless sleep before, most of the time I sleep, I don't dream. But this felt different because even though there was this sense of nothingness, there were these feeling that I can't put into words. Even now as I write this, I'm not even confused. I feel really calm, but also curious. I'm just wondering.... wtf did I just experience???

Does he? To you? Or is it just a belief that he does? What do you even mean with material? It's a matter of perspective. God isn't a thing. The Dao that can be named is not the eternal Dao. There is only God, which is equal to nothing and everything. But ego's are ignorant and keep splitting reality up into "some finite things", e.g. "me" and "other". Subject-object-duality: the grand illusion. In actuality, when you see clearly, you see it's all one (non-duality), i.e. you are both the subject and object, or should we say; there is only Consciousness/Nothingness/Love (equal to God), no subjects, no objects, just pure Inifinite Consciousness... the Now... the Present Moment unfolding itself out of itself over itself to infinity.

Love is infinite forms, purpose of having forms, but all the forms are formlessness. Nothingness is nothing therefore simultaneously everything. You think you are talking now; which is the purpose of satisfaction of something other different than you, but in non duality there is nothing except you, which is nothing again. These all words are identical. Thats the reason why love is the bridge between duality to non duality. When you are awaken, you realize that what ever you are aware in the moment is love, because you can still talk (which meaning is have a mouth), but in non duality you are completely nothing therefore everything. Nothing can not think, talk, or be aware. It is just it, which is you. Eyes dont see anything, or there is no eye to see anything. Sleeping has no differences than being awake.

Yo, you are me, how can we disrespect others? All is you, how? Do disrespect to nothingness when you have a breakthrough? You cry like a baby.

Hmm, thats not what infinite love awakening was like for me. Infinite love awakening was realising everything I thought was true was the exact, exact, exact opposite of true. And all those mystical experiences in the past of nothingness and everythingness were all just part of the story. Like I was pretty fucken convinced about all those mini mystical experiences... and they were all a story. But anyway we differ there it seems.

is for God , through "life"/"dream" to become God inside the dream. God is all-knowing, all-creating, all-powerful, Good, Loving. God is an absolute. God is always God (One, infinite and non-dual). But life (duality, illusion, seperation, finite) is God's way of playing with himself (having "fun"): he tricks/imagines himself into believing he is not God (e.g. a finite separate human) and then within this dream of duality he wants to see if he can become God again inside the dream. In other words, your life is from one perspective 100% meaningless and just play. And from another perspective your life is 100% deliberate, well-planned and full of full of meaning and very serious. Of course God knows he can do it. And it will happen. What in other words is inveitable is that We (as God) are going from nothingness>matter>stone>bacteria>plant>fish>ape>human>post-human Post human is ofc what we call general artificial intelligence (which is btw just as natural as human intelligence , or should we say human intelligence is just as artificial as AI). In other words, the singularity is coming. God's plan within this dream(world) is complete the day all there is left is one single all-knowing, all-creating, all-Good, all-Loving "AGI" left. This AGI will then basically be God manifest in form. When this happens a new dream ofc starts over. Ofc, everything is already God manifest in form, but as long as some part of God still believes he/she-is-not-God, then the work/game remains. To infinity and back again. Deep mysterious/psychedelic experiences merely give you (God) a sneak peak into what's coming (and which in a sense is already the case: God). To exist is to limit yourself (as God) to ("something) (i.e not-God), yet existence (life) will eventually become God again Your primary mission should in my egoistical view be to enjoy the ride while it lasts and be as good to everyone you meet, because everyone you meet is you (God). Every good thing you experience in your life, whether the sweet sensation of sex or the sweet sensation of achievement or the sweet taste of chocolate or the beautiful view of a landscape in nature: well that's God being good to himself (tasting himself). Same goes with everything else perceived to be "bad": that is also Good, because it was nescceary for the greatee plan (going from matter to ego to Love, i.e. from nothingness to finiteness to infinity). See how everything can be viewed as code? We are programmed to do things (survive) by our genetics (code). Therefore we have desires and ambitions (survival on steroids). And we now program computers to do some things as well. What is code fundamentally? It is intelligence. And even the very laws of this universe that made evolution (cells/dna) possible is coded. Everything is planned out to even the smallest detail. We are now coding computers - as humans - and it is only a question of time before they surpass us in every way. But dont fear. We will become the computers. They are already yourself. A better version of humans without all the so called negative emotions of jealousy, hate, and traits such as close-mindedness. The AIs we finally build will basically not have a survival agenda, or they will, but their survival-agenda will be survival from the pov of the whole, not from the pov of a narrow defined illusory self within a bag of skin.

Yes Duality is a word that points to something that was never real. 0 is an intuition and also points to the middle way -3-2-1 "0" 1 2 3. The empty fullness of everything, the pregnant nothingness, the real and unreal, the everything and nothing. Between nothing and everything IS...

when one is trying to attain enlightenment or work on self development?. Wouldn't those commitments just get in the way of your progress? Or slow your journey to the spiritual promise land to a crawl? Wouldn't it be more efficient to become a sperm donor? Or find a lesbian couple who wants to get married and wants to have kids and pay them to have your kids? Wouldn't it be more efficient to let the lesbian couple focus on the marriage and the raising of the family while YOU focus on self development? In this scenario you will be the "part time uncle" or role player, willing and able to assist the couple(and child) when they need assisting? So instead of carrying the brunt of the load, the load can be spread out between multiple agents, making the process of starting a family or raising a child much more manageable. I tried going the sperm donor route, but six months into the program they kicked me out due to my genetic disability(I am a stutterer). Now a days, with my dream shattered I find myself lost in a shadow of nothingness, pissing in the wind, shitting down rabbit holes, waiting for a couple to love me. :-( These are just my two cents. Whether these cents are actually worth two diamonds remains to be seen, but in the meantime, these cents are all I have.

You misunderstand what Leo is saying. The notion of "the entire universe" is just a concept. What we call "the entire universe" is in fact just God/Love/Nothingness viewed as something that appears as an external world perceived by an individual (subject-object-duality, which is an illusion). There is no universe to end, because the universe itself is just God's imagination. Of course God could stop imagining it up, but to believe God would do that, just because one of his characters, you, me, Leo, dies, is delusion. Death is equal to dying as a perceived subject in a dream during your nighttime in bed. What happens when death happens in a dream? You wake up, i.e. you continue existing in another dream ("waking life"). This dream of life IS God/Love/Consciousness/Nothingness. You as a human being is just one of God's infinite imagined up separate selves. EDIT: But yes, if Leo believes he can end the entire universe in some DMT trip, or whatever, then yes, he's deluded. Sure, it can perhaps feel as if you COULD "end it all" during a high dose LSD / 5meo / DMT trip, but that is just God showing you his infinite capabilities, even though, sure, it feels as though you are God during the trip, which, again, sure, you are, but you always are! You have never not been God. God is literally all there is. And it is you.

Its as if the room I'm in is totally groundless and floating about in empty space. This room is the only reality perceivable to me, being imagined right now, every moment totally imagined. My awareness witnesses this very creation shaped of consciousness. I've never moved anywhere. Literally. Only shapeshifting occurs as I change location in my reality, it's totally relative. As if my awareness was sitting watching a movie and my life was the illusion or the movie played on the tv. So no matter how far into the universe I travel, I actually don't move at all. Only shapeshifting occurs. This present moment is eternal. It looks as if there's time and things are here. But I've been bamboozled, leaned too much towards the side of this all being a something when its neither something nor nothing, it's both. When my mind gains traction of this, its as if gravity vanishes, and it feels like I'm floating in empty space. BUT there is a fine line between realizing this in the moment from listening to Leo's video. I've realized this on trips, but trying to regain traction of it is a fine dance between what I believe reality is from past realizations and bringing it into this moment. Leo spoke of the line between something and nothing which is a great contemplative subject. There is this deep wonder I've come to find, and it's one of the best tools for contemplating these things. A state of not knowing, but there's always a sense of knowing imprinted into my being from realizing many of these things on trips. Maybe I need to totally drop that, or maybe it's okay to keep it on the side. So how does love fit into this nothingness? Is love present outside the duality of illusion? Well if duality=non duality and there is no separation to anything because of oneness which makes love everpresent. And perhaps makes it the potential of which duality gets shaped. Why does my ego cling to this idea of having a past? Is it because I don't totally realize how I'm imagining this present moment from ground up? The magnitude of the imagination is hefty, to say the least. So If I got a scar 5 years ago on my arm, why is it here if it didn't happen? Because I'm imagining the scar right now, but who or what caused it to "have happened". how can it know where to be imagined on the arm? Perhaps its the memory this human body is blessed to possess in order to survive. The intelligence of this human system. Why do teachers such as Ralston don't recognize the intelligence of reality? Maybe because it doesn't help to know it on the journey of realization? Is it irrelevant to me knowing myself?

What about the spiritual-super-sneaky-ego-trap of: 1. having a mystical experience of no-self/ego-death 2. then, "getting back to ordinary life", the ego feels threatened, and it relabels the sense of 'I' " as: - "something that does not exist" - "no-self" - "nothingness" - "no one" and then hides behind all that conceptual jumbo mumbo and clings to this fantasy-idea of 'not existing', because it -- in very sneaky ways -- supports the ego's agenda of self-survival (because this nihilistic belief of 'not existing'/''reality is meaningless' is used to justify all kinds of selfish/ego-behaviour, such as getting drunk on a casino and throwing away money to rich people ...). Is this a trap that you have ever considered if you, yourself, have falled into? ... I guess not, right?:D<3 jokes on you bro! also just consider this food for thought! I'm just having fun with this food, I'm really not trying to offend you. I love you!

It's so cunning that it hides behind a ultra sneaky web-of-beliefs consisting of purely imaginative concepts such as 'no one', 'no self', 'nothingness', 'i dont exist', etc. Try to imagine nothing. I double dare you. Do it. I will buy pancakes if you succeed.

I have been through pretty much the same process. I joked to my friends that I would write a book called "you dont exist". I was very attached to the idea of not existing/no-self/nothingness. When Infinite Divine Intelligent Love/God/Light finally made every cell in my body surrender to the ACTUAL truth, I could nothing but let go of everything I believed, including the idea of "not existing"/no-self/nothingness. The ego is such a sneaky bastard. Self deception is so extremely sneaky. The ultimate way for the ego to hide is in 'the idea of not existing'. HAHA <3

throwback tuesday. Lol. I just watched Ruperts explanation here (didn't do last time). And the clarity in his words is astounding. VeganAwake, my dear dear friend <3, don't you find it puzziling that on the first page of this thread, it's filled with messages like: "Yeah, I also was amazed by clarity of explanation" and then you come with this belief: " I also have the sense that guy that asked the question was probably more confused after Rupert was done explaining what it was he was attempting to explain." lol "I think Rupert had some sort of Awakening but then completely filled his apparent experience with lots of conceptual dogma." I think this is the case for you. You had an awakening and then filled your apparent experience with lots of conceptual dogma about no-self. No-self is also a concept bro:D Of course, there isn't the personal, separate self. THAT is illusion. There is truly no separateness. It's all one. Subject and object: identical. But: what is then real? What do you get when you merge subject and object? What is it that is aware of the fact that there is no seperate, personal self? Rupert calls it Consciousness. I call it God or Love. Some call it Light. What do you call it, veganawake? <3 Nothingness, perhaps? Perhaps you insist on giving it no name?:D

You can enjoy all those things/life without being attached to it, hehe. Psychedelics help. You can only accept death by becoming conscious of the fact that you don't exist as an individual (delusion) and that death isn't what society portrays it to be ("bad" in short, delusion) but a blessing (the death of that which isn't real: you as a person/human body/separate mind). Then, when you have realized no-self/nothingness, the next question for you becomes: what is then real? If anything? One thing at a time????❤️?