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Remember A Success I remember totally saving a meeting with a team we were cooperating with. My coworker displayed poor social skills and seemed to attack them. I rescued the situation by letting the others talk, listening, being positive and curious. Something I'm Grateful For Today I am grateful for having found back my discipline. I know that it's going to be the single thing that saves me. If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today? No. How did I honor my commitment to excellence today? I started work early. I went hard at the gym and finished my whole workout. I promised to make up for the missed hours and I am. I saw an opportunity to improve some code and I did. Oh man. This is day 3 or 4 of no caffeine and it's been brutal, but bearable. It's like waking up on day 2 being the slowest and stupidest of them all, with depression and super emotionally sensitive. Unable to enjoy things. This led to me reacting poorly in a text conversation and causing a fight/breakup. It was an interesting way to meet my fear of abandonment and seeing the circularity in it. She withdrew, in this typical way where people just text back less enthusiastically and you don't know what the hell is up. And then I feel the uncontrollable urge to either express my discontent, lash out or make up a story of why their behaviour makes no logical sense and I am owed an explanation. And this has at numerous occasions led to me sending emotionally charged texts, desperately trying to control the situation. Which resulted in the person withdrawing, often perminently. I just randomly forgot how to spell perminent. Permanent. What. One BENEFIT of this caffeine-free state is that my body finally feels healthy again. I can literally feel blockages dissolving. The nerve pain in my ear has finally let up. I just feel physical warmth, gratitude and bliss, and more connected with my body. Caffeine severs the head and makes it forget about the body, so it can manically stress about its projects and problems. It even reduces brain blood flow. It's a poison. I am positively certain. Why many others tolerate it well into their old age I don't know, but my body is clearly saying it's done with this poison. And that's fine. Who needs a scattered and stressed life anyway. Ahead lays a more integrated, balanced and calm life. Calm but effective.

I find myself being in this state a lot, just pure bliss. Even when I'm Doing I recognize the Being inside Doing.

This is an NDE on the NDERF website Stephen T NDE Home Classification NDE 1308 Stephen T NDE 3359 Experience Description 1. Surfing incident 2. Caught in a trough under water in huge surf. 3. Panic knowing I am going to drown. 4. Realized I had to give up, could not hold breath any longer. 5. Sudden calmness and resignation; loss track of body. 6. Clear and graphic life review as if certain events were cataloged. 7. Visualized a large green blue circle with a feeling of depth but did not look like tunnel. 8. Suddenly found myself in a large hall with a stone bath being washed by humanoid aliens; very peaceful (this was certainly a subjective illusion). 9. Sudden transformation into a realm of timeless Absolute Beauty, Absolute Love and Absolute Infinity. The radiance was literally unbearable. 10. Absolute forgiveness, non-judgment, non-duality, timeless, no blame or retribution, no sin karma and no reincarnation. No God as there was no subject or object of attention I AM That. 11. Beyond science, religion, spirituality, new age phantasmagoria. This is the most real insight of my whole life and clearly remains with me after thirty years. In my hippy years experimented with drugs e.g. acid however nothing, but nothing, compares with this insight. Also came across a similar state during meditation. Somewhere in this process, I became conscious of the fact that I must return to the world and play out my allotted role. This really pissed me off. As I crawled up the beach, I really didn't want to be here and in many ways have just been waiting for this lot to finish. 12. Theoretical implications: a) Absolute Infinity is a fact; George Cantors set theory provides sound theoretical evidence of the mathematical context of infinity. (We do not create infinity it is literally thrust upon us and is therefore absolutely necessary.) Hugh Everett's many worlds interpretation of particle wave duality; Max Tegmark's theoretical application to infinite universes. See also John Barrow 'Pi in the Sky' and Rudy Rucker's 'Infinity and Mind'. Evolution is asymmetrical, that is the billion to one symmetry violation at the origins (matter/antimatter) of the universe supervenes through complexification and self-organization onto Darwinian selection as a bias for pleasure over pain. Evolution is not value neutral. Given infinite universes non-denumerable infinity tells us that every moment must exist infinitely for all possible sum over histories (Richard Feynman) for all possible universes. (Will be pushing for space here.) Given infinite universes and infinite sentient civilizations infinite civilizations will survive for vast time scales eventually resolving into Absolute Infinity and Absolute Love. This state of beingness is a permanent aspect of every part of existence. Science has become shackled to skepticism and the narrow constraints of a very primitive epoch in the scheme of biological and silicon based evolution. Ray Kurweil demonstrates the capacity of potentiation in his demonstration of cosmological, computational and exponential technological growth. We will eventually drop the distinction between artificial and carbon based intelligence for new cohesive constructs far beyond our current capacity to visualize. As cells in our bodies are not conscious of our bodies, our self-conscious minds are not cognizant of the Absolute because we are bound by cognitive duality. Consciousness is dualistic and narrative based whereas awareness is timeless and immediate. Yet for anything to exist, whether subjective or objective, they must inevitably be absolute necessary aspects of a perfect existence. One also has to take into account the profound paradox of time (quantum block time) relativistic twin paradox, matter antimatter time vector reversal etc. we really don't know much. The axis of existence proceeds from the Pervasive Ground (unified field) through Manifest Material Reality and onto Infinite Potentiality. Existence is an Infinite Web of context and though the local universe has some 10 to the 26 bits of information they overlap and furthermore are connected non-locally. Existence is not constructed of finite locatable things it is a nonlinear process of textural flow and integration. Lot more I could add however gives the gist of what I am on about. Hid in a corner all these years however when saw this site decided to have a stab at explaining my NDE. I have written extensively but not published. Who, after all is interested in radical and revisionary ideas. After all they forced Thomas Kuhn into a corner. Our current epoch is incommensurable with a civilization two hundred two thousand, two million or a billion years older. Plenty more where this came from. It's time to wake up and go beyond the magic and mythology of religion and the primitive egocentrism of science. Background Information: Gender: Male Date NDE Occurred: 1967 NDE Elements: At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes Accident On a surfing trip - near drowning Life threatening event, but not clinical death Nearly drowned. Coughing and spluttering I somehow managed to get to shore and crawl out of the water having given up all hope as I was clearly convinced that I was drowning. I truly thought I was a finished. How do you consider the content of your experience? Wonderful Did you feel separated from your body? Yes I lost awareness of my body How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal As above. At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? When I literally died to my old self and was wrapped in Absolute Love and Absolute Forgiveness. I do not look through my eyes anymore what sees is beyond my poor confused self-conscious mind. The looking through is not mine it is boundless non-dual timeless and perfect. See ya later God. Were your thoughts speeded up? Incredibly fast Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning Timeless. It was shock to emerge from immediate awareness to consciousness. I most certainly did not die and here of course lie the rub. However it is relatively easy to demonstrate that every moment always exists for all probable and possible moments infinitely therefore whatever is flowing through this lot is not the surface structure we identify with. Kant phenomena, noumenon or more to the point Nagajuna's such-ness, nothingness and non-duality. Were your senses more vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. Though there were intense and awe inspiring feelings something much deeper was operating and has remained to this day. No person can have ownership and no religion lay claim to Absolute Love. The body just didn't warrant attention. Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. It was not like hearing but somehow directly intuiting without the necessity for language. The narrative comes afterwards and by heavens one must be absolutely vigilant not to pollute the direct experience. Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? Yes, and the facts have been checked out Did you pass into or through a tunnel? Uncertain Saw a blue green circle but did not pass through a tunnel. Did you see any beings in your experience? I actually saw them Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? Yes In the early stages I was bathed by some aliens beings. However, when I had the insight into Absolute Love everything with shape and form disappeared and had absolutely no relevance. The experience included: Void The experience included: Light Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin Did you see an unearthly light? Yes Everything was light however it was not white, yellow, or black, it was pure radiance and for a timeless moment I was that radiance. Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm It is strange to look back and realize that the effects of the event continue to change my life and conception of existence on regular basis. When I write a book or article and finish it it is as if, even with all the research, I actually did nothing. It has taken to the middle years of my life to fully integrate the intellectual and experiential in a rigorous manner. Something unspoken operates beyond the self-conscious mind. Sounds whaky I know but I gotta another set of eyes. This is where the old narrative goes bottom up. Working in welfare sort of reflects a doing because it has to be done. Choiceless Freedom. so many damn dimensions and textures its downright spooky. The experience included: Strong emotional tone What emotions did you feel during the experience? Love, Love, Love, Love, Love, Joy, Joy, Joy, Joy, Bliss, Bliss, Bliss, Bliss. Absolute Forgiveness, total equity and complete union. Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness Did you have a feeling of joy? incredible joy Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world The experience included: Special Knowledge Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about the universe The experience included: Life review Did scenes from your past come back to you? My past flashed before me, out of my control I don't think I learned anything from the experience what did happen was that I realized what I was doing, and still am doing nothing, even though I have to continue on with the trials and tribulations of life like everyone else. Absolute Love takes no prisoners you either imbibe non-judgment, and absolute forgiveness with a still mind or carry on with the useless narrative of self-justification. It is not to be learned it is to be lived. Did scenes from the future come to you? Scenes from the world's future All events exist right here and now (quantum mechanics and time) however insight steps into the timeless occasion of immediate perfection while witnessing the temporal flow of relative material reality. One could not remain in awareness because self was, and is still, irrevocably tied to material reality. To a non-dualist there is no spirit or soul because insight is subject less, objectless beginning-less and endless. At death my relative absence will be my absolute presence Nisargadatta Maharaj. Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will God, Spiritual and Religion: What was your religion prior to your experience? Liberal none Have your religious practices changed since your experience? No Religion just does not cut the mustard. Absolute Love can have no relationship with evil, devil, hell, purgatory, sin, karma, retribution, or any type of judgment blame and retribution. When they drop their absurd beliefs and magical mythical ranting then their ideologies will become redundant. By this stage, religions will be left with a whole lot of empty book covers. Absolute Love cannot be possessed or turned to any religious or political purpose. Either we love or we don't love easy peasy. Then we can party and just learn to love and care for each other on a truly equitable basis. What is your religion now? Liberal none Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? No Religion just does not cut the mustard. Absolute Love can have no relationship with evil, devil, hell, purgatory, sin, karma, retribution, or any type of judgment blame and retribution. When they drop their absurd beliefs and magical mythical ranting then their ideologies will become redundant. By this stage, religions will be left with a whole lot of empty book covers. Absolute Love cannot be possessed or turned to any religious or political purpose. Either we love or we don't love easy peasy. Then we can party and just learn to love and care for each other on a truly equitable basis. The experience included: Presence of unearthly beings Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin Did you see deceased or religious spirits? I actually saw them Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion: During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Yes In fact this is the real bummer. When one steps outside of religion and yet admires science but sees beyond its limitations one's circle of friends becomes decidedly small. Universities philosophy and psychology departments are definitely not welcoming. Non-dual insight becomes a socially isolating. Recently tied to converse with atheists. Boy what a bunch of fundamentalists they have turned out to be. If you blow your own bags you are arrogant and misinformed if you shut up you're an introvert. Judgment, judgment everywhere judgment. Something is certainly doing I do not know what. Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes After such a profound insight one wants to be a do-gooder and save the world however reality soon kicks in. It took a certain amount of time to realize that it is how I act in the world and what I do that assists in making the world a better place not how I attempt to change others based upon some conceptual prejudice. Reality certainly is not fair so we just have to learn to live with it and let evolution take its requisite path. After the NDE: Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes I have spent my life working as a counselor and program manager. Studied many religious, philosophical and science based thinkers. Only two areas come to mind. The non-dualist Advaita Vedantist teacher Nisragdatta Maharaj (who rejected all religious dogma) and the approach taken by Alan Watts in his book 'The Way of Zen'. I completely reject hell, purgatory, sin, evil, damnation, judgment, blame, retribution, karma and reincarnation. Essentially the dualistic contradictory notion of God is to be voided. Absolute Infinity and Absolute Love are completely non-dual and non-judgmental. There was also a Polish Jew on a television program about NDE's who experienced Absolute Love unreservedly forgiving Nazi perpetrators. I just cried at the recognition of this wonderful man who intuited Absolute Love. I have also written extensively on Insight and Infinity however have not bothered to publish. Paradoxically, one soon learns that dogma free Absolute Forgiveness and Absolute Love either scares the hell out of many dogma bound individuals or becomes victim to scientific skepticism, scientific determinism and logical empiricism. So one soon learns to keep one's mouth shut. In my work as a counselor, I regularly use my understanding when I feel it is appropriate to assist in relieving a client's sense of hopelessness and despair. A substantial number of my clients either consider suicide or have made various attempts. We desperately need a contemporary meta-theory that is neither beholding to religion or science however it must fit within the purview of current scientific understanding. I am yet to find a satisfactory outlet for these ideas. Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? No My ability to network ideas seemed to take off. Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? Nothing in my life has had the significance of the NDE and some meditation experiences that happened later. No doubt, no fear of death and a total comprehension of non-judgment. No one creates their realities life is conditioned by hereditary and socialized contingencies and if you are born in the first world then your lottery tickets certainly came up. The relative world demands a certain amount of legal accountability and responsibility and we need suitable constraints. However, the deep ocean of the Absolute is absolutely forgiving and absolutely non-judgmental. Remove judgment and reduce inner turmoil resulting in peace and equanimity. Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes Be very, very careful the world is full of skeptics. Luckily my partner also had a NDE and out of the body experience so we at least have each other. Very useful when dealing with those clients who feel hopelessness and despair. I have worked with youth, drug addicts, families, mental health clients, domestic violence victims, service veterans and have found a deep need for a revisionary understanding of our place in existence beyond the magical and mythological assertions of religions and the self-imposed nihilism of scientific empiricism. Though I have not published this is the area I would most certainly like to move into. Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? Uncertain I was a pretty spacey kid living in a fantasy world and always intuited the vastness of things. So I was very curious from an early age. Had some vague knowledge of NDE but nothing concrete. What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real There are no illusions or delusion in reality for if there were contingent things then they could not necessarily occur. Nothing has changed. We continually confuse description with explanation however as Kurt Godel and recently Gregory Chaitin have demonstrated incompleteness is implicit within reality. We require an infinite hierarchy of descriptive and explanatory belts to explain reality and this is impossible. Insight looks back and witnesses without the duality of mental narrative. All things are accessible but not through language or symbolic representation. As there is only the emptiness and fullness of the Absolute we are all of Absolute Infinity and Absolute Love. In insight there are no degrees of separation and therefore no soul no spirit, no God, no heaven, no Hell for we are all THAT. What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real It makes me laugh that people have the gall to label events objectively real or subjectively illusory when to happen they must be real within their own context. It is not the veracity of the occurrence rather it is how that event is interpreted. If there is an infinite network of interpretations then, just maybe, watching and witnessing will generate a non-verbal understanding of our place in existence free from the labels real or illusory. Don't tell me the Absolute is not real because nothing can exist if it is not Absolutely Necessary. Everything subjective and objective is therefore necessary and given vast time scales and potentialities the texture of the web of context is indeed infinite thus we have Absolute Infinity. A word of caution. The classical argument against infinity is that it is a subjective human construct. Well here we go Mr. smarty pants philosopher infinity is thrust upon us through associational contexts between mind and word yet it is somehow an artifact of human reason. Get over it. Max Tegmark (Scientific American) does a brilliant job of refuting this erroneous argument. At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? Yes Other than drug free meditation and arts based experience nothing has come near to my NDE. I did have a meditation experience, which was similarly profound and even more enduring. The beauty of this event is that it was not induced by NDE or any form of drug stimulus. Tried Acid, marijuana and eckies in my hippy days however they are just very poor substitutes. In some ways having worked in drug and alcohol I can see what people are looking for unfortunately it isn't going to happen.

systemic brainwashing ignorance is bliss ?

@outlandish niceeeeee @OBEler hey man, don't forget Leo says there is a threshold where the ego struggles most...and that it's not at high doses but at low doses. I know that every time I do around 15mg (smoked) all I experience is pure Bliss heaven realms. But recently I smoked an estimated 7mg and I...kinda freaked out. I really like outlandish's post there about how he relaxed and doesn't jitter. I note I took from the 7mg trip was not to sit up and try to think and move around too much. I have a feeling that pushing through the "low dose" threshold area can actually reduce fear. Pushing through and leaning in ♥️ I've also found that different batches of 5meo can perform slightly differently. No doubt it can vary slightly in potency also. I've got another different batch of 5meo coming in soon...going to compare the two. I'm also going to try plugging with good pharmaceutical grade, soluble 5meo soon enough. Very excited

Does the level of the teaching matter? No. Words have meaning, until words don't have meaning, until words have meaning. What really matters is that someone resonates and enjoys it, that they love it. Entertainment includes some of the most powerful spiritual teachings within it, however the problem is that it's unconscious. By unconscious I mean, the mind doesn't recognize the value of it so it can't seek it and only applies it in limited ways. However it's innocent, doesn't try to own or conceptualize it and inspiration unowned is a powerful force. Even the things we say ourselves have meanings deeper than we know. I said in a video I recorded yesterday that I never thought that my awakening and the bliss/clarity would end. I didn't think. It's not that I was naive. It's that it was recognized that wasn't an actual possibility. But it happened anyway.

I can accept the fact that being in a state of bliss creates a type of neglect for the body, and that they just do what they enjoy doing and if they get fat so be it. I can see that depending on the type of ego/personality fixations, enlightenment will generate different results. I'm curious to know what happens after LOC1000 with fully awakened kundalini. I tend to believe people like Elon Musk are highly awake, he must be in the 700's at least.

This list made me cry, These are all the names of Shiva (The Ultimate) Name Meaning Aashutosh Someone who is constantly happy and content. Abhigamyah Everything is easily attainable. Abhiprayah The one who faces those marching towards the infinite. Abhiramah Prouder of affection. Abhivadyah Someone who is revered and respected by everybody. Achalopamah A person who is motionless and still. Achintya Beyond comprehension. Achintyah Means ‘unthinkable’. Adhoksaja The creator. Adikarah The first creator. Aja A unisex name that means someone who is unborn and eternal. Akshayaguna One with limitless attributes. Alokah Transcending the worlds, vision, sight, appearance, glimmer, aspect. Amrtyu One who is unassailable; blessed with infinite life and immortality. Anagha Someone who is sinless and with no fault in them. Ananthadrishti A person with the gift of the infinite vision of the future (i.e. All Seeing). Aniket Lord of all, homeless, lord of the world. Augadh Someone who revels in life at all possible times (i.e. Omnipresent). Avyagrah A person with singular vision and not distracted by the materialistic world. Balavan Someone who is strong. Bhairav One who can vanquish fear and is formidable in nature. Bhalanetra The person who has the all-seeing eye on his forehead. Bhavesh Means the ‘lord of the world’, lord ruler. Bholenath The Lord who is kind-hearted and benevolent toward everyone (i.e. All Loving). Bhudeva The Lord of the Earth and all its present natural beings. Bijadhyaksh The person who is responsible for controlling both virtues and vice. Brahmakrit Someone who has authored the Vedas. Brahman An individual who is not limited by time and space; unreal from the Sruti (Omnipresent). Chiranjeevi Long-lived, immortal Dayalu A name that depicts kindness and overall compassion. Devadeva One who is the Lord of all Lords and ruler of all beings (Omnipresent). Devarshih Means ‘divine sage’. Devesh Means ‘god of the divines, praised by deities or king of God. Dhruvah Means ‘one who is immovable’. Dhyanadeep A central icon of concentration along with meditation. Duradharsa Someone who is impenetrable and incapable of being attacked. Durjaya An individual who is difficult to conquer or is unvanquished. Durvasah A person who resides in places that are difficult. Ganakarta Means ‘creator of the tattvas (Elements)’. Gopalih Means the ‘protector of senses’. Gurudev The one who is a master of all beings. Hara A person who will remove sins from the planet Earth. Jagadadhija The one who originated at the beginning of the universe. Jagadisha Means ‘master of the universe’. Kailas The Lord who resides in the legendary mountain of Kailash. Kailashnath Means ‘master of mount Kailash’. Kantha Someone who is beautiful and radiant. Khatvangin A person who wields the all-powerful Khatvangin missile. Lalathaksha The one who has the all-seeing Eye on his forehead. okankara The one who is responsible for the creation of three worlds. Lokapal Someone who takes care of the world and its well-being. Madanah The one who is known as the God of love. Mahabuddhi An individual who is extremely intelligent by nature (Infinitely Intelligent). Mahadeva The Lord who is over everybody else; the great divine. Mahakala Means ‘lord of all times’, most powerful god. Mahamrithunjaya The one who has emerged victorious over death. Mahashakthimaya The Lord who is blessed with abundant power and strength (All Powerful) . Maheshwar The great God. Mrityuanjaya The Lord who has been able to overcome and conquer death. Nityasundara One who glows with beauty and radiance all around. Niyamasrithah One who seeks answers with the help of ordinances. Omkar Om is the primal sound by which the earth was created. It symbolizes expansion and unfolding. Paashivimochakah A person who liberates someone from the different bonds that hold them. Padah The goal, the object that is supposed to be sought after and obtained. Palanhaar The one who protects everybody and oversees it all. (All Protecting) Panchavaktra The five-faced man who sees, hears, feels and knows all. (All Knowing) Pandita A learned man who is acquainted with the knowledge of the world. Param One who is a supreme being. Paramathma The supreme soul that wanders the three worlds. Paramesthin The one who stays at the highest points or the points which are highly developed. Parivrdha The chief of the village; the one who overlooks and protects all. Paryah The person who is praised by the liberated people. Pashupathi The Lord who leads all living beings, including animals. Pashupati Pashupati means ‘lord of all living beings’. Patikhecherah The one who rules all the chirping birds on the planet Earth. Pinaki The one who has a bow in his hand; armed with the supreme bow. Pranava The one who originated and started the most sacred symbol of ‘Om’. Priyabhaktha A person who is universally loved by all the devotees. Pushkara A person who provides nourishment, like a lotus/ blue in colour. Ravilochana Means ‘having sun as the eye’. Sadashiva Meaning ‘eternal God’, the one who is always happy, loving and auspicious. Sarvashiva Eternally pure. Shambhu Means ‘source of happiness’, abode of joy; lord shiva; Sa + Amba – with Amba. Shankara The supreme giver of joy. It is also a musical raag and also means auspicious. Someshwara The one who is the God of all Gods. Sukhada The person who bestows happiness onto everyone. Suprita The one who is adored and loved by everyone. Swayambhu A person who is self-manifested. Tejaswini Different illustrations of Lord Shiva or someone who is bright. Trilokpati The one who is regarded as the master of the three worlds. Tripurari The enemy of Tripur Asuras (three city of demons). Trishoolin The Lord who wields the omnipotent trident in his hands. Umapathi Someone who is the consort of the Lord Uma (i.e. lord of forms). Uttaranah The person who rescues. Varad Means ‘granter of boons’, aag ka bhagavaan (lord of bliss/Supreme love).

Well its hard to say because i've been doing so many other things, techniques etc whilst getting shaktipat from Jan (been to 2 retreats with him in the past 3 years). I don't know how much the shaktipat has influenced my growth. It's quite clear to me, just from speaking to other people at the retreat, that only around 10-20% of the people there are able to properly receive the shaktipat. But those in the 10-20% really do feel it. Some people feel strong sensations in the spine, other people start spontaneously shaking, trembling, moving around in their seats - also called kriyas, its the shakti moving around the body. Some people say that as soon as they walked into the room they could feel the shakti. One person I spoke to at the retreat said he was travelling with Jan in the airport and he randomly started to get shakti (feelings of bliss and energy in the body) from Jan whilst they were standing in the que. Anyway the point i'm trying to make is that chances are i'm not in the 10-20% because I didn't get any of that. However I get alot of that during my psychedelic sessions, which not a lot of other people do. So maybe there's some link there, I don't know. After my second retreat I spent the following 2-3 days seeing literal Joy in every thing. I was looking at my computer desk screen at work and saw Joy in it. Very pleasant experience for sure. Cool stuff, yea i'll probably go the one in London in November.

Descriptions of both seem to have a lot of parallels. Maybe they're even identical. Such as exploding into some infinite white light, with unimaginably intense euphoria and bliss

@Toby @Preety_India i see. It's a broader concept than I thought. Just got this offf Wikipedia also. The concept of toxic masculinity is used in academic and media discussions of masculinity to refer to certain cultural norms that are associated with harm to society and to men themselves. Traditional stereotypes of men as socially dominant, along with related traits such as misogyny and homophobia, can be considered "toxic" due in part to their promotion of violence, including sexual assault and domestic violence. The socialization of boys in patriarchal societies often normalizes violence, such as in the saying "boys will be boys" with regard to bullying and aggression. Self-reliance and emotional repression are correlated with increased psychological problems in men such as depression, increased stress, and substance abuse. Toxic masculine traits are characteristic of the unspoken code of behavior among men in American prisons, where they exist in part as a response to the harsh conditions of prison life. Other traditionally masculine traits such as devotion to work, pride in excelling at sports, and providing for one's family, are not considered to be "toxic". The concept was originally used by authors associated with the mythopoetic men's movement such as Shepherd Bliss to contrast stereotypical notions of masculinity with a "real" or "deep" masculinity that they say men have lost touch with in modern society. Critics of the term argue that its meaning incorrectly implies gender-related issues are caused by inherent male traits.[1]

Greetings lovelies, Over 25 years ago, in my early 20s, I had a bad LSD trip. I have developmental trauma (from age 6 weeks), which is tricky to reach and heal. Somatic approaches can help, and plant medicine but I've been too scared to do a healing dose of psilocybin, ayahuasca, etc. since that bad trip. For years I've had a strong meditation practice and had glimpses of dissolving, oneness, egolessness, and sustained periods of deep acceptance. However, I still struggle with amygdala hijacking, which is distressing and destructive (like being possessed...). The psychoactive part of 5-MeO-DMT lasts 20 minutes on average so I decided to feel the fear and do it anyway (it took a year and a half to build up the courage). During the ceremony I was extremely scared before smoking the pipe. I had two very safe people with me -- the facilitator who is a wise friend and my partner. Holding the pipe, my friend, the shaman (I truly believe he is now given the phenomenal space he held for my banshee part...), counted as I slowly inhaled. Up to the count of 8. Hold. I must have exhaled. In the first few seconds I thought (I was still thinking then), oh, this is just like being very stoned [on marijuana]. The next second I was in another dimension. I could see my partner's face but through a worm hole or something like that (hard to describe...). I was somewhere else. I did not surrender to it. Instead I was absolutely (expletive coming up - am I allowed to curse here? - ok will bleep it a bit) f*cking terrified. I recall wailing quietly - "I don't want to be here", "I am so scared", "I knew I should not have done it." I experienced a "white out" (apparently) for the next 20 minutes with a few brief snapshots of awareness/sensory information: seeing the alarmed faces of the shaman and my partner; clinging onto both of them like a bush baby; hearing my partner cry; the strong command of "Surrender!" and me softening; and a brief experience of bliss/oneness/wonder when I saw the beautiful mandala on the wall, which now had glowing white light around it. That's all I recall for those 20 minutes until I was lying at my partner's feet. I briefly sat up to make one definitive statement about my trauma. Then led back down with intermittent shakes throughout my body -- the somatic release of my terror. The two people present later shared their witnessing. For the first 10 minutes or so I was fighting with something/someone and was kicking so much they couldn't get near me. It was so intense my partner felt traumatized by the suffering he saw in me. My friend was commanding "Surrender!" a lot and chanting and telling me to release but I didn't hear him until about 15 minutes into my journey. He suggested that fear is fear in my body regardless of trauma, bad trip concerns, etc. Since Mr Toad (4 days ago now) I've had flashbacks. All of which have been wonderful. Bright, oneness, peaceful experiences. I have been changed. I was triggered this morning and rather than react I was able to sit on my cushion and fully feel my emotions instead. That's huge for me. My partner reflected to me that I've faced something inside that was so hard for me to see before but that seeing has also made me more vulnerable and sensitive. That I've wrestled something out of my unconscious that's been silently ruling over me with fear, and I have stepped more into my power and fearlessness. I need to integrate a lot more though (TRE, yin yoga, yoga nidra, sound healing, etc.) which I've been a bit undisciplined about... I'm sharing to add to the catalog of 5-MeO-DMT trip reports in case it serves others. I'm also interested in any responses. And to be honest, I'm proud of myself for facing a big chunk of fear and I feel pretty kick ass . It was the most terror I've ever felt or rather ever recall feeling (my baby self may have felt it). I am planning to do it again to face more, release more, and heal more. I am hopeful for greater integration of my being for the lofty goal (always) of being love and loving others. Love

Slightly dramatic style: Going through the "The Crisis" was a torment. Most mornings I would awake from bliss into dread. Some mornings I wouldn't wake at all, I just couldn't face it. Through it I knew one thing, that if I was going to survive it I would have to carry on as I always had - plan B was just too hard to contemplate. Unfortunately, plan A was unbearable. "The Crisis" was certainly existential. I hadn't had a word for it until a Life Coach I was consulting with half jokingly pointed out that my crisis was in fact an existential one. I believed at the time it was a hand waving gesture on his part. I honestly believed my problem was a materialistic one. I hadn't ever married, I hadn't brought up children, I seemed incapable of leading anything other than a mediocre life. The icing on the shitcake was that I was in fact now old and there was no going back. It seemed that all my friends and people I cared about all had exactly what they wanted: to be normal. Why was that so damned hard for me? I had tried so hard to be part of a tribe. I had long term supposedly deep friendships. I'd had the long term girlfriends, I was the first to buy a house amongst my friends, I had a high salary and a university education - the first in my family. I had tried to do everything that society had asked of me. But none of it really stuck. I knew deep down it was all bullshit and nothing could undo the sensation. That sensation undid me in the end. The time had come when carrying that sort of cognitive dissonance around couldn't be tolerated any more. Either I would be normal and fit in or I would go all out and be different and unfettered. I fell for the first person that gave a damn and I desperately wanted normality with her. I chased her like a hungry wolf and she nearly succumbed. But after a very long period she rebuffed me with conviction - she had finally made a decision, and I wasn't it. During the early stages of both being in love/lust, strongly wanting normality and strongly wanting out - I lived a zombie existence. During waking hours I couldn't bear to be indoors. I in fact wanted to run far far away. I spent many many hours just walking aimlessly. I would take trains to nowhere in particular just to be somewhere away from my home town and myself (Eckhart Tolle's story strongly resonates with me here). Slowly over time the realisation took hold that my crisis was very much not a materialistic one. What I realised was that I hated myself, not in a cut myself kind of way, but in the same way that a lazy or fat person is vilified. I hated that I was a coward around people, that I needed people's love so badly, that my own indifference and indecision caused so much resistance and inaction, that I gave away my responsibility to others, and that no matter what I tried I would fail, and even worse I wasn't particularly interesting as a person. I ran to New Zealand completely unplanned for an unspecified amount of time. I ended up being amongst 20 somethings. This helped. I had an excuse to behave like a young person again, and I could reinvent myself. I ended up being called Tom for two months (despite having Guillermo for a name). I came back somewhat rejuvenated and full of a sense of my own ability to change my circumstances. Coming back was painful. The mental torture was still there, just to a lessened degree. But I made strides to do more things by myself. I would sit in pubs and restaurants and cinemas by myself. It was unbearably uncomfortable at first. In the end I realised that my "normal" friends didn't do this sort of thing: they were the cowards. Over time this gave me great personal strength. During that time I would find myself crying at music in the car or being uncontrollably emotional at work. I needed to learn to love myself, I even saw a hypnotherapist. She cleared some of my "blockages" and I began to feel lighter. That incessant feeling of needing to run slowly went away over years and I began to settle into my current self asymptotically. How am I now? A lot more mentally stable. I've learned to accept my mediocrity - just like everyone else does - it no longer presses on me so hard. I've also learned that I'm very much responsible for myself and the direction my life takes. And I still live in hope that life will end up being wonderful and maybe one day extraordinary. Fuck normality, I was never cut out for it.

1) I'd intellectually realize that all of those things are impermanent. Life will take them away from you sooner or later, well before you die. 2) Start getting comfortable with just being. Start practicing some sort of do nothing practice where you are just silently being. The more at peace you can be with being alone, the easier detachment will become. Find the happiness, joy, beauty, and fulfillment with doing nothing at all, and you've hacked life. 3) Just be patient. I've had days where I feel totally in bliss and completely willing to accept anything life has to give, and then I've had days where I'm totally caught in my ego stories, craving and desiring things that are completely out of my control. Attachment takes time to let go of, this is because of the self survival mechanism that keeps you alive. Don't underestimate its power. I'm sure other people on this forum can give helpful advice. This was just sort of off the top of my head, I hope it helps

Self-Actualization Its such a gargantuan thing . One glimpse is not enough You gotta experience absolute infinity and passed broke through all the traditional boundaries that keep us in ordinary consciousness boundary of insanity the boundary of death the boundary of existence and non-existence all these boundaries )(quickly broke through within 10 minutes entered the Godhead Godhead is like the heart of God it's the heart of absolute infinity it feels like this infinite cosmic chain reaction which has been going on forever it's eternal and its scope is unimaginable in size it's beyond all measures of size it feels like you're entering into the middle of the Sun and going inwards and going deeper and deeper and it almost feels going inside this infinite headed Hydra where every human being, just like a ball of human beings and corpses and animals and all the sentient you're just kind of like going through it and through it they pile on human corpses and then they have a like one soldier buried underneath and he's trying to struggle his way out of all these no beginning or end there's no center because it's of infinite diameter if you imagine it like a big sphere it's the Sun of infinite diameter now a window opens up where it's time to heal myself and it spontaneously happened about a window of ten seconds opened up where you scan through the body up and healing took place my entire body sort of healed itself the first time experience such a thing for similar to advanced mystics commonly report healing the substance of everything which is the ultimate nature of reality is not physical, it's not made out of matter it's not energy even and it's not even consciousness or awareness this is not awareness really what it is it just is being and even to call it being isn't quite right because really it has no name that's the key inside that you realize that you can't name the substance of which reality is made it's just it irreducibly it and it's all one all of it is one this is the key understanding is that you cannot define the substance of reality in terms of anything because the thing you're defining it with is itself the substance so when you call it matter or energy or awareness or consciousness or you put any kind of label on it or you think of it in any terms of a kind of physical way or spiritual way material way all of that is not it and the closest thing to what the actual substance of it is is nothing so the substance of everything is nothing and all of it is non-dual.reality is a strange loop what is a strange loop this is a concept from Douglas Hofstadter basically what it means is that to say that reality itself is a strange loop is that it's a vicious circularity you see reality has nothing to define itself against it has no ultimate standard or arbiter to ground it in anything and so therefore even ideas like existence and non-existence are circular and they don't really exist it's impossible because the itself you're trying to use itself to understand itself and it just can't do that it can't grasp itself it's like Alan Watts talks about how a knife can cut everything but itself or or a hand can grasp everything but it can't grasp itself it can't turn in on itself because it is itself well this is happening at the highest level of what all of reality is and the problem is when we do science or when we do philosophy or when we do any kind of religious cosmological thinking about All what is the nature of God know that none of that can work because you're using it to try to grasp it which isn't it and so there's this vicious circularity which is inherent to all of reality and when you see this circularity all distinctions collapse and breakdown and at that point you go into a sort of free fall and you fall into this Godhead where there are no distinctions at all really it's all one substance even the distinction between existence and non-existence no longer applies because that's also seen to be groundless and viciously circular and that is the ultimate nature of reality what it is is it's like a cat unraveling a yarn that unravels the cat that's that's the essence of reality that's the essence of consciousness work is that you are this cat and as you are doing the work and you think that you're going to unravel the work really the work ends up unraveling you and you realize that all of it has just been this one yarn the whole time this is what non-duality really means and he got a really a clear and full hit of this non duality and as he opened his eyes sitting there on his couch he was his couch …he was completely aware that he was nothing and that all sentient beings all animals all humans and any other creatures or aliens that exist anywhere out there that they are all him and he was sitting there in his room and he was looking around and he saw and he clearly connected for the first time he clearly connected how what's happening right now in this finite room that he was seeing is actually none other than absolute infinity itself so this is the insight that the Buddhists and the Hindus talked about where they talked about how form is formlessness and formlessness is none other than form the two are one . when he opened his eyes that all of that was present right there and it was present here in the now as he was standing there that all of this is not happening to a human being it's sort of like what a human being is is a little bubble within this absolute infinite singularity in the same way that like if you imagine a bubble within the Sun like imagine an Air bubble or a little vacuum bubble within the sun which kind of bubbles up to the surface and and then goes poof that's really what it's like to be a human it's to be this little bubble and that's what you're experiencing right now as you're sort of in this bubble and then this bubble really is not happening to anybody it's happening within nothingness its nature is nothingness and then that's what you ultimately are and that thing there doesn't exist nor not exist it has no properties no features it's just nothingness and what he realized also is that since he is all sentient beings and all sentient beings are one they're identical that he is also literally Buddha and Christ simultaneously and all the other mystics that have ever existed and so he stood there in his room he remembers very vividly and he realized like yeah okay --- I am the Buddha this is what the Buddha this is exactly what the Buddha is was and currently is so it's not like the Buddha was some guy who lived 2,000 years ago or something like that it's like no the Buddha is exactly what's being conscious of what you're experiencing right now not in a metaphorical way literally because the Buddha was nothing Christ was nothing you're nothing every single living creature is nothing your dog is nothing your cat is nothing that is what's conscious of everything and that thing is one and that's what unites us all and really what it all is is it's just one being this infinite singularity it's not just one being it's like an infinite head Hydra and it can be anything that it wants to be and you're just one of the heads of this Hydra and this Hydra is fully alive and conscious and it wants to be and you're just one of the heads of this Hydra and this Hydra is fully alive and conscious and infinitely creative so life is not something that is happening within your body life is happening across the board everywhere every single square centimeter of the universe is alive but of course we don't really see it that way because we're very human oriented and we're also very mammalian oriented and were biology oriented and we don't See the life throughout the the fabric Of space itself but when you go into the Singularity you you see that since everything is united in one that it all of it is alive there aren't parts of it that are and parts of it that aren't that's distinctions that we make in a relative fashion for scientific purposes and for just for human being purposes he also became acutely aware that non-existenc is impossible and that there there's no thing there's nothing to fear about death because death is just death is here right now if you want to think of it that way you think that when you die you go somewhere you disappear to some void or some nothingness no that void is here right now that void is what's conscious of everything right now there is no other place to go you can't escape the all you can't escape infinity because infinity is everywhere there's no way you can escape it anywhere you are it already is anywhere you can be it's already been so existence is literally impossible and that's a pretty cool thing to realize about life change your attitude towards life and towards death and towards people and everything else also the insight that reality as a whole is is just this causal chain of creativity that the causal chain of creativity goes down infinitely forever to the bottom like some scientists will say oh well our brain is is doing all the work all the neurons they're making us creative know every single one of those neurons do you not understand it's infinite it's got an infinite causal chain that goes down forever you are never going to get to the bottom of what makes that that neuron act like that neuron you could break it down to subatomic particles strings and below that and other dimensions and you will see you will never get to the bottom of it it'll keep going and going and going and going and going forever there's an infinite causal chain to everything to every thought that you have to all creative insights to enlightenment itself to your being to your sitting here and breathing and being alive it's an infinite causal chain of creativity that's the essence of this thing it's gargantuan it's beyond anything that that can that could sit within the little confines of science for example and that's it you became aware of everything innocence everything has been understood and that was a very clear point where it felt like okay that's it this is it this is everything there is to understand about life and then this acute sense of life is complete this is what he had wanted to know since he was basically a kid since he started doing philosophy when he was a teenager in college and then for the last five years or so since hes been doing consciousness work in pursuing life this is what he wanted to know he wanted to know what is the substance of all of reality and here he finally got it not just as a little glimpse but as a full-blown understanding where everything was clear where there were really no more questions left and that's it so let him talk about the after-effects so a couple of days past and various after-effects were happening of course he came back to ordinary consciousness after some number of hours the next day he was back into ordinary consciousness but there were lingering after-effects most importantly was that he retained understanding of the truth and he retained it to this day because it's not a experiential thing which is happening right now it's not like experiencing it it's more of sort of like you understand why two plus two equals four you don't necessarily need to run through the proof every time you just once you get it you get it even though you might not be experience it right now , also now whenever he is kind of going through his day even though he is back to ordinary consciousness just when he is interacting with stuff when he is Looking at his hands when he is going to The bathroom when he is cooking when he is writing whatever he is seeing that everything that he is seeing around him is is not physical the substance here is not physical it's not colors it's not sounds it's non-dual it's a non dual substance and that's pretty cool my meditation has gone through the roof his ability just to sit and and then his mind starts to sort of focus on the non-duality of what's in front of him is it's quite remarkable although what's interesting is that he experiences some kind of ups and downs and there's sort of oscillation and even a little bit of depression after he came back because what he has discovered is that having these sorts of peak experiences or even any kind of breakthroughs in your personal development it works like an oscillation like a spring so the way that a spring works that it oscillates up that's when you have your peak or you have your insight or you have some breakthrough in whatever you're doing and doesn't necessarily have to be just enlightenment it could be in your business or in your art you have this breakthrough then as well as a spring would honestly then it has to come back down it doesn't come back down to baseline it comes back down lower right because it oscillates and then it sort of goes through this kind of sneaking motion until it evens out so it's just like a wave like this but then it it comes back to baseline although the new baseline is a little bit higher than the old baseline so what you're doing is you're having these the experiences and then you're gradually raising your baseline but you can never expect that your baseline is going to become your peak that's the mistake that people make and so it's all so natural with this model to understand that when you have your peak you're also going tohave a little bit of a crash could be a epic crash or it could be a little crash you know it just depends on your situation and then it sort of reverberates like that over a couple of days maybe even a couple of weeks and then it smoothens out so that's a good lesson to keep in mind because that's such your expectations for what these things are going to do to you so you're not blindsided caught off guard by them so in a sense his meditation has skyrocketed but also in a sense he still notices just these minor agitations and frustrations and annoyances like sometimes they don't even just want to be sitting like one of the things he'll be talking about here in a second is he became extremely creative after this and So he has so much creativity that his mind is racing with with insights that he needs to write down and so it's hard for him to just sit and just to observe reality and to meditate because he is being so creative and so that creates some kind of annoyance and also just the idea that he has to sit there also there's this kind of like underlying layer of annoyance about it he doesn’t know more so than it was in the past he’s sure that's a phase that he can just kind of push through but uh it has been bothering him a little bit so by no means am is he in some sort of ecstasy or bliss as he is walking around that has not happened he does have a sense of peace and especially he notices a sense of peace resulting from not seeking answers anymore he don't feel like there's any answer that he particularly needs to get through any kind of inquiry and so in fact usually when he does inquiry usually when he sits to meditate he actually does a form of inquiry but now he doesn’t have anything to inquire about so for him now it's more about just meditation which is just being with the present moment it becomes very simple there's like no asking himself questions of “who am I,” “ what am I” “ what is the world” “what is reality, what are sentient beings” it's like no just sit there and notice that everything is already infinite it's more like that so that's guess sort of the way that inquiry might progress if you're doing it right and you're having the actual answers he still notices very acutely my addictions and bad habits because they have not gone away don't expect your bad habits and addictions to be cured by these sort of existential insights he means it could happen but not necessarily and most likely you'll need to work on those separately so he still has plenty of work to do as far as that goes creativity for him has gone through the roof because one of the things that sort of happened to him in this journey of going into this Godhead is that he realized the creativity of everything and he realized just how powerful the force creativity is and he sort of opened a channel it felt it felt like to divine creativity and that now is sort of flowing through him it was before but now he is more aware of it and he is more aware of just how how massive a force this is and so over the last week he had been very creative working on his book got a lot of stuff done had a lot of amazing insights that he'll be sharing with you in the future that he has been taking notes on and conceptualizing and making sense of so the creativity has been quite remarkable and his passion has also been as high as ever in fact after all this happened after these insights he felt like even though his life was complete now and there was nothing particular that he needed to do he was just passionate about sharing these insights with the world and he was just passionate about the creative process , getting more in touch with his his creative process in in ways that he sort of got out of touch with in the past and that has been a great experience although it is challenging to balance creativity with no mind or meditation for him that's been a big challenge for a while now and it still is even now because as he finds his creativity Rises since his work is very conceptual and theoretical he is thinking a lot about that a lot and a lot of interconnections are being made a lot of stuff has to be written down and organized so he is organizing ideas and concepts in his mind but as he is doing that he is sort of in monkey mind mode in a sense and he is not in that kind of still peace meditative zone and then when he is being very creative all day and then he goes to sit down and meditate for an hour that's challenging because that kind of transition is difficult to make us once his mind gets creative is just off on its own being creative and it's hard to put a stop to it and just be silent so he is still struggling with how to reconcile those two.. one of the things that he noticed with zen people and Yogi's and such is that it's a lot easier just to focus on meditation alone like if you're living in a monastery or in a cave and you have no creative pursuits whatsoever you don't do any any kind of art or any kind of business you're not working with concepts you're trying to organize your knowledge to share with other people that's a lot easier because you can just sit there with a blank line all fucking day and if you're an artistic type of person then then good luck with that is all he is saying now he is not saying that the Zen masters and such and Yogi's can't be creative they can be creative but his guess is that they compartmentalize those things well this is hard to do them both simultaneously to get into others way and then the last after effect that he really noticed is that he has realized that he has entered into spiral dynamics stage turquoise it just occurred to him just dawned on you think oh yeah okay this is turquoise he is in turquoise now and what turquoise is it's the recognition of non-duality the interconnectedness of all of life and yeah it's just it's like it's beyond systems thinking so systems thinking is still happening stage yellow is that a-- is at this level of where you're thinking about the world in a sort of analytical fashion or as stage turquoise is it's more at the level of being your being it you're feeling it you're more connected to it on an energetic level it's beyond just breaking things down into analytical systems the way that a academic or a scientist might do and it's it's seeing them the irreducibly mystical nature of all of reality so that's stage turquoise and he thinks stage turquoise is also tapping into the creativity that creative power of reality you know in a more direct sense in a much more conscious sense knowing where that power comes from opening those sort of channels and so yeah he was quite thrilled to enter that stage he hadn't really thought about stages in the past usually he would think of himself as a stage yellow kind of guy because he is always thinking about systems and analyzing stuff for multiple perspectives but here it's kind of like feels like going to the next level now that doesn't mean that he is in stage turquoise fully he still has remnants he thinks of the old stages within him that he needs to work through there's still some orange in there there's still some green stuff to work through he is still very much passionate about stage yellow but then say turquoise is really where it's at that's where you ultimately want to get to and the only way you're going to get there is through direct mystical experiences and having insights about the absolute nature of existence that's how you do it that's why stage turquoise people are so rare is because he thinks as far as you can go just using your logical conceptual mind is stage yellow and then to go beyond yellow you need to have these experiences for yourself so the question arises “am i enlightened,” and the answer is no he doesn’t want to say that he is enlightened he doesn’t feel like he qualifies for for that classification because he thinks that what's missing is that even though he has the insight and the knowledge and the understanding he thinks that there's a further step that needs to happen which is that he is missing the abiding non-dual awareness that he knows is possible so he thinks that the the ultimate step would be to to be able to actually stand here before you and - guess it's almost like to be permanently high to be permanently tripping so that you're actually seeing the non duality you're not just knowing it but you're actually it's like right here it's very powerful you're almost in a sort of ecstatic state he is definitely not there he thinks that for that to happen he would need to do a lot more meditating and just being present with the moment not that he particularly any kind of insights but just to be present he already feels like he is not like the human body he is a little bit detached from it but he thinks like not totally so more work needs to be done there which leads us to the question of what's next well he thinks what's next for him is exploring stage turquoise more exploring creativity figuring out how to reconcile creativity and meditation he thinks what's next is a lot more meditating mm just sitting and doing nothing and just being with the present moment he really needs thousands of hours of that is what he feels like but that's challenging because he is working he got business responsibilities he is writing a book he has a product that he wants to release so there's like a lot of stuff that he wants to accomplish so it's all about choosing priorities and and it's hard for him to justify sitting for ten hours a day just in pure meditation although he is sure that would get very pleasant very quickly if he did that what's also next for him is organizing a lot of insights and knowledge that he has a backlog of for the world and then sharing that that's also what stage turquoise is all about is it's really about connecting with your life purpose and and making your life purpose sort of divine your divinizing your life purpose whereas before it was sort of just like “okay yeah I'm helping the world,” maybe or “ I'm doing some good for my career,” and here it's like no it's like he is a force of God doing God's work with his life purpose it's sort of like that and by the way if you're wondering like oh how does he reconcile a life purpose with enlightenment work there's nothing to reconcile the two are two sides of the same coin your life purpose and your enlightenment will fit together perfectly if you get them right and the one will fuel the other and it doesn't matter if your life purpose is teaching people or making art or making music or running a business or whatever it is it doesn't have to be teaching people your enlightenment will still dovetail with your life purpose what else is next for him is more research and more learning he still feels like there's a lot of stuff that he wants to learn and to research for the purposes of teaching it and also these are more minor relative insights so these are not absolute things that he is researching these are just relative insights there's a lot of stuff within the mystical and spiritual domain and within science and philosophy and history in other places that when a research and kind of cobble together as he is doing his work for the purpose of his life purpose but also just because he is naturally curious about them what's more is more tripping is more tripping he found that al lad is the most effective tool for contemplation even more so than five Meo DMT because five meö is just it's extremely powerful it's all it's overkill really and it's it's too short to contemplate anything serious you're just getting a little taste of the honey you're not able to eat the whole jar he means unless you do it constantly, for him but the AL ad is more gentle and he loves it because he gets to sit there for four hours and just contemplate the hell out of everything that he wants to and it's very very very productive for him so that's his go-to tool these days not to say that he’ll never do five Meo you know but he likes the sort of gentleness of al-lad and he can still go just as deep what else is next for him is more personal development there's still a ton of stuff that he wants to work on in himself that is sub-optimal like he said bad habits addictions annoyances emotional disturbances of all that stuff is still there and you better believe that it will be there for you even after enlightenment all that shit will still be there you're going to have to work on it so don't be thinking that enlightenment somehow makes personal development obsolete or that you if you're pursuing enlightenment then you shouldn't be doing personal development no.. you need to be doing both because they're both going to be necessary you can't avoid doing just regular old fashioned personal development so what are the lessons quickly for you firstly it's that the most important question you really want to be asking if you're an existential thinker like he is.. is what is the substance of reality that's even more important than who are you what are you what is the substance of everything this stuff here what's it all made out of you should be wondering about that every spare minute of your day another lesson for you is that conceptual understanding is very helpful when you're trippin so sometimes we talk about concepts in this work as a bad thing like all concepts concepts are terrible they keep us from the truth yes and also no because people who don't have the right conceptual foundations are not able to make sense of it of the truth and they're not able to make sense of their trips and so for him the more he understands conceptually the better he organizes his own knowledge through note-taking and thinking about it in a sort of ordinary fashion then when he does experience these deep things then he can make sense of them and then also he can talk about them so he thinks one of the most important things you can do if you're having enlightenment experiences mystical experiences in your meditation practice whatever is right about it journal about it talk about to somebody because as you're trying to articulate it to yourself or to somebody else you're also clarifying it in your own mind what it is and that helps it to stick and then that helps to lay the foundation for the next experience you're going to have and the next one in the next one so you're sort of gradually layering this stuff like almost like layers of cement right you need to gradually layer the cement it has hardened then you put another layer on another layer and that way you can develop yourself very high another lesson for you is think through what the grounding for anything is this is related to this issue of the substance of reality so how any substance ground any substance because what you need to ultimately realize that it's all circulars the vicious circle is a strange loop it's a cat unraveling a yarn that unravels the cat there is no substance there can be no grounding that is the essence of reality is that is a thing which can have no ground because it is itself and there's nothing outside of itself to ground it that's the key insight but you've got to grasp it very deeply with your whole being not just with your intellect so spend some time thinking through that on paper like ask yourself the question what grounds the difference between existence and non-existence because if you're like an ordinary person you think that there's existence and there's non-existence but why do you think that does the difference between existence and non-existence actually exists or does it not exist or neither think through that just using your ordinary logic to see that your logic starts to break down and then that will set you up for having the right kind of insight future another lesson for you is make sure that you hone your desire to know the truth this is one of your key weapons in this work is to have a genuine a very genuine authentic desire for the ultimate truth you have to want to know not to improve your life but for it sounds like you want to know because you want to know because you want to know because consciousness wants to know itself and your consciousness and you just want to know don't underestimate how powerful just that desire is purify it let it guide your life let it set your priorities let it tell you what to do let it tell you when to trip let it tell you when to meditate to contemplate that can do a lot for you cut through a lot of bullshit another lesson for you is that creativity and enlightenment fit together perfectly now he just said that meditation creativity can be at odds with each other that's true but creativity and enlightenment can fit together perfectly in the sense that once you have these deep mystical experiences then it really frees you up to be creative in a non detached way and it opens up these channels for you so if you're an artistic type of person if you enjoy being creative if you want to have a big impact on people with your creativity and you want your creativity to be more effortless and not so neurotic and strained and filled with ego and all that then enlightenment is like the perfect thing for you watch what happens with your creativity when you start having these experiences it's going to be amazing it's going to be levels of creativity it's going to be so much creativity you're going to be at a loss of words and you're not going to know how to get it all down on paper so much creativity infinite divine creativity it's remarkable you're going to feel like a vehicle of God doing God's work with your art or with whatever and the final lesson for you is that if you still have any doubts there's nothing more worthwhile than this work there's nothing more worthwhile than the truth it is by far hands down the most powerful and the most significant thing that can happen to your life it'll transform your entire life and it will take you to levels of development that you never imagined possible that you don't see other people around you generally having in society it'll put you sort of into a category of your own and while that might feel a little lonely sometimes or whatever in the end it's totally worth it so if you're sitting there and you're struggling to self inquire to contemplate and you don't know why you're not getting the results well just keep in mind that you're after a very big thing here this is a very big thing very big prize so you're not going to get it cheaply or easily might take you some years of struggle to get there in the meantime just keep telling yourself that it's going to be worth it have that sort of faith and doesn't have to be blind faith but it just has to be a lil you guy mean you can use a little logic here as well he means he is not just standing there bullshitting you this stuff is life transforming and he wishes that he could communicate the full emotional power of this stuff better but it's just not possible because this is something you have to experience for yourself that's it.

Thank you. To me, that is not really to stress on yourself to have great things or ways to do/make/create. It’s in the future. What you really need that is what you do every day to be better. « A day is long and a year is short » That means you even don’t know what you can do in the next 5 years. Maybe you will not have that or you will be extraordinary. You don’t know! What you do today? What do you do today? Don’t tell me you don’t know too! Of course, everyone needs a sense of purpose but is it too pragmatic or too strategic? It is needed but are you sure that you have done the checklist for today? Is it following your bliss or a boring thing? There is tons of way to make your day better. And do it and sometimes you can post that showing how you dealed with abc and xyz in that self-investment process.

At times I feel like I'm a genius. At other times I feel like I'm an idiot. At times I feel ambitious. At other times I feel lazy. At times I feel bliss. At other times I feel depressed and lonely. When I talk to people I feel like I just become a reflection of them. I feel like there is very little of "me" aka the ego. Every interaction I take part in I become a different person. I feel like my whole psyche changes depending on who I'm talking to or what I'm watching. Watching Youtube videos I feel like they are all just me talking. (e.g. watching a Leo video, watching Joe Rogan, Jordan Peterson, stand-up comedians, politicians) I feel these dialogues fill my head, I understand them, I become them. But when it's just me alone I feel like I am nothing. I wouldn't be able to recreate those ideas on my own but when I watch them I feel like I have a full understanding of it. I often feel like there is nothing to say, just bathe in my own existence and the beauty of whatever this is. I do enjoy creativity though, This is something I have enjoyed since I was a child. I often produce absurdism or surrealist works of art because nothing in this world makes sense to me anyway. The best I can do is just let it flow out of me, which normally results in utter absurdity. I guess this is my calling? I've matured a great deal and experience a lot in my life so far despite still being in my 20s yet when I do what comes most naturally to me it's often just making silly little absurd artwork like when I was a child. Anyway sorry for the little ramble. I'm not even really sure what I'm trying to ask here. Maybe someone can try to give a shot at trying to analyze me. Or tell me if this makes any sense. Anyway, just love to you all. Everything is too beautiful

@Galyna yeahh at home, having cool breeze on the rooftop of my house. Feels so better being in a bigger space ?, pure bliss... Now my only concern is to not be lazy giving time to my work, I'm slacking off quite a lot. @Natasha I like the music, it's a bit melancholic, and Transitions into ups and downs kinda unique way.. You can listen this https://youtu.be/ycYewhiaVBk

Yeah that was really unexpected! The thing is that she understood my personality very well and my struggles with inferiority complex, believing I am flawed in some way and when I experience things it's never enough. My insights are not enough, my knowledge is not enough. "Everyone else" knows more, is more enlightened etc. I got LOC confused with states. I've read David R Hawkins and he also has a LOC model based on states, like if you are enlightened everything is just pure bliss no matter what happens. Ananda said that it's totally possible to enlightened and be jealous, angry and reactive so it has nothing to do with states. She judged me based on my sense of self and perceptions of my reality. Based on that, I think she is accurate and I trust her.

Why Is There Something Rather Than Nothing? Leo Gura Jul 19, 2020 _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ However in the video Leo says: " Everything is Nothing" and " there is no distinction between something and nothing " But the title does not say this. The title says that nothing exist only something exists. So where is the evidence that nothing exists other than "nothing" being an abstract dualistic concept but not a real thing? The title of the video is not " There is no Distinction Between Something and Nothing " Similarly Leo has said there is only Love and that hate doesn't exist and he justifies that because assuming nonduality is true then if we add hate to Love it's two things not one. ____________________________________________ So we return to the original title Why Is There Something Rather Than Nothing? Prove that that is not true. That "nothing" doesn't exist. It's a mental construct. What about the idea Nothing is all there is , everything is an illusion? It doesn't matter, an illusion is not nothing. What about the statement alone Nothing is all there is ? That doesn't work because we experience different things. We only experience things, thoughts etc You go into a pitch black dark room insulated from sound yet you can sense your feet standing there, or your own breathing , thoughts memory etc. Just being alive you are experiencing and that is not nothing. Ok what about statements like Infinity is Zero Up is Down Hate is Love Everything is Nothing I am you You are Me If you take two words like this that are considers opposites and you put the word "is" or "am" in between. The are interesting because they doesn't make sense. They seem clever , paradoxical and your brain tries to make sense of them but it keeps looping an it can't In the video the idea is raise why does the universe have various things in it ? Wouldn't it be simpler and more elegant to have nothing? Hypothetically yes but that would be extremely boring. So we return to the original title Why Is There Something Rather Than Nothing? Why wouldn't only something exist? Where is the proof that nothing exists? See, the intuition gets it right the first time. There is only something Then the mind comes in, intellectualizes and imagines that nothing also exists That's the minds illusion, nothingness. It's elegant in it's simplicity. However reality is not elegant in that way. Sometimes we find peace in simplicity. But that is because our minds can be overwhelmed if attempting to be aware of a multitude of things at once. To focus on on one sometimes is a needed relief from the whole universe Meditation is an artificial thing, But it is useful to use to step out of distracting, repetitive chatter We need to get away from "it all" sometimes ______________________________________________________________________ https://www.huffpost.com/entry/emptiness-most-misunderstood-word-in-buddhism_b_2769189 Emptiness: The Most Misunderstood Word in Buddhism “Emptiness” is a central teaching of all Buddhism, but its true meaning is often misunderstood. If we are ever to embrace Buddhism properly into the West, we need to be clear about emptiness, since a wrong understanding of its meaning can be confusing, even harmful. The third century Indian Buddhist master Nagarjuna taught, “Emptiness wrongly grasped is like picking up a poisonous snake by the wrong end.” In other words, we will be bitten! Emptiness is not complete nothingness; it doesn’t mean that nothing exists at all. This would be a nihilistic view contrary to common sense. What it does mean is that things do not exist the way our grasping self supposes they do. In his book on the Heart Sutra the Dalai Lama calls emptiness “the true nature of things and events,” but in the same passage he warns us “to avoid the misapprehension that emptiness is an absolute reality or an independent truth.” In other words, emptiness is not some kind of heaven or separate realm apart from this world and its woes. The Heart Sutra says, “all phenomena in their own-being are empty.” It doesn’t say “all phenomena are empty.” This distinction is vital. “Own-being” means separate independent existence. The passage means that nothing we see or hear (or are) stands alone; everything is a tentative expression of one seamless, ever-changing landscape. So though no individual person or thing has any permanent, fixed identity, everything taken together is what Thich Nhat Hanh calls “interbeing.” This term embraces the positive aspect of emptiness as it is lived and acted by a person of wisdom — with its sense of connection, compassion and love. Think of the Dalai Lama himself and the kind of person he is — generous, humble, smiling and laughing — and we can see that a mere intellectual reading of emptiness fails to get at its practical joyous quality in spiritual life. So emptiness has two aspects, one negative and the other quite positive. Ari Goldfield, a Buddhist teacher at Wisdom Sun and translator of Stars of Wisdom , summarizes these two aspects as follows: The first meaning of emptiness is called “emptiness of essence,” which means that phenomena [that we experience] have no inherent nature by themselves.” The second is called “emptiness in the context of Buddha Nature,” which sees emptiness as endowed with qualities of awakened mind like wisdom, bliss, compassion, clarity, and courage. Ultimate reality is the union of both emptinesses. Some Buddhist students think that a meditative state without thought or activity is the realization of emptiness. While such a state is well described in Buddhist meditation texts, it is treated like all mental states — temporary and not ultimately conducive to liberation. ___________________________________________________________ Reality is impermanent. Things come and go. When they go do they go into "nothingness? " No they disappear. They don't go into a place called "nothingness" Nothingness is the mental construct. That is the idealistic illusion things don't have "no" or "non" in front of them. Those are abstractions There is. There is no such thing as nonduality. Absence of duality is not a thing And because it's not at thing that doesn't mean duality is real. that is another construct There only are things And if you says there are only illusions of things illusions are not nothing They are something Welcome to somethingness

Feels pointless writing a post about all this I am going through. I am still writing this nonetheless, which means that I do see some point in it, doesn't it? I do not know what I mean by saying "I". Can give it a name, one description or another but names and descriptions are in a different realm than what I experience myself to be. Almost as if this "I" is an activity rather than an entity. This produced numbness IME. Feels like all these happenings just happen. No effort is made for them to happen. Meanings dismantle. All the ideas are seen as ideas. Limited and unnecessary therefore no action is taken to embrace and make them happen. This state brought a feeling of what they call "non-doership". This sounds nice, right? Doesn't feel nice, though. Actually, it feels worse. And whats the worst about it is that I'm okay with it! Even feel happy about it. I feel like there is nothing to talk about, nothing to think about, nothing to do in life. This made me isolated AF. Friends are slipping away, family is slipping away, all meanings are slipping away. I am becoming lonelier and lonelier day by day. And you know what, I see no point in doing anything about it. It's like I really do not give a shit. On the contrary, I do care all about it. But this caring-not-caring warfare inside is what catches all of the attention therefore little to no attention is left for anything else. This isolated state is not satisfactory. No joy, no bliss. Only this "no-me" which is actually just a new "me". Sensations of frustration and wanting to get out comes up more frequently. I've caught myself wanting to brute-force abandon my mind while on DMT trip. I also feel like physical death wouldn't be something bad. That's one way of getting rid of this "I-thought". Easy way. Although even suicide feels ridiculously pointless. It's like I've reached a point where I no longer have a choice. All that is wanted is getting rid of the "I-thought". It feels like life is not worth living with this illusory assumption of a separate self. I am considering leaving everything behind and going completely quiet, although this idea feels even more vague and lonely. Paradoxical, but at this point I feel like making it further by myself is very unlikely, if possible at all. On the contrary, am considering to start attending vipassana retreats, meditation retreats, psychedelic ceremonies ect. At the same time, putting trust in teachers sounds like a joke. However, as I have stated before, all these ideas are just mere ideas. It's like being stuck in observing without the ability to act on anything. I want this to end. Feel like wasting my life being in this "non-doer" state of shit.

Instead of giving up ... you just return attention to breathing from the stomach, and relax the body. Gravity basically does that for you. You’re just not-tensing really, not resisting gravity. That’s it. When you quit, it’s to avoid feeling. I believe you that you aren’t recognizing that. Doesn’t matter really, just don’t quit & be willing to feel however you feel. Meditation isn’t even an effort, or a doing, really...so there isn’t really a ‘quitting’. It’s just sitting there relaxing and lightly focusing on breathing. Quitting is avoidance. What’s being avoided is feeling. The bliss and relaxation came from you, is you. The lsd quited the mind. It ‘works’, is helpful, but is not needed. You could google how to relax. There are virtually countless ways to go about it. You can make a fist right now and feel the tension of the contraction of the muscles...and then un-fist and feel the muscles relax. Do that with your whole body. Stand up and tense every muscles at the same time as much as possible...then let go and feel the relaxation. Then you would know relaxation via direct experience. It’s simple like that. Don’t think about it. It requires no thinking. No. You quit. Not trying to poke you in the eye...but this kinda must be said, must be realized. Notice the temptation to blame, when truly - you quit. That feeling is emotion to be released. It’s up to you to let the blame meditation isn’t working thinking perspective go. When you do, emotion releases. When that occurs, thought stories arise, opportunities to blame, resent, be mad at someone, regret something, worry about something, etc, etc. Return attention to breathing from the stomach instead of pursuing those thoughts / perspectives. Learn to let them (thought) go. Learn to let emotion out. You can do this. Technically, it is non-doing. The body releases automatically. The natural nature of thought is appearing & disappearing. Technically, you’re struggling with not doing. You answer is typically more doing, and clearly you have tried that and it doesn’t work. Suffering has a way of opening minds to practices of non-doing, relaxation and feeling. You refuse to let thoughts go, because you’re avoiding feeling. If you simple sat with it, you’d experience the emotions, and some outpouring. But that’s it. It’s not like monsters come out of the closet and eat you. If you video taped the whole thing, it’d be so boring you wouldn’t even watch it. But do whatever feels best to you, the path of least resistance. You can approach this solo, and you can talk with anyone you want about it. All in the name of liberation & well being really, all Good. Broken record here I know, but the body so to speak naturally empties if you just sit down long enough. Don’t fear it man, it worth it. It feels great to let it all go, cry some shit out. No big deal. It’s far better to get stung by a bee, than to live in fear of bees. Very tempting to call you a loser here so you can feel the relativity and realize that statement is just nonsense, but you really are a good person, and I love ya and I digress. Yes it does. Let go of the “fixing” mindset, and welcome the letting go mindset. If a marble was stuck in a garden hose, it wouldn’t be “broke” and need “fixing” to get the flow going...just the releasing of the marble would be ample. There is a source, and you want that flow. To “get it”, accept counter intuitive suggestions, like meditating every morning and letting go. No quitting. Just returning to breathing from the stomach. There’s no report card, no getting it right or wrong. For sure, that can only help. In a nutshell, it’s expression. If another person helps that, great. You can utilize the best of both worlds so to speak. You can do this solo too, by writing about how you feel. However that is, and what you write doesn’t actually matter...learning to express it, let it out, is the point. You are the “base” and you are Good. When thoughts arise about yourself that don’t feel good, let them go. Express them if it’s helpful, but don’t believe them. Really try your absolute best to catch yourself doing this - and flip the script. Give yourself some love. If you think “my base is fucked”, reach for a better feeling thought. Even if it feels a tiny bit better...you’re going in that better feeling direction, toward the love & clarity you really are. Momentum of feeling better builds. Eventually is is the default, and there is emptying of emotions along the way. Godspeed. You can do this letting go. Just a misc thought...airbnb’s secluded in the woods, I’ve found to be ideal. Alone in nature is best, imo. I think they have some kind of COVID cleaned guarantee or something or other close to that, idk. There’s still risk of course, and up to you, just thought I’d mention it cause that’s what I’d do. Being around anyone, especially at home / with same people or family can trigger same stuff, same reactions, same patterns. I always preferred pure alone, not uttering a word for days or weeks. Whatever works for you though. I agree. Just want ya feelin good, happy, having fun, thriving. ??

I understand this is the issue, but i've been on this single point for months now and it's not clicking. I try to meditate and then i just give up, keep attention on thinking, or finish a session but i never get any emotional release through sitting and breathing. The closest thing that's worked is breathing with LSD, but i don't know what that was now. The bliss and full relaxation of the head only came from being high as a kite plus trying to relax. I have no idea how to actually relax, and neither does anyone in my immediate family. I'm going to see a psychiatrist in the coming weeks, and i'll likely get either lithium or prozac, i've heard prozac is good for relaxing so i bet all this stuff will work better with the added effect of an antidepressant. I have the belief though. I am in that condition as we speak, and trying to sit down and meditate to let it go has done virtually nothing for me over the past 6 months in providing lasting relief. I really don't think i can work out that belief and feeling just by myself. I've tried and i end up on a roller coaster of improvement, only to end up back where i started or worse off. I internalize and personalize a lot, everything in my life has always come down to who I am, judging aspects as either positive or negative. But i don't know how to find all the beliefs, and then just stop believing them. Saying to myself I am a good person, vs saying i am a loser, doesn't produce that much of a difference in feeling. I think it comes back to the avoidance and suppression of feeling. I know i do this, i have all sorts of behavioral ticks like scratching, leg shaking etc that are all about avoiding feelings, but being aware doesn't get me any closer to fixing it. I've spoken to a psychoanalyst, and she told me a key to success in therapy is forming an emotional relationship, where the person is comfortable expressing and feeling emotions, and success is influenced by how much a person has the capacity to and is willing to feel into their emotions. I really think this is something I need to do and will benefit be more than anything else. My relationship with my parents is emotionless. Both my parents are emotionally immature, and i've never had a relationship with another human being that was emotionally sensitive and completely open. I've got the point before here from people on the forum, i think what i need is therapy, not enlightenment and advanced self help. My base is fucked, and it's like everything else i do is adding stuff on quicksand. Until the base is affirmed nothing will stick. I can't really travel anywhere right now because of Covid, but i'm going to start doing intensive psychotherapy for 3-4 times a week for the foreseeable future. The foreseeable future is just that for me. I'm going to try and get a job with my family, and just spend virtually all time outside of work to address these issues. Who knows how long it will take, but i got nothing else to do in this life time, and whenever i solve it, i'll have the second half of my life to finally be a whole and functioning human being. I've seen/heard the script of therapy and meds working well for lots of people. A balanced mind, with energy and some will power, if i can get that from therapy and meds and live my life then it's a win in my book.

Heaven and hell are normally seen as two different physical places (with unknown locations) where you/your soul goes after you physically die. You go to heaven, if you are "good" --> You do the "right" things that the sacred books tell you to do. You go to hell, if you are "bad" --> You don't follow what's written in the sacred books. The problem is that religious books were written by men mainly with a poethic and figurative language (with allegories and such) and that many people interpret (by cherry picking the passages) sacred books "licterally" and/or in a materialistic way, so that they see heaven and hell as physical places and they decide to believe to this "good" and "bad" foreplay narrated in the sacred books. And that judgments are a mainly human invention. There is no "good" or "bad", but only facts that happen and that our mind define "good" or "bad" through some kind of cultural/personal imprinting. In reality it's all just a story. Heaven and hell as figurative places where you stay there and live in bliss or burn forever don't exist. There is indeed some kind of karma system (eg inherited karma from the family/genetic) existing in our world, but not in a way that lead you to go to a place or to another, but rather that create a heavier pain body in you or a lighter one. So what's heaven? Eckart Tolle describes heaven as the state of peace in which you are where you are really conscious of the present moment. If your mind is not drifting away in the future or in the past or rather by attaching itself to some emotion or some kind of idea/concept etc. you'll experience peace and that peace is heaven. Leo likes to describe heaven as becoming conscious of your Godly nature (that you are God/infinite).

Set and setting: Together with two close friends who also are deeply invested in spirituality. We did it outside in nature in Denmark with no others around. We had blanket, GVG pipe, torchlighter, dmt in capsules, mat to lay on, pillow, eye shades to be in total darkness, hand pan to play beautiful music on the comedown (the nature's delicate music of birds chirping and soft wind was already veru beautiful). We had already done 2-3 grams of dried of mushrooms two days beforehand, which we were still feeling the afterglow of (very playful blissful spiritual experience with lots of small beautiful insights into my own and other's psychology). We were together for 5 days in a summer cottage. On this day of smoking DMT, we also had 1-2 hours before smoking ingested 60 mg MDMA to see if it could help calm pre-flight anxiety/jitter and make it easier to break-through/let go. So my mindset before the MDMA was already very peaceful, loving and calm (been awake for +5 weeks now, never had a bad day since, since all is just love and god and oneness/bliss for me these days) and the 60 mg MDMA made me even more calm and zoomed into the present. I was extremely open and peaceful and couldn't wait to take that one big hit of 30 mg dmt and hold it in my lungs as long as I could. So I did. DMT is very visual for me and the dominant color I see now is yellow. I get the usual feeling of delicious loving heat in all my body, and I start making involuntary movements with my arms, like I'm an angel moving its wings. The next I know these yellow/black-fractals start morphing into some kind of extradimensional extremely metaconcsius entity. First I get a little frightened, but then I remember to just be open, and I communicate through thought to this being: "show me more, show me more". And then I break through. I get shot into this being while losing all contact with my body. While merging with this being, I see that it is me. And I then get a overwhelming extreme intense sensation of being God and seeing that absolutely everything in existence is my own doing, and that it is all absolutely pure Love/Goodness. It's not that I see it. I was it. I am Love. I am God. I am all of Reality/Consciousness. Being in this state of Oneness felt like eternity. Absolute Nirvana. Absolute Bliss. Pure Infinite Love. So Good that words fail to describe how Good it is. After this eternal peak of Oneness/Godhood, I slowly begin coming back. But even this come-down of coming back to my body felt like a looong time (the whole trip lasted actually only 10-15 minutes). The first thing that happens is that I slowly merge out of this yellow metaconcsius entity/God, and then the entity gets dissolved into an infinite number of what I can only describe as Machine Elves. They had little hats and were whirling around in circles in front of my vision. They were so happy to see me, so loving, and they were making lots of music with their voices. They wanted me to participate, so I began making noises with my mouth to tune into their energitic frequency, "laaaaaaaaaa" and so on. It was pure joy being together with these "elves". We were just having fun. Then slowly, these elves dissolved and I started really coming back to my body. It felt like being reborn. Extreme gratitude like I've only felt on my last 40 mg 2cb trip 5 weeks ago. My ego came back and it could nothing but surrender to the Truth of what I had become/remembered myself to be: Love, God, Oneness. I started to say and repeat sentences like "how can living be so good?" ,"I don't understand" ... " I DO understand!" " It's too much" ..."I cant take it" .. "Yes, I CAN take it!" "Its all Love" .."just remember to breathe... there's no rush, nothing to get to" ... And I came back, took my eyeshades off and saw the beautiful sky with the sparkling white clouds. I felt the sand around me, lifted some of it up in my hand and I was just stunned to have a body, to be able to move an arm, and hold sand in my hand and let it fall out down to the ground. I told my friends that I was speechless, that I had nothing to say, because words won't do what I experienced justice. Great trip. DMT is surely something. Remember to breathe guys, take it easy, there's nothing to get to. Heaven is already the case and could never not be the case. There is truly nothing to fear. Of course if you don't feel like it's Heaven and feel stressed and feel like there is a lot to worry about/get to; then that is also perfectly Perfect and absolutely also Pure Love, God having an intense dream. Bless you all❤️