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I feel you I generally have an depressive ideation and have one today when failing at an important task and succumbing to Internet pornography in order to numb the pain that I now felt today and over the past month or so at a slow path of suicide that my mother took because of still anti societal habits of getting up late, being stuck in my head and not helping family members around and a deep cynicism and judgement to the way my culture works stage blue nationalism and even slightly at some parts red criminal/tribal solidarity mostly is pressuring me since I am not fulfilling my life purpose of a sociologist that I intuitively feel and feel happy about when visualising myself in it to become one of them eventually or to isolate myself and slowly rot away homeless because of not adapting to their stage survival struggle. These depressive ideations are so strong at times that its hard for me to have the will to communicate to anybody or feel for and be sympathetic my family members shared pain for me at times and I strongly feel that I if continue down this path of not being physical skilled and yet having to work a laborious job and failing to finish academy and being stuck that suicide would be the only way out of the suffering and would follow down the path of my mother of isolating myself, abandoning the family and killing myself eventually when the mental pain of my life position intensifies too much. I feel to that if I am not conscious, loving and strong enough I will follow my mothers genetically predisposed upbringing and patterns of behaviour and selfish personality traits in to killing myself by jumping off a building eventually. I feel and think this heavily when I look at my current life's direction so I can't come to grips when contemplating that this is just my belief.

Over the years I've repeatedly experienced 'being in the desert of darkness and meaninglessness" and it's an awful feeling. Having that thousand yard stare,,,,,, At times I've been bolstered by a macabre saying of Gurdjieffs that he meant as dark humor and who himself admitted he contemplated suicide at a few certain times. He said - "Hell, its only terrible first few days. I never know if the antidote will be gritting my teeth and hanging tough or throwing my hands up and saying, "fuck it". If you know what I mean. You're not alone. Look at these thoughtful responses from others here and take heart. Find the path back to loving yourself and having a feeling of innocence and wishing well for others. A good cry or perhaps radically throwing yourself into a strenuous physical activity have been turning points for me in these periodic states of psychic entropy. Bless you and may light shine on you soon. As @Nahm said, I too wish you well.

Borderline primary.. Genuine Borderlines Is where basic Borderline symptoms and some added symptoms are displayed. Examples Intense emotions Intense reactions Rage Suicidal tendencies Unstable emotions Unstable reactions Borderline secondary The tendency to show primary symptoms along with extreme creepy behaviors and extreme needs and control behavior and hidden rage and manipulative tendencies. Are not genuine. Faking a lot of symptoms for sympathy, validation, acceptance, attention. Pathological lying Lot of cover up Reserved High privacy needs Not welcoming Anti-social traits Lacking empathy Manipulative Blackmail and trap back Self blame and self deprecation which is fake Ulterior motives Copying socially programmed behaviors and emulating them when needed Suicide threats Control freaks.. Control every move Stalking, spying, Fear of rejection They can't let go Extreme insecurity Aggressive rage Hidden rage Need to dictate and dominate Creepy dismissive and detached vibes Lack of openness or graciousness Immaturity Disregard of another's suffering and substituting and magnifying their little problems in the middle of someone else's suffering. Feeling intense self pity but no pity for others. Need to be center of attention Victim mentality Isolation of the partner and friendly behavior with the family Perverted sexual behavior Need to constantly blame and chastise and condemn Guilt trip and gaslight Make you feel like you have always deprived them Harassment and heckling Long emails or conversations which are wishy washy and vague. They are difficult to argue with because they never get straight to the point. Beating around the bush They always mean opposite of what they say. They are generally despondent and sadistic They invent lies Creating past and future scenarios to fit their narratives and to gaslight Plotting and scheming to act like a victim later or to make you look bad. bpd or borderline disorder is slightly different and it involves using victimhood and using extreme strategies to keep the person in control aka Jodi arias.. My ex was like that.. They usually use suicide to hold you back in the relationship. They have to paint the picture that they can't live without you and that they will extremely damaged if you left them, thus either blackmailing you or playing to get your sympathy. They feel no empathy for the other person's pain or problems and only see themselves as the only one who is getting impacted in every way. They are not necessarily narcissistic but they differ from narcissists in a way that they believe that everything is only about them. They completely disregard the other person's needs or problems or psychological effects and see everything from their own angle Even if they are made to notice how the other person is also suffering either because of them or others, they show a cursory or fake response of concern or seriousness, it's like they are incapable of understanding the seriousness of a situation at all, they act teenagey and lack maturity and understanding and gravity of a situation. They only feel bad when their emotions are getting hurt but fail to acknowledge that the sufferings of the other person are actually bigger than their hurt feelings.. They easily get butt hurt and resort to extreme behaviors to make themselves look good but deep down they are seething with jealousy and insecurity and the need to be constantly given attention and importance in the relationship. They are usually sadistic and don't smile when others are smiling or rejoicing and they are always the victim even when nothing offensive happened. They have to be center of the attention and they feel good only when they are given constant attention.. They try to self deprecate themselves in an effort to win praise or sympathy from people around them.. They cannot take being abandoned and such an action causes them to be aggressive

There is medical proof he did not suicide, yet you will still probably manage to deny this...

@Annoynymous bpd or borderline disorder is slightly different and it involves using victimhood and using extreme strategies to keep the person in control aka Jodi arias.. My ex was like that.. They usually use suicide to hold you back in the relationship. They have to paint the picture that they can't live without you and that they will extremely damaged if you left them, thus either blackmailing you or playing to get your sympathy. They feel no empathy for the other person's pain or problems and only see themselves as the only one who is getting impacted in every way. They are not necessarily narcissistic but they differ from narcissists in a way that they believe that everything is only about them. They completely disregard the other person's needs or problems or psychological effects and see everything from their own angle Even if they are made to notice how the other person is also suffering either because of them or others, they show a cursory or fake response of concern or seriousness, it's like they are incapable of understanding the seriousness of a situation at all, they act teenagey and lack maturity and understanding and gravity of a situation. They only feel bad when their emotions are getting hurt but fail to acknowledge that the sufferings of the other person are actually bigger than their hurt feelings.. They easily get butt hurt and resort to extreme behaviors to make themselves look good but deep down they are seething with jealousy and insecurity and the need to be constantly given attention and importance in the relationship. They are usually sadistic and don't smile when others are smiling or rejoicing and they are always the victim even when nothing offensive happened. They have to be center of the attention and they feel good only when they are given constant attention.. They try to self deprecate themselves in an effort to win praise or sympathy from people around them.. They cannot take being abandoned and such an action causes them to be aggressive

I got out of a two-year long, toxic relationship nearly a month ago. I was systematically manipulated, and taken of my innocence and worth. After my breakup, however, I felt confident, assured in myself and path, and excited for the future. For the past week or so, however, I've been dreading nighttime. When my family goes to sleep, I feel like I'm wandering around a hopeless, empty space. My blood heats when I feel I'm being a bore or not as well-liked as I used to be, my very soul is torn to shreds when I don't get responses from friends. My usual paths for validation (my toxic ex) are not available, and I feel a visceral pain knowing so. I acknowledge that the only validation I need receive is of my own, that it is the only way I can become self-sufficient and fulfilled. However, lately, I've felt so much loss in hope. My body constantly feels as if its being emotionally rejected or told it is unloved. I'm currently pacing around my house, my heart is on fire with dread and shame, and I cannot sleep because of my fear for being alone with myself. These intense, ritual emotions have lead me to consider suicide. I fear with my lack of approval, I have no inherent value. I fear I've made far too many mistakes because of my relationship (lying to my family, flunking out of college, selling my body for money) to deserve self-validation. To paint more of a picture on how intense these emotions are: My body feels immediate release when I think about talking to my ex. Even though I consciously know he is toxic, his validation that I've been hooked on for 2 years would give me instant relief. Every time I walk away from something that's distracting me, I fall into a deep depression. I immediately fall to intense tears, to which I'm terrified to face due to my scary thoughts (I'm also scared they'll reveal he treated me a certain way for a reason, that I have no value, etc.) Please let me know any thoughts about this situation you may have. I know this behavior is neurotic, I'm not looking for a quick fix, I'm seeking answers on how to face my fear of self-validation and loneliness, when I feel as if I have no intrinsic value or hope of being my actualized self. All is appreciated more than you may know, thank you so much.

@Nivsch Green is often unattractive to Orange. And yellow can appear as more attractive. Especially to intellectual/conceptual types. So when an Orange-centered person wants to expand, they will often want to bypass Green and go toward conceptual Yellow. They may take some intellectual interest in Green yet aren’t willing to do the work to embody green. This creates a poorly integrated yellow that tries to have an outside “meta view” yet doesn’t “get it”. They are in an academic/conceptual space lacking green embodiment and modes of being such as empathic abilities. There is often a green shadow. For those that have embodied green it’s easy to pick up on. Green isn’t just about conceptual theory. There are also deeper levels that come through practice, work and direct experience. This cannot be theorized it comes through direct experience. For someone cognitively based, I’d estimate at least a few thousand hours. I found direct experience through immersion in marginalized/stigmatized groups to be most beneficial. For example, I volunteered within a psychiatric hospital with patients for five years. I would sit and listen to them and learn. Yet not an theoretical type of learning. These were patients that attempted suicide, had psychosis and victims of domestic violence. There were times, I would get severe anxiety or feel psychosis. Some nights I had trouble sleeping. I started to “get them”, yet not intellectually. As well, I’ve worked with drug addicts and alcoholics. I’ve also lived in marginalized impoverished communities, such as a poor village in Honduras. There is no substitute for this type of direct experience. It’s is a not a conceptual form of understanding. It comes through direct experience, embodiment and skill development. It is a different type of “knowing” and it’s totally obvious when an Orange or poorly-integrated Yellow lacks this green-centered embodiment. To me, an integrated Yellow is the gold standard. That integration includes conceptual understanding, transcendence of self, meta awareness and green embodiment that came through a lot of direct experience and work. There are many flavors of poorly integrated yellow with green shadows.

I have had some deep awakenings over the past month. Utterly profound. Even though these awakenings were deep, the aftermath was pure suffering. I realise the devil has been operating my life since I was a teenager. It is so paradoxical because it is apart of oneness. But it feels like it is separate. And now it is stronger then ever before. I have seen what is lurking within my unconscious mind and it is not pretty. All the worst things I could have possibly thought about myself has arisen into my awareness. It is paralysing. It is scary. It is hard to see it as an illusion because it is so powerful. I am scared. I am confused. I am lost. I can’t do anything. My emotions are completely out of control. I have lost my mind. There is so sense of any grounding to my reality. One moment I cry, one moment I am paralysed with anxiety. Taking my away ability to make any desicions. I have lost interest in material aspects of life, and I have reduced me social circle to literally a couple of people and family. I struggle to relate to my family any more because they are so different. They don’t have the same values. It is hard to keep any relationships with this peculiar, intense yet strangely synchronistic experience going on. Heck I am losing my ability to communicate and form sentences with people. The only thing I know I can do is to meditate more. I am in too deep now. I guess I have to continue and work through this stuff. I am only 24, sometimes I wonder weather to leave this work for a later time. But I can’t I have seen some deep shit. I can’t go back to my materialistic life. But my meditation are scary. The sensations get more intense, they get more dark. I have images/thoughts of suicide or killing others. And I never knew I am capable of thinking these thoughts and feeling these feelings. One thing is to just observe these feelings, these thoughts it will pass. Has anyone experienced this after having awakening experiences?

Did he really commit suicide though? #lookintoit

this is teal swans video on depression notes, have a read, follow the step by step proccess and see if it works or not, now there are a few thngs in this video i am unsure of which i need to contemplate etc it seems like pretty good advice and i hope it helps !! Depression (The Truth about Depression that No One Sees or Understands) Depression is one of the most poorly understood conditions on the planet. All the ‘experts’ weigh in on what causes it and what solves it. But these causes and solutions are all over the map and often contradictory. And this can in turn add to the depression that people suffering from depression feel. Before I get into this episode, I need to say that depression is not a weakness and it is not something that you should be ashamed of. It is not a character flaw. You can in fact understand depression as well as how to solve it by understanding the nuance in one single sentence. I’m going to give you this sentence and then use the rest of the episode to explain it in complete detail. Here it is: There is a big difference between resisting futility and accepting futility. Everything you feel has a cause, dysfunctional brain chemicals are not the cause; they are the symptom. We are creators at our core. For us to feel good, we have to be able to perceive ourselves to be empowered so as to be able to alter our life so that our needs and desires are met. When we cannot do this, we feel powerless. Depression is caused by a situation in our life or many being something where no matter how many times we try and try and try, we cannot cause it to turn into what we want and what would meet our needs. Therefore, we feel it is futile. Futility and depression are synonymous. What you will find is that life is relationships. If we talk about our home life, what we are talking about is our relationship to our partner, mother, father, siblings, children etc. If we talk about our career life that is still about relationships, but this time to customers, bosses, colleagues etc. So what this futility is really about is that you perceive that in order for something to become what you want and need it to become, you need cooperation from other people involved in the situation because you can’t create it or change it by yourself. But they will not collaborate and cooperate. Therefore, this incapacity to change the situation because you “can’t do anything about it” makes your self esteem go out the window and you perceive yourself to be forced to surrender to the tortured ended-ness of the fact that your life is suffering. This is pure futility. It is terrifying to learn that you cannot make someone take your best interests as a part of their own, and collaborate towards you feeling good in a situation. This causes anxiety. But anxiety in this scenario is simply like the phase before someone hits a sense of futility. However, instead of accepting that futility, you resist that futility. Part of you does not give up which means you’re still in resistance to it. This creates a sensation that a person is not lost in a kind of darkness, but instead that they are becoming the darkness. To comprehend the way this works, imagine a person who wants to be let inside a gate to a village so badly that for years, they try every way to get it open and eventually slip into futility. At this point, they sit down motionless for years, still emotionally resisting that the gate is closed, hanging on to the strange possibility that one day, it might, so it’s just something you have to hang on through. All of this is done instead of getting up and walking to a different village. Part of you has not given up. Part of you is not willing to let go completely. You refuse to cut your losses. You are so tied to the image of how you need something to be that you wont give up on it. This resistance to the futility is what makes you so exhausted all the time and keeps you stuck in endless futility. And people who suffer from depression tell themselves they “can’t” cut their losses, when this is really about choosing not to. And you have very valid reasons for not being willing to cut your losses. But no matter how good your reasons are, you stay powerless in this way. It is critical to become aware of just what you are so attached to that you can’t let go of by accepting that it will never come to be. What are you afraid will happen if you accept it is and always will be futile? It is worth mentioning that some people use depression as a way to avoid committing suicide. This is because some people feel if they accepted the futility of a certain situation, they wouldn’t have any will to live anymore and would instead want to die. They would see no future. This often happens in situations where someone cannot conceive of wanting something else other that the specific thing they want and in the way they want it. For example, if they can’t get someone to love them back, they refuse to be loved by someone else. It is only ok if that single person loves them. People who suffer from depression also tell themselves that their needs are NOT going to be met anywhere other than in the situation that is futile. This is also more resistance to cutting their losses. They have to see that they subconsciously choose to commit to a dead end by doing this. It is a common assumption that depression is about suppression. This is both true and not true, which means there is a subtle nuance here to understand. A person with depression isn’t actively suppressing. After years of trying (through not suppressing) to create the thing they wanted to create and get people to change in the way that would get their needs and desires met, nothing worked. So expressing their truth also feels futile. Communication does absolutely nothing, so there is “no point” in expressing. While this means that a person has to suppress their truth, it is a different flavor of suppression. It is not active suppression so that a situation can be what the person wants it to be. It is suppression because there is no point screaming for help if no one is around to hear it. Again, back to the futility. If you have depression, you are not authentic, because you think being authentic is futile. So many children are stuck in this respect because the situation they often have to change (but that is futile) is the dynamics and arrangements of their family relationships, something that they are totally out of control of. If they try to express this, it only infuriates their parents and caregivers and thus makes matters worse for them. Childhood is prison where one’s happiness depends on the benevolence of the wardens. With a parent who is unwilling to help a child shift their life so they can feel good, a child is in hell and captive, powerless to change the circumstances of their life. Here is where the spiral gets worse. Because of the unwillingness to actually accept the futility and focus on any other way of creating your desires and needs, you stay in the situation that is futile. To do this, you have to betray one part of yourself. And this part of you gets VERY mad at the other part. So it feels like part of you is destroying another part of you. It emotionally feels like self-digestion. People who struggle with depression are both totally unaware of free will because they feel it is their responsibility to control the uncontrollable and get people to be how they want them to be (something they hate themselves for failing at). At the same time, they are all too damaged by free will. The grief they feel is that no one will participate in creating their version of a feel good life. They feel other people are all taking action, intentionally or unintentionally (and often idiotically as if oblivious) against it. You hate them for it because you feel so hurt by it. You can’t accept that other people have free will and with that free will, will not choose what is best for you. You also can’t accept that it is possible for you to do what isn’t best for yourself. You don’t understand this because it is an unhealthy relationship between two of your internal fragments. But because of this refusal to understand and accept that this is the case, you are just waiting for this to stop one day. As you wait, you feel more and more futility and more and more resistance to that futility the more people disappoint you by proving it is a futile situation over and over again. And then the third aspect of this spiral of depression sets in. You look around and notice that no one feels this same futility that you feel. So you make it mean something about yourself. “Something is wrong with me because I can’t feel good”. But because of the magnitude of the amount you care about this situation and the magnitude of the futility in the situation, doing little things to try to feel better (things that seem to work for other people) does not work. It feels like throwing a tic tac at a charging rhino or trying to feel amazing about an ice cream cone, when an asteroid is headed for earth. Or watching a comedy show to laugh when someone you love and need is dying in a hospital bed. They are acutely aware that these little things will not make the overall issue any better. What I am about to say is going to make some people very angry, but I have to say it. Depression is the byproduct of relationship dysfunction. Most people don’t want to see that depression is not chemically caused mental illness (remember the imbalance of chemicals is the symptom), but is the result of relationship dysfunction because most people don’t want to admit to the futility itself in the relationships they have. They would rather make it about how they feel. It is a coping mechanism for them to focus on brain chemical issues because this feels more empowering and promising than focusing on the real situation in their life that causes futility. It also offers hope that if someone sees they don’t feel good and are in fact ill, people might just feel enough pity to participate in creating their feel good situation instead of resisting it. For this reason, anti-depression medication is like shutting up the very voice telling you that an aspect of your life has to be changed, instead of actually changing it. So what should you do if you struggle with depression? Face your futility. Overcoming depression is all about becoming consciously aware of and facing and resolving the futility that is occurring in your life. Yet again, this could be a specific situation or multiple situations. Now that I have made you aware that depression is about futility and resisting instead of accepting that futility, look at your own life and recognize how this is playing out in your own life now. People often never get out of their depression because they keep trying new ways to make a futile situation not futile and therefore try to solve things in all the futility resistant ways they can think of, instead of facing the fact that futility in and of itself is the issue and especially, the resistance to that futility. This is why you should never approach healing from depression by “fighting depression”. Do The Completion Process with the feeling of futility specifically. If you are depressed, the futility is about a situation you are currently in. But this pattern of futility is a pattern that began in childhood and this current situation, is a repeat/reflection of a situation in your past of this same kind of futility. To learn how to do this process, you can get a copy of my book that is quite literally titled The Completion Process. And if you want to be helped through the process instead of doing it on your own, you can find a practitioner who is trained to lead you through it at www.thecompletion process.com. Work directly with the part of you that refuses to accept the futility and refuses to cut your losses. This is the part that continues to keep you adapting to the futile situation in ways that are detrimental to you. And this sets up a pattern of self-hate and internal anger. Also, work with the part of you that is opposite of that one. You don’t need to know what that part is specifically. You can simply say, “I choose with my free will to become the opposite part to the one that refuses to accept the futility and cut my losses” and allow yourself to really be overtaken by the energy of that part of yourself. To understand how to work with a fragment of your own consciousness like this, watch my video titled: Fragmentation, The Worldwide Disease. Also, to increase your understanding about the internally focused anger that is created by this part of you, watch my video titled: Bulldozing (The Way To Ruin Your Relationship With Yourself) Having accepted the futility, look for the ways you can move forward and the options you do have. You have to do something new. Resisting a futile situation puts you in a rut in life. Depression is all about focusing on what you can’t change and refusing to accept you can’t change it so as to focus on something else or do something else. Ask yourself, “If I accepted that what I want is never (and I mean never) going to happen, what would I do then or instead? It’s the thing where if you stop focusing on the door that is closed, you might see a window that is open. It may be hard to believe that your needs or desires can be fulfilled in any other scenario or even that any other option exists. For this reason, you might benefit by watching my videos titled: The Zebra and the Watering Hole and How To Meet Your Unmet Needs. Do something new even if you are simply doing it just to get out of your rut. The more drastically new, the better. The darkness you feel is the symptom of being disconnected from parts of yourself, and from what you really want in life. You must develop safe relationships. Depression is about relationship dysfunction that makes you powerless to create the life you want. Most specifically powerlessness and un-safety when no one will be an ally to the creating of the life you desire and need. This means, you need to go to places where people see, hear, feel and understand you. You need to heal the trauma of no one choosing to align with you so as to participate in what you want to create with them. But to do this, you can’t keep trying to get people who have no interest in doing this, to do this. For this reason, one of the most important videos you will ever watch is my video titled: How To Create A Safe Relationship. Also, depression is an intensely isolating and lonely experience. Being a situation that is in fact set up by the relationships in your life and one that is resolved by creating safe relationships, I encourage you to read my book titled: The Anatomy of Loneliness, which clearly outlines what causes this sense of loneliness as well as how to go from loneliness to a sense of connection. The more little things you do to make yourself feel like you have more power and control over creating the life you want, the better. If you are suffering from depression, understandably, you are super disempowered. On top of creating safe relationships, where people do cooperate in creating a life that feels good to you, you need to do lots of things in life, which don’t depend on other people to make you feel more empowered. Most of the suggestions people make about solutions to depression fit well into this category. Some examples might be deliberately eating foods that make you specifically feel good (especially mood boosting foods), spending time with animals, getting a massage or other form of touch, exercising, getting enough sleep, setting attainable and achievable goals and scratching them off the list when they are accomplished, taking on responsibilities which enable you to see your positive contribution, visiting and making new friends (this prevents you from isolating), taking control of your focus through positive focus or gratitude exercises or working with your core beliefs, sitting out in the sun, meditation, creating a routine, setting things in your schedule each day that you can look forward to even if it is as simple as watching a comedy show, picking up a new hobby, changing up things such as home décor or what room you sleep in or where you habitually go to eat etc. If someone in your life is struggling with depression, do not treat them like you are afraid of them. There is nothing to be afraid of. Depression is not contagious and people need your presence, not for you to solve a problem you don’t know how to solve. Also, there is nothing shameful about depression and this includes resisting futility. You know how desperate it feels to not be able to create something you want to create. It feels like accepting that the person you love more than anything else has died and never knowing if you will ever get love again. So it is a great deal more complicated than simply deciding with your free will to stop resisting and accept that futility and do different things that are empowering instead. It is a great deal more complicated than just deciding to jump out of a hole or be more positive. No one chooses to feel depressed any more than they consciously choose to resist something that is futile. This is a person that feels despair and desperation about a situation that is futile. And in their situation, anyone would feel that way. Lovingly help them to really focus on and face the pain they feel, don’t try to get them out of that darkness. Its better to hold their hand and dive consciously into it. My personal request to you is to become less afraid of other people’s suffering. Become less afraid of the way that watching other people suffer, makes you feel. All too often people abandon other people because of running away from feeling the feelings that seeing other people suffer, stirs in themselves. If you are struggling with depression, it is my promise to you that the feeling of wanting to be alive and feeling inspired and energized is on the other side of realizing that you do have the power to create what you want in life. You can create your desires and fulfill your needs. And there are people in the world that want to participate in that process as an ally instead of an antagonist. But all of that is on the other side of no longer focusing on the absence of what you want. It is on the other side of accepting and facing and resolving your futility, instead of being unconscious of it and therefore subconsciously resisting it.

@arlin Easy to find the video. @Leo Gura Part of the problem is the limitations of language itself. Even if English vocabulary evolved to include existentially neutral pronouns, language is all abstraction which can never accurately describe reality. There was a transcendence of self, a glimpse of waking up from the dream, but the dream body was still barely there. Awareness picked up on the sensation of a 400 BPM? heartbeat as it was leaving the dream entirely. It was conscious that it was waking up from the dream, that it was just a dream, that thing called live never really happened, and no time had passed between entering the dream and returning from it. But nevertheless, it decided to return to the dream, to keep playing the human game. Just a few hours ago, another perspective emerged. "I" had expressed before how suicide was no longer a desirable course of action due to sheer selfishness, to selfish to give up life until forced to, while at the same time, keeping the possibility of suicide open as a last resort to escape suffering. Wanting to have a mystical experience was also motivated at least subconsciously by a desire to escape from life, to feel special, to break out of the petty material world of "ordinary existence." But upon the direct experience of both life and death being imaginary, there was nothing more to escape from, nowhere to go but right here and now. It was seen that the life dream is not separate from divinity, nor is there a self separate from reality. Easy to think how those who realized this are just being egomaniacs, but it's the most humbling thing ever. Since there was nothing to run from any more, the dream body started to breathe deep, and relax back into the dream. Reading/listening to stories of other awakenings, and some like Adyashanti report the same experience of a heartbeat like they overdosed on meth, then literally dying all the way, had to let go and accept the end of life they knew as a human, completely dissolving into God. Then they came back into their bodies enlightened. That could have happened then, sure, and sure that from within the multiplayer physical reality simulator, other characters would think one of them had a seizure or heart attack, they would've called an ambulance and made a big hullabaloo of it. There's not even a self to want to become enlightened, or not want it, is there really a choice, can it be avoided, why become enlightened when there is no one to become enlightened, why think there is any control over it, why think...

@iceprincess Hearing your situation made me laugh with so much joy. It's so incredible how similar my current situation is. I've seen similar posts from other 20 or 21 year olds who are going through what seems like an impossible situation. I believe I have no answer or advice to give you because I haven't solved my outside problems, only my inner demons. I'm thinking that sharing my own situation might help you feel not so alone and hopefully make you feel a little better in one way or another. Throughout my public school years, elementary, middle, and high school, I was always receiving praise about how smart I was and all that. Needless to say, it got to my head and I started acting as if I didn't need to study or try hard because I was smart. I was also one of those quiet (somewhat loner) kids in school. During my junior year and throughout my senior year, I began to completely slack off and skip multiple days of school just so I could look like one of those rebellious cool kids. I had advanced classes and was taking a college course for a semester and I still managed to graduate, somehow. Now, I often get nightmares where I'm back in high school and the situation is that I'm about to fail all my classes because I was too busy being cool instead of trying my hardest. Fast forward and it was the summer after my high school graduation. My parents and older sister were questioning me about my plans for going to college which I had none. I was more focused on enjoying my summer and playing video games. I didn't want to disappoint my parents so I went to college. I planned on majoring in Astrophysics because I thought people would see me as cool or smart (and I was always interested in science and all that jazz). Soon enough, the issue of paying my loans and tuition came around. I needed to work but the thing is I had major social anxiety and self-esteem issues. I hated how I looked, I was always overweight my whole life and have always been self-conscious about it literally every single day. So, I avoided working which meant I had unpaid loans and tuition. Also, I was totally ill prepared for college. It was a totally different ball game from high school. There were so many things required of me that I wasn't prepared for. The stress got to me and so I stopped going to my classes entirely. It was during that time when I found Actualized.org to try to heal my anxiety and depression. Instead of healing my depression and anxiety, I got sucked down into the rabbit whole of Truth. I waited until the semester was over so I could go back home and lie to my parents and older sister about how I got A's and B's and wanted to take a year off. Months later, I had to face my life problems again. I didn't want to go back to college because I didn't see a point to it (I had no passion to study anything and I also didn't see the reason for it existentially). I didn't want to work because of my social anxiety and self-esteem. So, I decided to join the army. I was already in the process while I was depressed in college and back when I was about to graduate high school. I went through the basic training which that was the worst and the best experience of my life. I felt some pride about being a soldier and fighting for my country. But then I realized that it was just another label that the ego thrived on; the label of being a soldier and the image of someone protecting their country. Outside of the false pride I got from having the label of "soldier" I had no real desire to be in the army. I wanted to leave during basic but the people there made it impossible. I just had to go through with it. Months later, I got back home (I was in the reserves) and went to my drill. I felt no pride or anything from going to my drills. I just stopped going. Letters kept coming in about the fact that I missed my drills and that I'll be given a general discharge or whatever which will have serious consequences in my life if I don't start showing up. I still haven't to this day. You could say I'm just dumb and selfish for choosing not to show up for my drills but I genuinely didn't see the point in going- if I did see an actual reason to, I would. I saw no reason in wasting my life on something I saw no point in and did not enjoy. I suffered through those months of skipping my drills and receiving the letters. Not to mention I also had the loans and tuition that I still had to pay off. In my head, thoughts of being called a traitor, shitbag, selfish, worthless, failure, a waste, etc... kept popping up everyday. I wanted them to stop. I kept trying to defend my stance and justify my value as a human being. Thoughts of suicide came up multiple times. I even got to the point where I actually bought some pills just so I could be prepared for the day when I decide to overdose. I just wanted to reset. I felt like a total failure and felt utter shame and wanted total forgiveness and forget this whole sad life. I wanted reincarnate and hope that I don't make the same mistakes again. It was that day when I bought the pills that I realized my actual self worth. I was always stressed out about people seeing me as worthless. I saw that these were projections in my mind. "I" was the one labeling my self and calling my self worthless. I saw right through my own suffering. I also realized that if I was ever going to find true forgiveness and love, I wasn't going to find it from outside. Defending my stance and life choices were not the way to heal. Realizing that I was God and that I was at my own mercy was true healing. I realized that true forgiveness and love could only come from myself. I began to forgive myself. I began to truly love myself. Whatever anyone else says about me are completely irrelevant. My story won't help you practically but I hope it can help you spiritually. And through spirituality, you can find authenticity and divine worth which I hope can help you face your problems head on. It's only been a week since I hit rock bottom (when I bought the pills) and found this realization so, I'm still working through it. I can say that it's genuinely helped my self-esteem. It's help me be more honest and authentic. And I feel like it's helping me to finally face my fears head on, no matter what happens. I genuinely wish for the best for you. This is also the first time I've admitted all of this.

That is because you're struggling to accept a concept of something that you may or may not have experienced personally but it goes against reality. Yes I realize all the non duelist are going to bash me for this but I don't care. The world is not Duality the world is not non-duality it is the Third Way. No I will not tell you what that way is you have to find it yourself but accepting and believing non-duality is spiritual suicide not to mention the fact that we only exist because of duality so unless you've seen a baby bird get back in the shell and then crawl up the mama birds butt in order to be Unborn then there's probably no point in wanting to return to source and "becoming one" . And even hypothetically speaking if non-duality were true it still would be pointless to even Ponder on it because the fact is you are in Duality right now in this realm that's how we exist so why would you make yourself/ God make you just for you to try to get back to the way you were before you were made it's kind of like quitting your job or holding your breath not only is it pointless but it's a waste of time and a bit of an insult to the higher power.

I can confidently say that at the current moment in time, I don't want to die. That reminds me of a movie I saw one time where there was a man with a curse that kept him alive after every one of his suicide attempts, he could only die if he really wanted to live, I never finished the movie so I don't know if he died, but I can say I know he dies at the end of his life. One of the things that helped me get to this point was a legal drug called dxm. I'm not advocating for it, but it helped me greatly, and I have only done it once (twice if u count the super small dose I took 2 days later, it didn't do anything lol, just mellowed me out if I'm being honest) If you want to die, ego death is your answer, look it up. I believe that I stopped breathing a few hours into my trip, I took about a gram which is a lot for your first time, but I wish I had more honestly. I took dxm polisterex, so it lasted for hours and wasn't as intense as I hear hbr is. A few minutes into my loss of breath, I believe my true self kicked in. I believe I stopped breathing, because, when I am sober I can't hold my breath for so long that I die. I always start breathing again. I believe I either heard someone else, or me, in my mind say, (not verbatim), "dude, if you are that fucking sad just stop breathing and shut the fuck up". So I stopped my breath, but then shortly afterward, longer than it takes while I am sober, I realized 'I AM NOT BREATHING HOLY FUCKING SHIT" and I had to manually restart my breath. That is ego death, it is when you kill yourself without physical death, you just kill any attachment you have to the world (you all have some, however small) and just say "fuck you guys, I'm out". It is extremely hard without drugs and takes years of meditation and enlightenment work. My head hurt after I lost my breath, that is how I know I could have died. I focused on my breathing until sleep came over me and my body took over the breathing automatically. I can say now, that I just don't give a fuck anymore, in a healthy way. I WILL BE THE ONLY ONE IN CONTROL OF MY LIFE (barring the government and responsibility obviously). I DO NOT GIVE A FUCK IF YOU DON'T LIKE THAT I SUCK COCK. I DON'T REALLY CARE IF YOU DON'T LIKE THAT I ENJOY BEING WITH 30+ YEAR OLD MEN EVEN THOUGH I AM 18. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, I REALIZED I AM NOT BISEXUAl. I am Gay, not necessarily proud, BUT I'M FUCKING PROUD. I know I am a man, and I don't have autism, no matter what ANYONE SAYS! I AM NOT FUCKING TRANSGENDER SO GET OUT OF MY HEAD YOU LOUSY THOTS, YOU NEVER HELPED ME, ONLY HURT. ( maybe even a therapist or licensed doctor, because what I think is all that matters in the end, WE ALL WILL DIE.) I know that this feeling might not last, but the fact that I have it now is all that matters. I WILL CLING ON TO THIS SLIVER OF HOPE FOR AS LONG AS POSSIBLE. I send out hope to each and every one of you reading this right now, I know many of you don't feel loved, and you have no hope left. I hope you don't kill yourself, but if you do there is nothing I can do. (Skip this if you don't wanna be pissed off) I also realized how to fix American mental health. LET THEM DIE. No one will ever admit to being suicidal because you lose everything if you do. MANY WILL GET THE REAL HELP THEY NEED AND DESERVE THAT IS INACCESSIBLE TO THEM BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO LOSE EVERYTHING (in a weird paradox, don't care to live, but don't want help to make them not want to die that takes everything away.) They lock you up until you say the right things to get out no matter how you actually feel. Make a suicide pill legal and put it every drug store, grocery store, and mental hospital. I know some will perish if this policy is implemented, but many more will live because they won't be able to bring themselves to do it. Suicidal people don't want to lose everything, that is why no one fesses up. You lose it all if you do, and that is seriously fucked up. You can only take it in-store, have to take a week long psych eval, have to administer it to yourself, and have to do it in front of an employee to stop homicide. Vomit inducing drugs are right in front of you. As well as the antidote. No one will take it, and the few that do will be finally at peace. (Jump to here if you are skipping that) Radical opinion, but valid. I love all of you, I hope you don't do it today. Just live one more day, even if you do do it tomorrow, I will be happy you went on for even one more day. Have an amazing day you beautiful people.

So I have this friend (15M, same as me) with this extreme condition of limerence, to the point where he's loosing his sanity. He's been taking anti-depressant medication to cope with it but I don't know if it's actually helping.. I'm not the best when it comes to reading emotions but I think he's seriously going to commit suicide or seriously harm/injure himself. It's not just a guess, I think he gave me a sign or something. Even if he's not suicidal, he's still very depressed. His family isn't very supportive and he's willing to do literally any crazy shit. I'm just so confused. I used to be his best friend, though now we've sorta just part ways.. but then again.. I feel like I have some sort of responsibility to do something about it as I believe I know him the best. But maybe I am just fooling myself? Maybe I'm just over-analyzing? And besides, what can I really do? We're not friends like before so my advice probably wont have much of an impact. The thing is.. he's obsessing over a school teacher... The whole situation is crazy. I really don't know what to do so I just came here. What should I do?

There's some good discussion in here on MDMA. It's a bit off topic, but sensible discussion nonetheless. The risks of MDMA do tend to be overblown. Dr. David Nutt stirred up a lot of controversy when he famously pointed out that "ecstacy is no more dangerous than horse riding", and he was probably right https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2009/feb/09/ecstasy-horse-riding. (Personally, I find horse riding terrifying ) Yet, MDMA does have its risks, and it's confounded by pill adulteration, and people mixing drugs, so it's hard to pick it all apart. I've definitely seen a few people who appeared to have suffered negative consequences from MDMA abuse in the late 90s rave scene - depression, burnout (and possibly worst of all, horrendous taste in some questionable flavours of dance music ), rumours of possible suicides triggered by the post MDMA dip. I didn't see these same problems in people who stuck to weed and the more classic psychedelics like acid or mushrooms. The thing that I've never liked about MDMA is that it makes you completely indiscriminate in your love and appreciation of what's in front of you. This is the same thing that makes it such a powerful therapeutic agent, because you can look directly at that most difficult thing within you, and love an accept it with no resistance, and thus heal it. However, when taken in a party context, it's really asking for trouble. You're wide open to any nonsense, and you're going to love it all without question. I suppose this is more of a spiritual risk, rather than an existential danger or health risk of MDMA. As far as health risks go, it's a bit hard on your heart, you risk overheating, dehydration, overhydration, possible minor neurotoxicity from the metabolites, serotonin depletion can lead to dullness and "Suicide Tuesdays". All of these risks can be mitigated, and people certainly engage in riskier behaviours without really questioning it.

What is fear? Or a phobia? It's a irrational belief about a certain scenario that is going to occur. The chances of this fear occurring is heightened. How do you conquer fears? gradual exposure, complete surrendering. The willingness to "die" in a certain way. I will focus on the willingness to "die." Basically just focus on the present, focus on what your feeling. Then basically, you'll have no fear because you have not attached meaning to anything. I completely forgot what leo said in his fear video Be okay with social suicide. This is the exact same thing as failure. Just completely surrender. idk. idk man. I've just spent like 45mins typing to come up with this lol. The rest of the contemplation will be more intuitive and less wordy as I feel like i'm starting to mentally masturbate. a bit too much One thing I also want to say is that even though i'm defeating my social anxiety. This probably won't stop me from being experiencing loneliness as this is the path i've chosen. To become extremely good at something, requires sacrifice.

We will see what happens if and when I have a really deep awakening to absolute truth. Until then, no suicide will take place as I am currently in a state of not knowing. I will NOT throw away my life at this point as it may impact others.

Really folks, what this all comes down to is, am I the only observer/experiencer in the universe? Meaning that if I throw something at someone, hug them or whatever, they only appear to feel it but don't actually as I am only imagining them to feel it? If the answer to this question is honestly yes, and I prove it true beyond all doubt through practices, I will blow my head clean off with a shotgun and be done with it. This will hopefully result in me reincarnating and forgetting all of this until I re-discover it, setting up an infinite suicide loop. If the answer is no, and I am just one of trillions of observers within the one reality and all the lovely folks and critters I see around me experience the universe just as richly as I do, then no problem. Business as usual, on with the meditations and doing what I can to make the world better. It's really as simple as that. You guys are either awesome people going about your lives, like me, even if it is all just one enormous shared dream, or you are all just illusions that I'm imagining, kind of like Rupert's cardboard cutout analogy. Please somebody out there see my point.

Your ego is just trying to distract you bud. This is a classic example of the cunningness of the ego. Of course it wants you to integrate it, its purpose is survival. It doesn't want you to see it for what it truly is and be deflated. I think you may be trying to avoid going through the difficult task of dropping the false sense of self by simply saying everything is divine. Mind means the conditioning. The mind is greedy. Mind is greed. You drop this mind, and sannyas happens. A mechanical mind is an unconscious mind. The mind always thinks of doing something. All minds lead finally to misery, to suffering. Awareness is beyond time and beyond mind. Mind’s whole structure is based on confusion. Mind has no joy — it is really a wound, very painful. From mind to no-mind is the revolution of sannyas. Mind is confusion. Mind is never clear. It cannot be. mind is confusion; it is not that you are in confusion. Your mind is your misery, your mind is your bondage. The only security in existence is going beyond the mind. As a servant, mind is beautiful. As a master, it is a monster. Mind moves in time and consciousness lives in timelessness. Your mind is time. And when times ceases, your mind ceases. Mind is nothing but the process of the ego, the functioning of the ego. Meditation starts by being separate from the mind, by being a witness. Awareness is not of the mind, awareness is something beyond the mind. Meditation is the only magic that can help you to be free from the mind. To abandon the mind and to live life spontaneously is what I call sannyas. There is nothing like a silent mind. When silence is there, there is no mind. The mind has given nothing but misery, suffering, torture and nightmares. The ego, the calculating, cunning mind, is never compassionate, cannot be. Just be choiceless. Don’t choose. Choice brings the mind in. Choice is mind. You cannot predict a man who acts out of no-mind; only mind is predictable. You have to put mind aside to become a witness, and obviously mind resists it. Sannyas is real suicide, because it destroys the mind, it takes you beyond the mind. Mind is always mediocre, mind is never intelligent — it cannot be by its very nature. Meditation has nothing to do with mind; meditation simply means a state of no-mind. If you really want to be living at the maximum, don’t listen to the duality of the mind. When the mind stops there is no ego, when the mind is not functioning there is no ego. Mind is fear. Mind is a coward and is always concerned about security, safety, certainty. The mind is the by-product of fear, and because of the fear it goes on creating its own security. The death of the mind will be life for you, and the life of the mind is nothing but death for you. The mind has no inherent capacity for joy. The mind is the cause of all misery; it knows nothing of joy. Mind is constantly asking, desiring, demanding and creating frustration because it lives in expectations. Mind can never be happy. Mind is your accumulated discontent. Mind is your accumulated unhappy past. Bring more awareness to your mind, otherwise you are always on the verge of going mad, of becoming mad. Just remember that you are only a witness. The body is not you, the mind is not you. You are just a mirror. Existence never yields to any of our demands. It is the demanding mind that has been creating all our misery. Witness that you are not the body; witness that you are not the mind — this is the way to transcend body and mind. A mind that is not meditative is bound to suffer in every situation: riches, poverty, failure or success, it makes no difference. Mind never meets the truth, never encounters the truth. The ways of the mind and the ways of the truth are absolutely separate. Meditation is a state of no-mind. Meditation means the mind has stopped. Just you are, pure consciousness, simple awareness. Gautam Buddha has made it a meditation. He called it upeksha — indifference. Just be indifferent to the mind, and it won’t be a disturbance for long. Meditation is not a question of effort because all effort is going to be through the mind, of the mind, by the mind. How can it take you beyond the mind? The unknowable is not part of the mind. The unknowable is available to your being, to your consciousness, to the hidden sources of your life. Mind means dissatisfaction, mind means complaints, mind means unfulfilled greed, mind means incomplete desire. Mind is by its very nature a beggar. The mind lives through desires. The mind lives through greed, fear, jealousy, ambition. The mind distorts. Because of the motivations, the mind distorts. Our mind is very tricky and cunning: it always throws the responsibility on somebody, on something; it never takes the responsibility on itself. YOU are the cause of suffering. The day your mind is absolutely silent, with no disturbance, you have taken the first step that takes you to the temple of God. The temple of God is made of your consciousness. All knowledge is of the past. Mind is always of the past. Consciousness is always of the present. A buddha helps you to become more conscious; he does not help you to become more knowledgeable. The whole process of sannyas is getting rid of the mind. Mind consists of questions and answers. The moment you get rid of the mind, then only consciousness is left in its purity, with not even a ripple. It is your identification with thoughts that is creating the confusion: it brings you down into the mind; otherwise your watcher is far above it. And to get centered in your watching is the only way for peace. Your mind is never in the present, and time is always in the present; so time and mind never meet. This is the misery — that you are missing the train every moment; and you will go on missing your whole life. Meditation is simply going beyond mind, beyond the functioning of the mind, beyond all the fetters of the mind, and just entering into this silence, unmoving, unwavering — just a pure awareness, a silent flame, a great joy. Meditation is the state of no-mind. Not of a silent mind, not of a healthy mind, not of a concentrated mind, no. Meditation is the state of no-mind: no society within you, no conditioning within you. Just you, with your pure consciousness. When the mind no longer manipulates you, when the mind no longer controls you, when the mind is just a mechanism — if you need, you use it, otherwise you put it aside — you are free of the mind, you have attained your own masterhood. Use the mind, but don’t become it. Use it as you use other machines. Mind is a beautiful machine. If you can use it, it will serve you; if you cannot use it and it starts using you, it is destructive, it is dangerous. It is bound to take you into some trouble, into some calamity, into some suffering and misery, because a machine is a blind thing. It has no eyes, it has no insight. Mind cannot see; it can only go on repeating that which has been fed into it. It is like a computer; first you have to feed it. Hope this helps my friend ❤ ❤!!

@avilo Whats your problem... All you are doing on this Forum is hating, trying to voice your perception of what you think this is, not taking the time to realize for yourself, that maybe your misery just wants company. Stop trying to spread an agenda that this is a cult, that Leo is the holy leader every one here bows down to. @Shaun WTF are you even talking about... Why would you possibly want people to commit suicide.

There is no kid that's playing with legos that's creating some magical meaning to the universe. Listening to people like Leo will give you bullshit ideas about how the universe is love, the universe is completely indifferent to you. Word games aren't a real answer to why you shouldn't suicide.

More people can sign up, realise their families are imaginary and then commit suicide. We need a new plague anyway so this might as well be the form it comes in.

I’ve been having a rough go og it lately and whenever i find myself thinking some repeditive thought, like suicide or if i obsess over something, i react by tightening my muscles and shaking my head or my entire body. Pretty rediculous way to cope obviously, but i was wondering if anyone had similar physical reactions to such things and maybe if someone had any advice. Thanks bye.

you nailed it on the head, survival is fighting with the 'role' of the mediator or explorer consciousness. Yes I can really feel the body is shit scared of not getting enough food and not having shelter. But the role of the meditator feels so suppressed and limited by this view. I'm currently earning just over the poverty line and work 40 to 60 hours a week. But even so I don't like surviving, go as far as to say I hate it. Fuck this is a hard problem to solve. Now I see why suicide is so rampant on this journey.