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Before judging this thread being irresponsible or and immature. Take a moment to really understand my project: basically I fucked up in this life. I had trouble from 14 to 18 and ended up with fatigue chronic and bipolar disorder but I did well att school because I put all my eggs into studying. Anyway after when a gf entered my life the first time, that s here I understood how fucked up I was. I squander the relationship from a to z. The girl was totally in Love with me. It was easier to not screw than to screw but I like challenges! anyway I was very serious prepararing ingenireeng school and made lots of sports from 19 to 22 but at 22 I discoverd Leo so of course at 23 I started my psychedelics journey or should I say my shroom journey. One year was enough to put me into psych ward were my body mind has been forsaken forever. I’ve been in a very very very dark place for 4years. But enough is enough, I won’t carry all that unconsciousness/ shiet my all life. I wanna die with a mignimum of dignity and the more I wait the more my dignity decrease. Anyway, I ll find a way to kill myself and to know what there is after you kill yourself !! I’m so excited for this adventure. Sorry for the excitements of this post I took to many xanax before writing. That shit is gooooood. I hope some people will understand that this surfing ntil suicide attitude is my best possible attitude regarding now. I have nothing to bring to anyone, I am a leash to my wonderful family. I just can’t wait to put a bullet between my two eyes. plz don’t judge. It’s actually a very serious topic. I don’t recommand that to anyone unless you are in a similar situation where you are carrying an enormous amount of shiets. I’ll of course write loving letters to all people I love and once I will become a demon if god does not let me pass to Heaven I’ll send all that touch my family in hell. kiss kiss

What makes it such an attractive choice? For me, it’s the curiosity about the afterlife and near death experiences. SSRIs have caused me to be in such a detached state because of the massive increase in serotonin, (which also probably increases stress hormone cortisol too) and this lead to suppressed appetite too. Being without thoughts, needs, sexuality, pleasure and desire was definitely an interesting experience. I would call serotonin the “completeness” hormone and neurotransmitter. Overloading with stress essentially just reverts you to a blank slate. Tabula rasa. I think that’s what SSRIs do. I’ve had severe states of depersonalisation and derealisation where life looked dream like and my identity, ego and thoughts all dissolved. It was like living in a dream while I was actually in a coma. Some sort of strange anaesthesia that interrupts with dream/wake states and differentiating between them. Definitely pineal gland related. Where the lines between dream and reality blend into each other. Very strange experience. Pineal gland pulsations are also happening. Something strange about it. Seeing repeating numbers everywhere 111 222 333 444 555 666 777 888 999 123 369 xx:xx xx:yy xy:xy (clock angel numbers replace the x and y) the fear of death has been dissolved sort of. I think SSRIs deactivate certain parts of the brain. This also leads to cognitive impairment and impaired judgement. Anxiety and depression completely disappeared. Just left an empty blank slate without any emotions or thoughts. It’s like having a second birth. Some SSRIs revert the brain to a juvenile, child like state. ive played around with the idea that spiritually minded people are actually brain dead, AND that’s why they receive all these spontaneous insights and downloads. All roads lead to Rome. The same insights can be reached by going deep in thought. I’ve had spontaneous insights and dots connect during this period of SSRI use. Not encouraging people to use it though. Very hit and miss medication. I also have no dreams anymore. Dreamless sleep. I’ve noticed myself trying to still cling on to the remnants of my ego mind that’s rooted in thought. But it comes and goes. I’ve realised how much stress and fear have controlled my life and the trajectory of it. And it was all rooted in the mind and how it acted as an echo chamber for other peoples thoughts. I have now a higher stress tolerance and also a psychopathic like detachment. It’s like I took a lot of vodka when it was my first time drinking alcohol. SSRIs induced some very strong states in me. it’s also interesting because during near death experiences, I think the brain releases a lot of serotonin too. these days, everything looks bright, vivid, surreal and dream like. There has most definitely been some sort of shift in perception. Sometimes, everything just looked like a cartoon world. When I stopped taking it, I woke up from a dream and my visual field was surrounded by a kaleidoscope of strong hallucinogenic visuals. i think that this will be a beautiful way to die. I think antidepressants have removed a lot of inhibition that prevents me from killing myself. They lowered my inhibitions in general. Much like alcohol and other drugs. These days, my eye movements seem very still. I think it signifies that my thought process has completely stopped. Reached some sort of point of awakening perhaps I don’t know. Or maybe I’m just a brain dead zombie. I think entities implant suggestions and thoughts into people and influence us in ways we can’t see or perceive. ego hijacking so to say. Or hijacking the person with an erased ego maybe. I’ve also had memory loss. And some sort of emotional anaesthesia. I look at things and no emotional response is there. I felt like I could do anything because it was a dream and I could even act like a psychopath if I wanted to There are days where my family or people in general did not seem real. It’s like I saw through the lens of ego/self. I want to die and go all the way. I understand why so many people commit suicide while on psychiatric medicine. Because it very much removes the inhibition to do so.

@TheCloud I was just now doing some version of that again. Do you have a professional helping you do that? I was doing it alone again. Anyway, my findings were that I have a fixer who believes I am fundamentally broken and without the possibility of recovery I must be destroyed. I am trying to resolve my lack of self love through self destruction and ultimately suicide. I am basically trying to save myself through jumping off of a bridge while using self attacks disguised as love and care. There is a lot to it, but that is a bit of it. I feel calmer now.

I AM GOD! I AM CREATING EVERYTHING! ABSOLUTELY TOTAL! ABSOLUTELY SOVEREIGN! ABSOLUTE INSANITY! God is loving this reality. God doesn't care whether the human dies or not. However, suicide is a deception. God wants to experience and it designed the human experience. I'm hallucinating this human experience! I was able to awaken myself and go back to being human instantly. I tested that multiple times while tripping. Leo! I created you to remind me that I can wake up. God is a genius bastard. So much happened during the trip that I'm unable to write as of now! It was infinitely insane! I ate a cannabis gummy three hours after I consumed 150 mg N,N-DPT orally. It contained 5 mg THC, 5 mg CBD, and 5 mg CBG. My insane trip began 20-30 minutes after cannabis consumption. The peak lasted for two hours. But I'm still tripping. Almost all of my psychedelic experiences, although I've done very little before, are a joke compared to what I've experienced now. Ideas of psychedelic experiences are also a joke after you have an experience. Ideas of it will probably become an obstacle eventually without serious experience. Meditation will never, at least to me, be able to reveal something like that. My whole being wants to align with that experience. I feel a strong desire to emulate it.

TRIGGER WARNING DEATH AND SUICIDE !!! I’ve been watching gore since a teenager I’ve always been fascinated with death. From murders to suicide I don’t understand what’s so interesting about it. I guess it’s because I know it’s inevitable and one day will happen, Suicide has got to be my favorite of just being alive and boom pure nothingness etc. I know it’s not healthy but I love watching suicide videos I’ve thought about filming my death one day so I can be shared on the internet as a meme etc.

It’s not ‘the one’, it’s ‘oneness’. I understand what you are referencing here and I’ve experienced it both with and without another person. The state itself is certainly, energetically orgasmic but it is not god itself. it’s a likeness of a god state. Mystical unity is an experience of consciousness, and consciousness does not suddenly depend on genital dimorphism to reach non-duality. If that were true, intersex people, queer people, trans people, celibates, mystics, and entire traditions of monks would be metaphysically barred from God. This clearly isn’t the case. Sex can express unity — it is not the source of unity. People contain both masculine and feminine potentials within their own psyche.Jung, Tantra, Taoism, Hermeticism, and even the Platonic tradition all make this explicit.No external partner is required to complete an internal polarity. After years of deliberately avoiding anything to do with sex because I was born with a DSD, I went from hating anything to do with it to unconsciously exploring it out of desire. On the run up to my awakening, I was celibate for several years and certainly very peaceful and had a God realisation during that time. on the return journey I realised I’d made the mistake most Buddhists make by completely dismissing reality as an illusion and bypassing the experience of everything I had deconstructed to get a glimpse of the source. After reintegrating and understanding the facets of reality and that it is there literally for the infinite exploration of conscious experience, I understood ‘meaning and purpose’ in a reality with no inherent meaning or purpose. My choice to explore and be and that path for each person is personal. What is sacred to me is not to someone else. God doesn’t need to explore the same thing through every being. men going their own way and feminism in its own right is not deluded, but extremes of them are, due to extreme polarity bias separating from its opposite instead of realising it exists in contrast ( the whole). From personal experience, when I stopped projecting need for attention and intimacy onto my wife and instead turned the energetic flow of ‘love’ back into myself, it became a healing self love that completed and fulfilled me without the need of another. My wife did not need to do or be anything for me to love her because I was already in that state. It opened my heart and overflowed meaning there was love there for whoever came into my space. There’s a difference in love as projection and love as being. When I realised that state, my wife became more attracted to me. She felt safe and actually loved because she wasn’t being ‘needed’ or expected of. That made me, my personality and mood more stable and confident which was perceived as a strength to her. It also fully awakened my sexuality which in contrast before was completely shut down. It gave me an animation and vitality I’d never had before. However it is a very volatile energy that can not only create but destroy and too many gurus fall into manipulation to satisfy themselves. I am now a very sexual, sensual and intimate person ( that energy is there with or without others, male, female, anything in between, doesn’t matter) but it takes remaining conscious of internal psychological mechanism to not fall back into projection. The one thing that doesn’t happen is that even if I have moments of very strong urge, desire or desperation to experience intimacy with someone, my conscience won’t allow me to carry out any act of manipulation for my own satisfaction purely because I would never want to experience a unity with someone that didn’t genuinely want to connect at a deeper level with me. To me it is sacred, to me it’s god loving itself but that doesn’t mean it is to someone else. sex can mean very different things to different people. Many people do not obsess over sex. Trauma, conditioning, developmental stage, culture, and personal lived experience all drastically shift the role sex plays in someone’s psyche. It might be god to someone and absolute hell leading to suicide for someone else… Sex and intimacy can be sacred but only when approached consciously.They are not intrinsically sacred by default. People can experience unity through, meditation, contemplation, breath, stillness, creativity, service, psychedelic states, mystical encounters, emotional intimacy or through sex. Sex is one path among many.Beautiful, powerful, transformative — yes. Ontologically necessary — no.The danger is when something deeply meaningful to one person is assumed to be a cosmic law for everyone else.

If you guys wanna put it like that then obviously you won't die without it . Although I just read recently on the news a guy committed suicide because his fiancé left him. Maybe "love" is a real thing .

It’s like you are saying that everything arises from death and falls to death. Everything comes from death and returns to death. And death is God. The body being the thing that is the rotting corpse of God. Paraphrasing the German philosopher “Philip Mainlander” who too committed suicide along with his God. R.I.P. Peace.

I will share an experience with you why this is the exact attitude life forms of higher intelligence wont come down to save humans, its not their duty. Its your duty to evolve and expand your consciousness to the level required where you are closer to their frequency, maybe then they will consider it. Aliens exist and have been visiting earth for many for thousands of years, but more in private, only those who are of the correct frequency, who are not in deficiency and victim-hood. Why would you interact with ants that still war over race and religion and other petty nonsense humans argue and complain over today. We destroy our planet just to please our taste buds and feed our greed. The story goes a little like this: After going through the most challenging time of her life, full of darkness, rage, suicide, betrayal, heartbreak, she finally rose and stated that she will no longer give her power away to anyone or anything and believe anything or anyone is of a higher power, and rather she will only choose herself and truth and no longer fall for the bait, and even if aliens show up now I don't need them nor want their help, i can do it on my own. In that moment a bunch of orbs showed up in the sky that radiated a beautiful warm energy, but she stood firm and said: NO! not now, now i stand for myself. In that moment I got the message that because of this response, now they are even more curious about her than ever before, that most people will either run in fear or blindly bow to the higher lights, and yet she said: No thank you, and they vanished shortly after. Now they are impressed with that level of consciousness and stance, that is what draws them, when humans can stand in their own sovereignty and not need anyone or anything else but themselves to stand in love and truth. That is a trait of a high consciousness that they find admirable and worthwhile. Most people never attract such things because they are simply not ready for it, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and energetically, their entire system would overload under such radiance, and they don't like to dim down their vibration, they rather see your greater potential shine through. Eventually all humanity will rise to the collective level for open contact, but first everyone has to face all their darkness.

But isn't there some kind of progression ? Don't you need to evolve over many lifetimes before fully merging with infinity again ? And isn't it true that people who do the suicide thing need to come back for another round ? (To be honest i felt some great relief when i read your words, fear of death seemed to dissolve, but i also feel hesitant, residues of religeous conditioning still running deep.)

You're neuroleptic-pilled on genetics: if your identical twin has schizophrenia, you have a 40-50% chance of getting it. That's still a lot, but it's still not a perfectly genetic disorder (unlike say Huntington's disease). Severe (hospitalizable) depression has essentially identical numbers to schizophrenia (40-50% monozygotic twin concordance and 5-10% life expectancy reduction adjusted for suicide, smoking and obesity [AI]). It goes to show that even in the most severe forms of mental distress, on average, people seem to manage it quite well. But again, averages are illusive: if you go to the extremes of the extremes (say the top 1% of most severe depression), that's probably not anywhere you want to be. Same with smoking 3 packs of cigarettes a day or weighing 600 lbs.

I don't think people appreciate how profound conflict can break your health. People with schizophrenia have a ~15 years shorter livespan on average (granted like 70% of them smoke, but still). Actually, adjusting for suicide, smoking and obesity, probably 5-10 years lifespan reduction remains [AI]. That's on a similar level as lifelong smoking and severe obesity. But that's just an average, and the thing is people aren't usually in a state of conflict all the time, people are actually quite resilient, those who survive of course. Those who get truly stuck in conflict I think deterioate very quickly and die, but those cases are extremely rare.

If you want to commit suicide you've already done it; the pleasure here is in exposing it (in this case, on an online forum). There are plenty of ways to lose yourself, free yourself, and cumming without committing suicide. The world does indeed impose a certain degree of castration; you can't kill people for example lol; but you overestimate it, which pushes you toward psychotic episodes; because of decompression. You have no idea what will happen after death, and you only have this idea because something is pushing you in that direction, and what's pushing you in that direction is the belief that you can't express your energy in the world.

Keep fucking with me I am on the brink of suicide and you keep fucking with me you are just like nahm when soonhei ended up jumping you are about to be my own NAHM I hate you

### Owen Cook's "Endless Motivation" Masterclass: The Complete Breakdown (2025 Cut) This is the single most confrontational, high-octane, no-bullshit execution talk Owen has ever delivered. It’s not feel-good spirituality. It’s not another “meditate and manifest” video. It’s a war cry against the modern trance state he calls “derping” — and a complete system to become a relentless executor who actually gets massive results in every area of life. Core Framework: The Three States 1. Derper – Passive, numb, autopilot, path of least resistance. Driven by junk food, dopamine hits, short attention spans, fear of thinking (cortisol). Most of society lives here. This is the “2 + 2 = 5 because they said so” zombie mode. 2. Executor – You accept the cortisol of thinking. You force yourself to stay conscious. You fight the derp every single day with religious intensity. This is the foundation. 3. Transcendent – The higher spiritual states only become stably accessible AFTER you master execution. You can’t transcend while you’re still a derper eating Cheetos and forgetting where you put your keys. Key Insight Execution itself is a meditation. Sitting on a cushion for 20 minutes is great for ego dissolution, but if you’re still derping the other 23 hours and 40 minutes, you’re deluding yourself. Execution meditation (constantly breaking autopilot, asserting, auditing, pushing resistance) is the skeleton that allows real transcendence to grow flesh on it. The 25 Execution Meditation Practices (The Actual System) 1. Assert yourself in every situation (move chairs, lead the group, give energy). 2. Write everything down immediately — billionaires do, broke people think they’re too smart to need to. 3. Double/triple/quadruple check everything. Assume your brain is trying to trick you into laziness. 4. Do new things daily that scare your autopilot (left-hand brushing, cold showers, harder routes). 5. Constantly ask: “What else could I be doing with this time right now?” 6. Ruthlessly cut time-wasting activities (gossip, victimhood, mindless scrolling = spiritual suicide). 7. Audit in advance: “What could go wrong? How could this be misinterpreted?” 8. Extend your attention span deliberately — read the hardest books (Ulysses, Atlas Shrugged) until your brain stops begging for a nap. 9. Always choose the path of most resistance and most effort (stairs, not elevator; fix the thing now, not later). 10. Take total responsibility for yourself AND everyone around you — anticipate their derping too. 11. Proactively raise your emotional ceiling — get addicted to 9/10 states, not 5/10 numbness. 12. Stick to your principles even when it’s socially costly (don’t get dragged into pig-wrestling). 13. Seek truth, not popularity. Train yourself to think “Is this accurate?” not “Will this get me approved?” 14. Solve the hardest version of every problem (film in grizzly country, not your bedroom). 15. Think from other people’s paradigms constantly — marketing, leadership, conflict resolution all come from this. 16. Stop seeking ego-stroking “How was that?” from friends. Know your own standard. 17. Access transcendent states through flow, contribution, and pushing your edge — not just substances. 18. Install new empowering beliefs deliberately. 19. Seek brutal feedback only from people whose results you respect. 20. Connect every present action to its future consequence in real time. 21. When the inner voice says “you’re being lazy,” obey it instantly — no negotiation. 22. Test yourself in fluid, chaotic situations (sports, nightlife, crises) — normalcy bias kills. 23. Practice holding 20+ spinning plates in your mind at once. 24. Take extreme ownership — you are the white ball on the pool table, not the colored one. 25. Realize, multiple times per day, that you are in a trance — and snap out of it immediately. The Brutal Truth Owen Hammered Home Society is engineered to keep you derping (garbage food, jump-cut media, degenerate role models, fear porn). The people at the very top do not respect you. They think you’re food. They are correct — until you prove otherwise by executing so hard you become undeniable. Most “spiritual” content keeps you comfortable in derp mode because that’s where the money is (twin flames, LOA parking-spot manifestation, etc.). Real awakening requires you to first become a conscious executor who refuses the trance. Final Line That Should Be Tattooed on Your Brain “Any failure you have from this day forward is 100% on you. I just spent hours screaming this in your face. There’s nothing more a human can do.” If you actually implement even half of these 25 practices for 90 days, your life will be unrecognizable. Most people will watch this, nod, feel motivated for 12 hours… then go right back to derping. Don’t be most people. Fight the derp until you die. Your future self (and the world) is begging you to.

To not commit suicide, And boy is it hard..

I found this post on reddit and want to know what ya'll think about it... 25 years of Trump & Epstein "Friendship"! 2000: Trump learns Epstein trafficked and "stole" underaged masseuse Virginia Giuffre from Trump's adult spa. 2002: Trump says “I’ve known Jeff for 15 years. Terrific guy. He’s a lot of fun to be with. It is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side.” 2003: Trump sends note to Epstein: "may every day be another wonderful secret". 2007: Trump Bans Epstein from mar-a-lago after Trump got into a bidding war for a mansion they both were interested in. Epstein indicted. Epstein is tipped off in advance that he is about to be raided, and hires cleaners to wipe his hard drives and remove everything. Nevertheless, there is so much evidence that the police still found tons of homemade child porn and other incriminating documents, including instructions how to take delivery of a girl he bought in Thailand. 2008: Prosecutor Alex Acosta gave Epstein a sweet plea deal that destroyed all the evidence, and, get this: granted immunity to any unindicted co-conspirators. You read that right, Epstein's original FL plea deal not only wiped his record and gave him immunity, it also gave immunity to everyone he committed crimes and raped kids with, known and unknown! 2017: Acosta, who gave Epstein and all his co-child rapists immunity, becomes Trump's Secretary of Labor. 2019: Epstein is jailed again on new sex-trafficking charges. Under Trump's command, the federal prison where Epstein is being held takes him off suicide watch, moves him to a solitary cell where the cameras outside are not working, and forgets to make their rounds at the same that three minutes of camera footage are deleted from the hallway camera, during which Epstein dies. 2020-2024: The Biden administration prosecutes and convicts Ghislaine Maxwell, and begins sealed grand-jury investigations against other co-conspirators, in addition to releasing the largest trove of Epstein-related documents to date, including the "Epstein Tapes" in which Jeff Epstein (RIPiss) calls Trump his "closest friend for ten years". Trump campaigns on releasing ALL of the Epstein Files. Investigators find over 1.5$ BILLION USD of transactions connected to Epsteins bank accounts and are pursuing leads to find owners and recipients of those funds. 2025: Trump cancels the grand-jury investigations, fires the prosecutor, and claims Epstein is a "hoax" made up by Obama. Entire GOP votes to shut down the government in order to prevent a vote on the Epstein files. Trump DOJ has a secret meeting with Ghislaine and moves her to a fenceless minimum-security "club Fed" with work-release privileges. Trump administration intervenes to allow child sex-predator Tom Artiom Alexandrovich to flee to Israel in order to avoid criminal charges in Nevada. GOP Speaker of the house claims Trump was the FBI informant who brought down Epstein despite the same "informant" claiming it being a hoax by Obama... Which he is backtracked 2 days later. Trump ordered his DOJ and FBI to use over 1,000 FBI agents to redact his name from the Epstein files. Republicans voted to protect child rapists on Sep 10th. And have kept the government closed since October to prevent the seating of a elected democrat that would break the tie vote to release the epstein files. GOP is the party of pedophiles. Thoughts?

He doxxed the girlfriends and wives of multiple dating coaches and posted their photos to insult their looks, and I know another dating coach who said he had students who were arrested for following his advice. He also used the suicide of a social skills coach to insult him and advertise himself.

I went through a deep hopelessness this week. I think travelling I don’t sleep properly for 3 days. Then, starting this new job which is only for money I realized how I’ll have to endure actually doing it everyday…. I hate being a slave. Dark times, suicidal thoughts, hopelessness. Things which I feel from time to time. I lose the big picture of my dreams and how I strategically chose these jobs to solve problems. It’s just u sense I’m getting older which creates this panic of running out of time. Old age does scared me and I worry I’ll be too old before my dreams can be made real. Then, suicide is the only option because I’m not living a shithole old age wage slave life. I’m gonna keep focusing on sleep because that seems to be the thing that’s helping me bounce back. I also enjoy breathwork, Qigong, acupressure and journaling to help ground me. …. life should be profound and awesome. I don’t want a boring life tbh. I want success, creativity, and to make and share music in a meaningful way. Unfortunately, for whatever reason that isn’t guaranteed which is really stupid design. Again, solipsism and tinnitus, and how fucking hard reality is is a stupid design. I’m not saying it should be so easy to not have value but… tinnitus is a stupid feature to reality. Fuck God for tinnitus. anyway, I’m off to be a fucking wage slave.

Yes you're right by well being i meant happiness not confort. Yes but I'll tell you that it's because what matters is social relationships, money, stress, etc. While you propose idealistic assumptions; we're back to square one. Btw if you look at suicide statistics worldwide, there is no significant correlation between suicide and lifestyle. https://fr.wikipedia.org/wiki/Liste_des_pays_par_taux_de_suicide#/media/Fichier:Map_of_countries_by_suicide_rate,_WHO_(2019).svg Worst than that; if you take the european map of suicide rate (https://partibreton.bzh/disparition-du-docteur-philippe-carrer-le-parti-breton-salue-le-travail-eclairant-de-lethnopsychiatre/carte-taux-de-suicide-en-europe/) you see that actually the areas with the lowest suicide rates are modern and densely populated regions. In France, the rural and sparsely populated west (Bretagne, Normandie...) has a high suicide rate, while Île-de-France—the wealthiest and most densely populated region, where Paris is located—has the lowest suicide rate. The same is true in Poland if you compare the rate in the Warsaw region to other, less developed regions; the same is true in Spain, Italy, Romania, and most countries except Germany, although the region around Berlin always has an "abnormally" low rate. Great Britain, which is quite densely populated and has one of the smallest and most closely packed houses in Europe, has one of the lowest suicide rates; despite the weather, lol. Conversely the highest rates are in Northern Europe and even (though not as clearly seen) in Russia, in supposedly traditional northern qnd eastern regions. The more traditional and sparsely populated the regions, the more people tend to commit suicide; the suicide rate in Moscow is one of the lowest in Russia. https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Taux_régionaux_de_suicide_en_Russie_(2015).png

I'm moving away from insisting on a mechanically comprehensible meaning of life. The meaning of my life is whatever I'm doing right now. My reason to keep living is to keep doing whatever that happens to be. I know I'm going to die one day, but I don't know when or how. Insisting on knowing everything ultimately leads to insisting on knowing when and how I'm going to die, which is simply an act of suicide.

Suicide is extreme, and so far as I know, irrevocable. What less extreme options have you tried? Have you given away your possessions and gone on a pilgrimage? Have you tried fasting meditation? Have you tried it again? Have you tried moving somewhere else; if you're in the city, to the country; if you're in the country, to the city; if you're in the east, to the west, or vice versa? Have you tried psychedelics? Have you tried them under spiritual guidance? Have you looked for a different job? Have you openly violated oppressive social norms? My point isn't that you should do all or any of these things. My point is; think about how your fixation is specifically on suicide, when reason would dictate that there are invariably more options to be considered if you are even marginally healthy in body. If you just wait a while, you're going to die anyway. Why insist on receiving early what is already guaranteed?

I'll just put this out there; intrusive suicidal thoughts, once begun, are non-rational. I have a friend who had never been depressed or had a suicidal thought until he was in his late thirties and hurt his shoulder. It was nothing major that couldn't improve with physical therapy and certainly not a disaster to end one's life over, but he was and always had been materially and psychologically dependent on having a strong body, so he started on a downward spiral where he stopped eating, drank heavily, and openly talked about going out back with a rifle. Over time, his shoulder got better, and so did his mood. His suicidal thinking had a reason behind it, but I can't really call it rational. I myself, after being triggered by prolonged verbal abuse and neglect in my adolescence, had regular intrusive thoughts of ending my life until my early thirties, when they went away without any explanation. I just noticed one day that I hadn't had a suicidal thought for a few weeks. Nothing else had changed, I wasn't noticeably happier or wealthier or more enlightened, but I didn't think about my death anymore without deliberate effort. My point is that the reasoning behind thinking of killing yourself is arbitrary. Anyone could be triggered to think about suicide over any kind of loss or upset, depending on their personality. Your reasoning for suicidal ideation seems to me to at least be more reasonable than hurting your shoulder, but the fact is that someone else might go through what you went through and not think of suicide at all. Your circumstances are irrelevant, excepting that they are what triggered you. You're trying to reason your way through something that is not rational; there is no tipping point where you are supposed to or must commit suicide for any kind of reason. Whether you live or die is an arbitrary result of the fact that for billions of years, every single one of your ancestors without exception is the one who lived to reproduce. Suicidal thoughts are certainly a part of your suffering, and add to it. There's no greater meaning to them beyond that, though, other than that they are a window into the specific nature of your own consciousness.

Oh I was being mild. Every year before SRS I was turning over suicide plans in my head like making pancakes every morning. My anatomy was draining my will to live and ever since I had it done I haven't considered suicide a single time. I have half the self hatred I had before, and most of that turned into giggly perplexion that so many people seem to think conversion therapy works. It's probably because I'm not offering enough femininity to them which is why I made my pancakes analogy.

@Agrande It's tempting to believe there is an "easy" way out, but is there? I believe there isn't. I believe that even if you commit suicide, your energy/frequency continues to exist, and it will lead you to a "new dream" where you will have to overcome the same problems you face here. The only way forward is through your problems. The fastest way is to face things and resolve your shit. That's the purpose of Life.