Search the Community

Showing results for 'Nonduality'.


Didn't find what you were looking for? Try searching for:


More search options

  • Search By Tags

    Type tags separated by commas.
  • Search By Author

Content Type


Forums

  • Forum Guidelines
    • Guidelines
  • Main Discussions
    • Personal Development -- [Main]
    • Spirituality, Consciousness, Awakening, Mysticism, Meditation, God
    • Psychedelics
    • Society, Politics, Government, Environment, Current Events
    • Life Purpose, Career, Entrepreneurship, Finance
    • Dating, Sexuality, Relationships, Family
    • Health, Fitness, Nutrition, Supplements
    • Intellectual Stuff: Philosophy, Science, Technology
    • Mental Health, Serious Emotional Issues
    • High Consciousness Resources
    • Off-Topic: Pop-Culture, Entertainment, Fun
  • Other
    • Self-Actualization Journals
    • Self-Help Product & Book Reviews
    • Video Requests For Leo

Found 3,980 results

  1. yes - i think at the age of twelve in shamanism they would find their totem animal, think it’s not wrong to have a healthy mystical world understanding before nonduality. in steiner schools they say it’s important even in the early ages - you can work with the spiral through the ages before you introduce nonduality. (you can teach them nonduality better in nature than with anime, don’t forget the ants so fast - my mom let me watch animals all the time it’s super helpful)
  2. @Nadosa It may certainly seem like it is / was, but that was not an awakening. This is the opposite of being, or “deep in awakening and nonduality”. You should really consider addressing this psychologically, and or actually going much deeper into nonduality. If what you’re saying is true, then The Buddha was completely wrong. If you are claiming to have realized there is no self, then who has low self esteem? Who cares about the pedestal? Take action to find relief and happiness.
  3. ?? What insights could there be gained after 'hitting nonduality', there are no insights regarding 'the truth' afaik, except maybe to say that all is a perception Insights to me sound more like only being relevant to our personal life, like i.e. : 'oh shit, all this heroin I'm shooting is really messing up my life and that of my mom's, oh that's really not what I want'
  4. I will provide a bit of background. I have been meditating around an hour per day since March 2014 at the age of 17. Since then I have changed much as a person. I went vegan in 2014 and have been raw vegan since 2015. I have done psychedelics including cannabis, LSD and mushrooms for purposes of nondual entheogenic exploration. As a result of my consistent meditations and mindfulness I have had a number of peak nondual experiences. I had a kundalini awakening event in June of 2017 a few days after consuming psilocybin for the first time in which during a meditation I felt a jolt of energy surge up my spine and explode in my head. Additionally I have read more books in the past 4 years than I have in the last 10. My mind has wondered and contemplated the infinite complexities of existence daily for years now. I also went through a deep dark depression with suicidal thoughts from 2016 to 2017. I have consciously been on the path of nonduality for 4 years now and I know that everything in existence is fundamentally ONE and that everything is GOD. I am well aware of the infinite fractal nature of reality and I see infinite universes in everything, not hallucinations but a deep knowing and feeling of energy from past profound experiences. Systems thinking is now my normal mode of thinking after absorbing as much information as I have. The feeling of my mind melting all started back in mid-April of 2018; Age 21. I began to notice small changes in my cognition. My memory had begun to slow and become slightly hazy. I began to behave less efficiently and complete tasks less effectively. I have spent much time writing over the past year and a half and I have always been a good writer. However since this phenomena arose in my experience I have struggled to be able to string together sentences and thoughts in writing. Thus conveying ideas through writing is growing increasingly difficult. Even writing this is proving to be quite difficult whereas a year ago a post of this length would have been no problem at all. As the months went on this feeling became more and more apparent I my life. The seeming collapse of everything that constitutes my worldview has resulted in massive amounts of confusion which are making the completion of basic daily performance decline. On my worst days there are times where I cannot even get out of bed because the feeling of absolute confusion is so immense. Focus has gone down the drain. I am frequently forgetting to eat meals due to the absolute insanity of my mind feeling like it’s melting down, and there have been countless days I the past few months where I am eating on average 800 calories per day whereas normally I would be consuming 2,100 calories per day. As a result my energy levels have tanked. I have grown very sensitive to sound to the point where loud noises can be physically painful to my ears. All sounds are louder and sharper. I have always been introverted but now I am so easily overwhelmed by modern life. Making a living feels like a burden. I feel like all of my concepts of life, reality, who I am and what life is are all melting down and basic function is becoming increasingly difficult. There is always a feeling of pressure in my mind. I am not experiencing physical pain in the brain, but a pressure of the mind. Let me give an example, typically after wake up or finishing meditation my mind feels cool and free flowing for lack of better terms. When I am having a busy day working etc my mind is being stimulated and feels warm and active for lack of better terms. Now with this meltdown/ reconfiguration happening my mind always feels hot. For the past 3 months or so my mind has felt like an overheated computer CPU. For most of my life I have functioned with one particular mental configuration. Now it feels as if that well established configuration is melting down into an unrecognizable liquid to be rebuilt into a new reconfiguration. Using an analogy; similar to the life cycle of a butterfly I have spent the entirety of my 21 years of life in mental configuration 1 analogous to the caterpillar stage of the lifecycle. I feel like this year I entered the chrysalis stage of development in which all of my concepts beliefs established patterns etc are all melting down and being “liquefied” to be reconfigured and transfigured into something new, configuration 2; analogous to the liquefication of a caterpillar in a chrysalis getting ready to enter the next stage of its life being the butterfly. Hopefully I enter into the next phase of this process sooner rather than later. I’m not sure how much more of this I can take. School and work have become massive sources of sometimes crippling anxiety. I do not want to completely meltdown and loose the majority of the external structure of my life (being job loss, school loss and loss of stability) but as my mind continues to melt performance is declining in all areas of my life. I think that I am going to collapse soon. I recently had a bad panic attack regarding all of the stress this is inducing. I see broken people everywhere I go and it is hard because I can feel the pain of people I am around and yet my mind is at a point where even forming simple sentences is proving increasingly difficult. Some days I wish I never unplugged myself from the matrix of reality and society. Some days I just want to be plugged back into the matrix. Recently even my dreams are not forming correctly. The appearance of the dreamscape is now grainy and torn in many places in most of my dreams now. I feel like my 400ug LSD trip in November of 2017 changed my epigenetics. I felt like a different person afterwards. It was the most powerful experience I have ever had. I have used various meditation methods over the years and thus I have tried them to see if they could help with this and all have been unable to help mitigate this. For the first time in 4 years meditation has become relatively ineffective for me. I know the ego is trying to control everything and I should probably sit with this experience and let it pass similar to a thought in meditation but that’s really hard to do when my mind and life are slowly falling apart in front t of me. In the past couple of months I have been experiencing muscle twitches and spasms particularly in the areas of the face, neck, back and hands. The only other times I have ever experienced ongoing random muscle spasms like these were right before my initial awakening in 2014 and after I did mushrooms the first time in 2017. In the past I have limited myself to doing psychedelics 3 or 4 times a year. So I am not a frequent user. And I have always used them in a meditative setting. I have taken nootropics in the past for mental boosts as well. But since around June of this year I have been very wary of taking any substances that are mind altering (psychedelics, nootropics, medications, etc.) due to my current mental state, however if anyone thinks that there are nootropics that would benefit me I would like to know. I have always had a low sex drive but since my mind has started going through these changes my sex drive has shot up. I used to sexually relieve myself once a week or less on average and sexual thoughts have never been prevalent in my mind to the point of them being almost not a factor. However now I am sexually relieving myself 3 times or more per week and my mind has sexual thoughts every single day. Not sure if this is relevant but my music tastes are changing too. I have been listening to primarily ambient music since 2012, however in the past 5 months or so, strangely I have been listening to increasing amounts of rap, metal and dubstep. So all in all I need some help figuring out what is going on with my mind. Is this a kundalini awakening gone wrong? Is my energy messed up? Am I nutrient deficient? Changed neuroplasticity? I do not know what is happening to me or why this is happening but I think I simply went too fast in these past 4 years with all of the meditation, books, psychedelics, lucid dreaming, raw veganism, calisthenics and my mind couldn’t keep up with the mental activity and changes that have been happening. Please, to anyone who read through all of this any advice or help you’d like to share would be greatly appreciated. And thank you for taking the time to read through this post. Positive energy and high vibrations to you all.
  5. @Nadosa To put it in some framework / model, you’re trying to start at the top of Maslow’s pyramid and go into nonduality. Start at the bottom instead. Get the foundation in place. Look into counseling / therapy. Check your diet and physical well being. When you come back to this pursuit it will be from a much healthier perspective.
  6. A Mystic knows all the mysteries and dimensions of life inside out. He can basicly do anything. Travel through time and space or walk on water if he wants to. A sage is usually just a pleasent being who trancsended his identity and reached nonduality.
  7. @Mu_ what lies beyond the known is a solo journey. I’m only pointing to the barrier that traps the inattentive mind. I’m not interested in all the god/absolutist stuff on here. Many people speak of god yet still meet moment to moment life with images(the past). Many people speak of god yet are still bound by the center as well. Many people speak of god/the absolute/nonduality, yet still carry over there chattering minds, such as dreaming. A reaction (recorded experiences that are not carried out and ended on the spot by undivided awareness). Those who speak of god still tend to live the same ol unwholly lives. It all goes much deeper than “god”..When ones head goes missing that is the sacred. And how we live day to day life determines whether the sacred comes to, or whether we can live a life of continual dynamic stillness from moment to moment. Anyway im not one to identify with anything including god. To be headless means to stay empty/nothing(whole-alone). All “things” of thought are ashes born of yesterday. The creative doesn’t carry over the past. Let go of what has been...stay empty/nothing-alone, or don’t
  8. I couldn't agree more and I enjoy reading the Upanishads and the Gita as their explanations of God (Self, Brahman) are more straight-forward and to the point. But I also love to see how beautifully twisted the Bible can be in the hands of the ego-mind. Now that I can see the biblical teachings through the lens of nonduality, they are much more powerful and clear. Here is another beautiful quote from Job 33:6@Big Guru Balls "I am the same as you in God's sight."
  9. He has fell into the trap of calling himself a master on his way to mastery. This dude embodies nonduality but lacks epistemic knowledge. Psychedelics would deeply humble him, so would yoga and meditation but he think he has got it all. I honestly appreciate everything he is doing despite my opinions of him. Besides, he is not for everybody to watch, you need a lot of maturity to read between his lines. His vibe, passion, and intention is what keeps me watching, also he talks to his viewers so Im studying the dude so I can offer him something of significant although he seems to be very close-minded. He forsurely falls into the same traps he tells others to avoid. I love mycellf
  10. Nonduality INCLUDES the number 10, and everything else. That's similar to saying saying 1=10^(infinity). Yes, one is the first digit, but it is not equal. Further more. Mathematics is a man-made concept within nonduality. No mathematical equations will ever describe reality, just point to it or model it. The universe is not a number. "Infinity" is not a number. Within mathematics it can be manipulated like a number, and there's different sizes of infinity, so that should give you a hint at where math does not equal the territy.
  11. Becoming lazy because of spiritual growth is healthy, even if seemingly counterintuitive. Healing wounds, having realizations, raising your vibration, it all leads to changes in behavior. It might seem like you're taking steps backwards, but it only seems that way. Like Emerald said, you having what you considered positive traits, were likely just the byproduct of low vibrational behavior. For instance if I was afraid my family would disown me if I don't live the life they wanted, I might choose to work hard towards achieving some low vibrational goal. For instance, accrue wealth for the sake of greed and fear of being disowned. You'd be industrious, but extremely inauthentic, and in turn unhealthy. Authenticity is what this life is about, and it's what healing and spirituality moves you towards. If you're not doing what feels the most right to you, it's inauthentic. As you raise in vibration you start peeling back layer after layer of inauthenticity. You'll even find instances where inauthenticity led to a certain behavior, then realize a second layer of inauthenticity brings you back to the same exact behavior you started with. It's fascinating how that works, and it's because it's all about intention. Where your intentions lie, is where your authenticity or inauthenticity lies, not in the behaviors you exhibit themselves. Fortunately this back and forth of behavior does end. You'll eventually reach your healthiest state, pure authenticity with no energetic blockages/baggage. Then there is no more layers to peel back. The peeling of these layers, completely healing, is actually quite more difficult than realizing enlightenment. That's why you see these beings pointing towards nonduality in a way that's in no way helpful to anyone. They've achieved enlightenment, but did not do the work of healing, which is necessary to be able to fully comprehend the magnitude of existence. Then they try to teach others about it, while not actually even able to understand what it is they're even saying. It's like a 5 year old recognizing calculus could somehow be useful, then trying to explain to others the point of it. This is all to point to the importance of healing, which is completely underrepresented in spiritual communities, ironically. My best advice on this topic is whenever you notice something is painful, you're likely getting an opportunity to heal some sort of wound. Don't turn away from it, don't avoid it, face it. Face it without judgment, without trying to push it away. That's how you embrace authenticity. Suffering is the mechanism the universe uses to push us towards unity and love. And you might have noticed, the more you turn away from your problems, or the more combative you get with them, the worse they get. It's because the mechanism of suffering is designed to increase in intensity the more you avoid it. And some people will avoid it for so long that the intensity is increased to the point it literally kills them. Think cancer, heart attacks, autoimmune diseases. Those are just physical manifestations of the suffering an individual experiences and has never properly dealt with. People are so afraid to face their pain, they'd literally rather die. Hopefully in the upcoming generations, it will become common knowledge how disease manifests, and how to properly heal from our wounds.
  12. Marcus Aurelius is a very healthy embodiment of Blue. Even if you read Meditations you can see how he takes deep nondual understanding of God, nonduality, and Consciousness into a healthy blue perspective (which is all that Spiral Dynamics is mapping). This is not a knock on Marcus Aurelius at all. He is a very good example of strong healthy Blue in a time that was pretty much Red. You can have deep full nondual understanding and still be lower on the spiral. Remember, Orange, Green, Yellow hadn't even emerged yet. These are very new developments in perspective, world view, motives, and values (which is all Spiral Dynamics is tracking). Stoicism itself is a very healthy Blue (kinda Orange) philosophy which really values things such as: Honor Self-restraint Dignity That sense of being the upstanding valiant one Moral & emotional composure Submission of one's self-interest to one's state (country, land, territory, government, etc.) So on and so forth. Marcus Aurelius and his Meditations is a great piece to go back and work on remnants of positive Blue that people might not have fully worked through. I definitely wouldn't put Marcus Aurelius or even maybe people like The Buddha at Turquoise. Nondual understanding of all of reality doesn't really make you Turquoise. Turquoise is world-centric and people take for granted that there were still things such as slavery involved in that time. People completely take that for granted just to put these people on a pedestal. That's not to take away from The Buddha or any sages of that era and to say he was evil or bad. No. That was their time. That was the world view, perspective, etc. and full blown enlightenment doesn't really change that (more often than not). There was no Turquoise at that time because the world wasn't as connected as it is now where our society today is more all encompassing. Thus we have greater perspectives. Full blown enlightenment, understanding, and even embodiment DOESN'T automatically = Turquoise. The manner in which you embody God and the lens in which you view God depends upon one's level and stage in Growing Up, as Ken Wilber put's it. Sure there's correlation between deep non-dual understanding and mastery and Turquoise (or I should say, Turquoise has some apparent correlation to deep non-dual understanding) but as it's even said in science, correlation doesn't = causation.
  13. It might just be the phrasing tripping me up, but both "Father" and "them" seem to point to something separate from the speaker... Anyways I'm glad you see it as nonduality, I'll ponder it more.
  14. @Mikael89 Ya. Doesn’t matter when the “results” are observed, but it does matter if they are. Have you thought about the implication of the double slit, quantum erasure, “relativity”, nonduality and the law of attraction / no assertion? (In the cumulative sense) @Arthur Great post!
  15. @stevegan928 Some of this might be useful. https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/17747-nonduality-meditations/
  16. No statement can ever be absolutely true. All statements are dualistic and at best relatively and partially true. Absolute Truth is not a statement or an idea. It is what is actual. The entire actual universe and much more! Some aspects of solipsism point at one or two facets of the Absolute Truth, but Absolute Truth is way more grand and radical than solipsism would have you believe. Nonduality is a much better term than solipsism. But it is true that you are the only thing that exists. But NOT in the way you imagine.
  17. In the universe, "things" have a "nature". For example, stars, black holes, molecules, atoms, photons, sound, etc all behave in certain ways according to their nature. Furthermore, things behave differently as they evolve. Stars behave one way but once they are black holes, they behave another way. Enlightened individuals behave they way they individually behave according to their nature simply because that is the way it is. Why does light travel at its relative velocity? Because that is just the way it is. Nonduality is true. Duality is also true but at a different level. That is the paradox.
  18. @tsuki I didn't mean that they would have free will after enlightenment. I was saying that, even though we don't have free will we make choices (which actually are illusory) depending on our belief system. But since on enlightenment one realizes nonduality of the world and there is no 'good' and 'evil' anymore than how do they decide what to do, since each thing is equally good. Either you hit your head at wall continuously or sit at one place continuously or go have sex with many men/women or go kill your nieghbour, they are all supposed to be equally good, because there is no duality. (They are all different arrangement of atoms in this universe caused by physical laws) SO, why don't they do 'evil' things ? Because for normal people its social conditioning, fear of jail, morality etc, but enlightened person is beyond the thought based things.
  19. @Tony 845 there were about 2 months where i was like 'damn life is great' after i had my first awakening. then all hell broke lose for 10 (with plenty of nice peaks though). stay mindful and don't stop practicing. and if u have kundalini i highly, highly reccomend the teacher craig holliday as well as the K books on Leo's list! I don't have direct exp of such, but i am fairly confident from that Craig and those books can efficiently help you go from kundalini to nonduality
  20. @SQAAD I'm not quite sure what you mean. If I lived in a different reality, then I would never meet you. So, by definition, doesn't everyone you meet have to share your current, inherent reality? Am I missing something? Of course people can be on different frequencies or levels of Consciousness, but everyone you've ever met shares your reality. Has to. Unless you're starting to doubt whether anyone else is real or not... That can't be possible, because if you were the only valid point of Consciousness in the universe, and the universe unfolded around solely you, then there would have to be something outside of you. You'd have to be living in some type of simulation, with another real world "out there," and that outer world would have to be nondual. The reason nonduality is the Ultimate truth is because everything is one, and it embraces the paradoxes we see out in the world. You; along with everyone you've ever met, is a sliver of this infinite consciousness, all one. As it has to be.
  21. Time is a strange beast. It'll enslave you. If you're really interested in Truth, then the illusion of time can't be something to put your hopes on. That's what everyone else does. "Give it more time, it'll work itself out." "Give a single cell billions of years of time, it'll turn into present-day nature." When has time EVER been on your side? Time is the only thing we don't have. Why would you trust in time if time is an illusion? It sounds like your metaphysics is still grounded in materialism (there are more subtle forms of it). The perspective that "change = distance divided by time" is useful for physics and modeling, but in your own life, you've recognized that all you have is the present moment. Hmmm, how do we make sense of this? From the conscious, present awareness that you are, what does "change" really mean? Is every single cell in your body not changing in every moment? And yet, does the background presence that you are ever change? What is change? How does that relate to your current understanding, and how could that relate to nonduality? How do you bring about change in your own life? And if you're inclined to say "well I need a goal and some time" then ponder whether there's a more direct path or understanding to be had. You may have many misconceptions about what spirituality really is. I highly recommend watching Leo's video on What is Spirituality. But ask yourself: What is spirituality? Is spirituality about meeting some other celestial beings? Woo-woo stuff? Or is it about knowing one's own spirit or self? What could be a higher calling than that. to truly know thyself? Any time you reach to grab Truth with your mind, you instantly take two steps back. Try to understand why this is always the case; it's more certain than the laws of physics. Then become directly conscious of how this happens in real time. Ask yourself: Am I aware? Did you need to think to come up with the answer? It's not a trick question. It's as direct as can be. If you had to think about the answer, then that's the problem right there. Awareness comes prior to thinking, reasoning, seeing, tasting, touching, feeling, emotions, everything. If you can truly understand and experience this, then that's as pure of a spiritual/mystical experience as you will ever get. If really hope I didn't just confuse you more, lol. Laugh. Love. Live. What more could you possible want? There seems to be an egoic longing within you still. Try to locate what that is. And don't attack it. Genuinely try to understand it. Every facet, every angle. Love it. Get to know yourself before you even begin to transcend.
  22. @Leo Gura He teaches you how to get laid, make money through creating value, taking the right opportunities, and he approaches it in such a systematic manner where he goes in depth about every factor that is contributing to a specific goal and how all different factors function together . Kind of like what you do. You both address the heart of the problem, and from there architect a solution that is sustainable, real and takes in consideration all factor. But nowadays i can't see why Eben's advice would not be appealing to both higher level consciousness and lower level consciousness persons, I actually think its something flawed within his marketing strategy, he isn't advertising himself to a larger audience. And yes i do think it would also appeal to ORANGE, it's not like ORANGE is dumb, it just values self interests, and that's precisely what he teaches you. He doesn't have to water down his teachings for them to appeal to ORANGE, look at Sadhguru for example, his teachings are TURQUOISE but despite that a chunk of his followers are surprisingly, ORANGE (looking to take advantage of some of the benefits, like emotional control, or stopping the monkey mind, or feeling peace) and with Eben he's not teaching you NONDUALITY, hes teaching you to fuck chicks and become a creative money maker ! What more could appeal to ORANGE? But maybe i'm wrong, maybe ORANGE is impulsive and doesn't like to think hard and long in systems to manifest their self interests. It's just a shame that a person like Eben Pagan is getting an average of 500 views, within the first year of a video going up. His advice is much more advanced and valuable that some Tony Robbins feel good shit or some bullshit non systematic CharismaOnCommand advice, Their advice is good to hear and watch and heck even resonate with in the moment, but never is it gonna take you to that second or third step in your life and never is it gonna teach you the skills to actually cultivate mindsets to be able to make your own advice, your always dependant on them for the next piece of non root addressing solutions for problems.
  23. Chapter 3. I wondered how long it would take before I slithered my way back into journaling. Two weeks. Not bad. This was my first incarnation, at the birth of the forum: That JJ guy had a few awakening experiences and immediately latched onto the spiritual ego like a baby on his mother's breast. He wanted to proselytize everyone around him to join "Group Consciousness," a coalition against all sleepwalkers. He preached from the bible of Neoadvita, using poetic Jed McKenn-an lines such as "There's nowhere to go," "Life is play," and "Stop seeking." Little did he realize, the group leader himself was an unconscious dimwit. Whoops! And then, the second incarnation: After realizing that initial spiritual awakening was not a cure-all for chronically low self-esteem, that JJ guy almost killed himself through orthorexia, an unhealthy obsession with healthy eating. He stopped running from the grief, the shame, and the anger of past hurts - and proceeded to fall apart. Back and forth, back and forth, he oscillated from immense love to immense hopelessness. He was standing at the edge of oblivion, looking down at the gaping hole, pondering about meaning and what to do next. But the Universe found many ways to save his life, whether through a yoga pose, a song, a book, or a few lovely forum members. He thought he wanted to be a musician. But after being immersed in the field for a few years, the motivation waned. Idealistic blinders removed, he made one final effort to publish five songs. And that was that. I haven't picked up the guitar or sang in a few weeks. The musician in me is dead, and I'm currently in the grieving process. Now, it's time to get real. I've had some profound awakening experiences. I have agape moments - those moments where you are so grateful to be alive that it tears your heart to pieces. But I still commit spiritual procrastination every day. I know the path (i.e. real life), but I avoid walking it. Nonono, let's not sugar-coat this with, "There are no such thing as problems, because #nonduality! Just contemplate! DOI DOI!" Been there, done that. Definitely helps to have that perspective, but if I want to be somewhat human again (which I think is preferable to being a nondual drunk-on-emptiness camel), I think it's a good idea to be as honest as possible with myself and re-establish balance in my life. Issues: Chronically low self-esteem. I spent most of my young adult life being bullied and sucking up to others. Now I subconsciously believe I'm unworthy. I also believe that I don't deserve to get what I want. Hence the spiritual ego, hence the desire for purity in mind, body, and spirit. Chronic social anxiety. I'm years behind in my social skills. I notice my subtle body contracts whenever I'm around people. I feel like I'm being judged all the time. Knee-jerk depression. It's 50% gone since I re-introduced meat back into the diet, but I still have some lows here and there. Being an INFJ and HSP, especially in a society that wants everything opposite to my personality. I judge myself harshly and beat myself up for not being like everyone else. ADHD. Again, tweaking the diet's helped a ton with this. Supporting myself financially. Uhhhh, what's a jorb? Body tensions. Improved a lot since starting hatha yoga, but still terrible posture, back pain, and psychosomatic issues. I don't know how to be a friend. No, seriously. I have acquaintances, but virtually no friends. I don't reach out to people, not even my brother. I don't know how. Sexual repression. Likely due to past heartbreaks and weird Freudian shit in childhood. Living in a town surrounded by old retirees as a twenty-something. Desires: I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I want to love myself as I am. I want to be comfortable around everyone. I want to be as open as possible. I want to serve others. I want to feel joy again. I want to find my place. I want to be able to commit to things and focus without abandoning ship at any sign of failure. I want to choose what I watch on Youtube instead of the other way around. In the meantime, I'd like to have an enjoyable day job that doesn't sap my energy, so I can support myself. I'd like to feel like I'm actually in my body and not feel like an alien. Having a friend scares me and feels too labor-intensive, but I think it would be nice to try. I'd like to try dating again at some point. I want to live on my own again. I likely missed a couple things, but they'll appear later in this journal. Now is the time to learn how to do this adult human thing, one small step at a time. Now is the time to go from point A to point B. Now is the time for a journey to elsewhere.
  24. a lot of south american shamanism is rain forrest shamanism, i’m sure you can find shamans there if you go search for them, i even guess they will teach you a very direct nonduality. i guess it’s different as the ancient big cultures of south america like aztecs, maya and inca didn’t make it until now, the old cultures are subconsciously more suppressed even, they couldn’t transform their knowledge in the same way as india or most asian cultures did, due to historical reasons, so they never developed in that sense “mainstream” sages or techniques. i started to read carlos castaneda quotes like fortune cookies... in my experience the “sages” from south america i heard of - if you can call them sages, are mostly story tellers, like clarissa pinkola estes. and there is a lot to learn from ethnological research of stage purple communities and family living and how they interact with nature.
  25. @Inliytened1 Eben is stage yellow. Just because he doesn't teach straight up nonduality, don't write his teachings off as "lesser."