Search the Community

It doesn't matter whether seeking occurs or not because there is no goal or end result that needs to occur. When the body dies, there won't be a memory of the suffering or the bliss that was experienced. There won't even be the slightest remembrance of existence. It simply can't be done right or wrong, because right & wrong are conditioned concepts ultimately lacking in reality. ❤

Where does one begin the search for spiritual truth self-realization called enlightenment? Dr. David Hawkins’ List Below has been calibrated above 500, which is unconditional love. I find this list important, as I do not want to be duped (smile) on my spiritual path by any book or teacher not yet teaching from the conscious level of (500+ which is unconditional non-duality love.) Hawkins’ Consciousness Scale ranges from 0-1000, (1000 is the Highest Level of pure/consciousness humanly possible.) “The great avatars that set the ultimate paradigm of reality and standard of conduct for all of humanity for thousands of years. Of those, the Lords Krishna, Buddha, Zoroaster, and Jesus Christ all calibrate at 1,000. All the names for Divinity calibrate as Infinity. The revered great sages and their teachings calibrate in the 700 (extremely rare), such Huang Po and Ramana Maharshi.” -Hawkins After being a student of Dr. Hawkins for a while now, I can share with you that I have forever been changed by his love. Although I’m not yet Enlightened I’m certainly on the path and nothing would take me off it, as I have discovered God’s Love is my LIFE. According to Hawkins we, as humans, live at vastly different “levels” of consciousness. All these levels, along with the “truth level” of ANY true/false style inquiry, can be tested for truth and numerically “calibrated” through muscle testing, on a logarithmic scale of 1-1000. According to Hawkins, any person, concept, thought or object that calibrates at 200 (The level of Integrity) or above is positive (“power”); anything below 200 is negative (“force”). So far, so good. Hawkins’ “map of the levels of human consciousness” is highly consistent with most spiritual teachings, running the range from Shame (lowest) to Enlightenment (highest). Hawkins’ descriptions of the levels are accurate; his personal growth coverage , positive energy and similar concepts are spiritually sound. (This is further discussed in Dr. David Hawkins book, Power vs. Force) Below is Dr. David R. Hawkins, M.D., Ph.D. ‘List’ of calibrated Spiritual Teachers/Teachings/Places/Books and Mantras that are over the conscious level of 500 UNCONDITIONAL LOVE: [500] – LOVE This level is categorized by love that is very close to being unconditional, unchanging, and permanent. It does not fluctuate nor does it depend on external factors. Love is a state of being. It is a forgiving, nurturing, and a supportive way of relating to the world. It is not intellectual and does not come from the human mind. Love radiates from the heart Chakra. It has the capacity to life others and accomplishes great feats because of its purity of motive. At this level of consciousness, the capacity to discern essence becomes predominant. The core of an issue becomes the center of focus. As reason is bypassed, there arises the capacity for instantaneous recognition of the totality of a problem. Reason only deals with particulars, whereas Love deals with entireties. This ability, often called intuition, is the capacity for instantaneous understanding without resorting to sequential symbol processing. There is a major paradigm shift in those things, which seemed real, which now seem unreal and vice versa. This level opens to door to benevolence, mercy, and Forgiveness through understanding and nonjudgmental. Only 4% of the entire population of the earth attains this level. Because of the dominating power of light over darkness, one individual at this level counterbalances 750,000 people below the 200 levels. This is the level at which spirituality starts, since below this, individuals are still caught up in the linear world. Also the level of a songbird’s song, cat’s purr, and a dog’s wagging tail. [505] – The level of valor. Also the level of Dante. [510] – The current level of Catholicism. Also the level of the Ganges River, which demonstrates the power of spiritual intention, the power of prayer. It calibrates there despite having sewage from 100 metropolitan areas, all kinds of filth, even bodies. [520] – This level interestingly sees much country music, which may be due to the lyrics often speaking about the problems of the heart, emotionally speaking. [535] – The energy level of Christmas, which is probably due to the common practice of giving gifts to others and having festive celebrations with good tidings. [540] – Joy – At this level, love truly becomes unconditional. It becomes experienced as inner joy. This is not the sudden feeling of joy because of a turn of events. Rather, it is a constant accompaniment in everything the individual does in every moment of his or her life. Joy comes from each moment of existence. This is also the level of healing and spiritually based self-help groups. What has been known as ‘miracles’ occurs when someone is at this level of consciousness. Only 0.4% of the global population is at this level. This is also the level of truth of Christian practice in the 6th century AD. This is the level at which the third eye opens, physically known as the Pineal Gland. Devotional acts calibrate at 540, because of the power of their intention. Includes folding hands in prayer, kneeling to pray, genuflection, praying at the Wailing Wall, turning a prayer wheel, etc. [540+] – From this level upward, it is the domain of saints, advanced spiritual students, and healers. A capacity for enormous patience and the persistence of a positive attitude in the face of prolonged adversity is characteristic of this level. The hallmark of this state is Compassion. [540] – The calibration of the music of George Harrison, on an overall basis. Also the level of Socrates. [540-600] – This level of consciousness is reached after a person has a Near Death Experience, which are spiritually transformative and allowed individuals to quickly get to this level. At this level, the world seems illuminated by the beauty and perfection of creation. Everything happens effortlessly, by synchronicity, and the world and everything in it is seen to be an expression of love and divinity. A Presence is felt whose power facilitates phenomena outside conventional expectations of reality, and often termed ‘miraculous’ by the ordinary observer. The spiritual teachers in this level are the ones who have the most contact with significant numbers of people. At this level, joy leads many to become spiritual and inspirational teachers, healers, great artists, or even architects who create the great cathedrals that involve sacred geometry, great inspirational music, and the production of beauty in all its forms. Many major persuasions of Christianity including Roman Catholicism, Anglicanism, Christian Science, and many small denominations such as the Quakers calibrate on this level. [560] – Carl Jung was at this level. Sigmund Freud was below the level of 500 because of his denial of man’s spirituality, whereas Jung affirmed the spiritual nature of human beings. [575] – The level consciousness of ecstasy. [600]- A Course in Miracles (Workbook year of 365 days of lessons.) According to David Hawkins, ACIM calibrates around 600+, making it very factual, and quite enlightening. Here is what Hawkins says about the Bible: Quote: The Old Testament calibrates at only 190. However, Genesis is at 660, Psalms is 650, Proverbs is 350. If these are excluded then the remaining Old Testament calibrates at only 125. The New Testament calibrates at 640. However if Revelations were removed (calibrates at only 70) then the New Testament would calibrate at 790. The current bible calibrates at 475 as a whole. To make it authentically “Holy” as the title implies, it would have to exclude all of the books of the Old Testament (except Genesis, Psalms and Proverbs) and Revelations. If that were done, then the bible would be truly “Holy” and calibrate at over 740. Importantly, the Lamsa version of the bible (Translated from Aramaic, Jesus’ language) is more accurate than the King James Version (translated from Greek). It calibrates 20 points higher. If the Lamsa bible excluded the old testament (except Genesis, Psalms, Proverbs) and revelations it would calibrate at 810. If Revelations were removed from the Lamsa version of the New Testament, it would calibrate at a whopping 880. Society calibrates at 204 I think he said, with great minds on earth calibrating around 499-510 ranges. So at least according to Hawkins, ACIM is very important and highly relevant work. Hawkins own books calibrate from 850-999.5 ranges them, with 1000 being maximum for humanity – that is what Jesus was when he was walking the earth. Hawkins further says that in his calibration studies, students of ACIM at lesson 75 become “Immune” to negative stimuli. He says that this seems to be the critical point in the studies, but that they must be followed from 1-75 before it all really clicks for people. [600] – Peace – This level is associated with the experience designated by such terms as transcendence, Self-Realization, and Christ consciousness. It is extremely rare. Only 1 in 10,000,000 attain this at any given time. It is quite common that individuals at this level remove themselves from society, as the state of bliss that ensues precludes ordinary activity. Some become spiritual teachers; others work anonymously for the betterment of mankind. A few also become great geniuses in their respective fields and make major contributions to society. These individuals are saintly and may eventually be officially designated as such, although at this level, formal religion is commonly transcended and replaced by pure spirituality, from which religions originated. Bliss intervenes at this level and worldly activities stop, sometimes permanently. This level is also noted for the crossing over from the perceptual world of duality, to the perceptual world of Nonduality. Beyond this level, previous lives are easily remembered as well as the circumstances and significance of each life. One individual at this level counterbalances 10,000,000 below the level of 200. Perception at this level is reported as sometimes occurring in seemingly slow motion, suspended in time and space. Nothing is stationary and all is alive and radiant. Although this world is the same one that is seen by others, it has become continuously fluid, evolving in an exquisitely coordinated evolutionary dance in which significance and source are overwhelming. There is an infinite silence in the mind, which has stopped conceptualizing. Enlightenment is reached at levels 600 and higher. A Tibetan abbot once said that Peace is of the greatest importance in our world today. In the absence of peace, we lose what we have gained. In the presence of peace, all things are possible: love, compassion, and forgiveness. Peace is the source of all things. This is also the level of kinesiology. [605]- The level of the Kabbalah and Aurobindo. It is a set of esoteric teachings meant to explain the relationship between an eternal/mysterious Creator and the mortal/finite universe. [610] – The level of Lao Tzu and his teachings. [630] – The calibration of the phrase Om Namaha Shivaya. [640] – The King James Version of the New Testament. [650] – The Book of Psalms. Also the level of ‘I AM’ awareness and Awareness of the ‘I’ as being or is-ness. Also the level of “Shanti Shanti Shanti”. The Lord’s Prayer also calibrates on this level. [660] – The perception of the Self as simply Existence. [700-1000] – Self-Realization and Enlightenment – An individual at this level counterbalances the negativity of 70,000,000 individuals below the level of 200. This is also the level of Sages. The Self is seen as God Manifest. The Declaration of Independence resonates at this level. The Koran also resonates at this level, as it was written before the fall of Mohamed after he ‘took up the sword’. [700s] – The Aura emanating from individuals calibrating at this level has an attraction and an effect on visitors. They like to be near the presence of these individuals because they feel incredible inner peace. Serenity replaces fear and anxiety in those who are around individuals on this level. A typical statement given by a person on this level would be something like “There is no world to save; reality is just an illusion.” A statement such as this is not understandable to most at lower levels. [700] – The level of the phrase Om Mane Padme Hum [705] – The level of the Rig Veda [700+] – There are 22 sages on this planet who calibrate at this level or higher, according to Dr. Hawkins. Of those, 20 of them are at 800 or more, of whom there are 10 at or over 900, and one sage at 990. [740] – The mantra Om, as opposed to Aum, which is a serious alternation and is why it calibrates at the extremely low-level of 65. This is also the level of the New Testament, if the Book of Revelations is included. This is also the level of Mohamed at the time he wrote the Koran, before dropping to 130 after he ‘took up the sword’ at age 38. ‘I’ is seen as a total statement As the Ultimate Reality. [750] – Manifestation calibrates at this level. What appears to be change is the emergence of potentiality out of essence into manifestation. This is also the level of the Lamsa translation of the New Testament from Aramaic. [760] – Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi [780] – The Heart Sutra and the Lotus Sutra. [795] – Bodhidharma as well as the Zen teachings. [800] – Teacher of Enlightenment. [800s] – There is not much that is known about this level range. However, it is seen that salvation of all of humanity is a main priority and concern. [810] – The level of Ramayana [840] – The Self is seen as Beyond Existence or Nonexistence. [850] – The higher Self as Logos. This is also the level of Hinduism currently. Also the level of Void, Oneness, Nothingness, Reality as Consciousness, and Reality as Awareness. [855] – The level of Allness [890] – Hinayana Buddhism (lesser vehicle) and Zen Buddhism. [800s and 900s] – Salvation of humanity as a whole is of primary concern. Spiritual reality, essences, and understandings are of importance. Form and its details are irrelevant except as a necessary style for communication. Physical discomfort starts to increase quite visibly in these levels of consciousness. [900] – Buddhism was this level in the 6th century AD. The teachings of this particular religion have deteriorated less than any other religion. [910] – The Bhagavad-Gita [930] – the level of the esoteric teachings of Jesus Christ as of the 2nd century AD, some of which survived in the Gnostic texts. “After my departure there will arise the ignorant and the crafty, and many things will they ascribe unto Me that I never spake, and many things which I did speak will they withhold, but the day will come when the clouds shall be rolled away, and the Sun of Righteousness shall shine forth with healing in his wings.” ~Jesus, The Essene Gospel of Peace. [960] – Mahayana Buddhism (greater vehicle). Also the level of Huang Po (his book “Dharma of Mind Transmission” is at the level of the void 850, and was written before Po transcended to 960). [965] – The Buddha’s Law of Dependent Origination or Interdependent Co-Creation. [965] – Transcending the Levels of Consciousness, by David R. Hawkins [970] – The Upanishads The Upanishads -are Hindu scriptures that constitute the core teachings of Vedanta. The Upanishads have exerted an important influence on the Hindu philosophy and were collectively considered one of the 100 Most Influential Books Ever Written by the British poet Martin Seymour-Smith. [985] – This is the level of an Avatar. [990] – There is only one living sage at this level, according to Dr. Hawkins. [999] – The statement “There is no cause of anything” calibrates at this level. [1000] – This is the maximum energy level that can be tolerated by the human body and nervous system. It is the extremely rare level of avatars from ages past. No human has ever existed with a consciousness calibration higher than 1000. The archetypes Christ, Buddha, and Krishna are at this level. This state is also the existence of Buddhahood, Christ Consciousness, At-Oneness with the Source Manifest and Unmanifest. Beyond the human realm of consciousness possibility: [1000+] – Buddhahood, Brahman, Christ, Krishna, The ‘I’ of Ultimate Reality. Infinity – The Source of reality manifest as divinity. The supreme creation Source of consciousness eternal. The Source of all that is. Interesting Facts Concerning consciousness calibration, there are some very interesting facts. * Powerful patterns are associated with health; weak patterns are associated with sickness. Every thought, emotion, word & action has one pattern or the other. Every moment of our day we are either moving towards health or sickness. * Everything calibrates at certain levels from weak to high including books, food, water, clothes, people, animals, buildings, cars, movies, sports, music etc. * A good amount of the music today calibrates at levels below 200. Hence it leads to behavior associated with lower energy levels of consciousness. * Most movies will weaken people who watch them by bringing their energy levels down below the 200 level of consciousness. * 85% of the human race calibrates below the critical level of 200. * The power of the few individuals at the top counterbalances the weakness of the masses. o 1 individual at level 300 counterbalances 90,000 individuals below level 200 o 1 individual at level 400 counterbalances 400,000 individuals below level 200 o 1 individual at level 500 counterbalances 750,000 individuals below level 200 o 1 individual at level 600 counterbalances 10 million individuals below level 200 o 1 individual at level 700 counterbalances 70 million individuals below level 200 o 12 individuals at level 700 equal one Avatar (eg. Buddha, Jesus, Krishna) at level 1,000 * Any meaningful human satisfaction cannot even commence until the level of 250 where some degree of self-confidence begins to emerge. * When one’s consciousness falls below 200 at any given moment you start to lose power and thus grow weaker and more prone to be manipulated by one’s surroundings. * Parts of one’s life will calibrate at a higher level of consciousness while other parts will calibrate a lower levels. It’s the overall average that determines one’s consciousness. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ List of Books – muscle tested by D. Hawkins BOOKS Bhagavad-Gita 910 Vedas 910 Zohar 720 Ramayana 810 Mahabarata 780 Kabala 720 Apocrypha 740 Tora 740 Koran 700 Heart Sutra 780 Lotus Sutra 780 Diamond Sutra 700 Gospel of Thomas 660 Dead Sea Scrolls 650 Book of Kells 570 Vedanta 595 King James bible 475 Lamsa bible 495 Genesis (Lamsa) 660 Psalms 650 Proverbs 350 New Testament (KJ) 640 Lamsa bible (minus Old Testament& revelations, but including Genesis, Psalms, & Proverbs 880 Tibetan Book of the Dead 575 San Hedron 240 Yoga sutras (Patanjali) 630 A Cource In Miracles 600 Book of Mormon 510 SPIRITUAL PRACTICES Christian communion 700 Transcendental Meditation 220 Qiqong 195 Tai chi 310 Hatha yoga 260 Kung Fu 410 Rebirthing 250 Est 400 Sedona Releasing 490 Avatar workshops 245 Seth books 470 Reiki 285 Scientology 195 Rosicrucian 405 Science of Mind 405 I Ching 430 Theosophy 365 Druids 450 PRAYERS AND MANTRAS Lord’s Prayer 650 Om 740 Om Namaha Shivaya 630 Shanti Shanti 650 Om Mane Padme Hum 700 Gregorian Chants 595 Japa 525 Jesus’ Prayer 525 Rosary 515 Prayer of Jabez 310 Cursing (Lord’s name in vain) 45 Damning people to hell 15 Ankh (symbol) 160 Shaktipat Energy 160 SPIRITUAL CONCEPTS “None get to heaven but by me” 940 Eye of the I 900 I (as divinity) 980/998 I (as allness) 990 I (as void) 990 I (as supreme) 1000 Buddha Nature 1000 Justice 380 Justice as “eye for an eye” 375 Theology 460 RELIGIONS BUDDHISM Mahayana 980 Zen 890 Hinayana 890 Lotus Land 740 Tantric 515 Tibetan 490 Won 405 CHRISTIANITY 1st Century 980 After Council of Nicea 485 College of Cardinals 490 Papacy 570 Coptic 475 Born Again 350 Gnostic 290 Modern Protestantism 510 Christian Science 410 Modern Catholicism 440 Jesuit Order 440 Catholic position on pedophelia 90 Amish 375 Quakers 505 Unity 540 Pentacostal 310 Puritan 210 TV Evangelist 205 LDS (Mormon) 390 7th Day Adventist 190 Right Wing fundamentalist 95 Right wing fund. Tv evang. 90 Jehovah’s Witness 195 HINDU Ancient 700 Modern 499 Hari Krishna 460 Subud 470 Sikh 420 Tamal Siddha Vedanta 330 Raja Yoga 485 Sahaj Marg 410 Jainism 495 Islam 700 Current Mohamadism 325 Muslims 205 Shiite Muslims 55 Judaism (modern) 530 Shinto 350 Taoism 500 Unification Church 150 Wicca 160 New Ageism 185 NAMES OF GOD Buddha Nature (as allness) 1000 Buddha Nature (as void) 980 Native American Great Spirit 850 Yahweh 460 Jehovah 205 Elohim 100 God of Old Testament 100 Greek Gods 90 Germanic Gods 90 Scandinavian Gods 90 Gods of War 90 Pagan Gods 100 Name of God as “OM” tests negative God Transcendent 1000 God Immanent 1000 SPIRITUAL TITLES Master 700 Saint 700 Lord 1000 Angels 550 Archangels 50,000 Enlightenment 600 Teacher of the Way to Enlightenment 800 Pope 570 True Guru 540 + Guru (prior to 1960’s) 540 Guru (since the ’60’s) 190 Baba 190 SPIRITUAL TEACHER CALIBRATIONS Avatars Jesus Christ 1000 Buddha 1000 Krishna 1000 Zoroaster 1000 Spiritual Teachers Huang Po 960 Gandhi 760 Mother Theresa 710 Meister Eckhart 700 Chief Detroit 650 Karmapa 630 Muktananda 750 Vivekananda 610 Ramakrishna 620 Rabbi Moses de Leon 720 Nisargadatta Maharaj 720 Ramana Maharshi 720 Ramesh Balsekar 760 Confucius 590 St. Patrick 590 Wallace Black Elk 499 John Calvin 580 John Wesley 360 Martin Luther 580 Dalai Lama 570 Maharishi Mahesh Yogi 410 Robert Powell 575 Joel Goldsmith 455 HWL Poonja 370 Wei Wu Wei 475 Charles Filmore 485 Padmasambava 595 Satchitananda 605 Meher Baba 240 Sri Karumay 221 Tenzin Gyaltsen 599 Alice Bailey 445 Vernon Howard 455 Patanjali 660 Peter Ousepensky 335 Robert Schuller 405 Thich Naht Hahn 460 Nostradamus 220 Yogananda 540 Lao Tzu 520 Alan Watts 485 John Blofield 465 Poonjaji 520 Bernadette Roberts 445 Ram Das 420 Chungliang Al Huang 405 C.W. Leadbetter 485 John Bradshaw 460 M Scott Peck 475 Gangaji 475 Joseph Smith 520 Emmett Fox 470 Thomas Merton 520 Hazrat Khan 499 Sant Thahar Singh 315 C.S. Lewis 390 Sri Siva (Sri Guruji) 220 Joseph Campbell 410 Source: Dr. David Hawkins numerous books and seminars including Power Vs. Force and Dr. Hawkins June 28 2003 Sedona Seminar. Gloria in Excelsis Deo! Source: https://nancybragin.com/2012/12/29/dr-david-hawkins-calibrated-reading-list/ NAMASTE

Be careful to distinguish realisation for more beliefs. Believing that you are God, is very different to realising you are God. Belief can actually lead to overly nihilistic outlooks on life. Look at church for example. All their beliefs in having an awesome life, makes their life shit. The moment you truly realise you are God, you will experience bliss that you cannot currently fathom or comprehend. Consciousness is not the same as knowledge ...initially

@SM-OConnor As you mentioned when your consciousness shifted to God levels of consciousness you felt pure Divine Bliss or we can also say Love - infinity which is identical - is your true nature. Yet since you were still in human form consciousness can drift between states and in those states - where you are almost in between but still directly conscious of oneness - that's when it is tough. But once you come all the way back to a normal state of consciousness - a dualistic state - it should get better and return to normal. Backlash should subside after some time. This is because - just as you do when you dream at night - you are placed in a state of consciousness to where the dream is real. Where there is a distinction between self and other. So in a normal state what your ego may be doing is twisting it into dread so that you run as far away from spirituality as possible. But notice it's only "bad" relative to the ego's bias, because if everything is one it will lose its identity. The ego also has a tendency to make it something "good" too and grab Godhood for itself haha. Anyways the main point is that as God you have infinite imagination, which means you have the ability to fall back asleep whenever you want - and when you do - the dream becomes real as you are no longer going meta or stepping outside the dream. This shift between duality and non-dual awareness is a craft that will take you some time to mold. But also you must try not to have a bias towards aloneness or oneness or at least go meta and notice that for what it is and be at peace with that Btw I'm doing it right now myself otherwise i wouldn't be able to have this conversation. I am immersed totally within the dream like a fish in water... I do it seamlessly. It is only if i go meta - which I just did right now - and shift my consciousness, that i will be conscious you are imaginary.

Extreme sadness, loneliness, and existential dread. These seem to be the results of my psychedelic trips and introspection. I understand I am God, and this reality is my own manifestation. During the peak of my trips I even felt the extraordinary bliss and pleasure of it. Yet, I cannot help but be haunted by the very dark implications of being utterly alone... and accepting that everything and everyone I ever loved are just figments of my imagination. Some guidance on how to deal with this, would be very much appreciated. My sincere thanks.

@DocWatts Good observations, and all valid from the perspective of what humans think we need. Sadly, it is endogenous to our species that what we think we need rarely matches what we actually need. Of course there are basic survival needs, beyond which we couldn't exist. But most of what makes us miserable is the misunderstanding of who we are. When we let go of thought, and realize our true nature, it becomes clear that, as Consciousness, we are already infinitely abundant. The reason for our suffering is the egoic insistence on looking for happiness outside of ourselves, when all along the bliss is already here.

Thursday 25/03/2021 14:47 Some strange deja vu feelings. Depression flared up with a particular flavour that I recognise. Maybe it's the time I woke up, the healthy food I ate and I'm currently hungry, the warmer temperature outside. Why was I dragged into life with any of this I wonder? Why did any of this happen? Why were my senses of reality uprooted as far back as I can remember? Why was I ever brainwashed with Islam? Why did I ever get bliss from it? Why did I ever develop an existential depression? I just rewind this unfolding and all I see are dominos and inevitably, forced into a path and fate before I could comprehend what was even going on. None of it makes sense. And for no apparent reason, I just feel the strangest feelings I haven't felt in a long time. And when these particular feelings come back, it feels like some of my memory also returns to me. These feelings. These feelings are the old form of how my depression used to feel. In a sense it feels purer, but it feels more heavy and totalistic because of that. Now I remember why or what I ever used to be explicitly suicidal for, now that I at least temporarily have these dimensions of my emotion returned to me. In this particular moment, I feel like my old self and feeling. Which you would assume is good but what it does to me is just remind me how fragmented and discontinuous I am. All these images and memories, past versions of myself, it all feels like one crazy or one bad trip. My life feels like one crazy bad dream. Maybe because I desired it so I now, at least right now, feel these feelings I had lost or forgotten. But now I feel more anxiety and fear from it. This was the anxiety and fear I turned my back on, cauterised myself to and ran away from. This pain is intense but...I also feel happy on some level for feeling what I thought was lost. This anxiety and uncertainty is intense. My recovered dimensions of emotion may pass away now, but I hope not. Honestly speaking, I could die happy like this. I'm grateful that I have my old feelings and dimensions of emotion in this moment, even if it is in the form of anxiety, and this feels like a "me" I wouldn't mind dying as. I'll take it any day over my cauterised self. I feel back in time 2-3 years ago. Some point 1-2 years ago, I have a blackout in perception corresponding to my antidepressant shenanigans. I think I'm maybe starting to understand things a bit better. I ended up cauterising myself because I couldn't handle this intense anxiety. The cost of shoving down and repressing my anxiety was the loss of liveliness and sensitivity. A tragic shame really, but I understand it. In a tragic sense, I did a mini suicide to myself already. With this currently alert and aware brain, I can see why. All I'm at right now, in this particular moment, is a visit to my state back in time. Whether I stay here I don't know. The chains of the past are both important to understand but move on from. Having this experience now makes me the more weary to arrive or finish something, dont know what that something is. Weary to overcome these chains -- I feel the flavour of my original depression, like sent back in time. I feel like a time traveller almost, sent back in time to correct the mistakes I made. Maybe this was the reason I was subconsciously attracted to this song I would listen to over and over on repeat. It wasn't until just now that I don't think I realised what the English translation lyrics of the song even meant, even though I skimmed over it. But the idea just popped into my head randomly now. I read the lyrics translations but my brain never interpreted or put the right pieces together. https://bakemonogatari.fandom.com/wiki/Decent_Black I probably interpreted this correctly the first time I read it a while ago, but my brain just now reframed and regrouped what sentences I put together to fit what I feel. Now I'm reading it as "Let's find the answer, regrets and mistakes" rather than just finding the answer (and not finding the regret and mistake). -- This primal fear and anxiety I feel, my mistake was running away from it. Well, now I feel it. Boy is it hard to deal with though

It's like the most esoteric thing ever man. Hard to grasp. And also it's hard to recognise the benefits of it. I've had tiny visions and insights what it's like to get to the point Leo's at. Leo's more advanced than a lot of people realise. To live in complete and utter bliss. People don't realise what awakening really means. It's hard to get it like, which is why most of the time people who end up actually getting enlightened, usually start off with a shit mind or start with a life filled with unfulfillment, pain or suffering

@Preety_India sometimes I wonder why wouldn't it be better if I just died. There would be nothing left to solve. No pain. No frustration. No anger. No nothing. Then only bliss........ Freedom.. Sweet freedom.... Freedom from a tormented life.

I recommend learning to open the first 6 chakras with similar techniques to the once I've shared. For the first chakra you should get a sense of comfort and grounding also tap into the earth element/the solidity of your body and the world around you. Also infuse it with love. For the heart chakra you should get a sense of love, start with this chakra as it contributes to the opening of the rest. To open the throats chakra is a bit life doing talk therapy. Say for yourself aloud or silently the things that you hold back. I feel... I want... Rest your attention on your throat. Keep going until you've purified repressed emotions. When that is done notice how you naturally want to express appropriation and gratitude. So you might start expressing negative feelings you feel towards yourself, your life situation or someone. When you have expressed the negative stuff you will naturally want to express what you like about the person. For ajna chakra you should feel present and blissful. Read Tara Springett's Enlightenment through the Path of Kundalini for general instructions on opening chakras. Read her book Healing Kundalini Syndrome to learn how to deal with side effects of energy work. As we increase our systems prana/energy/chi our chakra dysfunctions can manifest in noticable ways like head pressure or lethargy. It's fixed by fixing the root dysfunction. Head pressure is based by self-deception and narcissism for example. This is not dangerous and it's nothing to be afraid of it just give you a kick in the ass to fix your chakra dysfunctions. Also read SantataGamana's real yoga series (5books) to learn how to do kriya yoga. If you have trubbel feeling energy in a chakra you can do SantataGamana's Kriya Supreme Fire, found in Kundalini Exposed, on the chakra to fill it with energy. Disclaimer: this technique can increase your prana and thus manifest chakra dysfunctions as described previously. Once you've become proficient opening your chakras put it all together into this pranayama: Pranayama Instructions This technique comes from Mukherjee from originalkriya.com but he is terrible at explaining the technique. It's the one SantataGamana modified to his own. It requires the ability to feel or have a sense of the first 6 chakras. Gently point your eyes towards the 3rd eye. Do kechari mudra if you can. (Advanced kriyabans have stretched out their tongue to be able to put it up the nasal cavity which stills the mind) If not, do baby kechari: touch the soft palate of the mouth roof with the tip of the tongue. Gently do ujjayi breathing. (Google it) On the in-breath, bring up the memory of the 1st chakra in kutastha (middle of the 6th chakra/middle of head). Mentally chant OM in the 6th chakra to open the remembered chakra. The chant should create a felt vibration in the head, just like you were chanting om out loud. Then you should get a sense of comfort in your head as the 1st chakra opens in your head. Repeat for the 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th chakra and lastly chant OM in the 6th chakra alone. This should all be done during the in breath, as a total of 6 OMs. During the out breath repeat but go down instead of up. If doing a total of 12 OMs during one breath requires effort you can do one chakra per breath with 2 long OMs, one per in and one per out breath. Go up and down the chakras like this. All chakras are reflected in the 6th chakra, that's why they can be opened in it. To feel a chakra in the 6th chakra you can start by feeling it in it's location, then replicate the same feeling in the middle of your head. After a while you will be able to bring up a chakra in kutastha just by remembering it, with no need to divert your attention from kutastha. When chanting OM, you should get a feeling of bliss in your head. You should feel comfort, pleasure, joy and love for the first 4 chakras respectively and a sense of purification for the 5th chakra. At the same time you should feel still and at peace. The point of opening the chakras in the 6th chakra is to open both chakras at once and to collect the prana in the 6th chakra to enter into a state of witnessing. It should make you very present. Once you can do the pranayama combine it with the rest of SantataGamana's kriya yoga but swap his pranayama for this one. This is the pranayama that he bases his own pranayama on and it's more powerful. Trust me. Also read Enio Nimmis book Krita Yoga: Synthesis of a Personal Experience for better instructions on how to do the mahamudra technique. Kriya yoga techniques complements each other to form a balanced and powerful energy work regimen. The point of doing energy work and kriya is to enter into a blissful state. Once you have done that you will just want to sit and bask in that bliss. This will then lead you to enlightenment. The read to God is paved with bliss.

I have combined both. I realized that I can try to vape the 5-MeO Oxelate that I have thought is only used for plugging, and when I tried to vape it, it gave the same effects. Since then, I've taken out the vape when I felt like I could use it. Up until now, I wouldn't say that I have had "full-blown Ego-death". More like all things getting reduced into one. More like, realizing that imagination is the basis of all of existence. I will post a trip report about that. Leo, you should say "Whenever you get the urge to do weed, do it, but add some 5-MeO to the mix! The brain fog from Cannabis actually gets neutralized by the clarity of 5-MeO. It's like 5-MeO is pure clarity, such that all the illusions melt away. But the effects of cannabis are kind of "foggy", where we tend to for example forget our thoughts. When you are really high on cannabis, then go try some 5-MeO. It clears everything up and gives the high a tinge of ecstasy. Also, it seems to me that the Cannabis makes the 5-MeO last longer (in combination) and the visuals get affected to become more beautiful. The cannabis visuals are kind of subtle, as when one is looking at a white wall, it gives the effects of as if we were looking at one point on that wall being sober - kind of "applying" certain patterns onto the canvas, but in a subtle way, as if it were a template without content, structure without content. Combining 5-MeO (vaping) with Cannabis sort of fills that visual structure with more content. At one point, I was seeing eyes! As if certain strategic points of my visual field became eye-like. The thing that is the anti-dote to fear when it comes to 5-MeO, is that 5-MeO approaches nonduality, which makes reality simple. And simplicity is the essence of bliss. How can one be afraid when there is like nothing to be afraid of? And at that point, bliss occurs. Or at that point, I should've taken another hit from the vape , to fully merge with the nothingness so to speak. The worst thing that can happen with fear is if the thoughts, emotions, and actions are under the control of fear. So, the worst thing that can happen is if we act on that fear, which reinforces the emotional state and the thoughts. Acting on fear is basically to panic, and to let the panic snowball. Fear is emotional and triggers certain thoughts. The key to fear is to be the observer of those thoughts and feelings, without ever acting out. This is what we call "surrendering", just observing, just observing. One can do this several times to get the hang of it. That's what I'm doing with the 5-MeO right now. In preparation for a big ceremonial breakthrough down the road...

I’m really tired today, however I find it very beneficial to write as the energy and state of mind I’m in now have a deep understanding to them. For the first time in a long time I just feel like a calm lake. Im seeing reality through a new lens. reality changes based on the energy your in. People can live on the same earth and have completely different experiences. sometimes your meant for things so your guided energetically to them. Sometimes. —— Its interesting to watch my energy change from a masculine type of male to a chill and calm type of person. Laid back. I’m not exactly sure what to do with myself right now. In the past I saw everything as perfect so no matter what I did I knew that it was an absolute perfect thing. many sadness, any love, any emotions and thought are absolute consciousness at play. It twirls, spins and laughs within and with itself. every action and everything is complete consciousness at play. then I started seeing reality from a pure masculine viewpoint. One where reality is very “real”, important and valuable. Calm, grounded, wise, and full of passion. I of course kept my past experiences and integrated them which was nice. now my energy is changing so much tonight. I feel like I’m being destroyed and then recreated energetically. ive changed my energy thousands of times to masculine, love, purity, calmness, and pretty much anything I wanted with just a mental command. It’s easy. ive learned so much from seeing reality from allll these perspectives and understood so much. ive noticed that I’m constantly growing and that I’m always guided in whatever is best for me. A constant growth. A constant love for life. It’s pure beauty and bliss. It’s pure love. Haha gosh, my energy really is changing. *rants some more* im noticing/seeing a decomposition of my ego at the moment. It’s dying and dying. It’s hard to explain the beauty of it all. The self ahahah. What a funny joke yet not at all and so much more yet all just words pointing to the same thing. infinite reality, infinity cannot be explained. Your brain goes “akdhksah” whenever it sees and when you get kicked back here it’s like “holy baby Jesus” LMAO. I wonder why I’m dying? I mean my sense of self keeps slipping then coming back but more pure and free. True freedom. True awareness. Truth, “understanding” on this plane of reality. the contextualization of all that is. so much is flowing through me that I can’t even type any of it. Too profound, too “much” lol. Nothing can ever be too much. *swoosh* off goes my mind. Off goes my self. Off goes my body. Off goes my heart. Pure positive truth and awareness of direct experience is what is left. Good day all. ?

Mindfulness Meditation- A Complete Guide with Techniques and Examples Mindfulness is the 1st or 2nd most important skill you can build. Credit to Shinzen Young who has created a very robust, complex and technical mindfulness system. This video will explain the basics of this system. As you get deeper and deeper into this practice, take a look at Shinzen Young and his mindfulness system. Mindfulness is a deep tradition that goes all the way back to the Buddha. Mindfulness is experiencing reality (literally) EXACTLY as it is. Reality comes to you through your senses, not through any other means. All you really got of reality is sensory channels through which you are receiving stuff (sight, sound, body sensations and feelings, emotions, thoughts, smell, taste). All you really have is what you're experiencing right now, in this very moment. Right now, whatever is happening to you, is what's real. And it's changing every single second. Rather than living on the raw information that your channels constantly feed you, you live on your fantasies (past, future, emotional reactions, plans and goals). Your life is mostly conceptual, not grounded in actual reality, the raw data that’s being fed to you. Mindfulness is putting you in touch with what's really, literally there. What's true right this very second. 3 Components of Mindfulness: Focus- the ability to direct your attention on certain phenomena for long periods of time Sensory Clarity- how clear you are perceiving the present moment Equanimity- the ability to stay grounded no matter what emotions or sensations you're experiencing Mindfulness attunes your senses times 100,000. Notice- pick a sensation and put your attention on it Label- silently say to yourself the channel of which you are perceiving this sensation through (seeing, hearing, or feeling) Savor- take in the RAW perceptions that are there for about 5-7 seconds Notice, label, savor Humans created these distinctions, so this is simply a SYSTEM to help our mind become more aware of what's actually happening in reality. This practice expands your awareness to the present moment, to what's literally right there in front of you. As you practice mindfulness more and more, you'll get better and better, causing extraordinary shifts in awareness and consciousness. Outer seeing (looking at lamp) Inner seeing (visualizing an apple) Outer hearing (the sound of a clap) Inner hearing (repeating in your mind 'I have to take out the laundry') Outer feeling (smell, taste, itch, sensation of butt on chair, sensation of feet on floor, beating of heartbeat) Inner feeling (emotion) Set a timer for 20 minutes. Every single day, sit down in a quiet place, calm your mind down, and run these cycles (notice, label, savor). Let your mind focus on whatever it wants to focus on. Then notice, label, and savor it. This cycle will take about 10 seconds. Your mind will wander off to some other phenomenon, which you do another cycle on. Repeat this for the entire duration of the practice. If your mind starts to wander away and get lost in stories, bring it right back on track and note, label, then savor. The most basic practice- you allow the range to be everything (sights, sounds, feelings, outside and inside). When you get more advanced, you can limit the range of what you let your mind focus on. You can limit to, for example, just sights, or just sounds, or just feelings, or just the inner, or just the outer, or both the inner sounds and the outer sounds, or just thoughts (inner sounds + inner images). Some more practical tips: As you practice this, multiple phenomena will come up simultaneously. For example, you may notice an itch in your foot while simultaneously saying 'itch' in your mind. For basic starter mindfulness practice, focus on any ONE that you want, usually whatever is drawing the most of your attention. So if the inner sound 'itch' is the most dominant, focus on that. If the phenomena disappears or stops, You could savor the gone-ness of it. If a phenomena changes, stay with it and notice what happens with it. Whatever it morphs into, stay with that. Life is a fluid dynamic thing that is always flowing, so don't take static snapshots of life here. If you're not clear what to label the sensation, go with your best guess, it doesn't really matter if you label it right or not. You'll get better at labeling more accurately as you practice. Labeling itself is an inner hearing sensation but don't label the labels Do this practice 20 minutes (you can gradually increase this up to 60 minutes per day), every single day without skipping any days ever. Be very consistent. Do this every single day for months or years. This'll take months and even years to see results. If you want to supercharge your mindfulness, take retreats. Vipassana retreats are great for this, and usually free. Retreats are usually 5-10 days of complete silence, 12 hours a day of practicing mindfulness. This basic technique is very powerful and can take you very far. The fancy elements aren't necessary, but you can go learn them if you want. There is no best meditation technique. Experiment with them. If you really want to self-actualize, test out each of these techniques for a month or three. There is no best technique. You may have favorites but even the not-favorites are very useful and powerful. This mindfulness meditation is so stupidly simple. You know how it works, not develop this habit. This is probably the most important skill you can develop as a human being. This is how you interface with reality. You need to start seeing reality as it really is. As it is actually happening right fucking now. This isn't an optional thing if you want to have a powerful life. Benefits: Enormous levels of awareness, focus, and consciousness (10,000 times more awareness than the average person has) In your work projects and creative endeavors you'll be able to focus for an hour straight no problem You'll be able to be fully present and to fully listen to what the people around you are saying Emotional mastery- all the nasty emotions you suffer from will melt away because you see it as it really as at high levels of mindfulness You can dissolve all physical pain and discomfort with sufficient degrees of mindfulness The more mindful you are, the more fulfilment you can get from everything you enjoy about life (food, sex, business, social interactions, parties, the list goes on and on) You can experience feelings of rapture, joy, and bliss just by being sufficiently mindful Behavior change- your bad behaviors will change effortlessly and automatically You can experience enlightenment and discover the real existential nature of who and what you and what life and reality is through mindfulness. You can focus the mindfulness lens on the 'I' you identify with and it will dissolve. My questions on this video: Does it matter how still we are? Do we have to remain completely still or does it matter? What are the differences and pros and cons between this and Daniel Ingram's noting practice? Eyes open or closed?

This one was amazing. On worldly pleasures, transcendence of suffering and attaining bliss while still in the body.

@Spiral Wizard The reason we like positive emotion is because it dissolves the dualistic mind. When we have an orgasm our ego melts into the pleasure, when we see something beautiful our wittness melts into the wittnessed. Enlightenment = perfect non-duality = perfect happiness. Before I had my first enlightenment experience I had let go of almost everything and I was very blissful. Then I realized that what I authentically really want is being, pure being. So I let go of even the bliss and the attachment to positive emotion. Then I had the enlightenment experience. It was utter perfect happiness. Also you will reincarnate as all other creatures in the universe so better care about their wellbeing too. But then living selflessly is the pinicale of happiness so your wellbeing and the wellbeing of others synergize. Insofar as truth is non-duality it is what you want. However @Leo Gura prioritizing truth over happiness is oxymoronic.

@Fkdel @Fkdel Has the meditation worked for you? I want to refine the technique would love input. I should also mention that if you want to go deeper into the manipura chakra and this kind of energy I recommend the book The Bliss of Inner Fire.

Im sure that my Presence and Love allowed the space for my gf to exp. the things that I will shortly share It was amazing! I got her to start smoking weed and that helped her to open up and see new perspectives. She said that at the room where I meditate she gets into a tottaly different state. And last night we started talking when she started to unconsciously speen around in circles. This happens to me when I meditate. After that she fell down on the bed and started laughing touching her nippls haha, then she bursted in tears becaouse I forgot to bring oranges hahaha She relived a childhood trauma(she said that she felt like a 5 year old child). And after some huging and talking we started to make love. Here are few insights I exp. I usually have premature ejaculation problems, but that is also becaouse she has strong devine energy in her, she suckes me dry, I cannot handle it! But this time there was no thoughts like "focus on the breath etc." There was no eddie entering hes gf. We were one. It was one dance that took place. I was the orgasm itself. And it lasted, and lasted, and lasted... OMG I backed up my intuition becaouse I always knew that she has very strong spiritual side (she is infj like me) I realized what it means everyrhing is me on a deeper level It was amazing dance that played out by itself Evrything that people need is acceptance and love. Now when I can let go of my egoic needs, I can really listen. And the allowance and patience that I had with her, with no judgement... paid millions times more then me trying to control the situation My girlfriends insights. she had continuous orgasms that increased she said that we were energies flowing in space, like two different shiny color particles mirging together in black space (let me note that she is at stage blue/orange and little bit of green without any previous knowledge or insights of spirituality) she said that it was a bliss she never experienced before etc. She said that the music in the backround was lound and that she was in flow with the music (I didn't hear it at all) today, she says that she is still high in love She is very brave! Im so glad she is opening up for spirituality now. Im so glad that we can grow together(we were groing together, im pretty sure she was the one resposible for my enlightenment)! Im so glad that now she understands what Im talking about when I say "Baby, Im diferent dimention right now and I can't go to the market" without her rolling her eyes ahahhahahah I cannot explain what is possible for you guys! It is a Miracle! You are Beautiful, You are Perfect, You are Love! You are one big Orgasm! And hey, all this, right here! Righ Now! Do you know what that is? It is God playing with it Self! It is God jurking off! hahahahah ?❤

About a month ago while meditating I came to a space of peace, comfort, and bliss. The image of Mother Mary came to me. I realized the light/love shining from her was the love I was feeling at that moment, that it was the same love she had for Jesus and that my mother had for me. I saw that Love is timeless, Love is always Love. I like to remain open-minded on the miracles but I'm sure some of these stories have been exaggerated, such as the time Jesus stepped through a puddle and someone shouted 'OMG he walked on water! '

My take on this topic is that eventually states stop mattering. I've traveled to some wicked and ecstatic realms on psychedelics, realms that to this day leave me speechless as there is literally 0 context for communication through symbolic language. I've had some of the most indescribably beautiful states of consciousness possible through jhanas. I've felt elated, ecstatic, unified and whole through sexual union. I've felt miserable, cut off, trapped and confused because of my particular life circumstances, wondering why I have to struggle so much while others float by unaware of their privilege. Yet what is that which has watched, witnessed, been conscious of these ginormous ebbs and flows of states? What is even the thing that wants states at all? There's a grand paradox at play here. The paradox that unless we are in a very specific type of state, truth will never reveal itself. The millions who march through the maze of capitalism, constantly chasing happiness through distractions of every kind prove to us that states matter. If we are caught in such a trance state, a state attached to the stories of separation, externalized happiness, addictions to the pursuit of pleasure and avoidance of pain, truth will not show up. Yet as we move through the various realms of consciousness, we start to encounter increasingly profound states. We start to see that these increasingly powerful, beautiful states dwarf these egoic driven pursuits. How could a night out drinking with friends compare to the full-blown union with source? Well... It doesn't. Until it does. In my own experience, the deeper down the rabbit hole I go, the deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper the natural, sober, boring state becomes. I no longer feel an insistent pull at the next big psychedelic breakthrough. I no longer feel a need for constant bliss during meditation through jhanas. Simply breathing, simply being in this neutral existence is revealed to be ineffably beautiful. We could call it a state, yet this "state" is the same state I've had throughout my life. There's not particularly more joy, happiness, or any kind of elevation of emotion. Yet the elevation of emotion is much more available! No doubt. As we expand and raise our consciousness, we can see that happiness, joy, and peace are literally on demand and available to tap into in any moment. But a more accurate way to describe what's changed is that states have been entirely re-contextualized, not pushed towards the positive. And this is the heart of spirituality, the re-contextualization of all states, the intuitive and absolute recognition that all of the striving for higher states, connecting with god, happiness, and bliss are just more ego. Ironically, as we let go of our spiritual ego's, the attachment to these expanded states gives room for this deep re-contextualization of all states of breathe. Such that no longer do we need happiness to experience happiness, or joy to experience joy; through this insight into the nature of all states, there is an underlying, palpable perfection that solves our paradox - the paradox that although truth and happiness may very well only appear through specific states, Absolute Truth and Absolute Happiness transcend all states. Let go of this need for more states, more elevation, more positive emotions and we plant the seeds for a deeper level of emotion, a deeper awareness of truth that is impossible to describe through language. And even more amazing, these more elevated emotions like happiness and joy are MUCH more available. Nothing will snuff away joy like the egoic drive to demand more joy or putting joy on a pedestal. The irony too is that as we do this, our boring, sober state of consciousness begins to radical transform precisely through not transforming at all. And on a slightly un-related yet entirely related note - Love is the only emotional orientation that would be completely at peace and accepting of all that is. If we are love, then loving all regardless of what it is is the direction we "ought" to move. From the Absolute pov, all states would be loved equally by God.

Hey guys. I'm Indie Im 19... I have no gender but that wasn't an option btw Leo... and I've been watching these videos for a while. Spiritual gifts run through my family. I had my first taste of Nirvana (nothingness, unity, peace, lack of distinction) at 15 but it was completely random and out of context and I didn't understand it at the time. I thought I had dissociative disorder my whole life, then I understood it as a non-dual state and feel blissful there. I had a few enlightenment experiences after hard work with contemplation, meditation, astral projection, and tripping, but contemplation being the biggest factor. To clarify what I mean by enlightenment is the understanding of the infinite nature of the universe, especially complete acceptance/ love and experiencing and perceiving life as very trippy even when Im sober, detachment from self, desirelessness, and nothingness all stemming from an indescribable awakening/ that left me sobbing tears of joy for hours because EVERYTHING MADE SENSE and it's so beautiful. Now I am in college and the material world seems so silly to me, even though I understand it's importance in human perspectival development, I am trying to figure out how to be true to self and Self while figuring out how I want to fit in this world with this new understanding without dropping out and disappointing my parents. I want to become some sort of neo-sage who helps people awaken but in a more modern way to appeal to my generation. I've already started leading yoga and helping people astral project and asking dogmatic young Buddists existential questions but I can't help but look at the world and wish I could do more because of how unconscious culture is and how much suffering it causes. Basically, I'm confused because of how transcendent of logic enlightenment/awakening is and my mind constantly trying to make sense of it and I'm also confused about what to do with my life with this new understanding because I bounce back from bliss zen detachment with no motivations or desires, and a completely zoomed out experience, to the egotistical material world that seems rather trash in this society. I need to understand how to aline ego self, God self/realization, and my life in a way that feels authentic. I feel like a lot of Leos videos show you how to get enlightened but not what to do with it our how to cope with it, because while beautiful, it's rather visceral and confusing to the psyche and ego. I know Love is the answer ultimately but I wanted to hear out some practical solutions or ideas. Also I'm trying to talk to other enlightened/awakened people because I have a hard time expressing/discussing all these meta perspectives in my current friend group I always feel like I can't explain it, its over heads, or woo woo. I also need to learn how to talk to different places on the spiral and reach people where they are.

Monday 15/03/2021, 23:00 What can I do, write, say, think, examine, explore to make a difference? I don't know the thing to be changed nor the difference to be made, if the knowledge matters anyway. Discipline, forcing, deprivation, "masculine vs feminine" I have addiction. If I stop masturbating, then the urge comes up, and I feel like I'm depriving myself. Don't eat the unhealthy food I want, urge comes up, and I feel like I'm being deprived. Becoming like an upset and angry child who feels deprived. What's the way to go? "Gentle vs forcing". How does one discipline when there's strong feelings of upset in doing so? Something feeling very significant just came to mind... In me has been the drive achieve something, get some goal, perfect some thing, ambition to reach something high. If I'm honest, I probably got the drive/incentive when I was younger out of a desire to please or make my dad proud. Until just now I don't think I ever acknowledged it or thought of it that way. This insight has probably come to mind before but I forgot about it. Forgetfulness, distraction, amazing defence mechanisms. "I feel a certain type of scare and fear in examining this", ofc those are labels about what I'm feeling but....it's the truth here. Maybe this is the last thing I'd want to let go of..."how could I?". I always want more. Before that thing came to mind, I thought this was gonna be a long verbal inquiry, but perhaps that shortened my search time to the essence? Rarely is it that a thought strikes such an internal/buried chord, I can feel this is definitely something important. But if I have no desire or ambition or goals, then what am I or why am I here? Perhaps what being looked at is not all forms of motivation in of in themselves, just removing this particular thorn and now this thorn is replicating and hosting in thoughts. I fear oblivion. Ugh I'm still lost, but im not sure if Im just saying that so I can move on and distract myself from this....Also, I hate my dad. But its moreso funny -- Ugh, but where does that leave me or what I'm supposed to do. Is this the reason I no longer mediate or listen to people like Alan Watts in a long time? Out of an ego backlash of not wanting to surrender? Even now I'm not sure of if I shall or what surrender means, and in saying that I'm trying to replicate the method of other people who use that word and language. Lack of flow and concentration is/of ___ . Slow it down. Where does thinkingness, motion come from? So I might be more in the present moment now for some time but present is forcing to stay in the present "Stay in the moment" "Don't lose the focus" "Don't lose the flow" and the flow get confused with the repetition of return. THE BIG PROBLEM IS THAT THE MOMENT YOU SEEK TO DESCRIBE AND TALK ABOUT IT ITS ALREADY GONE. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA`A`A`A`A`AQA`AA`AAAAA`ZAZ`A`AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASZ`AZASAZHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. OBHBOHBIYOBOUVYIBVIP. THOUGHTS ABOUT THE SINGULARITY OF MAYA ARE STILL MAYA. I feel a familiar feeling which has been lost for a while now. Image is coming to mind of 16 year old me in the shower in the black-tiled bathroom, listening to Sam Harris "Waking Up" audio. Why was I so happy then and had dimensions of emotions not normally here? Why do I feel an alien to my own past? What happened? Who am I? What am I? I want it back.... The catalogue of impressions and fractured DPDR self-history and continuity/familiarity with past, thats the description of whats going on. When did I start feeling this way. Did this blackhole happen before or after that time in 2nd year when I abruptly stopped taking anti-depressants? What were the emotions I can feel back in 1st year uni despite being suicidal then? Ahhh its driving my crazy, my disconnection and alienation from that. What happened and what am I. Not having that dimension/feeling structure is the same as losing memory of it. All of a sudden just now I can remember faint whiffs of it, and I miss it. Why is that? Do I lack it? Is it to be reconnected with? KLOI[JP[NPIBO[U09JONBPJOPNPNIPHUBHIPUBIPHUBHIPBHPIUBP jnkjnjknkjnj When did I lose that dimension/structure, where, why and how? Remember when you were 13, Mujtaba, and you prayed to Allah, 100% believing in his infinite mercy and infinite goodness. Remember that bliss and feeling like a walking Jesus Christ? Where and what am I now? Did that happen at all? Why is gone. Remember when you stared at your homework diary calendar during spring time in year 9 2014, and decided that you'd put off thinking of religion for a while? Staring at the open blank pages for April was I? Remember when you were in Pakistan in December 2013, the religiosity and peace of mind you had? Remember what then happened in 2016? You went to Saudi Arabia in Mecca and Medina, reflected on Islam for one last real time, and realised very consciously you believed none of it. Then you went to Pakistan, and entered a black hole of psychological and spiritual depression. You discovered TJ Kirk, sleep on that Charpai next to the bathroom, Khurram Bai got shocked when you used up 2GB of internet so quickly. In Dec 2013 in pakistan, it was then you would listen to Nouman Ali Khan videos on YouTube when lying down in that room. %$£%^ your sister would sleep in that room sometimes as well? Was it 2013 or 2016 in Pakistan when you stared at the ceiling in your parents room, lying in bed, realising the existential dread of heaven and hell being forever? Heaven forever seemed scary for it was forever. This was definitely 2013 im pretty sure. Has my IQ and intelligence decreased compared to when I was 13 and 16? My life is one crazy fucking trip and idk wtf is going on. My sanity teeters on the edge of psychosis, but psychosis never happened. When did you transition from atheist to non-duality and zen dude? If my history and past is correct, I only actually got formally depressed at the end of 2017, and it as at this time I joined the actualised forum? "Blackhole" (in this context), when the experience of suffering and hell is so great that you dissociate to such unbelievably large degrees that the line between mental and physical is unknown, real and unreal breaks, where your mental noise and state completely overwrites the external world and you BLACKOUT from your experience. Suffering and pain so large that my memory blacked out, and I'm confused, dazed, fragmented. Multiple blackouts, and multiple blackholes. What the fuck am I to do? Idk what I am, up and down are flimsy. Who or what can guide me? Is such a thing even rational to say? Remember 1st year summer, sitting by the water fountain, and discussing C.G. Jung with my brother, which then turned into a general discussion about spirituality? Is my entire life this blackhole now? Jesus fucking christ. Why was a 12 year old researching and questioning islam? How did everything string into this? What were the surreal and mystical spiritual experiences I had as a 13 year old islamic fundamentalist? Atheist? An avid meditator? What is it all? And when did I enter this more permanent depression, lack of vitality and despondency? Remember when you were 7, going to Madrassah or Thursday night when Shia family friends gathered? Remember the questions you'd ask about Islam? Asking your dad and Uncle Masoor different things. What laylat-ut-qadr nights was it that I randomly decided the fear of god reached me that night and I prayed, but changed my mind the next day? It was the same night Uncle Mansoor and everyone gathered at our home. Were there previous laylat-ut-qadr I was praying? What was the sincerity and intention at those times? Is Dua Kumayl just bullshit? My consciousness now vs my consciousness then, it literally feels like two different realities. Two different worlds, different universes. My past consciousness is just a dream and thought at this point, but I just feel so discordant. Ugh, it seems like I was already born to be on the edge of insanity, thrown into all of this right from the start, none of it makes sense. Images, symbols and the unconscious just keep flooding the mind. At least I feel more awake now, a small slap, I now realise the magnitude of my real and core problems. I now realise that my problems are so bizarre and spiritual that a traditional rational doctor would be useless. A normie wouldn't understand the out of worldly bliss of connecting to god as a religious fundamentalist when you're 13 and feeling like a walking Jesus Christ, and im sure that even back then I felt weird disconnections as what was all supposed to be myth is causing these intense emotions and experiences, its all just so dreamlike, bizarre, ungrounded, unreal. It will all just sound completely crazy, right from the start My sense of disconnection, all the blackouts, whenever I get a whiff of my past, I get a mixture of outrage, excitement and dread! When those rare whiffs do happen, I journal or write and just go on a spree writing all those things down. Almost like I'm trying to slap myself awake with all these things from the past! Slap myself awake that this disconnection exists! How shocking and bizarre!

Did you have permanent shifts that lasted after the trip? Like feeling more, love bliss etc?

I've always viewed metal as a genre that personally raises my consciousness. Often the heavy, high energy instrumentals are a catalyst for emotionally charged and provocative lyrics that I find super inspiring. Here are some of my faves, I would love to hear any recommendations that y'all have! Silvera - Gojira Time to open your eyes to this genocide When you clear your mind you see it all You're receiving the gold of a better life When you change yourself, you change the world Mastodon - Tread lightly Open your eyes Take a deep breath and return to life Wake up and fight Fight for the love and the burning light Oroborus - Silvera On the peaks of radiant mountains This truth is growing before me My attention fixed on the silence Rediscover life while I'm breathing A National Acrobat - Black Sabbath Just remember love is life And hate is living death Treat your life for what its worth And live for every breath Looking back I've lived and learned But now I'm wondering Here I wait and only guess What this next life will bring Quantum Flux - Northlane Can't you see the joy of life is right before your eyes? Infinite bliss, infinite love Take a chance, close your eyes and just dream It sets me free Why can't you see the joy of life is right before your eyes? Infinite bliss, infinite love Take a chance, close your eyes and just dream We walk around blinded like children in the dark So cold and so empty, how did this even start It's time to remember what it's like to feel alive Reflection - Tool So crucify the ego, before it's far too late To leave behind this place so negative and blind and cynical And you will come to find that we are all one mind Capable of all that's imagined and all conceivable Just let the light touch you And let the words spill through And let them pass right through Bringing out our hope and reason Majesety - Ghost Old One, Master All beauty lies within you Come What May - Iced Earth Can't you see what's plain as day It's always been there inside of you One saving grace that's hard to face Embracing the truth will change your fate It's up to you and the path you choose To be led to the slaughter or lead the way The quest for light, a worthwhile fight Will you have what it takes? Come what may If you'd just look Look inside yourselves You'll find the answers to your pain The hardest road The hardest road to enlightenment Presents a constant test Of your resolve Time for you Time for you is running out The human race must evolve Must evolve Apocryphon - The Sword Darkness and light entwine Everything is all the time All around you points align Everything is all the time You want to live for eternity To see behind the veil Everything comes around again The serpent eats its tail Empty Temples- The Sword We must give up the old ways Though they've served us well The rituals havelost meaning What were temples are shells But there is a new path That always has been As we set foot upon it Let us fear not the end Let go of all that binds you Your kind will always find you An endless series of meaningless tasks Each one distracting us all from the last Look all around at the things you've been given What do you see? Beauty and splendor, destruction and ruin All in your memory The Motherload - Mastodon If you want you can will it You can have it I can put it right there in your hands Roots Remain - Mastodon The end is not the end you see It's just the recognition of a memory Explosia - Gojira Jealousy will crush you to the bones Unless you open up and let it go I've only seen too much of it I'm bursting open while you set the tone You ignored this fury too long, I explode Bring back to life this anger, let it grow Put aside mind traps and false beliefs These heavyweights created pull you down

@Flim I actually don't want anyone to believe me on faith. But you can entertain the thought just for fun. Death is actually incredible for consciousness. Not last experience while in the body and whatever physical pain that entailed. The liberation from form and reunion with Source. Our language is woefully ill equiped to provide a description. Its peace, bliss, beauty, extreme lightness, complete absence of any concept of the slightest concern,. there is no such thing as concern because nothing can go wrong. divine perfection

@neovox "What isn't so common is the peaceful bliss that is experienced upon release of form. The pain the physical body endures leading up to the moment of death is not pleasant obviously,. but the release of consciousness is a divine transfer. Consciousness time physical bodies is the more difficult. unlimited consciousness taking up residence in the experience of a limited physical form." But how do you know this?