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Found 4,289 results

  1. 85 min meditation at work today. I was on suicide watch, looking after a suicidal patient who was sleeping, so I got 85 sweet minutes of meditation in an otherwise very hectic shift. Got immediately very deep into concentration, and it was a very beautiful and stable state for the whole sit. Yesterday I missed out on my meditation, and today I almost did hadn’t it been for this opportunity at my job. It is typical that when my meditation starts to get very good that I no longer see / feel the point of doing it because my mind is in daily life very stable and equanimous at that point, but I just got to continue because now my meditation is only getting deeper and perhaps I will be able to master these concentration states at some point if I continue like this.
  2. Your action could have a small statistical impact on this. If you hit like. She could be looking you up, seeing how you had your profile on private and then just copied it. Like people who see suicide in TV will copy it and kill themselves as well. (see https://www.jaacap.org/article/S0890-8567(19)30288-6/fulltext) If you want her to make her profile public again Id suggest you make yours public. Could work!
  3. "Now, this is the real question: Is the game worth the candle? If you think “No,” then you’d better commit suicide. That’s the logical thing to do. If—on the other hand—you’re not sure, then you’d better make up your mind. Because if you’re going to go on with the game of life and not be sure as to whether it’s really worth going on, you’ll make a mess of it. That’s quite certain. It’s like doing something evil, like telling a lie. If you’re going to tell a lie at all, you have to make it stick, and so, make it good. Don’t wobble when you lie, because someone will find you out and it’ll all fall apart, and it’ll be worse than if you never did it. So if you make up your mind that you’re going to do something evil, you have to have—like a golf swing—follow-through. And so, in the same way, with going on living at all: if you’re going to gamble, gamble!." - Alan Watts
  4. Yes,...reasoned argument with First-tier thinkers is usually difficult,...however, discussion with First-tier thinkers who believe they are Second-tier is futile. About V Panetta: Not interested in personal truths, Me Stories, nor empirical beliefs,... "Man's present civilization is erected upon the foundation of empirical knowledge obtained through his senses. In other words, the so-called "knowledge" upon which man relies is founded upon the evidence of his senses, or more simply, upon the nonexistent waves of motion of a nonexistent substance." Walter Russell. LfcCharlie4,...I can understand that you're fixated on particular paradigms, and have difficulty with "endless people quote,"...a comment that's a sure tell of your level of Conscious Awareness,...however, maintaining FMS (false memory syndrome) regarding what I write, such as that "you referred to books as your main source of info," is imaginary on your part. Actually, my posts have said that I seldom read books,...and don't recall reading one this century,...although I've written three. Usually notice quotes following direct experience,...I actually don't think much. What's going on here seems to be what is called projection,...you have yet to experience Unfeigned Surrender, and instead are suggesting I haven't because of my use of quotes,...which makes it obvious that you have yet to Let Go. I'll tell you about my first Letting Go,...the beginning part (not what occurred for the 9-10 hours afterwards),...it was December 1974,...without any hope or expectation, over the period of a week, I gave away or threw away all my possessions, which included $thousands worth of camera and stereo equipment,...wrote thank you notes,...and an end of life (or suicide) note,...and without Gods, things divine, or imaginary guardians for protection,....Let Go. No jumping into fire, nor an abyss,...no visuals are included in real Letting Go. más allá del Finisterre,...(Beyond the End of the Known World). It's a shame that you appear to have not read even one of my posts,...but instead entered them with a predisposition about responding through your book knowledge which you cling to for your identity, but hide by way of imagined stories of what letting go is. Experience born of belief can only be experience through the conditions of that belief,...thus not a Direct Experience. All belief must be Let Go to have a direct experience, even the desire for a direct experience. Any expectation tethers you to the past.
  5. @DrewNows Thanks for asking! Alright so I was this Stage Orange type grad student who was all about climbing the university hierarchy, doing hard-nosed research and working all the time. I achieved everything that I wanted to achieve. Once that happened, I started to feel very lonely and I discovered a lot of unmet emotional needs. It's just then that I started stumbling upon the New Age, people like Infinite Waters, Teal Swan (I think she's very very evolved though), etc. I really started to tap into my emotions. What I discovered was that I was depressed and on the brink of suicide! Had I not tapped into my emotions, I'd have been in real danger of self-harm. So my emotional healing took a front seat to my career and related decisions. From the outside it looks like a healing crisis, i.e. I'm not doing anything atm and I had to move back with my mom. Right now I'm living with her and I'm doing my best to find my life purpose. Leo's course is helping me though! I discovered a lot of unconscious patterns, a whole new realm of emotional consciousness and it's been an epic roller-coaster ride!
  6. I used to be severely depressed for a while in my life, though it was a situational depression and has now come to pass. I write this from my personal experience, of what went on in my head and how I came to fix it. It is no easy means and the whole process of being depressed to being completely free from it, was around 9 years. So please be patient. For me, I felt really trapped in life. What I mean by this is my thoughts and emotions were in constant contradiction. Good feelings would contradict each other and result in guilt or any other negative feelings. The reason for this was - my constant need to be everything to everyone without hurting anyone including myself. But if that wasn't possible, at least, I shouldn't hurt others, even at the cost of me being hurt. Then by contradicting this thought, I would immediately fall into resentments towards others and myself for causing this hurt to myself. And then I would do something nice for others to make myself feel better for a while and then repeat the whole process endlessly. Why did I do this? - Codependency and low self esteem. I viewed myself through other people's eyes, and I assumed what they saw of me wasn't that good. And I wanted to change it so badly. So instead of trying and sorting these contradictions, I used to get swayed by them and think there was something wrong with me because of this. That often lead me to spend days planning ways to commit suicide. But deep down, I just wanted these contradictions to end, not my life. Luckily for me, the situation that was the primary cause of this, changed and I got slightly better. The final straw was actually accidental. I came to realize that all my thoughts, are borrowed thoughts from my parents, teachers, friends, etc. It was just a trivial revelation I had suddenly when I noticed the voice in my head was speaking to me in the exact same tone and wording that my mom talked to me. So there it was as real as the sun in the sky- that I had no original thoughts of my own. They are all borrowed, including all the contradictions I used to have. Once I realized this, I thought, since all the thoughts are borrowed, I must borrow better thoughts from better sources. So I started reading books that uplifted me. And every morning before I talked to another human, I would read a few pages from a book. Over a period of time, I noticed that my mother's voice in my head was gradually replaced by the voices in the book. So that is one thing. Another is I read in one of the books, about this exercise called 'Morning Pages' by Julia Cameron. The exercise is to just wake up and start writing 3 pages of whatever comes to your mind. As it is. No judgement. No good or bad. And not show it to anyone. So if I'm suicidal and thinking of killing myself, I write down - "I feel suicidal and am thinking of killing myself". If I think Keanu Reeves should marry me, I write down 'I think Keanu Reeves should marry me." If I think about how bad my headache is, I write that down. There are no rules to it, you just copy down thoughts that occur in your head out onto the paper. And then without reading or ruminating on it, throw away the paper or burn it. This is useful because it brings our thoughts to our awareness when we write them down and also empties them from our mind. It took me about 2 months of doing this everyday until I started noticing the difference in how I feel. I still do this everyday, it has been over 2.5 years. I'm not sure how you could make your girlfriend do any of this, probably you could suggest it, not as an exercise to ward of depression, but just something you both do together. Pick out a couple of books - personal development ones, and read together and do the morning pages together. Just let her know you won't judge her for whatever she reads or writes. Hope this helps.
  7. I haven't experienced any horrible side effects from psychedelic use either... but I have had several friends that committed suicide after years of use/abuse. I don't know of anyone who, after years of meditation or Kundalini Awakening. I'm sure a lot of it could be chalked up to family history of mental illness.. Only the mind creates good/bad should/shouldn't's Nothing really matters...the separation never occurred... it is what it is. Enlightenment is realizing THIS is all there is was or ever will be. It's the beginning, the end and everything in-between it's the Absolute ❤ It's as real and dreamlike as anything could be ...it's simply THIS!! Unknowing ?
  8. It's true in a lot of cases with the popular masters but when you look at someone like Paul Hedderman he was not spiritually gifted, he did every drug under the sun and came to a realisation during the depths of despair. Similar with Eckart he was just about to commit suicide from depression and came to a realisation, so in these instances extreme mental anguish made them see clearly but previously no spiritual gifts necessarily. So I don't think it's a fact that seem people just get it from birth and everyone else has to crawl with meditation or take psychedelics, I think if you can really see the futility of your efforts to become enlightened and essentially realise what you are you will get there, it's just maybe pain needs to be the fuel to get you there.
  9. Hey forum, I have something going on in my life that I literally have no idea how to handle. Basically my girlfriend that I love dearly is severely depressed and is even suicidal. She has faced waves of depression on and off her whole life, has been on Zoloft when she was in 8th grade, and then attempted killing herself when she came off them but her attempt didn't work, so she has a long history with her depression. This past week she has been telling me that this is the worst it's been in years, that she wrote suicide letters to her family, and stopped and broke down when she came to write my letter. She also is constantly sleeping, and barely eating. When she tells me these things I get emotional and just tell her I'm there for her, and that its all going to be okay. I have a pressure on me because I know I am really the only one there for her, but I don't know what else to do - I feel hopeless and trapped. My question is what would you do in this situation? She has said she doesn't want help from a professional, and to not tell anybody so they don't worry, but should they? Is this a cry for help or is it a bad idea to do something she clearly has told me to not do? Any advice is appreciated, thanks!
  10. How is this possible to be on the edge of suicide and even imagining oneself jumping off the highest building with all the sensations and smile on the face... ...just to find out a moment later how fascinating all this life game is. Little signs create some sort of feeling and curiosity about what all this is and where it leads. There is a few numbers that come and go all the time since I realized they show up from time to time. But couple of numbers that are repeating consistently since half a year are 33 and 67.Everywhere. Why? Don't know. I just turned 33 by the way. 67 been with me all the time though. Once I realized that reality is connected with my mind I even tried to do "reality checks". Once I was driving home and I thought, ok, let's see if I think about some number and it will be on the next car licence plate. So I thought 67. There were 2 cars coming from opposite direction. First has got 66 and the next one 68. I have found instagram of the girl I have mentioned above.
  11. I'm trying to think what I can do next. The phonecall was from her. It got me nervous and frightened. It's difficult to deal with the building stress. I need to think organically and otherwise. Part of me wants to live in a dream world. Part of me understands reality. One thing that my boyfriend told me is this "We can't change people" "even our family" I felt like I could take things less seriously. Is my casual trust a problem. I have begun to realize that I need to see people as objects and not people anymore. There's no point in getting hurt and offended or depressed. It's like pack up and move on We not only need spirituality to deal with the bullshit of life but we also need psychological tools and resources. My boyfriend Andrew is helping me so much. Although he is sometimes silly, he says certain things that make profound sense to me. He understands what's going on with me. I like that. I have supported him during times when he was upset. We have both been for each other. I have cried on his shoulder sometimes. Why do I feel so uncertain. What's haunting me? I need to do a lot of shadow work to figure out what's eating me inside. After an argument with her, I felt upset and suicidal. I called Andrew and he said everything will be alright. I still wasn't feeling settled. But certain things he said are making sense. That I shouldn't care. I should focus on building my life instead of getting emotional. I feel so bad that I can't even feel emotional in this world anymore. There's no source of love. I know Andrew cares. He cares a lot. But it's not enough. Because after all he is an outsider. He is not family. There is a difference in the way he cares and in the way a close family member cares With him, it's always what if we break up. What if what if. But family is always by your side no matter what. It's not like I don't trust Andrew. But I have known that relationships can be fickle from my past experiences I don't want to invest too much trust. Life is so hard. Everything is like borrowed time. If you fuck up, you fuck up forever. There is no room for error. Everything is held against you. I'm sick and tired of a judgemental world that lacks in care and affection. If you call in sick for a day, they tell you that you will be fired. Sometimes we wonder why are we so hard on each other. Why can't there be more empathy and understanding. Why can't we have God. Through whatever I'm experiencing in life, I'm turning more and more towards MGTOW, the general MGTOW more like man(human) going their own way not giving fucks about the world anymore. Just like men say that they don't trust women and that women don't care about them, I feel like saying the same about entire humanity. It's like nobody gives a fuck about others anymore. I have helped many people financially in my life. I always valued their wellbeing over everything else. But when it was my turn to seek help, they all turned their backs on me. It's brutal. How can people be so cruel. These are the same people I helped once without any care or concern without judgement or guilt. How can they not do the same. It's terrible. I don't want to love anyone. Because it feels like there is a dark underbelly to everything and a narrow safety margin And it feels like if you cross this margin, you could easily lapse into that dark side of things where things can quickly take a downturn and you end up suiciding I have toyed with the idea of suicide not once but maybe 15 different times by now. as time goes by I always open up more and more. It's difficult in the beginning to exactly identify what my emotion is. On the outside I'm just pretending to laugh because there is no option but to smile at people, but on the inside I have so many burning questions for which there are no answers. I'm baffled by how narrow people are around me. How can they not feel empathy for others the way I feel. I remember talking to my ex and he was brutal and judgmental. He would make me feel worse. It was so cruel. This is the same guy I helped on numerous occasions. But his responses to me would always be cold and heartless. Then he would turn around and say some joke like he is mocking me.. People close to me have hurt me so much in the past few months. It really got to a point where I felt like suicide was the only option because I didn't want to feel abandoned and alone. It's hard for me to reconcile the fact that people can't care or love each other. That makes me feel like wanting family is wrong. I feel like I don't want to be a mom. I feel like I don't want marriage. I don't want to be a mom. I don't want kids. Because I don't know how to trust. I have seen so much dysfunction growing up and so much betrayal and selfishness that I don't want to trust anymore. I remember when I was 15 I was living with a woman for 6 months. Her husband had passed away. Her one son had died in an accident. Her other son had moved out with his wife and kids into a wonderful apartment. And he had all the money in the world and yet he wouldn't pay her a dime. She was living on a small monthly pension but it wasn't enough for her needs. So she just ate once a day. I felt sorry for her. I helped her as much as I could. She loved my hospitality. But there was only so much I could do. It struck me hard. The realities of life. Her own son didn't give 2 shits about her and she was going blind and rotting away. I felt like family meant nothing. She told me how she had worked so hard to raise 2 kids when her husband had died young. I felt horrible. This is a woman who gave all her life to her children. Yet her own son didn't want to look after her or even visit her. Early on such examples throughout my childhood shaped my understanding of human relationships I tried to be positive but every time I showed trust I was betrayed. I was betrayed by many of my exes. I was betrayed by friends. I felt betrayed by my own mom. How do I reconcile this with my worldview. How can you have a rosy picture of the world after having witnessed all the harsh realities. I hate when people say they love their kids dearly. Because it feels like a farce. If you love your kids so much then why can't you extend the same love to others. By logic, if you are a loving person, you should show love to everyone. How can you only love something that belongs exclusively to you. Why can't you extend the same love to your parents and family which you have for your child. The woman was being neglected by her own son. But obviously the son took great care of his own kids. How strange is this all. What makes him love his kids but not his own mother. I have never been able to grasp that I kinda feel like there is a flawed perception of the world that we would like to believe. And we live in this perception. This naive trust that we have in humanity. This baseless trust It sucks because it's all a facade. I feel like MGTOW is the real way.
  12. raspberry jam. Howdy guys. It's been awhile! Here's a little update. I'd like to delve into more nuanced topics at some point and work on my writing chops, but this is all I've got at the moment... Honestly, too much has happened over the past month or so. It feels like I'm a mason jar, and Life just fuckin' packed me full of jam till I'm overflowing with raspberry decadence. No doubt, raspberry tastes delicious - but too much raspberry can make you go a little crazy. Here's a sampler of that raspberry jam... I recorded an album with the help of a professional producer and musicians. It turned into a cross-pollinating, multi-genre epic centered around grief, childhood trauma, opening the heart, and self-actualization. And during the recording process, I turned into a frenetic, disorganized, stressed-out mess. I'm still kind of a mess. A good mess, though. I heavily underestimated all of the tasks that go into releasing an album. The marketing/social media side is literally half the battle...a battle I really prefer not to fight. But it's important, so I'm doing it anyway. I think the social media stuff is stretching me more than the album creation, because it's triggering a lot of jealousy, shame, and abandonment issues in me that are ready to be processed. I'm getting my own place. Finally. Living in community was perfect for where I was, and so was living with the parents...but I feel ready to have my own place. Wish granted from the Universe, because a friend referred me to a landlord who has a place that has my name written all over it. The next task, and my most challenging one, is to... Find a day job. I've been avoiding this reality for a long time: In order to support myself and my art, I need side income. The day job has been a huge trigger for me. Ever since my friend committed suicide halfway through my college career, I established a subconscious resistance against institutionalized work. I've always disliked being told what to do, but now that dislike is the worst it's ever been. That's why I've avoided day jobs for years. The only one I had that lasted six months at a time was dog walking. Instead, I've done a lot of work exchanges, like the one on the road trip, and the most recent one in the intentional community. I'm ready to face this reality now. I'm ready to truly support myself. I think it will be very empowering for me when I accomplish this goal, because it will cut my ties of financial dependency. Of course, just as important is doing the inner work of claiming energetic sovereignty...which requires more grieving. Speaking of grieving. Lots of that lately. I've been using breathwork to process all of the crazy things that have been happening in my life. And waves and waves of grief are releasing. In order to really grow into the person I want to be, I need to grieve childhood. I need my nervous system to realize that that era is over - that I am an adult as much as a child now. And adults can take care of themselves. Relationship. Yeah, that happened. And it hit hard. Besides family members, I don't think I've never felt so deeply for someone in my life. It's not even intense feelings, just the sincere wish for this person to be happy and well. It's way deeper than the previous relationship. This has truly been medicine for me. We're both into PD, so we do the work together whenever we're triggered. I've flexed my vulnerability muscles, and so has she. Even so, we're taking it slow - and I'm extremely grateful for that. Just so grateful and appreciative in general for this opportunity and this person in my life. Spirituality has taken the back-burner. My experience in the summer with 5-MeO and my recent experience with the golden teacher has shown me that self-transcendence must yield to self-integration. I can't sit in my room and meditate/read for hours anymore. I can't escape being human. I have wounds to heal, emotions to process, and things to do in the world. I'm following my heart now, and my heart says - be human. Have an ego. Be afraid, be vulnerable, get triggered for little things, eat rich food sometimes, don't beat yourself up for missing a day of meditation. The mushrooms also encouraged me to start an exercise routine that brings me joy, in order to ground myself in my body. Almost instinctively, I started running. I've been doing it for a few weeks now in the snow, and I love it! I look forward to seeing my chicken legs turn into tree trunks So how about that raspberry jam... All great stuff, just a lot of it! I've got to remember to lick my lips sometimes. I hope all y'all are doing well. Take care of yourself this holiday season. ?
  13. I'm trying to think how not to operate in survival mode. It's tough I feel depressed every day. Life is hard. I wish I was never born. Today I'm again battling with feelings of suicide and self harm. I had these feelings even when I was 14 even when I was 16 even when I was 18 even when I was 22. I always had it. Life has never been normal. I wish I could get freedom Sometimes I ask myself "why I was born" It's a hard question.
  14. That's a really important warning, that should probably also include the numbers for some resources including suicide prevention hotlines, in my opinion. Therapy isn't just for people who are in a really bad place, it should be for anyone who is suffering at all. People have misunderstood ideas and prejudices about therapy just like they do psychedelics or drugs in general. The consciousness and intentions of the user and the quality of the tool come together to determine the results.
  15. I don't know where to start. I've been watching Leo's video for 4-5 years now and as you all know during the past 2 years or so he went deeper and deeper into the "truth". During the last two weeks, I've been living a nightmare. I went to the emergency 3x because I had thoughts of "I'm going to die".. as if the personality was going to die. I'm shaking in fear, I can't eat, I can't sleep. I've been meditating for 2 years now, but it seems I've watched too many videos where people saying "it's an illusion, nothing is real, you are god, death is an illusion, etc". I'm pretty sure my mind is now creating a fake enlightenment. I feel like nothing is real, I'm not real, why not dying now. Even though, I'm still afraid of many things, I still have desires. I never wanted to know the truth, I just wanted to be happy. I tried contacting a Buddhist school close to where I am, but they told me to see a psychiatrist. But what am I going to say to the guy.. "hey by the way you are not real". I'm slowly running out of options I feel. Anyone could help me?
  16. Against the wishes of her parents, my mother chose to enter convent school at the age of 14 with the vocation of becoming a Catholic nun. At 21 she left, finding it too difficult. Three years later she had the mischance to cross paths with my father, a psychiatric case as well as being alcholic and violent. His parents on several occasions called the mental asylum to have him taken away in a straight jacket to have electric shock treatment in his 20s. Over the years, he's been diagnosed variably as schizophrenic, psychotic, psychopath,... My mother told me she was afraid of him and thought it was the "will of God" to look after him as her life's mission. She confided in me that he'd blackmailed her into marrying him by threatening her with certain things (eg. breaking all the neighbours' windows, telling her parents she'd slept with him ("untrue"), etc. As a child, I never had a day's peace in my family. I saw my dad physically assault, threaten and mistreat my mother, this mother I loved with such a powerful intense love. I would have died for her, I loved her that much. An example of such a scene would be my father holding a large chip pan of boiling hot oil over my mother's head threatening to throw it over her. The feeling of impotence was unbearable and very traumatic for me. As a child, I was enormously attached to my mother, I had a huge love for her. I felt an intense need to look after her, protect her from harm and keep her safe. When I evoke this love, I cannot help crying. For me, she was the epitome of everything that was pure, good, kind, generous, etc, she was like a God to me. I couldn't understand how ANYONE could ever want to hurt her! The name she gave me was the same name as her best friend in the convent, from the beginning we were so close. My dad hated me and my brother because we were close to her. I did everything in my power as a kid to lessen my mother's burden and bring her joy, I was the good kid, the perfect child, that did well at school, I spoke before my time, read before my time, walked before my time, I did everything I could to please her and make her happy. I felt her pain so deeply. If she suffered, I suffered. I remember often finding her crying in her corner because she didn't know what to do, my heart breaking each time. I could try my best to console and comfort her. Putting my arms around her, I would promise her "I'd look after her when I was bigger", that she "could come and live with me and my family". So, very early on, I adopted the role of "saviour", "perfect child". The love I had for her was so strong I can't even describe it. I was obviously developing an unhealthy co-dependent relationship with her. I can't remember how old I started doing this, but at some point, as far as I can recall and certainly as soon as I was able to, I started putting myself in between my parents, pulling my father off her, when he was physically attacking her in order to protect her as best I could. And as soon as I intervened between them, the violence seemed to stop and the threats dissipate, if my memory serves me well, (at least for that night!). My 4 sisters and brother stopped crying, sobbing and screaming and my mother stopped hysterically yelling "call the police" and everyone went to bed for that night. Sometimes the police came, but my mother was too scared of my father to be able to talk to them. "No, no, I'm fine. Everything's okay". There was a social worker at the time, but she was too frightened of my father, and so nothing was done for our family. The days following these violent scenes, my mother always reproached me for having intervened between her and my father (which annoyed me to hear!) because she was "afraid of me getting hurt". I replied it was nothing, but she insisted I stop intervening between them. I obviously didn't obey, I wanted to protect her so much. As long as my father was attacking her, I'd be there to try and stop it. She didn't understand that for me the pain of passively watching the horror scenes unfold without doing anything was a thousand times worse than anything my father could do to me, and strangely enough, I wasn't afraid of him, even though he hated me. In any case, I loved my mother so much I would have sacrificed my life for her. And if my memories serve me well, I recall the violence stopping with my interventions, for those nights anyway, almost as though my father was relieved that there was somebody actually stepping in to stop it. My father didn't work. He spent his days in bed, tyrannising the household, we walked on eggshells. We'd take him up his meals and he'd throw them on the wall, having seen a hair (imaginary or not) on the plate. He'd get up at the end of the day to go to the pub. My mother had six children. She would probably have had tons more if the local priest (fortunately!) hadn't intervened and threatened to stop speaking to her unless she took some serious contraception. My mother has gone to mass almost every day since leaving the convent, even at 6 o'clock in the morning before starting work. The priest insisted that my mother took the pill. Without the intervention of the priest, I dread to think how many children she would have had ... 15 in 15 years ? 20 in 20 years ? The horror at home continued until the divorce of my parents (I was about 13 years old and hearing that news was one of the happiest days of my life). My mother finally accepted to divorce my father because the Catholic nuns at school threatened her (fortunately!!) with removing her 6 children unless she got a divorce. My eldest sister (fortunately!!) had been crying a bit at school, the nuns seemed privy to what was going on at home. After the divorce, for the next few years of my adolescence there were highs and lows between my mother and I. I felt she was trying to control me and I began being repulsed by certain caracter and personality traits she had that started alienating me from her (her agressiveness (even violence towards me a few times), her way of gossipping and speaking negatively about others (including her own daughters), her hypocrisy, stubborness, insensitivity, irresponsibility, resentfulness, etc. I began losing my illusions about her, idealising and trusting her less. Finding my family toxic and the relationships dysfunctional. (I always found my sisters and brother very selfish), I was finding it more and more depressing being around them. There was never a day of peace in the household, even with my father gone. There were always fights and arguments between my sisters, my brother would hit his 2 younger sisters. My disturbed brother was violent, threatening and unstable, and was taking drugs. He often used to go into the bathroom with his 2 dogs for sexual activities for long stretches at a time, the horrific noises really traumatised me (especially as I love animals so much). One of the things that depress me most in this world is the cruelty towards defenceless animals. I was too terrified of my brother to risk spying through the key hole, he was an angry, pyschopathic individual. (He had already kicked me hard from behind, badly hurting my private parts, picked up and threw his alsation on top of me and put a huge rifle to my head for absolutely nothing, I had been studying for my A'levels quietly on my bed). From the dogs' yelps and prolonged thudding noises against the bath, he seemed to be "getting off" by forcing the male alsatian to copulate with the (much, much smaller) little Jack Russel female. I stayed well clear of this nutcase of a brother, choosing exclusively to humour him in order to remain unharmed by him, but I checked the dogs discretely after their "bathroom episodes" to confirm my worst suspicions and invariably noticed the little female had blood around her vagina. Afraid of him and his anger, violence and moods, I was too terrified to go to the police to report these incidents with the dogs, and when I spoke about it to my mother she didn't reply as though I hadn't spoken. I think she was too afraid of him too. These incidents have remained traumatic memories in my life. I left the family home in Edinburgh at 18 years old to go and pursue my college education in another town far away, and after graduating at 22, decided to leave the country altogether and go and live and work abroad in Europe. Six years later I met my lovely husband. I'm 53 years old now, we've been together for 24 years, still as much in love and happy together, we have an enormous respect for each other and love each other deeply. I feel blessed having him in my life. During my adult years, I often visited my mother but I realised there was less and less of a real relationship between us. Each visit gave me fewer reasons to trust her. I don't think she was making much effort with me now, perhaps because I'd moved so far away, she was probably disappointed with me. A few times, I'd eavesdrop accidently on her telephone conversations with my eldest sister, she'd be running me down, even lying and exaggerating things. I was her guest for the weekend, and yet here she was badmouthing me off to my sibling. I couldn't believe my ears, I never said anything to her, just vowed silently to myself to visit her less and less. I remember thinking (positively) at the time that her doing that would just facilitate me cutting the umbilical cord with her (co-dependent relationship). This treachery of hers was the proof I needed to help me cut myself free from her with less guilt. When my sister didn't want anything to do with me, at least now I understood why! I actually asked her one day why I hadn't been invited to her wedding, she replied "because mammy said you did this, or did that", as if my mother had been taking a perverse pleasure in coquering and dividing us. Over the decades, I've also found my sisters' lives more and more depressing, with their husbands invariably alcoholic, unstable, unfaithful, disloyal, unreliable, violent. ****************************************************** My brother has spent most of his life in and out of prison and addicted to heroin. At one time, when he was in prison my mother moved house which relieved me enormously because it meant my brother wouldn't know of her whereabouts and therefore couldn't bother her any more for money for his heroin. That was the first time she was really free of him. It lasted about 5 or 6 years. One day in 2009, the Probation Officer rang my mother to say that he was leaving prison but had nowhere to go. So my mother accepted him moving in with her. She said the officer knew how to pull on her heart strings. If she refused, her son would be in the streets. She had an anonymous adress that my brother didn't know about, safe from him for the first time in her life, and here he was now moving in with her. I think the shock was too much for her. A few days after he'd moved in, my mother had a massive stroke (she nearly died) which put her in hospital for the next 6 months. She lost everything, she was like a vegetable, she could no longer move, speak, focus, understand, etc The nurse told me the stress of my brother moving in probably triggered the stroke. As an aftermath she is now handicapped, only the left side of her body functions. She can no longer do so many things she loved to do, driving, knitting, etc, let alone the more basic day to day tasks. When she was in hospital, pressure was put on my brother to vacate her premises. Sooner or later, he found himself back in prison. The next decade of his life continues along the same theme, in and out of prison and heroin. In January 2018, leaving prison, my brother asked a pal to do the same thing as the Probation Officer had done in the past, namely call my mother and pull on her heartstrings, lamenting the fact that my brother had no bed to go to. My mother fell for it and acquiesced and before we know it, he's back living with her. Since then he's taking her for everything she's got in order to get his heroin. My mother's now 80, 10 years older than the last time, and is too tired to resist. Judging from her symptoms, I also believe she has Frontotemporal dementia, but nobody is interested in getting her a diagnosis. She's lost the battle with my brother, and is being exploited and abused by him, all the while turning a blind eye, at the cost of falling out with most of her daughters for months on end. I wonder if perversely she is happy he is there to "look after her until she dies", that she won't be alone for the remaining years left to her. She is probably also feeling guilty that it's her "fault he's on drugs, she didn't protect him enough as a kid". He lies to her all the time, says he needs 30 pounds for something, she believes him each time, gives him her credit card, he takes 300 pounds out of the cash machine, then waits till midnight to take another 300 out. He probably tells he "he'll look after her, do her meals, etc". He steals her cheques and her possessions, pawning stuff like her precious tv (invalid that's all she's got in her life), he doesn't give a damn about her. He goes off in taxis just to go to the cash machine or to his dealer. In the space of a few months, he'd already spent 1,700 pounds from her account, probably giving heroin to his mates too, judging by the amount he's spending. He shoots up any old place in her bungalow, even blocking my mother's access to her fridge during the heatwave, so my sister had to nip out and get my mother a cold drink from the local shop. My mother's incontinent and her house now smells badly of urine, I don't think she always has access to her bathroom, my brother being comatose behind the door. He plays music really loud at 3 o'clock in the morning, he invites his criminal friends around. I worry enormously about the health and safety of my mother. She is totally isolated, nobody in the family visits her any more, they're all too afraid of him. He's very threatening and intimidating, my nieces have seen him "out of it" with strange grimaces and they're too freaked out to go back to see my mum. He's completely isolated my mother, he hides her phone, and hangs up when anyone calls her. As well as Class A drugs, he's also smoking and drinking, my mother doesn't have insurance on her house. What if there's a fire? The insurance companies refuse to insure my mother's house because there's a known felon registered at her address. All that is horrific to me, I live far away and feel so impotent to do anything. It's the last thing I would have wished for my mother in the last years of her life. I've said little to my sisters but I'm shocked and disappointed with them. I honestly think they could have done a lot more for my mother and feel they've just abandoned her. They live really close by and yet have not really bothered with her. Since her stroke, she is handicapped, she has lost all her abilities on her right-hand side, she moves around with enormous difficulty, in a wheel chair and has a load of other problems due to her obesity. I really think my sisters are selfish not according her any of their time. They hardly visit her, or bring her meals as they should. This is a mother who would have given her last penny to help someone less fortunate than herself. At one point, I was even offering one of my sisters material objects and books in exchange for her cooking for my mother, negotiating all this at a distance, from another country. I sincerely believe that the reason my brother was able to enter into the situation so easily was because there was a void created for him, a vacuum to step into, because my mother didn't really have anyone else properly looking after her. He quickly sussed that he just need to adopt the role of "carer" and she'd be putty in his hands. The irony is that he can't even take care of himself, let alone his mother. He's even filled in papers to send off to the powers that be, registering himself as her official primary caretaker so that he can get paid by the state for "looking after her". Last September (2018), seeing as my sisters weren't doing anything for my mother, I decided to do my best to help. First at at distance. I contacted EVERYBODY for help : probation, associations against exploitation of elderly people, social services, the police, the doctor, her church, everyone, I don't do things by half, I telephoned left, right and centre, I wrote pages after pages detailing everything, and sending my reports by email to all concerned, but nobody could help or intervene as long as my mother kept telling them that "everything was fine". She insisted that she was alright (just like she did in the past with my father), and that her son was "a good boy" and not doing anything wrong, that he was "looking after her", but in reality she was turning a blind eye to everything he was doing and to the state of her (diminishing) bank account, etc., she was in total denial. At one point I even suspected my brother of drugging my mother too (her head seemed so much in the sand and she seemed quite strange on the phone) but it couldn't be proven. I seriously think now that she has just decided to help him financially in her last remaining years, perhaps by guilt, or maybe because she thinks it's "God's will", perhaps she's afraid of having another stroke alone, or of dying alone? or is she just exhausted? Maybe there's be too much brainwashing, manipulation ("If you don't give me the money, I'll just have to mug an old lady in the street", "mum, you can't imagine my life in prison, I don't feel safe there", etc.) Or maybe she thinks she'll get a place in heaven? Last September, every service agency, institution I contacted gave me the same reply : "your mother doesn't want our help, she's happy with her son living there with her, she accepts giving him money, and it's her choice, she's "mentally autonomous" and hasn't any cognitive problems. We must respect her choice, she's free to do as she likes." The whole situation disturbed me greatly. I talked on the phone to a policeman on the case who said the situation didn't sit at all easy with him either. 2018 is his probabtion year and yet here he is manipulating, exploiting and stealing from this own mother. He gave me some advice, and told me if it was HIS mother, he would 1. try and get the brother back in prison (so the mother would no longer be isolated and the family could visit her again in order to work out a plan of action to help her out of this quagmire), then 2. get her a mental assessment (which would show she was not able to act in her own best interests and could therefore access available community help and support), and then 3. find her an alternative living accomodation (where the son would get limited access under surveillance). I was getting reports from my niece who visited her, who saw my brother completely out of it behind the front door (which freaked her out so much she isn't going to check in on my mum anymore), and my mum rocking back and forth in the living room in her armchair (as though to comfort herself?). I decided to take a week off and travel over there, I was on a mission with the policeman's 3 step-plan as a guideline of action, to see if I could talk to her in person. I only bought a one-way ticket to Scotland, planning on returning to my life, and getting the return ticket back, when my mission was done. I arranged to stay at one of my sister's for the duration of my stay. However, I quickly became a "persona non grata" for my mum because she evidently didn't want to hear what I had to say. I explained to her that my eldest sister was so depressed with it all that she was seriously thinking of committing suicide, she was talking of driving her car off the motorway. My mother was like a cold stone, she seemed strangely insensitive to what I was saying, as if I hadn't spoken. The only thing she came out with was to say that it was terrible the day before, the police had come (the same policeman incidently that I had talked to) and tried to tackle her son, to provoke him into hitting them back so they could properly arrest him. (My brother now in his 50s is not stupid, and was able to hold off from retaliating with the police so as to avoid arrest). I told my mother it was I that had contacted the police to make a visit because I was worried about her. Needless to say, my mother would no longer look at me, or speak to me. I learnt afterwards that she had repeated to my brother that it was I who had summoned the police, he phoned me and left me threatening messages. I no longer felt safe at my mum's (she told me herself I wasn't safe "after all the trouble you're causing") and that my brother could come home any minute. I didn't want to imagine what he was capable of, me on a mission to "save my mum" from his clutches and separate them, I was obviously his biggest threat to any heroin source. I told my mum she'd been a good mother, she'd done everything she could for him, she now had to "let him go". "Why does she think she deserves this kind of abuse?" She started sobbling, I told her repeatedly she had to "let it all out", that she'd been bottling this pain up for too long. While I was over there, my plan was to organise an "intervention" with all the family (meeting up elsewhere than at my mum's because he was always there, lurking around, controlling). There would be us 5 daughters, my aunt, and a few nieces, together we could pour our hearts out to try and make her see sense. Unfortunately, I didn't have the support of my sisters, on the contrary, they sabotaged what I was trying to do to save my mum from the situation. The only way I can describe it, is to say it was as though they were all living in La-La land, with their heads in the sand. Everytime I called my mum, she put the phone down on me. If my brother answered, he would curse and swear at me, threatening me if I called again. Once I heard him grappling the phone from my mum and hurting her in the process, she cried out in pain. I couldn't go round and see her anymore because of my brother's threats, I think pushed to anger he'd have been capable of knifing me, if it wasn't the fear of going back to prison which would stop him. I was enemy number 1 for him. After a week, I had exhausted all my options to help my mum. She didn't seem to care about me or my legitimate feelings of concern for her, she just accused me of rocking the boat, of being a trouble maker, of causing problems, of being "nasty", I had become the scape-goat. I decided to catch the first flight back home and cut all ties with everyone, my mum, my sisters, for my mental health sake. The situation was too crazy for me. I found myself once again in the horrific situation I had as a child : complete impotence. I was outraged at what was happening, I still am, but I cannot accept just accepting passively the mistreatment of somebody I love without being able to do anything about it, and for this very person to refuse my help. It's been a year now since I've cut those ties officially, for good, once and for all, with the whole of my family. I have to protect myself, the situation was dragging me back to the trauma and impotence of my childhood, the folly and abnormality of it all. It's no good just getting news from my sisters updating me on a situation which would no doubt progressively be getting worse and worse. I feel a bit disgusted at the lack of support from my sisters in 2018 at my moment of need (I had made a lot of sacrifices and put my whole life on hold to go over and help them) and for their passivity and lack of compassion for my mother. If I can't do anything for her, it would be too disturbing for me to just passively receive bad (and worsening) news, I don't know what to do with this suffering, this impotence. I think about my mother everyday , she is so often in my dreams, I have nightmares too about the both of them, where my mum is in danger. I have just recently discovered Leo's videos and through them I often try to make sense of what I'm going through. For example, on the "self esteem" video how some people think they "deserve" that kind of abuse, etc My heart feels completely broken, sometimes I cry so easily just thinking of her. I would never have wished the last years of my mother ending like this, she really doesn't deserve it. I feel like I just want my mum to die now, as peacefully as possible, but quicker rather than later. I will really feel relieved to learn that she's died. I just want her to be safe. I'd feel happier at the news of my brother dying from an overdose, except that my mother would be hurt by that, I wouldn't want her to get heartbroken over that. I feel so anxious at what could happen when she no longer has anything to give my brother. It drives me crazy seeing the dangerous situations she creates for herself, she seems to be so fatalistic. My only hope is that she is safe, the most basic thing in life, that's all I've ever wanted for her. Forget even about any happiness or peace for the moment, just basic personal safety, godammit. In spite of my huge tenderness for her, I can say today that I regret having this person as my mother, I feel like it's caused me too much suffering.
  17. If it comes suddenly, it is most likely also bound to go suddenly. Sometimes this happens without us really knowing why. You can try to go and figure it out and maybe you'll find some nice answers, but this is not the essential. Be prepared for this too change. The best preparation for that shift is not to start fearing or mentally bulking yourself up or whatever, but to actually detach from the positive and pleasant sensations you're having right now. Just don't give it any special attention. Enjoy it, but when I say enjoying it I don't mean that you need to grab onto it. Just allow it to go through you and stay neutral towards it. People are all enthousiastic about the notion of detachment when things are going bad, but when things are going good they forget all about that notion and then completely lose themselves in the positive duality. This is how most people with bipolar disorder experience their life. They get depressed and then life gets all terrible and they may even start contemplating suicide, and then sometime later enter their manic phase in which they get all energetic and happy, and this depressive phase that they had loses all their meaning, and they get completely lose in the impulsive mania and start acting really stupid, because their thinking process is: "What does it matter? I'm completely happy anyway!". And then they have to deal with the shit they created in this manic phase when they enter their depressive phase again. And so the cycle goes on. You can't detach from the negative if you aren't willing to detach from the positive. Right now is your best opportunity. You may not feel like you're very interested right now because you're happy and nothing else really seems to matter because you're happy and peaceful anyways, but when you would get to a phase in which things would start to get much worse, then the notion of detachment will probably seem a whole lot more attractive to you, but then its in some sense too late because when you're low, you have much less energy and space for you to be able to detach yourself. When you're high, it's much easier to detach in a sense because the detachment won't come out of a struggle, which will be the tendency when you're on the low side of things. True freedom isn't what you're experiencing right now. True freedom is the detachment from this positive, pleasant experience too. Freedom is detachment from all. Good or bad, comfortable or uncomfortable. True and total freedom is to be aloof under any circumstances. That's what most people don't understand. They think that experiencing a high is the Ultimate. It's not the ultimate; it's just a high. It may be a existential melting with God and divine unity and infinite bliss or whatever, but once we get back in our normal state of mind and in the relative world, all it would have been was a high. Maybe such an experience is part of the Ultimate. But i feel that without the quality of the witness, of a detached Being, of what we could call "the fourth eye", I still feel like something is missing. If you come to get addicted or attached to such experiences, however divine and total it may be, then still you are not free. Seek freedom, not experiences nor insights.
  18. @IChoseTheRedPill Grief is one of the many reasons my self actualisation path has intensified. I lost a close friend to suicide also and it took the rug out from beneath my feet. The pain and suffering was unbearable at times. Writing a letter to him really helped. As did allowing myself to really feel what I needed to feel. Self love, talking to others, asking for help, meditation, exercise, walking in nature. Time really does help.
  19. I'd be really interested to hear more about this, either on this thread or elsewhere. Do you have a journal? Also, I'm glad suicide is not currently high on your agenda. I hope it stays that way for you.
  20. LSD really fucks up my mental clarity and obliterates my ego (every time after peaks I have to re-assemble the ego). I can't think/contemplate properly with it or there's no "someone" to experience some mind-blowing states of consciousness. Also I experience a more zen/male-like type of love with LSD, but with MDMA it was an extremely intense Christ/feminine-like love. LSD is a very flexible substance, and I agree with better intention and training I can get there with it. Recently I got a "device" for committing suicide and planned to do so this weekend, MDMA made me re-think that))) It showed me that it would be a very selfish action on my part and cause insane suffering for my mother. Last LSD trip did not alleviate my desire to die at all, since it makes me realize it's all an illusion/nothing. Realizing that everything's a mental game/illusion when you're living a hellish life isn't fun. It adds up to insanity aspect. Also looks like this MDMA trip alleviated some of my social anxiety barriers. After it's peak I got MANY insights on the devilish ways I treat other people. MDMA is certainly not a top-weapon for spirituality, but has many unique benefits very few talk about (since it's a party drug).
  21. What is Leo's stance on vulnerability? Say you're vulnerable/open with someone you want to have as a partner, is that good or bad? Would it be considered 'victim behavior'? All inner children are victim selves (Even the converse is true). And, everyone has an inner child as part of being human (cuz childhood trauma is part of being human). When you shame people for being victims, you're just deepening their emotional wounding to begin with. I think it's an abusive thing to do in a relationship! What do yall think? Also, we're a social species and we need each other. There's a difference between taking responsibility for your life and denying your need for someone to take responsibility for your life (and trying to meet that need yourself). I want a relationship in which both of us are taking responsibility for each other's life and our lives are integrated with each other. Does wanting this come under 'victim mentality'? Always remember that emotional needs are more important to the human body than physical needs. That's why people become martyrs, stop eating and drinking after losing a loved one, commit suicide, etc. I'm seeing a lot people getting shamed here for showing their victim sides. Is expressing how you feel (however delusional it may be) considered weakness and being macho all the time considered strength here on this forum? I understand if you may not want to feel sorry for victims (it may make you feel weak or something), but that's exactly what they need! When you tell a victim you feel sorry for them, they begin to find their feet.
  22. Hi @lightnessofbeing, you need to release your trauma and also experience how the situation all happened because of love. to do this do the following. firstly read this book called "keeping pain in the past" its an amazing book on healing trauma where it talks about how to release trauma you need to remember, feel, express, release and reframe in order to heal from trauma. step 1: (I RECCOMEND DOING THIS WHOLE EXERCISE WITH A PROFESSIONAL PSYCHOTHERAPIST, you could do it solo but be careful !!!!) This letter must include, What happened, how it felt at the time, how it affected you since, What you are going to do to let it go. The first step is you must recall "what happened" and you must recall what the perpetrator of the trauma did, in agonizing detail. This part of the letter documents the part of your life that has been berried ---whatever comprises the content of your pain in the past. The goal for the first step of what happened is simple to understand but difficult to express. The greater the detail, the greater the immersion into the pain, and therefore the greater the opportunity for release and healing. Secondly, you must express how it felt to be you at the time. The greater the depth of feeling that you discuss, the greater the potential for healing. In the feeling chapter, I emphasized the need to feel your feelings fully. Its especially important as part of this exercise. All the feelings that have been trapped in your memory must be felt and expressed for release to occur. Horror, fear, hopelessness, vulnerability, panic, impending doom, and thoughts of death and suicide are all common emotions felt by the traumatized and all need to be written and included in this letter. Tears are often an integral part of expressing pain and horror. Step three---how this has affected the client since then---get the client to express how their youth innocence may have been stolen, how your ideas about love and family were permanently stained, or how their world became a dangerous place etc. In this part of the letter share how this part of this trauma(s) robbed me of my naïve smile and replaced it with a sense of fear and mistrust and with avoidance of eye contact. This second and third step of the letter is to allow you the opportunity to express in writing the deepest of human agony and attach words to feelings and sensations that have been virtually indescribably to this point. By expressing and releasing the pain, you will and can achieve healing.in the next part of the letter you must release for peace, in this part of the letter explains how you are going to let go of this traumatic event. The mere expression of emotional pain is not always curative. To release pain is to ultimately let go and letting go never condones the bad behavior, letting go is merely the release of pain. Letting go is a gift for yourself.in this part of the letter explain how you are going to let go of this situation and leave it in the past for good if you can. step 4: read this letter out loud to a train therapist who you trust and have built a relationship with (or you could do with a close friend or family member you trust but I personally recommend doing this with a trained therapist because there will be a lot of negative emotions arising and it is better to be with someone who can ground you and bring you back if you have flashbacks or something depending on how much it has affected you. but yes read this letter out loud to someone word to word in great detail. step 3: let a week pass and then watch Leos video on "what is love part 2" and "all criticism is untenable" and also used the information you learned in this weeks episode on self-love and contemplate how the whole situation happened because of love, how self-love works and that all criticism is untenable , this will help you contextualize reframe the situation in your mind, some psychedelics would really help in this part process !!! Id also recommend going to 5 or 6 reiki sessions for 5 or 6 weeks in a row and see how you feel off it in conjunction with all the other steps !!! hope this helps and sending much love to you !!!
  23. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Go tell that to the shroom in your profile pic and see if it agrees with you. Going from loss of job -> CEO at most reduces a minuscule of suffering, if any. The reason why you disagree is because you've been brainwashed by the Capitalist upbringing you've had to believe CEOs have better lives and are in less suffering than people on the streets - and yet CEOs have the same, if not higher rate of suicide, early deaths and drug abuse as people living on the streets. God knows that the answer to people's suffering isn't manipulating the dream to suck up to the dogmas of capitalism. God knows its a mindset problem. And that's partly why the world is exactly the way it is. The world is already the best, beautiful, optimised for happiness the exact way it is right now. No not the world you're living in, I mean the world you go to when you focus on the present moment so hard that you forget who you are. Any other world than that found in the extreme depths of the present moment is as imaginary as the monster under your bed. And you wonder why, why God did you make a world with loss of jobs, illnesses, murders - simple. Because those things are as real as the monster under your bed. You dream them up every day, then complain when those dreams don't go the way you want. The solution isn't to shout and yell at that monster, the solution isn't to try and kill that monster(how can you kill a dream that you keep thinking about?) the solution is to stop believing in the dream. Same with poverty and illness. The solution isn't to try and cure poverty, nor is it to eradicate disease, its to stop believing in it in the first place. And yet its still valuable to eradicate disease, because God likes to create - but don't be fooled, you're not meant to eradicate disease to end suffering, you're meant to eradicate disease IF its a way for you to express who you want to be, who you are, you do it for the sake of helping God create.
  24. I don't care that much whether a certain big industry caters to men or women or monkeys. All of it is totally out of my control. Let me remind you that there are also toxic femininity cultures in female-dominated industries. That's also out of my control. In my opinion, workers need more attention than customers who can just avoid the products or services. In game industry, men rat each other out to managers, so they cannot form unions. In some female-dominated industries, women harass each other to suicide and depression. Just adding more women to game industry doesn't make it better if the quality of women you add to it is not better than the quality of men in game industry. Given that game industry tends to attract shitty men, it can easily attract shitty women, too.
  25. I’m not saying your perspective is wrong. To me, the perspective is narrow and you are extrapolating. I feel bad for a boy or girl that is discouraged from developing their masculine traits. And I feel bad for a boy or girl that is discouraged from developing their feminine traits. Yet I don’t correlate male = masculine and female = feminine as best. It is just as disappointing to me to see a boy discouraged from expressing masculine as a boy discouraged from expressing feminine. Yet in most cultures, it the suppression of males expressing feminine is more common, so that is my bigger concern. You seem to be hyper focused on the loss of masculinity. What about a young boy raised in a house with a masculine father who learned masculine traits? This boy was deprived the opportunity to develop as a feminine man or transgender woman. If he was raised by lesbian women, perhaps he could have blossomed into a beautiful transgender woman - rather than being stuck as a masculine male. When we identify and see only one side as being good, it creates a lens of perception. If I identify as male and think masculine maleness is best, I will interpret reality through that lens. I will feel bad for boys raised in single mother homes because they didn’t get a chance to have a masculine father role model. if I identify as nonbinary and see exploring non-binary gender as best, I will feel bad for children that grew up with heterosexual parents and were raised to believe they were male or female. I would feel bad they didn’t have the opportunity to explore non-binary genders. Both views come from a place a love, we want people to have access to what we think is good. Yet each view is also contracted through a lens of perception. I don’t see a LGBTQ or progressive conspiracy to brainwash children into becoming gay, lesbian or transgender. The goal is for LGBTQ inclusion and equality. Yet to the majority dominant group, inclusion and equality appears as a threatening power grab that is harmful. Cis, trans, straight, gay can all be included in society. Ironically, the opposite of the situation you describe above is very prevalent and causes a lot of harm. LGBTQ kids undergo enormous marginalization/ostracization/stigmatization. Abuse toward LGBTQ teens is prevalent - such that they often mask their identity and suffer. Their rates of psychological problems and suicide is much higher than the general population. Why don’t you feel concern for these kids? Why aren’t you a advocate for them and willing to fight for them?