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There are no social services here Last week I called a suicide hotline and they never picked my calls. It's like there's nobody there.. My mental and physical condition has been deteriorating to the point that I might have to give up my job. The family pressure to get married is too much. My family's unsupportive dynamic sucks I battle a health condition that I won't discuss here, that's the only thing that I keep off limits. It's too tough to survive and I often thought of suicide many many times.

https://ennyman.medium.com/a-lesson-from-29-golden-gate-suicide-attempts-a42f4ef3f970

Please tell me what you are going through. I know someone who attended suicide. He was glad that he didn't follow through. I wish I was there with you but I hope you can at least tell us what going on.

I've also heard this guy, perhaps several, who've tried committing suicide but failed said that, when they jumped, they immediately regretted it. Also, I know you said you were done with practical advice, but have you looked into or tried any heavy metal detox stuff? I've heard people can really suffer, even emotionally, from heavy metal poisoning, and maybe with just that "simple" fix, it might alleviate lots of suffering that you've been battling using purely psychological methods. When maybe, it was simply the wrong approach to the issue. I hope you feel better and well. Maybe here's some reasons to stay. We love you.

@Dunnel I will give you a good reason to live. A good reason to live would be that all the best human beings throughout history of humanity did not want you to commit suicide. I am sure this enough.

I believe that Angels exist. Angels. I don't think I can take it any longer. Maybe some angel can take me with them and liberate me from my pain. It is difficult. Life is difficult. I can't take anymore. And I don't have the courage to commit suicide. I feel helpless and trapped. I wish my soul could be set free from this terrible world I was born into. I don't find peace. My soul wants to be done with this world for good. My soul cannot take the strain of life. I wish I could die right now but I can't because I don't know how to off myself. I have no way of living in this world of demons and vampires and people who look trustworthy but are actually cunning and manipulative and fake. Nobody wants to do shit. CALLING ME A DRAMA QUEEN DOESN'T HELP ME. CALLING ME ANYTHING DOESN'T HELP ME. I'M FED UP WITH FAKE FRIENDS. I'M FED UP WITH FAKE LOVERS AND FAKE BOYFRIENDS WHO ONLY WANT TO USE ME. I'M FED UP WITH FAKE FAMILY MEMBERS. I'M FED UP WITH THE DEVIL WHO DESPERATELY WANTS ME DEAD BECAUSE I FEEL HIS PRESENCE LAUGHING AT MY PAIN ALL THE TIME I'M TIRED OF LIFE.... TIRED OF ALL THE ABUSE.

@Leo Gurahave talked to 4 psychologists. Talked to my parents many times. Tried the spiritual work. Sick of materialism. Tried suicide hotline, was hot garbage. Have no patience for my own bullshit anymore. Thanks for your videos. I might wake up tomorrow taking some sane decisions, but for now I feel pretty determined to jump off and break my legs. I know I could do more, of course. But Ive tried for so many years.

It's tough to watch humanity. I was suicidal again today. So I clicked on a video about suicide.

If I'm free how is it so that I can't escape life? I changed my job to a one which it kills me. I can't sleep well and it hurts my back. The work is mindless too. I'm slowly losing my mind. So I thought in quitting everything, to avoid the suffering that this situation is producing. But then when I thought about quitting, i doubt I can't because I can't surrender the attachment to material goals I want to achieve, and attachment to my family not suffering my loss ( I wasnt planning to suicide, but just let go of everything. For once be free...) So I'm damn if I do and I'm damn if I don't . What do you think about my situation?

Suicide is selfish, therefore you can only die and go to Unity as opposed to reincarnation when you least expect it.

@Hardkill No, the nineties had left/right culture wars (Marilyn Manson, etc.), Kosovo wars, Monica Lewinsky, Columbine, Kurt Cobain's suicide, and other stuff. Still not as bad as what comes after the nineties...

the desire to awaken is what leads to awakening. the ego knows that it must die but it cannot make itself die. the search for something external to act as a trigger is the only option that the ego sees for its suicide, since it cannot cause its own death. artificially created experience, if complete, occurs when it is have to. It is also artificial to sit for hours to silence the mind or to self-observe the slightest thought. they are manifestations of the same thing: the will to wake up. the ego itself realizes the trap that it means, and assumes that the only solution is its dissolution, but it does not know how to leave, since the fact of wanting to leave reinforces it even more. He needs a gun, put it to his temple, and pull the trigger

THE THEME OF THINGS GOING FULL CIRCLE TIMNE TO GET SEIOUR S SUICIDE OR EXTREME SUCCESS. EXTREME BANGING 10'S ALL DAY ON ROTATION, 200K IN THE BANK AT A YOUNG AGE, EXTREME SHIT MAYBE SOME COCAINE TO CELEBRATE TOO NO MORE IN THE MIDDLE, EXTREME BITCH TAKE MUSHROOMS & BECOME KING

When I will commit suicide, all those who tormented me, abused me, they will go to hell for eternity, my soul will never rest in peace. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution.. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution. my soul will never rest in peace. I will scream in deepest agony. There will be retribution.

And then it was September 2015. I was feeling extremely lonely. I was living alone at the time. I had my second ex. We weren't getting along a relationship I was eventually going to break in 2017 mid June. And I begged and fell on my knees. In a moment of despair, I suddenly gave up and wanted to die, I wanted to commit suicide, I wanted to be gone. I had lost my dad years ago I had lost my pet. I had lost everything. I didn't want to live for anything. And I felt my boyfriend didn't love me. I wanted to end it all. Nobody loved. Not my mom. Not anyone. No one cared if I would have been gone. I prayed to Christ for strength. I prayed for hope. Then suddenly. Things changed. I felt warmth. I rose. I remember sitting. Thinking. It was different. Next day my mom called me to tell me that she is coming over to my place. I felt nice. At least I won't feel alone. I felt like God had given me a sign. He wanted to tell me that I was going to be okay After that whatever happened was nothing short of a miracle. I began to be heavily influenced by spirituality. I was suddenly propelled in this direction where I would constantly question everything around me in a spiritual context. Everything has had to have an answer, a meaning. I started collecting journals. I bought a few diaries. I began scribbling and writing in early 2016. It was january 2016. I got my journal and began writing, not online, but in my physical journal. I had no idea Actualized Org existed at the time. I would sit in a corner, huddled into a space and keep writing. I would write endlessly. A lot of stuff I wanted to write about. I didn't want to stop. I wrote throughout 2016. I wrote nearly 10 diaries that year that I still have in my cabin. Then in 2017 I broke up and had health issues. I met Joseph at the end of this year. I came across Leo's video in around my birthday and then I decided to join the forum the day after my birthday. This was 2018. I went straight to the journal section and began journaling. My spiritual quest began that year 2018 and never ended. I wrote throughout the year.

When I read things like this it feels like it gets shoved down my throat. What does this even mean? I did not choose to be born. What is the point for "some comsic intelligence" to create a human who is doomed to suffer and cannot escape even throguh suicide since one will be reincarnated as some miserable soul. When you say stuff like this it makes the universe seem incredible dark and cruel, like there is only hell for eternity in all directions.

Ya, I hear ya. Sounds difficult and like you're experiencing some painful emotions and that you're getting a bit fed up with them and don't really see a light at the end of the tunnel. I get that and totally understand contemplating suicide from that perspective. Been there (if that's where you are). If you can feel the feels, that's worked for me. But sometimes it can be hard, so healthy doses of distraction (compassion) can also help. I've been setting a bar of 10 pushups a day. Sure I'm not gunna be the Hulk, but crossing that off a list makes me feel productive nonetheless. Everything changes. I hope things improve for you. If you're looking for some free virtual interaction with people with faces, I'd recommend thestoa.ca ... lots of thinkers and even activities like shadow-work exercises, breathwork, and even an event where you take turns rapping to a beat!

Ideas of 'me' dissolve and there is no concept of "me" separate from Everything. There is no thoughts like "A great trip, yet I better wrap this up and return back to myself". The return just happens. Yet the nice thing about 5-meo is that the return is somewhat gradual. There are a few minutes in which One can observe the return. For me, this is one of the most profound parts of the trip because it is a bridge to higher consciousness. Ime, to reach that level - I had to be willing to surrender everything. My sanity, job, family and life. Everything. And not just for one trip. During my month-long 5-meo retreat, I approached a gate around day 7 (while 'sober'). To keep going, I had to leave all my bags behind. That day I was allowed to decide whether I was willing to lose it all. I decided to keep going and that was the last day "me" was present. The concept of a "me" didn't return for another 20 days and it was a bit traumatic when it did. Ime, reaching the deepest levels required the willingness to lose anything and everything I valued. Including my mind and body. Yet there are many amazing realms which does not have that entry price. I wouldn't frame it like that. Committing suicide has an association of suffering so bad, one takes their life. I've never had those energetics entering a trip. In terms of the psychological self, I think a better description would be 'ego dissolution'. The experience of the dissolution process can vary greatly. I've had trips in which it was beyond blissful. I was presented with the choice of holding onto a finite, insecure, separate being or a realm of expansion, Oneness and Love. It's a no-brainer. I'm like "Heck yea!! See ya old self, let's goooo!!!". There have been other times in which the self holds on and fits. I experience some trips as something is trying to possess me. Rather than surrender, I try to keep control of my mental narrative. This can lead to extreme anxiety and terror. This very much feels like dying. Yet rather than committing suicide, it's more like being over-powered and some other entity trying to kill me. Surrender is the key. If the mind fights, things can turn ugly. These dynamics were more of an issue when I was a newbie. After enough trips, it starts to become normal. Yet I won't do high doses of certain psychedelics because the body load is too intense and my mind-body was never able to adapt to heavy body loads.

Basically, yes. But in practice, no, because you take low doses and so you rarely reach the ultimate 100% Godhead state. Physically dying from a psychedelic is extremely rare. You might as well ask, "So every time you get in a car you have to go into it as if you are committing suicide?" Way more people die from cars than psychedelics, so your fears are not well grounded. Mahasamadhi is not something that happens to you accidentally. It is a conscious choice to leave behind the dream world. Of course you could always accidentally kill the physical body if you take way too much of a dose. But that would be the equivalent of driving your car into a wall. That is your fault.

So every time one take a psychedelic they have to basically go into it as they are committing suicide? And if you are able to come back, that's just icing on the cake.

I am contemplating suicide now at some point daily for the past two months. I have severely undermined my ability to care for my fate and for the fate of others. I am refusing to accept the pressure that is expected from me from a part of my family from my father's side, my deceased grandfather and my grandmother and father, to be enduring and become strong and independent with completing my goal of passing exams for some subject and achieving state-financed studying next year or self-finance but finding and earning a living from some employment or job to pay for it. What's pushing me forward is the possibility of still being able to achieve this. But I have rejected a lot of the theories and advice on this channel on how to get out some misconceived notion of my pride. The main mental and life situation problems are stoping me from seizing all responsibility for my life in my hands and wanting to fulfill my dreams and wishes for my future self: 1. I consistently refuse or don't have the strength and endurance to stand up to my father now who raised me as a kid and was always there with me and buying me stuff when I was a child and I deluded myself mentally even though I am feeling bad when I do this that I don't want to do this because he is equally dependent on me because of my deceased mother's pension as well as I on him because he buys me stuff that I need and gives me food in our apartment that we inherited from my deceased mother's savings that made it possible to purchase it. 2. My lack of caring for anyone including myself even though I amused myself with a newly released documentary by Adam Curtis last weekend 3. A constant or consistent sense of alienation and being a stranger to the patterns of this country that I live in (Serbia) dominant culture and values and life patterns when I walk through society and do everyday life activities 4. My refusal to accept that I need to be strong and struggle now for the sake of not just myself but others in my family - the state of deep alienation, nihilism, and a consistent lack of love and caring for others and thinking about others feelings in my family and their history (which I now know but fail to appreciate their struggle and life and for the need and the pressure for me to carry on the torch that they have worked so hard and sacrificed in their life for - to have decedent and a grandson and son that is strong, independent, and will care for them and appreciate and somehow pay back what they did for him), alive and deceased, that take care of me and have given so much to me when I was a kid and later when I was an adolescent and studying here for my exams while my grandfather was alive and with my grandmother. 5. The deep sense of betrayal that I feel I have inflicted on my previous envisioned goals and values therefore on those that wanted me (especially my deceased mother) that wanted me to be successful and carry on the torch to care for myself and my father, her and my grandmother and grandfather and to the part of her family that is still alive and especially my young little sister and aunt and uncle and grandmother and grandfather which I avoided and missed an opportunity to call and hear from on a short state holiday here - because I wanted to watch and see all the parts of Adam Curtises newly released docuseries on the history and causes of the current state of power in the world and it's sourced in the modern world and how it came to be in order to then have a mental power trip that I know and care about what other people fail to see or don't care about all in surviving their day to day lives. 6. The lack of empathy which I now feel to my closest family - my grandmother, father, and aunt how I am in most regular contact with - and sense of not feeling love and care towards them - and not caring for myself 7. Feeling that I am a degradation and degeneration of my grandfather's character, social standing, and life achievements and accomplishments and willpower, and my father's 8. I am forgetting what I promised people I know and I am friends with would do and then not doing then and then still approaching them to ask them how they are - out some vague emotional impulse - even though I completely forgot and didn't do what they asked me to do. 9. If I can talk to someone via zoom or any other platform to better articulate and express this emptiness and total lack of care which I sometimes feel towards my self and to my family's reaction of my state and thoughts and plans and feelings (which popped up consistently from time to time over to find a way to roll over, give up and lie down in my mother's apartment and kill myself and die together with my father (who I know still wants to live I think even for himself - because I suspect he finds meaning and purpose and satisfaction in teaching skillfully and talentedly English and German in order for them to mostly leave the country and have better opportunities and earn more while working abroad (mostly in Germany) where they have to know some of the languages) There are so many thoughts of regret and betrayal that are streaming through my awareness even when I sit still and close my eyes, I am having spasms and contriving my muscles around my faces even when I sit still to contemplate for just 10 minutes and I am shaking my legs from the anxiety but it calms down after the end of the session. I am having resistance reimmersing myself in Leo's content because I have lost the faith in myself that I am able to apply it in order to save myself and my life from these feelings and impulses that are threatening to lead me to death, dying, and self-annihilation and feel the loss of faith of is still applicable in going through and surviving in society. When I am writing this I realize the total lack of my own self-awareness to the response of others to this - I have stopped caring truly about how it will impact other people - I am consumed with my own negative thoughts and anxieties about my own future. The excuses in find are caring about my father's approval and love, my deeply imagined connection with him when he raised me as a child and after my mother passed away and the role and mission I have which I feel failed miserably is to be a sort of calm and collected, mentally strong and introverted person for him while - like a replacement of my mother's character for him I imagined - for him to keep moving forward in life and to see my mother's dream fulfilled of me growing up into a strong and independent figure as she imagined herself to be and certainly had to prove for it in her life achievements and stories that people told about her character and personality. I try to think that I writing this for you guys who kindly and put the effort to respond to me and give me advice two months ago and a month ago in this thread when the patterns of this procrastinated existential crisis came to the fold triggered by the realization of my grandfather's passing and the need that I can't hide just under the responsibility of being a student but also grown adult and earning a living for myself. All the resistance, all the mental and emotional labor and hardships, all the distractions, and all the excuses revolve around refusing to be independent and to take responsibility for my own decisions and their consequences, letting go that I have to always be at the disposal of my father, letting go of the past and the idea of being lesser in life than my grandfather and mother in terms of character and life-achievements and also my father to an extent. I am still feeling that it's my father partial fault in raising me where I had to consistently when he was not caring or empathizing with another be the devil's advocate in that situation and be emotional and empathizing with one and when I failed at this (even though this I reconstructed it in my thoughts and the head is the seeds of me not taking responsibility for myself and forcing myself to become independent for failing to earn state-financed studying and retreating into video games and pornography in 2018. away from the social reality and my peers in that year and as a result becoming severely depressed and isolated (feelings which I later forgot about and repressed) willingly admitting myself into a psychiatric clinic for adolescents to get a psychiatrists approval of being able to re-start the year on state finance again - this money trap - that would provide a sense of security for me and my father who just recently got a job as a private teacher of English and German in a private school. The motive behind me writing this is so that I can express somewhere the things inside me that I thought about and felt often about my current life situation and that ate me away inside and that led me to this state of severe lack of love and care about others and the effort to reach out to them and help them that afflicts me now. And the hope if someone has the time and effort to go through this and have a conversation with me so I can peel layer after layer of this of and express my emotions and thoughts more clearly and articulately through writing - which I deeply regret not doing each time a million thoughts, images, and bad feelings connected with them rushed through my head - so I can better understand their source and their cause and return to it once they reappear. My deep underlying emotional and thought attachment I had over the past couple of months the idea of me fighting for myself, resisting my father's demands and caprices, and arguing against him and them in order to focus on me and striving to become independent of him equalling casting my father away and a sense of attachment and dependence I had with him ever since I was a kid - a sense that I have a strong bond with him, especially after my mother passed away, that I can't just severe away through force. And this I feel is one of the factors, the unwillingness to stand up for myself and strive to become an independent self-reliant and self-motivated, and directed individual of him as I emotionally felt that It meant letting go of my father and care about his state and feelings - even though he is now a very negative, toxic and self-oriented person a lot of the time - and he has been in this state of giving up on fighting for himself and for living an independent life as an adult and taking care of himself and his health ever since my mother passed away - and the period when he didn't work and when we lived on only my deceased mother's pension - which I now by constantly having a need to return to the past and what I lost and missed opportunities in it and chances that I would imagine would radically influence the development of my habits and character. P.S. I wrote all this when I was in a very bad emotional and mental state two days ago, but for the reason of being fearful of posting it in this unfinished form that night when I wrote it, I procrastinated on it and left this text unposted out of the feeling that I am writing gibberish to myself and not asking for a coherent response and answers with advice and some principles from people in order to really re-read them and try to start applying them in my life in order make myself feel better and start fixing my unhealthy state of mind and emotion with the motive of getting all these thoughts and feelings that I felt at that time out of me, in order to also feel that I have very slightly reintegrated into this site's community and teachings and lessons after a long time of being inactive and procrastinating of coming back out of the guilt that I have betrayed people who wanted to help me and remind of me the principles, although I had episodes of these thoughts and feelings occurring when I am alone at night. So in the following post on this thread, I will try to outline and describe so it can be clearly understood after a period of contemplation and self-reflection on myself, my state of mind and emotion the following: 1. My current life and lifestyle main sins and problems. I emphasize the word sin here - because I had feelings and thoughts when contemplating on my self, my current life situation, my relationships with people who are related to me and close in the sense of family (especially my aunt from my deceased mother's side and her little daughter (though not so little now as she turned 12 last year) or my little cousin (though the closeness demand implied from the start was that I would be like her actual older brother - which I thoroughly often think and feel that I have miserably failed one by not seeing here or calling her more often when I had objectively plenty of free time to ask how she was doing and what she was doing for the last almost 3 - 4 years in retrospect) ,and my responses and behavior to the environment and people around me that I need to urgently start redeeming myself if I want to save myself (my biological life in the literal sense of wanting and having the will to live), my humanity, compassion towards myself and others, my rationality and mental health in order to be functional in society and have the ability to properly work and perform tasks in the employment field in order to be able to earn a living for myself and eventually learn to be slightly independent and self-reliant on my life in contrast with my current lifestyle and family dependence and finally my sanity and satisfaction with myself and my life. 2. An apt description of my current state of mind and feelings - though I should probably move all these points in a journal. 3. Being grateful for being born as I am and who I am and thinking of how to express that gratefulness and pay it back to people who made it possible and the person who wanted me to be born and alive in my conception and in the first place (First and foremost my deceased mother towards who I now often feel numbing guilt I have betrayed in terms of the life and achievements that I would accomplish at this point in my ad and what she wanted for me and in turns of finding a way to make her, her personality and life achievements are known to other people and living a blog and trace of her appearance and biography somewhere online - because I thoroughly often think and feel guilty of and guilt about that she deserved it from my father and me in terms of what she did for us, our lives and what kind of life that we now live she made possible for us), my grandmother (who I have at crucial times hurt, betrayed promises towards and mistreated in the past three months after my grandfather passed away) even though she didn't deserve it all and she is always ready to help me and take care of me and is las she said openly to myself what is driving her to live is the desire and wish too see me become mature and become independent and my own 'man' and to see me happy about myself and my life because that, as I have seen and felt, makes her happy. 4.Underpinning and explaining the recurring feeling I have of why I have the feeling I don't deserve anything or a lot of the things I have now in my life (including the people close to me, friends, material status, and source of revenue, etc.) which is causing the effect of me having a numbing depressive feeling and a deep sense of alienation from my former self and to others close to me. Note: I will finish this text after I go out to see a friend tonight here and will temporarily post it now in this unedited form and will edit it later.

Now tripping is rather shift in an energetical state, I do not experience very significant change in activity of the ego. When I tripped for the first time there was a very clear cut between being enlightened or not. During past two years I shifted from thinking to observing my energetical state. My decisions are better because I am addressing my needs directly. I also had my dark night of the stuff a couple years ago. I was thinking a lot about death and suicide. I felt like a failure and I sort of accepted this situation. This took off pressure from me. If you don't care about your life you can do whatever you want! I consider myself unenlightened mostly because of energetical impurity. My mind isn't getting triggered easily (ideology etc.) but there are MANY MANY MANY small annoyances. If there is any way to determine enlightenment, it would be ability to sustain observation without interruption. When you just observe you are awakened. I think that it also fit well to Turquoise or unitive stage. Everything is illusionary, there is nothing to get, there is no way to be shamed. Now decision are based on existential needs not complicated thought constructs. Love live is also better because that person is you, so you can always reach them inside of you.

Jesus.. just watched the interview, I don't know how someone doesn't go crazy or commit suicide after going through stuff like that. Puts a lot into perspective tho

"The lengths we go to not think for ourselves are quite extraordinary." - Don’t know This trip had been long overdue. Been microdosing LSD for a while (biweekly mostly) and really enjoying the effects. Wanted to trip again ever since I got that batch but couldn’t. Plus I’m just paranoid when it comes to putting such substances into my body if I don’t know 110% their purity. It came so far that I measured 40 µg (I dissolved the tabs in 50/50 vodka and distilled water) and drank it before measuring the other 60 µg. When I started tripping full on there was a one handed clap of recognition for finally showing some faith. Vodka still tastes horrible though. Why do I need faith? Why do I need to leap before the net can appear? Because without Faith there could not be Grace. And without the duality of the two there could not be “life”. The bigger the leap, the bigger the reward. Though “reward” isn’t the right word, just couldn’t find a better one. Life doesn’t ask for anything. Nothing is hidden or was ever hidden. Though to come home fully there can’t be a body, a mind or a life to come back to. The ultimate leap of Life is death. Suicide. No, I don’t plan on ending my life in the slightest. Just reporting, it’s a trip report after all. Trip got deeper. In the waiting room. Broke through. Don’t like that phrase. Overused it myself lol. Was in this DMT-like dimension. Then in another one. All intertwined and shifting into each other. Intense. Shifted back into 4D then 3D then back to the Godhead. But no big Aha. More of a deep understanding. More Love. Okay. Wait, there was something valuable: Been almost anthropomorphizing substances. Mushrooms are like Lord of the Rings, LSD is more like Star Wars and DMT is the unethical love child of both of them… Doesn’t matter. All goes out the window. Burn it on the same pile as your maps and models. Same place. Know a bit more about creativity as well: All this analyzing and mopping ideas together of other people is whack. True inspiration is taken from Source directly. Though I "knew" that for a while as well. Even blabbed around about it to my friends. But was never really shown it until today. Always been inspired by Van Gogh. Had this instance in the trip where I merged into his consciousness. Couldn’t stay long though. Dude was crazy. Still inspiring. A lot, indeed. Trip showed me the pure magnitude of the creativity possible. With a flick of the imaginary finger, there are hundreds of perfect inspirations. Just need to stay tapped in. No, not the right phrase. Maybe alignment. No, not direct enough. Being. That's the one I've been looking for. Another practical thing I learned was about how I should be eating. Won’t share though. Don’t want to start a war. --- Trip was surprisingly sexual in many unsuspected ways as well. Spring time after all. One last thing about Truth though. Truth always had this kinda harsh, unforgiving vibe to it for me. Only going for that is not enough. Truth is held within Love. Cause who else could bear it? --- Life has an art to it. Tripping has an art to it as well. That wasn’t my best work by far but it felt good to get back in. Felt poetic, might delete later

Hello it's my first time to post here, felt like I need to know if I'm okay or ..not but when I saw y'all talking about imagining these scenarios I felt a little less worried actually. I too imagine fake scenarios in my head but unlike you guys , I don't imagine myself as a superior character or anything cool but a background character you can say. I'm a female and the whole scenarios made up in my head which I can't help imagining it everyday is not even the same gender as me or even relating to my actual life, and it even got worse like I now have 4 versions of the male character I make fake scenarios of, but somehow I make myself a background character like I'm as a sister of his, the not so important person.. and I rarely think of myself (the sister) or put myself in the scene with him (the male) It's like I don't exist sometimes even in my imagination, instead of creating a better version of me like what you guys do, I just don't think of myself at all, I only think about how cool that guy is. I do cry when imagining him suffering (which is what i imagine daily means I cry daily for no real reason) , and feel happy when he's happy (which is rarely imagined by me) it first began when I was at grade 9 when my strict parents were threatening me , physically, verbally abusing me and stressing me out about that if i didn't get good grades I'd be the only failure in the family and that I'll let them down and make them look like shit , I remember my dad telling me "look at your cousins and how smart they are and how good their grades are, you'll embarass me and your mom infront of the whole family", "you're a disgrace" they also broke my phone. I studied hard and I was so stressed that I used to revise what I've studied in my sleep paralysis (which happend to me everynight) it was hell for me all the stress and anxiety I had back then oh god , i even thought of commiting suicide before they see my grades, but I didn't do it. I was alone in all this not to mention getting bullied by students , teachers , been sexually harassed when i was little, seeing my dad abusing my mom when i was 6 , and she abused me when he did to her, and not having any close friends I think all that what made me feel like I'm nothing, not important not needed, So Thats when I created my imaginary brother (the male character) who used to care for me and protect me , but years later he became the main character in my scenarios, now then I'm not even mentioned in my imagination.