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I am not interested in the current way that society treats mental health because it is more focused on monetizing the treatment of patients rather than working at the root, and finding a cure. I have had too many individual experiences with- as well as friends and family members suffering from -addiction, depression, suicide, anxiety, to believe that the current health care system in America cares about our health. The individuals on the ground floor are often great people. But you stick a diamond in a shitter and it is still going into the sewer.

Seek professional help immediately. Therapy, psychiatrist, hotlines. Please get help. New age, enlightenment, meditation are not the answer. Please get professional, licensed, scientific help. You are suicidal. Please get professional help first. It is obvious: if that person seems strange to you or if sitting for 4 hours is not your things, then don't do it. Enlightenment is not what you think it is. Write that word on a piece of paper and burn it. Get professional help please. Do it right now. Suicide hotlines: https://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines

@purerogue This is very dangerous advice to someone who is suicidal. The first step is to get help from a professional who is licensed and has dealt with other patients in a professional setting. He needs 1on1 help to save his life, not some bogus advice on a forum. @Svartsaft Please get professional help. Please consider to stop looking for answers on this forum. You won't find the help you need here. Here is a list of international suicide hotlines: https://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines

Can someone tell me why this killing of General Solaimani and the other high ranking Iranian military men will not result in acts of terror on US soil? During upcoming political rallies, why won't there be suicide bombings that kill hundreds of US citizens? And how long will it be before US-built drones flown from within the country, disguised as media cameras, selectively shoot down American politicians? I don't understand the strategy of Trump's administration. Is he the puppet of multinationals? What are the names of the people telling him what to do? Or is he the toddler that so many of us take him for that mistakes the United States for his personal dick extension? The heads of states of the other super powers, their advisors and their minion countries' politicians have been at this chess game for a very long time. Who out there is wringing their hands with glee? The road from Orange to Green for the US and Europe is long and arduous.

No, I'm saying that I was ready to throw everything out, I was miserable, but I changed, my mind changed and it saw that the problem was in me. I entered spirituality from self-actualization, it's a natural progression, but I started with self-actualization because my life was not working for me, I had myself stuck in a very, very long depression and my self-esteem was completely shattered. A lot of us are not so different, at all, we're at different stages of our developmental growth. I know that it doesn't make sense that's because you need to have that insight first. How do you "tell" someone what they're lacking, in such a way that they get that insight. You can't The only thing you can do is to show that there is light on the other end of that tunnel, but it's not easy to get there, it will take a lot of work. But it is worth it. Just remember that you have to throw everything you think you know and hold true out the door in order to allow yourself to see anew. A lot of people end up "here" due to crisis. I had multiple. Personal/relationship crumbling, work was killing me and then my niece committed suicide. There was not one single point at which I suddenly realized that my way of being no longer worked for me. It was over a period of a couple of years, where these event unfolded in sequence. Consider this, if you are looking for something, what is it inside you that resist taking in what may be your own salvation? The kick in the nuts is that it's all deceptively simple... in retrospect.

is it about this? https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-50478821 let`s stay aware that the business with talking suicide is maybe suicidal. we can talk a lot about why people are magnets for other people - one aspect is probably the will to flee self-inquiry or some shadows of what life created as reality for oneself. spirituality as a business concept is of course a self deception, if the bubble never bursts. of course if anything is too smooth and edgeless i`d always wonder. teal swan is much too purple and that without her feet in the mud... if our head sticks too much in the clouds, how can we see where we walk - falling sometimes might seem like flying. it´s the fools card. being foolish with topics like suicide is not tarot it`s poker.

Crushing your ego is not dangerous. Al least this doesnt encourage to suicide like Teal (the witch) Swan does.

@Alex bAlex 1) Listen 2) Name it (I think you may need to talk to someone/you may need some support ) 3) Have some suicide prevention / support numbers in your taxi to give out 4) If they are actively talking about suicide and methods go to nearest place of safety e. g hospital or police station 5) Remember the smallest thing can make the biggest difference. Get some training yourself so you feel more equipped to help, particularly around mental health difficulties and support.

I've lost a number of friends to suicide so I may take it too seriously at times... or from the PD "everything is eternal" sense, possibly not think of death as an end... which is also not helpful. I've tried talking to suicidal peeps on this forum... its always a risk, if you say the "wrong" thing and they die, the guilt could devour your heart... when I have been at my lowest a few times, I wasn't able to see the things that almost always keep me from depression (like the magic way sunlight reflects off leaves)... I think bringing them into the present helps (not past abuse or future worries), I think gratitude helps, and I think shifting paradigms helps... other than that I dont know...

Well look... I can't save humanity's suffering. I don't think there would be a nazi death camp if and when the world gravitates towards self-healing and trauma prevention/healing, You are talking about something which happened almost 100 years ago before humanity reached a huge growth spurt (which, by the way, the growth spurt was catalyzed by WW2) Yes, there are still a few horrible countries left like North Korea, but they will never be allowed to do something like the Nazis did. The age of that is over for sure. As far as suicide goes, actually I won't share my opinion on that because it will be unpopular. No, I don't. But in my hypothetical world, how many addicts would there be when we are taught trauma therapy from an early age? You are basing your reply off a world in which we don't do that, so we don't really know the answer here. wisdom? perhaps they don't embody that wisdom, or think they are above it. I don't know a lot about gurus , but meditation is a way to calm the mind, it does not inherently make you a good person. Sounds like those gurus are just assholes.

Even if this suffering leads to people tormenting others, for example, nazi death camps? Even if this suffering leads to some people commiting suicide? Even if the person who is suffering argues against what you just said? Good words, but I think in practice its impossible to achieve. Trauma therapy and self redemption are nice to hear, but do you know the statistics on how many addicts relapse, even 1-2 years after treatment? How many people fuck up even with all the wisdom in the world on their side? All the gurus who meditated for decades now seem to come out and commit horrible acts of depravity. Sometimes perspective is delusion.

the jarring gravity of Real Life®. I'm spent. In the beginning, I was so excited for self-actualization and spiritual awakening. I thought it would be like a walk in the park because of how passionate and disciplined I am. Just do some new habits over and over and wham-o, a new shiny self that has a private jet and meditates like a boss and is loved by millions of people for doing some super creative work that helps raise the collective consciousness. It's funny how the mind projects my self-actualized self, thinking it has a say in how things will turn out. That projection's getting squashed, day by day, by the jarring gravity of Real Life®. Nonono, in order to create, you need to spend more than half of your day doing other things you're less passionate about in order to have food, shelter, and running water. Nonono, in order to have a soul mate, you have to realize that they're a person too, with needs and desires of their own, and you need to actually listen to their perspective, take it to heart, and think about their well-being, too. Nonono, in order to have a friend, you need to be a friend. Nonono, you don't make it out of this self-actualization journey alive. You are not the one who enjoys the spoils of the inner work. You are transformed from the inner work. You will not recognize yourself in the mirror after doing this work long enough. Nonono, life is not separate from this work. The events of Real Life® coax you to do the work, day after day, and you can either go with it or resist the whole process. Oh, and you can't really control whether you go with it or whether you resist it, because that's a part of the process, too. And by the way - everyone is on this journey, not just the people who are aware of it. I guess I'm one of the stubborn personalities that resists this awakening process to no end. It's so funny how I thought I was on board with all of this stuff. It's like I signed a contract before I even knew what it truly entailed. Maybe that's the point though. Maybe that whole "soul contract" idea is a real thing, and the reason we sign up to live this Life thing is in order to go through this process of resistance and surrender, resistance and surrender - because it's by living this process that we can actually truly embody the qualities that inspire us, like humility and respect and love and compassion - the qualities of a unified consciousness - and truly understand what it means to be One. And no matter how many times some guru says "let go" or "stop searching" or "tat tvam asi," that doesn't grant us a get-out-of-life's-pain pass. This reality sucks to the person writing this right now. But then again, it doesn't, when I look back on all that I've been through, and how it's shaped me into the psychologically pre-pubescent kid I am today. I mean, sure, I ought to win an award for "Most Triggers in A Single Week" or "Most Melodrama for Part Time Work." But damn...what I was before all of this, before my friend's suicide... I don't even know what that was. So it's the end of the year, and I'm spent. All this Life stuff has squeezed the resistance out of me, and I'm just plain tired. Time to reflect on the decade, my intentions, and plan a new chapter. I hope everyone's holiday season has been delightful, and I wish you all health, well-being, and peace on your journeys. <3

85 min meditation at work today. I was on suicide watch, looking after a suicidal patient who was sleeping, so I got 85 sweet minutes of meditation in an otherwise very hectic shift. Got immediately very deep into concentration, and it was a very beautiful and stable state for the whole sit. Yesterday I missed out on my meditation, and today I almost did hadn’t it been for this opportunity at my job. It is typical that when my meditation starts to get very good that I no longer see / feel the point of doing it because my mind is in daily life very stable and equanimous at that point, but I just got to continue because now my meditation is only getting deeper and perhaps I will be able to master these concentration states at some point if I continue like this.

Your action could have a small statistical impact on this. If you hit like. She could be looking you up, seeing how you had your profile on private and then just copied it. Like people who see suicide in TV will copy it and kill themselves as well. (see https://www.jaacap.org/article/S0890-8567(19)30288-6/fulltext) If you want her to make her profile public again Id suggest you make yours public. Could work!

"Now, this is the real question: Is the game worth the candle? If you think “No,” then you’d better commit suicide. That’s the logical thing to do. If—on the other hand—you’re not sure, then you’d better make up your mind. Because if you’re going to go on with the game of life and not be sure as to whether it’s really worth going on, you’ll make a mess of it. That’s quite certain. It’s like doing something evil, like telling a lie. If you’re going to tell a lie at all, you have to make it stick, and so, make it good. Don’t wobble when you lie, because someone will find you out and it’ll all fall apart, and it’ll be worse than if you never did it. So if you make up your mind that you’re going to do something evil, you have to have—like a golf swing—follow-through. And so, in the same way, with going on living at all: if you’re going to gamble, gamble!." - Alan Watts

Yes,...reasoned argument with First-tier thinkers is usually difficult,...however, discussion with First-tier thinkers who believe they are Second-tier is futile. About V Panetta: Not interested in personal truths, Me Stories, nor empirical beliefs,... "Man's present civilization is erected upon the foundation of empirical knowledge obtained through his senses. In other words, the so-called "knowledge" upon which man relies is founded upon the evidence of his senses, or more simply, upon the nonexistent waves of motion of a nonexistent substance." Walter Russell. LfcCharlie4,...I can understand that you're fixated on particular paradigms, and have difficulty with "endless people quote,"...a comment that's a sure tell of your level of Conscious Awareness,...however, maintaining FMS (false memory syndrome) regarding what I write, such as that "you referred to books as your main source of info," is imaginary on your part. Actually, my posts have said that I seldom read books,...and don't recall reading one this century,...although I've written three. Usually notice quotes following direct experience,...I actually don't think much. What's going on here seems to be what is called projection,...you have yet to experience Unfeigned Surrender, and instead are suggesting I haven't because of my use of quotes,...which makes it obvious that you have yet to Let Go. I'll tell you about my first Letting Go,...the beginning part (not what occurred for the 9-10 hours afterwards),...it was December 1974,...without any hope or expectation, over the period of a week, I gave away or threw away all my possessions, which included $thousands worth of camera and stereo equipment,...wrote thank you notes,...and an end of life (or suicide) note,...and without Gods, things divine, or imaginary guardians for protection,....Let Go. No jumping into fire, nor an abyss,...no visuals are included in real Letting Go. más allá del Finisterre,...(Beyond the End of the Known World). It's a shame that you appear to have not read even one of my posts,...but instead entered them with a predisposition about responding through your book knowledge which you cling to for your identity, but hide by way of imagined stories of what letting go is. Experience born of belief can only be experience through the conditions of that belief,...thus not a Direct Experience. All belief must be Let Go to have a direct experience, even the desire for a direct experience. Any expectation tethers you to the past.

@DrewNows Thanks for asking! Alright so I was this Stage Orange type grad student who was all about climbing the university hierarchy, doing hard-nosed research and working all the time. I achieved everything that I wanted to achieve. Once that happened, I started to feel very lonely and I discovered a lot of unmet emotional needs. It's just then that I started stumbling upon the New Age, people like Infinite Waters, Teal Swan (I think she's very very evolved though), etc. I really started to tap into my emotions. What I discovered was that I was depressed and on the brink of suicide! Had I not tapped into my emotions, I'd have been in real danger of self-harm. So my emotional healing took a front seat to my career and related decisions. From the outside it looks like a healing crisis, i.e. I'm not doing anything atm and I had to move back with my mom. Right now I'm living with her and I'm doing my best to find my life purpose. Leo's course is helping me though! I discovered a lot of unconscious patterns, a whole new realm of emotional consciousness and it's been an epic roller-coaster ride!

I used to be severely depressed for a while in my life, though it was a situational depression and has now come to pass. I write this from my personal experience, of what went on in my head and how I came to fix it. It is no easy means and the whole process of being depressed to being completely free from it, was around 9 years. So please be patient. For me, I felt really trapped in life. What I mean by this is my thoughts and emotions were in constant contradiction. Good feelings would contradict each other and result in guilt or any other negative feelings. The reason for this was - my constant need to be everything to everyone without hurting anyone including myself. But if that wasn't possible, at least, I shouldn't hurt others, even at the cost of me being hurt. Then by contradicting this thought, I would immediately fall into resentments towards others and myself for causing this hurt to myself. And then I would do something nice for others to make myself feel better for a while and then repeat the whole process endlessly. Why did I do this? - Codependency and low self esteem. I viewed myself through other people's eyes, and I assumed what they saw of me wasn't that good. And I wanted to change it so badly. So instead of trying and sorting these contradictions, I used to get swayed by them and think there was something wrong with me because of this. That often lead me to spend days planning ways to commit suicide. But deep down, I just wanted these contradictions to end, not my life. Luckily for me, the situation that was the primary cause of this, changed and I got slightly better. The final straw was actually accidental. I came to realize that all my thoughts, are borrowed thoughts from my parents, teachers, friends, etc. It was just a trivial revelation I had suddenly when I noticed the voice in my head was speaking to me in the exact same tone and wording that my mom talked to me. So there it was as real as the sun in the sky- that I had no original thoughts of my own. They are all borrowed, including all the contradictions I used to have. Once I realized this, I thought, since all the thoughts are borrowed, I must borrow better thoughts from better sources. So I started reading books that uplifted me. And every morning before I talked to another human, I would read a few pages from a book. Over a period of time, I noticed that my mother's voice in my head was gradually replaced by the voices in the book. So that is one thing. Another is I read in one of the books, about this exercise called 'Morning Pages' by Julia Cameron. The exercise is to just wake up and start writing 3 pages of whatever comes to your mind. As it is. No judgement. No good or bad. And not show it to anyone. So if I'm suicidal and thinking of killing myself, I write down - "I feel suicidal and am thinking of killing myself". If I think Keanu Reeves should marry me, I write down 'I think Keanu Reeves should marry me." If I think about how bad my headache is, I write that down. There are no rules to it, you just copy down thoughts that occur in your head out onto the paper. And then without reading or ruminating on it, throw away the paper or burn it. This is useful because it brings our thoughts to our awareness when we write them down and also empties them from our mind. It took me about 2 months of doing this everyday until I started noticing the difference in how I feel. I still do this everyday, it has been over 2.5 years. I'm not sure how you could make your girlfriend do any of this, probably you could suggest it, not as an exercise to ward of depression, but just something you both do together. Pick out a couple of books - personal development ones, and read together and do the morning pages together. Just let her know you won't judge her for whatever she reads or writes. Hope this helps.

I haven't experienced any horrible side effects from psychedelic use either... but I have had several friends that committed suicide after years of use/abuse. I don't know of anyone who, after years of meditation or Kundalini Awakening. I'm sure a lot of it could be chalked up to family history of mental illness.. Only the mind creates good/bad should/shouldn't's Nothing really matters...the separation never occurred... it is what it is. Enlightenment is realizing THIS is all there is was or ever will be. It's the beginning, the end and everything in-between it's the Absolute ❤ It's as real and dreamlike as anything could be ...it's simply THIS!! Unknowing ?

It's true in a lot of cases with the popular masters but when you look at someone like Paul Hedderman he was not spiritually gifted, he did every drug under the sun and came to a realisation during the depths of despair. Similar with Eckart he was just about to commit suicide from depression and came to a realisation, so in these instances extreme mental anguish made them see clearly but previously no spiritual gifts necessarily. So I don't think it's a fact that seem people just get it from birth and everyone else has to crawl with meditation or take psychedelics, I think if you can really see the futility of your efforts to become enlightened and essentially realise what you are you will get there, it's just maybe pain needs to be the fuel to get you there.

Hey forum, I have something going on in my life that I literally have no idea how to handle. Basically my girlfriend that I love dearly is severely depressed and is even suicidal. She has faced waves of depression on and off her whole life, has been on Zoloft when she was in 8th grade, and then attempted killing herself when she came off them but her attempt didn't work, so she has a long history with her depression. This past week she has been telling me that this is the worst it's been in years, that she wrote suicide letters to her family, and stopped and broke down when she came to write my letter. She also is constantly sleeping, and barely eating. When she tells me these things I get emotional and just tell her I'm there for her, and that its all going to be okay. I have a pressure on me because I know I am really the only one there for her, but I don't know what else to do - I feel hopeless and trapped. My question is what would you do in this situation? She has said she doesn't want help from a professional, and to not tell anybody so they don't worry, but should they? Is this a cry for help or is it a bad idea to do something she clearly has told me to not do? Any advice is appreciated, thanks!

How is this possible to be on the edge of suicide and even imagining oneself jumping off the highest building with all the sensations and smile on the face... ...just to find out a moment later how fascinating all this life game is. Little signs create some sort of feeling and curiosity about what all this is and where it leads. There is a few numbers that come and go all the time since I realized they show up from time to time. But couple of numbers that are repeating consistently since half a year are 33 and 67.Everywhere. Why? Don't know. I just turned 33 by the way. 67 been with me all the time though. Once I realized that reality is connected with my mind I even tried to do "reality checks". Once I was driving home and I thought, ok, let's see if I think about some number and it will be on the next car licence plate. So I thought 67. There were 2 cars coming from opposite direction. First has got 66 and the next one 68. I have found instagram of the girl I have mentioned above.

I'm trying to think what I can do next. The phonecall was from her. It got me nervous and frightened. It's difficult to deal with the building stress. I need to think organically and otherwise. Part of me wants to live in a dream world. Part of me understands reality. One thing that my boyfriend told me is this "We can't change people" "even our family" I felt like I could take things less seriously. Is my casual trust a problem. I have begun to realize that I need to see people as objects and not people anymore. There's no point in getting hurt and offended or depressed. It's like pack up and move on We not only need spirituality to deal with the bullshit of life but we also need psychological tools and resources. My boyfriend Andrew is helping me so much. Although he is sometimes silly, he says certain things that make profound sense to me. He understands what's going on with me. I like that. I have supported him during times when he was upset. We have both been for each other. I have cried on his shoulder sometimes. Why do I feel so uncertain. What's haunting me? I need to do a lot of shadow work to figure out what's eating me inside. After an argument with her, I felt upset and suicidal. I called Andrew and he said everything will be alright. I still wasn't feeling settled. But certain things he said are making sense. That I shouldn't care. I should focus on building my life instead of getting emotional. I feel so bad that I can't even feel emotional in this world anymore. There's no source of love. I know Andrew cares. He cares a lot. But it's not enough. Because after all he is an outsider. He is not family. There is a difference in the way he cares and in the way a close family member cares With him, it's always what if we break up. What if what if. But family is always by your side no matter what. It's not like I don't trust Andrew. But I have known that relationships can be fickle from my past experiences I don't want to invest too much trust. Life is so hard. Everything is like borrowed time. If you fuck up, you fuck up forever. There is no room for error. Everything is held against you. I'm sick and tired of a judgemental world that lacks in care and affection. If you call in sick for a day, they tell you that you will be fired. Sometimes we wonder why are we so hard on each other. Why can't there be more empathy and understanding. Why can't we have God. Through whatever I'm experiencing in life, I'm turning more and more towards MGTOW, the general MGTOW more like man(human) going their own way not giving fucks about the world anymore. Just like men say that they don't trust women and that women don't care about them, I feel like saying the same about entire humanity. It's like nobody gives a fuck about others anymore. I have helped many people financially in my life. I always valued their wellbeing over everything else. But when it was my turn to seek help, they all turned their backs on me. It's brutal. How can people be so cruel. These are the same people I helped once without any care or concern without judgement or guilt. How can they not do the same. It's terrible. I don't want to love anyone. Because it feels like there is a dark underbelly to everything and a narrow safety margin And it feels like if you cross this margin, you could easily lapse into that dark side of things where things can quickly take a downturn and you end up suiciding I have toyed with the idea of suicide not once but maybe 15 different times by now. as time goes by I always open up more and more. It's difficult in the beginning to exactly identify what my emotion is. On the outside I'm just pretending to laugh because there is no option but to smile at people, but on the inside I have so many burning questions for which there are no answers. I'm baffled by how narrow people are around me. How can they not feel empathy for others the way I feel. I remember talking to my ex and he was brutal and judgmental. He would make me feel worse. It was so cruel. This is the same guy I helped on numerous occasions. But his responses to me would always be cold and heartless. Then he would turn around and say some joke like he is mocking me.. People close to me have hurt me so much in the past few months. It really got to a point where I felt like suicide was the only option because I didn't want to feel abandoned and alone. It's hard for me to reconcile the fact that people can't care or love each other. That makes me feel like wanting family is wrong. I feel like I don't want to be a mom. I feel like I don't want marriage. I don't want to be a mom. I don't want kids. Because I don't know how to trust. I have seen so much dysfunction growing up and so much betrayal and selfishness that I don't want to trust anymore. I remember when I was 15 I was living with a woman for 6 months. Her husband had passed away. Her one son had died in an accident. Her other son had moved out with his wife and kids into a wonderful apartment. And he had all the money in the world and yet he wouldn't pay her a dime. She was living on a small monthly pension but it wasn't enough for her needs. So she just ate once a day. I felt sorry for her. I helped her as much as I could. She loved my hospitality. But there was only so much I could do. It struck me hard. The realities of life. Her own son didn't give 2 shits about her and she was going blind and rotting away. I felt like family meant nothing. She told me how she had worked so hard to raise 2 kids when her husband had died young. I felt horrible. This is a woman who gave all her life to her children. Yet her own son didn't want to look after her or even visit her. Early on such examples throughout my childhood shaped my understanding of human relationships I tried to be positive but every time I showed trust I was betrayed. I was betrayed by many of my exes. I was betrayed by friends. I felt betrayed by my own mom. How do I reconcile this with my worldview. How can you have a rosy picture of the world after having witnessed all the harsh realities. I hate when people say they love their kids dearly. Because it feels like a farce. If you love your kids so much then why can't you extend the same love to others. By logic, if you are a loving person, you should show love to everyone. How can you only love something that belongs exclusively to you. Why can't you extend the same love to your parents and family which you have for your child. The woman was being neglected by her own son. But obviously the son took great care of his own kids. How strange is this all. What makes him love his kids but not his own mother. I have never been able to grasp that I kinda feel like there is a flawed perception of the world that we would like to believe. And we live in this perception. This naive trust that we have in humanity. This baseless trust It sucks because it's all a facade. I feel like MGTOW is the real way.

raspberry jam. Howdy guys. It's been awhile! Here's a little update. I'd like to delve into more nuanced topics at some point and work on my writing chops, but this is all I've got at the moment... Honestly, too much has happened over the past month or so. It feels like I'm a mason jar, and Life just fuckin' packed me full of jam till I'm overflowing with raspberry decadence. No doubt, raspberry tastes delicious - but too much raspberry can make you go a little crazy. Here's a sampler of that raspberry jam... I recorded an album with the help of a professional producer and musicians. It turned into a cross-pollinating, multi-genre epic centered around grief, childhood trauma, opening the heart, and self-actualization. And during the recording process, I turned into a frenetic, disorganized, stressed-out mess. I'm still kind of a mess. A good mess, though. I heavily underestimated all of the tasks that go into releasing an album. The marketing/social media side is literally half the battle...a battle I really prefer not to fight. But it's important, so I'm doing it anyway. I think the social media stuff is stretching me more than the album creation, because it's triggering a lot of jealousy, shame, and abandonment issues in me that are ready to be processed. I'm getting my own place. Finally. Living in community was perfect for where I was, and so was living with the parents...but I feel ready to have my own place. Wish granted from the Universe, because a friend referred me to a landlord who has a place that has my name written all over it. The next task, and my most challenging one, is to... Find a day job. I've been avoiding this reality for a long time: In order to support myself and my art, I need side income. The day job has been a huge trigger for me. Ever since my friend committed suicide halfway through my college career, I established a subconscious resistance against institutionalized work. I've always disliked being told what to do, but now that dislike is the worst it's ever been. That's why I've avoided day jobs for years. The only one I had that lasted six months at a time was dog walking. Instead, I've done a lot of work exchanges, like the one on the road trip, and the most recent one in the intentional community. I'm ready to face this reality now. I'm ready to truly support myself. I think it will be very empowering for me when I accomplish this goal, because it will cut my ties of financial dependency. Of course, just as important is doing the inner work of claiming energetic sovereignty...which requires more grieving. Speaking of grieving. Lots of that lately. I've been using breathwork to process all of the crazy things that have been happening in my life. And waves and waves of grief are releasing. In order to really grow into the person I want to be, I need to grieve childhood. I need my nervous system to realize that that era is over - that I am an adult as much as a child now. And adults can take care of themselves. Relationship. Yeah, that happened. And it hit hard. Besides family members, I don't think I've never felt so deeply for someone in my life. It's not even intense feelings, just the sincere wish for this person to be happy and well. It's way deeper than the previous relationship. This has truly been medicine for me. We're both into PD, so we do the work together whenever we're triggered. I've flexed my vulnerability muscles, and so has she. Even so, we're taking it slow - and I'm extremely grateful for that. Just so grateful and appreciative in general for this opportunity and this person in my life. Spirituality has taken the back-burner. My experience in the summer with 5-MeO and my recent experience with the golden teacher has shown me that self-transcendence must yield to self-integration. I can't sit in my room and meditate/read for hours anymore. I can't escape being human. I have wounds to heal, emotions to process, and things to do in the world. I'm following my heart now, and my heart says - be human. Have an ego. Be afraid, be vulnerable, get triggered for little things, eat rich food sometimes, don't beat yourself up for missing a day of meditation. The mushrooms also encouraged me to start an exercise routine that brings me joy, in order to ground myself in my body. Almost instinctively, I started running. I've been doing it for a few weeks now in the snow, and I love it! I look forward to seeing my chicken legs turn into tree trunks So how about that raspberry jam... All great stuff, just a lot of it! I've got to remember to lick my lips sometimes. I hope all y'all are doing well. Take care of yourself this holiday season. ?

I'm trying to think how not to operate in survival mode. It's tough I feel depressed every day. Life is hard. I wish I was never born. Today I'm again battling with feelings of suicide and self harm. I had these feelings even when I was 14 even when I was 16 even when I was 18 even when I was 22. I always had it. Life has never been normal. I wish I could get freedom Sometimes I ask myself "why I was born" It's a hard question.