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Please reach out if you're considering suicide. ❤️

Against the wishes of her parents, my mother chose to enter convent school at the age of 14 with the vocation of becoming a Catholic nun. At 21 she left, finding it too difficult. Three years later she had the mischance to cross paths with my father, a psychiatric case as well as being alcholic and violent. His parents on several occasions called the mental asylum to have him taken away in a straight jacket to have electric shock treatment in his 20s. Over the years, he's been diagnosed variably as schizophrenic, psychotic, psychopath,... My mother told me she was afraid of him and thought it was the "will of God" to look after him as her life's mission. She confided in me that he'd blackmailed her into marrying him by threatening her with certain things (eg. breaking all the neighbours' windows, telling her parents she'd slept with him ("untrue"), etc. As a child, I never had a day's peace in my family. I saw my dad physically assault, threaten and mistreat my mother, this mother I loved with such a powerful intense love. I would have died for her, I loved her that much. An example of such a scene would be my father holding a large chip pan of boiling hot oil over my mother's head threatening to throw it over her. The feeling of impotence was unbearable and very traumatic for me. As a child, I was enormously attached to my mother, I had a huge love for her. I felt an intense need to look after her, protect her from harm and keep her safe. When I evoke this love, I cannot help crying. For me, she was the epitome of everything that was pure, good, kind, generous, etc, she was like a God to me. I couldn't understand how ANYONE could ever want to hurt her! The name she gave me was the same name as her best friend in the convent, from the beginning we were so close. My dad hated me and my brother because we were close to her. I did everything in my power as a kid to lessen my mother's burden and bring her joy, I was the good kid, the perfect child, that did well at school, I spoke before my time, read before my time, walked before my time, I did everything I could to please her and make her happy. I felt her pain so deeply. If she suffered, I suffered. I remember often finding her crying in her corner because she didn't know what to do, my heart breaking each time. I could try my best to console and comfort her. Putting my arms around her, I would promise her "I'd look after her when I was bigger", that she "could come and live with me and my family". So, very early on, I adopted the role of "saviour", "perfect child". The love I had for her was so strong I can't even describe it. I was obviously developing an unhealthy co-dependent relationship with her. I can't remember how old I started doing this, but at some point, as far as I can recall and certainly as soon as I was able to, I started putting myself in between my parents, pulling my father off her, when he was physically attacking her in order to protect her as best I could. And as soon as I intervened between them, the violence seemed to stop and the threats dissipate, if my memory serves me well, (at least for that night!). My 4 sisters and brother stopped crying, sobbing and screaming and my mother stopped hysterically yelling "call the police" and everyone went to bed for that night. Sometimes the police came, but my mother was too scared of my father to be able to talk to them. "No, no, I'm fine. Everything's okay". There was a social worker at the time, but she was too frightened of my father, and so nothing was done for our family. The days following these violent scenes, my mother always reproached me for having intervened between her and my father (which annoyed me to hear!) because she was "afraid of me getting hurt". I replied it was nothing, but she insisted I stop intervening between them. I obviously didn't obey, I wanted to protect her so much. As long as my father was attacking her, I'd be there to try and stop it. She didn't understand that for me the pain of passively watching the horror scenes unfold without doing anything was a thousand times worse than anything my father could do to me, and strangely enough, I wasn't afraid of him, even though he hated me. In any case, I loved my mother so much I would have sacrificed my life for her. And if my memories serve me well, I recall the violence stopping with my interventions, for those nights anyway, almost as though my father was relieved that there was somebody actually stepping in to stop it. My father didn't work. He spent his days in bed, tyrannising the household, we walked on eggshells. We'd take him up his meals and he'd throw them on the wall, having seen a hair (imaginary or not) on the plate. He'd get up at the end of the day to go to the pub. My mother had six children. She would probably have had tons more if the local priest (fortunately!) hadn't intervened and threatened to stop speaking to her unless she took some serious contraception. My mother has gone to mass almost every day since leaving the convent, even at 6 o'clock in the morning before starting work. The priest insisted that my mother took the pill. Without the intervention of the priest, I dread to think how many children she would have had ... 15 in 15 years ? 20 in 20 years ? The horror at home continued until the divorce of my parents (I was about 13 years old and hearing that news was one of the happiest days of my life). My mother finally accepted to divorce my father because the Catholic nuns at school threatened her (fortunately!!) with removing her 6 children unless she got a divorce. My eldest sister (fortunately!!) had been crying a bit at school, the nuns seemed privy to what was going on at home. After the divorce, for the next few years of my adolescence there were highs and lows between my mother and I. I felt she was trying to control me and I began being repulsed by certain caracter and personality traits she had that started alienating me from her (her agressiveness (even violence towards me a few times), her way of gossipping and speaking negatively about others (including her own daughters), her hypocrisy, stubborness, insensitivity, irresponsibility, resentfulness, etc. I began losing my illusions about her, idealising and trusting her less. Finding my family toxic and the relationships dysfunctional. (I always found my sisters and brother very selfish), I was finding it more and more depressing being around them. There was never a day of peace in the household, even with my father gone. There were always fights and arguments between my sisters, my brother would hit his 2 younger sisters. My disturbed brother was violent, threatening and unstable, and was taking drugs. He often used to go into the bathroom with his 2 dogs for sexual activities for long stretches at a time, the horrific noises really traumatised me (especially as I love animals so much). One of the things that depress me most in this world is the cruelty towards defenceless animals. I was too terrified of my brother to risk spying through the key hole, he was an angry, pyschopathic individual. (He had already kicked me hard from behind, badly hurting my private parts, picked up and threw his alsation on top of me and put a huge rifle to my head for absolutely nothing, I had been studying for my A'levels quietly on my bed). From the dogs' yelps and prolonged thudding noises against the bath, he seemed to be "getting off" by forcing the male alsatian to copulate with the (much, much smaller) little Jack Russel female. I stayed well clear of this nutcase of a brother, choosing exclusively to humour him in order to remain unharmed by him, but I checked the dogs discretely after their "bathroom episodes" to confirm my worst suspicions and invariably noticed the little female had blood around her vagina. Afraid of him and his anger, violence and moods, I was too terrified to go to the police to report these incidents with the dogs, and when I spoke about it to my mother she didn't reply as though I hadn't spoken. I think she was too afraid of him too. These incidents have remained traumatic memories in my life. I left the family home in Edinburgh at 18 years old to go and pursue my college education in another town far away, and after graduating at 22, decided to leave the country altogether and go and live and work abroad in Europe. Six years later I met my lovely husband. I'm 53 years old now, we've been together for 24 years, still as much in love and happy together, we have an enormous respect for each other and love each other deeply. I feel blessed having him in my life. During my adult years, I often visited my mother but I realised there was less and less of a real relationship between us. Each visit gave me fewer reasons to trust her. I don't think she was making much effort with me now, perhaps because I'd moved so far away, she was probably disappointed with me. A few times, I'd eavesdrop accidently on her telephone conversations with my eldest sister, she'd be running me down, even lying and exaggerating things. I was her guest for the weekend, and yet here she was badmouthing me off to my sibling. I couldn't believe my ears, I never said anything to her, just vowed silently to myself to visit her less and less. I remember thinking (positively) at the time that her doing that would just facilitate me cutting the umbilical cord with her (co-dependent relationship). This treachery of hers was the proof I needed to help me cut myself free from her with less guilt. When my sister didn't want anything to do with me, at least now I understood why! I actually asked her one day why I hadn't been invited to her wedding, she replied "because mammy said you did this, or did that", as if my mother had been taking a perverse pleasure in coquering and dividing us. Over the decades, I've also found my sisters' lives more and more depressing, with their husbands invariably alcoholic, unstable, unfaithful, disloyal, unreliable, violent. ****************************************************** My brother has spent most of his life in and out of prison and addicted to heroin. At one time, when he was in prison my mother moved house which relieved me enormously because it meant my brother wouldn't know of her whereabouts and therefore couldn't bother her any more for money for his heroin. That was the first time she was really free of him. It lasted about 5 or 6 years. One day in 2009, the Probation Officer rang my mother to say that he was leaving prison but had nowhere to go. So my mother accepted him moving in with her. She said the officer knew how to pull on her heart strings. If she refused, her son would be in the streets. She had an anonymous adress that my brother didn't know about, safe from him for the first time in her life, and here he was now moving in with her. I think the shock was too much for her. A few days after he'd moved in, my mother had a massive stroke (she nearly died) which put her in hospital for the next 6 months. She lost everything, she was like a vegetable, she could no longer move, speak, focus, understand, etc The nurse told me the stress of my brother moving in probably triggered the stroke. As an aftermath she is now handicapped, only the left side of her body functions. She can no longer do so many things she loved to do, driving, knitting, etc, let alone the more basic day to day tasks. When she was in hospital, pressure was put on my brother to vacate her premises. Sooner or later, he found himself back in prison. The next decade of his life continues along the same theme, in and out of prison and heroin. In January 2018, leaving prison, my brother asked a pal to do the same thing as the Probation Officer had done in the past, namely call my mother and pull on her heartstrings, lamenting the fact that my brother had no bed to go to. My mother fell for it and acquiesced and before we know it, he's back living with her. Since then he's taking her for everything she's got in order to get his heroin. My mother's now 80, 10 years older than the last time, and is too tired to resist. Judging from her symptoms, I also believe she has Frontotemporal dementia, but nobody is interested in getting her a diagnosis. She's lost the battle with my brother, and is being exploited and abused by him, all the while turning a blind eye, at the cost of falling out with most of her daughters for months on end. I wonder if perversely she is happy he is there to "look after her until she dies", that she won't be alone for the remaining years left to her. She is probably also feeling guilty that it's her "fault he's on drugs, she didn't protect him enough as a kid". He lies to her all the time, says he needs 30 pounds for something, she believes him each time, gives him her credit card, he takes 300 pounds out of the cash machine, then waits till midnight to take another 300 out. He probably tells he "he'll look after her, do her meals, etc". He steals her cheques and her possessions, pawning stuff like her precious tv (invalid that's all she's got in her life), he doesn't give a damn about her. He goes off in taxis just to go to the cash machine or to his dealer. In the space of a few months, he'd already spent 1,700 pounds from her account, probably giving heroin to his mates too, judging by the amount he's spending. He shoots up any old place in her bungalow, even blocking my mother's access to her fridge during the heatwave, so my sister had to nip out and get my mother a cold drink from the local shop. My mother's incontinent and her house now smells badly of urine, I don't think she always has access to her bathroom, my brother being comatose behind the door. He plays music really loud at 3 o'clock in the morning, he invites his criminal friends around. I worry enormously about the health and safety of my mother. She is totally isolated, nobody in the family visits her any more, they're all too afraid of him. He's very threatening and intimidating, my nieces have seen him "out of it" with strange grimaces and they're too freaked out to go back to see my mum. He's completely isolated my mother, he hides her phone, and hangs up when anyone calls her. As well as Class A drugs, he's also smoking and drinking, my mother doesn't have insurance on her house. What if there's a fire? The insurance companies refuse to insure my mother's house because there's a known felon registered at her address. All that is horrific to me, I live far away and feel so impotent to do anything. It's the last thing I would have wished for my mother in the last years of her life. I've said little to my sisters but I'm shocked and disappointed with them. I honestly think they could have done a lot more for my mother and feel they've just abandoned her. They live really close by and yet have not really bothered with her. Since her stroke, she is handicapped, she has lost all her abilities on her right-hand side, she moves around with enormous difficulty, in a wheel chair and has a load of other problems due to her obesity. I really think my sisters are selfish not according her any of their time. They hardly visit her, or bring her meals as they should. This is a mother who would have given her last penny to help someone less fortunate than herself. At one point, I was even offering one of my sisters material objects and books in exchange for her cooking for my mother, negotiating all this at a distance, from another country. I sincerely believe that the reason my brother was able to enter into the situation so easily was because there was a void created for him, a vacuum to step into, because my mother didn't really have anyone else properly looking after her. He quickly sussed that he just need to adopt the role of "carer" and she'd be putty in his hands. The irony is that he can't even take care of himself, let alone his mother. He's even filled in papers to send off to the powers that be, registering himself as her official primary caretaker so that he can get paid by the state for "looking after her". Last September (2018), seeing as my sisters weren't doing anything for my mother, I decided to do my best to help. First at at distance. I contacted EVERYBODY for help : probation, associations against exploitation of elderly people, social services, the police, the doctor, her church, everyone, I don't do things by half, I telephoned left, right and centre, I wrote pages after pages detailing everything, and sending my reports by email to all concerned, but nobody could help or intervene as long as my mother kept telling them that "everything was fine". She insisted that she was alright (just like she did in the past with my father), and that her son was "a good boy" and not doing anything wrong, that he was "looking after her", but in reality she was turning a blind eye to everything he was doing and to the state of her (diminishing) bank account, etc., she was in total denial. At one point I even suspected my brother of drugging my mother too (her head seemed so much in the sand and she seemed quite strange on the phone) but it couldn't be proven. I seriously think now that she has just decided to help him financially in her last remaining years, perhaps by guilt, or maybe because she thinks it's "God's will", perhaps she's afraid of having another stroke alone, or of dying alone? or is she just exhausted? Maybe there's be too much brainwashing, manipulation ("If you don't give me the money, I'll just have to mug an old lady in the street", "mum, you can't imagine my life in prison, I don't feel safe there", etc.) Or maybe she thinks she'll get a place in heaven? Last September, every service agency, institution I contacted gave me the same reply : "your mother doesn't want our help, she's happy with her son living there with her, she accepts giving him money, and it's her choice, she's "mentally autonomous" and hasn't any cognitive problems. We must respect her choice, she's free to do as she likes." The whole situation disturbed me greatly. I talked on the phone to a policeman on the case who said the situation didn't sit at all easy with him either. 2018 is his probabtion year and yet here he is manipulating, exploiting and stealing from this own mother. He gave me some advice, and told me if it was HIS mother, he would 1. try and get the brother back in prison (so the mother would no longer be isolated and the family could visit her again in order to work out a plan of action to help her out of this quagmire), then 2. get her a mental assessment (which would show she was not able to act in her own best interests and could therefore access available community help and support), and then 3. find her an alternative living accomodation (where the son would get limited access under surveillance). I was getting reports from my niece who visited her, who saw my brother completely out of it behind the front door (which freaked her out so much she isn't going to check in on my mum anymore), and my mum rocking back and forth in the living room in her armchair (as though to comfort herself?). I decided to take a week off and travel over there, I was on a mission with the policeman's 3 step-plan as a guideline of action, to see if I could talk to her in person. I only bought a one-way ticket to Scotland, planning on returning to my life, and getting the return ticket back, when my mission was done. I arranged to stay at one of my sister's for the duration of my stay. However, I quickly became a "persona non grata" for my mum because she evidently didn't want to hear what I had to say. I explained to her that my eldest sister was so depressed with it all that she was seriously thinking of committing suicide, she was talking of driving her car off the motorway. My mother was like a cold stone, she seemed strangely insensitive to what I was saying, as if I hadn't spoken. The only thing she came out with was to say that it was terrible the day before, the police had come (the same policeman incidently that I had talked to) and tried to tackle her son, to provoke him into hitting them back so they could properly arrest him. (My brother now in his 50s is not stupid, and was able to hold off from retaliating with the police so as to avoid arrest). I told my mother it was I that had contacted the police to make a visit because I was worried about her. Needless to say, my mother would no longer look at me, or speak to me. I learnt afterwards that she had repeated to my brother that it was I who had summoned the police, he phoned me and left me threatening messages. I no longer felt safe at my mum's (she told me herself I wasn't safe "after all the trouble you're causing") and that my brother could come home any minute. I didn't want to imagine what he was capable of, me on a mission to "save my mum" from his clutches and separate them, I was obviously his biggest threat to any heroin source. I told my mum she'd been a good mother, she'd done everything she could for him, she now had to "let him go". "Why does she think she deserves this kind of abuse?" She started sobbling, I told her repeatedly she had to "let it all out", that she'd been bottling this pain up for too long. While I was over there, my plan was to organise an "intervention" with all the family (meeting up elsewhere than at my mum's because he was always there, lurking around, controlling). There would be us 5 daughters, my aunt, and a few nieces, together we could pour our hearts out to try and make her see sense. Unfortunately, I didn't have the support of my sisters, on the contrary, they sabotaged what I was trying to do to save my mum from the situation. The only way I can describe it, is to say it was as though they were all living in La-La land, with their heads in the sand. Everytime I called my mum, she put the phone down on me. If my brother answered, he would curse and swear at me, threatening me if I called again. Once I heard him grappling the phone from my mum and hurting her in the process, she cried out in pain. I couldn't go round and see her anymore because of my brother's threats, I think pushed to anger he'd have been capable of knifing me, if it wasn't the fear of going back to prison which would stop him. I was enemy number 1 for him. After a week, I had exhausted all my options to help my mum. She didn't seem to care about me or my legitimate feelings of concern for her, she just accused me of rocking the boat, of being a trouble maker, of causing problems, of being "nasty", I had become the scape-goat. I decided to catch the first flight back home and cut all ties with everyone, my mum, my sisters, for my mental health sake. The situation was too crazy for me. I found myself once again in the horrific situation I had as a child : complete impotence. I was outraged at what was happening, I still am, but I cannot accept just accepting passively the mistreatment of somebody I love without being able to do anything about it, and for this very person to refuse my help. It's been a year now since I've cut those ties officially, for good, once and for all, with the whole of my family. I have to protect myself, the situation was dragging me back to the trauma and impotence of my childhood, the folly and abnormality of it all. It's no good just getting news from my sisters updating me on a situation which would no doubt progressively be getting worse and worse. I feel a bit disgusted at the lack of support from my sisters in 2018 at my moment of need (I had made a lot of sacrifices and put my whole life on hold to go over and help them) and for their passivity and lack of compassion for my mother. If I can't do anything for her, it would be too disturbing for me to just passively receive bad (and worsening) news, I don't know what to do with this suffering, this impotence. I think about my mother everyday , she is so often in my dreams, I have nightmares too about the both of them, where my mum is in danger. I have just recently discovered Leo's videos and through them I often try to make sense of what I'm going through. For example, on the "self esteem" video how some people think they "deserve" that kind of abuse, etc My heart feels completely broken, sometimes I cry so easily just thinking of her. I would never have wished the last years of my mother ending like this, she really doesn't deserve it. I feel like I just want my mum to die now, as peacefully as possible, but quicker rather than later. I will really feel relieved to learn that she's died. I just want her to be safe. I'd feel happier at the news of my brother dying from an overdose, except that my mother would be hurt by that, I wouldn't want her to get heartbroken over that. I feel so anxious at what could happen when she no longer has anything to give my brother. It drives me crazy seeing the dangerous situations she creates for herself, she seems to be so fatalistic. My only hope is that she is safe, the most basic thing in life, that's all I've ever wanted for her. Forget even about any happiness or peace for the moment, just basic personal safety, godammit. In spite of my huge tenderness for her, I can say today that I regret having this person as my mother, I feel like it's caused me too much suffering.

I would never do it, because there is a way to renounce what you think you are completely that i have discovered. Suicide involves torturing yourself to leave your body, so the effort by itself is very very painful even if you succeed and how do you know really if thats the thing to do?

Okay, so I've sat, introspected and contemplated on this topic trying to figure out how ego can drive one to a suicidal point. And after having tried to bring this case as close to experience as I possibly could through imagination and introspection, I realized that the only thing that would drive me to commit suicide is having to not fulfil my passion and somehow not live my life persuing my objective/will. Through these thoughts and feelings I realized that I would rather die than not explore this world we call reality and not tell stories. At the core of what I think to be my soul is a burning and very powerful desire or vision of exploring every world, every realm, every plane of existence and field of knowledge to the best of my ability, and then come back and share with whomever I can what I'd discovered in a very creative way whenever possible. That's what's driving me to live and endure every shitty moment that gets thrown at me. So I imagine doing anything but that would be driving me to die. Although, all that was still imaginary so in real life I know that what I would actually do is fight for my vision with every breath I had - even my last one. But that's just me. I'm sure there are other things that would drive one to a suicidal point like the feeling of not being loved or something as intense as that. So I guess not doing doing or fulfilling what you've deemed to be your purpose somehow makes the ego disfunctional which then leads to it's own self destruction..? I don't know. All I know is that if I were to have the closest, if not essential, thing to who I am or what defined my life removed - that would drive me insane.. and possibly dead. But all this just makes me wonder whether or not there is a deeper purpose to the ego, or whatever this biological mechanism is ,besides survival. I mean I don't know about every one else but I wouldn't care much about my life if it felt pointless. Not a damn much. So yeah, that's wassup ?

Even though that's just a materialistic observation of the brain chemistry, perception change sober if you take lots of psychedelics. Is that a good thing? What if you cant differentiate between the different dimensions of hallucinations? Why consider brain changing psychedelics, and not artificial strokes that changes perception of reality? People who experience strokes have a radical change in consciousness. Would you do that? What risks are you willing to take to achieve enlightenment? Why not commit suicide if you want to have no more attachments and want experience God? Because there is no way back into the hallucination? (the one you want to have no more attachments to). Why not go the Hindu way and torture yourself so infinity shows up constantly? I have experienced the dark night of the soul because Infinity showed up before smoking a blunt. Total detachment from reality, but not beautiful. True but dying (ego) every day is not something most people are looking for. Fortunately it went away after 6 months. I talked to 2 enlightened people about that. One has said it is changing the brain and different from actual awakening because it is just a memory (whatever that is supposed to mean), and the other (who used about every drug from the market 20 years ago) said its not making the progress go faster, but you risk being trapped in it. Dark night of the soul and uncontrolled visual hallucinations. I don't want to start a debate with this, I just want to know what risks you guys are willing to take. Is actual dying a faster way than Psychedelics to know the truth? If so why are most people not doing it? Because there is no way back I would assume. Being trapped in it is not the goal, or is it?

@Sucuk Ekmek Society can't continue to neglect these people even if they may never make them see the truth, they can intervene so they dont go down that path, i mean how shit must your life be that killing people is an alternative to living in society. I think taking away guns would be a start, we have school shootings in europe...... go figure. 70 people die a day in the us from fire arms either suicide or by accident or killing etc

All, I've decided that this forum has served it's purpose and utility for me. However, given the fact that I enjoy being able to provide something genuine, authentic, direct, honest, and hopefully something of value to those that may be touched by what I have to say in some way, I would like to share my path thus far and where things are taking course. Though this forum has, as it must be, plenty of users that will likely project stuff about me in the comments, I would like to suggest or invite you to consider that nothing that I share as far as the words that you read here and how you interpret it in your mind means you know about me. I use what I have to say to share a perspective that hopefully becomes one in which that may (or may not) provide either inspiration or value in some way. You are responsible with how you interpret what is written and interpretations are never the truth. With that said, here goes Life Prior to Actualized.org: Prior to finding actualized.org I had been suicidal, hospitalized, dealing with ADHD and a diagnosis of Type 2 bipolar and on 6 different medications, including ADHD medication since I was in 1st grade. Life was never exactly easy for me. I always struggled academically, socially, emotionally, mentally, etc. I almost committed suicide in both high school and my short time in college. I was incredibly depressed to the point where I was sometimes bed ridden. At the same time though, I knew that, to put it blunt, everybody was fucking crazy. Nothing really ever made much sense to me. I never understood why I could, as if, "sense" such deep inauthenticity and deep suffering in those that looked the part of having everything together. That there was something deeply fake about not only myself but also the act I saw but no one admitted. I never understood why school systems were the way they were (and how dyfunctional the way they are). I never understood religion, what the world was (even though I still had my belief systems about it - *recovering* Evangelical Atheist ), why people lived and settled for a life that was of mediocrity and joked away their clear dissatisfaction for their life, etc. The point is, despite my suffering, I knew as a result of my own ignorance, that there was something I knew that nobody around me knew... which is that we didn't know a fucking damn thing and no one admitted it. Or, put another way, I was suffering... but I wasn't stupid. By the time I was 21, I had dropped of college 3 times, had a collapsed family ridden with deep emotional issues that nobody took responsibility for that was and still is filled with deep trauma, almost committed suicide multiple times given how much I experienced such deep hate for myself, failed in pretty much everything I ever set out to do and wanted for myself, dealing with psychosomatic trauma that was through the roof, had no career, no real friends that actually cared, working part-time jobs that I resented myself for doing. I knew that, in the end, despite the mess that had been laid down upon me that was out of my control, I was (and am) the one whose responsible for it and I that I was choosing to still be where I was at and every second I didn't do something about it (over the course of months and years) I grew more mad with myself because I was betraying my heart... and that no matter what anyone said about how much of a luxury or even narcissistic it is to want that... something about not having that fundamental integrity with my heart, some "thing" that almost had nothing to do with the meat puppet that was suffering (and also everything to do with it), felt deeply wrong... and I could never let that go. And lastly... by the time I was 21 I had gotten out of a hospitalization program at UCSF, discovered motivational videos on YouTube, Tony Robbins, and then Leo. Actualized.org - Exactly What I Had Been Looking For My Entire Life: After dabbling with listening to hours of motivational videos, buying my first self-help book (Awaken The Giant Within), exploring Tony Robbins, I eventually found Leo's channel despite months of avoiding the video thumbnails of a guy who just made weird faces with what I thought were gimmicky titles. Boy, was that I projection I'm glad I went beyond. When I found Actualized.org I felt like, for the first time, I found exactly the thing, person, talk, topics, etc. that I had always been looking for. A guy who was very cheeky, honest (brutally so - which I loved), and had the fucking balls to say what he was saying. Though I initially avoided the spiritual videos, after a certain point of playing with meditation and not being able to explain why, after all my (now what I see as surface level nonsense forms of) therapy how sitting down and being aware created such a profound difference, I realized it was worth listening to what this bald dude had to see and maybe stomach the spirtual jargon. Turns out he explained perfectly well, in the way I needed to hear it, what I was coming across in my own sits of guided meditation/mindfulness/self-inquiry. Turns out he was not only right, but as if, metaphorically speaking, held a lens to a bigger picture outlook on what was and is really so about this thing called existence and how it ties with my own philosophical yearnings since I was a kid and my own suffering... and also how I was wrong about fucking everything I ever believed... and I wanted more. More than anything though, Actualized.org helped me reconcile with myself that that yearning I always had in my heart was not only worth following, it was the only thing to do. From one perspective, the way I saw the trajectory of my life completely changed in terms of what my more gross surface and even subtle aspirations, goals, and ideals, and values were. From a more fundamental self perspective, nothing changed. It was just more pure. I reconciled within myself that having a big, grand, noble vision for myself and what I wanted to impact this world with is something to never ever give up on. It was reenforcement for what I was knew deep down inside. I also got the education I always needed and wanted. I now had a vision for myself that exceeded even my own perfectionist ideals. Not only that, but that I myself could do it if I committed enough to it. I eventually went out to take the Life Purpose Course that I shed some hours of tears of frustration, confusion, and being downright lost digging through my mind and heart trying to find what I really wanted and what was most true to me. I spent years on that course. I exhausted that course. I listened to every video, exhausted every exercise, did all the extra reading and video material, listened to every single one of Leo's other videos, listened, watched, and studied those that served as say "archetypes" that represented that which I am most inspired by. Then my purpose became clear... and that was to know what everything is. Not just enlightenment but to understand, to make that understanding experiential. I looked at the sages and mystics of history and present today. I found Peter Ralston, Sadhguru, Ken Wilber, Leonardo da Vinci, Gautam Buddha, Christ, Pyrrho, etc. and it became clear that that was it and that that was the only thing for me. Not fit into their category and become a copy of them but as Zen Maser Matsuo Basho said best... Walking My Path: By January 2018 I got off all 6 of my psych medications. I had been on medication at that point from the age of 6 years of old till, at that point, just under 23 years old. A month after that I met my now homie through the forum @Sahil Pandit. By March of last year I finally had my first psychedelic experience and for the first time of my life, I actually loved my self and my heart blew open. By May of last year I got in contact with @Robby who is now a person I can say is a true definition of a real friend. One of those friends that comes in and changes your life. I got a chance at a job where I tested myself to truly live on my own and earn enough money working 70+ hours a week and start taking grounded ownership of my life. I then met someone who I am proud to call both a great enlightened teacher and dear, dear friend @winterknight in NYC and have stayed in touch since and is someone I can't express enough gratitude towards. I set my intent to move to Boulder, Colorado to study under a teacher Ken Wilber has openly called "one of the most accomplished spiritual teachers on the planet", Zen Master Doshin Roshi of Integral Zen and Ken Wilber himself. I succeeded and found a teacher who I resonated with probably more than with any other human. I found not only a truly deeply enlightened Zen Master but someone who was radically fucking real that had balls. I found a teacher who knew exactly my suffering because he lived it and then some. A teacher who also had ADHD, OCD, etc. and was a fucking real Zen Master. If he could do it, I can fucking do it. I got in touch with the Cheng Hsin community and stayed in contact with both Brendan Lea and of course Peter Ralston. I got the chance to talk to Martin Ball. I can now say I have more than my fair share of not only enlightened friends but more importantly, real genuine friends and mentors who are actually going to tell me the fucking truth and really care. Though my stint in Colorado didn't go exactly to plan, nothing ever does. So I am now currently back in San Francisco working a job to save money. I am moving to India in a matter of time that isn't clear yet to find a teacher and go pursue this path until there is no more pursuit. In the mean time I am now about to go to my first enlightenment intensive which be a 3-day retreat held by Joseph Rubano in SoCal in April, an Isha Hatha Yogasanas Program in March, in search for a therapist, and also plan doing some more tripping in the mean time. Though money is not exactly ideal to say the least right now and I am not progressing at the rate I want to be progressing at all, if I am honest with myself and with those of you whom read this, things in a weird way are unfolding. On the surface it isn't that tangible so much but deep down I trust I know where I am going, even though I know I can easily go or fall down a direction I don't want to go. In the end, I know what I want, I know the path, I have exhausted more conceptual study more than I think most honest people would honestly say they've ever done, and I can feel what my heart wants deep down and I'm willing to die for that. Conclusion: I would like to leave in 2 parts... First, thank you @Leo Gura. Though I've shared with you this before, whether or not you remember at all, I would've been hanging on a noose long ago if I hadn't have found your stuff. You not only changed but saved my life. Though I don't really know you I hope one day I can at least have the chance to say to your face thank you for everything and that I wish you, your channel, your work, your path, your life purpose the absolute best. I will still drop in for videos every now and then, stay a patron, and stay tuned for more so long as I am still around and need guidance from outside. Your videos ignited a fire in me when mine was almost out. Your videos never had to be as long, deep, authentic, full of heart, and honesty as they have been in order to have your success on YouTube. But they did. And even if I did have thousands or millions of dollars to pay you, I don't think that would do justice to how you've at least helped me. However indirect that help is. My heart goes out to you. Never sell out because what you've given thus far has been utterly priceless. Second, to those of you whom aren't Leo... follow your path. If we are actually serious about this path, fundamentally the only thing standing in the way is not ADHD, depression, OCD, learning disabilities, etc. it's us. There are people out there whom want to help and often takes nothing but a simple act of reaching out and asking. Our commitment to a stubborn intent that is grounded in the heart is the thing we need to listen to most. As much as that doesn't answer, it also answers everything as far as what, how, and whom we seek. Our path is ours to follow and ours alone and it is up to each one of us to take responsibility for that truth. It is up to you and I to be honest with ourselves and others. It is you and I that must become conscious and stop asking for everybody on here to give you answers. It is on you and I to seek out the therapists, resources, guidance, teachers, workshops, etc. Take nothing on faith including the words you hear from teachers that speak from a paradigm that you resonate with. Believe nothing. Question everything. Tell the truth. If you don't know what's true, that's what true. Be honest about that you don't know. Be honest about what seems to be most true for you right now in your experience and then question it. Most importantly... follow and listen to your heart. It's always known. And remember... the only reason suffering hurts is because of how much you love.

At the hospitals, I couldn’t follow directions well enough because I couldn’t listen or pay attention well enough. For decades, I’ve been taking meds for concentration and tried all kinds of special listening skills for someone with my disabilities. I don’t know. I can’t figure it out. I tried asking my parents, my sister, and my brother-in-law for help with my resumes and my behavior, but nothing has helped enough. Honestly, I don’t what there is for me for ever getting and keeping any job. No one owes me a job and I probably don’t even deserve to have any kind of job. I don’t know much more of this emotional pain I can take before I decide to finally take my own life. Furthermore, even if I don’t commit suicide, I don’t know how I will be able to survive when my parents are no longer alive to support me.

Is Reincarnation Real? How does it work? If someone commits suicide, to what kind of a life will he reincarnate? Will he start from zero in terms of consciousness work or will he continue from where he stopped?

@rNOW @MrDmitriiV @Raw Nature @Robert Leavitt , I really appreciate this feedback as it's helping me understand the nature for suicidal acts/behavior. I think it's such an interesting topic just from how it hits home with most of us. Okay. I feel like I still have a lot of work to do before I understand this, mainly because of the questions that are outstaying their welcome in my mind. People, according to what I've gathered so far, would attempt suicide because they have "given up with life" or because "their fear of tomorrow/unknown is greater than their fear of death" or because "they're trying to escape human suffering having already known that death is not the end", basically. So far, shifting the perspective of identity seems to be how many suicide related mind states have been resolved. Unless I'm missing something else. So, although the answer to my initial questions clearly appears to be yes.. it's all ego, I'm going to have to try to find out where things went wrong. We all live with our own individual ego but not all of us are being tempted to commit suicide, right? I've also had a great deal of suffering being brought to my life but it never drove me to a suicidal point. Hence, I'm really curious. Does ego want to die because it hates its identity and life, or because it loves itself too much? Anyway, thanks again guys ✌️

I have multiple suicide attempts in my life starting at the age of 18. I am completely free of all of that now, so was it the ego? Heck yes. I was walking around feeling SO SORRY for myself that I was in constant pain all day long. THEN, to add insult to injury I was super mad with the world because they wouldn't feel sorry for me too. So I just wanted to get out of the pain at that time. Looking back I was just ridiculously entitled and selfish. That's an amazing thing to say because I endured a large amount of trauma both through abuse and also some natural disasters. But I had no self-awareness and I was constantly blaming the world for my problems. It was entirely of my own making. I know it's harsh and it sounds like I don't have compassion for others in the same situation, but I do. I just know that for myself, one day I made this decision that I wasn't going to feel sorry for myself anymore, and I grew up and took responsibility for my own life. Depression for me is "God not doing MY will"... I was diagnosed BiPolar, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, blah blah and I find that when I was completely identified with that, I just blamed those diagnosis for my problems and yet again shifted responsibility. I did that for 38 years, walking around trapped in a "victim identity", and that's what depression really is to me today.

@Victor Mgazi It's a very fascinating scenario but just in a nut shell, its sentience corrupted that's all. Sentience is the thing that allows us to have free will. Most depression and suicide related symptoms (including fear) would be healed through a training of the prefrontal cortex and general self governance training. Most humans have been corrupted by mainstream "unregulated" (and therefore chaotic) culture, and because their social governance does not facilitate their internal governance the likelihood that people will fall victim to negative states of being is much higher. Try at least 25% of the US population, and that's because of the socioeconomic structure that governs consumer options and because most of those act as social malware, its a successful statistic because it fuels people to be more dependent and therefore reliable unthinking consumers. The biggest war being waged on humans right now is on sentience, thus the cure is sentience.

Kinda, by trusting your deep instinct/intuition. My greatest fear with suicide, for example, is not being able to do it when I decide it's time to go or ending up as a vegetable instead of dying.

Thanks for the responses everyone. @MrDmitriiV So, in other words, only when ego identifies itself with consciousness can people go through with it? That's what I'm hearing regarding the whole instinct and consciousness being "free" point. @Anna1 Thank you so much for sharing. May I ask what was your greatest fear at the time - that ultimately drove you to attempt to commit suicide, if you can say? @Rigel I mean it's a possibility right? @Nahm Probably because the audience was at a different stage compared with the writer. I'd like to see the movie though, it sounds interesting. @Raw Nature Thanks for the detailed explanation along with the excellent scenario, although your level of English is way higher than mine, buddy ? Anyway, would you say this "imbalance" has anything to do with fear?

Even someone committing suicide out of love, that's all biology as well. Imagine being madly in love with someone and they died a horrible death. It's an incredibly traumatising situation for the brain to experience because of all the say oxytocin (for lack of a better term) and subsequent attachment that was built up for the person. It's like having all your limbs cut off at the same time, sometimes even worse. This is why psychological denial is often a very advantageous survival adaptation, at least in these circumstances. This is a chemical warfare versus balance relative to environmental circumstances.

Suicide is ultimately an imbalance in the biologies perception between survivability versus the value of doing so, whether or not that perception is accurate/inaccurate. We see other species commit suicide not just humans so you're not like, "oh it was ego driven for the duck".

Oh yeah, it's quite possible. On the other hand, it's a percentage. From average person to very gifted paranormal wise, either trained/born with the ability, the percentages are like 99.99% to 0.09% chances not in favor of the average person. Not only do you need to be born with certain abilities, but the amount of focus and training is very high, to be able to do anything paranormal, including chi at high levels, takes lots of hard work. Don't expect to find such people easily, they're quite rare. There were two cases of very powerful people with high chi ( bear in mind, chi is roughly translated as energy, life force, vital energy ect). One involved an Indian whose raised by a single mother. When she passed away, he was so struck with grief he attempted suicide at an electric pole. Instead, nothing happens, and soon he becomes famous for his ability to channel electric currents that could easily kill anyone else. The other case was referenced in this thread somewhere, a video of a Chinese man. Not only could he perform similar feats like channelling electrical energy from his body to other people, sort of healing them with the shocks, but he said he learned this from a master he met somewhere in the deep forest. He also could set fire to a scrunched up news paper, with just one hand. I suspect that the teaching could be similar to Mantak Chia's daoism system, and similar to celibate practices like semen retention. Of course, let's not forget Jesus and his paranormal healing abilities, which I think is a high degree of energy healing.

Someone made a movie once where there was no such thing as suicide, but it tested so poorly with audiences that it was never released.

11 years ago I tried to commit suicide. Was in a coma for 4 days and woke up ill/injured. I meant business! Lived to tell anyway. Is it ego? Hellll yeah. The plus, haven't been suicidal since, go figure.

@Victor Mgazi I've been suicidal for over 4 years. And yes it's entirely ego driven. No. Everybody, deep down, knows that death is not the end. Most just get too distracted by mental noise to listen to that truth. So by committing suicide, people act out on this deep instinct that death indeed will solve the problem (ego) and let consciousness be free again. Also, don't forget that ultimately there's no such thing as you or ego. It's just God. Anyway, realize that by committing suicide you'll be causing more pain into yourself, because you'll be the others suffering your loss.

I find this National Post article interesting, thought I’d share. It seems our friend JP has been in a bad condition. https://www.google.ca/amp/s/nationalpost.com/news/jordan-petersons-year-of-absolute-hell-professor-forced-to-retreat-from-public-life-because-of-tranquilizer-addiction/amp His family flew him to Russia for his treatment because they claim North American hospitals misdiagnosed him and pharmaceutical companies have less influence in Russia (claiming corruption in NA). Here are some cool excerpts: “His conditioned worsened through the winter, Mikhaila said. He was driven to thoughts of suicide by a movement disorder called akathisia, a well known side effect of various drugs for mental illnesses. It is a sense of restlessness and an inability to sit still.” “She [his daughter] said Russian doctors are not influenced by pharmaceutical companies to treat the side-effects of one drug with more drugs, and that they ‘have the guts to medically detox someone from benzodiazepines.’” Maybe his autoimmune disorders have to do with his philosophy and how he holds his body? (This is probably not true, now that I think about it) Maybe JP will realize that “the left” that he criticizes is not so bad. Maybe this will change his view on competition, “freebies”, western culture and free market economy too. I always thought JP was in deep suffering. I think it was and is evident by his health, emotions and his face. His way of thinking hasn’t served him. It’s too rigid and uptight. Feel free to express what you think about this and share any information you have on him that’s relevant. Hope he gets well?

I'm reaching out here because I don't know what else to do. I feel very suicidal right now and I just need some opinions and help. I want to talk to someone in person about my issues, because I read somewhere that women get over breakups better then men because they talk to their friends about it. But I can't, you'll see why below. My situation is, I'm currently in a startup. My cofounder is a highly charismatic sociopath. We have spent the last 3 years building a company, and we have probably another 5 years to go. It's going really well and it's got a good chance of being successful. Unfortunately My cofounder is from China(it's based in a poor dangerous part), and our company is based in China. I'm not from China, and I have been doing work from my home country. He has told me in the past that he strongly values strong determination, work ethic, getting rich, and sacrificing everything for the company. He said that he's willing to sacrifice his house, his wife and family relations to make this startup work. His wife is basically his slave, she does what he tells her to do, she gets upset with him a lot because he doesn't take her out on dates, forgets her birthday and anniversary, etc. And he just shruggs it off. Tells her that she can get divorced then. She either sacrifices her well-being for the company or she leaves. He of course expects me to do the same, but I'm not like him. I value compassion, impacting the world, empathy and being kind to women and basically everyone. For the past 3 years, he's been trying to convince me to move to China. I have compromised by going to China every 2-4 months for about a month. I couldn't leave in the past because my wife(ex now) couldn't handle it. She was too clingy. She couldn't even handle 1 month every 3 months, and that's why we have broken up. My ex wife came from Latin America, and we met in uni. We became husband and wife to give her a visa so she could migrate to our country. Of course we thought we would be together, but now we broke up. But we have to keep seeing each other for another year and pretend to be married for her to get a permanent residency. If I divorce her now, it will take her much longer to get a PR, and her mum(who is around 70) won't be able to come to my country because she might die soon. If I cancel her visa, I think there's a strong chance my ex wife my commit suicide, because her mum spent all her money paying for her visa and her university, all in hopes that she could spend her last year's in my home country with her. This gives me a great deal of suffering, because for the visa we have to keep seeing each other for evidence, but I'm deeply hurt she broke up with me. She told me that she broke up with me because she felt insecure about our relationship. Because my company is based in China, she's worried that in the future I will leave to China and never come back. I told her that I didn't move to China specifically to be with her. But she's too insecure and so she broke up. I pretended to quit my company and she cried because she said that I was messing up her head. And that to stop the pain we should just be best friends(friends with benefits) until the visa comes, because she knows I'm very ambitious and again that makes her think that if I get too successful I will leave her. I'm deeply hurt because I'm committed to her, and she won't accept it for a silly reason. And I feel used for the visa. I don't want to see her but I have to for the visa and this is bringing me pain. I agreed that let's be in a relationship then for another year and just enjoy while we can, and lets break up at the end of the year. Lets use this time to detach from each other and make our last memories good ones(because we are still attached to each other). She agreed(close friends of benefits sort of thing till the end of the year) This breakup happened about a week or 2 ago. I'm currently in China and have been for about a week or 2(left just after the breakup). When I go to China, I don't feel comfortable with my cofounder. He's very brutal and harsh(typical Chinese sociopath). He's also 20 years older than me(I'm in my early 20s). I value health, wellbeing, and it's always a struggle for me to do simple things like eat healthy food and go to the gym. He argues with me that I should be working long hours at the startup and thats more important than health and gym. He shows me all the poor people in China and says all of them would do anything to be in my position right now. When i argue he just argues back. And its so uncomfortable because when im there im living in his house, i come from a poor family and dont have enough money for airbnb or hotels while im there. He of course wont spend that money on me because hes a tight chinese man. I told my cofounder about my breakup up(because it's important for us to understand what's going on in our life for planning the startup) and I was hoping that he would be at least a bit sympathetic. Instead he said "hooray! you can finally migrate to China, I'll get you a visa". I was just so put off by this. I broke up with my wife of 3 years about a week ago, and he gave absolutely no empathy. Instead he just capitalised on my loss. I wanted to vomit. I told him that look I need time to get over the relationship. We will continue to live together till the end of the year. I'll come to China permanently a bit later during the year. He told me that I'm being stupid. Why am I choosing to help someone with a visa when they broke up with me? Why do you want to stay in your home country and live with her after the breakup? Youre being stupid, irrational, emotional, feminine. If you were loyal to the startup you would come instantly! This is your future, not your ex wife. Think about the future, stupid 20s man. Even if I don't live with my ex for the rest of the year, the thought of living with this guy in his house for a long period of time makes me wanna puke. Chinese are so harsh and brutal and hate feelings. they only care about rationality. I don't mean to be racist but I hate their culture. The company is on track to make enough money to justify to my tight ass cofounder to give me a pay and have my own place next year. I want to move then. But not now. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. I told this to my ex wife, and of course she got pissed, saying that he's going to ruin her visa and her plans to come to my home country. So i cant go too soon. I'm just thinking "what about me? It isn't fair, I've had enough and I want my share! My heart has just been teared, and all these people care about is their own petty lives". Fortunately she later confessed that if I go she will cry because she still needs me. But her first reaction was the visa and that hurts me a lot. On top of all of this, to save money I've been living with my parents. Because it's a startup the income is not totally secure, especially since the Chinese dollar is much lower than my own country(I live in a city as expensive as los angeles) and with the corona virus its just dropped again. My parents are pissed that i sacrificed my degree for this startup and have now told me i must move out. So now i have home security problems. Also my parents are divorcing after a lot of hatred and only care about themselves right now. Divorce court fees etc makes me not a concern for them right now. I can't talk to my parents about my ex wife, because to get the visa my parents have to write statements to the immigration. I've also had a lot of fights with them in the past because they helped my ex wife by providing her a house and thought she was ungreatful, but kept all of the resentment in because they thought we would be together forever. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Last night I stayed up the whole night. Just contemplating about my life. I wondered "what if instead of my wife disappearing I quit the startup?" Then I suddenly felt like I was on cocaine, ecstatic. The relief from all of the pressure was amazing. But then I remembered all of the pain I got from my controlling ex wife. I then wondered "what if i quit both my ex wife and the startup" omg i felt like I took 10x more cocaine, with all of the relief i felt like i was floating. Then i remembered how stressful it is living with my family. Then it hit me, what if I committed suicide? Just started over again like what we do in our dreams? OMG the relief, the ecstasy. I cannot describe, just like an enlightenment experience. Last night I snuck a knife out of the draw from my cofounder's kitchen and began to locate my heart. As I was about to push it in a flashback of my entire history from the moment I was a kid to now occured. I saw how much mourning my parents would go through if I did this, the shock and terror of my cofounder and the dread of my ex. But the worst part would be my parents would incorrectly feel guilty and responsible for the thing i was about to do. So i put the knife back and instead just wept in the deep dark depression for the entire night. I've talked to therapists in the past, and I find I get worse, not better eith them. I can't speak to my parents about my situation, and I've tried speaking to my ex and cofounder about it: which was a mistake. I have no friends, because I'm too busy. I feel used, exploited, and I feel unlovable and void of love. I feel like people only like me because I make them rich(cofounder) or I give them a visa(my ex wife). I feel very resentful to my ex wife. And I feel like vomiting when I think about my cofounder. I have a deep urge to commit suicide and I just don't know what to do, and I don't have anyone to talk to. What can I do? Is suicide the best thing for such a situation?

The video his daughter posted was quite clear. He was on a very physically addictive antipsychotic medication to deal with the suffering of his wife who was dying of cancer. As he was trying to get off the medication he suffered from a rare yet not unheard of case of absolutely devastating case of withdrawal that left him on the brink of suicide. He went for help by going to the hospital to get treatment to help himself get off the medication safely while battling the withdrawal symptoms. Let me be clear, if you have not been on a antipsychotic medication (antidepressants, mood stabilizers, tranquilizers to bring down bipolar people from manic episodes, etc.) you have no clue what withdrawal from those things it’s like. Pretty much all antipsychotic medication have warning labels about not getting off too quickly because the withdrawal can be so bad and so sudden you can end up killing yourself and not even know why. If you have not had this experience you have no idea the level of hell this is. You can be having a seemingly great day and within a matter of minutes after being several days off the medication you can be on the brink of killing yourself. For those using developmental models of psychological development (which are abstract conceptual generalizations of individuals, collectives/cultural memes), you are merely projecting your own ignorance on a man you don’t know. How about we express some compassion for a human being whose been going through hell rather than express petty likes and dislikes that have everything to do with mind and ego? If you’re going to try and critique, pick apart, ridicule, and delegitimize every person based on their stage of development than you’re wasting your time. Jordan Peterson is actually a very healthy Orange modernist and makes and has very useful points and perspectives on some of the problems in the world. If your case is that “well he’s just an orange rationalist who thinks logic is supreme and has no idea about God,” what exactly is the point you’re trying to make? That enlightened people are the only people worth listening to? Newsflash, the more developed you are, the more capable you are of making bigger mistakes. The more developed you are, the more capable you are of both benevolence and also malevolence. A Turquoise ashram leader who hasn’t done any shadow work is more capable of harm than a Magenta (purple) tribesman who hunts with sticks. A truly conscious person in practice is able to really learn from Peterson and appreciate the fact that he’s actually very integrated person for his altitude of development given the amount of shadow work he’s clearly done. He highlights very big real problems of both Green and Blue. Those points are worth listening to. Take what is useful, toss the rest and have compassion for another human being that’s going through hell. The odds of people who are not in the public light, not to mention how much of the public light he’s under, to handle criticism as well has he has is so extraordinarily low it would baffle you. I highly suggest to forum users that it’s wise to really appreciate, learn, integrate, and the value all the different stages of development.

Yes. Bernie is not a democrat, he is officially an independent. This will play very well in a general election. There is an enormous number of people that are sick and tired of both political parties. The biggest swing group, by far, is non-voter to voter. . . Bernie's independent status will be a huge asset. Bernie doesn't want help from corporate dems. They are part of the problem. Criticism from corporate Dems helps Bernie get stronger. It fuels the grassroots movement. People are sick of corporate corruption, including corporate dems. Bernie supporters can't stand corporate corruption and the Clintons. Bernie is the only candidate that cannot be labeled as corrupt. The best the repubs can do is label him a "socialist" and they have a big surprise coming when people realize what democratic socialism looks like. This will play very well in a general election. Consider that in Canada, even the most conservative politicians are fully behind M4A. Speaking out against M4A would be political suicide, even for a conservative. That's how popular this "socialist" health care is. Progressive dems will be fully behind Bernie with their heart and soul. Not hunger for power and money at any cost - like Repubs and corporate dems.

For reference: to Peterson, evil is not just selfishness that stems from finitude. The tension within the human condition is brought upon because of polarity between finite and infinite s/he experiences. This is the cause of suffering in life and it has no obvious payoff. He sees two ways to address this problem other than suicide - one is by embracing meaning through conquering fear and the other is nihilism. Peterson thinks that when people choose nihilism, they basically rot with resentment and evil is the outward expression of that. It is the deliberate destruction of happiness of other people. Relatively speaking, in terms of human psychology, I think that he is right. Contrary to popular opinion here, I think that he actually does understand postmodernism, but he falls into believing that it is somehow universally evil. It is only evil in his own definition of evil, as it guides people into destroying meaning while giving no alternative. To him, this makes nihilism the only way of addressing suffering and since as a psychiatrist he's been treating people for that - it's no wonder that he hates postmodernists. I think that despite his multi-perspectival (yellow) thinking, he does not appreciate the importance of stages of development. I believe that he is spiral-aware as he brought up Piaget on multiple occasions, but he fails to see that postmodernism is needed at later stages of development. Given how much effort he's put into battling it, I don't think that it's likely that he will ever embrace it. I remember hearing this quote and I'm not sure, but I think that it comes from this video: In terms of human psychology, exploring the "humans infinite capacity for evil" is nothing else than shadow work. It was always clear to me that Peterson is not against enlightenment - on the contrary - he advocates FOR life that guides towards it. The tension point between Leo and Peterson's teaching is the goal they are aiming for. Leo does not respect the relative domain and goes full god-mode, masculine style.