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Thanks Shin- Yes. This I get. Many years ago based on research and experimentation, I reached the conclusion that matter and energy are illusory. They are only ideas around which the experience of physical reality is formed. I think of it as the scaffolding on which our experiences can occur. It gives us a stage on which we can play our our individual dramas. Here's the question I am trying to get at: If those who physically die, immediately reach a state of non-dual existence, then what are they doing having a dualistic experience? There seems to be an objective experience happening following death since there are cases where it can objectively be shown to have occurred. It seems as though many or most experiencers seem to simply move to a non-physical state of non-dual existence where a life-like story continues. Feels to me like this dual to non-dual transition is not a binary thing that happens spontaneously at death, but rather a thing that we need to work on, perhaps over many iterations of birth-death. ? Also the question still remains for me: if/when we reach this state of non-dual existence, especially considering its unsurpassable bliss, why would we even consider acting in a non-dual way again? Why would we be put that garment back on? Of course the "we" is no longer in existence, but it seems like some intention toward more dualism cycles is still in play. Would this cycle between convergence and divergence just represent the "design of the system" and not intention? And finally: where is the history of all that has occurred stored? We can't deny that experiences have occurred, right? Physicality aside: things have happened. Love has been exchanged, emotions have been felt. There are many examples where one incarnate can recall the experiences of another. This implies that this information doesn't vanish when someone has becomes "realized".

I was taken into the light of Source itself. It started within like 15 seconds of the meditation beginning. It was quite unexpected. Meditation had been quite weak for me. But I fully committed myself to learning more from a spiritual guide yesterday, and today I had a breakthrough. It was such a healing space to be in. Truly remarkable.

Culadasa the author of The mind illuminated is dying of cancer. It's interesting to hear the experience of a master meditator (first part of the video) It's interesting that he says that he can't repress the feeling of panic when he can't breath, and being master meditator doesn't help in that regard. I remember dying of suffocation, if one stays aware during the breath arrest comes a point where the panic turns into bliss when you realize that the suffering of suffocation was self created and you're now effectively free of the breath you go into the deepest meditative state without psychedelics.

Also, don't forget to take good care of yourself and start treating yourself. Show yourself plenty of love & start celebrating life. Prepare yourself some tea, make some healthy cream soup, avocado toast, smoothie, fruit salad, something you like which makes you feel nourished & cozy. Enjoy it slowly while you listen to some good music and savour it slowly. Create a sacred space at home. It can be a whole room or just a corner, a peaceful area in the garden or even your balcony. Decorate it with lots of beautiful plants, natural minerals, crystals, floral arrangements, huge cushions, get a comfortable sofa, a cozy lounge chair etc Get yourself some hi-fi audio system and play some good music when you wake up in the morning. I suggest making an account on Spotify and creating themed playlists. For example, you can create one called 'Morning playlist' and take some time in the morning just to chill out, enjoy & savour life. Keep in mind that what you do in the morning can set the tone for the entire day. Do some active meditation, dance, sing, do some karaoke, do some yoga, breathwork, journaling, audio-journaling, paint some visionary art etc Enjoy yourself Do what gives you a feeling of expansiveness & joy. God's love can express itself in many ways. Just follow your bliss. In a holistic way. Take care, Best wishes ❤

God's love is so perfect, it's perpetually overflowing from a place of wholeness because God is already complete, totally at Peace within itself. Thus God's love is Infinite & Unconditional. It doesn't need a reason. It doesn't love something and hate other things. It understands itself fully and thus it has no shadow. It's all 'light'. It's all good. You cannot feel it because you are focusing your attention on the illusory game of the ego-mind that you're playing. Consciousness doesn't lack anything, thus it has no needs & no worries. It's infinite, immortal & all powerful. This love is not an expression of romantic desire or eros and it doesn't require a catalyst, an agent to provoke feelings & it's not just an emmotional connection to someone but it can express itself in any way it wants. This love is not an emotion, it is the source of emotions. Since God is unlimited, it can express the Love as an infinite range of emotions, feeling & states of consciousness as well. It can will any emotion or feeling into existence. Think about the types of love you feel right now. What do you love right now? Do you feel it directed towards certain people in your life? Is it romantic love, familiar love, self love? Is it appreciation for the fact that you are healthy, you are safe & you have water to drink? Your human mind is filtering the Absolute based on your human game of thinking you are a human. Do you ever feel your heart space overflowing with love? That's like a grain of sand compared to the boundless ocean of God's ecstasy ready for You to bathe in. God is forever home and that home is pure love. When you awaken to it, when you get the God-realization there will be no room for doubs as to whether or not consciousness and love are one and the same. Your 'I' will melt into the Ocean of God. God is total and complete, it gives love without any expectations of reciprocating or receiving affection or anything in return. Because it is itself. You are pure utter bliss, orgasmic oneness. Like a pounding heart made of divine orgasmic energy making love to itself for eternity. Infinite love ❤

"A Miracle of Love Like a river Flowing to the sea Like a wind Dancing in the trees Like a flower Opening to the sun All returns to the one Who has loved you Forever Forever No beginning no end This precious life Is a miracle of love All is love Everlasting love A miracle of love In a moment of bliss In a moment like this A miracle of love Of love ohhhhhhhohhh A miracle of love Love love love love Love is all All is love"

One that occurred to me recently while thinking about the recent suicide: Leo gives you the impression that death = infinite unconditional love-bliss, complete understanding, total onenss and all the other facets of enlightenment. Though he clearly and overtly discourages his viewers from doing any physical harm to themselves, some will inevitably jump to that conclusion, thinking themselves to be so fed up with life, or such a spiritual badass that they can take a short cut and jump straight to enlightenment by suicide. The bias of course being that Leo and everyone else alive reading this are alive. Whatever levels of consciousness are reached, that consciousnes also resides in a living human body looking through physical eyes. What if maybe, possibly, perhaps, "enlightenment" as anyone can conceive of it from the human perspective, is only possible for incarnated beings. What if those who have died before reaching that level of consciousness in their lifetime do not become instantly "enlightened" upon death, and instead, will return in physical form for as many lifetimes as it takes before that self-realization unfolds while alive? I can't claim to know, point is that having mystical experiences of any sort, while giving you sharable insights into reality, doesn't necessarily mean you know what would happen (in the proximate sense) after anyone else becomes physically dead for real, permanently.

A permanent collapse of the I-thought, or put another way, the breakdown of the mental mechanisms that has you identify with concepts of the self, is enlightenment in its most common form. There are many more stages after that. But this is already very good and valuable. Yes it is not the same thing, though a complete crown chakra opening is necessary for unity consciousness, which is several degrees above basic self-realization. However, since you already seem somewhat attuned to chakras, even basic self-realization is likely to be accompanied with at least partial opening of the crown chakra, which will result in bliss and love, and will also show you how to advance further. I do, yes, but at the end of the day, it really is not possible to give any practical advice about the how of it in textual form.

The pleasure of blissful self-realization will supersede all worldly-pleasures initially, so you don't even have the motivation to chase after something else. Eventually, as the bliss stabilizes, you are free to do as you want. Still, excessively chasing worldly pleasures becomes rather moot, since everything is already blissful and you won't have to look anywhere to find it. This bliss results in happiness in the mind as well. Happiness is a state of the mind and can never be permanent. Bliss is not the same thing as happiness, though it can cause it. Still, with self-realization, being happy and not in pain stops being the objectives of life.

Its a technique called mahamudra .it gives me enough bliss and remove all my suffering and quitens monkey mind significantly

@asifarahim I was just asking what you were doing as your single technique that generated bliss. I might look into official kriya yoga in the future but right now i'm doing my own thing

Don't be so hard on the poor guy, it's his ignorance that created his bliss. Better to ask him for open-mindedness!

Hi everyone. I been having some experiences lately that I hope some of you could help me shed some light on to what’s going on. - So this got a lot longer than I anticipated. But that’s how it goes I guess. So If you have the patience to read throughout it. Thank you. Theres is a long backstory like always :). But to cut it short, it has involved a classic massive existential crises from losing “everything” and a complete chattering of my identity. Leading both to immense beauty and despair. Witch at fist led me back into an old lover; Philosophy, to try and find answers, witch I felt in the end let me to the limits of philosophy/logic. A deep dive into psychoanalysis and philosophy kind of stranded, exemplified for me by this notion by Hegel: “The thought of contradiction is the essential moment of the concept” and Lacan´s “I think where I am not, therefore I am where I do not think.”. At this point I started feeling kind of like a recovering "intellectual". Suddenly it made sense to me when OSHO say: “Baybe!.. My whole job is to confuse you”. But to cut to the chase, I then did the online inner engineering course by Sadhguru some time ago (Not the initiation into shambhavi mahamudra). And I been practicing the Isha Kriya + 7xA 7xU 7xM + 21xAUM meditation every morning and then just the Kriya again in the evening. I didn’t really have any expectations about it to be honest. Just taking it like an experiment to see if anything would happen. I did it in kind of the same spirit as brushing my teeth I guess. From what I have read its supposed to be a very sudle and gentle process. And I have also seen it referred to as a watered-down version of Kriya yoga here on the forum. And I have heard Sadhguru say that its a safe practise where nothing crazy will happen to you. So 21 days into the 48 day madela, I had the fist experience, where for just a few seconds, a taste of bliss rolled trough me. It was fine, pleasant and quite sudle. Then for the next days things stated moving around between my dick and my anus during the two practices. It feels like tingeling + something moving around. Like a fetus moving around in an egg, the area being the egg. Around the same time, not during meditation, I had an experience where everything suddenly went silent. My existential crisis and loss of identity has led me into a purpose search spiral, (that I have noticed im not the only one getting caught in this confusion). For a long long time I had the feeling that this is the thing im gonna do/be, but then it collapsed. Like this is not it, again ´this is it-this is not it´,´this is it - this is not it´on and on to the point where it was driving me so crazy that I started thinking if no matter what I come up with is not “IT” any longer, then maybe really all of it is it.. Ore it and neither it at the same time, so to say. Like the purpose is not having to ask the question in the first place, but again it has to go full circle, back to where it started. Anyways, what triggered this experience of silence/emptiness was, -in my trying to understand- listening to different talks on non-doership. And in one talk, one woman from the audience told a story of a mosquito landing on her shoulder and her hand just smacking it by itself. Somehow that simple story just made everything go completely silent. For the first few days I feel like having no thoughts. Thoughts suddenly felt just like a toolbox I could pull out if I wanted to ore just leave it in the closet otherwise. My irritation towards others opinions completely disappeared. that witch would previously get me annoyed didn't bother me the slightest anymore. I noticed some reactions happening automatically in the body like it was just a learned pattern that was just happening by itself. But It was just the body doing its thing. And at the same time I also started being unsure of my exact location. Having trying to located where I am before I have had the experience of being kind of more in my visual filed the behind my eyes. But now it has gotten intensified. I started doubting if I was going mad. I had a family weekend that I was getting uncertain if I could handle. Like if I could act sane if that makes sense.. But in the end it went fine. I had just before that cut down on the practise and just stuck to the kriya not to ruin the madela. Morning and evening and skipping the AUM. But now to the reason for my post. This morning doing the kriya ( I started adding the AUM back again yesterday as I now felt integrated with the experiences ). But after the “Im not the body, Im not even the mind” During the 7xAaaaa it got intense. A bit of tingeling like before between the A & D and then suddenly my body just started lifting up from my seat and down into the seat in a rhythm of woooom… woooom …woooom bouncing up and down, up and down. I have never had any experience like this. I know there was no physical movement happening. But it was as real as real. I stuck trough the kriya, kind of hoping I would not blow up, and I did not. But it was a wild experience. I have a job for the fist time In a long time in a week that I have to be functional at and my feeling is I can’t go further right now into the experience. Im already balancing my sanity at this point I feel. As I have understod it these exercises is ment to ground you in your root/muladhara. But my experience is that they make me take off. And it feels like a bigger engine in warming up to shoot me somewhere I have no idea where is. So today after this experience my feeling is that I should take my foot of the pedal. Even thou I haven’t even completed the 48 day madela of something that is just supposed to ground me!. I do have some on of experience with labelling meditation and do-nothing. So im aware of the the state where, even just a small gap between mind/body and awareness, the process is on for me. But this thing seams to go waaaay beyond that. This process is on a whole other level from my experience so far. There are some energies at play that I have no idea of yet. And I have a lot of respect for that I guess. Ill admit that I am on the cautious side with these things. I like to keep up with the process to some extend I guess. Im not especially kind to my body to be honest. I do eat very healthy naturally, but other than that not much in that direction. I do have a feeling that at this point maybe I have to shift somehow into taking more care of my body before continuing the process. Am I being over sensitive about the whole thing? I do have a feeling that things are gonna go really fast if I continue. In some sense I feel like its already on, and its just a question on how fast in some way. To context a bit more, I can add that im also sensitive to pshycadellics. I have taken 1/4 of what others have taken, with them feeling nothing at all, and I get blow away. But for alcohol its the opposite. I can drink as much as i can stand and it never changes my personality at all. It never has as long as I can remember, not even the slightest. In contrary to what I notice in others. My experiential field changes but I dont if that makes sense. Also I should maybe say that for the last year I have been taking the opportunity of Corona to just spending time alone. So I have been alone close to 99% of the time for more than a year. To the point of hearing my own voice is a funny experience. My post I basically just about the bouncing wooom wooom wooom experience. The rest is just more ore less relevant context that I could come up with. I haven’t been able to find any similar experiences described. The tingle and the moving around down there, I have seen described as Kundalini. But the bouncing? I have heard yoga masters say that it is extremely rare to get an accidental kundalini awakening. Though YouTube is full of people saying exactly that’s what happened to them. Am I messing with kundalini unintentionally here? I do not feel comfortable fooling around with that energy without anyone to guide me to be honest. But maybe it has nothing to do with that and im just being a spiritual baby ? ? And its just a .. well I dont know what is is.

God is infinity, which means infinite suffering and bliss all at once. Infinity implies all state possible, and infinite situations and problems to solve/overcome. That implies that no matter how much we solve "problems" and reduce suffering in the world, there will always be more coming. That sounds nihilist and "bad", but actually, it would be sucks if it wasn't the case. Think about it for a full minute (not asking much of you ), if you have peace in the world, with zero situations to solve, that's the same as imagining a world with no experiences, cause as soon as an other is created, there will be conflict in one form or another. That applies to the individual as much as the collective, with no situations to deal with, with nothing to strive for, there is no point in having a temporal life's experience, time would be useless. There will always be suffering as well as new challenges to tackle, so when Leo says Spiritual teachers are cosplaying, that's quite true, they don't actually believe peace and harmony can be reached (or it's wishful thinking), because it won't. I'm not saying that we can't go through stage green and live in harmony as a human race, I'm saying that even if that is done, new challenges will arise out of that, It will never stop. Seeking the end of suffering, in the end, is kind of pointless and aimless, cause not only it is not possible, but it's not truly what you want. Think again for another minute, if we truly wanted a life without struggles, why the fuck would we incarnate ourselves as human beings in the first place ? That's what we wanted, or at least, that's what's happening and can't be avoided. So what can we take out of that ? We have to live life not to stop suffering, but to enjoy everything, even the struggles and the hardships, cause that's literally the only thing we can and will ever do. We will never reach a state of eternal peace for long, cause even if we do, we'll come back one way or another as a human with "problems" (or other experiences) to start the cycle of suffering and bliss all over again. We're not here to escape pain and suffering, we're here to experience it, to be able to contrast it with bliss and ecstasy, and then transcend them altogether, and forgot all about it. Life is just an orgie of experiences that never stop in peace or suffering, but loves to mix both, because every one of those experiences are unique and will never happen again, which is why they are so beautiful and amazing. Even the "worst" moment of your life Was a masterpiece.

People do physically die from lack of relationship. Think of a baby who isnt given love, or an older person who lost their partner. No, the opinion is that because we are social beings, we need relationships to survive. Survival isn't just about life and death. Even someone who lives alone and never sees anyone ever, at one point they survived because of relationships. Also, you don't know that they experience "absolute bliss" all the time. They had to probably go through a lot of loneliness and still feel that way at times. You've taken extreme examples of humans that CAN survive without other humans and using that as a reason why relationships are not a must. Also, I'm not just talking about romantic or even close friendships...there are many different types and any kind of social interaction with another human is considered a relationship of some sort.

So your opinion is that because we live in a relative world, interpersonal relationships are a must? That would also mean that without them you would physically die or not be satisfied throughout your life. Why are there so many examples of the opposite in this case? And why are there examples of enlightened masters who live in a cave and experience absolute bliss? Do you feel empty and lonely without people around you? Again, my desire is not that I want to live in a cave or whatever alone till I die. It is about the answer of the question.

@Zeroguy Well that doesn't really answer anything tbh. It doesn't tell me how to change the dream, or how to imagine specific things. Like how do I imagine my crown chakra opened and bliss? Saying I imagine the crown chakra and I am imagining bliss doesn't really do anything

I've had thoughts similar to Sunny. Logically it follows. If this is just a dream and the truth is that reality is all good and we simply creating reality for our own experience then why not just die and create a new dream rather than wait 50 years etc because you will die eventually. Most people will live their entire lives without experiencing love, deep joy bliss etc, but when they die they will get all that and more. From their perspective what is the point of living and not just killing themselves? But at the same time, the guy left his 2 kids to grow up without a father. And if you read his posts there's a sense that he is parroting some spiritual tropes without an understanding of how they fit into reality at large.

@LastThursday thank you for the story, though I feel that you have been trying to get out of that well for a very long time now. And I have to ask myself if you actually know and know how to get enlightened. Though the how to is not easy to explain, once you have entered into it and that way of living once, twice or thrice, you have faith you can again. Actually I have removed so much of any identity that it is difficult not to become "enlightened". It's interesting because a year ago I started to understand within me which way I would have to live to be enlightened, the day sadhguru said enlightenment is the eisiest thing, instant realisation. Though at that time without being aware of it I had a lot of ego/emotions etc that had to be cleansed from my system, so for a moment I thought enlightenment way that endless bliss that I could feel for multiple hours, it was intense meditation and at that tome it was complete freedom aka short period of enlightenment. Then afterwards I understood living outside the well was no longer filled with bliss because that was just piled up emotions/desires that had to go through for me to get to the next phase. Staying in the system of society I gradually lost more and more of my identity and everything became clearer and clearer though I always knew since 12 months ago how to become enlightened. It's just something you have to do and there is no method for it. That's why I called what you are doing playing mind games. Because It actually in a sense won't get you closer to the way of an enlightened. Either you live completely freely or you play mind games with yourself, there is no inbetween. That's why I also wrote that I am doing the same. When the mind games start to get less and less what will be left will be more and more of the truth. When you are only left with the truth of your desires and wants and identity and the rest of it then you will naturally come to the place where I am right now. In almost constant touch with a new way of living, then it is easy, just to fly out of the well you thought you were stuck in, because actually you just didn't know how to fly, you were scared to fly, but now you know that all I have to do is jump with all my might and I'll be flying, so why stop when you have started, then continue to fly forever untill the day you wish for peace and thereby return to the earth.

@Salvijus Yeah I understand you but it still has to come full circle into the realization that life is as well as much truth as anything else since there is no distinction made in actuality only mind might do it. But I somehow i do feel that if full 100% cessation forever would be possible then there would not be this here. If GOD could cease itself it would strangeloop into that it is full aware again if you get me ? Sounds a bit like theravadin(spelling?) Buddhism that stresses more or less "spiritual suicide " but it was not really the Buddhas teachings, anatta for example was more a statement meant : This is not my soul that is not my soul etc. Not that Self is unreal. The yellow robes theravadins teaches " this is all there ism" IE the psycho physical is all that there is. It comes as no suprise that thousands of years old teachings gets corrupted. Buddha was asked what to call his path or teaching and he said it would be called : Brahma jama or something like that, which means path to Brahman or Path to the Absolute. He taught liberation but not really spiritual suicide. He was more in line with Advaita Vedanta then not. But who cares right ?‍♂️ And on the psychedelics part even science says it shutdowns the default mode network more or less, IE ego process. But for that to happend you need a pretty high dose usually but some people can get it on 150 mcg lsd but not in my case. Ego death can be a tough nut to stomach when it happens as well but afterwards it is bliss more or less. It shows alot i feel for how the death process will unfold or atleast the beginning part of it. So it is more to learn to stomach to die. But 10 trips etc is not enough either to get a grasp on it. But psychedelics is not the end all be all either, contemplation/meditation/self inquiry is necessary imo. Cheers mate ?

Dealing with My Spiritual Ego: The Dangers of the Spiritual Ego and Why People Should Be Careful Some. of. yall. bout. to. be. real. mad. at. me. but. it. must. be. said. While I do get a lot of value out of spirituality and Actualized.org, there are things that I'm very hesitant and even skeptical about. This might look like me turning on this community or not aligning with the main values of this place but I honestly don't care. The two main things that I'm really hesitant about involve the dating advice here, especially for guys who can't get laid, and the enlightenment related things there. I'm not going to talk about the first one because I already wrote about that but I am going to focus on the second one. I suppose that I'm far from having any concerns about enlightenment and transcendence. I think I'm at a place where integration and building a solid foundation to build my life on in order to ground me is much more important. I think getting on the path to enlightenment prematurely can be incredibly dangerous without proper integration. Maybe I'll get to a point where I'll care more about existential and absolute truths years down the road or maybe I won't I don't know. But I know that if I ever get on that path, I want to be able to have some type of framework and some solid foundation because diving in head first without preparation is irresponsible for me and the people around me. There are some methods of getting there that I don't particularly agree with (if you do agree with it idc, no judgement I don't know what's best for everyone) and those include things like psychedelics, fasting, and isolating yourself from your loved ones and abandoning your hobbies and interests because all of your attention should be towards enlightenment. I feel that those things are rather extreme and are things that are definitely not for the vast majority of people. Also, I'm hesitant with drugs in general. I don't care if other people uses them granted they are doing so safely, responsibly, and legally but it's not for me especially when that advice is coming from a talking head on the internet. Upon recent events, this video by Adeptus Psychonautica came out. Some people are triggered because they think it makes actualized.org look bad but I think it's incredibly beneficial for people from the outside critiquing actualized.org because being super insular usually doesn't end well for a variety of reasons whether it be because of self bias all the way to cult like tendencies. I guess I'm not particularly attached to actualized.org and spirituality in general so when people critique these things, I don't feel particularly triggered because to me it's simply a source. I think it can be easy for people to get attached to some sources and some teachers because of the benefits that one gets from their content because it does have to do with those people's survival emotionally and psychologically. Especially if you get help in a vulnerable place and even if you get out of that vulnerable place, there is an attachment that forms, almost like a baby blanket after you grow up imo. I've had something like this come up for me once personally and even though I've never got to the point of needing to defend that source I got value from, it does sting because part of you identifies with the source and teachings therefore when someone critiques that source or teaching, it's like they're critiquing you. I went ahead and watched Adeptus's livestream and I feel like most of it was valid despite what other people may think on here. At no point did I feel that there was slander or that Actualized.org was being dragged through the mud. There are also points where Adeptus talks about the positives of the way Leo is handling different issues such as the phone call he had with Connor Murphey and one of the posts he made on the thread discussing recent events( Around 1:08:00-1:17:00). They talked about how Leo or any of the mods are trying to do anything malicious or create a cult but sometimes it seems like there is one forming around Leo anyway (basically collective ego). Overall, @AdeptusPsychonautica, I loved this video and I think It's important to contemplate on the darker aspects of spirituality and self improvement rather than idealizing it. Here are somethings that I found were really valuable that I want to include in my journal.: Around the 15 minute mark: Mackenzie talks about how these teachings aren't things that were made up by the community rather they are things that were taught by ancient teachers and how back then there were teachers who had communities but since it was in person, the teacher can gage were the students are at and how much they can handle. However, this aspect gets lost when its all on YouTube and on a forum when anyone regardless of how stable they are can access it. There aren't checks and balances. I think this is a very valid critique. It's not so much a direct attack on actualized.org but it's talking about how systemically there are problems and shortcomings. At the 20-24 minute mark, I can see why some people in this community can get triggered. They are critiquing how a lot of the followers think that they are a finished product and they are so enlightened and they egg each other on in order to keep up with the master and meanwhile the master is here talking about "i've gone deeper, I've become more awakened, I encountered a new level of awakening, you can't understand where I've been." And this challenges people to do more and more and more to where it can become compulsive especially because Leo talks in these absolute terms. Adeptus talks about how this might be Leo's personal truth and how he isn't saying Leo is lying or anything like that but it's the way he goes about it. This is honestly part of the reason why I avoid parts of this forum. I personally found that this type of thing doesn't help me and how this type of thing can become very compulsive, especially when it comes to Leo's fanboys. Around the 31 minute mark: If truth realization is not your Moby Dick to where you want to sacrifice everything, go for human adulthood meaning the integration of your spiritual, emotional, relational, physical self to be your most mature self. If you don't want to sacrifice everything, point your hunger toward integration and self actualization. Then in the 37 minute mark, Mackenzie talks about her experiences with nonduality how she felt all the love and light in the moment but then she came back down to just being human again and still having all of her problems that she had before the experience and how that can be discouraging and therefore cause people to go on these endless seeking journeys. I feel like this is where I'm at with my views on spirituality and self realization. I do care more about integration and building a fulfilling life than simply transcending everything and joining the void. Because based on some of the interactions I've had on this forum, teachers that I have learned about in history, and interacting with Leo himself is that even if they get an enlightenment experience, there is still plenty of human shit and blind spots you'll still have. And I think to go towards actualization is to deal with that in a slow consistent way rather than dealing with nonduality and transcendence. Around the 40 minute mark: Mackenzie talks about cleaning up her nihilism she encountered from spirituality and how she started building meaning in the form of close relationships, books, etc. to slowly start rebuilding her ego to care about existing. And then she realized that that was the process that she wanted all along and because she grew up in the shadow of new age culture where ego death, nonduality, mysticism, love and light are more a part of the conversation than anything, she thought that was the way to fix herself. But for her it was more along the lines of deep psychological work, embodiment, and healing that she realized she wanted more of a complete human experience instead of transcending the human experience because that was the thing sold to her as a way to deal with being here. In order to deal with being here, you don't have to leave. You just have to be present and accept the present moment instead of constantly feeling like you have to do more and more to reach a higher and higher state of consciousness in order to be at peace with the present moment. In spiritual communities its like there is always some place else to get to. It goes back to the 27 minute mark where Mackenzie talks about how there are two levels. There is truth realization and done. Once you reach done, that's it there is no more self discovery of lets go see what else I can find. Once you're enlightened, the seeker disappears so if you're seeking more experiences, you're still seeking which can get compulsive. I love this section. While I never became nihilistic, I've had a point where I got really attached to detaching. I journaled about this before and how it relates to my relationship to actualized.org. Basically it wasn't cute. I had a friend who was like "I don't think you even know who you are anymore" because I got caught in this cycle of even detaching from the healthier forms of my ego like my personality, my hobbies and interests etc. It wasn't this enlightenment thing that people often talk about here. And from then on I took a step back from spirituality and self help in order to be more gentle with myself so I can build myself back up again. This was the post I was talking about and here is the part that I think is most applicable to this post: Around the 47 minute mark: I also like how they discuss how people turn spiral dynamics is another dick measuring contest lol. Also Adeptus talks about how it's not about the model itself rather it's about how people use it to judge others and turn it into a dogma. Then Mackenzie talks about how it's important ot just see it as a model rather than THE TRUTH that explains and solves everything because that can be the indication that this is probably a defensive ego mechanism. Reminds me of something I wrote elsewhere in this journal: Around the 1 hour 3 minute mark: Mackenzie talks about how some teachings are vague or are gatekept because the highest teachings can be dangerous. Vague teachings will only make sense when people ponder it for a while and then when the reach a certain place in their journey it will make sense. And that bread crumbing your way to truth is part of a gradual process of direct experience where you figure it out on your own, therefore if something goes wrong, you can still back track. However with psychedelics, you're kind of thrown into the truth and then you may or may not be able or ready to deal with it which can be dangerous if someone doesn't have proper integration. Granted I've never experimented with psychedelics and I don't plan to any time soon, but I do 100% agree with the need for proper integration and the importance of pacing yourself in the journey to find truth. It reminds me of Leo's video on ego backlash where if there is a sudden change, even if it's for the better it can lead to a huge backlash because individually and collectively we want to aim towards homeostasis rather than growth because homeostasis feels safe while growth is a leap into the unknown. And these backlashes, even though they may look like a step back after taking a step forward, are important so that you don't do too much too soon and throw everything off and cause chaos while aiming for growth. The bigger the growth, the bigger the backlash. To me that's important to take into consideration because to me that means taking on too much too soon can yield to a huge backlash which can be pretty detrimental. And to me, it means that it's important to take your time on the journey and pace yourself so that you don't have a backlash that is so devastating that it takes away all of your progress. It simply isn't sustainable. That's something I also learned this year as I've been trying to take a more gentle, slow approach to discipline rather than a rigorous strict way to discipline. It goes back to that feeling of always wanting to get somewhere rather than appreciating where you are now. The spiritual ego wants to be enlightened as soon as possible and if it means taking a shit ton of LSD or 5meo, it will take that route over a slower and more sustainable way like through meditation, self-inquiry, and working on yourself in general. I don't think there is anything wrong with those substances and that there is a time and place for them but when you have a spiritual ego that wants to get more and more enlightenment experiences that last longer and longer and go deeper and deeper, I can see how that can turn very dysfunctional to where someone might contemplate on ending their life so that they are in that state of bliss forever. 1:21:00: "What are things about yourself that you are trying to avoid by transcending that? That's where to start. What are you trying to transcend, why are you so fucking eager to transcend it." I just really like this part. I think a lot of people need to contemplate this tbh and I think this is a good quote to end this post at.

@BipolarGrowth You know, I used to feel like that a few months ago when learning about all this spiritual stuff. I used to think that if I have way more understanding than 99.99% of the people, then it's as though I've "lost" the journey for discovering those things on my own at a slower pace. I had notions that it's like forcing myself to become "old" and skip on life and just reach to the end. After looking into it deeper and "upping" my awareness levels I see that this is EXACTLY what I need to pursue, and that there is no "too early" or "rushing it". Rather than skipping on life it feels more like going deeper in life. It feels more like slowing the time rather than accelerating it. And above all I can experience vastly what's happening in the moment. I also used to think that enlightenment and spiritual work meant that at one point all the feelings I'll feel are joy, bliss and calmness, which sounded ok, but not really rich so there was some cognitive dissonance. I tried suppressing "negative" emotions. But in general I feel like everyone goes through similar phases of understanding spirituality in more depth. In my current state my understanding is that spirituality means the pursuit of real freedom. Freedom from attachment, freedom to feel all emotions (even the "negative"), freedom to think without suppressing. But also freedom to move between my lower and higher self, consciousness and unconsciousness.

It’s an RPG man. We can’t tell you how to build your character. And yes, a non-character is still a type of role ? But more seriously, there are gifts in this life worth attaching to. There is not one perfect state, occurrence, or achievement. If you want to have no attachments, do so. Become fully enlightened. Transcend suffering. But just remember, once you leave the realm of suffering, you might find that you acted like a kid who wanted to grow up so, so badly and then later wishes he could return to the innocence, ignorance, and bliss of the “limited.”

Ever since childhood I've had ADHD. Continually acting out, I was constantly chastised by my parents for my impulsivity and inability to focus. At the time I simultaneously was known as "that weirdo kid" and "the smart kid." As I've learned that many ADHD kids face, I was repeatedly told how much potential I had (inferring that I’m wasting it). Throughout middle and high school I was able to tame my inner spirit of acting out, as I became aware how much I was screwing up my own life by never paying attention, so I was able to force myself to get it together. The main remnant of my ADHD (which, I'll note, I was never diagnosed with for a very long time) was lack of focus. It seems pretty straightforward. You can do concentration practice, and you can meditate. You can find your passion and do things that really excite you. One of these things is sure to tame your inner beast. It's just focus, right? Unfortunately, it was never so easy for me. I really don't like being the victim and relinquishing all hope over my life, so as a precursor to the rest of this, I haven't given up hope. I just need some input. Back to the story. Throughout taking some pretty difficult classes (for an undiagnosed ADHD kid), I found myself studying more than my peers for many assignments and taking school seriously. Doing work was so infuriating, and it still can be. Because even on medication now, I have trouble focusing. It only alleviates the issue. In school, no class would go by where I didn't look at the clock at least 5 times. If you're not familiar with the brain chemistry component of ADHD, people are not hyperactive and unfocused because there is a chemical that causes them to be distracted. Rather, it's a lack of dopamine, which leads to a lack of sustained focus and interest. I've heard theories that this is because back in hunter-gatherer societies, humans couldn't be focused on one thing for too long, otherwise they could be killed by a wild animal. Whatever the cause may be, it makes it so that you don't find an interest in so many things. I can’t “lose yourself" in many activities as many neurotypical people can. Simply "find your passion" is *not* enough to ignite me. I've taken Leo's life purpose course and read books on mastery + LP. I've done meditation and concentration practice, as well as breathing work. I still meditate on a daily basis. I've watched countless videos on YT for how to "find your passion," and I have probably more than 100 google docs journals writing in pure frustration and confusion, not to mention I've tried probably around 10 - 15 activities/hobbies in search of finding that *one* I really enjoyed. I can only imagine the ease with which a neurotypical person can "find their purpose" and just be done. I would do anything to wake up in the morning out of love of one's craft. I've had periods where I would be willing to trade an arm and a leg for a deep passion. I'm so jealous of people who can immerse themselves in activities. When I see someone who goes "I can work for 12+ hours at a time in full immersion because I love what I do." all I can think of is what hells I can put myself through to get there. It's excruciating. Most people probably know the general idea of the concepts presented in Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi's "Flow" by now. This is where you become a master in your craft of choice, and get to points where you can just focus for extended periods of bliss. Although I find certain things can be enjoyable, I don’t really have a passion that can get focus/flow states, (sadly) with the exception of videogames: For me, the main thing I've really been able to achieve a flow state in is videogames. It's all I really want to do a lot of the time. Before I even had my personal computer, my parents told me I would try playing some rudimentary games on the ancient preschool computer/device. I don’t know what it is, but I just lose touch with my body, the world, and can lose myself for hours. This is what's known as "hyperfocus" in ADHDers. We can't control what we hyperfocus on. We just do. For me, it's videogames. I become immersed. Apart from that and some really beautiful shows I've seen, nothing can grasp and pull me in the same way. After a long day of confusion, I just want to load up my game and fight against other people. It’s just me and my mouse at that point, and it feels great, except for that nagging feeling in the back of my head that I’m wasting my life and that I’m being lazy again. As for some other things I (sort of) enjoy, there’s story building and creating fictional, intricate worlds, fine visual arts - specifically drawing people and detailed machinery. I always liked the line-making aspect of drawing over the creative aspects of it, though. The repetitive motion and the pursuit of perfection was nice. I’m not super creative. Ever since a young age, I was much more logically inclined (left brain) and I always gravitated toward more puzzle-type logical things. Everyone knew me as being really good at math and a fast thinker. I remember also getting really into deck-building games and I would pore over different combinations for cards for hours. Adding onto that, I also really liked strategy and I remember getting lost in my head with different strategies for the games I played. I liked the aspect of tinkering with arranging different parts into something unique with deckbuilding in particular. Putting things together like that was always fun. That might be the closest I got to enjoying something creative, but I don’t really know how to transfer something like that to an LP. Pure creativity without a purpose to make something of value/something useful (I intellectually know all of this is still subjective) like abstract art or art in general turned me off, and it still does. A reason I was never really able to get into writing/world creation was because no matter how many hard magic systems I built, nothing felt like it had inherent meaning (Again, subjective opinion). I liked making really intricate, detailed things through art, but never really the actual artistic part. There are a few artistic works I've seen that have just really struck me like lightning, but other than that, I haven't really been able to appreciate much art throughout my life. More so than creative, I also enjoyed any sort of competitive activity - I was fiercely competitive and it would engulf me. I liked the skill ladder for any pursuit that I could climb and improve against others. As for my skills, I’m very intuitive. When I was very good at math as a kid, it would be because I knew how all the cogs of the metaphorical machine worked, and I could just intuit the answer. I didn’t really think in words by saying (seven times four means I add seven.. one, two, three, four times), but instead my mind would just jump to the answer. I wouldn’t think in pictures, but I would just feel the way of doing the problem. I’ve pondered the idea of being like a hands-on-craftsman, or, more generally, I like the idea of going into a field where I can tinker and feel my way through things. As I grew up, though, I was taught to solve all problems in words via deductive reasoning, and given the complexity of many problems in school, I often made silly mistakes and, to this day, take longer than most to understand most concepts. Also, I can read people’s emotional states very well. Sometimes I find myself responding to people based on the “vibe” they’re giving off, rather than the words that are coming out of their mouth. I can be very socially attuned to how people react to certain things. I also really enjoy being able to give presentations/talks and teaching information. I remember teaching concepts would always light me up. I can’t really see myself being a teacher, or therapist though. It’s very frustrating because I feel like I have all these strands, yet asked “what do you really want?”, the strands don’t come together to form any cohesive piece. I’m incredibly mercurial, switching from one thing to the next. Nothing really sticks. As for my impact on the world, I care more about quality of impact on more individual scales, rather than widespread, thinned impact. Apart from this, I’m still searching, as I have been for as long as I can remember. Unfortunately for me, I can’t really "hyperfocus" on much of anything else besides games, including many of the activities I listed above. When I have to do something, I can do the activity, and often I do. I force myself, though. I’ve gotten good at doing chores, and unfortunately 95%+ of life feels like one to me. This had led to a lot of neuroses, such as constantly, constantly thinking about the future. I can stay in the present for short periods of time, but there’s little attraction to the present moment for me. I’m an excessive overthinker and I tend to live in my head and doubt myself a lot. I'm a big worrier and perfectionist too, although I'm working on not feeding these thoughts. One skill I’ve obtained from suffering with ADHD for so long is the ability to “just get through it”. Especially on medication, I can force myself through the day, but I rarely enjoy most of the activities. I “get through” this activity, then “get through” this work, and then I “get through” this other thing. It’s not purely a mindset thing, either. I just don’t enjoy so much of life. Always living for the future. The first approach to this problem : Reading a lot about the creative freedoms of mastery and the fulfillment that masters get from improving their craft, I’ve always wanted to master a skill. I read “So Good They Can’t Ignore You” by Cal Newport and "Mastery" by Robert Greene, and I’m starting to think that maybe I need to force and grind my way to mastery. My dad always commented that “You only seem to really like the things that you’re good at.” Perhaps when I’ve reached the top of skill mountain, I can see things from a different vantage point and do what I really enjoy. With implementing strong habits and having friends keeping me accountable, I could pick a domain I’m willing to put in the time for, and grind out the skills necessary. I’m super competitive, so that could help in this quest for developing skill. I know this doesn’t seem too healthy, putting grind over passion, and putting competition over creativity. At this point though, it’s the best strategy I can think of for myself. I have a habit of switching my focuses right away (because again, I find so little things interesting), so perhaps if I could just stay stuck like glue to one skill and put in 2k-5k-10k hours, I’ll be able to enjoy life more. If I make a plan and force myself to stick to it, maybe I would begin to enjoy it along the way. I don’t think keeping the habit or laziness would be the issue if I really decided to go down this road, it’s more so whether I would genuinely want to make this time commitment. The second approach I could take is to just keep looking. To find something that really gets me on fire, that one thing I can laser-focus on and I can keep coming back to by being pulled, rather than pushing myself. (everything right now is me pushing myself). This would be nice. It feels like I’ve exhausted so many options, though. TL DR Is it a pitfall to make a synthetic LP through just getting skilled at one thing until I can appreciate that thing at a deeper level and attain deeper levels of focus? Or should I keep searching for something that really draws me in? I have bad ADHD and cannot find enjoyment in many activities the “normal” way. Thank you for sticking with me through the long read. I’d be grateful for any advice.

Yes, that's actually one type of "meditation" I enjoy doing. Like sitting, or laying on my back and not caring about anything, once I reach that state of being, I actually feel what you could call contentment, without reaching profound meditative states. @Tim Ho The heaven awakening I had is not really a metaphysical truth, but more like a change in perspective + no-ego state. Not as incredible as Kundalini bliss or nothingness. Let's hope My head will show itself to me I also stopped torturing myself with SDS meditation, cold water showers etc, because I have a notion, that spirituality is a path made out of suffering, for it to be transcended, which is a very unhealthy perspective on life. I am aware, that once I let go of strong physical pain, I enter a state of equanimity, but that's harder for sneaky stuff, and I often don't see the point of that. @Gianna I don't only watch Leo's videos, I'm also in shinzen young's fb community, but I just love this forum too much. I am sorry you feel that way. It's really hard to remember the highs, when we are low.