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Thank you everyone for your support. I'm crying tears of dread and confusion, but most importantly love for each of you. I can't express my gratitude enough. Hopefully with your guidance I can climb out of my despair. First of all, I can't believe you responded Leo; now it's certain that reality must be my imagination lol. But really, I want you to know that I love you and are absolutely amazing and, even though your videos scare the shit out of me now, you have been the single greatest influence in my spiritual journey. Thank you. And I love you Nihlus, Consilience, Rilles, Breakingthewall, Free Mind, and whoever else offers their help. Thank you so much for your wisdom and compassion. Now that the ooey gooey stuff is out of the way, I would like to clarify some of the great information you've shared with me. This first post will be regarding Leo's response, the following posts addressing the others. However I ultimately know it's my responsibility to get through this, so silence is a perfectly valid answer. Yup my mushroom dose was too high: I wanted to see the truth and got monkey pawed more than I could have ever imagined. That's 100% on me, and now it is my responsibility to deal with the repercussions. This really helps me with understanding why I feel so "bad". Knowing that it's possible to know this reality and still be ok really helps out with my sense of doom / not being ok. And hearing that its the best possible news gives me a sense of hope. I'll try and become aware of ways I can make this imaginary reality meaningful and positive. It's also great to hear that I need to integrate this with my ego. Through my research I was under the assumption that spiritual work / enlightenment is meant to kill off the ego, but now I'm thinking it's more about living in the best way ... imaginable. Or as one of your older videos stated: improve the quality of your consciousness. Some people like their egos, some would rather kill off their egos, and some would like to meditate on nothingness. I need to learn how to accept the seemingly unacceptable, and I'm sure that's going to take a lifetime of work. But I'll do my best. Another message of hope, thank you. I've been trying to separate my experience from the reaction to my experience, but I find that to be extremely difficult. I'll try to become more aware of the stories I'm telling myself about this reality. I'm still trying to figure out how to surrender. I've been reading "Letting Go: the Pathway to Surrender" by David Hawkins and am doing my best to apply his teachings. I'm sure I'll figure it out if I keep trying. The same goes for being present: I'll continue to develop that capability. I'm guessing this means that I experienced something completely overwhelming to my ego, and in an overwhelming time sometimes the best thing to do is surrender fighting/feeling the experience and instead to continue living. As the overwhelm fades, I'll be able to better accept and come to terms with reality, but not when my ego is spasming like a dying spider.

Infinity can expand. Imagine that infinity is nothingness. It’s limited by itself - which is, not at all. There is no limit to how far nothing reaches. As soon as you find the furthest limit you realize there is more beyond it. it’s not already at maximum because if there were a maximum there could be further beyond it.

Hello and thank you for taking the time to read this. I really appreciate it. And I really need help. I am in a horrible place, and I don't know what to do. It feels like complete & infinite existential doom. I'm hoping that someone can act as a guiding hand of light in this time of darkness and despair. Little bit of backstory: I'm 25. I had a great childhood living a life of enjoyment. At age 21 I moved out and got a job for the first time, where I absolutely hated the 9-5 and got spiraled into meaninglessness and depression. I've been battling that ever since and for about a year now have been taking the spiritual route seriously. About 3 weeks ago I decided it was time to try out magic mushrooms to see how that could help me on my journey to self discovery and healing. The "good" part of the trip: oh my god it was amazing. I took 5-6 grams of the mushrooms, and the first thing I felt was lightness and energy. All my fears, worries, and problems melted away. I was floating through my experience full of love and joy. Bliss. The "bad" part of the trip: oh my god it was like nothing I ever experienced. It's like the line between imagination and reality was erased, and my imagination was reality. Reality would seamlessly shift and transform like my imagination would seamlessly shift and transform. For instance: my girlfriend was driving us home and I thought of watching one of Leo's youtube videos and that became my reality. My reality was the awareness of Leos video, and that reality was me. Leo would tell me to wake up and suddenly my reality would shift to pure colors and transform into taking with one of my friends. As I was trying to talk to my friend and tell them I need help because I don't know what's real or who I am, I suddenly KNEW that my friend was me and that there was no need to explain anything to him. That reality would then fractalize and I would travel through infinity and experience infinite cycles of knowing and forgetting the truth. I would then come back to this reality, but this reality was no longer real. I felt complete oneness with my experience and completely alone at the same time: like everything and everyone was merely something I was imagining and that I was the only real thing. Knowing that filled me with complete existential despair. I just wanted to die, but I knew that ceasing to be was impossible, that even if I died in the "real" reality, that "real" reality wasn't even real and wasn't me. That if I tried to kill myself in "real" life, it would merely be me imagining shooting myself in the head and continue shifting and transforming realities. These shifts and transformations in reality occurred for a good 6 hours and I felt completely alone, horrible, and eternally doomed. The aftermath: I was so happy when it ended and I came back into being me. I remembered a little about the trip, but not much. I couldn't understand what I experienced and it felt like I couldn't even remember what it felt like. It completely shook me though, because that sense of aloneness. And I could tell I had a sense of dread in the background. Two weeks later after I felt pretty content and integrated with having that crazy trip, I decided to do a lighter dose of magic mushrooms (about 3.5 grams), and I started feeling like I was losing my grip on reality again. But rather than having another reality bending experience, I instead un-repressed the memory of having my reality bending the first trip and I was able to completely remember what that felt like. Now: I am completely full of existential terror, dread, confusion, and despair. I feel like nothing, including myself, is real and that there is no point of existence. That there is no meaning to a completely imaginary singular reality in this sea of infinite imagined realities. And worst of all: I feel like I am eternal and that I can never end. And oh my god I just want this all to end. I can't handle what I experienced, I can't handle KNOWING that all of this reality is imagined and everyone else is just my imagination. I can't handle knowing that I am the only thing, that I am god, and that I am infinite. I just want it all to end, for me to disappear, but I know that's not possible because on the trip I've already disappeared in this reality. My stomach and heart feel like pits of suffering, and my soul feels like its writhing and exploding in agony. I've been feeling this way for 4 days now trying my best to just feel the feelings, but this dark night of the soul feels like it has no resolution. Its like I've peeled back the veil of reality and seen the truth, and the truth is infinite, alone, and despairing. I can now remember the trip whenever I want, but because I can remember how I felt and what I knew during that trip any notion of who I am and what is real has no ground. Everything feels fake and imaginary and I feel trapped in this hopeless meaningless ride of existence & nothingness. Everyone and everything in my life is just something I am imagining and I'm completely alone. I am in complete hell. The truth is complete hell. I want to end. Watching Leos video about his radical explanation of reality only added to my feeling of doom. This man I looked up to and resonated with just told me that all my greatest fears, and that my existentially dooming reality was all true. I can't handle infinity. I can't handle being god. I can't handle being alone. And nothing I do is pulling me out of these depths. I'm so scared. I'm so unbelievable scared. I've had fears of being eternal since childhood and all I feel is complete doom and despair. I don't know what to do, and I can't cope. I'm so confused and so hurt. Thank you for reading this, and I hope you can help me through the darkest night of my soul. I love you and wish for the best.

Well if you focus on somewhere other than the image in front of you, ofcourse it's gonna blur. And since in your experience, there is nothingness behing your perception. Your vision just blurs and dissolves and no other image comes up. Unlike let's say imagining a red car while eyes open. atleast this is how i see it. I think what you are doing can be a helpful practice tho, just feels like it. edit: Just realized, what you are doing rn is what I do to focus in on the fact that I am awareness which pervades everything Nietz's abyss quote makes sense now lol. edit 2: I am gonna do this too, to focus in on the void! Thank you!

When something appears from nothingness, you call it thinking when it disappears forever into nothingness, you call it forgetfulness And I guess not knowing you're god and all is rather a self-deception than a you forgetting something. It's like the ego has locked a door with deception to the realization, so you have to somehow do stuff to open the door and see what's beyond by unlocking the deception. I think working on a realization is just identifying the deceptions blocking your sight of that realization and eliminating them(well identifying itself eliminates them), either through intense bodily experiences from psychedelics or kriya yoga or other means, or through contemplation and meditation, etc. But you need to identify a path around the obstacles cuz usually you just come back from the realization back into deception out of habit, if you a path back to that realization established, you can go back as much as you want until you are comfortable enough to settle there. This as you know is called integrating your realizations

my ego traps are trying to be someone like Jesus, osho etc. especially after I start to cast out demons and start healing. even though I understood I am the son of God, I create a mental negative identification to become a Messiah like Jesus. Misunderstanding life is nothing. I misunderstood completely that what nothingness is. I renounce life like a monk, instead of living it with passion, love and others postive qualities. most of us don't understand what nothingness is. nothingness is for the ego not for the higher self. the ego will love to cling to something that, there is important thing out there. not taking care of myself. not doing everyday life responsibilities. not eating too much, not keeping hygiene, sleeping, obsessed with only Sprituality. judging and trying to change others. After seeing great changes in me, trying to point people to become like me, not understanding everyone is completely different than me. everyone change itself by its time, desire and need. almost I can say I fall on to more than half of traps listed out there. I wish Leo make a video about it. it is life saving. even the greatest master have fallen in to it. Jesus, budhaa, osho, Martin Luther King, gandhi all the greatest failed in ego traps. I would consider Leo too, especially suggesting the acceptances of phidophile.

Not knowing is the nothingness, knowing is the something, and the something is imaginary. After all, colors, shapes and the bubble are things, they are imaginary they can’t be God. This is obvious. The video is just a psychedelic ego trip, life is about living life correctly (with no fear/desire), and this is the end of the spirituality journey.

The Self!!! The void or nothingness is intelligent and can choose to identify with thoughts, or not. That´s my view at least @Someone here

@Swarnim Yes, it is not my intention with this practice to be awake 24/7. I have seen the nothingness, and I do self inquiry and use the deconstruction of reality with neti-neti in combination. I have a lot of "associations" of objects that I consider a thing. On that I am working too, I am also doing that with every suffering that occures, using shinzen youngs mindfullness methods. Unfortunately I am not aware of all the associations I have. An awakening into the nothingness can help I believe, but I'll exercise mindfullness with what I have now. Unfortunately It is hard to deconstruct every association of "bad pain" that occures, because it doesn't happen really often, and I don't want to deliberately hurt myself. I'll just wait for the suffering to happen, and not cause myself for harm than necessary, because I am more interested in relieving suffering than in truth atm. I have seen the nothingness and had countless awakenings. I want to "stabilise" and fall deeper into enlightenment in the now.

Absolute is nothingness. Everything is nothing as you, therefore everything is you. Because you are nothing. Additionally, you are experiencing this dream now because of experiencing something other than you, therefore you love it. Because when you are nothing, there is just you, just 1. Even understanding these words are love, because these words are you, i am you, wall is you. but loving your mom can be from egoistic perspective, because chair has no differences than your mom.

Key is Completely surrendering the self for any consequence. Because when you completely surrender so called mind will have no place to hold on. Than you start to see illusion more easily and deeply. At that moment process of thoughts, which comes from egoistic self will be a joke. No thoughts will appear from separate self, they will be appear as you, therefore moment becomes more peaceful, silence and love. Nothing will bother you because there is no such a thing that is different than you. Everything appear as you. Than permanent satori comes, so called mind will be gone. Nothingness sits in the moment as the same way you see your dreams. And you become aware that actually you are dreaming now, but real self is here, always here, right now. Because you are here. When you dont think you are the moment. Additionally, when you realize that your birth comes from knowing, if you never learn, you will be never born, and when you not know you are right before birth. There will be no so called mind left.

@JayG84 No. ‘Your phone’ is absolutely infinite being. There is no such things as a screen, language, or words. This is literally infinite being, appearing as, thought to be, a “consistent physical reality”. The nature of infinity has nothing to do with numbers, math, or any thinking at all. Thinking is illusory. You can break your phone down to the thought “phone”, thoughtless perception, and the feeling or sensation of it ‘in your hand’. The thought ‘phone’ is a sound, a vibration, mistaken to be a ‘word’ & ‘meaning’ that was learned and is reapplied when the sound (‘word’) ‘phone’ is heard, via the illusion of self & memory. The thought ‘phone’ is pure magic, appearing from nowhere and disappearing into nothingness, just like ‘perception’ is a vibration, a ‘word’, learned & meaning reapplied, which in actuality appears from nowhere and disappears into nothingness as well. There is no such things as words or perception. Even the experience of the sensation of the touching of the phone is that of electricity, ‘electrons’, ‘fields’, vibration, and never actually a ‘skin’ touching a ‘plastic’. There is, in the most literal sense, nothing. And there is not.

My results: 2 seconds of "nothingness" in total (not God) and merging with the perception of the hand a few times. Been really really grounded. However no eternity, no love, no reality is a dream, no illusion, no me creating reality, no concept shattered etc. I usually dismiss the nothingness really fast, because I had none of the above but I believe this was the nothingness very shortly. (defined by the thinning out of reality and no-self.)

I am just contemplating a little bit, feel free to tell me your POVs. The paradox of free Will. I got that there is no "decider" in the mind. The mind is not the primary thing that makes things happen. The mind can only fight itself, and it does so not because of free will, but because of circumstances outside of it's capacity to manipulate. So then, who/what decides? Religious people would say "the soul". With the realisation that the mind cannot do anything on it's own, not create anything but just react, it needs to be pointed in some general direction. But who/what points it? You guys point my mind into the direction of pointing the mind toward itself, because you realised that paradox, but if reality is not (pre)determined, and there is nothing "I" can do but to react in a way that my entire being didn't decide. I kind of (want to) believe, that the soul, the source, "god" or whatever, that formless thing decides the reality it wants to experience. So the mind has no other choice but to follow/react to "IT". The mind also somehow also seems not to be able to manipulate IT. The ego wants to manipulate the reality while realising the nothingness, but it just doesn't seem to work like that. So basically the mind either feels like a trapped slave, which desperately wants to have things go it's way, or realise the futility of trying to manipulate reality in a metaphysical way and just adapts as good as it can, because anything else would lead to suffering and nothing else. Now how does that change anything? It doesn't that's the best part of the paradox, there is nothing the mind can do to get out of it. Consciously doing the opposite to experience free will, is also an illusion, because without the previous experience of the paradox of free will, it wouldn't have tried to do the opposite, which is a purely reactionary action it takes because of the circumstances. The weird part is, while the mind ceases to try, there is a freedom that arises.

The story that's not a story: Reality/existence is the polarization of infinite interdependent dualities that have no existence in themselves. Every phenomenon itself arises out of another phenomenon that arises out of the first phenomenon timelessly, which is illogical -- they arise together but they don't actually arise at all -- this non-occurrence applies to every level of reality in infinitely interconnected web-like fashion -- nothing stands on its own -- that is voidness. There is no thing called void -- just boundlessness; unlimited inevitableness; unbounded nothingness; freedom -- not even that. Unconditional Love. It's so not-anything, that it isn't even nothing, so you get this appearance -- everything is not-anything.

One of his in his interviews he says that he didn’t think of anything after his last awakening. I dont know it is true or not. I agree. Psychedelics can definitely produce awakening. After consuming 10 gr dried shrooms, i was never back. If he has no thought process how can it affect him? Imo, he has direct experience of nothingness. And in nothingness there is no love there, it is just what you are. Even love is that something that we have learned, but nothing is what really we are, and there is no learning there just being. And We are already it. Additionally, in awakening there is no gaining, just being what you are. You can say you are love, however he has already realize his birth, identity and entire duality was just a thought process. When you are nothing, there is no you to gain anything. He seems already death, has no purpose, gave up and ignore so called life. Yes, i dont know why he still writes or talks. It doesn’t match with what he says and does. Or he does everything without any thinking process, such as when he get a question he answers without thinking or when he goes to refrigerator he just eats something that se is supposed to eat. Just directly. and i dont know it is possible.

@73809 Nothingness is pure consciousness. It has no substance because it is nothing therefore it could be anything , therefore is everything and absolute.

I'll explore this idea here. Is it true? what is true? That contemplation is answering questions... (there are two options now I either go to the "No it is not" route or "Yes it is" route) I choose... Yes it is. Contemplation is answering questions. Though that I made up and how does it make it any true? I don't know. Then answering your own questions is not contemplation. which means it's something else. But Am I not contemplating right now? No. I simply answered my own question. Doesn't it make it contemplation? Sure it does. it does make it true then. That contemplation is simply answering questions. And here I can disagree and agree with that statement, but what's the end result of that conversation? nothingness. or Somethingness. These dualities... right? ??

I already explained this to you like two months ago, but you were still stuck in the "emptiness/nothingness is the only true facet of awakening" phase. On another note, visual snow, tinnitus, and mild tracers aren't even hallucinations in my opinion. I've never been without them in my life. And they are actually quite useful. I suppose if it gets to extreme, such as Forestluv is suggesting, it can be a problem. @Forestluv Yes, I suppose that's a more metaphysical explanation for why babies are born screaming.

@The0Self But emptiness and not being grounded in anything are two different things. Grounded in nothingness is not the same as saying it's grounded in nothing. It's one, so it's on the grounds we share the emptiness. We might have different paradigms though. Mi casa es tu casa.

You read my answer and it seems like empty nonsense, I understand. the point is that my answer comes from direct perception. I have perceived with total clarity that under the illusion of this reality there is a timeless and dimensionless emptiness. absolute nothingness. but on the other hand, I see that that nothing in some way that I do not even remotely understand, generates this reality in real time. generates space and time in the precise present moment, since it is timeless. that's why I say: mystery

@iameternallife Yes I believe meditation will be more "letting awareness do it's thing" for now @Nahm I am sure it is not the absolute, it is not even the nothingness. By 'catch it', do you mean "be mindful and equanimous with it"? I don't know what's going to happen, the only thing I can do is observe, before letting new thought patterns create themselves.

That's what I just implicitly "understood": And it is the first time I am going to say the same "semantic confusing shit" all the other people that understand it said. I always saw what they told as a paradox, because it doesn't help to hear that "there is nothing you can do to awaken" A big thank you to @Nahm that led me to recognise that I identified as the seeker. And I finally went meta. So there it is: The Seeker never awakens, the ego can only realise the paradox of the "path to enlightenment", by seeing that the more you try to solve that riddle the bigger it gets. The harder you try, the harder it gets. The paradox of the paradox is that there is nothing the "I" can do or not do. There is not even a possibility to allow everything that happens to happen, because that is something the ego does to try to not fight with itself. But trying not to fight with itself is trying to do or undo something(which is also do-ing). So there is "not anything" you can do (or not-do) to either get to enlightenment. "Do nothing" is also not something you can NOT do, because it is just the opposite of the same coin. Meditation vs anti-meditation. I had a lot of "awakenings", but those were not the enlightenment insight. Realising the paradox of enlightenment right now, has not in any way shape or form changed my perception on the world, or how I feel (except freedom). "Now what can I do" is the thought that came up most often during the last few hours. Should I meditate now to get an awakening? Should I stop meditating? There is NO ANSWER. Not even do-nothing is the answer. There's not anything anyone can do in either way. The ego/the thoughts are not creative in a free will kind of sense. They are reactive, reactive to everything else that occurs including itself. There is no doing anything. It does so by itself. The seeker will continue to go the path, no matter how much it tries to do the opposite, it just fights with itself gets a few nice things a few bad things, but it can not get anywhere. "I am going to stop meditating, because there is nothing I can do" - But stopping is doing something. The mind can never ever get you anywhere. If this is the first time you hear something like that, and you want realise the futility of the ego trying to resolve itself, try to contemplate thoughts, thinker, decider, do-er etc. My mind now knows that there is nothing it can do or not do, or try to do or try not to do to get anywhere anytime. That's the paradox realisation I just had. Now I heard that this is enlightenment? Apparently it is enlightenment as long as I don't forget it, (and there is also nothing I can do to remember or to forget it). But I expected the nothingness to come up the second I realised that fully. Or heaven. Or at least ego death? I had those awakenings multiple times, without consciously realising, that the ego and seeker, were a strange loop of illusory self feeding identifications. So, now what for me? I know I cannot stop, I cannot decide, it's kind of deterministic in nature because the mind is reactive. And the seeker wants awakenings, but also knows now that there is nothing it can do. Is this enlightenment? Is this the realisation, that the thing inside of me always was enlightened? Can I now start a cult and confuse people with this? (jk but it would be hilarious though)

It is funny, I was just about to make a post about psychics, that I don't believe anything enlightened people say about the "objective" world. And That I needed proof for the paranormal, especially things about psychics. Things I don't consider paranormal anymore is synchronicity, even though I have absolutely no idea how that works or how this can be possible, aliens, and the healing power of the self. I'm gonna play the sceptic to show you the possible scam: Do you know that your crown chakra is wide open? Or do you believe it after she told you? That's not something provable. You know that everyone who even thinks about going to a psychic doesn't do it out of rationality, but out of curiosity and intuition. Everyone who goes to the psychic will say that what she mentioned about intuition/insight/downloading information/reading people's emotions. Would say that it is 100percent accurate to them. People who don't believe in the paranormal don't go to psychics, and even those who don't believe in the paranormal them have some kind of "paranormal" experience, they just forget it or think they were tricked by their own mind. Having visions is synchronicity, again I don't know what that is, but a lot of people experience it, it is weird, but it saying that there is synchronicity in your life, doesn't make me a psychic, and it doesn't make her a psychic either. If she had specifically mentioned that you had seen UFO's I would not have made that point. But I guess she didn't, or didn't directly read it out of you. Psychics also use a sequence of things, how you react to previous answers, to guess the next thing they can read out of you. For example (I of course don't know if that is the case) you told her that you have seen UFOS, and she tells you that your soul came from some kind of alien race, that was saved. If you agreed that you had visions of the past, she would have told you that you were a magician in Atlantis or some small deviation of that. Reading someone's personality, is a skill, but not a paranormal one. Some people are really good at it, she read you, not your soul. Or did she tell you something so specific like : your attachement anxiety comes from the fact that your grandmother left you 10 years ago after being diagnosed with lung cancer, and she chose to stay in hospice. I have made countless "soul travel" in a mild hypnotic state. It's just the mind creating them. However an enlightened woman I know claimed you can travel through dimensions when you let go of the nothingness, which is real. I doubt that, honestly. She once spoke russian while being asleep without having learned it. Not sure about if that's the case or just an illusion. Siddhis are also not proven to work by outside observers. I don't say real psychics are not a thing, I have just not seen anything that I would consider proof. Things that I would consider proof are specific things, you write down before on a sheet that are most important to you, and then you see if the psychic tells you those things specifically. If not then it's too general. Self proclaimed psychics all do their research before, those that do that, are scam artists and deserve to be fined for misleading people and scamming them. If someone here claims to be a psychic, then tell me what topic you would like to read from me, I'll write down a lot about the topic, and then compare it after the reading. And I am not paying any money for this experiment, if it works, we might find a way to make it provable and measurable in a quantified way.

I believe in nothing but I don’t know it. How do I know nothing limits the universe? That is belief. How do I know consciousness is nothingness? That is another belief. I jumped the gun on this post. I didn’t think about it deeply. I didn’t do the work myself.