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Somebody considering suicide might be inspired to do it in reading this. but do you care? And you are saying this but retreated from it yourself in your Outrageous Experiments video where you were virtually crying in part of it. You didn't go through with the death experiment so why are you encouraging others to? Would it be fascinating to watch someone else do it? That's love?

Hello guys, I need your help with a relationship. I'm confused. This is a long post but I'm writing this so you might read this and be able to give me some good advice. Short about me: I am 17 years old, been on this path for 3 years full time, taking a break from school. Meditation every day, getting rid of addictions, working on life purpose & self-love. I'm currently studying at home in high school in Sweden. How the relationship started: It all started about 6 months ago, I met this girl and we had a special connection She is 30 years old, I'm 17... We had met once before and we clicked, and now we met once again 6 months ago at a stage green hippie indoor event. Before I met her, I had been in a needy place, looking for girls as a way to distract myself, realizing my mistakes and trying to get onto the path again. But after this event, she invited me to her place which is about 100km's away from my home, she lives alone in this house and we clicked enough to have sex, and after that, I couldn't get her out of my mind. I was new to this, so I didn't place any boundaries on myself, but after we had sex the first time, as I laid there in bed with her, I kind of got sad and depressed, I don't know why. She is a yoga teacher, she has tripped on LSD a lot of times (mostly on festivals) she claims to have has several ego-death experiences, she has traveled the world, meditated for 7 years, done a lot of yoga, and now she has this wonderful yoga studio. She is full of love, she is quite happy, but not enlightened. Some traumas, being anorexic in her childhood, her father died when she was 11~ (suicide) and she didn't have a good relationship with her mom. She moved out when she was 16, independent from that point, to travel the world. Problems (Prelude): Basically, I thought about her all the time and I forgot about myself. I couldn't place boundaries on what I really wanted to do, and I used the relationship as a distraction and I enjoyed it. All moments with her was amazing, we clicked amazingly, it felt like we were going somewhere, ever deeper into our true selves, our emotions, etc. I really liked being able to get to know her more, being honest with her about my emotions, etc. But problems started arising as soon as I expressed my raw emotions to her, and that expressing those hurt her. Sometimes when I try to express my emotions, when I go into this process of just getting insights about my emotions, telling those insights to her without thinking, something with that really triggers her. It feels like I can't express my emotions to her! Like, being radically honest about my emotions in that very moment - wherever they come from, be it my traumas or something, it feels like she can't fully accept that from me, because it insults her, sometimes when I feel this bad emotion I just want to talk it out and I cant listen to her (its as if I have an unresolved trauma which I gotta get out of myself). She had many things she perceived in me that she glossed over, that was the thing that made her stay, maybe also the great sex. ------- Problems (Main): So, after like 2 months, she just wanted to push me away. We took a break for a couple of weeks, she had a dream about me, I wrote to her about how much I loved her, and so we got together again. 2 more months, I wrote an email to her that was based on stuff I fabricated out of my mind about who she is and why she does some things she does. She didnt like that. We had some phone calls where she really reflected upon me where all of this came from, and I just saw how much I have used her as a distraction. We took a break, more like a breakup, to love ourselves. These were a couple of really productive months for me and I feel more independent from that, I wrote many more things to her, but she was in her mindset that she is not gonna be with me. Then she took some LSD in the woods, and calls me a couple of days before the day we would meet - where I would get my stuff back and it would be over -, That she admits that there has been a lot of things within her that she didnt want to deal with that caused her to look away from me. I went to her place that weekend, and it was extraordinary. No sex. Now, we had a phone call where she hinted that she cant really invalidate all the strong feelings she have had about us not being together, that it is nice but that she cant give me any promises "so that we might get hurt". We talked on, and from being happy and having a nice day, I was overwhelmed with this same feeling of dread and sadness, as if I had some unresolved trauma just knocking at my insides, I dont know where this came from, but as soon as I tried being honest about my emotions, just being in the process or expressing everything that came by, I said something that insulted her, she got frustrated, it feels like this triggered the same stuff about how we dont click, as if her whole mindset about the relationship hinged on that very insult. What I feel (now after having talked to my mother): I do have my flaws, I probably have some emotions I have not dealt with, but it feels like she cant respect this. As if she wants to have only my good sides, and not myh bad sides. It feels like she has some ideal in her head about how a right man for her should be, she has mentioned how she just wants one who looks up to her. When my pain body comes along, it feels like it triggers her pain body which I assume is the source of her "Ideals", and as soon as try to go deeper into emotions and radical honesty, it doenst go well. I Have not given up on her because I can see how sweet it is on the other side if we just work sorting through our traumas and getting to know eachother much more. But it feels like the pattern will keep repeating itself, the triggers come back, I mean, who would wanna look at their traumas? It feels like she sweeps them under the rug. I also do this to a certain extent. But this is my first relationship, I just want to know more, learn more, go deeper, take those hits, learn the lessons, work on myself. But I cant be with her if I cannot express myself unconditionally and not be respected for that. My mother, she told me that it seems like she doesn't want to commit but because im 17 and I wanna go deep and all, she is too afraid to say no. Who am I to say no when this is my first relationship when I can see how sweet it can become? Who am I to say no when I have learned so much, when I have so much love to give? Read this: I just want to grow with her, be radically honest with her, getting to know her, celebrating life, and passion with her. But this rocky path we have in our relationship right now takes some introspection from both sides. I have this pain body, she has this pain body. I don't know if she is willing to go through this. We can live together if we are willing to make it work, but it takes some work. Please wake me up with something! I have no reference experience, I feel like I don't know anything other than my emotions. Help me. It feels like there is an elephant in the room which I'm not seeing.

Do all people who die go to Infinite Love/Source/God?Then shouldn't the death of somebody`s body be a celebration and not a tragedy that people believe it to be? Can you imagine the radicalness of this truth? All those who committed suicide, all those who were killed as a punishment, all those who died tragically, all this in fact was a gift and not a reason to be sad, it sure damn would be pretty radical for people to accept this. That even the most despicable of humans who lived their lives only serving their selfish desires and even the holiest of people who spent their lives living serving others... from the most extreme example to the opposite extreme example, all of them end up in the same place when the physical body dies, they end up in Infinite Love.

Proper preparation / studying is probably of uttermost importance if you want to waken up through psychedelics. Just taking a psychedelic alone is not gonna work for most people. I have listened to many teachers: Leo, Spira, Watts to name 3. I have read a good deal of books on spirituality. All this has helped a lot in attuning me. No doubt. I think suffering is nessecary too. I for sure have suffered a lot these last 5 years. I think if you are so "unlucky/lucky" to get a full-blown enlightenment without having an ego ready to "ground" it, then you'll probably lose it like that youtuber did. Losing it as in wanting to do crazy things like commiting suicide. If you have a stage orange ego and get a full blown God-realization you either have to be really open to change yourself or you can do the easy thing: completely merge with God/yourself (that is: "losing it").

@Preety_India First, good stuff, appreciate the long winded response, it’s probably gonna take me a while to chip through it but fuck it From my life experience, deductive reasoning and the evidence that has been presented to me, I have what I believe to be the truth And who are they? The fucking borg lol These guys aren’t a hive mind There a collection of different people which are united under the red pill really just because that’s what they identify as, the red pill is a very ambiguous term that many people see differently Who doesn’t like to fuck the occasional lamppost? Not gonna lie, reading this pissed me off lol So I’ve just come back after writing what I’ve written below and it’s quite a fucking lot, if I can’t be bothered to continue, I think there’s enough on the bone of whats beneath to set you rabid so I’ll probably come back tomorrow and respond to what you’ve written Social conditioning comes from society’s needs, “society was constructed for what men wanted”. Is that why dozens of young men throughout history have thrown away there lives in the meat grinder of war for there mothers, sister, daughters. Men love and die for there women and put there women above them, and that’s the expectation of men, to throw away there lives and go down with the ship to save the women, save there women even at the expense of fucking children in some cases. Here’s very simple biology that you should be able to grasp easily Ill start with an example When youre in the boys scouts, and you're being led through a rural wooded area, by some sort of authority figure/adult, for a day out. You will be told if you get lost from the group, to sit down and wait. Why? Because the group will realise that you're missing and retrace their foot steps to find you. If you instead panic and walk to try and find them, you may drift further away from them, you'll expel important energy. You might get lost more so. Women historically, for biological reasons, as they are more important for the promulgation of the species, have been more likely to be in a position were someone will come back and look for them. Men historically for biological reasons, as they are less important for the promulgation of the species, have been less likely to be in a position were someone will look for them. Why? Because for the continuation of the species men are less important than women. 50 Women + 50 Men = 50 Babies every nine months 50 Women + 1 Man = 50 Babies every nine months 1 Woman + 50 Men = 1 Baby every nine months So, continuing with the boy scout, lost in the woods scenario. Women will evolve through selection to be more dependent, collective, submissive etc... Men will evolve through selection to be more independent, individualist, dominant etc... As the woman will rely more on the group for survival. As the man will rely more on himself for survival. Now tell me what deductively is wrong with this logic? Don’t ignore this question, and isn’t it logical to assume from this, that this is the reason we have different traits and behaviours. You want to know the reason why we actually have social conditioning, culture and societies, because of our collective striving to fulfil our own biological imperatives, meaning what we perceive to be in our best interest from the primordial brain. This is where our values come from and why we impose on others certain rules as to maximise our own self interests. Time marked below is this video which links to the my point by Actualised.org. 50:20 time mark The prime self interest is passing on our genes aka the Darwinian imperative, that’s why we have society, it’s not some evil cabal for men’s benefit, and to believe that shows such terms utter ignorance and lack of human empathy to men that it is just gross, but really I don’t expect any better. And you know how you best insure you pass on genes, you prioritise women, and women delude themselves into believing that they’re not prioritised to make it just that much easier to insure that they remain that way. Women are more important for the continuation of the species than men, therefore every society has prioritised them throughout all of fucking history. And women collectively have evolved an innate solipsism and stockholm syndrome, where they will never grasp how men break their backs for their benefit. And men should never expect them to have empathy, because they’re in cable of giving it. “Women think in their hearts that the man business is to make money and it is hers to spend it” - Arthur Schopenhauer Theres a reason I asked you to do that experiment, because maybe you’d see the imposed social contract, and see that men by fucking far get a shitter deal, but no, somehow society is built for our benefit at the expense of yours. That disconnect from reality and the inherent entitlement that comes with that is disgusting. When I originally posted this I intended to only talk about the relational and sexual aspects of the red pill. That why I put it in this section. Not all of society but fuck it. You know why women collectively haven’t ran society ever, in all of human history, in every single country on the face of the earth. Why it’s always us evil men that do everything solely for our benefit and at the expense of yours. Because women are in cable of running society. They lack the testicular fortitude, no matter how much fish bicycle and karate cop girl you’ll never, reach the standard of men. “If civilisation had been left in female hands, we would still be living in grass huts” - Camille Paglia Heres a link to a webpage on Vervent monkeys, if you’re still reading and not frothing at the mouth https://phys.org/news/2016-11-female-monkeys-wile-rally-troops.html Female vervet monkeys manipulate males into fighting battles by lavishing attention on brave soldiers while giving noncombatants the cold shoulder, researchers said. As in humans, it turns out, social incentives can be just as big a driver for male monkeys to go to war as the resources they stand to gain from fighting, whether it be territory or food. "Ours is the first study to demonstrate that any non-human species use manipulative tactics, such as punishment or rewards, to promote participation in intergroup fights," study co-author Jean Arseneau, a primate specialist of the University of Zurich, told AFP. It's all about sex, the researchers believe. "Receiving punishment" for not taking part in battles "could damage the... male's social relationship(s)" with females in the group, the researchers wrote. Now why don't female vervet monkeys fight themselves? Because female vervet monkeys are the weaker sex, given sexual dimorphism because of this basic divergence of sexual importance to who is more important in promulgation. Why do female monkeys use sex and affection as rewards to combative monkeys? Because a female monkeys primary asset is her sexuality to other male monkeys. Because the way a male monkey best fulfils his mating strategy is via capitulation to the females. Women are the selectors and men are the selected. Men compete for women. Ans that competition keeps the gears of society turning. But it’s all for women, because there more important to keep this shit show in motion, if you think the vervent monkeys are stupid example here’s a human comparison, a comparison that clearly shows how us evil men made society to oppress the sugar and spice all things nice women. The white feather campaign, where women and feminists would go up to any man not in uniform and hand them a white feather of cowardice. Many of these men who were given the white feather of cowardice and could not enlist killed themselves from the shame, such as men who could not join the war for their disabilities committed suicide for example. Young men collectively shamed by women into going to die, be mutilated and gassed in trenches and foxholes for years. Side note - even the men who could enlist and were shamed into in a sense were too committing suicide by joining a senseless war. Here is an article below relating to this https://www.theguardian.com/world/2008/nov/11/first-world-war-white-feather-cowardice Now why is this, because from a biological standpoint, for man to best fulfil his mating strategy, he needed to, like the vervet monkey, maintain high social standing to have receptive mates. He did this via capitulating to women's demands to kill threats and to gather resources. Because as mentioned previously, women are the selectors and men are the selected. This reminds me of a study which shows men's brains are shown to prioritise sex over food. https://www.independent.ie/life/health-wellbeing/health-features/revealed-is-a-mans-brain-programmed-to-prefer-sex-or-food-34111684.html This most likely being because males who had higher sex drives and were more willing to prioritise sex over other needs were more likely to copulate and pass on those similar genes. "Man strives in everything for a direct domination over things, either by comprehending or by subduing them. But woman is everywhere and always relegated to a merely indirect domination, which is achieved by means of man, who is consequently the only thing she has to dominate directly." - Arthur Schopenhauer Women are along for the ride, men are in the drivers seat, but where driving where women want to go. Not for fucking men, that’s why some men have a low opinion of women, because they don’t deserve our respect, you’re not entitled to our respect, men intuitively know that they’re not entiltled to respect, that’s why they earn it, I respect people on an individual level, person to person, you don’t automatically get a high opinion because you have a cu** In dare you to endure the remaining minutes of this youtube video, I doubt that you can Well I’m done with this shit today, it’s 11pm and I got shit to do tomorrow, when I get an opportunity tomorrow I’ll respond to what you’ve previously written

Hey guys, I need some assistance. Your feedback will be much appreciated. So, after about two month of depression (April and early May) I have decided to not go that far (here I mean self-inquiry) because I was very depressed. My normal perception had changed. I was scared that if my feelings stay the same, I will commit a suicide (which is very unusual for me). It felt like I was going insane. I was even considered to see a psychiatrist. I was scared and confused. I literally had anxiety and this heavy chest feeling out of nowhere all the time. Then I went on vacay with my friends, lost awareness and it resolved on its own. I kinda let it go...and.... NOW! I have this crazy energy coursing through my body, like I am high, almost on drug. I want to clean my house all the time, to move all the time, to run, dance, I don’t know. Basically, it feels as I am in love (with nobody). It is a bit overwhelming. Physical activity helps me to calm down and when I am tired (after running) I feel like I am at a peaceful state. I am not sure what I am experience. Has somebody experienced similar thing? What to do with this energy?

I also find this very curious. Here in Brazil we have trully barbaric cops BUT, at the same time, we also have barbaric criminals, i mean, the type that would rip your head off with a machete if they want to. This means the cops HAVE to be tougher than the forces they are fighting against. People just don't realize this, cops are just humans, they are afraid, they are ignorant, they are underpaid and they are fighting a literal war every day, this fucks people up. I know a lot of cops who just went nuts, developed psychosis, committed suicide etc. It's the nature of the job, people are just oblivious to this, all they see are "bad guys".

Damn, I wonder what happens to those people who commit suicide?

If you suicide they will remain there, other people have committed suicide but I'm still here. "But if I were to go to that location, the tree, of course, would be lying on the ground, as if it had fallen." Maybe you're underestimating how much of reality is being dreamed up.

Well, I would like to see that information. So far, most sources I've followed through lead back to some random blog post by internet nutcases and charlatans, not any credible sources. I would welcome with open arms anything that challenges my belief systems, I only ask you provide proper objective evidence which is third-party verifiable. UFO believers and suicide bombers have the same fundamental mentality - believing in something without properly thinking it through. That comparison seems perfectly valid - if you can convince someone of believing so strongly of space aliens flying around in UFOs, you can also convince them that it would be a good idea to blow themselves up for the reward of 72 virgins in heaven. It's only a matter of commitment and time. Why not take a neutral position on the matter till someone posts a livestream on Facebook of a real UFO in 1080p resolution? I'm not controlling anything, UFO believers have the right to post whatever they want, and I have the right to call it out. "not including evidence of a degree" - Why did you add that last part? I'm curious. So you don't actually believe he got a degree from MIT?

@outlandish You obviously didn't read Caffeine Blues. If you're a fan of hard scientific evidence, you'll want to give that a read. Just to get a good balanced view. I'd be curious to know if you'd still be recommending coffee as a "health habit" after that By the way, these associations found in meta-analyses don't mean there is a causal link. If you're going to say that coffee reduces risk of suicide, then you might as well say that it increases the risk of lung cancer, because that association was also found in the study you cited

@Leo Gura Problem with psychedelics is that they are not safe for everyone and even when you have no mental illness history in your family, you may still be predisposed to it, you never know. At this point, I've seen 8+ reports of people really fucking themselves up through the use of psychedelics and I'm not talking merely about some very bad trip but a real mental illness that either causes somebody to commit suicide or takes years to recover from and in some cases they never recover. Even something as light as weed can cause years of serious problems if you're unlucky.

I used to take Lexapro for anxiety. I took it for 8 months before realizing what I was getting into. Exercising was so fucking hard on it and I didn't enjoy doing anything. I think that maybe I got even more depressed than before trying them. I only thought about suicide while on antidepressants(lol). After all that, I discovered that the source of my anxiety was caffeine and I just cut it for good. My psychiatrist said I could just drink coffee and that there was no problem After I stopped taking it I had like zero motivation or sex drive for one year or so. If I could, I wouldn't even take the first pill. No regrets though. If I haven't done that I wouldn't find psychedelics. I only started recovering properly almost 2 years later. I juggled with some nootropics here and there but with low success. Currently I started microdosing LSD to see where it takes me.

I really like Teal Swan. Her explanation of source, souls, and life being a thought is really cool. I actually thought of that on my own exactly just by trying to wrap my head around time not existing so it was cool to hear from someone with more experience. her videos on attraction and resistance are cool too. I think her videos are highly value able. She’s definitely authentic, I love when she laughs and giggles. Leo is way deeper into this but I think she is still a 1%er for sure. Could be wrong I don’t know either of them. Her videos feel like actualized.org videos from 2016 but with a different perspective which is fun to merge. the complaints about the suicide cult shit is kind of stupid. Someone definitely pulled the plug from misinterpreting Leo too I’m sure, this work is rough

What if they have evaluated it in their minds? Using far more information than you've ever considered on the matter? Sounds like dangerous thinking to you is anything that doesn't agree with your model of reality. In that same token, I can say your comparison of UFO believers to suicide bombers is dangerous thinking. Let people think what they want. If there's a consequence, you deal with it then. But do not try to control people at a thought level. That is dangerous.

OK Leo this is pure epistemological nihilism here. It's like an intellectual suicide. How you then progress into saying "your life is....". I'm sure you don't mean that everything anyone says is totally false except what you say!.

Hi Actualized-forum Back in 2019 I did 2 Ayahuasca ceremonies over the span of 4 days in a place somewhere on planet Earth. We were 10 participants, and there were 2 facilitators/"shamans" (not really shamans, but one of them had done a lot of training with a real shaman in Peru). There were 5 sober helpers as well. So very safe setting it felt like. A few days ago I finally managed to do a trip report of my two ceremonies. I shared it on the closed Facebook-group for the Aya-retreat-people. However, I thought why not also share it here. To stay somewhat anonymous I have deleted all names in the report. Warning: long wall of text ahead (3000 words). But it's good and I have read it through several times to fix the worst errors. Happy reading if you go on. TLDR: Ayahuasca changed my life for the better. <3 I finally wanted to do a “trip report” of my 2 ceremonies on *deleted* back in *deleted* 2019. The reason I have waited so long is probably due to the fact that the real work really happens after you have been shown all kinds of things by Mother/Spirit-Aya. And I have struggled a bit to integrate all the things into my life, and thus didn’t want to do a trip report until now, as I somehow felt it would be premature. Introduction A bit about me and my motivation to do the Aya-retreat: I’ve never done Aya beforehand. I’m 25 years old (24 at the time) and have done some other psychedelics, mainly LSD, which back in 2015 triggered my general “spiritual interest.” In the winter months of 2019, I had a really bad depression, where at one point I was basically at the last step before actually trying to commit suicide. I had it planned out and was about to do it but in the last minute my love my for my family stopped me (I didn’t want to burden them with the pain my death would probably create). Anyway, I got out of it and got to a much better place inside my head during the summer. I wanted to do Aya mostly out of sheer curiosity and a desire to understand myself and reality better. For spiritual and self-development reasons, I guess you could say. I was feeling fine mentally at the time, although struggling a lot with sleep issues (which also was one of the primary drivers of my depression back in winter). Because I also was so nervous about doing Aya, I slept for 0 hours the night before my first ceremony. Because I knew it probably meant quite a lot to go into the experience with a rested and clear mind, I was close to calling it quits. But my good friend, *deleted* – whom I travelled to *deleted* with – convinced me to get my shit together and get myself out of my door. I’m glad he did, lol. So yeah, when we finally got there, I was told by *deleted* to come up with an intention/wish for what I wanted to get out of the first ceremony. Because I was so worn out I think I wished for Aya fix my sleep problems (;D). And some other things (spiritual/self-development like I already mentioned). Luckily for me, my first ceremony was a great experience. I had feared it would be shit due to my lack of sleep. However, I’m sure that my experience would have been much more lucid and clearer if I had slept properly. Cos even though it was a great experience, it was also somewhat chaotic and confusing. First ceremony During the come-up I puked a lot. And I could early on feel that I was in a for heavy ride. I think I’m generally pretty sensitive to all kinds of psychedelics (lost my mind very, very hard on my first ever 150ug LSD trip, not in a pleasant way I should say). I just tried to relax, and the pre-meditation *deleted* and co. did with us definitely helped me stay calm. During the peak of the experience I felt what I can only describe as a “God-realization”. I realized that I was God, and I had a very strong feeling of omnipotence. I had very lucid internal discussions with myself/God/the Aya-spirit/”inner beings of my subconscious mind”. I felt very free as God. And I remember a desire to just stay in this space of God forever, not wanting to return to WaveInTheOcean. Wouldn’t it be easier to let WaveInTheOcean be (i.e. kill him/suicide) and stay as God 24/7? Soon after, however, the omnipotence was contrasted with my actual life as WaveInTheOcean, i.e. at first hand it didn’t make sense to me why I can’t find out how to sleep if I’m God, hehe. I remember I asked: “Why am I experiencing the life of WaveInTheOcean right now with all its struggles, both good and bad?”. The answer was: “Relax, everything is perfect, exactly as it should be. You/I have chosen to experience WaveInTheOcean because it is a unique, worthwhile experience like all other living beings are in the Universe. Yes, your life may not be all-easy, but a game isn’t fun if you set it on easy-mode. If it’s too easy, I get bored, if it’s too hard, well that of course isn’t that much fun either”. I was very satisfied with that answer, intellectually and emotionally. I agreed that WaveInTheOcean was a life worth living. It then felt like I consciously chose to continue the life of WaveInTheOcean. (When we get born into life it always feels like we didn’t have anything to do with it. So now, to be able to sort of freely choose to live on as WaveInTheOcean – that felt nice!). I then remember a strong presence of “two beings” (I couldn’t see them, only talk with them) that were able to do two things: 1. They could show me whatever I wanted to know, as long as I promised to be a loving and honest person. 2. They could reprogram my subconscious mind if necessary. (3. They had a lot of fun with me and mocked me a bit for my general ignorance of things, however they were benevolent, clearly). I remember being shown some – perhaps basic, perhaps advanced, what do I know – spiritual insights of love. That the most important thing in reality/the universe is: Love. By extension of this insight I was then shown one of my little brothers in front of me. His face, his personality, I saw it clearly. And right thereafter I was, as ‘Consciousness’, “thrown into him”. I became him. I took on the mask of my brother. For a brief moment I experienced exactly how it is to be my little brother. This showed me that the raw experience of being another person is exactly the same experience as being me, WaveInTheOcean. All that differs is the “dreamlike”-content of the mind/ego/personality-structure. Even though God-realizations/Oneness-realizations sometimes perhaps can feel very lonely (cos you see that only God exists and that you are God), close to borderline solipsism, this experience was the complete opposite of solipsism. Yes, I and everything may be God, and nothing is not-me/not-God, but that also means that every other person is “me”/God tricked into believing it is not-God, but instead a living human person. Anyway, I may be rambling and struggling to put it into words, but it was beautiful to say the least. Anyway, these two beings I was in contact with, I then begged them to reprogram my subconscious mind in order to make it easier for be to fall and stay asleep. It seemed like they obeyed and did their work. I don’t know how this works, but after the ceremony I slept like a baby and felt pretty refreshed the next morning. (Currently in my life I’m sleeping pretty well. There have been setbacks, like, I had a minor depression in winter 2020 as well where I also slept like absolute shit. I have later thought about how this reprogramming may be a work-in-progress, because ultimately speaking, it is *I* who is doing the reprogramming. And I know now that I sleep much better the more relaxed/at peace I am with myself/reality). Anyway, that was my first ceremony. A very mind-blowing experience, unlike anything I had ever tried before. It really felt like I dug deep into my subconscious/the underlying source code running my mind. I laughed a good bit under the experience as well, cos it was also fun. During the trip it just felt like everything about reality made absolute sense. Everything was fine. And yet I didn’t really understand it, either. And that was the fun part, I suppose. Second ceremony – Intro Well, the second ceremony was a much more intense and deeper psychedelic trip. Before I get into that I would like to mention that I did the kambo-frog-medicine the morning before the second ceremony. That was a very unpleasant experience, lol, but I also remember feeling very grounded and grateful after the intense flu-like feeling had vanished. I puked a lot during the kambo. I didn’t puke at all during the second ceremony. And I had a bigger cup of Aya than during the first ceremony, so naturally I went deeper, and the trip was a few hours longer. I was much calmer and more rested before the second ceremony. Second ceremony – Hypersexual phase The first phase I enter after the initial come-up is what I would like to call the hypersexual phase. I had a really, really strong connection with my sexuality and libido, and I remember feeling very horny -- in a spiritual way perhaps, lol, cos it was all in my mind, there wasn’t much blood down there=D. I remember having strong visualization/closed-eye visuals of me having sex with some persons in my life. It also felt like – in some ways – that I had sex in a spiritual plane with one or two of the women in the hall, haha. I was just lying on my mattress the whole time. This ceremony in general had a very strong feminine vibe over it. I felt a feminine presence around me showing me what good sex could be like, haha. And that sex is very natural and a “good” thing (not that I had any real doubts about that before, intellectually at least). I felt like Mother Aya mocked me for not having enough sex in my life, since she could clearly see that sex is actually pretty important for me / something I enjoy quite a bit. Second ceremony – Childlike phase Anyway, that was interesting enough. I then enter the next phase which I would call the child-phase. I basically became a little child (4-5 years old of age I’d say). My sexuality is thrown out of the window and I have never in my adult life felt so ‘pure’ and ‘innocent’ before. I had no real grasp of what right and wrong is. And EVERYTHING is exciting. I’m touching the walls around me with great joy, moving a lot with my body on the mattress, touching all of my body parts, hitting myself in the head for fun, making all kinds of funny noises with my mouth, laughing a lot, watching my hands make movements in the air. My body and everything just feel immensely fascinating to me. When some of the helpers try to calm me down by touching my feet and saying “shh”, I remember feeling rebellious and just wanting to act out even crazier. However, somewhere deep in the back of mind, a voice tells me “Relax, WaveInTheOcean, you’re high as fuck on Aya”, so I don’t react to all the child-like impulses. I, however, have massive amounts of energy in my body, and I feel like screaming for fun and even go out and run around the building. I didn’t do that, however, hehe. During this child-phase, I have been absolutely stripped – as much as possible – of all social conditioning. I feel like I simultaneously “know everything” and also nothing at all. I haven’t learned how to behave as an adult. But that also made me feel so pure, innocent and free. This experience clearly showed me how much of one’s adult personality is due to social programming from adults and peers in one’s childhood. Currently, I’m working as a helper in a day care center (I hope to study psychology in *deleted* this summer), and this experience really helped me understand the kids on a new level. I have since this experience felt it’s a lot easier for me to view things from a child’s perspective. This experience also showed me how important it is to listen to the inner child inside us. Of course, it has to be controlled and tamed, but you also have to listen to it and give in sometimes, otherwise your life will get boring and your inner child will become depressed. Second ceremony – Peak experience After this child-like phase I enter the peak experience of the ceremony. I experience an overwhelming sensation of pure ecstasy in all of my body. I have never tried anything like it before. My whole body began trembling/vibrating. It was almost too much. Right after this intense energy surge/body-trembling I enter an extremely clear headspace where I get a deep realization of now having woken up to a new reality, where I can see everything in a much clearer light. I remember thinking: “Now you have woken up, WaveInTheOcean. You will not understand this later when you get sober”. I got a deep intuitive insight telling me that everything that have happened in my life up to this point was so that I could experience what I’m experiencing right now. Nothing in life is random. Everything that happens, even though it may seem extremely twisted and at first “not-good” is ultimately happening due to and out of: Love. Life is a love-simulator: How loving can you be, towards yourself and others? And you will get hard-tested in mysterious ways, don’t doubt that. During this peak-experience I felt relaxed and at peace, like I haver never in my entire life felt before. It was a deep relief. A deep realization that everything that happens is God’s will. Nothing is happening without any deeper love/wisdom laying behind it. Everything is perfect. Everything is exactly as it should be, and whatever happens from now on will also happen exactly as it should happen. Every time I feel sad or depressed about something in my life, I always try to remember this feeling I had back in *deleted*. That everything is going to be okay. I’m so grateful that I have experienced this. Second ceremony – Return to my sober self (still tripping though) After this peak experience I slowly began returning to my ego-headspace of WaveInTheOcean. But I could still feel I was very much under the influence of DMT-molecules bouncing around in my nervous system. At one point I got caught up in a very dark headspace. It was like “adult WaveInTheOcean” was returning to my experience, and this was a very sharp contrast to the child- and peace-like feelings I had previously just experienced. My sexuality has returned, although not in a hypersexual way, just in a very normal way. And I’m now again very conscious of what is right and what is wrong. Social conditioning is back up and running. This scares initially the shit out of me, this returning to my ego. I became very aware of all the other people around me in the room, and the self-critical “WaveInTheOcean” had returned with full force and was wondering if I was “a good enough person” and if it was wrong of me to have just experienced what I had experienced. I sit up on my mattress and look around like a scared child. My eyes meet a helper, xxxxx. She instantly sees that I need a hug and I crawl over to her and hug her. It was amazing to be in your embrace for these few minutes. Thank you, xxxxx <3 You calmed me down a lot. I then lay down on my mattress and close my eyes again and the trip begins to take on a very practical-oriented focus. How can I integrate into my life what I had just been shown? How will it change me? How should I change? I also start reliving some periods of my life in my head. I soon start crying a lot, even having trouble breathing. I relive my depression last winter and it becomes obvious to me how close I was to killing myself, and how badly I mistreated myself (negative thoughts and so on). I really see how far out I was. It feels very nice crying and just letting it all out. I cry as I beg for forgiveness towards myself and some of my family/friends I have hurt in my life. I say “sorry, sorry, sorry” several times as I cry. Another helper comes to me, yyyyy, and she supports me in letting it all out. She says that “whatever you have done, Mother Earth forgives you. Give it to her”. And I do. Thank you, yyyyy <3 At some point I was done crying and I just feel so much peace inside myself. I’m still tripping a bit, but not a lot. Before I go to sleep, I think more of how I can use this experience to change myself for the better. Among other things, I realize that I have to be more vulnerable, more honest, more loving. I realize that I have to take better care of myself in some ways. That taking properly care of yourself is the best way to living a happy life. I also realize that I have to let go of some of my OCD-tendencies/inner control freak. It’s okay to let go of control some times. Everything is going to be fine, no matter what happens. As a person I often have a hard time getting started with something new in my life, because I want everything to be perfect before I begin. I realize you sometimes just have to let go of that and just fucking do it. Like I did with this trip to *deleted*. Everything is perfectly imperfect! I also saw how pointless it often is to worry about what other people think of you. As long as you stay true to yourself and your own values. And how important it is, again, to give space to one’s inner child. This inner child contains a lot of energy that you can use if you open up for it. Use it consciously. I also saw that even though all patterns of behavior are “fake/programmed” they still serve a purpose. Namely the purpose of staying civilized while being with other human beings. I see social programming/conditioning as a sort of “technology” (that can be used in both good, conscious ways and bad ways). Just don’t overdo it. Be free as well. Open. Conscious. Loving. It’s a balance. Final thoughts Today I’m still really grateful for the two ceremonies and I look forward for a 3rd and 4th ceremony on *deleted* to see what else Aya has to offer. The atmosphere at *deleted* felt so nice – a perfect balance of both a relaxed and a serious ‘vibe’. And *deleted* and *deleted* and all the helpers and the music really helped me to feel safe all the time. Today I have never been happier in my life. I know what I want, I take care of myself, I have more confidence and I feel more at peace with myself than ever before. And I have now done a lot of the things I told myself I’d do at the end of the second ceremony. I’d say that today I’m more vulnerable, more loving, more open, while at the same time feeling very grounded in myself. I finally -- after many years of hesitation and pressure from friends -- created a Tinder profiler 1 month ago, and on my first date I met a girl, who I already feel like is a potential soulmate (there are many weird coincidences here, but then again not so weird anymore, hehe). But it’s not that my happiness is dependent on whether or not this blooming relationship actually becomes something serious or not. Either way I’m happy just to have met such a girl. I have also recently contacted an old friend, finally. And yeah, I just appreciate life so much these days. I have to lastly include that during the corona-lockdown I did a few 2CB-trips (2CB is LSD’s little brother I’d say). They were all very healing, especially 2 of them had strong “Aya-vibes” in them, and they really deepened the insights I got under the two ceremonies on *deleted*. So that helps:D Thank you *deleted* <3 Especially thanks to *deleted*, *deleted*, *deleted* and all the helpers and participants who helped making my first *deleted*-trip unique and special. And thanks for reading if you made it this far. <3

I know what you feel, I've been there. Wanting to follow someone you can trust to avoid falling for the same traps that same person is falling into. Isn't that trust just a trap though? Does it matter who the insights come from or does it matter whether the insights are true? If you want to assume the insights he give are true without questioning them and feel safe because you consider him woke then you aren't doing the work. It's like considering ourselves like childs and acting like a parent who wants to know whether that person will be a good source of influence or not. This is not about behaving like Leo. This is about detaching from assumptions and reconsidering things based on experience. If Alex Jones would give you the ultimate insight in life you are missing out currently, would you reject it just because it comes from Alex Jones? Personally, although all of what is going on with Leo right now I find he still delivers insightful content once in a while. I just hope they won't find him dead in his bathtub someday because he mixed up suicide with awakening.

@carlowillo That's good to know, because I think there really is something to the phenomena. It's such a shame really, that so many charlatans take advantage of it. I'm sure there are definitely at-least a few serious people looking at this scientifically, amongst the sea of nutcases in the 'UFO community'. In any case, thanks for linking me the article and the website. I'll look into them and try to be as open-minded as possible. The frustrating part for me is the fact that such a conjecture should be obviously true - there SHOULD be advanced space-faring civilizations out there, flying around, visiting the Earth, trading with us etc., which is definitely a far more exciting reality, yet, there seems to be no solid evidence. @DivineSoda The point is not that thinking "UFOs are real" is dangerous. The point is, believing something strongly without evaluating it in your mind is dangerous. Terrorists and suicide bombers literally do this. It leaves you vulnerable to manipulation. I know some people personally who, when injected with an idea, put it through their own personal mental filter and give out a processed, unique version of the same. Such people, whom I greatly respect, are a true testament to the power of the human mind. Also taking a neutral, non-conclusive position on such matters - "It may or may not be true, I don't know yet. Let me try and find out.", is an excellent way to live as well.

She said: what suicide is is pushing reset button. Consider that majority of her followers are unstable people, that can be huge trigger. In video at 7:18 woman asked her about encouraging suicides, look at her facial expression when answering. What kind of devilry is playing here?

A friend of mine had serious depression issues. He even tried hurting himself and has contemplated suicide. These are some of the things that helped him: Getting a dog, cat, or any pet. It makes you responsible and gives you a taste of non-judgemental love and caring. Pick up a hobby in your free time, like painting, dancing, music. There should be no pressure to get better; this should be purely for fun. Talk with at least one friend very honestly and openly about the problems. Cut out all content that causes anxiety and sadness: Social media, TV, News. At least for a few weeks. Cheers!

Life is much more than survival, but I understand your question. In the context of survival, I'd say suicide is the decision that you're not going to be able to survive your suffering no matter what, and you're "cutting your losses" so to speak. The avalanche is coming, so you'd rather just get it over with relatively painlessly than die a slow, agonizing death in the avalanche. But the reason why suicide is senseless though, is because you CAN survive the avalanche. You CAN survive all the pain you're going through, if you simply brave the storm and change the way you view it. Because in truth, there is no storm. There is no suffering. Just as you choose happiness, you choose to suffer.

Suicide is some kind of waste cleaner mechanism. Your DNA assumes the fitness of the whole will increase if you disappear. It assumes you increase entropy too much (individuals like you are a threat to the survival of the system of life) . But of course it is not well adapted to modern life and uses low level indicators.

Survival is not about the physiological body, but the "self"/illusion you are clinging to. If you identify with an entity which desperately tries not to suffer, that's when you consider suicide at some level of suffering. You can either kill yourself physically or desidentify "YourSelf" from "your self", it may be the same in the end. As Leo says: "Suffering is survival" (or survival is suffering), the moment we identify with something relative, finite, the dissolution is pre-programmed. The moment we construct meaning into "something"/our self, its dissolution feels like the basis of reality falls apart. "Not existing" is the ultimate fear (of the unknown), since even god never experienced it and doesn't know completely how it actually feels like. So if the basis of reality seems to fall apart, you dissolve and every meaning evaporates, that's the moment when fear has its peak, which is the most suffering. I guess a person commiting suicide is already in a state of such a suffering that the fear of ongoing suffering trumps the suffering of facing the dissolving of ones own body. There is probably an intuition that it's not completely over, since it is impossible to imagine not existing/non-existence. The belief in the (remaining) awareness which ends the suffering through suicide is bigger than the belief in a meaningfull existence within a body that suffers that much. That's my guess.

Suicide is of course just more of survival. It's a seeking of relief from suffering.