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After some events in my life I had an extensive insight about myself. This insight kinda formed in multiple parts and some of it is extremely depressing and some of it is extremely relieving. First of all. My joy of playing guitar and recording/composing is under constant threat, due to a few people who want to make my life "hell". I can't touch the instrument consistently or for long periods of time, and I don't think I would even find an appartment for that, like ever. Knowing what kind of obscure music I would like to produce and just about how much time I would have to spend to track the instruments and spend time with the instruments. And all that for 10 people listening. And I want to play nothing else than my stuff. Its that or nothing. Second thing is the fluid identity due to personal development and some basic enlightenment work. I can acquire the tastes I need for more practical work that needs to be done. Doing something that the world actually physically needs to benefit the collective. I am talking about things like recycling, working around charity, poverty, education of such topics e.c.t., my selfish desire for that music I would like to produce is not what we need in the world if there are too many miserable people due to their inabilty of survival. I really can drop the desire of music, because I underestand that, first of all - the problem of regret is a fiction, because you don't really underestand live and are somehow navigating it making decisions big and small, so why do you spend so much time projecting a different outcome - that is delusion literally. And will sometimes feel regret when you have a bad mood. "Ohh, I wish I did the thing A, when I chose B and the other way around." The actual happiness is another component or more like a basis on where you should act. I don't identify with any desire or dream too much, because I distinctly know the actual bliss is not too much related to action, but more like with what ideas you cherish about you, or maybe none at all. Due to this experience, If you direct your desire into something and due to clarity, you are more competent on doing so, because there is less wavering, then basically anything you do will be just fine over time if you commit to it and with self-purification alot of grudgery will be in balance and in taste with you. Having said that, I would rather look for what I need and what the world needs. I need to be more established in myself to solve the problem of lifetimes while nobody around me has any idea about it, and to sit for long hours and self-reflect, will require for me to quit music. And the world obviously needs joyfull and blissfull people who retain the capacity to be happy and productive no matter what garbage you put on them. Third thing - too much enlightenment work too fast (maybe). The moment I underestood the notion of such a thing and what experience it creates, and that it deepens, then really the only consistent thing above all, especially as a response to suffering is just to sit and keep quiet and work on my freedom. I have had such experiences completely sober, and it is happening more and more, especially in days where I sit for longer times by myself. Even tho I get lost and distracted I inherently know of more and more what to do. So more relentlessly and frociously over anything else I want to do just that. The experience created literally makes me feel free like nothing else. Another thing is - desire and delusion. This is fairly simple, you will never ever satisfy your desires for something, you will just keep wanting more and more, you will take more and more bodies not knowing why and keep desiring, my question for that is, what is the point of that. And another one - the deep problem of knowledge and memory - this will leave you wanting for enlightenment and dropping everything else if you are internalizing this constantly. The problem is this - no matter what you do, will it have any point of reference? Can you retain that achievement, event or experience, and for how long. It has been said that we are threading along 6th human civilisation after wiping it out 5 times, millions of years till the modern human and billions of years of the universe + the cycles of the universe before that. Do you remember where you came from? Before this birth maybe? Do you even remember last 10 years, 1 year, 1 month or yesterday as it really happened? Already some corrouption of immagination has entered those. What meaning will your years of success and achievements will mean whatsoever when the continious suffering will anyway happen because of internal unfullfillment due to trying to extract maximum pleasure of life and projecting expectations and delusions how life should be, while you don't know anything about yourself and life really, no matter how much knowledge you have; the knowledge you have will anyway fade away and you have to use your mind to have it but the quality of cousciousness will be there for you as you at least. So 99.9% of us are running for desire, not knowing why, what for this creation, what are they for and the obvious fact that no matter what they do, they can enjoy that for a very limited time and they can't take anything earthly with them, including everything percieved as sensory experience. Having said all of that, I am kinda more and more done. Freedom is what is consantly in my mind, the strive for self-purification is all I want, everything else is just more suffering. I don't mind doing something to survive, I can self-reflect there also, but I don't think I will be doing anything extra, unless I really feel that the world needs it. I also disagree with Leo with the fact that spiritual masters are not always happy. 99% of the time they are in my observation. Maybe even 100%. The grace of such beings reveals it to me, their attitude of not taking life seriously to an extraordinary measure show the depth of th capacity of dynamic happiness, that is reflected in their bliss. Then I would ask Leo, about acessing higher states of consciousness sober. And single sentence phrases like I am dreaming all this stuff up or states of consciousness are immaginary as everything else does not count.

When the ever expanding and unlimited real self (ATMAN) of a Human Being his/her SOUL is mistaken as something limited and static it can be termed as EGO or self-identity. What is this "ever expanding" self, what is the point of it? The point of this ever expanding self is to become one with, what you can say GOD. The finite becoming unlimited/infinite ultimately realising both are same. Now from where that mistake is ever arising? It's arising within the ingnoramus, the whole point of being a finite individual, the DHARMA of every finite individual is to progress from that finite stage to a stage which has no limit which you might term as INFINITY, and the whole point of realization along the way is to realise that for which an individual is striving for, is no other than what he already is, now with that said shouldn't stop us at the very beginning saying when it's 'ME', what's the point of going down the way, also it's like asking What's the point of living life? Now that I'll leave on the individual, what else will he do if he is not ready to live his/her LIFE? The point to realise is that when you say/term something as infinity or understand the ever expanding self, that in itself has all sorts of pain and failures waiting for you down the road, it's surely not going to be all ROSES, suffering is as real as happiness or being good or living in bliss is. I advocate the philosophy that our ego is never static, it is dynamic and is ever changing, the more you learn the more flexible/mature it becomes the less you learn the more stubborn it becomes. The more you move from Ignorance(even that is not static) to knowledge the more flexible you'll become and thus becoming more "grounded" in your real self. There is some problem in this statement itself, There's nothing to grasp in the so-called direct experience, What do you mean by Direct Experience? If you, me or anyone had experienced something "Directly" , why such doubt then, and what's there to 'GRASP', it is what it is, which is direct is DIRECT, no explanation is demanded/required thereafter. If you had to begin with your Spiritual Teachings and teach an ignoramus, and if you start with- "You are not what you think you are, this Ego/Body", haha, this is like telling a noob mountain trekker to trek Mount Everest, this is like hitting him/her on his/her head repeatedly and forcefully commanding that you are going to trek Everest today itself, either you do that or you know nothing or you are NO good, But in actuality when you say "Direct Experience" it is to first experience the ground where you are either standing or sitting on, primarily, then we shall move forward, first and foremost thing is to accept that I don't know, and this limited self EGO/SELF INDENTITY is what I currently AM, and I'm going to seek my higher self, first and foremost thing is to embody your finite being, your EGO, then only you can make the case to nurture it for a more mature one and ultimately realising that from where you started and whatever stage you will be on, is no different but the same from where you started,in the sense that you must become as directly conscious of the fact of being an EGO as being a GOD. As for thoughts and memories these are just concepts, I like to see memory as the storage device(non-volatile) on my smartphone which I can visit whenever I want to access my stored files, this function in the brain is performed by synapses, the whole idea of past, present and future of TIME in general arise from here, this is as per what I have read until now in certain theories. Whereas thoughts are just like notifications in our smartphones (volatile memory). Personality is just another fancy concept, I won't go deeper into it and will end by just saying, the word came from the early 20th century: Latin, literally ‘mask, character played by an actor’. Even playwrights wrote whole lot of plays in antiquity in and around a particular characters, different characters in different plays, but the writer being the same, these are the roots of the term PERSONALITY, the term sounds cool, huh.

@Javfly33 ? i had some pretty bad ego backlash myself.... It took me weeks before i could even function properly. Of course i could have also just went and lived in a cave and meditated 24/7 and bliss out rather than going back to my job and society....;)

In Abrahamic religions, there's not much emphasis on Karma as in this realm. Everything will be settled in the afterlife by Allah, the Just. People always used to object to prophets about Karma, I suppose that's because it was the popular belief back in Purple societies before Abraham. At some point, people started waking up to the fact that Karma is impossible to prove and that it goes against direct experience. People saw criminals who actually got away with their crimes and lived in materialistic bliss, and they also saw poor people who were oppressed and tortured with no one and nothing to consolidate them. Karma - that popular Purple belief - stopped making sense. And they had to come up with Allah and the afterlife.

What do you guys think about this video? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7xUhykPHgkc Have any of you experienced it? I did, and here are my thoughts about that topic: It was my heroic psilocybin dried mushrooms trip (11-12g). The first part of it was just pure bliss, ecstasy, gratitude that I can experience everything, that I can sense, feel, hear, wow, my mouth was opened and I was just crying out of happiness. The second part of my trip was "a little bit worse". I've seen the so-called "the Void". It was horrifying - an endless strange loop, that is stuck with itself, within itself, forever, since always and it can never escape itself because there's no place to run. We, as God are just lying to ourselves, to then convenience ourselves it's not the truth, we are deluding ourselves that we are human, just to escape ourselves, and so on. My question is like this - if (as Leeor says) both of them are true, what is the Truth, really? Is it like - there is just emptiness, the void, the paradox, the loop, the silence, that just amuses and is deluding itself with endless stories, endless realities because it's better than this horrifying Void? Basically - are we living in a fucking Matrix? It's like being conscious of the fact, that we are just a high as fuck dude, that thinks he's a Jesus Christ or something when in reality he's just a deluded high as fuck dude. Greaaaaat, that's what I was looking for my whole life?

@neutralempty Yeah imagination is much more nuanced than people realise, memory and intelligence, also nuanced, naturally overlap with imagination and imagination they, but they're not synonymous, this is a geometric interplay, its not as simple as saying its "all imagination", not even that its "all intelligence", although its more the latter its not from the strictest sense because there are things that both memory and imagination do in the context of both one another that are arguably not all that intelligent, though some of those things may still be useful to specific forms of imagination and memory itself. For the former, level of detail has a bottleneck regarding its utility for intelligence, after a certain point the extra detail isn't going to aid in the context of problem solving but for the sheer value of creating a realistic experience that augments our perceived consciousness it does, and thus may have both pro's and con's for our psychology. The same too for hyperthymesia or "superior autobiographical memory", given this isn't coupled with processing power, its utility is proportionally useless, because of course the more processing power you have the more useful having more memory becomes, while at the same time having at least an average memory is useful across all scales. Unless you've been socially ousted by your peer group in the 1300's for stealing a loaf of bread so now you'll be beheaded, the less you remember about the incident and the upcoming beheading even during the process perhaps the better off you'll be from a general happiness perspective. This is of course how popular, albeit idiosyncratically typical to a bemusing culturally impoverished society, adages like "ignorance is bliss" came to light. Interpreted properly, its not that ignorance is bliss, its that someone just has an easier time of forgetting the pain, but the pain is still there nonetheless unless they're being cared completely for by social nets. To the contrary, all things held equal, although it can be a double edged sword, in many instances in light of the suffering and realignment people need to go through, the lack of imagination is most certainly not bliss in these instances, the ignorance (+ capacity) of which often comes at the cost of recovery. Just as its been postulated that virtual reality can be a form of treating people with various phobias to other so too the harnessing of or building of a powerful imagination for strategic self-interested, self-actualising purposes.

@Adamq8 This message gives me a lot of hope. I like how you said "deep down you know", because it feels like this is something I can't forget, and additionally like its something I've always known. When I was in the middle of the bad trip, its like I knew that I was always this awareness and I would tell myself "you can always come back to this" and "you have always been this", and I experienced the infinite cycle of forgetting and remembering the ultimate truth about who I am. My reactions to that experience are ones of lonely oneness and despair, but I hope that with time I can flip those reactions into connected oneness and bliss. I'm still very uncertain, but your words give me hope that there is light somewhere in this dark void. Thank you.

I feel you, bro. Once you go through a certain point, there is no going back. Metaphysical realizations tend to be scary at first, all you need to do is do your best to integrate it. Practice presence, like you, are in the center of a hurricane. Doesn't matter what happens, just practice presence, acceptance, and love. I am also in a place where Reality became so fluid it is scary like i am perpetually in a microdose of shrooms or something. It is hard to ground myself in such a fluid context but what can i do besides continue to try? It is not like you have a choice like it was said to you: you are falling, groundless, you can scream in despair or you can bliss out in pure acceptance. Think like this: how would a Master Zen or Buddha deal with this situation? Have you ever thought about the perspective of a spiritual master? Do you think he lives in a groundless reality or a material one? He is probably experiencing a constant mindblowing Reality but keeping his shit together by flowing with it as a non-stop meditation practice.

Depressing dark nihilism, I experienced earlier today. Similar to the dark night of the soul that I had experienced 5 years ago. When I look back at my life, all the physical troubles that I went through pale in comparison to the psychological troubles. I've had my share of both kinds but believe it or not, physical suffering is nothing compared to the psychological. Even though it may seem like quite the opposite. When you talk about it; words don't do justice to either of them. When I talk about physical suffering, people think it's terrible, catastrophic, and unbearable, when that would actually be an exaggeration. It isn't really horrible as it sounds. On the other hand, psychological suffering is really, really, really terrible. I can't stress that enough. It's always underestimated, and sometimes it's literal hell, no kidding. Because most people don't experience the most extreme levels of psychological suffering, such as the dark night of the soul, people tend to assume that physical suffering is the worst thing that can happen. Physical suffering is much easier because it's affected by your beliefs about it. You can endure hardships if you have certain beliefs about reality. You can make physical sacrifices. You can even enjoy the pain sometimes. Think about ISIS soldiers and how they live in the worst physical conditions there is as a form of Jihad. They don't feel bad about it. They actually believe that they will be rewarded in the afterlife, and that makes all the suffering disappear. I've been a Muslim and I know how beliefs work. However, psychological suffering is very different. When your beliefs about reality break apart. When your whole world comes crashing down. When your mind becomes your worst enemy. Even if you have everything and all the money and power in the world, you will not be able to buy your way out of it. The mind won't take bribes. The slave becomes the master. It will torture you. It will humiliate you. It will make you submit against your will. You won't even know what's happening, and you cannot avoid it. For me, it was brutal. On top of all my physical suffering and several years of depression, a hearbreak, a realization of no free will, and an internal conflict between theism and atheism, an existential crisis took place. That was the worst thing I have ever experienced. I don't remember how long it was, but I do remember that I wouldn't wish it to my worst enemies. Endless suffering with no one there to help me out. I would wake up at night and cry sometimes with a terrifying fear of death (there were no lights most of the times due to the electrical damage caused by the war). I would wander in the streets, and look at the moon and the stars and wonder in pain: Why the fuck?! What do you want from me?! Why did you create me if you're gonna torture me?! I was never suicidal, but I wished that I never existed, and sometimes that I would die to get rid of the suffering. Until I discovered meditation. (I'm out of words now; when you taste bliss you forget all the suffering, and vice-versa).

Hello and thank you for taking the time to read this. I really appreciate it. And I really need help. I am in a horrible place, and I don't know what to do. It feels like complete & infinite existential doom. I'm hoping that someone can act as a guiding hand of light in this time of darkness and despair. Little bit of backstory: I'm 25. I had a great childhood living a life of enjoyment. At age 21 I moved out and got a job for the first time, where I absolutely hated the 9-5 and got spiraled into meaninglessness and depression. I've been battling that ever since and for about a year now have been taking the spiritual route seriously. About 3 weeks ago I decided it was time to try out magic mushrooms to see how that could help me on my journey to self discovery and healing. The "good" part of the trip: oh my god it was amazing. I took 5-6 grams of the mushrooms, and the first thing I felt was lightness and energy. All my fears, worries, and problems melted away. I was floating through my experience full of love and joy. Bliss. The "bad" part of the trip: oh my god it was like nothing I ever experienced. It's like the line between imagination and reality was erased, and my imagination was reality. Reality would seamlessly shift and transform like my imagination would seamlessly shift and transform. For instance: my girlfriend was driving us home and I thought of watching one of Leo's youtube videos and that became my reality. My reality was the awareness of Leos video, and that reality was me. Leo would tell me to wake up and suddenly my reality would shift to pure colors and transform into taking with one of my friends. As I was trying to talk to my friend and tell them I need help because I don't know what's real or who I am, I suddenly KNEW that my friend was me and that there was no need to explain anything to him. That reality would then fractalize and I would travel through infinity and experience infinite cycles of knowing and forgetting the truth. I would then come back to this reality, but this reality was no longer real. I felt complete oneness with my experience and completely alone at the same time: like everything and everyone was merely something I was imagining and that I was the only real thing. Knowing that filled me with complete existential despair. I just wanted to die, but I knew that ceasing to be was impossible, that even if I died in the "real" reality, that "real" reality wasn't even real and wasn't me. That if I tried to kill myself in "real" life, it would merely be me imagining shooting myself in the head and continue shifting and transforming realities. These shifts and transformations in reality occurred for a good 6 hours and I felt completely alone, horrible, and eternally doomed. The aftermath: I was so happy when it ended and I came back into being me. I remembered a little about the trip, but not much. I couldn't understand what I experienced and it felt like I couldn't even remember what it felt like. It completely shook me though, because that sense of aloneness. And I could tell I had a sense of dread in the background. Two weeks later after I felt pretty content and integrated with having that crazy trip, I decided to do a lighter dose of magic mushrooms (about 3.5 grams), and I started feeling like I was losing my grip on reality again. But rather than having another reality bending experience, I instead un-repressed the memory of having my reality bending the first trip and I was able to completely remember what that felt like. Now: I am completely full of existential terror, dread, confusion, and despair. I feel like nothing, including myself, is real and that there is no point of existence. That there is no meaning to a completely imaginary singular reality in this sea of infinite imagined realities. And worst of all: I feel like I am eternal and that I can never end. And oh my god I just want this all to end. I can't handle what I experienced, I can't handle KNOWING that all of this reality is imagined and everyone else is just my imagination. I can't handle knowing that I am the only thing, that I am god, and that I am infinite. I just want it all to end, for me to disappear, but I know that's not possible because on the trip I've already disappeared in this reality. My stomach and heart feel like pits of suffering, and my soul feels like its writhing and exploding in agony. I've been feeling this way for 4 days now trying my best to just feel the feelings, but this dark night of the soul feels like it has no resolution. Its like I've peeled back the veil of reality and seen the truth, and the truth is infinite, alone, and despairing. I can now remember the trip whenever I want, but because I can remember how I felt and what I knew during that trip any notion of who I am and what is real has no ground. Everything feels fake and imaginary and I feel trapped in this hopeless meaningless ride of existence & nothingness. Everyone and everything in my life is just something I am imagining and I'm completely alone. I am in complete hell. The truth is complete hell. I want to end. Watching Leos video about his radical explanation of reality only added to my feeling of doom. This man I looked up to and resonated with just told me that all my greatest fears, and that my existentially dooming reality was all true. I can't handle infinity. I can't handle being god. I can't handle being alone. And nothing I do is pulling me out of these depths. I'm so scared. I'm so unbelievable scared. I've had fears of being eternal since childhood and all I feel is complete doom and despair. I don't know what to do, and I can't cope. I'm so confused and so hurt. Thank you for reading this, and I hope you can help me through the darkest night of my soul. I love you and wish for the best.

Thanks serpent for giving us the fruit so that we can say stuff or creation is bad or badly. Otherwise we would have thought everything's good. Think how annoying this bliss would be.

Thanks for everyone replies! I am already about a week into NoFap. I don't even want to call it NoFap or anything, I was originally just practice letting go, but I guess I'll let go fapping for real. What I have seen is that it is less waste of a time. And also,, my dick feels new lmao. As far as the 'not fapping while i can' thing goes, I think I can achieve same (even greater ofc) bliss thorugh meditation and all that spiritual work. How I know this? Cuz I have been there done that before. It's better than sexual orgasm, so maybe I should just quit being such a slave to survival (always am, but I want to atleats quit some gross manifestation of that survival insitinct). I'll stop counting from now on, counting will only keep my focus on it.

@Lyubov Nah, Sadhguru is all about spreading mainstream appeal to spirituality. I don't think he's actually trying to teach everyone how to become liberated. I've heard him say openly that he isn't, but that he's giving everyone a way to slowly get there and not regress in spiritual progress they've made. He used some analogy that most people are playing a game of snakes and ladders, with enlightenment being the goal at the end. And he seems himself as giving teachings which remove the snakes. But it's up to you how quickly you reach the last square, he doesn't see himself as teaching you how to get there. Since he's hindu, I'm presuming he thinks you'll get another lifetime or something to carry over your progress in this lifetime. I'm not sure I believe that You know, psychedelics aside, sadhguru might unironically be quite close to Leo in his view of things. Sadhguru is always talking about chemistry, the "science of bliss" , getting the correct neurochemistry, all that. ____________________________________________ (idk how to delete boxes on mobile)

Collision with the Infinite by Suzanne Segal Honestly, one of the best books on enlightenment for me. Not a typical airy-fairy book about bliss and happiness and rainbows. Rather, she describes that enlightenment can be a brutal process without a proper context and groundwork.

I had this realization recently after some feelings of pure joy and then followed by pitfalls of “dark nights of the soul” for about a year and a half I would hold onto those feelings of bliss or timelessness. Emptiness or heart filled sensations or third eye or crown chakra openings. I finally got it though. I am powerless. Things are happening and all I can do is surrender deeper. Even the word surrender isnt anywhere close to the meaning because even that is just happening. Life isnt here for utter bliss or even utter suffering. I start experiencing these new feelings and its like I want to freeze myself in place and stay in that state forever, but thankfully that did not happen. Even the suffering has its place. Even the moments of doubt and the pain. Its all life. Its amazing. Its happening. Maybe tomorrow Ill feel differently. Thats part of it. Thats amazing in itself! I was chasing Awakening but The point of life isnt to awaken. Im open to it. Im open to awakening if it happens. But Ill also love whatever else comes at me. I have no choice after all. (Choice and no choice arent totally true either)

The ego/self would believe there to be an incredible firework show where all the secrets of the universe are revealed and instant bliss attained. Everyone has a different experience. Here it could be summed up as ordinary and extraordinary simultaneously. But to answer your question better, yes gradual awakening is often the case. A slow gradual understanding of the mechanisms that create suffering. Like the fog or veil slowly lifting to reveal what was always true. The mind is accustomed to gaining knowledge. Awakening goes the opposite direction, its a falling away or a deprogramming, a disentangling from the socially conditioned mind matrix or self centered egoic agenda. ❤

Amazing book about 5-MeO-DMT-experience and more. Here some of my notes / marks: One of the most difficult things about the tryptamine experience is that the more you believe in the veracity of your own experience, the more difficult so-called normal reality becomes. It seems to me that DMT and 5-MeO-DMT—and to a lesser extent mushrooms, peyote, and San Pedro—can open you up to a natural place that is closer to the true center of existence. In contrast, the synthetic analogues that human beings have invented—LSD, DIPT, DOM, ketamine, and so on—can only reveal a crueler mirror-world of that reality—a place where ultimately our human frailties betray us. A friend offered the description that you are “a drop, which returns to the ocean” on 5-MeO-DMT —an excellent metaphor in my opinion. These ideas, which in truth have circulated in Hindu and Buddhist philosophies for centuries, have their modern origin in theories proposed by Aldous Huxley, Peter Russell, and most lately, Bernard Haisch, regarding the idea that our consciousness is essentially a filter of a far greater universal consciousness. The esoteric traditions tell us that creation by subtraction is one of the fundamental truths underlying reality. It may be that we develop more and more advanced consciousness filters through a series of births and rebirths. Perhaps some of us have undergone far more rebirths into this dimension, while others are like children at the beginning of their explorations in this earthly paradise of matter, with a long, discovery-filled path of many reincarnations ahead of them. To use the analogy of a rocket escaping the pull of Earth’s gravity, it is as if DMT is only powerful enough (at regular doses) to send you out of the atmosphere, but then the gravity of your ego pulls you back in. 5-MeO-DMT, on the other hand, is an interstellar vessel—it blasts you out of the atmosphere before you can even put the pipe down, and if you can learn to use it right, it can take you straight back to the Mind of G/d. This pure self-awareness of the “unfiltered” light is our ultimate consciousness, a state of peace and bliss—an awareness that the pure consciousness one experiences is but a concentrated point within a single universal consciousness. The quantum model proposes that the universe exists as an interconnected web of relationships, forever indivisible, since nothing has any meaning by itself!

Productivity entry 4 Goal: 8 hours of math - just keep it simple. no fancy philosophical ideas. Just collect and polish associas 2 hours Check emails + figure out when report readings are yes, 10:50 am, not all emails meditate 2 times - no fancy bullshit, like yesterday. Just do it. yes, and more! 1. Morning routine I'm currently wasting time scrolling the forum. I'm afraid of what's going to come. I guess this is better than youtube. What am I going to do about this? All I need to do now is meditate. I'm so deeply afraid of owning up to my mistakes by checking those emails. Right now I simply can't see myself getting my ass to stay on schedule..? This is a recurring problem and I feel that having public journal can really revolutionize the discipline aspect of my life because I have access to it in the middle of a mindless rut - like a stick to grab onto amidst drowning in quicksand. I'm done reading about Leo's relationship drama on the thread. I'm ready to meditate Meditated. Since starting the journal, I'm much better at it. 30 minutes passes by like a few seconds in the really good sessions. 2. Golf visualization + visualize opening the emails + bad habits visualization (applied to this situation). Do for about 2 hours. I always get really distracted when I do the golf visualization. In particular I have this weird fear regarding the nature of what a visualization is, having to do with its ill defined-ness - I would really like to dig out exactly what this fear is. For the time being let's just do it. Did it. Went so well, because I acknowledged the existence of this strange fear. I feel so fortunate. And this made me want to golf again lol. I used to visualize my goals early in this work, but I have stopped since then. I realized that I better get my ass on that train again - have forgotten how powerful it is. I think what it was was that I started to learn about enlightenment, which made me kind of devalue a lot of the normal self help. I now realize how backwards this is, and am currently reorienting myself. Here is a recorded negative visualization of not shying away from fixing my mistakes (too long to post) 3. Check the goddamn emails, focusing on the angry Victor ones for 10 min. Figure out when report readings are. done. I checked some of the emails and the report reading is at 10:50 am. I am absolutely terrified right now, but peaceful at the same time. So I am going to take a short tamed break - tea, jerk off, eat, walk benny in 1: 45 min, then get on with math. 4. Go for a walk with 5 minutes or running and 20 pushups done. Meditated 2nd time. I'm going to visualize for 15 min on collecting 10 associas, and the process will be spending 10 minutes on my own tryin to do it, then excavating an associa, so I don't dissolve into reading solutions. Again, you have this weird fear/resistance to visualizing, so, Scotty, I grant you permission to not feel that fear this one time ( and times to come). I visualized and then entered into this state of pure meditative bliss where I was letting all the "gifts of the ego" go. God was that sweet. Can't say I've experienced that before, though I have been in altered states. The difference with this one was that I was just letting every single thing go, and I knew how to do it. 5. Collect associas for geodesic and hyperbolic geometry + Get like 10 in total with moderate generality. Get a notebook of these things. I'm changing my strategy a little bit. I'll proceed like so Spend ten minutes finding until you get stuck from the notes, excavate an associa - this doesn't have to have the found stuckness state as its head. The situation is a bit more nuanced than that write down the head and the tail of the associa, clearly denoted and know that there could have been many (slightly different) others. Embrace the arbitrariness. spend 2 minutes consolidating it in your head. Again, you have this weird fear relating to visualizations and you're free not to feel it. Do 6 of these. Incomplete. I did three of them. Now I will drink some tea, jerk, meditate + visualize, then head to bed. Wake up early (say 9 am) for report reading. Day review: Quite impressed that I checked emails. It was terrifying. The math session was short but sweet. Tomorrow I can fully focus on this part of the day - cut right to the chase. Then tomorrow, we can collect a bunch more associas, and maybe start to put them together in clever ways - like proof deconstruction, scouting out problems to apply them to and recording the effects, scouting out technical errors, or starting to solve actual problems. But don't be too fancy!

Leo, we all know that god, all there is is unconditional love. thats no secret around here. but this duality we are currently in allows for many to experience the (illusory) absence of love. and this absence of love, this seperation from god can make it, that souls fall so far from light, that they get stuck and cant return to it even if they wanted. this seperation from source caused by their own free will, means eternal agony for them! this is true hell! to have trapped yourself in the darkest place possible where you feel only pain and can only cause more pain to others.. now you can imagine why there are souls that simply want to destroy everything out of pure anger.. its a very very sad thing! hose who arent able to step into the light in the end will have to be taken into the galactic central sun for their souls to be completely transmuted. now imagine, this is something we all could have fallen to! or imagine, you once knew a soul, that once like you was enjoying the love and bliss of the higher realms, but then took the path of darkness and got so lost that only their utter annihilation can "save" them. sure, in the end, its still all love.. but holy crap, if this is not a reason to end duality for good now, i dont know what is... it seems strangely that your worldview allows for an worringly amout of suffering to be part of the game.. but instead of allowing it, we are fucking ought to stop it!! we also have the power to stop it!! thats why i am here, thats what i am constantly rambling about! to see reality as it is and to change it! we are conditioned to believe its all part of the game, but this is the crucial error! when we realise this, we can claim back our true sovereignity as beings of light and follow our calling to transmute all dark here on earth. we have to become aware of how and why there is so much suffering here on earth and that in no way it has to be that way! the third density reality is indeed the darkest "place" in this universe! (BEWARE:GRAPHIC!: I mean they systematically torturerape children and make them eat their own babies in order to create fragmented personalities and minds to control - does it get any more horrid than this?). ... bullshit like this is the reason why i think every decent being should have some interest in ending duality. to end duality is possible and we are actually in the process of it happening right now, if ou are aware of it or not. but every single one of us counts. the sooner the collective consciousness is ready, the sooner we will be freeing ourselves all together from this perpetual cycle of suffering.

I developed a really bad rash yesterday. Felt extremely sick. I had work to do on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday and... I did literally nothing throughout each of those days. Absolutely no work. When I touched the keyboard to type, I felt like I was developing a fever and I was about to vomit. My body was severely resisting working. I had been very unproductive for the past 3-5 months on all fronts, from spirituality, to my career to my relationships to my friendships and to spending time with my family. And I was feeling extremely disappointed in myself for allowing that to happen. So to make up for the work I missed, I decided to do work on Saturday... but Saturday was the day I developed an extremely bad rash, went to the doctors and they said it was a stress rash and that I had to rest. I have a bunch of good psychedelic friends that I hang out with occasionally and I went with them for a picnic on Sunday to try and destress. Hanging out with them really inspires my dreamboard. Living with a community like them is the sort of people I'd love to have as neighbors, work with, have relationships with and hang out with. Deeply generous, deeply open minded and accepting to who you are, sees the significance in getting along, cooperating, not fighting, respecting and working with everyones' views, deeply generous. They gathered in a sunset close to a lake within a Royal Botanical Park(forest reserve), one of the guys is a deeply wise psychonaut whose been at psychedelics for the past 30-40 years, lived and worked with people in the amazon, etc. He brought over psychedelics plants for us to take home and grow ourselves. Another one has lots of experience in chemistry and gave us some books to borrow about extractions and cultivation techniques. Another one is deeply into shamanism and was demonstrating and teaching us different ways of evoking spirit animals and using it for healing. Another is a deeply motivated magick practitioner around the same age as me (23) who quit uni himself and started his own company just doing magick and making a living off it. And there are a few others who also have really cool characters. The experienced psychonaut brought rape over with an excited grin because rape always makes people scrunch their faces in weird ways when ingesting it. The first was the magick practitioner who was taking it for the first time. The experienced psychonaut blew a huge dose up his nose with a mischievous, playful look. The magick practitioner looked like he was about turn into the hulk but eventually settled down. The others all had a go of it and had similar expressions, just a basket of scrunched up, hulk turning faces. Then as I watched them all, the experienced psychonaut proudly popped in front of me and strongly insisted to give this thing a go. I hesitantly agreed, and then the rape was blowing up my brains in a matter of seconds, and my fate of scrunching up my face like I was turning into the hulk had met itself like the others. The magick guy got up and ran straight for the lake to check it out with his new visuals and buzzing state. Another one lied down in the ground in ecstasy as the buzzing kicked in, and the others sat around talking about how cool their experience was, and how beautiful the day was. A several of them are into spirituality and wanted my advice for adviata vedanta because they wanted to know what truth is. I sat with them and helped them question their beliefs as they were on rape which is always fun for me because I love arguing about this stuff. They always seem super fascinated about what its like to go deep on the spiritual path and get lots of epiphanies in real time which I love seeing. I went over to the psychonaut expert to talk about trichos because I love his cactuses. He puts so much care into growing them and always gives us some when we meet him. His trichos have these beautiful wavy patterns on them, you can trip just by looking at them. His trichos are bright green, and have a vibrant aura to them. You can feel its personality. And he constructed a family tree that traces each tricho back to the amazon so that he knows which part of the amazon it comes from. Its truly beautiful to see all the history. The rape kicked mildly intensely. For me, somehow no matter what psychedelic I take, they are all the same flavour, same style. Mescaline/trichos = ayahuasca = LSD = rape. The rape deepened the Oneness and increased the bliss felt throughout the day. And in that instant, the rape's message kicked in too. At the forefront of experience is movement to expand consciousness, change our careers to make it more fulfilling, achieve dating and relationship goals, its just movement, movement, so much so that ironically, while you may think you're moving forward and changing and growing, you're actually just stuck in movement. Just constantly in a sea of change, yet never appreciated or respected what the result of that sea of change is. Is that what your life on your deathbed will amount to? Just a sea of movement, from birth to death, and missing all of the beauty inbetween, which was the point of the movement anyway. There's a need to change careers, learn relationship techniques, learn new meditation protocols. Yet if you just move, without just sitting and appreciating and doing the opposite of movement. How will you appreciate and love the pearls and roses that arose on the journey that you took. You might think that the road has a holy grail of an ending, but really the holy grail was all the little gems that you saw and appreciated in awe as the journey unfolded and changed. Its the experience of being there through the journey that gives you the holy grail. When you're moving without appreciating, its like you're going through the levels of mario without picking up the coins. You end the game with nothing. Even though you thought the end of the game itself was everything. There's literally no hell, the rape said. Its all just love. The worst stuff like poverty and robbery and murder is just love, and yet you're still pushing towards some goal. Where are you going? I'm just in the movement out of habit. It can't get any better then just love everywhere. Every goal I have promises love. And love is now. Its a goal that leads back to where it started. Movement can also be stagnation. Movement can also be stuckness. Movement can also be going nowhere or being stuck in a rut. Its not just not doing anything that can be those things, its also doing stuff constantly without relief or appreciation or gratefulness. The attitude of being hardcore and always achieving stuff and "doing the work" is great, yet limited when "doing the work" misses "appreciating the work's end". Because if you don't do that, then you're arriving at the exact same cul de sac that no work and being lazy ends up with. And what are you really achieving if you're stuck in movement? The end goal is love, are you really getting love by just immersing yourself in movement constantly? What if there was a counter intuitive truth that movement without appreciation and relief achieved as much as no movement? You got no closer to what you wanted then doing nothing. The group I was with really honed in this "insight". I was wanting to change my life and make it better, yet I already was involved with the exact community I was seeking. I already had it. Here they were. I dont need to chase after such a community, because they are already here. The whole reason why I even got this insight in the first place is because I already had the community I wanted. Ironically I then got heaps of business insights on how I could change my career to make it more in align with what I wanted - just by accepting and appreciating I already had what I was seeking. And the girl I liked there liked me back, and what's the go with all this movement to achieve pickup goals when the girl you like is already in the community you wanted? This was a very counter intuitive lesson on how LOA works. I didn't realize LOA required appreciating what it had already given you, and that once you did that, it goes into overdrive on showing you what you need to do. Appreciation isn't just something you do to feel good or to adhere to values of respect. Appreciation and gratitude is actually a necessary element of living life. Its a mechanism for allowing you to see what's truly there. Appreciation is looking at the truth head on. Its a pause from looking at the dream, a moment to look at the pure absolute. Without appreciation you cannot know the truth. Because without appreciation you're not looking at it. And without looking at the truth, LOA cannot work its magic to align your wants with the truth, because you're just feeding LOA movement which isn't truth and therefore LOA wont manifest for you more alignment with truth. Overall the rape was a great experience, and I'd recommend rape to anyone whose ok with a covid swab style administration.

Investigate what you are made of in a literal sense. Look into science, quantum mechanics. It’s much more about realizing and releasing misunderstanding, misinterpretation of reality & misidentification of self, than it is acquiring ideas & beliefs and trying to remember them. In learning about reality, namely QM’s, it begins to be realized there is not a separate object, ‘you’ , which has or does not have control over ‘reality’, as in ‘other separate things’. The word nonduality points to ‘not two’. For example, look for the separation between things seen, the seeing, and the awareness of the seeing. Similarly, look for any actuality of the ‘layers’ you mentioned. Be incredibly open minded, such that you consider it might not be that you don’t have control, but that control is a concept rather than an actuality. A thought, basically. Inspect thoughts, notice each thought seems to have meaning, only by referencing what it is not. Such as up loses meaning when you take away down, and down has no meaning without the subtle indirect reference to up. How do you know control is not the illusion? To have ‘control over your illusion’ is already to believe you are separate. spect, rather than assume. Inspect beliefs, such as “I was born”. Let assumptions go, and inquire into the actuality, or direct experience. Did you actually experience being born, or is it a belief? Again, this requires incredible open mindedness, which in large part means when thoughts arise in regard to what you’re sure you know to be true, you relax and let such thoughts come & go, rather than continuing to belief them. Inspect for what is actual. Notice subtle assumptions. Is your thought about nothing from direct experience, or an assumption. Is perception actually ‘yours’. Does ‘power’ even actually exist. What is it. How is it such that ‘you’, could have ‘it’. What does qm’s reveal about ‘parts’. How do you know those hindsight thoughts aren’t a facade, such that there is only the belief you’re doing any of that. What if it’s happening, and in believing the thoughts, you’re believing you’re doing, making decisions, etc. How are you separate of the universe. What is a universe. What is control, beyond a thought / idea. If thoughts freely come & go, without attachment / believing them, how is it known you are the person, the “I” which can’t jump 10 ft, which eats or does not. How would you prove you are the body, rather than the gravity, the million dollars, the bank account. Without beliefs, what is an identity. Ever seen or heard an identity. What does what you are have to do with God or anyone else. What is an ‘ego’, ‘living’, a ‘person’, ‘survival’, a ‘saint’. Sort assumption from direct experience. What is bliss. What is being. What is divine love. What is the evidence you are not.

Several months? Don't stress man, no one realizes god that fast. If you inspect closely enough, a materialist world is not only unproveable, as you cannot test something outside of consciousness, but actually inconceivable. I think you need to stop looking at all the things that seem to not be in your control, and realize what is in your control. What is reality? Mind. Perspective. What is the point of all of this work? Mastering your mind. You can only 'control' the mind by letting go of the need to control it. What does the fact that you can't control things like you are Jesus have to do with anything anyway? Are you open minded enough to consider that this 'rigid' reality where you seem to have no control IS exactly what you, consciousness ( because that is all YOU are ), intended it to be? How are you separate from universe? Have you considered why such a saint is feeling pure bliss? If you truly want the truth, be more sceptical of scepticism.

It's been several months since my first viewed Leo video. He wasn't the first person from which I heard or read that we are the universe/god/love, but he was the first to explain it in a way I could begin to understand what it means. But my understanding is still very limited. I do not get how we are ''god''. Sometimes I think I finally get it, but I always forget about it as I go own with my day and my responsibilities, as if I slowly come back down to earth from my little ''illumination'' cloud. If my reality, including the physical world I am in right now and which I am interacting with is only a illusion, as if it was only another layer of imagination, but more ''rigid'' than the traditional imagination we tend to think about, why can't I have control over it? If I have no control over my illusion of ''I am a human living a human life'', how is it different from being born into a physical/mechanical world with no creative power behind it, and the circumstances of our lives are pure randomness? If I am the universe and nothing exist outside of my perception, but I have no power over it, then how is it different from just being part of a world where I am separated from everything? Of course, I can influence my quality of life by making decisions and taking actions... But I have no direct control over the universe. I can't jump 10ft high, stop eating forever, modify the law of gravity, make a million dollar appear in my bank account... It doesn't matter if you are a very ego driven person living constantly in a survival mode or an illuminated saint who feels pure bliss simply by being. You are not god...I am not god/universe/divine love.

Instant Full Body Orgasm Super easy to do and grows with practice Tools used, Visualization, Anchoring(Hypnosis), Ask any guru and they say only the advanced practitioner can visualize with their eye open, they are idiots. Daydreaming is self hypnosis visualization with eyes open and you were able to do that before you ever heard about visualization. This is how you do it, visualize yourself having an orgasm if you don't know what it's like pretend you know. I will tell you what it's like now how I know is watching action movies with my dad, there is always a scene of romance, arch your back like shoulder blades touching each other, tilt head back, tongue touching roof of mouth bite lower lip, squint eyes, slowly slide hand from neck down to belly button, doing the fire breathe. So now you see yourself experiencing this orgasm, now put your finger center chest below collar bone, press hard, then double the excitement, slide finger down half inch, at peak level press hard again, double the bliss, slide finger down, press hard at peak level, do the same over and over again doubling pleasures, intensity, glory, joy, wonder, anticipation, fascination. All the way to the belly button. Then test it slide your finger down your chest using the same amount of pressure. If the feelings arn't there just act like they are, pretend, imagine, do like I say above arch back, shoulder blades together, tilt head back, nibble on your lower lip, everything and be sure to do the fire breath. Keep doing and you'll see incredible results Limiting beliefs will prevent you from succeeding, eliminate the limiting belief and you'll succeed Imagine the belief as a piece of paper and light it on fire Poof Gone Just like that, it's very simple

Hello there everyone! I am looking for a serious spiritual relationship and I need advice on how to find a partner. I am a male and right now I am currently 20 years old and soon to be 21 in February. I am caucasian, long beard, buzz cut, skinny but also slightly toned. Let me give a very brief life-story for the past five or so years. Brief Life Story: I started watching Actualized.org when I was 15 in high-school in California, this was back in 2015. Even though I was watching Actualized back then and now I really pissed away my high-school years getting terrible grades. When I was a Junior in High school I was sent to a boarding school in Texas because of my bad grades and weed smoking habits. There I got my GED and decided I did not want to go to college, but instead the idea of possibly becoming a monk of some sort came to me. After I got out of the boarding school in 2018 I started getting into different religions and I really liked Eastern Orthodox Christianity because of it's mysticism and asceticism. This was the summer of 2018; during this time I was working at a nursery and I very much enjoyed my life. Then in the fall I went to spend some time working and living at a Monastery in Northern California that was doing very poor financially and really needed support. I had a really great time there helping out the monastery with work and parting in their spiritual life, so, I decided that since I was not doing anything with my life maybe I should become a monk. On January 1, 2019 I was baptized into the Orthodox faith and then started a sort of adventure checking out all of the different Orthodox monasteries in America (almost one in every state!) I spent a while at the biggest of monasteries in America in Arizona called St. Anthony's Greek Orthodox monastery. There I found the highest degree of spirituality I had ever seen; they had an elderly saint who recently died called Elder Ephraim. He would put his hand on your head like certain yoga masters do and you would feel bliss and peace wash over you. The monks themselves were also extremely holy, a lot of the older one's auras would glow with this white immaterial light similar to what you see in pictures of ancient yogis. But I also went all around the United States like I said, and it was funny I met legitimate Orthodox Christians during my journey who told me their benefit from using psychedelics and receiving healing in Native American Ceremonies. About 2019 to 2020 was when I started having problems with depression, and by this time I had already experienced the religious life of the monks for over a year. I did find a lot of spirituality at the monasteries but also a lot of problems, I found that there were actually plenty of monks who were actually quite miserable and so was I because of my depression. Then thoughts started coming to me like "wait what about all those videos you watched years ago from actualized.org about 5-MeO-DMT and all those documentaries about using psychedelics for depression, what about all those other spiritual teachings that also teach the same things Christianity teaches." Unfortunately, even though some of the monks I met were very spiritual they didn't seem to believe that there could be any other genuine spirituality except Orthodox Christianity or drug that could actually benefit personal spiritual development. So about three weeks ago (I was at a monastery in NC at this time) I decided to leave monasticism altogether because I realized I just couldn't be a monk with my depression problems and my personal beliefs. Right now I am taking ultra good care of my health and fitness, I am also looking into microdosing psilocybin, which are all seriously helping my depression to the point where I can now consider myself a very happy individual. Lately I have been getting back into Actualized.org, my favorite videos so far are 'What is Actualized.org' 'Developing Introspection' 'The Trap of the Toxic Life Purpose' and a really old one called 'The Happiness Spectrum.' If anyone has watched 'The Happiness Spectrum' I am personally working towards a totally eudaimonic Lifestyle. Now let me tell what my plan is for the future. Future Plans: Since my mother died a year ago (I am not sad about this and very emotionally stable not to brag, forgive me.) she left me 45k and my dad whom I live with now is planning on buying a huge piece of property for me, himself, and my brother. I have always believed very strongly the philosophy of organic simple living and now that I am out of the monastic life I can finally actualize this dream I have always had in the back of my mind. I plan to live off of the land as much as possible eating only organic whole food, think of something like an amish life except more stage turquoise. My dad has decided to move in with his new wife and he is going to eventually sell the house that we are in now. With the money he could simply purchase a 300k property in the mountains no problem and has agreed to do that for all of us. With the 45k I could easily afford a tiny house, solar, well, and everything else I need, plus I myself will find whatever outdoors job I can (I love farm work and working outdoors.) But the thought came to my mind "How can I do something for the benefit of humanity and the greater good?" And I realized that I could adopt orphans from impoverished countries and give them a good life. But I thought about this and I realized I would need a wife to help raise orphans, and it would also be really good to have a spiritual partner for myself as well. Me and my spiritual partner would live as spiritually and healthily as possible while also taking care of 1-3 orphans or even more, if possible. This is just a rough outline of what the future will hold for me, things could certainly change but right now this seems like the best possible thing I could do. Now I will get into what type of girl I am looking for. I am looking for: (Sorry my criteria is very picky but that is just the way it has to be) 1. Someone who would be willing to go on this spiritual journey with me, to live a difficult but spiritually eudaimonic lifestyle. 2. Someone experienced with spiritual practices in general, is accepting of all religions, and accepts the use of psychedelics 3. Someone who believes in the power of sexual abstinence (this wouldn't totally exclude us from having sex in marriage but it would be limited in order for us both to focus on the eudaimonic spiritual life.) 4. Someone who is very strongly devoted to health and fitness 5. Someone who is 19-25 years old, average height, preferably caucasian (like me), very physically fit, and very serious about life in general. Not looking for: 1. Anyone who has tobacco smoking, drinking, partying habits or habitually gets high on marijuana or trips on psychedelics excessively. 2. Anyone who enjoys watching TV, using social media, watches pornography, playing video games, wasting time with friends, or doing anything generally unproductive. 3. Anyone who wants to have kids rather than adopt them, I really feel like adopting children is one of the best philanthropies, sorry. 4. Anyone who rejects Orthodox Christianity, I still wish to follow most of it's practices until I die. But I also wish to engage in new practices. 5. Anyone who is unstable in life, I am looking for a relationship where I can benefit and be benefited by my partner. I want to learn new spiritual practices and patterns of healthy eating. I can't really have someone who is super depressed and has financial problems and such, it most likely won't work. Question: So, thank you to those who read everything I wrote. I live in Morgan Hill, California, near Santa Cruz and San Francisco (hippie central). I am wondering what is the best possible ways to find someone who will match my criteria? I don't think online dating will work as I have heard very bad things about it. My brother suggested to meet girls at our local health food stores but honestly I don't know how well that is going to work considering my strict criteria. I am open to any ideas, please share your answers if you have them, thank you!