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In my experience, bodily pain isn't very bad as such. Worrying, striving, conflicts and so forth are far worse. Have you ever been in incapacitating non-malicious pain (not talking about torture!) while convinced it's OK and there is nothing you need to do? It's easy to relax and not to resist pain then and suicide becomes only another word for no more dope. You've got to wonder... why would people liberated from thought use language so unskillfully? If you were talking for the benefit of others rather than yours, why speak at all unless you're going to be understood? If you were able to see things from the perspective of others, couldn't you speak words they'd understand?

@Nahm suffering is real. 100%. 200%. Absolutely. Totally. Completely. Pain that is. Very unpleasant sensations. Makes some people go nuts. Fall into depression. Commit suicide. You probably had plenty of it throughout your life and still experiencing glimpses of it it here and there throughout your day. I'm not talking about philosophical spiritual abstract suffering.. That is not "real" suffering.. Real suffering is physical material objective in this area or that..

Feels pointless writing a post about all this I am going through. I am still writing this nonetheless, which means that I do see some point in it, doesn't it? I do not know what I mean by saying "I". Can give it a name, one description or another but names and descriptions are in a different realm than what I experience myself to be. Almost as if this "I" is an activity rather than an entity. This produced numbness IME. Feels like all these happenings just happen. No effort is made for them to happen. Meanings dismantle. All the ideas are seen as ideas. Limited and unnecessary therefore no action is taken to embrace and make them happen. This state brought a feeling of what they call "non-doership". This sounds nice, right? Doesn't feel nice, though. Actually, it feels worse. And whats the worst about it is that I'm okay with it! Even feel happy about it. I feel like there is nothing to talk about, nothing to think about, nothing to do in life. This made me isolated AF. Friends are slipping away, family is slipping away, all meanings are slipping away. I am becoming lonelier and lonelier day by day. And you know what, I see no point in doing anything about it. It's like I really do not give a shit. On the contrary, I do care all about it. But this caring-not-caring warfare inside is what catches all of the attention therefore little to no attention is left for anything else. This isolated state is not satisfactory. No joy, no bliss. Only this "no-me" which is actually just a new "me". Sensations of frustration and wanting to get out comes up more frequently. I've caught myself wanting to brute-force abandon my mind while on DMT trip. I also feel like physical death wouldn't be something bad. That's one way of getting rid of this "I-thought". Easy way. Although even suicide feels ridiculously pointless. It's like I've reached a point where I no longer have a choice. All that is wanted is getting rid of the "I-thought". It feels like life is not worth living with this illusory assumption of a separate self. I am considering leaving everything behind and going completely quiet, although this idea feels even more vague and lonely. Paradoxical, but at this point I feel like making it further by myself is very unlikely, if possible at all. On the contrary, am considering to start attending vipassana retreats, meditation retreats, psychedelic ceremonies ect. At the same time, putting trust in teachers sounds like a joke. However, as I have stated before, all these ideas are just mere ideas. It's like being stuck in observing without the ability to act on anything. I want this to end. Feel like wasting my life being in this "non-doer" state of shit.

You don't understand. First of all, that's a very slow and painful way to die. Secondly, I couldn't do that even if I wanted to because I live with my family so they would force food and water on me. Thirdly, that would be suicide. Fourthly, I am in fact content with my life as it is and I am flowing with it. Maybe you got the wrong impression but I don't hate my life and I don't passionately love it either. I don't feel any emotion in particular towards life. It's neutral to me. Death, on the other hand, is something new and mysterious, and therefore interesting to me.

Saturday July 25th, 23:04 I think I'm past the worst of this dark night of the soul, although I can't say that with full confidence yet. It's been extremely rough. There have been some times in the last two months where it's just been terror. I really don't want to talk about it too much right now, but just some really dark feelings and thoughts. Although I can't say this with full confidence either yet, my way out of this seems to be that it's important that I start working towards a life purpose. Hence I have bought the life purpose course in a sort of moment of panic. When I bought the life purpose course I was repeating to myself "I MUST, I MUST", but very quickly I found that this attitude of trying to force myself to do something like this wasn't going to work. Since then, I don't have the same kind of obsessive attitude about it, but in its place has come an attitude where I'm just like... what gives... I can do it anyway because the alternative of not trying anything and not doing anything isn't going to serve me any better. I have been having that attitude with a lot of things lately. With many things, I am not sure if it's going to work or if it's going to help me, but do I rather just stay in bed depressed? Today I had a moment of clarity in which I realised or felt that I had the power within me to actually create a lasting change within myself and really create a good life for myself and consistently spend a lot energy developing structures, routines, disciplines and so forth, whereas before I never felt like I could because 'I don't work that way' or 'everything goes in cycles so it's only inevitable for me to quit it' or whatever clever reasoning I had. I started to notice that whenever I felt like I couldn't continue with something but then still did it, thinking it was the last time I would still have the energy for it, that then the next day I found I could do it again, and then the next day I could do it again, making me now think that this whole notion of me 'having to eventually quit or take a break from everything I try to do structurally' was perhaps maybe just all in my head, a strong self-fulfilling prophecy. There's still things I tend to be reluctant towards to accept or at least to let go of. Why do I have to suffer? Why is there suffering in this universe? Is there really more peace and bliss than there is suffering in existence? Bla Bla Bla... Useless questions. Getting me nowhere. In a way I'm sort of lucky to be such a deep spiritual non-dualistic thinker because it just makes me feel like the notion of suicide doesn't make any improvement in the best case scenario, and will give you only more trouble in the worst case scenario. I've had suicidal thoughts, but thoughts of what would happen if I did commit suicide made me too afraid to seriously consider doing something like that, although I have fantasized... I really don't like being here on this earth in this position. I don't like what I'm feeling and thinking, and I don't like what I'm seeing around me on this earth. But it's useless to complain, be negative and be miserable. The only thing I can do, the only thing I am really forced to do, is to start focussing on what my possibilities are, on what can be done and what life can be created for myself, alternated with just being very present in the moment and being in the here in now. A little bit of hope, a little bit of presence. That's all I can rely on right now. That's all I'm really forced to be concerned with. I can have hope for the future, but I got to realize that the steps taken towards a more fulfilling future are being taken right now, and that really the only power I have to create a situation in which both my inner and outer reality are more... prosperous are being dependent upon the steps I am taking right now. But at least I'm starting to feel like there is some power within me to create a life that is really fulfulling, that there is some possibility that can create a life for myself that can be really peaceful and joyful and not be forced to 'suffer my karma' as some kind of victim as I previously believed. I dreaded that idea and it gave me a feeling of deep despair.

I am surprised why she didn't even mention Pakistan? A canduit for Mujahideen and Taliban. A good chunk of Suicide boomers come trained by Pakistan. It's a proxy war. A big part of the reason why Afghanistan has been suffering from many decades is because of the people themselves. Very iliterate, emotional and power thirsty. We don't let anyone rule us, yet never want to be united among ourselves. There always has been tribe wars between us. Afghanistan has a rich history, but how come we never established as a country? Because of our own people. Fund our leaders, they can literally do anything to disserve the country. And the good people get shot. The situation now is far worse than anytime with this "double headed" presidency. Looking at people's mentality, I don't think it's going to end soon.

Ah lol, I had a similar dream only that I was in a classroom and two girls who wanted to commit suicide. I didn't become lucid but something even weirder happened. Despite trying to convince them that life is worth living, they killed themselves... moment when I started floating in a horizontal position like I was laying in an invisible bed and saw the whole world breaking apart (along with my body) until nothing remained. So basically what I witnessed was this: ... when I woke up, I realized that I was God imagining the entire Universe. So don't underestimate dreams because they can actually trigger huge awakenings. They aren't really that stupid and meaningless as most people think.

Every 40 seconds a person commits suicide. Why do we have to care about this particular gamer person?

Is awakening like having a lucid dream, where you're conscious that it's a dream but you're still in it? I had a very dark dream the other day. In the dream, I was on the top of a mountain watching from a distance as there was a long row of about a hundred people that looked like they had just come out of a mental hospital (they were bald, their skins looked purpleish, they were wearing hospital gowns, they had bruises on their skin, and their eyes were locked and lifeless). They were robotically walking to the edge of the mountain, picking up a rope that was on the ground, and commiting collective suicide. When they all did it, another group of a hundred people came and did the same. Then another group, then another group, and on and on it went for a while. It felt like a very dark presence was in the air that was driving those people to do those things. I have no fucking idea how my brain just came up with that while I was asleep. I never have nightmares like that. My dreams are usually just me talking to my friends and doing random shit like flying or whatever. But this one was so freaky. I was very scared in the dream, but then I suddenly somehow realized it was a dream and became conscious in it. I started to shout at everyone that it was just a dream and I was asking them to stop that insanity, because it's just a dream and there was no reason to be hurting themselves like that. But that didn't help, they continued doing it. I had no control over them, even though it was my own dream. So, yeah, back to the question: is awakening like having a lucid dream, where you're conscious that it's a dream but you're still in it? Another dream I had, I was talking to a friend of mine, and then I suddenly stopped and asked him: man, life is so crazy, is it real? Then my friend said, thank God it's not real. Then I looked up at the sky and felt my consciousness expanding, transforming into a white light. Then I realized I was in a dream.

One of the biggest examples I can think of is the insecurities men have about being appearing "tough" in front of other men (and women). It holds us back as a gender from becoming more mature and developed. For example as suicide rate statistics show there is an epidemic of poor mental health among many men; However if any man tries to bring up their mental health struggles among a group of other men in a social setting or even in the workplace (that isn't in a public spotlight) - they are laughed at, called a pussy, and told to tough it out. And if those blunt immature attitudes aren't on display most men will simply respond by being passive, dismissive, deliberately ignorant, and denying the problem exists. The only refuge you will find among men socially is if you bring it up in private to someone you're close to, will you be better understood or supported. The reason for this happening of course is because of an attachment to an old traditional patriarchal perspective of what it means to be a man. Men are socially encouraged by one another to desperately try to out-compete each other in the game of pea-cocking strength and stability, admitting any sort of hardship and asking for help is considering a weakness and retreat from this game (as well as an insult to the game). And it's implied without being said that men "should" not be able to emotionally support each other, because that's the woman's role. This probably comes from a place of homophobia and ignorance, the assumption that it's impossible to men to offer each other intimate emotional support without some kind of sexual intention. This is obviously childish and preposterous but hey most men are pretty stupid and insecure about themselves lol, hence why it's such a problem. I worked as a firefighter for 8 years and it astounded me just how little overall development, procedures, and resources there were regarding this issue. These kind of mental health struggles are rampant among emergency services members, yet so many of these suicides, medical leaves, and overall inefficiencies could be prevented if men would just get out of their own way and had the courage and maturity to support each other. It is getting better though as far as I've seen, and there was improvement in just the short time I was there. Anyways the irony in all this is that men would actually display the greatest amount of strength by being vulnerable in front of each other and leading their brothers out of those dark places. As @Leo Gura has talked about Fear is such a pervasive force. Men are so insecure and care what other men think sooooo damn much that it cripples us all as a gender and holds us back. If the attachment to this idea isn't toxic masculinity I don't know what is.

Couple of points for self-reference, nothing personal. It all comes down to brutal self-honesty, guided by your own intuitions, and based on your own goals. Almost all the viral gurus new/old, doesn't matter, have been framed and allegations have been made. Mooji also has been framed for being responsible in someones suicide. Teal Swan is somebody who is called out into causing someones suicide. Sadhguru is constantly having legal battles over his isha foundation settlements. He has some controversy over wether he can own a bike which he loves to ride, and that he built adi yogi statue on elephant corridor. And allegations of having multiple wives and being responsible for murdering his wife, while she left by falling into samadhi, and so many others. Osho... you already know all you need to know about osho, if you watch a few docs about him. Nithyanda has a false rape case aginst him, and allegations on child abuse in his gurukul and probably so many things over the years, many legal battles too probably. Leo has got some fair controversy too. Youtubers talk about him about being a madman who talks nonsense, or being too liberal on drugs. If i correctly recall i saw @Amandine expressing some toughts on him too. Some of your todays gurus like rupert shpira, echkart tolle, you know, the good ones. Have ate meat and probably still are from time to time. Yeah if you are vaegue enough and passive enough then some people will accept you as your teacher, and others will be labeled cultusts. However there really is a potential harm with cults, for sure. And anyhow, gurus are not perfect people and life is wild and people will make mistakes... So does that make their teachings more untrue? We are literally scraping by, maybe a thousand people in the world ate enlightened right now. So we don't have the perfect teacher. To even do that is harsh. Harsher and harder work than what the naysayers do together. Peace.

Last night I had a dream and it was a bit weird and funny. When I woke up, I was laughing thinking about it. So this is how the dream goes. There are two scientists debating about life on the moon. One of them scientist B is already on the moon exploring the landscape and the other is on earth having communication with him and discussing various aspects. One of the interesting things was that as B exploring the land on the moon he saw a lot of criss cross markings that went far out of eyesight which indicated to him that these were roads dug out and constructed once upon a time and they left the markings after destruction. Also was the strange thing that at specific points were long tubular pits with diamond shaped transparent crystals at the bottom of the pit resting against the tubular walls of the pits. These transparent diamond shaped were perfectly cut as if they were cut by humans or machines, so they could not have been naturally formed. Further these crystals mere made of a material that was so explosive that if triggered or activated it could lead to complete destruction of the civilization that might have existed on the moon. Scientist A is taking notes of the findings by B.. Scientist B also discovers structures that are made out of copper, basalt, limestone, bronze and rock. Basalt is very hard to carve and so he figures that its only possible by human or human like intelligent species to have done that. Scientist A concludes that placing a detonating crystal at the bottom is just a mass suicide plan or plan B to escape suffering or invasion of some sort. And he thinks that something must have been terribly wrong for the civilization to take such a course of action so as to obliterate their own species and put an end to their existence by mass destruction. When I wake up, the image of the crystal is fresh in my mind and I'm giggling and also wondering if there was any truth to all of this at all. Weird.

Not sure if you welcome questions and comments from others. If you'd rather not, let me know and I'll hide this. In short, just two items. 1.In relation to the above quote, It tickled me a few years ago when Episcopal Priest Cynthia Bourgeault refereed to this kind of volunterism as opposed to genuine altruism as "dogooderism". 2. A quote- "The absence of Joy is slow suicide" - Ocke de Boer

You keep waiting for magic cures! I have no idea what you call "energy" but you don't need it to got out and walk. Walk fast or walk uphill and that'll be exercise enough if you're out of shape. Simply walking also makes it easy to observe the environment you're walking in (kind of like meditating). You can consider upgrading to running later but the main thing is to start doing something now. Working on the farm is probably a good idea as well. The reason your family's money isn't much use (but certainly not useless!) is apparently that you have no reasonable plans to do anything with it. Unlike hopes for magic, coming up with solid plans takes time. Let the doctors worry about what drugs (if any) are appropriate in your condition. Since your family has money, you'll have plenty of opportunity to talk to them about suicide or other side effects after they've recommended a drug.

Just watched Leo's victim video. It summarizes my mindset pretty well. I'm a victim. There's a few guys on this forum who are huge victims, i recognized them when i first started posting when i was in school. I never really understood them, and felt bad that they were just so powerless. I get it now. I'm right there with them. It's sad and funny. Feel like a total loser. I think i'm stuck in a perpetual state of shame or repressed shame? Maybe i have repressed anger, and so i'm stuck in constant shame complex? Hopefully therapy provides some good answers in this dimension. I feel a lot of pressure in the third eye and head region. This is the most tension that has been there since my LSD break through. I know that when the tension in the head is released and i let go fully that there will be a release of suppressed emotions, and break through to a higher state of being. This is exactly how it happened on my LSD trip, it's why i was so confident in what i was doing. The sensations are right here, i can feel them, but they won't release. I wonder if i just have to ride this low for however long it lasts, and then when the high comes i have to milk and use it to achieve financial independence. I was speaking to my uncle today, and i've heard from other sources too, manic depressives can achieve insane results when they are on a high. It's just a matter of how long the high lasts. If the high lasts beyond maybe 3-4 months, then i'm pretty sure i can ride that high and make money in that time. I could climb league to challenger, and then start writing and streaming. People would pay to see a manic dude play league of legends in a heart beat. I could think of how to market, and play up a character, but it could really work. That would set me up for my next low because i could just live off the money i earned and plan my next step. A major source of angst for me right now is the fact that i have no economic prospects. My family money is pretty much useless at this point, because I'm not a self sufficient human who could use the money to my advantage, and my parents won't give me the money until they die which won't be for like 40 years. By the time i inherit any money my life will be past it's prime, and if i haven't figured this shit out by 40 or 50 then it's likely i will never figure it out. That idea is crazy and i don't feel good about it, but i don't feel good about any of the other ideas either so idk. The next step for me is likely to ride the depressive wave until end of summer. Keep going to the farm asap and try to help out and work. See a psychiatrist and therapist, keep getting rasa, take meds, and then see how i feel on this regiment. The hope would be that a medication like prozac or lithium will prevent the lows i'm in right now, so i have more a stable baseline from which to function. If i had more energy from let's say prozac and well butrin, i would establish a strong morning routine and start running and working every morning using the new found energy. One concern of antidpressants is increased risk of suicide which is concerning. I sometimes think about what if i was suicidal, but i've never been seriously considering killing myself, my life was never that low. But i never thought i'd be this low, and i didn't think i'd drop out of law school, so the mind and the mood are maleable enough to not be trusted. I don't really understand the dynamics of suicide. If i am an infinite being, who's made of infinite pure love, then wouldn't i just come back in a different dream if i committed suicide. No one seems to have a good answer to this conundrum. My attitude towards suicide has always been i will eventually so there's no need to rush, and my life isn't anywhere near miserable enough to warrant suicide. If nothing works by the end of the year, i will likely pack my shit and move to asia and start english teaching. It could be fun to spend my mid 20s just bouncing around asia teaching, and learning to be independent and responsible. I really hope it doesn't come to this but it's an option. The ideal/goal is to address the problem of the mind and learn to control the mind in such a way that i can stabilize my mood, set solid goals that feel good, and just live a productive functional life and go from there. The purpose of the RASA, psychiatric meds, therapy etc is to gain control and tame the mind/ tame the ox. If i learn to tame the mind then all the above i wrote will be thrown out the window, and the trajectory of my life will be completely different. It will be like these pasts few months were just a bad dream, and i would begin with a blank slate in the present moment with a tamed mind. I hope this, or something similar happens. God willing.

I was very young when my father passed away. And his love was astronomical. And knowing how the situation was growing up, the pain was exponential. I did not process it as a normal passing. Even after so many years I still struggle with the loss of a very important person in my life. After that incident, life was never the same and I developed a hate for life. The worst part was that I already knew that my father would pass away by heart related complications and the same fate would await me as well. I knew that if I died in my life, it would be because of a heart problem. Somehow my destiny was always connected to my dad . I knew what he knew. He knew what I knew. He always worried about me. I think these things created in me a deep sense of self destruction. Self destruction was a normal part of my life for a long time. For some time after my father's passing, I was on high risk of suicide. But I have overcome that now I'm no longer a suicide risk but suicidal ideation has been a recurring theme in my life, and I am aware of it. I just let it be on the back burner. One of the major reasons that I converted to Christianity in 2015 was that it helped me to deal with "suicide related" issues. I overcame my suicide problem once I found Jesus (again). I used to pray Jesus lifelong starting from the age of, let's say, age 7 So conversion to Christianity was not a big deal. I was anyways a Christian. It's only that I had found Jesus as a savior once again. From then on, Christianity had a huge influence on my life and still continues to even today. I will never stop being a Christian. The only spirit that stayed by my side, was Christ, wholly, without expectation or price. I cannot betray such a companion comrade confidante.

Yesterday something happened to me. I was trying to sleep but I couldn't and I felt very weak and fragile. I felt vulnerable. I began to cry and I cried a lot. All my childhood memories were coming back. I suddenly felt very helpless and upset, I felt like life is a tragic movie with a tragic end. A riddle, an irony. I went into a deep emotional state and I didn't feel okay. Something was eating me inside. Something was gnawing at me. Then I had this feeling that I need to be inspired. That inspiration is lacking. I felt like a prisoner of my own thoughts and limitations. I felt like I was deeply traumatized by all the sadness I experienced as a child. And suddenly I could feel the pain of those are abandoned in jails and prisons, those who did little wrong things as teens and now will never see the light of day. Those from whom life was snatched away early and those that the world just forgot. And those voices of the those same abandoned people were talking to me, making me feel like I was this lost child who needed to be picked up, this abandoned puppy who needed to be adopted. Then I tried to recover my composure and stop my tears. Deep down im a hurt child, hurt by trauma, abuse and neglect. That's my shadow self, a self crying for love and acceptance. A self traumatized by fear and helplessness. A self buried in self pity and looking for freedom. A self that was always deprived. Then I tried to collect myself and sat on the edge of my bed for some time to reflect. That's when certain things became clear.. One was that I needed to focus on healing, completely and absolutely. That I was looking for was love and acceptance and empathy. I was also looking for lifelong companionship.. This was my heart speaking to me. And one thing was my shadows. I needed to focus on my shadows. And in that moment of deep reflection (I shouldn't lose my train of thought while writing this journal), the shadows begin to emerge in my psyche, and they were trauma, childhood abandonment, childhood neglect not having the validation of a particular person (that person who always hurt me), death of a family member whose grief was never properly processed, the loss of a pet, abusive relationships, being taken advantage at a young age, being abandoned and betrayed in a relationship, having multiple toxic /abusive relationships, relationships that were short lived, a sense of loneliness, betrayal from friends, watching terminal illness, separation from family, social anxiety, career betrayals, having faced multiple incidents of sexual assaults over the years, suffered bullying offline and online and mostly a very deep sense of guilt and vulnerability and loss of hope, multiple suicide attempts in younger years and a recent suicide attempt in October 2018 because of the turbulent relationship with Joseph and the most significant of all was this lifelong feeling of deprivation, that I would feel rejected in love even if I did my best in life. For a long time I felt, that if I loved something, anything, it would be taken away from me. That it would die. It would be lost. And I will be left to simply accept the loss and have this internal pain for the remainder of my life.

For some one interested in attending the 10 day vipassana course, this might help you or give you that boost to sign up. Thank you. I’ve been interested in self-development for about three years now and watching Leo’s video’s since 2018. I’ve been digging into the deep topics he disgust and contemplating on them. However, I never seriously practiced this work, apart from a short daily meditation session. Thus this 10 day retreat seemed like the perfect opportunity. Going into this I was very committed to give it my all Day 1-3: Very frustrating first days. Realizing how easily I am distracted and not being able to remain focussed for longer than a minute( I have ADD), but that improved along the days. Day 4-5: The start of vipassana. Was getting used to the technique but quickly started seeing results, like more sensible and more focus. Also I had some small insight. Day 6: Here it started to get intense, but in a good way. I became very sensible and started changing my relation with pain, seeing it more objectively. Also I realized that thoughts created a emotion that is sensible as a sensation and that the degree of pleasantness of this emotion would determine the state I was in, and therefor the actions I would take. I started to realized how true the technique was. Day 7: The intensity increased more. I felt like I was deeper than ever. I did not resist the pain in my back and legs. I was equanimous with the moment, felt better than ever. I could see that all my dreams and ambitions were suddenly so accessible, but being present was as pleasant than thinking about these desires. The insight kept flowing in. A lot of what I’ve seen in Leo’s video’s and understood on a intellectual level I now could realize for myself, in my own experience. With this knowledge I wanted to go help everybody I knew. I was filled with love and compassion. This was for a short period though and I came down to a normal level during the last sit. I went to bed with a very neutral feel. As I closed my eyes, an extremely intense fear came up that covered my whole body. I tried to sleep but it seemed like there was a horror movie playing in my head that I could not pause. I went for a late night walk and kept walking in circles until it went away. But it didn’t. I had an insight that for my whole life I’ve been craving love and to me it felt like I did not get that. Therefor I did not have that love in me to give to others, which formed my self-centred personality. I cried for about an hour and went to bed. Day 8: The hardest day of my life. As requested by the teacher I was aware of a sensations at al times during the day, being present and equanimous. The insights were profound, and I FELT like I knew everything about life. Again I thought about the things I could be doing when I finished the course. I became attached to this state. But then a thought came “what if I don’t have this when I come out” This put me out this state, but still on a high and peaceful state. But I was greedy and craved for that state of possibilities again, totally forgetting about the principles of the technique. This craving dragged my down. Things that I normally did, didn’t seem possible anymore, I remembered my insight but they did not make sense to me anymore. It was so weird. Such a paradox. At the 6 pm it went even more downhill, forgetting the technique and getting totally caught up in pessimistic thinking. After the session my whole body was shaking with fear, and the discourse only made it worse. Saying things like craving the equanimous state is dangerous and that it will multiply your misery. At this point I was considering suicide, but Goenka said that committing suicide does not end you misery… I believed I was trapped in this hell moving around in circles that I dug myself in a hole I could never come out of. Fear that I’ve lost my personality, and everything I worked for. As soon as the discourse was over I ran to the teacher to ask him what I was going through, but he did not allow questions until the last meditation session. I was alone, who would ever want to care about such a miserable person. Besides a train of depressing thoughts, I knew I could not run away from this. So I put all my energy to try to be objective. At the end of the session I came out somewhat relieved. The teacher asked me what happened but, I only thanked him for caring and walked away. But he insisted to know what happened. So I told him, in a more positive attitude now. He said it was dangerous and was very concerned, and told me to stop practicing vipassana tomorrow. I went and took a shower and being back on this insane high, thinking “why would I ever worry about myself” Filled with some much love and compassion it was hard to contain. Now looking back at it, it seems laughable that I was so naive, but I was so fragile, and totally lost control over the will of my mind. Day 9: Started the day with anapana meditation, but the intensity was still there. The teacher requested for my to take the day of and gave me task to help in the kitchen. Distraction and talking with the staff was really refreshing and made the intensity of feelings come down. The kindness of the staff, made me feel very grateful and fortunate to go through this experience. Day 10: Very nice to share experiences with the other people and come down from this intensity. One of the assistant teachers told me something that stuck with me he said “Everyone who comes to this course gets something out of it that they needed, even if that was not their intention of entering the course” I came for selfish reasons just to improve myself, but in the process I discovered that my existence was so ego-centred when I convinced myself it was not. I came out with a sense of love and compassion. Rather than wanting to receive, I was now ready to start giving love without expected in return.

I'm not sure if I'm qualified to post here because I have a similar age and I'm also living with my parents, but I'm doing it anyway. From my perspective, you are too harsh on yourself and also have some victim mentality. @zeroISinfinity I also think that you are too harsh on him. In my experience, hyper-masculine approaches never worked on me. Putting yourself so down by being so harsh, by blaming yourself/others, and shaming yourself/others doesn't' work as you can see. Last time that I was so critical and harsh of myself, I was also very hateful and depressed. At home, I would lay down on the floor thinking about suicide, insulting myself, and masturbating myself all day to evacuate my anger. At work, I would ignore everyone and refuse everything of them and because of that others would also be hypercritical of me and insult me. The result was a downward spiral of depression and anger. What helped me during this ~1 year period of time was to stop trying to do things, isolate myself with my depression, change environment, and keep my social interactions to the minimum. Acceptance first, progress after. @Raptorsin7 You can PM if you want.

Right and wrong are arbitrary by the very fact that survival is relative. If you change the desire in which way you wish to live then so too do you change notion of right wrong. Thus, it is arbitrary and not absolute. You are privileging conventional evolution as a means to justify morality. This is a groundless thing to do. Each being is equipped with survival presets that are conditioned. Had you not been equipped with them and the ideals that they are important, you would not yearn to up hold them. One can at any time change their survival desire by changing their identity. Eg. Monks can train them self to survive with little food and eat irregularly compared to the the ordinary preset. Some can desire death over living and this overrides their instinct to live, ie. suicide bombers. People with DID or personality complexities can detach the conditioned impulse to survive as a conventional human. Just because many of us do not do this, does not mean survival is an absolute. It means we have assumed a best way to live according to our identity. Survival is relative to what you have identified with and does not measure right wrong. You mind is what creates this distinction and that too is arbitrary. The idea of ‘instinct’ is it’s self relative. The meanings you apply to them, “chemical signals” , is also arbitrary created by the mind. They do not exist in reality as an absolute but in the mind which self created them. No mind, no distinctions. People would only feel unsafe because they have been programmed to fear being hurt. The idea of pain is attached to the idea of ones physical safety being impinged on, “the body will be hurt”, again you identified with the body. Safety is relative to the position the mind has made in what is safe and what is not. Again arbitrary. Ask someone from a third world country if walking barefoot or hearing shooting nearby is safe; they are so normalised by it that safety has a a completely different meaning to them. Survival = relative = morality = arbitrary.

@commie It's my theory but I would be interested in any data whether supporting or opposing. If you have a bunch of people who aren't able to have sex for whatever reasons, the sex drive won't go away but rather will get distorted and turn into something else. It's energy after all. If you don't use it, it will still be there and then it will get accumulated and eventually manifest pathologically. Suppression leads to explosion. I believe even homosexuality is partially created by this. Also, prostitution is the creation of society, yet it is one of the most judged and shamed creations. The ultimate hypocrisy. One way to look at it is as a side effect of the social structure. Since society values the best survivors the most, the least survivors will not be able to fit in. They are simply not accepted or appreciated for who they are. So they do what they can. Some of them don't know a lot so they become prostitutes or thiefs or criminals. Some others find these paths difficult so they commit suicide. And some others become mentally ill. And it's usually not even their problem. They're usually born in poor families and get poor upbringing if any. A lot of them are orphans so it's only logical that they won't know a lot. So they're the real victims here, and yet they're judged and blamed even more! I hope that was elaborate enough. Would be glad to hear your feedback and/or perspective.

Why do you think Sweden used to have high rates of suicides? Precisely because of this issues. Us, there living in the survival mode, we do not have time to be depressed, they (not everybody ofc), here, are given almost everything in the world since their life begins. Why do you think so many people here sit on the meds for depression and have some types of mental issues, precisely because of this issue. Their survival needs are taken care of. I know some of my American friends would disagree with me, but it is true. Only the fact that you was born in the US gives you the privilege. Well, if the person is depressed or unhappy, why not talking to someone? I really do not know the person, I do not read all the comments. I have no idea, how can I say? I saw your comment and his comment about Nahm, I stopped by to share my opinion, because I love Nahm as much as you do. ___________________________ Your approach is very masculine, I get that, kinda Spartan. I was raised by this approach. It works perfect for me, but for some people it does not work. Not everybody has this personality of fighter. When I moved here in US, I ,personally, knew some people who came from very wealthy families and wanted to commit a suicide, this is serious. By "waving" with weapons and yelling is not going to change anything, You realize that when you're telling something to someone it is just your perspective, your opinion, it is not their reality, they might not understand what you say at all. They might not have the same level of understanding. This is obvious for us because we were raised differently. But to understand truly the level of someone's depression you have to be in their shoes completely, have their experience, have their parents, life...etc, you have to be them. I am not advocating for anyone here. Love you too. Do not worry I can understand your yelling and rage with this whole situation. I do not take it personally. But please be careful as some people on this forum might not. Trust me I've learned that lesson. As Peter Ralston say " culture is your operating system" or he calls it "clay". Your whole paradigm and web of belief is build to serve this agenda. It is hard to break free.

It is possible for one to attain certain insights into the nature of reality before they are developed enough to handle it. There are plenty of examples of this on this very forum where you see people creating posts about how they found out that they don’t exist and now they’re in emotional turmoil and on the brink of committing suicide. They are still too emotionally attached to their conceptual identity and therefore will lash out when they find out it was all a sham. This usually happens after some kind of radical change in consciousness like taking a psychedelic perhaps mixed with some kind of external influence like a spiritual teacher talking about the truth of no-self.

@28 cm unbuffed Not sure if I understand mahasamadhi but it doesn't sound like suicide or killing yourself. I found the interpretation here enlightening: https://isha.sadhguru.org/in/en/wisdom/sadhguru-spot/mahasamadhi But honestly, it's beyond my understanding why would someone be so apathetic about life. It's so much to explore imo. Also, it seems that there are many types of samadhi: https://isha.sadhguru.org/in/en/wisdom/article/samadhi-to-go-beyond-existence And from my perspective, it's not egoistic to pursue your goals in order to advance further in life or acquire higher levels of consciousness. But thinking that you're enlightened and there's nothing to do here, or wanting to become free from suffering sounds like an ego trap.

"The Dream of a Ridiculous Man" is a short story by Fyodor Dostoyevsky written in 1877. It chronicles the experiences of a man who decides that there is nothing of any value in the world. Slipping into nihilism with “terrible anguish”, he is determined to commit suicide. However, after a chance encounter with a young girl, he begins an inner journey that re-instills a love for his fellow man. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Dream_of_a_Ridiculous_Man