Search the Community

logically speaking, this doesn't make sense to me because wouldn't happiness/joy/bliss also just be an illusion then? why couldn't it be that bad is the only thing that exists, and happiness is the illusion? speaking from the very little experience i have on this, it makes sense. often when i take walks alone i just walk around and observe the world. and when i do that, it's like the observable present is the only thing that exists and everything is just so goddamn beautiful that i shiver over and over again, and nothing is of more or less value, everything is just so outstandingly perfect and amazing. like, i could see an old dirty shoe on the side of the road and literally cry because it's so beautiful. i realize now that people who see me on those walks probably think i'm totally insane lol this is the closest i have come to experiencing something similar to what you said, if i'm understanding you correctly. and based in that little experience, it makes total sense. that said, i think (based on your videos) most of your insights are way over my head, and i would like to ask you if it's really wise to pursue this kind of truth-happiness-oneness-god thing directly? i know that people easily misunderstand things that are not yet possible for them to grasp. depending of how developed people are, it seems like their self-development goals should be different. so is this a goal everyone can work towards, or are there other ways of looking at happines/truth that i would benefit from working on first? (would estimate that i'm at spiral dynamics green/yellow and i relate heavliy to the first postconventional stage in cook-greuters ego development paper (not done reading the paper yet though), if this might help answer my question)

@tatsumaru Also don't narrow down Love/Bliss/Ecstacy to human emotion sense categories. This would be a mistake so to say

@tatsumaru What your calling wholeness is the same as what Leo is referring to as Oneness, so in that sense your debating semantics. There's still a lot you don't understand and I think shin may be pointing some of that. Love/Bliss/Ecstacy of its own accord may be one of those things which you have not awakened much or at all to. The emptying of mind is to see the lack of opposites, its just another way of understanding such. There are perhaps infinite paths to understanding this stuff so to say, don't get to caught up in your lineage. It may even be wise to be open minded, drop what you've learned and take a dive into other "paths", experiment, it could be just what you need to round out awakening.

Because once you realize there is no difference between anything, then you discover Heaven. You are then literally floating in Heaven because you are 100% conscious that nothing bad can happen. Bad is the illusion that one thing is worse than another. But if there is no difference between anything, bad literally becomes impossible. And what remains is a profound bliss. You literally become immortal and untouchable. That's realizing the Oneness of God. You are assuming a difference between the illusion of difference and it's opposite. That is duality, not Oneness. How can it not? Infinity must have the capacity to make itself finite, otherwise it isn't infinite. There is no higher harmony than the Oneness of which I speak. Indifference is not human indifference, it is ecstasy and Love. Love is just a complete lack of bias. When your bias for the various parts of reality drops to zero, your Love of all its parts rises to Infinity. God is Love because God has zero biases. God Loves all its parts equally much because it has no self to favor any one part. Human love is biased because you are selfish. God's Love is unbiased because God is selfless. Selflessness IS Love!

But then we have the other side of the coin and if we borrow a terminology from the hindus, a saguna brahman. That is brahman with infinite qualities, infinite being with infinite conciousness and infinite experiences. Which is an infinite mind as well. I really like the saguna/nirguna brahman teachings. Nirguna is more of a principle and saguna is the active part of brahman. Nirguna=non being perhaps Saguna = GOD as it is traditionally known. Perhaps you created the universe and this is a play since there is nothing to do. Either bliss forever within itself or create exciting dreams where there are others and you forgot your true nature. I think the both theories can be combined into one unified whole which can include Nothingness and everythingness. An infinite fractal and it is also a holon. That makes sense to me ? Infinite candy store with infinite possibilitys of horror,bliss,excitment,universes etc.

Thanks to you guys,I managed to go through the nauseous cloudy feeling in my Body! Awakening? Okay, so I mentioned that sometimes when I am close to awakening this rotten feeling of discomfort comes through my Body, and I always used to stop when it occured and then felt bad about it. Today I went through with it. I just let it expand and noticed the fear and feeling of unease expecting an awakening or some kind of mystical experience, my heart started pounding and then: nothing happened. I expected some fireworks at the end of going through that thing I struggled with for months, but nothing at all, my heart calmed down and I just continued meditating. Then after my meditation app stopped I sat there for a while, eyes closed, and I don't entirely remember what happened (even though it was 10 minutes ago). But the darkness in front of my eyes became white and I was kind of absorbed into that "loud silence" After a few minutes I opened my eyes and was really confused looking around the room, I got a little bit nervous and then my normal sense of self returned. No bliss, no dream-awakening, no pleasure, no pain, no nothingness. What is that "experience" I went through? I did self-inquiry followed by 20 minutes breath-concentration practice. How am I supposed to classify it, if I cannot remember it correctly? Is that cessation? A jhana? A seizure (I hope not lol)?

What Do You Want to be When You Grow Up? Part 1: Fetishizing and Monetizing Your Interests I feel like I haven't been writing as much ever since I found out that this is my ideal medium for my life purpose. I had to push myself to write the last couple full length posts and push through the resistance. I started asking myself why this resistance is there in the first place? I think when I put writing into this context of this ~~**grand life purpose**~~ or ~~**hero's journey**~~ part of me felt overwhelmed by it. I know with the whole hero's journey metaphor that there is a part where the hero gets a call to action but they don't want to take it even if it is exciting and fulfilling because they want to be in their cushy, comfortable lives. I think I resonate with this a little bit but I think a more important concept to consider is this thing called "detachment from outcome." Both the concepts of the hero's journey and detachment from outcome are discussed in the life purpose course. The hero's journey is the emotional and mythological framework behind the life purpose course. The hero is some naive person living in the ordinary world in a simple life and then something unusual presents itself to them. Then, the journey presents itself to them and they get a call to adventure. While it is exciting and interesting, it's also scary for the person because they don't want to leave the comfort of their mundane life. Then the call presents again usually because something dramatic happens. The hero gets cornered and with much resistance the hero gets on the journey to find the holy grail (or in this case achieve some type of long term goal). The hero faces a variety of obstacles and has to go into uncharted territory. Along the road they find a mentor that helps them but eventually they have to figure things out on their own. Eventually, the hero goes through the challenges and achieves their goal. But by now the challenges and the journey turned them into a different person and the meaning of their original goal changes. Then they bring back their holy grail and achievements back to their community and then becomes a mentor to help another hero in the future. Detachment from outcome is when you do have a calling in life but you don't take it too seriously because in the end nothing means anything and it all leads to the same place which is death. Your purpose isn't about where you end up rather it is about the journey, about how you grow, about how you enjoy yourself on the way there. Sometimes the problem with life purpose is that we take it too seriously and start acting in cringey ways or we treat people badly because we have a stick up our ass. You flow through life rather than imposing yourself on it. There is little to no resistance involved. The only thing that is guaranteed is doing your work and enjoying your work. The rest are just the icing on the cake. You shouldn't expect perks or rely on it. And detachment helps because when you are tense, anxious, neurotic, and competitive, you aren't producing your best work than if you were relaxed and enjoying the process. I think the concept that resonates with a person more is completely relative. For me personally, I found that detaching from the outcome is more important than having a grand compelling vision (even though I have one of those to a certain extent). Because I think the problem with only thinking about the hero's journey and following your bliss instead of balancing it out with detachment from outcome is that you can fall into the trap of fetishizing your interests rather than cultivating your passion. I find that a lot of creative people and type A, super ambitious people tend to fall into this trap more. First off with creative people, it's very easy for them to get into the flow of whatever creative outlet that they choose. Even though I didn't go into studying art in college, I know people who did and I found that they walk in with this sense of passion but then school sucks it out of them because then there is this pressure of deadlines and this sense of obligation. When there is that sense of obligation, you become attached to the outcome and it isn't something you intrinsically want to do rather it is something you *have to do*. I have some experience with this when I took studio art in high school. I enjoy drawing but when I was being graded on it, it took me out of that flow state. And my teacher was basically talking to us about when you have clients you have to be more perfectionistic in your class and produce exactly what they said (the fact that she was a harsh and rigid grader didn't help my sense of creativity if I'm going to be honest). And that's when I realized that maybe a creative field might not be for me. I don't think I'm super comfortable with monetizing my creative outlets. And if I am to do something creative, I really need to have another job that will take care of my expenses. Because first of all, I'm not about that starving artist life. Second and more importantly, I feel that when you put so much pressure on your craft to where it's your main source of livelihood (or worse an unstable source), that your survival instincts interfere with your ability to be creative because you're more worried about having a roof over your head rather than focusing on doing your best work. That's when you get attached to outcome. While monetizing your hobbies and interest can be a nice plus, I don't think focusing on the monetization aspect is the healthiest way of going about it. I don't think that life purpose is all about career or your job and thinking about life purpose in that way can lead to unhealthy consequences. (I'm going to do a whole post talking about the type A, super ambitious people and capitalism in the next post since this is getting rather long). Another problem that creatives sometimes run into is fetishizing their interests. I believe that there is a difference between having interests and having a passion. It's like comparing initial attraction to a stable long term relationship. At first with your interests you have this honeymoon phase where you are super enthusiastic and excited about what you're going to do. After that honeymoon phase is up, that's the real test of how long term this interest, whether it be for a creative venture or a partner, would last. I think with people who fetishize their interests or fetishize this idea of what a relationship is supposed to be like, that they want the honeymoon phase to last forever and have that constant high, that the romanticize the process instead of seeing it for what it is and appreciate it even when it gets mundane and boring. Because if you are really passionate about an interest, romantic or otherwise, you won't need that constant titillations and you're ok when things get a little slow because there is an intrinsic motivation there apart from chasing excitement. Because from what I know about long term relationships (granted this knowledge comes from friends and things I've read so doing @ me lol) is that after a while of being with that person, it becomes kind of meh and routine but it's not necessarily a bad thing. Sure you need to look out for stagnation and signs of not trying anymore but there is something beautiful about being able to appreciate that stillness, being content, and just, well, being with your partner. I think it's the same with life purpose when it comes to detaching from outcome and being content and intrinsically motivated. I think there is something that is more sustainable in finding a passion that you are interested in and that lights up the spark in you but you see that passion as a tool to sharpen and as a craft to slowly master rather than romanticizing the craft. It's the difference between a firework that is exciting, loud, and unpredictable and that goes off in like 3 seconds and a slow burning fire that actually keeps you warm through the winter. I also think that the difference between interests and passions is the consistency you are able to cultivate, again like the slow burning fire. I was interested in writing but I didn't realize how passionate I was about it until I spent like a year on this journal, writing these pseudo blogposts on this forum, and cultivating my interest into something consistent. And to be perfectly honest, I wasn't expecting this. I started this journal out of fun and basically me shitposting my thoughts and I didn't think much of it. I believe that being detached from outcome and not taking this journal seriously was the reason why I was able to be consistent because I didn't feel like I had to force myself to do anything. I mean my first post was: I also really liked this post from a thread I made about a week back when I was questioning the medium to my life purpose. I thought about it quite often if I'm going to be honest. It really resonated with me. This is also a video that I find articulates my points above quite well:

Look Iam the consciousness which says "I am", I am is being itself, it always is being'd... But that doesnt mean your mind does not need a rest. Meditation is like performing general scans on your system. To know thyself deeply from within, you might say. I am not fooling myself into anything, as I meditate for the love of meditating itself. Meditation for me means to be aware that I am aware and sink into that feeling knowing of existence itself. Pure beingnessand isness. But sometimes the story gets very challenging and I have to start doing and I sometimes lose the calm and bliss of being!

"Ultimately, life is neither suffering nor bliss. It is what you make it." - Sadhguru

Main objection/frustration: If Enlightment depends on your brain state of consciousness, what is the point on meditating or doing mindful practices through the day? 1). I have come to the conclusion I can't raise my baseline state meditating through the whole fucking day (been doing Isha Kriya meditation this last days FOR HOURS through the day trying to completely eliminate the ego in my life = trying to achieve a light state of non duality sober). Can't do it. I always fall back. I achieve some seconds of bliss/heaven for some seconds and then the rest is kind of yes/no ego. I am not really deep suffering but there is still ego. I am not really joyful. But I keep doing it because I believe it will come a point where the ego will let go completely. But maybe I should just stop Lol. Why? Because the 2). Point below 2.) The thing is when I am doing this mindfulness I am not in this neurotic state of achieving stuff of spiral dynamics stage orange. Which is precisely which makes me suffer and Actually is counterproductive to achieve it (being neurotic). BUT, you guys say that one should first achieve this stuff (self growth of the minor s, sex, money, success of the ego) and then go for Enlightment. So the ego gets neurotic to get it done. But then I see the ego is ruining my life and I start meditating. But meditating makes me not being so serious about achieving it!! And then I'm at this stage of not achieving shit but neither being Enlightened! Wtf! Lol Then what do I do??? See if I choose one thing I'm damned and if I choose the other I'm damned too. 3). Yesterday night I was feeling sick and couldn't sleep and I took a drug that I know is good when you feel sick and makes you fall asleep. I had no tolerance for this drug because I quit a time ago, but I still wasn't expecting the strong effects it gave me. It triggered me a realization of the Self (it's not a psychedelic at all but when you have had awakenings and meditate, a lot of drugs can put you into spiritual states that for normies wouldn't). I was Consciousness and I was aware of the "I" thoughts. It's great that I got into this state but it's also very sad that still brain chemistry dictates everything. Why the fuck I can't get here by meditating? The drugs are just some neurochemistry imaginary keys.

So, what is the point of saying that God is desperate in his eternal loneliness? in addition to scaring people not as advanced as you, who have not had those realizations. I had many realizations of being the absolute alone, some was horrible, others was bliss. I don't trust any. Any realization could help you to dissolve the ego, but believe them as a dogma make the opposite. No idea is real.

Would not recommend to anyone who values their life to follow solipsistic notions like the ones in this thread. You can get insane things happen and they will only happen to you. You will be ready for looneyville if you are not careful and radically openminded etc. Many would go insane after meeting the Devil and many other crazy things that happened to me due to the solipsistic notion. Might be truth, but is it a truth you want? Maybe there is more wisdom in the saying "Ignorance is bliss" I have anothet quote for you: knowing is love's biggest enemy. I would also direct you towards the apple of knowledge in the garden of eden to further support this.

Why are you in bliss now?

I was wondering whether anyone else had experienced Kundalini as a Goddess. During the initial stages of my awakening, during 2011-2012, I experienced Kundalini as a serpentine energy, as descibed by most people and classical works on the subject. During the latter stages, the sensation became physical and whenever Kundalini was active inside me, I experienced a black serpent wriggling around in my body, along the spine, gradually rising ever further upwards and bumping its head against energetic blocks in my body in a rhythmic fashion. When the serpent got stuck, just above the heart chakra and couldn’t push its head through the knot found there, I experienced intense chronic chest pain, heart palpitations, neurological symptoms, such as memory loss and slowness of movement. I then prayed for divine intervention and the Goddess appeared to me in person, performed shaktipat on me, then united with me energetically and allowed me to experience enlightenment, a breakthrough at the final knot at the top back part of the head (I believe this is called Brahmarendra, the cavity of God), which broke with an audible cracking noise. Then, liquid light came roaring in, I expanded in all directions in an ecstatic bliss and became boundless and all-knowing, at least for a short while. In that state, I felt universal and understood everything about reality, universe, life, or whatever else you can think of. When i eventually returned to my body, I only retained a tiny portion of the knowledge I had access to in the universal state. I also felt constrained and suffocated by my own body, but I gradually returned to normal consciousness. The Goddess aspect of Kundalini is rarely emphasised, or if so, usually only in abstract terms, but I wonder how many people have been visited by her as a living Goddess and how common this is? I found a reference in the book of essays, Kundalini Rising, by Lawrence Edwards, whose experience closely mirrors my own. I’m not sure how much I can quote from his work, before triggering the copyright bots, so I’ll try to quote only the most succinct sections, that are most relevant to this point. Chapter: Kundalini Her Symbols of Transformation and Freedom LAWRENCE EDWARDS, PHD THE GIFTS OF MAHA KALI “ Once a renowned author who had written about Kundalini came to meet my guru, Swami Muktananda. Baba, as my guru was known, was revered for his exalted visions of the Kun- dalini and his rare ability to give shaktipat. The author, too, had visions of Kundalini, but to him she appeared quite unimpressive, looking like an ordinary woman, not like a God- dess at all. As he waited outside the room where Baba was receiving visitors, he was astonished to have a vision of the Goddess Kundalini herself entering the room where Baba was—only this time she appeared in her most regal and resplendent form, magnif- icent and awe inspiring … Baba, he asked why it was that she appeared so ordinary to him, while for Baba she came as the Goddess of the Universe. Baba replied simply, “Because I worship her.” … The intense practices I began doing culminated in a series of meditation experiences in Baba’s ashram meditation hall during a weekend retreat in 1982. Various forms of the Goddess began appearing fully and spontaneously in meditation, as real as any person standing in front of me. I worshipped each in turn, trembling and awestruck as I did and only able to do so because of the strength the Shakti gave me in the moment to withstand Her Divine presence. Goddess after Goddess appeared until finally Maha Kali was present there before me. I prayed with all my heart to be able to stay conscious. Her skin was blacker than black, like deep black velvet in a darkened room. Yet in some miraculous way Her form was radiant, revealing Her own richly magnificent blackness. A thought ap- peared in my mind: “My God, this is Kali! She’s the Great Mother, Goddess of the Uni- verse, creator and destroyer of all that is!” But She was in the most exquisite, beautiful, loving form, not the fearsome presence She is usually depicted as having. This was Her hidden form. I did the only thing I knew to do: I did puja to Her, an ancient Indian form of worship, while shaking with a mixture of fear, awe, and overwhelming love. Tears flowed down my cheeks. Then the Goddess came forward and embraced me, wrapping Herself around me. Everything slowed down. I could feel myself gradually merging into Her, and I could hear Her laughing the wildest, most ecstatic laugh! We disappeared from the ordinary world. My awareness shifted, and I could see the whole solar system with all its planets, and then stars and galaxies being withdrawn into Her. The entire universe was merging into Her, and all the while it was merging, the infinitude of the cosmos rever- berated with Her ecstatic laughter. Finally, I disappeared into Her as I dissolved into infi- nite Light and Love, and then into a nothingness beyond even that, beyond the mind, be- yond any duality of experience. There simply was no “me” left; I was gone, gone, gone be- yond. … The experience ended; feeling profoundly grateful, I bowed to my inner guru, my Goddess Kundalini. This had all unfolded as a re- sult of shaktipat from my Siddha master, Muktananda Baba, years earlier, and my prayer to know the highest form of worship of Kundalini. Complete worship merges you with the one you worship. Through worship and prayer, the Goddess reveals the mysteries of Her creation to Her creature: the seeker—you! … No words can describe how overwhelmed and truly awestruck I was by the appearance of the Goddesses classically depicted in the chakras, followed by Maha Kali Herself. These were the Goddesses that Kundalini manifests, as well as Her primal form as Maha Shakti, the great power, that takes the form of Maha Kali, the Black Goddess. It is this highest power that dissolves the universe as She merges into the sahasrara, creating it once again as She descends from that transcendent realm. … Just as the aspects of Divine Consciousness were being presented to my awareness sym- bolically in the forms of the Goddesses, in the same way the union with those Divine forms was symbolized by sexual union. Readers familiar with the experiences of mystics of many spiritual traditions will recognize that this is a common way for union with the Di- vine to express itself. Very often the Tantric traditions, both yogic and Buddhist, that deal with the Divine Feminine depict union in this way. Carnal symbolism and the experience of that form of symbolic merger in meditation are often confusing for people, especially Westerners, who take it literally. From: Kundalini Rising: Exploring the Energy of Awakening. Sounds True Inc. Short Excerpts from pages 294-298 “ So, this is really interesting to me, as it is so close to my own experience of Union with the Goddess and her many visits to me. Maybe it is a bit esoteric (on in other words, Tantric), but I would really like to hear from others who may have experienced this.

I ended in a crisis unit when I realized my true nature. It wasn't easy for me at all. I had a complete and utter meltdown. But now I am in bliss.

I also think that gathering tools that help limit the amount of choices you have in creation are useful. I like the book the addiction formula for that. Sometimes we also need to take an inner look at ourselves. A great book for doing a deeper reflection of our selves as artists is The Artists Way. I go through ups and downs of writers block. I have found that there is not really writers block though. What you need to do is just create everyday without too much focus on the outcome. Get it to the point where the 15 minutes is simply enjoyable and you are flowing in the creativity and joy of the music. From there you naturally want to get better and improve. Follow your bliss and build structure around the bliss to flesh it out!

Then what makes you anything but a reincarnation of Shiva? Your belief surrounding it. I had to accept that I was an incarnation of this being and then surrender my entire Being to the guidance of this being while encompassed in crown chakra bliss (I prefer Holy Spirit as a term for this, but it’s not very active here) to experience my deepest awakening. I gave the most intense form of Bhakti in that moment.

Does your life suck? Or can you recognize the divine bliss of heaven by sitting down and breathing? If you knew such bliss, even hardships, illnesses, and struggles will be contextualized and recognized as primordially perfect. Speaking from someone who has a very difficult to manage illness that’s being exploited as a cash cow by the US pharmaceutical industry. Heaven is still available. As the suffering increases, the harder such a view becomes, obviously. Stop focusing on the immensity of the suffering imo. You can’t change that. But you can change your own. This is, counterintuitively, the work needed to help alleviate the suffering of the world.

This is ridiculous. Nobody here in this forum has the balls to perform mahasamadhi, so you are safe. If they would they would have 'gone' already. Also, imo mahasamadhi is just getting to samadhi in such a potent and constant way that you abide in such a bliss and infinite love consciousness that you obviously forget about taking care of the body and it's needs, so you just die there after X days or weeks of not eating and not drinking water. Simple.

After a week of intense meditation, I’ve finally grasps what it truly means to be immortal. Through direct consciousness, I realized that the “I” deemed as Self is not located anywhere in my present experience. Therefore, whatever happens to the body that appears in my consciousness is a happening that applies to the body, and not the “I” that is my True Self. That includes death and injury. This not only applies to physical phenomenon but also mental and emotional...the thoughts and feelings are just appearances in consciousness and not personal to the “I” that is True Self. Everything is simply being witnessed by a Being that can’t be pointed to...that being is us! Not being located in time and space truly feels like bliss/heaven! This is a fresh insight that I will have to deepen..but had to get the excitement out in some kind of way. We cannot lose our existence...because existence is infinite. We are existence...we are immortal.

@Terell Kirby Why would you want to escape? It's bliss ?

i'm writing this partly because i'm bored, but also to jot down my motivation for self realization. * once i attain liberation from fears and suffering, i'll go to my nearest starbucks and start chatting up girls and making friends with them. *i'll go outside and meditate in public in very crowded areas (usually i'm extremely embarressed to do that). then others who also meditate will join me as well and i'll make some good friends that way. *i'll start dancing with pure bliss and fearlessness in public and make good friends that way. *i'll sing in public (not in a annoying way though lol). *i'll be extremely confident and be completely free in my social relationships. *i'll be an extrovert

Culadasa the author of The mind illuminated is dying of cancer. It's interesting to hear the experience of a master meditator (first part of the video) It's interesting that he says that he can't repress the feeling of panic when he can't breath, and being master meditator doesn't help in that regard. I remember dying of suffocation, if one stays aware during the breath arrest comes a point where the panic turns into bliss when you realize that the suffering of suffocation was self created and you're now effectively free of the breath you go into the deepest meditative state without psychedelics.

Ever since childhood I've had ADHD. Continually acting out, I was constantly chastised by my parents for my impulsivity and inability to focus. At the time I simultaneously was known as "that weirdo kid" and "the smart kid." As I've learned that many ADHD kids face, I was repeatedly told how much potential I had (inferring that I’m wasting it). Throughout middle and high school I was able to tame my inner spirit of acting out, as I became aware how much I was screwing up my own life by never paying attention, so I was able to force myself to get it together. The main remnant of my ADHD (which, I'll note, I was never diagnosed with for a very long time) was lack of focus. It seems pretty straightforward. You can do concentration practice, and you can meditate. You can find your passion and do things that really excite you. One of these things is sure to tame your inner beast. It's just focus, right? Unfortunately, it was never so easy for me. I really don't like being the victim and relinquishing all hope over my life, so as a precursor to the rest of this, I haven't given up hope. I just need some input. Back to the story. Throughout taking some pretty difficult classes (for an undiagnosed ADHD kid), I found myself studying more than my peers for many assignments and taking school seriously. Doing work was so infuriating, and it still can be. Because even on medication now, I have trouble focusing. It only alleviates the issue. In school, no class would go by where I didn't look at the clock at least 5 times. If you're not familiar with the brain chemistry component of ADHD, people are not hyperactive and unfocused because there is a chemical that causes them to be distracted. Rather, it's a lack of dopamine, which leads to a lack of sustained focus and interest. I've heard theories that this is because back in hunter-gatherer societies, humans couldn't be focused on one thing for too long, otherwise they could be killed by a wild animal. Whatever the cause may be, it makes it so that you don't find an interest in so many things. I can’t “lose yourself" in many activities as many neurotypical people can. Simply "find your passion" is *not* enough to ignite me. I've taken Leo's life purpose course and read books on mastery + LP. I've done meditation and concentration practice, as well as breathing work. I still meditate on a daily basis. I've watched countless videos on YT for how to "find your passion," and I have probably more than 100 google docs journals writing in pure frustration and confusion, not to mention I've tried probably around 10 - 15 activities/hobbies in search of finding that *one* I really enjoyed. I can only imagine the ease with which a neurotypical person can "find their purpose" and just be done. I would do anything to wake up in the morning out of love of one's craft. I've had periods where I would be willing to trade an arm and a leg for a deep passion. I'm so jealous of people who can immerse themselves in activities. When I see someone who goes "I can work for 12+ hours at a time in full immersion because I love what I do." all I can think of is what hells I can put myself through to get there. It's excruciating. Most people probably know the general idea of the concepts presented in Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi's "Flow" by now. This is where you become a master in your craft of choice, and get to points where you can just focus for extended periods of bliss. Although I find certain things can be enjoyable, I don’t really have a passion that can get focus/flow states, (sadly) with the exception of videogames: For me, the main thing I've really been able to achieve a flow state in is videogames. It's all I really want to do a lot of the time. Before I even had my personal computer, my parents told me I would try playing some rudimentary games on the ancient preschool computer/device. I don’t know what it is, but I just lose touch with my body, the world, and can lose myself for hours. This is what's known as "hyperfocus" in ADHDers. We can't control what we hyperfocus on. We just do. For me, it's videogames. I become immersed. Apart from that and some really beautiful shows I've seen, nothing can grasp and pull me in the same way. After a long day of confusion, I just want to load up my game and fight against other people. It’s just me and my mouse at that point, and it feels great, except for that nagging feeling in the back of my head that I’m wasting my life and that I’m being lazy again. As for some other things I (sort of) enjoy, there’s story building and creating fictional, intricate worlds, fine visual arts - specifically drawing people and detailed machinery. I always liked the line-making aspect of drawing over the creative aspects of it, though. The repetitive motion and the pursuit of perfection was nice. I’m not super creative. Ever since a young age, I was much more logically inclined (left brain) and I always gravitated toward more puzzle-type logical things. Everyone knew me as being really good at math and a fast thinker. I remember also getting really into deck-building games and I would pore over different combinations for cards for hours. Adding onto that, I also really liked strategy and I remember getting lost in my head with different strategies for the games I played. I liked the aspect of tinkering with arranging different parts into something unique with deckbuilding in particular. Putting things together like that was always fun. That might be the closest I got to enjoying something creative, but I don’t really know how to transfer something like that to an LP. Pure creativity without a purpose to make something of value/something useful (I intellectually know all of this is still subjective) like abstract art or art in general turned me off, and it still does. A reason I was never really able to get into writing/world creation was because no matter how many hard magic systems I built, nothing felt like it had inherent meaning (Again, subjective opinion). I liked making really intricate, detailed things through art, but never really the actual artistic part. There are a few artistic works I've seen that have just really struck me like lightning, but other than that, I haven't really been able to appreciate much art throughout my life. More so than creative, I also enjoyed any sort of competitive activity - I was fiercely competitive and it would engulf me. I liked the skill ladder for any pursuit that I could climb and improve against others. As for my skills, I’m very intuitive. When I was very good at math as a kid, it would be because I knew how all the cogs of the metaphorical machine worked, and I could just intuit the answer. I didn’t really think in words by saying (seven times four means I add seven.. one, two, three, four times), but instead my mind would just jump to the answer. I wouldn’t think in pictures, but I would just feel the way of doing the problem. I’ve pondered the idea of being like a hands-on-craftsman, or, more generally, I like the idea of going into a field where I can tinker and feel my way through things. As I grew up, though, I was taught to solve all problems in words via deductive reasoning, and given the complexity of many problems in school, I often made silly mistakes and, to this day, take longer than most to understand most concepts. Also, I can read people’s emotional states very well. Sometimes I find myself responding to people based on the “vibe” they’re giving off, rather than the words that are coming out of their mouth. I can be very socially attuned to how people react to certain things. I also really enjoy being able to give presentations/talks and teaching information. I remember teaching concepts would always light me up. I can’t really see myself being a teacher, or therapist though. It’s very frustrating because I feel like I have all these strands, yet asked “what do you really want?”, the strands don’t come together to form any cohesive piece. I’m incredibly mercurial, switching from one thing to the next. Nothing really sticks. As for my impact on the world, I care more about quality of impact on more individual scales, rather than widespread, thinned impact. Apart from this, I’m still searching, as I have been for as long as I can remember. Unfortunately for me, I can’t really "hyperfocus" on much of anything else besides games, including many of the activities I listed above. When I have to do something, I can do the activity, and often I do. I force myself, though. I’ve gotten good at doing chores, and unfortunately 95%+ of life feels like one to me. This had led to a lot of neuroses, such as constantly, constantly thinking about the future. I can stay in the present for short periods of time, but there’s little attraction to the present moment for me. I’m an excessive overthinker and I tend to live in my head and doubt myself a lot. I'm a big worrier and perfectionist too, although I'm working on not feeding these thoughts. One skill I’ve obtained from suffering with ADHD for so long is the ability to “just get through it”. Especially on medication, I can force myself through the day, but I rarely enjoy most of the activities. I “get through” this activity, then “get through” this work, and then I “get through” this other thing. It’s not purely a mindset thing, either. I just don’t enjoy so much of life. Always living for the future. The first approach to this problem : Reading a lot about the creative freedoms of mastery and the fulfillment that masters get from improving their craft, I’ve always wanted to master a skill. I read “So Good They Can’t Ignore You” by Cal Newport and "Mastery" by Robert Greene, and I’m starting to think that maybe I need to force and grind my way to mastery. My dad always commented that “You only seem to really like the things that you’re good at.” Perhaps when I’ve reached the top of skill mountain, I can see things from a different vantage point and do what I really enjoy. With implementing strong habits and having friends keeping me accountable, I could pick a domain I’m willing to put in the time for, and grind out the skills necessary. I’m super competitive, so that could help in this quest for developing skill. I know this doesn’t seem too healthy, putting grind over passion, and putting competition over creativity. At this point though, it’s the best strategy I can think of for myself. I have a habit of switching my focuses right away (because again, I find so little things interesting), so perhaps if I could just stay stuck like glue to one skill and put in 2k-5k-10k hours, I’ll be able to enjoy life more. If I make a plan and force myself to stick to it, maybe I would begin to enjoy it along the way. I don’t think keeping the habit or laziness would be the issue if I really decided to go down this road, it’s more so whether I would genuinely want to make this time commitment. The second approach I could take is to just keep looking. To find something that really gets me on fire, that one thing I can laser-focus on and I can keep coming back to by being pulled, rather than pushing myself. (everything right now is me pushing myself). This would be nice. It feels like I’ve exhausted so many options, though. TL DR Is it a pitfall to make a synthetic LP through just getting skilled at one thing until I can appreciate that thing at a deeper level and attain deeper levels of focus? Or should I keep searching for something that really draws me in? I have bad ADHD and cannot find enjoyment in many activities the “normal” way. Thank you for sticking with me through the long read. I’d be grateful for any advice.

Yeah this is how I feel now. It’s like I blew myself out with such a strong No-Self on that live awakening a couple weeks ago or w/e. Since then, my ego and “Self” are in so much harmony because I know the unreality of any substance or truth beyond the appearances. People act like they understand this shit all the time, but without some quite deep awakenings along a lot of different lines and angles and states of viewing all this, it’s not likely you really can appreciate the Truth in the wisdom you’re still mostly parroting out of a thin layer of remaining faith and also skepticism of the most radical teachings. You can bust the ground out from under yourSelf though too. That’s what full, waking state and vibrant cessation is. I’d wager to say my NS cessations were probably more impactful than most because it was like God Consciousness & beyond awakening for 30 mins - 1 hr > NS cessation > God Consciousness awakening for two minutes > NS cessation > God Consciousness tapers down rather quickly and is replaced by the most serene peace imaginable. If all deities and such powerful beings existed in a single physical marketplace, I’d become the richest of them all if I could manage to bottle up the post NS & God-Realization multiple existential orgasms into a consumable product. It’s like smoking a cigarette after sex, but you didn’t have a single flimsy human physical orgasm. You became both the Dao and God and had sex with these different realities and immutable energies and had that kind of an Orgasm. Then you had that kind of satisfied equanimity and bliss to a corresponding degree. All of Existence and Nonexistence rest in the true primary and eternal reality which can be spoken of and perceived that is your awareness. It’s all You baby.