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So yesterday i absolutely awoken myself as God, the Creator of all of my dream. I become conscious there wasnt any other than me ever. It was shocking because i actually remembered that i had awoken when i was 19-20 years old when i took lsd some times for the first time, withouth knowing at all What was God/non duality etc, But i was in such a Bliss for almost over a year. The Avatar was just not conscious of What that state meant. But as Consciousness i was awake i let go of the identity of for over a year . It was so funny because after awakening and being in that no ego state for almost a year, the ego formed again and It started to create an ideology of "non duality", and of course as God i started to create Actualized, Mooji, The concept of "awareness", and of course i thought the absolute/God was something outside me that i had to "get". I also imagined 5-meo-dmt as breadcrump to remember again What i had forgotten. The astonishment when i realized that i created every detail of the dream is truly jawdropping. And What NOW?? Remember that i am always Now, Able to Create whatever i want! Whenever i start to fall away into the belief i am a thought, i just touch my hands, i say out loud I AM HERE I AM HERE, AWAKE! THIS is what's real, Truth! What do i create? I choose Love, Power and Joy, this is my dream ??️?

What’s really nice about my path now is that even though I come from my heart chakra I’m very grounded and have a constant flow of energy from the lower chakras + my heart chakra. It’s not just my heart chakra taking control, throwing me ungrounded into the beauty of reality. I’ve experienced that, it’s nice but has no substance for me. Doesn’t guide, just insights someone. The first post of mine wasn’t grounded any bit whatsoever, how I needed that release of everything I’ve been holding in. It’s funny how we just keep growing. Sometimes the suffering is the greatest teacher. We may hate, we may love, it really doesn’t matter. As long as you experienced what you were meant to and understand that “now” can be anything, pain, bliss, and it’s all perfect. Neither is better than the other. My path wasn’t easy but I’d never want it to be. There is a love in the pain. A sorrow in the love. A craving, an insight.

@NoSelfSelf Thank you, so by a game you mean we are in charge of the importance we give to things, and thus also in control of the amount of suffering or bliss we experience, is that the extent of our freedom in this life ?

@Leo Gura @7thLetter Hey, don't be discriminating against extraverts guys, just because ya'll feel drained being in social situations. but honestly that's true, when I'm alone I feel insane and depressed, but when I find someone to talk to you, I get all jazzed up and my self-esteem starts flying with the roof when I'm with my friends, it's because extraverts get eachother siked up, and it gives us this high sort of bliss and can accomplish amazing things that just one lone introvert couldn't. But being an introvert is great, because you can think clearly by yourself without having to manage all the ideas flying around. But, don't ever ponder the idea for one second that extraverts can't self-actualize. We just love People, that's the bottom line.

Leo always says that God can dream all sorts of things. an infinite number of possibilities. But I think God is also limited. I mean God is still infinite but its other features limit its infinity. Like Love and intelligence limit the possibilities that God can imagine. Here is a quote from Leo's episode " why God forgives devilry"\ "infinite consciousness can can construct its own physical material hell if it wants to because it's infinite creative potential infinite creative potential means that you can imagine atoms molecules cells creatures aliens angels devils it can dream all sorts of nightmares it can dream bliss realms of beautiful sex and food and whatever other material pleasures you desire money vacations anything the universe can literally imagine anything because it is pure infinite imagination" @Leo Gura what do you mean by if it wants to? Does God dream all these things? or it is not possible as God is limited by its own self?

There's really different aspects to what you are speaking of. First we have something of a desire that isn't satisfied with the physical, it's the spiritual churning one might call it. Once we have found contentment in just being present we experience no lacking and realize we are complete so the churning ceases. In this we are fulfilled with as it is and experience transcendent well being. Which brings me to the activities of life, if we approach them already fulfilled and all the joy of being that is expressed through us then we bring joy to the activity not seek joy from the activity. Our joy isn't dependent on the activity and it's acumen or accomplishment. This sort of orientation allows one to recognize which of the activities in life we do that actually resonates with our joy so it reflects it back. It feels as if joy is amplified by things that resonate with our transcending joy even though in liberation we experience a complete sense of well being and bliss once the spiritual churning ceases so it is already maxed out in us. This doesn't mean we stop doing the things we love, we actually have a complete joy we bring to them so can elevate the activity. Of course since that joy isn't dependent on them the struggles and challenges to refine them are steeped in the genuine joy of liberation not conditional appeasement of the self. I know the intuitive perspective would be to say that the spiritual path would also require alot of effort but the reality of it can be quite counter intuitive. Just being doesn't require any work at all, realizing that transcendent fulfillment in being present is the absence of attainment, it's recognizing already complete. So working hard to refine skill will allow one to achieve each next level but doing it while being present in realized completeness and fulfillment is an experience of joy that cannot be described though once one does experience it then it is understood.

Well its interesting...your not wrong in the sense that imagination literally is reality. Which is precisely what a dream is. Inside the dream you cannot tell the difference between real and imaginary because there is nothing to contrast it with. However if your state of consciousness changed in which you stepped outside that entire reality, only then would it be seen as imaginary. And then you might wonder - well can you then step to another level of consciousness and step outside of that? And the answer there is no because that is Infinity. You can perhaps reach infinitely higher infinite states but at this point you are God Consciousness or Absolute Consciousness. This is what all the sages discuss- Absolute Divinity- Absolute Love - Divine Bliss- Nirvana - Death, Oneness, Truth, etc... That is not imagination - that is the thing (actually nothing) that imagines!. Now note here I am just pointing to it. The Tao is not the Tao, or something like that. Now, Maybe I'm full of shit and imagining ALL Of THAT!! but hey maybe I'm not? So of course Mario inside the dream can be told by someone that hey this is all a video game, and if he is open enough he can say yeah sure - so if it is but I am imagining its real then what's the difference? It IS real isn't it? And of course he would be right

I've actually made a lot of progress by switching my mindset in meditation towards accepting and loving everything that arises. But I still haven't managed to fully accept and experience the bliss and awesomeness from my peak psych trips. Like last night i managed to accept myself to the point where feelings of disgust came up, and based on my past trips if I can go into the sensation of disgust there is a great relief and release that comes from going deeper and transcending disgust, but I ended up avoiding the sensation and just patting myself on the back for going so deep. It just seems so simple, so when I can't do it i get frustrated. Like accept what is=happiness. But I still find myself here suffering and not enjoying what is.

I was just thinking, that ny country´s name means also "border". What a bliss it is to feel so connected to the place of birth. We will be fine - me and my country.

@erik8lrl Not cried, but there are certain movie scenes or songs that touch me deeply and it feels close to bliss. I've had incredible blissful experiences on psychidelics and it seemed to come from a deep acceptance of reality and dropping judgment, but I can't do this stuff at will. I have a tendency to suppress any crying that comes up. There have been more and more moments at work where I think of something and I get a bit teary eyed, but my immediate response is to cover it up and hide it.

@RendHeaven I mean that I don't feel a deep joy, bliss, etc about my life. Like I want to love my life, and experience it as amazing but I currently don't. If I am a loving person right now, then I want something better than love haha

Relative vs. Absolute Truth I’m watching Leo’s latest video Relative vs. Absolute truth. I always like to see if Leo’s Teaching meshes with that of The Diamond Approach. It usually does. Quite often they mesh pretty well. Because Absolute Truth has a listing of excerpts in the glossary, this would be a good time to see if there are any discrepancies. I haven’t found any. If anyone does find discrepancies, let us know. Arising of Relative Truth is Dependent Upon and in Response to One’s Personal History and the Present Situation The kind of objective truth that I have just described is not what is usually called ultimate truth in most spiritual traditions. But in our approach, when we talk about finding the truth, we include this kind of truth. I call it relative truth. By relative I don’t mean that different people will experience the same phenomenon differently. For example, what I feel as sadness, another person will not feel as hatred; if another person feels what I’m feeling, he or she will feel sad. It is relative truth because its arising is dependent upon and in response to one’s personal history and the present situation. It is the truth we find in the conventional dimension of experience. So, in the previous example, the sadness is an objective phenomenon, but it is dependent on my present experience, in the sense that it arises in response to specific conditions of this time and place. As those conditions change, the truth will change, which makes it relative. Furthermore, another person will likely have another phenomenon or feeling under similar circumstances, because each person’s experience is dependent on personal predispositions and history. It is easy to see this when we look at percepts such as sadness, anger, or love. These simple percepts always arise embedded in specific circumstances, and they are easy to agree upon as being objective truth. The same is true of actions, reactions, and behaviors; it’s easy to see what an angry reaction or a loving response is, for example. Spacecruiser Inquiry, pg. 345 At the Beginning of Inquiry, what You are Exploring is Relative Truth The exact nature of basic knowledge can be understood more precisely when we consider essential experience. At the beginning of inquiry, what you are exploring is relative truth, the truth of conventional experience. In the territory of relative truth, the fact that whatever you are experiencing is basic knowledge is not strikingly obvious yet. You do experience sadness and sensations, but you are still not recognizing those perceptions as knowledge, or knowingness, because of the dichotomy of observer and observed. Knowledge is still seen as the meaning or insight that you discern from your immediate perceptions. You believe that it is something added to the simple perception. Thus in conventional experience, when you see some relative truth, you end up with insights, and the content of those insights is considered to be knowledge. At some point, however, you come to the recognition of what we call “essential truth.” Essential truth is not an insight about something but the apprehending of the immediate reality of the moment. This immediate reality is presence—the quality of beingness—as when one is experiencing an essential aspect, such as Compassion or Strength. Spacecruiser Inquiry, pg. 80 The Fact of What is Happening The first type or level of truth that we encounter is what we call relative truth. Relative truth is the fact of what is happening, and we call it “relative” because it is specific to the person, the situation, and the time in which the experience is taking place; this means it is constantly changing. For example, the relative truth right now is that you are sitting reading this book, and a while ago the truth was that you were doing something else. The relative truth depends on the situation, and tells us the facts of what is happening now. These truths are the most obvious ones, and are the points of departure for contacting a deeper level of truth. If you inquire more deeply into the relative truth of a situation, you will find that the psychodynamic and existential bases of it begin to reveal themselves. Then, at some point, you might start to experience what we call the essential truth, which is the presence of Essence itself. Facets of Unity, pg. 75 Quotes about Absolute Truth Absolute Truth is Non-Spatial We need to remember that the absolute truth is non-spatial, and hence its inseparability from manifestation inevitably means coemergence. It is inseparable from any of its manifestations and therefore absolutely coemergent with all the manifest dimensions. It pervades everything so completely that there is no region, horizontal or vertical, where it does not reach. In fact, it is this understanding that led us to recognize, in chapter 21, that there is only the absolute. For if it pervades everything absolutely, then there is no region where it does not exist. If anything is not it, then it does not reach there, does not pervade it yet. The Inner Journey Home, pg. 438 Every Aspect, Even those of the Nonconceptual Reality and the Absolute Truth is Integrated Through Successive Steps The perspective we follow in this book is that the human being is born with many and various potentials. The more he actualizes these potentials the more he develops and matures. This process of maturation is the realization of his potentials. Most important of these potentials is Being, with all its aspects and dimensions. Each aspect, even those of the Nonconceptual Reality and the Absolute Truth, is integrated through successive steps: the discovery of the aspect of Being, the permanent realization of this aspect, and the actualization of the aspect, meaning the complete integration of it in one’s human life. Any of these steps can be termed enlightenment. However, each one of them involves the working through of some segment of ego, i.e., complete metabolism of it. This working through can appear as a process or as a sudden realization. Furthermore, the human potential cannot be encompassed by the imagination, for it is ultimately beyond conceptualization. Hence it is not possible to imagine something like the realization and actualization of all human potentials. Pearl Beyond Price, pg. 184 Self-realization of the Absolute Truth of Being The student may also come to understand that the love might be passionate and consuming, sweet and heavenly, but even that will tend to separate her somewhat from her beloved, for it relates her to it instead of totally disappearing into it. This only deepens her love to the point of totally annihilating all self-recognition. This precipitates the self-realization of the absolute truth of Being, where she becomes one with this dazzling mystery, totally identified with this luminous, crystal black vastness. The student realizes at this point that she is infinite and boundless, a vastness that has no end. It is as if she becomes the vastness of intergalactic space, seeing that this absolute blackness has a crystalline purity and clarity which make the blackness shimmer and glitter with indescribable brilliance. Her mind explodes into absolute clarity and brilliance, her heart a vastness of annihilating intimacy and bliss, and her body a shimmering which is the appearance of the totality of the universe. The Point of Existence, pg. 423 The Absolute is the Absolute and Final Truth of the Soul and Everything Else The aspect of Truth, for example, functions in helping the soul to discriminate between truth and falsehood, and hence guides her in her life and development towards greater and deeper truth. The deepening experience of Truth opens the soul to the ultimate truth, which is revealed to be the Absolute. In other words, the aspect of Truth reveals itself ultimately to be simply the manifestation of an implicit perfection inherent in the Absolute: The Absolute is absolute Truth. It is the absolute and final truth of the soul and everything else. Therefore, the aspect of Truth functions to provide the soul with the capacity of discrimination necessary for her life and development in the world, but also, and at the same time as it does that, it connects her with the Absolute, revealing it as her ultimate truth. The Point of Existence, pg. 441 The Absolute Truth of Being is Absolute Existence which is, at the Same Time, Absolute Absence of Any Weight or Substance She recognizes that it feels mysterious because she cannot determine its nature, which is absolutely indeterminable. She feels total solidity, a crystalline diamond solidity, but at the same time recognizes that she is absolutely nothing, that she is absence itself. The absolute truth of Being is absolute existence which is at the same time absolute absence. It is the source and essence of everything, but at the same time it is total openness, an absolute absence of any weight or substance. The fact that it is absolute nonexistence gives it its annihilating power. The self feels annihilated because it discovers that its absolute essence is total absence. There is actually no annihilation, only the realization of the selflessness of Being, whose absolute essence is totally ungraspable, completely beyond definition. This indeterminacy is experienced as a paradox of being and nonbeing, existence and nonexistence, neither and not neither. The Point of Existence, pg. 423 The Transition From Pure Consciousness to Absolute Truth is a Spontaneous Process. You Just let Yourself Be We each require different lengths of time to dissolve the habit of assumption and the belief in concepts. Some concepts are easier to abandon than others. But the fundamental idea we have to see through is the concept of being a separate entity. Once that goes, everything else becomes easier. You realize little by little that you don’t experience yourself as a separate person. Although you behave as a person and you do things as a person, you don’t feel that way. The transition from pure consciousness to the absolute truth is a spontaneous process. You just let yourself be. Then the darkness encroaches upon you little by little and you get eaten up. That’s probably why people have so many fears about being eaten up and swallowed whole. Ultimately, we will be consumed. From this perspective, the many things that people say about giving, loving, serving, and sacrificing mean seeing through the entity and all of its attachments. What you surrender is your mind. Being a giving person means not holding on to an entity. Surrender means losing the belief that you are an entity. Service means that being an entity is not the end. All of these are conceptual ways to approach the reality. But, in a sense, the reality cannot be approached, because the moment you approach it, you are already dealing in concepts. You are already taking yourself to be something approaching something else. Reality doesn’t really work that way. Diamond Heart Book Five, pg. 178 When You Realize the Absolute Truth You Realize that Everything is the Truth When I say that our orientation is to follow truth all the way to the Ultimate Truth, I mean that the inner journey transcends life and death. When we talk about the ultimate or absolute truth, we don’t mean some kind of mysterious thing someplace. In the beginning it might appear that the truth is some kind of distant, mysterious, unknowable thing, maybe at the depth of your heart or at the center of the universe. But the truth is everywhere and is everything. When you realize the absolute truth, you realize everything is the truth. You cannot see that until you realize the Absolute, its reality and its purity. Then you realize there is nothing else. You forget about spiritual experience. You are not spiritual anymore. You become this-worldly instead of otherworldly. You realize that the world is the Absolute. Everything you see is the spirit, the Absolute. There is nothing else. Diamond Heart Book Five, pg. 150

I get this... But, if I am imagining others and the entire universe this seems like a useless arbitrary limitation. I can't reconcile this idea of me imagining a physical reality and other beings simply to ground myself in reality and then being told some of these things. I have to mature and experience more insights as I do the work. The entire thing seems like an ego. I don't necessarily want infinite power. But, I do want to sing to massive crowds and experience the unity of love with others. That just seems to far away. I know my ego is going nuts tonight. Surrender, liberation and selflessness are likely the only reasonable path. That seems true to me. I know this from 5meodmt experience my state right now is based in ego, limitation and falsehood. But, I also must escape wage slavery because that is worse than death. I also don't agree that power= consciousness. Many leaders like trump have lots of relative power, but low awareness. Perhaps my current interpretation of power is very limited and selfish. I theoretically could have finite power but still be in a reality where I am 'Arcadefire'. I guess, it is really up to me to create it. They are limited just like me, but have a different life. But that is wishful thinking and not reality or actual. I have to mature and face the fucking brutal reality that I am here and no one is going to save my sorry ass. God isn't gonna come from the clouds and make everything okay. It's my own interpretations anyway that make reality what it is. I just... I want infinite love and bliss and heaven. I don't want it to stop. I want to shake the world and DO something. But, I am so limited, selfish, biased, scared, short sighted, distractible etc.. How do I reconcile ambition and surrender? How do I reconcile getting old, going bald etc... But, I also sense as I let go of needing to be successful my drive lowers and I relax more. I don't drive and practice as hard... I have much maturing to do. I still think a lot of your teachings are far too conceptual and I need more reference experiences. TLDR: Overall, my current state is one of egoic attachment and immaturity. I know from my 5meodmt experiences what you are saying is true.

Yeah bro, the bliss is the full acceptance of what is. It's the underlying recognition that it's all well. ❤

Schrodinger's Fagg0t. Is that a dick or a dildo in my ass? I won't know untill someone tells me! That's my subjective experience! If I close my eyes, perhaps the shadow of nîgger can disappear and what can arise is the platonic ideal. I might get into journalling again, mostly on paper, just for the sake of reminding myself of tasks. Serious journalling and reflections is better done on paper, for I don't want the slightest degree of social perception and self-consciousness to taint what I write. Avocado, stretch, ACIM, tea, doesn't matter what order. Some sort of work out. I'll maybe do some my physics reading, "I'll punch that cu** Ta{beep} in the face". Woah, take a chill pill, M. Above all else, you can do this. Thy will be done on earth as it is on heaven. Okay. Edit: Honestly, I've had up to here with both myself, my family, and how I handle my family. Thoughts and feelings of vindictiveness, spite and withdrawal arise for me, but I must instead just listen to the signal of rage instead of being consumed by it. Listen to the signals. I dislike this part of me which does not want to forgive or reconcile. But I first must own it. No words no thoughts can save me or offer consolation. I'm pissed off and fed up. Something David Hawkins said. Every moment, one has to make a decisions/intention. You are never not making a decision. My decision to say nothing or do nothing is still an inner decision, compared to saying or doing X thing. _ _ _ __ _ _ Further edit: In the off chance I ever decide to end it all, know this. I didn't give rat's ass about spiritual this or spiritual that, weird belief this or weird belief that. I did it because I was tired, frustrated, and saw no reason to live I'm seriously trying to think, contemplate about this and reason it out, whether I should kill myself, but all I get from Google are helplines and empty platitudes. It doesn't help that I get a 403 error whenever I try to access that website which had people contemplating this topic honestly alongside methods. I don't know a contextualisation which makes any of this okay, no abstraction or myth or narrative could make the meaningless any better. My passions and joys are gone, and I find no ability to express myself. Two years ago, I was this close to ordering that substance. Nitrous something something, I can't remember the name. Why didn't I click order? Would it not have been better for me? At least that way my family would have a more convenient time to process my death. Now is a rather inconvenient time, and it would be a very asshole move. If I ever do go through with this, I have to leave some good notes or words at the very least, with whatever apology. I met a couple of more people in the last two years, and the ripple of my selfishness would unfortunately spread further. I'll do anything to escape this hell, that's the only conviction I can feel right now. Failing and failing, over and over again. I'm not even that energetic in this consideration of suicide inherently, but when I find myself slipping into my haze of sleepiness and dullness right now, I will myself to think and jolt awake. I refuse to just let the clock run out and have the same patterns repeat again and again. _ _ _ _ The people of my religion and others like david r hawkins said that the date of your death is pre-determined; but if I do a suicide attempt, and then if that is successful, I'd have proved them wrong. But if I fail, well then, I can only laugh, and the joke's on my ass. _ _ _ But the question still stands, how am I to reasonably contemplate and consider this decision? Google results of helplines and whatever other generic garbage, that's hardly a dialogue or consideration. I land at this point again and again, "should I kill myself?". I land at the reality and meaningless of my situation again and again. The same problems again and again. What is happiness and how is it formed for people? Loving companions and friends? Maybe a passionate life purpose? Or is it just the correct balance of neurotransmitters for a state of consciousness? Someone could want to drug me up with whatever SSRI'S, but I refuse that track. It solves nothing. You can gas me up with chemicals of bliss and euphoria and I'd still be miserable, for my depression and angst has psychological and spiritual roots. There's no rush, not right now anyway. I can always grab the rope a year later or at the end of this year. I feel better after typing this all out, and I need to give this all more time to swirl around in my consciousness and see what happens. I remember coming across a 22 year old fellow online who told me, that if he hadn't finished university, spent a year in the army and then got a job by the time he was 27, he'd kill himself. He said it so nonchalantly and casually. If he hadn't got his life together by 27 "(job, house, gf)", he'd grab the rope I found that very bizzare and couldn't understand. How could someone conditionally plan for their suicide in the far future?! That's far too abstract. If you're suicidal, you feel the emergency emotion to do it right away don't you?!! But now I understand that man a little more, and I finally understand what he meant. Very funny, and I now feel more connection to that random man then anyone in the world. But that's still too abstract and cerebral to me, for I prefer a blaze of glory and an emotional high before things end. All I'd need to do is play the right musical tracks before my send off.

So I just had a DMT trip where I experienced every human emotion possible. And it was overwhelmingly painful. The Universe raped me. It raped me by screaming to me: LET FULLY GO NOW! LET FULLY GO. And I realized that I had let go of everything -- was letting go of everything, could let go of everything -- except my breath. I answered to the Soul of The Universe: "I'm letting go, look, I'm one with You already, but I'm gonna keep breathing through all this pain" and The Universe replied (all my closest friends and familiy basically smiling and reaching their hands out to grab my soul out of my body (physically die, let go completely) and I answered that "I Love You, but I'm gonna keep breathing now, okay" .. and I kept breathing, and I didn't die. And now I'm here. Shaken as fuck, but with a smile on my face. This is peak "Faith/Meaningfullness" for me, right now, as I'm writing this. Life has infinite meaning. Death has infinite meaning. We will all die, so no rush, but I can say one thing with 100% confidence now: Dead, as in real physical dead, will be the most meaningful experience in your life. Or you could say: Your whole life will be the most meaningful experience you ever had, because you are going to die. Imagine a painted beautiful colourful canvas -- a piece of absolute art -- with foreground and background. It seems like -- to most people -- that LIFE 'is the foreground' and that DEATH 'is the background', but actually it's the other way around: LIFE is the background, DEATH is the foreground. Life IS suffering. Death is Bliss. They imply each other -- arise simultaneously -- THEY ARE ONE. Death = Life Life = Death Contrast you know. Fucking Contrast. God is a work of genius. Contrast. Play. Everything is frequency, Reality a symphony. We are all going to die, though, so no rush. And also, the secret is basically to die metaphysically before you die physically, so you can live the rest of your life fully and whole without doubt, but in faith. Have faith. <3 I am lucky to be born in Denmark, I'm eternally grateful 'my soul' chose to be born here. But even in arguably the best country in the world (from a ego-safety perspective) suffering is still widespread. Life is suffering. Your job doing life is to transcend it.

Plenty of things to do: True Growth You can outgrow your inability to be alone. This means changing yourself so much, that you won't even bother thinking about the whole issue anymore. It means letting go of the self that is attached to having these feelings. That thinks it needs others and that is identified with having this problem. It can also help to release the need for company. That means welcoming the feeling of loneliness and emptiness. And then letting that feeling go as well. You can do the 2 Steps I described in my post here. Aligning yourself with Truth Meditation, psychedelics... there are many ways to increase consciousness. As you ground yourself more and more in Truth you may find out that you were always alone your whole entire life... or that you where never alone, ever! It doesn't really matter. Because as you dive nose deep into consciousness you also dive deep into Love. And feelings of bliss, joy and gratitude will soon be sharing the space with the loneliness you feel right now. Fake Growth Aka the practical stuff. Meeting more people, changing your lifestyle in a way that you will have enough company to feel happy. You are already doing this right now with the martial arts class. I'd suggest activities that are more about getting to know other people, instead of getting to know a sport. For example you could join a community or club that aligns with your interests (personal development, spirituality, yoga, meditation, finances, toastmasters... whatever). Basically a group of people that are open and meet to talk about something. Or they do an acitvity and then later on stay to talk about it. Speaker events often are like this. You sit for a few hours and listen to a talk, then later you can discuss the topic with the group. Meetups or networking events just to name a few more. While Fake Growth is not the best way, it's definitely better than doing nothing. Just fake it 'til you make it

Who wants enlightenment? The mysterious ego. What you truly are -- Soul, God, Pure Eternal Consciousness, Love -- is already Enlightened. Of course. So what is 'spirituality' about? It's about 'unifying' your mind, heart, body with YOU (Ecstasy/Spirit/Soul/Love). Yoga. Self-exploration. Self-discovery. Meditation. Self-contemplation. Getting in touch with Ecstasy through various practices... -- Breathwork, meditation, sex, tantra, love, community, silence aka 'observing being instead of doing', life-purpose, dancing, music, embodiment exercises, drugs, cathartic art, nature, travelling, casting yourself into the unknown, challenging your comfort zones, psychedelics. ?⌛☯️??? There are infinite ways. What works for you? What haven't you tried? What are you afraid of? The unknown. The unknown is a symbol for death. ☠️?️??️?☠️?? The only truth, we humans can all agree on around the entire globe, is that we shall all die. Death. Our physical bodies and accompanying memories (ego) shall die. Sooner or later. The past & the future are composed of 'nows'. Do you realize the implications of this? You are already dead. Don't you see? There is only NOW. Time is an illusion. A social construction at best. Time is the ego's mode of functioning. Only the ego 'regrets & worries'. Only the ego is stuck in melancholic/fearful fantasies about the past/future. Only the ego is 'in a hurry'. It's all thoughts. Where do thoughts appear? Now. Now, now, now, now. Where do thoughts disappear? Now. You are Now. Thoughts appear 'in you'. As long as you are believing you are controlling your thoughts, as long will your thoughts (ego) control you. Only when 'the need-for-control' is fully 'let go of', shall you see that thoughts are insanely mystical and appearing out-of-nowhere IN YOU (= Pure Consciousness) without any of 'your doing'. And only then will you be free: You are NOW directly in touch with Divine Imagination: thinking without thinking, feeling without feeling, acting without acting. By letting go of & completely surrendering '(ego)control', you 'remember'/'get back': *true, divine control*. Liberation. The past is the future. The future is the past. You see how they imply each other? You can't talk about 'the future' without 'the past' to contrast it with. But... You are, in actuality, always *right in the middle* - always *NOW* - and the past only happens/appears-to-you as 'thoughts / stories / interpretations' *NOW*, and the future only happens/appears-to-you as 'worrying / expectations / planning / fantasy / predictions' ... NOW! It is always, always, always ... *now* ... - don't you see ? ? ? And thus you are already both alive AND dead, simultaneously! You just 'are'.... Being'ness. But by inwardly, intuitively knowing that you will eventually die, while outwardly, acting like you are eternal, there is a deep dissonance IN YOU. Disconnection. Disharmony. Suffering. *Ignorance leading to fear of death leading to ignorance leading to fear.* A strong, deeply programmed survival-loop-of-ego. How do you get out of it? By realizing you truly already ARE out of it, and haver never *really* been caught;... only 'in-mind' (imagination). To ever believe that you are caught is exactly that: a belief. Imagination. Stories. The ego LOVES stories, haha. How do you realize you are already God? By letting go of beliefs, by letting go of clinging... to thoughts & old ways of behaving. By being open-minded enough to follow your divine intuition instead of 'always doing what you know & what feels safe'. 'Psyche-delic practices' means 'soul-manifesting practices.' You can do Soul-manifesting practices sober by just having a really deep vulnerable talk with your best friend or a stranger. What works for you? It doesn't 'have' to be psychedelic substances; that's actually only for the really curious or really fucked-up (imaginary) ego-brain-minds ;-). It's about being open-minded, curious & courageous enough to surrender to faith, instead of clinging to old conditioned ways of being. It's about going through 'enough' suffering/devilry/selfishness to understand that you don't want to live in ego (disconnection, ignorance, slave-to-fear) anymore. Enough of all that endless self-inflicted mental pain (=suffering), ignorance (=slumber) and selfishness(=devilry). Enough of that. It's then about being humble, brave & curious enough to take a leap-of-faith and cast yourself head-on into 'the truth/unknown, whatever 'truth' might turn out to be. The truth is death itself. And that is the unknown. You see? ... You don't know what dead is. Zero fucking clue; 'no one' does. Only those "who have already died without physically dying" are, perhaps, lucidly aware of 'what's going on'. They have become 'no one' (once again). See, that's the fucking trick: to die (ego death) before dying, and realize that there is no death. That what 'death' is, is simply equal to what 'the background' is in relation to 'the foreground' in a painting. They imply each other. Arise together codependently, reciprocally, simultaneously, 'go-together' ... just like heads/tails, physical/mental, up/down, selling/buying, bad/good GO-*TOGETHER* !! And be open to the possibility that perhaps life itself is actually 'the background' to a much more blissful larger 'foreground' (death). (Death as in 'letting go' -- not physical death per se) Life IS death. Death IS life. All opposites are seen as UNITY. Oneness. One. You are One. Right in the middle of all imaginary opposites. And here, with Me, right in-the-middle, the golden mean, there is infinite nuances, infinite balance ⚖️ ☯️ ? . Here, the world is too full to talk about, just: silence, feeling, looking, eyes, accepting, forgiving, listening, loving. Here, there is no right or wrong, just being. Here, there is no self, just is'ness. Here, there is no bad or good, just wonder. Here there is no selfishness or selflessness, just Eternal Infinite Unconditional Love ('Neutrality'). No judgments, just openness. Here, everything is nothing, nothing, everything. Here, everything is mystery, incomprehensible for the mind/the thoughts to understand or know or speak about. 'Mind' expresses itself through thoughts. The social conditioned survivalistic ego 'hides in the mind' and controls the thoughts, as long as it is untranscended. In other words: you feel 'caught' in the meaningless chaos of life; like a 'conscious poor-little-me', seemingly 'stuck inside a human brain' on 'probation' in a seemingly: physical, robotic, random, nihilistic, chaotic, outside world. Right? But be happy, cos if you're a good well-behaved conforming rabbit that blindly chases the carrots of life (authority, religion, science, looks, success, career, money, power, sex, alcohol, new iPhones and cars, achievements of all kinds, then, well, then you're supposed to be HAPPY! ? Death is simply liveliness. Destruction, annihilation, letting go of the old, dying ... IS: ... transformation, change, growth, novelty, LIFE. ????? Life (mind, thoughts, fear, ego, physical body, survival, safety, sex; judging, dividing the world into good'n'bad; chasing the next dopamine kick) is not your true self. It's a character (body) and a play (world). Death (letting go of all of the above) is not your true self either! It's a new character, a new play. Novelty! ? Eternity! ⏳ Impermanence! ?️ Infinity! ? ☯️♾️???????⚖️☠️❤️?️? So ... Why did you get disconnected from yourself in the first place? Survival: childhood trauma, of course (which you should work on in some form or the other). We must learn to love ourselves, before we can really love others. We cannot fix anyone -- only ourselves. When we have 'healed ourselves' through our 'inner teacher' (soul, intuition), we can 'help others' with finding their own inner teacher, so they, too, can become 'whole' ... again. .… Actual Enlightenment is basically when you integrate all polar opposites into your soul, cos you 'lucidly see' they are complementary (ONE). Many people seeking enlightenment on this forum are believing that if they became enlightened they could sit in a cave in the Himalayas and meditate for eternity in bliss; like that is the point of enlightenment; like you need to do 5-MeO-DMT 100 times or do 1000x 1 month silence retreats to 'achieve, attain' enlightenment…. BUT. GUYS. Let me be the first to tell you that while psychedelics, silence retreats and meditation/contemplation can be absolutely fantastic for some, if not for many, on the path, it is still just 'external, imaginary solutions' to an 'inner, imaginary problem'. The inner problem is let go of when you see that there (truly) is NO problem (only imagination). When you fully let go and see that death is life, life is death. This can happen during regular life, it can happen in a cave in the mountains, it can happen during meditation, it can happen on DMT, it can happen whenever. You have nothing to say in this matter. It is absolutely mystical and beyond your control, if, and when you awaken during this lifetime. God decides. The Universe decides. Not you, your cute little ego. You are just a small, perhaps big, wave skating on top of a bottomless, infinite, eternal ocean. The ocean is doing you, not the other way around;) If you can let go of identification with being a finite wave, you will start feeling and sensing the magic of the whole ocean more, which is liberation, which is enlightenment, which is awakening. After all, your true nature IS the ocean (Infinity, God, Consciousness, Love, Nothingness, w/e u wanna call that which can't be explained through language… *THIS* !). .… To live 'in the world' (the marketplace), or to live 'outside the world' (the mountains); now, that is the question! The hedonist or the ascetic? What to choose? I will say one should choose to land 'in the middle'. But before one can attain/remember the golden mean, one naturally need to have tried out 'the extremes' first. In the middle is where you simultaneously live life in the world (buy and sell at the market place, participate in society, enjoy the small pleasures) while also being lucid enough to see that it is all 'just': an inexplicable, incomprehensible, mystical, mind-boggling magical, infinite, eternal dance, where the best thing to do is to just 'keep dancing' -- always innovating, developing, transforming the dance, so that it never dies, but stays alive, in motion -- rather than to stop or hesitate and cling to one or two dance steps becoming scared, angry, annoyed or ashamed towards other, new or deceased or silly dance steps. Let the dance happen by itself as it unfolds rather than tripping yourself up all tight, alright? To 'strain, hold on, control' is a 'limiting contraction of Infinity' to ego. To 'relax, let go and let happen' is to become 'whole again with the Universe' - to melt back into the 'Now of Infinity'. Dance. Dance. Dance. Lifedance. Follow the Divine Intuition inside & outside 'your ego'. (It is all inside God's mind, anyway). Your ego is that inside you which is afraid, ashamed, angry, envious, etc. Act despite fear. That is being brave, that is following the intuition. Actually embody the sentence 'follow your intuition' by actually doing the things you are afraid of! Like ACTUALLY *DOING them*, I mean WITH YOUR BODY .. *not in your mind!* . (The classic trap on this forum: Replacing direct experience with concepts, trying to eat the menu, mistaken the finger for the moon, mistaken the map for the terrority, ENOUGH OF THAT! <3 <3) .… “Dance, when you're broken open. Dance, if you've torn the bandage off. Dance in the middle of the fighting. Dance in your blood. Dance when you're perfectly free.” “Dance is the hidden language of the soul”. "And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand, They danced by the light of the moon.” “We should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once.” “Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain.” “And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.” “To be creative means to be in love with life. You can be creative only if you love life enough that you want to enhance its beauty, you want to bring a little more music to it, a little more poetry to it, a little more dance to it.” "You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching, Love like you'll never be hurt, Sing like there's nobody listening, And live like it's heaven on earth.” “Almost nobody dances sober, unless they happen to be insane.” “Live your truth. Express your love. Share your enthusiasm. Take action towards your dreams. Walk your talk. Dance and sing to your music. Embrace your blessings. Make today worth remembering.” "Let us read, and let us dance; these two amusements will never do any harm to the world.” “You’ll learn, as you get older, that rules are made to be broken. Be bold enough to live life on your terms, and never, ever apologize for it. Go against the grain, refuse to conform, take the road less traveled instead of the well-beaten path. Laugh in the face of adversity, and leap before you look. Dance as though EVERYBODY is watching. March to the beat of your own drummer. And stubbornly refuse to fit in.” “Sleep my little baby-oh Sleep until you waken When you wake you'll see the world If I'm not mistaken... Kiss a lover Dance a measure, Find your name And buried treasure... Face your life Its pain, Its pleasure, Leave no path untaken.” "Do a loony-goony dance 'Cross the kitchen floor, Put something silly in the world That ain't been there before.” "Nobody cares if you can't dance well." “The job of feets is walking, but their hobby is dancing.” “Who're you going with, then?" said Ron. "Angelina," said Fred promptly, without a trace of embarrassment. "What?" said Ron, taken aback. "You've already asked her?" "Good point," said Fred. He turned his head and called across the common room, "Oi! Angelina!" Angelina, who had been chatting with Alicia Spinnet near the fire, looked over at him. "What?" She called back. "Want to come to the ball with me?" Angelina gave Fred a sort of appraising look. "All right, then," she said, and she turned back to Alicia and carried on chatting with a bit of a grin on her face. "There you go," said Fred to Harry and Ron, "piece of cake.” ― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

?????? Being asleep is fun but is suffering. Being awake is boring but is bliss. Pick your poison! Maybe you haven't suffered enough;) Maybe the devil wants a last dance with you. What do YOU want?

Yup, as the mystics before me pointed out: "Death is 'a stripping away' of 'all' that is 'not-you'. The secret of life is 'to die before you die' and realize there is no death". I already knew that before my last DMT trip -- and not 'knew' as 'in belief', but as in: I have directly died many times already, i.e. transitioned from 'selfish states of consciousness' to states of 'Eternal Love, Empty Consciousness, God, Infinite Imagination, Absolute Goodness, Pure Being.' There is no death for 'that which you truly are' (God, Consciousness, Love, The Now, Soul, Infinity, Eternity, w/e you wanna call The Self-Less Self), since it is already simultaneously both dead and alive; or even more accurate: it is neither of them, it simple is what is: THIS: *plays a note on the piano*, and we won't give it a name. The thing is, nothing we can say with words about 'Absolute Truth' ... 'is it.' Everytime we say a sentence, we are limiting Infinity to something finite our ego can grasp onto. So even saying 'death is imaginary, you are eternal' is a limitation. Everything is. Yet everything is also IT. 'Death is imaginary' is a fantastic pointer to towards Truth, though. Life is also imaginary. My life as Thomas, your life as Leo, is also imaginary. The essence of 'every experience' is that it is part of the Infinity of Imagination. Absolutely EVERYTHING is imaginary, which means that EVERYTHING is also real. The only 'thing' -- we could say -- that is 'not imaginary' is Infinity (God, Consciousness, Love), but again: all language is limiting. What I'm saying hardly makes any sense to those who have close to no experience with ego-death. To be able to communicate pointers of truth clearly and accurately even to those who are deeply asleep is an art form: a task of immense complexity. The Essence of Reality (Infinity) is so infinitely meaningless, that whatever is then 'imagined' must - per definition - be infinitely meaningful. From the perspective of me as a human being who "needs to": breathe, eat, love, have sex, sleep, pee, shit, drink water, feel that life is meaningful... - death is *not* imaginary. (Absolutely speaking it is, but follow me here, please). I can die any time. I could have stopped breathing during my DMT trip. I can get killed by a car on the road in 30 minutes. I will die. Waveintheocean/Thomas will die eventually. That is as true as Truth can get with words. Leo will die. Not ego-death -- not some kind of 'imaginary' 5-MeO-DMT-trip-ego-death -- but as in real physical death. Yet, what I *really am* can of course not die, cos it wasn't even born to begin with, I am Infinite & Eternal, as you say, sure, I know that, that's not at all what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about real physical death. Just forget all the fancy spiritual talk, I'm talking totally down to earth: I will die. That's as certain as the Sun will rise tomorrow. I will die. You will die. This is simply a fact we can ALL agree on. You can run away from 'yourself/truth/death' all life, but you will still die. Now, what is physical death, then? It's imaginary of course. But my whole life, your whole life, *IS* already *imaginary*... Death isn't different in that way. It's Infinite Imagination. And there is infinite meaning behind your life and behind your eventual physical death. What I got a taste of during my DMT-trip was just what awaited me after my imaginary physical death. It was bliss beyond all human imaginations of what bliss is. I can try to describe it, but words fail. ... Life, as in down to earth life here on Earth, is mystical, enigmatic and ineffable...just like death. But it's also rather obvious that it is filled with so so so much suffering. One thing is the suffering in my own 'egoic limited selfish life' 'as Thomas'... - Hah, that's only one drop in the ocean of the bottomless suffering human beings 'have and are and will' endur-ed/-ing/-e....... Life is painful as fuck. We can transcend our own suffering, and thus help others transcend theirs, yet it's still filled with suffering. You and I, Leo, are lucky, lucky souls who can smoke DMT in their apartment in a relatively safe country like USA/Denmark. But let's look around on the globe shall we: it's beyond belief, it's too much, it's literally painful and mesmerizing simultaneously to see how much suffering the average man & woman endures in their lives on Earth. I went through what felt like every single possible human emotion ever felt on Earth during my DMT-trip, from heavenly highs to contentment to the most terrifying painful lows down in the deepest parts of hell. It was clear to me, that relatively speaking, the sum of all these 'emotions' was (still): pain, suffering. That's just the nature of the human ego/condition: to be in pain, to suffer. And it was just lucidly clear to me that there was a deep, deep meaning & purpose behind all of it. And while you always have an invitation (here on Earth) to wake the fuck up and actually transcend all your own suffering (transcend ego), globally speaking it's just a tiny tiny drop of suffering that's being transcended in a vast ocean of suffering. Life IS suffering. Death IS bliss. Yet I'm not saying you should strive to die, i.e. begin getting suicidal ideations. Suicide is an imaginary external solution to an imaginary inner problem. Suicide literally will just make your soul reincarnate instantly back into Earth one way or the other (it's infinite, remember), because you haven't finished the lesson yet. What is life? It's a long, long, long, thorough lesson in accepting pain, transcending suffering, saying no to ego, saying no to devilry, no to cravings, no to being asleep, and instead: yes to liberation, yes to being awake, yes to selflessness, yes to Love. That's what it is. It's basically about becoming a professional at 'breathing through all the pain of life'. When you have become pro enough, you can consciously die - Mahasamadhi - and join the rest of the pro-breathers in the afterlife. Consciously dying = Afterlife = Bliss Unconsciously dying = reincarnation = still some suffering left to transcend:-).

I am better at not getting lost in the negative, fearful narrative of my mind than I was a few years ago, I now realize I am seperate from my thoughts and the master of my mind. BUT, one particular subject/situation that is current in my experience is very very touchy. Long story very short, abusive ex husband dissapeared for 3 years, came back out of the blue for a custody battle full of lies and everyone is believing him and turning things around on me and the entire thing is insane and infuriating. I can't think about it or deal with it without instant thoughts and feelings of rage, injustice, and fear. I'm desperately trying to soften my thoughts around it, not necessarily to positive thoughts because I'm way too far from there to make that jump. I'm going for neutral thoughts like "Things always work out" and "The worst is never as bad as my thoughts about the worst" but the subject is so charged, its electric. I avoid the subject entirely if I can. My 7 yr old has been with this man for 3 weeks now, after not even knowing who he was and I can't even allow myself to think about my daughter being with my ex abuser or the thoughts and feelings start. I can feel them in my body. Physically. If an email or text or call or court date comes up to deal with it, if someone asks me about it...instantly all the big feelings and negative thoughts flood my mind and body. Sometimes it literally makes me lose my breath. As if someone punched me in my gut. And things unrelated can trigger the crazy thought train to start barreling through my mind. I try to get ahead of it and journal, listing all the negative thoughts, questioning them, reframing them very neutrally... I use EFT/tapping, essential oils, positive affirmations... meditation feels like torture right now with all the racing thoughts. I'm also doing work on releasing anger and EMDR therapy for past trauma. How do I lessen the charge or soften the thoughts and feelings around a subject/situation that feels so scary and isolated? It feels like my voice on the subject doesn't matter and like I'm screaming into a void. I so badly want to see the love in everyone and everything and get to that place of forgiveness(myself and others), peace and bliss but the fear and anger from a lifetime of abuse and uncertainty is creating a fog in my experience where everyone and everything feels evil and scary and against me...at least things dealing with my ex or the legal stuff.

Your 'perception' of the other human along with everything you're experiencing (your direct experience -- perception = your conscious direct experience) is what Consciousness experiences in the Now. The emotions, feelings, sensations & experience you "vicariously' feel while interacting with the other human is Consciousness/God playing that character in the same 'eternal now' as what you call your inner individual experience. We are Here. NowHere. Don't you see? What you intuit/sense their experience is -> is precisely the experience Consciousness is having in the Now along with everything you're experiencing. You're feeling it, don't you? Infinitely close. Absolute. Total. Togetherness. Oneness. Love. One ecstatic playground. One Love. One heart but infinite ? Bliss, oh God ❤

Warning: Complete Transparency! I go deep into detail here! Build up 'J' wanted to come over tonight, again. I had to say 'no'. She slept over last night already. Well... we barely slept, but yeah, she was here. I don't want this to start moving into a weird direction. A relationship - I mean. Am I worrying about nothing? Or is it for a good reason? You be the judge. On the second night she came over a bit later. It was almost 1AM. She worked late and she also promised a coworker to give her a ride home. I open the door for her and give her a hug and a kiss. We head up to my apartment. Again she's rocking a short dress. Looking all hot. We're both feeling good and excited about the date. Already talking about God knows what. The night is on fire. Both figuratively and literally. The passion in the air is undeniable. Summer is here. She already feels a bit more at home. A bit more comfortable and relaxed than last time. She moves around my place more freely. We talk and talk and it seems like we could go on forever. Again I must emphasize how good of a listener I think she is. I really feel heard when I speak. Not necessarily understood all the time, but heard for sure. She's present. Mindful. She's not elsewhere while she's with me. I really appreciate that. It's a breath of fresh air. Climax We skip the massage this time around. I have no idea what movie we started watching. A few minutes in and she's giving me this slow, super-sensual blowjob. She's got some serious skill. Definitely knows what she's doing. Meanwhile; I'm smoking a joint and playing with her gorgeous titties and her cute, little round butt. Need I say more? I felt like a fucking King. For a few moments; I kinda struggled to take in all that epicness. To receive all that goodness. It was so damn good it started being too good. To my fragile little ego - of course. A few more puffs and I lay my head down, melting through the bed and into the deep, endless nothingness. She keeps going and going. I feel like I'm falling forever. Never hitting the ground. It's beyond epic. Pure ecstasy. God knows how long it has been, but I finally open my eyes. She knows I'm back. She stops for a moment and smiles at me. 'Are you enjoying yourself?' - she asks. I smile back at her and put my dick back into her mouth. Sliding it slowly deep into her throat. She's gagging a bit but I keep holding her head down. I was so close to cumming into her throat right there, right then. But I resisted and released her. She liked that a lot. A few tears running down her cute, round cheeks. Her eyes half closed - so seductive. A naughty smile on her face. There was little to no space for a thought to occur in my mind... But I remember this thought crossing my mind at some point; 'Holy shit! I just got my dick sucked so good I reached infinite bliss. Enlightenment!' Haha! It was ridiculously good. One very important thing I did not mention 'till now... is her HAIR. Jesus Christ. It's so damn long and so damn thick. Beautiful, brown curls. All the way down to her butt. Great to play around with. I wanted to eat her out so bad. Her pussy is so lovely. It is the essence of femininity. It's so delicate. So delicious. A true work of art. My tongue works its wonders. I speak quite a few languages. I think it's an advantage. Her head is buried deep in the pillow. Her moaning is turning me on like crazy. It's so raw and unfiltered. So real. So primal. So hot. I slowly slide my finger into her. Her pussy is gripping me tight. Just unbelievable. How can a girl be this damn tight? I am losing my mind over it. It's incredibly hot to me. Soon there was room for another finger. I am digging in all directions. Shifting gears. Exploring her divine temple. Then I lock down on her G spot. 'Come, come' motion. My tongue circling her clit. I can hear her chasing the biggest orgasm of her life. Barely having any room left for breathing. Her body showered with adrenaline. She does not cum. I kinda knew she wouldn't. She was chasing too hard. Instead of letting it come to her. It's exactly the same as with Truth-realization. And it's also a pattern I'm used to seeing in girls. Some girls struggle to cum. At least in the very beginning of hooking up with you. No matter what you do, they're always going to be just an inch away from that mind-blowing orgasm. I also struggle with this, from time to time. While the majority of guys cum too fast... I sometimes take forever to cum. Anyways; despite her not cumming, she definitely enjoyed the fuck out of the ride. I give her a few seconds to catch her breath and then start pushing my dick into that tiny, little hole. We agreed to ditch the condoms. Not gonna lie, that entry hurt a bit. No matter how wet she was and how long I've been fingering her. My dick is just too big to enter her just like that. I definitely cannot just shove myself into her. It's a slow, delicate process. I keep pushing slowly, gripping her body tightly. Breathing into her neck. Pulling her hear. Softly whispering in her ear. She's opening up for me. I can feel her muscles relaxing, giving me space. For every centimeter I go deeper; she goes higher and higher. Her eyes roll back and I finally hit the wall. There is no more deeper than this. A few moments of stillness. Vibration. And the ride begins. We fall into a rhythm. Lock into a steady tempo. Breathing in and out of each-other. The sound of her juicy little pussy taking my fat dick is too damn hot. It's jerking my mind off. ASMR style. I turn her around. Her hair wrapped around my hand and I'm hitting it from behind. There is no way I can do it full force. I'd kill the poor little thing. But goddamnit the girl can take it good. She's a real champ. I pull on her hair harder and now she's up and against my body. I kiss her neck. Both of her titties in my one hand. My other hand playing with her clit. She completely loses it. So much so she starts taking control and pounding back real hard. She turns into a wild animal. Yup, you guessed it. She crossed the line and hurt herself a bit. But she shook it off quickly. Demanding me to fuck her more. I love fucking her in all positions. But there's something special about her riding me. Jesus fucking Christ. Serious cardio workout. I'm lowkey afraid of us getting a heart attack at times lol. It's just otherworldly. She's gripping my body tight with her thighs. Her boobs on my chest. She's moaning directly into my ear. Both of my hands on her gorgeous, round butt cheeks. Better yet; both of her butt cheeks in my hands. It just fits perfectly. I love being in charge in this position. It hits the perfect spot. For both of us. I came like fucking Godzilla. The build up was insane. I pulled out the last split-second and came all over her ass and back. ...And we're both shaking again. Laughing while trying to catch our breath. It was a laughter out of pure happiness. Pure joy. Pure satisfaction. She stays like this on top of me for some time. We kiss and cuddle for a while. And then... I look into her eyes and say: 'We must be careful not to fall in love with each-other...' She knew right away what I meant. I mean... This is waaay more than just some casual, empty, meaningless sex. This is hardcore love-making. It took us both by surprise. We took a shower, I walked her to her car and then went for a short walk. It was then that I decided to start this diary. Final thoughts: Yes. The third time, which was last night, was even better. True story. Spoiler alert: She came all over my face. And all over my dick, too. That's why I needed a break tonight. Funny because not that long ago I was bitching about how I feel like fucking all day, all night. And now I can't do three nights in a row lol. I guess even the good can get too much. Or worse; lose its magic. I don't want that to happen. Then there's also this whole 'falling in love' thingy. Which I'm not entirely sure what to think about. I don't want to panic. And I also don't want to cut this out. It's amazing. It should not be stopped. Just moderated. I sure as hell don't want a relationship. She says she doesn't either, but I'm not so sure about that. I think she's falling hard for me. I don't want to hurt her or break her heart. And I don't want to fall in love with her, either. It could happen so easily, unless I, or, we stop it from happening. I need some time and space now. I don't want to lose control over this situation... I ditched 'V' earlier today. - Another FWB I had from before. It did not make sense to keep her around now that I'm regularly hooking up with 'J'. Besides her, there's still 'K'. We rarely hang out, but whenever we do - it's always awesome. Nowhere near as awesome as it is with 'J', but still pretty damn good. More on all that later.

@kinesin That's interesting. I recognise a lot of what you said. I'm curious, how did you have visions? Did it also come in your sleep? How did it stop? What do you mean with already sensitive? I'm skeptical about other 'things'. From what I understand it's just lower and higher energies. And if you focus on these lower energies you feel fear, anxiety and the sorts, while focussing on higher energies you feel bliss etc. This is a good one. I noticed that I feel resistance of letting the Ra Material go. I think am more attached to this then I realised. Anyways, thanks for all the replys

Ignorance is bliss.