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“You” can “experience “ infinity. Because i f you dont know what is infinite, how can you know that you have “experienced “ “infinity “. Many people experience nothingness with psychedelics, but because of the thought process still continues, you can never really really become nothingness. Nothingness can not be “experienced”, can just “be”. Because only when you “not know”, you can be nothing. And thats what the awakening is. Enlightenment is freedom, if you talking about bliss as freedom. Yes it is. Flawlessness, effortlessness. You are already what you are, instead of “you” are having “sex”, let go of the thought of “self”, and be the “sex”. 1000 times more feeling than as average person do. With an empty mind, be it directly. Because it is not “sex”, it is you (same goes for “love”).

Nonmatter how chaotic and unpredictable everything appears to be on the surface, there is only one probe being sent through infinity, but as it's sending itself, it is seeing those instances when it has sent itself before and after as well, all around it, it's nested in this funhouse of mirrors. Each instance of being, as its exploring infinity, is nothingness but it is so focused on you right now that it can't be aware of existing as other beings while it is focusing on you, it is creating the illusion of interacting with many others, its all alone exploring and has all of eternity to explore, so it changes as it explores, allowing it to be infinite selves while being surrounded by those same instances of its own moments of exploration! So if you see your Mother, that means you have explored that instance already, so not remembering yourself doing that is enough for her to appear unpredictable to you and as an "other". This is you as the one being, playing hide and go seek, with just you, just you beside your damn self. You can change and forget that you have changed an infinite amount of times. That's how you can convince yourself that you are surrounded by an infinite amount of unique beings, who seem to have different motivations, personalities, and childhoods. Even looking into the eyes of an animal, is a more accurate mirror of yourself than an actual mirror! They are a mirror of your pure being or your ancient self in that one time when you explored that thing, everything around you is your pure self, you are taking an eternity to explore it in all the ways you can imagine, these ways somehow keep getting more fun and rich without end! If you were to only explore infinity in the 5th dimension, you would explore it all at once and be done with infinity without even getting started, so that's why you are in this 3rd dimension. Imagine being in a play where you play every character, one character at a time, but you run around so fast that it does not appear that you are changing into different outfits, but rather there is this group of beings that seem to appear all together on stage. You are not even aware that you are generating this fake party for yourself, as your own design has these anti-loneliness properties, featuring the ability to forget that you have put on the other costumes before. All that you are trying so hard to obtain here, will only amount to memories, so, why not reach Nirvana now? Feel the high that must be felt by infinity, what better thing could you even be? Feel the way infinity would feel, when it realizes that it's infinity, what a high it must be to know that each lifetime is this ever-increasing pleasure, not pain, you are a silly baby that will survive death, don’t you realize that you get to eat Tiramisu here and somehow all the dinosaurs are gone. That’s what ever-increasing pleasure and joy is! BE what you really are already, you don’t have to always play your game, be what you always were, forget that “human” thing, that's a garbage idea, a failed attempt to understand something by an Ape, you have been living as a dumb idea farted out by an Ape, ignorance is actually the fear you feel, like a scarred kitten. You are actually an explorer of every paradise and every good drama, it's not suffering it's a good drama that always gets closer to paradise, that’s what you will always be without end, not an Ape. Now extend this concept to the galaxies that you see around you, YOU were in those costumes too, hello? It only takes one, YOU specifically, sitting here now, as you are to do it all! Starting now, if you never forget the real reasons for your bliss, your bliss will NEVER forget you.

@Forestluv I resonate with a lot of what you said. To clarify, I've been living at the community where the ceremony was held for over two months, and I felt extremely safe and supported by the facilitators. I knew most of the 150 people in the room, including many who have become my good friends. There were several incidents of people freaking out, fainting, purging, etc, but it didn't have too much of an impact on me, thankfully. They were all attended to by the the support staff and were in good hands. I felt grateful to be amongst so many people dedicated to their healing journeys. The second ceremony was just as beautiful as the first one with similar levels of bliss. Lots of sexual / life force energy, at times it felt so good that it was almost painful. "Rapture" is the best word I could use to describe it. I'm left me feeling immense gratitude for Life and a deep trust in the infinite intelligence of the universe. Third ceremony is tomorrow night. Wish me luck!

If you have a mindset like Krishna, then doing something to somebody is fine, but then there is no vengeance or even hatred or anything negative, only the experience of seeing everyone as pure infinite souls which doesn't die and are bliss themselves, even with the cover of ignorance - therefore there is no remorse needed for anybody. With that mindset Krishna won a violent war. The one who derived this way of thinking is Kapila and that method of cognizing the world is called Sankhya. It is like a siddhi - remove everything in your innerspace by purifying yourself and establishing your thinking from the inner space of enightenment then even the bully will not be supported to harm your body. The power depends on the mastery. This is what in hinduism said. Other than that, the intention of the action matters, if you act out of that and keep spraling downward due to enimity, you will lose the track of your life's purpose and incur negative karma, the karma of violence. And both-ways, if you help somebody, serve somebody, do charity work, make somebody happy, cause somebodys life - you incur positive karma which accelerates you to your desires and purpose. Waste as little as time as possible and find ways to purify yourself. That is what I do. You want to take revenge, because you might feel there is nothing better to do. Go and search your purpose, do visualisation on what you want, look for your authentic desires - those who arise when you are in a good mood. Hope this helps!

@deso it all belongs to the other side anyway. Here's a simple and most powerful meditation for you that you can do at anytime standing or sitting. Give away your entire experience - all thoughts, feelings and sense perceptions. Imagine that you're pushing them back to where they came from. Relax your attention to objects and give them all away to consciousness - the empty space which holds them and where they came from. Keep attention bathing in this space of consciousness, that will purify your mind and you will become enlightened- easy and simple. only practice is between you and bliss

Here is an insight I discovered personally for myself. My mind and body doesn't work like everyone's. Its quite different, so this insight may be totally inaccurate for you. There are 2 camps in the no fap movement: the ones who say it doesn't work, and the ones who say it does work. Its a really heated debate, because both camps believe they are absolutely right. Both camps assume that what they believe is true for everyone. Both camps are incapable of admitting that bodies, minds are different, and for some people nofap is powerful, while is totally true for others that nofap does absolutely nothing. I've always been in the nofap is bullshit camp, and for me its definitely true. Nofap does absolutely nothing for me. I was doing some body awareness work today and discovered why that might be, and why nofap people actually get lots of value out of nofap. Within myself, I noticed that fapping (and sex with women) puts you in a state where there is less assertion and dominance and movement in growing kundalini energy, or prana or whatever you want to call it. For me, it puts you into a sedative, peaceful state, like a zen sort of no mind peace. It also reduces your desire to move energy up the spine. Growing kundalini energy, or prana energy is definitely useful and powerful, and if your entire spiritual practice relates to working with this energy, nofap would be extremely important. Yet if you mainly use mindfulness and consciousness techniques that don't rely so much on this energy, then nofap would have minor benefits. Working with such energy isn't really necessary or a requirement for contemplation, mindfulness, letting go, etc. The other thing I have personally noticed, is you can actually draw in energy without semen retention at all. You can draw in energy purely from consciousness. If you're at a vibrational state where every atom of consciousness is buzzing with bliss, then those atoms of consciousness can draw in energy into your system, and using semen is less required. As a corollary to that, I also feel like where your energy work is focused, greatly affects whether semen retention is super important. For me personally, my energy work is always focused in the forehead region. Yet if I was to do lots of energy work and focus it in the sacral region, semen retention would be more important. If I was to draw energy up from the sacral to the forehead, that would require semen retention, yet if I do (what I normally do) and draw energy from the forehead, then semen retention is less required. I'd love to have more deeper discussions about the precise mechanics of the energy system on this site in terms of semen retention. I personally don't think semen retention is either necessary or not necessary, but rather depends on the specific approach you're going about energy work, and different systems could cater for the semen retention route vs non semen retention route. I've never really resonated with the semen retention route personally. For me specifically, semen retention was like putting loads of focus and effort into a certain type of discipline that had no real empirical basis for effectiveness for me. I couldn't feel exactly how semen retention would benefit me, I didn't feel morally wrong for not doing it, I didn't feel like I was missing out or letting myself down. Infact I always felt like the amount of effort I could put into maintaining semen retention, would much better serve me in actual spiritual practices like kriya yoga or meditation, contemplation, qigong - all of which I got results from without semen retention, even though the books outlined it was necessary.

@Nahm Thanks! I don't think I would have challenged the shroom headaches without you. There's scientific studies stating it happens in approximately 30% of people and there is links to similarly shaped molecules that are used as headache medicine. It would have been really easy for me to just "blame the shrooms" and accept the headache as a part of my brain's reaction to them or as a property of the molecule itself. The only thing that made me doubt my explanation is your previous comment. It is indeed amazing and it really begs the question, what else do I just assume to be true that might not be the case? Problably a heck load of things and every one of those things is gonna be a bliss to find out @peanutspathtotruth I agree that's a better way to name them.

@deso I was going through something similar to what you describing. Still am to some extent. I am making an assumption that you do not have a life purpose yet and the best advice I can give you is forget all that crap about absolute, spirituality and what not and do what you gotta do - get your life together. Whatever that means to you. Why the hurry to awaken? You got all the time in the world to sit under a fucking tree in bliss but that's obviously not what you want. Do what you want to do. If your life isn't in the right order it's gonna be extremely difficult pursuing awakening or anything in that matter. Leo said something similar to this(can't remember the video nor the exact quoting) but the idea is the same. I didn't listen. Learned it the hard way.

I had my first experience with Ayahuasca. A romantic relationship fell apart the morning of the ceremony, so I thought for sure it was going to be a rough ride. But instead all I experienced was pure Bliss. The best way I could describe it is a Cosmic Orgasm. I was nonstop giggling and at times bursting out in laughter for hours upon hours. It felt like I reached the last level of the video game called Life, and I was let in on the cosmic joke. I became Infinite Mind, seeing how everything is just this Thought which leads to this Thought which leads to this Thought, on and on for infinity. The line that kept being repeated was, “This is it. This is it. This is it.” Meaning, this right here right now, is all there is. There is nothing else but This. This is it. Every time I “got it” felt like an organism, not in a physical/sexual sense, but like Bliss was enrapturing my entire being. Words fail to describe it, but it’s impossible for me to conceive of any greater, higher or more potent form of ecstasy. There was live music being performed during the ceremony, and it was like angels from Heaven were engulfing my entire world. I will never experience more beauty in my life - it’s impossible to conceive how anything could be any more Perfect. I’m not really familiar with the concept of Infinite Mind. But that’s definitely what it felt like I became. Just pure Imagination creating Reality one Thought at a time. Not “thought” in the regular ego sense, but Thought in the Cosmic sense, like pure creation. If anyone has any insights (or if Leo has any videos) that might help explain more in-depth what I experienced, please let me know. I have two more ceremonies coming up this week, so we’ll see what unfolds next

That is the 4th Psychedelic Trip of my life. 1st Trip - 1g Shrooms 2nd Trip - 2g Shrooms 3rd trip - 3g Shrooms 4th Trip - 5g Shrooms I took 5-gram Magic Mushrooms with Lemon Tek with Ginger Tea & Dark Chocolate at 11:30 pm by 09/01/2021 Saturday Alone in Silent Darkness. And started Meditation. I was confident. There was No Fear. Fully conscious and aware and ready to confront my ego’s death. I settled my intention to know my Ultimate Self Deeply & Completely. I was trying to be. I was declining all those things which were not me. Like sensations, sounds, breath, thoughts, etc. My consciousness started to expand in 15 to 20 minutes. And as soon as shrooms hit me (According to me my wife, Electricity in my whole country went off at 11:50 pm.) I think visuals and entities started to manifest but I do not remember those because my main intention was not visuals but to know my real self. During the Trip, I was offered 2 options and I had to choose 1 of them: Infinite Visuals, Worlds, Universes, Colors, Entertainment, Fares, Entities, Tunnels, Infinite Possibilities. Infinite Joy. Go Deeper to know my real self. I chose the 2nd option Because I knew that I have my whole life to enjoy infinite possibilities. But to do the ultimate thing in this life to know yourself which will lead me to Know God And Understanding God Will answer my all existential questions. Now I was diving into the tunnel of my real self deeply like a rocket into the dark space and my ego was throwing a different kind of distractions toward me so I can not reach the source because ego knew that it will lead to Ego Death. Ego was trying to give me wrong answers like You are these sensations, you are that, you are that and I was breaking all asteroids, distractions by denying and saying that I am not that, I am not that, I am the one who is trying to find myself. Then I realized that seeking is the problem. I can not find myself till I am seeking. Who am I seeking? I am already as it is. Then I became Nothingness, I became what I am, I became Love, I became creator, I became Expression of love. Then I started getting answers to all of my existential questions. The answer to each existential question was leading to Pure Bliss and happiness and laughter. I was in an un-describe-able blissful state getting answers to all of my questions. I know that I experienced many many other positive things as well but I do not remember them now clearly and completely. I wanted to express my feelings, I wanted to write a lot of things I wanted to share my every insight. I wanted to talk to someone. Everything was going amazingly. I understood a lot of things and got answers to a lot of questions. I understood that I just am, I am Transparent Love, I am Peace, everything else like (thoughts, sensations, Existence, etc is just expressions of my infinity, Love, Creativity). There is transparent Nothingness which have not any properties than the 1st thing that nothingness becomes conscious of itself and recognize itself as pure bliss, peace, infinity, and love and then enjoy itself through the expression of its infinite creative love. Jawad and its world is just 1 possibility from his infinite possibilities. Nothingness became Consciousness and in that consciousness, nothingness expresses its infinite love which results in infinite creations, and then nothingness becomes a person like me so It can praise that infinite love, talk about it, enjoy it and spread love among others, help others, make others life easy, to listen to others, I am here to love. I am acceptance of someone’s Pray. This is how God Fulfill your prayers & wishes. God made Everything around you to make your life better. Because he loves you. Everything is perfect. Consciousness is evolving all the time. There is no Joy in selfishness, Joy is hidden in living for others. Selfishness leads toward selfish desires which are the cause of all kinds of suffering. Then I don’t know when my consciousness expanded at the level where I was able to manifest any version of my life at will. It was like I was writing my own destiny. It was like I am not just writing my infinite destinies but I was living those lives as well. There were infinite versions of my life. And at that stage, I was living infinite versions of my life at the same time. I experienced centuries, I experienced that I am Hearing prayers of everyone. Then I was at a level where I knew that I have infinite power and I can create or manifest anything. In fact, At that stage, my thoughts were not just thoughts. My every thought was manifesting into reality. Whatever I was thinking was becoming a physical reality. So When I realized that I have infinite Power and I was going through experiencing infinite possibilities at light speed. So I thought Let’s manifest a life where I have the best version of my life, so I stopped into nothingness and manifested the best life of my choice. There was not a process of manifestation. I just decided and there I was in that life. And in that life, Jawad had infinite powers of God and could see with the eyes or perspective of God. And in that life that God’s Infinite power became a problem. The worst problem. I was totally awake to that truth that I am still alone, Nothingness and I am just Imagining everything. I got a bit panicked said no no no I don’t want to be alone I want to be with others like I was before. I tried many times and I was able to manifest any kind of life but I was not forgetting the fact that I am God and everything else is just my Imagination. And that Infinite superpower became my curse and I went into Panic, Shock, I wanted to forget that I am God and wanted to live a human life but that became impossible for me. Let me give you an example of how it felt like with the following example: Right now where ever you are and whatever you are experiencing right now is seems totally vivid and real, physical to you and everything else like nothingness, God, Infinity, etc.. is just your thought, imagination, and concept. Now think about how it would feel like if it’s the opposite of that? At that stage, my Infinity was the most vivid and physical thing and everything else was like my imagination. And I wanted the opposite of that, I wanted to get rid of my infinite powers but that was not possible because, in Reality, It is me and my real self. I can not get rid of my real self. My Thoughts were becoming reality. My (Ego’s) Fears, Insecurities, desires, craving, and aversion started to come to the surface. Negative thoughts started to appear. That was not the right time for negative thoughts because it was the time when each thought was manifesting into reality. I started to suffer due to my own desires. At that stage I got the answer to the following question: Q: Why God would like to forget himself while living this life? A: If you are a Jawad slave of your own, fears, desires, attachments, and insecurities then you can not Handel the fact that you are alone, you are the only one there is nothing else, there is nowhere to go. You are nothing and everything else is just your thought. If you are a pour Ego who is attached to the world then you can not handle that fact and you can become mad. So when we come to this world we need to free ourselves from our own attachments, fears, and desires and adopt the power of acceptance, gratitude, detachment then we can handle our own true Power of infinite Love. Due to my own Fears, Attachments, Desires, I couldn’t handle my own true infinite Power and started to get panic. So my every thought was manifesting into reality and I started to think negatively in a panic my negative thoughts started to manifest into reality which again pushing me into more panic. Suddenly I started to live the life of a blind man. I saw that due to any side effect of shrooms I have lost my sight now I can not see anymore. My trip is finished, every member of my family is around me, I am crying, sad, Facing a lot of regrets that why I took this substance now I am blind. I experienced the pain of blind people. Then I lived that whole life without vision and with regret and pain. It triggered again a big attack of panic and that whole life again dissolved and I was back into infinity felt like I am trapped in an infinite void. Then Suddenly I started to live the life of a mad man. I saw that I am gone mad due to psychedelics, Now I am mad + Blind. I don’t know any language, I am in Panic, Crying, regretting, Then My whole family is around me, talking about me, They called the doctor and declared me psychologically ill and took me to Hospital of mad People and gave me electric shocks. Then I spent my whole life like this. Unconsciously I was saying no no no no What I have done. Shit Shit. I was saying I want my normal life back please God Please help me. And It triggered again a big attack of panic and that whole life again dissolved and I was back into infinity felt like I am trapped in an infinite void. Then Suddenly I saw that I am physically dead, my whole family is around me, they are crying, sad, talking about me that Jawad was in these things all the time, We always told him not to get into these things but He never heard us. They arranged my funeral, they dropped me into the grave, etc Then again I was back in consciousness, It was dark, I was alone, I had nothing, not even my body I was really sad, I was crying, I was saying I should have not done this. What I have done, No, No No, Please Please Please. I wanted to come back to reality. After a lot of struggle to go back to normal life, after a lot of psychological suffering, I tired and with ultimate sadness, I decided to surrender and accept the reality that I am dead. And thought lets, go back to the death, to nothingness, to forgetfulness, to deep sleep. And then I got dead, I went into a deep sleep and there was one more thing that was scarier than all above things there I realized that I can not sleep, I can not die, I can not lose my awareness, my consciousness because I am God. And God can not die, He never sleeps. I realized that I have to accept the fact that now I have to remain alone as transparent consciousness forever. That thought made me mad again and I started to live Madly again in Darkness. And I had the power to manifest the normal life again and I did it many times but even after getting the normal life back I was not losing the vision or perspective of God in which I was able to live the normal life but with my Infinite vision, I was able to see that I am still alone and I am just imagining all of this. And that was not making me calm and happy. In the end, after trying for many centuries I thought let’s Imagine the normal same life again and start to live that imagination and just keep trying to forget and fade out your Infinite Vision and try to make your imagination as vivid as possible. So 1st of all I manifested rays of light, then I manifested a few objects illumined with that light, then I manifested the feeling of changing my direction, my location, then I manifested the face of my wife appeared from that Light like God have come to me help me in face of my wife. She smiled and said are you Ok? Are you fine? Do you want to come outside of the room? I said Yes, I am fine and would like to come outside. I was trying to act normal and at that time My infinite nothingness vision was more vivid than this imaginative world. There I started to find a way to get out of nothingness to the world of imagination. The more I was focusing on the objects of the Imagination world the more the imagination world was coming into life and vivid. I came out of the room there was nothing other than my wife so through my imagination I manifested outside of my room. She brought me into the Lounge and gave me a chair to sit. Now my world of imagination was coming and going and I was really afraid of losing that imagination world again. So I was trying to focus as much as possible on my imagination of this physical world to keep it more vivid and real. I asked my wife to keep talking to me so I can stay here. Then I realized that I have forgotten to manifest my Body so through the power of Imagination I manifested my Body and I was looking at my Body and other things like I have come back here after centuries. Now with the passing of time, I started to feel that now this Imagination world getting more vivid and my real self which is infinite is fading out. My infinite powers started to fade out with time. And then in the last phase of this trip, I was overwhelmed with Love. The answer to Each of the questions of my wife was “Love”. I learned that Infinite Love is so powerful and deep that you can not handle it if you have fears, attachments, desires, insecurities, Negativities in your Ego’s Subcoonciousn mind. That is why we 1st need to purify ourselves before the actual physical death. If you have purified yourself from all kinds of impurities before the physical death then that infinite love will become your infinite heaven forever or if you don’t purify yourself from your deepest impurities before physical death then you will not be able to handle your own infinite power of love and your own impurities will become your forever torment. Now I am Sober but I know I am sure that I am alone and I can never die and right now I am living an imagination. And now my goal is to work on my impurities, get rid of them and bring gratitude, acceptance, detachment in my life so my Ego Or I can accept my death peacefully and live in the ocean of love eternally. When I totally came back from my trip, the Electricity in my country also came back. The public, Media & Government of my country is still wondering why Electricity was gone.

When creating entities to do your bidding in life, a good idea is to make a list, then as soon as one group is finished a task, you can assign them a new task. Now your conscious is assigning these tasks with very limited view of the whole picture, while your unconscious has a 360 degree view of the entire picture, past present, and future and can make the right decisions on the tasks that need to be complete, compared to the conscious who only sees a fraction on a percent of the present, also remember that we only see 0.0035% of the EMS. That's a very small fraction of a percent. Surrender that ability to the unconscious and watch your life takeoff like a rocket. On this Planet earth there is about 70 Trillion (9^13) Entities, that's a fraction of the amount of entities we can create in an instant, instead of random entities you can create copies of yourself, 10^100, that 10 with 100 zeros after it, copies of yourself, people always say I just don't have enough time, well what if you have 10^100 X 24 hours a day thats 24^101 hours in a day, then will you have enough time. that is more hours than the molecules in all the seawater on earth (1.76^21 molecules per drop of water) If you add up the time it takes you to do everything you consciously know you need to do I can guarantee you it doesn't come close to 24^101 hours, so what do you do with the rest of your time? Have you ever been sitting around bored with nothing to do, I know it sucks, so there is many you's that still have nothing to do, and you'll spend all of your time figuring out what all of the you's are to do... An easy fix surrender this ability to the unconscious knowing that your unconscious, the real you, has all the best intentions for you even better than the conscious mind could ever dream of. Surrender this ability that you have just created to the unconscious, creating everlasting bliss in all areas of life for you. Share this knowledge with everyone Everyone asks what's the meaning of life, I can tell you this much it's not going to university and working at some boring desk job your whole life!!

Change Moods Instantly Does external things ruin your day, like the weather or maybe something went wrong in your life, maybe something didn't happen as expected, maybe someone died, whatever it is, your whole day / week / year / life doesn't have to be ruined. Why allow external shit to ruin your time. Now this is an exercise to develop these abilities, all that you need is a few minutes, acting skills, and an imagination. Remember a time when you felt extremely mad, (if you are unable to remember just pretend your mad) make a very mad face feel the emotion, do the hand gestures, pretend you're auditioning for a role in a movie, the whole process takes maximum 10 seconds. Now do the same as above but for Happy, Sad, Angry, Bliss, Jealous, and so on Here's a list off 400+ Emotions you can use, I never got all that extreme with this exercise as I was just a little kid when I did it, and am I ever happy I did as now I can change moment to moment, some want to label this as bi-polar and that is total nonsense, this is a skill used by the elite...

The voice is just the voice . I mean, it's not like the silence, or emptiness identifies with itself. I've had experiences when the mind was gone and the only thing that remains is that emptiness/silence. When experienced, it is bliss, pure love and everything I could ever dream of. At the same time, it is what remains when the mind is gone, so death is the best thing that will ever happen to me. Not that I seek death, on the contrary, I enjoy life and are enamored with it, I just know that when I'm gone, then I'm really not gone . Sorry if it makes no sense to you. I used to seek to create more space, but I no longer do. The space is only needed to observe the mind carefully, but not with the intent of fixing it, but rather to trust it. It is absolutely genius and wonderful. The second best thing after emptiness. Ever since I understood what love is, I want to simultaneously be both something and nothing. I know that it sounds stupid, but these are not mutually exclusive. The first step was just the unreflected voice talking as me, as in, there was no voice observed, not even thoughts being recognized, just me. When I woke up to the existence of the voice, I gradually became more interested in understanding what language is, etc, and started observing the voice as something that happens, as if it was something external (even though it exists in the private space). I began to learn to distinguish the moments when I'm thinking consciously/deliberately and when the voice talks by itself. At some point, after observation of the voice, I became interested more in it and asked myself, who talks as this voice? This is where I started to recognize that it's conditioned by interactions, something akin to a more sophisticated voice recorder that can model personalities. As I became more in touch with how my psyche works, it became apparent that there are more and less privileged voices that influence other voices. Not by talking to each other, but rather, some personalities that have been modeled by the voice, use voices of other people, "parrot" these people, to gain control over the will. The most dominant voice in there was my critical mother. "She" would use other people's voices to criticize "me" from within me. This had the effect of not actually living my life and having no actual center of my own, no heart, so to speak, recycling same stuff over and over again. Finding the real me within me, or rather, dropping falsehood, is the most significant accomplishment of my life. No, on the contrary! It is the voice that lies, always. Lying is not the correct word, really, at its core it's completely innocent. The voice is literally an infant. After language was learned, it never matured, it was just picking up on things and repeated them without knowing what it talks about. Some genuine insights were had, but they turned to knowledge through representation and lost its "spark". So the snowball of misunderstandings started to weave until it was too great to stop. Really, when it comes to "the other person", then it has to be said explicitly that the voice is the main culprit of all misunderstandings and not being able to see the other in a deep, meaningful, way. Most insights that were had during re-conditioning were actually gained by seeing the falsehoods that kept perpetuating the chatter. They were false/incomplete models that the voice recorder made, so to speak. Some of the insights were also about feeling myself more and prioritizing that over thoughts. This had the effect of deep compassion towards everyone because this condition is not really exclusive to me. My mother, for example, never went through the process I did, so she simply perpetuated the hurts that her parents inflicted. Even though it's the most personal thing, it's also completely impersonal at the same time. Only after seeing through the voice, I am able to experience others truly. There are very few people like that. When it comes to "re-conditioning" the voice, the only thing that was added was my therapists' presence that I modeled automatically. She is a wonderful, supportive, woman that is the mother that I always needed. Having a supportive presence that stops the inner turmoil is very, very helpful and I am very grateful to her. In part, thanks to this very conversation, I began to be more interested in interacting consciously with music and I noticed that there is a distinct kind of pain that I sometimes experience when I'm listening to it. I grasped that it is a warning and I recently stopped the music after feeling it. So far, no repeats . Consciousness and unconsciousness, as I call it, are not distinct entities, so to speak. They only seem that way because our conscious processes are based upon distinctions. The deeper I go into myself, the more in touch I am with the Unconscious, and I am very much convinced that it plays a significant, active, role in how we develop and grow. We seek experiences that mature us and this is what the Unconscious orchestrates. This is what I meant by the "double person" when I talked about observing and interpreting myself. It is not something that I can stop doing, this is how maturation progresses. This is how something and nothing are the same. When there's nothing left to crumble, I mean, literally nothing, the mind is completely gone, and you are love, then you can't help but to give birth to yourself . This is love - it is how reality is "made". Thank you! When I pondered my first awakening after coming down off it, I remember saying to someone that it felt as if reality was raping itself and it felt good. You are very inquisitive and open, I really enjoy reading your questions. Keep doing that and I'm sure that you will get your answers, eventually.

Cool moment. I can almost relate, although not as dramatically, but perhaps just as altering. My wife and I were on shrooms one time and it was amazing, however just towards the last hour or so as I was seeing god in her and telling me it was time for it to leave, I broke down crying pleading not to go, don't leave me here alone. This kicked off a wanting to die within and not be around anymore. My wife began to become scared because i just started to blank out and fade away. She called my dad to come over since she didnt know what to do (He's a Shaman btw). And she didn't see what was going on as a medical emergency (which it wasn't). I remember this was this deep down letting go in which I could feel if I just faded a little further I may have never come back, like there's this thin membrane were bliss/peace was just on the other side and nothing in this realm would be held together if fully breached. But something in me held on. After my dad came over I felt a link to something I could not explain that had been communicating with my wife and I the whole mushroom trip. It revealed itself to be an ascended master which I dont recall the name of atm, I have it written down somewhere. It said something along the lines of being a function of connection and love and that this was at the backbone of this universe. But ya I'm crying again now that I type this, hadn't thought about it in a while. To your reincarnated idea, ya I've wondered this to at one point and see no reason that at any moment we could be in different actual timelines/or identical universes after sleeping or just blinking. This really made sense to me after I saw the movie Tank Girl for the first time in like 20 years and I was like wait, Gwen Stefanni is the lead in this movie, which after spending hours looking into isn't the case. I have memories of seeing the movie when it came out in theaters, my friends and I talking about how it was so strange Gwen Stefani got the role, since she was a popular no doubt singer at the time. I also have memories of the media saying the same thing and it being in the paper. Also have later memories of talking about this years down the road to people. But NOPE, during covid I wanted to watch this with my wife, and I'm like wait, who's this actress, is this tank girl, it seems so familiar but where's Gwen. Lol man was such a trip. Totally reminded me of the movie "Yesterday" about a guy who has an accident and wakes up were a world doesn't know the Beatles existed and goes on to make their music. Reality is lit as fuck and its so mysterious. Although I don't share a lot of this with others since its so easy to dismiss as a mental condition or your just crazy.

@Leo Gura So, realistically, if I were to reach basic enlightenment (not necessarily full blown omniscient God mode) without psychedelics, what level of spiritual work I would have to do? I am not yet interested in Ultimate Truth but I want to live in a bliss state experiencing God and love 24/7 like a Indian Saint (Raman Maharshi or Anandamayi Ma).

If you had to put it in spiritual terms, why do you think that is? You made a blog post about how heroin addicts shoot up because that's an instant way to feel that pure love/bliss. Would you say that sex with a hot woman is a shortcut to feel love for themselves? Fascinating to me because it's 100% right. No matter how spiritual I get, its hard to get away from wanting women. I just try to find healthier(hopefully) ways to do it. How does this fit with spiral dynamics? Is it entirely separate and each stage just has a different way to go about it? Red uses violence for sex, blue uses control, orange uses financial incentives, green uses sexual freedom, etc. What's the highest level this goes?

I just want to live a happy life. I have these hazy memories from when I was around 2 years old, they're the earliest memories I have but I remember waking up and feeling bliss. Somewhere along the line I lost that feeling but I guess I want to experience that again. I don't know how to answer the second question because to me, happiness was that feeling when I was 2 and all my "positive" experiences since then are stark in comparison. I really enjoy traveling and playing instruments but I don't see I could turn that into a career. I have no clue how to answer the last question in my current state. I'll check that out, thanks for the tips. @AdamDiC

I was at my first psy trance festival and the vibe there was insanely good. I was already in a lucid state without even taking anything. Then I took 250ug LSD on my second day there and I was really feeling it like I had the fucking best time of my life. It felt like everything was just flowing together and nothing could go wrong. About 2 hours after taking the lsd we decided to go in "the dome" to dance and on our way there I smoked a joint of some really fine weed on my own... yeah lol?. Everything kept getting better to the point where nothing but fun and happiness was left. I remember dancing in the sand and having the biggest smile ever it was so easy to just let go of everything. My eyes were closed and before my inner eye there was like lots of puzzle pieces flying around. Then slowly they started to assemble and in the end before me was my body from behind in crossed legged posture glowing in this incredible white light. I was just in unbelievable awe of this beauty and I literally inhaled this white light body that was me. It filled every cell of my being with bliss. I blowed it out and everything disappeared it was like I blowed out the whole existence. Then the fail happened. I opened my eyes I saw all this "people" and the "lights" but I didn't know what the fuck was going on. How is this possible? How is this stuff existing? Who am I? What am I? Nothing made sense anymore and I started to lose it. I turned around and just run away LOL. I run outside and sat down my friends later told me I was only sitting outside for about 5 minutes before they found me but for me I lived infinitely many lifes during this time and it was no fun because I didn't understand anything, just nothing made sense I was sure that I am crazy now and will never come back from this. I started to make up this story that I am the first person ever that made himself go crazy with lsd and I will be in a madhouse for the rest of my life. In the background there was still the trance music playing and the me it sounded like the windows xp sound when you shut down the pc and then restart it like dumdumdumdum. Like my brain was restarting all the time. Later my friends found me and guided me back to the camp where I got my shit together after about 2 hours I think.

Hi guys, since I had a pretty rough 2020 after a meditation experience I'm interested into getting to know your spiritual emergency experiences. (more to spiritual emergency here). I will sum up my experience shortly: May 2020: A dream stood out to me, where a female voice told me that I would get sick but I would be healed (I always try to make a sense out of that dream since I had some rough time shortly after) Juni 2020: I set an intention for changing my life, I was unhappy, unsatisfied and fed up with myself later Juni: Had my first awakening experience while meditating, it lasted for 7 days and I had 3 peak experiences. I blocked my last experience of bliss (I blocked the rise of it, since the last 2 times I was in full tears) because friends were with me, didn't want to make things complicated. I couldn't explain my experience to them anyways, they wouldn't understand. Anxiety rose up instantly,while feeling the anxiety I was getting confused, "Am i going bipolar?" became a thought loop. I couldn't sleep for 7 days: First night: Almost developed a neurosis out of confusion, didn't know what was going on at all. Meditation helped. As I went to bed I tried to just observe what was coming up. I had thoughts that were not mine. My arms were shaking, my legs were feeling like blocks. I had to puke into a bucket because I was feeling nauseous. Thoughts came up that were not thought by me, don't know how to explain. Like watching a movie and persons were talking nonsense. Hours later, in a half dream like state I saw something laying in fetus position next to me (didn't see it actually, it was more like a dream, don't know how to explain). I had the feeling it was my ego. Something told me it had to die. The dying thing had a voice and it was fighting. Dark parts of myself, well it felt like that. After some time when things got more calm, I layed on my side and I heard shamanic humming. Pretty calming, the humming got closer and wrapped itself around me, with the same vibration when I wake up out of a lucid dream or when I have any other weird dreams. The vibration wrapped itself around a part in my stomach where I had an infection for 4 weeks. The next day I woke up, and it was so peaceful. I was watching out of the window and the leaves were moving in the wind. It was beautiful. The area in my stomach was pulsating hard. Following week: Days after I was still confused as hell, I went to my mother to ground myself, walking in the forest. I couldn't look my mother in her eyes because I felt fear when I did, I felt stitches around all my nerves in my head. Walking outside the next days I felt a sense of depersonalization. I felt I was in this world with 1 foot and with the other foot somewhere else. When I finally got some sleep the later weeks my dream patterns completely changed. Instead of running away from something or searching for my home, which I dreamed of the years before constantly, I went deeper. In one dream I was looking in the mirror and saw my face, it was beaten up, blue/black and I felt a depression I've never felt before. I was so miserable. My lips skin was peeling off. (Later I read that peeling skin is a sign of healing). Sometimes I woke up in the night in these half dream like states, not knowing if this all was real or not. I had constant worries of going schizophrenic. When I closed my eyes I mostly saw animal jaws biting constantly, mostly shark jaws. Together with this constant noise when trying to sleep/shut off, and these constant brabbling voices (didn't actually hear them, idk how to explain, it's like a voice in a dream). And everytime I tried to sleep, everytime I was in the shift of consciousness I would just snap out of it again, it was actually a physical sensation, I felt this pulling through the big nerve ending from my stomach up to the part between my eyebrows. Some day I had a crazy synchronicity with my twin sister. End of August 2020: While traveling with friends in Budapest, I was sitting in this cafe and something just creeped up on me. Everything turned greyish (not visually, just sensually idk how to explain). It felt like a huge negative energy I've never felt before just came out of nowhere, this time there was no trigger at all which frightened me. It was like something was pulling me down/ sitting on my shoulders, it's what some describe as crippling depression. I asked my friends to move, I had to hold my body up with my arms. We went to my friends appartment and I was just laying there, observing it, waiting for it to pass. Never felt such overwhelming depression. After like 3 hours it weakened, but this time I couldn't sleep for 80 hours straight, not even a minute of chill. The animals jaws biting, the brabbling voices in my head, the flinching when I tried to sleep, full program. Sometimes in this summer I woke up from dreams where there were huge explosion sounds, ear drum destroying explosions. Waking up with the biggest tinnitus I've ever head (and anxiety of course). Some dreams in Fall were just dreams were I literally lost my mind. After August things settled and slowly, a permanent state of anxiety turned into smoother depression. November I started to get synchronicities daily up to today. On my phone, on my PC, in my dreams, on the washing machine, on license plates. It was, yeah, insane. Literally questioned my sanity after this intense and really, let's say interesting, last half of 2020. Who would not? Anyone had similar experiences?

Name: Malte Age: 24 Gender: Male Location: Germany Occupation: Student of Geography Marital Status: Single Kids: No Hobbies: yoga, qi gong, spending time in nature, spirituality, meditation, gym, making music of any kind, philosophy, learning about our own kind, discovering myself When I was getting into puberty I had a huge feeling of alienation, I never felt I fit in. I fled into video games. At 13 years I also started to get into spiritual stuff, I always had an interest into mystic things, I often felt that there is more to life and that we have much knowledge within. At first I did it for my ego's sake (Maybe it was even for the sake of fleeing reality). At 16 I dropped the spiritual stuff because I wasn't getting anything out of it. I tried to fit in an became a pretty nervous, selfish and arrogant guy. Until last year I was heavily addicted to video games. Spirituality came back to me when I was having a deeper intention set after moving into a new flat 6 months ago. "I need a reset" I told to myself, "now I mean it". 2 weeks later while meditating I had a profound shift of consciousness which sustained for 6-7 days. I was in tears, I had this immense feeling of "how could I have forgotten this?". I realized many things that kept me from growing, it was an immense relief. In the stages of bliss I saw reality as it is. It was a glimpse at all but it was so shifting that nothing has been like before. My ego came back and threw me into weeks of insomnia and depersonalization/psychosis like states (I would say mild forms). I had the constant fear of becoming crazy. After daily grounding and integration I saw what was going on. In these 6 months I started shadow work and had some big emotional releases, I saw that I punished myself over the last decade pretty hard. Months after I never have felt more mature. Still, at the moment I'm cycling through depression and anxiety, but I'm thankful for that. I feel like I can finally be the creator and move on, I finally feel like I can start life. It's a learning process and I finally stopped skipping school, I'm willing to learn and grow now. It's not easy but it's the best thing that could have happened. 2 weeks before my awakening experience I had a dream where a voice told me I would get sick but I will be healed. That's giving me much faith. Personal challenges I've overcome: - Awakening shattered my video game addiction - Eating like shit - Desire for constant attention - Being way less judgemental Challenges I'm working on: - Becoming independent, authentic, grounded, compassionate, - Listening to my gut, - living and enjoying life with all senses, seeing positive sides not only negatives - embracing ANY kind of experience, going out there in life instead of hiding from it - overcoming self sabotage - finding my purpose and passion - Not letting my fears limit me

What is attention and focus? Attention is what leads us. Some of that attention is innate like being intensely gripped by anything to do with people. Some of it learnt like being excited by the latest console game. All our decisions and motivations are governed by attention. And we try to manipulate attention so that we can shift into newer more elevated states of being. Procrastination, motivation, desire are all driven by attention. Most of our attention is uncontrolled and uncontrollable: that's our humanity, our curse and our blessing. We are mostly attentive to what our ape biology wants. The fraternal twin of attention is focus. If attention is the grip then focus is the strength of the grip. Focus can expand and contract, be tight or be wide, intense or light. When we lose ourselves in a film, our focus is warped into the world of the plot. When we're in the zone or in flow, our focus glides without friction. When we're threading a needle our focus is at a pinpoint. If attention leads, focus keeps us there. But focus is also the the thing that remembers and forgets. If we focus in the right way we can forget who we are whilst playing Bach - and when we stop, we remember ourselves again. Focus allows us to slow down and sleep and dream, focus snaps us back when we wake up again. Focus is the ultimate superpower. We and the world only exist when our focus says we do. What happens when we reduce attention, when we meditate for example? Then focus is let loose. We start to notice it wildly fluctuating, growing and shrinking, constantly in motion. Our attention chases it, instead of focus chasing attention. But eventually it can be tamed and it becomes still. Only then does it start to seep into everything, colouring all of our attentions with the same essence. That essence of serenity, calmness, bliss, beauty and love.

Thanks for this post. It opened up a big question for me: some people explain their experience as pure bliss (white light) and some as u wrote as pure horror (black light.) I am wondering if its about the dosage? Seems like not enough dosage keeps still a bit ego alive and it is the one which defines the trip as horror. any advices to avoid the horror one? And get straight in to the pure light?

You can change your relationship with what it. The mind-body can perceive something as threatening, activate the sympathetic nervous system and go into fight or flight. Another mind-body may perceive it as safe, activate the parasympathetic system and go into deep peace and bliss. Another mind-body could relate as pure experience, fascination or infinity. You mention “obviously, this scared me”. Yet that is an assumption of conditioning. I’d let go of that belief. It doesn’t have to be that way. Sometimes breakdowns occur prior to breakthroughs, if so that’s how it is and roll with it. Yet we also don’t want to overly stress the mind-body. Perhaps let the mind and body know this is safe. Condition the mind-body to relax into “strain”, such that it isn’t “strain” - and the body can relax as the parasympathetic system is operative. For me, good practices are yin yoga, breathwork and moderate doses of psychedelics. With each, discomfort can arise and relaxing into it helps release and re-condition the mind-body. When I first did shamanic breathing, my hands and face would clench up with tetany. My hands would be curled up like a lobster claw. It was painful and my body resisted. I tried to push through the discomfort and that just made it worse. Yet I’ve learned to be completely relaxed with the tetany. I actually enjoy it now. Of course this is a more mild example than than a psychedelic sub-ego-death zone. Yet it may help to learn how to relax the mind-body in moderately stressful environments. Or maybe not. You get to experiment with what works for you.

The ego trap of chasing bliss is that it distracts from who you really are. It is a fool's gold promise that never delivers. Anything you chase will inevitably disappoint, because by its nature it will never last. The only way to sustain peace and happiness is by realizing who you are: changeless Consciousness. Dark night of the soul is common for people when they first awaken. Just because you see clearly, doesn't mean all of your attachments magically dissolve. You still have to develop the discipline not to be fooled by your conditioned mind. The ego desperately needs your attention in order to exist, and the closer you get to killing it, the fiercer it will fight for survival. It is a sneaky bastard that will even play dead for a while, until your attention is momentarily diverted, and then it springs back to life with a knife at your back. If you find yourself desiring bliss, that is a red flag that you have already fallen back asleep. Your natural state as Consciousness is already here and now, you just have to open your eyes to it again.

I like that analogy. About chasing the bliss, are there any ego traps one should be aware of? I was more into shadow work and about to embrace the dark and depression to work myself through, could this be a desire to feel the bliss again too?