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I have created my own little subculture that will deal with the idea of evil and suffering and tie it with Satanism. I will call it Grimreeth. It will deal with the idea of evil and Suffering, sadness and failure/despair. What will it consist of Idea of evil Concept of evil Evil themes Satanist ties Suffering, both personal and general Solution for suffering Embracing and acceptance of suffering Finding stability and motivation through the suffering Death, loss, suicide, evil, sin, trauma, grief, despair, misery Pathos Venting out Daily positivity and recharging Healing. Daily healing Sad poetry and songs and sad art, sad music, any art form with elements of sadness Dark Gothic themes tied to Satanism Ways to tackle evil Ways to cope with evil Ways to cope with suffering Solutions and Approaches to Suffering Finding hope when you are dealing with bad situations Finding peace in the middle of chaos Understanding evil influences Liberating oneself from life and its problems and judgement

Approach to suffering One thing to remember is that you are always a winner, no matter what. Because you are always you. The fact that you endured so much and keep enduring is a testament of your passion and strength. So even if your life was cut short, you are not in vain. You are loved and appreciated whatever way you are Do not be upset that you couldn't get what you wanted. Life is a litany of unfinished businesses. Nothing is truly lost. Don't think that you need to regret something or regret the suffering. Your sufferings are also your medals. Your yearnings are also your medals. Your faith is also a medal. Your soul is a reward in itself. Even if you couldn't create the life you wanted, one thing that the world is powerless in controlling is your soul. Your soul is an infinite space and repository of infinite imagination and creation. Create whatever you want in your soul. It's effect is a permanent imprint. The problem of suicide. I have often wondered if suicide is the ultimate solution for everything. Then I think about God's love I wish religion wasn't so persecuting Religion should be more of a refuge and less of a babble on morality. That's one reason that drew me to Satanism. In Satanism there was a certain kind of freedom that religion didn't allow

It's quite cheap and sustainable financially even without a high paying job to buy or rent a small run down cabin outside a quite rural town, and renovate it a tiny bit so it's not awful. Only head back for basic supplies and groceries every month or so. Grow your own food, fix/build things yourself, use solar and wind for power, well water, etc. It's a good option if you didn't want to work for many years at a time or permanently retire. You'd just have to save enough money or have enough passive income investments to give you a few hundred or about a thousand dollars a month, or just break even depending on your savings. Depending on how stringent you are with your budget you actually don't need THAT much money. You can probably get by on less than $5000-8000 a year. It's very possible to do that you just have to be radical with how many material things you're willing to give up. This is basically the isolated lifestyle you're seeking. You aren't ever going out to buy dinner or pay for concerts and stuff like that. This is what true solitude means. You are sitting around all day meditating, contemplating, doing chores, swimming, hiking etc. Completely free activities. If my relationship ever falls through or if I become extremely unhappy with normal life that's probably what I will do. I don't really care much or feel obligated to participate in this absolutely rotten society, or let alone bothered dealing with other people or family generally really. Most people are so broken and low consciousness anyways that it's exhausting to play into the illusion in the first place. In a way I highly regret getting into this work and learning the things I have learned. To be honest if given the chance I'd be quite tempted to trade my place and be someone else that's completely blind, oblivious, and ego driven. Ignorance is bliss as they say, they aren't lying either. If I got bored enough of that lifestyle and didn't feel enough motivation to go back to normal life I'd very likely commit suicide and leave all my things to my sister.

As a child, I used to dream of leaving this world. My first suicidal ideation was when I was 14. I thought it would be so nice if I walked towards an ocean and disappeared into the waves and nobody would see me and all the pain would be over forever. That was a better way of ending myself But I have come to realize that it's not suicide that I want, but FREEDOM. I wanted freedom from this existence, or in other words I did not want my existence to be this way. I wanted freedom from suffering. I think most people who commit suicide also want the same, freedom from their pain. Suicidal ideation was a huge part of my existence. I sometimes wondered why there were barricades raised on bridges. Why weren't people allowed to jump? It's their life, their will. If they wanted freedom, then why should they be stopped? Ethically and morally, the only person who can have the right to end their life is the person itself. How and why can the world decide if they should live or not. Isn't the right to live the most basic right, then why not the right to die? So if this life is a hell, we are not even allowed to escape it? Why to save a person who doesn't want to be saved? Anyway, this is all an afterthought... I have tried cutting myself several times. All it does is leave scars. I want a rebirth.

I need your help to assemble a list of juicy Stage Purple examples! List of Stage Purple Values: The tribe/clan, community Family & tribal bonds, blood relationships Living together, contribution to the tribe Group activities, group celebration Honor Humility Self-sacrifice Respecting elders, ancestors, customs Taboos and customs Ritual, ceremony Mother nature, harmony Magical powers Spirit realm, spirit deities Mystery Mystical intuition Rites of passage Sacred objects & places Traditional music & dance Myth, sharing stories Retaining ancestral and tribal memory Reciprocity, sharing, cooperativ-interdependence Warding off evil spirits Cursing/hexing one’s enemies Psychic powers Out of body travel Respect of elders for their wisdom & experience Wisdom of the elders Family relics and heirlooms Religious medals, lucky charms Sacred words Stage Purple Examples: Carlos Cataneda’s Don Juan, Amazon tribes, African tribes, Indonesia tribes, Native Americans, Middle East, New Guinea, Bosnia, the Zulu, Bwiti, Hawaiian culture, Indian culture, Arab culture, Japanese Shinto religion, Tibet, rural China, Afghanistan, Aborigines, Maori, Pocahontas, shaman, medicine man, Avatar: Na’vi, Legend of Zelda, Patapon, Turok, Dances With Wolves, The Medicine Man, the noble savage, ancient mythology, voodoo, witchcraft, curses & hexes, animal sacrifice, gift economy, sharing resources, paganism, cannibal tribes, sun worship, animal-human hybrids, animal gods & spirits, ethnic cleansing, the paleolithic, cave paintings, Stone Henge, Ubuntu: I am because we are, suicide bombing, Kamikazi, human sacrifice, eating enemies, chanting & drum music, herbal medicine, Ayurveda, acupuncture, Qi, shrines, totem poles, ayahausca, peyote, saliva, mushrooms, datura, iboga, amanita muscaria, sweat lodges, vision quests, tribal tattoos, the evil eye, magical healers, ancient burial grounds, knocking on wood, lucky rabbit’s foot, black cats, prayer altars, Day of the Dead, Halloween, urban legends, fertility goddesses, astrology, fortune cookies, folk tales, fairy tales, Maneki-neko, graffiti, gypsies, face paint, symbolic costumes, secret handshakes, mating ceremonies, dowries, blood oaths, communal eating, missionaries in tribes, burial rituals, small company work environment, the Sacred Tree of Life, Don Miguel Ruiz: The 4 Agreements, The Alchemist, Teotl

So you're recommending suicide?

Just to let you know beforehand - this post is written by hardcore full-time seeker - 14 hours of consciousness work daily for past 5 years with 150 psychedelic GOD awakenings and Infinite Love awakenings on 5-MeO-DMT and others. I do not expect any advice from you for my situation - because I came to conclusion that no advice of the "internet gurus" has ever worked for me. I wrote this post just so you could show some empathy to people like me - seekers who are STUCK in the middle, in the dead zone - between the Matrix and Liberation. And being stuck in the middle of those two for years/lifetime creates MORE suffering than average human life spent as an average unconscious Joe. My life is actually worse than Leo's life according to his health video in his Insights Blog (https://www.actualized.org/insights/my-health-situation) . I am in pain, experiencing many psychological and physical illnesses since my childhood. Everybody should realize that Life is massive Suffering even after many awakenings. Like many of you, I came into the spirituality because I wanted to ease my suffering AND have less thoughts OR at least stop being identified with them AND be "immune" to pain AND to know my true nature AND to experience experience Unconditional Love in everyday life - not just in psychedelic trips. 5 years of hardcore spirituality later, my suffering has actually increased AND number of thoughts has actually increased AND identification with thoughts is pretty much the same AND my sensitivity to pain has dramatically increased AND I have had only 2 sober spontaneous experiences of Unconditional Love which lasted only 1 minute. After many of my temporary awakenings I came to conclusion that I am the GOD IDIOT, here's why: My life in a nutshell: 0.006 % Gods Divine Love 1 % pleasure from orgasm, eating 99 % suffering in boredom/meaninglessness, suffering from thoughts, personality disorders, anxiety, depression, inner-conflicts, needs, desires, pain, work, insomnia, extreme noise sensitivity etc. I am a God Idiot because after 5 years of full time consciousness work I was not able to cure any of my disorders. I am powerless god. Hopeless God. God is LIMITED idiot because he can't switch off useless "pain signals" in the body. OF COURSE pain signals were useful in caveman days, but nowadays they have outlived their usefulness YET there is NO WAY to turn them off (I am a highly sensitive person - I feel pain 5x stronger than average human) The GOD is RENDERING this creation and that is pretty much the ONLY thing that's doing great! God is UNLIMITED when it comes to rendering stuff. Rendering feelings etc... Rendering this colorful 4D scene. BRAVO! He is doing that perfectly. His mechanism of "no-mechanism" is PERFECT. But the scene is full of suffering. The Mind is actually Alpha version pre-realesed too early and most of human perspectives are in suffering mode thanks to shitloads of inner conflicts created by inner beings/thoughts or "external" stimuli. God is the biggest idiot out there - Since in this day and age more than 98% of human perspectives are led by ego-identity and for most of them THERE IS NO WAY OUT (remember - I have tried to get out for 5 years full-time) There's NO WAY OUT because there are infinite lives... So suicide is not an option - my idiotic creation is made the way that I will be always reborn into suffering again and again. Life IS. And this statement implies suffering in it. NO WAY OUT. Life is and always will be. Whatever IS - is prone to suffer. I am a God idiot - because THERE IS NO "SAFETY VALVE" Impermanence is actually not "SAFETY VALVE", it's not a positive feature like Leo said in impermanence video. Impermanence IS an "error", because God is idiot who wasn't capable of creating creation with 100 percent SOBER divine love without colors, feelings, thoughts and without the need for using psychedelics to remember himself in trip just for few seconds. OF COURSE I used to be a 5-MeO-HERO who experienced Gods Divine Love 150 times on psychedelic only to forget it few minutes later. Why? Because this Creation is created by Me God Idiot, who is NOT IN CONTROL of making use of those divine insights into everyday reality ... Remember there is no control and no one in control. And no one in control of liberating from suffering into "awakened state" !!! It's based on pure luck... It is a lottery. The Grand God Idiot's Lottery! That's why there are actually life-long seekers who seeks liberation from suffering but how many actually get liberated? How many of the seekers get enlightened? 3 percent? So this hell creation is punishment for myself. Why? Just cause! I do not know... God is idiot because there is NO WARRANTY that evolution will make humans more happy. What if people 5000 years ago were a lot more happy than today's industrial society? There is no warranty for better future. YES there are channeled books from higher beings in higher dimensions who say that there is some thing called ascension and in 1000000 years you will ascend higher or whatever, but what if that is just a dogma? You can't be sure of that. I am LIMITED crippled God because I have NO CONTROL over the creation - I can't "dream" stuff or positive emotions into existence and maintain them 24/7 and I am very VERY limited in manipulating reality - maybe even totally powerless - because I have no control over my thoughts, hormones, disorders, life experiences, brain chemicals etc... LoA people are proof of that. Under any LoA video on youtube there are comments like: I can manifest ANYTHING!!! - yeah right, those "omnipotent" fools who say they can manifest anything only to find out they have a tumor year later and die. I have personally known 2 of those people. To intelligent person it's obvious that they can only manifest themselves stuff like cars and money, which is normal part of life and working hard. No need to call that woo-woo Law Of Attraction. All of them say you are God and can manifest anything - so why their life is suffering? Why are they still working at McDonald's? Why they have incurable illnesses? Why those fools don't make themselves live up to 200 years of age full of wealth and health? Or feed all starving children in Africa. Or heal ALL corona patients in one day ... They're a joke. And anyone who believes that "You are Creator of your own reality" is a joke. You have very limited - I would say Zero control over the reality. Just contemplate "What is a decision" and observe your experience carefully. I am a GOD IDIOT because I have Zero control over my thoughts. I have ZERO control of: WHAT my next thought gonna be WHEN my next thought gonna be AND I have ZERO control of decision made based on thought content. I am God idiot because my alpha-version buggy Mind (thoughts) is prone to be stuck in loops of negative thinking FULL OF INTERNAL CONFLICTS between inner archetypes. Not just thought loops. I know people stuck in depressive, anxiety, OCD loops for their whole life. No techniques or medications work for them. I am God idiot who is not in control of his "level of vibration" ... God is idiot because his creation is CHAOS. Chaos implies suffering. Some say that reality is not suffering, but my interpretation of reality creates suffering. Oh man believe me I HAVE TRIED... Full-time... God is limited idiot because any psychedelic or other "peak experience" won't last more than few minutes AND there's a tolerance or harmful addiction or basically "The higher you fly, the harder you fall". In conclusion - Experiences of God's divine love actually made my everyday life more miserable - they showed me something I'm incapable to experience on sober daily basis. My 5-MeO Omnipotence experiences are totally useless AND those experiences gave me a false hopes / false HEALING hopes for my illnesses... Nothing good came out of them... BTW I wanted to teach spirituality... Like Leo, I wanted to wake people up from their illusions... Praising 5-MeO as well. Like Leo I have read almost all spiritual books under the sun. Like Leo - I became "Insight Hunter" ... Only to find out later that insights/peak psychedelic experiences actually made my life worse. Revealing "secrets" of existence is making everyday life "negatively" meaningless. YES - meaninglessness that I experience is not neutral, it's negative. Massive contemplative lifestyle stripped my life of compulsory illusions. Human NEEDS his illusions to live normal life... To be able to relate to other people in the matrix, to be social... To enjoy entertainment in the matrix... You won't be happy watching a movie constantly being reminded it's staged... I realized that stripping illusions off reality is actually fools way to live a life. I, like many, am a depressed spiritual loner full of head knowledge and spiritual ego. That's why most of philosophers were unhappy. And because only 3 % of seekers get liberated - average seeker gets actually stuck "in the middle"... I as a God am incapable of surrendering the ego identity... Believe me, I have tried... Shitloads of times... But of course surrender isn't something you could do willingly. I am still waiting for some paradigm-shattering insight or whatever... Til now no luck... OF COURSE this post is full of limiting beliefs. OF COURSE this could be understood as a victim mentality thinking. But realize - I am doing my best... Full time... Everybody is doing their best. I have tried everything... So please do not spit any pseudo-advises like "practice acceptance" or other BS... Your words have no use in some Gods perspectives like This One that is writing this useless post. You won't help me and you won't cure Leo's thyroid illness. OF COURSE reality is 100% imagination and I have tried to make a massive leap and transform this imagination into positive one by brute-force OR at least manifest "accepted imagination" to see creation as accepted/neutral. Did not work. Many "souls" are in the "massive suffering mode" multiple lives in a row. Just read this book: "Many Lives, Many Masters by Brian L. Weiss" ... It's about a woman who tapped into her past lives and 95 out of 100 her past lives were FULL OF suffering and illnesses... BTW in her past lives she has been a monk in monastery many times. Being monk is useless in therms of "progress" or whatever. So, I hope you finally understand. You can enlighten yourself however you want in this life, in your next life thanks to memory wipe out + upbringing by egoic parents and egoic society you will fall back to illusion again. You will suffer in your next life in spite of your awakenings in this life. I am DELUDED LIMITED CRIPPLED GOD. Totally lost in his creation. NO WAY OUT for 99,999 percent of people including me. Gods creation is Hell Realm - This Colorful Creation is Hell Realm. Thanks for your time. You will experience my life someday. Don't worry "internet gurus" :-D tl;dr: Have compassion for suffering of others. And just 2 more quotes for you:

We're all a multiplicity of many different "I"'s. Many people explain this away as moods. It's easy to frame it like that. Although it's not a flattering thing to be labeled moody, it's usually even worse to be labeled as being fractured into multiple personalities. Officially known as schizophrenia But we're all technically schizophrenic. Some more than others. In my early twenties at a time when I was in the midst of a severe depression and just barely able to function socially, I struck up a conversation with a new neighbor. They lived about a mile away. This was at a local a sports event and the first time in months I had got out of my parents basement and had gone anywhere. Trying to make conversation, I told him how beautiful it was in his neck of the woods and that a few years before as a young teenager, I had trapped some beautiful grey fox not far from his house. The way he reacted you would have thought I had just stuck him with a hot iron. He was practically foaming at the mouth threatening me that if I ever got one of his dogs in my traps,,,, blah,,, blah blah. I didn't even trap anymore. Him being a psychologiist and his wife, a veterinarian. They were kind of a hot shit ' power couple' in some people's eyes. I was completely stunned. Here was a licensed psychologist getting all reactive and just acting bat shit crazy. The world just didn't make any sense. I thought everyone in that field would be like the laid back psychiatrist Sydney that showed up occasionally on episodes of MASH. I don't know why it bothered me that bad but it really did. I'll admit to being rather 'thin skinned' all my life but in the midst of this anxiety/ depression I was in, I just felt devastated. I know it sounds silly but my mental condition was a good deal more than just shaky. I had often considered suicide just from the shame alone that plagued me. Looking back now I can see I was completely beat down and and continually scolded by my own super ego because at the time, I felt like a complete failure and a real embarrassment to my parents. Plagued continually day and night by guilt. Slowly, I managed to start working some. A gradual momentum developed. Driven a good deal in just trying to prove to my folks that that I had some worth. That, in itself though is an unhealthy way to go about life. In most all of the vertical scales of human emotion I've seen -shame - is always right near the bottom along with apathy and forms of depression with anger always being a step above. Whether it's Dianetics, David Hawkins or others I've encountered, anger will always be a step above shame, guilt, and apathy. it's one reason I use over-the-top language whenever I encourage others to defy the inner critic that is the voice of the ego . Until Superego is dealt with in a solid way, disfunction and depression will rule the day. Somehow screaming commands at a large glass ashtray in that Scientology Course I mentioned I believe was related somehow to work on Superego.. So anyone who is continually depressed and plagued by feelings of guilt and shame, tell your Superego to go take a ???FLYING FUCK IN A ROLLING DONUT!!!?? and don't stop until you feel that red energy rise up in yourself or better yet, you end up having a good laugh,,, Busting a lot of glass bottles I feel is great therapy also.

Yea it's a huge problem. The women used to be forced to marry only for survival. Or as a holy grail. Men mostly had a choice in the women they wanted to marry but women generally didn't have a choice in deciding the groom. They had to marry the man who picked them. Most families would tell the girl that it's in her best interests to marry the man who has approached or be single for the rest of her life. Girls were usually coaxed and India has a strong history of evil against women. Too many social evils committed against women. But the generational curse is breaking. Women are moving towards empowerment which is real feminism. They don't want to be stuck in abusive marriages. They are making their own money and living their own life. This is one of the reasons why I didn't want to be a mother in my life and why I promised myself that I will never marry into an Indian family. Because then the cycle continues. I wanted to break that cycle. My dad was kinda ugly, he was a good guy but he didn't look attractive, he was attracted to my mom and she was very beautiful in her younger years and my dad approached her family for marriage and she wasn't willing to marry him. Yet her family forced her and gave her the option to either marry my dad or be single or suicide. My mother tried to attempt suicide and she was saved. But she wasn't given an option to get a job because nobody would help her get an education or any other assistance. She wanted to go to college and complete her education but her family didn't allow her and she reluctantly agreed to marry my dad. Also my mom was attracted to another man who was quite handsome and charming. But her family never allowed that guy to make any approaches. Her brother's wives were jealous that she would get a good groom so they hastily arranged her marriage to my father.. In India a girl child is considered a burden in the family.. The boy child is considered a prince or treasure. So if a boy is born, the whole family rejoices and if a girl is born, some fathers will mourn the birth of a daughter. So the solution to this problem in their minds was to marry the daughter to some man and get rid of this burden. She would be mistreated by the husband and the husband's family and this was her life, living like a burden on society. There was an inherent misogyny in Indian society, an inherent hate towards women. Even the Hindu scriptures demonized women and looked at women as the source of all evil. Probably that's where the misogyny comes from. The situation was so bad that my mom used to tell me that in an average Indian family, the boy would be fed milk but not the girl, she would be fed very little and the entire focus of the family would be on the son and not the daughter. The son would get all the love and attention from parents. The situation was so severe for so many decades that there was female infanticide, basically killing the girl child when she was born or aborting a female foetus once the gender of the foetus was detected as female. It was so bad that the Indian government had to step in and stop the gender identification of foetuses. This is where the generational trauma for women comes from. Then there was a problem of dowry. If a woman wanted to get married to feel less of a burden on her family, her family had to pay dowry to the husband in the marriage, before the wedding is fixed. Or sometimes after. The dowry was an insane amount of money the family had to pay. Sometimes the groom would demand a house or a car or very huge amount of cash as a dowry gift. Or else he would threaten to divorce their daughter. And a divorced woman would be considered like a curse or a taboo in our society, like she would need to hide herself and live in misery and anonymously. Then the husband would harass his wife and tell her to ask for more dowry from her parents. Girls were poorly educated and there was no concept as "women working" back in the 80s. So her only survival was her husband. She also had to live with the husband's family even if she didn't wish to live with them, and she was supposed to serve the husband, and his family and she was considered a good wife if she was a perfect slave to everyone. So you will see in old Indian movies, the woman is shown as touching the husband's feet and calling him a God and massaging the feet of her father in law and serving everyone and eating last. Her life was all about serving everyone's needs in the husband's family but her own. There was nothing like her dreams, her career, her life, she was just a possession of the husband. The dowry system was so bad that many women in the 70s, 80s and the 90s were literally set ablaze and burned alive by the families of the groom. This was done In order to let the guy remarry the woman of his choice in an effort to collect more dowry. My mom kept the old newspapers safe from the 90s decade and I used to read when I grew up and they will filled with news stories of horrible atrocities against wives /daughter in laws in the name of dowry. There was an ancient practice in India called Satee. Which meant that if a woman lost her husband to death, then during the funeral she had to jump into the funeral pyre of her husband and get herself killed as a sacrifice or tribute to her husband. She was then considered a good wife. This evil practice was then eradicated by the British. Indian men had the general belief that a woman should be a virgin or he will refuse to marry her or have a relationship with her. It was considered that a woman who was not a virgin was not pure and that she should be rejected. Even this day a lot of Indian men will directly ask the girl "are you a virgin?", but it doesn't matter if the guy is a virgin or not. If a woman became a widow in our culture, then she was never allowed to remarry. These days they do, but it's rare. Back in those days, like 60 years ago, if a woman was a widow, then she was forced to shave her head and wear white clothes so that she wouldn't attract any man My mom lost her husband(my dad) when I was very young and she never remarried. If she ever wore makeup, people used to snare at her. She wouldn't get invited to parties. So you can see how Indian women suffered generational trauma under an evil patriarchal system where marriage was her saving grace from death or suicide but marriage was also her misery pit. Today, the situation is kinda better, not that much because we haven't completely yanked the patriarchy out. The government made laws against dowry and female infanticide and all other evil practices against women. But this does not mean that they don't happen. In some places they still do, and dowry still gets exchanged undercover. Indian women are deeply ingrained by their parents and general Indian culture that their survival is impossible without a man or husband. They are not taught freedom. They are taught their destiny is in the hands of a man. Compared to women, men have it much better here, they are given a lot of freedom and privilege. They are treated like kings in the family as well as society. But today the women in my country want to change this mentality. I don't want to marry an Indian man for survival. I am educated and I can survive on my own. So the women are fighting hard against patriarchal beliefs and rules and traditions. We are getting there, not just yet. Hinduism as a religion has all the good principles but the "treatment of women" part of Hinduism is deeply marinated in misogyny. All the female goddess stuff is bullshit. The goddesses only exist in the temple, in reality no woman is treated like a goddess. And don't let an indian man fool you by making you believe that Indian women have it good if a woman became a prime minister in the country in the old decades. First of all, the only woman who became a prime minister and on top of that, she was assassinated. It's like saying racism stopped in America because Obama became president. Such things are a ploy to distract from real evil. All in all, women in my country had to suffer a lot of evil and I feel bad for the women before me, especially my mom because she had to live her whole life with a man she didn't love, with a man she didn't wish to marry, he was a good husband, but she didn't want him, so it was a source of tremendous frustration for her and she never wanted the same fate for me so she raised me to choose the man I want to, she never forced me to marry or be with someone that I didn't want to be with. It's sad that women had to suffer so much in my country and yet get so much hate. India definitely has the blood of many innocent women on its hands. If you really want to witness what misogyny looks like in a real form, come to India..

I won't do it, i know myself. You were right when you said in 4 years nothing will change. I live in my comfort zone, and growth occurs outside the comfort zone. I'm like pavlolv's dog with learned helplessness, my parents treat me like i'm 5 years old and even though i'm miserable it's safe and comfortable so i accept it. I can see how this is going to play out, i'm going to spend years doing therapy, rasa, meds, psychs etc. I already made an appointment for 4 days a week psychoanalysis, but none of this stuff is going to make me change because it's comfortable. I'm going to go round and round for years trying to fix my mind, while staying attached at the hip to my mom and dad. I think i'm better than that. And right now i don't have to because my home is always open and free, i'm not going to take a mcdonalds job while living at home with this comfort it won't happen. I know i'm not, but i honestly think i'm better and special and somehow this will work out for me. It's delusional thinking, it's the thinking of a spoiled child who's had everything handed to him, so happiness and fulfillment will be handed to me as well. I don't think i can or will face them. I have no idea how to survive, if you left me alone in the world I believe i'd fail and die or get raped or something. I have 0 resourcefulness, confidence, ingenuity, problem solving etc? I'm pretty much useless outside of academic knowledge. I'm weak. There's physical requirements necessary to enter, and i'd fail them. Mentally i'm weak with exercise. People go through it when they're like 12 years old. My mind is so up and down. One minute i'm thinking i'm going to end up killing myself, then feeling better and thinking this stuff will work out for me. Look at how many of comments are the same thing over and over. I prefer the comfortable misery over whatever else is out there. I'm a complete child who's stuck in his head, i just stay in my tight bubble each and every day. It's not going to change while i'm here man, i'm way more likely to just commit suicide then get out of the house and survive alone, i'm fucked.

This is an NDE on the NDERF website Stephen T NDE Home Classification NDE 1308 Stephen T NDE 3359 Experience Description 1. Surfing incident 2. Caught in a trough under water in huge surf. 3. Panic knowing I am going to drown. 4. Realized I had to give up, could not hold breath any longer. 5. Sudden calmness and resignation; loss track of body. 6. Clear and graphic life review as if certain events were cataloged. 7. Visualized a large green blue circle with a feeling of depth but did not look like tunnel. 8. Suddenly found myself in a large hall with a stone bath being washed by humanoid aliens; very peaceful (this was certainly a subjective illusion). 9. Sudden transformation into a realm of timeless Absolute Beauty, Absolute Love and Absolute Infinity. The radiance was literally unbearable. 10. Absolute forgiveness, non-judgment, non-duality, timeless, no blame or retribution, no sin karma and no reincarnation. No God as there was no subject or object of attention I AM That. 11. Beyond science, religion, spirituality, new age phantasmagoria. This is the most real insight of my whole life and clearly remains with me after thirty years. In my hippy years experimented with drugs e.g. acid however nothing, but nothing, compares with this insight. Also came across a similar state during meditation. Somewhere in this process, I became conscious of the fact that I must return to the world and play out my allotted role. This really pissed me off. As I crawled up the beach, I really didn't want to be here and in many ways have just been waiting for this lot to finish. 12. Theoretical implications: a) Absolute Infinity is a fact; George Cantors set theory provides sound theoretical evidence of the mathematical context of infinity. (We do not create infinity it is literally thrust upon us and is therefore absolutely necessary.) Hugh Everett's many worlds interpretation of particle wave duality; Max Tegmark's theoretical application to infinite universes. See also John Barrow 'Pi in the Sky' and Rudy Rucker's 'Infinity and Mind'. Evolution is asymmetrical, that is the billion to one symmetry violation at the origins (matter/antimatter) of the universe supervenes through complexification and self-organization onto Darwinian selection as a bias for pleasure over pain. Evolution is not value neutral. Given infinite universes non-denumerable infinity tells us that every moment must exist infinitely for all possible sum over histories (Richard Feynman) for all possible universes. (Will be pushing for space here.) Given infinite universes and infinite sentient civilizations infinite civilizations will survive for vast time scales eventually resolving into Absolute Infinity and Absolute Love. This state of beingness is a permanent aspect of every part of existence. Science has become shackled to skepticism and the narrow constraints of a very primitive epoch in the scheme of biological and silicon based evolution. Ray Kurweil demonstrates the capacity of potentiation in his demonstration of cosmological, computational and exponential technological growth. We will eventually drop the distinction between artificial and carbon based intelligence for new cohesive constructs far beyond our current capacity to visualize. As cells in our bodies are not conscious of our bodies, our self-conscious minds are not cognizant of the Absolute because we are bound by cognitive duality. Consciousness is dualistic and narrative based whereas awareness is timeless and immediate. Yet for anything to exist, whether subjective or objective, they must inevitably be absolute necessary aspects of a perfect existence. One also has to take into account the profound paradox of time (quantum block time) relativistic twin paradox, matter antimatter time vector reversal etc. we really don't know much. The axis of existence proceeds from the Pervasive Ground (unified field) through Manifest Material Reality and onto Infinite Potentiality. Existence is an Infinite Web of context and though the local universe has some 10 to the 26 bits of information they overlap and furthermore are connected non-locally. Existence is not constructed of finite locatable things it is a nonlinear process of textural flow and integration. Lot more I could add however gives the gist of what I am on about. Hid in a corner all these years however when saw this site decided to have a stab at explaining my NDE. I have written extensively but not published. Who, after all is interested in radical and revisionary ideas. After all they forced Thomas Kuhn into a corner. Our current epoch is incommensurable with a civilization two hundred two thousand, two million or a billion years older. Plenty more where this came from. It's time to wake up and go beyond the magic and mythology of religion and the primitive egocentrism of science. Background Information: Gender: Male Date NDE Occurred: 1967 NDE Elements: At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes Accident On a surfing trip - near drowning Life threatening event, but not clinical death Nearly drowned. Coughing and spluttering I somehow managed to get to shore and crawl out of the water having given up all hope as I was clearly convinced that I was drowning. I truly thought I was a finished. How do you consider the content of your experience? Wonderful Did you feel separated from your body? Yes I lost awareness of my body How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal As above. At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? When I literally died to my old self and was wrapped in Absolute Love and Absolute Forgiveness. I do not look through my eyes anymore what sees is beyond my poor confused self-conscious mind. The looking through is not mine it is boundless non-dual timeless and perfect. See ya later God. Were your thoughts speeded up? Incredibly fast Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning Timeless. It was shock to emerge from immediate awareness to consciousness. I most certainly did not die and here of course lie the rub. However it is relatively easy to demonstrate that every moment always exists for all probable and possible moments infinitely therefore whatever is flowing through this lot is not the surface structure we identify with. Kant phenomena, noumenon or more to the point Nagajuna's such-ness, nothingness and non-duality. Were your senses more vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. Though there were intense and awe inspiring feelings something much deeper was operating and has remained to this day. No person can have ownership and no religion lay claim to Absolute Love. The body just didn't warrant attention. Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. It was not like hearing but somehow directly intuiting without the necessity for language. The narrative comes afterwards and by heavens one must be absolutely vigilant not to pollute the direct experience. Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? Yes, and the facts have been checked out Did you pass into or through a tunnel? Uncertain Saw a blue green circle but did not pass through a tunnel. Did you see any beings in your experience? I actually saw them Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? Yes In the early stages I was bathed by some aliens beings. However, when I had the insight into Absolute Love everything with shape and form disappeared and had absolutely no relevance. The experience included: Void The experience included: Light Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin Did you see an unearthly light? Yes Everything was light however it was not white, yellow, or black, it was pure radiance and for a timeless moment I was that radiance. Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm It is strange to look back and realize that the effects of the event continue to change my life and conception of existence on regular basis. When I write a book or article and finish it it is as if, even with all the research, I actually did nothing. It has taken to the middle years of my life to fully integrate the intellectual and experiential in a rigorous manner. Something unspoken operates beyond the self-conscious mind. Sounds whaky I know but I gotta another set of eyes. This is where the old narrative goes bottom up. Working in welfare sort of reflects a doing because it has to be done. Choiceless Freedom. so many damn dimensions and textures its downright spooky. The experience included: Strong emotional tone What emotions did you feel during the experience? Love, Love, Love, Love, Love, Joy, Joy, Joy, Joy, Bliss, Bliss, Bliss, Bliss. Absolute Forgiveness, total equity and complete union. Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness Did you have a feeling of joy? incredible joy Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world The experience included: Special Knowledge Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about the universe The experience included: Life review Did scenes from your past come back to you? My past flashed before me, out of my control I don't think I learned anything from the experience what did happen was that I realized what I was doing, and still am doing nothing, even though I have to continue on with the trials and tribulations of life like everyone else. Absolute Love takes no prisoners you either imbibe non-judgment, and absolute forgiveness with a still mind or carry on with the useless narrative of self-justification. It is not to be learned it is to be lived. Did scenes from the future come to you? Scenes from the world's future All events exist right here and now (quantum mechanics and time) however insight steps into the timeless occasion of immediate perfection while witnessing the temporal flow of relative material reality. One could not remain in awareness because self was, and is still, irrevocably tied to material reality. To a non-dualist there is no spirit or soul because insight is subject less, objectless beginning-less and endless. At death my relative absence will be my absolute presence Nisargadatta Maharaj. Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will God, Spiritual and Religion: What was your religion prior to your experience? Liberal none Have your religious practices changed since your experience? No Religion just does not cut the mustard. Absolute Love can have no relationship with evil, devil, hell, purgatory, sin, karma, retribution, or any type of judgment blame and retribution. When they drop their absurd beliefs and magical mythical ranting then their ideologies will become redundant. By this stage, religions will be left with a whole lot of empty book covers. Absolute Love cannot be possessed or turned to any religious or political purpose. Either we love or we don't love easy peasy. Then we can party and just learn to love and care for each other on a truly equitable basis. What is your religion now? Liberal none Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? No Religion just does not cut the mustard. Absolute Love can have no relationship with evil, devil, hell, purgatory, sin, karma, retribution, or any type of judgment blame and retribution. When they drop their absurd beliefs and magical mythical ranting then their ideologies will become redundant. By this stage, religions will be left with a whole lot of empty book covers. Absolute Love cannot be possessed or turned to any religious or political purpose. Either we love or we don't love easy peasy. Then we can party and just learn to love and care for each other on a truly equitable basis. The experience included: Presence of unearthly beings Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin Did you see deceased or religious spirits? I actually saw them Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion: During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Yes In fact this is the real bummer. When one steps outside of religion and yet admires science but sees beyond its limitations one's circle of friends becomes decidedly small. Universities philosophy and psychology departments are definitely not welcoming. Non-dual insight becomes a socially isolating. Recently tied to converse with atheists. Boy what a bunch of fundamentalists they have turned out to be. If you blow your own bags you are arrogant and misinformed if you shut up you're an introvert. Judgment, judgment everywhere judgment. Something is certainly doing I do not know what. Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes After such a profound insight one wants to be a do-gooder and save the world however reality soon kicks in. It took a certain amount of time to realize that it is how I act in the world and what I do that assists in making the world a better place not how I attempt to change others based upon some conceptual prejudice. Reality certainly is not fair so we just have to learn to live with it and let evolution take its requisite path. After the NDE: Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes I have spent my life working as a counselor and program manager. Studied many religious, philosophical and science based thinkers. Only two areas come to mind. The non-dualist Advaita Vedantist teacher Nisragdatta Maharaj (who rejected all religious dogma) and the approach taken by Alan Watts in his book 'The Way of Zen'. I completely reject hell, purgatory, sin, evil, damnation, judgment, blame, retribution, karma and reincarnation. Essentially the dualistic contradictory notion of God is to be voided. Absolute Infinity and Absolute Love are completely non-dual and non-judgmental. There was also a Polish Jew on a television program about NDE's who experienced Absolute Love unreservedly forgiving Nazi perpetrators. I just cried at the recognition of this wonderful man who intuited Absolute Love. I have also written extensively on Insight and Infinity however have not bothered to publish. Paradoxically, one soon learns that dogma free Absolute Forgiveness and Absolute Love either scares the hell out of many dogma bound individuals or becomes victim to scientific skepticism, scientific determinism and logical empiricism. So one soon learns to keep one's mouth shut. In my work as a counselor, I regularly use my understanding when I feel it is appropriate to assist in relieving a client's sense of hopelessness and despair. A substantial number of my clients either consider suicide or have made various attempts. We desperately need a contemporary meta-theory that is neither beholding to religion or science however it must fit within the purview of current scientific understanding. I am yet to find a satisfactory outlet for these ideas. Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? No My ability to network ideas seemed to take off. Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? Nothing in my life has had the significance of the NDE and some meditation experiences that happened later. No doubt, no fear of death and a total comprehension of non-judgment. No one creates their realities life is conditioned by hereditary and socialized contingencies and if you are born in the first world then your lottery tickets certainly came up. The relative world demands a certain amount of legal accountability and responsibility and we need suitable constraints. However, the deep ocean of the Absolute is absolutely forgiving and absolutely non-judgmental. Remove judgment and reduce inner turmoil resulting in peace and equanimity. Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes Be very, very careful the world is full of skeptics. Luckily my partner also had a NDE and out of the body experience so we at least have each other. Very useful when dealing with those clients who feel hopelessness and despair. I have worked with youth, drug addicts, families, mental health clients, domestic violence victims, service veterans and have found a deep need for a revisionary understanding of our place in existence beyond the magical and mythological assertions of religions and the self-imposed nihilism of scientific empiricism. Though I have not published this is the area I would most certainly like to move into. Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? Uncertain I was a pretty spacey kid living in a fantasy world and always intuited the vastness of things. So I was very curious from an early age. Had some vague knowledge of NDE but nothing concrete. What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real There are no illusions or delusion in reality for if there were contingent things then they could not necessarily occur. Nothing has changed. We continually confuse description with explanation however as Kurt Godel and recently Gregory Chaitin have demonstrated incompleteness is implicit within reality. We require an infinite hierarchy of descriptive and explanatory belts to explain reality and this is impossible. Insight looks back and witnesses without the duality of mental narrative. All things are accessible but not through language or symbolic representation. As there is only the emptiness and fullness of the Absolute we are all of Absolute Infinity and Absolute Love. In insight there are no degrees of separation and therefore no soul no spirit, no God, no heaven, no Hell for we are all THAT. What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real It makes me laugh that people have the gall to label events objectively real or subjectively illusory when to happen they must be real within their own context. It is not the veracity of the occurrence rather it is how that event is interpreted. If there is an infinite network of interpretations then, just maybe, watching and witnessing will generate a non-verbal understanding of our place in existence free from the labels real or illusory. Don't tell me the Absolute is not real because nothing can exist if it is not Absolutely Necessary. Everything subjective and objective is therefore necessary and given vast time scales and potentialities the texture of the web of context is indeed infinite thus we have Absolute Infinity. A word of caution. The classical argument against infinity is that it is a subjective human construct. Well here we go Mr. smarty pants philosopher infinity is thrust upon us through associational contexts between mind and word yet it is somehow an artifact of human reason. Get over it. Max Tegmark (Scientific American) does a brilliant job of refuting this erroneous argument. At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? Yes Other than drug free meditation and arts based experience nothing has come near to my NDE. I did have a meditation experience, which was similarly profound and even more enduring. The beauty of this event is that it was not induced by NDE or any form of drug stimulus. Tried Acid, marijuana and eckies in my hippy days however they are just very poor substitutes. In some ways having worked in drug and alcohol I can see what people are looking for unfortunately it isn't going to happen.

Hey Leo , been following you're content for a whole year learn a lot of stuffs ego-games , spiral dynamics even had a chance to do psychedelics(acide) which eventually helped me grow in another stage of development (orange/green). winbut the unfortunately my problem is that i'm stuck in a low conscientious environment stage red/blue , my own mother and the neighbourhood are doing their best to frame me , i'm constentally getting picked one , sometimes get even threatened to death. I got my image totally ternished , apparently they were expected me to go nuts or to suicide. Now you made your stage red video , this was the perfect moment though i seem to understand what perspective they're coming from , but should i take all that knowing i have my life at stake , Thanks , 9

The Hotel Monte Vista has numerous paranormal guests they can’t get rid of. The hotel, which opened as the Community Hotel in 1927—named after the townspeople who helped raised the funds for its construction—has a history of underground opium dens, speakeasies, and gambling. Today, the hotel is known for the paranormal activity that haunts some of the rooms and halls. Guests who’ve stayed in room 220 have experienced the TV changing channels on its own accord, and some have said they felt cold hands touching them in their sleep. There’s also reportedly a phantom bellboy who knocks on doors and announces “room service,” but when guests get to the door, no one's there. One of the more popular—and possibly most disturbing encounters—is the sound of an infant crying in the basement. The hotel website reads, “Staff have found themselves running upstairs to escape the sound of the cries. Though the sounds are very real to those who hear them, there has been no information that has explained the phenomenon.” ☔ Villa de Vecchi is foreboding, alright. Just consider that looming fog blanket! Located near Lake Como, Italy, the "House of Witches" dates back to 1854-1857, when it was built as a summer house for Count Felix De Vecchi. The family was only able to spend a few years there, as their lives were mired in tragedy right after it was built. First, the architect died a year after construction. Then in 1862, Count De Vecchi came home to discover his wife murdered and his daughter missing. When he could not find her after a year of searching, he died by suicide. His brother then moved into the home and his family continued to live there until WWII. It's been vacant since the 1960s, and an avalanche in 2002 wiped out all the houses in the area... except this one. Spooky. ☔ In 1937, millionaire inventor Norman G. Baker posed as a doctor and turned the hotel into a hospital that he said could cure cancer. Have the chills yet? Baker, who had a fetish for purple, painted many sections of the hospital in the color, and today, the chimneys remain that same color. In addition to wearing purple shirts and ties, he drove a purple car as well. People came from all over with hopes of curing their cancer, and many who were "treated" died. Eventually, Baker was exposed and run out of town, and today the property is an active hotel. It's said to be haunted by several ghosts, including a bearded man wearing Victorian clothing and a five-year-old girl. ☔ In 1892, Lizzie Borden was the main suspect for the axe murders of her father and stepmother. Borden was tried and acquitted of the murders, and guests who visit Lizzie's house in Fall River, Massachusetts say she can be heard cackling about it. Others say that you can sometimes hear a maid screaming for help, and that Lizzie's slaughtered parents stalk the grounds... ☔ In 1890, the Queen Anne hotel in San Francisco was an etiquette school for girls. Today, it has 48 rooms for guests, though some believe the ghost of Miss Mary Lake, the school's headmistress, still lingers. Folks who stay in room 410, Miss Mary Lake’s former office, have woken up to find their blankets closely tucked around them in bed or their clothes unpacked. ☔ According to Ghost City Tours, people have reported the loud and unexplained sounds of children on multiple occasions outside the building. As explained on their site, "both our guides and our guests reported hearing the sounds of children playing in the courtyard of the Ursuline Convent at 10 p.m. There were no children there." Apparently, the closer people get to the convent, the louder the sounds become, despite there being no children present. Some people even report seeing the apparition of a child. Ghost City Tours suspect the haunting experiences are "the sounds of the past playing over and over again," which makes no one feel better about anything. ☔ Mackinac Island, a small isle along Lake Huron that's part of Michigan, has a very dark past. This spot is the site of a ton of reported paranormal activity — but one of the most chilling and malevolent parts of this tourist destination is known as the "drowning pool," which is a body of water with a 20-foot drop off. According to Todd Clements, a historian and the founder of the Haunts of Mackinac ghost tours, seven women who were suspected of being witches had rocks tied to their feet and were thrown into the water. All the women drowned. To this day, there are reported hauntings at the pool. "We've seen shadows come out of water that make no noise or ripples," said Clements in an interview with Midland Daily News. "We've heard huge splashes that were too big to be fish and no one is around." ☔

@zeroISinfinity is probably right about co-dependence. My parents treat me like a child, and i act like a child so we both satisfy our roles. My inability to take responsibility, immaturity, childishness, poor dating skills, poor social skills etc all this stuff comes from being a child on the inside. I look like a man, but inside i act and feel like a scared kid. My dad looks at me like a little kid, but I think he will let me work with him at the farm. But is this going to solve the issue? I don't know. Part of me thinks this is just another way to remain co-dependent, i will still be little kid with his dad at work. 24 year old child working with daddy. It sounds grown up, oh i'm going to work at the farm and be a farmer. Great fantasy in my mind about this work for sure. But would i just be same old kid just doing chores at the farm. Right now when i work there it's not even real work, me and my brother just drive berries to the cannery and sit around waiting for the rows to be cleared by the machine. Today i did more work than usual and it's just terrible, i'm phyiscally and mentally weak and i struggle with basic physical tasks. But on the other hand. I could learn how to actually farm, and develop skills necessary to be a good farmer. If therapy, meds, RASA, energy healing etc if any of that stuff has positive effect, then it could improve my energy, character, mindset etc that will allow me to work harder and be a better employee at the farm. My dad looks at me like a child, but if i work hard and focus on doing well, then i could earn his respect and be viewed as a good worker. I could actually earn my salary, and develop as a person working on the farm. But it feels like avoidance. Like if my dad says you can work at the farm, but i'm not getting real wage and i'm staying at home then i don't know what else to do. Obvious answer is just get job at mcdonalds or a warehouse and work tons of hours to move out, but i just won't do it. I know myself, I literally would do anything to avoid working shit job to survive. I'm entitled, arrogant, child, with false self image, i won't/can't do it. Sad thing is that suicide is easier than being forced to work low end jobs to survive, that's how pathetic of a person I am, i might be more likely to commit suicide then take responsibility for my life and do what's necessary to break co-dependence. Ha, i had so much hope that my life would turn around from this place and the path. I can fantasize so easily about the good life, where i'm happy and life is good. I got the truth about myself though no doubt. This stuff coming out now has been there my whole life, it's the dark side of who I am. My problems are a complete joke compared to the world too. People in Hong Kong are getting put in jail for life for standing up for their future civilization, and i'm crying about dropping out of law school, getting a job, and being a miserable spoiled man child. I always wanted to be a great person, like Keira Yammato. I wanted to be smart, disciplined, impressive, creative, capable, excellent, talented, impactful. Growing up i always wanted that, i always thought that was coming for me. I actually tasted it once before after my last depressive episode, there were a few weeks there where i felt genuinely self actualized and fully capable and powerful. The truth is that it may not happen for me in this life. I may be like this for the rest of my life. This may be it for me. I wonder what people reading think haha, this has to be the most pathetic journal on the forum hands down. Most of them must know that there's nothing they can say that will help me. Learned helplessness and victim mindset is an inside job, if the person isn't actively trying to improve and change their stars than there's nothing that can be done. I've been walloing in the abyss of my own misery for months now, don't see it changing anytime soon.

I feel like it's okay for me to die (sometimes I want to die and suicide) and at the same time I love (don't know if it's real love or not love) life and enjoy it's beauty really sense it and feel it. I don't know what is my situation really about

Still stuck at constant low, depressed state. Constant thoughts about re-current topics. Regret and longing about the law school experience and dropping out. Worry that i'll be stuck in this limbo state for the rest of my life. Shame and embarrassment about seeing people in the world, and admitting to my failures and inadequacies. Worry that i'll be a man child for ever, shame around being a man child right now. I have had a few dreams this week about law school, and they have been a constant them of regret about dropping out, and a desire to experience the fullness of what could have been offered by the experience. I want to bury my head in the sand and just retreat from society, it's basically what i'm doing now tbh. My life and my mind have become completely toxic. My days are pretty much the same, wake up lay in bed and feel comfort and feel shame/regert over how my life is, then i go to the farm and do minimal work and just read my book or listen to podcasts, and i've been a lot of junk food and i'm pretty sure i'm type 2 diabetic right now because i feel tingling in my feet, and then i come home and just go right to bed. The shadow of entitlement, intimacy issues, dependence, being stuck in my comfort zone, arrogance, poor discipline, irresponsibility are coming out. I have no idea how this is going to get better. A guy in my law school said i'm the laziest person he ever met, he was right. I'm pretty sure I have boarder line personality disorder. When i was talking to my mom about getting a job, i almost got insanely mad because she was disagreeing with me. My mom does everything for me, and i'm completely ungrateful and i'm still a spoiled brat. You would think with my life being so shit and me being aware of it that i would be humbled, but i'm not. I'm still entitled and spoiled. These problems are so deeply rooted. How is RASA, energy healing, therapy, psychiatraic meds, psychidelics etc how does that solve this? But all these problems are due to emotional repression? Lol that's what I think, i'm just hoping for a miracle. I always thought things would work out, i always believed that my life would work out. For some people life doesn't work out, there are millions if not billions of people in the world and their lives will not work out and life just goes on with or without people being happy. This is the first time in my life i've had genuine suicidal thoughts. I've heard suicide is the cowards way out, and i think there's truth to it. It's easier to commit suicide then suffer and deal with the pain and resistance of changing. My parents try and they love me, but i ended up rotten. The other day i was thinking how much a relief it would be if my dad and uncle died so i could inherit the money and just buy a house somewhere in the middle of no where and just retire and live out my days. My parents gave me every chance to succeed and this is how I think about them. This is dark. And it's not even that dark because it's all created inside my delusional mind. I don't even know how you deal with this. 10 years of therapy? Mushroom trips every week?

Personally, I don't think that's right. It is ok for a guy to pay more often, to pay for restaurants, outdoor activities or maybe to pay bills but the costs should generally be split. Of course this changes, if the man is the only source of income and the woman, decides to stay home for a couple years raising kids. In that case, it is ok for a guy to finance everything. If you are in a situation where both people earn decent money, there needs to be a split of rent, utilities and general costs. Guy and the girls should also learn traits that would have historically applied to single-sex. So while guy is doing dishes, ironing, cooking, taking care of plants and cleaning the bathroom, the girl should learn to fix the bike, to change water in a car radiator, to unclog the sink, to fix the toilet and replace all light bulbs in the house. This prepares both for life in case they got separated and it also helps men to embrace their feminine side and women their masculine side. Otherwise, you'll end up with the stereotypical the provider and the housewife, the blueprint for slow suicide marriage. The guy always on top, the girl taking care of kids, the dad bribing kids with gifts that she can't afford and the mom falling into depression because she realises she has become a slave of her husband's will. (happened to my parents and got them eventually separated)

A beautiful, eloquent little disturbed trilogy from a suicide & heroin survivor. Dogma seen through, nationalism yet to go?

Speaking personally.. When I investigate this deep enough.. This is the last thing I want as an ego.. To be immortal.. Wow what a hellish thing!. Think about it.. The only reason you can tolerate this life is because of the possibility of your death in the future.. The possibility of annihilation at some point.. That you experience a glimpse of during deep sleep. That's the only way you can tolerate the mass of existence.. By realizing there's an opposite side to that coin. Living forever as the same finite self is what hell is. Imagine that you will keep living this same life as this little human organism on this earth on this universe exactly as it is FOREVER.. That would drive you out of your goddam mind crazy bored suicidal (but there is no suicide you are stuck lol). Seriously this is the worst possible torture. I never understood how immortality could be a good thing.. The best thing about life is it fucking ends. Maybe If you live a new life from scratch after wiping your memory clean and you start fresh as if it is the first time you ever existed.. That would be a reasonable alternative.

Life isn't fair. It had to show me how good it can be and then, in a blink of an eye, poof. I will never forgive life for what it did to me. I'm beyond repair. Don't judge me. I hate everyone and everything. I wish there was a solution. How could this puzzle ever be solved? I would have committed suicide if I knew it would help, but no. IMPOSSIBLE. She's not dead, neither did she leave me. She's mentally ill. And how could I possibly reach her then? If she was dead, suicide would give me a good chance of meeting her in the supposed soul world or afterlife. If she left me, I would have understood. The feelings inside me cannot be described or communicated. She was God, absolutely true. Unlike all them fake, other people. Burning from the inside. Longing to meet her again, but no. IMPOSSIBLE. She's not here, nor there. She's everywhere. Right through everything. Irreplaceable. So infallible. So sweet and lovable. I promised her I will wait, and I'm keeping my promise. I will take her with my arms open when she comes around, and she will come around. Please. I took a 4 hours hike earlier today and cried my eyes out. I wished I could keep walking and crying for eternity but I had to come back home. Life's not fair. The last thing we were talking about was telepathy. She thought it was possible to communicate with one another regardless of all physical restrictions. She knew it from heart. But how can I reach her now? Is she waiting for me in some ethereal dimension? Am I just deluding myself? I don't know, and I don't care. I just wanna be with her. She's my God.

Crime has become an ever present problem. There is a real existential threat to the survival of the species. Not only humans but also animals and natural resources are under great threat. The cost of medical care is really high with many left without insurance. The government doesn't pay any medical costs. People are not helped in their situations of crises. We came so far through evolution only to witness the downslide of humanity. Unemployment rates throughout the world are sky high. These people will never marry, never have children and never create families. Families which were the basic unit of survival. In some ways it makes sense to witness the downspiral because in a karmic sense with so much suffering, it was necessary for everything to collapse in order to end all suffering or make all suffering equal.. Everything starts from dust. Everything goes to dust. It's unthinkable what happened to humanity. When I look around myself, I see most families with 2 kids only. Sometimes and most often it's just 1 kid per family. At this rate, the populations are going to decline rapidly. Although on the surface it looks like the world has a huge population, but if you look deeper it's just a lot of people who are not leading fulfilling lives. Much of it is a farce. It's just numbers on paper There was a sudden burst in the population somewhere in the 70s and the 80s due to significant decrease in infant mortality rate but that burst has survived for quite some time since. Yet, overall the population isn't doing well. The next generation, the ones born in the 90s and late 90s to 2000 are really struggling. Maybe the boomers had it better. But the millennials and the next generations are struggling to make ends meet.. Middle classes are diminishing and disappearing. There is chaos. Mainly jobs. Jobs are being designed that instead of helping families manage better, they suck the energy out of families. The pay is great, that's how capitalism works, great pay for sucking your blood, yet the pay is useless in times of great inflation. Literally every major city jn in the world is expensive. Housing rates are so high. Despite doing well with education, having talent and skill, people are starving because the competition has become cutthroat. Most of the youth is left without a direction or purpose. And this youth will never have families because they don't know what to do with their lives The government has completely besieged us. Because in times of great poverty and crisis, having a paper of rights will be of no use.. The people will be helpless and increasingly dependent on the government for survival meanwhile the government will continue to exploit in the name of new leadership, and the elite will keep feeding on the middle class to fatten their reserves. The problem is that when you get too parasitic, there is nothing left to hunt or steal.. How long will the elite keep raping the middle class. Once people have been thrown into sudden poverty due to unemployment and lack of government support, these people will be rendered useless by the loss of sheer will, what will the elite harvest. There will still be talent.... But the thing is... What about purchasing power. Who will buy from this elite? Without money there will be nobody left to buy anything and business will shut down leading to more unemployment. The thing is that you can't rape people. You can't take everything away from people and strip them naked and actually imagine things to get better. You are digging your own Graves. You are causing mass number of people to die out of hunger, illness, suicide, unemployment and poverty and still expecting that humanity will continue.. The thing is... That if you make people helpless, you can make them do anything.. Job is almost like slavery.. Once you have people helpless, you can make them do anything. You can bank on their fears of survival. You can make them believe anything. Helpless people grasp at straws. They would do anything to just survive. People themselves being a time bomb. That can be potent. They will believe in race wars and division and all sorts of things the media will peddle. People will do senseless things in senseless times. Pretty much this is what you witness in America recently. America is a melting pot, it kinda represents a mini version of the world. America is like a cardboard model of a house. Whatever happens in America usually and eventually happens in the world as well. America is just an indicator of what's to expect. In a sense it's like a Guinea pig of the rest of the world. Whatever ways in which America suffers, is the same way in which the world will reflect this suffering. It seems like terrible times are yet to come. But actually not having kids is a good thing. Because why make them suffer. It seems like the woes won't go away and are here to stay. People will continue to vote for bad leaders. And government as usual won't take responsibility..

With feminism and lots of women choosing to be single and not wanting children, we are going to experience historically low birth rates. In such times it's important to have a significantly low mortality rate. Yet the mortality rate continues to climb. The reason why vaccines were invented, and almost all of human invention from steam engine to automatic food production to invention of medical equipment and general technology was all for the ultimate survival and benefit of mankind Yet look at what's happening. Instead of ensuring survival we are sabotaging survival. Stress itself is the leading cause of death in the world. People are being paid Lower, middle classes are being taxed and burdened leading to the thinning of the middle class, the elites getting fatter each day, the poorer getting poorer, jobs getting harder or completely automated to remove humans, it's crazy how we are destroying the same thing we worked so hard to secure. In a way humanity is committing mass suicide. So many people live without insurance. So many people don't have access to even basic medical care. So few doctors. So few hospitals. Governments aren't equipped to treat a large number of sick people. The medical field is constantly under funded. Much of the funding is usurped by corrupt politicians and a system that looks invisible The money is hard to come by. And whatever comes goes in invisible ways. Governments have failed throughout the world in securing a good future for people. Even tribal communities do a better job at sustaining survival of the tribe than the government Crime is always high since the 90s. Crime has become an ever present problem.

I have some healing for y'all, look no further. I used to have things to say, now I feel too aware to communicate to others. Heaven is in my mind and everybody is already here. I already sense responses from everybody else. I like to play, but I know reading is better for me. Everytime I get on this site to start a topic, I start talking to myself enough onscreen until I just open up yet another document and fill in pages and pages and pages of questions and answers and affirmations and stories. My computer is just an empty desk with virtual form. Maybe I'm not appreciating form enough. Maybe I'm craving reality physically. Maybe I'm deeply fucking over it. Maybe I need to take more DMT to awaken. Maybe I need to take some fucking bipolar medication because somebody else recognizes a distinction in me once I start getting energetic and jovial. Maybe I should contemplate. Maybe I should consider more possibilities and make people feel my pain. I don't intend to be so cruel to you guys. This pain is pretentious anyways. It's all just thoughts. I don't feel depressed. I don't feel passionless. Mental illness is just a distinction of being cured, I understand that. If you want to play life on extreme difficulty, try explaining awakening beyond form to a mental health professional attempting to diagnose you because of what your parents said you believed. Of course, you don't believe anything; you simply consider. You talked too fucking much. For that, I dislike my parents for ever trying to fucking tell me I'm different. And they tell me this all the time. I love them for making me who I am though; I have nobody else to be anyways. Hate is love. Maybe I like being unhappy right now. I have a news flash. Creativity is the source of mental illness. People tend to go overboard. We are very clever dramatists even to ourselves. I'd rather play with the fact that the remaining universe is the Buddha's mind not yet awoken from meditating on the future. Maybe I'm the future Buddha, oo Maitreya. But so is everyone else. Nobody wants to be themselves. Wouldn't it be fun to roleplay as any other form? That sounds like an actor complex. Ah, so I'm the creative type who has difficulty forming a sense of identity. I think laterally do I? Honestly, I only think because I remember looking for another authority figure's point of view. It comes from the literal "Heaven in my mind" possibility that I keep tabs with. I communicate to all of y'all telepathically-- you like how I built the place? The Dao Sustains. No matter what. No question can fix reality. If one did, it would annihilate everybody. If somebody had an answer for reality, it would call for suicide or a really big explosion. Explanation of the answer is asking somebody to take a pleasurable shit on your face while you already feel bad. In that situation, they know more because you asked less. I am aware of the answer, everybody. Don't gotcha me. So literally the only thing I have to do is appreciate shit? appreciate or die, spiritual seeker shit for brain awoken membrane. You are only another. You are not special; nobody thinks you are until you are and then even you begin to have doubts. Am I lazy for not being able to sustain appreciation because I get annoyed with my own forceful attempts to focus? Do I just like to come up with more and more stupid levels of wonder? It feels like an uncontrollable itch. I could cease, but where else am I gonna go? I'm tired of Leo's metaphysics. I want to know how I could create physicality itself, not build a motorcycle. I'm already on track for that. I mean I want to be responsible for inviting the aliens on the white house lawn type shit. Do I want the responsibility? Do I want the selfish, THAT WAS MINE, accomplishment of it? No, I only love the magic of happening. My dad really wants it to happen. I'm not any more useful to him as anything else other than his son if I don't possess that possibility. Do I want to be more than who I am? Am I attempting to prove something grand? I suppose that's my problem. Stage Orange levels of self progress, lack of assimilation into the stage Green community. Fuck people. That's all I want. I am tired of seeing people as my soul. I want to objectify women again. Oooo. That's egoic corruption. Cleanse, my son. You need Jesus. *a couple worship songs later* Fuck Jesus. Krishna is better. * a couple hare hare's later* Krishna is fucking sick. THE END .. Don't forget the DejaVuddha. Buddha imagined him first before he walked a million miles. That's how he left that tree. Awakening is nothing short of DejaVu into infinite familiarity. Remember where it began: once you saw it all before!! hahaha * a couple evil laughs later* Fuck you. Contemplate and then say something interesting.

In my experience, bodily pain isn't very bad as such. Worrying, striving, conflicts and so forth are far worse. Have you ever been in incapacitating non-malicious pain (not talking about torture!) while convinced it's OK and there is nothing you need to do? It's easy to relax and not to resist pain then and suicide becomes only another word for no more dope. You've got to wonder... why would people liberated from thought use language so unskillfully? If you were talking for the benefit of others rather than yours, why speak at all unless you're going to be understood? If you were able to see things from the perspective of others, couldn't you speak words they'd understand?

@Nahm suffering is real. 100%. 200%. Absolutely. Totally. Completely. Pain that is. Very unpleasant sensations. Makes some people go nuts. Fall into depression. Commit suicide. You probably had plenty of it throughout your life and still experiencing glimpses of it it here and there throughout your day. I'm not talking about philosophical spiritual abstract suffering.. That is not "real" suffering.. Real suffering is physical material objective in this area or that..