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I had severe heavy metal poisoning for about 5 years without knowing it thinking it was just the way I was. I entered hell for about 5 years with no end in sight. I saw many specialists but all of them were clueless until i figured it out for myself recently. The pain was verging on 10/10 and i considered suicide multiple times but I eventually made it through and now I'm healthy again thanks to my persistence and not to try to gloat but ingenuity. I'm just glad I took the initiative in the end, it saved me my life.

So I'm 19 and I have only been in two different relationships. This is because I met the girl I am with now since I was in 7th grade (She was a year below me). We were just friends probably the first year of knowing each other before we ended up "dating". She has always had a hard life, I remember walking to her house from my friends house around this time and she lived in a four bedroom house with her grandmother, four brothers, two sisters, and her uncle and his son (both adults paying no bills). After awhile of being on again off again being kids, I'd say around 9th grade, we got in a more serious relationship (no games being played, no talking to other people, etc.) This was a fun time, I was working a lot after school and on the weekends and I was able to get dropped off at her house after work to see her a lot more then my mom would drive me (since my mom always had to go both ways she never had a ride). More backstory on her before I move on because it gets a bit ridiculous, her mom and dad have always been in and out of her life, her dad was a drug addict and her mom was an alcoholic and they would always do good together till they fucked up together. They have been broken up as long as I have known her now, her dad is remarried with a very successful (and narcissistic) women. Her grandmother has always taken care of her and all her siblings (a few siblings living elsewhere). Her grandmother was old and sick though, eventually she died in 2017. Then less then a year later her step sister attempted suicide, was in the hospital for a month and then died. This stuff was obviously very hard for her and I made sure to do the best I could to help her every step of the way. When her grandmother died her dad and stepmom showed up to take them all to live with them in PA. Anyone could have guessed it wasn’t going to last, bringing in six kids and they already had two of their own. Eventually her stepmom got to a point where she was so mad at her dad that she kicked him and all his kids out. This meant they all had to find different places to go so they didn’t end up in the system, which also meant she was coming to live with me around the middle of 2018. I have too admit this terrified me at first. I had three brothers and a dysfunctional mom and step dad at the time who always had money problems. This was when I was in 12th grade, just started doing co - op at school which meant I worked for an electrical company for two weeks and went to school for two weeks all year. I was always a saver, bought myself my first car at 16 knowing nobody was gonna do it for me. I am an apprentice now for the same residential electric company making 15$ an hour and going into my 3rd year of school this year for that (I got to skip the first year because I took it in high school). So anyway, I was terrified of her moving in just because we are so young and that's such a big step for a relationship, it's not like we had an extra bedroom for her either. I hated her being there for awhile, but eventually I got over it and made the most out of it. She got a job at a restaurant down the street from my house shortly after moving in, bought her own car and is still working there today. We have gotten really close and I am definitely in love with her, she is my best friend no doubt. Around about a year of her living with me, her mom passed away from drinking too much after taking pain medication. Her mom was getting her life together and building a good relationship with her awhile before this, when she got hit by a car (this is why she fell back down again). So this hit rose hard, I think it's been over a year now and I don't think she has made much progress with how she feels about it. She has always had depression issues and I always accepted that about her because of her life and what she's been through. We don't really argue much, and when we have it was usually from me saying the wrong thing. I got into personal development around the middle of 12th grade, just reading books and making budgets and listening to Dave Ramsey thinking I was the shit, but still my goal was always just to better myself. Because of this eventually I found Leo. Leo was literally a gold mine in my eyes, exactly who I was looking for. This also lead me into the trap of binging all his content (which had lots of benefits too) and then projecting everything I learned onto other people. So when she would get upset about something, eventually I started spouting things at her that Leo said, that I thought might help. This always turned her being upset into her being mad at me and threatening to end the relationship because I wasn't giving her the love she needed and being a dick about her problems. About two months ago I had an LSD trip (yes I do them safely) where I learned a lot about happiness and love. I basically taught myself what happiness really is, and that if I want to truly be loving I have to love everyone regardless of who they are or how I feel about them. I had the phrase "love everyone" come up in my mind all day for about two weeks after that. This helped me to see through my ego a bit the next time we argued and I realized what I was doing wrong and decided that no matter how many times she tells me I need to give her more love, to just accept it and do it. I believe this has ended the cycle of arguing, but not her being upset. Now she seems to be getting worse with her depression. She isn't like this all the time, we actually talk about it together like it’s a state that she gets to. But if you asked her when she's in this "state" she would say she's in it all the time and it is still there whenever she is feeling good (like laughing with me hanging out or having a good day at work). She says she has a huge struggle to get herself to do anything at all even though she hardly misses a day at work, she's about to start college this year and she does meal prep with me every Sunday. She doesn't seem to be interested in personal development, when I talk about her doing something like reading a book I think would help her or watching Leo she'll say, "I'm trying but you know this is really hard for me" or "I am doing it but I can't stay consistent because of my depression". She has done a couple things towards it like taking notes about habits and motivation, but not much towards putting it into action. We both vape, I quit about 6 months ago for 4 months and then I backslid a lot when my mom and stepdad split up. I also smoke weed a good bit, but she will only smoke before bed some nights. She's into spiritual stuff, she will meditate with me if I do it when she's around, but wont bring it up on her own, she understands a lot of what I talk about with her but doesn't see the practicality of it even though I've explained countless times how so much of it has helped me and my own mental space. We still live at my moms house with my brothers, trying to get through the hard parts of live to eventually buy a house. This state she gets into can last for a week or two sometimes, her happier states being much shorter. School just started and she's already super overwhelmed with it and wants to quit, she goes back and forth on her happiness with her job, the love I give her is now shunned at times when she is feeling worse. She describes her head space as something that nothing can help, and as time goes on less and less things seem to help (even me). She can't control it, she feels so anxious that her thoughts are racing. She has been to therapy a few times before when she was younger and she says that it is not for her, she hates the idea of it. It seems to me like this anxiety stops her from pushing forward so many of her ambitious goals and causes so much fear. She hates driving long distances because of it, she spent her last year of high school doing it online because she was so anxious there everyday, I don’t even think she would keep the room clean at all if I didn't expect her to keep it certain way (clean freak). Anyway I guess my question is what should I do? The last thing I want to hear is to break up with her for my own sake or something like that…. I really want her to get through this, she is a great person and when she is not in this negative state she is my favorite person to be around. She say's her thoughts are so negative she wont even share a lot of them out loud and tells me she wants to die frequently when she's in this state. I don't believe she takes it serious enough to actually try something, but I'm scared that’s where it is heading.

Not in the same way and they suffer less which is already a good reason to pursue it. It's more like metta okayness and peace than happiness. If we take identical twins and one is enlightened and one not, both are suicidally depressed and eventually both commit suicide, I would still much rather be the enlightened one in the prosses

Its perfectly normal to feel this way. Anybody without witnessing anything directly will always have some resistance towards it. I also remember how I used to be. You are in a certain state of mind right now. In your current condition any reference to any story which was recorded in some book or by witness accounts will not satisfy you right now. Because you are looking for indisputable evidence for them and we have no readily available evidence except for said stories and witness reports. Even if some how if you get to witness such an event, your mind will explain it away by using some biased logical argumentation. What I would suggest for you instead is to first do some research and learn about THOSE things which we DO have Some/Substantial evidence for(but still most of the population do not know and consider it to be unreal). Once you get exposed to a few of such experiences of knowing about things which seem impossible, but are very much true will open up your mind for further possibilities and your mind will find it easy to digest those other possibilities afterwards. You coming to this forum putting forth such questions is the first step. Congratulations on that. Things you can research(Some resources linked): To search CIA research documents and articles on "ESP", "Psychic", "Remote Viewing", "UFO" etc., Go to this CIA Webpage https://www.cia.gov/library/readingroom/search/site/ and search for those keywords, you'll get many results. Clicking on them will take you to the particular article or research document's page, from where you can download the pdf file, which is usually numbered something like this: "cia-rdp96-00792r000300070001-7.pdf" under the title "Attachment". From CIA public release documents: CIA's Gateway Process - (Please read the whole report if possible - A must read for this forum members): Old Yogic States of Conciousness with Siddhi type powers like reading past, future and OBEs using Modern Methods of Hemi Sync Tapes / Binaural Beats, etc. In my opinion the assessor had to bullshit his way through some of the stuff by replacing the old paradigms with made up scientific concepts and names to please the concerned people so that it doesn't get rejected by getting a stigma of an occult phenomena, which is evident from what he himself says at the end of the first paragraph itself. ANALYSIS AND ASSESSMENT OF GATEWAY PROCESS https://www.cia.gov/library/readingroom/document/cia-rdp96-00788r001700210016-5 1 - Psychic Phenomena: AN ASSESSMENT OF THE EVIDENCE FOR PSYCHIC FUNCTIONING (Read the conclusions on page 20 & 21) https://www.cia.gov/library/readingroom/document/cia-rdp96-00791r000200070001-9 STUDY OF SOME ESP TESTING METHODS AND THEIR VALIDITY (Read Conclusion on page 21) https://www.cia.gov/library/readingroom/document/cia-rdp96-00792r000300070001-7 U.S. SPACE ADMINISTRATION OFFICIAL REVIEWS TELEPATHIC PHENOMENA AS ENERGY TRANSFER https://www.cia.gov/library/readingroom/document/nsa-rdp96x00790r000100040002-2 PROPOSAL FOR AND INITIAL SPECIFICATIONS OF PROJECT SUN STREAK BIBLIOGRAPHIC DATABASE(Project to catalogue all sorts of phychic phenomena from ESP, OBE, REINCARNATION, etc. etc.. Published by anyone) https://www.cia.gov/library/readingroom/document/cia-rdp96-00789r003700720001-2 CIA's Interest in CHINA`S PSYCHIC CHILDREN: https://www.cia.gov/library/readingroom/document/cia-rdp96-00792r000300420017-1 CIA's Interest in OBE(Out Of Body Experiences): EXCEPTIONAL HUMAN EXPERIENCE, OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCES https://www.cia.gov/library/readingroom/document/cia-rdp96-00792r000700350009-4 2 - UFO Reports: (Says on top, many of them are unsubstantiated - suggesting some are substantial) https://www.cia.gov/library/readingroom/collection/ufos-fact-or-fiction I personally don't believe that any disclosure from top government is going to happen. Because I have seen the same kind of situations before. Nothing came out of it. But, if such a thing ever has to happen, Mr.Donald Trump is the only one unpredictable enough to do such a thing. Finger's crossed. It is also possible all UFO phenomenon might just be a terrestrial secret government projects with UFO nonsense to coverup such projects. I personally think there is some credibility to UFO Reports(But, still open minded about my beliefs being false), because of sheer amounts of cases and openly shared case files from other countries as well as too many people from CIA, NSA and Defence as well as NASA and other similar employees and contractors openly testified about them in "Disclosure Project" by Steven Green . But, nothing came out of it. That's why I'm skeptical about disclosure. Recent Pentagon admittance of UFOs(They are not saying they are aliens - But couldn't explain them): Disclosure Project by Steven Greer: Citizen Hearing on Disclosure before retired congress members: Probably bullshitting because of election. But anyway here it is: There are also many documentaries on UFOs on youtube as well. Occult Chemistry By Annie Besant and Charles Leadbeater - 3rd edition SINNETT (1919):(Theosophical Society from Adyar, South India) https://www.researchgate.net/publication/339298637_Occult_Chemistry_By_Annie_Besant_and_Charles_Leadbeater_-_3rd_edition_SINNETT_1919 (Dowload the PDF full text) https://www.globalgreyebooks.com/ebooks/annie-besant/occult-chemistry/occult-chemistry.pdf HTML Version Online: http://www.gutenberg.org/files/16058/16058-h/16058-h.htm Look closely, same Atom model in Occult Chemistry work is shown as Torus in CIA's Project Gateway Process: For reincarnation and near death experiences, there are many documentaries on youtube. 3 - Reincarnation Research: https://med.virginia.edu/perceptual-studies/our-research/children-who-report-memories-of-previous-lives/ Academic Publications: https://med.virginia.edu/perceptual-studies/publications/academic-publications/children-who-remember-previous-lives-academic-publications/ Reincarnation deniers couldn't give proper explanation as to how in some cases, the birth marks and birth defects of a person remembering their past lives correspond exactly to the traumatic injuries of their previous birth. 4 - Near Death Experiences(NDE): https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6172100/ (Read the conclusion) https://med.virginia.edu/perceptual-studies/our-research/near-death-experiences-ndes/ https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/new-clues-found-in-understanding-near-death-experiences/ (Drugs also cause NDE like Experiences - which is well known in this forum) Convieniently when people explain away the NDE's they use examples like above scientificamerican article to do so. But, they never explain about those cases where the person was able to accurately recall details about other events that happen from quite a distance from where their physical body is. CIA's Interest in Near Death Experiences: BASTERFIELD, KEITH. NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCES: AN AUSTRALIAN SURVEY https://www.cia.gov/library/readingroom/document/cia-rdp96-00792r000700920001-9 LIFE AFTER DEATH https://www.cia.gov/library/readingroom/document/cia-rdp96-00787r000200080041-9 Self Immolation of buddhist monk (Copy & fix the links by removing the spaces) He said to have not uttered a word or moved. The jerky movements of his hands and legs you can see after he falls I think is due to involuntary muscle contractions due to heat and melting of body tissue. https: // www. youtube. com/watch?v=ZwQTsCiguHc&bpctr=1598354602 Contrast to that, see this video where two people shout, run and roll down in pain: https: // www. youtube. com/watch?v=tndFEn5WZrI The Fire Yogi (Doesn't seem to have full control, covers his body with thick cloth): Buddha Boy: Prahlad jani - Fasting without food & water for several decades: Kundalini Yoga / Kundalini Awakening: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5433116/ (Case for kundalini yoga being real. But, useless for the extent we want to understand it) Research for reduction of stress levels by doing kundalini yoga. You can read the conclusion if you do not want to read the entire thing(Its hard to understand anyway). Research Proposal: https://icrcanada.org/research/memorandum https://icrcanada.org/research/literaryresearch One of the oldest Kundalini community website: https://www.kundalini-gateway.org/klist/index.html Unfortunately the founder of the above website El Collie committed suicide. I don't know whether she did that not being able to cope with extreme kundalini symptoms or with the intention to get permanent liberation. People claim it is the former. But, who knows!. For Kundalini Awakening and the effects it Causes, Search youtube, with keywords: "Shaktipat" "Kundalini Awakening Experience" Video for understanding: In the above video, since the blue shirt person is the one doing the shaktipat(Energy Transmission). He being the source, the people in whom the energy is activated becomes intoxicated and wants to go and merge into the source and become one with it. It's feels almost involuntary but you do have some control. Not everyone reacts the same way though. The way they behave depends on their acquired samskaras and Vasanas (Tendencies and conditioning). Dynamo Jack: The energy in this video what they call as chi is what is called as Kundalini in Vedic terms. This energy is being used in this video for healing, or heating things. The same energy when passes through the Sushumna Nadi(Central invisible channel in the body) and reaches top of the crown at the Brahma randhra causes Enlightenment/Liberation. When this kundalini rises with in the body, it causes too much heat within the body, which sometimes is very uncomfortable. Sometimes it also rises with cooling effect. Generally it rises. But, in some people it descends too. Kundalini is not a fairy tale because I experienced it directly, which was like a volcanic eruption inside my body with heat filling up my whole body. Also causing violent swirls in different directions feeling like my whole being is swirling round and round for a while. There were other symptoms as well. It was a bit of a scary experience. It also causes involuntary bodily movements called kriyas. We all know the equation E=mc squared which means energy equals mass. When nuclear explosion happens, the small ball of uranium or plutonium of around 5 - 10 cms turns into enormous amounts of energy. Similarly I believe when enormous amount of energy is concentrated in a single spot and stabilised will create solid matter. This can be understood from the fact that when gas is compressed, it turns into liquid, when compressed further turns into solid. But, in order to do so, it requires enormous amounts of pressure. From my understanding, I think when enormous amounts of this energy is directed and focused with an intention to turn it into an object will create that object. For E,g: Babies doesn't even have the bodily nerve and muscle configuration necessary to speak their first word. But, they start only with the intention first to say the word. The very intention when exercised again and again by directing it into physical activity creates the necessary muscular and neuronal structure necessary to produce that exact word. Which later they learn to produce all other words with the same method. Similarly, may be this energy when directed with intention may produce desired effect in the world creating the object. Just look around the world, all the big buildings to cities to bridges to space rockets to nuclear weapons to everything else man has produced. All of them he created in his mind first, which later directed by physical activity, has manifested into reality. As for the credibility of these phenomena posted above, some of them or many of them might be not what they seem to be. But, to reject all of them as fake without digging deep into their truth would be crazy. As for manifesting actual stuff into reality, generally yogis do not create stuff, its much harder. They simply move things from one place to another. Lets say you ask for an apple, they'd simply steal it from a market or an orchard: sort of like teleportation. But, just as a sample, like somebody mentioned here already, there is a story in Autobiography of a yogi which says a master had created a whole palace studded with gems by combining the ambient air or something. There are many such stories in that same book. Through out history there are way too many such reports, to reject all of them as false may not be wise. There are thousands of such books describing thousands of such accounts. Probably not all of them are true, nor are all of them false. Keeping an open mind is helpful. But, at the same time not too open that you believe anything and everything.

Another gloomy picture that I now got is that suicide may be the ego's subconscious becoming so scared of death that it takes its own life in order to get the horrible feeling over with. The ego is a control freak when it comes to its own protection and survival. And what is the firm belief in inevitable physical death? That's total lack of control for the ego! And it's a lack of control over precisely that which it wants protection from, namely death. ACIM says that the ego raises control instead sanity to preeminence. Something along that line. What it means is that the ego's belief in personal control is insanity. And indeed, if life is automatic, then the idea of personal control is false. And suffering is then a tool for evolution to move out of the belief in separate control. The sense of free will is a necessary stage of development, yet if it's a false sense, then we need to grow out of it.

After awakening, schizophrenic thoughts raise up, i realize them and watch them. I am the schizophrenia, as much as it increases, awakening becomes more more more more more more. Love love love. No self, no self, no self. freedom, freedom, freedom. Nothingness, nothingness and nothingness. but if you take schizophrenic feeling as personal and hold on them, such as you are a person and having schizophrenia, you might suicide. Be very very very very careful.

@Zigzag Idiot Thanks for the kind words. Suicidal thoughts have been increasing over the past few days. Not sure if it's related to the lamotrigine, i'm still at a very low dosage, but it's something that concerns me. I found myself looking at a chandelier in my house while trying to do some yoga, and then I thought about hanging myself from it. The thoughts usually come as a sign of me giving up. Like when I think of my classmates and friends succeeding in life, and compare it to where i'm at in life, thoughts of suicide arise as a sort of solution to the problem. No mind/no self no problem i guess. I have started isolating myself more and more, and my family is getting more concerned and worried. In the short term, over the next month or so, i don't see too much changing. The meds won't start working for a month, and it feels like i'm mentally paralyzed. I feel like a helpless child. I have to make a change. There's a meditation retreat that offers retreats for up to 3 months, but i don't know if i could do a retreat in my current state. And i've read that retreats are hesitant to offer spots to people with mental health disorders, and given my recent diagnosis they would be right to be skeptical about me taking part in a retreat. I have a tendency to engage in splitting. I view the world in black and white terms. So when I think about taking steps forward in life, i thinik of other people who i view as successful and good, and i realize that i'm not going to be one of those people so what's the point of trying. There are adults at 24, who are responsible, pay bills, work, have deep relationships etc. And i'm basically 12. And because i don't see a path to being a well-adjusted 24 year old, i keep myself paralyzed. I wonder what my life will be like in 5, 10, 15 years. Past predicts future, and i've struggled with the same issues for years now. Even if i manage to improve and feel better, i've had 2 mental breakdowns now in my life, this may become a trend. Every few years just a complete breakdown. I wonder if after this life is over, i'll be able to live another life with all the experiences i have now from this one. So i have a taste of misery now, and maybe my next life i'll come back as a well-adjusted happy human being. Or some other race of beings who knows.

Sunday August 23rd, 21:48 There's some "NO!" within me, fighting the way I feel, even having made me consider suicide. But at the same time I feel this "NO" is something artificial, something that is not true to me. I feel exactly that right now if I'm just able to drop this "NO!", life right now will be completely fine. I don't necessarily feel bad right now, but there is this resistance, but yet I am aware that this resistance is not truly me, yet it's pervasive, yet at the same time I really just feel like I'm one inch away from being peaceful right now. I wonder where this "NO!" came from. It's not really... authentic. I actually don't feel like I need to do the opposite, which would be fighting for life or to stay alive. It's not an aggressive Arnold Schwarzenegger "YES!" that's required to come to peace, but more like a simple, easy kind of "yes". It's a "yes" with a playful kind of attitude, a "yes" that does not consider whatever experience happens to be there as undesirable. It's funny how I realize this, yet I can not as of right now embody that kind of attitude, yet I know I'm literally just one step away. I'm also becoming more aware of the way I create my reality by my own beliefs, how powerful your own expectation of how something is going to be actually creates your reality. Sometimes I forget that truth, and sometimes it's very clear.

Beware that the power of letting go must be aknowledged and appreciated. By the way, who says that if you don't chase enlightenment you lost in life? Who says that it's the best goal to persue? Of course im not talking about letting go of goals, life purpose, and aspirations. Pain, when it comes to this, if managed and not severely extreme that takes you to suicide, can be great so later on you can live a good life. You start you life shitty as hell but in the end you conquer it like most people don't.

@Harmony342 How come Americans and English people seem to hate office jobs? I have been working in 3 different offices, two of them very large, and I have never met a person who was having a bad day. In American shows everyone is always tired in an office, and they look like they are contemplating suicide. Is it not a big enough dream to do relatively relaxing work in an office?

@WHO IS well there is suicide, but there is much safer methods as well such as psyhadelics, if you go in the trip with the dying wish the dream shall be revealed to you, and that state it doesn't matter if you are in the God mode or human mode since all time disappears.

@Harmony342 Regarding this topic the movie "memento" fascinated me. Specially the real meaning of the story. The guy has a severe memory condition. Normally one would think about suicide. Leading such a life seems to be quite meaningless because of that the guy tricked himself to give himself a meaning. It's a fake meaning but because he can't remember that it's fake he thinks it is real. That way he keeps himself alife. How would you deal with it?

Will it be really bad if I commit suicide? I cant go on anymore. Will it harm my karma, reincarnation? May be these are all bullshit.

One has to wonder also if his ego mind is the only one... Wouldn't enlightment be harder to achieve? Hidden? Wouldn't every enlightened person become instantly depressed after this realization? Imagine a monk and the Buddha. The monk becomes enlightened and asks the Buddha: Monk:Buddha I'm the only one, it's only me? Buddha:Yes it has always been you. Monk:How depressing. I want to forget again. Might as well just suicide. Buddha:You can't die you only change forms. Monk:Damm. And why would people promote Nirvana, Heaven,God realization if it is so bleak? It doesn't make sense honestly. Wouldn't all this stuff not exist if the ego mind is the only one? All i wanted i guess was the Christian heaven lol. I got something much weirder and scarier while searching for this so called "God". You can't run away from yourself i guess.

@Erick On March 26, 1997, police discovered the bodies of 39 members of the Heaven’s Gate religious group who had committed mass suicide in order to reach what they believed was an alien space craft following Comet Hale–Bopp. All members were dressed in dark clothing and Nike sneakers. https://qph.fs.quoracdn.net/main-qimg-7781c72ee667fd7c818b31e28b40913b If you know what i mean lol Maybe they astral-projected and made it...

My Opinion: From what I have seen and understood. Not all enlightened have same experiences of enlightenment. Some may experience absolute absence profoundly, some experience absolute presence with everything being one. Some experience both. Some never experience Prema(Unconditional Love) aspect of it(Best example U.G.Krishnamurthi - In one of his videos denied love as an aspect of enlightenment). Some may not get any special insights(What people call as spontaneous knowledge downloads). We hear stories of yogis, saints and sages who although preach non-duality, have lived through many lives through eons of time through multiple various realities. Yet, Most of the Non-Dualers in recent times having never experienced any of the infinitude of most wonderful creations in this (un)reality, seem to commit permanent suicide of merging into Brahman. Non-Dual realization when attained prematurely without proper mental preparation and without equal knowledge of both duality and non-duality, will make one talk like a robot with no feelings, rejecting duality like a plague. Who knows, may be after realising non-duality, one can also learn how to bring ego back again willfully, going in and out of duality with full control. Thus by extending the karmic cycle and experiencing myriad of experiences in various realms in various times, with very little suffering. Why give up individuality? I know there isn't any self to do the willing, but isn't that the same kind of impossibility for a ego self to realize and understand non-duality and yet the non-dual states are achieved(Impossible is attained). Similarly there may be a way to achieve dual-egoic identification once again from non-dual states as well. Who knows, in an imaginary dream reality anything should be possible, for Brahman has no restrictions.

Note: I'm not enlightened. My knowledge is scriptural, and as such is only intellectual. Dear @gswva Because of law of karma(Tendencies, conditioning, behavioural patterns, Influences from others & society, etc..) - Once every bit of karma is burnt off including prarabhdha and there is no individuation any more, that'll be the end of that individual. Karma is that fuel which keeps individuation going on. Karma is generated through identification with the body / mind. Any form of identification which is of the nature of ego with the sense of doer-ship creates karma. As long as there is a karmic(cause & effect) chain binding you to some reality, your individuality is safe. Because, even if you get enlightened, the Prarabhdha Karma - 'The fructified karma which determines the experiences of current life' will not get dissolved until the current body dies. Because if it did, the body along with individuation would die the very moment enlightenment happens due of lack of any binding mechanism(karma) to bind it to duality. As to how the initial karma gets generated, there are varying opinions. I have some speculation on it. But, because of lack of direct experience, not so sure about it my self. Also, not sure even if enlightenment might make you understand it. Perhaps samyama on karma might help understand it. Brahman doesn't split into anything. The apparent world is just a projection with-in Brahman - like water seen in a mirage. Even when the projection is happening, there is no change in Brahman(Just like a mirror, even though showing the entire world with-in itself, doesn't change its own state). These projections will keep happening with infinite realities with infinite Jiva(s)(living entities) emerging out and dissolving continuously. But, any PARTICULAR ENTITY with its own 'ego and experiences' having once merged into Brahman will never come back again. "But, I am of the opinion that even after such merging, if prompted by some agency in duality, which has knowledge of said individual, that individual or even a whole reality of a universe can be brought back". There is no self in Brahman. Brahman DOESN'T 'WILL' or 'WISH' to create anything(Willing and wishing are only for the creatures with a 'mind and ego' with-in duality. Brahman is beyond such concepts and is beyond Duality). Just like wetness and fluidity are intrinsic to water; Similarly, the nature of reflecting 'mirage like projections' of realities with-in itself is intrinsic to Brahman. Such projections are what we refer to as 'Creation / Universe'. Brahman has infinite of such Creations / Universes with-in itself. Each of such universes exist within the mind of an individuated atomic-particle(Jiva - PRIMARY CREATION) of Brahman as an imagination/dream-like-projection with-in that Jiva(living entity) - whom we call as god or creator of that universe. These jivas are like mirages without any separate existence apart from Brahman. Cosmic universes(SECONDARY CREATION) experienced with-in Jivas are like water seen in that mirage. (Mirage and Water-seen-in-it are both in truth Non-Existent). (Scriptural Description along with my *own opinion* to clarify the Scriptural Description): With-in each such universe/reality, infinite other universes/realities are created by the jivas who have died in it *and are creating them through mental projection in their after life states / In states of deep meditation, either conciously or unconciously(Just like we do in our dreams). Some of those projections may intermingle with one another and function as one single universe/reality, with many such intermingled universes/realities in existence. While some completely isolated from others as separate universes/realities. Having once come into existence, being supported by Brahman; these universes/realities continue to exist even after the destruction of its parent universe i.e change in state of that jiva or liberation of that jiva who is projecting the parent universe with-in the higher order reality. * With-in each of them, infinite other universes/realities exists. This cycle goes on ad-infinitum with-in them. We are living in one such reality/universe, whose nature is that which we experience in it. That's why reality as a whole is NOT JUST INFINITE IN SINGLE DIMENSION. BUT, INFINITE IN INFINITE DIMENSIONS. If you are to write it is as a mathematical equation, you can write its as Infinity(Infinity(Infinity(Infi.....))))))... infinitely. Not all experiences are neutral, There are literally infinity of experiences that can be had, ranging from suffering, to neutral, to unimaginably exotic realities, full of joy and happiness, stimulating all kinds of emotions and blissfulness with infinite variety to infinite degree. Because, Brahman is not limited by anything as it is the very source of everything. The human body/mind cannot grasp all of these realities from its current state, for it may not even have the faculties necessary to experience such states. No experience is permanently the same. Even with-in same reality experiences keep changing. "Just as karma, such is experience". Infact, some devotional schools of Bhakthi path doesn't even like Non-Dual liberation, and it is considered by them as a permanent suicide. The devotees after attaining a liberation of a dual type, experience going to imaginary heavenly abodes(one of the universes/realities mentioned above) of their imaginary gods(which are experienced as real - Just like this imaginary reality by us) and enjoy heavenly delights with no trace of any suffering, which is far more exotic and enjoyable than any earthly existence. For this reason, not everyone wishes to dissolve their individuation. So, Non-Duality is not the only game in town. May be after Non-Dual enlightenment, one need to learning how to develop purified ego once again to furthur generate more sattva karma to keep the individuation intact. Even Ramana Maharishi who taught Non-Duality worshipped Arunachaleshwara. Ramakrishna Paramahamsa who taught non-duality to Swami Vivekananda worshipped Kaali. But, what type of liberation they attained I do not know. My Opinion: To maximise life's potential and blissfulness and swim constantly in variety "Non-Duality is to be Realised and Individuation is to be Maintained".

"Those who want to live, let them fight, and those who do not want to fight in this world of eternal struggle do not deserve to live." - Adolf Hitler, a man who committed suicide after failing to win a war and plunging the world into an era of darkness

@DocWatts Thanks! I recently read Diamond's "The World Until Yesterday" which was a good read. My sense from Collapse (watched his TEDTalk) is that he's focusing on relatively small societies compared to the entire United States or the globalized world as a whole, which doesn't make his conclusions any less valid just interesting to think about how these issues could or may scale up, and the impacts of that. It would be interesting to do a study on what Spiral Dynamics level these societies were at when they collapsed...I'm guessing mainly Red and Blue. Red not thinking ahead and committing suicide in the name of power. Blue being stubbornly stuck in its ways and refusing to adapt/innovate. Partly why Trump has been so frightening as a leader during this increasingly fragile moment in human history. My hope is as Western countries progress into late Orange, Green and even Yellow, that real changes can finally begin to materialize. Green can bring the impassioned need for environmental solutions, Orange can meet the demands via cutting-edge innovation and quick thinking, and Yellow can holistically implement and manage the massive and surely disruptive shifts. Of course, this is a plausible reality but also potentially wicked naive and overly optimistic - I concede that. But, hey, let's give it all we got, no?

The tale of the Wendigo The strange death of Gaurav Tiwari The mysterious tragic murder death of Debby Constantino and husband caused by invaded spirits during their ghost adventures Cases discussed in the video. 1. The mysterious deaths of Sonny Graham and Terry Cottle, heart transplant case. 2. Carissa Glen mysterious haunting and suicide. 3.The pollock family mystery. Jacqueline and Joanna and Jennifer and gillian. The Pollock sisters 4.Room 428 of Wilson Hall 5.the strange solving of the murder of Teresita Basa by her own spirit beyond the grave The demonic possession and exorcism of Maurice Frenchy Theriault. The phenomenon of spontaneous human combustion MK Ultra glitch and glitch in the matrix NBA player Draymond Green stare. The mystery of the Babushka lady

Shieeet... I want to jump off the bridge. I mean, I WANT TO JUMP OFF THE FUCKING BRIDGE! I had been riding my bicycle to work before and every damn morning I just looked down and wanted to jump, freefall is so seductive. They say it's over 15 meters, which means that my speed will be over 60 kilometers per hour on landing after around 2 seconds of freefall. The river is wide, I don't swim like a pro but I have a friend with a boat. I need to check the depth of the river, check if the bottom is clean and find a lower place to train my landing technique and estimate if 15+ meters is a good idea with as little experience as I have. I'm also guessing if it is good with the local society, I don't want to become a celebrity here, LOL. And I need to wait for the next summer to figure out all the details of that deliberately failed suicide.

Money is the root cause of a lot of evil in the world. Money creates tension, stress, people who don't have enough money commit suicide, money creates division in family. Money makes man selfish and greedy. Money has taken so many lives. Money gives hope and money takes hope Many people lost their lives because of money. Money created differences and status between people. Money removed Equality Money created the seeds of division in humanity.

I remember being called a failure by my mom growing up even if I was a straight A student. Typical pathetic stupid Asian culture where you have to impress your parents no matter what. Where if you are born you have no freedom as a child. You are a slave to your parents. You do what your parents tell you to do. I grew up with a strict mother who would lash out at me, hit me on my head if I didn't do what she demanded out of me. Asian upbringing is horrendous. It's a cultural trauma. It's generational trauma. Parents treat you like toys. China is no different from India. Similar cultures. Same parent worshipping bullshit. There are children in China who commit suicide because they can't meet their parent's expectations. There are millions of children in India who commit suicide every year because they can't meet their parent's expectations It's a plague. A mental plague. I feel for these children. We should be born free. One of the main reasons why I didn't want kids because I didn't want my child to say to me "mum I can't deal with the pressure of studies" It's ridiculous. To bring children into this world and let them suffer so that you can make money out of them, it's ridiculous. Children are not your slaves. They are not your lottery tickets. Ever wonder why these countries always have the biggest populations. Because of greed. Stupid Greed that parents push on children

Yea I need deeper therapy but right I can't afford that. So I just vent my frustration in a journal as a therapy My boyfriend and I are not on talking terms right now because the last time he was at my place, I wasn't feeling well and that didn't go very well with him. I became despondent after that. So I am not talking to him. Neither is he. My mom is incredibly frail now. It seems she has stopped eating for some reason and she doesn't want to take meds anymore. She constantly says that she doesn't want to live anymore. That's hard on me. Even though she abused me all my childhood, I don't want her gone. I have siblings who cut ties with me and my mom long ago. And my dad passed away in 2009. I was very young at that time. My siblings are rich, they can afford treatment for my mom but they don't want to spend a dime for her. I tried calling them for help but they hung up. I tripped while walking and got my leg injured 2 weeks ago. Since then I'm unable to walk. Walking has become a big struggle. And the doctor said that it would take a long time for it to heal, maybe six months or more. So I walk with a stick. So now things are getting harder for me than before. I'm basically sick of living. Last week I called my boyfriend and I told him about my problems and he called me a coward, a schizophrenic, a pussy and a bunch of other names. Because I was feeling suicidal. I had tried to cut myself. I wasn't able to deal with anything anymore. I didn't know how to act happy when I was completely hopeless from inside.. I can't do that. You know I'm just me.. I can't put a lid on my emotions. I need emotional release because i feel better after that. I just have to be authentic. Pretending or hiding is not going to help. It's not my fault if I am in a bad emotional state because of my past trauma. It's PTSD. It shows up even if I don't want it to exist. So I feel like maybe he can't deal with me anymore and maybe I shouldn't blame him because maybe I'm too much for someone to deal with because of my trauma But I felt like he could have at least been sympathetic rather than coming across as very judgemental I have realized that people don't understand someone with trauma and they blame them for their suffering and this doesn't help, it only makes things worse. So past few days I've been feeling like shit. I turned to Satanism and the non judgemental nature of this religion kinda made me feel better and less of a failure. I try to be my best self but I get hated immensely when my flaws show up. I can't be perfect in a world where you are expected to be perfect as a woman. I can't do that. So I'm like fuck this world. I have been ruminating on the state of the world and how pathetic the world is and greedy the world is. I'm sick of this judgemental zero compassion world. Few days back I received the news that a friend from school committed suicide. This completely shattered me. I just hate this world now even more. I have been driven off the edge and this is not the first time. For past few days I have been thinking about how people get sucked into the chaos of this world and end up losing their life and other people just judge them as cowards and weak. Nobody tries to understand their pain I woke up from a dream last night and I was sweating in fear when I woke up, in the dream I was standing on the edge of a building and trying to jump off, convincing myself this world is no good and has no place for real people like me. Then I wrote this post in my private journal when I woke up and it made sense to me "It's a terrible world. You have to be able to confront reality, rather than deny it. It's a bad place you know. It's a terrible world. It's not made to help people to bring them up, it's made to watch them suffer and so many people suffer in a dirty, disgusting, perverted, deranged, horrible, sick, hateful, heartless world in which people suffer and others who are heartless, they watch them suffer, This world is a very depraved place. " I have begun to feel that life is pointless. If there is any meaning to life, it's only because I injected meaning into it. I have been getting all these dark thoughts about the world but it seems like it is making sense.. Because I don't want to deny reality any more.

What little compassion people have towards someone who commits suicide I have heard people call them weak, cowards and pussies.. No. They are not weak. They died because they suffered. It's important to show them compassion instead of judging them. That's why I don't like this world.