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Why not live in comfort? The whole idea of comfort is foreign to me. This is because of my PTSD I have never felt a deep sense of comfort. I have always been thrown to the limits of despair. This has made the notion of comfort an alien to me. It's like I have to force myself to get some rest. Or else I will be working 24/7 like a maniac This obsession in me to work till my death on the desk is also a form of PTSD. I have been ingrained since childhood by my mother with the thought that I am Incapable, worthless and will never amount to anything in life. This sort of maternal abuse at an early age in my life, ages of 6 to 18, the most intense years of my maternal abuse have given me a permanent state of PTSD. Often times I don't sleep at all. I feel the need to keep working to prove to myself that I'm not as bad as my mother thought I was. This eternal need in me to seek the validation of a woman, a mother who never gave me a sense of closure, it drives me insane. The past few days I have been confronting this feeling. I never saw my mother resting. She would be working non stop. And in return I never learned how to rest myself. I was always made to think that comfort is a bad idea. These days I'm challenging that idea. Why not take comfort? Why not rest? A lot of this has to do with Self Destruction. The only way to deal with my childhood abuse was self destruction. I was a self destructing teen Cutting myself to release blood was a normal thing. Locking myself in a bathroom when I was 17 to get away from my mother's abuse was a daily thing. I used to play sad music, trying to vent my frustration and despair in an abusive environment Multiple suicide attempts. But all of it is just an endless cycle of self destruction. And I must say that I have come a long way from all of that. There has been tremendous progress in the past few years. A lot of it is psychological.

One of the best enlightened teacher, some of his words have given me great awakenings. I highly recommend reading through his book Yoga the alpha and omega. Read it here. Here are some quotes: "NOW THE DISCIPLINE OF YOGA" "YOGA IS THE CESSATION OF MIND" "Yoga is a jump into the unknown. It will not be right to say ”unknown”; rather, ”unknowable”." "Mind is activity" "THEN THE WITNESS IS ESTABLISHED IN ITSELF. IN THE OTHER STATES THERE IS IDENTIFICATION WITH THE MODIFICATIONS OF THE MIND." "Don't identify with the self." "Total hopelessness means now there is no hope. And when there is no hope there cannot be hopelessness." "Knowledge is the most subtle food for ego: you feel you are something. You know; you become somebody." "Yoga says ¨ and let it penetrate you very deeply because it will be very meaningful ¨C yoga says that the more you are impatient, the more time will be needed for your transformation. The more in hurry, the more you will be delayed. Hurry itself creates such a confusion that delay will result." "If you are infinitely patient, this very moment transformation can happen. If you are ready to wait forever, you may not wait even for the next moment. This very moment the thing can happen, because it is not a question of time, it is a question of your quality of the mind." "You have to drop into it, not to reach anywhere. And the dropping is possible only if you are totally patient." "In life everything is a rhythm. You are happy and then follows unhappiness. Night and day, summer and winter; life is a rhythm between two opposites. When you try to become aware the same rhythm will be there: sometimes you are aware and sometimes not. So don¡¯t create a problem, because you are such experts in creating problems that out of the blue you can create a problem. And once you have created a problem then you want to solve it. And then there are people who will supply you with answers. A wrong problem is always answered by a wrong answer. And then it can go on ad infinitum; then a wrong answer again creates questions. From the very beginning one has to be aware not to create a wrong problem. Otherwise the whole of life goes on and on in the wrong direction. Always try to understand not to create a problem. Everything pulsates into a rhythm, and when I say everything, I mean everything. Love, and there is hate; awareness, and there is unawareness. Don¡¯t create any problem: enjoy both. While aware enjoy awareness, and while unaware enjoy unawareness ¨C nothing is wrong, because unawareness is like a rest. Otherwise, awareness will become a tension. If you are awake twenty-four hours, how many days you think you can be alive? Without food a man can live for three months; without sleep, within three weeks he will go mad, and he will try to commit suicide. In the day you are alert; in the night you relax, and that relaxation helps you in the day again to be more alert, fresh. Energies have passed through a rest period; they are more alive in the morning again. The same will happen in meditation: few moments you are perfectly aware, at the peak; few moments you are in the valley, resting ¨C awareness has disappeared, you have forgotten. But what is wrong in it? It is simple. Through unawareness will arise again awareness, fresh, young, and this will go on. And if you can enjoy both you become the third, and that is the point to be understood. If you can enjoy both it means you are neither ¨C neither awareness nor unawareness, you are the one who enjoys both. Something of the beyond enters. In fact, this is the real witness. Happiness you enjoy ¨C what is wrong when happiness has gone and you have become sad? What is wrong in sadness? Enjoy it. And once you become capable of enjoying sadness, then you are neither. And this I tell you: that if you enjoy, sadness has its own beauties. Happiness is a little shallow; sadness is very deep, it has a depth into it. A man who has never been sad will be shallow, just on the surface. Sadness is like a dark night ¨C very deep. Darkness has a silence into it, sadness also. Happiness bubbles, there is a sound in it. It is like a river in the mountains; sound is created. But in the mountains, river can never be very deep; it is always shallow. When the river comes to the plain it becomes deep, but the sound stops. It moves as if not moving. Sadness has a depth. Why create trouble? While happy, be happy, enjoy it. Don¡¯t get identified with it. When I say be happy, I mean enjoy it. Let it be a climate which will move and change. The morning changes into the noon, the noon changes into the evening, and then comes night. Let happiness be a climate around you. Enjoy it, and then comes sadness... enjoy that too. I teach you enjoyment, whatsoever the case. Sit silently and enjoy sadness, and suddenly sadness is no more sadness; it has become a silent peaceful moment, beautiful in itself, nothing wrong in it. And then comes the ultimate alchemy, the point where suddenly you realize you are neither ¨C neither happiness nor sadness. You are the watcher ¨C you watch peaks, you watch valleys; you are neither. Once this point is attained, you can go on celebrating everything. You celebrate life and you celebrate death. You celebrate happiness, you celebrate unhappiness. You celebrate everything. Then you are not identified with any polarity. Both the polarities have become available to you together, and you can move from one to the other easily. You have become liquid-like, you flow. Then you can use both, and both can become a help into your growth. Remember this: don¡¯t create problems. Try to understand the situation, try to understand the polarity of life. In summer it is hot, in winter it is cold ¨C so where is the problem? In winter enjoy cold, in summer enjoy heat. In summer enjoy the sun; in the night enjoy the stars and the darkness, in the day the sun and the light. You make enjoyment your continuity, whatsoever happens. In spite of it you go on enjoying. You try it, and suddenly everything is transfigured and transformed."

A part of doing the work should be finding real-world tangible actions you can take to reduce the effect of your fear. The list of actions comes after finding your life purpose. I have ten of them; my safety switch is knowing if everything goes irreversibly wrong, I can always book a plane and live in a monastery. Leo just shared this video on the blog: Those are some next-level monks. Instead of committing a suicide, I invite you to come with me. We'd live there together, browsing the forum still and diving deep.

In my view, LP is the only way. I might have some isssues Im unaware of, but when I picture 2/3s of my life in a cubicle doing meaningless work I think about living in a van or suicide. @Nahm Im not sure I understand what you mean with "isness" and, yes, I know what I desire but it seems unreachable.. Thats what kills my soul a little.. Question is, why do I have visions which are very unreachable, is it to have an unreachable carrot in front of my face, is it some type of shadow ?

@Leo Gura I don't want to sleep with hundreds of super models at all. In fact I don't give a shit about that. If that is the cost than tell me why 95% of guys don't approach hundreds of girls and still manage have an average sex life. I see it happening in other people, opportunities for relationships just present themselves magically. Its something I don't see happening in my life. You are thinking surprisingly Materialistic on this point, like if the Universe is just "atoms bouncing around randomly" like you often say. Having trouble with relationships is just not part of most peoples Dharma, they didn't come here to struggle half their life getting into relationships, they have other lessons to learn so this is a minor part that sorts itself out. But it is such a central theme in my life that this was probably not a mistake, its part of my Dharma, the suffering I have chosen to go through as as a catalyst. I may have to overcome it through meditation, approaching girls, maybe it will bring me to the edges of suicide or maybe it just sorts itself out once it has shaped me into who I should become. We will see.

@Dario1995 I stopped on the 24 hours mark. When going about doing these intense practices, you need time to pray and meditate on a full scale, which is not possible now. Healing occurred, nevertheless. Anything done unresponsibly means suicide. Take care, too!

A prayer for Daisy Coleman God, on 4th August, a lovely angel left this world Her name was Daisy Coleman She was a brave warrior, a soldier of hope She was a candle of hope for all victims of rape She was a brave force against the forces of rape culture on campus She fought bravely for the liberation of women Her spirit was made of iron and steel She not only fought the rape condoning culture but also fought online bullies who tried to silence her voice. Today I light a candle in her name A prayer to you to take care of her brave spirit She is finally free from all the forces that tormented her Her suicide is not in vain, because she will be immortalized as the warrior of women to stand up against rape and injustices to women May her soul rest in peace. Amen.

Well, it that case I agree they're overused @neutralempty I read the whole article. Example Correlation doesn't mean causation. Many studies may be incorrectly interpreted assuming correlation is causation examples are the studies listed mentioning peoples worse outcomes in X years if they were medicated vs not, but this doesn't take into consideration that it's the most depressed people that are more likely to try antidepressants since in the first place so the group of medicated people is biased in the direction of the most genetically predisposed to severe, long depressions. Another example is this It's very possible that as mental health awareness increases and shaming around this topic decreases, more and more people are reaching out for help so of course there will be more mentally Ill patients diagnosed Antidepressants are also much more effective in severe cases of depression (so actual serious MDE like I mentioned before) so yes if it is the case that people that just kind of not feeling ok, goto a doctor, and they are immediately put on SSRI's, that's a problem in my opinion. The thing is - everybody with depression only partially responds. I mean, are they expect depression to completely disappear from antidepressants? That doesn't happen. Again, antidepressants are a tool in a toolbox to cope with depression not to cure it. @Leo Gura My father was anti-antidepressants too and eventually, he got severely depressed, refused to take them, and committed suicide. My whole family is genetically vulnerable to depression/anxiety. My aunt just took antidepressants when she got severely depressed and now years later she's doing ok even after withdrawal. I myself might not be writing this post if not antidepressants because I would commit suicide when my depression/anxiety spiked, I even had mild mild psychosis just from depression. I think a lot of the people that criticize antidepressants (as much as they suck) fail to see that alternative is simply even worse in many cases. It's similar to how some people criticize chemotherapy, you know it destroys your body literally but the alternative of not doing chemo is even worse, I know it sucks life is hard.

One perspective is after the enlightenment imagine Sisyphus happy. https://medium.com/@mustaphahitani/camus-suicide-and-imagining-sisyphus-happy-bec124dad750

I think everything happens for a purpose and the truth is absolute yet also infinity, yes it’s redundant and been said on this forum a million times but it’s not about “knowing the truth” or “not knowing the truth” it’s about realizing the absolute truth is that you can never know the whole truth lmao paradoxically, so don’t sweat it, infinity has infinity to experience itself, it’s all going according to the flow whether is the happiest day of your life or if you commit suicide. But agreed in a “human form” we aren’t that evolved and without getting too much into my beliefs there is much to learn on planet earth in this dream so why not enjoy it. We don’t exist anywhere anyway hahaha

What I mean is that if you see life for what it is from the personal perspective, and you don't know that it's just a dream, then it's a nightmare. There is no rational reason for not commiting suicide. The only thing that keeps everyone going is fear and denial. I only held out as long as I did, and only barely, because I knew about the possiblility to wake up. And still I almost did it, just two months ago. Because knowing it's a dream and not being able to wake up is even worse. I was shown just enough to stop me. Somehow the universe manages to keep me teetering on the edge for almost a decade now. Things took a turn for the better since two months ago, but it's not over yet.

Physical pain switches your attention focus from your ego to the pain. That´s why you dont like it. If you fully accept the pain I think there is not difference between pain and pleasure. The difference is that you belive in fear. Ego death is not the same that suicide. People suicide because they think there are a "better ego" after that.

The ego ('me' / 'I' / the feeling of being a separate self) is literally The Devil in this 'human game by God'. But of course, the ego is completely deliberately imagined to exist by God, because God is inherently playful, and nothing is more thrilling than imagining that the diametrical opposite of Oneself is real. This game - dream, life - is a constant dynamic back-and-forth between God and ego, between love and hate, light and shadow, consciousness and ignorance, play and seriousness, expression and depression, acceptance and denying, accepting and judging, letting go and resisting, gratitude and self-pity, destiny and chance, expanding and contracting, grace and cruelty, selfishness and selflessness, attached and detached, trust and fear, responsibility and blaming, etc. It's most interesting when it almost seems like the darkness will win; when you are on the brink of suicide of depression and then bam: the Truth of Light hits you like a wrecking ball, and you cry and laugh uncontrollably over your own deliberate ignorance ❤️

I relate to you deeply. I was addicted to being sad, being a victim, being apathetic, finding excuse not to make an effort, hating happy people, hating myself, living day by day like a zombie, trying to pull other people into my world but pushing them away when they approached. I was so twisted. Human beings are very unhappy creatures. But our culture is a "happy go easy" culture. Social media, advertisement, entertainment--everything's there to push your happy button. Feeling sad? Check out the latest cosmetics, games, shows and pills! The odd thing is, I made a wish to live a happy life. Then I was pulled even deeper into the darkness. At one point, I was binge watching sad stories on youtube: addiction, heroin, extremely fat and bed-ridden people, homeless, suicide, sadistic child torture, child abuse, crimes, psychopaths, prison, etc. I got in touch with so many gruesome stories that I didn't know could happen. But as I watched, I find myself sending compassion to these people. Even with serial killers, I find myself saying: "I get it. It's impossible that a person could be so cold blood without anything horrible happening to him or her." Then, one day, I found myself no longer interested in these sad things anymore. I want to focus on building a good life. If I can save myself, then I have done my part in reducing a little bit of sadness from the world. So, you could try sinking into the darkness, but with awareness and compassion. Don't deny your sensitivity. You'll find yourself love life so much more if you allow yourself to see the dark side of if.

Hello, actualizers. I wanted to share some of my day to day experiences with meditation, self-inquiry, self-reflection. More so i will elaborate on the feelings and cognitions that i usually feel. I have picked meditation habit on and off since 2015. The first year was very boring. It was so boring to sit even for 20 minutes and i often wondered whats the point. I was trying to push myself, so i can sit trough it. It was just plain suffering for some time, but i noticed, it had some quality, that it was worth the struggle. Then i somehow sat for an hour, when i was meditating. It wasn't blissful, it was quite peaceful. But really just that. I felt like my breathing were very natural and i was more aware of parts of my body and i feel more centered in my day to day activity. But i remembered at the end of the year 2015 i bought an inner engineering course by Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev, and i for the first time felt that i can change something in my life and that life was somewhat in my hands, however i felt a feeling i will always remember. That was the feeling of suffering and not knowing why you are suffering. Looking back at that moment, now that i underestand reality more and more, that was something i don't even want to experience again. So some suicidal toughts, some very depressing and dark toughts came. So turned my head all the way towards spirituality at that time. I remember being so negative and occasionaly violent irrational toughts were flowing trough my head, and also a sense of anger, anger for feeling like i have to live in unhappy existence. So up to this point i still have somewhat of a desire to leave the body, (not suicide), not by hurting it, but consciously, there is acctually a funny story about that also. So i found Mooji's videos and whatever else guru's videos on the net. I practiced mooji's natrural noticing meditation religiously. Sometimes even up to 2 times a day, means 2 hours. Why did i do that? I felt absolutely miserable in my first job, which ironically is the same i am currently working now and externally its not much better. However the first thing i felt was a certain warmth lighting up in the region of my upper body. Then i started noticing that energies are real, there is such a thing as kundalini energy and what a chakra feels like. And soon after i noticed that my crown chakra has become loosely active. I could feel it pouring out warmth and bliss. Bliss is an actual feeling (chemistry in the body), almost like marihuana induced effect but sober. But my stomach was so hurting, it was almost like hurting from every worry and low self-worth pattern i held and entertained. And since i really wanted enlightenment but i was a mess, i suffered so much. But after a while it stabilized, it is still a struggle, however there is more and more bliss. And really all this time, the hardest thing for me is waking up and experiecing that bad feeling, so i have to catch up, but very soon after there is bliss. Then later after that i started to have mini-awakenings, having a change of habits, and feel so complete about death. However the experience i still unsustainable. Yes, i can really choose to feel into the moment, as it is the only truth realy, and that ability, my friends, i wouldn't give away for anything. Ever. Then i met and saw some psychics and now my view of life has changed completely. If i have to give description of what meditation does to you, firstly it makes you a different person much faster. Like you evolve your beliefs over your lifetime, with meditation, its almost like in 6 months time i am already feeling like a different person to what i used to be. Now there just is a choice to entertain certain toughts, or just let it flow and be exhausted. There is more presentness. Less sleep needed. Bliss all over the body. Peacefulness and non-violent feeling. Feeling of wanting to be responsible for your duties like work, because this is the easiest way, there is just less suffering if you are upfront and integrated into what you do. Feeling like time has less impact upon me. There are also awakenings in my sleep (no-dream void/infinity experience) besides the enlightenment glimpses in waking state. Also you are MUCH more inuitive and in clarity to see who you whould listen to. There is more gratitude also. However still, if i could leave this body and never come back, i wouldn't hesitate. I have tried to do that in my evening sittings... It does lead to an awakening of sorts but i am affraid to go too far, as i still kinda want to live here as i am. Weird indeed, how are your experiences?

Here is a channel whom is currently going through kundalini activity: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCz1XJrEItAE-RxKAGngsIkg Here is a channel of someone who attained enlightenment through kundalini: https://www.youtube.com/c/craigholliday/featured Here is a book by Gopi Krishna whom also attained enlightenment through kundalini: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/91210.Kundalini Some of his experiences explained: https://realization.org/p/gopi-krishna/krishna.awakening.html Here is one of the oldest websites on kundalini whose website owner El-Collie Said to have committed suicide because of kundalini: https://www.kundalini-gateway.org/awaken/index.html It is the most potent and most dangerous way to enlightenment.

Elliott recently shed light on this about meditation (what are your guy's thoughts?) : "It started when one of my successful friends winced at the mention of meditation. He told me: I can't do that stuff anymore, it makes your mind blank. He told me he'd been meditating a lot. So much that his mind was completely blank. Like a desert. Tumbleweeds and all. And obviously this has big implications for an entrepreneur, or any man on his hero's journey. I didn't know at the time that my friend was referring to meditation sickness. Yes, meditation can make you sick. And no, it's not some woo-woo phenomenon. Most of the eastern religions have recognized meditation sickness as a normal occurrence. Recently, I heard about one from a psychologist who “meditated so hard” she began tossing and turning in her sleep, became supremely anxious, had shortness of breath, and became overwhelmingly emotional. In another more serious case, meditation apparently triggered a suicide." Buddhists, Hindus, and other eastern religions have been aware of “meditation sickness” for hundreds of years. The root cause of this strange ailment is a disconnection from the outside world and letting the mind go blank. And that's the main reason why I no longer meditate - Letting the mind go blank alone is dangerous. It’s like preparing the soil in the garden without planting anything. Weeds will almost certainly infest your garden. The same goes for the mind. If you wipe it clean with meditation and leave it blank, you’re leaving your mind vulnerable to outside forces - demons, spirits, and negative beta thoughts. You need to install new alpha software, add new files, and occupy that empty space with constructive thoughts to become a better man.

Dear gswva, Once again: I'm not enlightened. My knowledge is only through the scriptures I read and videos that I watch online. It's very much possible my knowledge is flawed. Without enlightenment we can only speculate. Even with enlightenment, it seems there are various levels of enlightenment with different knowledge and more depth to such knowledge. Having understood this, we can only speculate. So, lets speculate: From my understanding, all the descriptions that we give about the Brahman are just that: Descriptions and Thoughts. Even the word Brahman is just a label and as such is just a thought. Neither can you say it exist, nor can you say it doesn't exist. It exists without existing. It is the pure absolute nothingness. So absolute in its emptiness that it becomes the very source of every unique thing. Yet, none of those things are different from it. They only exist in and as itself. The way we think and believe seems to be the way Brahman seem to appear to us(Just like the AI in the movie Captain Marvel). In Non-Dual Traditions: The same reality is experienced as nameless and formless but with all potential. In Bhakthi Traditions: Those who worship krishna report visiting krishna and his abode Goloka(Krishna's abode); those who worship shiva talk about their experiences of shiva; similarly the Devi(goddess) has been seen(e,g: Ramakrishna paramahamsa frequently talked with "kali devi"). Similarly, visiting heaven and christ in christianity; Egyptian gods in ancient egypt etc.. In which ever way we create our karma(Cause & Effect - Tendencies, Beliefs, Conditioning, Memories, Behaviours, etc). such seems to be our experience. Each of these worshipers actually experience reality as if their god is the one who created the entire reality and He/She/They/It is the one who is presiding over everything. Such gods actually show to their devotees through certain experiences how they are the alpha and omega of everything(Best e.g: Virat Rupa(Universal Form) of Krishna shown to Arjuna in the battlefield). During such experiences the devotees actually experience their deity to be anything and everything, with all the descriptions and experiences of non-dual liberation as well as dual liberations being present within their deity itself. Although the deity seen with a form, still at the same time being infinite; with everything present within themselves; Just like fractals although seem to have a limited form; after having zoomed in, will reveal infinite patterns with infinite depth. I'll give you just one example of how they experience their realities based on their belief: "In Gaudiya Vaishnava school of bhakthi(Devotional) tradition(ISKCON). Their deity is Krishna. They make a distinction between Material reality and Spiritual reality. Spiritual reality having many varieties of infinite realms all being completely perfect and eternal. Each realm has a certain form of Krishna presiding over that realm. There is no suffering in any of those realms whatsoever. All of them are filled only with blissful experiences. When they want to experience material reality they descend and have them and again return back to their own abodes. Anybody who develops devotion and worships Krishna believing the stories about him with full unconditional loving intensity; after getting liberation in bhakthi(Dual type liberation) and after giving up their physical body, they go to such places and stay there eternally(I doubt it being eternal - But, who knows) Then, Krishna also creates these Material reality where infinite universes are generated and dissolved again and again. Within each of which: material heavens, hells and earthly experiences are experienced according to the karma of the living entities with incarnation and reincarnation cycles going on again and again. until liberation happens. But, they say that all these material heavens and hells and earthly realms are all temporary and will get destroyed during universal dissolution. And all of them are born in a new universe and are placed in situations suitable for their karma. Also, enjoyment and suffering in earth, heaven or hellish realms are experienced only as long as the karma for such enjoyment or suffering lasts. As such, are only temporary. Karma keeps generating and doesn't run out as long as actions are done with attachment for material fruits. In this tradition, there were and still are very exalted enlightened beings who have experienced these realms/realities directly and written about them. These realities are not experienced as hallucinatory. The realities when being experienced are more profound and vivid than even our own earthly reality. In one such story, a sage during his meditation on his lord was experiencing such a realm and got his finger burnt in that realm. When he opened his eyes in our realm, his finger actually was burnt even in our realm(remember that scene in Matrix?)." The experiences mentioned above are only experienced as such by those who follow Gaudiya Vaishnava Tradition(ISKCON) which is just one sub-tradition within the vaishnava tradition within Hinduism. Like this, there are literally more than thousand of other traditions within Hinduism itself. There are 33 million gods in Hinduism it is said. Likewise, there are many different religions in other parts of the world each with their own belief and customs and traditions. Just like the e.g given above, all of them experience their LIFE based on how they create their own karma(Cause & Effect, tendencies, beliefs, conditioning, memories, behaviors, etc).. They experience their gods, heavens , hells and other such things, the way they imagined and believed. All of this is just like water in the mirage. As such you can say, it doesn't exist. But then, as some form of an imagination itself, all of it is real. Just like dreams when experienced are reacted-to-emotionally by the dreamer as being real as long as they are being experienced. Please read the sample screenshots of Yoga Vasishta from these posts first: Once you understand basics of how reality is constructed by reading the above mentioned posts, you'll understand that any reality is seen only within some mind(Jiva - Individuated atomic living entity). Just like dream world is seen within the dreamer's mind. Just as Imagination is seen within the mind of the one imagining it. There is no possibility of projecting any reality outside of a mind. Our reality is also one such reality projecting within some mind. That being the case, Every reality is only an imaginary one. Even the mind that projects it is also just a mirage. All of this duality with all its universes/realities within such minds is like a water seen in the mirage(Think of such minds as mirages and water seen in the mirages as the worlds seen in such minds). Both mirage and water seen in it are unreal. They exist without existing. Also if we assume everything is intelligently designed, afaik all "past lives" memories could be imaginary and unrelated to the actual mechanics consciousness shapes itself. I'm not denying reincarnation but I'm just saying it doesn't prove anything. Brahman and intention are incompatible with one another. It is not a personal entity. It is completely impersonal and formless. It is beyond intent and intellectualizing. There is nothing that can be said about it. Upon reaching it, all activity stops. No word or thought or imagination can touch it. It exists without existing. You are one with that Brahman they say.. A mere simple movement ( (metaphorical) which is natural and is a characteristic of Brahman; like movement of air is natural for the wind) in Brahman projects out infinite upon infinite of atomic Jiva(s)(Living entities with mind) into existence. The conscious intelligent design only happens(Not consciously happen in all of them) after the Jiva(s) have come into being within Brahman. Within the minds of those Jiva(s): world, rules and regulations, intelligence, logic all these things appear. These are NOT prior to the minds. For first appeared Primary Jiva(s), as well as secondary Jiva(s) - created within those Primary Jiva(s)'s minds; there is no karma initially. But, after acting as and within the world for some time; memories, tendencies, tastes, behavioral patterns, likes and dislikes, all of these are slowly acquired and they act as a repetitive compulsive cycles after a while, these patterns are what are called as vasanas and samskaras. These are collectively called as karma of that individual. As all the entities have such patterns, you can call it as collective karma of each of such groups. Just as when water flows upon land; creates a river bed by flowing continuously; and not able to change its path but to flow within the same riverbed after a while. Similarly, karma after creating some of it becomes a compulsive pattern, creating more and more which is hard to break. Just like a river without a riverbed disperses itself into all directions and ceases to exist as a river. Similarly, without karma, the individual will dissolve and cease to exist. Such dissolution is called liberation. Further Speculation: "Not all those Jiva(s) projecting such worlds within them are very intelligent. So these primitive, first order Jivas only project some dumb random, abstract, useless, not so sophisticated; not so very conscious reality within themselves. Initially they don't possess any knowledge whatsoever. After their death. After having gone through several cycles of interaction with other jivas through reincarnation in other jiva(s)'s universes as one of the living entities in those universes and having evolved into higher conscious states(through such interaction by natural evolution which happens randomly as well as driven by karma) as human beings or other such entities, they get more knowledge. These Jivas after their death in other Jiva's mental world/universe/realm might project very sophisticated universes within their own mind(Even during the lowly evolved states they may project some unsophisticated universes within themselves in some of the after-life cycles). Such projection may not happen within each after-life cycle; only when a compatible universe is not found for the karma that this jiva currently possesses that this Jiva may create such a projection. Even then it may simply wait in limbo for a compatible universe. Again, these projections either sophisticated or unsophisticated; may not be conscious ones. Just like our dreams are not experienced with lucidity with full consciousness of knowing them to be dreams. Similarly these projections may also happen unconsciously within themselves. Within these projected universes, there will be numerous Jiva(s) either reincarnated from other realities who have qualities which are compatible with this universe, or newly created ones without having had any karma before. These newly created jivas, can be directly human beings, deities, or any other such evolved beings which the jiva projecting the universe has previous knowledge of. These other jivas each further creating a universe within themselves in their after-life periods, with more jivas within them...with the cycle going ad-infinitum". As far as Reincarnation is concerned, since it happens only with-in the mirage like realities/universes, it also is just a type of illusory experiential cycle experienced in them. Although just an illusory experiential cycle, it does exist however as such; driven by karma. We do have strong evidence for that. As I already presented. You need to understand first that, even the universal mind which projects the world as well as the entities incarnate and reincarnate within it, both/all of them are bound by their karma. Although, if more conscious the Jiva becomes, more ability it has - to act with freedom/freewill with less influence from karma. Some Yogis/saints/sages may take the position of such universal mind and project some highly sophisticated realities/universes/realms. Such Universal minds(Jivas(s)) may be with almost absolute freedom(E.g: Krishna in Goloka - Such Jiva(s) are not called as Jiva(s) They are called Bhagawan-Supreme Gods and goddesses for those who worship them). The Abodes/Realities/Universes/Worlds/Heavens what ever you want to call it; created by such Bhagawan/God like entities who have attained very highly unimaginable levels of consciousness/awareness are the worlds where suffering and reincarnation doesn't exist. Whether these worlds exist eternally or not I don't know. It may be a possibility, but I'm not sure. There may be infinite such worlds with varying degrees of sophistication. Depending upon the consciousness prevailing in any reality, reincarnation may or may not be a fact in that reality. May be even in our own realities, not every one reincarnate. I don't know how it works. What I do know is: Karma is what drives reincarnation or any other experience as an individuated entity. Having understood all of this clearly. Keeping the example of Gaudiya Vaishnava tradition in mind. If we think about each of the models you have presented, Even though you have presented them as if each of your models encompass all of absolute existence. Still it is possible to reduce them into different possible realities and it is easily possible that each of those models of reality may be truly be experienced in some of those universes/realities in some of those minds imagining/creating them. Even if such realities doesn't exist anywhere now, they can still be created by imagining them in a certain state of mind, either through Meditation(like mentioned in Yoga Vasishta) or even after Physical Death by keeping on intensely imagining them again and again in your living time now. So, scriptures say that In what ever state of mind you leave your body, during death, that state you'll attain without fail. This is just like how we dream at night about those things which we intensely contemplated in our waking state. Also, you'll only experience those realities and experiences, about which you have knowledge of or atleast related to your mental and karmic structure as a natural progression of your karma. Absolutely random experiences may be a very rare phenomenon. What I meant is if everything is created before merging together or if nothing splits itself until it finds itself again Not necessary for all of creations to merge before other cycle of creations emerge. Infinite creations are keeping on emerging and dissolving infinitely in infinite minds simultaneously. This cycle never stops. Such is the nature of Brahman - Just like breathing is the nature of a human being. Having said that, this is only from the view given in the book:Yoga Vasishta. But, this also depends on your beliefs and world view. Remember: that you only experience what your mental structure believes and allows. The video posted above of Rupert Spira has somewhat a good explanation. For this very reason some people may remember some other people's experiences & memories as their own(As one can read somewhat similar experiences in Yoga Vasishta). But, he seems to assume all the individuated entities as loosely bound with loose covering. But, It is only true for certain individuals in certain states of karma and for certain periods and types of disembodiment. After death, it seems; generally the individuated entities are tightly bound with remaining 4 layers(more like aspects than layers) of coverings mostly intact which I have mentioned in my previous posts. Because of this, these entities acquiring the karmas and memories of other's may be rare. The obscure thing to me is what happens after the state of oneness and how would you know that. If it's empty/void awareness, or non-individualized infinite creation. In the first case, form = fear, duality directly yields the illusion of ego. In the latter case, form =/= fear, ego is not necessary to the awareness of anything. We also need to know if we can split ourselves again or not. May be we need to experience Non-Dual enlightenment to understand this. "Ramakrishna Paramahamsa" has said that merging into brahman is like a salt doll walking into the ocean. After merging with the ocean there is no coming back. Seems like all non dual scriptures say the same thing. I haven't studied all of them though. May be those who suffer too much choose to dissolve when such an opportunity presents itself. Whereas, those who improve more and more through their effort gain new heights of awareness and consciousness creating their own realities and living in it with full bliss eternally(? - I'm not sure). Sadhguru says in his book that there is no need to keep extending the individuation as every kind of universe has same fundamental structures. But, I don't agree with it. If it has no value; then, why are others creating such realities and keeping their individuation. He himself admitted that he doesn't have much scriptural knowledge. Maybe, too much confidence in one's own ability without proper theoretical knowledge may create such illusions. Also, as I mentioned already, you can only experience those experiences you believe and have knowledge about. Interestingly in the Gaudiya vaishnava tradition, although some of them say that such merging is a permanent suicide. Others say that even attaining liberation through merging with brahman is useless because it is only temporary and after a while they again fall down from that position. May be in this situation is where Rupert Spira's explanation may make sense, because during merging with Brahman there are no coverings and all those layers are completely dismantled. So the memories, tendencies and karma of all the merged individuals remain in the reservoir of Brahman and some of the newly created entities in the universes are created with the template of combination of already existing karmas and experiences from the Brahman reservoir and their individual constitution is made in such a way, that each of those newly created individuals are perfectly compatible with the universal mind which is imagining them according to its karma, For those individuals where such combination is not immediately available, maybe only they are created freshly without any karma. Maybe because the newly created individuals in this manner are not entirely uniquely their own selves as they previously were, it is for this reason that it may have been said that: once merged, its finished. It may also be possible that some or all of these merged entities when there is a compatible universe exists, each of these entire entities is brought back with the same configuration. And as such experience themselves as same persons they were before in one of their previous incarnations. The above cases makes sense because it is said that by doing samyama any information can be retrieved that one wishes to retrieve. It would only be possible if all the information is stored permanently somewhere. It is also possible that only information is permanent and not the individuals themselves with all their karmic configurations. Above all, it is also highly possible that each of these cases is possible in some versions of cultural realities whose cultures imagine realities in such different manners mentioned above. Absolutely anything seems to be possible(Both Possibility as well as Impossibility). In order to get proper understanding of reality, you have to read both of these books completely: (Even then you may not understand everything, But will definitely improve your knowledge) Please read this book(Yoga Vasishta) without skipping anything: https://estudantedavedanta.net/The-Supreme-Yoga-Swami-Venkatesananda.pdf Death - An Inside Story: A book for all those who shall die Book by Sadhguru: https://www.google.com/books/edition/Death_An_Inside_Story/ydzQDwAAQBAJ?hl=en&gbpv=1&printsec=frontcover

The panic attacks could be from some kind of unresolved trauma. This trauma can be as something some people may consider minor like being alone as a child or getting betrayed to something more intense like abuse or witnessing something horrific. The meditation can be taking you into these places, the places you may be too scared to go into at this stage in your life. If you are not ready to confront these parts of you then just put it off aside until you are ready. My personal opinion on this is, you are never really ready so you mind as well confront it even if it frightens you. The repercussions if you don't is, time may amplify your shadows and if you get into a relationship if you are not in one already or develop a successful career, the things you put in your closet will exploit those parts of you and you will be forced to confront them. In extreme situations when life smacks people in the face this way is, they either rise up from it or commit suicide.

After a recent egobacklash I left my Job, and now I am struggling to find another. I am running out of money and about do go into a lot of debt. Despite taking the life purpose course... maybe the life purpose course even makes things worse because I actually thought maybe life was improving for the better. I felt like I could actually go out and do things. But, people scare me, I don't have a degree and I am feeling both worthless and overwhelmed by the world. I feel like I have something to offer but also I feel so weak and useless compared to the complexities of reality. I keep falling into this suicidal victim hood place, overwhelmed by potential paths, each one seems impossible. I find myself almost praying that God will help me out of this. But, that doesn't seem to be how reality works. I want to kill myself in hopes I can create a whole new experience away from all the corruption, rent, money, and annoying complexities of human existance. I don't have a Job yet, I don't want to be a cashier I would rather kill myself. I was on a great career path and I threw it all away. I would love to be a proessional musician, but thats not going to ever be a reality. When do I know that there just isn't anything here for me in this life? I don't feel loved or lovable, or capable of doing great things. The idea of being mediocre and doing this super repetitive day night day night, 9-5 cycle makes me want to kill myself. There doesn't seem to be a way out of this. Everything is too hard. I feel alienated and disinterested in secular existence, I am burning with resentment a of the time about ex-relationships, my family is full of victims and toxicity and addiction. I don't know. I feel up and down, maybe I will make it through. But, suicide is on my mind more often than I would like to admit. I don't think people are supposed to live this way. It's like everyone is stupid, but everyone is also smarter than me. I don't know... What is my purpose? God?? am I wasting my time??

If I ever die either by suicide or accident, that person will be responsible for it.

@Kiko That is mastery my man. What a breakthrough. Keep going, and keep letting go of what doesn’t resonate. Never give up. You Will win with this, period. Nothing less will do. I completely absolutely believe in you. You’re right on. You distanced from the love you are, and are therefore trying to get it from others, and finding this doesn’t pan out. What ultimately works is releasing the misunderstanding & emotion suppressed. Your bravely & willingness to address this, your determination not to settle - very impressive. That’s the God within. That’s Love. You are what GOOD is. Absolutely. Unarguable. Undeniable. This is why those beliefs about yourself do not feel good. The beliefs are about you not being Good. And you are Good. So some beliefs, like those, will never jive. Expression is key. Recognize how you feel and express it thoroughly. Google how to use the emotional scale if you want to do some healing, expressing, & understanding work. Avoidance of this is the thoughts of suicide, negative thoughts about yourself, that the past defines you, that you are the body, etc. These are all the mind trying to make some sense of the suppression of feeling. Let the thoughts come & go, keep relaxing the body head to toe over & over, keep returning focus to relaxed breathing from the stomach. All of the suppression will unsuppress, it will indeed suck to experience, but it will leave the body for good and you will experience clarity, insight & understanding at a level you never thought possible. All of it. It is the grabbing onto thought stories about me, past, future, others, which suppresses & prevents release & expression. Nobody processes your karma for you but Love. When you’re ready, love washes it all out. Likewise, what he did is his karma. It’s his demon to bare, not yours. It’s not your fault. It is absolutely no reflection of you. It says nothing about who you really are. Nothing. Visit a therapist. Don’t size it up without even experiencing it. Go there and dump every bit of the emotion you’ve been carrying on em. Empty both barrels. “Wash yourself of yourself”. Shed that skin of old and leave it on their floor. There are lots of people too afraid to inspect and release like you are. So after you clear out and come to know this love, considering sharing it, so others can be encouraged and know ourself too. God bless. Wishing you love & healing. Very impressed with your work In such a short time. You might be spiritually gifted, and sensitive. Lucky in that regard. ??

Just imagine, if everyone starts to be very authentic in expressing to us, with every interaction with us how they feel about us, we'd commit suicide, believe me. Absolute authenticity in dealing with everything will make the World a living hell. It is a good thing that humans know how to deal with the world with proper discretion. Thus, the default nice mode when dealing with strangers. You don't go to an ugly person and say you are ugly. But, authenticity is an absolute necessity with one's own self for the sake of one's own improvement. If you keep justifying all the wrong things that you do without admitting to yourself that you do have behavioral patterns and habits which are not healthy, then there's no possibility for improvement.

August 28, 2020 Today I had a doctor appt at 8:40. We discussed everything I wrote down on my list. This was sleeping problems, racing thoughts, the bloody noses subsided, occasionally my thoughts would spiral into suicide, and a couple of other things. I felt pretty tense while explaining these things and I had not talked to anyone else about this stuff. The trigger for the deadly thoughts was the fight with my family. I also told him that most of my racing thoughts are concerning God. He gave me one more prescription to see if it helps the racing thoughts. He also gave me a list of alternative sources in psychology that helps anxiety. He could see that I was open to it and I have already been studying emotional mastery with success. My sleep patterns have improved, but my doctor thinks that my mind may be acting this way in part because of autism. This makes it hard to focus on school and I remember some times when I laughed at a stray thought during class and my teachers called me out. I also mentioned how I beat my dad without looking at the board in chess, so I can focus when I'm interested. After the appointment I finished more audio books that help me with self acceptance and emotional stability. I think this is helpful and I noticed that books about emotions give me the most benefits immediately. I also continued with the life purpose course and checked out the videos on anxiety. I have some fears concerning modern medicine because I worry that medications are addicting, I don't know if they will work or not, and modern medicine usually avoids alternative medicines which could work. doctors also get caught up in capitalistic medication which can be dangerous for patients. I decided to keep an open mind and see if the medicine works or not. For the rest of the day I did a lot of self observation. I watched my emotions and thoughts fluctuate as my hidden shoulds surfaced. I let them go to reduce stress. This leads to more emotional stability from which I can focus and achieve the goals I want. If anxiety does book up it could be an opportunity for growth as I did in my chess tournaments. In this case the boost in adrenaline made me much more powerful. Good luck. I don't know what love is.

He had already killed two people, those people following him are actually being heroic and trying to stop him from killing even more people. They have no arms, he has a rifle, they’re trying to stop him, it’s a suicide mission.